Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Transformers

Hey ladies, gentlemen, and other things that can inexplicably read! I've decided to come and finish my Drunk Real Michael Bay Review segment. (No, I'm not doing Transformers 2. I don't think either of us will lose too much sleep over it) I hate Tranformers. I hate Shia LaBeof. But one thing I don't hate it being done with stuff that I hate. So today I finish this abysmal segment, unless I decide to keep it going later on through another director, once and for all. And to all those reading, I'd just like to remind you: I'm not a douchebag asshole writer, I just play one on the Internet. Intro's are for essays. And this is drinking and matching a movie. So let'sssssssssssssssssss GO!

00:00:00: My drink of choice today? Well, I feel like you've been cheated. I haven't got as drunk as I really could've during these segments. So today, if I have all the ingredients, I'm going to be drinking LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS during this garbage flick. (Checks for ingredients....Damnit! I don't have Triple Sec. That is so not worth going to buy.) How bout I create a drink? Ok. Whiskey, Tequila, Sprite with a dash of Champagne. And guess what? It's so good, only a genius would think of it. I now proclaim this drink "The Mannequin" in honor of my fav band Jack's Mannequin and the fact that I'll probably be acting as lifeless as a mannequin after I finish it.

00:00:44: Is it too much to complain about the TV i'm watching Blu-Ray on being too small?

00:02:00: Robot monologues are as monotonely boring as you'd expect one to be.

00:02:39: Taye Diggs is so racist. Attractive, but racist. The good ones, it's always something. Am I right ladies?

00:03:44: How bad do you have to piss someone off to be stationed in Qatar?

00:05:13: Some soldiering skyping with his cute wife asked if his kid "just farted or not." What a catch.

00:06:39: First Transformer sighting and he just straight up murders an army base. When in Qatar...

00:07:50: Transformer downloads all our secrets then throws a few tanks around. No big.

00:09:18: Shia aka Whitwickie, has the worst lame-o name ever in this movie. Let's call him Shia Witwickkie.

00:10:50: First Megan Fox sighting. She's currently ripping out souls in my head.

00:11:45: This is how Shia Witwickie convinced his teacher to give him an A: "What would Jesus do?" Probably tell him his report sucks ass, that's what.

00:12:40: Bernie Mac! BACK FROM THE DEAAAAAAAAAAAD!

00:13:54: Ostrich at a car dealer? Seems relevant.

00:15:35: Car destroys parking lot and Bernie Mac gives into the bartering. That's not the Mac we all knew and loved.

00:16:40: Secretary of Defense recruits kids younger than me to save America. Story of my life, really.

00:17:10: Holy shit, that guy looks exactly like Ryan Reynolds if Ryan was fat and grew a mullet.

00:18:00: Advice to Shia: If you're hawking antiques on ebay, a good user name is NOT ladiesman217.

00:20:49: Shia getting made fun of by the popular kids. I know that, S-Dawg.

00:21:59: When you have a friend that climbs trees, you're chances of having sex with Megan Fox go down times 40,000.

00:23:10: Shia was wondering if he could ride Megan home. His words, not mine.

00:24:36: Megan Fox has an Oscar, right?

00:26:07: Does this movie have a plot, or am I just supposed to be looking at Megan Fox?

00:27:31: How did you not try and kiss her Shia? Wimp.

00:28:09: Guy makes fun of Iran. That's bush league dude.

00:28:50: There's a Tranofrmer on Air Force One. Probably up to good things.

00:29:59: Downloading shit off AFO. GET OFF MY PLANE!

00:30:43: Do hot girl British computer programmer really exist or is that a movie thing?

00:32:19: Secret Service agents getting capped like 50 Cent at a fried chicken BBQ. Not racist. If you don't have fried chicken BBQ's, you have no taste in food.

00:33:25: Robot language is confusing and annoying after tequila and whiskey.

00:34:08: Shia's car is getting stolen by itself. It makes sense if you're Michael Bay and/or a Transformer collector. (hint: you aren't)

00:35:29: If you give a "last words" on video and you mention porn, you are Shia Witwickiee.

00:36:38: Who ever asks "I wonder if Jon Voight's available?" when they are casting movies.

00:37:39: Hot British programmer is actually Australian. That makes her hotter since....I hate British things. Except soccer. I love that.

00:39:11: We are back in Qatar with our soldiers. And thank god, because I was just missing lame action sequences.

00:40:29: Killer robots all OVER the place. No wonder Qatar's tourism industry is strugling.

00:41:33: Taye Diggs screaming about his ass.

00:43:18: Air support blah blah, gunfire, explosions, racism, death. You get the point.

00:44:08: If Taye Diggs tells you to "bring the rain," you better BRING THE RAIN DAMNIT!

00:45:39: There's only one hacker in the world who can crack that code and it's ANTHONY ANDERSON. His fat cuz is busy playing DDR. What a player.

00:47:22: Project Iceman? What is this, Top Gun? Anthony Anderson is crying like a woman. Blech yuck insert unreal word of disgust.

00:48:33: Shia just totally wiped out on a pink bike in front of Megan Fox while being chased by his car. And something tells me that police car is a robot. Hunch only.

00:50:40: ROBOT WARSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

00:51:01: That robot really wants to find out who the ladies man is.

00:53:05: I don't remember what I was going to type.

00:54:22: Robot's are fighting and Shia's in his underwear. Because anything else would be uncivilized.

00:54:49: Found Megan and Shia's future professions: Robot killer and Placekicker.

00:56:30: I doubt Shia's the weirdest boy Megan Fox has ever met.

00:57:38: Nothing like a good ol' fashioned robot fight to bring two horny teens together.

00:59:187: So astroids are really robots? Or are robots really astroids? DOES IT MATTER?

01:00:59: Because if I were a shifting robot, I'd be a Pontiac Solstice!

01:02:39: Literally nothing has happened but music in the last 2 minutes.

01:03:59: His guardian is named Bumblebee. Whatever, mine was named Red Robin Butterfly.

01:05:28: Flashback in a robot movie? Pretentious.

01:06:45: If someone told me I was the key to Earth's survival, that would prove there is no God.

01:07:38: In a 8 second montage, Anthony Anderson eats an entire plate of doughnuts. Also, heart disease.

01:08:23: Anthony is a virgin. Ouch, that guys like 35.

01:10:39: Robot: "Sorry, my bad." You're talking about the movie, right?

01:12:11: If a robot carried Megan Fox up to my room, I wouldn't be looking for glasses. You know what? I probably would be. I'm all talk. But I don't wear glasses. I'd probably look for socks or something.

01:13:50: Robots running into power lines and fat guys running under tables. A day in the life of Michael Bay.

01:14:40: YOU DO NOT WANT SHIA'S DAD TO START COUNTING!

01:15:30: Literal conversation about Shia masturbating. Or "Shia's Happy Time" as it's called in the movie.

01:17:08: Yikes Spikes! The FBI has showed up at Shia Witwickie's. John Tutorro is NOT happy.

01:18:09: Word's you don't want to hear an older lady hear: "Keep your hands off my bush!"

01:19:11: Shia is OFF THE CHARTS on the E-Meter. BTW, this drink ROCKS!

01:21:02: Robot ambush on the FBI. Fucked Beyond Ignition. or something.

01:21:45: I wish I had a robot friend. I mean, for when I get lonely. Wait. All this is coming out wrong aka drunk.

01:23:37: Robot just pissed all over an FBI agent. Not funny, that's a ffederal offense.

01:25:38: Jesus! That robots leaving potholes bigger than the ones in Rand Road!

01:26:48: Ever seen a movie where spectacles are the plot point? Welcome to Michael Bay's World. I gotta bathroom.

01:28:49: I mean, stuff happened while I was in the bathroom...but you don't really care, do you?

01:30:20: TOTAL WORLDWIDE BLACKOUT ON ALL COMM. That's what you get for messing with alien robot things.

01:30:50: If they think I believe that lame ass President Herbert Hoover would set up an awesome secret alien division, than they have something else coming...on their FACE!

01:31:52; These people in the movie act like there's only three options for a villain: Russian, North Korean, or alien robot.

01:33:15: I also bought a car, Shia Witwickie, but the strangest thing about it was that it has this little scratch on the driver door that has just kept rusting and rusting and I'm not sure what to do. I'm just not a greasehead you know? Whatev LOL!

01:34:55: Robbot monologue about mistakes and honor and peace and....yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

01:36:00: I wish John Tutorro would ask me if I wanted a Double Venti Macciato.

01:38:02: Megatron is Harbinger of Death, apparently. I don't really know what any of those words mean, I'm just writing down what they're saying.

01:39:08: Again, there ain't enough tequila in the world to make me believe Hoover was cool.

01:39:48: All the bad robots are transportation devices and looking for their evil alien robot leader. It's as cool as the Blackberry was before the iPhone.

01:41:49: Seems like, if I had a secret government base it wouldn't be in the Hoover Dam, but what do I know? I'm just sane and not completely moronical.

01:42:49: Ten bucks says the evil frozen robot wakes up. I swear, I've never seen this before....(WINK WINK) I swear....

01:43:46: One of the secret agents names is "Siemens." Hehe.

01:44:50: What is this "all-spark" they keep talking about? Sex toy?

01:46:24: I'm bored. Anyone wanna play beer pong?

01:46:50: Frozen robot's awake. You owe me 10.

01:47:30: They are asking for some sort of cube. Ice Cube? I think he's in South Centra'

01:48:20: Why are hot Australian girls so hot when they talk Australian?

01:48:21: I'm pretty weird.

01:49:50: I've always wanted to give an authenticated air strike order. Someone get Barack on the phone.

01:50:59: Here's Michael Bay's patented "road destruction sequence." Help us, lord, we pray.

01:52:14: Can't the fat black guy just save the day already? The tequila is hurting my brain.

01:53:15: I feel like if I played Taye Diggs' character, you wouldn't have noticed the difference. Besides the skin color, of course.

01:54:19: Jeez, why don't Shia Witwickie and Megan Foxer get a f'n room already?

01:55:28: It's the return of the PONTIAC SELICA! Get ready for some actioN!

01:56:15: Explosions behind Megan Fox in slow-mo? Not even the strictest film critic can complain about that.

01:57:55: Megatron just ripped a robot in half. I keep thinking I spilled on myself but it's just a shadow on me. Goddamnit, it's still annoying.

01:59:00: Don't you love how in movies all you have to do is repeat your request over and over and you'll get your way?

02:00:32: I'm sorry, but something is lost in a robot fight. How do I know what hurts them? Not cool at all.

02:01:50: I'm not sure who the good robots are, but they all are sure to be causing alot of death.

02:02:32: An xbox just turned into a robot. Can I ever play video games again? Not unless it's FIFA '10!

02:03:44: I mean, just a whole bunch of gunfire and stuff. Nothing really relevant to any sort of plot.

02:04:49: Megan Fox, gunfire, Megan Fox, robot explosion, Megan Fox, death, fire, Megan Fox, win.

02:06:18: Even robot villains talk and talk and talk to give the good guys time to save each other. SO LAME EPIC FAIL.

02:07:04: Shia WItwickie falls from some building but is caught. Hey, the Cubs are looking for a new catcher, you interested?

02:09:39: BRING THE RAIN TAYE DIGGS! And they do, naturally.

02:10:59: Megatron is gettting lit up worse than Kevin Gregg.

02:11:50: Evil robot dead, Shia fine, and good robots giving life lessons. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK IN A QUALITY FLICK? WHO NEEDS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT PLOT POINTS OR SMART DIALOGUE?

02:13:09: Bumblebee wishes to stay with the boy. Sounds like "Transformers: The Brokeback Mountain Edition" is in development.

02:14:11: Ugh. Another robot monologue to end the movie. I wonder how Bumblebee feels to be getting made out on by Megan Fox and Shia Witwickie.

02:15:00: Don't believe them, there's no sequel!

02:15:10: THE MOVIE/SEGMENT/TORTURE is OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Blech! My excitement is beyond the level that a coke addicted raver that's about to have sex with a celebrity must feel! I really hope you enjoyed this whole Michael Bay segment because I didn't. I mean, reading them is fun but writing them is like being shot through space without a spacesuit. Cold and lonely. Anyways, I think I deserve a few days off and I'm going to take them. Have a good weekend ladies! I'm not a drunk writer asshole douchebag. Except on this website.

PEACE I"M OUT