Welcome to the first edition of continent by continent. In this segment I will go over the major events and problems that have shaped EVERY country on that continent. Today I will start with South America, the 2nd Worst Continent right in front of Africa and just behind Antarctica.
Country: Argentina
"Don't cry for me...." Ok, I won't.
Argentina is a pretty average country, well above the standard for South America. It has a wonderful landscape with mountains, hills, and national parks. It's a good tourist spot. They have improved their economy drastically in the last 10 years, thanks to a rich amount of natural resources. Their president is excellent and has turned around the country. A modern day transition from 3rd to 2nd World country in a short amount of time without doing anything drastic. (Ehem, watch and learn Africa)
Rating (out of 12 S.American Countries): 1
Country: Chile
A troubled history with Allende and Pinochet are always in the back of pundits minds. They now have a woman Socialist in power, that's probably good for int. relations. Unemployment, poverty, and overall economic progress have remained relatively stable for a while now. Good stuff all around but nothing to brag about.
Rating: 3
Country: Guyana
Yes, I've never heard of it either. In this Northeast corner of S.A., Guyana has a great amount of biodiversity and a flat economy that relies on agriculture. It's the only country in the Americas where homosexuality is illegal. Guyana has the worst economy in South America and has the worst health care there too. But they have that, uh, rich culture. ehem"shithole"ehem
Rating: 10
Country: Suriname
Very, very unfortunate that I have to waste time writing about this country. Their economy sucks. It's very small. 70 percent are below the poverty line. Drugs and stuff. Rich culture, though.
Rating: 9
Country: Bolivia
192 Coup d'etat's in their history, the most in the world. This country is very, very poor. Don't even have a rich culture. For shame, Bolivia. You get my worst rating.
Rating: 12
Country: Ecuador
Extremely unstable government for the last 20 years. 70 percent below poverty and their economy relies on what oil they have. It does have some beautiful landscapes and other beautiful sites. Their food, culture, and art are also very good, so I'm going to give them a break. Still, get your act together.
Rating: 6
Country: Paraguay
Their economy: laughable. Their government: a joke. Their culture/geography: Boring. The only good thing I could say is that the beaches are good looking and beautiful. Otherwise, stop shitting and get off the pot Paraguay.
Rating: 11
Country: Venezuela
Hugo, Hugo, and more Hugo. He's like a ultra-liberal crazy person. Surprisingly, Ven. has a very good health care system and decent economy. Their government, although not friends with Dubya, has remained stable since Chavez took power, minus that coup attempt a few years ago. Their arcitecture and culture is very Latin but still not bad. However, half the country lives under the poverty line and their economy is completely dependent on oil, which will catch up to them.
Rating: 5
Country: Brazil
The biggest country in S. America. They have a good and diverse economy that stems from their numerous resources from the rain forest. Diverse people and ecosystem with a booming populating (good and bad). Plus, they get alot of tourism for their rainforest. I'm liking this government and their anti-poverty programs. They got it right. Take a bow or do the salsa!
Rating: 2
Country: Peru
The Incan culture is very beautiful and diverse. Their economy is average. Government is a problem and they need some help, they have created alot of turmoil with corruption and instability. Do have some drug problems as well. C'mon Peru, kick the habit already.
Rating: 7
Country: Uruguay
Decent landscape with a bad geographic position. However, their economy relies on agriculture and is just awful. They do have a large European population and this results in lack of a decent culture. Have had some major health issues in the past and their government is not kind of like a sitting duck. Plus, if you took one of the U's out it's Ur u Gay.
Rating: 8
Country: Colombia
Large and physically diverse. Surprisingly good economy minus the drugs with a decent amount of tourism. Their government's haven't been good at all as they continue to fight rebels and drug lords. Oh, and the drugs are kind of a problem. Good economy and increasing tourist numbers should continue to give Colombia significant growth. But if you want a date with the prom queen, you can't be a druggie. So kick the habit and we'll talk.
Rating: 4
South American Country Ratings:
1. Argentina
2. Brazil
3. Chile
4. Colombia
5. Venezuela
6. Ecuador
7. Peru
8. Uruguay
9. Suriname
10. Guyana
11. Paraguay
12. Bolivia
Whew. That took alot out of me. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing Asia next, just to get one of the more populous continents out of the way but it may take a while, so be patient.
P.S. I didn't forget about my interview thing, I just wanted to do something a little more serious. The Hilary interview will be up within the week
STAY TUNED......
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Predictions for the Next 11 Months
Hey there, I updated my blog a bit. You may have noticed I moved from Arlington Heights, but what can I say? Living in Iran as an American makes everyday an adventure.
But seriously, I'm taking a break from my hectic interview schedule and 21 hour flights back and forth to school and home to give you some predictions for 2007, even though it's almost Ferbruary. Here it goes:
1. The Threat Level Will be Raised, Nothing Will Happen
But then again, this happens pretty much every year now.
2. It will be the hottest recorded year, temperature-wise.
Just ask Al Gore. Better yet, don't, because he might show you his Powerpoint Presentation and make it into a movie. (Oh, wait, too late)
3. Iraq will get worse
If it's possible.
4. Kevin Federline will release a Platinum album
Which of course, will be very foolish, because CDs made of Platinum will break your CD player
5. Cubs will NOT win the World Series
I mean, you think last year was bad? Wait til next year.....
6. A War will break out in Africa
I'm going go out on a limb here but there may be even more than one
For the second half of my "blog" I will interview Condolezza Rice, the US Sec. of State, to see what she thinks of my predictions and the year to come.
MD: Me, CWR: Condi "Wild" Rice
MD: Hello, Condi, nice to see you again. I haven't seen you since that one hot night we had in Baghdad.
CWR: Michael, you said you wouldn't mention that if I gave...
MD: Well, it was over 100 degrees in Saddam's bedroom, you know that turned you on a ...
CWR: ENOUGH!
MD: Ehem, Sorry. Anyway, what do you see in store for Iraq in 2007? Besides, of course, it getting much, much worse.
CWR: I think President Bush's sending of more troops is a very good idea and can reestablish the security for the Iraqi people.
MD: Why don't you just say "We fucked up in Iraq"?
CWR: Well, I don't believe we did.
MD: But we did have alot to drink that night, not to mention you snorted cocaine off my chest and smoked a joint with that Iraqi nomad guy with his sheep all around, man that was crazy. I still can't believe we went in that guys tent and fuc...
CWR: YOU SNORTED OFF MY CHEST! Oh, shit. I mean, ummm....
MD: AHHH HA! But seriously, what are your thoughts on my 6 predictions for the next 11 months?
CWR: Um...Well, first off, the threat level will not raise because the only way it can raise now is if we are attacked on our soil. As to Al Gore's claim of Global Warming, I don't think that's been scientifically proven, plus it's Al Gore, I mean when will he get over losing to Bush? I think he just wants to feel special.
MD: Wow, My thoughts exactly
CWR: Iraq will not get worse becuase our government is making some very interesting reforms on policy.
MD: Doubletalk for "We are so backed into a corner and we don't even know what to do anymore because we didn't really have a plan going in."
CWR: Well, it's not my fault, I'm just cleaning up Rumsfelds, Powell, and Georgy's mess.
MD: Ehem, Georgy? That sounds like a pet name to me.
CWR: No that's just what his mistress calls him.
MD: But you just....Never mind, go on.
CWR: I think Kevin Federline won't release a platinum album because he will be murdered by a huge mob. As for the Cubs, they did spend alot of money this year and are my pick to win the World Series. However, I think we can prevent war from happening in Africa with some of the same peace policies we implemented with Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Russia, and Texas.
MD: Well Thanks for Joining me Condi, as always, your either wrong or just avoiding the point. Join me next week when I interview Hilary Duff. Or a copy of the cease and desist papers she sends me, I'm still waiting on that 429th email reply.
MD: Condi, I got this excellent weed and opium from this guy in the government. You mix them and it's called the "Ayatollah" because after you smoke it you act like your the ruler of a real country. Sex is supposed to be like a George Bush poster in Iran on it: on fire.
Condi: Sure but let's go I have a meeting with the Iranian secre....wait, why is that red light still on on the camera?
MD: SHIT! MUHAMMED, WHEN I TELL YOU TO CUT, YOU TURN OFF THE FUCKING CAMERA! DON'T YOU KNOW WE ARE LIVE! I'm taking my 200 riali back. Your still rolling, why, I'm going kill your children and then (camera shuts off)
But seriously, I'm taking a break from my hectic interview schedule and 21 hour flights back and forth to school and home to give you some predictions for 2007, even though it's almost Ferbruary. Here it goes:
1. The Threat Level Will be Raised, Nothing Will Happen
But then again, this happens pretty much every year now.
2. It will be the hottest recorded year, temperature-wise.
Just ask Al Gore. Better yet, don't, because he might show you his Powerpoint Presentation and make it into a movie. (Oh, wait, too late)
3. Iraq will get worse
If it's possible.
4. Kevin Federline will release a Platinum album
Which of course, will be very foolish, because CDs made of Platinum will break your CD player
5. Cubs will NOT win the World Series
I mean, you think last year was bad? Wait til next year.....
6. A War will break out in Africa
I'm going go out on a limb here but there may be even more than one
For the second half of my "blog" I will interview Condolezza Rice, the US Sec. of State, to see what she thinks of my predictions and the year to come.
MD: Me, CWR: Condi "Wild" Rice
MD: Hello, Condi, nice to see you again. I haven't seen you since that one hot night we had in Baghdad.
CWR: Michael, you said you wouldn't mention that if I gave...
MD: Well, it was over 100 degrees in Saddam's bedroom, you know that turned you on a ...
CWR: ENOUGH!
MD: Ehem, Sorry. Anyway, what do you see in store for Iraq in 2007? Besides, of course, it getting much, much worse.
CWR: I think President Bush's sending of more troops is a very good idea and can reestablish the security for the Iraqi people.
MD: Why don't you just say "We fucked up in Iraq"?
CWR: Well, I don't believe we did.
MD: But we did have alot to drink that night, not to mention you snorted cocaine off my chest and smoked a joint with that Iraqi nomad guy with his sheep all around, man that was crazy. I still can't believe we went in that guys tent and fuc...
CWR: YOU SNORTED OFF MY CHEST! Oh, shit. I mean, ummm....
MD: AHHH HA! But seriously, what are your thoughts on my 6 predictions for the next 11 months?
CWR: Um...Well, first off, the threat level will not raise because the only way it can raise now is if we are attacked on our soil. As to Al Gore's claim of Global Warming, I don't think that's been scientifically proven, plus it's Al Gore, I mean when will he get over losing to Bush? I think he just wants to feel special.
MD: Wow, My thoughts exactly
CWR: Iraq will not get worse becuase our government is making some very interesting reforms on policy.
MD: Doubletalk for "We are so backed into a corner and we don't even know what to do anymore because we didn't really have a plan going in."
CWR: Well, it's not my fault, I'm just cleaning up Rumsfelds, Powell, and Georgy's mess.
MD: Ehem, Georgy? That sounds like a pet name to me.
CWR: No that's just what his mistress calls him.
MD: But you just....Never mind, go on.
CWR: I think Kevin Federline won't release a platinum album because he will be murdered by a huge mob. As for the Cubs, they did spend alot of money this year and are my pick to win the World Series. However, I think we can prevent war from happening in Africa with some of the same peace policies we implemented with Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Russia, and Texas.
MD: Well Thanks for Joining me Condi, as always, your either wrong or just avoiding the point. Join me next week when I interview Hilary Duff. Or a copy of the cease and desist papers she sends me, I'm still waiting on that 429th email reply.
MD: Condi, I got this excellent weed and opium from this guy in the government. You mix them and it's called the "Ayatollah" because after you smoke it you act like your the ruler of a real country. Sex is supposed to be like a George Bush poster in Iran on it: on fire.
Condi: Sure but let's go I have a meeting with the Iranian secre....wait, why is that red light still on on the camera?
MD: SHIT! MUHAMMED, WHEN I TELL YOU TO CUT, YOU TURN OFF THE FUCKING CAMERA! DON'T YOU KNOW WE ARE LIVE! I'm taking my 200 riali back. Your still rolling, why, I'm going kill your children and then (camera shuts off)
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Fake Interview With......
I have Rex Grossman as my guest this time and i am very excited to see how this interview turns out.
MD: Me SRG= Sexy Rexy Grossman
MD: Rex, what an honor to sit down with the man whos more unpredictable than a roll of the dice.
SRG: I thrive on unpredictability. The women love it. The ball may get intercepted but when I whip it in the air, that's a turn for even a loser like yourself.
MD: Hey, let's not get too personal. What do you do in your spare time off football?
SRG: Well, usually I go and review film for about 10 minutes after practice. Than me and Brad Maynard see who can "get done the quickest" into a jar. Loser buys dinner.
MD: I'm sorry done quickest in the jar? Are you implying masturbation? And if you are, who usually wins.
SRG: Yes, Merlock, I did
MD: You mean Sherlock?
SRG: No you fucking idiot the Rex meant MERLOCK. You don't think they teached me this kinda shit at Florida? Anyway, The Rex always wins vs Maynard. One time though, I threw the ball with my free hand while we were going and it just turned him on so much that, he won. That's the only time ever. The Rex is a fucking jackhammer and he always goes hard and fast.
MD: Jesus Fucking Christ. To switch topics, what is your gameplan for the upcoming game against New Orleans?
SRG: Well, first their gonna get a little dose of TJ and CB in their faces. Then the Rex is gonna throw a 85 yars touchdown pass to Berrian, with all 85 years being in the air. The Saints will need a change of pants after that, as will the cheerleaders, coaches, and the straight people in the crowd. I will also be playing Defense and when i intercept it I plan on whipping it as hard as I can into Drew Brees chest, collapsing both his lungs, and ending his career. When the game is done, I'll choke his mom while giving it to her from behind. She will orgasm more than a white woman having sex with a 7 foot tall black man. She won't walk for two weeks.
MD: Well, sir, you certainly do have a........creative mind. Are you worried about being benched?
SRG: Benched? The only people who will be benched this Sunday are the New Orleans cheerleaders after halftime. The may cheer for the Saints, but the Rex will turn them into sinners really fast.
MD: Do you think about anything but sex?
SRG: When your this good, you don't have to. The girls want the long ball and I give it to them smooth and hard. It may hurt but there is nooone better than the Rex. Nothing
MD: Well, Rex, you certainly are an interesting character. I hope to never interview you again and good luck in the game Sunday.
SRG: It's not about luck, it's first to the Rexy Sexy longball wins. But really, everyone wins with the Rex.
MD: Jesus. Alright, stayed tuned for my next guest, Condoleeza Rice. Just try and lay off the jungle fever until then.
MD: Me SRG= Sexy Rexy Grossman
MD: Rex, what an honor to sit down with the man whos more unpredictable than a roll of the dice.
SRG: I thrive on unpredictability. The women love it. The ball may get intercepted but when I whip it in the air, that's a turn for even a loser like yourself.
MD: Hey, let's not get too personal. What do you do in your spare time off football?
SRG: Well, usually I go and review film for about 10 minutes after practice. Than me and Brad Maynard see who can "get done the quickest" into a jar. Loser buys dinner.
MD: I'm sorry done quickest in the jar? Are you implying masturbation? And if you are, who usually wins.
SRG: Yes, Merlock, I did
MD: You mean Sherlock?
SRG: No you fucking idiot the Rex meant MERLOCK. You don't think they teached me this kinda shit at Florida? Anyway, The Rex always wins vs Maynard. One time though, I threw the ball with my free hand while we were going and it just turned him on so much that, he won. That's the only time ever. The Rex is a fucking jackhammer and he always goes hard and fast.
MD: Jesus Fucking Christ. To switch topics, what is your gameplan for the upcoming game against New Orleans?
SRG: Well, first their gonna get a little dose of TJ and CB in their faces. Then the Rex is gonna throw a 85 yars touchdown pass to Berrian, with all 85 years being in the air. The Saints will need a change of pants after that, as will the cheerleaders, coaches, and the straight people in the crowd. I will also be playing Defense and when i intercept it I plan on whipping it as hard as I can into Drew Brees chest, collapsing both his lungs, and ending his career. When the game is done, I'll choke his mom while giving it to her from behind. She will orgasm more than a white woman having sex with a 7 foot tall black man. She won't walk for two weeks.
MD: Well, sir, you certainly do have a........creative mind. Are you worried about being benched?
SRG: Benched? The only people who will be benched this Sunday are the New Orleans cheerleaders after halftime. The may cheer for the Saints, but the Rex will turn them into sinners really fast.
MD: Do you think about anything but sex?
SRG: When your this good, you don't have to. The girls want the long ball and I give it to them smooth and hard. It may hurt but there is nooone better than the Rex. Nothing
MD: Well, Rex, you certainly are an interesting character. I hope to never interview you again and good luck in the game Sunday.
SRG: It's not about luck, it's first to the Rexy Sexy longball wins. But really, everyone wins with the Rex.
MD: Jesus. Alright, stayed tuned for my next guest, Condoleeza Rice. Just try and lay off the jungle fever until then.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Fake Interview With......
Since I have passed one hundred viewings, I decided to create a weekly segment called Fake Interview With.... I will interview a person of my choice and respond with what they would say. However ,keeping in theme with the blog, I will do someone in politics, hollywood, or the sports world and nothing else. So here is the first installment.
FAKE INTERVIEW WITH Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
MD = ME, MA= Douchebag President of Iran
MD: Mahmoud, thank you for joining me. Let's get started. Do you or do you not believe that the Holocaust happened?
MA: Sir, I don't deny the Holocaust ever happened. I just believe the Jews exaggerate it so they can further their advances to take over the world.
MD: Wait, you think all Jews are trying to take over the world? Hmmmm. What can we do to prevent this?
MA: Well, quite simply, after our nuclear program has developed we can strike Israel and eliminate many Jews, thus making it more difficult to destroy the world. Some brothers will be sacrificed so that we all can live in a world not overrun by the Jews in power.
MD: I don't believe there is a country that has a Jewish leader. But let's move on. Do you plan to wage war with the United States? And if you do, may i say, that your fucked.
MA: We don't wish to wage war with the West, however, we will if we feel our livlihood has been threatned. The US one day will pay for it's atrocities against the Islamic people.
MD: Sir, Muhammed is a douchbag and Islam is more made up than Santa Claus.
MA: WHY HOW DARE YOU INSULT M......
(interrupts) MD: AHAHAHA, Just kidding, sir. I am considering converting actually. ALLAH AKBAR! (god is great in arabic)
MA: ALLAH AKBAR!
MD: ummmm....yeah. Anyway, what do you think about Islamic people killing in the name of Allah, e.g. suicide bombings, 9/11, etc., isn't this contradicting the peaceful aspects of your religion?
MA: Not if it's against the infidels that are trying to destroy Islam. These people are martyrs that Allah will bring into paradise. No American is innocent in the eyes of Allah.
MD: What about Islamic Americans?
MA: They are conspiring with the Islamic people's enemy. They are as wrong in the eyes of Allah as any other American.
MD: Sir, I believe that you belong in an concentration camp. That way, you can experience the Holocaust for yourself and truly see what the "INFIDELS" had to go through. No Nazi's were Islamic. Even if they killed just 500,000 jews, it's still the worst crime the world has ever seen. You think Allah puts a gene in the Jewish people that makes them want to be cheap and take over the world? Do you think that blowing up Israel, having anti-Jewish confrences, or creating more civil unrest in Iraq by giving them weapons and supplies is really what your "allah" wants? WWMD? What would Muhammed do, or better yet, what would mass destruction do?
MA: My brother, I believe that you are misguided in your questions. Allah in the Quaran denounces all infidels. The Jews have been the main infidels for centuries. We were merely examing the Holocaust and the nuclear energy we are producing is for power plants. Allah wants us to be free of the Infidels in Iraq and Israel. Muhammed would do the same. We are also having a big festival this March, to celebrate the destruction of the Jews, which should happen very soon. Iran is committed to the death of all Jews and Infidels that threaten us.
MD: Wow, you are a major douche. However, I am Jewish. I take offense to this.
MA: (speaking Arabic to his advisor)
MD: Sir, you know I only speak 15 different languages and Arabic is not one of them. I have one last question. What is your opinion on...WAIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
MA: ALLAH AKBAR ALLAH AKBAR (rips open shirt to reveal dynamite and a trigger device that would certaily kill us all)
Although we have to go off the air, what preceded to happen was an unfortunate death. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was hit in the face and killed by my assistant produced, Rex Grossman. Thank god he carries those 2 footballs around with him, because the first time he missed.
Stayed tuned for next weeks interview with none other than Sexy Rexy himself, Rex Grossman. Who knows, I may even post another current events post before then. Stay tuned and thanks for reading.
FAKE INTERVIEW WITH Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
MD = ME, MA= Douchebag President of Iran
MD: Mahmoud, thank you for joining me. Let's get started. Do you or do you not believe that the Holocaust happened?
MA: Sir, I don't deny the Holocaust ever happened. I just believe the Jews exaggerate it so they can further their advances to take over the world.
MD: Wait, you think all Jews are trying to take over the world? Hmmmm. What can we do to prevent this?
MA: Well, quite simply, after our nuclear program has developed we can strike Israel and eliminate many Jews, thus making it more difficult to destroy the world. Some brothers will be sacrificed so that we all can live in a world not overrun by the Jews in power.
MD: I don't believe there is a country that has a Jewish leader. But let's move on. Do you plan to wage war with the United States? And if you do, may i say, that your fucked.
MA: We don't wish to wage war with the West, however, we will if we feel our livlihood has been threatned. The US one day will pay for it's atrocities against the Islamic people.
MD: Sir, Muhammed is a douchbag and Islam is more made up than Santa Claus.
MA: WHY HOW DARE YOU INSULT M......
(interrupts) MD: AHAHAHA, Just kidding, sir. I am considering converting actually. ALLAH AKBAR! (god is great in arabic)
MA: ALLAH AKBAR!
MD: ummmm....yeah. Anyway, what do you think about Islamic people killing in the name of Allah, e.g. suicide bombings, 9/11, etc., isn't this contradicting the peaceful aspects of your religion?
MA: Not if it's against the infidels that are trying to destroy Islam. These people are martyrs that Allah will bring into paradise. No American is innocent in the eyes of Allah.
MD: What about Islamic Americans?
MA: They are conspiring with the Islamic people's enemy. They are as wrong in the eyes of Allah as any other American.
MD: Sir, I believe that you belong in an concentration camp. That way, you can experience the Holocaust for yourself and truly see what the "INFIDELS" had to go through. No Nazi's were Islamic. Even if they killed just 500,000 jews, it's still the worst crime the world has ever seen. You think Allah puts a gene in the Jewish people that makes them want to be cheap and take over the world? Do you think that blowing up Israel, having anti-Jewish confrences, or creating more civil unrest in Iraq by giving them weapons and supplies is really what your "allah" wants? WWMD? What would Muhammed do, or better yet, what would mass destruction do?
MA: My brother, I believe that you are misguided in your questions. Allah in the Quaran denounces all infidels. The Jews have been the main infidels for centuries. We were merely examing the Holocaust and the nuclear energy we are producing is for power plants. Allah wants us to be free of the Infidels in Iraq and Israel. Muhammed would do the same. We are also having a big festival this March, to celebrate the destruction of the Jews, which should happen very soon. Iran is committed to the death of all Jews and Infidels that threaten us.
MD: Wow, you are a major douche. However, I am Jewish. I take offense to this.
MA: (speaking Arabic to his advisor)
MD: Sir, you know I only speak 15 different languages and Arabic is not one of them. I have one last question. What is your opinion on...WAIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
MA: ALLAH AKBAR ALLAH AKBAR (rips open shirt to reveal dynamite and a trigger device that would certaily kill us all)
Although we have to go off the air, what preceded to happen was an unfortunate death. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was hit in the face and killed by my assistant produced, Rex Grossman. Thank god he carries those 2 footballs around with him, because the first time he missed.
Stayed tuned for next weeks interview with none other than Sexy Rexy himself, Rex Grossman. Who knows, I may even post another current events post before then. Stay tuned and thanks for reading.
Monday, January 8, 2007
Dolans WORST of 2006
I still can't get over how bad 2006 was for movies, politics, war, sports, and my grades. But anyway here is my list of the WORST of the WORST of the year the was. 2007 will be much better, i presume.
WORST MOVIE/ACTOR/DIRECTOR
(Tie) Da Vinci Code/Tom Hanks/Ron Howard and Lady in the Water/M.Night Shamalyan(spelling, blah)/M. Night Shamalyan
Rarely can a movie pull off a trifecta of the sorts, but The Da Vinci Code and The Lady in the Water made me ashamed of myself for sitting through these piles of crap. I am not exaggerating when I say this was the worst acting performence of Tom Hanks' career. He was terribly miscasted. Ron Howard's dumbed down directing makes me believe that ginger (red hair, freckles) people are evil. As to Lady in the Water, FUCK YOU. Shamalyan hasn't made a good movie since Signs and even that was supbar. Ok, I'm done ranting about movies
WORST SPORTING CHAMPION
Nominees:
Univ. of Florida (basketball)
Miami Heat (basketball)
Pittsburg Steelers (football)
ST. Louis Cardinals (Baseball)
Italy (World Cup)
Again, the worst year in sports in quite a while. Look at that list. Unless your Italian, you have to agree that these champions were forgetful and dull. They produced little excitement at all. Everyone wanted George Mason over Florida and Florida had to ruin it. The Heat weren't very fun to watch minus Wade. The STEELERS?!? The Cardinals playoff run was, how do you say, painful to watch both mentally and physically. Italy's championship was exciting, but I was pulling for Ghana (watch out 2010 when they have Freddy Adu), so sue me.
The winner: Nobody, we all lose here.
WORST POLITICAL DECISION
Russian's killing the spy
Yeah, your still a ruthless communist country hidden behind the mask of the democratic label. Putin is a fucker. He killed that spy (name escapes me) and is going to get away with it. Maybe I'm just pissed off here.
Oh, and our country is getting womanized (see Nancy Pelosi and Hilary Clinton)
WORST TEACHER EVER
Back to back champion Sylvia Ojutu-Macauley. AHHHHHHH GO BACK TO SIERRA LEONE!
WORST PROTEST OF THE YEAR
Illegal immagrants taking off work to rally for rights
How did the INS miss this one? The people protest not being able to get better jobs by taking off work. GENIUS!
WORST EXCUSE OF THE YEAR
"I'm an alcoholic"
Mel Gibson, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard. and Ralph Arza. Jeez, it's so easy to blame alcohol. I should have told my parents this after I got on academic prohbation.
Thanks for reading again. I'll be back for my next column dealing with God's existence. Stay tuned!
WORST MOVIE/ACTOR/DIRECTOR
(Tie) Da Vinci Code/Tom Hanks/Ron Howard and Lady in the Water/M.Night Shamalyan(spelling, blah)/M. Night Shamalyan
Rarely can a movie pull off a trifecta of the sorts, but The Da Vinci Code and The Lady in the Water made me ashamed of myself for sitting through these piles of crap. I am not exaggerating when I say this was the worst acting performence of Tom Hanks' career. He was terribly miscasted. Ron Howard's dumbed down directing makes me believe that ginger (red hair, freckles) people are evil. As to Lady in the Water, FUCK YOU. Shamalyan hasn't made a good movie since Signs and even that was supbar. Ok, I'm done ranting about movies
WORST SPORTING CHAMPION
Nominees:
Univ. of Florida (basketball)
Miami Heat (basketball)
Pittsburg Steelers (football)
ST. Louis Cardinals (Baseball)
Italy (World Cup)
Again, the worst year in sports in quite a while. Look at that list. Unless your Italian, you have to agree that these champions were forgetful and dull. They produced little excitement at all. Everyone wanted George Mason over Florida and Florida had to ruin it. The Heat weren't very fun to watch minus Wade. The STEELERS?!? The Cardinals playoff run was, how do you say, painful to watch both mentally and physically. Italy's championship was exciting, but I was pulling for Ghana (watch out 2010 when they have Freddy Adu), so sue me.
The winner: Nobody, we all lose here.
WORST POLITICAL DECISION
Russian's killing the spy
Yeah, your still a ruthless communist country hidden behind the mask of the democratic label. Putin is a fucker. He killed that spy (name escapes me) and is going to get away with it. Maybe I'm just pissed off here.
Oh, and our country is getting womanized (see Nancy Pelosi and Hilary Clinton)
WORST TEACHER EVER
Back to back champion Sylvia Ojutu-Macauley. AHHHHHHH GO BACK TO SIERRA LEONE!
WORST PROTEST OF THE YEAR
Illegal immagrants taking off work to rally for rights
How did the INS miss this one? The people protest not being able to get better jobs by taking off work. GENIUS!
WORST EXCUSE OF THE YEAR
"I'm an alcoholic"
Mel Gibson, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard. and Ralph Arza. Jeez, it's so easy to blame alcohol. I should have told my parents this after I got on academic prohbation.
Thanks for reading again. I'll be back for my next column dealing with God's existence. Stay tuned!
Thursday, January 4, 2007
UPDATED OSCAR PICKS
In my first post of 2007, I will give you the updated and more in depth oscar analysis that you have been craving for. However, I will also not expect anyone to watch the Oscars as I am revealing the winners early:
BEST PICTURE
Winner: The Departed
It's a weak season and this seems to be the only movie that has critical as well as commercial success. Scorsee is back and in full force in this one
The Runners Up (in order):
Letters From Iwo Jima
Dreamgirls
The Queen
Little Miss Sunshine
BEST DIRECTOR
Winner: Martin Scorsee, The Departed
The guy deserves it and he certainly has a winner with The Departed. The Academy has snubbed him many times without a win and I'd bet my college fund on this win.
Runners Up (in order):
Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima
Paul Greengrass, United 93
Guillermo Del Toro, Pan's Labyrnith
Alfonso Cuaron, Children of Men
BEST ACTOR
Winner: Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland
Whitaker's performence was the best of the year. Simply remarkable. Leo may have a little chance but Whitaker performence would just be way too hard to ignore. He's gotta win.
Runners Up (in order):
Leo Dicaprio, The Departed
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole, Venus
Sacha Baron Cohen, Borat
BEST ACTRESS
Winner: Hellen Mirren, The Queen
Over, done, and finished. Supposedly the performence of the year with tons of buzz around it. This is the easiest prediction and a LOCK bigtime.
Runners Up (in order):
Kate Winslet, Little Children
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Meryl Streep, Devil Wears Prada
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Winner: Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
That's right, here's my upset. This category is up for grabs and I think the Academy will snub Nicholson because he doesn't really need it. I really have no rationale for this pick
Runners Up (in order):
Jack Nicholson, The Departed
Brad Pitt, Babel
James Cromwell, The Queen
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Winner: Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
I hear she's really good and no other performence comes close in this category. The former American Idol loser wins an Oscar. Wow, what a country we live in.
Runners Up (in order):
Rinko Kulchi, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Vanessa Redgrave, Venus
BEST ADAPTED/ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Winner, Adapted Screenplay: The Departed
Runners Up (in order): Dreamgirls, The Last King of Scotland, Little Children, Notes on a Scandal
Winner, Original Screenplay: United 93
Runners Up (in order): The Queen, Little Miss Sunshine, Babel, Volver
Best Animated Feature
Winner: Happy Feet. (yuck, by the way)
Runners Up: Cars, Monster House
Best Documentary
Winner: An Inconvienent Truth (Al Gore's propaganda film)
Runners Up: Shut up and Sing, Deliver Us from Evil
Best Foreign Film
Winner: Pan's Labrynith (Mexico)
Runners Up: Volver (Spain), The Lives of Others (Germany)
There you have it. These are the winners of the 2007 Academy Awards but we are all winners when we read DOLAN'S POONINGS. It really is the most important and informative blog on the net. Ahhh, check back tommorow for my Updated Playoff Predictions. And your requests for a topic I could do a list on, would be delicious.
BEST PICTURE
Winner: The Departed
It's a weak season and this seems to be the only movie that has critical as well as commercial success. Scorsee is back and in full force in this one
The Runners Up (in order):
Letters From Iwo Jima
Dreamgirls
The Queen
Little Miss Sunshine
BEST DIRECTOR
Winner: Martin Scorsee, The Departed
The guy deserves it and he certainly has a winner with The Departed. The Academy has snubbed him many times without a win and I'd bet my college fund on this win.
Runners Up (in order):
Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima
Paul Greengrass, United 93
Guillermo Del Toro, Pan's Labyrnith
Alfonso Cuaron, Children of Men
BEST ACTOR
Winner: Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland
Whitaker's performence was the best of the year. Simply remarkable. Leo may have a little chance but Whitaker performence would just be way too hard to ignore. He's gotta win.
Runners Up (in order):
Leo Dicaprio, The Departed
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole, Venus
Sacha Baron Cohen, Borat
BEST ACTRESS
Winner: Hellen Mirren, The Queen
Over, done, and finished. Supposedly the performence of the year with tons of buzz around it. This is the easiest prediction and a LOCK bigtime.
Runners Up (in order):
Kate Winslet, Little Children
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Meryl Streep, Devil Wears Prada
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Winner: Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
That's right, here's my upset. This category is up for grabs and I think the Academy will snub Nicholson because he doesn't really need it. I really have no rationale for this pick
Runners Up (in order):
Jack Nicholson, The Departed
Brad Pitt, Babel
James Cromwell, The Queen
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Winner: Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
I hear she's really good and no other performence comes close in this category. The former American Idol loser wins an Oscar. Wow, what a country we live in.
Runners Up (in order):
Rinko Kulchi, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Vanessa Redgrave, Venus
BEST ADAPTED/ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Winner, Adapted Screenplay: The Departed
Runners Up (in order): Dreamgirls, The Last King of Scotland, Little Children, Notes on a Scandal
Winner, Original Screenplay: United 93
Runners Up (in order): The Queen, Little Miss Sunshine, Babel, Volver
Best Animated Feature
Winner: Happy Feet. (yuck, by the way)
Runners Up: Cars, Monster House
Best Documentary
Winner: An Inconvienent Truth (Al Gore's propaganda film)
Runners Up: Shut up and Sing, Deliver Us from Evil
Best Foreign Film
Winner: Pan's Labrynith (Mexico)
Runners Up: Volver (Spain), The Lives of Others (Germany)
There you have it. These are the winners of the 2007 Academy Awards but we are all winners when we read DOLAN'S POONINGS. It really is the most important and informative blog on the net. Ahhh, check back tommorow for my Updated Playoff Predictions. And your requests for a topic I could do a list on, would be delicious.
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