People generally drink at bars. That's a fair assumption, no? One thing about drinking is that it makes music so much better. Bars generally play music, another assumption I will assume you agree with. People have been rocking out since the stone age (get it?) and probably will rock on til our world comes to an awful, terrifying end. But until then we can destroy our livers and sing along. There are just some songs that just go with bars and drinking so well, that it's like they were written about or in a bar. Let us share our love of music and drinking, and review the 6 Best Bar Songs. Listen up and read on.
6. "Just a Friend"
Performed By: Biz Markie
Song's Chart Performance: Hit #9 on the Hot 100 in 1990.
Drunken Appeal: There are some rap/hip-hop songs that white people just love. If your a rapper, I've got a message for you: Sell out and cater to white people. We'll buy your shit like it's nobodies business. Anyways the funny, yet catchy baseline rockin' in this song is perfect for the bar scene. The chorus is a loveable singalong type dillio and hardly any fair skinned adolescent can resist. It's like clockwork. Give us something catchy and we'll POUNCE! BAM! Oh, and white people love funny music videos.
And here it is!:
5. "Closing Time"
Performed By: Semisonic
Song's Chart Performance: Hit #1 for five weeks in 1998.
Drunken Appeal: Bars sometimes need to kick people out. (Hey, even the people that work there need sleep. I know, it sucks, but I don't want my drinks poured by an insomniac.) This song is the perfect message for everyone that is just too drunk to notice what time it is. This song always gets the point across. It's like this song was written right after "Last Call!" was announced somewhere. A one hit wonder, yes, but it's still played at "closing time" every night at numerous bars around the nation. And it sends a great message: "Can you please leave? We want to pick up drunk girls too, you know." Touche, bar employees, touche. I respect you for your hard work. Unless it's throwing me out. Then I say "Fuck You, Bar Employees! Fuck you hard!" I know. I'm a vulgar drunk.
4. "You Shook Me All Night Long"
Performed By: AC/DC
Song's Chart Performance: Hit #35 on the Top 100 in 1980.
Drunken Appeal: When you mix sex and rock, it's bound to get drunk people singing and dancing. The catchiness is undeniable. And all guys tell girls this song is about what's gonna happen later tonight for them, even if they are premature ejaculators. AC/DC isn't my favorite band but this song, well, it gets it done. Any song that can simultaneously get both girls and boys up and make them both about sex at the same time is AWESOME in my book. I love it. How can you not? Shake it. All night long. I mean, what better have you got to do all night?
3. "Piano Man"
Performed By: Billy Joel
Song's Chart Performance: Hit #25 on the Top 100 in 1973.
Drunken Appeal: For christsakes! It's about a over-talented musician singing in a bar he's too good for! And isn't that the way everyone feels when they walk into a bar? Or the way they SHOULD walk into a bar? The song might be about a dive bar with seedy, lonely characters but those characters resonate with everyone. Whether you be a sailor or a pothead businessman, Billy perfectly captures the desperation and loneliness that comes with such a lonely place. Anyone that's ever been to a shitty, run-down place of business knows the type of characters that attend the establishment. But who knows? One day, you may very well be one of those creatures. And even if you're a little lonely, at least you won't be drinking alone.
2. "Livin' On a Prayer"
Performed By: Bon Jovi
Song's Chart Performance: Hit #1 on the Top 100 in 1987
Drunken Appeal: The workman's anthem, Bon Jovi had a bonafide sex machine of a hit with this song. It's got a great part to sing along to and the chorus is what popular songs die to accomplish. The song is just about a couple making it against all odds, financial, sexual or otherwise. And people love to be loud when their drunk. And this song is pretty damn loud. Who knows what the real allure is? The fact of the matter is that it's fucking fun as hell to sing even if every Bon Jovi song sounds exactly the same. This song kicks ass and (doubtfully) brings out the best voice in everyone. SO just enjoy it!
1. "Don't Stop Believin'"
Performed By: Journey
Song's Chart Performance: Hit #9 on the Hot 100 in 1981
Drunken Appeal: Critics be damned, this is my favorite bar song of all time. Steve Perry's voice is more angelic than John Travolta in "Michael," which is coincidently named after me. The lyrics, the voice, the beat. Everything about this song just screams desperation, hope, and awesomeness. And if your at a bar that plays this song, you probably need one of those three traits. It's a simple message sung like it's the most important thing in the world. And you know what? Maybe it just is the most important thing ever. After all, life's all about the journey. (pun is always intended around here)
I don't think it's wrong to assume that after you just read that blog, it was so good that you need a cigarette. I can definitely understand. So I'll let you get to it. Life's better with a little smoke in your lungs anyway, right? Well, maybe not, but who cares. I hope you enjoyed today's blogtastic blog of awesomeness. Enjoy what's left of your weekend mateys! Estoy bien, y tu?
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Links: Writer's Block Edition
Enjoy the links cause I can't thinks.
This video comes from the new Fox show "Glee." (You should watch the whole thing. It's fun.) It's an inspiring version of "Don't Stop Believing." The guy's no Steve Perry, but not everyone can have the voice of an angel, now can they? It's starts at the 39:50 mark of the video, but seriously watch the whole thing.
I don't mind American Idol as much as some do, and used to catch the occasional the episode. Since it just ended, here's my favorite video from last years season. It's David Cook singing "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey. Pretty damn good lad!
Everyone loves Judd Apatow movies. But how does the ugly guy always get the ultra-hot girl? The guys over at college humor address the situation with "In a Apatow World."
"The Hangover" is looking set to be one of the funniest movies of the summer. One of it's stars Zach Galifianakis (fat guy with a beard) has a pretty funny web series called "Between Two Ferns." Here's one of the 4 minute episodes starring Natalie Portman.
Here's another decently funny video starring Jake Sassesville trying to get an interview with The Office's Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute). If you wanna know his social security number, or get a few laughs, I recommend the following vid yo.
Here's another video, I saw this guy last night in Palatine, IL. He's pretty funny. And apparently, he doesn't like 50 Cent very much. It's about time someone called out 50. Here's "50 Cent is a Pussy."
That's all for the links right now. I'll try and get a really post up over the weekend. Enjoy the nice weather out there my fellow blog lovers!
This video comes from the new Fox show "Glee." (You should watch the whole thing. It's fun.) It's an inspiring version of "Don't Stop Believing." The guy's no Steve Perry, but not everyone can have the voice of an angel, now can they? It's starts at the 39:50 mark of the video, but seriously watch the whole thing.
I don't mind American Idol as much as some do, and used to catch the occasional the episode. Since it just ended, here's my favorite video from last years season. It's David Cook singing "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey. Pretty damn good lad!
Everyone loves Judd Apatow movies. But how does the ugly guy always get the ultra-hot girl? The guys over at college humor address the situation with "In a Apatow World."
"The Hangover" is looking set to be one of the funniest movies of the summer. One of it's stars Zach Galifianakis (fat guy with a beard) has a pretty funny web series called "Between Two Ferns." Here's one of the 4 minute episodes starring Natalie Portman.
Here's another decently funny video starring Jake Sassesville trying to get an interview with The Office's Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute). If you wanna know his social security number, or get a few laughs, I recommend the following vid yo.
Here's another video, I saw this guy last night in Palatine, IL. He's pretty funny. And apparently, he doesn't like 50 Cent very much. It's about time someone called out 50. Here's "50 Cent is a Pussy."
That's all for the links right now. I'll try and get a really post up over the weekend. Enjoy the nice weather out there my fellow blog lovers!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Fans Driven By Drunk
Sports teams always try to keep fan excited and in the games. Noise, giveaways, and whatever else they can think of is used to make the crowd feel more a part of the whole experience. But what makes fans really involved in the game is alcohol. Let's face it, many people going to any game don't even care about the contest--they're there to get messed up. And there's nothing wrong with that. Unless you take it too far. You can be crazy, you just need to balance it right. It happens everywhere, all the time. So that's why we're going to round out The Most Entertaining Drunk Sports Fan Incidents, By Sports.
NHL
Game: During 2001-2002 season; Chicago Blackhawks at Colorado Avalanche
Fan: Karma's Bitch
Shining Moment: Coincidence seems to be just that: coincidence. However, there are things that happen sometimes that make us believe in karma, fate, destiny, or whatever you want to call it. During a Blackhawks/Avalanche game around seven years ago, Steve Sullivan of the Hawks got high-sticked in the face and had blood gushing out his nose. There in the first row close to the Hawks bench, a drunk Avalanche fan started laughing and heckling Sullivan, making fun of his injury. Sullivan let the douche be the douche but he would have the last laugh. Where the fan was sitting, it'd be almost impossible to be hit by a puck. Later in the game, goalie Patrick Roy cleared the puck out of play and it hit that very same drunk guy in the first row right in the head. The guy's girlfriend gave Sullivan a thumbs up and laughed at her beau, as he writhed in pain. And although that couple is most definitely divorced/broken-up, I'm sure her laughter did not heal his wounds. But when you get what you deserve, all you can help but do is tip your cap to the gods of cruelty. Or cry, if your a pussy.
I'd laugh harder, but dude had first row seats. Mad respect, bro.
NBA
Game: November 19, 2004; Pacers vs. Pistons in Detroit
Fans: John Green, A.J. Shackleford, and Charlie Haddad
Shining Moment: Anyone who's anyone that has lived the last 6 years has seen this brawl and knows all about it. And obviously it started with alcohol, mixed in with a little insanity and thuggery. The fans that started it have caused the NBA to ban alcohol after the 3rd Quarter and an increase in security, making it harder to screw around. Basically, they've ruined the fun of going to a games. It tarnished the NBA's image. Some laughed, some cried, some sued, but in the end there was no winner. Unless your a hockey fan that was bored at the game. Which was probably likely in Detroit. It just confirms my suspicions that Detroit is America's Worst Major City by far. Name me a city worse and you'll win a prize! Other than that, what is there to say? This brawl's been analyzed like a Brett Favre comeback. I bet you just moaned, if not out loud, at least in your head. Don't worry. He'll die soon. (Will his funeral be on live TV? You betcha! That'll be #1 on my "There's No Chance I'm DVRing This" list for all time.
One of the most shocking, unbelievable events in sports history.
Soccer
Game: Sometime in 2003; Hertha Berlin at Hansa Rostock. (Northern Germany)
Fan: Three drunk Deustches
Shining Moment: In 2003, three drunk German streakers ran onto the pitch at DKB Arena. They were promptly arrested but had delayed the game for quite a bit, since security was rather lax. (You'd think Germany would have strict security, since they don't tolerate anything that would generate laughter.) The team was fined 20,000 Euros by the German league for allowing this to happen. It's like an underage drunk driver coming from your house telling the cops he was not only drinking at your house, but you gave him the booze. He's fucked but so are you. So the team, not loaded with cash, decided to throw it back to the Nazi days and throw their fans under the bus (hey, they could have shot them). The team sued the streakers for the fine and for money to improve security. And it worked. Imagine if the Cubs sued all their fans that got drunk and interrupted the game. Half the city would be in court, including me. File this under "Things that would only happen in East Germany," along with "banning dancing," and "smiling."
There's no video of the incident, so enjoy all the German language scenes in Scrubs.
NFL
Game: October 30, 2005; Green Bay Packers at Cincinati Bengals
Fan: Greg Call
Shining Moment: In a battle of "Cities that No Longer Deserve Sports Teams," Brett Favre went into the final quarter down 21-14 and had thrown 5 interceptions. So on the final drive, during a false start, an extremely drunk Benglas fan tried to get in the act on defense as he stole the ball away from Brett Favre and ran the other way. And he almost made it to the end zone. Not even my lists of drunken fans can escape Brett Favre. But the fan, one Greg Call, paid the price for his drunken antics when he was taken down by a Dick Butkus impersonator. The fan would later say "I knew if I did it to Brett Favre, the clip would live on in infamy. Plus, I'm from Cincinnati. What the hell else is there to do?" [citation needed] But as any fan knows, if your going to run on the field, never do it during a football game. Unless you want to be concussed and suffer internal bleeding. Then down a few and go for it!
MLB
Game: June 4, 1974; Texas Rangers at Cleveland Indians
Fan: The "Fine" People of Cleveland
Shining Moment: Welcome back to Ohio, the only state to make the list twice! One night in Cleveland, the Indians thought it'd be a great idea to give away unlimited beer for 10 cents a piece to increase ticket sales. And, of course, it worked. What they forgot about is how, if you basically give unlimited beer away, people are going to be sloshed out of their faces. Before the riot later in the game, 5 different fans ran onto the field flashing and streaking. Things were thrown at players, including spit and empty beer bottles. In the 9th inning, with the game tied, a fan ran on the field and stole one of the Rangers' caps. He tripped but from the dugout it looked like he got hit in the head, so the Rangers charged the field to protect him, some carrying bats. A group of fans charged the field armed with knives, chains, and parts of the stadiums' seats. The Indians came onto the field, also armed with bats, to protect the Rangers players from getting killed. Rioters began throwing steel folding chairs, which hit a Indians pitcher in the head. Future Indians manager Mike Hargrove was involved in two fistfights, the head umpire was cut by a thrown rock and hit in the head with a seat, and everything from cups, batteries, chairs, radios, bottles, popcorn containers, and hot dogs were thrown. The game was forfeited to Texas. One thing was stolen, besides Cleveland's dignity, that would never be returned: the bases. It remains one of only 5 games in MLB history to be forfeited but is one of many games that have made the world think: "Man, Ohio sucks." If they weren't saved by LeBron, they might never have had a title of any kind in their future. (Lebron's gonna win me money. ehem*russo*ehem)
There are no videos of Cleveland, since YouTube has some standards. Instead, here's a video of babies throwing up, which is apparently more acceptable than seeing any event in Ohio history.
Now you know the dangers of not drinking enough at a sporting event. You will never be remembered unless you get drunk enough to cause some sort of havoc! I'm sort of kidding, but not really. Obviously my blog supports copious amounts of alcohol being consumed. Other than that, try and have a fun and drunk weekend. There's nothing better than going out and doing stuff you'll regret 15 seconds after you've done it. Those are the best things in life! Anyways, have a great weekend and hopefully we'll see each other early next week. Adios, chicas and chicos!
NHL
Game: During 2001-2002 season; Chicago Blackhawks at Colorado Avalanche
Fan: Karma's Bitch
Shining Moment: Coincidence seems to be just that: coincidence. However, there are things that happen sometimes that make us believe in karma, fate, destiny, or whatever you want to call it. During a Blackhawks/Avalanche game around seven years ago, Steve Sullivan of the Hawks got high-sticked in the face and had blood gushing out his nose. There in the first row close to the Hawks bench, a drunk Avalanche fan started laughing and heckling Sullivan, making fun of his injury. Sullivan let the douche be the douche but he would have the last laugh. Where the fan was sitting, it'd be almost impossible to be hit by a puck. Later in the game, goalie Patrick Roy cleared the puck out of play and it hit that very same drunk guy in the first row right in the head. The guy's girlfriend gave Sullivan a thumbs up and laughed at her beau, as he writhed in pain. And although that couple is most definitely divorced/broken-up, I'm sure her laughter did not heal his wounds. But when you get what you deserve, all you can help but do is tip your cap to the gods of cruelty. Or cry, if your a pussy.
I'd laugh harder, but dude had first row seats. Mad respect, bro.
NBA
Game: November 19, 2004; Pacers vs. Pistons in Detroit
Fans: John Green, A.J. Shackleford, and Charlie Haddad
Shining Moment: Anyone who's anyone that has lived the last 6 years has seen this brawl and knows all about it. And obviously it started with alcohol, mixed in with a little insanity and thuggery. The fans that started it have caused the NBA to ban alcohol after the 3rd Quarter and an increase in security, making it harder to screw around. Basically, they've ruined the fun of going to a games. It tarnished the NBA's image. Some laughed, some cried, some sued, but in the end there was no winner. Unless your a hockey fan that was bored at the game. Which was probably likely in Detroit. It just confirms my suspicions that Detroit is America's Worst Major City by far. Name me a city worse and you'll win a prize! Other than that, what is there to say? This brawl's been analyzed like a Brett Favre comeback. I bet you just moaned, if not out loud, at least in your head. Don't worry. He'll die soon. (Will his funeral be on live TV? You betcha! That'll be #1 on my "There's No Chance I'm DVRing This" list for all time.
One of the most shocking, unbelievable events in sports history.
Soccer
Game: Sometime in 2003; Hertha Berlin at Hansa Rostock. (Northern Germany)
Fan: Three drunk Deustches
Shining Moment: In 2003, three drunk German streakers ran onto the pitch at DKB Arena. They were promptly arrested but had delayed the game for quite a bit, since security was rather lax. (You'd think Germany would have strict security, since they don't tolerate anything that would generate laughter.) The team was fined 20,000 Euros by the German league for allowing this to happen. It's like an underage drunk driver coming from your house telling the cops he was not only drinking at your house, but you gave him the booze. He's fucked but so are you. So the team, not loaded with cash, decided to throw it back to the Nazi days and throw their fans under the bus (hey, they could have shot them). The team sued the streakers for the fine and for money to improve security. And it worked. Imagine if the Cubs sued all their fans that got drunk and interrupted the game. Half the city would be in court, including me. File this under "Things that would only happen in East Germany," along with "banning dancing," and "smiling."
There's no video of the incident, so enjoy all the German language scenes in Scrubs.
NFL
Game: October 30, 2005; Green Bay Packers at Cincinati Bengals
Fan: Greg Call
Shining Moment: In a battle of "Cities that No Longer Deserve Sports Teams," Brett Favre went into the final quarter down 21-14 and had thrown 5 interceptions. So on the final drive, during a false start, an extremely drunk Benglas fan tried to get in the act on defense as he stole the ball away from Brett Favre and ran the other way. And he almost made it to the end zone. Not even my lists of drunken fans can escape Brett Favre. But the fan, one Greg Call, paid the price for his drunken antics when he was taken down by a Dick Butkus impersonator. The fan would later say "I knew if I did it to Brett Favre, the clip would live on in infamy. Plus, I'm from Cincinnati. What the hell else is there to do?" [citation needed] But as any fan knows, if your going to run on the field, never do it during a football game. Unless you want to be concussed and suffer internal bleeding. Then down a few and go for it!
MLB
Game: June 4, 1974; Texas Rangers at Cleveland Indians
Fan: The "Fine" People of Cleveland
Shining Moment: Welcome back to Ohio, the only state to make the list twice! One night in Cleveland, the Indians thought it'd be a great idea to give away unlimited beer for 10 cents a piece to increase ticket sales. And, of course, it worked. What they forgot about is how, if you basically give unlimited beer away, people are going to be sloshed out of their faces. Before the riot later in the game, 5 different fans ran onto the field flashing and streaking. Things were thrown at players, including spit and empty beer bottles. In the 9th inning, with the game tied, a fan ran on the field and stole one of the Rangers' caps. He tripped but from the dugout it looked like he got hit in the head, so the Rangers charged the field to protect him, some carrying bats. A group of fans charged the field armed with knives, chains, and parts of the stadiums' seats. The Indians came onto the field, also armed with bats, to protect the Rangers players from getting killed. Rioters began throwing steel folding chairs, which hit a Indians pitcher in the head. Future Indians manager Mike Hargrove was involved in two fistfights, the head umpire was cut by a thrown rock and hit in the head with a seat, and everything from cups, batteries, chairs, radios, bottles, popcorn containers, and hot dogs were thrown. The game was forfeited to Texas. One thing was stolen, besides Cleveland's dignity, that would never be returned: the bases. It remains one of only 5 games in MLB history to be forfeited but is one of many games that have made the world think: "Man, Ohio sucks." If they weren't saved by LeBron, they might never have had a title of any kind in their future. (Lebron's gonna win me money. ehem*russo*ehem)
There are no videos of Cleveland, since YouTube has some standards. Instead, here's a video of babies throwing up, which is apparently more acceptable than seeing any event in Ohio history.
Now you know the dangers of not drinking enough at a sporting event. You will never be remembered unless you get drunk enough to cause some sort of havoc! I'm sort of kidding, but not really. Obviously my blog supports copious amounts of alcohol being consumed. Other than that, try and have a fun and drunk weekend. There's nothing better than going out and doing stuff you'll regret 15 seconds after you've done it. Those are the best things in life! Anyways, have a great weekend and hopefully we'll see each other early next week. Adios, chicas and chicos!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I See Beer Through the Screen
TV is a great outlet. For what, I don't know. I just know it's a great outlet. And since I love TV and I love booze, I'm going to write something about them. Clearly, my lists are a matter of great importance around here. When I've got a list, there's nothing stopping me from going full throttle. Just like these fictional bars. Because sitting around in a coffee shop? Kind of lame, if you ask me. Here they are, Recent TV's 6 Greatest Bars.
6. The Bronze
Featured In: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Memorable Moments: Before you get on my back about including nerd-friendly Buffy on the list, maybe you should read on. Appearing in almost half the 144 episodes, The Bronze was a teen dance club where local Cali bands played to the sight of super hottie (at least back then) Sarah Michelle Gellar, not to mention Eliza Dushku. Underage drinking occurred quite a bit at The Bronze. And if there's things I like, it's underage college students like SMG drinking. Although I never really watched Buffy, I've read enough about the bar to put it here on my so-called-list. Plus, I wanted to picture Sarah Michelle Gellar for a little bit. Especially since the rest of the bars don't have too many good looking ladies present. The Bronze brings the hotness every night, all night. And that's funny, because that's also how I do it.
Unfortunately, there's nothing regarding The Bronze on YouTube. Instead, you'll have to make do with SMG and Jack Black spoofing Lord of the Rings.
5. The Bait Shop
Featured In: The O.C.
Memorable Moments: Perhaps not a bar, per se, but more of a music venue, it's just too good to ignore. Lots of indie-alt rock bands (Rooney, Death Cab, Phantom Planet) play there throughout the series and it always seems to be an awesome time. There are hot bi-sexuals working there and people do get drunk there. I've seen it. Besides, what could be better than a bar/music hall that's located on a pier right off the ocean in California. It just doesn't get much better than that. Unless you add all the uber-hot females that are walking through those turnstiles. It's a hang out. Cheers, it ain't. But you know what? Fuck Cheers when the girls are this hot.
The awesome Seth Cohen fulfilling one of my dreams of making out with a hot bi-sexual that doesn't mind going both ways. All. The. Time.
4. Bada Bing
Featured In: James Gandolfini's Lessons in Breathing Loudly, otherwise known as The Sopranos.
Memorable Moments: So I lied, there are more pretty girls. This time, they are even on HBO where tops are not required. Most of the family's business goes down in this very pretty titty bar. It's a place where you can stare at naked girls and get drunk. If there was no cover, they'd call it heaven. It's a great cover for the mob. Because a seedy go-go bar totally keeps you on the down low. I joke, though. The Bada Bing wonderfully fits the shows tone and characters. Dark, a little sad, but overall something to make you happy. The Bing was too noticeable to leave off the list. How could I? Fuggitaboutit!
When I find a talking fish, I usually smack some guy in the head with it too.
3. MacLaren's
Featured In: How I Met Your Mother
Memorable Moments: MacLaren's is featued in almost every episode of the show, which kind of makes the characters alcoholics. It's just a spot for them to go down, have a few, and talk the talk of life. Any bar that has NPH as a regular is awesome in my book. If I had written one. MacLaren's is where the infamous Slap Bet is made. It's also where NPH hits on every single piece of (insert half-derogatory term about women) in the bar. The group has their own table, and no one would dare take it, for fear of reprisal. Such memories take place here. Mostly the conquests of Barney (aka NPH) and Ted (aka some guy). It has everything from barely legal to cougars, which is all a guy could ask for in a bar really. Or anywhere. It's, in a word, legendary.
NPH doing a fireball in a bar? Not the first spark he's initiated.
2. Moe's Tavern
Featured In: The Simpsons. Duh.
Memorable Moments: When one thinks of a dive bar, one thinks of Moe's. The main (and almost only) customers, Homer, Barney, Carl, and Lenny, have it as their bar of choice. Who knows why. Although Moe's went through some renovations over the years, it's still stay the same old seedy, dank, dive we all know and love. Who would want it any other way? Besides most people, that is. There's nothing pretty about it and sometimes, maybe it's not such a bad thing to see that amount of ugliness. After all, they're just getting drunk there. Maybe it's just more fun when your loaded. So head on over and catch a Flaming Moe and a Duff or two. Just know that if you rub anyone the wrong way (say, insult the dankness) Moe has a shotgun under the bar. Be warned.
Or don't.
Sacagawea Dollars at Moe's Tavern
1. Paddy's Pub
Featured In: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (not true. it snows in the winter.)
Memorable Moments: With most of the hilarious show filmed in their Pub, it has to be one of the most iconic TV bars of all time. Mac, Charlie, Dennis, and Sweet Dee get into so much different shit at this place it'd be impossible to justify it with a list of their best moments. But the egotistical, stupid, vain, and feelings of superiority that run through all the characters seemed to be running through Paddy's tap. Worst bar in Philadelphia? Just because a bar critic says it to be so, doesn't make it nearly true. If the critics got a real look at the inner workings of Paddy's rather just fall victim to it, there's no doubt they'd fall in love with it just like everybody else. Besides, who needs customers when you've got all that booze?
Gay jokes. They still work.
Well, that's a rap on TV greatest bars of late. I'm sure they will some disagreement flowing through the modem lines but your opinion is for naught unless you write it down and someone reads it. And that is why I'm more right than you are. Like it or not. The precursor to the weekend has ended and Friday is beginning. What else is there to know? Have a great weekend and I'll likely see you ladies, gents, and Question Marks at the start of next week. Hugs and Kisses, unless you're one of the question marks that is.
6. The Bronze
Featured In: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Memorable Moments: Before you get on my back about including nerd-friendly Buffy on the list, maybe you should read on. Appearing in almost half the 144 episodes, The Bronze was a teen dance club where local Cali bands played to the sight of super hottie (at least back then) Sarah Michelle Gellar, not to mention Eliza Dushku. Underage drinking occurred quite a bit at The Bronze. And if there's things I like, it's underage college students like SMG drinking. Although I never really watched Buffy, I've read enough about the bar to put it here on my so-called-list. Plus, I wanted to picture Sarah Michelle Gellar for a little bit. Especially since the rest of the bars don't have too many good looking ladies present. The Bronze brings the hotness every night, all night. And that's funny, because that's also how I do it.
Unfortunately, there's nothing regarding The Bronze on YouTube. Instead, you'll have to make do with SMG and Jack Black spoofing Lord of the Rings.
5. The Bait Shop
Featured In: The O.C.
Memorable Moments: Perhaps not a bar, per se, but more of a music venue, it's just too good to ignore. Lots of indie-alt rock bands (Rooney, Death Cab, Phantom Planet) play there throughout the series and it always seems to be an awesome time. There are hot bi-sexuals working there and people do get drunk there. I've seen it. Besides, what could be better than a bar/music hall that's located on a pier right off the ocean in California. It just doesn't get much better than that. Unless you add all the uber-hot females that are walking through those turnstiles. It's a hang out. Cheers, it ain't. But you know what? Fuck Cheers when the girls are this hot.
The awesome Seth Cohen fulfilling one of my dreams of making out with a hot bi-sexual that doesn't mind going both ways. All. The. Time.
4. Bada Bing
Featured In: James Gandolfini's Lessons in Breathing Loudly, otherwise known as The Sopranos.
Memorable Moments: So I lied, there are more pretty girls. This time, they are even on HBO where tops are not required. Most of the family's business goes down in this very pretty titty bar. It's a place where you can stare at naked girls and get drunk. If there was no cover, they'd call it heaven. It's a great cover for the mob. Because a seedy go-go bar totally keeps you on the down low. I joke, though. The Bada Bing wonderfully fits the shows tone and characters. Dark, a little sad, but overall something to make you happy. The Bing was too noticeable to leave off the list. How could I? Fuggitaboutit!
When I find a talking fish, I usually smack some guy in the head with it too.
3. MacLaren's
Featured In: How I Met Your Mother
Memorable Moments: MacLaren's is featued in almost every episode of the show, which kind of makes the characters alcoholics. It's just a spot for them to go down, have a few, and talk the talk of life. Any bar that has NPH as a regular is awesome in my book. If I had written one. MacLaren's is where the infamous Slap Bet is made. It's also where NPH hits on every single piece of (insert half-derogatory term about women) in the bar. The group has their own table, and no one would dare take it, for fear of reprisal. Such memories take place here. Mostly the conquests of Barney (aka NPH) and Ted (aka some guy). It has everything from barely legal to cougars, which is all a guy could ask for in a bar really. Or anywhere. It's, in a word, legendary.
NPH doing a fireball in a bar? Not the first spark he's initiated.
2. Moe's Tavern
Featured In: The Simpsons. Duh.
Memorable Moments: When one thinks of a dive bar, one thinks of Moe's. The main (and almost only) customers, Homer, Barney, Carl, and Lenny, have it as their bar of choice. Who knows why. Although Moe's went through some renovations over the years, it's still stay the same old seedy, dank, dive we all know and love. Who would want it any other way? Besides most people, that is. There's nothing pretty about it and sometimes, maybe it's not such a bad thing to see that amount of ugliness. After all, they're just getting drunk there. Maybe it's just more fun when your loaded. So head on over and catch a Flaming Moe and a Duff or two. Just know that if you rub anyone the wrong way (say, insult the dankness) Moe has a shotgun under the bar. Be warned.
Or don't.
Sacagawea Dollars at Moe's Tavern
1. Paddy's Pub
Featured In: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (not true. it snows in the winter.)
Memorable Moments: With most of the hilarious show filmed in their Pub, it has to be one of the most iconic TV bars of all time. Mac, Charlie, Dennis, and Sweet Dee get into so much different shit at this place it'd be impossible to justify it with a list of their best moments. But the egotistical, stupid, vain, and feelings of superiority that run through all the characters seemed to be running through Paddy's tap. Worst bar in Philadelphia? Just because a bar critic says it to be so, doesn't make it nearly true. If the critics got a real look at the inner workings of Paddy's rather just fall victim to it, there's no doubt they'd fall in love with it just like everybody else. Besides, who needs customers when you've got all that booze?
Gay jokes. They still work.
Well, that's a rap on TV greatest bars of late. I'm sure they will some disagreement flowing through the modem lines but your opinion is for naught unless you write it down and someone reads it. And that is why I'm more right than you are. Like it or not. The precursor to the weekend has ended and Friday is beginning. What else is there to know? Have a great weekend and I'll likely see you ladies, gents, and Question Marks at the start of next week. Hugs and Kisses, unless you're one of the question marks that is.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Links: International Addition
Scrummaging around YouTube, I found a few links that I thought you might enjoy. But I'm sick of touting only American-born future sensations and heartwarmers. And although this post really won't have much to do with alcohol, you're more than welcome to have a glass or two of your poison while your watching. Because when I link something, it's good enough to make you want a drink.
Our first, and best, link of the day comes from a bunch of different street musicians around the world. If you don't tear up at least a little, you're probably a communist. I'll alert Joe McCarthy's next of kin. Seriously though, it's quite a moving video. I'd recommend and advise highly to watch the entire thing.
Apparently, Asians are kind of funny. Or just extreme. I'm not sure which. Here's a video of some Asian guy screaming at people to scare them on the street. Try that in New York City.
My American link will go to these guys, how do you say, fine-tuning the news? Ahhh, I crack myself up with punny wordplay. These guys are funny though, give them a listen. You MIGHT enjoy them.
The next video? A little weird perhaps, but I'm not the one who put it on YouTube. Since it's the int'l version of the links, here's a video of women's reactions to getting Brazilian Waxed. I think I speak for all men when I say, I appreciate the pain you went through. Anyways, here it is.
You know I hate Russians, right? Well, I do. And here's a drunk one trying to put his pants on as a shirt at some beach, presumably in Europe. The people laughing at him are kind of dicks but, then again, in my last post I said I'd have sex in a church during mass. So oh well.
Gotta give some love to my Greek boys. I know how you all dislike soccer here at the blog, but give it a try. It's better than hockey, at least. Anyways, this match between AEK Athens and Olympiakos was a 4-4 tie that went to penalty kicks. The Penalty Kicks final score? 15-14, with the opposing goalie netting the winner. (Keep in mind that every kick is sudden death after the fifth one.)
And finally, to round out the continents that matter, there's Australia. How does an Australian deal with domestic violence? Why, they help out of course!
Hope you enjoyed this version of the links. I'll be back later in the week to get to something more boozarific. Until then, feliz Cinco de Mayo!
Our first, and best, link of the day comes from a bunch of different street musicians around the world. If you don't tear up at least a little, you're probably a communist. I'll alert Joe McCarthy's next of kin. Seriously though, it's quite a moving video. I'd recommend and advise highly to watch the entire thing.
Apparently, Asians are kind of funny. Or just extreme. I'm not sure which. Here's a video of some Asian guy screaming at people to scare them on the street. Try that in New York City.
My American link will go to these guys, how do you say, fine-tuning the news? Ahhh, I crack myself up with punny wordplay. These guys are funny though, give them a listen. You MIGHT enjoy them.
The next video? A little weird perhaps, but I'm not the one who put it on YouTube. Since it's the int'l version of the links, here's a video of women's reactions to getting Brazilian Waxed. I think I speak for all men when I say, I appreciate the pain you went through. Anyways, here it is.
You know I hate Russians, right? Well, I do. And here's a drunk one trying to put his pants on as a shirt at some beach, presumably in Europe. The people laughing at him are kind of dicks but, then again, in my last post I said I'd have sex in a church during mass. So oh well.
Gotta give some love to my Greek boys. I know how you all dislike soccer here at the blog, but give it a try. It's better than hockey, at least. Anyways, this match between AEK Athens and Olympiakos was a 4-4 tie that went to penalty kicks. The Penalty Kicks final score? 15-14, with the opposing goalie netting the winner. (Keep in mind that every kick is sudden death after the fifth one.)
And finally, to round out the continents that matter, there's Australia. How does an Australian deal with domestic violence? Why, they help out of course!
Hope you enjoyed this version of the links. I'll be back later in the week to get to something more boozarific. Until then, feliz Cinco de Mayo!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Yes, Bobby is a Cocky Fuck who May or May Not be Gay, and Other Questions My Mom Doesn't Want Answered: The May Mailbag
It's baaaaaack! Welcome one and all to the monthly staple here at the blog known only as "The Mailbag." It's simple enough. People ask questions (by people, I mean I) and I answer them, in all my drunken glory. There seems to be no better time than the present to break into the mailbag at FULL FORCE. So read on, unless your from Boston. Because if that's the case, you can SUCK IT.
Q: Your signature after every post is signed as "Michael F. Dolan." What does the F stand for in your name?
--Too Scared to Leave His Name, Fraidycatville, USA.
A: I will get to your question in a second sir. I'm not sure who wrote this, but I have a few ideas. It used to stand for Francis but I got it legally changed to "FuckYouKevinDolan." And if it wasn't Kevin Dolan who asked this question in the comments, just substitute your name in there, let me know, and I'll head down to the courthouse tomorrow.
Q: Yeah, you mentioned that you talk about masturbation more on this blog than sex. How long has it been since you've actually had sex? I bet it's a while. And embarrassing.
--P. Russo, Lincoln Park, IL
A: We got a bunch of comedian readers, apparently. Haven't I been over this? I haven't had sex since January 10, 2009. And you know what? I'd have sex with a 4 right now. And come on. Nobody reading this wants to picture me having sex except for me. And I barely want to imagine it.
Q: With all this hubabaloo about swine flu going around, what precautions can I take to, a) not get it and b) if I do, how do I spread it to Rajon Rondo?
--B. Miller, Chicago, IL
A: Well, here are some of the precautions you can take: do not eat bacon, sausage, or pork. Stay away from people that were just in Mexico. Don't have sex with Latina women (I know, a rough sacrifice). Don't go within 20 feet of Mexicans. Don't eat Mexican food. Cut your own lawn. Don't go to Miami. And as for spreading it to Rajon, sneeze on his watermelon then cough on all his black eyed peas. Except for will.i.am. He's a rad dude.
Q: All these blockbusters coming out this summer and most of them will probably suck. What are some of the sure things I can actually not feel bad about spending money on and some other smaller movies coming that are going to wow me?
--M. Al-Jazeer, Tikrit, Iraq.
A: The following "blockbusters" are guaranteed to be good: Star Trek, Pixar's new movie Up, and Inglorious Basterds. The rest will, more than likely, suck a big weinerschnitzel.
The following smaller studio and indie movies, are on my radar as solid choices over the blockbusters: Dead Snow (Nazi Zombie movie), (500) Days of Summer, Taking Woodstock, The Hurt Locker, Away We Go, The Brothers Bloom, The Hangover, Moon, Drag Me to Hell, and Whatever Works. If I had to pick one or two I'd say at least watch the trailers for (500) Days of Summer and Moon. Days of Summer looks irresistibly charming, two words put together you may never hear on the blog again. Here are a few of the trailers. But if you see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past," "Dance Flick," "The Proposal, or "The Ugly Truth", well, we got problems.
Q: I'm 22. Say I go on a first date with a girl that's 20, out to dinner or something. Is it ok to order an alcoholic drink or would that make me seem like too much of a lush? Also, this girl is ridiculously hot. What are some steps to ensure I get at least some thunder down under?
--L. Lohan, Hollywood, CA.
A: Obviously, it depends on what type of girl your going out with. But if she's 20 and your a bit older, I don't think it'll really matter if you order an alcoholic drink. If you really want to be safe about it, I'd just order a glass of wine. But who knows, you might order a martini and she might think your either sophisticated or a drunk. Order what you want. If she doesn't like it, then a reader of my blog shouldn't be going out with her.
To ensure action I would advise three easy steps that might help you: 1) bring a single rose when you go to pick her up. You might have already made a good impression at the bar or wherever you met, but no matter how corny or stupid it seems, it'll give a good first impression and ease some of the tension of the "first date." 2) When she asks what you do, tell her the truth but always say you've got bigger dreams than just being an ordinary _______. But mostly, just really really pay attention and look into her eyes whenever she's talking. Girl's love to talk and they love attention. Even cavemen knew that. 3) Obviously, when your dropping her off, tell her you had a great time (try to tell her a little more creatively though). The key, though, is to tell her she's pretty indirectly. Depending on how she reacts to that, you'll know if you've got an in or not.
I've only been on like two first dates in my life though. And one was at a bar.
Q: With the recent popularity of the "I'm on a Boat" song/video, where would you rank it in terms of the SNL/Lonely Island song parodies? Also, who's the funniest current SNL member besides Andy Samberg? Is there anyone even close?
-P. Seymour Hoffman, McDonalds.
A: In this order: 1) Lazy Sunday, 2) I'm on a Boat, 3) Jizz in My Pants, 4) Natalie's Rap, 5) Iran So Far, 6) Like a Boss, 7) Dick in a Box. Don't argue with me, you know I'm right. As for the 2nd in command to Andy Samberg's comedic brilliance, it's gotta be Bill Hader. Have you seen his "I Drink Your Milkshake" parody? It's probably the funniest skit I've seen in a while. Or his "Sports Talk Show" with the rock. Or his "Wiii Guys" with Alec Baldwin and Andy Samberg. Some funny shit going on there. Check it, yo.
Q: What's more embarrassing: one of your parents catching you masturbating or walking in on one of your grandparents having sex?
--T. Romo, Dallas, TX
A: Jesus. It's most obviously walking in on your grandparents having sex. It would be embarrassing for your parents to walk in on you pleasing yourself to a picture of Miley, but your the one that's going to have to carry the vision of your grandparents doing the nasty (in every sense of the word). I don't blame old people for having sex. I just hope they use discretion. For the sake of humanities sanity, use discretion .
Q: I want to have sex with my half-sister. We're not blood related and she's super hot. Problem is, she's always calling me "brother" and pretending like we're family. How do I get her to realize that, hey, we should really be having sex since we're both hot, single, and living in the same house?
--A. Davis, Oakland, CA
A: This blog is about alcohol. What the hell do you think I'm gonna tell you to do? Get your drunk and flatter the living shit out of her. Then casually mention "you know, we're not even related...." If she calls you brother during sex though, I can't condone continuing that endeavor. Unless that turns you on, then.....ugh....whatever. Too many sex questions this month. Can we switch it up maybe?
Q: Can you name every mixed drink you've ever had? BTW, I'll know if your lying to make it seem like you aren't an alcoholic.
--J. Christ, Amsterdam, Holland.
A: Now here's a question! List: Rum, 151, Everclear, Whiskey & Coke, Vodka, Gin, Tequila & Tonic, Lemonade, Pineapple, Cranberry, Grapefruit, Gatorade, Sprite, Coke, Mountain Dew & Vodka, Whiskey & Amaretto Sours, Crazy Monkey, Margaritas, Daiquiris, Jungle Juice, Zombies, Long Islands, Singapore Sling, Manhattans, White Russian, Banana Mama, 7 & 7, Irish Coffee, Tequila Sunrise, Mint Julep, Mimosa, Mai Tai, Vesper, Rob Roy, Martini, and the most disgusting thing to ever the atmosphere, a Sazerac. (I don't know what's sadder: this list or how it took me barely any time to remember it.)
Q: Can you predict the title of the next five Matthew McCougnaghy romantic comedies? Is he really that hot that girls will see his rom-com's no matter what? I mean, guys are looked at as more sexist and objectifying all the time. Well, noone say "The Spirit" and that had Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson walking around half naked the entire movie. So who's more objectifying? Men or women?
--Z. Efron, Tweener, CA.
A: "Craig's List." "Across the Pond." "I Don't Believe in Love but I Meet a Girl and Fall in Love." "Surfin' for Julie." "Paycheck Whore."
As for your second question, there no doubt women are just as shallow and sexist as men are. No one saw "The Spirit" because it looked like ass and you can see Scarlett and Eva half naked (or naked, in Eva's case) on the internet for free. Women like to pretend they don't use the internet for porn. They LIE !!!! That's why they see Matthew McConaughey movies. To give us the illusion that they don't look at porn or masturbate. Well, it's all lies. They might not do it nearly as much as men, but they do it. ADMIT IT, IT'S HOT WHEN YOU ADMIT IT!!!!
Q: I hate you. You are a vile human being, with nothing more than a vulgar mouth and a sarcastic wit. You encourage binge drinking and pretty much every sin imaginable. You make Perez Hilton look like a respectable human being. Satan lives in you and around you. I wouldn't be surprised if your parents were Charles Manson and Adriana Huffington. The things that come out of your keyboard are baffling, outrageous, and offensive to even the most disturbing of minds. So my question is this. Where do you get your weed?
--T. Fey, New York, NY.
A: E-Mail me. I'll hook you up.
Q: My girlfriend is an alcoholic. I like drinking as much as the next guy but she takes it to a disturbing level. She's wasted more than twice a week and I'm worried about her. Worried in the sense that she's passing out too early to have sex. I'm getting horny. Help me, oh boozer of Narnia, for you are my only hope.
--J. Kimmel, Burbank, CA.
A: Can I have her number? But seriously, if she's passing out too early have more day sex. Besides, day and morning sex is arguably the best sex there is. It's better than coffee for a pick me up and your in a good mood even it's Monday and you gotta go to work for 11 hours. And if that doesn't work, there's always prostitutes and the internet. Or you can break up with her so I can ask her out. Because she kind of sounds like me.
Q: What TV show of the your lifetime has incorporated the best music into their program? Not just the music, but when and how's it used. You can give me your Top 3 if you really want. BTW, if you ever make fun of me on your blog, I'm coming for you. And it'll be about as pretty as Linda Cohn naked.
--NeYo, Watts, CA.
A: Fuck you NeYo, you talentless dance boy. You know who else dances well? Ballerinas. Anyways, the TV program that uses music the best is definitely Scrubs. They come up with great songs to fit the mood and get creative by fitting music into different scenes. If I had to pick two other TV shows that use music well, I'd say Friday Night Lights and Lost. Lost would be nothing without the great mood-setting tone the music brings to the show. And Friday Night Lights? Well, the into for that show alone is enough for me to pick it. Great stuff.
Q: I suck now. Since I suck, how good a chance do the Cubs have at winning the World Series or even making the playoffs? BTW, I'm sorry. My play is horrible, I can't help it. I'm probably hurt again.
--R. Harden, M.Bradley, R. Dempster, K.Gregg, D. Lee, G. Soto, A. Heilman, M. Fontenot, A. Miles, N. Cotts, D. Patton, R. Johnson, J. Gathright, C. Marmol, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: You do all, indeed, suck a big one so far this year. If half of you continue to play like you are now, you don't even have a chance of winning the weak ass NL Central. And that's pathetic. The team made some bad moves this offseason and now you stink. It could be a long, drunk summer at Wrigley if things keep up this way.
Q: You don't talk to much about music. That's a shame because music is a pretty good thing. If you had to pick one musician to sleep with a girl you were dating, who would it be and why? And would you watch/tape?
--J. Bauer, Washington DC
A: If I was dating a girl and I had to answer this question, I'd say Katy Perry (you never said it couldn't be a girl). And yes, I'd watch, tape, and brag about it until my life ended. "Grandkids, my ex-girlfriend once hooked up with a ultra-hot famous pop star and I have it right here, on this tape. Play your cards right and it could be yours in my will."
Q: Would you have sex in a church bathrom, during mass, even when there are speakers in the bathroom broadcasting the mass?
--The Muthafuckin' Pope, Vatican City.
A: (shamefully nods yes) But I wouldn't use a condom. That's a sin and I don't want God too pissed at me, especially when I take over for him.
Another mailbag, another success IMO. This one took a little while to write so I hope you enjoyed it. I'll leave this short since you've probably had enough of me by now anyway. So have a great weekend and enjoy being swine flu-free.
Q: Your signature after every post is signed as "Michael F. Dolan." What does the F stand for in your name?
--Too Scared to Leave His Name, Fraidycatville, USA.
A: I will get to your question in a second sir. I'm not sure who wrote this, but I have a few ideas. It used to stand for Francis but I got it legally changed to "FuckYouKevinDolan." And if it wasn't Kevin Dolan who asked this question in the comments, just substitute your name in there, let me know, and I'll head down to the courthouse tomorrow.
Q: Yeah, you mentioned that you talk about masturbation more on this blog than sex. How long has it been since you've actually had sex? I bet it's a while. And embarrassing.
--P. Russo, Lincoln Park, IL
A: We got a bunch of comedian readers, apparently. Haven't I been over this? I haven't had sex since January 10, 2009. And you know what? I'd have sex with a 4 right now. And come on. Nobody reading this wants to picture me having sex except for me. And I barely want to imagine it.
Q: With all this hubabaloo about swine flu going around, what precautions can I take to, a) not get it and b) if I do, how do I spread it to Rajon Rondo?
--B. Miller, Chicago, IL
A: Well, here are some of the precautions you can take: do not eat bacon, sausage, or pork. Stay away from people that were just in Mexico. Don't have sex with Latina women (I know, a rough sacrifice). Don't go within 20 feet of Mexicans. Don't eat Mexican food. Cut your own lawn. Don't go to Miami. And as for spreading it to Rajon, sneeze on his watermelon then cough on all his black eyed peas. Except for will.i.am. He's a rad dude.
Q: All these blockbusters coming out this summer and most of them will probably suck. What are some of the sure things I can actually not feel bad about spending money on and some other smaller movies coming that are going to wow me?
--M. Al-Jazeer, Tikrit, Iraq.
A: The following "blockbusters" are guaranteed to be good: Star Trek, Pixar's new movie Up, and Inglorious Basterds. The rest will, more than likely, suck a big weinerschnitzel.
The following smaller studio and indie movies, are on my radar as solid choices over the blockbusters: Dead Snow (Nazi Zombie movie), (500) Days of Summer, Taking Woodstock, The Hurt Locker, Away We Go, The Brothers Bloom, The Hangover, Moon, Drag Me to Hell, and Whatever Works. If I had to pick one or two I'd say at least watch the trailers for (500) Days of Summer and Moon. Days of Summer looks irresistibly charming, two words put together you may never hear on the blog again. Here are a few of the trailers. But if you see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past," "Dance Flick," "The Proposal, or "The Ugly Truth", well, we got problems.
Q: I'm 22. Say I go on a first date with a girl that's 20, out to dinner or something. Is it ok to order an alcoholic drink or would that make me seem like too much of a lush? Also, this girl is ridiculously hot. What are some steps to ensure I get at least some thunder down under?
--L. Lohan, Hollywood, CA.
A: Obviously, it depends on what type of girl your going out with. But if she's 20 and your a bit older, I don't think it'll really matter if you order an alcoholic drink. If you really want to be safe about it, I'd just order a glass of wine. But who knows, you might order a martini and she might think your either sophisticated or a drunk. Order what you want. If she doesn't like it, then a reader of my blog shouldn't be going out with her.
To ensure action I would advise three easy steps that might help you: 1) bring a single rose when you go to pick her up. You might have already made a good impression at the bar or wherever you met, but no matter how corny or stupid it seems, it'll give a good first impression and ease some of the tension of the "first date." 2) When she asks what you do, tell her the truth but always say you've got bigger dreams than just being an ordinary _______. But mostly, just really really pay attention and look into her eyes whenever she's talking. Girl's love to talk and they love attention. Even cavemen knew that. 3) Obviously, when your dropping her off, tell her you had a great time (try to tell her a little more creatively though). The key, though, is to tell her she's pretty indirectly. Depending on how she reacts to that, you'll know if you've got an in or not.
I've only been on like two first dates in my life though. And one was at a bar.
Q: With the recent popularity of the "I'm on a Boat" song/video, where would you rank it in terms of the SNL/Lonely Island song parodies? Also, who's the funniest current SNL member besides Andy Samberg? Is there anyone even close?
-P. Seymour Hoffman, McDonalds.
A: In this order: 1) Lazy Sunday, 2) I'm on a Boat, 3) Jizz in My Pants, 4) Natalie's Rap, 5) Iran So Far, 6) Like a Boss, 7) Dick in a Box. Don't argue with me, you know I'm right. As for the 2nd in command to Andy Samberg's comedic brilliance, it's gotta be Bill Hader. Have you seen his "I Drink Your Milkshake" parody? It's probably the funniest skit I've seen in a while. Or his "Sports Talk Show" with the rock. Or his "Wiii Guys" with Alec Baldwin and Andy Samberg. Some funny shit going on there. Check it, yo.
Q: What's more embarrassing: one of your parents catching you masturbating or walking in on one of your grandparents having sex?
--T. Romo, Dallas, TX
A: Jesus. It's most obviously walking in on your grandparents having sex. It would be embarrassing for your parents to walk in on you pleasing yourself to a picture of Miley, but your the one that's going to have to carry the vision of your grandparents doing the nasty (in every sense of the word). I don't blame old people for having sex. I just hope they use discretion. For the sake of humanities sanity, use discretion .
Q: I want to have sex with my half-sister. We're not blood related and she's super hot. Problem is, she's always calling me "brother" and pretending like we're family. How do I get her to realize that, hey, we should really be having sex since we're both hot, single, and living in the same house?
--A. Davis, Oakland, CA
A: This blog is about alcohol. What the hell do you think I'm gonna tell you to do? Get your drunk and flatter the living shit out of her. Then casually mention "you know, we're not even related...." If she calls you brother during sex though, I can't condone continuing that endeavor. Unless that turns you on, then.....ugh....whatever. Too many sex questions this month. Can we switch it up maybe?
Q: Can you name every mixed drink you've ever had? BTW, I'll know if your lying to make it seem like you aren't an alcoholic.
--J. Christ, Amsterdam, Holland.
A: Now here's a question! List: Rum, 151, Everclear, Whiskey & Coke, Vodka, Gin, Tequila & Tonic, Lemonade, Pineapple, Cranberry, Grapefruit, Gatorade, Sprite, Coke, Mountain Dew & Vodka, Whiskey & Amaretto Sours, Crazy Monkey, Margaritas, Daiquiris, Jungle Juice, Zombies, Long Islands, Singapore Sling, Manhattans, White Russian, Banana Mama, 7 & 7, Irish Coffee, Tequila Sunrise, Mint Julep, Mimosa, Mai Tai, Vesper, Rob Roy, Martini, and the most disgusting thing to ever the atmosphere, a Sazerac. (I don't know what's sadder: this list or how it took me barely any time to remember it.)
Q: Can you predict the title of the next five Matthew McCougnaghy romantic comedies? Is he really that hot that girls will see his rom-com's no matter what? I mean, guys are looked at as more sexist and objectifying all the time. Well, noone say "The Spirit" and that had Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson walking around half naked the entire movie. So who's more objectifying? Men or women?
--Z. Efron, Tweener, CA.
A: "Craig's List." "Across the Pond." "I Don't Believe in Love but I Meet a Girl and Fall in Love." "Surfin' for Julie." "Paycheck Whore."
As for your second question, there no doubt women are just as shallow and sexist as men are. No one saw "The Spirit" because it looked like ass and you can see Scarlett and Eva half naked (or naked, in Eva's case) on the internet for free. Women like to pretend they don't use the internet for porn. They LIE !!!! That's why they see Matthew McConaughey movies. To give us the illusion that they don't look at porn or masturbate. Well, it's all lies. They might not do it nearly as much as men, but they do it. ADMIT IT, IT'S HOT WHEN YOU ADMIT IT!!!!
Q: I hate you. You are a vile human being, with nothing more than a vulgar mouth and a sarcastic wit. You encourage binge drinking and pretty much every sin imaginable. You make Perez Hilton look like a respectable human being. Satan lives in you and around you. I wouldn't be surprised if your parents were Charles Manson and Adriana Huffington. The things that come out of your keyboard are baffling, outrageous, and offensive to even the most disturbing of minds. So my question is this. Where do you get your weed?
--T. Fey, New York, NY.
A: E-Mail me. I'll hook you up.
Q: My girlfriend is an alcoholic. I like drinking as much as the next guy but she takes it to a disturbing level. She's wasted more than twice a week and I'm worried about her. Worried in the sense that she's passing out too early to have sex. I'm getting horny. Help me, oh boozer of Narnia, for you are my only hope.
--J. Kimmel, Burbank, CA.
A: Can I have her number? But seriously, if she's passing out too early have more day sex. Besides, day and morning sex is arguably the best sex there is. It's better than coffee for a pick me up and your in a good mood even it's Monday and you gotta go to work for 11 hours. And if that doesn't work, there's always prostitutes and the internet. Or you can break up with her so I can ask her out. Because she kind of sounds like me.
Q: What TV show of the your lifetime has incorporated the best music into their program? Not just the music, but when and how's it used. You can give me your Top 3 if you really want. BTW, if you ever make fun of me on your blog, I'm coming for you. And it'll be about as pretty as Linda Cohn naked.
--NeYo, Watts, CA.
A: Fuck you NeYo, you talentless dance boy. You know who else dances well? Ballerinas. Anyways, the TV program that uses music the best is definitely Scrubs. They come up with great songs to fit the mood and get creative by fitting music into different scenes. If I had to pick two other TV shows that use music well, I'd say Friday Night Lights and Lost. Lost would be nothing without the great mood-setting tone the music brings to the show. And Friday Night Lights? Well, the into for that show alone is enough for me to pick it. Great stuff.
Q: I suck now. Since I suck, how good a chance do the Cubs have at winning the World Series or even making the playoffs? BTW, I'm sorry. My play is horrible, I can't help it. I'm probably hurt again.
--R. Harden, M.Bradley, R. Dempster, K.Gregg, D. Lee, G. Soto, A. Heilman, M. Fontenot, A. Miles, N. Cotts, D. Patton, R. Johnson, J. Gathright, C. Marmol, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: You do all, indeed, suck a big one so far this year. If half of you continue to play like you are now, you don't even have a chance of winning the weak ass NL Central. And that's pathetic. The team made some bad moves this offseason and now you stink. It could be a long, drunk summer at Wrigley if things keep up this way.
Q: You don't talk to much about music. That's a shame because music is a pretty good thing. If you had to pick one musician to sleep with a girl you were dating, who would it be and why? And would you watch/tape?
--J. Bauer, Washington DC
A: If I was dating a girl and I had to answer this question, I'd say Katy Perry (you never said it couldn't be a girl). And yes, I'd watch, tape, and brag about it until my life ended. "Grandkids, my ex-girlfriend once hooked up with a ultra-hot famous pop star and I have it right here, on this tape. Play your cards right and it could be yours in my will."
Q: Would you have sex in a church bathrom, during mass, even when there are speakers in the bathroom broadcasting the mass?
--The Muthafuckin' Pope, Vatican City.
A: (shamefully nods yes) But I wouldn't use a condom. That's a sin and I don't want God too pissed at me, especially when I take over for him.
Another mailbag, another success IMO. This one took a little while to write so I hope you enjoyed it. I'll leave this short since you've probably had enough of me by now anyway. So have a great weekend and enjoy being swine flu-free.
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