When I first started writing this blog, I never thought I'd still be punching in the keyboard to entertain folk two years later. But here I am. And I thought, since there is no better or more celebrated anniversary than December 25th, that I'd celebrate by writing about Christmas. I struggled for many unemployed hours to come up with a topic for this blog that coincides with the ever-joyous holiday, but every time I came up like a midget at an amusement park: just short. Why come up with a topic by myself when others have already done my work for me. So instead of inventing 6 holidays and writing a list about it, I'm going to list off the 6 Best Fictional Christmas-Themed Holidays.
6. Yak Shaving Day
Date: Sometime towards the end of the year.
Celebrated By: All members of the LSD-incduced Ren & Stimpy universe.
Origins: Yak Shaving Day traces its origins back to 1992, when it was first mentioned in the show. Its basically Christmas, but instead of stockings, they hang poopy diapers and instead of Santa leaving presents, a yak leaves gunk in the sink. Sounds festive. I never really got into this show, though. Maybe it's because I was under 10 and didn't take acid for at least 5 more years. Or maybe its because I was under 10 and didn't get it.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Poop.
5. Agnostica
Date: December 14th
Celebrated By: Pretty self-explanatory. Agnostics celebrate Agnostica. (Not to be confused with Kwanzans celebrating Kwanza)
Origins: Agnostica is an invention of the online comic "Nukees," dealing with nuclear engineering students. It takes place on December 14th because that's when physicist Max Plank (in 1900) presented a theory of quanta, beginning Quantum Physics (asshole). Agnostica is, rightfully, a confusing holiday for the confused. It's like Halloween, except you go to a party dressed up as your favorite scientist. At this party there is a "Random Bag of Fun," "Mystery Punch," "Mulled Wine," and a Schrodinger Box (big box that cannot be opened). Something tells me Newton and Einstein would get a boner from a party like this.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: There just aren't enough agnostics. Most people that you could probably call agnostic don't really want to celebrate that fact (that's pretty much why they chose to be agnostic in the first place). Besides, most people aren't scientists and most think this party would be "the nerdiest thing I've ever heard." I may be intrigued by the "mulled wine" though. I'll have to think it over.
4. Winterval
Date: All festivals at the end of the year.
Celebrated By: Everyone! It's one of those new-age "fusion" holidays all the kids are talking about.
Origins: Mike Chub, head of the Birmingham (that's England, ladies) City Council, came up with the idea to combine all the events toward the end of the year into one word as to not offend absolutely anyone celebrating a holiday during winter. Some described it as "political correctness gone mad." Me? I'd say why not just combine all the celebrations into one? Have a Winterval Festival with elements of Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Ramadan, and Diwali (that's Hindu. Like the red dots or the "curry smell"). Although, I'm not sure I'd want the Jews and Muslims anywhere near each other. That'd be like throwing Israel into Iran. (Battle Royale!)
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, most people thought the idea was stupid to begin with (kind of like remaking "The Sandlot" with Keanu Reeves and a bunch of black kids, i.e. "Hardball"). It has caught on with top flight soccer club Fulham in England, as they use it in their Christmas season advertising for the club. Although you would think some cross-faith couples might try "Winterval," since combining those holidays might make Kwanza, Diwali, Ramadan, and Hannukah actually interesting. (Curry flavored Fried Chicken with Maza ball Soup!)
3. Chrismahanukwanzakah
Date: December 13th
Celebrated By: Virgin Mobile (well, they can't be Miley Cyrus' carrier then!) subscribers and kids that have a black parent, a white parent, and a Israeli stepparent. (More likely: Israeli dad has his white Christian wife cheat on him with black man (or woman!) and leave him for the for-life nightclub bouncer).
Origin: This holiday was invented by Virgin Mobile to sell cell phones and, to a lesser extent, satire the political correctness of people like the Birmingham City Council guy we just discussed. How bad is it when a cell phone company is satirizing political correctness? The song was kind of catchy, almost like a Kosuke Fukudome pop up but a little farther than second base. Plus, the commercial had an Indian guy dressed as Santa, a girl covered only by a phone, and a tiny gay elf. If you think that sounds racist, then there's a possibility that it is. Or height-ist, I'm not sure what they call that (sizeist? smallist? asian?).
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, people would rather have a set cell phone plan than all that "pay-as-you-go" stuff, mainly so they don't have to change their cell plan every two weeks. Also, I think people are scared of Kwanza (read: black people). I know I am, who even knows what Kwanza means! (re: Kwanzaa means "first" in Swahili. That's African.)
2. Chrismukkah
Date: Hanukkah all the way through Christmas. It's unknown for sure though, Seth never said in The O.C. when it was exactly and I always thought.....(Mike slowly backs away, trying to pretend he didn't just say that, but realizes he's only backing away from the keyboard, not the people he just said that to. He also realizes he could delete all of this but then gets distracted and keeps writing)
Celebrated By: Families that have a Jewish parent and a Gentile parent that celebrates Christmas.
Origins: Well, although Seth Cohen of The O.C. claims to have invented it, it may have been middle-class Jews in 19th Century Germany (certainly not 20th Century Jews in Germany) that started to celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday rather than a religious one. Greedy bastards. Basically, the family celebrates most, but not all 12 days, of Hanukkah with presents, as usual, and watches Christmas movies on Christmas with Chinese food, with both a menorah and Christmas tree both up. We'll give Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) credit for the idea, but only because he dated Rachel Bilson, who did this for Chrismukkah:
HOLY. SHIT.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, to a certain degree, it HAS caught on. After seeing it on The O.C. \, a Jewish-American couple from Montana (yeah, people do live there) started Chrismukkah and wrote two books for recipes and how to celebrate the holiday. I'm not sure how many people actually celebrate it, but Chrismukkah, unlike the other holidays on this list, actually has mitzvah of a chance of catching on. But, you know, it could just...um...could I see that video again?
1. Festivus
Date: December 23rd
Celebrated By: The Costanzas and Seinfeld fanatics. I'd like the airing of grievences part. Imagine yelling at your Grandma "You drink enough booze to fill a lake!" Ahem. Not me talking, just an example.
Origins: Writer Dan O'Keefe started this holiday in 1966 and his son brought it to the attention of the world on Seinfeld. Common practices included putting up an alluminum pole (to oppose X-Mas trees and because "tinsel is distracting") with the modern (yeah, people actually celebrate it) holiday including heavy drinking with a big meal. The "Airing of Grievances" allows the members of the family to share their problems they have with the others. For example: "You're a damn dirty slut and you should stop sleeping around! NO! I will not shut up mom!" The next part, "The Feats of Strength," consists of a guest wrestling the host until the host is pinned. Other than that, it's a completely normal holiday, full of joy and miracles:
Why It Hasn't Caught On: It has. Festivus poles are made. There was a Festivus Ice Cream flavor from "Ben & Jerry's." There's a Festivus wine. Instead of referring to the playoffs as such, the Baltimore Ravens refer to the playoffs as "Festivus." The Wisconsin Governor put a Festivus pole up in his house. There's a "Festivus" film festival, and towns in Wisconsin and South Carolina have Festivus celebrations. There's nothing funny about this holiday anymore. Well, I take that back. This holiday is more out there than The X-Files.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this holiday edition of the blog! I hope you don't feel the actual need to celebrate any of these strange holidays but if you do, more power to you I guess. I'll no doubt get one more blog in before I go to London on the 25th but my next one will probably be the last one of 2008. It's been quite a year on the blog and I can only thank all the regulars who read and all those that are just catch the occasional flavor. Well, from me here at the blog, I wish you and yours a buon natale e l'anno nuovo felice!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The Dolan Mailbag
Everyone gets mail. Day after day, whether you want it or not, mail adressed to you gets delivered right to your door. Unless you're a terrorist. Just like Bill Shatner on the set of "Star Trek", I own this place. This place is this blog. And although my loyal readers don't expand much beyond the few and the proud (although, you could tell others to read if you wanted. it wouldn't kill you, you know), I still get my fair share of questions in response to my controversial speculations and truths. Therefore, I will answer them on my blog. No doubt, the questions will be controversial and obscene (just the way I like them). This is the first Dolan's Answers to the Reader's Questions (Holiday Edition). Sit back and make like Scarlet Johansson in my bedroom and enjoy the ride. (Of course, if my girlfriend is reading this, that was a joke. *winkwink* Damn. That doesn't work as well when you write it.)
Q: Hey, how do you come up with the ideas for this blog?
--Danny, Wheeling, Illinois.
A: Well, Danny, I use a simple process: first, I sniff glue. Then I pour half of a handle of vodka into a (very) large glass, splash a little coke in there, then wash it down with a cigarette and a joint. After that, I go on google, smash my fingers against the keyboard and wah-laa...a topic is born.
Note: recommended only for people with no job, no plans for 48 hours, and a match.com account.
Q: What if you were to hold a fantasy baseball draft with 12 people, get half of them stoned out of their minds and the other half completely drunk off their ass. Which side would have the advantage?
--Ricky W., Miami, Florida.
A: A well thought out question if I do say so indeed. On one hand, the drunks could easily distract the stoners (ex: food, music, the wallpaper design). On the other hand, the stoners could easily distract the drunks by egging them on that they should call a girl they have a "chance" with and their incessant observations about things that stoners make incessant observations about. I don't know if theres an advantage either way, but I think it would be a lot worse than it sounds. There would be about 30 "Didn't Pick in Times", 20 players taken early that shouldn't be drafted ever, and 6-10 retired players taken.
Example of a drunk team: C-Ramon Hernandez, 1B-Mark Bradley, 2B-Dan Uggla, SS-(None), 3B-Mike Lowell, Aramis Ramirez, and "That Guy from the MLB Playoffs Commercials", OF-Alfonso Soriano, Jacque Jones, and Barry Bonds
Example of a stoned team: C-Geo Soto, 1B-Dmitri Young, 2B-Ian Kinsler, SS-Alex Rodriguez (ineligble @ SS), 3B-Joe Crede, OF-Reggie Abercrombie, Ryan Langerhands, and David Jesus
Q: What is your favorite holiday? Also, do you have any ideas for holiday drinks? What are the perfect drinks for each holiday?
-- Robin, Nottingham, UK.
A: My favorite holiday is St. Patrick's day because I'm Irish, a borderline alcy, and I'm scared of large bunnies, fireworks, ghosts, and fat men in red suits. As for holiday drinks, I have perfected them all. For X-Mas, you have Nog-A-Sake (3 parts Eggnog, 2 parts Sake). For Halloween, you have "The Skeleton" (1 pt. Jager, 1pt. Peppermint Schnapps, and 1 pt. Kahlua). For Easter, you have "Break an Egg" (2 pts. Vanilla Vodka, 1 pt Everclear in Hot Chocolate). For Valentine's Day, you've got "The Heartbreaker" (1 pt Bacardi, 1 pt Strawberry Vodka, 4 pts Cranberry Juice, 1 pt Bacardi 151 (add if you're single))
Q: Can the Bears actually run the table and make the playoffs, or were they just teasing everyone with that win over the Jaguars?
--Lovie, Chicago, IL
A: Theoretically, they can. Theoretically, I could blackout tonight and end up on Oprah's back porch in the morning. If the Bears can beat the Saints on Thursday, I'll become a believer that they can run the table. But until then, trusting the Bears is like having a snowball fight in the winter after it just rained: you just might get hit with a big chunk of ice right in the head. Or the balls.
Q: If you could pick any the nationality of any two foreigners in the world to have a threesome with, what would they be and why?
--Bill C., Washington D.C.
A: This is one of the subjective questions where, depending on who you ask, there will be a thousand different answers. If I HAD to choose two, I would choose Brazilian and Armenian (example: Kim Kardashian is Armenian but not the overwhelming factor in my decision). I took a long time pondering the 2nd choice but Armenian eventually came out on top after I thought of something exotic, gleaming, and horny-making (sorry, I spilled coffee on my Thesaurus after "gleaming"). I mean, think about it....or don't, it's my fantasy, not yours. Sorry if I've got a thing for the semi-tanned look that both Middle Easterners and South Americans have. It ain't my fault. Now, about that flight to Yerevan....
Q: What would be a good metaphor for Clay Aiken coming out of the closet in September?
--Paula, Hollywood, California.
A: It's like an Illinois politician, who after a few years seems alright (the baby and straight marriage), but then rumors come out have to do with corruption (just looking at him). You don't want to believe but know they are probably true. You look at them and say "that's the face of a guilty man." Then, they plead guilty or are arrested. (coming out of the closet) (Note: this paragraph sponsored by the Rod Blagojevich Bail Fund)
Q: What is absolutely the worst reality show ever made?
--Flavor F., Compton, California.
A: There has been no show in television history more offensive than "My Super Sweet 16." The only reason anyone watches it is to call the girls bitches, the parents pushovers, and to see how much money they'll actually spend. When (not if) I go to hell, this show will be on repeat at the sports bar that only serves O'Douls and Goldschlagger. Stephen A Smith will be my bartender with the part in "Soulja Boy" that goes "Youuuuuu!" repeats 8,000,239 times in a row.
Q: What was the most disappointing moment, to you, of the train wreck that was "Entourage: Season 5"?
--Mark W., New York, New York.
A: Well, pretty much everything but I'll try and pick one thing that bugged me the most. Through Drama never working, Vince not able to find one role (Ben Affleck found work after "Gigli"!!!), but the moment that bugged me the most was Ari turning down a studio head job, just so he could stay Vince's agent. Talk about the most unrealistic thing in the history of life. Just because Vince wouldn't be able to do that ONE movie, doesn't mean Ari couldn't put Vince in just about anything for the rest of his career, plus make a shitload more money for himself. All in all, the show has gone down in quality faster than "SNL: Post-Ferell".
Q: If new Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro was a fictional character, who would he be?
--Kirk, ??????
A: This was a tough one. I didn't want it to be from a sports movie because that would be too easy. So I thought about the personality of the kid from "Bad Santa" mixed with the look of Chachi from "Happy Days." And I was right.
Q: Was there a better moment in sports this year than Michael Phelps' run at the Beijing Olympics?
--Tim T., Gainseville, FL
A: Well, with this year winding down, the sports fan has had alot to be thankful for this year. The Nadal/Federer match at Wimbeldon was one of the best tennis matches of all-time, Tiger's one-leg win at the US Open, in one of the greatest performances on a golf course ever, a buzzer beating three to force OT in the NCAA Title Game, and Usain Bolt capturing the world with his legs all were amazing accomplishments. In fact, 2008 was probably the best year in sports this decade, if not my lifetime. I think I can point out something everyone will remember from every month this year.
January: Michael Beasley showcasing his talents to the world with Kansas St. beating undefeated Kansas
February: David Tyree's amazing helmet catch to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl
March: Davidson's (and Stephen Curry's) spectacular run through the NCAA Tournament
April: The Kansas/Memphis title game
May: Big Brown capturing the attention of a nation, before and after his races.
June: Tiger Woods stunning win at the U.S. Open on one leg, beating old-but-new Rocco Mediate in a playoff
July: Nadal/Federer at the Wimbeldon Final in an epic 5 set match, winning the last set 9-7
August: Michael Phelps' record metal count in a few intense heats, and Usain Bolt becoming the fastest of all time
September: The Carlos Zambrano No-Hitter
October: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays run through the playoffs
November: Michael Crabtree's game-winning catch on fouth down to beat #1 Texas with 1 second left
December: "Jake Peavy to the Cubs" rumors continue to escalate, incinerate, rinse, repeat, and drive me absolutely insane
That's all for the mailbag.
Hope you all enjoyed a change of pace. With the holidays fast approaching, I'm trying to get as many blogs in as I possibly can. If you have any actual questions in case you liked this, didn't like it, or just want to bash me in general, my e-mail is mdolan2@gmail.com. But until next time, my faithful readers, adios and feliz navidad!
Q: Hey, how do you come up with the ideas for this blog?
--Danny, Wheeling, Illinois.
A: Well, Danny, I use a simple process: first, I sniff glue. Then I pour half of a handle of vodka into a (very) large glass, splash a little coke in there, then wash it down with a cigarette and a joint. After that, I go on google, smash my fingers against the keyboard and wah-laa...a topic is born.
Note: recommended only for people with no job, no plans for 48 hours, and a match.com account.
Q: What if you were to hold a fantasy baseball draft with 12 people, get half of them stoned out of their minds and the other half completely drunk off their ass. Which side would have the advantage?
--Ricky W., Miami, Florida.
A: A well thought out question if I do say so indeed. On one hand, the drunks could easily distract the stoners (ex: food, music, the wallpaper design). On the other hand, the stoners could easily distract the drunks by egging them on that they should call a girl they have a "chance" with and their incessant observations about things that stoners make incessant observations about. I don't know if theres an advantage either way, but I think it would be a lot worse than it sounds. There would be about 30 "Didn't Pick in Times", 20 players taken early that shouldn't be drafted ever, and 6-10 retired players taken.
Example of a drunk team: C-Ramon Hernandez, 1B-Mark Bradley, 2B-Dan Uggla, SS-(None), 3B-Mike Lowell, Aramis Ramirez, and "That Guy from the MLB Playoffs Commercials", OF-Alfonso Soriano, Jacque Jones, and Barry Bonds
Example of a stoned team: C-Geo Soto, 1B-Dmitri Young, 2B-Ian Kinsler, SS-Alex Rodriguez (ineligble @ SS), 3B-Joe Crede, OF-Reggie Abercrombie, Ryan Langerhands, and David Jesus
Q: What is your favorite holiday? Also, do you have any ideas for holiday drinks? What are the perfect drinks for each holiday?
-- Robin, Nottingham, UK.
A: My favorite holiday is St. Patrick's day because I'm Irish, a borderline alcy, and I'm scared of large bunnies, fireworks, ghosts, and fat men in red suits. As for holiday drinks, I have perfected them all. For X-Mas, you have Nog-A-Sake (3 parts Eggnog, 2 parts Sake). For Halloween, you have "The Skeleton" (1 pt. Jager, 1pt. Peppermint Schnapps, and 1 pt. Kahlua). For Easter, you have "Break an Egg" (2 pts. Vanilla Vodka, 1 pt Everclear in Hot Chocolate). For Valentine's Day, you've got "The Heartbreaker" (1 pt Bacardi, 1 pt Strawberry Vodka, 4 pts Cranberry Juice, 1 pt Bacardi 151 (add if you're single))
Q: Can the Bears actually run the table and make the playoffs, or were they just teasing everyone with that win over the Jaguars?
--Lovie, Chicago, IL
A: Theoretically, they can. Theoretically, I could blackout tonight and end up on Oprah's back porch in the morning. If the Bears can beat the Saints on Thursday, I'll become a believer that they can run the table. But until then, trusting the Bears is like having a snowball fight in the winter after it just rained: you just might get hit with a big chunk of ice right in the head. Or the balls.
Q: If you could pick any the nationality of any two foreigners in the world to have a threesome with, what would they be and why?
--Bill C., Washington D.C.
A: This is one of the subjective questions where, depending on who you ask, there will be a thousand different answers. If I HAD to choose two, I would choose Brazilian and Armenian (example: Kim Kardashian is Armenian but not the overwhelming factor in my decision). I took a long time pondering the 2nd choice but Armenian eventually came out on top after I thought of something exotic, gleaming, and horny-making (sorry, I spilled coffee on my Thesaurus after "gleaming"). I mean, think about it....or don't, it's my fantasy, not yours. Sorry if I've got a thing for the semi-tanned look that both Middle Easterners and South Americans have. It ain't my fault. Now, about that flight to Yerevan....
Q: What would be a good metaphor for Clay Aiken coming out of the closet in September?
--Paula, Hollywood, California.
A: It's like an Illinois politician, who after a few years seems alright (the baby and straight marriage), but then rumors come out have to do with corruption (just looking at him). You don't want to believe but know they are probably true. You look at them and say "that's the face of a guilty man." Then, they plead guilty or are arrested. (coming out of the closet) (Note: this paragraph sponsored by the Rod Blagojevich Bail Fund)
Q: What is absolutely the worst reality show ever made?
--Flavor F., Compton, California.
A: There has been no show in television history more offensive than "My Super Sweet 16." The only reason anyone watches it is to call the girls bitches, the parents pushovers, and to see how much money they'll actually spend. When (not if) I go to hell, this show will be on repeat at the sports bar that only serves O'Douls and Goldschlagger. Stephen A Smith will be my bartender with the part in "Soulja Boy" that goes "Youuuuuu!" repeats 8,000,239 times in a row.
Q: What was the most disappointing moment, to you, of the train wreck that was "Entourage: Season 5"?
--Mark W., New York, New York.
A: Well, pretty much everything but I'll try and pick one thing that bugged me the most. Through Drama never working, Vince not able to find one role (Ben Affleck found work after "Gigli"!!!), but the moment that bugged me the most was Ari turning down a studio head job, just so he could stay Vince's agent. Talk about the most unrealistic thing in the history of life. Just because Vince wouldn't be able to do that ONE movie, doesn't mean Ari couldn't put Vince in just about anything for the rest of his career, plus make a shitload more money for himself. All in all, the show has gone down in quality faster than "SNL: Post-Ferell".
Q: If new Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro was a fictional character, who would he be?
--Kirk, ??????
A: This was a tough one. I didn't want it to be from a sports movie because that would be too easy. So I thought about the personality of the kid from "Bad Santa" mixed with the look of Chachi from "Happy Days." And I was right.
Q: Was there a better moment in sports this year than Michael Phelps' run at the Beijing Olympics?
--Tim T., Gainseville, FL
A: Well, with this year winding down, the sports fan has had alot to be thankful for this year. The Nadal/Federer match at Wimbeldon was one of the best tennis matches of all-time, Tiger's one-leg win at the US Open, in one of the greatest performances on a golf course ever, a buzzer beating three to force OT in the NCAA Title Game, and Usain Bolt capturing the world with his legs all were amazing accomplishments. In fact, 2008 was probably the best year in sports this decade, if not my lifetime. I think I can point out something everyone will remember from every month this year.
January: Michael Beasley showcasing his talents to the world with Kansas St. beating undefeated Kansas
February: David Tyree's amazing helmet catch to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl
March: Davidson's (and Stephen Curry's) spectacular run through the NCAA Tournament
April: The Kansas/Memphis title game
May: Big Brown capturing the attention of a nation, before and after his races.
June: Tiger Woods stunning win at the U.S. Open on one leg, beating old-but-new Rocco Mediate in a playoff
July: Nadal/Federer at the Wimbeldon Final in an epic 5 set match, winning the last set 9-7
August: Michael Phelps' record metal count in a few intense heats, and Usain Bolt becoming the fastest of all time
September: The Carlos Zambrano No-Hitter
October: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays run through the playoffs
November: Michael Crabtree's game-winning catch on fouth down to beat #1 Texas with 1 second left
December: "Jake Peavy to the Cubs" rumors continue to escalate, incinerate, rinse, repeat, and drive me absolutely insane
That's all for the mailbag.
Hope you all enjoyed a change of pace. With the holidays fast approaching, I'm trying to get as many blogs in as I possibly can. If you have any actual questions in case you liked this, didn't like it, or just want to bash me in general, my e-mail is mdolan2@gmail.com. But until next time, my faithful readers, adios and feliz navidad!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Excuse Me, Is This Place Occupied?
The world is a very crowded place. We jam bunches of people into small, small areas like a 11-inch (expletive) into a virgin's (expletive). It didn't always used to be that way, you see. Back in the old days (even further back than the "enforced DUI" and "domestic abuse laws"), people were spread out since their cousin Hallah couldn't ring them up on their cell and tell them what address to plug in on their TomTom: Camel Edition. Still, different areas of the world still became more populous than others (And why not? Even then, people knew Canada sucks). But where, you may (or more likely, may not) ask, were these cities that were larger than the others. Since you can probably see where I'm going with this, let's get down to it. These are the Most Populous Cities in History By Every Millenium (Since 3000BC).
3000 BC
Most Populous City: Memphis, Egypt
Population: More than 30,000
How'd It Thrive? Once upon a time, way before cable and pop music (although some scholars debate that), there were two kingdoms of Egypt. Smack dab in the middle was Memphis, Egypt, our topic of discussion. Located about 20 miles south of modern-day capital Cairo, Memphis unified the two halves of Egypt through a mutual need. Plus, Memphis was very strageically important to Ancient Egypt as it lay on the Nile River. At it's time, Memphis was by far the largest city in the world, kind of like what Boise is to Idaho (note: Idaho, although sometimes forgotten, is still actually a state). It held the top spot for over 800 years before being dethroned, pretty much confirming that life (at least, REAL life that is) began somewhere in Africa or the Middle East. Although that begs the ultra-spooky question: where did the Indians come from? (Seriously, what funky mix of sex partners created that? Nothing against Indians, it's just...baffling)
2000 BC
Most Populous City: Ur, Sumer (Now known as "That Place Where America's Spending Your Children's Money")
Population: Around 65,000, about the same amount as the billions of dollars we've spent there.
How'd It Thrive? Located in Sumer, which is sometimes referred to as the "Cradle of Civilization," Ur was a city from the late 6th Millenium BC, was abandoned and was re-settled. Now very inland, Ur used to be located on the Euphrates River, making it very favorable for trade through land and sea routes for all of Arabia. In the third dynasty of Ur, irrigation was improved, and the King at the time built all sorts of temples and set up one of the first code of laws ever known to man. Through all this, however, Ur only remained the largest city in the world for a few years, conviently garnering a spot on this list of lists. My favorite law from the Code of Ur-Nammu has to be this one: "If a man’s slave-woman, comparing herself to her mistress, speaks insolently to her, her mouth shall be scoured with 1 quart of salt." Those were the days when adultery was OK unless you were a woman. Then you were killed. Seems fair to me, let's move on.
1000 BC
Most Populous City: Thebes, Egypt. That's really fun to say. Theeebessss.
Population: 120,000
How'd It Thrive? Around 2000 BC, Thebes took control as the capital of Egypt. Thebes is known to be one of the most wealthy and beautiful cities in the ancient world. Located about 450 miles south of Cairo on both sides of the Nile River, Thebes had many spectacular temples, sphinxes, tombs, and other monuments were built in Thebes and still stand there (now modern-day Luxor and Al-Karnak). And just like Orange County, rich people flocked there to stay rich, get richer, and marry a nice, completely covered up woman. And until the Greeks stepped on their turf, Thebes was the religious, political, and militaristic capital of Egypt. Even though I missed it in my last blog, I think during this paragraph would be the perfect time for my Indiana Jones reference, as Thebes is where the Valley of the Kings is, and Indiana has been there before. Uhhh..yeah, that's it.
1 A.D.
Most Populous City: Rome, Roman Empire. DUH.
Population: Between 800,000 and 2 Million. Or about the population of Idaho, Montana, and North Dakota combined. (I may or may not be kidding)
How'd It Thrive? Well, if you really don't know (for shame, faithful readers), then I'll tell you. Rome was one of the largest Empires in the history of man. As the empire became bigger, the military became bigger, the economy got better, more slaves and nobility entered Rome, increasing the population by muchas personas. Rome was pretty much like a mix of Washington D.C. and Las Vegas, save the lights, add more prostitutes. You know Rome for the Colloseum, the Trevi Fountain, and all the touristy stuff. But what you may not know about this ever-so-populated hub is that the Roman Empire isn't even in the top 10 of most populated Empires of all time. Even though 31% of the world was under Roman rule and that Ancient Rome is perhaps the most studied area of ancient history, it didn't even have a Starbucks. Which is astonishing. WHERE DID THEY GET THEIR TRIPLE NON-FAT CINNAMON DOLCE LATTES AT HALF TEMP'S?!?!? Rome does, however, have the distinction of being the only country on this list outside of or connected to Asia. So congrats, Italians, go ahead and brag about it. Just know this:
1000 A.D.
Most Populous City: Baghdad, Iraq. Without the bombs over it. (Cue Outkast!)
Population: 1.2 Million. Rome was the first to break the million mark but Baghdad took over the population lead like Saddam on Syria.
How'd It Thrive? Unlike the other cities on this list, Baghdad wasn't the world population leader at the time because it was thriving. On the contrary. Baghdad, in 1000 A.D., was actually run by an Iranian group that is so hard to spell, even attempting it would be racist. The main reason for Baghdad's tremendous population at the time was because it was the center of the Islamic world. And Islamic people REALLY love their religion. I mean, there is a reason that you don't see Christians bombing mosques and taking their own lives. Anyways, Baghdad pretty much grew with the growth of Islam and that's how it overtook Rome, since the official religion of Rome was Pinotnoir-ism.
2008 A.D. (aka NOW)
Most Populous City: Tokyo, Japan. You were expecting someone else?
Population: 28,025,000 people in one damn city. My, how things change in a thousand years.
How's It Thriving? Amazingly, I really don't know how Tokyo has thrived throughout the years. Just 60 years ago, most of Japan was poor. Somehow, in the 80s, their economy experienced an unbelieveable boom, comparable only by saying it was like Tokyo was dating Rosie O'Donnell (ok, not that bad. Let's go with Roseanne) and then, after they broke up, Tokyo started dating Scarlet Johansson. Japan is a very organized country. They work hard, they are very educated, and they don't have to pay for a military. Another reason may be that Japan has one of the highest life expectencies, so people don't die as often as elsewhere, keeping the population very high. There are many jobs since its on Tokyo Bay and a massive amount of businesses are located there. Let's be honest here though. The real reason Tokyo is so big? Sake and a condom shortage.
Well, it wasn't my best work but it will tide you over until my next blog which I promise will be epic and embarassing as hell to me, as I will be "critiquing" myself on various aspects of life. Anyways, there's no reason to worry about my ability. It's still going as strong as cholera in Africa. Ouch, how's that excessive diarrhea treating ya? (Oh c'mon, disease jokes against the poor are a little funny. Or not. FINE!) Until I bombard your mind with knowledge, remember one thing: everything in this blog is a metaphor. If you can figure out for what, gold star for you. Until next time, obtenir infecté avec les crabes s'il vous plaît!
3000 BC
Most Populous City: Memphis, Egypt
Population: More than 30,000
How'd It Thrive? Once upon a time, way before cable and pop music (although some scholars debate that), there were two kingdoms of Egypt. Smack dab in the middle was Memphis, Egypt, our topic of discussion. Located about 20 miles south of modern-day capital Cairo, Memphis unified the two halves of Egypt through a mutual need. Plus, Memphis was very strageically important to Ancient Egypt as it lay on the Nile River. At it's time, Memphis was by far the largest city in the world, kind of like what Boise is to Idaho (note: Idaho, although sometimes forgotten, is still actually a state). It held the top spot for over 800 years before being dethroned, pretty much confirming that life (at least, REAL life that is) began somewhere in Africa or the Middle East. Although that begs the ultra-spooky question: where did the Indians come from? (Seriously, what funky mix of sex partners created that? Nothing against Indians, it's just...baffling)
2000 BC
Most Populous City: Ur, Sumer (Now known as "That Place Where America's Spending Your Children's Money")
Population: Around 65,000, about the same amount as the billions of dollars we've spent there.
How'd It Thrive? Located in Sumer, which is sometimes referred to as the "Cradle of Civilization," Ur was a city from the late 6th Millenium BC, was abandoned and was re-settled. Now very inland, Ur used to be located on the Euphrates River, making it very favorable for trade through land and sea routes for all of Arabia. In the third dynasty of Ur, irrigation was improved, and the King at the time built all sorts of temples and set up one of the first code of laws ever known to man. Through all this, however, Ur only remained the largest city in the world for a few years, conviently garnering a spot on this list of lists. My favorite law from the Code of Ur-Nammu has to be this one: "If a man’s slave-woman, comparing herself to her mistress, speaks insolently to her, her mouth shall be scoured with 1 quart of salt." Those were the days when adultery was OK unless you were a woman. Then you were killed. Seems fair to me, let's move on.
1000 BC
Most Populous City: Thebes, Egypt. That's really fun to say. Theeebessss.
Population: 120,000
How'd It Thrive? Around 2000 BC, Thebes took control as the capital of Egypt. Thebes is known to be one of the most wealthy and beautiful cities in the ancient world. Located about 450 miles south of Cairo on both sides of the Nile River, Thebes had many spectacular temples, sphinxes, tombs, and other monuments were built in Thebes and still stand there (now modern-day Luxor and Al-Karnak). And just like Orange County, rich people flocked there to stay rich, get richer, and marry a nice, completely covered up woman. And until the Greeks stepped on their turf, Thebes was the religious, political, and militaristic capital of Egypt. Even though I missed it in my last blog, I think during this paragraph would be the perfect time for my Indiana Jones reference, as Thebes is where the Valley of the Kings is, and Indiana has been there before. Uhhh..yeah, that's it.
1 A.D.
Most Populous City: Rome, Roman Empire. DUH.
Population: Between 800,000 and 2 Million. Or about the population of Idaho, Montana, and North Dakota combined. (I may or may not be kidding)
How'd It Thrive? Well, if you really don't know (for shame, faithful readers), then I'll tell you. Rome was one of the largest Empires in the history of man. As the empire became bigger, the military became bigger, the economy got better, more slaves and nobility entered Rome, increasing the population by muchas personas. Rome was pretty much like a mix of Washington D.C. and Las Vegas, save the lights, add more prostitutes. You know Rome for the Colloseum, the Trevi Fountain, and all the touristy stuff. But what you may not know about this ever-so-populated hub is that the Roman Empire isn't even in the top 10 of most populated Empires of all time. Even though 31% of the world was under Roman rule and that Ancient Rome is perhaps the most studied area of ancient history, it didn't even have a Starbucks. Which is astonishing. WHERE DID THEY GET THEIR TRIPLE NON-FAT CINNAMON DOLCE LATTES AT HALF TEMP'S?!?!? Rome does, however, have the distinction of being the only country on this list outside of or connected to Asia. So congrats, Italians, go ahead and brag about it. Just know this:
1000 A.D.
Most Populous City: Baghdad, Iraq. Without the bombs over it. (Cue Outkast!)
Population: 1.2 Million. Rome was the first to break the million mark but Baghdad took over the population lead like Saddam on Syria.
How'd It Thrive? Unlike the other cities on this list, Baghdad wasn't the world population leader at the time because it was thriving. On the contrary. Baghdad, in 1000 A.D., was actually run by an Iranian group that is so hard to spell, even attempting it would be racist. The main reason for Baghdad's tremendous population at the time was because it was the center of the Islamic world. And Islamic people REALLY love their religion. I mean, there is a reason that you don't see Christians bombing mosques and taking their own lives. Anyways, Baghdad pretty much grew with the growth of Islam and that's how it overtook Rome, since the official religion of Rome was Pinotnoir-ism.
2008 A.D. (aka NOW)
Most Populous City: Tokyo, Japan. You were expecting someone else?
Population: 28,025,000 people in one damn city. My, how things change in a thousand years.
How's It Thriving? Amazingly, I really don't know how Tokyo has thrived throughout the years. Just 60 years ago, most of Japan was poor. Somehow, in the 80s, their economy experienced an unbelieveable boom, comparable only by saying it was like Tokyo was dating Rosie O'Donnell (ok, not that bad. Let's go with Roseanne) and then, after they broke up, Tokyo started dating Scarlet Johansson. Japan is a very organized country. They work hard, they are very educated, and they don't have to pay for a military. Another reason may be that Japan has one of the highest life expectencies, so people don't die as often as elsewhere, keeping the population very high. There are many jobs since its on Tokyo Bay and a massive amount of businesses are located there. Let's be honest here though. The real reason Tokyo is so big? Sake and a condom shortage.
Well, it wasn't my best work but it will tide you over until my next blog which I promise will be epic and embarassing as hell to me, as I will be "critiquing" myself on various aspects of life. Anyways, there's no reason to worry about my ability. It's still going as strong as cholera in Africa. Ouch, how's that excessive diarrhea treating ya? (Oh c'mon, disease jokes against the poor are a little funny. Or not. FINE!) Until I bombard your mind with knowledge, remember one thing: everything in this blog is a metaphor. If you can figure out for what, gold star for you. Until next time, obtenir infecté avec les crabes s'il vous plaît!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Irony Isn't What You Think
Ladies and gents, boys and girls, species of animals that can somehow read, I welcome you back to the blog that gave you all brief moments of intellectual, spiritual, and idiotic enlightenment throughout the last few years. Ever think of irony as that Alanis Morrisette song (where nothing is ironic, which doesn't make it ironic at all)? Well, then you have awful taste in music. That's not what irony really is though. This blog, however, will feature bits of irony. But I digress. You've never invented or made anything important. If you had, you'd have too much money to read this blog. So I'm going to combine my favorite literary device with my favorite topic: irony and history. More accurately, historical irony. Or, even more accurately, The 6 Most Ironic Examples of Historical Irony.
6. Wan Hu
When: Sometime during the Chinese Ming Dynasty or around 1500 for those who have never taken advanced Chinese history.
The Situation: Wan Hu died becoming the world's first "astronaut" on the "spaceship" that he made.
The Irony: Wan Hu's "spaceship" was actually just a chair with 50 rockets attached to it. According to legend, he sat in the chair while 50 men each lit a rocket and ran away because, as legend has it, rockets usually are dangerous in the hands of uneducated Chinese military personnel. So it blew up and Wan Hu "disappeared" (read: blew up into hundreds of little pieces). Some say that this story is just a legend since its not included in Chinese historical records. If that's true, the accurate version of China's entire history will be included below:
(Insert historical records here)
5. Perillos of Athens
When: The 6th Century BC in Ancient Greece
The Situation: Perillos was commissioned to build a torture device, now known as the "Brazen Bull", by Phalaris, a tyrant of a suburban Greek village. (Story inspired the movie "Gigli", with Ben Affleck starring as the torture device)
The Irony: When Perillos was showing off the finished product to his employer, his employer thought it'd be wise to give it a test drive. With Perillos inside. (Brazen Bull: torture device in which the victim is locked inside a metal container over hot flames until burnt to death. When the victim screams, it sounds like a bull bellowing because of the metal.) Perillos didn't die inside the Brazen Bull, but Phalaris threw him off a cliff because he was good like that. In another twisting bit of ironic fate, Phalaris was overthrown and thrown in the Brazen Bull, where he died. The guy who invented it was killed because of it and the guy who wanted it built was killed inside of it. And you wonder where the word "perilous" came from? Boom, word origin master right here.
4. Otto Lilenthal
When: In 19th Century Germany, known in Germany as "The Unification Times When We Came Close to Smiling."
The Situation: Lilenthal was a renowned German flight aviator guy. He was the first to successfully glide in the air for far distances. He tried again.
The Irony: Lilenthal was the first man to get a patent for the hang glider. He inspired the Wright Brothers and their attempt at flight. He also, unintentionally, went on to inspire that "the guy died in a hang gliding accident" joke from "Wedding Crashers." On what he thought would be a pioneering flight, he pioneered himself to the ground from about 60ft, crushing his spine and killing him the next day. His final words were "Small sacrifices must be made!" (unknown if the exclamation point was included) Otto just flew too close to the sun. Or was walking on air. Or had his head up in the clouds. Or was crushed by failure. Alright, that's enough wordplay.
3. Fritz Haber
When: Right in between World War I and World War II in Germany, right in the middle of that failure sandwich.
The Situation: Fritz was a Nobel Prize winning chemist for his work synthesizing ammonia, but I'm thinking the Nobel committee would take it back if they figured he'd become known as the "Father of Chemical Warfare."
The Irony: For all his work with chemicals, Fritz Haber invented the poison gas Zyklon B which was to be used as an insecticide, but later used as that "gas in the concentration camps." Because of his work, Haber's wife committed suicide after he first oversaw his gas being used for the army. Then, members of Haber's extended family were killed by the gas in concentration camps. After World War II, presumably because "The German Comedy Hour" radio program that he loved was canceled, Haber committed suicide. After his death, he was incorrectly associated with the creation of meth but that's just because people said "fuck it, let's just pile it on this guy." A little known fact about him was that he was actualyl the guy who created the "What's the Deal with....?" jokes but they didn't catch on since there were no airline peanuts to make fun of. (Newman!)
2. Alfred Nobel
When: In 19th Century Sweden, where "nooobody knows" (said in generic spooky voice) what happened because, well, it's cold there damnit.
The Situation: You know Nobel as the guy who the Nobel prize is named after. But do you know his real claim to fame? He made a fortune making dynamite. Well, that's right. The Nobel Peace Prize is named after the guy who invented dynamite. However, he did invent it to create safer mining and the like. So we'll give him some credit. But not much.
The Irony: Although he did create dynamite as a safer alternative than gunpowder and the like for mining and other endeavors, dynamite soon was taken up as a weapon in the Franco-Prussian War (I know what your thinking "The French FOUGHT?!?" Well, don't worry. They lost this one too) So his invention that was supposed to save lives ended up taking more than it saved. Nobel, however, was so rich through the creation of dynamite that he all the funds he left for his Nobel Foundation have been used to create the various Nobel Prizes and recognize significant scientific advances, like Al Gore' Powerpoint Presentation and Bono's....well, whatever it is that Bono does. Besides singing, of course.
1. Thomas Midgley, Jr.
When: During the early-mid 20th century on the East Coast of the You Ese.
The Situation: Midgley was a mechanical engineer/chemist who added lead to gasoline for General Motors to prevent engines from internally combusting, a practice which was soon adopted by all American car companies.
The Irony: The addition of lead into gasoline released a dangerous amount of lead in the atmosphere, causing health problems all over the world. He even got lead poisoning himself and had to take a long vacation. After that vacation, he took part in the GM Chemical Company to produce it, but 8 team members died of overexposure and caused GM and Standard Oil to create the Ethyl Gasoline Company to produce lead, using an even more dangerous temperature. Workers quickly were overcome with insanity, hallucinations, poisoning, and death. To demonstrate its safety, Midgley poured lead all over his hands and breathed it in through his nose for 60 seconds straight. The plant was shut down by the state of New Jersey and if you get shut down by New Jersey for health violations, then you know something might be a little wrong. He also created Freon, a CFC that damaged the atmosphere heavily, and received a few awards. He eventually died after getting polio, probably naturally (sarcasm alert), and strangling himself in the strings holding up his limbs. Midgley was quoted as "having the single greatest affect on the atmosphere more than any single organism on Earth." His nickname is the adoringly put together "The Man who Destroyed the Atmosphere." Which is funny because, you know, he kinda did.
Well I'm glad to be back after my short yet noticeable absence from the blog. I'll be back more frequently from now, I promise. Hopefully I've cleared up your definition of irony and you got a little chuckle out of some the events that took place on this blog, even though most of them were kinda tragic. I won't take up too much more of your time, since I'm sure you have better things to do. And if you don't, you should really get a hobby. Until I see your lovely faces again, vá parafuso se!
6. Wan Hu
When: Sometime during the Chinese Ming Dynasty or around 1500 for those who have never taken advanced Chinese history.
The Situation: Wan Hu died becoming the world's first "astronaut" on the "spaceship" that he made.
The Irony: Wan Hu's "spaceship" was actually just a chair with 50 rockets attached to it. According to legend, he sat in the chair while 50 men each lit a rocket and ran away because, as legend has it, rockets usually are dangerous in the hands of uneducated Chinese military personnel. So it blew up and Wan Hu "disappeared" (read: blew up into hundreds of little pieces). Some say that this story is just a legend since its not included in Chinese historical records. If that's true, the accurate version of China's entire history will be included below:
(Insert historical records here)
5. Perillos of Athens
When: The 6th Century BC in Ancient Greece
The Situation: Perillos was commissioned to build a torture device, now known as the "Brazen Bull", by Phalaris, a tyrant of a suburban Greek village. (Story inspired the movie "Gigli", with Ben Affleck starring as the torture device)
The Irony: When Perillos was showing off the finished product to his employer, his employer thought it'd be wise to give it a test drive. With Perillos inside. (Brazen Bull: torture device in which the victim is locked inside a metal container over hot flames until burnt to death. When the victim screams, it sounds like a bull bellowing because of the metal.) Perillos didn't die inside the Brazen Bull, but Phalaris threw him off a cliff because he was good like that. In another twisting bit of ironic fate, Phalaris was overthrown and thrown in the Brazen Bull, where he died. The guy who invented it was killed because of it and the guy who wanted it built was killed inside of it. And you wonder where the word "perilous" came from? Boom, word origin master right here.
4. Otto Lilenthal
When: In 19th Century Germany, known in Germany as "The Unification Times When We Came Close to Smiling."
The Situation: Lilenthal was a renowned German flight aviator guy. He was the first to successfully glide in the air for far distances. He tried again.
The Irony: Lilenthal was the first man to get a patent for the hang glider. He inspired the Wright Brothers and their attempt at flight. He also, unintentionally, went on to inspire that "the guy died in a hang gliding accident" joke from "Wedding Crashers." On what he thought would be a pioneering flight, he pioneered himself to the ground from about 60ft, crushing his spine and killing him the next day. His final words were "Small sacrifices must be made!" (unknown if the exclamation point was included) Otto just flew too close to the sun. Or was walking on air. Or had his head up in the clouds. Or was crushed by failure. Alright, that's enough wordplay.
3. Fritz Haber
When: Right in between World War I and World War II in Germany, right in the middle of that failure sandwich.
The Situation: Fritz was a Nobel Prize winning chemist for his work synthesizing ammonia, but I'm thinking the Nobel committee would take it back if they figured he'd become known as the "Father of Chemical Warfare."
The Irony: For all his work with chemicals, Fritz Haber invented the poison gas Zyklon B which was to be used as an insecticide, but later used as that "gas in the concentration camps." Because of his work, Haber's wife committed suicide after he first oversaw his gas being used for the army. Then, members of Haber's extended family were killed by the gas in concentration camps. After World War II, presumably because "The German Comedy Hour" radio program that he loved was canceled, Haber committed suicide. After his death, he was incorrectly associated with the creation of meth but that's just because people said "fuck it, let's just pile it on this guy." A little known fact about him was that he was actualyl the guy who created the "What's the Deal with....?" jokes but they didn't catch on since there were no airline peanuts to make fun of. (Newman!)
2. Alfred Nobel
When: In 19th Century Sweden, where "nooobody knows" (said in generic spooky voice) what happened because, well, it's cold there damnit.
The Situation: You know Nobel as the guy who the Nobel prize is named after. But do you know his real claim to fame? He made a fortune making dynamite. Well, that's right. The Nobel Peace Prize is named after the guy who invented dynamite. However, he did invent it to create safer mining and the like. So we'll give him some credit. But not much.
The Irony: Although he did create dynamite as a safer alternative than gunpowder and the like for mining and other endeavors, dynamite soon was taken up as a weapon in the Franco-Prussian War (I know what your thinking "The French FOUGHT?!?" Well, don't worry. They lost this one too) So his invention that was supposed to save lives ended up taking more than it saved. Nobel, however, was so rich through the creation of dynamite that he all the funds he left for his Nobel Foundation have been used to create the various Nobel Prizes and recognize significant scientific advances, like Al Gore' Powerpoint Presentation and Bono's....well, whatever it is that Bono does. Besides singing, of course.
1. Thomas Midgley, Jr.
When: During the early-mid 20th century on the East Coast of the You Ese.
The Situation: Midgley was a mechanical engineer/chemist who added lead to gasoline for General Motors to prevent engines from internally combusting, a practice which was soon adopted by all American car companies.
The Irony: The addition of lead into gasoline released a dangerous amount of lead in the atmosphere, causing health problems all over the world. He even got lead poisoning himself and had to take a long vacation. After that vacation, he took part in the GM Chemical Company to produce it, but 8 team members died of overexposure and caused GM and Standard Oil to create the Ethyl Gasoline Company to produce lead, using an even more dangerous temperature. Workers quickly were overcome with insanity, hallucinations, poisoning, and death. To demonstrate its safety, Midgley poured lead all over his hands and breathed it in through his nose for 60 seconds straight. The plant was shut down by the state of New Jersey and if you get shut down by New Jersey for health violations, then you know something might be a little wrong. He also created Freon, a CFC that damaged the atmosphere heavily, and received a few awards. He eventually died after getting polio, probably naturally (sarcasm alert), and strangling himself in the strings holding up his limbs. Midgley was quoted as "having the single greatest affect on the atmosphere more than any single organism on Earth." His nickname is the adoringly put together "The Man who Destroyed the Atmosphere." Which is funny because, you know, he kinda did.
Well I'm glad to be back after my short yet noticeable absence from the blog. I'll be back more frequently from now, I promise. Hopefully I've cleared up your definition of irony and you got a little chuckle out of some the events that took place on this blog, even though most of them were kinda tragic. I won't take up too much more of your time, since I'm sure you have better things to do. And if you don't, you should really get a hobby. Until I see your lovely faces again, vá parafuso se!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
When the Judge and Jury are the Executioner
Nowadays, capital punishment, where it still exists, is (in some places, at least) much more civil and organized than it was back in the day. Since human rights groups go ape shit over every capital punishment, many states and European countries have abolished the death penalty altogether. Not to worry, we aren't here to get into a debate over capital punishment, as that would be too ordinary for a blog such as this. In today's capital punishment world, there's basically two choices of execution: lethal injection or the chair. Unless your in China, there's not much to "choose" from anymore. So let's go back a-ways, to where and when there were better options if you were going to get killed by the state. These are the 7 Most Painful Forms of Execution Used in the Past. These will be especially cringe-worthy, a different sort of cringe-worthy, though, than the current season of "Entourage." Ugh, that's like a whole different kind of capital punishment.
[I was going to add pictures to go with the descriptions, but out of respect for those that were killed, and because my blog is not the script for "Saw VI", I decided not to. All are readily available on a google image search, but I advise against it.]
7. Breaking Wheel
When Used? Started in Ancient Greece and was popular all the way through the French Revolution
Description: The perp is tied to a wheel, with their arms in legs placed between two spokes. They are then spun around and hit by a club in these limbs, breaking numerous bones. In essence, they are cudgeled to death, which is a pretty painful word yet way to die. What makes this method so painful is that, it's basically like having your limbs tied down to make you into an "X" across, with your limbs still supporting your body weight. Then imagine having all these limbs broken in numerous places, yet still supporting your body weight. Or, imagine doing the reverse cowgirl with Roseanne. If you actually imagined that, I apologize for the loss of your sex drive.
How Long to Die? Occasionally, a merciful crowd would allow the executioner to give a "blow of mercy," that would cause death much sooner. Without that blow, it would take multiple hours, occasionally up to a day or two, before the victim would die of shock and dehydration.
6. Boiling
When Used? All the way from the late 12th century up until the 17th century, although it has been used sparingly after that.
Description: Well, there's not much to describe. It's like making coffee, except there's a person in there. Other liquids were used, such as oil, tar, and, if the executioner was having a shitty day, molten lead. Which presumably would make you look like Han Solo in carbonate. The victim was usually thrown in head first to speed up the process and death would eventually be by "frying." And you wonder where they got the idea for KFC? Although it was an older form of punishment, crazy motherfuckers Idi Amin (he of Forest Whitaker's "The Last King of Scotland") of Uganda and Islmov Karimov (he of Central Asia's most torturous country, Uzbekistan) have been accused of using boiling as a form of torture. Amin was also accused of cannibalism. I'll end there.
How Long to Die? Put a pot of water to a flame, wait til boil, cook for 15-30 minutes, depending on how cruel you are, and wah-la!
5. Ling Chi
When Used? Was used in China from the 10th Century until it was abolished in 1909. The Chinese plan to hold a rally for 1,000 lucky girls to celebrate the "100 Year Anniversary of Ling Chi" next year.
Description: Also known as "slow cutting," Lingchi was reserved for the worst offenders back in China. The offender was tied to a wooden frame. While tied down, pieces of flesh would be slowly cut away from his body from all different areas. To make sure the offender stayed conscious, opium was administered to dull the pain. Then, the body would be dismembered by cutting off the limbs, then death would be administered by a stab to the heart or a effective cutting off of the head. The Western world extremely exaggerated the process of Lindchi, calling it "death by a thousand cuts." In fact, there was probably less than 10 cuts. But that would be the LAST time the Western World would exaggerate anything about a different culture. Ever.
How Long to Die? Although some Westerners thought the process took hours upon end, it actually took no more than 15-20 minutes, sometimes shorter. Most of the damage took place after the perp was no longer alive, making it much more moral.
4. Necklacing
When Used? Mostly during apartheid during the 1980's and 90's in South Africa, but it has occurred ever since then, just not sanctioned by....anyone.
Description: While there may be more painful ways to die on our countdown, necklacing wins my award for creativity. Take a rubber tire, fill it with gasoline, put the tire on the person you are lynching, and set it on fire. Pain ensues. After the flame burnt through the rubber, every inch of your body would be consumed with fire. The only saving grace you have is that the pain probably wouldn't last for very long. The tire would essentially "blow up" on you. Kevin Carter, a Pulitzer Prize winning award South African photographer, captured a few of these killings on camera and won himself a Pulitzer. Carter was so overcome with depression over these killings that he eventually took his own life. So you can assume they were rather brutal.
How Long to Die? About as long as a body could take a barrage of gasoline covered flames. (note: not very long)
3. Scaphism
When Used? Used in the ancient times before "BC" turned into "AD", in modern day Persia. Or Iran, where "T&A is offensive as Drew Gooden's beard!" "The Johnny"
Description: Oh, those Iranians. They sure knew how to make people suffer! In the old country, the offender would be tied with rowboats on his back. (Imagine it like an "H" with the person being the middle line) One of the boats would surely be placed under the offender's backside. Why? Oh, I'm getting there. Then, he was fed honey and milk until they developed a severe case of diarrhea. Then, honey was spread all over the offenders body to attract insects. After that, they were put out to sea. The poop collected in the boat, attracting ever more insects. The offenders flesh would be exposed and the insects would eat or breed within the exposed flesh. The lucky ones developed gangreene. If you call that lucky, which I most certainly do not. (If you DO call that lucky, you sir are offensive) Presumably, when you finally die, you look like the guy from the third "Indiana Jones" who picked the wrong chalice. (That's 2 straight blogs with Indiana Jones references! Let's see how long I can keep that up)
How Long to Die? Well, you can imagine it would be a very long time. Since the offenders were often re-fed, many lasted for up to two weeks or longer before finally expiring like milk in my old apartment's fridge.
2. Sawing
When Used? Biblical times during the Roman Empire, but also occurred in Asia and the Middle East.
Description: Not to be confused with the never ending horror franchise, sawing was a awfully painful way to go. The condemned were hung upside down, spreadeagled. You know that region between your backside and your frontside private areas? Well, starting there, you would be sawed in half. However, if you were in Asia, you'd be standing up, which had to be preferable. What really sucks about this method (for the victim, not the people watching. In fact, this would be the best part for people watching) is that, since you are hanging upside down, there is a continuous blood supply to your brain so that you stay conscious for much longer and feel much more pain. To no surprise, Roman Emperor Caligula absolutely adored this method of torture. Then again, Caligula prostituted his sisters and tried to make his horse a priest. So this was like foreplay.
How Long to Die? The victim would obviously be experiencing an immense amount of pain during this entire process and would probably live until a few moments after important (read: necessary for life) veins were cut in the abdomen (the stomach, for you laymen and retarded people). You could say that these victims were dis-membered (think about it....wait for it...OK! let's move on)
1. Hanging, Drawing, and Quartering
When Used? Was used in England for high treason (not to be confused with sober treason) from 1251 until it was abolished in 1870.
Description: You must figure that, number one on this list, this must be fucked up. Well, you're right. This is all one punishment, not three separate ones. To start off, the offender is dragged on a wooden board to the place where this freak show was happening. Then, the offender was hanged until right before he was dead, but barely conscious. OK, that sounds fair. After that, the executioner laid him back on the wooden board and chopped off his manhood like Emeril on an carrot. Then, the merciful man cuts the man open and removes his bowels, then proceeds to set the man's penis and internal organs on fire, while the penis and organs are outside the man's body and the man is still alive. Because that wasn't enough for English people (when is it ever enough for the English?), the man's arms, legs, and head were all cut off and since that's STILL not enough, all the limbs including the head were put on public display. The most famous case may have been William Wallace, he of Mel Gibson's non-Jew hating masterpiece Braveheart.
How Long to Die? I'd imagine it couldn't take all that long, seeing as the blood loss, the almost broken neck, and the lack of a penis. Guy Fawkes, he of V for Vendetta fame, was the smartest man to ever be sentenced to this punishment. He jumped off the gallows to ensure his neck would be broken immediately and avoid the entire punishment. Anyone who commits treason against Britain is fine by me. Unless it would somehow hurt Kate Beckinsale. Then you better make it up to me with some good-ass porn.
Hopefully this satisfied your quench for a blog. I can only do so much work on this thing. I'll try and get another one up before this weekend, as the girlfriend is coming to town and there probably will be a severe lack of blogging goodness. Remember though kiddies, torture isn't funny unless you're being tickled by Gisele Bündchen. THEN it's funny. Fuck you, Tom Brady. Sampai Jumpa, everyone else!
[I was going to add pictures to go with the descriptions, but out of respect for those that were killed, and because my blog is not the script for "Saw VI", I decided not to. All are readily available on a google image search, but I advise against it.]
7. Breaking Wheel
When Used? Started in Ancient Greece and was popular all the way through the French Revolution
Description: The perp is tied to a wheel, with their arms in legs placed between two spokes. They are then spun around and hit by a club in these limbs, breaking numerous bones. In essence, they are cudgeled to death, which is a pretty painful word yet way to die. What makes this method so painful is that, it's basically like having your limbs tied down to make you into an "X" across, with your limbs still supporting your body weight. Then imagine having all these limbs broken in numerous places, yet still supporting your body weight. Or, imagine doing the reverse cowgirl with Roseanne. If you actually imagined that, I apologize for the loss of your sex drive.
How Long to Die? Occasionally, a merciful crowd would allow the executioner to give a "blow of mercy," that would cause death much sooner. Without that blow, it would take multiple hours, occasionally up to a day or two, before the victim would die of shock and dehydration.
6. Boiling
When Used? All the way from the late 12th century up until the 17th century, although it has been used sparingly after that.
Description: Well, there's not much to describe. It's like making coffee, except there's a person in there. Other liquids were used, such as oil, tar, and, if the executioner was having a shitty day, molten lead. Which presumably would make you look like Han Solo in carbonate. The victim was usually thrown in head first to speed up the process and death would eventually be by "frying." And you wonder where they got the idea for KFC? Although it was an older form of punishment, crazy motherfuckers Idi Amin (he of Forest Whitaker's "The Last King of Scotland") of Uganda and Islmov Karimov (he of Central Asia's most torturous country, Uzbekistan) have been accused of using boiling as a form of torture. Amin was also accused of cannibalism. I'll end there.
How Long to Die? Put a pot of water to a flame, wait til boil, cook for 15-30 minutes, depending on how cruel you are, and wah-la!
5. Ling Chi
When Used? Was used in China from the 10th Century until it was abolished in 1909. The Chinese plan to hold a rally for 1,000 lucky girls to celebrate the "100 Year Anniversary of Ling Chi" next year.
Description: Also known as "slow cutting," Lingchi was reserved for the worst offenders back in China. The offender was tied to a wooden frame. While tied down, pieces of flesh would be slowly cut away from his body from all different areas. To make sure the offender stayed conscious, opium was administered to dull the pain. Then, the body would be dismembered by cutting off the limbs, then death would be administered by a stab to the heart or a effective cutting off of the head. The Western world extremely exaggerated the process of Lindchi, calling it "death by a thousand cuts." In fact, there was probably less than 10 cuts. But that would be the LAST time the Western World would exaggerate anything about a different culture. Ever.
How Long to Die? Although some Westerners thought the process took hours upon end, it actually took no more than 15-20 minutes, sometimes shorter. Most of the damage took place after the perp was no longer alive, making it much more moral.
4. Necklacing
When Used? Mostly during apartheid during the 1980's and 90's in South Africa, but it has occurred ever since then, just not sanctioned by....anyone.
Description: While there may be more painful ways to die on our countdown, necklacing wins my award for creativity. Take a rubber tire, fill it with gasoline, put the tire on the person you are lynching, and set it on fire. Pain ensues. After the flame burnt through the rubber, every inch of your body would be consumed with fire. The only saving grace you have is that the pain probably wouldn't last for very long. The tire would essentially "blow up" on you. Kevin Carter, a Pulitzer Prize winning award South African photographer, captured a few of these killings on camera and won himself a Pulitzer. Carter was so overcome with depression over these killings that he eventually took his own life. So you can assume they were rather brutal.
How Long to Die? About as long as a body could take a barrage of gasoline covered flames. (note: not very long)
3. Scaphism
When Used? Used in the ancient times before "BC" turned into "AD", in modern day Persia. Or Iran, where "T&A is offensive as Drew Gooden's beard!" "The Johnny"
Description: Oh, those Iranians. They sure knew how to make people suffer! In the old country, the offender would be tied with rowboats on his back. (Imagine it like an "H" with the person being the middle line) One of the boats would surely be placed under the offender's backside. Why? Oh, I'm getting there. Then, he was fed honey and milk until they developed a severe case of diarrhea. Then, honey was spread all over the offenders body to attract insects. After that, they were put out to sea. The poop collected in the boat, attracting ever more insects. The offenders flesh would be exposed and the insects would eat or breed within the exposed flesh. The lucky ones developed gangreene. If you call that lucky, which I most certainly do not. (If you DO call that lucky, you sir are offensive) Presumably, when you finally die, you look like the guy from the third "Indiana Jones" who picked the wrong chalice. (That's 2 straight blogs with Indiana Jones references! Let's see how long I can keep that up)
How Long to Die? Well, you can imagine it would be a very long time. Since the offenders were often re-fed, many lasted for up to two weeks or longer before finally expiring like milk in my old apartment's fridge.
2. Sawing
When Used? Biblical times during the Roman Empire, but also occurred in Asia and the Middle East.
Description: Not to be confused with the never ending horror franchise, sawing was a awfully painful way to go. The condemned were hung upside down, spreadeagled. You know that region between your backside and your frontside private areas? Well, starting there, you would be sawed in half. However, if you were in Asia, you'd be standing up, which had to be preferable. What really sucks about this method (for the victim, not the people watching. In fact, this would be the best part for people watching) is that, since you are hanging upside down, there is a continuous blood supply to your brain so that you stay conscious for much longer and feel much more pain. To no surprise, Roman Emperor Caligula absolutely adored this method of torture. Then again, Caligula prostituted his sisters and tried to make his horse a priest. So this was like foreplay.
How Long to Die? The victim would obviously be experiencing an immense amount of pain during this entire process and would probably live until a few moments after important (read: necessary for life) veins were cut in the abdomen (the stomach, for you laymen and retarded people). You could say that these victims were dis-membered (think about it....wait for it...OK! let's move on)
1. Hanging, Drawing, and Quartering
When Used? Was used in England for high treason (not to be confused with sober treason) from 1251 until it was abolished in 1870.
Description: You must figure that, number one on this list, this must be fucked up. Well, you're right. This is all one punishment, not three separate ones. To start off, the offender is dragged on a wooden board to the place where this freak show was happening. Then, the offender was hanged until right before he was dead, but barely conscious. OK, that sounds fair. After that, the executioner laid him back on the wooden board and chopped off his manhood like Emeril on an carrot. Then, the merciful man cuts the man open and removes his bowels, then proceeds to set the man's penis and internal organs on fire, while the penis and organs are outside the man's body and the man is still alive. Because that wasn't enough for English people (when is it ever enough for the English?), the man's arms, legs, and head were all cut off and since that's STILL not enough, all the limbs including the head were put on public display. The most famous case may have been William Wallace, he of Mel Gibson's non-Jew hating masterpiece Braveheart.
How Long to Die? I'd imagine it couldn't take all that long, seeing as the blood loss, the almost broken neck, and the lack of a penis. Guy Fawkes, he of V for Vendetta fame, was the smartest man to ever be sentenced to this punishment. He jumped off the gallows to ensure his neck would be broken immediately and avoid the entire punishment. Anyone who commits treason against Britain is fine by me. Unless it would somehow hurt Kate Beckinsale. Then you better make it up to me with some good-ass porn.
Hopefully this satisfied your quench for a blog. I can only do so much work on this thing. I'll try and get another one up before this weekend, as the girlfriend is coming to town and there probably will be a severe lack of blogging goodness. Remember though kiddies, torture isn't funny unless you're being tickled by Gisele Bündchen. THEN it's funny. Fuck you, Tom Brady. Sampai Jumpa, everyone else!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Double the Pleasure, Minus the Fun
In lieu of the new Bond film coming out, I've decided to do a semi-tribute (even though I wrote about Bond girls a few weeks ago). Secret agents are not only a thing of film. Oh, no. They do exist in the reality we all know and love. Not all of them are very good. And since I'm clearly not going to find any information on good secret agents (as they will still be a "secret", thus the name), I'm going to tell you about some of the most interesting one that were exposed. Here they are, The Top 7 Double Agents That I Could Find. And stop getting on me about my last post being about anime. It was about comic books, you fuckers, and not all these blogs can be winners. This isn't the Coen Brothers' blog, you know.
7. Mata Hari
Who Thought What: Was working with her home country, the Netherlands, and French military intelligence, who accused her of spying for Germany.
Do Any Good? Well, since no one is so sure that Mata was really a spy, no one really knows if she really provided any intelligence to the Germans at all. Hari was a very famous Dutch exotic dancer during World War I and had many "clients" in the French military, so it's entirely possible she was a dirty, dirty spy. She may have not done that much good spying, but I'm sure she made more than enough army officers happy. I mean, she did have a sexual relationship with William, German Crown Prince who was nicknamed the "Clown Prince", but I'm sure he made up for it with that famous German wit.
Exposure: During World War I, Mata Hari told British intelligence officers she was working for the French. However, the French intercepted a series of messages from the Germans, which identified Hari as a spy for the lovely Krauts. (Who wouldn't want to spy for Germany during World War I?!) The problem was that the Germans knew the French had already broken this code but sent it anyway. This would lead a sane person to believe that the messages were contrived and made up. However, French people are neither sane nor pleasant and, thus, executed Mata Hari by firing squad.
6. Oleg Gordievsky
Who Thought What: Was a Soviet agent in the 70s spying on the Brits, who later recruited Oleg to spy for The Queen.
Do Any Good? Again, it's hard to say what actual intelligence was actually gathered for the British but Oleg was quite an agent for the Russia. He helped avert a Russian nuclear attack on Britain and identified Gorbochov as a worthy successor long before anyone else. One thing he didn't do? Change his name to something easier to spell so I didn't have to back to his wikipedia page 5 times to check if I was right. Fuck you, first person ever named Gordievsky.
Exposure: Soon, Oleg was outed to the Soviets by an American CIA double-agent fuck and ordered back to the USSR. He was arrested and questioned by eventually escaped his home with help from MI6 and was granted asylum. He's lived in Britain and is now useless, as he can't spy on anyone. However, he has written a few books about the KGB and was poisoned last year when he took Xanax a Russian gave him, while me thinks he deserved to be poisoned if he took a xanax a Russian gave him. Geez, that's like an American going to Iran to have open-heart surgery. C'mon, Oleg, your better than that.
5. Donald Duart Maclean
Who Thought What: A British diplomat who started spying for the Soviets during WWII.
Do Any Good? Well, I guess it depends on your definition of "good." If by "good" you mean "helped the Soviets develop the atomic bomb by giving them critical information about the Americans' weapons programs and allow them to figure out the exact nature of the American's nuclear arsenal." And if that is your definition of "good" than allow me to call you a communist sympathizer. Maclean also gave Stalin information that helped the Soviets blockade Berlin after the war, creating socialist East Germany, and helping to train the North Korean army during the Korean War which eventually turned North Korea into Communist North Korea. So he created two socialist states and helped progress the Cold War. AND he was gay. With other Soviet/British double agents, no less. I'm not sure on the exact criteria for going to hell, but I'm pretty sure this guys on the same level there as Dick Cheney's soul.
Exposure: Maclean was outed by an Soviet defector to America, who was later found dead via "suicide." Later on, Maclean was going to be outed to British intelligence when he and other Soviet spies concocted an escape plan into the Soviet Union. Eventually, Maclean assimilated into the USSR where he lived with his wife, who left him for one of the other spies that helped him escape, which is something like irony but I'm not quite sure what. Whatever the case may be, Maclean fucked over the Brits like a two-dollar проститутка. Spaceba bolshoi, comrades.
4. Kim Philby
Who Thought What: Was a British agent working for the KGB. Also known as "A Normal British Agent during World War II." And they wonder why they got the shit bombed out of them.
Do Any Good? Philby was already working for the Soviets when he applied for a job at MI6 during WWII. Philby had access to information on numerous British agents and smuggled info to the Soviets throughout the war. After the war, Philby's last assignment was to investigate Donald Maclean, a member of the same group of traitors and the previous mofo' on this list. However, since Philby already knew about Maclean and was kind of doing the same thing, nothing really got done since it was like a kid who was all the test answers on his hand with the teacher none the wiser. Instead he helped Maclean escape but mind-bogglingly, Philby was not discovered as a member of the same group of spies until....
Exposure: In 1962, while working for the Brits in Beirut (that's Lebanon, for you geography-challenged folk), Philby was outed when an agent overhead a woman talking to her at a party. That's kind of like your ex-girlfriend talking to someone about you while the girl your trying to sleep with overhears how small your junk is. Basically, your fucked (and not in the way you want to be). Philby was confronted by an old friend of his in Beirut and either confessed or downplayed the charges (depending on how much vodka Philby had). However, during the investigation, Philby disappeared before he resurfaced in Russia, where he sent postcards to MI6 saying "Ha Ha!". Philby started to drink like Colin Farrell at a never-ending open bar while in Moscow and stole his friends wife before he ended that affair. The Soviets sobered him up, got him a young wife, and gave him a job and a book deal. He died there and was granted a hero's funeral, which the Brits considered "crashing like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers" but decided that Russian women aren't worth the trip. Now, you can see Philby's mug on some Russian stamps, which they use on official documents to Britain.
3. Eddie Chapman
Who Thought What: In a remarkable change of pace, Chapman was recruited by the Germans during WWII, before being recruited to work for the British against Germany.
Do Any Good? Chapman actually did quite a bit of good for the Brits during the war, even going as far as to offer himself up in a suicide attack against Hitler, which was wisely declined by the British, because if they did that, the Nazi's would've been badly crippled. Anyways, Chapman gave the Nazi's false info about the V-1 and V-2's missle accuracy, allowing the bombs to land outside of London. Chapman went to Norway, which was under German control, to "help the Germans" but continued to supply them with false information throughout the war.
Exposure: Chapman wasn't exposed by the Germans until after the war, when he was living comfortably in Britain on the German's stipend. He lived in many posh areas of London, got out of many criminal offenses because of his war-time services. He also received royalties for being portrayed in a movie and owned a castle in Dublin, where he also had a "Health Farm" which was probably more like a "Herb Farm" or something. Amazingly, during the war, Chapman was married to a girl in England and a girl in Norway, both under protection by the respective host governments. However, after the war, he ditched both of them for his previous flame and married her instead. Ouch. Talk about a cool dude, he was a double agent and a two-timer (or three-timer). Sounds like my life after I met that Iranian reporter in Greece. Or....does it? Let's move on, I got dinner at the Ahmadinejad's house in an hour.
2. Katrina Leung
Who Thought What: Was working for the FBI in China earlier this decade, but was actually working for the MSS (like the Chinese FBI) in China, which makes more sense if you think about it (don't).
Do Any Good? According to the FBI, Leung contaminated 20 years of FBI intelligence on China, as well as compromising all of their counterintelligence programs in China. She gained so much respect from visiting Chinese diplomats for her "hospitality" and the FBI for her "information" (that probably shouldn't be in quotes), that she was trusted with more serious projects from both sides. She even formed a relationship (unclear if it involved nookie) with the Chinese President and a relationship (clearly it involved nookie) with an FBI agent. She even got information to the CIA about China after the Tiananmen Square thinger, when information out of the country was rarer than a Asian without black hair.
Exposure: Eventually, Leung was caught on tape giving some Chinaman an American diplomat's itinerary. The FBI officer she was sleeping with, however, convinced them to keep her on as an asset without any bias in the situation whatsoever. The FBI started investigating her, finding an FBI directory, missing pictures of FBI agents, a copied top secret document given to the MSS, and found out about her affair with the FBI dude. She was arrested for what has to be the stupidest name for a simple crime "Unauthorized Copying of National Defense Information with Intent to Injure or Benefit a Foreign Nation in violation of U.S.C. 18." How bout treason or espionage or leaking classified information? Because the FBI charged her with this weak charge, she only spent 3 months in jail and 18 months probation for a crime that you can get the death penalty for. All this while marijuana traffickers are doing 2-4 at state. Guess giving away weed is worse than possibly giving away nuclear secrets. Better hide the stash (the secrets, not weed).
1. Juan Pujol (aka "Garbo")
Who Thought What: Signed up as a German agent in order to give secrets to the British.
Do Any Good? What makes Mr. Pujol so special is that, while most hated the Germans, he hated them so much he approached the British to become involved with taking them down. They declined. What most people would do in this situation is resign to the fact that they might not be able to do anything to stop Germany. Not Juan. Oh, on the contrary. Juan signed up as a German agent, with no other intent than to fuck them over harder than that Nazi chick fucked over Indy in the third Indiana Jones film. He told Germany that he was in Britain spying, but was actually in Portugal supplying them with false shipping information he found in newspapers and films. He created (read: made up) a large network of people working for him in England and was paid by Germany for all 27 of them. Finally, the Brits recruited him while he made up excuses about why his agents weren't catching certain information. He took out newspaper ads claiming they died or were arrested. He sent genuine information but postmarked it earlier than it was sent, so that by the time it got there, it would be harmless. He even informed them about Normandy but it was too late, which put him in high standing with the Germans. Later, the Germans wondered how they didn't catch all the fake names of his agents such as "Sawyer Kraut," "Fyuck Natsis," and "Faike Aliass."
Exposure: When the Germans asked Pujol to complete a mission he couldn't lie about without being compromised, the British faked his "arrest" and sent a "fake" letter of apology to the Germans, which was actually fake. He returned to work for British intelligence a few days later. Pujol is one of less than a dozen people who received medals of honor from both Germany and Britain. When asked later about that, a German official asked "Umm, year, about that. Can we maybe have that back?" To avoid being capped by angry German people, Pujol faked his own death and moved to Venezuela, where he lived under an alias until he died in 1988. The Germans contend that, even though Pujol deceived them about the nature of the Normandy Invasion, "yeah? well, we would have lost anyway. So there!" Burn, mein deutscher freund.
Well, there you have it. Perhaps I pumped you up for the new Bond movie. Perhaps I pumped you up for a new career in espionage. Either way, you can now cease to doubt my excellent skills as an informant of important information to the web community. Just don't tell the FBI (or the KGB, for that matter). I would rather avoid the gulags. Now excuse me, ladies and gents, while I go watch that "SAVED BY ZEROOOOOOOO" Toyota commercial with a sitcom in-between. Until next time, 爱你过后，我的可爱的读者. Codename "DolanSan" over and out.
7. Mata Hari
Who Thought What: Was working with her home country, the Netherlands, and French military intelligence, who accused her of spying for Germany.
Do Any Good? Well, since no one is so sure that Mata was really a spy, no one really knows if she really provided any intelligence to the Germans at all. Hari was a very famous Dutch exotic dancer during World War I and had many "clients" in the French military, so it's entirely possible she was a dirty, dirty spy. She may have not done that much good spying, but I'm sure she made more than enough army officers happy. I mean, she did have a sexual relationship with William, German Crown Prince who was nicknamed the "Clown Prince", but I'm sure he made up for it with that famous German wit.
Exposure: During World War I, Mata Hari told British intelligence officers she was working for the French. However, the French intercepted a series of messages from the Germans, which identified Hari as a spy for the lovely Krauts. (Who wouldn't want to spy for Germany during World War I?!) The problem was that the Germans knew the French had already broken this code but sent it anyway. This would lead a sane person to believe that the messages were contrived and made up. However, French people are neither sane nor pleasant and, thus, executed Mata Hari by firing squad.
6. Oleg Gordievsky
Who Thought What: Was a Soviet agent in the 70s spying on the Brits, who later recruited Oleg to spy for The Queen.
Do Any Good? Again, it's hard to say what actual intelligence was actually gathered for the British but Oleg was quite an agent for the Russia. He helped avert a Russian nuclear attack on Britain and identified Gorbochov as a worthy successor long before anyone else. One thing he didn't do? Change his name to something easier to spell so I didn't have to back to his wikipedia page 5 times to check if I was right. Fuck you, first person ever named Gordievsky.
Exposure: Soon, Oleg was outed to the Soviets by an American CIA double-agent fuck and ordered back to the USSR. He was arrested and questioned by eventually escaped his home with help from MI6 and was granted asylum. He's lived in Britain and is now useless, as he can't spy on anyone. However, he has written a few books about the KGB and was poisoned last year when he took Xanax a Russian gave him, while me thinks he deserved to be poisoned if he took a xanax a Russian gave him. Geez, that's like an American going to Iran to have open-heart surgery. C'mon, Oleg, your better than that.
5. Donald Duart Maclean
Who Thought What: A British diplomat who started spying for the Soviets during WWII.
Do Any Good? Well, I guess it depends on your definition of "good." If by "good" you mean "helped the Soviets develop the atomic bomb by giving them critical information about the Americans' weapons programs and allow them to figure out the exact nature of the American's nuclear arsenal." And if that is your definition of "good" than allow me to call you a communist sympathizer. Maclean also gave Stalin information that helped the Soviets blockade Berlin after the war, creating socialist East Germany, and helping to train the North Korean army during the Korean War which eventually turned North Korea into Communist North Korea. So he created two socialist states and helped progress the Cold War. AND he was gay. With other Soviet/British double agents, no less. I'm not sure on the exact criteria for going to hell, but I'm pretty sure this guys on the same level there as Dick Cheney's soul.
Exposure: Maclean was outed by an Soviet defector to America, who was later found dead via "suicide." Later on, Maclean was going to be outed to British intelligence when he and other Soviet spies concocted an escape plan into the Soviet Union. Eventually, Maclean assimilated into the USSR where he lived with his wife, who left him for one of the other spies that helped him escape, which is something like irony but I'm not quite sure what. Whatever the case may be, Maclean fucked over the Brits like a two-dollar проститутка. Spaceba bolshoi, comrades.
4. Kim Philby
Who Thought What: Was a British agent working for the KGB. Also known as "A Normal British Agent during World War II." And they wonder why they got the shit bombed out of them.
Do Any Good? Philby was already working for the Soviets when he applied for a job at MI6 during WWII. Philby had access to information on numerous British agents and smuggled info to the Soviets throughout the war. After the war, Philby's last assignment was to investigate Donald Maclean, a member of the same group of traitors and the previous mofo' on this list. However, since Philby already knew about Maclean and was kind of doing the same thing, nothing really got done since it was like a kid who was all the test answers on his hand with the teacher none the wiser. Instead he helped Maclean escape but mind-bogglingly, Philby was not discovered as a member of the same group of spies until....
Exposure: In 1962, while working for the Brits in Beirut (that's Lebanon, for you geography-challenged folk), Philby was outed when an agent overhead a woman talking to her at a party. That's kind of like your ex-girlfriend talking to someone about you while the girl your trying to sleep with overhears how small your junk is. Basically, your fucked (and not in the way you want to be). Philby was confronted by an old friend of his in Beirut and either confessed or downplayed the charges (depending on how much vodka Philby had). However, during the investigation, Philby disappeared before he resurfaced in Russia, where he sent postcards to MI6 saying "Ha Ha!". Philby started to drink like Colin Farrell at a never-ending open bar while in Moscow and stole his friends wife before he ended that affair. The Soviets sobered him up, got him a young wife, and gave him a job and a book deal. He died there and was granted a hero's funeral, which the Brits considered "crashing like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers" but decided that Russian women aren't worth the trip. Now, you can see Philby's mug on some Russian stamps, which they use on official documents to Britain.
3. Eddie Chapman
Who Thought What: In a remarkable change of pace, Chapman was recruited by the Germans during WWII, before being recruited to work for the British against Germany.
Do Any Good? Chapman actually did quite a bit of good for the Brits during the war, even going as far as to offer himself up in a suicide attack against Hitler, which was wisely declined by the British, because if they did that, the Nazi's would've been badly crippled. Anyways, Chapman gave the Nazi's false info about the V-1 and V-2's missle accuracy, allowing the bombs to land outside of London. Chapman went to Norway, which was under German control, to "help the Germans" but continued to supply them with false information throughout the war.
Exposure: Chapman wasn't exposed by the Germans until after the war, when he was living comfortably in Britain on the German's stipend. He lived in many posh areas of London, got out of many criminal offenses because of his war-time services. He also received royalties for being portrayed in a movie and owned a castle in Dublin, where he also had a "Health Farm" which was probably more like a "Herb Farm" or something. Amazingly, during the war, Chapman was married to a girl in England and a girl in Norway, both under protection by the respective host governments. However, after the war, he ditched both of them for his previous flame and married her instead. Ouch. Talk about a cool dude, he was a double agent and a two-timer (or three-timer). Sounds like my life after I met that Iranian reporter in Greece. Or....does it? Let's move on, I got dinner at the Ahmadinejad's house in an hour.
2. Katrina Leung
Who Thought What: Was working for the FBI in China earlier this decade, but was actually working for the MSS (like the Chinese FBI) in China, which makes more sense if you think about it (don't).
Do Any Good? According to the FBI, Leung contaminated 20 years of FBI intelligence on China, as well as compromising all of their counterintelligence programs in China. She gained so much respect from visiting Chinese diplomats for her "hospitality" and the FBI for her "information" (that probably shouldn't be in quotes), that she was trusted with more serious projects from both sides. She even formed a relationship (unclear if it involved nookie) with the Chinese President and a relationship (clearly it involved nookie) with an FBI agent. She even got information to the CIA about China after the Tiananmen Square thinger, when information out of the country was rarer than a Asian without black hair.
Exposure: Eventually, Leung was caught on tape giving some Chinaman an American diplomat's itinerary. The FBI officer she was sleeping with, however, convinced them to keep her on as an asset without any bias in the situation whatsoever. The FBI started investigating her, finding an FBI directory, missing pictures of FBI agents, a copied top secret document given to the MSS, and found out about her affair with the FBI dude. She was arrested for what has to be the stupidest name for a simple crime "Unauthorized Copying of National Defense Information with Intent to Injure or Benefit a Foreign Nation in violation of U.S.C. 18." How bout treason or espionage or leaking classified information? Because the FBI charged her with this weak charge, she only spent 3 months in jail and 18 months probation for a crime that you can get the death penalty for. All this while marijuana traffickers are doing 2-4 at state. Guess giving away weed is worse than possibly giving away nuclear secrets. Better hide the stash (the secrets, not weed).
1. Juan Pujol (aka "Garbo")
Who Thought What: Signed up as a German agent in order to give secrets to the British.
Do Any Good? What makes Mr. Pujol so special is that, while most hated the Germans, he hated them so much he approached the British to become involved with taking them down. They declined. What most people would do in this situation is resign to the fact that they might not be able to do anything to stop Germany. Not Juan. Oh, on the contrary. Juan signed up as a German agent, with no other intent than to fuck them over harder than that Nazi chick fucked over Indy in the third Indiana Jones film. He told Germany that he was in Britain spying, but was actually in Portugal supplying them with false shipping information he found in newspapers and films. He created (read: made up) a large network of people working for him in England and was paid by Germany for all 27 of them. Finally, the Brits recruited him while he made up excuses about why his agents weren't catching certain information. He took out newspaper ads claiming they died or were arrested. He sent genuine information but postmarked it earlier than it was sent, so that by the time it got there, it would be harmless. He even informed them about Normandy but it was too late, which put him in high standing with the Germans. Later, the Germans wondered how they didn't catch all the fake names of his agents such as "Sawyer Kraut," "Fyuck Natsis," and "Faike Aliass."
Exposure: When the Germans asked Pujol to complete a mission he couldn't lie about without being compromised, the British faked his "arrest" and sent a "fake" letter of apology to the Germans, which was actually fake. He returned to work for British intelligence a few days later. Pujol is one of less than a dozen people who received medals of honor from both Germany and Britain. When asked later about that, a German official asked "Umm, year, about that. Can we maybe have that back?" To avoid being capped by angry German people, Pujol faked his own death and moved to Venezuela, where he lived under an alias until he died in 1988. The Germans contend that, even though Pujol deceived them about the nature of the Normandy Invasion, "yeah? well, we would have lost anyway. So there!" Burn, mein deutscher freund.
Well, there you have it. Perhaps I pumped you up for the new Bond movie. Perhaps I pumped you up for a new career in espionage. Either way, you can now cease to doubt my excellent skills as an informant of important information to the web community. Just don't tell the FBI (or the KGB, for that matter). I would rather avoid the gulags. Now excuse me, ladies and gents, while I go watch that "SAVED BY ZEROOOOOOOO" Toyota commercial with a sitcom in-between. Until next time, 爱你过后，我的可爱的读者. Codename "DolanSan" over and out.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I'm Drawn To You
Everybody loves pretty things. Except goth kids and anarchists, but who cares about them? Not me, that's who. But I digress. Pretty things are great to look at, especially when they complete the simple, yet horrifying task of turning you on. Then you have those people who find art beautiful. Then you have nerds who think pretty things in art are beautiful. Sexy, even. I, Michael Dolan, am one of those nerds. And that's why I've decided to enlighten (correction: weird you out) you with the 7 Sexiest Foreign-Born Comic Book Characters I didn't even get the idea from the comic-book obsessed Cracked.com, which makes you wonder: what goes through someone's brain to make them think of something like this? I'll tell you: sleeping pills, tequila, and anime. At the same time.
7. Cutey Honey
Country of Origin: Where else? In a numerous amount of different media in Japan, the kings of animation (but not hotness).
Powers: Cutey Honey, by screaming "Honey Flash!", can turn into any persona of herself she wants. In other words, if she wants to be a nurse she just shouts "Honey Flash!" and she's herself if she was a nurse. She also has superhuman strength and her sword projects a beam of energy. Also, when she's changing persona's, her clothes come off, which projects most men's (uhh...in the comic book, that is) "beams" of energy. See what I did there? I'm thinking she only dates guys who are really kinky and have lots of fantasies. I mean, think about it: you'd be having sex with the same person, yet she's a different person, every time. Also, we need to move on because I'm thinking about this way too much for me to be comfortable with myself.
6. Lilith
Country of Origin: Wait until you get this: she's from Israel. She's a Jewish superhero. Now THAT you can't make up.
Powers: Little is known about Lilith since reading Hebrew gives people headaches and Mad Cow disease. All that's known is that she helps The Golem fight crime with her super strength given to her in experiments when she was young. Her official title is "Lilith, Protector of the Jewish People." Which means shes a banker. (I love Jewish humor, BTW) She also has big cans and wears very little to cover them up (I love Jewish boobs too, BTW). Her enemies include: Nazis, Palestinians, and T-shirts. My kind of girl (except for the Jewish part).
5. Infama
Country of Origin: Not surprisingly, the Canadians have to draw their hot people. Except for Nelly Furtado, she' alright. (I actually had to look up "hot Canadians" to find one. Ahh, the hot Canadian, an elusive breed)
Powers: Infama is basically a sorcerer. She has a gem in her throat that allows her to think up anything her little heart desires and make it real, as long as she can concentrate on it. Again, something that could be useful in the bedroom (or wherever else you can imagine with her!). The gem also builds up her physical abilities, such as stamina, flexibility, power, heat generation, soft wet lips, and....I'm going to stop before you stop reading, I'm clearly talking about things she could use during sex. Back to her powers. In the comic, she's naked alot. So is her arch-enemy (Infama is the villain) Sinnamon, who is also way hot (for a comic book character, I have to keep saying it so I might believe it). But we'll see her later. I mean, you just got love the boots that span half her leg and the leather that (presumably) covers her up. Other than that, she can work her magic on me anytime.
4. Sinnamon
Country of Origin: Canada, which is surprisingly pretty slutty. Need me a trip to Toronto.
Powers: Besides being a professional superhero, Sinnamon is practically wearing no clothes. I've seen porn where people had more clothes on. Besides that, she can fly, has super-strength, and uses "force blasts" as her main weapon, which I'm sure has to do with sex in some way. She often fights against our previous super-villian/fake hottie, Infama. One of her other "special" powers is invulnerability. Now, I'm not quite sure what that means, but I'm thinking it means she nothing can get into her body at all. Which is a shame, because she looks very horny. Little else is known about Sinnamon, except what she looks like naked. (see: very nice)
3. Velta
Country of Origin: I will present you with this argument: Brazil has the hottest women per capita, real or otherwise.
Powers: Ms. Velta here can transform into a 7 foot Amazonian woman, which doesn't SOUND that hot, but you aren't me and everybody's different damnit. Besides that, her skin is resistant to heat, she can heal instantly (kind of like that other blonde chick from "Heroes"), and is completely immune to disease. That's not the best thing about this sex P.I., oh no. Velta can fire blasts of light, electricity, or other forces out of any part of her body. Oh yes, you know what I'm thinking. Or DO you? (yeah, you do) Be careful though, boys. She's not in the game for justice, she's in it for pure excitement and money. So, I'm not saying she's a gold digger....but she ain't hanging with no broke espanolas (cue Jaime Foxx's high pitched lyrics). Superhero Velta does have a boyfriend named Gilberto in the comics but....well, it only takes a few Cuba Libres and a shot of tequila to get her out of that. (Brazilians are slutty)
2. Pyre-Anna
Country of Origin: Again, Canada? Really? They have to have some sort of inferiority complex. I just can't think of another reason why they have so many slutty, hot comic book characters. I mean, could they even fight crime like that in Canada? It's fucking freezing up there.
Powers: Wow! Pyre-Anna is smokin'! Besides being a pun waiting to happen, Pyre-Anna can generate heat and fire from her hands, which would be useful in battle, but not if your getting a handjob from her. She also is immune to heat and has razor sharp teeth, making a blowjob from her even more terrifying than a handjob. How did she get these magical powers, you ask (or even if you don't)? By brushing her teeth with tainted toothpaste! Always check the labels, kids! Pyre-Anna is Sinnamon's and an ice sculpter's worst enemy. Throughout all this, even her yellow, jaundiced-like eyes are somehow appealing. The only concern one would have about getting "involved" with her would be being able to tell if you were feeling like you were on fire while engaging in naughty activities or if you were actually, you know, on fire. 'Cause that would burn even more than gonorrhea.
1. Mirza
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Country of Origin: What's in the water down there in Brazil? Not fish, because over-fishing is one of the biggest problems they have down there! [citation needed]
Powers: Mirza here is a vampire (or is it vampiress?) of ultra-hot proportions. She is also a top-model and a member of high-society. In the comic book. She's an immigrant from what sounds like a Russian or like country, born in the 7th century. Imagine the experience! In vampiring, I mean. She's had to pick up all SORTS of tricks throughout her years. Maybe it's just me (it definitely is), but the thought of her moving in on your neck, not knowing if she's going to kiss you or suck your blood....that's hot. All she does in Brazil is seducing men, women, and whoever (whomever? when do you use whomever? is that actually even a word?) crosses her ultra-hot path. I'm actually not quite sure what the comic book is about. This sounds like a porn that tries to have a clever plot. Whatever, its fine with me. It's probably just my opinion on this, but there is NOTHING hotter than a hot vampire. And if you get bitten and transformed into a vampire? Well, my friends, that's just more time you get to have blood-thirsty sex with Mirza. An ETERNITY! Why don't I live in Brazil again, Subconcious of Self? "Because she's fake and if you moved to Brazil you'd be mugged, killed, and raped, in that order, within a month."
Oh, yeah.
Well, I bet you guys weren't expecting that for a topic! Don't ask me how I came up with this idea or what is wrong with my brain for continually mentioning having sex with comic book characters throughout this blog. Truth is, I don't know. But I've got as good a chance of having sex with one of these characters as I do with Nastia Liukin. Which is .001%, if that. (Cue Jim Carrey: "So your saying there's a chance!") Anyways, I've had enough comics and blogging for today. So let's go out on a Brazilian saying "aqui está comediante canadense Jon Lajoie!"
7. Cutey Honey
Country of Origin: Where else? In a numerous amount of different media in Japan, the kings of animation (but not hotness).
Powers: Cutey Honey, by screaming "Honey Flash!", can turn into any persona of herself she wants. In other words, if she wants to be a nurse she just shouts "Honey Flash!" and she's herself if she was a nurse. She also has superhuman strength and her sword projects a beam of energy. Also, when she's changing persona's, her clothes come off, which projects most men's (uhh...in the comic book, that is) "beams" of energy. See what I did there? I'm thinking she only dates guys who are really kinky and have lots of fantasies. I mean, think about it: you'd be having sex with the same person, yet she's a different person, every time. Also, we need to move on because I'm thinking about this way too much for me to be comfortable with myself.
6. Lilith
Country of Origin: Wait until you get this: she's from Israel. She's a Jewish superhero. Now THAT you can't make up.
Powers: Little is known about Lilith since reading Hebrew gives people headaches and Mad Cow disease. All that's known is that she helps The Golem fight crime with her super strength given to her in experiments when she was young. Her official title is "Lilith, Protector of the Jewish People." Which means shes a banker. (I love Jewish humor, BTW) She also has big cans and wears very little to cover them up (I love Jewish boobs too, BTW). Her enemies include: Nazis, Palestinians, and T-shirts. My kind of girl (except for the Jewish part).
5. Infama
Country of Origin: Not surprisingly, the Canadians have to draw their hot people. Except for Nelly Furtado, she' alright. (I actually had to look up "hot Canadians" to find one. Ahh, the hot Canadian, an elusive breed)
Powers: Infama is basically a sorcerer. She has a gem in her throat that allows her to think up anything her little heart desires and make it real, as long as she can concentrate on it. Again, something that could be useful in the bedroom (or wherever else you can imagine with her!). The gem also builds up her physical abilities, such as stamina, flexibility, power, heat generation, soft wet lips, and....I'm going to stop before you stop reading, I'm clearly talking about things she could use during sex. Back to her powers. In the comic, she's naked alot. So is her arch-enemy (Infama is the villain) Sinnamon, who is also way hot (for a comic book character, I have to keep saying it so I might believe it). But we'll see her later. I mean, you just got love the boots that span half her leg and the leather that (presumably) covers her up. Other than that, she can work her magic on me anytime.
4. Sinnamon
Country of Origin: Canada, which is surprisingly pretty slutty. Need me a trip to Toronto.
Powers: Besides being a professional superhero, Sinnamon is practically wearing no clothes. I've seen porn where people had more clothes on. Besides that, she can fly, has super-strength, and uses "force blasts" as her main weapon, which I'm sure has to do with sex in some way. She often fights against our previous super-villian/fake hottie, Infama. One of her other "special" powers is invulnerability. Now, I'm not quite sure what that means, but I'm thinking it means she nothing can get into her body at all. Which is a shame, because she looks very horny. Little else is known about Sinnamon, except what she looks like naked. (see: very nice)
3. Velta
Country of Origin: I will present you with this argument: Brazil has the hottest women per capita, real or otherwise.
Powers: Ms. Velta here can transform into a 7 foot Amazonian woman, which doesn't SOUND that hot, but you aren't me and everybody's different damnit. Besides that, her skin is resistant to heat, she can heal instantly (kind of like that other blonde chick from "Heroes"), and is completely immune to disease. That's not the best thing about this sex P.I., oh no. Velta can fire blasts of light, electricity, or other forces out of any part of her body. Oh yes, you know what I'm thinking. Or DO you? (yeah, you do) Be careful though, boys. She's not in the game for justice, she's in it for pure excitement and money. So, I'm not saying she's a gold digger....but she ain't hanging with no broke espanolas (cue Jaime Foxx's high pitched lyrics). Superhero Velta does have a boyfriend named Gilberto in the comics but....well, it only takes a few Cuba Libres and a shot of tequila to get her out of that. (Brazilians are slutty)
2. Pyre-Anna
Country of Origin: Again, Canada? Really? They have to have some sort of inferiority complex. I just can't think of another reason why they have so many slutty, hot comic book characters. I mean, could they even fight crime like that in Canada? It's fucking freezing up there.
Powers: Wow! Pyre-Anna is smokin'! Besides being a pun waiting to happen, Pyre-Anna can generate heat and fire from her hands, which would be useful in battle, but not if your getting a handjob from her. She also is immune to heat and has razor sharp teeth, making a blowjob from her even more terrifying than a handjob. How did she get these magical powers, you ask (or even if you don't)? By brushing her teeth with tainted toothpaste! Always check the labels, kids! Pyre-Anna is Sinnamon's and an ice sculpter's worst enemy. Throughout all this, even her yellow, jaundiced-like eyes are somehow appealing. The only concern one would have about getting "involved" with her would be being able to tell if you were feeling like you were on fire while engaging in naughty activities or if you were actually, you know, on fire. 'Cause that would burn even more than gonorrhea.
1. Mirza
-1.jpg)
Country of Origin: What's in the water down there in Brazil? Not fish, because over-fishing is one of the biggest problems they have down there! [citation needed]
Powers: Mirza here is a vampire (or is it vampiress?) of ultra-hot proportions. She is also a top-model and a member of high-society. In the comic book. She's an immigrant from what sounds like a Russian or like country, born in the 7th century. Imagine the experience! In vampiring, I mean. She's had to pick up all SORTS of tricks throughout her years. Maybe it's just me (it definitely is), but the thought of her moving in on your neck, not knowing if she's going to kiss you or suck your blood....that's hot. All she does in Brazil is seducing men, women, and whoever (whomever? when do you use whomever? is that actually even a word?) crosses her ultra-hot path. I'm actually not quite sure what the comic book is about. This sounds like a porn that tries to have a clever plot. Whatever, its fine with me. It's probably just my opinion on this, but there is NOTHING hotter than a hot vampire. And if you get bitten and transformed into a vampire? Well, my friends, that's just more time you get to have blood-thirsty sex with Mirza. An ETERNITY! Why don't I live in Brazil again, Subconcious of Self? "Because she's fake and if you moved to Brazil you'd be mugged, killed, and raped, in that order, within a month."
Oh, yeah.
Well, I bet you guys weren't expecting that for a topic! Don't ask me how I came up with this idea or what is wrong with my brain for continually mentioning having sex with comic book characters throughout this blog. Truth is, I don't know. But I've got as good a chance of having sex with one of these characters as I do with Nastia Liukin. Which is .001%, if that. (Cue Jim Carrey: "So your saying there's a chance!") Anyways, I've had enough comics and blogging for today. So let's go out on a Brazilian saying "aqui está comediante canadense Jon Lajoie!"
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The 2009 Oscar Predix
You know it. You love it. It needs no introduction. (Well, except for this little thing) These are the 2009 Oscar Predictions. Get ready. For the noise.
Best Supporting Actress
The Favorites: In a relatively weak category every year, its more of the same this year. My favs are Penelope Cruz for Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Viola Davis for the stage-to-screen adaptation of Doubt (its about a priest pedo!).
In the Middle of the Pack: Marisa Tomei (yeah, she's still alive) is getting pretty good reviews for Darren Aronofsky's (Requiem for a Dream) "The Wrestler." Also big-woman extrordinaire Kathy Bates (if she gets any screen time) in Kate and Leo's reunion in "Revolutionary Road."
Upset Special: I don't know but I hear good things from Vera Farminga in "Nothing but the Truth" and ("Yup, She's Alive!" Alert!) Kim Basinger for The Burning Plain, two films I know nothing about.
The Nom's: Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona), Viola Davis (Doubt), Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler), Vera Farmina (Nothing But the Truth), Kathy Bates (Revolutionary Road)
The Winner: From what I hear about the play, the few scenes Davis has in "Doubt" should win her the trophy. Viola Davis, for the win.
Best Supporting Actor
The Favorites: Well, obviously there's Heath Ledger for TDK who is more of a lock than Brinks Home Security. Martin Sheen in another stage-to-screen adaptation "Frost/Nixon" should get a nom, as it's a pretty baity role and he got snubbed for playing Tony Blair in "The Queen."
In the Middle of the Pack: For one, you have Josh Brolin for the Sean Penn Show "Milk" about the first gay senator to get elected. Then you got John Malkovich in the Angelina Jolie Show "Changeling" which you've probably heard about. Not on the list? Zac Efron for High School Musical 3. Who will hopefully be dead by the time this is published.
Upset Special: After last year's god-awful snub for "Into the Wild" watch out for Emilie (is it pronounced Emily or Eh-meal?). Also be careful to watch out for either Liev Schreiber or Jamie Bell in the "I'm really excited to see and it better not suck" film "Defiance".
The Nom's: Heath Ledger (TDK), Martin Sheen (Frost/Nixon), John Malkovich (Changeling), Josh Brolin (Milk), Jamie Bell (Defiance)
The Winner: Let's be honest, the other four should be happy to be nominated. I'd bet my car that Ledger takes this home. Oh, wait. Is buried with it? Too soon?
Best Actress
The Favorites: Angelina Jolie is pretty much a lock for her "The Academy Eats this shit up" role in Eastwood's "Changeling." Meryl Streep in, what looks like a winner, "Doubt" playing a nun? Check. And Kate Winslet with Leo has her "anchor" in "Revolutionary Road"? Yeah, those 3 are in like gin in my tonic.
In the Middle of the Pack: Sally Hawkins is getting good press for "Happy Go Lucky", so she could get a nom if she's....lucky. Also, Disney Princess Anne Hatheway is getting great press from her "addicts win statues" role in "Rachel Getting Married."
Upset Special: I don't see much possibility for one but if I had to pick someone it'd be Vannesa Anne Hudgens for High School Musical 3. Ha, sorry. I was kidding to the highest degree. Emily Blunt is a possibility for "The Young Victoria" but it matters little this year.
The Nom's: Angelina (Changeling), Meryl Streep (Doubt), Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road), Sally Hawkins (Happy Go Lucky), Anne Hatheway (Rachel Getting Married)
The Winner: I'd say its between Streep and Angelina for the top honors and with Angie's role being more of an academy-friendly role and more of a central character, I'd think they'll give it to Angie.
Best Actor
The Favorites: Sean Penn playing a gay senator in "Milk" = lock. Note: playing an addict, a gay, a retard, or historical figure in a bio-pic increases your chances of getting nominated tenfold. Frank Langella for playing the infamous "Tricky Dick" Nixon in Frost/Nixon. See: note above.
In the Middle of the Pack: Leo DiCaprio for his long awaited reunion with Kate in "Revolutionary Road" will probably pick up a nom. The Academy loves him. I think. Also, I'm really grappling with Aronofsky's "The Wrestler" and its star, Mickey Rourke is getting raves.
Upset Special: Depending on David Fincher's "Benjamin Button", Brad Pitt could sneak in here. Also look out for Phillip Seymour Hoffman for his role as a pedo-priest (read: a priest) in "Doubt". The Academy wants his acting babies.
The Nom's: Sean Penn (Milk), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Leo (Revolutionary Road), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)
The Winner: It really depends on how good The Wrestler really is and how well Langella can pull off Trick Dick. If either are less than spectacular, Sean Penn takes it for "Milk". Go gay for an Oscar. That's so baity Sean.
Best Director
The Favorites: Right now, there's no clear favorites but I'll give you my top 2 at the moment. I think the Academy will be eager to nominate David Fincher for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and it looks like the film has the star power (Pitt and Blanchett) to get it done. Also, with the subject matter and Penn's star power, Gus Van Sant has a real chance to "Milk" the Oscars for all they are worth.
In the Middle of the Pack: After his snub for "Moulin Rouge" back in the day, "Australia" looks like a film that Baz Luhrmann may get a nom for, as it looks like it was a tough shoot. The Academy loves Clint and they love Ron Howard, so look out for them in "Changeling" and "Frost/Nixon", respectively.
Upset Special: With no lock in this category, there's bound to be a surprise or two. Chris Nolan for The Dark Knight could very easily happen. So could Sam Mendes for "Revolutionary Road" or dare I say a Davidson-like upset for "The Wrestler"'s Darren Aronofsky (here's hoping).
The Nom's: David Fincher (Benjamin Button), Gus Van Sant (Milk), Baz Luhrmann (Australia), Clint Eastwood (Changeling), Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight)
The Winner: I honestly do not have the faintest clue as to who will win this race. I'd love for Chris Nolan to win (at least out of that field) or even David Fincher (he of "Fight Club", "Zodiac", and "Seven"). So I'll go with Fincher because I think, out of those films, "Benjamin Button" has the chance to be the best.
BEST PICTURE
The Favorites: Sean Penn's "Milk' is my only sure thing at the moment. Even that though could have a few hiccups down the stretch. Also, "The Dark Knight" is probably going to get in. It's just too big a film for the Academy not to vote for.
In the Middle of the Pack: Leo and Kate could get a best pic nom for "Revolutionary Road." There's a possibility that "Curious Case of Benjamin Button" could very well sneak in with a nom, but it might not be the Academy's cup o' tea. Other than that, I'm stumped.
Upset Special: Anything from Aronofsky's "The Wrestler, "Australia" from Baz, Howard's "Frost/Nixon", "Doubt," or even Clint's "Changeling" could make it to the top spot. But what you really should be looking at is Danny Boyle, he of "Trainspotting" and "28 Days Later...", and his film "Slumdog Millionaire." It would have to be a major upset for it to make it, but it could make a few waves, as it looks very heartwarming and is based on a true story of redemption and hope, which always gives a film a boost. (see: Shawshank)
The Nom's: Milk, The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Winner: It really all depends on how good/bad all these films actually are but right now, the film with the best buzz and best subject matter the academy will go for is "Milk". So that's my pick. FOR NOW....
That's it for this year's predix. Hope you enjoyed the look at this year's movies. Next up will be a more serious, historical blogging that you may enjoy. Stay hungry for it (hint: that's a hint). Until then, Ik zal u spoedig zien!
Best Supporting Actress
The Favorites: In a relatively weak category every year, its more of the same this year. My favs are Penelope Cruz for Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Viola Davis for the stage-to-screen adaptation of Doubt (its about a priest pedo!).
In the Middle of the Pack: Marisa Tomei (yeah, she's still alive) is getting pretty good reviews for Darren Aronofsky's (Requiem for a Dream) "The Wrestler." Also big-woman extrordinaire Kathy Bates (if she gets any screen time) in Kate and Leo's reunion in "Revolutionary Road."
Upset Special: I don't know but I hear good things from Vera Farminga in "Nothing but the Truth" and ("Yup, She's Alive!" Alert!) Kim Basinger for The Burning Plain, two films I know nothing about.
The Nom's: Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona), Viola Davis (Doubt), Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler), Vera Farmina (Nothing But the Truth), Kathy Bates (Revolutionary Road)
The Winner: From what I hear about the play, the few scenes Davis has in "Doubt" should win her the trophy. Viola Davis, for the win.
Best Supporting Actor
The Favorites: Well, obviously there's Heath Ledger for TDK who is more of a lock than Brinks Home Security. Martin Sheen in another stage-to-screen adaptation "Frost/Nixon" should get a nom, as it's a pretty baity role and he got snubbed for playing Tony Blair in "The Queen."
In the Middle of the Pack: For one, you have Josh Brolin for the Sean Penn Show "Milk" about the first gay senator to get elected. Then you got John Malkovich in the Angelina Jolie Show "Changeling" which you've probably heard about. Not on the list? Zac Efron for High School Musical 3. Who will hopefully be dead by the time this is published.
Upset Special: After last year's god-awful snub for "Into the Wild" watch out for Emilie (is it pronounced Emily or Eh-meal?). Also be careful to watch out for either Liev Schreiber or Jamie Bell in the "I'm really excited to see and it better not suck" film "Defiance".
The Nom's: Heath Ledger (TDK), Martin Sheen (Frost/Nixon), John Malkovich (Changeling), Josh Brolin (Milk), Jamie Bell (Defiance)
The Winner: Let's be honest, the other four should be happy to be nominated. I'd bet my car that Ledger takes this home. Oh, wait. Is buried with it? Too soon?
Best Actress
The Favorites: Angelina Jolie is pretty much a lock for her "The Academy Eats this shit up" role in Eastwood's "Changeling." Meryl Streep in, what looks like a winner, "Doubt" playing a nun? Check. And Kate Winslet with Leo has her "anchor" in "Revolutionary Road"? Yeah, those 3 are in like gin in my tonic.
In the Middle of the Pack: Sally Hawkins is getting good press for "Happy Go Lucky", so she could get a nom if she's....lucky. Also, Disney Princess Anne Hatheway is getting great press from her "addicts win statues" role in "Rachel Getting Married."
Upset Special: I don't see much possibility for one but if I had to pick someone it'd be Vannesa Anne Hudgens for High School Musical 3. Ha, sorry. I was kidding to the highest degree. Emily Blunt is a possibility for "The Young Victoria" but it matters little this year.
The Nom's: Angelina (Changeling), Meryl Streep (Doubt), Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road), Sally Hawkins (Happy Go Lucky), Anne Hatheway (Rachel Getting Married)
The Winner: I'd say its between Streep and Angelina for the top honors and with Angie's role being more of an academy-friendly role and more of a central character, I'd think they'll give it to Angie.
Best Actor
The Favorites: Sean Penn playing a gay senator in "Milk" = lock. Note: playing an addict, a gay, a retard, or historical figure in a bio-pic increases your chances of getting nominated tenfold. Frank Langella for playing the infamous "Tricky Dick" Nixon in Frost/Nixon. See: note above.
In the Middle of the Pack: Leo DiCaprio for his long awaited reunion with Kate in "Revolutionary Road" will probably pick up a nom. The Academy loves him. I think. Also, I'm really grappling with Aronofsky's "The Wrestler" and its star, Mickey Rourke is getting raves.
Upset Special: Depending on David Fincher's "Benjamin Button", Brad Pitt could sneak in here. Also look out for Phillip Seymour Hoffman for his role as a pedo-priest (read: a priest) in "Doubt". The Academy wants his acting babies.
The Nom's: Sean Penn (Milk), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Leo (Revolutionary Road), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)
The Winner: It really depends on how good The Wrestler really is and how well Langella can pull off Trick Dick. If either are less than spectacular, Sean Penn takes it for "Milk". Go gay for an Oscar. That's so baity Sean.
Best Director
The Favorites: Right now, there's no clear favorites but I'll give you my top 2 at the moment. I think the Academy will be eager to nominate David Fincher for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and it looks like the film has the star power (Pitt and Blanchett) to get it done. Also, with the subject matter and Penn's star power, Gus Van Sant has a real chance to "Milk" the Oscars for all they are worth.
In the Middle of the Pack: After his snub for "Moulin Rouge" back in the day, "Australia" looks like a film that Baz Luhrmann may get a nom for, as it looks like it was a tough shoot. The Academy loves Clint and they love Ron Howard, so look out for them in "Changeling" and "Frost/Nixon", respectively.
Upset Special: With no lock in this category, there's bound to be a surprise or two. Chris Nolan for The Dark Knight could very easily happen. So could Sam Mendes for "Revolutionary Road" or dare I say a Davidson-like upset for "The Wrestler"'s Darren Aronofsky (here's hoping).
The Nom's: David Fincher (Benjamin Button), Gus Van Sant (Milk), Baz Luhrmann (Australia), Clint Eastwood (Changeling), Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight)
The Winner: I honestly do not have the faintest clue as to who will win this race. I'd love for Chris Nolan to win (at least out of that field) or even David Fincher (he of "Fight Club", "Zodiac", and "Seven"). So I'll go with Fincher because I think, out of those films, "Benjamin Button" has the chance to be the best.
BEST PICTURE
The Favorites: Sean Penn's "Milk' is my only sure thing at the moment. Even that though could have a few hiccups down the stretch. Also, "The Dark Knight" is probably going to get in. It's just too big a film for the Academy not to vote for.
In the Middle of the Pack: Leo and Kate could get a best pic nom for "Revolutionary Road." There's a possibility that "Curious Case of Benjamin Button" could very well sneak in with a nom, but it might not be the Academy's cup o' tea. Other than that, I'm stumped.
Upset Special: Anything from Aronofsky's "The Wrestler, "Australia" from Baz, Howard's "Frost/Nixon", "Doubt," or even Clint's "Changeling" could make it to the top spot. But what you really should be looking at is Danny Boyle, he of "Trainspotting" and "28 Days Later...", and his film "Slumdog Millionaire." It would have to be a major upset for it to make it, but it could make a few waves, as it looks very heartwarming and is based on a true story of redemption and hope, which always gives a film a boost. (see: Shawshank)
The Nom's: Milk, The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Winner: It really all depends on how good/bad all these films actually are but right now, the film with the best buzz and best subject matter the academy will go for is "Milk". So that's my pick. FOR NOW....
That's it for this year's predix. Hope you enjoyed the look at this year's movies. Next up will be a more serious, historical blogging that you may enjoy. Stay hungry for it (hint: that's a hint). Until then, Ik zal u spoedig zien!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
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