Ladies and gentlemen, there has been an attack. An attack on all that is good and holy. I knew it would happen one day but now...a major media figure has joined the attack. And we all are in deep, deep trouble.
That's right, Mitch Albom has denounced drinking before football games. Don't know Mitch? Yes you do. He wrote Tuesdays With Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Him and Oprah are buds. Whatever.
His denouncement came after this YouTube video got popular:
Here's his column: Pretentious Sentimentalist Denounces Drunk Fun.
If you don't want to read it (and you don't), I'll give you the jist. Tailgating should be banned because people get hammered, start fights, and ruin the game for parents with their kids.
Obviously, my blog loves alcohol and drinking it. How shall I deal with this man, who supposedly thinks he gets to judge people who like to drink? With scorn. Harsh, hurtful scorn.
7 Points In Drunk Tailgating's Defense
1. Football Isn't For Kids
What Mitch Would Say: "How can I bring my 14 year old to church if they're serving wine up there?!? Same goes for football!"
My Defense: Football is in no way for kids. It's an adult game. It's violent, there are half-naked women on the sidelines, and it's an intense atmosphere where emotions take over. Any parent that takes a kid to a pro football game is as irresponsible, if not moreso, as the people getting hammered before the game. This isn't baseball. This is an intense, quick moving game where every contest means so much more than in the NBA, NHL, and MLB.
2. Beer Inside the Stadium is Uber-Expensive
What Mitch Would Say: "Detroit needs our hard-earned money! And you aren't even allowed to sell alcohol before noon on Sundays! Do these people hate Detroit?!"
My Defense: Anyone that's gone to sporting event knows how ridiculously overpriced stadium food and drink is. So if I want to get there 3 hours before the game, down a twelve pack, and have a burger, that's my right. Because I paid a shitload of money for that ticket and I want the experience to be as enjoyable as possible. I want to get hammered before I leave the parking lot because there's no chance I'm buying $8 beers for 3 hours. I'm not a Saudi Prince. I can get drunk and full for $15 in the parking lot.
3. The NFL Wants Me To Tailgate
What Mitch Would Say: "How could the NFL condone such drunken sinners? They let people get there up to 3 hours early! What do they think'll happen?!"
My Defense: The NFL faces a problem: their tickets are expensive and watching at home is much more exciting in my beautiful HD, warm house, free food, and as many friends over as I want. Especially with office pools and fantasy football being so popular, people want as much coverage as humanly possible, something that's harder to get while sitting in the stands for 3 hours. Tailgating is half the reason people go to games. Take that away, and you'll lose so much attendance, Dolphins games will turn into Marlins games. Don't let people in the lots til 11? They'll end up sleeping in and watching it at home.
4. Fights Happen Everywhere, Should We Ban Bars, Too?
What Mitch Would Say: "Fighting is dangerous! People that have been drinking since 9 am are going to be hammered and looking for fights! Can't they just enjoy the game with an ice-cold lemonade and hugs?!"
My Defense: People fight sober, people fight even more drunk. Every idiot knows that. Shall we ban getting drunk? Half the reason people ever leave the house is to go out and drink. Sorry if most people aren't as creative as Mitch in their daily activities. Getting drunk is fun. Beer tastes good. And guess what? It tastes even better when you're hanging with your friends, getting excited to go watch your favorite team. People are gonna fight. People get drunk and fight everywhere, it isn't just at football games. Take away tailgating because people are getting too drunk? Please, the one thing I know about the general public is this: we will find ways to get drunk, whether you want us to or not.
5. Have You Seen the Lions Play?
What Mitch Would Say: "How could anyone say that watching Calvin Johnson play wide receiver is better with beer and meat than a Sunny D and PB&J?!?!"
My Defense: There are lots of bad teams. Yet, we're stuck with our tickets. How the hell else are we gonna make the game enjoyable? (I mean, besides weed) It can be painful knowing your team is about to lose, even before kickoff. So you make the best of a bad situation and get blackout drunk, yell at Matt Forte "to get his skinny white ass in the end zone for some fucking fantasy points," and maybe give that blonde your number by writing it on a beer cup and throwing it at her. Watching a shitty team sober is degrading to the human spirit, so adding a little artificial spirit is the best way to go about it.
6. I Don't Watch Football Because I'm a Moralist
What Mitch Would Say: "Why, I can't even believe that the NFL allows so much violence. Can't we just play flag football like I used to do in good ol' Saginaw?!"
My Defense: Listen, Mitch. I, along with the rest of the people that enjoy getting obliterated before football games, don't give two shits what you think of me or my "morally gray habits." If I was moral, I'd stay home and watch Tennis or something. Us drunken idiots that you are speaking out against love being drunken idiots. Often, we know we're being drunken idiots. And we fucking love every second of it. It's much more fun to tell Brett Favre to "Suck Some Purple Dick" after five or six 40's. We thrive on people like you telling us we're wrong--it makes us want to get drunker and be more obnoxious. I'm not going to stop being an drunk idiot because some guy who'd rather be in confession on Sunday afternoon thinks I'm the spawn of Satan because I enjoy alcohol more than church, where I'll hear some 75 year old talk like a monotone drone for an hour. If I wanted that, I start a petition to get Madden and Summerall back in the booth together.
7. It's Tradition
What Mitch Would Say: "Just because it's tradition doesn't mean it's right! Tradition in Malaysia is having 8-year olds make your Nikes for 14 hours a day!"
My Defense: Tradition is important to some people. Inhaling a little heart disease and liver failure every fall Sunday is tradition to some people. And who are you to take that away from them? They aren't telling you to not go to church or to stop sacrificing squirrels to the Gods of Nutville, where you certainly must be from Mitch. People LOVE this. You are trying to take away something people LOVE. For some guys, tailgating with their friends every Sunday might be the only time they get to see those guys since they're married with kids. You're killing friendship, Mitch. Go stick your moral opinions up your tight ass while I beer bong a 40 before Monday Night Football starts.
Whew. That was good to get off my chest. Excuse me, I've got to go eat delicious food and get belligerent with my mother. Because that's our Monday tradition.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Transformers
Hey ladies, gentlemen, and other things that can inexplicably read! I've decided to come and finish my Drunk Real Michael Bay Review segment. (No, I'm not doing Transformers 2. I don't think either of us will lose too much sleep over it) I hate Tranformers. I hate Shia LaBeof. But one thing I don't hate it being done with stuff that I hate. So today I finish this abysmal segment, unless I decide to keep it going later on through another director, once and for all. And to all those reading, I'd just like to remind you: I'm not a douchebag asshole writer, I just play one on the Internet. Intro's are for essays. And this is drinking and matching a movie. So let'sssssssssssssssssss GO!
00:00:00: My drink of choice today? Well, I feel like you've been cheated. I haven't got as drunk as I really could've during these segments. So today, if I have all the ingredients, I'm going to be drinking LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS during this garbage flick. (Checks for ingredients....Damnit! I don't have Triple Sec. That is so not worth going to buy.) How bout I create a drink? Ok. Whiskey, Tequila, Sprite with a dash of Champagne. And guess what? It's so good, only a genius would think of it. I now proclaim this drink "The Mannequin" in honor of my fav band Jack's Mannequin and the fact that I'll probably be acting as lifeless as a mannequin after I finish it.
00:00:44: Is it too much to complain about the TV i'm watching Blu-Ray on being too small?
00:02:00: Robot monologues are as monotonely boring as you'd expect one to be.
00:02:39: Taye Diggs is so racist. Attractive, but racist. The good ones, it's always something. Am I right ladies?
00:03:44: How bad do you have to piss someone off to be stationed in Qatar?
00:05:13: Some soldiering skyping with his cute wife asked if his kid "just farted or not." What a catch.
00:06:39: First Transformer sighting and he just straight up murders an army base. When in Qatar...
00:07:50: Transformer downloads all our secrets then throws a few tanks around. No big.
00:09:18: Shia aka Whitwickie, has the worst lame-o name ever in this movie. Let's call him Shia Witwickkie.
00:10:50: First Megan Fox sighting. She's currently ripping out souls in my head.
00:11:45: This is how Shia Witwickie convinced his teacher to give him an A: "What would Jesus do?" Probably tell him his report sucks ass, that's what.
00:12:40: Bernie Mac! BACK FROM THE DEAAAAAAAAAAAD!
00:13:54: Ostrich at a car dealer? Seems relevant.
00:15:35: Car destroys parking lot and Bernie Mac gives into the bartering. That's not the Mac we all knew and loved.
00:16:40: Secretary of Defense recruits kids younger than me to save America. Story of my life, really.
00:17:10: Holy shit, that guy looks exactly like Ryan Reynolds if Ryan was fat and grew a mullet.
00:18:00: Advice to Shia: If you're hawking antiques on ebay, a good user name is NOT ladiesman217.
00:20:49: Shia getting made fun of by the popular kids. I know that, S-Dawg.
00:21:59: When you have a friend that climbs trees, you're chances of having sex with Megan Fox go down times 40,000.
00:23:10: Shia was wondering if he could ride Megan home. His words, not mine.
00:24:36: Megan Fox has an Oscar, right?
00:26:07: Does this movie have a plot, or am I just supposed to be looking at Megan Fox?
00:27:31: How did you not try and kiss her Shia? Wimp.
00:28:09: Guy makes fun of Iran. That's bush league dude.
00:28:50: There's a Tranofrmer on Air Force One. Probably up to good things.
00:29:59: Downloading shit off AFO. GET OFF MY PLANE!
00:30:43: Do hot girl British computer programmer really exist or is that a movie thing?
00:32:19: Secret Service agents getting capped like 50 Cent at a fried chicken BBQ. Not racist. If you don't have fried chicken BBQ's, you have no taste in food.
00:33:25: Robot language is confusing and annoying after tequila and whiskey.
00:34:08: Shia's car is getting stolen by itself. It makes sense if you're Michael Bay and/or a Transformer collector. (hint: you aren't)
00:35:29: If you give a "last words" on video and you mention porn, you are Shia Witwickiee.
00:36:38: Who ever asks "I wonder if Jon Voight's available?" when they are casting movies.
00:37:39: Hot British programmer is actually Australian. That makes her hotter since....I hate British things. Except soccer. I love that.
00:39:11: We are back in Qatar with our soldiers. And thank god, because I was just missing lame action sequences.
00:40:29: Killer robots all OVER the place. No wonder Qatar's tourism industry is strugling.
00:41:33: Taye Diggs screaming about his ass.
00:43:18: Air support blah blah, gunfire, explosions, racism, death. You get the point.
00:44:08: If Taye Diggs tells you to "bring the rain," you better BRING THE RAIN DAMNIT!
00:45:39: There's only one hacker in the world who can crack that code and it's ANTHONY ANDERSON. His fat cuz is busy playing DDR. What a player.
00:47:22: Project Iceman? What is this, Top Gun? Anthony Anderson is crying like a woman. Blech yuck insert unreal word of disgust.
00:48:33: Shia just totally wiped out on a pink bike in front of Megan Fox while being chased by his car. And something tells me that police car is a robot. Hunch only.
00:50:40: ROBOT WARSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
00:51:01: That robot really wants to find out who the ladies man is.
00:53:05: I don't remember what I was going to type.
00:54:22: Robot's are fighting and Shia's in his underwear. Because anything else would be uncivilized.
00:54:49: Found Megan and Shia's future professions: Robot killer and Placekicker.
00:56:30: I doubt Shia's the weirdest boy Megan Fox has ever met.
00:57:38: Nothing like a good ol' fashioned robot fight to bring two horny teens together.
00:59:187: So astroids are really robots? Or are robots really astroids? DOES IT MATTER?
01:00:59: Because if I were a shifting robot, I'd be a Pontiac Solstice!
01:02:39: Literally nothing has happened but music in the last 2 minutes.
01:03:59: His guardian is named Bumblebee. Whatever, mine was named Red Robin Butterfly.
01:05:28: Flashback in a robot movie? Pretentious.
01:06:45: If someone told me I was the key to Earth's survival, that would prove there is no God.
01:07:38: In a 8 second montage, Anthony Anderson eats an entire plate of doughnuts. Also, heart disease.
01:08:23: Anthony is a virgin. Ouch, that guys like 35.
01:10:39: Robot: "Sorry, my bad." You're talking about the movie, right?
01:12:11: If a robot carried Megan Fox up to my room, I wouldn't be looking for glasses. You know what? I probably would be. I'm all talk. But I don't wear glasses. I'd probably look for socks or something.
01:13:50: Robots running into power lines and fat guys running under tables. A day in the life of Michael Bay.
01:14:40: YOU DO NOT WANT SHIA'S DAD TO START COUNTING!
01:15:30: Literal conversation about Shia masturbating. Or "Shia's Happy Time" as it's called in the movie.
01:17:08: Yikes Spikes! The FBI has showed up at Shia Witwickie's. John Tutorro is NOT happy.
01:18:09: Word's you don't want to hear an older lady hear: "Keep your hands off my bush!"
01:19:11: Shia is OFF THE CHARTS on the E-Meter. BTW, this drink ROCKS!
01:21:02: Robot ambush on the FBI. Fucked Beyond Ignition. or something.
01:21:45: I wish I had a robot friend. I mean, for when I get lonely. Wait. All this is coming out wrong aka drunk.
01:23:37: Robot just pissed all over an FBI agent. Not funny, that's a ffederal offense.
01:25:38: Jesus! That robots leaving potholes bigger than the ones in Rand Road!
01:26:48: Ever seen a movie where spectacles are the plot point? Welcome to Michael Bay's World. I gotta bathroom.
01:28:49: I mean, stuff happened while I was in the bathroom...but you don't really care, do you?
01:30:20: TOTAL WORLDWIDE BLACKOUT ON ALL COMM. That's what you get for messing with alien robot things.
01:30:50: If they think I believe that lame ass President Herbert Hoover would set up an awesome secret alien division, than they have something else coming...on their FACE!
01:31:52; These people in the movie act like there's only three options for a villain: Russian, North Korean, or alien robot.
01:33:15: I also bought a car, Shia Witwickie, but the strangest thing about it was that it has this little scratch on the driver door that has just kept rusting and rusting and I'm not sure what to do. I'm just not a greasehead you know? Whatev LOL!
01:34:55: Robbot monologue about mistakes and honor and peace and....yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
01:36:00: I wish John Tutorro would ask me if I wanted a Double Venti Macciato.
01:38:02: Megatron is Harbinger of Death, apparently. I don't really know what any of those words mean, I'm just writing down what they're saying.
01:39:08: Again, there ain't enough tequila in the world to make me believe Hoover was cool.
01:39:48: All the bad robots are transportation devices and looking for their evil alien robot leader. It's as cool as the Blackberry was before the iPhone.
01:41:49: Seems like, if I had a secret government base it wouldn't be in the Hoover Dam, but what do I know? I'm just sane and not completely moronical.
01:42:49: Ten bucks says the evil frozen robot wakes up. I swear, I've never seen this before....(WINK WINK) I swear....
01:43:46: One of the secret agents names is "Siemens." Hehe.
01:44:50: What is this "all-spark" they keep talking about? Sex toy?
01:46:24: I'm bored. Anyone wanna play beer pong?
01:46:50: Frozen robot's awake. You owe me 10.
01:47:30: They are asking for some sort of cube. Ice Cube? I think he's in South Centra'
01:48:20: Why are hot Australian girls so hot when they talk Australian?
01:48:21: I'm pretty weird.
01:49:50: I've always wanted to give an authenticated air strike order. Someone get Barack on the phone.
01:50:59: Here's Michael Bay's patented "road destruction sequence." Help us, lord, we pray.
01:52:14: Can't the fat black guy just save the day already? The tequila is hurting my brain.
01:53:15: I feel like if I played Taye Diggs' character, you wouldn't have noticed the difference. Besides the skin color, of course.
01:54:19: Jeez, why don't Shia Witwickie and Megan Foxer get a f'n room already?
01:55:28: It's the return of the PONTIAC SELICA! Get ready for some actioN!
01:56:15: Explosions behind Megan Fox in slow-mo? Not even the strictest film critic can complain about that.
01:57:55: Megatron just ripped a robot in half. I keep thinking I spilled on myself but it's just a shadow on me. Goddamnit, it's still annoying.
01:59:00: Don't you love how in movies all you have to do is repeat your request over and over and you'll get your way?
02:00:32: I'm sorry, but something is lost in a robot fight. How do I know what hurts them? Not cool at all.
02:01:50: I'm not sure who the good robots are, but they all are sure to be causing alot of death.
02:02:32: An xbox just turned into a robot. Can I ever play video games again? Not unless it's FIFA '10!
02:03:44: I mean, just a whole bunch of gunfire and stuff. Nothing really relevant to any sort of plot.
02:04:49: Megan Fox, gunfire, Megan Fox, robot explosion, Megan Fox, death, fire, Megan Fox, win.
02:06:18: Even robot villains talk and talk and talk to give the good guys time to save each other. SO LAME EPIC FAIL.
02:07:04: Shia WItwickie falls from some building but is caught. Hey, the Cubs are looking for a new catcher, you interested?
02:09:39: BRING THE RAIN TAYE DIGGS! And they do, naturally.
02:10:59: Megatron is gettting lit up worse than Kevin Gregg.
02:11:50: Evil robot dead, Shia fine, and good robots giving life lessons. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK IN A QUALITY FLICK? WHO NEEDS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT PLOT POINTS OR SMART DIALOGUE?
02:13:09: Bumblebee wishes to stay with the boy. Sounds like "Transformers: The Brokeback Mountain Edition" is in development.
02:14:11: Ugh. Another robot monologue to end the movie. I wonder how Bumblebee feels to be getting made out on by Megan Fox and Shia Witwickie.
02:15:00: Don't believe them, there's no sequel!
02:15:10: THE MOVIE/SEGMENT/TORTURE is OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blech! My excitement is beyond the level that a coke addicted raver that's about to have sex with a celebrity must feel! I really hope you enjoyed this whole Michael Bay segment because I didn't. I mean, reading them is fun but writing them is like being shot through space without a spacesuit. Cold and lonely. Anyways, I think I deserve a few days off and I'm going to take them. Have a good weekend ladies! I'm not a drunk writer asshole douchebag. Except on this website.
PEACE I"M OUT
00:00:00: My drink of choice today? Well, I feel like you've been cheated. I haven't got as drunk as I really could've during these segments. So today, if I have all the ingredients, I'm going to be drinking LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS during this garbage flick. (Checks for ingredients....Damnit! I don't have Triple Sec. That is so not worth going to buy.) How bout I create a drink? Ok. Whiskey, Tequila, Sprite with a dash of Champagne. And guess what? It's so good, only a genius would think of it. I now proclaim this drink "The Mannequin" in honor of my fav band Jack's Mannequin and the fact that I'll probably be acting as lifeless as a mannequin after I finish it.
00:00:44: Is it too much to complain about the TV i'm watching Blu-Ray on being too small?
00:02:00: Robot monologues are as monotonely boring as you'd expect one to be.
00:02:39: Taye Diggs is so racist. Attractive, but racist. The good ones, it's always something. Am I right ladies?
00:03:44: How bad do you have to piss someone off to be stationed in Qatar?
00:05:13: Some soldiering skyping with his cute wife asked if his kid "just farted or not." What a catch.
00:06:39: First Transformer sighting and he just straight up murders an army base. When in Qatar...
00:07:50: Transformer downloads all our secrets then throws a few tanks around. No big.
00:09:18: Shia aka Whitwickie, has the worst lame-o name ever in this movie. Let's call him Shia Witwickkie.
00:10:50: First Megan Fox sighting. She's currently ripping out souls in my head.
00:11:45: This is how Shia Witwickie convinced his teacher to give him an A: "What would Jesus do?" Probably tell him his report sucks ass, that's what.
00:12:40: Bernie Mac! BACK FROM THE DEAAAAAAAAAAAD!
00:13:54: Ostrich at a car dealer? Seems relevant.
00:15:35: Car destroys parking lot and Bernie Mac gives into the bartering. That's not the Mac we all knew and loved.
00:16:40: Secretary of Defense recruits kids younger than me to save America. Story of my life, really.
00:17:10: Holy shit, that guy looks exactly like Ryan Reynolds if Ryan was fat and grew a mullet.
00:18:00: Advice to Shia: If you're hawking antiques on ebay, a good user name is NOT ladiesman217.
00:20:49: Shia getting made fun of by the popular kids. I know that, S-Dawg.
00:21:59: When you have a friend that climbs trees, you're chances of having sex with Megan Fox go down times 40,000.
00:23:10: Shia was wondering if he could ride Megan home. His words, not mine.
00:24:36: Megan Fox has an Oscar, right?
00:26:07: Does this movie have a plot, or am I just supposed to be looking at Megan Fox?
00:27:31: How did you not try and kiss her Shia? Wimp.
00:28:09: Guy makes fun of Iran. That's bush league dude.
00:28:50: There's a Tranofrmer on Air Force One. Probably up to good things.
00:29:59: Downloading shit off AFO. GET OFF MY PLANE!
00:30:43: Do hot girl British computer programmer really exist or is that a movie thing?
00:32:19: Secret Service agents getting capped like 50 Cent at a fried chicken BBQ. Not racist. If you don't have fried chicken BBQ's, you have no taste in food.
00:33:25: Robot language is confusing and annoying after tequila and whiskey.
00:34:08: Shia's car is getting stolen by itself. It makes sense if you're Michael Bay and/or a Transformer collector. (hint: you aren't)
00:35:29: If you give a "last words" on video and you mention porn, you are Shia Witwickiee.
00:36:38: Who ever asks "I wonder if Jon Voight's available?" when they are casting movies.
00:37:39: Hot British programmer is actually Australian. That makes her hotter since....I hate British things. Except soccer. I love that.
00:39:11: We are back in Qatar with our soldiers. And thank god, because I was just missing lame action sequences.
00:40:29: Killer robots all OVER the place. No wonder Qatar's tourism industry is strugling.
00:41:33: Taye Diggs screaming about his ass.
00:43:18: Air support blah blah, gunfire, explosions, racism, death. You get the point.
00:44:08: If Taye Diggs tells you to "bring the rain," you better BRING THE RAIN DAMNIT!
00:45:39: There's only one hacker in the world who can crack that code and it's ANTHONY ANDERSON. His fat cuz is busy playing DDR. What a player.
00:47:22: Project Iceman? What is this, Top Gun? Anthony Anderson is crying like a woman. Blech yuck insert unreal word of disgust.
00:48:33: Shia just totally wiped out on a pink bike in front of Megan Fox while being chased by his car. And something tells me that police car is a robot. Hunch only.
00:50:40: ROBOT WARSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
00:51:01: That robot really wants to find out who the ladies man is.
00:53:05: I don't remember what I was going to type.
00:54:22: Robot's are fighting and Shia's in his underwear. Because anything else would be uncivilized.
00:54:49: Found Megan and Shia's future professions: Robot killer and Placekicker.
00:56:30: I doubt Shia's the weirdest boy Megan Fox has ever met.
00:57:38: Nothing like a good ol' fashioned robot fight to bring two horny teens together.
00:59:187: So astroids are really robots? Or are robots really astroids? DOES IT MATTER?
01:00:59: Because if I were a shifting robot, I'd be a Pontiac Solstice!
01:02:39: Literally nothing has happened but music in the last 2 minutes.
01:03:59: His guardian is named Bumblebee. Whatever, mine was named Red Robin Butterfly.
01:05:28: Flashback in a robot movie? Pretentious.
01:06:45: If someone told me I was the key to Earth's survival, that would prove there is no God.
01:07:38: In a 8 second montage, Anthony Anderson eats an entire plate of doughnuts. Also, heart disease.
01:08:23: Anthony is a virgin. Ouch, that guys like 35.
01:10:39: Robot: "Sorry, my bad." You're talking about the movie, right?
01:12:11: If a robot carried Megan Fox up to my room, I wouldn't be looking for glasses. You know what? I probably would be. I'm all talk. But I don't wear glasses. I'd probably look for socks or something.
01:13:50: Robots running into power lines and fat guys running under tables. A day in the life of Michael Bay.
01:14:40: YOU DO NOT WANT SHIA'S DAD TO START COUNTING!
01:15:30: Literal conversation about Shia masturbating. Or "Shia's Happy Time" as it's called in the movie.
01:17:08: Yikes Spikes! The FBI has showed up at Shia Witwickie's. John Tutorro is NOT happy.
01:18:09: Word's you don't want to hear an older lady hear: "Keep your hands off my bush!"
01:19:11: Shia is OFF THE CHARTS on the E-Meter. BTW, this drink ROCKS!
01:21:02: Robot ambush on the FBI. Fucked Beyond Ignition. or something.
01:21:45: I wish I had a robot friend. I mean, for when I get lonely. Wait. All this is coming out wrong aka drunk.
01:23:37: Robot just pissed all over an FBI agent. Not funny, that's a ffederal offense.
01:25:38: Jesus! That robots leaving potholes bigger than the ones in Rand Road!
01:26:48: Ever seen a movie where spectacles are the plot point? Welcome to Michael Bay's World. I gotta bathroom.
01:28:49: I mean, stuff happened while I was in the bathroom...but you don't really care, do you?
01:30:20: TOTAL WORLDWIDE BLACKOUT ON ALL COMM. That's what you get for messing with alien robot things.
01:30:50: If they think I believe that lame ass President Herbert Hoover would set up an awesome secret alien division, than they have something else coming...on their FACE!
01:31:52; These people in the movie act like there's only three options for a villain: Russian, North Korean, or alien robot.
01:33:15: I also bought a car, Shia Witwickie, but the strangest thing about it was that it has this little scratch on the driver door that has just kept rusting and rusting and I'm not sure what to do. I'm just not a greasehead you know? Whatev LOL!
01:34:55: Robbot monologue about mistakes and honor and peace and....yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
01:36:00: I wish John Tutorro would ask me if I wanted a Double Venti Macciato.
01:38:02: Megatron is Harbinger of Death, apparently. I don't really know what any of those words mean, I'm just writing down what they're saying.
01:39:08: Again, there ain't enough tequila in the world to make me believe Hoover was cool.
01:39:48: All the bad robots are transportation devices and looking for their evil alien robot leader. It's as cool as the Blackberry was before the iPhone.
01:41:49: Seems like, if I had a secret government base it wouldn't be in the Hoover Dam, but what do I know? I'm just sane and not completely moronical.
01:42:49: Ten bucks says the evil frozen robot wakes up. I swear, I've never seen this before....(WINK WINK) I swear....
01:43:46: One of the secret agents names is "Siemens." Hehe.
01:44:50: What is this "all-spark" they keep talking about? Sex toy?
01:46:24: I'm bored. Anyone wanna play beer pong?
01:46:50: Frozen robot's awake. You owe me 10.
01:47:30: They are asking for some sort of cube. Ice Cube? I think he's in South Centra'
01:48:20: Why are hot Australian girls so hot when they talk Australian?
01:48:21: I'm pretty weird.
01:49:50: I've always wanted to give an authenticated air strike order. Someone get Barack on the phone.
01:50:59: Here's Michael Bay's patented "road destruction sequence." Help us, lord, we pray.
01:52:14: Can't the fat black guy just save the day already? The tequila is hurting my brain.
01:53:15: I feel like if I played Taye Diggs' character, you wouldn't have noticed the difference. Besides the skin color, of course.
01:54:19: Jeez, why don't Shia Witwickie and Megan Foxer get a f'n room already?
01:55:28: It's the return of the PONTIAC SELICA! Get ready for some actioN!
01:56:15: Explosions behind Megan Fox in slow-mo? Not even the strictest film critic can complain about that.
01:57:55: Megatron just ripped a robot in half. I keep thinking I spilled on myself but it's just a shadow on me. Goddamnit, it's still annoying.
01:59:00: Don't you love how in movies all you have to do is repeat your request over and over and you'll get your way?
02:00:32: I'm sorry, but something is lost in a robot fight. How do I know what hurts them? Not cool at all.
02:01:50: I'm not sure who the good robots are, but they all are sure to be causing alot of death.
02:02:32: An xbox just turned into a robot. Can I ever play video games again? Not unless it's FIFA '10!
02:03:44: I mean, just a whole bunch of gunfire and stuff. Nothing really relevant to any sort of plot.
02:04:49: Megan Fox, gunfire, Megan Fox, robot explosion, Megan Fox, death, fire, Megan Fox, win.
02:06:18: Even robot villains talk and talk and talk to give the good guys time to save each other. SO LAME EPIC FAIL.
02:07:04: Shia WItwickie falls from some building but is caught. Hey, the Cubs are looking for a new catcher, you interested?
02:09:39: BRING THE RAIN TAYE DIGGS! And they do, naturally.
02:10:59: Megatron is gettting lit up worse than Kevin Gregg.
02:11:50: Evil robot dead, Shia fine, and good robots giving life lessons. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK IN A QUALITY FLICK? WHO NEEDS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT PLOT POINTS OR SMART DIALOGUE?
02:13:09: Bumblebee wishes to stay with the boy. Sounds like "Transformers: The Brokeback Mountain Edition" is in development.
02:14:11: Ugh. Another robot monologue to end the movie. I wonder how Bumblebee feels to be getting made out on by Megan Fox and Shia Witwickie.
02:15:00: Don't believe them, there's no sequel!
02:15:10: THE MOVIE/SEGMENT/TORTURE is OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blech! My excitement is beyond the level that a coke addicted raver that's about to have sex with a celebrity must feel! I really hope you enjoyed this whole Michael Bay segment because I didn't. I mean, reading them is fun but writing them is like being shot through space without a spacesuit. Cold and lonely. Anyways, I think I deserve a few days off and I'm going to take them. Have a good weekend ladies! I'm not a drunk writer asshole douchebag. Except on this website.
PEACE I"M OUT
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I'm Pretty (and) Popular Or Something
So I looked at my webcounter earlier today then just a few minutes ago. Apparently, I've had over 120 hits today. Which is like rush hour for this website. So, apparently, people either like getting awards, hate not getting awards but like reading about not getting them, or just like me. And I love all the love I'm getting. It's always been a minor dream to get this blog semi-popular, at least in a small circle. I felt like I needed to write something to recognize the blog's best day in existence. So I decided to link what I think are my Five Best Entries over the last few years. I never thought I'd be doing this thing for four years. But with the encouragment of a few, I've kept it going. Anyways, here's what I think are my Five Best. Please enjoy and keep coming back as I entertain you lovely boozers for four more hilarious years.
End of the World Party
The First Mailbag
Best Duels Ever
Figure Out a Woman By Her Drink
Levels of Sports Fandom
There you have it! And if you want a good bonus one, here's one I did on The World's Ugliest Languages that comes across as racist, admittedly. If you read this, you have to read the comments. They are awesome.
Ugliest Languages.
Stay tuned for more blogging goodness!
End of the World Party
The First Mailbag
Best Duels Ever
Figure Out a Woman By Her Drink
Levels of Sports Fandom
There you have it! And if you want a good bonus one, here's one I did on The World's Ugliest Languages that comes across as racist, admittedly. If you read this, you have to read the comments. They are awesome.
Ugliest Languages.
Stay tuned for more blogging goodness!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Some Drunk Kid Tries To Predict the Oscars
Technically, I'm hungover. But we'll count it. Here I am to annoy you with my predictions of this year's Academy Awards. To be honest, this year sucks. But I'll try.
Best Supporting Actress:
1. Mo'Nique , Precious (Yes, that Mo'Nique)
2. Penelope Cruz, Nine
3. Rachel Weisz, The Lovely Bones
4. Anna Kendrick, Up In the Air
5. Marion Collitard, Public Enemies
Winner/Snubs: Ugh. From what I know/heard, Mo'Nique pretty much has this won. Who cares about snubs? This category is boring. Let's keep moving.
Best Supporting Actor:
1. Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
2. Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
3. Matt Damon, Invictus
4. Alfred Molina, An Education
5. Peter Capaldi, In the Loop
Winner/Snubs: I think predicting Waltz to win is a bit overzealous of me, as if The Lovely Bones is any good, Tucci will probably win. Anthony Mackle from The Hurt Locker was very good but will not get in.
Best Actress:
1. Carey Mulligan, An Education
2. Hilary Swank, Amelia
3. Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
4. Gabourey Sidlbe, Precious
5. Michelle Monaghan, Trucker
Winner/Snubs: I hear Mulligan is far out in front. Too bad I'm not interested in ANY of these performances.
Best Actor:
1. Morgan Freeman, Invictus
2. George Clooney, Up In the Air
3. Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker
4. Johnny Depp, Public Enemies
5. Daniel Day-Lewis, Nine
Winner/Snubs: Freeman as Nelson Mandela? Send him the trophy. It's over.
Best Director:
1. Jason Reitman, Up In the Air
2. Kathyrn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
3. Peter Jackson, The Lovely Bones
4. Rob Marshall, Nine
5. Lee Daniels, Precious
Winner/Snubs: I really want Reitman to win, but time will tell and probably give it to Jackson or Marshall. Lame. Eastwood will probably get snubbed.
Best Picture:
1. The Lovely Bones
2. Up in the Air
3. Nine
4. Precious
5. Invictus
6. Up
7. The Hurt Locker
8. (500) Days of Summer
9. An Education
10. Where the Wild Things Are
Winner/Snubs: Let's be honest: even with 10 films nominated now, the best films of the year will still be snubbed. District 9, (500) Days of Summer, Inglorious Basterds, Star Trek, and any comedy are/will be more interesting than An Education, Nine, and Invictus which are all just Oscar bait. (500) Days of Summer is the best movie of the year, but it will be snubbed by everyone but me. Whew. Rant over.
Best Supporting Actress:
1. Mo'Nique , Precious (Yes, that Mo'Nique)
2. Penelope Cruz, Nine
3. Rachel Weisz, The Lovely Bones
4. Anna Kendrick, Up In the Air
5. Marion Collitard, Public Enemies
Winner/Snubs: Ugh. From what I know/heard, Mo'Nique pretty much has this won. Who cares about snubs? This category is boring. Let's keep moving.
Best Supporting Actor:
1. Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
2. Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
3. Matt Damon, Invictus
4. Alfred Molina, An Education
5. Peter Capaldi, In the Loop
Winner/Snubs: I think predicting Waltz to win is a bit overzealous of me, as if The Lovely Bones is any good, Tucci will probably win. Anthony Mackle from The Hurt Locker was very good but will not get in.
Best Actress:
1. Carey Mulligan, An Education
2. Hilary Swank, Amelia
3. Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
4. Gabourey Sidlbe, Precious
5. Michelle Monaghan, Trucker
Winner/Snubs: I hear Mulligan is far out in front. Too bad I'm not interested in ANY of these performances.
Best Actor:
1. Morgan Freeman, Invictus
2. George Clooney, Up In the Air
3. Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker
4. Johnny Depp, Public Enemies
5. Daniel Day-Lewis, Nine
Winner/Snubs: Freeman as Nelson Mandela? Send him the trophy. It's over.
Best Director:
1. Jason Reitman, Up In the Air
2. Kathyrn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
3. Peter Jackson, The Lovely Bones
4. Rob Marshall, Nine
5. Lee Daniels, Precious
Winner/Snubs: I really want Reitman to win, but time will tell and probably give it to Jackson or Marshall. Lame. Eastwood will probably get snubbed.
Best Picture:
1. The Lovely Bones
2. Up in the Air
3. Nine
4. Precious
5. Invictus
6. Up
7. The Hurt Locker
8. (500) Days of Summer
9. An Education
10. Where the Wild Things Are
Winner/Snubs: Let's be honest: even with 10 films nominated now, the best films of the year will still be snubbed. District 9, (500) Days of Summer, Inglorious Basterds, Star Trek, and any comedy are/will be more interesting than An Education, Nine, and Invictus which are all just Oscar bait. (500) Days of Summer is the best movie of the year, but it will be snubbed by everyone but me. Whew. Rant over.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Feats of Strength: 30 Things To Do Before You Die
You see, when I write this blog thinger every so often, sometimes I stare out my window while I'm typing. I see the beautiful world out there, whether it be raining, snowing, hailing, or just plain sunny as a cucumber. I think "one day, I'm not gonna be able to see all this." There will be one day where you will look out that window for the last time. So what I'm doing for you today is to make sure that the last time you look out that window, you got a shit-eating grin on your face. You know why you have a shit-eating grin on your face? Because you've done it all. If you finish this list that is. 30 Things Every Drunk Should Do Before They Die. Obviously, they all involve alcohol.
30. Go On a Bender
Why? Maybe someone just died, maybe you just got dumped, maybe both. Maybe your life just sucks. A bender is this: drinking all day, waking up and doing it again and doing it again, etc. I'd say the minimum to be counted is 3 days. But it sure as hell will help you get over it. My bender was a full 4 days of basically living off of rum and pineapple juice. A weird combo, I know, but my justification was that it reminded me of sunnier times.
29. Dance By Yourself In Front of Everyone
Why? Some people won't dance, since they are awful. Well, look out on the dance floor. If there are 100 people, 75 are terrible dancers. I'd say 80% of people just rock back and forth anyway. But being hammered and attempting to get down like you never have in front of a large crowd? You might get boo'd. But you MIGHT get cheered. Either way, you're a winner. Because you had the confidence to do it. Confidence is hot.
28. Bartend
Why? I think this one goes without saying. Why not get paid to do what you do at home? Make drinks and talk to drunk people. 'Nuff said.
27. Get Sent to the Drunk Tank
Why? Nothing will make you regret drinking more than waking up in jail and not knowing why you're there. It's good sometimes to be reminded of the bad things that booze can do. It will make you learn your lesson. Hopefully just temporarily though.
26. Get Drunk With Your Parents
Why? They are the people that brought you into this world. Whether you hate them, love them, or whatever, it's important to remember that you could've had it worse. So sit back, mix a few cocktails and get a buzz going with mommy and daddy.
25. Get Drunk By Yourself
Why? There are these social norms that say you're an alcoholic if you drink by yourself. I say societal norms are for people who care what others think. You want to take a true, hard look at your life? Pour a few whiskey sours and look in the mirror. You may never be more honest with yourself.
24. Finish a Bottle of Liquor By Yourself
Why? The true test of a drinker is obviously their tolerance. Think you got what it takes? Finish that fifth of Captain Morgan and get back to me. (Ed.'s Note: I hate Captain Morgan)
23. Drunk Fight Someone
Why? I'm not much for fighting but I do believe everyone should at least get in one during their time on good ol' Earth. If nothing else, it'll convince you not to do it ever again. Unless you win. Which if you're reading this, is very doubtful.
22. Get Banned From a Bar
Why? Not kicked out, banned. Forever. Now I've been kicked out before, but not banned. To be banned requires an act so vile, so perverse that only the most drunk of drunk people can pull it off. Anyone ever been 86'd? I'd love to hear your story.
21. Overtip Your Bartender
Why? Once in your life, show your favorite bartender how grateful you really are for pouring your scotch and sodas. You'll never get bad service at that bar ever again.
20. Have Sex in Public
Why? Sex if fun. Unless you're my friend Tim, then it's just worth too much effort. Know the rush you get when you're doing something bad and getting away with it? Oh. Well, have sex in public (public = outside, somewhere visible) and feel the rush. Hard.
19. Drink at Work (or Go to Work Drunk)
Why? Because work sucks and this will make it feel a little better. Those TPS reports will seem comical when you're thinking about your water bottle full of vodka sitting right next to it. Make sure you have some gum and cologne though.
18. Be the Night's DJ
Why? Even if it's standing by the jukebox all night putting in quarters, there's not many better feelings than picking a song and hearing people say "OH! I love this song!" and getting up to dance. If you've got a good flow going, noone would dare pick a song til you miss.
17. Dominate a Drinking Game All Night
Why? Maybe it's quarters, beer pong, or flip cup. Who cares? Hold the title of "winner" for the whole night. Make people say "Damn, that guy is good." They might think you spend too much time in your life playing that game. I say fuck 'em. They're really just jealous they can't do it. Besides, people who are winning at drinking games tend to get more free booze.
16. Make Out In Front of EVERYONE at a Bar
Why? I'm assuming my over-age readers (and underage with Fake IDs) have probably polished this one off. But for those who haven't, do it. There really is nothing like making out with someone sloppy drunk in front of baffled onlookers and not caring. It's liberating.
15. Take Too Many Pictures
Why? Guys tend to not like to take pictures while they're out. I don't know why, I love it. I think it's more the mentality that it's a girl thing and guys (at least the ones I know) are really only out to pick up girls. Well, FUCK THAT! The memories of drunken fun usually only live on in the pictures you take. So take way too many.
14. Spend Over $100 on One Bottle
Why? It might be champagne for you and your spouse's anniversary or a present for your best friend, but one time in your life, you should know how $100 booze tastes like. Maybe it tastes like that $10 bottle of whiskey you have at home, but at least you'll have tasted it.
13. Get Drunk Somewhere You Shouldn't Be Drunk
Why? Church, Class, Your AA Meeting, wherever. Somewhere completely inappropriate. It's funner than it sounds and it'll make even the most boring leadership seminar seem at least a little interesting.
12. Buy a Member of Your Favorite Band a Drink
Why? There is little better than drunk music. Thank the men that make you rock out while getting liquored up. They deserve at least one.
11. Watch Your Favorite Movie Drunk
Why? Remember how being drunk makes everything better? Try being drunk and watching your favorite flick. Your fond memories of it will only intensify under the sauce.
10. Do a Kick-Ass Kegstand
Why? I say "kick-ass" because it obviously depends on your size and tolerance. I'd say a 15-20 seconds is OK, but not great. If you want a real goal, I'd say something really impressive would be between 45-60 seconds. You'll get mad respect.
9. Join the Century Club
Why? You can do a power hour, whoop-de-doo. So can the rest of your campus/city/slum. Try doing it for 100 minutes. Can you handle 10-11 beers in less than two hours? Now that's a real feat of strength.
8. Get Drunk Overseas (Mexico is not "Overseas")
Why? Drink up someone else's culture. Buy a bottle of wine and sit out in a cafe in Venice. Split a bottle of ouzo in Greece. Get some pitchers of Sangria in Spain. Have some sake in a Japanese karaoke bar. Take in the culture of another country by sitting out and just enjoying the view with a bottle of liquor. Customs, sightseeing, and all that is great, but just sitting and taking the city in? That's what too many travelers take for granted.
7. Drink All Night to Honor the Fallen
Why? Maybe one of your parents, friends, or extended family members has just died. Honor their memory with a bunch of shots, drinks, and stories about their past. Trust me on this, it'll help you remember the best of times you had with that person. And that truly is the testament of a lifetime: the great times you'll never forget.
6. Buy the Entire Bar a Shot
Why? Yeah, it may not be economically viable these days. So maybe go into a dive and buy the five alcoholics there a shot. Either way, feel the feeling of complete and utter joy around you. That's everyone toasting to you. Even as you sign that $150 bar tab, you'll still be smiling.
5. Make Your Pilgrimage
Why? Go drink where your ancestors boozed. Go get a St. Patrick's Day Guinness in Dublin (best moment of my life? probably) if you're Irish. German? Go sample the Oktoberfest brews. Russian? I hear the vodka is da, very good, in Moscow. Every country has their own special brand of alcohol. Drinking it in America is just not the same as enjoying it where it was meant to be enjoyed.
4. Go to Vegas for a Impromptu Weekend
Why? Get three of your friends and plan a trip on Tuesday to leave on Friday. Spend two nights drinking, gambling, and carousing all over the city. There is no better city to find adventure and fun than in Vegas. Remember: no matter what you bet on, you can bet on having a good time. (Wordplay? kind of my thing)
3. Hit on Someone So Far Out of Your League, You Might as Well Be on the Latvian Bowling Team, Second Division
Why? Rejection is part of life. There's something wrong with you if you don't ever get rejected. Not everyone clicks, it's just a part of life. Sometimes you only have 10 seconds to get someone to like you. Go over to that ten. Not a good idea to ask if she wants a drink, since it'll probably be for nothing, but getting a little sauced and going for it is never a bad idea.
2. Tell Someone How You Really Feel
Why? In love with that girl that you're only supposed to be friends with? Hate your boss? Think your girlfriends "platonic" guy friend has a secret agenda? Get drunk and call them out. There's no better feeling than getting the truth out. Because there's no worse feeling than regretting not doing something. You might hurt feelings, you might lose friends. But you might find out that others feel the exact same way. Either way, regret is too strong of a feeling to live with. So don't live with it.
1. Give and Receive an Awesome Best Man Speech (Or Maid of Honor Toast)
Why? There's rarely a bigger honor in a man's life than being someone's best man or asking someone to be your best man. I, for one, already know who my best man will be and I'm sure it will reciprocated. Giving a great best man speech is tough, but if it comes from the heart, there's no doubt that it will kill. So toast your best friend on the best day of his life and listen to him toast you on yours. It's unlikely you'll have a drunken moment that will be more meaningful.
There you go. Cross them off one by one on your way to your grave and hopefully, when you die, they can print this out and show all 30 things crossed off at your funeral. It'll be awesome. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my post on feats of strength and your hopefully future accomplishments. Until next time, adios muchachos!
30. Go On a Bender
Why? Maybe someone just died, maybe you just got dumped, maybe both. Maybe your life just sucks. A bender is this: drinking all day, waking up and doing it again and doing it again, etc. I'd say the minimum to be counted is 3 days. But it sure as hell will help you get over it. My bender was a full 4 days of basically living off of rum and pineapple juice. A weird combo, I know, but my justification was that it reminded me of sunnier times.
29. Dance By Yourself In Front of Everyone
Why? Some people won't dance, since they are awful. Well, look out on the dance floor. If there are 100 people, 75 are terrible dancers. I'd say 80% of people just rock back and forth anyway. But being hammered and attempting to get down like you never have in front of a large crowd? You might get boo'd. But you MIGHT get cheered. Either way, you're a winner. Because you had the confidence to do it. Confidence is hot.
28. Bartend
Why? I think this one goes without saying. Why not get paid to do what you do at home? Make drinks and talk to drunk people. 'Nuff said.
27. Get Sent to the Drunk Tank
Why? Nothing will make you regret drinking more than waking up in jail and not knowing why you're there. It's good sometimes to be reminded of the bad things that booze can do. It will make you learn your lesson. Hopefully just temporarily though.
26. Get Drunk With Your Parents
Why? They are the people that brought you into this world. Whether you hate them, love them, or whatever, it's important to remember that you could've had it worse. So sit back, mix a few cocktails and get a buzz going with mommy and daddy.
25. Get Drunk By Yourself
Why? There are these social norms that say you're an alcoholic if you drink by yourself. I say societal norms are for people who care what others think. You want to take a true, hard look at your life? Pour a few whiskey sours and look in the mirror. You may never be more honest with yourself.
24. Finish a Bottle of Liquor By Yourself
Why? The true test of a drinker is obviously their tolerance. Think you got what it takes? Finish that fifth of Captain Morgan and get back to me. (Ed.'s Note: I hate Captain Morgan)
23. Drunk Fight Someone
Why? I'm not much for fighting but I do believe everyone should at least get in one during their time on good ol' Earth. If nothing else, it'll convince you not to do it ever again. Unless you win. Which if you're reading this, is very doubtful.
22. Get Banned From a Bar
Why? Not kicked out, banned. Forever. Now I've been kicked out before, but not banned. To be banned requires an act so vile, so perverse that only the most drunk of drunk people can pull it off. Anyone ever been 86'd? I'd love to hear your story.
21. Overtip Your Bartender
Why? Once in your life, show your favorite bartender how grateful you really are for pouring your scotch and sodas. You'll never get bad service at that bar ever again.
20. Have Sex in Public
Why? Sex if fun. Unless you're my friend Tim, then it's just worth too much effort. Know the rush you get when you're doing something bad and getting away with it? Oh. Well, have sex in public (public = outside, somewhere visible) and feel the rush. Hard.
19. Drink at Work (or Go to Work Drunk)
Why? Because work sucks and this will make it feel a little better. Those TPS reports will seem comical when you're thinking about your water bottle full of vodka sitting right next to it. Make sure you have some gum and cologne though.
18. Be the Night's DJ
Why? Even if it's standing by the jukebox all night putting in quarters, there's not many better feelings than picking a song and hearing people say "OH! I love this song!" and getting up to dance. If you've got a good flow going, noone would dare pick a song til you miss.
17. Dominate a Drinking Game All Night
Why? Maybe it's quarters, beer pong, or flip cup. Who cares? Hold the title of "winner" for the whole night. Make people say "Damn, that guy is good." They might think you spend too much time in your life playing that game. I say fuck 'em. They're really just jealous they can't do it. Besides, people who are winning at drinking games tend to get more free booze.
16. Make Out In Front of EVERYONE at a Bar
Why? I'm assuming my over-age readers (and underage with Fake IDs) have probably polished this one off. But for those who haven't, do it. There really is nothing like making out with someone sloppy drunk in front of baffled onlookers and not caring. It's liberating.
15. Take Too Many Pictures
Why? Guys tend to not like to take pictures while they're out. I don't know why, I love it. I think it's more the mentality that it's a girl thing and guys (at least the ones I know) are really only out to pick up girls. Well, FUCK THAT! The memories of drunken fun usually only live on in the pictures you take. So take way too many.
14. Spend Over $100 on One Bottle
Why? It might be champagne for you and your spouse's anniversary or a present for your best friend, but one time in your life, you should know how $100 booze tastes like. Maybe it tastes like that $10 bottle of whiskey you have at home, but at least you'll have tasted it.
13. Get Drunk Somewhere You Shouldn't Be Drunk
Why? Church, Class, Your AA Meeting, wherever. Somewhere completely inappropriate. It's funner than it sounds and it'll make even the most boring leadership seminar seem at least a little interesting.
12. Buy a Member of Your Favorite Band a Drink
Why? There is little better than drunk music. Thank the men that make you rock out while getting liquored up. They deserve at least one.
11. Watch Your Favorite Movie Drunk
Why? Remember how being drunk makes everything better? Try being drunk and watching your favorite flick. Your fond memories of it will only intensify under the sauce.
10. Do a Kick-Ass Kegstand
Why? I say "kick-ass" because it obviously depends on your size and tolerance. I'd say a 15-20 seconds is OK, but not great. If you want a real goal, I'd say something really impressive would be between 45-60 seconds. You'll get mad respect.
9. Join the Century Club
Why? You can do a power hour, whoop-de-doo. So can the rest of your campus/city/slum. Try doing it for 100 minutes. Can you handle 10-11 beers in less than two hours? Now that's a real feat of strength.
8. Get Drunk Overseas (Mexico is not "Overseas")
Why? Drink up someone else's culture. Buy a bottle of wine and sit out in a cafe in Venice. Split a bottle of ouzo in Greece. Get some pitchers of Sangria in Spain. Have some sake in a Japanese karaoke bar. Take in the culture of another country by sitting out and just enjoying the view with a bottle of liquor. Customs, sightseeing, and all that is great, but just sitting and taking the city in? That's what too many travelers take for granted.
7. Drink All Night to Honor the Fallen
Why? Maybe one of your parents, friends, or extended family members has just died. Honor their memory with a bunch of shots, drinks, and stories about their past. Trust me on this, it'll help you remember the best of times you had with that person. And that truly is the testament of a lifetime: the great times you'll never forget.
6. Buy the Entire Bar a Shot
Why? Yeah, it may not be economically viable these days. So maybe go into a dive and buy the five alcoholics there a shot. Either way, feel the feeling of complete and utter joy around you. That's everyone toasting to you. Even as you sign that $150 bar tab, you'll still be smiling.
5. Make Your Pilgrimage
Why? Go drink where your ancestors boozed. Go get a St. Patrick's Day Guinness in Dublin (best moment of my life? probably) if you're Irish. German? Go sample the Oktoberfest brews. Russian? I hear the vodka is da, very good, in Moscow. Every country has their own special brand of alcohol. Drinking it in America is just not the same as enjoying it where it was meant to be enjoyed.
4. Go to Vegas for a Impromptu Weekend
Why? Get three of your friends and plan a trip on Tuesday to leave on Friday. Spend two nights drinking, gambling, and carousing all over the city. There is no better city to find adventure and fun than in Vegas. Remember: no matter what you bet on, you can bet on having a good time. (Wordplay? kind of my thing)
3. Hit on Someone So Far Out of Your League, You Might as Well Be on the Latvian Bowling Team, Second Division
Why? Rejection is part of life. There's something wrong with you if you don't ever get rejected. Not everyone clicks, it's just a part of life. Sometimes you only have 10 seconds to get someone to like you. Go over to that ten. Not a good idea to ask if she wants a drink, since it'll probably be for nothing, but getting a little sauced and going for it is never a bad idea.
2. Tell Someone How You Really Feel
Why? In love with that girl that you're only supposed to be friends with? Hate your boss? Think your girlfriends "platonic" guy friend has a secret agenda? Get drunk and call them out. There's no better feeling than getting the truth out. Because there's no worse feeling than regretting not doing something. You might hurt feelings, you might lose friends. But you might find out that others feel the exact same way. Either way, regret is too strong of a feeling to live with. So don't live with it.
1. Give and Receive an Awesome Best Man Speech (Or Maid of Honor Toast)
Why? There's rarely a bigger honor in a man's life than being someone's best man or asking someone to be your best man. I, for one, already know who my best man will be and I'm sure it will reciprocated. Giving a great best man speech is tough, but if it comes from the heart, there's no doubt that it will kill. So toast your best friend on the best day of his life and listen to him toast you on yours. It's unlikely you'll have a drunken moment that will be more meaningful.
There you go. Cross them off one by one on your way to your grave and hopefully, when you die, they can print this out and show all 30 things crossed off at your funeral. It'll be awesome. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my post on feats of strength and your hopefully future accomplishments. Until next time, adios muchachos!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Drunk Personalities: Men
Seeing as how I've already tackled the drunk personalities of women, it's time to add another chapter to the series. That is, if I've already done women, what's left? Yup. You guessed it (hopefully), men. What are men like while drunk? Read on and find out, ladies. (Do any ladies actually read this?)
The Bro Raper
Common Offenders: Current and Former Frat boys
Traits: Tan, Ripped, Bleached Hair, Possible Popped Collar, Definitely hates me
But Why? The direct opposite of the "Whoo!" Girls, Bro Rapers end every sentence with bro. Yeah, bro! For sure, bro! Everything is "as fuck." Drunk as fuck, jacked as fuck, fucked as fuck. The possibilities for lameness are endless. While drunk, these trends are amplified. They will hit on your girlfriend. Usually, they only go for obviously drunk young chicks. Pretty much too cool for anything but grinding, hitting on girls, or drinking some brewski's with his broski's. Also may sport a hat that is bright white, just tilted a little to the side. But only if he's feeling limber.
The Heavily Hammered
Common Offender: Really Skinny, Really Fat, and/or Really Ugly People
Traits: Ugly, Fat, Skinny, Cockblock, Fun, Teeny bit annoying
But Why? The Heavily Hammered are there to do one thing and one thing only: get FUCKED UP! And they will say it like that. They are loud, funny, and out of control. Will hang around any of his friends that aren't hitting on girls. Usually, the Heavily Hammered is too debilitated to pick up girls, which is why he compensates and gets hammered. He will never stop drinking throughout the night until he pukes in your back seat when you're 10 feet away from his driveway.
The One or Two
Common Offenders: Good Looking Guys out to pick up girls
Traits: Good-Looking, Well-Groomed, Not Me
But Why? The One or Two will only have one or two. He won't get that drunk because he needs to be on top of his game. He'll be on the prowl for drunk girls. He may even go to the bar alone, he's that confident in his game. He'll nurse his beer like he's moonlighting at the hospital. To him, Girls > Fun. Which is sometimes true, but not 100% of the time, but it is to him. Usually the guy in the group that everyone gets pissed at because he's good at everything he does.
The Creep
Common Offenders: Men with little to no social skills
Traits: Awkward, Creepy, Just.....strange.
But Why? The creep, normally reserved when sober, comes out completely when drunk. He's too forward, says things that are baffling, and doesn't know when to stop. Will probably be the guy that cock-blocks you because he thinks he's still got a shot with the girl you were just making out with on the dance floor. Even the drunkest of people can sense the creepiness. Probably was/is in a long relationship that has caused his social skills to deteriorate.
The Reverter
Common Offenders: Shy guys trying to get over the ex, in a fight with their current girl, or just lacking confidence
Traits: Stand-offish, depressed, fragile.
But Why? The Reverter just can't get over the bad things that have happened to him. Fight or break-up, possibly just unsuccessful with women in general, just reverts him back to his old, shy self. He's not fun to hang out with and alcohol makes it terribly worse. He'll probably spend most of the night in the corner, texting his ex, and wallowing in self-pity. Could be a fun guy but only if everything is going right for him. The most annoying type of guy drunk there is.
The Sophisticated
Common Offenders: Rich Guys, in general
Traits: Rich, Stylish, Suave, Stuck-Up
But Why? The Sophisticated has enough to spend on the entire bar. He'll be buying Grey Goose Martini's for him and all the girl's he's flirting with. Likely married and cheating. Only hangs out in the most expensive, cool bars around. Likely lives in the city or in a rich suburb. Isn't afraid to flaunt his money but won't "make it rain" or anything. The more of them there are, the more they flaunt it. The kind of guys that get DUI's even though they could probably hire a driver. Will buy a girl any and every drink she wants. May roofie.
The Fighter
Common Offenders: The Insecure, the Emotional, the Stupid, Meatheads
Traits: Angry, Stupid, Emotional,
But Why? Drinking is supposed to be fun but not for these guys. That guy glance at you for more than two seconds? "God, I'm gonna pound that douche." Bump into you in a crowded bar? "What the fuck, bra?" Likely also a "Bro Raper" drunk. There's just something about alcohol that makes the fighter want to fight and do nothing else. He's just begging for a reason to get in your face and look like a total badass, even though he's looking like a total ass. He's not secure enough with himself to just have fun, so he thinks he needs to prove something to everyone by beating on smaller people. Also, I hate these people because they can all kill me.
The Michael Francis Dolan
Common Offenders: Well, me. What are you, dumb?
Traits: Uber-Attractive, Funny, Smart, Loveable, just plain magic in bed and never exaggerates.
But Why? My drunkenness is one of a kind, or so I've heard. When drinking, rarely anything can get M.F. Dolan down. He may not be the life of the party, but everyone at the party loves that he's there. Even him being belligerent is fun because he's not too loud or stupid, just plain fun. Never fights or wants to, would rather drink with a person that just bumped into him. The perfect kind of drunk. The drunk I wish everyone was. He steals your women, drinks your Patron, hits on your mom, and is an excellent drunk writer. You may hate him because of that, but guess what? Everyone else does not.
There you have it. I'm sure you can lump all of your male friends into at least one of these categories. Trust me, I know drunk people. I was basically fertilized in red wine and rum anyway. But I'm not too much into the conclusion today. So I'm going to leave you with this, a dynamite video that will make you more awesome for having watched it. Here it is. It's humorous.
The Bro Raper
Common Offenders: Current and Former Frat boys
Traits: Tan, Ripped, Bleached Hair, Possible Popped Collar, Definitely hates me
But Why? The direct opposite of the "Whoo!" Girls, Bro Rapers end every sentence with bro. Yeah, bro! For sure, bro! Everything is "as fuck." Drunk as fuck, jacked as fuck, fucked as fuck. The possibilities for lameness are endless. While drunk, these trends are amplified. They will hit on your girlfriend. Usually, they only go for obviously drunk young chicks. Pretty much too cool for anything but grinding, hitting on girls, or drinking some brewski's with his broski's. Also may sport a hat that is bright white, just tilted a little to the side. But only if he's feeling limber.
The Heavily Hammered
Common Offender: Really Skinny, Really Fat, and/or Really Ugly People
Traits: Ugly, Fat, Skinny, Cockblock, Fun, Teeny bit annoying
But Why? The Heavily Hammered are there to do one thing and one thing only: get FUCKED UP! And they will say it like that. They are loud, funny, and out of control. Will hang around any of his friends that aren't hitting on girls. Usually, the Heavily Hammered is too debilitated to pick up girls, which is why he compensates and gets hammered. He will never stop drinking throughout the night until he pukes in your back seat when you're 10 feet away from his driveway.
The One or Two
Common Offenders: Good Looking Guys out to pick up girls
Traits: Good-Looking, Well-Groomed, Not Me
But Why? The One or Two will only have one or two. He won't get that drunk because he needs to be on top of his game. He'll be on the prowl for drunk girls. He may even go to the bar alone, he's that confident in his game. He'll nurse his beer like he's moonlighting at the hospital. To him, Girls > Fun. Which is sometimes true, but not 100% of the time, but it is to him. Usually the guy in the group that everyone gets pissed at because he's good at everything he does.
The Creep
Common Offenders: Men with little to no social skills
Traits: Awkward, Creepy, Just.....strange.
But Why? The creep, normally reserved when sober, comes out completely when drunk. He's too forward, says things that are baffling, and doesn't know when to stop. Will probably be the guy that cock-blocks you because he thinks he's still got a shot with the girl you were just making out with on the dance floor. Even the drunkest of people can sense the creepiness. Probably was/is in a long relationship that has caused his social skills to deteriorate.
The Reverter
Common Offenders: Shy guys trying to get over the ex, in a fight with their current girl, or just lacking confidence
Traits: Stand-offish, depressed, fragile.
But Why? The Reverter just can't get over the bad things that have happened to him. Fight or break-up, possibly just unsuccessful with women in general, just reverts him back to his old, shy self. He's not fun to hang out with and alcohol makes it terribly worse. He'll probably spend most of the night in the corner, texting his ex, and wallowing in self-pity. Could be a fun guy but only if everything is going right for him. The most annoying type of guy drunk there is.
The Sophisticated
Common Offenders: Rich Guys, in general
Traits: Rich, Stylish, Suave, Stuck-Up
But Why? The Sophisticated has enough to spend on the entire bar. He'll be buying Grey Goose Martini's for him and all the girl's he's flirting with. Likely married and cheating. Only hangs out in the most expensive, cool bars around. Likely lives in the city or in a rich suburb. Isn't afraid to flaunt his money but won't "make it rain" or anything. The more of them there are, the more they flaunt it. The kind of guys that get DUI's even though they could probably hire a driver. Will buy a girl any and every drink she wants. May roofie.
The Fighter
Common Offenders: The Insecure, the Emotional, the Stupid, Meatheads
Traits: Angry, Stupid, Emotional,
But Why? Drinking is supposed to be fun but not for these guys. That guy glance at you for more than two seconds? "God, I'm gonna pound that douche." Bump into you in a crowded bar? "What the fuck, bra?" Likely also a "Bro Raper" drunk. There's just something about alcohol that makes the fighter want to fight and do nothing else. He's just begging for a reason to get in your face and look like a total badass, even though he's looking like a total ass. He's not secure enough with himself to just have fun, so he thinks he needs to prove something to everyone by beating on smaller people. Also, I hate these people because they can all kill me.
The Michael Francis Dolan
Common Offenders: Well, me. What are you, dumb?
Traits: Uber-Attractive, Funny, Smart, Loveable, just plain magic in bed and never exaggerates.
But Why? My drunkenness is one of a kind, or so I've heard. When drinking, rarely anything can get M.F. Dolan down. He may not be the life of the party, but everyone at the party loves that he's there. Even him being belligerent is fun because he's not too loud or stupid, just plain fun. Never fights or wants to, would rather drink with a person that just bumped into him. The perfect kind of drunk. The drunk I wish everyone was. He steals your women, drinks your Patron, hits on your mom, and is an excellent drunk writer. You may hate him because of that, but guess what? Everyone else does not.
There you have it. I'm sure you can lump all of your male friends into at least one of these categories. Trust me, I know drunk people. I was basically fertilized in red wine and rum anyway. But I'm not too much into the conclusion today. So I'm going to leave you with this, a dynamite video that will make you more awesome for having watched it. Here it is. It's humorous.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: The Island
With my Michael Bay series at only 3 movies left, I'm a tad bit torn. On one hand, I won't have to watch these crappy movies anymore while drinking. On the other hand, I---wait, why am I torn? I'm more ecstatic than anything. So get your ice bucket near, find a ripped copy of the DVD online and join me as I watch and drink a movie I couldn't be more apathetic about. Another over 2 hour extraganza of horror Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: The Island. At least Scarlett Johansson is in it. She's pretttttty.
00:00:00: Today, I'll be drinking 7 & 7's cause that's really all I drink anymore. Whatever. Let's get this show on the proverbial road. (I could use proverbial in any sentence and you wouldn't know the proverbial difference. What a garbage word.)
00:01:00: The back of ScarJo's head is prettier than most girl's whole head.
00:02:35: To describe the scene I just saw would give me a seizure.
00:03:36: Ewen McGregor has a high sodium level. Must be all those soft pretzels. They are pretty yummy.
00:05:25: Big black dude won the lottery. Something tells me "going to the island" is like telling your 5 year old your dead dog ran away.
00:08:18: Where do I sign up for this place?
00:10:10: Anything hotter than ScarJo asking for 5 pieces of bacon? Not that I know of.
00:12:40: Is Ewen McGregor a good actor? I can never tell. Good looking cat though.
00:13:34: Preach on Ewen! Tofu night is for losers!
00:15:49: Synaptic brain scan does NOT sound harmless, guy who played the villain in Goldeneye.
00:17:14: "What are we doing here anyway?" Good question.
00:19:18: Lima One Alpha starts going into labor. Maybe her kids name will be Lima Beana Zeta.
00:21:06: Hey look! It's Steve Buscemi! Must be awesome to be Michael Bay's go-to-guy.
00:21:49: "You're a bad influence on me...must be why I like you." Pretty much all my friends have told me that at least once.
00:23:40: Ewen sees a butterfly and this, ladies and gentlemen, is an actual plot point.
00:25:03: So this island is for growing people? They stole my idea.
00:26:56: Creepy overview of exo-skeletens. Exactly what I want to watch when I'm pouring another drink.
00:28:01: Virtual kickboxing between ScarJo and E-Mac. I think he lets her win. Hell, who wouldn't?
00:29:29: I wish ScarJo could tell when I was lying...in her bed. ZING!
00:30:12: Residents have just discovered the word "Dude". Now they know 5% of my vocab.
00:31:10: ScarJo wins the island lottery and she gets a one-way ticket to paradise, death, or Michael Bay's living room.
00:33:43: Ewen's doing something but....uh....idk wtf's goin 2 happ.
00:34:55: E-Mac is playing doctor. Or scientist? He's the MASTTTTTER OF DISGUISE!
00:36:18: Lima Beana just gave birth and now they are killing her. Come on silly, I coulda told u that!
00:37:05: Ewen = horrified. Now they are giving the baby to some real couple. So this is an adoption agency? Lamest. Plot. Ever.
00:39:02: Words you don't wanna hear when you're getting surgery: "I don't want to have to euthanize this guy to get his liver." So now this is an organ transplant harvesting plant? Better than adoption agency, still ultra-lame.
00:41:25: Ewen's been caught snooping. You are, as they in China, about to be aborted.
00:41:55: Drinking is funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNnnnnnn.
00:43:01: E-Mac and ScarJo are escaping. THINK THEY'LL MAKE IT OMGZZ???
00:44:10: The cameraman is having a seizure, somebody call NINE ONE ONE! THE CAMERAMAN IS SEIZING ON THE GROUND FLOOR! OH OH OH!
00:45:47: If ScarJo saved my life, I'd thank her. Hard.
00:47:36: Still trying to escape. Is this gonna be the rest of the movie? There better be a sex scene or something.
00:49:25: So they were really just underground in the desert. Might be a bit of a hike out of there.
00:51:19: Black guy walking off a helicopter, much cooler than any white guy could ever hope to look walking out of helicopter.
00:54:24: Resting on the steps of a Mayan temple. Will they sing nonsense songs in 12 bars to the jaguars? Ok, ok, now I'm getting too obscure.
00:55:10: E-Mac, didn't anyone ever tell not to play with rattlesnakes?
00:56:32: They stop educating these droids at 15 so they won't have sex. Clearly, they never went to high school.
00:57:00: Dialogue fail: after seeing a motorcycle, "what's that?!" "I don't know...but I want one." And I want a fucking pony.
00:57:05: Epic dialogue sequence about dumping and cans and straight up booze.
00:58:06: Give me your number. "Two delta." OH SCARLET!! SO CUTIEEEEE!
00:59:31: Steve Buscemi's telling ScarJo and E-Dawg there's no Santa Claus. Or something.
01:00:14: Ohhhh, they're clones. That makes more sense than my creepy aliens from the sun theory.
01:01:49: They've got sponsors out in the real world. Eventually, we'll have that in common.
01:03:09: DJIMON HONOSOU = BORN TO TRACK DOWN ROGUE CLONES
01:04:07: So ScarJo and E-Boy are going to find their original copies. Seems like THAT'll end well.
01:06:22: Steve Buscemi tells them not to trust anyone. Bet they trust people and get screwed. OH NO! just shot at.
01:07:07: ScarJo running? Win.
01:08:30: E-Bunny and ScarJo get on a futuristic looking train. Are we in Japan?
01:10"06: Hover trains? Seems a little pretentious, even for California.
01:11:08: ScarJo sees her real self in a perfume ad. Awwwkward.
01:11:22: Wait, two ScarJo's? Not awk-ward. awk-some!
01:12:42: "We just got a facial hit on our fugitive." Oooo, sounds kinky.
01:14:11: Our heroes are arrested, but not by ROGUE CLONE HUNTER.
01:15:40: ROGUE CLONE HUNTER inadvertanely helps our heroes escape from the cops. LAPD fail.
01:17:49: Getting chased. I'll let you know what happens.
01:19:19: So many cars were destroyed since we last talked, I feel like I don't even know you anymore.
01:21;00: E-Gregor and ScarJo are on some futuristic hover motorcylce thing. Despite being a clone, E-Dawg has mastered the art of the probably easy-to-drive hover motorcycle. Now for only $24,000!
01:23:10: It's EPIC BEARD GUY from Bad Boys 2! Our heroes = fucked.
01:24:29: Literal scene: heroes feel off a building a landed in a net. Fine. A NET!
01:26:05: Awww, they're about to kill E-Dawg's friend. Good thing I've seen that actor on small-time commercials now.
01:28:08: Clones about to meet theyselves. I smell sitcommmmmmmmm.
01:28:11: I also smell like Seagrams 7.
01:29:20: Ewen meets Ewen and all the ladies swoon like it's Christmas in Jew-ly.
01:30:50: So the clones gain the abilities of their real guys. My clone would rule.
01:32:10: Real Ewen talks in Scottish and fake Ewen talks American. Talk about an ugly accent contest.
01:34:11: This is too weird to even remotely enjoy. Also, it's too stupid.
01:35:33: Real Ewen is turning them in. Motherfucker's gotta represent.
01:36:55: I'd let a clone drive my $500,000 car too. If I was SCOTTISH AND DUMB.
01:38:22: Ewen must escape from ROGUE CLONE HUNTER! And oh, is he manuevering through traffic like a drunk Scottish highlander.
01:40:12: Now both Ewen's are trying to convince ROGUE CLONE HUNTER that they are both the original.
01:41:04: Real dude, murdered. ROGUE CLONE HUNTER might want to find a new job.
01:42:56: E-Dawg kisses S-Jo. OMG SO JEALOUS!
01:43:21: "That tongue thing is amazing." Words men can only dream of saying to SJO. Oh, they just banged.
01:45:40: So they're gonna kill E-Dawgs entire line of clones. That's a bigger recall than Ford! BOO-YA CAR JOKE!
01:47:02: Here's the "We Can't Let Them Get Away With This Moment Accompained By Emotional Instrumenatal Music."
01:48:24: Just going around killing clones like it ain't a thang.
01:49:30: ScarJo gets captured purposely by ROGUE CLONE HUNTER. Interracial scene imminent.
01:50:30: E-Dawg posing as the real guy to get into the clone place. Clones intelligence > mine.
01:51:55: Some creepy guy gets in ScarJo's face about her kidneys. DON'T TAKE THAT GIRL!
01:53:10: ScarGregor meet up. Loveeee it.
01:54:31: ROGUE CLONE HUNTER seems broken up about this whole clone killing operation. NO! CHARACTER RUINED!
01:55:30: Sean Bean, you're last name and your acting are just things that make me fart.
01:56:49: Don't you wish the place you worked at had a hologram room? I'd be all up in their eerday.
01:58:10: Scarjo and ROGUE CLONE HUNTER are now a team to be reckoned with. ladies and gents, it doesn't get much better.
01:59:40: Fights and explosions. Too hard to tell what's really going on, but it's all good. Because you just know E-Dawg's gonna beat the Bean.
02:01:04: Explaining what just happened is impossible. The Bean is dead. Long live the Lima.
02:02:22: The clones all run away as ROGUE CLONE HUNTER walks through the light. So epic.
02:03:10: Whaddya get when you get a few thousand clones walking around aimlessly in the desert? Some pretty damn confused clones! BWAHAHAHHAHA! (That really wasn't funny though, was it?)
02:04:27: ScarJo and E-Baby sail away to a REAL island, presumably to have ultra-attractive looking kids. I'm talking EPIC HOTTNESS!
Fin.
There you have it. We come closer and closer to this emotionally and physically draining segment only known as the drunk michael bay review. With only the two Transformers movies left to go, I'll probably do the first one next week and wait til the other one comes out on Blu-Ray, which is hopefully never. Anyways, I hope at least YOU enjoy this uber-disastorous drunken rambling on shitty movies. But you know what? I actually didn't mind doing it to this one. Not to say that the movie was good by any means, but compared to Pearl Harbor, I'd give this an Oscar. Anyways....
ADIOS MUCHACHOS!
00:00:00: Today, I'll be drinking 7 & 7's cause that's really all I drink anymore. Whatever. Let's get this show on the proverbial road. (I could use proverbial in any sentence and you wouldn't know the proverbial difference. What a garbage word.)
00:01:00: The back of ScarJo's head is prettier than most girl's whole head.
00:02:35: To describe the scene I just saw would give me a seizure.
00:03:36: Ewen McGregor has a high sodium level. Must be all those soft pretzels. They are pretty yummy.
00:05:25: Big black dude won the lottery. Something tells me "going to the island" is like telling your 5 year old your dead dog ran away.
00:08:18: Where do I sign up for this place?
00:10:10: Anything hotter than ScarJo asking for 5 pieces of bacon? Not that I know of.
00:12:40: Is Ewen McGregor a good actor? I can never tell. Good looking cat though.
00:13:34: Preach on Ewen! Tofu night is for losers!
00:15:49: Synaptic brain scan does NOT sound harmless, guy who played the villain in Goldeneye.
00:17:14: "What are we doing here anyway?" Good question.
00:19:18: Lima One Alpha starts going into labor. Maybe her kids name will be Lima Beana Zeta.
00:21:06: Hey look! It's Steve Buscemi! Must be awesome to be Michael Bay's go-to-guy.
00:21:49: "You're a bad influence on me...must be why I like you." Pretty much all my friends have told me that at least once.
00:23:40: Ewen sees a butterfly and this, ladies and gentlemen, is an actual plot point.
00:25:03: So this island is for growing people? They stole my idea.
00:26:56: Creepy overview of exo-skeletens. Exactly what I want to watch when I'm pouring another drink.
00:28:01: Virtual kickboxing between ScarJo and E-Mac. I think he lets her win. Hell, who wouldn't?
00:29:29: I wish ScarJo could tell when I was lying...in her bed. ZING!
00:30:12: Residents have just discovered the word "Dude". Now they know 5% of my vocab.
00:31:10: ScarJo wins the island lottery and she gets a one-way ticket to paradise, death, or Michael Bay's living room.
00:33:43: Ewen's doing something but....uh....idk wtf's goin 2 happ.
00:34:55: E-Mac is playing doctor. Or scientist? He's the MASTTTTTER OF DISGUISE!
00:36:18: Lima Beana just gave birth and now they are killing her. Come on silly, I coulda told u that!
00:37:05: Ewen = horrified. Now they are giving the baby to some real couple. So this is an adoption agency? Lamest. Plot. Ever.
00:39:02: Words you don't wanna hear when you're getting surgery: "I don't want to have to euthanize this guy to get his liver." So now this is an organ transplant harvesting plant? Better than adoption agency, still ultra-lame.
00:41:25: Ewen's been caught snooping. You are, as they in China, about to be aborted.
00:41:55: Drinking is funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNnnnnnn.
00:43:01: E-Mac and ScarJo are escaping. THINK THEY'LL MAKE IT OMGZZ???
00:44:10: The cameraman is having a seizure, somebody call NINE ONE ONE! THE CAMERAMAN IS SEIZING ON THE GROUND FLOOR! OH OH OH!
00:45:47: If ScarJo saved my life, I'd thank her. Hard.
00:47:36: Still trying to escape. Is this gonna be the rest of the movie? There better be a sex scene or something.
00:49:25: So they were really just underground in the desert. Might be a bit of a hike out of there.
00:51:19: Black guy walking off a helicopter, much cooler than any white guy could ever hope to look walking out of helicopter.
00:54:24: Resting on the steps of a Mayan temple. Will they sing nonsense songs in 12 bars to the jaguars? Ok, ok, now I'm getting too obscure.
00:55:10: E-Mac, didn't anyone ever tell not to play with rattlesnakes?
00:56:32: They stop educating these droids at 15 so they won't have sex. Clearly, they never went to high school.
00:57:00: Dialogue fail: after seeing a motorcycle, "what's that?!" "I don't know...but I want one." And I want a fucking pony.
00:57:05: Epic dialogue sequence about dumping and cans and straight up booze.
00:58:06: Give me your number. "Two delta." OH SCARLET!! SO CUTIEEEEE!
00:59:31: Steve Buscemi's telling ScarJo and E-Dawg there's no Santa Claus. Or something.
01:00:14: Ohhhh, they're clones. That makes more sense than my creepy aliens from the sun theory.
01:01:49: They've got sponsors out in the real world. Eventually, we'll have that in common.
01:03:09: DJIMON HONOSOU = BORN TO TRACK DOWN ROGUE CLONES
01:04:07: So ScarJo and E-Boy are going to find their original copies. Seems like THAT'll end well.
01:06:22: Steve Buscemi tells them not to trust anyone. Bet they trust people and get screwed. OH NO! just shot at.
01:07:07: ScarJo running? Win.
01:08:30: E-Bunny and ScarJo get on a futuristic looking train. Are we in Japan?
01:10"06: Hover trains? Seems a little pretentious, even for California.
01:11:08: ScarJo sees her real self in a perfume ad. Awwwkward.
01:11:22: Wait, two ScarJo's? Not awk-ward. awk-some!
01:12:42: "We just got a facial hit on our fugitive." Oooo, sounds kinky.
01:14:11: Our heroes are arrested, but not by ROGUE CLONE HUNTER.
01:15:40: ROGUE CLONE HUNTER inadvertanely helps our heroes escape from the cops. LAPD fail.
01:17:49: Getting chased. I'll let you know what happens.
01:19:19: So many cars were destroyed since we last talked, I feel like I don't even know you anymore.
01:21;00: E-Gregor and ScarJo are on some futuristic hover motorcylce thing. Despite being a clone, E-Dawg has mastered the art of the probably easy-to-drive hover motorcycle. Now for only $24,000!
01:23:10: It's EPIC BEARD GUY from Bad Boys 2! Our heroes = fucked.
01:24:29: Literal scene: heroes feel off a building a landed in a net. Fine. A NET!
01:26:05: Awww, they're about to kill E-Dawg's friend. Good thing I've seen that actor on small-time commercials now.
01:28:08: Clones about to meet theyselves. I smell sitcommmmmmmmm.
01:28:11: I also smell like Seagrams 7.
01:29:20: Ewen meets Ewen and all the ladies swoon like it's Christmas in Jew-ly.
01:30:50: So the clones gain the abilities of their real guys. My clone would rule.
01:32:10: Real Ewen talks in Scottish and fake Ewen talks American. Talk about an ugly accent contest.
01:34:11: This is too weird to even remotely enjoy. Also, it's too stupid.
01:35:33: Real Ewen is turning them in. Motherfucker's gotta represent.
01:36:55: I'd let a clone drive my $500,000 car too. If I was SCOTTISH AND DUMB.
01:38:22: Ewen must escape from ROGUE CLONE HUNTER! And oh, is he manuevering through traffic like a drunk Scottish highlander.
01:40:12: Now both Ewen's are trying to convince ROGUE CLONE HUNTER that they are both the original.
01:41:04: Real dude, murdered. ROGUE CLONE HUNTER might want to find a new job.
01:42:56: E-Dawg kisses S-Jo. OMG SO JEALOUS!
01:43:21: "That tongue thing is amazing." Words men can only dream of saying to SJO. Oh, they just banged.
01:45:40: So they're gonna kill E-Dawgs entire line of clones. That's a bigger recall than Ford! BOO-YA CAR JOKE!
01:47:02: Here's the "We Can't Let Them Get Away With This Moment Accompained By Emotional Instrumenatal Music."
01:48:24: Just going around killing clones like it ain't a thang.
01:49:30: ScarJo gets captured purposely by ROGUE CLONE HUNTER. Interracial scene imminent.
01:50:30: E-Dawg posing as the real guy to get into the clone place. Clones intelligence > mine.
01:51:55: Some creepy guy gets in ScarJo's face about her kidneys. DON'T TAKE THAT GIRL!
01:53:10: ScarGregor meet up. Loveeee it.
01:54:31: ROGUE CLONE HUNTER seems broken up about this whole clone killing operation. NO! CHARACTER RUINED!
01:55:30: Sean Bean, you're last name and your acting are just things that make me fart.
01:56:49: Don't you wish the place you worked at had a hologram room? I'd be all up in their eerday.
01:58:10: Scarjo and ROGUE CLONE HUNTER are now a team to be reckoned with. ladies and gents, it doesn't get much better.
01:59:40: Fights and explosions. Too hard to tell what's really going on, but it's all good. Because you just know E-Dawg's gonna beat the Bean.
02:01:04: Explaining what just happened is impossible. The Bean is dead. Long live the Lima.
02:02:22: The clones all run away as ROGUE CLONE HUNTER walks through the light. So epic.
02:03:10: Whaddya get when you get a few thousand clones walking around aimlessly in the desert? Some pretty damn confused clones! BWAHAHAHHAHA! (That really wasn't funny though, was it?)
02:04:27: ScarJo and E-Baby sail away to a REAL island, presumably to have ultra-attractive looking kids. I'm talking EPIC HOTTNESS!
Fin.
There you have it. We come closer and closer to this emotionally and physically draining segment only known as the drunk michael bay review. With only the two Transformers movies left to go, I'll probably do the first one next week and wait til the other one comes out on Blu-Ray, which is hopefully never. Anyways, I hope at least YOU enjoy this uber-disastorous drunken rambling on shitty movies. But you know what? I actually didn't mind doing it to this one. Not to say that the movie was good by any means, but compared to Pearl Harbor, I'd give this an Oscar. Anyways....
ADIOS MUCHACHOS!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Drunk Idea: Sex Fantasy Baseball
Oh yeah. You read the title. What would be your starting lineup for "Sex Fantasy Baseball"? Let's examine mine. Because I know you're all dying to know. If you complain that this has nothing to do with booze, leave now please.
Catcher: Cheerleader
Team Role: The cheerleader is flexible. So she can crouch down and grab those balls in the dirt. She may not be a great hitter, but she can get it down when she's on the defensive. With cheer experience, she'll have no problem calling pitches. She doesn't mind being the catcher in the pitcher/catcher dynamic, because she is so flexible and can get down and dirty when she needs to. With that flexibility, she can be moved to many different positions.
First Base: Police Officer
Team Role: The Police Office has power and she knows how to use the stick. All those tricky hard-hit balls that would normally handcuff mediocre defenders, she's used to them. She's in control of the infield and commands respects. She's got great hands and knows hot use them. Rarely does she let balls get by her. She may not be nice, but at the end of the day, you'd want her on the member of your team.
Second Base: Schoolgirl
Team Role: The school girl is short but always makes good contact. She doesn't have a great arm, but is efficient enough. She might not be on the top of your lineup, but she's always dependable. She's young but desperate to learn from the more seasoned players. She tries her hardest and always, always hustles up and down, no matter the situation. She's even better when she's on top (of the lineup, that is). Make no mistake, this person will not stand out, but you'll never regret squeezing her in there.
Shortstop: Dominatrix
Team Role: The shortstop needs to be in control and the dominatrix owns the situation. Call her off? She'll come at you harder. She swings and hits it hard, sometimes too hard. You can feel her precense, even after she's gone. She can really flash the leather and makes great plays on balls. Not afraid to get in your face if she doesn't like what you're doing. It doesn't get much more intense than the dominatrix. Not afraid of getting dirty and dealing with a little pain if she has to, as long as she gets the job done.
Third Baseman: Maid
Team Role: At the hot corner, you need someone to clean up alot of messes and nobody does it better than the maid. She can pick it and get down on her knees if she has to get to real tough messes. She can dust off almost any mistake. When the temperature gets turned up, she's great at keeping things hard on her opponent. Great power hitter, since she has experience mopping the floor after sticky spills around her. Fun clubhouse presence, bringing in brooms for sweeps and really finding creative ways to use the handle, if in a tough area.
Left Fielder: Historical Figure
Team Role: Whether it be Cleopatra or Marie Antoinette, the historical figure doesn't know much about the game but is great at it. Their experience always comes in handy. She's never had to practice or learn new techniques, she's just a natural. She'll take care of the opponent, no matter how big and scary it is. Is known for being arrogant and cocky, letting her ego get the best of her sometimes. She's depraved but everyone loves her. Has a great eye at the plate and really has a tight power stroke. When it's time to finish, she'll spit in your face just to let you know she's won.
Center Fielder: Nurse
Team Role: The nurse always makes great reads and that's why she's in center. Always gets it through those tight holes. If you catch a cold, she can always find a solution to get you hot again. Fights through sickness to give it their all. The fans adore her and she can always ride the team to victory. Even the most cancerous team member respects and knows he should treat her right. She doesn't talk a big game but she flat-out gets it done. She's the glue that makes them stick together. At least, I think that's glue.
Right Fielder: Movie Character
Team Role: No matter the character, no matter the movie, the right fielder is the most hot and cold player on the team. She could be good, could be bad. you never know what to expect from her and sometimes that's a great thing. Is a slave to practice and does it early and often. Everything she does is erratic, from her throwing arm to her journey from 1st to 3rd base. You can forget about her for a long time, but when she gets it going there's rarely a better sight.
Starting Pitcher: Nun
Team Role: The nun is the teams anchor. She always keeps her emotions behind the vail and has a mean screwball. Isn't afraid to use a little spit. Gets on her knees when every batter is finished. Is deeply humble but not afraid to get after it. Her grip and delivery isn't the greatest but it gets the job done. Knows how to twist her hips throughout her motion. Can take a little off if she's going for a quick at bat. Don't be fooled by her appearance, she WORKS IT on the mound
Closer: Celebrity
Team Role: When there's nobody else to depend on, you just have to go to the celebrity to finish it off. Angelina Jolie? Jessica Alba? Samantha Ronson (i mean, to each their own)? It really doesn't matter because she's gonna get you off (the hook). Bring her in when you want to get out of a jam and she can definitely work through the situation with force. She's got a ton of flair and passion for the game and it shows when she's performing. Will speak openly about how good they are, but are humble around the biggest members in their life.
Plus, she's good at sex.
What's your sex fantasy baseball lineup? Now that you've read mine, I'm sure you think much less of me as a person. But there's nothing wrong with a little depravity now and then. I have many more drunk ideas, so I think we can keep going with this segment! Yeah? YEAH! I'll be back sometime this week with my next Drunk Michael Bay review. Until then, have a good week and aur revoir, mes amours!
Catcher: Cheerleader
Team Role: The cheerleader is flexible. So she can crouch down and grab those balls in the dirt. She may not be a great hitter, but she can get it down when she's on the defensive. With cheer experience, she'll have no problem calling pitches. She doesn't mind being the catcher in the pitcher/catcher dynamic, because she is so flexible and can get down and dirty when she needs to. With that flexibility, she can be moved to many different positions.
First Base: Police Officer
Team Role: The Police Office has power and she knows how to use the stick. All those tricky hard-hit balls that would normally handcuff mediocre defenders, she's used to them. She's in control of the infield and commands respects. She's got great hands and knows hot use them. Rarely does she let balls get by her. She may not be nice, but at the end of the day, you'd want her on the member of your team.
Second Base: Schoolgirl
Team Role: The school girl is short but always makes good contact. She doesn't have a great arm, but is efficient enough. She might not be on the top of your lineup, but she's always dependable. She's young but desperate to learn from the more seasoned players. She tries her hardest and always, always hustles up and down, no matter the situation. She's even better when she's on top (of the lineup, that is). Make no mistake, this person will not stand out, but you'll never regret squeezing her in there.
Shortstop: Dominatrix
Team Role: The shortstop needs to be in control and the dominatrix owns the situation. Call her off? She'll come at you harder. She swings and hits it hard, sometimes too hard. You can feel her precense, even after she's gone. She can really flash the leather and makes great plays on balls. Not afraid to get in your face if she doesn't like what you're doing. It doesn't get much more intense than the dominatrix. Not afraid of getting dirty and dealing with a little pain if she has to, as long as she gets the job done.
Third Baseman: Maid
Team Role: At the hot corner, you need someone to clean up alot of messes and nobody does it better than the maid. She can pick it and get down on her knees if she has to get to real tough messes. She can dust off almost any mistake. When the temperature gets turned up, she's great at keeping things hard on her opponent. Great power hitter, since she has experience mopping the floor after sticky spills around her. Fun clubhouse presence, bringing in brooms for sweeps and really finding creative ways to use the handle, if in a tough area.
Left Fielder: Historical Figure
Team Role: Whether it be Cleopatra or Marie Antoinette, the historical figure doesn't know much about the game but is great at it. Their experience always comes in handy. She's never had to practice or learn new techniques, she's just a natural. She'll take care of the opponent, no matter how big and scary it is. Is known for being arrogant and cocky, letting her ego get the best of her sometimes. She's depraved but everyone loves her. Has a great eye at the plate and really has a tight power stroke. When it's time to finish, she'll spit in your face just to let you know she's won.
Center Fielder: Nurse
Team Role: The nurse always makes great reads and that's why she's in center. Always gets it through those tight holes. If you catch a cold, she can always find a solution to get you hot again. Fights through sickness to give it their all. The fans adore her and she can always ride the team to victory. Even the most cancerous team member respects and knows he should treat her right. She doesn't talk a big game but she flat-out gets it done. She's the glue that makes them stick together. At least, I think that's glue.
Right Fielder: Movie Character
Team Role: No matter the character, no matter the movie, the right fielder is the most hot and cold player on the team. She could be good, could be bad. you never know what to expect from her and sometimes that's a great thing. Is a slave to practice and does it early and often. Everything she does is erratic, from her throwing arm to her journey from 1st to 3rd base. You can forget about her for a long time, but when she gets it going there's rarely a better sight.
Starting Pitcher: Nun
Team Role: The nun is the teams anchor. She always keeps her emotions behind the vail and has a mean screwball. Isn't afraid to use a little spit. Gets on her knees when every batter is finished. Is deeply humble but not afraid to get after it. Her grip and delivery isn't the greatest but it gets the job done. Knows how to twist her hips throughout her motion. Can take a little off if she's going for a quick at bat. Don't be fooled by her appearance, she WORKS IT on the mound
Closer: Celebrity
Team Role: When there's nobody else to depend on, you just have to go to the celebrity to finish it off. Angelina Jolie? Jessica Alba? Samantha Ronson (i mean, to each their own)? It really doesn't matter because she's gonna get you off (the hook). Bring her in when you want to get out of a jam and she can definitely work through the situation with force. She's got a ton of flair and passion for the game and it shows when she's performing. Will speak openly about how good they are, but are humble around the biggest members in their life.
Plus, she's good at sex.
What's your sex fantasy baseball lineup? Now that you've read mine, I'm sure you think much less of me as a person. But there's nothing wrong with a little depravity now and then. I have many more drunk ideas, so I think we can keep going with this segment! Yeah? YEAH! I'll be back sometime this week with my next Drunk Michael Bay review. Until then, have a good week and aur revoir, mes amours!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Fake Interview With: Drunk Jesus
I think we can all agree on one thing (at least): drunk people are funny. Usually at least. Celebrities? Even funnier. If you've been around the blog since its inception a few years ago, you may remember a fake interview segment. Well, it's back in all it's drunken glory. And who better to reboot it with than Jesus, the Son of God!
Mike: Hey there readers! I'm here with a special guest, Jesus H. Christ!
(crickets)
Mike: Ehem, right. Let's get this interview started. Jesus has had a few bottles of wine, but any interview with a part of the trinity is fine by me! Now Jesus. Do you blame Jewish people for your death?
Jesus: Hell no. You know who I blashpemin blame? Mary Magdelene wouldn't put out! And she was a g-darned ho! Like something you'd see in a Flo Rida vid.
Mike: Wasn't Mary Magdelene you're aunt or something?
Jesus: Ahhh it didn't matter back then. Moms used to bang their kids if they were virgins at 18 to make sure they got laid. Not mine though. I was like, Mom, I'm a carpenter and my wood needs some sandin'. Knowwhatimean?
Mike: Uhhh let's move on to a slightly less obscene and disgusting topic. What did you think of the depiction of you in The Passion of the Christ?
Jesus: That Clavizelel guy sucks. He'll get into heaven like Twilights on my must-see list!
Mike: What's heaven like, J-man?
Jesus: Imagine Vegas with no STD's and free drinks. Last week I just partied with Sinatra and Mama T. That's what we call Mother Theresa. Homegirl can party.
Mike: Nice, nice. If Jesus had a favorite band, what would it be?
Jesus: You kiddin'? Why you think I just killed DJ AM? I needed a new guy for the Halo Club. Get this: Wet t-shirt contests with Kristal and dead Playboy bunnies. Boo-ya, up top my man!
Mike: Is the internet making the world a more sinful place?
Jesus: Hell nah, LOLcatz are the shiz. I just watched Charlie bit my finger. Hi-lar-ious. Nearly crapped my robe.
Mike: Right. That brings me to an important question that everyone needs to know the answer to. Is masturbating a sin?
Jesus: Jesus man! I can't be giving up the G-Baby's secrets! But I will tell you this: it's a sin to be not out getting on all that fine pussy down there. Christ in heaven!
Mike: But not everyone was lucky enough to be born Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.
Jesus: Nigga, please! There's no ugly people, only people who don't take care of they selves! Take a lesson from my main man Barney Stinson. Boy be mackin all the hoes in the TWO ONE TWO!
Mike: Barney Stinson? Isn't that just Neil Patrick Harris' name on How I Met Your Mother? And isn't he gay in reality?
Jesus: You be blasphemin!
Mike: I would never, Mr. Christ. Let's move on though. Is premarital sex and not using a condom really a sin? Because, I mean, it just feels so much better.
Jesus: I hear that. It's your tool. G-Babes or me don't care if you use or wrap it! That's what it's there for!
Mike: Phwew. I think that's a smooth transition to my next question. What's your favorite song from a Disney movie?
Jesus: You know, bitches always be saying that one Alladin song. But not the Jesus! Oh no, I be rockin' out to Kiss the Girl from the Little Mermaid. Catchy. As. FUCK! Ya feel the son of God or what, huh?
Mike: Indeed. Onto my last and most important question. Will I ever get to have a threesome?
Jesus: OH INDEEEEEEEEED! Not only that, but it'll be soon and both will have big-ass titties! I always hook up my homeboys. HALO THUGZ FOR LIFE!
(High Five)
Mike: Well, we're all out of time here at FIW. Thanks to my guest, Jesus the son of God. Tune in next time. Until then my and J-Money gonna get schwasted! Later Haters!
Mike: Hey there readers! I'm here with a special guest, Jesus H. Christ!
(crickets)
Mike: Ehem, right. Let's get this interview started. Jesus has had a few bottles of wine, but any interview with a part of the trinity is fine by me! Now Jesus. Do you blame Jewish people for your death?
Jesus: Hell no. You know who I blashpemin blame? Mary Magdelene wouldn't put out! And she was a g-darned ho! Like something you'd see in a Flo Rida vid.
Mike: Wasn't Mary Magdelene you're aunt or something?
Jesus: Ahhh it didn't matter back then. Moms used to bang their kids if they were virgins at 18 to make sure they got laid. Not mine though. I was like, Mom, I'm a carpenter and my wood needs some sandin'. Knowwhatimean?
Mike: Uhhh let's move on to a slightly less obscene and disgusting topic. What did you think of the depiction of you in The Passion of the Christ?
Jesus: That Clavizelel guy sucks. He'll get into heaven like Twilights on my must-see list!
Mike: What's heaven like, J-man?
Jesus: Imagine Vegas with no STD's and free drinks. Last week I just partied with Sinatra and Mama T. That's what we call Mother Theresa. Homegirl can party.
Mike: Nice, nice. If Jesus had a favorite band, what would it be?
Jesus: You kiddin'? Why you think I just killed DJ AM? I needed a new guy for the Halo Club. Get this: Wet t-shirt contests with Kristal and dead Playboy bunnies. Boo-ya, up top my man!
Mike: Is the internet making the world a more sinful place?
Jesus: Hell nah, LOLcatz are the shiz. I just watched Charlie bit my finger. Hi-lar-ious. Nearly crapped my robe.
Mike: Right. That brings me to an important question that everyone needs to know the answer to. Is masturbating a sin?
Jesus: Jesus man! I can't be giving up the G-Baby's secrets! But I will tell you this: it's a sin to be not out getting on all that fine pussy down there. Christ in heaven!
Mike: But not everyone was lucky enough to be born Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.
Jesus: Nigga, please! There's no ugly people, only people who don't take care of they selves! Take a lesson from my main man Barney Stinson. Boy be mackin all the hoes in the TWO ONE TWO!
Mike: Barney Stinson? Isn't that just Neil Patrick Harris' name on How I Met Your Mother? And isn't he gay in reality?
Jesus: You be blasphemin!
Mike: I would never, Mr. Christ. Let's move on though. Is premarital sex and not using a condom really a sin? Because, I mean, it just feels so much better.
Jesus: I hear that. It's your tool. G-Babes or me don't care if you use or wrap it! That's what it's there for!
Mike: Phwew. I think that's a smooth transition to my next question. What's your favorite song from a Disney movie?
Jesus: You know, bitches always be saying that one Alladin song. But not the Jesus! Oh no, I be rockin' out to Kiss the Girl from the Little Mermaid. Catchy. As. FUCK! Ya feel the son of God or what, huh?
Mike: Indeed. Onto my last and most important question. Will I ever get to have a threesome?
Jesus: OH INDEEEEEEEEED! Not only that, but it'll be soon and both will have big-ass titties! I always hook up my homeboys. HALO THUGZ FOR LIFE!
(High Five)
Mike: Well, we're all out of time here at FIW. Thanks to my guest, Jesus the son of God. Tune in next time. Until then my and J-Money gonna get schwasted! Later Haters!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Yes, I Know You're Brazilian and Hotter Than Me But I'm Gonna Flirt til You Tell Me to Go Away and Alternative Explanations to Confused Sentences
STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING! Why, you ask? Because it's a new version of THE mailbag. Welcome to the month of September, where it'll start to get cold and ugly outside. Well, I'll tell you something: it's gonna stay hot and super attractive here at the blog. And there's no way better to warm you up than answer fake questions from real readers. Or is it the other way around? I just don't know anymore! In the words of Sir Lady Gaga, Let's Dance! The Mailbag Today, the trending topic will be drinking. Don't act shocked. The blog's devoted to alcohol.
Q: How many days a week do you need to drink to be consider an actual alcoholic?
--T. Brady, Boston, MA.
A: You can drink every day and not be an alcoholic. It's just how MUCH you drink everyday. See, normal members of society have this thing called "moderation." If you can limit yourself to one/two beers, one glass of wine, or one cocktail a day, then you aren't an alcoholic. But if you get drunk everyday, then you might need to get your name on the liver transplant list. Nothing wrong with being pre-emptive.
Q: How cool does your full name have to be to call you by your full name instead of just your first or last name?
--C. Handler, Los Angeles, CA.
A: My name, Michael Dolan, is pretty damn good. Names with short last names are the best for this. Usually, I just shorten first names and that's your nickname from me. (Yeah, I can abbreviate any name. Try me. Sam, you ask? "What up, S?" Boom. Roasted.)
Q: If you could get drunk with one athlete, who would it be and why? Also, what if the offer was only good for a night before a huge game for that team?
--L. Meester, Gossip City, AL
A: If anyone from Chicago or Denver doesn't say Kyle Orton, then they are either lame or lying. Google image search "kyle orton drunk" and tell me you disagree. There's just no way I'd pass up the opportunity. And yeah, even if it could only be the night before a big game, I still would. You know why? Because I bet he plays better hungover anyway.
Q: If you were drunk and had to hear one song on repeat for an entire night, what would it be?
--S. Breaston, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Wow. A fine question, but a tough one. Since I'd be drunk it would need to pump you up. It would also need to be catchy and have a ton of awesome, repeatable lyrics so you can come in at certain parts of the song throughout the night. That's why I'm going with "Saturday Night" by Lucky Boys Confusion. I've heard this song for a decade and I'm not sick of it, so I don't think one night of it would be too damn bad.
Q: Please explain to me how you are still alive.
--Y. Ming, Beijing, CH.
A: It's simple: even though I admittedly have a few really bad habits and past habits, I do work very hard at keeping myself in shape through an excessive amount of running. Also, I really only eat two meals a day and always try and keep one of those meals extremely health-conscious. So don't think I'm all fun and games. Just mostly.
Q: So I had an idea for a reality TV show. Get a camera and follow drunk people around. Call it "Drunk." Why is this not a show yet?
--D. Lee Roth, Somewhere.
A: How this is not a show, I do not know. You could even just have one single bar and call the show "Barroom Stories". If people are drunk and know they're on camera, well they would pretty much do anything. Take "Girls Gone Wild" for example. The only problem is, there are a lot of lame people that also drink. But you have an idea there. Let's run with it.
Q: What if, in some bizarre parallel universe, the last 3 girls you drunkenly kissed all had the same initials? BTW you missed your meeting the other day.
--Alcoholics Anonymous, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: True story. This is a current, ongoing situation that is starting to become a little weird in my life. The last three girls that I've actually liked have all had the same initials. I'm not sure how to react to it anymore. One more though and I'm probably gonna freak out.
Q: What is the absolute best drunk food? To contrast, is eating drunk better than eating high? Also, is music better drunk or high?
--G. Busey, Hollywood, CA.
A: Let me tell you something: besides sex on a few drugs, there is nothing better in the world than eating high. Nothing. It's half the reason I was a pothead for so long. As for music, it depends what kind of music. I mean rap music is awesome when you're drunk but it sucks ass when you're high. That's a matter of opinion. As for the best drunk food? Edible panties. Boom.
Q: Are there any social drinking situations where it's okay to call a girl a "c*nt" or a black person a "n*gg*r"?
--N. Patrick Harris, Cooler-than-youville, USA.
A: Assuming you are white, there is no social situation where it's socially acceptable to call a black person the "n" word. As for calling a girl a cunt, I think if a girl does something really bitchy thing like pouring her drink on you for no reason or kicking you in the balls with a backward heel kick, I think that's fine. I don't think there's a particular word that would offend me personally just from being called it. I guess the closest word would have to be "spudfucker" because I am not a fucker and just because I like potatoes, doesn't mean you can make fun of my people's major famine. That was like the Holocaust to the Irish. Besides, who the hell doesn't like potatoes? Communists?
Q: Say you've got a bottle of Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Skol. Pour them all in a punch bowl. Add a bottle of lime juice. Now say you started drinking at 9 PM. How long before you get arrested?
--L. David, Hollywood, CA.
A: I'd say if you have 4 full cups of that in 2 hours then went out, you'd be arrested by 11:30pm. What in God's name would posses you to try something so perverse? (writes down recipe)
Q: Say you're drinking with the guys, headed to the Bears game. Is there any situation where it's acceptable for one of said friends were to say "By the way, I invited my girlfriend."? Should he be ostracized immediately?
--O. Bloom, Auckland, New Zealand.
A: There are a few acceptable situations for this:
1. They are his tickets.
2. He hasn't had sex with her yet and really really wants to.
3. The girl is really, really cool and knows the general idea of football.
4. She offers to pay for beer.
Q: I love your 10 rules for sex for women. Give me more, please.
--E. Szempinski, Mt. Prospect, IL.
A: I mean, if you insist fake question asker:
1. You on top in the morning is awesome and is a great substitute for coffee.
2. Involving food with sex? Yes.
3. Handjobs in public are not only advisable, but recommended.
4. Using your hand without any lubrication does NOT count as foreplay in the least bit.
5. I mean, I don't pay for dinner to get a hug....
6. If you call me the wrong name during and I want to leave after, you don't get to complain.
7. Don't yell out "fuck me." What the hell do you think I'm doing already?
8. Don't make fun of my fantasies for being too weird or too elaborate. Because if you fulfill them, I'll do anything (outside the bedroom, I mean) that you want. Even go to the opera.
9. Don't tell a guy you won't have an abortion by a stairwell. Just saying.
10. Sex is not love. Please, don't confuse those two.
Q: Give me 4 reasons why I shouldn't call this girl the next day after meeting her at a bar.
--Q. Richardson, New York, NY.
A: Getting a bit sick of these lists but let's educate your fine self.
1. You don't want to seem too overanxious.
2. The girl may be just as excited as you. The longer you wait, the anticipation builds. More anticipation = More payoff (no, i don't mean sex, you horndogs)
3. Obviously, you can't wait too long to call though. Showing you're patient enough is a plus.
4. Desperation reeks from a mile away.
Q: Do you make "the girls go bad"? Is it true that if you don't "use it, you lose it"? Do you know "somewhere over the rainbow"? Have you ever had "sex in the backseat of your car"? What is your "go-to drink"? Why am I "putting everything in quotes"?
--A. Griffin, New Haven, CT.
A: Not very often, but on occasion the girls go bad for me. Not true. Wrigleyville. Yes. 7 & 7. You're a tool or senile.
Q: What's the most boring thing to do while drunk?
--G. Clooney, Hollywood, CA.
A: Read or study. Also, learning a foreign language. Try and conjugate after 6 shots of Cuervo.
Q: Alcohol doesn't show up in drug tests, does it?
--D. Hester, Chicago, IL.
A: Does Sprite? What about Apple Juice? Maybe Kool-aid? No, you moron. Alcohol only shows up on drug tests immediately after you take it. And by drug tests I mean breathalysers. Stick to those punt returns.
Q: Just had anal sex on an airplane...with the stewardess...after she gave me four free vodka tonics. Beat that, why don't ya?
--B. Bonds, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Once again, I'm forced to beat an awesome story with one of my own. Hear it goes: Once I hooked up with a girl at a bar. Went home with her, blah blah blah. Long story short: the girl was black out drunk and we had sex and I never called her. Not because I'm an asshole, but because she wouldn't even have remembered. And she was annoying. Anyways, the next time I saw her she was drunk again, remembered who I was and called me a douchebag the whole night. Long story short again, the same thing happened. I mean, I guess that doesn't beat having sex on a plane with a stewardess but I don't have many great sex stories. But touche.
Q: So life didn't give me lemons. Or limes. Or any fruit for that matter. What is the fruitiest fruit to put in a drink? What's the coolest?
--L. Bass, Eugene, OR.
A: The fruittiest fruit to put in a drink is banana. I mean, if you're a guy and you have a banana in your drink, there's a good chance you'll be eating something similar in your mouth later. As for the coolest, well by default I guess it would have to be raspberries (why is there a p in that word?) just because I like the way the look in punches. Yes, punch. Don't be hatin'.
Q: Do you enjoy being an alcoholic blog writer/amateur writer/restaurant worker?
--S. William Scott, Santa Fe, NM.
A: Making fun of me is irrelevant because I'm in a very happy place. I'm working two part time jobs, have a pretty good personal life going, and although my writing career isn't exactly taking off, I'm having a pretty good time doing it. So to recap, working, fun, and satisfying. Also, if you're gonna call me an alcoholic can you at least call me a "functional alcoholic"? I feel like, at least I'm not sitting around drinking all day. Just at night.
(Alcoholism isn't funny kids! I in no way support it in case any future employers, female interests, or extended family members are currently reading this!)
That's it for the September bag of mail. I hope you enjoyed the discussions on confused sentences as much as I did. I will leave with an important piece of information: Pasta? A bit overrated in my opinion. That'll do it, adios muchachos!
Q: How many days a week do you need to drink to be consider an actual alcoholic?
--T. Brady, Boston, MA.
A: You can drink every day and not be an alcoholic. It's just how MUCH you drink everyday. See, normal members of society have this thing called "moderation." If you can limit yourself to one/two beers, one glass of wine, or one cocktail a day, then you aren't an alcoholic. But if you get drunk everyday, then you might need to get your name on the liver transplant list. Nothing wrong with being pre-emptive.
Q: How cool does your full name have to be to call you by your full name instead of just your first or last name?
--C. Handler, Los Angeles, CA.
A: My name, Michael Dolan, is pretty damn good. Names with short last names are the best for this. Usually, I just shorten first names and that's your nickname from me. (Yeah, I can abbreviate any name. Try me. Sam, you ask? "What up, S?" Boom. Roasted.)
Q: If you could get drunk with one athlete, who would it be and why? Also, what if the offer was only good for a night before a huge game for that team?
--L. Meester, Gossip City, AL
A: If anyone from Chicago or Denver doesn't say Kyle Orton, then they are either lame or lying. Google image search "kyle orton drunk" and tell me you disagree. There's just no way I'd pass up the opportunity. And yeah, even if it could only be the night before a big game, I still would. You know why? Because I bet he plays better hungover anyway.
Q: If you were drunk and had to hear one song on repeat for an entire night, what would it be?
--S. Breaston, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Wow. A fine question, but a tough one. Since I'd be drunk it would need to pump you up. It would also need to be catchy and have a ton of awesome, repeatable lyrics so you can come in at certain parts of the song throughout the night. That's why I'm going with "Saturday Night" by Lucky Boys Confusion. I've heard this song for a decade and I'm not sick of it, so I don't think one night of it would be too damn bad.
Q: Please explain to me how you are still alive.
--Y. Ming, Beijing, CH.
A: It's simple: even though I admittedly have a few really bad habits and past habits, I do work very hard at keeping myself in shape through an excessive amount of running. Also, I really only eat two meals a day and always try and keep one of those meals extremely health-conscious. So don't think I'm all fun and games. Just mostly.
Q: So I had an idea for a reality TV show. Get a camera and follow drunk people around. Call it "Drunk." Why is this not a show yet?
--D. Lee Roth, Somewhere.
A: How this is not a show, I do not know. You could even just have one single bar and call the show "Barroom Stories". If people are drunk and know they're on camera, well they would pretty much do anything. Take "Girls Gone Wild" for example. The only problem is, there are a lot of lame people that also drink. But you have an idea there. Let's run with it.
Q: What if, in some bizarre parallel universe, the last 3 girls you drunkenly kissed all had the same initials? BTW you missed your meeting the other day.
--Alcoholics Anonymous, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: True story. This is a current, ongoing situation that is starting to become a little weird in my life. The last three girls that I've actually liked have all had the same initials. I'm not sure how to react to it anymore. One more though and I'm probably gonna freak out.
Q: What is the absolute best drunk food? To contrast, is eating drunk better than eating high? Also, is music better drunk or high?
--G. Busey, Hollywood, CA.
A: Let me tell you something: besides sex on a few drugs, there is nothing better in the world than eating high. Nothing. It's half the reason I was a pothead for so long. As for music, it depends what kind of music. I mean rap music is awesome when you're drunk but it sucks ass when you're high. That's a matter of opinion. As for the best drunk food? Edible panties. Boom.
Q: Are there any social drinking situations where it's okay to call a girl a "c*nt" or a black person a "n*gg*r"?
--N. Patrick Harris, Cooler-than-youville, USA.
A: Assuming you are white, there is no social situation where it's socially acceptable to call a black person the "n" word. As for calling a girl a cunt, I think if a girl does something really bitchy thing like pouring her drink on you for no reason or kicking you in the balls with a backward heel kick, I think that's fine. I don't think there's a particular word that would offend me personally just from being called it. I guess the closest word would have to be "spudfucker" because I am not a fucker and just because I like potatoes, doesn't mean you can make fun of my people's major famine. That was like the Holocaust to the Irish. Besides, who the hell doesn't like potatoes? Communists?
Q: Say you've got a bottle of Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Skol. Pour them all in a punch bowl. Add a bottle of lime juice. Now say you started drinking at 9 PM. How long before you get arrested?
--L. David, Hollywood, CA.
A: I'd say if you have 4 full cups of that in 2 hours then went out, you'd be arrested by 11:30pm. What in God's name would posses you to try something so perverse? (writes down recipe)
Q: Say you're drinking with the guys, headed to the Bears game. Is there any situation where it's acceptable for one of said friends were to say "By the way, I invited my girlfriend."? Should he be ostracized immediately?
--O. Bloom, Auckland, New Zealand.
A: There are a few acceptable situations for this:
1. They are his tickets.
2. He hasn't had sex with her yet and really really wants to.
3. The girl is really, really cool and knows the general idea of football.
4. She offers to pay for beer.
Q: I love your 10 rules for sex for women. Give me more, please.
--E. Szempinski, Mt. Prospect, IL.
A: I mean, if you insist fake question asker:
1. You on top in the morning is awesome and is a great substitute for coffee.
2. Involving food with sex? Yes.
3. Handjobs in public are not only advisable, but recommended.
4. Using your hand without any lubrication does NOT count as foreplay in the least bit.
5. I mean, I don't pay for dinner to get a hug....
6. If you call me the wrong name during and I want to leave after, you don't get to complain.
7. Don't yell out "fuck me." What the hell do you think I'm doing already?
8. Don't make fun of my fantasies for being too weird or too elaborate. Because if you fulfill them, I'll do anything (outside the bedroom, I mean) that you want. Even go to the opera.
9. Don't tell a guy you won't have an abortion by a stairwell. Just saying.
10. Sex is not love. Please, don't confuse those two.
Q: Give me 4 reasons why I shouldn't call this girl the next day after meeting her at a bar.
--Q. Richardson, New York, NY.
A: Getting a bit sick of these lists but let's educate your fine self.
1. You don't want to seem too overanxious.
2. The girl may be just as excited as you. The longer you wait, the anticipation builds. More anticipation = More payoff (no, i don't mean sex, you horndogs)
3. Obviously, you can't wait too long to call though. Showing you're patient enough is a plus.
4. Desperation reeks from a mile away.
Q: Do you make "the girls go bad"? Is it true that if you don't "use it, you lose it"? Do you know "somewhere over the rainbow"? Have you ever had "sex in the backseat of your car"? What is your "go-to drink"? Why am I "putting everything in quotes"?
--A. Griffin, New Haven, CT.
A: Not very often, but on occasion the girls go bad for me. Not true. Wrigleyville. Yes. 7 & 7. You're a tool or senile.
Q: What's the most boring thing to do while drunk?
--G. Clooney, Hollywood, CA.
A: Read or study. Also, learning a foreign language. Try and conjugate after 6 shots of Cuervo.
Q: Alcohol doesn't show up in drug tests, does it?
--D. Hester, Chicago, IL.
A: Does Sprite? What about Apple Juice? Maybe Kool-aid? No, you moron. Alcohol only shows up on drug tests immediately after you take it. And by drug tests I mean breathalysers. Stick to those punt returns.
Q: Just had anal sex on an airplane...with the stewardess...after she gave me four free vodka tonics. Beat that, why don't ya?
--B. Bonds, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Once again, I'm forced to beat an awesome story with one of my own. Hear it goes: Once I hooked up with a girl at a bar. Went home with her, blah blah blah. Long story short: the girl was black out drunk and we had sex and I never called her. Not because I'm an asshole, but because she wouldn't even have remembered. And she was annoying. Anyways, the next time I saw her she was drunk again, remembered who I was and called me a douchebag the whole night. Long story short again, the same thing happened. I mean, I guess that doesn't beat having sex on a plane with a stewardess but I don't have many great sex stories. But touche.
Q: So life didn't give me lemons. Or limes. Or any fruit for that matter. What is the fruitiest fruit to put in a drink? What's the coolest?
--L. Bass, Eugene, OR.
A: The fruittiest fruit to put in a drink is banana. I mean, if you're a guy and you have a banana in your drink, there's a good chance you'll be eating something similar in your mouth later. As for the coolest, well by default I guess it would have to be raspberries (why is there a p in that word?) just because I like the way the look in punches. Yes, punch. Don't be hatin'.
Q: Do you enjoy being an alcoholic blog writer/amateur writer/restaurant worker?
--S. William Scott, Santa Fe, NM.
A: Making fun of me is irrelevant because I'm in a very happy place. I'm working two part time jobs, have a pretty good personal life going, and although my writing career isn't exactly taking off, I'm having a pretty good time doing it. So to recap, working, fun, and satisfying. Also, if you're gonna call me an alcoholic can you at least call me a "functional alcoholic"? I feel like, at least I'm not sitting around drinking all day. Just at night.
(Alcoholism isn't funny kids! I in no way support it in case any future employers, female interests, or extended family members are currently reading this!)
That's it for the September bag of mail. I hope you enjoyed the discussions on confused sentences as much as I did. I will leave with an important piece of information: Pasta? A bit overrated in my opinion. That'll do it, adios muchachos!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
