Too Much, Even For Tyler Perry

After recently catching the pigtastic show Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel, I was inspired. Not to take up any of these challenges, as I would be embarrassed by the food, but rather to find the most obscure and ridiculous eating challenges from across the country. There was no way I'd copy anything from the show, so all those restaurants are out. And since there were so many steak and burger challenges, I decided I'd stray away from the norm and find the disgusting. Eating challenges usually aren't my thing (drinking challenges, on the other hand) and I have no respect for anyone who attempts any of these challenges because they are basically killing themselves. But I passed out drunk during my family Christmas celebration, so I guess to each their own. If you do try any of these challenges, have 911 on alert. They will be needed. These are North America's 7 Most Disgusting Eating Challenges. Also, there will be no conclusion this time since the pictures are screwing up my formatting and I'm too lazy to correct them.

7 Where's the Beef?
Challenge: Eat a 120 ounce steak in under an hour
Where it's Done: Gregory's Steakhouse Restaurant in Allentown, PA
Just...Why? This is, undoubtably, the largest steak in America. With no regard for the fact that humans like to live, Gregory's offers up this little ditty for $64. I couldn't find a prize, or if anyone has even attempted it, but no matter. It's physically impossible to eat a 120 ounce ribeye and only Andy Reid would even try and down it. I know Pennsylvania was never known for it's intelligence or creativity (see: Philadelphians) but the least you could do is make the challenge possible. In addition to this horrible, makes-me-think-of-Orson-Wells-idea, they also have all you can eat 12-oz steak nights, all you can eat ribs days, and what every guy loves: large portions of Valentines Day food. Because remember: Valentine's Day isn't only to increase your debt, it's to increase your woman's weight! It's only redeeming quality: happy hour is two hours. Well, you sold me.
New Motto: "Gregory's: Throw out the bikini and come on down!"
Here is the 120 oz. steak in all it's....sexyness?











6. Hold the Syrup--Over the Pancake!
Challenge: Eat a 6 lb. pancake in 20 minutes.
Where It's Done: The Steamboat Cafe in my favorite former stopover--Hannibal, Missouri! (Exclamation point included to increase sarcasm)
Just...Why? Since Mark Twain's hometown is still catching on to the internet, Steamboat Cafe doesn't have a website for me to find out if anyone actually has completed the challenge. You do get the thing for free if you beat the challenge, but there really are no winners here. Take it from someone who's been to Hannibal: they need stuff like this for fun in Hannibal and this doesn't surprise me at all. I'll go even as far as to say they get someone to finish it every weekend. Which will induce cringes all over the blogosphere when you see the picture. With the pancake, you get an entire stick of butter and an entire bottle of syrup. Other things you get if you try the challenge: high cholesterol, 4.5 pounds, massive indigestion, and clogged arteries. What I think: this is just initiation to become a citizen of Missouri. Ever been there? Then you know what I be talkin' bout.
New Motto: "Mark Twain called the owner's great (times 5)-uncle he was fat! Eat here!"
The 6 lb. Pancake. OK, nobody's finished that:





5. I Scream, You Cream, We All Scream "Call 911!"
Challenge: Drink a 6 lb. Milkshake
Where It's Done: Chick and Ruth's Delly in Annapolis, MD.
Just...Why? This challenge I don't mind as much. It gets alot of military types in there and seems like people like to pop the question there. Plus, I really like milkshakes. People only try this challenge in groups and all you get is "pride" and your picture on the wall. Seems like only a select few have actually finished the milkshake and they, thankfully, needed a group to get it done. Besides, formerly being a huge pothead, this sounds like a perfect place to go after a nice wake 'n bake session. And they serve it all, all day. Unfortunately, Annapolis is a city occupied only by the Navy, which means living there would force me to fear any bar that I walked into was a "alternative lifestyle" bar. You know, a Navy bar. All kidding (read: seriousness) aside, any guy named Chick has parents with a terribly, terribly cruel sense of humor or spite.
New Motto: "Our milkshakes will make the boys stay away from the yard!"
The "Colossal" Milkshake. Colossal is an underused word. Like resplendent or panglossian. (Don't know what it is? You are a vocabulariarly inferior to me.)
It's Rather Big. (That's what she said!)




4. Frozen with Fear
Challenge: Eat 21 scoops (almost 7 lbs) of ice cream w/ whipped cream, nuts, and a cherry, the healthiest thing on the menu.
Where It's Done: Brown Cow Ice Cream Parlor in Forest Park, IL
Just...Why? Because they bet you can't do it, that's why! There is little rhyme or reason to actually eating 21 scoops of ice cream. The only way I'd do this challenge is if the whipped cream was covering up Jessica Alba and the cherry was her...well, you get the idea (a GREAT idea). (Be back in 13 minutes) OK, back. I would be happier if the website posted anyone that has actually tried this, yet finished it. I'm pretty sure that eating this would help exceed your daily fat content tenfold. If that's the kind of thing your into, go for it (you might also want to check out sadomasochism). There really are times when I think that there are people that want you to get fat or acquire diabetes, as long as you get it from them. Then again, there are times where I think that I'm destined to do something great. And I'm only right half the time. Fuck you, subconscious.
New Motto: "We'll make you look like our namesake!"
Here's a look at it. It looks good now...just wait til you get 8 scoops in (whiskey looks good before 13 shots, too).







3. Ever Seen a Cow and Pig Breed?
Challenge: Eat a 9 lb burger topped with 3 fried eggs, 6 strips bacon, an entire tomato, half head of lettuce, cheese, and a side of fries. I'm assuming you get as much time as you need. At least, I hope.
Where It's Done: At Mrs. Riches Dinner Club Cafe in Vancouver Island, British Columbia (that's Canada and about as far west as you can go). I'd like to ask a question: is Canada relevant? Discuss.
Just...Why? This fine Canadian hotspot doesn't have a website, so I'll have to go with sarcasm and pop culture references. Ever seen the South Park movie where they invade Canada? Well, I'm assuming eating this burger makes Canadians feel like one of those soldiers in Saving Private Ryan with their guys spilled out on Omaha Beach. But seriously, it just seems like this burger is trying to kill you. It has to be worse for you than alcohol poisoning. There's like breakfast, dinner, and a salad on this sandwich. You'd have to be as retarded Sean Penn in I Am Sam to try this one (never go full retard). I feel like watching someone eat this would be like watching that scene in Requiem for a Dream where Jennifer Conolly is doing the ass-to-ass scene at the end with a bunch of old men watching on repeat. There. I made enough pop culture references to make the writers of Disaster Movie cringe.
New Motto: "Howie Mandel once ate here!"
Here's a Canadian looking guy or girl sporting the MONSTER BURGER (cue creepy music--for the Canadian looking....person)
















2. Mmm...Sexual and Disgusting! Like Tila Tequila's Reality Show!
Challenge: Eat 72 ounces of Bangers and Mash (Sausages and Mashed Potatoes. That means "Bangers" are "Sausages." British people have a strange sense of humor) in under an hour, and IT'S FREE!
Where It's Done: The Brewhouse Cafe in Atlanta, GA
Just...Why? First off, Bangers and Mash is a very popular dish in England and The Brewhouse is an international sports bar. Nobody has won the challenge and with good reason: an average polish sausage is about 8 ounces. So the dish is probably about 5 sausages and the rest mashers. Besides the obvious sexual connotations that the dish gives off, you can imagine the amount of discomfort someone would be in if they actually finished this monstrosity. One would have to be panglossian to think they would get away with this unscathed, and yes that sentence was only written so I could use that word. Maybe not enough people are attempting it (the name, perhaps?) or maybe (read: definitely) people don't like the dish. English food sucks. Trust me, I've been there. And, despite my anorexic like stature, I know food. When food puts you in the bathroom for half the day and makes you feel like the chick from The Exorcist the other half, you shouldn't ever eat it again. I'd have a threesome with Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell before attempting this. (hey, maybe it isn't that bad. Usually the ugly ones try harder. At least, that's what I hear. All the people I've had sex with are beautiful!) As my lovely girlfriend, who reads this blog, would know, I hate all things British. And this challenge is no exception.
New Motto: "If you have enough beer here, there will be plenty of bangers waiting for ya!"
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on if you're fat or not), I couldn't find a picture of the delectable treat. so instead I'll show you a picture of me drunk:

















1. Words Cannot Describe How Dead You'll Be
Challenge: Remember, when you're reading this, that I am in no way joking. It is a sandwich with two rolls, four cheeseburgers, a double cheesesteak, a chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese bites, and fried mushrooms. And you have 15 minute to finish it to get a t-shirt and a casket. Just kidding. Your family pays for the casket.
Where It's Done: Fat Sandwich Co. in Champaign, IL and Norman, OK.
Just...Why? This sandwich separates the men from the clinically retarded. There is just no explanation someone could give me for ordering this sandwich that I wouldn't say "Uhhhh..." to. Four cheeseburgers? Mixed with chicken nuggets and fingers? This sounds like a week worth of eating, or at least two days in John Goodman's house. I don't know how such a mix was ever invented or could ever taste good but it sounds like a bunch of stoners got together and made a sandwich when they were blitzed higher than John Belushi at a staff Christmas party. The real kicker is that you only get 15 minutes to finish it all. It takes me longer than that to eat my so-called "wimpy" dinner, yet someone's eating a "I Really Don't Want to Ever Get Laid Again" Sandwich. I don't think if you gave Kobayashi 15 minutes to finish that he would. Since the sandwich costs $25, why don't you just go get 4 burrito's from Chipolte for the same price and much better taste? Or 4 value meals from McDonalds or Burger King? Or an 18 piece chicken from KFC? For Gods sakes, this isn't even a sandwich. This is Lucifer in between a bun with mozzarella sticks (those are actually pretty heavenly). At least the restaurant isn't lying about what the sandwich is going to do to you. It's like that fat girl that will always love and be honest with you who's still somehow worse than the skinnier blonde who treats you like shit and lies about drinking your last juice box. Fuck off, juice boxes kick ass.
New Motto: "Who needs Dr. Kevorkian? We charge less and taste better!"
There were no pictures for the "Big Fat Ugly" off the website or on Google images, which gave me images far more disturbing than the sandwich.
Instead, you get Neil Patrick Harris on a unicorn. Oh HAPPY DAY!

Quick Oscar Predix

This may be a cheap blog, but I'm just going to tell you who's gonna win the Oscars right here and now. Winners are in Bold.

Best Motion Picture of the Year
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Frost/Nixon (2008)
Milk (2008)
The Reader (2008)
Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Quick Overview: Dissapointing category to say the least. Here are 10 movies in 2008 better than The Reader that weren't nominated: WALL-E, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, In Bruges, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, Tropic Thunder, Rachel Getting Married, The Visitor, and Let the Right One In (it's like Twilight mixed with Blade, without the suckyness).
Biggest Competition: Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Richard Jenkins for The Visitor (2007/I)
Frank Langella for Frost/Nixon (2008)
Sean Penn for Milk (2008)
Brad Pitt for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler (2008)
Quick Overview: Probably the best category, quality-wise. No snubs (unless you count angry old man Clint).
Biggest Competition: Anyone but Pitt, I'd say Jenkins would be a shocker but don't count him out completely.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway for Rachel Getting Married (2008)
Angelina Jolie for Changeling (2008)
Melissa Leo for Frozen River (2008)
Meryl Streep for Doubt (2008/I)
Kate Winslet for The Reader (2008)
Quick Overview: Haven't seen Frozen River, won't see Changeling, so those 2 I could have done without. Sally Hawkins for Happy-Go-Lucky was snubbed and it saddened me. Revolutionary Road was better than The Reader but Kate was better in The Reader. Her nom here may have taken Dark Knight and my beloved WALL-E out of best pic race.
Biggest Competition: I thought of the 4 in Doubt, Meryl did the worst but she is Meryl and the Academy eats her up. So her and, maybe the best but won't win performance, Anne Hathaway.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Josh Brolin for Milk (2008)
Robert Downey Jr. for Tropic Thunder (2008)
Philip Seymour Hoffman for Doubt (2008/I)
Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight (2008)
Michael Shannon for Revolutionary Road (2008)
Quick Overview: They got it all right here. Very happy to see Shannon, the best part of Revolutionary Road, get the nom. Too bad there's no competition in this category. If they don't give it Ledger, more people will be dead.
Biggest Competition: N/A

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams for Doubt (2008/I)
Penelope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
Viola Davis for Doubt (2008/I)
Taraji P. Henson for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Marisa Tomei for The Wrestler (2008)
Quick Overview: Usually the weakest category, it still is. Love Adams and Tomei. Davis was good but her screen time was lacking, yet powerful. Henson is filler.
Biggest Competition: Probably Viola Davis. Unless we have Marisa Tomei-gate, Round 2


Best Achievement in Directing
Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Stephen Daldry for The Reader (2008)
David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Ron Howard for Frost/Nixon (2008)
Gus Van Sant for Milk (2008)
Quick Overview: A bigger snub than best pic, Chris Nolan, say what you will, deserved a nomination here. Fincher and Boyle did a great job in their films and deserve to be here. But I say Nolan could be over the other THREE, especially since they are all performance-driven movies. Daldry, somehow, has made three movies (The Hours, Billy Elliot, and The Reader) and been nominated here every time. And where is Darren Aronofsky? He's a bigger reason for Rourke's performance than Daldry is for Winslet's. Sad, so sad.
Biggest Competition: David Fincher, who admittedly did a wonderful job in what I thought was an overrated movie, is the threat. If any of the other 3 win, I will declare mutiny.

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Frozen River (2008): Courtney Hunt
Happy-Go-Lucky (2008): Mike Leigh
In Bruges (2008): Martin McDonagh
Milk (2008): Dustin Lance Black
WALL·E (2008): Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter, Jim Reardon
Quick Overview: My favorite category this year and hardest to predict, I was THRILLED to see In Burges, WALL-E, and Happy-Go-Lucky here. Especially In Bruges. How that movie has gone so overlooked, I will never know.
Biggest Competition: I would say In Bruges and Happy Go Lucky have no chance, while I haven't seen or heard anything about Frozen River, but I'll count it out based on the that. Milk, the only Best Pic Nominee here, could steal WALL-E's non-animated feature Oscar that it deserves, especially since I'd like to see anyone else right a movie with no dialogue in the first 35 minutes and get nominated here. Fuck the haters, WALL-E ALL THE WAY! (I will look back in a month and realize this is the one category I lost)


Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008): Eric Roth, Robin Swicord
Doubt (2008/I): John Patrick Shanley
Frost/Nixon (2008): Peter Morgan
The Reader (2008): David Hare
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Simon Beaufoy
Quick Overview: Another Dark Knight snub for The Reader here. What is with all The Reader love? I don't get it. Good movie with one great performance. *Sigh* I guess that's what The Dark Knight was too. Would have liked to see Revolutionary Road here since they did as good as they could adapting that great book.
Biggest Competition: 7 of the last 10 Best Picture Winners have won in their writing category. Only Gladiator, Million Dollar Baby, and Chicago didn't win. Chicago and Doubt are theatrical pieces. Million Dollar Baby and Frost/Nixon are movies about the competitive spirit. The Reader and Gladiator were driven by performance and spectacle. Curious Case is the competition but I see it losing out on most of the minor categories and splitting the minor ones with The Dark Knight.

Movie with the Most Oscars: Slumdog, with 5
There Will Be Jokes About: Nixon and Indians
There Won't Be Jokes About: Heath Ledger and Doubt

Yes, Summer Roberts is the Hottest Girl on "The O.C." and Many More Answers

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, readers and braille users, welcome to the Dolan January Mailbag! (Insert crowd noise) While the mailbag may or may not become a staple of the blog, it certainly is here to stay for the moment. January has been a prolific month here on the blog and hopefully that can continue throughout the year. Remember, you can always e-mail real questions or concerns at mdolan2@gmail.com. Otherwise, let's get on with the mailbag. As always, these are fake questions from real people (sometimes).

Q: A few weeks ago I got loaded and thought "what would a Dolan mailbag be like if he was hammered when he answered all the questions?" The questions would be of a sober variety but the answers of (I mean just sloshed) an intoxicated man. Now THAT would be prime time for entertainment. A Dolan Mailbag after 8-10 shots of whiskey would just be filthy good.
--D. Draper, New York, NY.
A: Hey man, I'm writing this blog on a Tuesday night, don't you think I have better things to do than sit around and do 8 shots of whiskey so that I can blog drunk? I clearly would need more than that anyway. So if you want drunk blogger, you're gonna get drunk blogger. Be careful what you wish for. (The rest of the answers are Rated A.A. for Annoyingly Absurd)

Q: With the insertion of Obama into the White House, I think we all are asking the same question: who is the hottest first lady of all time?
--E. Poe, Baltimore, MD.
A: Debatable. It's hard to say how good looking the First Ladies of the 18th and 19th Centuries actually were, so I'm tempted to pick someone from the 1900s. Now Obv it ain't going to be Taft's, Wilson's, Coolidge's, Teddy's, FDR's, Truman's, or Tricky Dicky's. No way to LBJ, nor Ford's, nor Carter's, nor Reagan's. Don't worry, it ain't a Bush and it ain't Clinton. That leaves only two: Michelle Obama and Jacqueline Kennedy. Michelle, besides sharing the absolutely awesome female equivalent of my name, has a tad bit of an overbite (or under, I don't know. It's a deformed bite). Not to say she's a bad looking woman at all, it's just that Jackie was better. I mean, she was married to the greatest womanizing President since John Quincy Adams. (I'll let you figure out if that's a joke or not.) So yes, Jackie Kennedy, you are the hottest First Lady of All Time. Congrats, I'll see if I can get your grave exhumed to get you your award.

Q: Put Andy Reid and Charlie Weiss in a room with 25 Footlong Chicken-Bacon-Ranch Subs from Subway for each; who finishes first?
--Jared, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Holy shit, that's just a flat-out disturbing image. I think Weiss is more of a snacker than a large eater or (likely) both. On the other hand, Andy looks like he's contemplating what he's getting at Burger King after the game. (He's not calling out "#5! #5! because he's trying to get McNabb's attention, you know) As for this contest, I think I would have to go with Andy Reid. I just (unfortunately) picture Andy Reid being able to stuff his face quicker. The only thing I worry about is that Andy Reid might stop to try and challenge if Charlie Weiss spilled a little piece of bacon on the ground, even though it's clearly a cell phone. Oh man, this is harder than I thought. Did you know that having a boatload of whiskey and picturing Charlie Weiss and Andy Reid committing what has to be one of the 7 Deadly Sings is in "Top 5 Things You Should Never, Ever Combine" right behind Tequila and Acid? Well, it is.

OH! Sorry. The whiskey's hitting me pretty hard now. Whew.....OK.

Q: I was watching the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" the other day, when I found out that neither my girlfriend nor a very good friend of mine had ever seen it. Can this injustice stand? What does one do in this troubling, troubling situation?
--Andy, Zihuatanejo, Mexico
A: I think many would agree that Shawshank is the best movie of the 1990s, unless your nominating Goodfellas or something. But let's go with it. First of all, why are you in a relationship with this girl? She's clearly detached from reality and, I'm sorry, if you can't reference Shawshank in everyday life in front of the woman you love (or love to fuck), that's not love. That's a lie. I mean, if you took a trip to Peru and were wandering around unfamiliar territory and you couldn't say "I feel like Brooks right after he got out of jail," you'd feel even more lost. Tell her she's got a week to see it or it's over. As for your good friend, tell him you'll buy him a bottle of (insert his favorite booze) here if he sees it. I mean, you just CAN'T GO THROUGH DAY-TO-DAY LIFE IF YOU CAN'T REFERENCE SHAWSHANK IN EVERYDAY CONVERSATION WITH THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU! What is WRONG with you people? This movie is for everyone. You know how I know? I was at a mental institution last week and they were showing it to all the residents. If you haven't seen it, you are less intelligent than a mentally insane person. How do you feel about that?

Q: Better Looking ESPN Female reporter: Rachel Nichols vs. Erin Andrews?
--C. Berman, Briston, CN.
A: Rahcel Nichols. Erin is pretty and all but how often do you come across the natural fire red hair? NOT OFTEN I SAY! Something about it just gets me all hot 'n bothered, unless my girlfriend is reading this, in which case, redheads are gross. Besides anyone related to you. (Oh Dolan, a save and a beauty!) Someone needs to remind me that writing things out like they are thoughts doesn't actually hide them from the person I don't want to read them. Let's move on before the rambling continues into an uncontrollable state of a complete, devoid feeling that can only be described as a stoner getting a call back to find out his dealer is out of weed. And you know what? That hurts.

Q: Michael Jackson's older brother has an 8-year old son named "Jermajesty." Besides the obvious absurdity of the name, it presents a golden opportunity for him to take his wife's last name and have one of the greatest names ever. Say, if Pittsburgh Penguins player Miroslav Satan had a daughter and Jermajesty took her name. Somebody needs to make this happen.
--P. Fitzgerald, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: I can only picture it now. The DMV, 10 years from now. "Jermajesty Satan, your license is ready." Could you ever imagine the looks extremely religious Latino women would give him? Oh my god, I would pay to see that. Wouldn't it be better though if he changed his name to a last name that was a first name? "Jermajesty Grant or Jermajesty Jenny." Someone with a girls first name as their last name needs to introduce their kids immediately. Unless their kids are over 18. That would just be super creepy. Like, Michael Jackson-creepy. Wow that was easy.

Q: Would you contract syphilis and have it known to the world to sleep with gymnast Nastia Liukin for an entire weekend (If you didn't have a girlfriend, of course)?
-- R. Kelly, Jail.
A: Only if she used me as the apparatus or the balance beam. (And I didn't have a girlfriend)

Q: Could you compare any sporting situation to the crisis in the Israel?
--A. Sharon, Jerusalem, Palestine.
A: Obviously, you could have said the Knicks last year. But now I have to get creative. Luckily for me, whiskey = creativity. Or is it stupidity? EIther way, I could compare the Middle East situation to one sporting situation: (me being offensive alert!) the Commish of the NBA is a Jew (David Stern). For the sake of me not having to research it, I'm going to say the guy who bought the Seattle Supersonics a few years ago is also Jewish. They (yes, they, Stern and the other terrorist) hijacked the team to Oklahoma City, which is like moving the beach to Alaska. So the players were forced to move (just like the Palestinians) somewhere against their will. Numerous Seattle fans were crushed (like the Palestinians) while the Jews just went to the bank to cash in their profits from their fake NBA team that doesn't deserve a name. They should be the Oklahoma City Palestinians.

Q: Everyone talks about the greatest nude scenes in the history of cinema. Well, I don't. I know only your diligent research can uncover the answer to this question: what is the single worst nude scene in the history of cinema? And a follow up: what kind of money would it take to get you to film said scene?
--R.Ebert, Chicago, IL
A: Wow, another great question to think about while I'm drunk off my ass. WHO CARES?! Since you do, I'll find out. Wasn't Kathy Bates nude in "About Schmidt"? (researches) Yes, she was briefly. So that is the worst, because she is not attractive and she's old. Plus, she's fat. What was Jack Nicholson thinking (Oscar Oscar Oscar Oscar Please Oscar)? I'd film it for $10, I'm broke. Plus, I've seen women uglier than that naked (don't ask how). I need money, pay me.

Q: What is the worse decision in this situation: Jimmy Fallon taking over Conan O'Brien's hour of late late night or Jay Leno going primetime, giving them 3 hours of talk shows in a row?
--D.Letterman, New York, NY.
A: God I just loate Jimmy Fallon. Hate Hate Hate. These are both bad decisions, but NBC couldn't put a quality show on if it had Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and Eva Mendes as professional mud wrestlers. Wait. Yeah, that would work (hopefully on HBO, though). Still, they need Leno. Nobody needs Jimmy Fallon. I mean, wouldn't someone like the body of a dead man be funnier than Jimmy Fallon? This idea terrifies me more than the Andy Reid and Kathy Bates questions combined. And that's an awful lot of food and saggyness to get over.

Q: Everyone knows that Disneyland is a kids paradise. What about the paradise of other age groups? Say 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. Take into account that by 30, that person is probably married.
--S.Holmes, London, England.
A: Kids have it pretty easy. I remember complaining about school and now when I hear a kid complain about it, I just want to yell in the kids face "DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD YOU GOT IT?!" The paradise for a 20 year old is Amsterdam, it's Disney World for young adults. The paradise for a 30 and above is Vegas. It's close, and since you'll probably be married, how many places can you get away with going? Not many. You can get drunk, gamble, and, if you're not getting any at home or your just a douche, you can get laid for cash. Ahh, Vegas....where dreams and marriages go to die (or live, I guess).

Q: I live near a town called Villa Park in Illinois. My friend and I were having a debate about what a person from Villa Park would be called. We couldn't agree on anything so we figured you could just make one up for us.
--A. Al-Fayed, Villa Park, IL.
A: That is a tough one. I'd say Villa Parker but that sounds like your parking a car. How bout Villa Parkas? That sounds catchy. And warm. I live in Mount Prospect and Arlington Heights. What would that be? (Besides rich! Ka-Ching!) Mount Prospector and Arlington Heighty. Wow, I'm like gold. Gold bars of schlagger. Oy vei, I'm starting to come down from the Whiskey Effect, hold on while I get another drink.

Q: How many actresses are there where you would pay to see an absolutely terrible movie they were in (knowing the pictures will never be available on the internet), provided there was a 1 second scene of her naked?
--B. Dolan, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: Back and ready for drunk! Anyways. I read your question and answer this way: there is only one. It's not because she's the hottest girl in the world in my eyes, because she's not. I just....I can't keep imagining what it looks like. And it'll never happen, whereas I'm thinking most other actresses will show a little at some point. But not this one. Oh, no. I could just picture her now with her stupid hockey player boyfriend saying "Oh! A script with nudity in it! Throw this one in the fire, honey." So when I go out on this limb that many others would not join me on, the only actress (maybe girls that aren't actresses, but that's so far beside the point, Sarah Palin could see it from her porch) I would pay to see naked for 1 second in a hideous movie would be....Hilary Duff. Sorry. You asked. Oh no, wait. I made the questions up. Damn I'm writing out my thoughts again. Whiskey strong.

Q: I see you picked an episode called "The Naked Man" as one of your favs of the year. I saw the episode, in which a chubby man goes on a date with an attractive woman. The date doesn't go so well but he's invited in to use the bathroom or something. While the woman's in the other room, the man takes off all his clothes and awaits the woman's return to see if she goes for it. The episode said it worked (worked = got laid) 2 out of 3 times. Could this move possibly work?
-NPH, Manhattan, NY.
A: Jesus Christ, are you an idiot? Does it look like I know ANYTHING about picking up women? I haven't had many relationships and the longest one I've had, introduced herself to me, rather than the other way around. I will attempt to answer it though. If you work out and have a good body for a dude and the girl is either a) a slut, b) mega-horny, or c) desperate then it might work. However, you should be prepared to be kicked out of the apartment with out your clothes. So, you know, hide your wallet and phone somewhere. Or...don't, actually. That's fucked up. I mean, if this actually worked, wouldn't almost every guy just start doing it? Hell, I would try this if I heard (and confirmed) it actually worked for someone. Just goes to show you the desperation of man that we ever have to come up with ideas like this. And women want equal rights? YOU GUYS ALREADY CONTROL EVERYTHING!!

I hope you all learned your lesson today. Drinking and blogging is much more dangerous and disturbing than once thought. It will never, ever happen again. I hope my obvious drunkenness at least gave you a little chuckle as you skimmed through this months mailbag. What comes next for the blog? Who knows. But you can be sure my sober demeanor will be prepared to infiltrate knowledge into your mind like a AIDS awareness teacher in Africa. If you didn't like the blog today, make like a goldfish and forget it. Complainers don't bring out creativity. And neither does whiskey. That brings out stupidity and arrest warrants. For now though, i must make like a Bulgarian and say Doskoro! Happy Obama Day Everyone!

Even Death is a Laughing Matter

You don't find too many people out there who find death funny. Even though it usually is rather tragic and depressing, death has its fine points as well. Death can serve as a period on the dramatic sentence of a well-lived life, if you will. Most deaths disappear into the air or ground (or ocean, if it sucks to be you) with little remembrance of a life gone by. Well, I'm here to remind you that remembrance isn't always a good thing. Sometimes it's better to just be forgotten. These are the The 7 Most Embarrassing Self-Inflicted Deaths (Not Suicides).

7. Chrysippus
Date of Death: 207 BC in Greece
Age: 73, more or less. Give me a break, it was 2200 years ago.
The Happenstance: Good ol' Chysippus was a very renowned stoic philosopher, for it was he who popularized stoic philosophy. So we can agree he was an intelligent, respected man, right? Well, the way he died seemed like how an alcoholic farmhand would die. One day, Chrysippus had too much wine. He couldn't drink anymore so he decided he would channel wine through his donkey. The donkey became very drunk. The donkey tried to eat some of Chrysippus' figs. Chrysippus thought this was rather funny. So funny, in fact, that he died because he was drunk, 72, and laughing too hard at his drunk donkey trying to eat Greece's version of the Fig Newton. Modern equivalent: turtle trying to eat a steak.

6. Jack Daniels
Date of Death: October 10, 1911 in Lynchburg, Tennessee, which may be the most offensive city name in America.
Age: 61
The Happenstance: The Whiskey maker and Lynchburger, Jack's death took a little more time than the others. You see, it isn't always changing a light bulb over the running water of a bathtub that makes the accidental death news. Sir Daniels (as hes called in my house) was having trouble opening his safe, as he forgot the combo, presumably while 100% sober. As Jack screamed "What in tarnation?!" and hit the safe with his shoe, he remembered seeing a game of soccer and thought "Kicking. That's what opens metal." So he kicked the safe as hard as he could. Although he didn't die right then and there, six years late Jacky Boy succumbed to lead poisoning in his foot and passed into alcy heaven. As requested in his will, the combo for his safe is on every bottle of Jack :45% A.B.V. or 45-01-02-22. Jack's memory lives on in the hearts and minds of every drinker who's puked and passed out on a stranger's lawn.

5. Eleazar Maccabeus
Date of Death: 162 BC in Israel at the Battle of Beth-zechariah, around the West Bank, where they finally have achieved peace!
Age: Unknown but rather young, presumably. Presumably he existed. Presumably.
The Happenstance: Eleazar, a young and important Jew (like Seth Green!), died a hero. Or an idiot, depending on how you look at it. During the battle of (Jewish sounding words), Eleazar spotted the king of the opposing side on a large elephant, as if there were any other kind! Instead of stabbing it in the head or something, Eleazar sneaked up, sat under the elephant and speared him like Jesus on the cross (too soon?). There was one fault with Eleazar's brilliant plan: things that get stabbed die and, thus, cannot stand up. The elephant ended up Yokozuna-ing his ass, flattening him like a pancake at a Waffle House. Even though young, young Eleazar died a hero, it was bittersweet. Eleazar only thought that the elephant was carrying the king, as he missed his appointment at Pearl Vision earlier that morning. It just goes to show that if you kill anything as a Jewish warrior, you are remembered fondly. Why do you think one of the guys who launched the missiles into Gaza last week was recently seen partying with fellow-Jew Natalie Portman? (re: Jews do NOT know how to party. They were seen coming out of a Kosher Bar at 8:15.)

4. Jennifer Strange
Date of Death: January 12, 2007 in Rancho Cordova, California
Age: 28 year old, mother of 3
The Happenstance: Poor Jenny was participating in a radio contest to try and win a Ninetndo Wii for her kids. What she didn't know was that if you hold your bladder for a long period of time after drinking lots of water, well that's not good for you. Unfortunately, Jennifer didn't know this going into the "Hold your Wee for a Wii" contest put on by the clever radio station in the Sacramento area. After the contest was over, Jennifer was on her way home and in "extreme pain" since had consumed almost 80 or so ounces of water in an hour without urinating. About an hour later, Strange was found dead in her home by her mother, due to water intoxication. The worst part: she didn't even win! Poor kids of hers. Surprisingly, no criminal charges were filed against the producers or hosts of the show, who received numerous calls warning about a possible danger in the contest of death, but the DJs laughed it off. They were subsequently fired and now are doing the same contests behind a 7-11 with homeless people and presumably will be sued until they have no money left. Even more bittersweet for Jenny's family: Wii's are now on sale across the country.

3. Tycho Brahe
Date of Death: October 24, 1601 in Prague, Czech Republic (then Bohemia)
Age: 54
The Happenstance: Tycho was attending a lavish dinner party at some fancy dude's home in Prague. They had no doubt consumed a rather large amount of wine throughout dinner, which would make even the most iron bladdered man to have to use the little boys room (or the little girls room if he's a pervert). However, it was considered extremely bad etiquette to leave the table during a nice dinner, such as the one Tycho was at. While the table was discussing astrology, since Tycho was part-astrologist, Tycho was rocking back and forth saying "yeah, YES, THE EARTH IS FLAT GODDAMNIT! ARE WE DONE HERE?!" The dinner party just dragged on and on, until one of the guests sitting next to Tycho said "hey, what's that warm liquid touching my leg? And why is Brahe unconscious or dead?" Well, it turned out that that warm liquid was pee and Brahe had died, right there at the dinner table. His pants were covered in piss, like the old lady from Billy Madison, and yes I only included that line so I could make that movie reference. Although other accounts of his death include murder speculations, I'd like to think that this whole story is true just for the selfish purpose of not rendering my sacred blog invalid. Seriously, this blog is like all I got right now.

2. Sigurd the Mighty of Orkney
Date of Death: Died 892 AD in Northern Scotland, as if there was a different kind of Scotland
Age: Unknown. Vikings didn't start printing birth certificates until around 900 AD.
The Happenstance: Sigurd here was the Viking Earl of Orkney who succeeded his brother, Ragnald the Wise (not to be confused with the other Ragnald). During Sigurd's conquest of Scotland, he beheaded one of the Scottish kingdom rulers. Instead of just letting it be since, you know, the guy was dead, Sigurd couldn't resist his inner Viking and strapped the ruler's head to his saddle. Since a horse doesn't ride as smooth as, say, one of those VW Vans from the 70s, the head kept bobbing against Sigurd's tree trunk of a leg. In what has to be the worst sequence of road head, the teeth of the head broke his skin open and since the Viking word for toothbrush is "chicken bone", Sigurd's leg was predictably infected. As the Viking word for medicine was "bludgeon," the infection spread throughout his body until it killed him. Before I make another Viking dictionary joke, I will leave you with the following so you do not have to hear it:

Oh that's right. I went there.

1. Franz Reichelt
Date of Death: February 4, 1912 in Paris, France
Age: Sometime in his 40s, unless the French age well. Wait...do they? Does not showering make you look older or younger?
The Happenstance: Franz was an Austrian tailor living in Paris. Business was down until Franz got a great idea and it wasn't to tell Germany that France would lie down if they invaded. With the popularity of planes growing, Franz attempted to capitalize on the potentially growing industry. He figured people would need to jump out of these flying contraptions, so he tried to make an invention no sky diver takes for granted: the parachute. This is like an auto mechanic designing a plane. Probably not the safest idea. Undettered by his detractors and his own stupidity, Franz decided that his parachute needed to be tested if people were going to buy it. What Franz didn't know was that people didn't WANT to need a parachute. And since about 5 people could afford flying in Paris, his market would be somewhat limited. One thing Franz did have going for him was that the Eiffel Tower, then the tallest man-made structure, was right in his backyard (not literally, he was just a tailor), available for his any or last desire (key word: last). Franz ascended to the first deck of the Tower, about 200 feet in the air, and said "Wii. This es la perfecta location four mi fateful jump." What happened next could be compared to a wrestler jumping off the top rope and missing, except that the top rope was 200 feet high and the mat was cement. Although the French attempted to insult him for his failure, he was dead and the French were about to be rocked by the Germans in World War I. So maybe Franz got the better end of the deal. I mean, have YOU ever been invaded by Germany? They are mean. Like a nursing home patient who sends back their order. If you want to laugh at a person dying, here's the video of him "soaring" to his death.


Hope you enjoyed the deaths of these unfortunate people who probably would have rather just had a fatal seizure or something. But what can you do, somebody's deaths have to entertain us. In other blog news, I have a new mailbag coming up for you ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna try and get one up every month this year. I can only knock on wood that today's blog will help look at death in a lighter point of view. No doubt that death is not easy, I'm definitely not saying to think of it that way. But death can be funny, on occasions, when stupid people do stupid things. Any of the above people could have avoided their deaths and only their stubbornness or idiocy prevented their lives from continuing. Anyways, I'll see you next time with the mailbag and until then, catch the new Flight of the Conchords or read up on the middle east. Hasta luego, amigas.

The Best and Worst: Small Screen Edition

I know many of you don't have as much time on your hands and, thus, don't watch nearly as much TV as I do. Well, I have a DVR and am unemployed, so what the hell do you expect? In between my job searches, blogs, and traveling, I am an easy man to entertain when I watch TV. For those that don't watch much, maybe this will help steer you in the right direction next time you get some free time. For now, sit back and enjoy my Best and Worst TV of 2008. Also, I'll have another blog up in the next few days as well. Here we go.

5 Worst TV Shows of 2008

5. Everything Post-Strike
After the WGA strike, shows rushed to try and squeeze in more episodes so people didn't forget about them. Quality suffered, reality tv reigned, and I was forced to turn to watch Sportscenter 7 times a day.

4. Dexter
For those that don't know, Dexter is Showtime's critically lauded show about a serial killer who only kills other killers, in between his day job as a blood analyst for Miami police. Well, the writers decided to give Dexter a touchy-feely side that feel out of sorts with his character and induced more than a few cringe-worthy moments for a show that once mesmerized me at it's quality.

3. House (Fall Season)
House was a show I never really got into until I found myself with more time on my hands than a homeless wino. I rented the DVDs and caught up, really enjoying the first 4 seasons. Well, so far, in the fall House has been a disorganized mess, abandoning plot points, giving minor characters immense amounts of screen time, and forcing relationships. House used to be a great look into a deflecting, disturbed doctor's mind but now, it's just trying too hard.

2. Entourage
Minus the very-cool Martin Scorsese moment at the end, Entourage was boring, convoluted, and seemed to turn into a parody of itself. I don't even want to get into why I disliked this season so much, but for a show that used to deliver hilarious banter and situations, it's so unbelievably baffling the direction it has taken. (Yeah, I get it. E's short, Drama's old, and Turtle's fat.) If it wasn't for Jeremy Piven, I may have given up on this show.

1. Heroes
What started as one of the best concepts for a TV show has turned into the biggest disappointments in the history of my TV watching life. Characters switching sides every 10 minutes, acting that borders on self-parody, plot points that make you want to throw something at the TV, awful, awful, awful writing, under usage of the best characters, merge different character with different character every week just made the show a laughing matter that has turned into a joke. Usually, I don't wish cancellation on a TV show like this but I hope it does or I fear I may keep watching and watching until my brain melts.

5 Best TV Episodes of 2008

5. How I Met Your Mother
Episode: "The Naked Man" (Season 4, Ep. 9)
For a show that I never expected much out of, I find Neil Patrick Harris utterly hilarious to the point where I must watch this show just to watch his comedic stylings. It's still a little sitcom-y, but this episode about a guy who sleeps with one of the group members because he got naked while she was in the bathroom after a bad first date is quite funny. As the other group members try the same thing, it just makes you wonder if the move would actually work on any girl as you laugh hysterically.

4. House
Episodes: "House's Head/Wilson's Heart" (Season 4, Ep. 15/16)
I know I just ripped House but the Spring season was actually pretty good. The season finale in May was a true gem in the show's history. It's trippy, sad, and has all the elements of House that made it a good show in the first place. It might seem overly flashy but I think the element adds to the intrigue of the episode as well as the impending tragedy that is found out in the second half. This is how a finale should be written.

3. Friday Night Lights
Episode: "Hello, Goodbye" (Season 3, Ep. 4)
FTL is a show I just love and can't understand how everyone in the universe doesn't. This episode (which aired on DirectTV and soon to be NBC) shows the departure of one of the show's stars as he gets into Texas A&M, even after busting up his knee badly. It was one of the show's best moments, for one of the best shows of the decade. The ending is enough to bring a grown man to tears, but since I'm not that grown yet, I didn't cry that much.

2. Mad Men
Episode: Pick 'em (any Season 2 Episode)
For those of you that don't watch Mad Men, get caught up. It is one of the best shows I've ever seen and I say that after only 2 seasons. The look back into the nostalgia and ignorance of the 1950s is mesmerizing and enthralling. Comedic, tragic, and extremely well-developed characters in the Madison Ave ad agency serviced up one of the best TV seasons I've seen in recent memory.

1. Lost
Episode: "The Constant" (Season 4, Ep. 5)
For me, "Lost" is and has been the best show on TV since its first season. This episode may be my favorite of the series so far. Lost is at it's best when it focuses on the desperation and connections of the characters, rather then the sometimes overdone mythos of the show. It's never been better than it is in "The Constant." It's so well-done, so simply well-put that nothing else could have sufficed. With such a diverse cast, a stand-alone episode for one character is risky but with "The Constant," Lost writers pulled out a magical little gem in what was a rather bad year for TV.

There ya go for now. I'm a little tired, so I'll keep it short. I'll be back in a few days with a new blog for your liking. Maybe you liked this one, maybe you didn't, but I just did it because I was wanting to write something I could free flow without starting and stopping to think. So there you have it. Hope to see ya'll again real soon and until I do, buenas dias senores!

Off the Post

After going to England, I'm in a soccerlicious mood. Therefore, you will have to endure through my mood with me as I blog about it. So DEAL WITH IT! As you may or may not know, sports have always been a way to bring people together. Even if it brings them together with the other person's fist. That, I hope it's safe to say, is not the greatest thing about sports. The greatest thing about sports is that at any moment, anything could happen. The whole mood of a city can change in an instant. People go from celebration drinking (Week 16) to drowning their sorrows (Week 17). Believe it or not, this kind of stuff happens in soccer too. Maybe even more so. So without further adieu, I present to you The Best Soccer Games from Various Events. Let's kick it.

Best English Cup Match
Date/Match-Up: May 13, 2006: Liverpool v. West Ham
Background: This matchup between two top-10 top-level clubs was to decide the English Cup in the 2005-2006 season. Liverpool went in as the favorites, even though they play offense like the Bears: slow, boring, and not often.
Result: West Ham went up 2-0 early and led 2-1 at the half. Liverpool captain Steven Garrard, who recently was arrested for beating up a DJ who wouldn't play a Phil Collins song (read: not a joke), tied it 10 minutes into the second half before West Ham re-took the lead 10 minutes later. West Ham looked like they were going on to victory before they were thwarted again when Garrard sent a rocket in the air that night, OH LORD! The game went into extra time, until that ran out and penalty kicks were needed to decide the match. Liverpool goalie Pepe "LePeau" Reina atoned for earlier mistakes by keeping out 3 of West Ham's 4 penalties to win it for Liverpool and sending the London-based West Ham fans on a long drive back to a pub to spend some pounds on some pints. (I picked up all that lingo in London)
Here is Steven Garrard's rather impressive (or deflating, depending on who you ask) strike from about 35 yards out:


Best American Game
Date/Match-Up: June 5, 2002: Portugal v. USA
Background: At the 2002 World Cup, the U.S. was looking to make a better showing than their 32nd (last) place finish in the 1998 World Cup. Portugal was heavily favored and was thinking "America has a soccer team? What's next, Russia with a beach volleyball team? A Jamaican bobsled team? Bwahahaha."
Results: Contrary to popular belief, the US DOES have a soccer team, Russia does have a beach volleyball team, and the Jamaican's (Cool Runnings Reference Alert!) do have a bobsled team. The U.S. scored within the first 5 minutes, then again 25 minutes later on an own goal (there is nothing funnier or more tragic in sports than an own goal) to go up 2-0. Then Buffalo Grove's finest, Brian McBride, put the U.S. ahead 3-0, an extremely large margin, 5 minutes later. The Portuguese, looking as baffled as Kosuke Fukudome on an offspeed pitch, put in two goals before the end but could not add a third as the U.S. won the game and took away Portugal's spot into the next round, in which the U.S. beat Mexico (it's like the same country anyway) to advance to the quarterfinals before losing to the runner-up Nazi Germany. The U.S. has not won a World Cup game since and soccer is back to normal here.
Here are the U.S.'s goals from the Portugal game, a memorable game (well, maybe to some):


Best UEFA Cup Game
Date/Match-Up: May 16, 2001: Liverpool v. Deportivo Alaves
Background: (The UEFA is a second-tier tournament in which clubs who finish in the second tier of their top divisions compete against other European clubs of the same nature.) Liverpool's basically won everything a thousand times so it's no surprise they were in the finals, but Deportivo Alaves was a very surprising (like the Rays in the World Series) entry into the final, looking for their first trophy of any kind, except when they won the Pinewood Derby in Cub Scouts. Oh, wait. That was me. Anyways...
Results: The match was a goal-fest-stravaganza. Liverpool took a early 2 goal lead with goals from Markus Babel and Mr. Phil himself, Steven Garrard and then had a 3-1 lead at halftime. Five minutes into halftime, however, striker Javi Moreno of Deportivo Alaves scored two goals in just five minutes to even things up and stun the Liverpoolians. After another goal by Liverpool 20 minutes later, Deportivo Alaves amazingly tied the game up again with just 2 minutes left to force extra time and give the young team yet another chance. As dreams so often do, the amazing run ended in tragedy when D.A., just 5 minutes away from forcing Penalty Kicks, netted a goal in their own net to give the game to Liverpool 5-4. The loss is something only Cubs fans can empathize with.
Here are the highlights from the tragic game:


Best World Cup Match
Date/Match-Up: June 17, 1970: West Germany vs. Italy
Background: The 1970 World Cup, often considered the best ever, featured many entertaining matches but Germany against Italy had to have been the best. In the Semi's, with the winner facing Brazil, the two members of the Axis of Evil went at it like Mussolini and Hitler in a Steel Cage Match (alert: idea that's too good).
Results: It was a rather dull match until the final minutes with Italy up 1-0. Then, West Germany scored to tie it in the last minute and force extra time, where things finally get good. Ever met a boring girl who was OK looking and hook up with her but then hang out with her again and she's actually really interesting and even hotter than you thought? That's kind of how this game went. First, Germany scored a befitting socialist goal that somehow rolled in to take the lead within 5 minutes. Italy scored 4 minutes later, then 6 minutes after that to take a 3-2 lead. Then, 5 minutes after that, Germany scored to tie the game again at 3-3. One minute later, Italy scored the game winner, ending an exceptional stretch of 5 goals in 17 minutes. I don't even know what to compare that to, it's so unprecedented. Wait, I got it. Goals were getting put in faster than new Roman Emperors (alert: history joke!).
Here's a little look at all the goals scored in the overtime period:


Best UEFA Champions League Match (Tie)
Date/Match-Up: May 25, 2005: Liverpool vs. AC Milan
Background: (The Champions League is like the UEFA Cup, except for the top tier teams in Europe) Milan (Italy) went into the match as the favorites, having won 6 Champions League Finals to Liverpool's 4. The match took place in Istanbul, not Constantinople like originally planed, in front of 70,000 fans. Surprisingly, there was no violent or controversial encounters between the I- tie's and the British Empire.
Result: Milan got off to about an early a lead as you can, scoring in the first minute in the game. Then, late in the first half, Milan striker Herman Crespo put in two goals within 6 minutes of each other to give Milan a tre goal lead, 3-0, at half time. Liverpool, as they so often do, came back with a goal by, I-only-have-so-many-Phil-Collins-jokes, Steven Garrard. Two minutes later, Liverpool struck again to make it 3-2 and minutes later were awarded a penalty kick. Xabi Alonso was denied like a virgin at a frat party but followed up his miss to put it in and tie the game, overcoming a 3 goal deficit in just 7 minutes. The game remained tied until after extra time, forcing penalty kicks. Liverpool, who can resist Penalty Kicks about as much as Oprah can resist women (they can't), made their first 2 and Milan missed their first 2, giving Liverpool a 2-0 advantage by the art of logical deduction. Milan made their next 2 while Liverpool made one and missed one, making it 3-2 after 4 takes each. My soccer god, Andriy Shevchenko, came up for Milan and was denied just barely to give Liverpool another Champions League trophy. Liverpool fans celebrated and were estimated to have bought 10,000 bottles of champagne with over a million fans attending the parade the following day, although Phil Collins was not in attendance.
Here are some quick highlights from the exasperating final:


Best UEFA Champions League Match (Tie)
Date/Match-Up: May 26, 1999: Manchester United v. Bayern Munich
Background: The biggest team from Germany facing off against the biggest team from England for the European championship. Tyranny vs. Tyranny. No Humor vs. Sarcasm. Ugly vs. Ugly. Sausage vs. Fish N' Chips. Bad Comparisons vs. The Readers.
Result: Bayern Munich went ahead after 5 minutes to go up 1-0. For most of the game, it seemed as it would end 1-0 in favor of the Sausagers. With 4 minutes of injury time remaining in the game, the Fishers and Chipers tied it up off a bad clearance from a Bayern player, who probably is still crying about it. Less than 2 minutes later, off a corner kick, a header found the foot of Ole Gunnar Solskjær (read: really badass name alert!) and then hit the back of the net to the absolute despair of the Sauerkrauters and to the delight of the Bangers N' Mashers. Manchester United's stunning victory was the first win by an English team since they were banned because of the Heysel Stadium Disaster in 1985. Manchester Uniter manager Alex Ferguson was knighted because of the win and produced a now famous quote that will live on throughout the sports improbable moments: "Football! Bloody Hell!" Bloody Hell, indeed sir.

I'm going to keep my closing as to the point as possible, as I've got lots to do. I hope some soccer (or football, if you Euro's want to be pricks about it. It's not my fault it's called soccer here) fans were able to enjoy the column. If you didn't enjoy it, you'll just have to wait until next time for something you'll hopefully enjoy more. Anyways, I'll have a brief hiatus from the 5th-11th since I'll be in Mexico. I'll brainstorm while laying on the beach, sipping margaritas. Until next time, I'll leave you with my favorite pop song of 2008! P.S. GO SEE SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!
Adios, Muchachos!