Admittedly, I would never even think of writing anything about musicals on my alcohol blog. But after losing a ridiculous bet, in which the Goo Goo Dolls were referred to as a "Rock and Roll" "band", I decided that I'd relish the chance to tackle the stage. Why? Well, if nothing else than to prove that I can make something I know nothing about seem like The Second Coming of Christ in blog form. No Use in wasting time. Let's get to the 10 Most Influential Stage Musicals of the 20th Century Onwards.
10. RENT
First Staged: April 29, 1996 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 5,124
Influence: Besides "Seasons of Love" becoming a big hit outside the music, the cultural impact of Rent is substantial. Dealing with controversial themes such as AIDS, homosexuality, and being a snobby New York artist, it was controversial from the onset. With it's cheap ticket prices, catchy music, and taboo themes, it become very popular among youngsters, ushering a generation's worth of love for musical theatre that likely wouldn't have been obtained otherwise. But I will forever dislike it for influencing my Catholic High School to make everyone sing "Seasons of Love" at the end of every mass.
9. Les Miserables
First Staged: 1980 (Paris)
Shows Performed: 6,680 (not including revival)
Influence: This historical fiction wonder has spurned out popular songs like "I Dreamed a Dream" and "On My Own," which I hear are quite beautiful. Even though French people suck, a good tale of redemption is welcome as long as some French people die. There are no spoken lines in this musical, every line of dialogue is sung. How annoying would that be in real life? "Honey, I forgot the keyssssss!" The French Revolution is one of the most interesting topic in history, and the fact the a musical about it became so popular is quite something.
8. Hair: The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical
First Staged: April 1968 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: At least 4,000, including revivals.
Influence: This one is quite the controversial one. It began the genre of "rock-musicals," used a racially integrated cast, and invited the audience on stage for the ending. It's hippie-counter cultural themes (Like smoking weed and not working) and music made it extremely popular in an anti-Vietnam America, even having a few of its songs used as protest songs. Profanity, sex, drugs, degradation of the American flag, and nudity? Count me in! "Hair" quite simply came out at the perfect time, with the perfect topic.
7. South Pacific
First Staged: April 7, 1949 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: At least 5,000 but probably many more. It was hard to find an exact number. There were a ton of revivals.
Influence: I'm assuming this about the South Pacific island during World War II when they were getting capped and bombed and crap but I don't feel like reading about it. So what I'll tell you is this: it's the only musical to ever win all 4 acting Tony's. Most of it's songs have become worldwide standards and it is one of the best reviewed musicals to ever grace the magnificent stage.
6. Fiddler On the Roof
First Staged: September 22, 1964 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 3, 242 (Not including revivals)
Influence: Being a Jew in Russia is probably STILL tough, so I can't imagine it in 1905. Being one of the only ones on the list I've actually seen, and fallen asleep to, you'd think I'd know more about it. Well, the only thing I remember really is that "I'm a rich man..." song. But from what I read, it is one of the highest selling and best reviewed musicals ever. It's spawned a successful film adaptation and is known around the world. Except Russia, I presume. And any musical that supports anti-Russian sentiment is OK by me.
5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
First Staged: March 1, 1979 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Including revivals, around 1,000
Influence: This thriller was interesting in that it's such a bloody, angry, but somehow catchy musical. I'm thinking that's how it got so popular. It probably has the best premise for any musical on this list, as murder, revenge, and characters with a great deal of mystique are already interesting. Throw in catchy music and you might just be onto something! Coupled with a decent film, Sweeney Todd is unlike anything else on this list and that's precisely the reason it's on here.
4. Cabaret
First Staged: November 20, 1966 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Around 4,000 (including revivals)
Influence: "Life is a Cabaret, old chum." Indeed. A racy play that wasn't afraid to delve into the issues, "Cabaret" was about more than just dancing. Set in Pre-WWII Germany, it's about a romance between a American writer and a British dancer in the Kit Kat Klub. Now, I've also seen this one, although it was a college performance, and I quite liked it. The music is snappy and perfect for the subject matter, and would be controversial for the 60s. The club plays a good metaphor for the state of the country at the time, and it really is heartbreaking at times. So...yeah, that's why it's here.
3. My Fair Lady
First Staged: March 15, 1956 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Close to 5,000 (not including revivals)
Influence: Many refer to My Fair Lady as "the perfect musical" and I'm hard pressed to disagree, since I haven't seen it, nor do I know a lick about it. Turning Eliza Doolitle into a lady captured the hearts and ears of many viewers, smashing box-office records and redefining the musical. Plus, tons of its songs have grown to be part of popular culture, as well as their own Wikipedia pages. Critics throughout the ages have praised it continuously without fail. My Fair Lady? More like My OUTSTANDING Lady! Ugh. Moving on....
2. West Side Story
First Staged: September 27, 1957 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Over 2,000 (not including revivals)
Influence: By far the most recognized and imitated musical of all-time, West Side Story is perhaps the most iconic musical there is. It truly brought about a turning point in American theatre. With it's dark themes, complicated songs and dance numbers, and, most of all, it's focus on social problems were extremely new concepts for the theatre going public to see. That's not even mentioning how popular the score of the musical was/is. Rave reviews and extremely positive audience reaction aside, West Side Story truly changed the way American theatre was done from then on.
1. Gypsy: A Musical Fable
First Staged: May 21, 1958 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 702 (not including revivals)
Influence: Through all my searches and analysis, Gypsy kept coming up number one. Dealing with the hardships of a gypsy trying to make it in the musical theatre business, it's a very American tale of trying to succeed in a country with so many opportunities. Some say it's American musical theater's answer to King Lear, which I've heard of so it must be popular. The staging and choreography are said to mesh perfectly with the musical comedy's tone and the score is funny, catchy, and written by two of musical theater's most popular and creative composers. It's tough, it's raw, but it's funny and touching. It's got everything musical theater promises for it's audience and performers, both as a metaphor and as a reality. Gypsy is a story of an ambitious mother fighting to get her daughters successful on the stage. And sometimes, the simplest, most direct metaphors are the most powerful. Create a successful pop song and you're a star. Create a successful pop song with a powerful metaphor and you're a genius. And Gypsy may just be the work of pure genius.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Drunk With Power
HIstory is a funny thing. What you read in textbooks or what you perceive to have happened isn't always the case. As history is most often written by the winners, facts and details are often skewed to skew future perspective. But make no mistake, one thing never changes, no matter how long the timeline: everyone wants the power. The ones that get it often abuse it to further their own agenda or just simply keep themselves on top. But history's most evil men often skew perspective. So I've decided to take a bit of perspective back. Here are Drunk With Power: The True Motivations Behind History's Most Evil Dictators.
Adolf Hitler
Mini-Bio: Hitler is synonmous with evil and the Holocaust. He was born in Austria, poor, and moved to Germany in 1913. His mustache is also a risky look, but he seemed to pull it off.
Years in Power: Was Chancellor (Dictator) of Germany from 1933 to 1945.
True Motives: Hitler killed a lot of Jews, as you all well know. His anti-semitism started in Vienna as a child, as Vienna was a hotbed for religious intolerance and racism at the time. Contrary to what most know, anti-Semitism and angst towards the Jewish people was already in high supply in Germany before Hitler came to power. It's just that no politician would say it--until Hitler. Hitler's popularity grew immensely and quickly. As the Great Depression hit, angst towards Jews hit a fever pitch, as the Jewish people ran most of the business that remained unaffected by the financial disaster that hit most of Germany's working class. With Hitler saying what the people were thinking, it was only a matter of time before Hitler had unlimited power and the Jewish people were being executed for the mere crime of just being alive.
Joseph Stalin
Mini-Bio: Stalin was born in Georgia, when it was still just a province in the Russian Empire. He is known for his careless quotes about genocide and having a very well-groomed mustache, as opposed to Hitler. Was studying to be a priest but was expelled for not being able to pay tuition.
Years in Power: Ruled over the Soviet Union from 1922-1953.
True Motives: After leaving the seminary, Stalin became a revolutionary whilst committing petty crimes like bank robbery, before moving up to murdering other revolutionaries. He was arrested and sent to Siberian exile SEVEN times, but escaped back to civilization every time. He met Lenin by overthrowing a newspaper editor and supporting the upheaval of the Tsar, then in power. He helped Lenin escape to Finland and was tight with him until he took power. Stalin was his 2nd-In-Command and when Lenin died, Stalin took power. He created a personality cult around him, tightened intelligence agencies, and started to arrest and deport citzens for the smallest suspicion of anti-government behavior. His forced crop collectivization caused a massive famine and nearly 15 million deaths. Stalin's rise and time in power needed no motivation--the man truly believed he was doing the right thing, at least for himself. Paranoia and ego was the only motivation he needed.
King Leopold II
Mini-Bio: Took over the throne upon his father's death and facilitated numerous building projects across Belgium through his mining and raping of the Congo Free State, now known as the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Years in Power: Was King of Belgium from 1865-1909 and founder/owner of the Congo Free State.
True Motives: Leopold II was not the smartest man to ever take the Belgian crown. He believed it was essential to his legacy and his country's legacy to add overseas colonies to Belgium's rule. He established the Congo Free State, as it was rich in ivory and rubber, but the jungle terrain was unfamiliar and deadly. As it was already an expensive and debt-ridden venture, he ordered forced labor among the natives. Enslavement, torture, mutilation, and forced labor in the harsh jungle condition caused upwards of 5-15 million deaths among the natives, likely leaning towards the higher number. That was half the Congo Free State's population. His take over of the Congo Free State also influenced other countries such as France, Germany, and Portugal to mimic such tactics to rape and exploit other African lands. In other words, Leopold's drug was greed and the African people were the only ones to feel the negative effects, Leopold II dying comfortably and unpunished in Belgium years later.
Kim Il-Sung
Mini-Bio: There's little consensus as to the true origins of Kim Il-Sung (Father of now-batshit insane ruler of North Korea, Kim Jung-Il), he became president by being appointed by Stalin as a communist figurehead. He was "created out of nothing" by Stalin, so the North Korean people surely thank him for that.
Years in Power: President (Dictator) of North Korea from 1948-1994
True Motives: North Korea was poor at the end of the Korean War and Kim's hold on power was weak. He scared his people into fearing him by, like Stalin, purging some of its population and sending them to work camps or killing them, without even a dummy trial, which Stalin at least had the semi-decency to do. His purges of a large percentage of the population continued throughout his reign, to both quell the poverty/starvation overtaking his country and to prevent political dissidence. North Korea was/is isolated completely and without much help from it's allies, Kim Il-Sung used the little resources North Korea had to build up an army and live in luxury.
Pol Pot
Mini-Bio: Rose from a moderately wealthy upbringing to leader of the Khmer Rouge, the Cambodian Communist Party, due to his literal stupidity, as the group wanted to appeal to the uneducated.
Years in Power: Was Prime Minister of Democratic Kampuchea (modern day Cambodia) from 1976-1979
True Motives: Pol Pot was influenced by his time in France, where he joined numerous Communist organizations. He quickly rose in the Khmer Rouge when he returned to Cambodia and became it's leader. The group took over the government because of a disagreement over the price of rice. America's Vietnam campaign, which spilled over occasionally into Cambodia, gave Pol Pot increased support among the population. He evacuated entire urban cities to the countryside for forced labor to collect crops, as the country was sinking into poverty. It's said about 2 million people, or a quarter of the population, died in work camps under his reign. He forced large groups to literally dig their own mass graves. Pol Pot's motivation was to create a utopian society in which everyone was a peasant farmer, calling this "Year Zero" and his power was fragile, moving the educated, influential people from urban areas into labor camps, basically destroying the opposition. Paranoia and delusion were Pol Pot's drink(s) of choice.
Ismail Enver and The Three Pashas
Mini-Bio: Went to military school most of his life. Was a leader of a Turkish youth movement that successfully overtook power, as well as the leader of numerous military conquests thereafter.
Years in Power: Minister of War and Part of The Three Pashas, a three-way dictatorship in the Ottoman Empire until the end of the Ottoman Empire and his exile (1913-1918).
True Motives: Non-Muslim sentiment was widespread in the Ottoman Empire (Turkey), with Jews and Christians not even able to obtain equal rights. Under the military dictatorship, Armenians started to ask for autonomy and equal rights, and eventually unrest and massacres of Armenian civilians occurred all over the countries. And it was then that mass burnings, poisonings, and death marches were ordered with extermination camps set up to destroy the Armenian people. The motivation behind the killings were simply religious intolerance and ignorance, along with military strategy with Armenia sitting right between Russia and Ottoman Empire. Enver lived for military strategy and could care less about the lives of Christian Armenians that got in his way of Russia.
Mao Zedong
Mini-Bio: Mao was a poor Chinese peasant who rose gradually through the ranks until he became one of the most important people in the history of China and the 20th century.
Years in Power: Chairman of the Communist Party of China (Dictator) from 1943-1976
True Motives: Mao's motivations were the same as Stalin's: to create a country full of workers making the same amount of money and living equally. Mao had a much larger population to deal with, making it impossible to feed the hungry hard-working Chinese picking crops. Thus, famine ensued and millions upon millions died. Many assume that Mao used this to lower the ever-growing Chinese population and be able to feed, but it's impossible to know his true motivations. Like Stalin, Mao also had labor camps, detaining political dissidents, journalists, and anti-communists. Mao's case is the most interesting because, besides the 40-60 million that died under his reign, the more people that he killed, it's unknown as to why he became so paranoid. He gave his soldiers "death quotas" in addition to the mandatory killings he ordered. He formed a personality cult, with nobody being able to speak out with fear of death. Unlike other dictators, Mao truly believed he was helping the Chinese people create a better China. His true motivation was really to create a better China, and not for selfish reasons. Tragedy notwithstanding, Mao truly was one of the interesting politicians to ever live.
Adolf Hitler
Mini-Bio: Hitler is synonmous with evil and the Holocaust. He was born in Austria, poor, and moved to Germany in 1913. His mustache is also a risky look, but he seemed to pull it off.
Years in Power: Was Chancellor (Dictator) of Germany from 1933 to 1945.
True Motives: Hitler killed a lot of Jews, as you all well know. His anti-semitism started in Vienna as a child, as Vienna was a hotbed for religious intolerance and racism at the time. Contrary to what most know, anti-Semitism and angst towards the Jewish people was already in high supply in Germany before Hitler came to power. It's just that no politician would say it--until Hitler. Hitler's popularity grew immensely and quickly. As the Great Depression hit, angst towards Jews hit a fever pitch, as the Jewish people ran most of the business that remained unaffected by the financial disaster that hit most of Germany's working class. With Hitler saying what the people were thinking, it was only a matter of time before Hitler had unlimited power and the Jewish people were being executed for the mere crime of just being alive.
Joseph Stalin
Mini-Bio: Stalin was born in Georgia, when it was still just a province in the Russian Empire. He is known for his careless quotes about genocide and having a very well-groomed mustache, as opposed to Hitler. Was studying to be a priest but was expelled for not being able to pay tuition.
Years in Power: Ruled over the Soviet Union from 1922-1953.
True Motives: After leaving the seminary, Stalin became a revolutionary whilst committing petty crimes like bank robbery, before moving up to murdering other revolutionaries. He was arrested and sent to Siberian exile SEVEN times, but escaped back to civilization every time. He met Lenin by overthrowing a newspaper editor and supporting the upheaval of the Tsar, then in power. He helped Lenin escape to Finland and was tight with him until he took power. Stalin was his 2nd-In-Command and when Lenin died, Stalin took power. He created a personality cult around him, tightened intelligence agencies, and started to arrest and deport citzens for the smallest suspicion of anti-government behavior. His forced crop collectivization caused a massive famine and nearly 15 million deaths. Stalin's rise and time in power needed no motivation--the man truly believed he was doing the right thing, at least for himself. Paranoia and ego was the only motivation he needed.
King Leopold II
Mini-Bio: Took over the throne upon his father's death and facilitated numerous building projects across Belgium through his mining and raping of the Congo Free State, now known as the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Years in Power: Was King of Belgium from 1865-1909 and founder/owner of the Congo Free State.
True Motives: Leopold II was not the smartest man to ever take the Belgian crown. He believed it was essential to his legacy and his country's legacy to add overseas colonies to Belgium's rule. He established the Congo Free State, as it was rich in ivory and rubber, but the jungle terrain was unfamiliar and deadly. As it was already an expensive and debt-ridden venture, he ordered forced labor among the natives. Enslavement, torture, mutilation, and forced labor in the harsh jungle condition caused upwards of 5-15 million deaths among the natives, likely leaning towards the higher number. That was half the Congo Free State's population. His take over of the Congo Free State also influenced other countries such as France, Germany, and Portugal to mimic such tactics to rape and exploit other African lands. In other words, Leopold's drug was greed and the African people were the only ones to feel the negative effects, Leopold II dying comfortably and unpunished in Belgium years later.
Kim Il-Sung
Mini-Bio: There's little consensus as to the true origins of Kim Il-Sung (Father of now-batshit insane ruler of North Korea, Kim Jung-Il), he became president by being appointed by Stalin as a communist figurehead. He was "created out of nothing" by Stalin, so the North Korean people surely thank him for that.
Years in Power: President (Dictator) of North Korea from 1948-1994
True Motives: North Korea was poor at the end of the Korean War and Kim's hold on power was weak. He scared his people into fearing him by, like Stalin, purging some of its population and sending them to work camps or killing them, without even a dummy trial, which Stalin at least had the semi-decency to do. His purges of a large percentage of the population continued throughout his reign, to both quell the poverty/starvation overtaking his country and to prevent political dissidence. North Korea was/is isolated completely and without much help from it's allies, Kim Il-Sung used the little resources North Korea had to build up an army and live in luxury.
Pol Pot
Mini-Bio: Rose from a moderately wealthy upbringing to leader of the Khmer Rouge, the Cambodian Communist Party, due to his literal stupidity, as the group wanted to appeal to the uneducated.
Years in Power: Was Prime Minister of Democratic Kampuchea (modern day Cambodia) from 1976-1979
True Motives: Pol Pot was influenced by his time in France, where he joined numerous Communist organizations. He quickly rose in the Khmer Rouge when he returned to Cambodia and became it's leader. The group took over the government because of a disagreement over the price of rice. America's Vietnam campaign, which spilled over occasionally into Cambodia, gave Pol Pot increased support among the population. He evacuated entire urban cities to the countryside for forced labor to collect crops, as the country was sinking into poverty. It's said about 2 million people, or a quarter of the population, died in work camps under his reign. He forced large groups to literally dig their own mass graves. Pol Pot's motivation was to create a utopian society in which everyone was a peasant farmer, calling this "Year Zero" and his power was fragile, moving the educated, influential people from urban areas into labor camps, basically destroying the opposition. Paranoia and delusion were Pol Pot's drink(s) of choice.
Ismail Enver and The Three Pashas
Mini-Bio: Went to military school most of his life. Was a leader of a Turkish youth movement that successfully overtook power, as well as the leader of numerous military conquests thereafter.
Years in Power: Minister of War and Part of The Three Pashas, a three-way dictatorship in the Ottoman Empire until the end of the Ottoman Empire and his exile (1913-1918).
True Motives: Non-Muslim sentiment was widespread in the Ottoman Empire (Turkey), with Jews and Christians not even able to obtain equal rights. Under the military dictatorship, Armenians started to ask for autonomy and equal rights, and eventually unrest and massacres of Armenian civilians occurred all over the countries. And it was then that mass burnings, poisonings, and death marches were ordered with extermination camps set up to destroy the Armenian people. The motivation behind the killings were simply religious intolerance and ignorance, along with military strategy with Armenia sitting right between Russia and Ottoman Empire. Enver lived for military strategy and could care less about the lives of Christian Armenians that got in his way of Russia.
Mao Zedong
Mini-Bio: Mao was a poor Chinese peasant who rose gradually through the ranks until he became one of the most important people in the history of China and the 20th century.
Years in Power: Chairman of the Communist Party of China (Dictator) from 1943-1976
True Motives: Mao's motivations were the same as Stalin's: to create a country full of workers making the same amount of money and living equally. Mao had a much larger population to deal with, making it impossible to feed the hungry hard-working Chinese picking crops. Thus, famine ensued and millions upon millions died. Many assume that Mao used this to lower the ever-growing Chinese population and be able to feed, but it's impossible to know his true motivations. Like Stalin, Mao also had labor camps, detaining political dissidents, journalists, and anti-communists. Mao's case is the most interesting because, besides the 40-60 million that died under his reign, the more people that he killed, it's unknown as to why he became so paranoid. He gave his soldiers "death quotas" in addition to the mandatory killings he ordered. He formed a personality cult, with nobody being able to speak out with fear of death. Unlike other dictators, Mao truly believed he was helping the Chinese people create a better China. His true motivation was really to create a better China, and not for selfish reasons. Tragedy notwithstanding, Mao truly was one of the interesting politicians to ever live.
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Weekend Battle: How much is too much on the 1st Date?
The Weekend Battle is back for the second week in a row and this week we have a great debate between myself and my alterish-ego that writes this ridiculousness. Why waste any time though? Let's battle it out Mikel Dolena! How Much Is Too Much Drinky On the First Date?
0-1 Drinks
How To Greet Your Date in German(y)
The Impression You're Making: I'm too nervous to order more than one drink because I (a) really like you or (b) want to leave as soon as possible.
Too Much? Not at all. Although it might seem a little weird if one of you orders a double martini and the other sticks with water. This is what most people stick with. Why you ask? Well, the answer is simple: most people don't like being judged. And a first date is basically a job interview. "Oh you've got relationship experience? You have a lucrative job? That large bulge in your pants isn't an iPhone?" All common questions that one gets on a first date. Unless you're Amish.
2-3 Drinks
"High-Five! Wait...No, I'm Breaking Up With You."
The Impression You're Making: I can let loose a little bit and I'm subconsciously wanting a little bit to happen tonight.
Too Much? It's only too much if you're the only one doing it. Drinking on a date is a good way to get to "know:" someone. Also, it depends what you're drinking. Two or Three glasses of wine? Nothing wrong with that. But if you're getting two or three long island iced teas you might wanna re-think your strategy. However, if you really want something to happen (I'm talking about sex, people) you should maybe bring up something like "Oh, maybe we should get a bottle of wine? I don't know about you, but I don't have to work tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!" OK, maybe not. That sounds a little creepy.
4+ Drinks
In Soviet Russian, Mail-Order Bride Buys You!
The Impression You're Making: I'm an alcoholic, a slut, or I just wanna get laid tonight.
Too Much? Unless you're having a first date at a bar, this is just too much. You are a loose hussy. A crazy ho. Me and all my bro friends look down on your kind. Doesn't mean we ain't gonna hook up later though, boo. I'll take you back to my place, we can put on the Kool and the Gang CD, maybe pop open a bottle of some of that classy Arbor Mist wine you like. Mmhmm. Then I'll call you sometime later this week. If I get time, I'm swamped at work lately, girl. No, that girl in the picture by my bed is my sister, not my girlfriend, don't be silly! We aren't kissing, you're just a little drunk. OK, you should go though. My number is 550-55055. No, that's not 10 numbers. No, I don't have an area code. OK BYE!
0-1 Drinks
How To Greet Your Date in German(y)The Impression You're Making: I'm too nervous to order more than one drink because I (a) really like you or (b) want to leave as soon as possible.
Too Much? Not at all. Although it might seem a little weird if one of you orders a double martini and the other sticks with water. This is what most people stick with. Why you ask? Well, the answer is simple: most people don't like being judged. And a first date is basically a job interview. "Oh you've got relationship experience? You have a lucrative job? That large bulge in your pants isn't an iPhone?" All common questions that one gets on a first date. Unless you're Amish.
2-3 Drinks
"High-Five! Wait...No, I'm Breaking Up With You."The Impression You're Making: I can let loose a little bit and I'm subconsciously wanting a little bit to happen tonight.
Too Much? It's only too much if you're the only one doing it. Drinking on a date is a good way to get to "know:" someone. Also, it depends what you're drinking. Two or Three glasses of wine? Nothing wrong with that. But if you're getting two or three long island iced teas you might wanna re-think your strategy. However, if you really want something to happen (I'm talking about sex, people) you should maybe bring up something like "Oh, maybe we should get a bottle of wine? I don't know about you, but I don't have to work tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!" OK, maybe not. That sounds a little creepy.
4+ Drinks
In Soviet Russian, Mail-Order Bride Buys You!The Impression You're Making: I'm an alcoholic, a slut, or I just wanna get laid tonight.
Too Much? Unless you're having a first date at a bar, this is just too much. You are a loose hussy. A crazy ho. Me and all my bro friends look down on your kind. Doesn't mean we ain't gonna hook up later though, boo. I'll take you back to my place, we can put on the Kool and the Gang CD, maybe pop open a bottle of some of that classy Arbor Mist wine you like. Mmhmm. Then I'll call you sometime later this week. If I get time, I'm swamped at work lately, girl. No, that girl in the picture by my bed is my sister, not my girlfriend, don't be silly! We aren't kissing, you're just a little drunk. OK, you should go though. My number is 550-55055. No, that's not 10 numbers. No, I don't have an area code. OK BYE!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: Fight to the Finish
Welcome ladies and men to the final real-time pom pom review. And we can all breathe a little deeper knowing that, although the Bring it On series is over, it still lives on in our hearts. I figured Id finish this segment while I still have time on my hands so let's get right down to brass tacks and watch some cheerleading I'm psyched. Drunk Real-Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On 438
00:00:00: It doesn't matter what I'm drinking since, when you're watching Bring It On 5, everything taste like dog pee. Not coincidently, I think my dad's girlfriend's dog that we're watching just peed on my bedroom rug. That's dynamite.
00:00:30: Hmmm Christina Milian is the lead. She's looking OK.
00:01:24: Stereotypical black people face off versus male latin gang members in a cheer off. I'm not joking.
00:02:09: Is it ironic when Mexicans wear wife beaters while dancing to "Lean Like a Cholo"?
00:02:42: More dancing. It could be worse, they could be acting.
00:03:12: Oh it's a dream and Christina's pissed her mom married a gringo. So cliche.
00:03:45: Poor her. She has to go live in Malibu. That's the worst.
00:04:40: Last day in East LA. Do white people actually marry latina women? Ay yay yay overpopulationa.
00:05:32: These people are making it hard to make fun of them by not doing anything. Do something.
00:06:15: Oh here we go. This guy does a head bob everytime he ends a sentence. I wonder where he got that habit....
00:06:49: Now they're going through security to get into class. I remember this one time at my high school, we all had to stay in line for a fire drill. That's kinda similar, no?
00:07:55: Latin people sure do have big butts. That's all I got.
00:08:27: A "cheer-wreck" and "cheer-ocide" is more like it, morons.
00:09:00: I think I could jump through those girls earings. OOOOO sexy latin music in spanky shorts. This rum is starting to taste good.
00:09:49: Hmmm yeah wipe yourself off girl. Wipe that sweat all over. Wait thats gross.
00:10:27: Broken spanish, so heartwarming as Christina says goodbye to beautiful Compton.
00:11:09: Pan out and we get a nice little view of LA. Or Salt Lake City, whatever they could afford probably.
00:11:59: I like her silver belt. So shiny.
00:12:36: This is alot sadder than the other Bring It On's. I know...shocking.
00:13:11: What the hell is this ginger doing here? Don't they know this is about disadvantaged minorities overcoming possible odds?!
00:14:00: Damn that girl is like really ginger. It's like they put makeup on her to make her more ginger. But how can you take away more of a soul that's not there?
00:14:36: Chrissy's wearing an "I'm so gangster" shirt. I think if you have to wear that shirt, you're as gangster as me when I had blonde hair.
00:15:11: Ginger's got a cheer cabinet full of cheer trophies. WILL THEY LEARN TO CHEER-SPECT EACH OTHER?
00:15:55: Three Jaguar's pull up in a row and the girls that get out....guess their nicknames....yup, The Jaguars. AND they're cheerleaders.
00:16:40: Bicker Bicker Bicker Wah Wah Wah. I can smell the menstruation.
00:17:30: Oh, they're Cuban. I'd smoke you, but that'd be illegal. Nope, that was too much. Terrible, Mike.
00:18:11: Preppy guy named Evan is wearing neon under a sweater with weird hair. My guess: closeted man-lover.
00:19:09: Label-whores. I don't get the nickname "Jalepeno," is that some sorta Malibuian thing?
00:19:55: Good point. Why DO people say No Offense then just offend you? Life lessons from the Asian nerd with a lisp!
00:20:39: Hydraulics leads to a sex joke leads to my second drink.
00:21:41: She gets to take a limo home? This bitch is mopey for a Cuban. Does that make sense?
00:22:20: Now the ginger looks ever LESS ginger. These makeup people need to fiiiiiired
00:22:59: White people dancing in yellow. At least Christina has hear cleavage hanging out. Why do latin people wear such annoying earrings. They're distracting me from her boobs.
00:23:58: She's gonna fall for the man-lover. Could've called that one. And Christina shoots a basketball like my girlfriend shoots....you know what? I'm gonna stop there. (Hint: I was gonna say pool. POCKET POOL! BWAHAHAHHAHA!)
00:24:59: Damn I need to get her personal trainers number. But how can she do all these cheers while not looking at them and being with them for the first time? I'll let it go, since the rest of the movie is Oscar quality.
00:25:49: Christina made the team and was named team captain. Captain of Latin-Boobville.
00:26:22: Anyone ever have Cuban food? I have a hankering for some Cuban Fish Tacos. (note: vagina references are always funny)
00:27:16: Hahaha the horn was a Mexican Hat Dance. But they're CUBAN.
00:28:01: No cheerleader left behind. That's been the plan from day 1, darling. That's why we let it go that you're all dumb.
00:28:44: A Dora the Explorer reference....can't go wrong there. (the sad thing is, I'm not joking.)
00:29:19: OK, you can't just put the word cheer in front of everything. Cheerbarasment? Look in the mirror, everyone in this movie.
00:30:00: A lot more cleavage and skankiness in this one. Hooray!
00:30:30: Sea Lions vs. Jaguars! I'd like to see who'd win....UNDERWATER!
00:31:01: That's not the only reason that girl dances with her tongue out!
00:31:29: That girl needs a tummy tuck. Oh don't act like I'm vain. 104 pounds is too much and you know it.
00:32:34: What's that girl complaining about? Christina is rocking it like T-Party. Is that a rapper? It should be. Think about it.
00:33:29: All her friends are moving into their Malibu house. Not stereotypical latinos at all. Next they'll be carpooling!
00:34:19: Shake what yo' mama gave you? They're white, silly Latins! You get butts, we get money.
00:34:55: How does this Cuban dude have sick rims/hydraulics and a customized license plate? Oh wait, he bummed some cash for gas. Back to normal.
00:35:45: I think man-lover and Christina are cheersexing. DIRTY!
00:36:28: Oh man-lover and the weird latino dude are bonding.
00:37:09: A latin bro? Can I be a white homey?
00:38:00: Pathetic, man-lover. Say something charming already and charm me. I mean Christina.
00:38:38: Basketball game. Cheering at halftime. Wait, I don't get it....why are the Latin girls from Compton at the Malibu school? I'll let it go, but only because I'm expecting big things from this franchise in the future.
00:39:44: Say what you will about bitches, they sure are hotter than nice girls.
00:40:30: Classic sea-lion vs. jaguar battle. WHO WILL RULE THE ANIMAL KINGDOM OF THE MALIBU JUNGLE?
00:40:54: The only time "This is sea lion territory" have ever been uttered in the history of cinema.
00:41:38: Chiquita Banana? Classic!
00:42:09: I just checked....this movie is 110 minutes! What happened to my mericful 90 minute runtimes?
00:43:11: How DO latin girls move their hips like that? Who cares. Why am I questioning perfecton.
00:44:00: Lisp Fried Rice is getting down with the Latin Kings. It's not racist if it's delicious.
00:44:50: I think Christina is wearing glitter as a top. What would your mother say? (Thanks for the free money, Christina chiciquita bonita)
00:45:48: Man-lover is wearing a fedora. I love fedoras. Their like the white sombreros.
00:46:18: Lisp asian is hot now. And I haven't even had any sake yet.
00:47: 22: You just can't be looking at people? This is stranger than that time I got lost and asked for directions to Anchorage and the guy told me to "Just take Lake Shore Drive 3 miles north." Is there cocaine in my rum?
00:48:49: Graffiti jeans! The new trend in East Los. Catch ON NOW
00:49:14: I never thought I'd say this, but that is one badass plant.
00:49:30: Hold your chest up. Take Christina's advice, all girls that are reading this. A push up bra wouldn't hurt either.
00:50:30: Christina wears alot of Abercrombie for someone from Compton.
00:51:01: And with a little inspiration, the reject cheerleaders are now professional dancers. It's a Malibuiricle!
00:51:38: A Cheer-gasm has made it's first appearance and it's because of a guy in pink. I mean....he's gotta love cock.
00:52:49: How is the ginger this pale? She lives OFF THE BEACH.
00:53:28: How come gay boys always get the hottest girls? Am I right, men?
00:54:22: Acoustic guitar? They should've just casted John Mayer in the role of douchebag metrosexual.
00:55:19: That is some epic bird shit that ruined a kiss. Thank god.
00:55:40: MONTAGE TO CHEESY POP MUSIC ON THE BEACH. WELCOME TO THE OC, BITCH.
00:56:39: Haha the United Nations. Cause they're all minorities. Hahaha.
00:57:23: Hold up, I'm tweeting.
00:58:30: Debate about Tila Tequila's nationality. Whore isn't a nationality, girls.
00:59:19: Bluetooth: still only for douchebags.
00:59:40: I'm switching to beer. I'm sorry, I"m just running out of my dad's free booze. And I'm pretty drunk.
01:00:23: Evil plotting.
01:01:31: Illegal cheer-igrants?
01:01:45: Man-Lover feels like Cinderella. My theory is holding more water than a 8-month pregnant fat girl.
01:02:45: Illegal transfers! The team is ruined. Typical sea lions! Always getting into near-extinction!
01:03:55: Polka dot dress. Really, ginger girl? You can afford better. AND WITH THAT COMPLEXTION! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!
01:04:49: Ginger just did a absolutely hideous impression of a Latin Robot Girl. Thank god Christina at least called out her dress. And a pop song by Christina herself comes on. How talented.
01:05:55: A Cuban sewing for free? Not stereotypical.
01:06:18: Ginger makeover! Guess what? You still don't have a soul beneath that makeup and yellow polka dots! I don't care how cute as a button you look!
01:07:40: Wow. Leather pants are really bringing out the ass in ass.
01:08:29: Tuck in your shirt with that tie, man-lover.
01:09:23: Lisp Fried Rice was going for sizzling. Only if there's shrimp that comes with you.
01:09:44: LADY GAGA PLAYS AS WE JUST DANCE OUR BAD ROMANCE AWAY FROM THE PAPARRAZI WHILE SHOWING OUR POKER FACES ON OUR TELEPHONES. Shit now I seriously feel like dancing.
01:10:48: I feel a dance off coming on I was in a dance-off once. I didn't win. I know, you're shocked like you're on the electric chair.
01:11:45: If this is a dance-off, what's a dance-on?
01:12:22: Drive by's and chickens. That sounds fun to me, I don't know why white bitch be hatin'.
01:13:03: Christina doens't like being insulted. I do.
01:13:58: Christina just broke up with man-lover. Better than catching him with a failed actor in a cheap bar bathroom.
01:14:40: You can't desert the sea lions. You've already abandonded the chinchillas and look what happened to them!
01:14:41: I'm not ever sure what that meant.
01:15:55: Beautiful courtyard montage. BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS FTW.
01:16:33: They're all quitting the cheer thing. Quitting is so lame. That's why you're in Bring it On 5.
01:17:19: Holy shit the ginger is going crazy with the latina lingada on the white bitches.
01:18:33: I tihnk they just took a limo to East LA, which is about as smart as taking a limo to East LA.
01:19:59: Too much latin music. I don't understand you, go back to your country, white power.
01:20:35: They're all-stars now. So what, I think Jon Lieber made an All-Star Team.
01:21:44: HOw does dancing in East LA help you dance like you're from East LA? Maybe if I moved to Cuba, it would help learn me to be poor. Wait, it probably would. This movies too long.
01:22:45: They all screamed something, but like Baxter the Dog, I don't speak spanish.
01:23:15: Is there a difference between dancing and cheerleading? Me thinks the movie dost protest too much! Sorry, I had to get a Shaekspeare reference in there.
01:24:09: Sometimes you just gotta pin Christina against a locker and kiss her, even though you like penis in your mouth.
01:25:38: Cheerchampionships, Day 1. Wait...there's more than one day of this? God, I hope my children are boys or fat girls.
01:26:19: Seriously, how do you get your abs like that? I used to do 200 situps a day and nothing. Whatever. (eats Haagen Dasz)
01:27:33: WHOA! Forever the Sickest Kid's song "Whoa Oh" is in this movie! That's number 4 on iTunes top 25 most played! Yikes I feel gay!
01:28:50: Toshiba latops. For your cheering needs. ugh, sorry, I'm really running on fumes here.
01:29:29: Hey they made the finals, go figure. And that host from Dancing With the Stars that has boobs talks to me for a second. Eh get a facial.
01:30:25: Lisp Fried Rice all the sudden is hot, limber and I wanna ban......ahhhhh oops.
01:32:22: I haven't really been paying attention because my Heineken was hard to open. The Jaguars did good though. What if one of them got in a car accident and had to drive a Mazda. Would they be the Jagzda's. ugh I really wanted that to turn into a sex joke but i couldn't find it. That's what she said! Haha there I found it.
01:33:29: The ginger's wearing glitter on her face....BUT I CAN STILL SEE HER FRECKLES EWWWW! (Jillie, tell Lucy I'm kidding)
01:34:10: Booty dancing is not chering. NONE of this is. It's just dancing and leg-spreading. Well, I have no problem with that really.
01:35:10: More dancing. If you care, I hate you.
01:36:00: I fast-forwarded to the end of their routine. Sorry, I'm cooking dinner too. I'm domestic like this.
01:36:49: Christina and her ghetto crew won it all. Hooray. Color me drunk. I can't really blame them though, it's not like the makers of this movie were like "hey some drunk guy is gonna real time blog these while drinking let's cater to him!"
01:37:45: That's a big ass trophy. Goes well with their big asses.
01:38:00: Holy shit they're eating Flipsides! Half-pretzel/half-cracker, how can you lose?! YOU CAN'T!
01:38:49: There's some Christina Milian music video but if you think I'm gonna live-blog that shit, you're drunker than an Amish person at Rumspringa. How the FUCK do I know that?
That's it's we're all done. That Asian is sure still hot. Jillie (my beautiful gf).....get this Asians number. What? I thought you loved threesome jokes.
00:00:00: It doesn't matter what I'm drinking since, when you're watching Bring It On 5, everything taste like dog pee. Not coincidently, I think my dad's girlfriend's dog that we're watching just peed on my bedroom rug. That's dynamite.
00:00:30: Hmmm Christina Milian is the lead. She's looking OK.
00:01:24: Stereotypical black people face off versus male latin gang members in a cheer off. I'm not joking.
00:02:09: Is it ironic when Mexicans wear wife beaters while dancing to "Lean Like a Cholo"?
00:02:42: More dancing. It could be worse, they could be acting.
00:03:12: Oh it's a dream and Christina's pissed her mom married a gringo. So cliche.
00:03:45: Poor her. She has to go live in Malibu. That's the worst.
00:04:40: Last day in East LA. Do white people actually marry latina women? Ay yay yay overpopulationa.
00:05:32: These people are making it hard to make fun of them by not doing anything. Do something.
00:06:15: Oh here we go. This guy does a head bob everytime he ends a sentence. I wonder where he got that habit....
00:06:49: Now they're going through security to get into class. I remember this one time at my high school, we all had to stay in line for a fire drill. That's kinda similar, no?
00:07:55: Latin people sure do have big butts. That's all I got.
00:08:27: A "cheer-wreck" and "cheer-ocide" is more like it, morons.
00:09:00: I think I could jump through those girls earings. OOOOO sexy latin music in spanky shorts. This rum is starting to taste good.
00:09:49: Hmmm yeah wipe yourself off girl. Wipe that sweat all over. Wait thats gross.
00:10:27: Broken spanish, so heartwarming as Christina says goodbye to beautiful Compton.
00:11:09: Pan out and we get a nice little view of LA. Or Salt Lake City, whatever they could afford probably.
00:11:59: I like her silver belt. So shiny.
00:12:36: This is alot sadder than the other Bring It On's. I know...shocking.
00:13:11: What the hell is this ginger doing here? Don't they know this is about disadvantaged minorities overcoming possible odds?!
00:14:00: Damn that girl is like really ginger. It's like they put makeup on her to make her more ginger. But how can you take away more of a soul that's not there?
00:14:36: Chrissy's wearing an "I'm so gangster" shirt. I think if you have to wear that shirt, you're as gangster as me when I had blonde hair.
00:15:11: Ginger's got a cheer cabinet full of cheer trophies. WILL THEY LEARN TO CHEER-SPECT EACH OTHER?
00:15:55: Three Jaguar's pull up in a row and the girls that get out....guess their nicknames....yup, The Jaguars. AND they're cheerleaders.
00:16:40: Bicker Bicker Bicker Wah Wah Wah. I can smell the menstruation.
00:17:30: Oh, they're Cuban. I'd smoke you, but that'd be illegal. Nope, that was too much. Terrible, Mike.
00:18:11: Preppy guy named Evan is wearing neon under a sweater with weird hair. My guess: closeted man-lover.
00:19:09: Label-whores. I don't get the nickname "Jalepeno," is that some sorta Malibuian thing?
00:19:55: Good point. Why DO people say No Offense then just offend you? Life lessons from the Asian nerd with a lisp!
00:20:39: Hydraulics leads to a sex joke leads to my second drink.
00:21:41: She gets to take a limo home? This bitch is mopey for a Cuban. Does that make sense?
00:22:20: Now the ginger looks ever LESS ginger. These makeup people need to fiiiiiired
00:22:59: White people dancing in yellow. At least Christina has hear cleavage hanging out. Why do latin people wear such annoying earrings. They're distracting me from her boobs.
00:23:58: She's gonna fall for the man-lover. Could've called that one. And Christina shoots a basketball like my girlfriend shoots....you know what? I'm gonna stop there. (Hint: I was gonna say pool. POCKET POOL! BWAHAHAHHAHA!)
00:24:59: Damn I need to get her personal trainers number. But how can she do all these cheers while not looking at them and being with them for the first time? I'll let it go, since the rest of the movie is Oscar quality.
00:25:49: Christina made the team and was named team captain. Captain of Latin-Boobville.
00:26:22: Anyone ever have Cuban food? I have a hankering for some Cuban Fish Tacos. (note: vagina references are always funny)
00:27:16: Hahaha the horn was a Mexican Hat Dance. But they're CUBAN.
00:28:01: No cheerleader left behind. That's been the plan from day 1, darling. That's why we let it go that you're all dumb.
00:28:44: A Dora the Explorer reference....can't go wrong there. (the sad thing is, I'm not joking.)
00:29:19: OK, you can't just put the word cheer in front of everything. Cheerbarasment? Look in the mirror, everyone in this movie.
00:30:00: A lot more cleavage and skankiness in this one. Hooray!
00:30:30: Sea Lions vs. Jaguars! I'd like to see who'd win....UNDERWATER!
00:31:01: That's not the only reason that girl dances with her tongue out!
00:31:29: That girl needs a tummy tuck. Oh don't act like I'm vain. 104 pounds is too much and you know it.
00:32:34: What's that girl complaining about? Christina is rocking it like T-Party. Is that a rapper? It should be. Think about it.
00:33:29: All her friends are moving into their Malibu house. Not stereotypical latinos at all. Next they'll be carpooling!
00:34:19: Shake what yo' mama gave you? They're white, silly Latins! You get butts, we get money.
00:34:55: How does this Cuban dude have sick rims/hydraulics and a customized license plate? Oh wait, he bummed some cash for gas. Back to normal.
00:35:45: I think man-lover and Christina are cheersexing. DIRTY!
00:36:28: Oh man-lover and the weird latino dude are bonding.
00:37:09: A latin bro? Can I be a white homey?
00:38:00: Pathetic, man-lover. Say something charming already and charm me. I mean Christina.
00:38:38: Basketball game. Cheering at halftime. Wait, I don't get it....why are the Latin girls from Compton at the Malibu school? I'll let it go, but only because I'm expecting big things from this franchise in the future.
00:39:44: Say what you will about bitches, they sure are hotter than nice girls.
00:40:30: Classic sea-lion vs. jaguar battle. WHO WILL RULE THE ANIMAL KINGDOM OF THE MALIBU JUNGLE?
00:40:54: The only time "This is sea lion territory" have ever been uttered in the history of cinema.
00:41:38: Chiquita Banana? Classic!
00:42:09: I just checked....this movie is 110 minutes! What happened to my mericful 90 minute runtimes?
00:43:11: How DO latin girls move their hips like that? Who cares. Why am I questioning perfecton.
00:44:00: Lisp Fried Rice is getting down with the Latin Kings. It's not racist if it's delicious.
00:44:50: I think Christina is wearing glitter as a top. What would your mother say? (Thanks for the free money, Christina chiciquita bonita)
00:45:48: Man-lover is wearing a fedora. I love fedoras. Their like the white sombreros.
00:46:18: Lisp asian is hot now. And I haven't even had any sake yet.
00:47: 22: You just can't be looking at people? This is stranger than that time I got lost and asked for directions to Anchorage and the guy told me to "Just take Lake Shore Drive 3 miles north." Is there cocaine in my rum?
00:48:49: Graffiti jeans! The new trend in East Los. Catch ON NOW
00:49:14: I never thought I'd say this, but that is one badass plant.
00:49:30: Hold your chest up. Take Christina's advice, all girls that are reading this. A push up bra wouldn't hurt either.
00:50:30: Christina wears alot of Abercrombie for someone from Compton.
00:51:01: And with a little inspiration, the reject cheerleaders are now professional dancers. It's a Malibuiricle!
00:51:38: A Cheer-gasm has made it's first appearance and it's because of a guy in pink. I mean....he's gotta love cock.
00:52:49: How is the ginger this pale? She lives OFF THE BEACH.
00:53:28: How come gay boys always get the hottest girls? Am I right, men?
00:54:22: Acoustic guitar? They should've just casted John Mayer in the role of douchebag metrosexual.
00:55:19: That is some epic bird shit that ruined a kiss. Thank god.
00:55:40: MONTAGE TO CHEESY POP MUSIC ON THE BEACH. WELCOME TO THE OC, BITCH.
00:56:39: Haha the United Nations. Cause they're all minorities. Hahaha.
00:57:23: Hold up, I'm tweeting.
00:58:30: Debate about Tila Tequila's nationality. Whore isn't a nationality, girls.
00:59:19: Bluetooth: still only for douchebags.
00:59:40: I'm switching to beer. I'm sorry, I"m just running out of my dad's free booze. And I'm pretty drunk.
01:00:23: Evil plotting.
01:01:31: Illegal cheer-igrants?
01:01:45: Man-Lover feels like Cinderella. My theory is holding more water than a 8-month pregnant fat girl.
01:02:45: Illegal transfers! The team is ruined. Typical sea lions! Always getting into near-extinction!
01:03:55: Polka dot dress. Really, ginger girl? You can afford better. AND WITH THAT COMPLEXTION! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!
01:04:49: Ginger just did a absolutely hideous impression of a Latin Robot Girl. Thank god Christina at least called out her dress. And a pop song by Christina herself comes on. How talented.
01:05:55: A Cuban sewing for free? Not stereotypical.
01:06:18: Ginger makeover! Guess what? You still don't have a soul beneath that makeup and yellow polka dots! I don't care how cute as a button you look!
01:07:40: Wow. Leather pants are really bringing out the ass in ass.
01:08:29: Tuck in your shirt with that tie, man-lover.
01:09:23: Lisp Fried Rice was going for sizzling. Only if there's shrimp that comes with you.
01:09:44: LADY GAGA PLAYS AS WE JUST DANCE OUR BAD ROMANCE AWAY FROM THE PAPARRAZI WHILE SHOWING OUR POKER FACES ON OUR TELEPHONES. Shit now I seriously feel like dancing.
01:10:48: I feel a dance off coming on I was in a dance-off once. I didn't win. I know, you're shocked like you're on the electric chair.
01:11:45: If this is a dance-off, what's a dance-on?
01:12:22: Drive by's and chickens. That sounds fun to me, I don't know why white bitch be hatin'.
01:13:03: Christina doens't like being insulted. I do.
01:13:58: Christina just broke up with man-lover. Better than catching him with a failed actor in a cheap bar bathroom.
01:14:40: You can't desert the sea lions. You've already abandonded the chinchillas and look what happened to them!
01:14:41: I'm not ever sure what that meant.
01:15:55: Beautiful courtyard montage. BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS FTW.
01:16:33: They're all quitting the cheer thing. Quitting is so lame. That's why you're in Bring it On 5.
01:17:19: Holy shit the ginger is going crazy with the latina lingada on the white bitches.
01:18:33: I tihnk they just took a limo to East LA, which is about as smart as taking a limo to East LA.
01:19:59: Too much latin music. I don't understand you, go back to your country, white power.
01:20:35: They're all-stars now. So what, I think Jon Lieber made an All-Star Team.
01:21:44: HOw does dancing in East LA help you dance like you're from East LA? Maybe if I moved to Cuba, it would help learn me to be poor. Wait, it probably would. This movies too long.
01:22:45: They all screamed something, but like Baxter the Dog, I don't speak spanish.
01:23:15: Is there a difference between dancing and cheerleading? Me thinks the movie dost protest too much! Sorry, I had to get a Shaekspeare reference in there.
01:24:09: Sometimes you just gotta pin Christina against a locker and kiss her, even though you like penis in your mouth.
01:25:38: Cheerchampionships, Day 1. Wait...there's more than one day of this? God, I hope my children are boys or fat girls.
01:26:19: Seriously, how do you get your abs like that? I used to do 200 situps a day and nothing. Whatever. (eats Haagen Dasz)
01:27:33: WHOA! Forever the Sickest Kid's song "Whoa Oh" is in this movie! That's number 4 on iTunes top 25 most played! Yikes I feel gay!
01:28:50: Toshiba latops. For your cheering needs. ugh, sorry, I'm really running on fumes here.
01:29:29: Hey they made the finals, go figure. And that host from Dancing With the Stars that has boobs talks to me for a second. Eh get a facial.
01:30:25: Lisp Fried Rice all the sudden is hot, limber and I wanna ban......ahhhhh oops.
01:32:22: I haven't really been paying attention because my Heineken was hard to open. The Jaguars did good though. What if one of them got in a car accident and had to drive a Mazda. Would they be the Jagzda's. ugh I really wanted that to turn into a sex joke but i couldn't find it. That's what she said! Haha there I found it.
01:33:29: The ginger's wearing glitter on her face....BUT I CAN STILL SEE HER FRECKLES EWWWW! (Jillie, tell Lucy I'm kidding)
01:34:10: Booty dancing is not chering. NONE of this is. It's just dancing and leg-spreading. Well, I have no problem with that really.
01:35:10: More dancing. If you care, I hate you.
01:36:00: I fast-forwarded to the end of their routine. Sorry, I'm cooking dinner too. I'm domestic like this.
01:36:49: Christina and her ghetto crew won it all. Hooray. Color me drunk. I can't really blame them though, it's not like the makers of this movie were like "hey some drunk guy is gonna real time blog these while drinking let's cater to him!"
01:37:45: That's a big ass trophy. Goes well with their big asses.
01:38:00: Holy shit they're eating Flipsides! Half-pretzel/half-cracker, how can you lose?! YOU CAN'T!
01:38:49: There's some Christina Milian music video but if you think I'm gonna live-blog that shit, you're drunker than an Amish person at Rumspringa. How the FUCK do I know that?
That's it's we're all done. That Asian is sure still hot. Jillie (my beautiful gf).....get this Asians number. What? I thought you loved threesome jokes.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The After-Hours Party
Ahhh the word "Let's Keep Drinking!" when you leave the bar...is there any more dangerous statement? I think not. Well, besides maybe "I'm gonna kill my wife with a toothpick." The After-Party is an abomination of shit-faced proportions. It's at the point where, besides sex, there's no reason you should stay up any longer. It's a desperate plea for those too drunk to no and too horny to accept no as an answer. But, if you're gonna have one, you should do it right. Necessities of the After-Party.
Seating
If She's Pooping, Is That Picture Less Hot? I Say No.
Examples: Couch(es), Chairs, Beanbags, Toilets, Floors. Anywhere you can put your butt down without being in pain. So like, that girl above? Her sitting on my lap would hurt. Me. Cause she'd be sitting on my boner. And not while having sex...just sitting.
How It Helps Your After-Party: Drunk people are always bumbling, stumbling, tumbling onto the ground, so sometimes it's a good idea to let them sit down (not always. remember: pain is funny on other people). For your party, you're gonna want a few chairs or a couch so they can take part in the trend known as sitting. It's quite fun. Besides, if you don't have somewhere to sit in your place, that's pretty embarrassing. So that "Well, maybe..." from the 225 lb stunner you met at the bar's vending machine will turn into "Do you have any steak?" Or just "No."
Stay Ahead of the Game: Put a tarp or crappy blanket over your couch; that way, the vomit or spilled food will be easier to clean/not make your couch utterly hideous!
Food
You see, it makes sense because the sandwich sorta looks like a penis. And the girl, a hooker.
Examples: Chips, Pizza, Pretzels, a French Roommate that majors in Home Ec.
How It Helps Your After-Party: Drunk people get hungry. There's always one in every group that is hungry at the end of the night. And after they mention it, food seems like a good idea to anyone around them. So it's a good idea to have some food. (Probably is, anyway). Forewarning, it will be mostly gone after they leave but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that drunk people you didn't have sex with ate all your food and left that mess of half eaten edible undies that someone found in your underwear drawer while "looking for a rubber, bro!"
Stay Ahead of the Game: Bring out the shitty, older food that you don't really like! Drunk people will eat anything with salt!
Boobs
Yeah. Those.
Examples: A Cups, B Cups, C Cups, D Cups, DD Cups, Man Boobs.
How It Helps Your After-Party: I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. If Boobs come to the party, other Boobs will want to come to your party. If there are many Boobs, there will be more things to look at. And, if you're lucky, play with. They are also useful if you need milk for your White Russians. What's that you say? Girls aren't just boobs? Hush, B-Cup! I don't hear mammoryspeak from any Boobs under 30C!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Make sure you have a few good porno's loaded for when you get home--just in case!
Cleaning Products
Maids also Work
Examples: Comet, Windex, Paper Towels, Mexicans, Cubans, Colombians, Hot Latina Women that like to get their hands dirty.
How It Helps Your After-Party: The after-party usually resolves in someone getting sick. But the prepared drunk host is a clean drunk host! Invest in some cleaning products or threaten some illegal immigrants that you'll report them to the INS and you should be fine. After all, those Icehouses aren't going to be drank then thrown up while you watch Pablo clean by themselves!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Those people that look like getting sick can just be locked outside until the next morning!
Booze
Pictured: Skol Vodka
Examples: Beer, Vodka, Whiskey, Absinthe, Paint Thinner, Nyquil, Lindsay Lohan's Blood
How It Helps Your After-Party: Generally, people go to after-parties to drink more. So if you have drink, that can help. If not, maybe you can get that pushover in your group to go get some. The after-party is a great way to unload unwanted booze. At the point of drunkenness people are usually at during an after-party, it won't matter if you serve them Kristal or CatPiss Champagne. Rejoice! Hosting the after party usually gives you a better chance at getting laid. Why? Well, drunk people are lazy. If they're already somewhere and hammered they might look for a bed or couch to sleep on. But beware! Don't be The Sexless Innkeeper! Kick them out unless they're getting down! Boom!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Have a condom! They work good for sex things!
Seating
If She's Pooping, Is That Picture Less Hot? I Say No.Examples: Couch(es), Chairs, Beanbags, Toilets, Floors. Anywhere you can put your butt down without being in pain. So like, that girl above? Her sitting on my lap would hurt. Me. Cause she'd be sitting on my boner. And not while having sex...just sitting.
How It Helps Your After-Party: Drunk people are always bumbling, stumbling, tumbling onto the ground, so sometimes it's a good idea to let them sit down (not always. remember: pain is funny on other people). For your party, you're gonna want a few chairs or a couch so they can take part in the trend known as sitting. It's quite fun. Besides, if you don't have somewhere to sit in your place, that's pretty embarrassing. So that "Well, maybe..." from the 225 lb stunner you met at the bar's vending machine will turn into "Do you have any steak?" Or just "No."
Stay Ahead of the Game: Put a tarp or crappy blanket over your couch; that way, the vomit or spilled food will be easier to clean/not make your couch utterly hideous!
Food
You see, it makes sense because the sandwich sorta looks like a penis. And the girl, a hooker.Examples: Chips, Pizza, Pretzels, a French Roommate that majors in Home Ec.
How It Helps Your After-Party: Drunk people get hungry. There's always one in every group that is hungry at the end of the night. And after they mention it, food seems like a good idea to anyone around them. So it's a good idea to have some food. (Probably is, anyway). Forewarning, it will be mostly gone after they leave but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that drunk people you didn't have sex with ate all your food and left that mess of half eaten edible undies that someone found in your underwear drawer while "looking for a rubber, bro!"
Stay Ahead of the Game: Bring out the shitty, older food that you don't really like! Drunk people will eat anything with salt!
Boobs
Yeah. Those.Examples: A Cups, B Cups, C Cups, D Cups, DD Cups, Man Boobs.
How It Helps Your After-Party: I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. If Boobs come to the party, other Boobs will want to come to your party. If there are many Boobs, there will be more things to look at. And, if you're lucky, play with. They are also useful if you need milk for your White Russians. What's that you say? Girls aren't just boobs? Hush, B-Cup! I don't hear mammoryspeak from any Boobs under 30C!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Make sure you have a few good porno's loaded for when you get home--just in case!
Cleaning Products
Maids also WorkExamples: Comet, Windex, Paper Towels, Mexicans, Cubans, Colombians, Hot Latina Women that like to get their hands dirty.
How It Helps Your After-Party: The after-party usually resolves in someone getting sick. But the prepared drunk host is a clean drunk host! Invest in some cleaning products or threaten some illegal immigrants that you'll report them to the INS and you should be fine. After all, those Icehouses aren't going to be drank then thrown up while you watch Pablo clean by themselves!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Those people that look like getting sick can just be locked outside until the next morning!
Booze
Pictured: Skol VodkaExamples: Beer, Vodka, Whiskey, Absinthe, Paint Thinner, Nyquil, Lindsay Lohan's Blood
How It Helps Your After-Party: Generally, people go to after-parties to drink more. So if you have drink, that can help. If not, maybe you can get that pushover in your group to go get some. The after-party is a great way to unload unwanted booze. At the point of drunkenness people are usually at during an after-party, it won't matter if you serve them Kristal or CatPiss Champagne. Rejoice! Hosting the after party usually gives you a better chance at getting laid. Why? Well, drunk people are lazy. If they're already somewhere and hammered they might look for a bed or couch to sleep on. But beware! Don't be The Sexless Innkeeper! Kick them out unless they're getting down! Boom!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Have a condom! They work good for sex things!
Friday, March 19, 2010
The Weekend Battle: Thursday vs. Friday vs. Saturday
With Thursday gaining such popularity, especially among college students, it leaves one to wonder: what is the best day of the weekend? It has became a three-way battle with this revelation and let me tell you: I know nothing about three-ways. And since I likely will never find out for free, I decided to consult my alter ego on this battle, for he has seen and done it all. I've decided to make The Weekend Battle a weekly segment, coming to you every Friday to prepare you for the upcoming debauchery feasts that you will partake in. But as for today, let's debate it: Thursday vs. Friday vs. Saturday.
Thursday
On Thursday, Taco Bell and Wiener isn't that Uncommon.
Pro's: Thursdays usually bring out the best drink specials of the week, even for suburban and city bars. Bars don't need help getting people out on Fridays and Saturdays but the usually ridiculous Thursday specials tend to draw a crowd. And there's nothing like a few $1 beers to make it feel like it's an early weekend.
Con's: Well, for one, most people have to wake up for work/school on Friday morning so those specials can really hurt the day after. Nobody wants their Friday's to be ruined. And getting worn down on Thursday night can make you look like a loser the rest of the weekend. If you're a pussy.
Friday
Nothing Like the Innocence of a Child to Pick Up Your Spirits
Pro's: Everyone's out and about. Bars are crowded with music. People are in the mood to party. The school/work week is (usually) over and the name of the game is leisure. Parties are "hopping" (do people s till use that word?) and bitches are bopping. Drunken sex is in the air. Life just feels better on Friday.
Con's: Bars can get overcrowded with loud music making it impossible to hear. People are much more belligerent and sometimes annoying. Getting rejected by a drunk person is a real bad blow to the ego. Drunken masturbating is depressing. Rarely any drink specials.
Saturday
I Think That Translates to "Boobs"
Pro's: It's your last chance to let loose before the end of the weekend. Bars and clubs are still crowded. Such establishments are usually open later on Saturdays than any other days. You can acceptably drink all day on Saturdays. More sports games are on to watch while out or before going out.
Con's: People often use Saturdays to relax. Rarely any drink specials. A bad night on Saturday can damper the outlook of the weekend. Spending Sunday, your last day to unwind, hungover can be frustrating. People are just plain drained and it often takes more convincing to get people to go out on Saturday than Sunday.
So, Who's The Winner?
Well, it can be relative but the eternal winner for best weekend day will always be Friday. There is that feeling on Friday's that Saturday or Thursday cannot match. Debate over and settled!
Enjoy your weekend!
Thursday
On Thursday, Taco Bell and Wiener isn't that Uncommon. Pro's: Thursdays usually bring out the best drink specials of the week, even for suburban and city bars. Bars don't need help getting people out on Fridays and Saturdays but the usually ridiculous Thursday specials tend to draw a crowd. And there's nothing like a few $1 beers to make it feel like it's an early weekend.
Con's: Well, for one, most people have to wake up for work/school on Friday morning so those specials can really hurt the day after. Nobody wants their Friday's to be ruined. And getting worn down on Thursday night can make you look like a loser the rest of the weekend. If you're a pussy.
Friday
Nothing Like the Innocence of a Child to Pick Up Your SpiritsPro's: Everyone's out and about. Bars are crowded with music. People are in the mood to party. The school/work week is (usually) over and the name of the game is leisure. Parties are "hopping" (do people s till use that word?) and bitches are bopping. Drunken sex is in the air. Life just feels better on Friday.
Con's: Bars can get overcrowded with loud music making it impossible to hear. People are much more belligerent and sometimes annoying. Getting rejected by a drunk person is a real bad blow to the ego. Drunken masturbating is depressing. Rarely any drink specials.
Saturday
I Think That Translates to "Boobs"Pro's: It's your last chance to let loose before the end of the weekend. Bars and clubs are still crowded. Such establishments are usually open later on Saturdays than any other days. You can acceptably drink all day on Saturdays. More sports games are on to watch while out or before going out.
Con's: People often use Saturdays to relax. Rarely any drink specials. A bad night on Saturday can damper the outlook of the weekend. Spending Sunday, your last day to unwind, hungover can be frustrating. People are just plain drained and it often takes more convincing to get people to go out on Saturday than Sunday.
So, Who's The Winner?
Well, it can be relative but the eternal winner for best weekend day will always be Friday. There is that feeling on Friday's that Saturday or Thursday cannot match. Debate over and settled!
Enjoy your weekend!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
St. Patrick's Day: A Drunk History
St. Patrick's Day is just one of those days that gets people all riled up and such. Green beer, green clothes, green food, green everything. It's a glorious day. But do you know anything about it? I THOUGHT NOT! Well, most of you know about Christmas and Jesus, Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims, and the 4th of July and rednecks. So, I thought I'd spread the greenish words of glory onto those who have little clue what it's all about. Going Green: Facts, Fun, and the History of St. Patrick's Day.
St. Patrick's Day Facts
True Life: I'm a Drunk Irish Low-Level Blogger
-St. Patrick's Day was first celebrated in the 1600's in Ireland, but many Irish claim it was even before then that it was celebrated.
-It's popularity is due to the fact that the Irish Catholics used St. Patrick's Day as a break during Lent, so that they could drink. It eventually became an annual tradition.
-Originally, the color Blue was widely associated with the holiday. The color green was adopted to honor St. Patrick, who used the 3-leaf clovered shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish while converting them. And also...Ireland is very green, not blue.
-St. Patrick's Day wasn't as widely celebrated until the Irish government began to promote in the mid-1990s to gain tourism for Ireland and spread the Irish culture, like Australians do with Cinco de Mayo.
-"Erin Go Braugh" means "Ireland Forever." You should ask anyone that says what it means and if they don't know, you should slap them. In the balls.
-Although 38 Million Americans claim Irish ancestry, only 135,000 were born in Ireland.
-St. Patrick was actually born in Britain.
St. Patrick's Day Fun
Asian Girls Drinkin' Guinness. Doesn't Get Much More Irish than that.
-There are 48,000 bars in America that serve green beer on St. Patrick's Day
-"Slainte" is the most common Irish toast, meaning "health."
-Boston has the longest running St. Patrick's Day parade in the United States, the first being in 1737. This was the first St. Patrick's Day parade in the world, ever.
-The only countries that get off work for the day are Ireland, Montserrat, and the Canadian territory Newfoundland. Montserrat, a small Caribbean island, was founded by Irish refugees and the day celebrates a slave uprising in the late 1700s.
-Black and Tans, Irish Coffee, and "Light" beer will all get you made fun of, if you order them in Ireland.
Why Do People Drink on St. Patrick's Day? Just Because?
Pictured: Irish Pride
There is actually a legitimate reason that drinking on St. Patrick's Day became a tradition, besides all the fun. It comes from an old Irish lesson. As it's told, St. Patrick was served a glass of whiskey that was far from full. To teach the bar owner a lesson in generosity, he told the owner that there was a devil in the basement of the bar that grew stronger with every bit of dishonesty that took place inside. To get rid of the devil, the owner must change his ways. St. Patrick returned to the bar some time later, this time to find the owner overflowing customer's glasses with whiskey. He took the owner down to the basement and declared the demon gone. St. Patrick proclaimed afterwords that "everyone should have a drop of the hard stuff" on his Feast Day. This drinking of the hard stuff is known as "Patrick's Pot" or "Drowning the Shamrock," as it is custom to float a shamrock in their drink before imbibing.
Sometime later, in Heaven, St. Patrick was voted the "Saint With the Best Feast Day," just ahead of St. Valentine and little-known saint, St. Flag O'Day.
That's all I have for you....have a fun, safe, and very, very green St. Patrick's Day. Oh, and drunk. Have a drunk St. Patrick's Day!
St. Patrick's Day Facts
True Life: I'm a Drunk Irish Low-Level Blogger-St. Patrick's Day was first celebrated in the 1600's in Ireland, but many Irish claim it was even before then that it was celebrated.
-It's popularity is due to the fact that the Irish Catholics used St. Patrick's Day as a break during Lent, so that they could drink. It eventually became an annual tradition.
-Originally, the color Blue was widely associated with the holiday. The color green was adopted to honor St. Patrick, who used the 3-leaf clovered shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish while converting them. And also...Ireland is very green, not blue.
-St. Patrick's Day wasn't as widely celebrated until the Irish government began to promote in the mid-1990s to gain tourism for Ireland and spread the Irish culture, like Australians do with Cinco de Mayo.
-"Erin Go Braugh" means "Ireland Forever." You should ask anyone that says what it means and if they don't know, you should slap them. In the balls.
-Although 38 Million Americans claim Irish ancestry, only 135,000 were born in Ireland.
-St. Patrick was actually born in Britain.
St. Patrick's Day Fun
Asian Girls Drinkin' Guinness. Doesn't Get Much More Irish than that.-There are 48,000 bars in America that serve green beer on St. Patrick's Day
-"Slainte" is the most common Irish toast, meaning "health."
-Boston has the longest running St. Patrick's Day parade in the United States, the first being in 1737. This was the first St. Patrick's Day parade in the world, ever.
-The only countries that get off work for the day are Ireland, Montserrat, and the Canadian territory Newfoundland. Montserrat, a small Caribbean island, was founded by Irish refugees and the day celebrates a slave uprising in the late 1700s.
-Black and Tans, Irish Coffee, and "Light" beer will all get you made fun of, if you order them in Ireland.
Why Do People Drink on St. Patrick's Day? Just Because?
Pictured: Irish PrideThere is actually a legitimate reason that drinking on St. Patrick's Day became a tradition, besides all the fun. It comes from an old Irish lesson. As it's told, St. Patrick was served a glass of whiskey that was far from full. To teach the bar owner a lesson in generosity, he told the owner that there was a devil in the basement of the bar that grew stronger with every bit of dishonesty that took place inside. To get rid of the devil, the owner must change his ways. St. Patrick returned to the bar some time later, this time to find the owner overflowing customer's glasses with whiskey. He took the owner down to the basement and declared the demon gone. St. Patrick proclaimed afterwords that "everyone should have a drop of the hard stuff" on his Feast Day. This drinking of the hard stuff is known as "Patrick's Pot" or "Drowning the Shamrock," as it is custom to float a shamrock in their drink before imbibing.
Sometime later, in Heaven, St. Patrick was voted the "Saint With the Best Feast Day," just ahead of St. Valentine and little-known saint, St. Flag O'Day.
That's all I have for you....have a fun, safe, and very, very green St. Patrick's Day. Oh, and drunk. Have a drunk St. Patrick's Day!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Origins of Obscenity
When people are drinking, it's commonplace to get louder and looser with obscene language. But everywhere we go, there's different types of vulgarity. What is offensive here might go unnoticed somewhere else. I thought you should know this the next time you're traveling. Here's a Dolan's Guide to Foreign Offensive Hand Gestures.
V-Sign
Where It's Used: Britain, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand.
What It Means: "Fuck off, you (French) twat"
It's Origins: During the 100 years war between France and Great Britain, the French would often threaten to cut off the shooting fingers (middle and index) of any archers that were captured. British archers would flash this v-sign (with the palm facing yourself, not the person you're flashing it to) in a sign of utter defiance. Also, they probably didn't believe the French would cut them off anyone. After all, they're French. The only war they've won is against themselves (French Revolution).
Bras d'honneur
Where It's Used: Spain, Portugal, Latin America, Italy, Poland, Russian countries.
What It Means: "Up Yours" or "Fuck Off"
It's Origins: Originated presumably in France, where everything dirty seemingly originates. The bras d'honneur (the arm of honor) is an insulting gesture since it implies someone sticking something so far up a certain opening that it can't go any further. Otherwise, there really is no origin story. Originally though, the French meant to be an ironic pick-up line in bars, since they have small penises.
Moutza
Where It's Used: Greece
What It Means: "Eat Shit" or "Take That"
It's Origins: In 7th Century BC Byzantine (now Istanbul, Turkey), a chained criminal would be paraded around town, sitting on a donkey with their face covered in cinder. Since "moutza" was the word for cinder in ancient Greek, it became known as an insult for a common criminal. Another theory is that these criminals had poop thrown at them and the moutza is how the thrower of poop's hand ended up after they threw it. It's vitally important that, when in Greece, you don't wave goodbye to anyone or show them the number 5 with your hands. Your wine will otherwise be garnished with a bit of saliva.
Open Palm
Where It's Used: Some African and Caribbean countries.
What It Means: "You Have 5 fathers" or "You're a bastard"
It's Origins: Since the loss of parents is much more common in poorer countries like Africa and Caribbean countries, there are more orphans than you could imagine. Thus, one of the more popular and offensive insults is the open palm, basically calling someone a bastard. It's really a sad insult, as poverty really has no winners. And if you did it in America someone would just give you a high five. Which might explain why that Egyptian guy was pissed at me when I high-fived him after spilling my drink on him last week.
Thumbs Up
Where It's Used: Iran, Afghanistan, Nigeria, and parts of Italy/Greece
What It Means: "Sit on my dick, asshole" (hey, don't blame me. i'm just the messenger....of awesomeness!)
It's Origins: Contrary to popular belief, in Ancient Roman gladiator battles, a thumbs up actually meant that the gladiator was to be killed, not spared. In many movies such as Gladiator and Spartacus, they get this historical fact very wrong. Thus, it already had the stigma of being the signal of death, so it made a very smooth transition to being the signal of someone calling you an asshole. Thus, if you're in any of the above areas, you might wanna find a different hand signal if you're gonna hitchhike. But if you're hitchhiking in Nigeria, Iran, or Afghanistan....hand signals are probably the least of your worries.
V-Sign
Where It's Used: Britain, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand.
What It Means: "Fuck off, you (French) twat"
It's Origins: During the 100 years war between France and Great Britain, the French would often threaten to cut off the shooting fingers (middle and index) of any archers that were captured. British archers would flash this v-sign (with the palm facing yourself, not the person you're flashing it to) in a sign of utter defiance. Also, they probably didn't believe the French would cut them off anyone. After all, they're French. The only war they've won is against themselves (French Revolution).
Bras d'honneur
Where It's Used: Spain, Portugal, Latin America, Italy, Poland, Russian countries.
What It Means: "Up Yours" or "Fuck Off"
It's Origins: Originated presumably in France, where everything dirty seemingly originates. The bras d'honneur (the arm of honor) is an insulting gesture since it implies someone sticking something so far up a certain opening that it can't go any further. Otherwise, there really is no origin story. Originally though, the French meant to be an ironic pick-up line in bars, since they have small penises.
Moutza
Where It's Used: Greece
What It Means: "Eat Shit" or "Take That"
It's Origins: In 7th Century BC Byzantine (now Istanbul, Turkey), a chained criminal would be paraded around town, sitting on a donkey with their face covered in cinder. Since "moutza" was the word for cinder in ancient Greek, it became known as an insult for a common criminal. Another theory is that these criminals had poop thrown at them and the moutza is how the thrower of poop's hand ended up after they threw it. It's vitally important that, when in Greece, you don't wave goodbye to anyone or show them the number 5 with your hands. Your wine will otherwise be garnished with a bit of saliva.
Open Palm
Where It's Used: Some African and Caribbean countries.
What It Means: "You Have 5 fathers" or "You're a bastard"
It's Origins: Since the loss of parents is much more common in poorer countries like Africa and Caribbean countries, there are more orphans than you could imagine. Thus, one of the more popular and offensive insults is the open palm, basically calling someone a bastard. It's really a sad insult, as poverty really has no winners. And if you did it in America someone would just give you a high five. Which might explain why that Egyptian guy was pissed at me when I high-fived him after spilling my drink on him last week.
Thumbs Up
Where It's Used: Iran, Afghanistan, Nigeria, and parts of Italy/Greece
What It Means: "Sit on my dick, asshole" (hey, don't blame me. i'm just the messenger....of awesomeness!)
It's Origins: Contrary to popular belief, in Ancient Roman gladiator battles, a thumbs up actually meant that the gladiator was to be killed, not spared. In many movies such as Gladiator and Spartacus, they get this historical fact very wrong. Thus, it already had the stigma of being the signal of death, so it made a very smooth transition to being the signal of someone calling you an asshole. Thus, if you're in any of the above areas, you might wanna find a different hand signal if you're gonna hitchhike. But if you're hitchhiking in Nigeria, Iran, or Afghanistan....hand signals are probably the least of your worries.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It To Win It
The titles just get more and more creative, don't they? Well, the segment you all know (perhaps love?) is back for a limited time. I think this is the second to last in the monumental Bring It On series, so I'll try and finish what I started. After all, nobody likes a quitter. Here we go with Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It to Win It
00:00:00: I'm drinking Vodka Martinis. Class class class.
00:00:01: This has a "N/A" on Rotten Tomatoes, so I'm holding out hope that his will be the Citizen Kane of straight-to-DVD cheerleader movies.
00:00:24: What morons are renting this after the three other ones? (*looks in mirror*)
00:01:04: There isn't a hair on screen that isn't blonde.
00:01:33: Script by Mike's Former Gym Teacher
00:02:04: Cheerleader in a Jason mask. What? (Checks title of movie.) Oh yeah, nevermind.
00:03:12: Cheerleading camp is not fun. Tell it, cliche black girl!
00:03:40: "Dibs on their entrails." I swear, that just happened.
00:04:20: Epitomized? That's a pretty big word for Bring It On 4.
00:05:57: That is the blondest blonde I've ever blonded.
00:06:18: Note to self: Guerillia Warfare does NOT involve actual gorillas.
00:07:00: How come girls didn't have these kinda boobs in high school? Would have been such a better excuse for me not getting laid.
00:07:44: I don't think that's the right way to say "you've got skid marks."
00:08:30: This guy is like half-Indian, half-Vietnamese with a rat tail. Which is funny, because Veitnamese eat rat. It's like he's eating his own hair! EWWWWW!
00:09:39: Do girls actually like licking ass? That's gross, ladies. Oh wait, she said abs.
00:10:55: It's true, girls, guys do hate biters.
00:11:31: Sue me, so far I like it.
00:11:59: This girl's name is Chicago? I know black ppl like to be creative, but c'mon.
00:12:50: That'd be hotter if you were in a skirt, darling.
00:13:44: That stick she's holding is full of spirit, alright. And you'll get to feel it's aura all night. (Get it? It was a sex joke.)
00:14:33: The Cheer Gods? Are they named "Like" "Totally" and "Whatever"?
00:14:55: Girl just slapped her ass. BRB.
00:15:42: Inter-cheer-racial relationship. You see, it's funny because their cheerleaders.
00:16:45: Apparently, one of these girls is Ashley Tisdale's sister. I can only imagine that phone call: "Hey, Ashley, wanna do Bring It On 4? Oh ok, can you hand the phone to your sister?"
00:17:38: Cheer skirts, that's better. Don't worry, they're all 18. At least....shit, no more sex jokes.
00:18:39: Points will be deducted for bad facials. Wait...is this porn?
00:19:16: That's not dancing. That's the move I like to call "I'm a Slut So I Call Shaking My Ass Dancing"
00:20:12: Smile, emo girl. JESUS she's wearing vampire teeth. Note to self: Make sure my girlfriend doesn't turn emo.
00:21:00: Drink #2, on it's way. Too early for another drink? Shut up, you're not watching Bring It On 4.
00:21:01: Side Note: Can you use black olives for martinis? If not, I just wasted a ton of vodka.
00:21:15: Fairy Gothmother? Shut up and keep looking good in that bikini.
00:21:57: Cheer off on the beach. Written exculsively by 4th Grader Susie Johnson.
00:23:02: Popped a chubber. Classy way of saying you just got a boner.
00:23:40: This gay guy is annoying. Not because he's gay, but because the guy who wrote this obviously has never met a gay person before.
00:24:32: One conversation with Rat-Tail and this girl's acting like she's in love. See, this is why I chose to be abstinent in high school.
00:25:30: Fire, water, earth and air with the Spirit Stick in the center. cough*TheFifthElement*cough
00:26:40: Why can't I delete you? Funny, that's what I've been thinking for 27 minutes.
00:27:27: This is Romeo & Juliet, mixed with West Side Story, mixed with Down's Syndrome.
00:28:25: Wet T-Shirt Carwashes exist?!?! WHERE?!
00:29:00: Am I high or is that guy wearing a dog hat? WHOA nope. Dude just got his pants pulled off. That is NOT a dog.
00:30:15: Rat tail and the blonde are going on a 40 year long walk. Whatever, I'd still rather be watching this than Dear John.
00:31:01: Asian just made a karate joke. Then got a kiss. How come my karate jokes never work?
00:31:50: This is by far the gayest Latino on the planet.
00:32:34: The Rat Tail Asian wants to dance with the Jewish Princess. Reminds me of my first time. What?
00:33:33: Is that a cameraman in the CENTER OF THE SHOT? Oh wait they mean for us to see it. By "us" I mean "me" since no sane person would ever get this from Netflix.
00:34:38: Somebody jacked the spirit stick. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
00:35:23: OK, I'll say it. Somebody get Ashley Tisdale's sister a lead role in a serious dramatic movie. It'll win Best Comedy at the Golden Globes for sure.
00:36:48: What accent is this woman doing? Southern? Moroccan? Chilean? That would explain the earthquake. What? Too soon?
00:37:45: Hey, you can't go down head first down the slide? Someone kick the gay Latino out of the waterpark!
00:38:17: Now bad things are happening to all of them since they lost the spirit stick. you make your own luck ladies, just ask Dusty Baker in October 2003. JACKASS MOTHERFUCKER.
00:39:28: Wow, those are some nice eyes. I mean, it's not so often you see an Asian guy with baby blues. Whoa shit I'm typing this aren't I....
00:40:25: They are circling a bonfire....doing a "cheersacrifice"....please let it be me.
00:41:00: I wish I had that "Sassy Broadway Show Tunes" CD. I mean, I've been listening to the Wicked soundtrack lately and...it's delightful.
00:42:00: No. They're actually doing it. They are re-enacting a scene from West Side Story. Western Civilization = Over. Kill me. WHO WROTE THIS AND SAID HEY JOHN LETS RE-ENACT WEST SIDE STORY BECAUSE THIS IS BRING IT ON 4 AND WE NEED TO BRING IT!
00:43:12: Chugging faster in hopes that I will blackout from this horrible, horrible scene.
00:44:44: That girl's reading The Art of War. Come to meeeeeeeeeee.
00:45:19: Girl is having a dream about being cheerleading bums. But actually bums. Have you ever seen Evil Dead 2? I feel like it's that, but more......there really is no word. It's just fucking retarded.
00:46:40: DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR CHEER DREAMS! I NEED TO FINISH THE VODKA!
00:47:00: Switching to Red Bull/Vodka. It can't be any worse than the Black Olive Dirty Martini I just had. OR CAN IT? Stay tuned.
00:47:44: Stupid whores. That's all.
00:48:20: Hilary Duff Light? More like Hilary Duff Caffeine Free Diet Light.
00:49:00: Enemies becoming friends. Lovely.
00:49:59: God, I can't stop staring at Tisdale's boobs. Shit, I'm typing again aren't I?
00:50:44: We're the "Shets." Apparently, this is the best combination of Sharks and Jets. Not Sharts?
00:51:55: Booty dancing practice. My favorite kind of practice. Besides sex practice. That's funner.
00:52:31: I don't like this guy's mohawk. It makes him look like a rat-tailed half-Asian wannabee. What? It's not racist if it's true.
00:53:35: So mammy bobbs....so close to each other....must...sign up...for cheer squad...
00:54:28: Tisdale's wearing a lei. Ha. I'd lei her. Get it? I'm pretty clever.
00:55:33: Tisdale's being nice to Rat Tail. I don't like this side of her. I used to know you, Ashley Tisdale's sister.
00:56:20: That is his loss, if you are indeed double jointed, Ms. Tisdale. Meanwhile, my number's 630267941........
00:57:00: "Drinking 40's out the nipple" aka my new life motto.
00:57:45: A black girl that annunciates? hahahahaha. It just keeps getting less realistic!
00:58:34: They're all going around talking about their deepest secrets. It's like that day I saw a divorce therapist and then watched Space jam. Damn, Space Jam FUCKING RULES!
00:59:55: The gay latino is straight. Literally. And now he's getting attacked. Well played, not gay Latino. Well played.
01:00:55: Rat tail's telling Army dad about cheer camp. Rough. FATHER'S SHOULD ACCEPT THEIR SONS. NO MATTER WHAT!
01:01:59: OK, we get it Latino boy, you're not gay. But you are.
01:03:00: Why are they salsa dancing while moaning? Porn?
01:03:54: There's a straight closet, eh? Well, I'm out ladies. Dig in.
01:04:30: The worst. Montage. Ever.
01:05:04: Tisdale quotes The Art of War then walks away with taht fineeeeeee asss. Ugh. Jillie? We need to talk....about how great you are! (Whew....)
01:06:19: It's cheer recon spy shit. I feel liek I'm watching The Bourne Idiocy.
01:07:40: The opposing squad is in "Cheertopia." Meanwhile, I wish I was dead.
01:08:40: Tisdale's hat is bomb. Yeah, I'm down with today's lingo. Shut up, 20 year old haters.
01:09:26: "Straight" Latino's Hawaiian shirt makes me think he might be lying about....something....
01:10:25: I'm really wishing I was a cheerleader. It's so fun!
01:11:28: here we go, cheer camp championships! Why are there so many Asians?
01:12:30: Whoa, black guy didn't stick the landing. That's a points deduction for sure.
01:13:00: I can think of other things you can do while spreading those legs mid-air. But this is a family blog.
01:13:40: People live in South Dakota? I thought that was a myth.
01:14:02: I like making Vodka/Red Bull at home because at the bars it's like $9 for one. But if you do it at home, you just have to buy a Red Bull, which is like $4 and vodka, which is like....shit. It's probably the same. Fuck.
01:14:44: Jumping up and down = not that hard when you're makign a low budget cheer movie.
01:15:07: The following things were said in order: "Cheersaster," "Cheertastrophe," and "Cheerpocolypse of the sun." Ok, i'll give you the last one. I like that movie. It's just as mind-blowing....just in a....completely different way.
01:16:00: A Cheertage! See, i can do it tooo! Hehe haha.
01:16:39: The Mighty Flamingos? SnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnicker
01:17:34: OK I just have to say it. I wanna do strange things to Tisdale. I'm sorry, my girlfriend, but shes hot and BAM she's on my celeb list. So it's not cheating. Kinda.
01:19:09: SO MUCH PINK! HOW DO I FEEL THIS GOOD SOBERRRRRRRRRR
01:20:17: Rat tail and blondie fall in love. God damn, it's like Cinderella but....(LINE!)...less enchanting.
01:21:00: The Sharts start to perform. Noseplugs ready, people!
01:21:46: Lots of boobs and butts...some cute, some not. Other than that, IDK. Goth girl's looking like pretty do-able at this point. (Stares at drink) Mmmmmmmmm
01:22:50: Do cheerleaders like anal more than regular girls do? Sure seems like it from this scene.
01:23:55: Whoa. They got that move from a roller coaster. It's as dumb as it sounds, don't worry.
01:24:55: Cheer CAmp Competion = The Most Important Thing EVER.
01:25:34: South Dakota came in 3rd place. It's their new state motto.
01:26:00: The good guys won. Today was a fairy tale. Taylor Swift. What? Hmmmm
01:26:40: Rat-tail gets a makeout. And then they are in photoshopped London!
01:27:00: IT'S THE REAL ASHLEY TISDALE! SINGING HER HIT SINGLE "He said, She said." (Secretly likes it...)
01:27:56: The movie is over. Go away.
Also, Netflix: If this DVD smells like Vodka or Red Bull or Both, it wasn't me. It was Shaggy.
00:00:00: I'm drinking Vodka Martinis. Class class class.
00:00:01: This has a "N/A" on Rotten Tomatoes, so I'm holding out hope that his will be the Citizen Kane of straight-to-DVD cheerleader movies.
00:00:24: What morons are renting this after the three other ones? (*looks in mirror*)
00:01:04: There isn't a hair on screen that isn't blonde.
00:01:33: Script by Mike's Former Gym Teacher
00:02:04: Cheerleader in a Jason mask. What? (Checks title of movie.) Oh yeah, nevermind.
00:03:12: Cheerleading camp is not fun. Tell it, cliche black girl!
00:03:40: "Dibs on their entrails." I swear, that just happened.
00:04:20: Epitomized? That's a pretty big word for Bring It On 4.
00:05:57: That is the blondest blonde I've ever blonded.
00:06:18: Note to self: Guerillia Warfare does NOT involve actual gorillas.
00:07:00: How come girls didn't have these kinda boobs in high school? Would have been such a better excuse for me not getting laid.
00:07:44: I don't think that's the right way to say "you've got skid marks."
00:08:30: This guy is like half-Indian, half-Vietnamese with a rat tail. Which is funny, because Veitnamese eat rat. It's like he's eating his own hair! EWWWWW!
00:09:39: Do girls actually like licking ass? That's gross, ladies. Oh wait, she said abs.
00:10:55: It's true, girls, guys do hate biters.
00:11:31: Sue me, so far I like it.
00:11:59: This girl's name is Chicago? I know black ppl like to be creative, but c'mon.
00:12:50: That'd be hotter if you were in a skirt, darling.
00:13:44: That stick she's holding is full of spirit, alright. And you'll get to feel it's aura all night. (Get it? It was a sex joke.)
00:14:33: The Cheer Gods? Are they named "Like" "Totally" and "Whatever"?
00:14:55: Girl just slapped her ass. BRB.
00:15:42: Inter-cheer-racial relationship. You see, it's funny because their cheerleaders.
00:16:45: Apparently, one of these girls is Ashley Tisdale's sister. I can only imagine that phone call: "Hey, Ashley, wanna do Bring It On 4? Oh ok, can you hand the phone to your sister?"
00:17:38: Cheer skirts, that's better. Don't worry, they're all 18. At least....shit, no more sex jokes.
00:18:39: Points will be deducted for bad facials. Wait...is this porn?
00:19:16: That's not dancing. That's the move I like to call "I'm a Slut So I Call Shaking My Ass Dancing"
00:20:12: Smile, emo girl. JESUS she's wearing vampire teeth. Note to self: Make sure my girlfriend doesn't turn emo.
00:21:00: Drink #2, on it's way. Too early for another drink? Shut up, you're not watching Bring It On 4.
00:21:01: Side Note: Can you use black olives for martinis? If not, I just wasted a ton of vodka.
00:21:15: Fairy Gothmother? Shut up and keep looking good in that bikini.
00:21:57: Cheer off on the beach. Written exculsively by 4th Grader Susie Johnson.
00:23:02: Popped a chubber. Classy way of saying you just got a boner.
00:23:40: This gay guy is annoying. Not because he's gay, but because the guy who wrote this obviously has never met a gay person before.
00:24:32: One conversation with Rat-Tail and this girl's acting like she's in love. See, this is why I chose to be abstinent in high school.
00:25:30: Fire, water, earth and air with the Spirit Stick in the center. cough*TheFifthElement*cough
00:26:40: Why can't I delete you? Funny, that's what I've been thinking for 27 minutes.
00:27:27: This is Romeo & Juliet, mixed with West Side Story, mixed with Down's Syndrome.
00:28:25: Wet T-Shirt Carwashes exist?!?! WHERE?!
00:29:00: Am I high or is that guy wearing a dog hat? WHOA nope. Dude just got his pants pulled off. That is NOT a dog.
00:30:15: Rat tail and the blonde are going on a 40 year long walk. Whatever, I'd still rather be watching this than Dear John.
00:31:01: Asian just made a karate joke. Then got a kiss. How come my karate jokes never work?
00:31:50: This is by far the gayest Latino on the planet.
00:32:34: The Rat Tail Asian wants to dance with the Jewish Princess. Reminds me of my first time. What?
00:33:33: Is that a cameraman in the CENTER OF THE SHOT? Oh wait they mean for us to see it. By "us" I mean "me" since no sane person would ever get this from Netflix.
00:34:38: Somebody jacked the spirit stick. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
00:35:23: OK, I'll say it. Somebody get Ashley Tisdale's sister a lead role in a serious dramatic movie. It'll win Best Comedy at the Golden Globes for sure.
00:36:48: What accent is this woman doing? Southern? Moroccan? Chilean? That would explain the earthquake. What? Too soon?
00:37:45: Hey, you can't go down head first down the slide? Someone kick the gay Latino out of the waterpark!
00:38:17: Now bad things are happening to all of them since they lost the spirit stick. you make your own luck ladies, just ask Dusty Baker in October 2003. JACKASS MOTHERFUCKER.
00:39:28: Wow, those are some nice eyes. I mean, it's not so often you see an Asian guy with baby blues. Whoa shit I'm typing this aren't I....
00:40:25: They are circling a bonfire....doing a "cheersacrifice"....please let it be me.
00:41:00: I wish I had that "Sassy Broadway Show Tunes" CD. I mean, I've been listening to the Wicked soundtrack lately and...it's delightful.
00:42:00: No. They're actually doing it. They are re-enacting a scene from West Side Story. Western Civilization = Over. Kill me. WHO WROTE THIS AND SAID HEY JOHN LETS RE-ENACT WEST SIDE STORY BECAUSE THIS IS BRING IT ON 4 AND WE NEED TO BRING IT!
00:43:12: Chugging faster in hopes that I will blackout from this horrible, horrible scene.
00:44:44: That girl's reading The Art of War. Come to meeeeeeeeeee.
00:45:19: Girl is having a dream about being cheerleading bums. But actually bums. Have you ever seen Evil Dead 2? I feel like it's that, but more......there really is no word. It's just fucking retarded.
00:46:40: DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR CHEER DREAMS! I NEED TO FINISH THE VODKA!
00:47:00: Switching to Red Bull/Vodka. It can't be any worse than the Black Olive Dirty Martini I just had. OR CAN IT? Stay tuned.
00:47:44: Stupid whores. That's all.
00:48:20: Hilary Duff Light? More like Hilary Duff Caffeine Free Diet Light.
00:49:00: Enemies becoming friends. Lovely.
00:49:59: God, I can't stop staring at Tisdale's boobs. Shit, I'm typing again aren't I?
00:50:44: We're the "Shets." Apparently, this is the best combination of Sharks and Jets. Not Sharts?
00:51:55: Booty dancing practice. My favorite kind of practice. Besides sex practice. That's funner.
00:52:31: I don't like this guy's mohawk. It makes him look like a rat-tailed half-Asian wannabee. What? It's not racist if it's true.
00:53:35: So mammy bobbs....so close to each other....must...sign up...for cheer squad...
00:54:28: Tisdale's wearing a lei. Ha. I'd lei her. Get it? I'm pretty clever.
00:55:33: Tisdale's being nice to Rat Tail. I don't like this side of her. I used to know you, Ashley Tisdale's sister.
00:56:20: That is his loss, if you are indeed double jointed, Ms. Tisdale. Meanwhile, my number's 630267941........
00:57:00: "Drinking 40's out the nipple" aka my new life motto.
00:57:45: A black girl that annunciates? hahahahaha. It just keeps getting less realistic!
00:58:34: They're all going around talking about their deepest secrets. It's like that day I saw a divorce therapist and then watched Space jam. Damn, Space Jam FUCKING RULES!
00:59:55: The gay latino is straight. Literally. And now he's getting attacked. Well played, not gay Latino. Well played.
01:00:55: Rat tail's telling Army dad about cheer camp. Rough. FATHER'S SHOULD ACCEPT THEIR SONS. NO MATTER WHAT!
01:01:59: OK, we get it Latino boy, you're not gay. But you are.
01:03:00: Why are they salsa dancing while moaning? Porn?
01:03:54: There's a straight closet, eh? Well, I'm out ladies. Dig in.
01:04:30: The worst. Montage. Ever.
01:05:04: Tisdale quotes The Art of War then walks away with taht fineeeeeee asss. Ugh. Jillie? We need to talk....about how great you are! (Whew....)
01:06:19: It's cheer recon spy shit. I feel liek I'm watching The Bourne Idiocy.
01:07:40: The opposing squad is in "Cheertopia." Meanwhile, I wish I was dead.
01:08:40: Tisdale's hat is bomb. Yeah, I'm down with today's lingo. Shut up, 20 year old haters.
01:09:26: "Straight" Latino's Hawaiian shirt makes me think he might be lying about....something....
01:10:25: I'm really wishing I was a cheerleader. It's so fun!
01:11:28: here we go, cheer camp championships! Why are there so many Asians?
01:12:30: Whoa, black guy didn't stick the landing. That's a points deduction for sure.
01:13:00: I can think of other things you can do while spreading those legs mid-air. But this is a family blog.
01:13:40: People live in South Dakota? I thought that was a myth.
01:14:02: I like making Vodka/Red Bull at home because at the bars it's like $9 for one. But if you do it at home, you just have to buy a Red Bull, which is like $4 and vodka, which is like....shit. It's probably the same. Fuck.
01:14:44: Jumping up and down = not that hard when you're makign a low budget cheer movie.
01:15:07: The following things were said in order: "Cheersaster," "Cheertastrophe," and "Cheerpocolypse of the sun." Ok, i'll give you the last one. I like that movie. It's just as mind-blowing....just in a....completely different way.
01:16:00: A Cheertage! See, i can do it tooo! Hehe haha.
01:16:39: The Mighty Flamingos? SnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnicker
01:17:34: OK I just have to say it. I wanna do strange things to Tisdale. I'm sorry, my girlfriend, but shes hot and BAM she's on my celeb list. So it's not cheating. Kinda.
01:19:09: SO MUCH PINK! HOW DO I FEEL THIS GOOD SOBERRRRRRRRRR
01:20:17: Rat tail and blondie fall in love. God damn, it's like Cinderella but....(LINE!)...less enchanting.
01:21:00: The Sharts start to perform. Noseplugs ready, people!
01:21:46: Lots of boobs and butts...some cute, some not. Other than that, IDK. Goth girl's looking like pretty do-able at this point. (Stares at drink) Mmmmmmmmm
01:22:50: Do cheerleaders like anal more than regular girls do? Sure seems like it from this scene.
01:23:55: Whoa. They got that move from a roller coaster. It's as dumb as it sounds, don't worry.
01:24:55: Cheer CAmp Competion = The Most Important Thing EVER.
01:25:34: South Dakota came in 3rd place. It's their new state motto.
01:26:00: The good guys won. Today was a fairy tale. Taylor Swift. What? Hmmmm
01:26:40: Rat-tail gets a makeout. And then they are in photoshopped London!
01:27:00: IT'S THE REAL ASHLEY TISDALE! SINGING HER HIT SINGLE "He said, She said." (Secretly likes it...)
01:27:56: The movie is over. Go away.
Also, Netflix: If this DVD smells like Vodka or Red Bull or Both, it wasn't me. It was Shaggy.
The Oscar Drinking Game
The Oscars can be a little dull sometimes. If you read this, you probably like to have fun. So here's a surefire way to make the Oscars interesting. The Oscar Drinking Game. Enjoy.
Drink 1....
-Everytime they mention James Cameron competing against his ex-wife for Best Director
-For every joke about Avatar or District 9.
-Every time the winners thank their fellow nominees.
-Anytime a movie/actor you haven't heard of is nominated for something.
Drink 2...
-For EVERY award Avatar wins.
-For EVERY time Haiti or Chile is mentioned.
-For EVERY time they cut to James Cameron.
-For EVERY time they cut to a celebrity that has no business being there. (i.e. Jay-Z, Tony Romo, etc.)
Drink 1/2 Your Drink...
-When Sandra Bullock's accent in The Blind Side is made fun of.
-To Get Through the Musical Numbers
-Alec Baldwin does a vocal impression of someone
-Someone trips on the way to the podium.
Drink a Shot...
-If anything other than Avatar or The Hurt Locker win Best Picture.
-If anyone under 50 wins an acting award.
-If someone makes a joke about "Precious"
-If anyone kisses on stage (for real kissing. not a peck on the cheek)
-If there's a nipple-slip.
Kill Self...
-If The Blind Side wins Best Picture.
Chug the Bottle...
-If Kanye or Mickey Rourke drunkenly interrupt the ceremony.
Drink 1....
-Everytime they mention James Cameron competing against his ex-wife for Best Director
-For every joke about Avatar or District 9.
-Every time the winners thank their fellow nominees.
-Anytime a movie/actor you haven't heard of is nominated for something.
Drink 2...
-For EVERY award Avatar wins.
-For EVERY time Haiti or Chile is mentioned.
-For EVERY time they cut to James Cameron.
-For EVERY time they cut to a celebrity that has no business being there. (i.e. Jay-Z, Tony Romo, etc.)
Drink 1/2 Your Drink...
-When Sandra Bullock's accent in The Blind Side is made fun of.
-To Get Through the Musical Numbers
-Alec Baldwin does a vocal impression of someone
-Someone trips on the way to the podium.
Drink a Shot...
-If anything other than Avatar or The Hurt Locker win Best Picture.
-If anyone under 50 wins an acting award.
-If someone makes a joke about "Precious"
-If anyone kisses on stage (for real kissing. not a peck on the cheek)
-If there's a nipple-slip.
Kill Self...
-If The Blind Side wins Best Picture.
Chug the Bottle...
-If Kanye or Mickey Rourke drunkenly interrupt the ceremony.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Yes, You Can Kiss Me, But Not Only Because I'm Irish ;-) and Other Immature Responses: The March Mailbag
It's back, it's back, IT. IS. BACK. February was both a long and short month. Long, in that it's still so cold. Short, because it's black history month and we whites wanted to make it the shortest month. But all that shall be rendered irrelevant as we move into March, which has Madness, St. Patty's Day, and so much green you might just get high or rich from being alive. Now let's move on--The March Mailbag.
Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.
Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)
Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.
Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)
Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.
Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!
Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.
Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.
Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"
Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.
Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.
Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.
Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)
Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.
Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.
Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.
Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.
Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.
Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.
Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!
Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.
Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)
Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.
Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)
Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.
Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!
Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.
Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.
Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"
Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.
Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.
Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.
Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)
Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.
Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.
Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.
Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.
Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.
Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.
Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!
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