There are so many pretty girls out there. That's fine and good for the really attractive guys who can just walk up to girls and immediately make their panties wet from the mere fact that they get to talk to him. But for guys like me, who are of mid-level attractiveness, we really need to work for it. Guys like me are desperate for signs that a girl is the slightest bit interested. Like, for instance, if you're a girl that will talk to me for 10 minutes then casually name-drop your boyfriend, I hate you. I don't care if you eventually cure cancer. (I'm gonna die of liver failure anyway) One of the signs I look for the most is what kind of drinks a girl is ordering. It's not a perfect way to read a girl but it can be helpful. So here are 6 Drink Orders for Girls and What They Mean For Your Chances of Gettin' Lucky Not a great title, I know. But you get the idea. Let the misogynism begin!
Beer
What They're Saying: "I'll drink what I want and don't care if you like it"
Your Chances: Your chances are pretty damn good. Pretttttay good.
Explanation: Unless there's a cheap beer on sale, this girl cares very little about what you think of her. She's probably not skinny, but not fat. She's also probably ready to get down. Girls that drink beer are not afraid to get down. They don't want that sappy crap, they want a real man. Break a pool cue over some guy's head and make sure she sees it. When you're ordering drinks, whiskey and tequila shots are always the right decision. Be careful though, this girl probably can hold her liquor and you don't want to be outdrank by a woman, do you? Even Lance Bass would make fun of you for that.
Martini
What They're Saying: "I might be a drunk but I want people to think I'm sophisticated"
Your Chances: It's only the Men at Work who will get to her Land Down Under. (Pun, FTW!)
Explanation: A martini is socially viewed as a classy drink, so this girl wants to be seen as classy. And she might be. So throw the machismo out the window and start laying on the charm. You need to be smooth though because this girl can probably read through your bullshit. Or she might just like vodka alot. Either way, she's probably not a slut. Think Eva Mendes in "Hitch". Are you Will Smith? No. But you aren't going after Eva Mendes. Say words like "beautiful" instead of "pretty" or "radiant" instead of "gorgeous." Sometimes it's really all about the semantics and those martini-drinking woman love words that make you sound well-spoken and intelligent. Sex might be hard the first time you meet, unless you get her that 4th or 5th martini. (hint: that's pretty expensive. make sure they use Smirnoff instead of Grey Goose. PSYCH! Grey Goose is a panty dropper. Always go with the French liquor.)
Wine
What They're Saying: "I'm married, in a serious relationship, or too old to be drinking hard booze."
Your Chances: Run away.
Explanation: There's something about wine that just seems strange when you see it in a bar. Unless your at like a jazz bar or the like, you just don't see wine too much at bars. So what does this mean? Well, if a woman orders wine at a bar it means one of these things: all she drinks is wine, she said she'll meet someone for "one drink," she has kids, or she's married (or worse, a combo of all of those). Not that you don't have any chance but she'll be pushing for some sort of commitment and time before you get to travel to Happy Land. Also, there might be kids at her house and she probably has to get up real early. Ugh. Total fail.
Long Island Iced Tea
What They're Saying: "I'm here to get drunk and crazy! WHOOO!"
Your Chances: So good it's barely fair.
Explanation: There are only three things that happen after a girl drinks long islands: she gets drunk, she gets loud, or/and she gets laid. Some genius invented this drink knowing that booze x4 + sweet mixer = death to virginity. She's there to party. She may find you absolutely fascinating just from you saying "hey beautiful, didya know you have gum on your shoe?" She could be taking it slow with a vodka tonic or a rum and diet but NO. She's drinking booze and sugar. There's a party in your bedroom...all night long.
Cosmo
What They're Saying: "I know what I like and I like sweetness. In my drink."
Your Chances: Above decent, but not easy.
Explanation: Cosmo girls are tough. They are a mix of class and party-time. She won't be as hard to get as the martini girl but she'll be no long island either. Charm is the name of the game. Be kind of a dick too but not overtly so. Like, "Yeah, you know, you're kinda pretty." I hate cosmo girls for one reason: they are drinking cosmos. Chances are they were pregaming while watching Sex and the City. Will you be lucky enough to find a Samantha? Nope. You'll probably end up hitting on the lesbian red head all night. (read: maybe she's a switch hitter. i don't have to tell you what that means) Point is, be wary of the cosmo girl. You may very well find an easy one but you might just run into a celibate cigar shop owner.
Tequila N Tonic
What They're Saying: "Marry me, Mike Dolan."
Your Chances: You have none, it's all me.
Explanation: SHE'S MINE, BACK OFF!
Hong Kong Fuey
What They're Saying: "Wanna fuck in the bathroom?"
Your Chances: Your penis is just for show if you can't get this.
Explanation: There is enough booze in this drink to tranquilize an elephant. This girl will be so drunk after she's 1 and a half in that she will be sloppy, loud, obnoxious, and plain horny as all hell. Make sure you're the first guy she sees in a collared shirt and you'll be fumbling for your condom like Tony Romo in the playoffs. You shouldn't be proud of yourself for winning this battle, but if you're going for it, you probably really need it. So just go for it. For the win!
Does that help? I sure hope so. This isn't an exact science though. Just use it as a rough guide to women. Because if there's one thing I've been able to analyze over the last few years, it's that a drink can or cannot help you read a girl. But whatever. Enjoy the rest of your weekend fellas. It's Saturday night, go put the above to good use. Ciao.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Links: Under the "Covers" Version
Hey, ladies. I'm trying to finish my movie script so your just getting some links today. They are all cover songs because I love covers. They are just dandy ear candy. Let's have it.
Maybe you've heard the Dire Strait's "Romeo and Juliet." Well, either way, The Killers' version of the song blows it out of the water in my opinion. Just f'n spectacular, so emotional. Powerful, awesome, (insert an adjective of your own!).
I'm not a huge fan of rap but I love "Love in this Club" by Usher. Since I love pop punk covers of rap songs, The Summer Set's cover of Usher's makes me tingle a place far below my head. <3
I know MGMT isn't everyone's cup o' tea but I like them. Since I love Andrew McMahon and everything he touches, sings, or mentions, I love his cover version of the very cool song. Not as good as the original but still damn fun.
Since I'm extremely diverse (read: girly) in my musical selections, I also love "Poker Face" and "Just Dance" from Ms. GaGa. Here is an AWESOME rock cover of the song. It's rather spectacular.
Finally, here is something that probably only I like but I find it hilarious. It's a cover of Hollaback Boy, told from the opposite sex's perspective. Go Cobra Starship Go!
That's it for the links over here. Have an awesome week, I'm sure I'll have something up in a few days or so. Much love!
Maybe you've heard the Dire Strait's "Romeo and Juliet." Well, either way, The Killers' version of the song blows it out of the water in my opinion. Just f'n spectacular, so emotional. Powerful, awesome, (insert an adjective of your own!).
I'm not a huge fan of rap but I love "Love in this Club" by Usher. Since I love pop punk covers of rap songs, The Summer Set's cover of Usher's makes me tingle a place far below my head. <3
I know MGMT isn't everyone's cup o' tea but I like them. Since I love Andrew McMahon and everything he touches, sings, or mentions, I love his cover version of the very cool song. Not as good as the original but still damn fun.
Since I'm extremely diverse (read: girly) in my musical selections, I also love "Poker Face" and "Just Dance" from Ms. GaGa. Here is an AWESOME rock cover of the song. It's rather spectacular.
Finally, here is something that probably only I like but I find it hilarious. It's a cover of Hollaback Boy, told from the opposite sex's perspective. Go Cobra Starship Go!
That's it for the links over here. Have an awesome week, I'm sure I'll have something up in a few days or so. Much love!
Friday, June 19, 2009
A Rough Guide of (My) Life
There's a lot you don't know about me, and that's probably a good thing. I probably go "TMI" all over this blog and in person about pretty much every little detail about my life. And you know why I do that? (hint: it rhymes with "talcohol") Reading this blog might give you a better picture of who I am, but who are the people that shape my life? I call them my drinking buddies, friends, and in my fictional movie script, the mothers of my children. So today here at the blog, I'm going to tell you about some of fellow boozer cruisers, along with some drunken stories. Dolan's 6 Best Drinking Buddies. They aren't really in order, except for the last two.
6. Kase & Shah
Known Since: I believe I've known the Indian for two years and the Jewish kid for about five or six.
First Drank With: Both of them together, probably at my beer pong tournament last summer.
Favorite Drinking Memory: I don't know what it is, but there's something about these two that continually makes me laugh. Maybe it's that I know Sagar's going to puke every time I drink with him, or Kase is just so fun to rip on. But my favorite drinking memory with these two was last night, down in Champaign, IL, out at a bar where my friend works. There's this gay guy that works there that is in *love* with my friend. But everyone was just sitting at the table, talking, and Sagar just throws up randomly all over the floor. The gay man comes over and clean up Sagar's vomit while asking him "Do you guys want any shots?" I've never met someone who has thrown up in a bar and not been kicked out...until this.
5. The Dad
Known Since: Um...forever?
First Drank With: Father's Day Gold Tournament, 2005
Favorite Drinking Memory: My Dad drinks quite a bit, but doesn't usually get too drunk. Or he hides it well. Either way, on my 21st birthday, I had a party in my backyard and was insanely out of control, even for me. I guess you really can't call it a memory but I was told that I kept screaming "Come on Dad, DRINK LIKE A MAN!" This story makes me laugh, since my Dad always says stupid crap like that when I'm hungover. It's one of my favorite memories that I really don't remember at all.
4. Paul Russo
Known Since: Grade school
First Drank With: This is easy to remember, since it was the first time I was ever drunk. Senior of high school, sometime in the fall I think, at his house off of my least favorite beer ever, Icehouse.
Favorite Drinking Memory: When Russo gets drunk, he can get more belligerent than anyone I now. But my favorite drinking memory with this guy was my freshman year of college when we were moving in to our dorm room. We were there a day or two earlier than everyone else, so there wasn't much to do. We chilled in the dorm room and drank a bottle of rum I stole from my Dad (sorry Larry), then walked around campus, which for me was the first time. It just felt like a stepping stone. It doesn't seem like a great "drinking" story, but it's the one I most remember with this kid.
3. Kevin Dolan
Known Since: As long as I can remember
First Drank With: I'm not sure, but I think it was just after he broke up with his first Girlfriend.
Favorite Drinking Memory: I put my brother on this list for one reason: he's pretty much me but better looking and a little more outgoing. OK, that's two reasons. My favorite memory of drinking with him was a year or two ago when me and the previously mentioned Kase were doing a power hour. Kevin tries to keep up. With WHISKEY. I'm sure you can guess where this story is going. Kevin threw up, about 20 minutes in. Kase only got ten minutes further before he threw up, because he's a pussy. I'm almost positive Kevin kept drinking after. It's always funny when you aren't the one throwing up. And this was just a very misguided idea that, if followed through with, would almost certainly have resulted in sudden death.
2. Courtney & Anessa
Known SInce: August 2004, or as I like to call it "The Beginning of My Self-Destruction"
First Drank With: Not coincidentally, it was probably the same week that I met them.
Favorite Drinking Memory: I really love these two and there's no way I could divide them up. Besides my mom, these are two of my most favoritest girls on the planet. There has been tons of fun, mistakes, and all-around debauchery. And much of that is owed to alcohol. One thing I hate is that I very rarely throw up from drinking, no matter the quantity. I have a very strong stomach. But my favorite memory drinking with these two was one Sunday night this past year I made a pop-in to their apartment. It was no surprise that the drinking immediately ensued. We then decided it would be a good idea to go "out" to the bar. We ended up being like three of five people at the bar. It may not have been a wild night but it led to the great quote "God may rest on Sundays, but the Dukum and us don't!" (Dukum = bar) Every time I look at my keys, I am reminded of this night because of the bottle opener I got that night. So fun! I miss these two more than anyone.
1. "Tim"
Known Since: I believe it was December 2003 at our mutual place of employment, The Moorings.
First Drank With: When my mom went to Europe in the summer of 2004, I threw a kegger or two and am pretty sure it was the first time Tim ever got drunk.
Favorite Drinking Memory: Tim and I have a very strange friendship that is based off of the attraction to the same girl. It might be my favorite memory per se, but New Years Eve 2007, I had a party at my Dad's house. Me and Tim decided to split a bottle of whiskey and made it the mission of the night to try and finish it before midnight. The following took place:
-Tim spilling my last Guinness but punching it out of my hand
-Finishing the bottle of whiskey
-Me dislocating my knee while dancing, which I've done on New Years Eve two years in a row now
-Me walking on my knee anyway the rest of the night
-Tim throwing up for a few hours
-Tim telling my brother Bobby, who was watching him throw up as we were making fun of him "Fuck you Bobby, Fuck you and your purple Coke" as he was holding a grape pop.
What I remember most about the night, besides the aforementioned quote, is the way my Dad said "Who is this kid?" It was one of the funniest night of my life and I'll definitely remember it for-ev-er.
Yeah buddies and lovies, I hope you enjoyed the anecdotes of my fellow imbibers. I have to get going quickly, so I'll keep this short, but until next time, drink and be merry.
6. Kase & Shah
Known Since: I believe I've known the Indian for two years and the Jewish kid for about five or six.
First Drank With: Both of them together, probably at my beer pong tournament last summer.
Favorite Drinking Memory: I don't know what it is, but there's something about these two that continually makes me laugh. Maybe it's that I know Sagar's going to puke every time I drink with him, or Kase is just so fun to rip on. But my favorite drinking memory with these two was last night, down in Champaign, IL, out at a bar where my friend works. There's this gay guy that works there that is in *love* with my friend. But everyone was just sitting at the table, talking, and Sagar just throws up randomly all over the floor. The gay man comes over and clean up Sagar's vomit while asking him "Do you guys want any shots?" I've never met someone who has thrown up in a bar and not been kicked out...until this.
5. The Dad
Known Since: Um...forever?
First Drank With: Father's Day Gold Tournament, 2005
Favorite Drinking Memory: My Dad drinks quite a bit, but doesn't usually get too drunk. Or he hides it well. Either way, on my 21st birthday, I had a party in my backyard and was insanely out of control, even for me. I guess you really can't call it a memory but I was told that I kept screaming "Come on Dad, DRINK LIKE A MAN!" This story makes me laugh, since my Dad always says stupid crap like that when I'm hungover. It's one of my favorite memories that I really don't remember at all.
4. Paul Russo
Known Since: Grade school
First Drank With: This is easy to remember, since it was the first time I was ever drunk. Senior of high school, sometime in the fall I think, at his house off of my least favorite beer ever, Icehouse.
Favorite Drinking Memory: When Russo gets drunk, he can get more belligerent than anyone I now. But my favorite drinking memory with this guy was my freshman year of college when we were moving in to our dorm room. We were there a day or two earlier than everyone else, so there wasn't much to do. We chilled in the dorm room and drank a bottle of rum I stole from my Dad (sorry Larry), then walked around campus, which for me was the first time. It just felt like a stepping stone. It doesn't seem like a great "drinking" story, but it's the one I most remember with this kid.
3. Kevin Dolan
Known Since: As long as I can remember
First Drank With: I'm not sure, but I think it was just after he broke up with his first Girlfriend.
Favorite Drinking Memory: I put my brother on this list for one reason: he's pretty much me but better looking and a little more outgoing. OK, that's two reasons. My favorite memory of drinking with him was a year or two ago when me and the previously mentioned Kase were doing a power hour. Kevin tries to keep up. With WHISKEY. I'm sure you can guess where this story is going. Kevin threw up, about 20 minutes in. Kase only got ten minutes further before he threw up, because he's a pussy. I'm almost positive Kevin kept drinking after. It's always funny when you aren't the one throwing up. And this was just a very misguided idea that, if followed through with, would almost certainly have resulted in sudden death.
2. Courtney & Anessa
Known SInce: August 2004, or as I like to call it "The Beginning of My Self-Destruction"
First Drank With: Not coincidentally, it was probably the same week that I met them.
Favorite Drinking Memory: I really love these two and there's no way I could divide them up. Besides my mom, these are two of my most favoritest girls on the planet. There has been tons of fun, mistakes, and all-around debauchery. And much of that is owed to alcohol. One thing I hate is that I very rarely throw up from drinking, no matter the quantity. I have a very strong stomach. But my favorite memory drinking with these two was one Sunday night this past year I made a pop-in to their apartment. It was no surprise that the drinking immediately ensued. We then decided it would be a good idea to go "out" to the bar. We ended up being like three of five people at the bar. It may not have been a wild night but it led to the great quote "God may rest on Sundays, but the Dukum and us don't!" (Dukum = bar) Every time I look at my keys, I am reminded of this night because of the bottle opener I got that night. So fun! I miss these two more than anyone.
1. "Tim"
Known Since: I believe it was December 2003 at our mutual place of employment, The Moorings.
First Drank With: When my mom went to Europe in the summer of 2004, I threw a kegger or two and am pretty sure it was the first time Tim ever got drunk.
Favorite Drinking Memory: Tim and I have a very strange friendship that is based off of the attraction to the same girl. It might be my favorite memory per se, but New Years Eve 2007, I had a party at my Dad's house. Me and Tim decided to split a bottle of whiskey and made it the mission of the night to try and finish it before midnight. The following took place:
-Tim spilling my last Guinness but punching it out of my hand
-Finishing the bottle of whiskey
-Me dislocating my knee while dancing, which I've done on New Years Eve two years in a row now
-Me walking on my knee anyway the rest of the night
-Tim throwing up for a few hours
-Tim telling my brother Bobby, who was watching him throw up as we were making fun of him "Fuck you Bobby, Fuck you and your purple Coke" as he was holding a grape pop.
What I remember most about the night, besides the aforementioned quote, is the way my Dad said "Who is this kid?" It was one of the funniest night of my life and I'll definitely remember it for-ev-er.
Yeah buddies and lovies, I hope you enjoyed the anecdotes of my fellow imbibers. I have to get going quickly, so I'll keep this short, but until next time, drink and be merry.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Jack and Jim Filled to the Brim
I'm giddy. Who's got two thumbs and wants to blog? THIS GUY. Anyways, I know I haven't had a real list-post up in a while. Let's change that, shall we? I don't know about you but I love a good whiskey. It's too delicious to even describe. In the intersection of whiskey goodness, there presents itself a road block to the average drinker: which type of whiskey is right for me? Well, me being the expert of inebriation, I will gladly answer this question for you all. In my first edition, here it is: Battle of the Booze: Whiskey.
The Battle will be held between the Top 4 types of Whiskey: Irish Whiskey, Scotch Whiskey, Canadian Whiskey, and American Whiskey. Since all other whiskey's are shit, they are all automatically disqualified. Moving on. (Shut up, Japanese. Your whiskey isn't as good as you think it is.)
Contestant #1: Irish Whiskey
Popular Brands: Jameson, Bushmill, Tullamore Dew, Michael Collins
Pro's: Irish Whiskey is the whiskey of the Irish, which obviously gives it extra points here on the pro-Irish blog. It's only produced in Ireland and aged for a minimum of 3 years. Otherwise, it's not Irish whiskey. Plus, you can use it in Irish Car Bombs and you can still get a little taste of it when it's mixed. The Irish whiskey has a distinct taste, not unlike sex but more like stale ice cream. Which is as good as an booze is gonna taste, to be quite honest.
Cons: Irish whiskey is, understandably, a little more expensive over here in the States. The brand names are limited, like my sex life, and Jameson's is really the only one people drink over here. Not that there's anything remotely wrong with that.
Final Tally: Taste: 9/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 9/10. Final: 25/30.
Contestant #2: Scotch Whiskey
Popular Brands: Johnnie Walker, Dewars, J&B, Chivas.
Pro's: Personally, I hate scotch. (read: no chance to win here) But, to be fair, I'm trying to pretend for the sake of the blog. It must be produced in Scotland, must be over 45% ABV, and it must be aged at least 3 years and a day because that's how the Scottish roll. (unlike some Scottish, who roll down hills in kilts. *shudders*). It has a very unique taste, unlike any other whiskey. It's process is also much more elaborate and much more complex than the others, exactly like the Scottish people.
Con's: It tastes like alcoholic monkey piss. Plus, it's from Scotland and is generally considered to be a highly respected and distinguishable liquor. The problem with scotch is that you either hate it or love it (think anal sex). That's just too risky for any booze.
Final Tally: Taste: 5/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 5/10. Final: 17/30.
Contestant #3: Canadian Whiskey
Popular Brands: Canadian Club, Crown Royal, Seagrams, Wiser's.
Pro's: Canadian whiskey costs nothing and tastes great while mixing. There's tons of variety, unlike the Canadian people. It tastes a little more sweet and sugary than most other whiskeys, making it much easier to take down than, say, Jack Daniels or Johnnie Walker. Like I said, it's much lighter than other whiskeys, probably because Canada can't hold their booze. (A collective "EHHHHHHHH?" just came from up north)
Con's: It's made in Canada. It's kind of like a girls whiskey. And, regardless of it's mixability, it's pretty cheap stuff. It's got flavor, but probably too much sweetness for a whiskey. It almost taste like syrup. Which is fitting, but most people don't like drinking alcoholic syrup unless their alcoholics or Canadians. It doesn't cost much for a reason, it's just kind of there. Exactly like Canada.
Final Tally: Taste: 6/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 10/10. Final: 23/30.
Contestant #4: American Whiskey
Popular Brands: Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Wild Turkey, Evan Williams, Maker's Mark.
Pro's: American whiskeys are quite the treat for the pallate. Perhaps a little rougher than it's previous counterparts, it packs a punch like nobody else on this list. Although that's not always a good thing, that roughness your tasting is corn and rye, both healthy ingredients in an extremely unhealthy drink (think: mix everclear with light cranberry juice). American whiskeys are the way to go if you want to really taste the whiskey. Where most other spirits lack (including all the ghosts from "A Christmas Carol"), American whiskey trumps the competition in terms of "helping you get really fucked up, really fast." Whoever doesn't like that motto, well, they haven't lived.
Con's: The pro's are also it's con's. It's not always a good thing to get punched in the mouth by a drink. Or a person for that matter. This type of homegrown goodness often leads to violent outbursts and extreme regurgitation. Or, in layman's terms, fighting and puking. American whiskey is also surprisingly expensive. Surprising in the sense that, usually domestic products are cheaper. Like Corona's cheap in Mexico, yet expensive here. Tone it down Jack, Jim, and Mark. We need cheap booze, especially in this recession.
Final Tally: Taste: 10/10, Value: 6/10, Mixability: 8/10. Final: 24/30.
Final Totals:
WINNER: Irish Whiskey, 25/30
RUNNER-UP: American Whiskey, 24/30
BRONZE: Canadian Whiskey, 23/30
LAST: Scotch Whiskey, 17/30
(I'm pretty sure you saw that coming)
Congrats to Irish Whiskey, the winner of the Battle of the Booze, Whiskey Edition!
Well, I sure hoped you enjoyed my expose on whiskey and all it's trait. Congratulations to the winner, even though your prize is to be processed by my liver, which isn't much of a prize at all, actually. To be fair, you had it coming. You know, with all those dirty looks from across the bar? You were just asking to destroy a part of my liver. Well, enough of the dirty talk. I know you have better things to do than listen to me flirt with whiskey. So I'll leave you to it. Have a wonderful week and enjoy some of our winner's glory. You (and he) deserve it! In honor of the Irish, here's the most common Irish drinking toast: Slainte!
The Battle will be held between the Top 4 types of Whiskey: Irish Whiskey, Scotch Whiskey, Canadian Whiskey, and American Whiskey. Since all other whiskey's are shit, they are all automatically disqualified. Moving on. (Shut up, Japanese. Your whiskey isn't as good as you think it is.)
Contestant #1: Irish Whiskey
Popular Brands: Jameson, Bushmill, Tullamore Dew, Michael Collins
Pro's: Irish Whiskey is the whiskey of the Irish, which obviously gives it extra points here on the pro-Irish blog. It's only produced in Ireland and aged for a minimum of 3 years. Otherwise, it's not Irish whiskey. Plus, you can use it in Irish Car Bombs and you can still get a little taste of it when it's mixed. The Irish whiskey has a distinct taste, not unlike sex but more like stale ice cream. Which is as good as an booze is gonna taste, to be quite honest.
Cons: Irish whiskey is, understandably, a little more expensive over here in the States. The brand names are limited, like my sex life, and Jameson's is really the only one people drink over here. Not that there's anything remotely wrong with that.
Final Tally: Taste: 9/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 9/10. Final: 25/30.
Contestant #2: Scotch Whiskey
Popular Brands: Johnnie Walker, Dewars, J&B, Chivas.
Pro's: Personally, I hate scotch. (read: no chance to win here) But, to be fair, I'm trying to pretend for the sake of the blog. It must be produced in Scotland, must be over 45% ABV, and it must be aged at least 3 years and a day because that's how the Scottish roll. (unlike some Scottish, who roll down hills in kilts. *shudders*). It has a very unique taste, unlike any other whiskey. It's process is also much more elaborate and much more complex than the others, exactly like the Scottish people.
Con's: It tastes like alcoholic monkey piss. Plus, it's from Scotland and is generally considered to be a highly respected and distinguishable liquor. The problem with scotch is that you either hate it or love it (think anal sex). That's just too risky for any booze.
Final Tally: Taste: 5/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 5/10. Final: 17/30.
Contestant #3: Canadian Whiskey
Popular Brands: Canadian Club, Crown Royal, Seagrams, Wiser's.
Pro's: Canadian whiskey costs nothing and tastes great while mixing. There's tons of variety, unlike the Canadian people. It tastes a little more sweet and sugary than most other whiskeys, making it much easier to take down than, say, Jack Daniels or Johnnie Walker. Like I said, it's much lighter than other whiskeys, probably because Canada can't hold their booze. (A collective "EHHHHHHHH?" just came from up north)
Con's: It's made in Canada. It's kind of like a girls whiskey. And, regardless of it's mixability, it's pretty cheap stuff. It's got flavor, but probably too much sweetness for a whiskey. It almost taste like syrup. Which is fitting, but most people don't like drinking alcoholic syrup unless their alcoholics or Canadians. It doesn't cost much for a reason, it's just kind of there. Exactly like Canada.
Final Tally: Taste: 6/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 10/10. Final: 23/30.
Contestant #4: American Whiskey
Popular Brands: Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Wild Turkey, Evan Williams, Maker's Mark.
Pro's: American whiskeys are quite the treat for the pallate. Perhaps a little rougher than it's previous counterparts, it packs a punch like nobody else on this list. Although that's not always a good thing, that roughness your tasting is corn and rye, both healthy ingredients in an extremely unhealthy drink (think: mix everclear with light cranberry juice). American whiskeys are the way to go if you want to really taste the whiskey. Where most other spirits lack (including all the ghosts from "A Christmas Carol"), American whiskey trumps the competition in terms of "helping you get really fucked up, really fast." Whoever doesn't like that motto, well, they haven't lived.
Con's: The pro's are also it's con's. It's not always a good thing to get punched in the mouth by a drink. Or a person for that matter. This type of homegrown goodness often leads to violent outbursts and extreme regurgitation. Or, in layman's terms, fighting and puking. American whiskey is also surprisingly expensive. Surprising in the sense that, usually domestic products are cheaper. Like Corona's cheap in Mexico, yet expensive here. Tone it down Jack, Jim, and Mark. We need cheap booze, especially in this recession.
Final Tally: Taste: 10/10, Value: 6/10, Mixability: 8/10. Final: 24/30.
Final Totals:
WINNER: Irish Whiskey, 25/30
RUNNER-UP: American Whiskey, 24/30
BRONZE: Canadian Whiskey, 23/30
LAST: Scotch Whiskey, 17/30
(I'm pretty sure you saw that coming)
Congrats to Irish Whiskey, the winner of the Battle of the Booze, Whiskey Edition!
Well, I sure hoped you enjoyed my expose on whiskey and all it's trait. Congratulations to the winner, even though your prize is to be processed by my liver, which isn't much of a prize at all, actually. To be fair, you had it coming. You know, with all those dirty looks from across the bar? You were just asking to destroy a part of my liver. Well, enough of the dirty talk. I know you have better things to do than listen to me flirt with whiskey. So I'll leave you to it. Have a wonderful week and enjoy some of our winner's glory. You (and he) deserve it! In honor of the Irish, here's the most common Irish drinking toast: Slainte!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Links: Very Cool Edition
Here are some more cool links because I've been busy and can't think of a worthy topic to blog about.
Here's my ukulele girl Julia Nunes singing a great song by Say Anything, playing multiple instruments and just being ultra cool as usual. And kind of weird. But a little weird is always good.
If you haven't seen "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" go to hulu and check it out. Here's my favorite song from the musical comedy starring Neil Patrick Harris, and a few Joss Whedon regulars. Funny stuff people. Please believe me. C'mon, you'll love it. Do it........CLICK!
Like the TV show "Weeds"? Well, another new season premieres tonight so here's a funny clip of the lovable stoner Andy teaching his young nephew Shane what to...um...finish into so the family stops losing so many socks. It's full of euphamisms, analogies, and preposterous, yet true, ways and suggestions. Enjoy.
I personally like old pop music and Petula Clark's "Downtown" is no exception. Here's a funny rendition of the popular song, with just a little remix. Laugh.
I love The Wire and recommend it to the highest degree to anyone who hasn't seen it. Here's a website that's compiled the 10 Wildest scenes from the show. Watch at your leisure.
10 Wildest Wire Scenes.
Who says Americans are the only drunk idiots that run onto the various sporting venues field of play? Here's a French guy annoying Roger Federer in the Finals of one of Tennis' Majors.
I haven't seen "The Hangover" yet but it looks humorous. Here's a guy singing about his pretty bad hangover. Very funny stuff.
Alright that's all for now. I'll try and get a real life blog up sometime this week. Until then, enjoy yourselves. It's beautiful outside. What are you doing reading this? Get your ass out there!
Here's my ukulele girl Julia Nunes singing a great song by Say Anything, playing multiple instruments and just being ultra cool as usual. And kind of weird. But a little weird is always good.
If you haven't seen "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" go to hulu and check it out. Here's my favorite song from the musical comedy starring Neil Patrick Harris, and a few Joss Whedon regulars. Funny stuff people. Please believe me. C'mon, you'll love it. Do it........CLICK!
Like the TV show "Weeds"? Well, another new season premieres tonight so here's a funny clip of the lovable stoner Andy teaching his young nephew Shane what to...um...finish into so the family stops losing so many socks. It's full of euphamisms, analogies, and preposterous, yet true, ways and suggestions. Enjoy.
I personally like old pop music and Petula Clark's "Downtown" is no exception. Here's a funny rendition of the popular song, with just a little remix. Laugh.
Downtown (Eastside Remix) - watch more funny videos
I love The Wire and recommend it to the highest degree to anyone who hasn't seen it. Here's a website that's compiled the 10 Wildest scenes from the show. Watch at your leisure.
10 Wildest Wire Scenes.
Who says Americans are the only drunk idiots that run onto the various sporting venues field of play? Here's a French guy annoying Roger Federer in the Finals of one of Tennis' Majors.
I haven't seen "The Hangover" yet but it looks humorous. Here's a guy singing about his pretty bad hangover. Very funny stuff.
Alright that's all for now. I'll try and get a real life blog up sometime this week. Until then, enjoy yourselves. It's beautiful outside. What are you doing reading this? Get your ass out there!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Yes, The Name on My Passport is Wrong, But They Still Let Me On The Plane Since I'm Not a Minority and Other Inquisitions Fulfilled: The June Mailbag
It's here, it's here, and since I'm all out of beer, I have time to serenade you with the answers to your deepest concerns. It's the June mailbag! Does it get any better? I think not! Sit back, crack one open, and enjoy a sexual experience of reading the only mailbag that can get you both hot AND bothered.
Q: What drink would best for taking an overseas plane ride with Whoopi Goldberg?
--W. Goldberg, New York, NY
A: That sounds like a plane ride straight to Hades, but if they have it, I'd recommend an ambien tonic. It's basically a vodka tonic with ambien in it. Guaranteed to make like LL Cool J and knock you out.
Q: What would be the funniest drunken animal?
--S. Irwin, Purgatory, NJ.
A: A sting ray. But you'd already know that Steve, wouldn't ya?
Q: Atomic apocalypse coming: what US city's landscape would be least affected?
--T. Arnold, Tulsa, OK.
A: Well, it's a close call between Detroit and Pittsburgh. Both are hideous looking cities that need to be wiped off the map anyway. If you live in either of those cities, I'm sorry. Sorry that you have to live there. It's no shock that these two cities are some of fattest, drunkest people in the country.
Q: What is the gayest song you like?
--NPH, New Brunswick, NJ.
A: I'm not embarrassed about one single song on my iTunes. I love music and don't care if people criticize my tastes or heterosexuality because of a few songs I have on there. But, to answer the question, the "gayest" song I love has to be "Hey Now!" by Hilary Duff. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna get in my car and sing it loud. In fact, I have the entire Hilary Duff CD. Maybe one day, Hilary will notice my love, but until that day arrives, I'll just listen to "Come Clean" with a big smile on my face.
Q: Is it true that there's a point on a man's head, that if you shoot it, it will blow up? And to follow, how awesome would it be to have your head explode for your death?
--N. Frost, London, UK.
A: I believe your referring to the point on the head where, if you're drunk enough, you make the head explode because of the bullets reaction to the alcohol in your system, causing an internal "spark" that pushes your head outward and all over the wall. Hope that helps. (This message sponsored to you by Heineken. If it's not Heineken, it'll make your head blow up.)
Q: You talk alot about the best of this, the best of that, blah blah blah. I don't care. What's going to be the worst summer movie, if it hasn't come out yet already? And will anything be better than "Up"?
--M. Eisner, Orlando, FL.
A: The worst summer movie will be, without a doubt, GI Joe. The thing looks like it came out of Drew Carey's butt after a Taco Bell buffet. I'm not sure when it comes out but that's because it looks more hideous than even the generic rom-com's coming out with Katherine Heigl/Gerard Butler and Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds. And if a movie this summer is better than "Up" it's gonna have to be Best Picture-worthy. I'm still pissed WALL-E wasn't nominated for BP last year and it's about time a Pixar movie got nominated. They are consistently groundbreaking. Up just makes me...up. In every way possible.
Q: Is there anything more annoying than Robert Pattinson, the "Twilight" dude, simply becoming enormously popular just because of the character he plays? Oh, and how horrible a death should he die?
--S. Meyer, Hull, UK.
A: Robert Pattinson, when was the last time you showered, did your hair, OR wore clean clothes? You are a sex symbol yet you look like you're consistently waking up from a devastating hangover. I haven't read/seen Twilight, because I'm not a teenager and I have a penis. But I will tell you this: this guy is as douche as they come. And his death should fall somewhere between drawing and quartering and drowning in the shit that the kid from Slumdog Millionaire fell into. (Maybe have someone dump in his mouth while getting drawn and quartered?)
Q: Out of all the wars in the last 100 years, where would you rank each one, regarding your desirability to fight in them? And do you know if the army is accepting new applicants? I'm hungry to join!
--C. Rice, Washington, D.C.
A: Here is a comprehensive list of the wars I'd feel least scarred of fighting in:
1. Korean War (How hard could Koreans fight?)
2. Desert Storm (Rolled through this one like an angry mob on a witchhunt)
3. Current Iraq War (Sucks, but it's far less worse casuality-wise)
4. World War II (I'd probably get killed by friendly fire)
5. World War I (Shit my pants)
6. Vietnam War (Wouldn't sleep for more than 10 minutes a night)
It doesn't matter which one though, because my luck would get me killed almost instantly, anywhere.
Q: Two choices and you have to pick one: sex with Jessica Alba but you die a year later or sex with Rosie O'Donnell and you live to 95?
--L. David, Los Angeles, CA.
A: You might be shocked by my decision here, but here me out. Unless I got so drunk I lost all feeling, sex with Jessica Alba would last for about 45-55 seconds. Why? Because right away I'd be thinking "Holy shit, I'm fucking Jessica Alba." Is a minute worth 94 years of being dead as opposed to being alive? No. So I'd suck it up and screw the lesbian heifer in the dark, blackout drunk and leave right away. Not before I vomited all over the place. Why? Because right away I'd be thinking "Ahhh shit, I'm fucking Rosie O'Donnell." Blech.
Q: Alcohol makes me prematurely ejaculate. Do you have any tips on how I can still enjoy the sauce without spewing mine out so quickly?
--A. Samberg, New York, NY.
A: Uhhhhh.....double wrap it? What do I look like, a sex guru? (Although, I am more of a love guru than Mike Myers in that pitiful, pitiful movie.)
Q: What flavors does the Muffin Man sell? I'm hungry.
--F. Albert, Bronx, NY.
A: Blueberry, Chocolate chip, Banana Crunch, Raspberry, and Low-Carb Peach. However, if you are under 15, all flavors contain a special "roofie" ingredient. Yeah, that's how the Muffin Man rolls. Stay away from drury lane, just go to the bakery.
Q: Out of all the cast members of Friends, which is most likely an alcoholic, a slut, a terrible lay, and gay?
--L. Conrad, Beverly Hills, CA.
A: Good question, bestie. Obviously David Schwimmer is the most likely to be gay. Lisa Kudrow would probably be an awful, awful lay. Matt LeBlanc would be the most likely alcoholic, since he hasn't been working. As for a slut, how bout Jenny Aniston. I mean, she is on tons of magazine covers half-naked. Wouldn't it be great if you could point at a picture and have the real-life version of it just appear? Playboy would be subscribed in every single home ever.
Q: So I just did a line of coke off a strippers boobs without paying for it. Top that.
--M. Gibson, Boise, ID.
A: I haven't been arrested for a DUI or been anti-Semetic in public. As for topping the stripper thing? A stripper gave me a hickey once and rubbed her hand on my boner because I told her I had just broken up with my girlfriend. Without paying. Also, I'm not insane. Victory.
Q: What's worse: passing out drunk during sex, intentionally hitting a road bump while getting road head, or finishing the last beer in the fridge without asking?
--C. Ronaldo, Lisbon, Portugal.
A: What's bad about hitting the road bump? It'll just make it more enjoyable. The worst of the other two is probably passing out drunk during sex, if indeed you do it on top of them. You can always buy more beer. You can't make up for the awful experience that is getting passed out on top of when you're giving her the business. Especially if your a big dude.
Q: What's the most outrageous hair color you've ever dyed your hair or would dye it? And, I must ask, are there any hair color a girl would have that you wouldn't sleep with? And why?
--A. Lavigne, San Juan, PR.
A: I'd dye my hair anything for the right cause (i.e. sex) besides purple. No purple for me, ever. And no. There is no hair color I wouldn't sleep with. If you can pull off the fuscia highlights or the bright green bangs, then more power to you. You are a hero, madam. Nothing short of a veteran of war. (Note: pubic dying would be a crazy awesome idea. just throwing it out there.)
Q: What's the protocol for the "Area Code" rule in long-distance relationships?
--V. Putin, St. Petersburg, Russia.
A: Every couple has different rules. As a single, drunk, and virtually sexless individual, I'd say it would be a good idea to keep things "open" in a long distance relationship if you aren't married. I know, I know. That kind of shit never works. Well, neither do long-distance relationships. So have some fun or something. I don't know. Fuck who(m?)ever you like, it's human nature.
Q: Is it physically possible to suck your own dick? And is it gay if you can pull it off?
--T. Quirsfeld, Champaign, IL.
A: No it is not physically possible without breaking your spine/neck in half. If you actually were able to pull it off, then it might be gay, but who wouldn't go gay for themselves? Don't you love you? Just don't swallow and things will be AG, all good.
Q: If you could get drunk with one president, living or dead, who would it be? And don't say George Bush. That'd be too predictable from a clever motherfucker like you.
--J. Statham, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Our 14th President, Franklin Pierce. Why? Because when he left the oval office his first words were "There is nothing left but to get drunk. He also had a DUI for running over a woman with a horse carriage. Dude basically caused the Civil War. He had plenty to drink about and drunk about it he did. My kind of dude.
Q: Drunk, attractive girl in a Cubs t-shirt that's all over you at Wrigley Field. Tell me how this situation could get any better.
--R. Woo-Woo, Chicago, IL.
A: Oooo, I think I just got turned on. Things that could make it better: Cubs victory. Nudity. Being on Sportcenters Top Plays. Her Boyfriend Watching while Crying. Whiskey. Another drunk, attractive girl in a Cubs shirt. Another. A homer just as I'm finishing so everyone will be cheering. Victory cigar. Catching a foul ball during. A breakdancing midget. Bob Uecker announcing it. Some black dude screaming out "Awwww shit!". The girl moaning "Go Mike Go" to the tune of "Go Cubs Go." And finally, a five-man trumpet band playing "Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox.
Total win.
Well, there you have it. The June mailbag. I hope you enjoyed what I enjoyed. My writing, that is. If you didn't, that's a shame. I'll try to do better next time, then. But for you that liked it, thank you. This blog, like most things, is always better with a cocktail or two. So always drink up before you read up. I don't care what fucking time it is. Follow my orders and victory will be yours. Until next time, keep your heads up and pass the salt. Huh? I don't know. Bye now!
Q: What drink would best for taking an overseas plane ride with Whoopi Goldberg?
--W. Goldberg, New York, NY
A: That sounds like a plane ride straight to Hades, but if they have it, I'd recommend an ambien tonic. It's basically a vodka tonic with ambien in it. Guaranteed to make like LL Cool J and knock you out.
Q: What would be the funniest drunken animal?
--S. Irwin, Purgatory, NJ.
A: A sting ray. But you'd already know that Steve, wouldn't ya?
Q: Atomic apocalypse coming: what US city's landscape would be least affected?
--T. Arnold, Tulsa, OK.
A: Well, it's a close call between Detroit and Pittsburgh. Both are hideous looking cities that need to be wiped off the map anyway. If you live in either of those cities, I'm sorry. Sorry that you have to live there. It's no shock that these two cities are some of fattest, drunkest people in the country.
Q: What is the gayest song you like?
--NPH, New Brunswick, NJ.
A: I'm not embarrassed about one single song on my iTunes. I love music and don't care if people criticize my tastes or heterosexuality because of a few songs I have on there. But, to answer the question, the "gayest" song I love has to be "Hey Now!" by Hilary Duff. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna get in my car and sing it loud. In fact, I have the entire Hilary Duff CD. Maybe one day, Hilary will notice my love, but until that day arrives, I'll just listen to "Come Clean" with a big smile on my face.
Q: Is it true that there's a point on a man's head, that if you shoot it, it will blow up? And to follow, how awesome would it be to have your head explode for your death?
--N. Frost, London, UK.
A: I believe your referring to the point on the head where, if you're drunk enough, you make the head explode because of the bullets reaction to the alcohol in your system, causing an internal "spark" that pushes your head outward and all over the wall. Hope that helps. (This message sponsored to you by Heineken. If it's not Heineken, it'll make your head blow up.)
Q: You talk alot about the best of this, the best of that, blah blah blah. I don't care. What's going to be the worst summer movie, if it hasn't come out yet already? And will anything be better than "Up"?
--M. Eisner, Orlando, FL.
A: The worst summer movie will be, without a doubt, GI Joe. The thing looks like it came out of Drew Carey's butt after a Taco Bell buffet. I'm not sure when it comes out but that's because it looks more hideous than even the generic rom-com's coming out with Katherine Heigl/Gerard Butler and Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds. And if a movie this summer is better than "Up" it's gonna have to be Best Picture-worthy. I'm still pissed WALL-E wasn't nominated for BP last year and it's about time a Pixar movie got nominated. They are consistently groundbreaking. Up just makes me...up. In every way possible.
Q: Is there anything more annoying than Robert Pattinson, the "Twilight" dude, simply becoming enormously popular just because of the character he plays? Oh, and how horrible a death should he die?
--S. Meyer, Hull, UK.
A: Robert Pattinson, when was the last time you showered, did your hair, OR wore clean clothes? You are a sex symbol yet you look like you're consistently waking up from a devastating hangover. I haven't read/seen Twilight, because I'm not a teenager and I have a penis. But I will tell you this: this guy is as douche as they come. And his death should fall somewhere between drawing and quartering and drowning in the shit that the kid from Slumdog Millionaire fell into. (Maybe have someone dump in his mouth while getting drawn and quartered?)
Q: Out of all the wars in the last 100 years, where would you rank each one, regarding your desirability to fight in them? And do you know if the army is accepting new applicants? I'm hungry to join!
--C. Rice, Washington, D.C.
A: Here is a comprehensive list of the wars I'd feel least scarred of fighting in:
1. Korean War (How hard could Koreans fight?)
2. Desert Storm (Rolled through this one like an angry mob on a witchhunt)
3. Current Iraq War (Sucks, but it's far less worse casuality-wise)
4. World War II (I'd probably get killed by friendly fire)
5. World War I (Shit my pants)
6. Vietnam War (Wouldn't sleep for more than 10 minutes a night)
It doesn't matter which one though, because my luck would get me killed almost instantly, anywhere.
Q: Two choices and you have to pick one: sex with Jessica Alba but you die a year later or sex with Rosie O'Donnell and you live to 95?
--L. David, Los Angeles, CA.
A: You might be shocked by my decision here, but here me out. Unless I got so drunk I lost all feeling, sex with Jessica Alba would last for about 45-55 seconds. Why? Because right away I'd be thinking "Holy shit, I'm fucking Jessica Alba." Is a minute worth 94 years of being dead as opposed to being alive? No. So I'd suck it up and screw the lesbian heifer in the dark, blackout drunk and leave right away. Not before I vomited all over the place. Why? Because right away I'd be thinking "Ahhh shit, I'm fucking Rosie O'Donnell." Blech.
Q: Alcohol makes me prematurely ejaculate. Do you have any tips on how I can still enjoy the sauce without spewing mine out so quickly?
--A. Samberg, New York, NY.
A: Uhhhhh.....double wrap it? What do I look like, a sex guru? (Although, I am more of a love guru than Mike Myers in that pitiful, pitiful movie.)
Q: What flavors does the Muffin Man sell? I'm hungry.
--F. Albert, Bronx, NY.
A: Blueberry, Chocolate chip, Banana Crunch, Raspberry, and Low-Carb Peach. However, if you are under 15, all flavors contain a special "roofie" ingredient. Yeah, that's how the Muffin Man rolls. Stay away from drury lane, just go to the bakery.
Q: Out of all the cast members of Friends, which is most likely an alcoholic, a slut, a terrible lay, and gay?
--L. Conrad, Beverly Hills, CA.
A: Good question, bestie. Obviously David Schwimmer is the most likely to be gay. Lisa Kudrow would probably be an awful, awful lay. Matt LeBlanc would be the most likely alcoholic, since he hasn't been working. As for a slut, how bout Jenny Aniston. I mean, she is on tons of magazine covers half-naked. Wouldn't it be great if you could point at a picture and have the real-life version of it just appear? Playboy would be subscribed in every single home ever.
Q: So I just did a line of coke off a strippers boobs without paying for it. Top that.
--M. Gibson, Boise, ID.
A: I haven't been arrested for a DUI or been anti-Semetic in public. As for topping the stripper thing? A stripper gave me a hickey once and rubbed her hand on my boner because I told her I had just broken up with my girlfriend. Without paying. Also, I'm not insane. Victory.
Q: What's worse: passing out drunk during sex, intentionally hitting a road bump while getting road head, or finishing the last beer in the fridge without asking?
--C. Ronaldo, Lisbon, Portugal.
A: What's bad about hitting the road bump? It'll just make it more enjoyable. The worst of the other two is probably passing out drunk during sex, if indeed you do it on top of them. You can always buy more beer. You can't make up for the awful experience that is getting passed out on top of when you're giving her the business. Especially if your a big dude.
Q: What's the most outrageous hair color you've ever dyed your hair or would dye it? And, I must ask, are there any hair color a girl would have that you wouldn't sleep with? And why?
--A. Lavigne, San Juan, PR.
A: I'd dye my hair anything for the right cause (i.e. sex) besides purple. No purple for me, ever. And no. There is no hair color I wouldn't sleep with. If you can pull off the fuscia highlights or the bright green bangs, then more power to you. You are a hero, madam. Nothing short of a veteran of war. (Note: pubic dying would be a crazy awesome idea. just throwing it out there.)
Q: What's the protocol for the "Area Code" rule in long-distance relationships?
--V. Putin, St. Petersburg, Russia.
A: Every couple has different rules. As a single, drunk, and virtually sexless individual, I'd say it would be a good idea to keep things "open" in a long distance relationship if you aren't married. I know, I know. That kind of shit never works. Well, neither do long-distance relationships. So have some fun or something. I don't know. Fuck who(m?)ever you like, it's human nature.
Q: Is it physically possible to suck your own dick? And is it gay if you can pull it off?
--T. Quirsfeld, Champaign, IL.
A: No it is not physically possible without breaking your spine/neck in half. If you actually were able to pull it off, then it might be gay, but who wouldn't go gay for themselves? Don't you love you? Just don't swallow and things will be AG, all good.
Q: If you could get drunk with one president, living or dead, who would it be? And don't say George Bush. That'd be too predictable from a clever motherfucker like you.
--J. Statham, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Our 14th President, Franklin Pierce. Why? Because when he left the oval office his first words were "There is nothing left but to get drunk. He also had a DUI for running over a woman with a horse carriage. Dude basically caused the Civil War. He had plenty to drink about and drunk about it he did. My kind of dude.
Q: Drunk, attractive girl in a Cubs t-shirt that's all over you at Wrigley Field. Tell me how this situation could get any better.
--R. Woo-Woo, Chicago, IL.
A: Oooo, I think I just got turned on. Things that could make it better: Cubs victory. Nudity. Being on Sportcenters Top Plays. Her Boyfriend Watching while Crying. Whiskey. Another drunk, attractive girl in a Cubs shirt. Another. A homer just as I'm finishing so everyone will be cheering. Victory cigar. Catching a foul ball during. A breakdancing midget. Bob Uecker announcing it. Some black dude screaming out "Awwww shit!". The girl moaning "Go Mike Go" to the tune of "Go Cubs Go." And finally, a five-man trumpet band playing "Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox.
Total win.
Well, there you have it. The June mailbag. I hope you enjoyed what I enjoyed. My writing, that is. If you didn't, that's a shame. I'll try to do better next time, then. But for you that liked it, thank you. This blog, like most things, is always better with a cocktail or two. So always drink up before you read up. I don't care what fucking time it is. Follow my orders and victory will be yours. Until next time, keep your heads up and pass the salt. Huh? I don't know. Bye now!
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