Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats, welcome to another great edition of the blog. Today, I continue my Drunk Real-Time Michael Bay series. This time we'll be watching Bad Boys 2. I really need to thank Mikey Bay for making his two worst movies in a row. Also, why are his movies sooooo long? I don't know. Let's get drunk and watch Bad Boys II, shall we?
00:00:00: Today I will be drinking vodka tonics during my reviewing. Why the change? I heard about a scurvy outbreak and I hear tonic prevents you from getting that. Hooray.
00:00:33: We begin in an ecstasy lab in Amsterdam. So far...sooooooooo good.
00:02:04: Dropping coffins full of heroin in the water.
00:03:05: Sean "P Diddy" Combs as a Music Consultant. That's how you know a movie's gonna be good.
00:05:45: Nothing like a KKK rally to introduce your two main black characters.
00:08:39: Wow, what a bad 3 minute action sequence that was there basically for Martin and Will to hear themselves talk.
00:10:18: Marty got shot in the ass. Now he knows how I feel.
00:11:29: Bad guy meeting. By bad, I mean bad actors, bad characters, and BAD BOYS!
00:13:18: Montage of Will and Martin in various therapy sessions. Wait, am I watching the right movie?
00:15:22: Michael from Lost playing a Jamaican? At least he's not screaming about his kid.
00:17:59: Will wants to bang Marty's sister. Whoa wait. They already are banging. Good for those kiddies.
00:22:33: MGD logo all over the place. No shameless promotion or anything.
00:24:24: Quick cuts of money going through a machine. Oh, Russians. If they were smart, they'd deal in euro's.
00:25:34: Rastafarian gang. Now we're getting somewhere. (Jamaica?)
00:27:11: "Muscle car...3 black occupants." Criminals?
00:28:38: Martin Lawrence wearing a Vick jersey. Wonder if he's in on the dog thing.
00:30:00: Just a whole bunch of black guys driving and shooting at each other. Points for realism.
00:32:03: What's all the Rasta violence, mon? I thought you be peaceful!
00:33:39: Ever wonder what happens to the innocent people that get in accidents because of car chases? Seems unfair, that's really gonna hurt their insurance premiums.
00:35:11: Cars are getting thrown at Will and Martin in a Ferrari. I mean.....that's cool I guess.
00:38:18: Martin is telling his mom on his sister/girl Will's banging.
00:40:39: 22 cars and a boat totaled. But that's not grounds for firing, suspension, or even a slap on the wrist. Or butt, for that matter.
00:44:09: Villain has rats eating his money. Reasonable response? Shooting at them.
00:46:30: Talking about Will's mom's titties. You know a movies bad when you lose my attention when you're talking about boobs.
00:47:54: Dancing and breaking stuff. No joke.
00:48:58: Some actor playing a Rastafarian who is speaking with a Korean or Thai accent. Always get those confused.
00:52:15: Martin apologizing to some guy who was just shooting at him. Must be a black thing.
00:$4:34: Porn on at Circuit City. Maybe if they really did that, people would actually go there instead of Best Buy.
00:57:00: Not sure, but I think I just listened to a 2 minute conversation about Matin Lawrence not being able to get a boner. Hopefully, I'm hallucinatiing.
00:58:02: NBA "legend" John Sally is a computer analyst in this movie. Commence killing self in 3, 2, 1.....
01:00:01: Martin and Will as scary exterminators. Not as scary as real exterminators, but still. A little scary.
01:04:32: Cuban killed the Russians friend. PORQUE?!?
01:06:59: Will found a finger. Severed, but probably still useful.
01:16:58: Disk skipped a little but no worries. There's still over an hour of drunk torture porn left.
01:19:10: Martin finds out Will's banging his sister. Martin looks like Kyle Orton while he's scrambling.
01:22:20: Will, Martin, and a hick spying on dirty Cuban villains. Michael Bay cameo. Dan Marino cameo. So irrelevant, it's like the Cubs season.
01:24:45: Another chase, another cut every 2 seconds. Dizzy Mike Dolan, reporting live.
01:25:38: Disc is skipping again. Which makes me sad, because I really wanted to see the 5th chase scene.
01:28:23: Now there's a chase on foot. I feel like we're digressing.
01:28:42: Pepsi truck rolls by. At least be subtle or creative about your obvious promoting. It's like "Hey, look at me, I'm a Pepsi truck!"
01:29:46: Will and some Cuban fighting on a monorail. Yes, cinema's first monorail fight. Groundbreaking.
01:31:13: They were dead before we ran over them. I bet police chiefs LOVE hearing that line. I, on the other hand, do not.
01:32:56: Marty and Will forgot they left the hick in the trunk. Seems humane.
01:33:36: Marty breaks up with Will.
01:34:54: Will's looking at yearbook photos. Seems normal for an action movie.
01:36:19: Will and Marty are berating a 15-year old trying to take out Marty's daughter. This isn't funny. This is highly disturbing and totally mean as fuck. But they laguh after.
01:38:22: Cubans breaking into some place to steal some thing. Importance of it is debatable.
01:40:02: Will and Marty in a mortuary. I must have missed the transition to retarded town.
01:41:15: Nothing hotter than a dead chick's big titties. Except everything and it's sister.
01:43:02: Will finds drugs in a bad guys chest. Marty accidently takes 2 tabs of X. Ever seen a black guy on X? Trust me, you don't want to.
01:45:30: When Will Smith tells you to crash an ambulance into the mortuary, you crash that ambulance into a mortuary.
01:46:08: The X is kickin' in for Marty and hear we go with epic matchup with retardedness. Batting: Marty Lawrence. Pitching: Ecstacy.
01:46:39: This isn't not gay shit, it's man shit. Strike 1.
01:48:11: Feeling Buddha's boobs. Strike 2.
01:49:48: I love it when you call me bunny love. Strike 3. Swinging.
01:50:40: Marty's got an erection. That's just peaches and cream, ain't it?
01:53:04: Russian is drunk and about to exact revenge. He introduces himself as the Russian Grim Reaper. Hello, idea for a sitcom.
01:55:34: Cuts and music cuts and music cuts and music. I have no idea what's happening because all there is is cuts and music cuts and music.
01:56:47: Swat guy with epic facial hair. I mean, more epic than a lumberjack.
01:57:22: Shit just got real. Actually, shit has always been real. It's been coming out of our butts since the beginning of time.
01:58:39: A little hearty-to-hearty with Will and Marty. Since Marty's sister was just kidnapped, you have to end the convo with "Bad Boys for Life." Hey! I love dialogue with the movie's title in it!
02:00:25: Secret plan to do some illegal rescue mission that seemingly EVERYONE is ok with. Well....I'm not. Sorry Marty, you're sister isn't worth free Cuban cigars.
02:02:25: Motherfucker villain has a badass mansion. One of the 3 in Cuba.
02:03:41: Cuban doesn't like the Last Supper painting on his wall. I don't either. I always thought Jesus was a bit pretentious.
02:05:01: Cuban hookers are hotter than real hookers.
02:06:08: Epic facial hair is about to CAP some communists.
02:07:10: Bomb disgusisd in a remote control car, RPG the house via facial hair, and jumping out of coffins with machine guns. Welcome to my nightmare.
02:08:13: Old lady with a shotgun. Imagine what your grandma would look like with one, then multiply the stupidity by 30.
02:09:44: So much death and guns, I feel like I'm in a Eli Roth movie.
02:10:40: Marty's sister is rescued but now the hard part. They have to resort to Plan B. Is this really the time to be talking about birth control?
02:12:26: Cubans can't shoot RPG's very good. They do, however, make decent ethnic food.
02:13:40: Car chase numero 28. Color me exploded with surprise.
02:14:21: We have moved on to Plan C, which looks like it's either anal or blowing your load too early.
02:15:38: Marty and Will about to crash into Guantanamo Bay. Me thinks this could be lamer than Daddy Day Care.
02:17:21: Now they're standing on a live mine field. Which is used for some moronic death scene, which hopefully will end the movie.
02:18:31: Lessons in going over-the-top: Main Villains body blowing up AFTER he's dead.
02:19:19: I generally don't like rap, but Nelly is a solid negro.
02:20:00: End of movie with Will and Marty talking in a pool. Presumably, it's filled with their bullshit.
Another episode in near-death experience. With only three Michael Bay movies left, I can't wait for this segment to end and be gone forever. But I do it for you, the readers who continually get the view count up 3 or 4 points a day. I salute you, sirs and madams. Until next time, which will probably be the mailbag, I bid you adieu and adios.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
An Ode to Absinthe
If you've never tasted Absinthe, you have missed out on an important step in the feats of alcoholics everywhere. Purveyor of boozing that I am, of course I have tried it. And I've made others try it. This is my ode to absinthe. I forget what an ode actually is, so it'll basically be just a regular blog thing. But whatever, let's get started.
Who drank Absinthe?
PIcasso, Oscar Wilde, Ernest Hemingway, Monet, Van Gough, Tucker Max, and Marilyn Manson. Also, millions of people that are unimportant.
What does Absinthe taste like?
As you may know, absinthe is green. And to be honest, it taste a little green. Straight up, absinthe is harsh, depending it's Proof. It tastes awful. Which is why, traditionally, absinthe is mixed with sugar and fire. Drink it like that and it's basically candy in a bottle. But otherwise its alien piss with booze in it.
What makes Absinthe so different?
Have you ever done cocaine? Speed? X? (Not meth, that's a little much) Basically it's like dropping one of those drugs into a regular booze. While most alcohols eventually wear you out and make you tired, absinthe acts as a stimulant. It amps you up, gets up going. More so, even, than regular booze. Why? Who cares? It feels really, really good.
Does Absinthe really make you hallucinate?
Yes and no. No, you will not be seeing a two headed giraffe roaming the street and eating stray dogs. It won't make you hallucinate like shrooms, acid, or LCD. That is a common mistake. People take absinthe thinking they're gonna see God. It's not gonna happen. If you drink enough of it, it causes what I call a "lucid drunkenness." What do I mean by that? Well, I mean it's more of a clear-headed, euphoric drunk. Sorta like if heroin was an upper and not nearly as bad for you. Mind altering? Yes. Hallucinogenic? Not quite.
Is Absinthe illegal in the U.S.?
Again, yes and no. Technically, you can go to the store and buy absinthe in America. This is misleading, however. Properly made, absinthe contains an ingredient called "thujone" which causes all the goody side effects that make absinthe so different. American absinthe contains almost none of this. So its basically just regular alcohol that taste like alien urine. So don't buy it. However, if you ever go overseas, it is legal almost everywhere else in the Western world. Europe especially.
Where is Absinthe illegal?
Only a few Middle Eastern countries, where all alcohol is banned, Vanatua, a small South Pacific island nation, and possibly North Korea, but nobody knows if anything is legal there.
So I won't hallucinate, it tastes like shit, and is expensive? Why should I try it then?
I don't know. Why does every guy want to at least try anal sex, even though it's worse? It's the aura and mystique of the whole thing. Why should you do anything? Basically, you'll never know how it really feels until you try it. Taste is all relative. Not much booze tastes that "good" by itself. When something has been hyped as much as drinking absinthe is, it's bound to be a let down. But that doesn't mean its bad.
What have been your experiences with Absinthe?
Looking back on it, it's not that much different than having a Red Bull and Vodka. Except absinthe is usually drank without mixers, except for sugar. I've drank it three times. Once in Amsterdam, once in Greece, and once pregaming at my buddy's college. Amsterdam, I was already messed up when I took it, so who really knows if I felt different. While pregaming with my buddy was a pretty amped up effect, as you could easily tell the difference between just normal alcohol. In Greece is where I felt its most profound effects, since I drank just the right amount to be drunk without drinking anything else and feeling completely euphoric. It felt like I was walking on air going down the street. I guess its just like any drug: the right time, place, and amount and you'll get the best out of it.
Does Absinthe make you hornier than other alcohol/drugs?
Just like any substance/drug that makes you feel good, it's gonna make you really horny. I couldn't tell, but maybe because I really had no chance to get laid whenever I drank it. Any booze that reacts with a stimulant is going to make you that much more horny, so yeah it'll make you much hornier than any regular booze.
What are some clever drinks I can make with Absinthe?
-The Absinthe Suissesse (claimed to be a cure-all for hangovers): 1 whole egg, 1 1/4 ounces absinthe, and 1/2 ounce amaretto
-Cugat Congo: 3/4 ounce Bacardi, 1/4 ounce grenadine, 1/2 ounce lime juice, dash of absinthe
-Le Demon Vert: 1 1/2 ounce gin, 1/2 ounce absinthe, 1/2 lime juice, 1/2 ounce falernum syrup
-Mirage Cocktail: 1 1/4 ounces absinthe, 3/4 ounce chocolate liquer, 1/2 ounce sweet syrup
-Absinthe Julep: Sugar at bottom of glass, add shaved ice, pour in 1 oz absinthe, stir, add 1 oz tonic water/carbonated water, and stir until cloudy.
Well there it is. I hope you are more well-acquainted with absinthe. Run away, I must, so I'll leave you by bidding you adieu and ciao.
Who drank Absinthe?
PIcasso, Oscar Wilde, Ernest Hemingway, Monet, Van Gough, Tucker Max, and Marilyn Manson. Also, millions of people that are unimportant.
What does Absinthe taste like?
As you may know, absinthe is green. And to be honest, it taste a little green. Straight up, absinthe is harsh, depending it's Proof. It tastes awful. Which is why, traditionally, absinthe is mixed with sugar and fire. Drink it like that and it's basically candy in a bottle. But otherwise its alien piss with booze in it.
What makes Absinthe so different?
Have you ever done cocaine? Speed? X? (Not meth, that's a little much) Basically it's like dropping one of those drugs into a regular booze. While most alcohols eventually wear you out and make you tired, absinthe acts as a stimulant. It amps you up, gets up going. More so, even, than regular booze. Why? Who cares? It feels really, really good.
Does Absinthe really make you hallucinate?
Yes and no. No, you will not be seeing a two headed giraffe roaming the street and eating stray dogs. It won't make you hallucinate like shrooms, acid, or LCD. That is a common mistake. People take absinthe thinking they're gonna see God. It's not gonna happen. If you drink enough of it, it causes what I call a "lucid drunkenness." What do I mean by that? Well, I mean it's more of a clear-headed, euphoric drunk. Sorta like if heroin was an upper and not nearly as bad for you. Mind altering? Yes. Hallucinogenic? Not quite.
Is Absinthe illegal in the U.S.?
Again, yes and no. Technically, you can go to the store and buy absinthe in America. This is misleading, however. Properly made, absinthe contains an ingredient called "thujone" which causes all the goody side effects that make absinthe so different. American absinthe contains almost none of this. So its basically just regular alcohol that taste like alien urine. So don't buy it. However, if you ever go overseas, it is legal almost everywhere else in the Western world. Europe especially.
Where is Absinthe illegal?
Only a few Middle Eastern countries, where all alcohol is banned, Vanatua, a small South Pacific island nation, and possibly North Korea, but nobody knows if anything is legal there.
So I won't hallucinate, it tastes like shit, and is expensive? Why should I try it then?
I don't know. Why does every guy want to at least try anal sex, even though it's worse? It's the aura and mystique of the whole thing. Why should you do anything? Basically, you'll never know how it really feels until you try it. Taste is all relative. Not much booze tastes that "good" by itself. When something has been hyped as much as drinking absinthe is, it's bound to be a let down. But that doesn't mean its bad.
What have been your experiences with Absinthe?
Looking back on it, it's not that much different than having a Red Bull and Vodka. Except absinthe is usually drank without mixers, except for sugar. I've drank it three times. Once in Amsterdam, once in Greece, and once pregaming at my buddy's college. Amsterdam, I was already messed up when I took it, so who really knows if I felt different. While pregaming with my buddy was a pretty amped up effect, as you could easily tell the difference between just normal alcohol. In Greece is where I felt its most profound effects, since I drank just the right amount to be drunk without drinking anything else and feeling completely euphoric. It felt like I was walking on air going down the street. I guess its just like any drug: the right time, place, and amount and you'll get the best out of it.
Does Absinthe make you hornier than other alcohol/drugs?
Just like any substance/drug that makes you feel good, it's gonna make you really horny. I couldn't tell, but maybe because I really had no chance to get laid whenever I drank it. Any booze that reacts with a stimulant is going to make you that much more horny, so yeah it'll make you much hornier than any regular booze.
What are some clever drinks I can make with Absinthe?
-The Absinthe Suissesse (claimed to be a cure-all for hangovers): 1 whole egg, 1 1/4 ounces absinthe, and 1/2 ounce amaretto
-Cugat Congo: 3/4 ounce Bacardi, 1/4 ounce grenadine, 1/2 ounce lime juice, dash of absinthe
-Le Demon Vert: 1 1/2 ounce gin, 1/2 ounce absinthe, 1/2 lime juice, 1/2 ounce falernum syrup
-Mirage Cocktail: 1 1/4 ounces absinthe, 3/4 ounce chocolate liquer, 1/2 ounce sweet syrup
-Absinthe Julep: Sugar at bottom of glass, add shaved ice, pour in 1 oz absinthe, stir, add 1 oz tonic water/carbonated water, and stir until cloudy.
Well there it is. I hope you are more well-acquainted with absinthe. Run away, I must, so I'll leave you by bidding you adieu and ciao.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Drunken Thoughts On Cubs Baseball
Hey there readers and lovers, how have you been? Hungover? Buzzed? Either way I'm here to either be your Tylenol or your fourth Margarita. The blog really is just that stimulating. So what's the topic today? I don't really feel like writing about anything too boozy at the moment and the Cubs have been pissing me off so much lately, I just need to get my anger out. So I'm going to bring up a few points I think are interesting or pathetic or whatever. So here's a broken Cubs fan's drunken view of an extremely disappointing season.
Lou Piniella? Not a Good Manager, Actually.
I've let Lou off the hook before for his managing, only because the team has been so good. But this year, I've had enough. It shouldn't have taken this long to remove Kevin Gregg from the closers spot. It doesn't take a genius to see that Marmol is not the answer either. (Angel Guzman is the best Cubs reliever.) It only took 2 and 1/2 years to get Soriano out of the leadoff spot. Jake Fox, Aramis Ramirez have both had hot streaks thwarted by a baffling benching. The Cubs are clearly a better team with Kosuke in the leadoff spot, but where is he? Down in the lineup, of course. Hit and Runs? Stolen Bases? Squeezes? Non-existent on a Piniella managed team.
Oh Carlos, Where Have Ye Gone?
Zambrano or Marmol for that matter. Marmol's control has gone AWOL and has gone from the best reliever in baseball to a hit-or-miss option. He's set to become the first reliever in Major League history to lead the league in hit batsmen. His loss of control and dominance has almost been like a Mark Prior transformation. And Zambrano? Big Z's walk total has risen to a disgusting level. One can't hate him with his high enthusiasm, but even he admitted to half-assing workouts while on the DL.
We Got Three Used Ferrari's in the Outfield, If You Want 'Em
Soriano, Bradley, Fukudome. Total Salary in 2009: $36,500,000. Total HR's: 37. A million per homer. Soriano's sinking lower and lower into obscurity, closing in on having the worst contract in Major League Baseball. Obviously trading Mark DeRosa and replacing him with Bradley has turned out to be a huge mistake, since Bradley either gets walked or grounds out. Unfortunately, this is going to be the outfield for the next two years. Fukudome has had a better season but is certainly not a true CF. The good play of Jake Fox and Sam Fuld should be enough to stick at least Soriano on the bench but pressure to reap the rewards of their terrible rewards from management probably leaves Piniella no choice but to play the dud in LF every damn day.
The Walk and The DL
The Cubs pitching has not been bad. In fact, it's been pretty good. With the emergence of Randy Wells, the consistence of Ted Lilly, the OK performance from Z, the staff has been relatively good. But the amount of walks this staff has added up just gives them little to no chance. Marmol leads all relievers in walks. Dempster, Harden, and Zambrano all have less than 2:1 Strikeout to Walk Ratio's, when that's what has made them so effective in the past. But, along with the free passes, the true excuse for the season will be the DL. Ted Lilly, Zambrano, Dempster, Harden, Aramis, Soto, and Soriano have all spent extended time out of the lineup. Is that an excuse? Hell no. A team that was picked to win 100 games and glide through the NL Central might struggle to finish .500 at this point. Good teams find ways to rise above their injuries. The Cubs have used it as an excuse rather than a rallying point.
2010 Improvements:
Obviously, if the Cubs go on a hot streak they still have a slim chance. And nobody would like that more than me, but as of now, I'll just go over how the team can be improved for next year:
-Rid yourself of Lou Piniella and Jim Hendry. Hendry has traded away our entire farm system for scrap metal and Piniella looks like he wants to get the hell out of there every game.
-Hire Ryan Sandberg or Bob Brenly. Listen, you need a change of pace. Sandberg would have immediate respect and could be a Joe Girardi like revelation. If not, Brenly knows the organization well and has a World Series ring on his finger.
-Get a 2nd Basemen. Mike Fontenot has sucked the proverbial dick. Andres Blanco, Jeff Baker have filled in alright, but they are NOT everyday 2nd basemen. Do what you have to do, but get someone that can hit.
-Get Soriano and Soto in Winter Ball. These two have lost all confidence in their swing. Get them playing where they can be successful so their confidence rises and they can hopefully return to their usual selfs at the plate.
-Overhaul the pen--again. If Kevin Gregg returns at all, I'd be supremely shocked. Keep guys like Grabow, Guzman, and Marmol, but try and acquire some decent middle relievers to back them up. Try and bring back Neal Cotts and I will murder you.
-New Pitching/Hitting Coach. Rothschild has had his day. It's time to bring in someone who can teach these pitchers to throw strikes. As for hitting, I don't know what to say. Someone needs to bring back the patience and power that was so prolific in 2008.
-Finish the Damn Sale. The team needs to know what it can accomplish this offseason and that won't happen unless the sale is completed. So get that shit done.
There you have it. I'm not too optimistic about the future of this team but I guess you never know. If I were one of my fellow Cubs fans though, I would not be optimistic about the future. Anyways, I'm Mike Dolan saying........goodbye.
Lou Piniella? Not a Good Manager, Actually.
I've let Lou off the hook before for his managing, only because the team has been so good. But this year, I've had enough. It shouldn't have taken this long to remove Kevin Gregg from the closers spot. It doesn't take a genius to see that Marmol is not the answer either. (Angel Guzman is the best Cubs reliever.) It only took 2 and 1/2 years to get Soriano out of the leadoff spot. Jake Fox, Aramis Ramirez have both had hot streaks thwarted by a baffling benching. The Cubs are clearly a better team with Kosuke in the leadoff spot, but where is he? Down in the lineup, of course. Hit and Runs? Stolen Bases? Squeezes? Non-existent on a Piniella managed team.
Oh Carlos, Where Have Ye Gone?
Zambrano or Marmol for that matter. Marmol's control has gone AWOL and has gone from the best reliever in baseball to a hit-or-miss option. He's set to become the first reliever in Major League history to lead the league in hit batsmen. His loss of control and dominance has almost been like a Mark Prior transformation. And Zambrano? Big Z's walk total has risen to a disgusting level. One can't hate him with his high enthusiasm, but even he admitted to half-assing workouts while on the DL.
We Got Three Used Ferrari's in the Outfield, If You Want 'Em
Soriano, Bradley, Fukudome. Total Salary in 2009: $36,500,000. Total HR's: 37. A million per homer. Soriano's sinking lower and lower into obscurity, closing in on having the worst contract in Major League Baseball. Obviously trading Mark DeRosa and replacing him with Bradley has turned out to be a huge mistake, since Bradley either gets walked or grounds out. Unfortunately, this is going to be the outfield for the next two years. Fukudome has had a better season but is certainly not a true CF. The good play of Jake Fox and Sam Fuld should be enough to stick at least Soriano on the bench but pressure to reap the rewards of their terrible rewards from management probably leaves Piniella no choice but to play the dud in LF every damn day.
The Walk and The DL
The Cubs pitching has not been bad. In fact, it's been pretty good. With the emergence of Randy Wells, the consistence of Ted Lilly, the OK performance from Z, the staff has been relatively good. But the amount of walks this staff has added up just gives them little to no chance. Marmol leads all relievers in walks. Dempster, Harden, and Zambrano all have less than 2:1 Strikeout to Walk Ratio's, when that's what has made them so effective in the past. But, along with the free passes, the true excuse for the season will be the DL. Ted Lilly, Zambrano, Dempster, Harden, Aramis, Soto, and Soriano have all spent extended time out of the lineup. Is that an excuse? Hell no. A team that was picked to win 100 games and glide through the NL Central might struggle to finish .500 at this point. Good teams find ways to rise above their injuries. The Cubs have used it as an excuse rather than a rallying point.
2010 Improvements:
Obviously, if the Cubs go on a hot streak they still have a slim chance. And nobody would like that more than me, but as of now, I'll just go over how the team can be improved for next year:
-Rid yourself of Lou Piniella and Jim Hendry. Hendry has traded away our entire farm system for scrap metal and Piniella looks like he wants to get the hell out of there every game.
-Hire Ryan Sandberg or Bob Brenly. Listen, you need a change of pace. Sandberg would have immediate respect and could be a Joe Girardi like revelation. If not, Brenly knows the organization well and has a World Series ring on his finger.
-Get a 2nd Basemen. Mike Fontenot has sucked the proverbial dick. Andres Blanco, Jeff Baker have filled in alright, but they are NOT everyday 2nd basemen. Do what you have to do, but get someone that can hit.
-Get Soriano and Soto in Winter Ball. These two have lost all confidence in their swing. Get them playing where they can be successful so their confidence rises and they can hopefully return to their usual selfs at the plate.
-Overhaul the pen--again. If Kevin Gregg returns at all, I'd be supremely shocked. Keep guys like Grabow, Guzman, and Marmol, but try and acquire some decent middle relievers to back them up. Try and bring back Neal Cotts and I will murder you.
-New Pitching/Hitting Coach. Rothschild has had his day. It's time to bring in someone who can teach these pitchers to throw strikes. As for hitting, I don't know what to say. Someone needs to bring back the patience and power that was so prolific in 2008.
-Finish the Damn Sale. The team needs to know what it can accomplish this offseason and that won't happen unless the sale is completed. So get that shit done.
There you have it. I'm not too optimistic about the future of this team but I guess you never know. If I were one of my fellow Cubs fans though, I would not be optimistic about the future. Anyways, I'm Mike Dolan saying........goodbye.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Drinking Rules: 50-1
Back to complete the 100 rules of drinking. Introductions, you are overrated.
50. There are no "wrong" songs to dance to as long as you're drinking.
49. Try new drinks as much as you can, but always have a go to.
48. No matter how drunk you are, don't use any racial slurs. They will get you mauled.
47. Outdoor sex is advisable.
46. Thou will not waste any booze above well in a mixed drink. The stuff was meant to be tasted.
45. Never, ever turn down a shot from a girl. Ever.
44. Don't be the guy who gets too drunk and makes everyone leave early.
43. If your hosting a party, you can't act that surprised if your house gets destroyed.
42. BYOB= Bum Yours Off Bobby
41. Anyone with two or more drinks gets the right of way.
40. Drink whiskey and/or tequila all night, and they might as well put out an arrest warrant for you
39. There's no better way to get to know someone else's culture than by drinking it.
38. There is definitely sex in the champagne room. It just costs extra.
37. Straws are for women and Mind Erasers.
36. You got a high drinking tolerance? Prove it.
35. Yeah, you're gonna be hungover tomorrow. Deal with it.
34. Salted snacks, while drunk, are sex for your mouth. Unless you're giving head.
33. You don't smoke if you only smoke when you're drunk.
32. Never admit you spilled the drink.
31. Stolen Booze > Free Booze
30. Don't piss off the bartender.
29. Tip him/her well. Especially if they're cute.
28. Compliments and one-liners are cheesy, but they work better than "Hi, My Name is..."
27. Never pass out with your shoes on.
26. If a girl wears heels out to a dance bar/club, she is trying to impress you. Or that other guy.
25. Getting animals drunk is extremely amusing.
24. Someone stealing your drink is akin to someone stealing your dignity.
23. "Makin' It Rain" in the club is not as cool as black people make it sound.
22. After 5 drinks, you are smarter than everyone. Make sure everyone knows it.
21. If people are switching off rounds and you say you'll just pay for yourself, you're a cheap ass. Go home.
20. If the girl you're hitting on keeps getting texts/calls, there are 2 options: 1) she's got a boyfriend. 2) she's a slut. either way, who cares?
19. Time heals all wounds. But whiskey does it faster.
18. Sometimes when I'm really drunk, I don't want to have sex with you. Head would do nicely.
17. Making out on the dance floor makes everyone else awkward. Keep doing it.
16. A girl will not dance with you or respond to your advances if you stand around looking at her for 10 minutes debating whether to go over and talk to her. Just go do it.
15. Buy a girl enough drinks and she should at least fake an orgasm.
14. If you're not sure if someone's a guy or a girl at a bar, don't ask.
13. Surround yourself with fun drunks and you will have a fun time. Unless they're sober.
12. Always buy booze for your underage siblings/friends.
11. If a guy says "I don't dance" to a girl who wants to dance, he also doesn't want to get laid.
10. Never ask a friend with a girlfriend to be the D.D. You will likely have to leave early.
9. At least one time in your life, buy your best friend a really good bottle of his favorite booze.
8. Wine gives the worst hangovers, not drinking it gives the worst regrets.
7. If you throw up and keep drinking, someone definitely has to be your drinks for the rest of the night, since you're a hero.
6. When life gives you lemons, say "fuck the lemons" and order a beer.
5. Any girl will tell you, Good Dancer > Good Talker
4. If a girl likes a song, so do you.
3. Life is like a box of chocolates, it's better when soaked in booze.
2. Make one trip to your homeland and drink the drink your ancestors did.
1. Always break the rules.
50. There are no "wrong" songs to dance to as long as you're drinking.
49. Try new drinks as much as you can, but always have a go to.
48. No matter how drunk you are, don't use any racial slurs. They will get you mauled.
47. Outdoor sex is advisable.
46. Thou will not waste any booze above well in a mixed drink. The stuff was meant to be tasted.
45. Never, ever turn down a shot from a girl. Ever.
44. Don't be the guy who gets too drunk and makes everyone leave early.
43. If your hosting a party, you can't act that surprised if your house gets destroyed.
42. BYOB= Bum Yours Off Bobby
41. Anyone with two or more drinks gets the right of way.
40. Drink whiskey and/or tequila all night, and they might as well put out an arrest warrant for you
39. There's no better way to get to know someone else's culture than by drinking it.
38. There is definitely sex in the champagne room. It just costs extra.
37. Straws are for women and Mind Erasers.
36. You got a high drinking tolerance? Prove it.
35. Yeah, you're gonna be hungover tomorrow. Deal with it.
34. Salted snacks, while drunk, are sex for your mouth. Unless you're giving head.
33. You don't smoke if you only smoke when you're drunk.
32. Never admit you spilled the drink.
31. Stolen Booze > Free Booze
30. Don't piss off the bartender.
29. Tip him/her well. Especially if they're cute.
28. Compliments and one-liners are cheesy, but they work better than "Hi, My Name is..."
27. Never pass out with your shoes on.
26. If a girl wears heels out to a dance bar/club, she is trying to impress you. Or that other guy.
25. Getting animals drunk is extremely amusing.
24. Someone stealing your drink is akin to someone stealing your dignity.
23. "Makin' It Rain" in the club is not as cool as black people make it sound.
22. After 5 drinks, you are smarter than everyone. Make sure everyone knows it.
21. If people are switching off rounds and you say you'll just pay for yourself, you're a cheap ass. Go home.
20. If the girl you're hitting on keeps getting texts/calls, there are 2 options: 1) she's got a boyfriend. 2) she's a slut. either way, who cares?
19. Time heals all wounds. But whiskey does it faster.
18. Sometimes when I'm really drunk, I don't want to have sex with you. Head would do nicely.
17. Making out on the dance floor makes everyone else awkward. Keep doing it.
16. A girl will not dance with you or respond to your advances if you stand around looking at her for 10 minutes debating whether to go over and talk to her. Just go do it.
15. Buy a girl enough drinks and she should at least fake an orgasm.
14. If you're not sure if someone's a guy or a girl at a bar, don't ask.
13. Surround yourself with fun drunks and you will have a fun time. Unless they're sober.
12. Always buy booze for your underage siblings/friends.
11. If a guy says "I don't dance" to a girl who wants to dance, he also doesn't want to get laid.
10. Never ask a friend with a girlfriend to be the D.D. You will likely have to leave early.
9. At least one time in your life, buy your best friend a really good bottle of his favorite booze.
8. Wine gives the worst hangovers, not drinking it gives the worst regrets.
7. If you throw up and keep drinking, someone definitely has to be your drinks for the rest of the night, since you're a hero.
6. When life gives you lemons, say "fuck the lemons" and order a beer.
5. Any girl will tell you, Good Dancer > Good Talker
4. If a girl likes a song, so do you.
3. Life is like a box of chocolates, it's better when soaked in booze.
2. Make one trip to your homeland and drink the drink your ancestors did.
1. Always break the rules.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Rules of Drinking: 100-51
Hey there! Since I haven't got to do a list in a while I thought I'd do an ultra, mega list. That's right, it's so big, it needs two parts. But here we go with the 100 Rules of Drinking. Here are 100-51. Let them replace your Bible.
100. Happy Hour is every hour.
99. Karaoke is always a good idea.
98. If you puke on someone, they are allowed one free shot at you.
97. If you need to go pee, nature is one big bathroom.
96. It doesn't count if you can't remember (unless, of course, you were a virgin before)
95. Food is sobering. Please avoid.
94. Driving sober is not fun. But neither is getting arrested.
93. Nursing is for hospital workers. If you can't keep pace, get out of the race.
92. Drinking CAN be a race but only for the brave.
91. At any sporting event, you should have at least one drink.
90. Don't get so angry--being drunk is supposed to be fun.
89. At bars, don't try so hard. If you're having fun, the fun will come to you.
88. Drinking game rules are made by the host and should be followed to a "t".
87. Every shot needs a toast.
86. Your cocktail waitress doesn't REALLY like you. You're just a tip.
85. Getting too deep is for sex--not drunk conversation.
84. It is your duty to embarrass your friends.
83. If you pay for drinks in change, look for spit.
82. Every four months of a relationship gives you the right to one day of a bender when you break up. (12 months = 3 days) After that, get over it.
81. You must, at least once in life, get drunk with your father.
80. If someone offers to buy you a shot, you don't get to complain about the taste.
79. You don't need an excuse to drink, you need one not to.
78. Fruity drinks taste good and are acceptable, so fuck you if you don't like me drinking it.
77. You don't need other people around to drink, they need you.
76. Alcohol does make you more smooth, so get hit on her.
75. When you go to bars, always bring a condom, males and females.
74. It's not wrong to go out with bad looking people as long as they make you look better.
73. If you're just bobbing back and forth, get the hell of the dance floor and make room for my awesome skills.
72. Winners of dance-offs, indeed, are guaranteed to get laid.
71. Counting your drinks is for pussies and, is thus, forbidden.
70. As long as she/he's 18, no judgement shall be passed.
69. Pass judgement at every turn on everyone.
68. If you brag about how drunk you are, you are too drunk or an amateur. Or both.
67. Music should be turned up very, very loud.
66. It should also be sung very, very loud.
65. Vacation = Bender
64. If you can't do the shot, at least one person has to call you a "pussy."
63. Buy women drinks but not ALL their drinks, that's just dumb.
62. There is no such thing as too strong a drink.
61. If a girl buys you a drink and you don't hit on her, you better be gay or married.
60. If you don't have a corkscrew, there's no wrong way to open the bottle.
59. Talking to someone while drunk peeing is highly frowned upon.
58. You can drink your roommates beer, as long as you've known him/her for a year.
57. If you're drunk, it's forgivable to forget a guy/girl's name, provided you've never met them before. But don't admit it
56. If you think you're slurring, then you are.
55. If you're gonna fight, always make it someone drunker than you.
54. If you're at a bar without your significant other, you're fair game.
53. The fuller beer is always yours.
52. Bringing booze to a party means you either finish it or it's the party's.
51. If you drink at work, drink vodka. It looks like water.
50-1 coming tomorrow.
100. Happy Hour is every hour.
99. Karaoke is always a good idea.
98. If you puke on someone, they are allowed one free shot at you.
97. If you need to go pee, nature is one big bathroom.
96. It doesn't count if you can't remember (unless, of course, you were a virgin before)
95. Food is sobering. Please avoid.
94. Driving sober is not fun. But neither is getting arrested.
93. Nursing is for hospital workers. If you can't keep pace, get out of the race.
92. Drinking CAN be a race but only for the brave.
91. At any sporting event, you should have at least one drink.
90. Don't get so angry--being drunk is supposed to be fun.
89. At bars, don't try so hard. If you're having fun, the fun will come to you.
88. Drinking game rules are made by the host and should be followed to a "t".
87. Every shot needs a toast.
86. Your cocktail waitress doesn't REALLY like you. You're just a tip.
85. Getting too deep is for sex--not drunk conversation.
84. It is your duty to embarrass your friends.
83. If you pay for drinks in change, look for spit.
82. Every four months of a relationship gives you the right to one day of a bender when you break up. (12 months = 3 days) After that, get over it.
81. You must, at least once in life, get drunk with your father.
80. If someone offers to buy you a shot, you don't get to complain about the taste.
79. You don't need an excuse to drink, you need one not to.
78. Fruity drinks taste good and are acceptable, so fuck you if you don't like me drinking it.
77. You don't need other people around to drink, they need you.
76. Alcohol does make you more smooth, so get hit on her.
75. When you go to bars, always bring a condom, males and females.
74. It's not wrong to go out with bad looking people as long as they make you look better.
73. If you're just bobbing back and forth, get the hell of the dance floor and make room for my awesome skills.
72. Winners of dance-offs, indeed, are guaranteed to get laid.
71. Counting your drinks is for pussies and, is thus, forbidden.
70. As long as she/he's 18, no judgement shall be passed.
69. Pass judgement at every turn on everyone.
68. If you brag about how drunk you are, you are too drunk or an amateur. Or both.
67. Music should be turned up very, very loud.
66. It should also be sung very, very loud.
65. Vacation = Bender
64. If you can't do the shot, at least one person has to call you a "pussy."
63. Buy women drinks but not ALL their drinks, that's just dumb.
62. There is no such thing as too strong a drink.
61. If a girl buys you a drink and you don't hit on her, you better be gay or married.
60. If you don't have a corkscrew, there's no wrong way to open the bottle.
59. Talking to someone while drunk peeing is highly frowned upon.
58. You can drink your roommates beer, as long as you've known him/her for a year.
57. If you're drunk, it's forgivable to forget a guy/girl's name, provided you've never met them before. But don't admit it
56. If you think you're slurring, then you are.
55. If you're gonna fight, always make it someone drunker than you.
54. If you're at a bar without your significant other, you're fair game.
53. The fuller beer is always yours.
52. Bringing booze to a party means you either finish it or it's the party's.
51. If you drink at work, drink vodka. It looks like water.
50-1 coming tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Drunk Personalities: Women
Lately, I figure I haven't given the blog much variety. Drunk Michael Bay Review here, mailbag there and not much else in between. So I'm gonna try out a few new segments for a little change of pace. Don't worry, I'll still be turning all my attention to booze and women. I'm assuming you all know what types of drunks you are (i.e. angry, fun, creepy). But what kind of drunks are women? I'll admit that I know so little about women. But if there is one think I know about them...it's what kind of drunks they are. I hope. Anyways, here are The Various Personalities of Drunk Girls.
The Bitch
Common Offenders: Really, Really Hot Girls that know it.
Drunk Traits: Bitchy, Sarcastic, Dismissive, Stuck Up.
But Why? Sobriety helps keep cockiness in check. So when a hot girl, that obviously knows it, has had a little too much to drink, modesty is not processed by the liver. Try and talk to her, you will get rejected. You know why? You definitely aren't good enough for her! I mean, she'll tell you she made out with Robert Downey Jr. in Vegas and he's the one who calls her. See her looking at you from across the room? She's not checking you out, she's judging you. Hard.
The Slut
Common Offenders: Marginally attractive girls compensating for not being more attractive, Horny Girls.
Drunk Traits: Sloppy, Messy, Aggressive, and just...slutty
But Why? The Slut is an insecure drunk. You wouldn't know it from the way she acts, but she just wants to be liked. That's why she'll sleep with you: because she thinks that's the only way you'll like her. When she's had too much alcohol, BAM!, her clothes are as good as off. And she will have too much alcohol. On the verge of vomiting, probably. Granted, some girls are just sluts because they love sex. But these sluts are much more emotionally unstable. The sex will probably be good but you might wake up in the morning and say to yourself "I've made a huge mistake." She's not the worst kind of drunk. Unless she gives you chlamydia.
The Hot Mess
Common Offenders: Good looking girls that have drank themselves stupid.
Drunk Traits: Total lack of inhibitions, Instant Mood Swings, Confusion.
But Why? The hot mess is having a really bad or really good day. Maybe she just broke up with her BF or got a promotion at work. But she's letting it all out. She wants either to make it a night to forget or a night to remember. You'll see her at the bar doing a few rounds of Lemon Drops then getting on the dance floor and dancing with her girls. If you aren't a "hot" guy, this type of drunk is your only chance to sex up a girl much hotter than you.
The "Taken"
Common Offenders: Girls with boyfriends
Drunk Traits: Reserved, quiet, polite.
But Why? They'll wait 20 minutes into a conversation that they have a boyfriend, but c'mon! You should already know that (why do u do this, ladies?)!! She's trying to have fun, but doesn't want to get too wild. She'll often be the one in the group who drives to the bar or waits for their friend(s). Will you score with her? Probably not. Doesn't mean you can't try. The "Taken" is a challenge. Beware.
The Criers
Common Offenders: Lame-o's
Drunk Traits: Mood swinging like crazy, unstable, loud, complainer.
But Why? There are some girls who just have to wait to get drunk to cry. And those that do will snap at any instant. Hot girl walks by? "Waaaaaa...I used to be that hot." Usually, it's not what happens that makes cry but a whole bunch of pent up issues. Well, thanks for letting me get to deal with that! I just met you 20 minutes ago but let me solve your emotional problems! This is what they will expect. She'll either fall asleep on your shoulder with mascara all over your new Lacoste polo or in your bed staining your satin sheets. Try to stay away from this one. Ugh.
The Way-Too-Personal
Common Offenders: Girls with deep-seeded emotional problems
Drunk Traits: Attention-hogging, seems really cool, hesitant.
But Why? Hey, we're about to have sex on the first we met but you tell me you're molested? That's what you're dealing with her. "I was raped when I was 5." "My Dad used to hit me." "My grandpa was hit by a crashing airplane last year and I just can't deal with it." Things like this are sometimes better saved for date number 3 or 4 and even then it's a little off-putting. You don't hear me talking about my problems. Saying stuff like this is your invitation to please get away from me, ladies.
The "Whoo!" Girls
Common Offenders: Former or current sorority girls
Drunk Traits: Obnoxious, "Like, totally, whatever," attractive, dressed to impress.
But Why? Whoo girls are simply that: girls that go "Whooo!" whenever something exciting is happening. Who needs a toast when you just have to yell "Whoo!" These groups of girls are basically a guys dream: hot, unintelligent girls looking to get really drunk. If you can handle all the Whoo!'s then there is absolutely no reason why you should be standing on the other side of the room. Buy them a drink, scream along, and they'll love you forever. Or about 30 seconds.
The Dream Girl
Common Offenders: Ultra-hot, modest girls. (About as rare as an eclipse)
Drunk Traits: Fun, Funny, Wild, Spontaneous, Not Slutty but Not Prude.
Do They Exist? See that 10 over there sipping on her Guinness (oh yeah, she can handle the heavy stuff.)? She's not a bitch. Go see, I'll wait. The "Dream Girl" rarely exists in reality. It's the girl you meet that you can't believe likes you, the one that always makes you think your a Double-A relief pitcher starting in the big leagues. She's drunk but not stupid. She's funny but not obnoxious. She doesn't play games and if she does, they're fun. Every night a guy go's out and will pick a "best-case scenario" girl. Usually, it doesn't pan out. But when a guy has that girl picked out, she can do no wrong. Thus, the first night he meets her he will walk away thinking the girl is perfect and, thus, the dream girl. There's nothing a girl can really do to become a dream girl except stand there and look pretty.
Well, that's it today for the blog. Hope you enjoyed further insight into the female psyche. It's complicated yet so so simple. At least when they're drunk. When they're sober, don't ask me for any advice. I'll keep this short today since I'm a busy man but always remember: if you don't meet them at a bar, then where do you meet them? (No seriously, where do people meet?) Anyways, until next time, bon voyage my lovely readers!
The Bitch
Common Offenders: Really, Really Hot Girls that know it.
Drunk Traits: Bitchy, Sarcastic, Dismissive, Stuck Up.
But Why? Sobriety helps keep cockiness in check. So when a hot girl, that obviously knows it, has had a little too much to drink, modesty is not processed by the liver. Try and talk to her, you will get rejected. You know why? You definitely aren't good enough for her! I mean, she'll tell you she made out with Robert Downey Jr. in Vegas and he's the one who calls her. See her looking at you from across the room? She's not checking you out, she's judging you. Hard.
The Slut
Common Offenders: Marginally attractive girls compensating for not being more attractive, Horny Girls.
Drunk Traits: Sloppy, Messy, Aggressive, and just...slutty
But Why? The Slut is an insecure drunk. You wouldn't know it from the way she acts, but she just wants to be liked. That's why she'll sleep with you: because she thinks that's the only way you'll like her. When she's had too much alcohol, BAM!, her clothes are as good as off. And she will have too much alcohol. On the verge of vomiting, probably. Granted, some girls are just sluts because they love sex. But these sluts are much more emotionally unstable. The sex will probably be good but you might wake up in the morning and say to yourself "I've made a huge mistake." She's not the worst kind of drunk. Unless she gives you chlamydia.
The Hot Mess
Common Offenders: Good looking girls that have drank themselves stupid.
Drunk Traits: Total lack of inhibitions, Instant Mood Swings, Confusion.
But Why? The hot mess is having a really bad or really good day. Maybe she just broke up with her BF or got a promotion at work. But she's letting it all out. She wants either to make it a night to forget or a night to remember. You'll see her at the bar doing a few rounds of Lemon Drops then getting on the dance floor and dancing with her girls. If you aren't a "hot" guy, this type of drunk is your only chance to sex up a girl much hotter than you.
The "Taken"
Common Offenders: Girls with boyfriends
Drunk Traits: Reserved, quiet, polite.
But Why? They'll wait 20 minutes into a conversation that they have a boyfriend, but c'mon! You should already know that (why do u do this, ladies?)!! She's trying to have fun, but doesn't want to get too wild. She'll often be the one in the group who drives to the bar or waits for their friend(s). Will you score with her? Probably not. Doesn't mean you can't try. The "Taken" is a challenge. Beware.
The Criers
Common Offenders: Lame-o's
Drunk Traits: Mood swinging like crazy, unstable, loud, complainer.
But Why? There are some girls who just have to wait to get drunk to cry. And those that do will snap at any instant. Hot girl walks by? "Waaaaaa...I used to be that hot." Usually, it's not what happens that makes cry but a whole bunch of pent up issues. Well, thanks for letting me get to deal with that! I just met you 20 minutes ago but let me solve your emotional problems! This is what they will expect. She'll either fall asleep on your shoulder with mascara all over your new Lacoste polo or in your bed staining your satin sheets. Try to stay away from this one. Ugh.
The Way-Too-Personal
Common Offenders: Girls with deep-seeded emotional problems
Drunk Traits: Attention-hogging, seems really cool, hesitant.
But Why? Hey, we're about to have sex on the first we met but you tell me you're molested? That's what you're dealing with her. "I was raped when I was 5." "My Dad used to hit me." "My grandpa was hit by a crashing airplane last year and I just can't deal with it." Things like this are sometimes better saved for date number 3 or 4 and even then it's a little off-putting. You don't hear me talking about my problems. Saying stuff like this is your invitation to please get away from me, ladies.
The "Whoo!" Girls
Common Offenders: Former or current sorority girls
Drunk Traits: Obnoxious, "Like, totally, whatever," attractive, dressed to impress.
But Why? Whoo girls are simply that: girls that go "Whooo!" whenever something exciting is happening. Who needs a toast when you just have to yell "Whoo!" These groups of girls are basically a guys dream: hot, unintelligent girls looking to get really drunk. If you can handle all the Whoo!'s then there is absolutely no reason why you should be standing on the other side of the room. Buy them a drink, scream along, and they'll love you forever. Or about 30 seconds.
The Dream Girl
Common Offenders: Ultra-hot, modest girls. (About as rare as an eclipse)
Drunk Traits: Fun, Funny, Wild, Spontaneous, Not Slutty but Not Prude.
Do They Exist? See that 10 over there sipping on her Guinness (oh yeah, she can handle the heavy stuff.)? She's not a bitch. Go see, I'll wait. The "Dream Girl" rarely exists in reality. It's the girl you meet that you can't believe likes you, the one that always makes you think your a Double-A relief pitcher starting in the big leagues. She's drunk but not stupid. She's funny but not obnoxious. She doesn't play games and if she does, they're fun. Every night a guy go's out and will pick a "best-case scenario" girl. Usually, it doesn't pan out. But when a guy has that girl picked out, she can do no wrong. Thus, the first night he meets her he will walk away thinking the girl is perfect and, thus, the dream girl. There's nothing a girl can really do to become a dream girl except stand there and look pretty.
Well, that's it today for the blog. Hope you enjoyed further insight into the female psyche. It's complicated yet so so simple. At least when they're drunk. When they're sober, don't ask me for any advice. I'll keep this short today since I'm a busy man but always remember: if you don't meet them at a bar, then where do you meet them? (No seriously, where do people meet?) Anyways, until next time, bon voyage my lovely readers!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Yes, The Exact Right Time to Run Into MILF's at the Grocery Store is 4 P.M., And Other Non-Sensical Queries Responded To: The August Mailbag
It's back like your Grandma's dentures in your cocktail, it''s the MAILBAG! August's edition has a special twist to it. Since the summer is winding down and we're in the hot, dog days of August, I've decided to only take questions this month regarding drunken sex. Seems a little raunchy, I know, but I feel like we all need a little raunchiness to keep the summer alive as long as possible. Let's get down to the filth!
Q: So I'm banging this model the other day. Great ass, tight vagina, big tits. Basically a perfect body. Except for one thing. She had the really big peanut butter cup nipples. You know which ones I'm talking about. (If you don't, google Thandie Newton nude.) Luckily we were in the dark and I was hammered so I didn't have a problem. Can I possibly survive a relationship with this girl when all I think about if here nipples are going to explode all over me?
--M. Fontenot, Chicago, IL
A: I am aware of this bizarre nipple style and I'll address. It is, indeed, very off-putting. Then again, if the girl is that hot and this is her only flaw, you certainly can't break up with her over it. I mean, unless she's a playboy model, nobody else knows about the nipples. So earn your bragging rights and keep on making her strike a pose: sitting on your penis.
Q: How wrong is it to play a strip drinking game to "WALL-E"?
--A. Stanton, Anaheim, CA.
A: Wrong? As long as there are no kids in the room, this seems about as right as you can get.
Q: So picture this: you're at a bar, chatting up some girl. You start dancing with her but she's grinding all over you. Now you've got a boner. What are the best ways to hide this so it doesn't make it look like you're "Touch and Go."?
--S. Guttenberg, Portland, OR.
A: I've always had a problem deciding what to do. You can look like a terrible dancer and hide it by dancing with your hands over your groin. But I've learned one thing dancing/grinding with women is that, if they are grinding on you that aggressively that it's gonna give you a woodie, then they probably won't mind you having one. In fat, that might just be their intention in the first place. So let it fly. Unless you're done dancing. Then you've got other problems.
Q: My stepmom took me out to dinner for my birthday the other day. Suffice to say, we both had a few too many margaritas and were unable to drive home. Since we were so far away from home, we decided we just chug some water and wait in the car for a while. Well, we're waiting in the car and all the sudden we start going at it. The sex was sloppy to say the least. Should I pursue this, based on the fact that I hate my father?
--J. Cutler, Bourbainais, IL.
A: I don't know the "moral" protocol here, but I'd assume that since your dad is married to this woman and sleeping with her, you probably shouldn't. However, you should take some things into account: the age difference: if she's 20+ years older than you, you may not get another chance to hook up with a woman like that. How often do you get laid, i.e. how badly do you need this? If it's been awhile, then keep at it. How much money does your dad have? Because if you get caught, I presume you'll get cut out of the will. It's really all up to you though. I'd say just think with your dick. That's what I would do.
Q: So me and a lady friend went home together the other night. I've been in a huge dry spell lately so I was excited. Anyways, we're going at it and she's on top. She proceeds to vomit and a little got on me but I didn't care, so I ended up finishing. Is there protocol for this type of situation?
--V. Diesel, Detroit, MI.
A: I don't think there's exactly a protocol for this type of situation but there has to be some limits. I mean, if she did it all over me I would probably throw up immediately. I guess finishing would be making the best of a bad situation but that just depends how horny you are. I mean, if you're lucky enough to find a girl who wants to keep going after she's thrown up, then you found yourself a keeper my friend. Hold on to that one.
Q: I haven't gotten laid since the Bush administration. I was at the Cubs game recently and hit it off with the girl sitting next to me. She was there with her boyfriend though. I did get a number, but am I breaking the guy code or something by calling her?
--E. Hawke, Pasadena, CA.
A: Sure, it's sort of morally wrong but who cares? If you don't know her boyfriend and she's giving you her number while she's with him, then she's probably not looking to be a faithful girlfriend. She's the one in the wrong here, not you. Call her up. I mean, you met here at Wrigley? That's about as sexy as it gets.
Q; What does a girls weight have to be for you not to consider having sex with her when you're extremely drunk?
--G. Giraldo, Hartford, CN.
A: Clearly, it depends on her height. But let's say she's 5'6, a pretty normal height for a girl. I'd say once she passes the 145-150 mark, it's time to get on the treadmill. Sorry ladies, I'm not being an asshole because I keep myself in shape. So maybe you should.
Q: What's the one thing you would never do during sex, no matter how drunk or messed up you were?
--S. Van Pelt, Bristol, CN.
A: This is a tough one. I would do almost anything. Roleplay, S&M, bondage, it's all good. One thing I don't I would do is let a girl use a strap-on on me. There's just no chance that thing is going anywhere near me. I'll stick it in any hole you want, but I'm the only one doing the sticking.
Q: Who would be the absolutely last celebrity twosome you would want to see in a sex tape? Keep in mind, you'd have to watch the whole thing, no matter how hideous.
--S. Rogen, Boise, ID.
A: Wow. Well, how bout Roseanne Barr and John Goodman? That'd be pretty disgusting. Or Rosie O'Donnell and anyone. That would make me puke on site. Major boner killer.
Q: How possible would it be for you to go to a "Hey Monday" concert and, if you got backstage passes, get drunk and hook up with their lead singer Cassadee Pope. What steps would have to be taken for this to have a shot at happening?
--D. Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL
A: Let me start off by saying, there is nothing hotter to me than this type of girl. Man they just get me going. Fun with a different style. Nobody wants that same old nice girl. (I don't, at least) And she just looks the perfect fit for me. However, my chances are non-existent at acquiring a back stage pass, meeting her, partying with her, or hooking up with her. If she ever reads this, Cassadee all I want to do is meet you and maybe have a cocktail or 7. Here's hoping on November 23, I get luckier than I ever had.
Q: What is the best party city on each continent and can you rank them according to their world rankings?
--D. Hume, Island, Pacific Ocean.
A: Here we go. America: Vegas. Asia: Bangkok, Thailand. Europe: Amsterdam, Holland. Australia: Sydney. South America; Rio de Jianerio, Brazil. Africa: CapeTown, South Africa. Here's where they'd rank against each other.
1. Rio (Hands down, by far)
2. Amsterdam
3. Vegas
4. Bangkok (very close to 3rd)
5. Capetown
6. Sydney
Q: Is there any sort of rule in regards to two buddies going after the same drunk girl at a bar? Does it matter who came in first or anything like that? Also, if I win, how do I get her to do anal on the first night?
--M. Bay, Santa Fe, NM.
A: The rules are this: whoever has her when you leave the bar, wins. Not that you're a game ladies. But anything that happens in the bar is fair game. If a girl leaves the bar with you, that's who she's chosen. You lose, tough luck. At most bars, there's more than one drunk attractive girl. Don't be a pussy.
Q: My girlfriend's "women fluids" taste like booze when I'm down under. Should I be worried that she's a) possibly an alcoholic or b) she's switching to some disgusting fruity booze that I can't stand?
--S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH.
A: Her problems are her problems, but if you really have a problem with it, tell her to at least drink it with pineapple juice. It's supposed to make the "fluids' taste better for males or females. As for her being an alcoholic, it's her liver. Probably your benefit, since she'll be drunk and horny every night.
Q: Is getting drunk and fucking after meeting a girl/guy at the bar that night really a good idea? I mean, isn't this how terrible things happen?
--A. Sharpton, New York, NY.
A: You sir, have either never done it or you did it once and got an STD or got her pregnant. What's wrong with a little fun? Sex is natural. People that place such a big deal on it are just prudes. Wear a condom and you'll be fine. Don't deprive men of their natural pastime.
Q: I just wanted to say thank you very much for your advice the other day. I totally went for this drunk chick at the bar and went home with her. The sex was AH-mazing. She did things in bed I'd never even dreamed possibly. Thank you for your advice, which led to the best night of my life. What's your best drunken sex story?
--B. Clinton, Queens, NY.
A: Of my best drunken sex stories, i'm not sure I'd put the word "best" in front of any of them. Although one of my lady friends in Amsterdam, who was rather cute, did a shot with me beforehand. I was already drunk/high as it was. But I always appreciated that shot. It's almost like she wanted me to last longer, even the circumstances dictated that she usually wouldn't. I tipped her well.
Q: If you were arrested in Saudi Arabia for drinking and having sex with a Saudi (both illegal for foreigners), who would be your one phone call? If it was a Saudi model, would you lie and say you didn't have sex with her to reduce your sentence? Just remember, the whole world is watching.
--Y. Arafat, Jerusalem, Israel.
A: Take the jail time. My one call would be to either the UN or the American Embassy in Saudi Arabia. Guys like me predictably wouldn't last very long in a Saudi prison. I would definitely never lie about the sex though. With a Arab model? How many people does that happen to on a visit to Saudi Arabia ever? Eight? I'll rot in jail for an extra few months if it meant international recognition. Then girls would be like , "Oh, well she's very attractive and she had sex with him. Maybe there's something there." For. The. Win.
Q: What are 10 rules all women should follow regarding sex? Not random sex, I'm talking like boyfriend sex. Or meaningful sex.
--U. Jimenez, Denver, CO.
A: Great question. And here comes a great answer.
1. When your time of the month hits you, don't get mad at us masturbating if you're not going to give us head.
2. You know why you always make the move? Because we're 7/11, open 24/7 for business. So make the move.
3. Don't ask if we want to have anal sex. We do.
4. If you give us head during halftime of a football/soccer game, we'll watch that America's Top Model marathon with you all night.
5. Surprise role play is better than just asking us what we want. Also, it's a good way to get us away from the TV.
6. Don't ever talk about your ex's/previous sex partners before/after/during sex. We're the one inside you now. Talk about us.
7. When it comes to dirty talk, there is no such thing as too dirty.
8. If we finish too early, don't patronize us with stuff like "oh, it hurts after a while anyway." you're just making it worse.
9. If we "landscape" down there and you don't, don't expect any favors to get returned.
10. Never, under any circumstance, tell us you don't enjoy giving head. Based on how good it makes us feel, you should enjoy it a little.
Ah sex and booze, a combination that cannot be beat. I hope you enjoyed that mailbag, especially since you can't wait 3 freakin' days for it. I think it was up to my high standards of fake comedy. But now, ladies and gents, I'm off to the races trying to find something to occupy my days besides writing about drunk sex. I won't let that deter you from the inner workings of my brain here at the blog, don't worry. Until you read me next time, hasta luego, senoritas.
Q: So I'm banging this model the other day. Great ass, tight vagina, big tits. Basically a perfect body. Except for one thing. She had the really big peanut butter cup nipples. You know which ones I'm talking about. (If you don't, google Thandie Newton nude.) Luckily we were in the dark and I was hammered so I didn't have a problem. Can I possibly survive a relationship with this girl when all I think about if here nipples are going to explode all over me?
--M. Fontenot, Chicago, IL
A: I am aware of this bizarre nipple style and I'll address. It is, indeed, very off-putting. Then again, if the girl is that hot and this is her only flaw, you certainly can't break up with her over it. I mean, unless she's a playboy model, nobody else knows about the nipples. So earn your bragging rights and keep on making her strike a pose: sitting on your penis.
Q: How wrong is it to play a strip drinking game to "WALL-E"?
--A. Stanton, Anaheim, CA.
A: Wrong? As long as there are no kids in the room, this seems about as right as you can get.
Q: So picture this: you're at a bar, chatting up some girl. You start dancing with her but she's grinding all over you. Now you've got a boner. What are the best ways to hide this so it doesn't make it look like you're "Touch and Go."?
--S. Guttenberg, Portland, OR.
A: I've always had a problem deciding what to do. You can look like a terrible dancer and hide it by dancing with your hands over your groin. But I've learned one thing dancing/grinding with women is that, if they are grinding on you that aggressively that it's gonna give you a woodie, then they probably won't mind you having one. In fat, that might just be their intention in the first place. So let it fly. Unless you're done dancing. Then you've got other problems.
Q: My stepmom took me out to dinner for my birthday the other day. Suffice to say, we both had a few too many margaritas and were unable to drive home. Since we were so far away from home, we decided we just chug some water and wait in the car for a while. Well, we're waiting in the car and all the sudden we start going at it. The sex was sloppy to say the least. Should I pursue this, based on the fact that I hate my father?
--J. Cutler, Bourbainais, IL.
A: I don't know the "moral" protocol here, but I'd assume that since your dad is married to this woman and sleeping with her, you probably shouldn't. However, you should take some things into account: the age difference: if she's 20+ years older than you, you may not get another chance to hook up with a woman like that. How often do you get laid, i.e. how badly do you need this? If it's been awhile, then keep at it. How much money does your dad have? Because if you get caught, I presume you'll get cut out of the will. It's really all up to you though. I'd say just think with your dick. That's what I would do.
Q: So me and a lady friend went home together the other night. I've been in a huge dry spell lately so I was excited. Anyways, we're going at it and she's on top. She proceeds to vomit and a little got on me but I didn't care, so I ended up finishing. Is there protocol for this type of situation?
--V. Diesel, Detroit, MI.
A: I don't think there's exactly a protocol for this type of situation but there has to be some limits. I mean, if she did it all over me I would probably throw up immediately. I guess finishing would be making the best of a bad situation but that just depends how horny you are. I mean, if you're lucky enough to find a girl who wants to keep going after she's thrown up, then you found yourself a keeper my friend. Hold on to that one.
Q: I haven't gotten laid since the Bush administration. I was at the Cubs game recently and hit it off with the girl sitting next to me. She was there with her boyfriend though. I did get a number, but am I breaking the guy code or something by calling her?
--E. Hawke, Pasadena, CA.
A: Sure, it's sort of morally wrong but who cares? If you don't know her boyfriend and she's giving you her number while she's with him, then she's probably not looking to be a faithful girlfriend. She's the one in the wrong here, not you. Call her up. I mean, you met here at Wrigley? That's about as sexy as it gets.
Q; What does a girls weight have to be for you not to consider having sex with her when you're extremely drunk?
--G. Giraldo, Hartford, CN.
A: Clearly, it depends on her height. But let's say she's 5'6, a pretty normal height for a girl. I'd say once she passes the 145-150 mark, it's time to get on the treadmill. Sorry ladies, I'm not being an asshole because I keep myself in shape. So maybe you should.
Q: What's the one thing you would never do during sex, no matter how drunk or messed up you were?
--S. Van Pelt, Bristol, CN.
A: This is a tough one. I would do almost anything. Roleplay, S&M, bondage, it's all good. One thing I don't I would do is let a girl use a strap-on on me. There's just no chance that thing is going anywhere near me. I'll stick it in any hole you want, but I'm the only one doing the sticking.
Q: Who would be the absolutely last celebrity twosome you would want to see in a sex tape? Keep in mind, you'd have to watch the whole thing, no matter how hideous.
--S. Rogen, Boise, ID.
A: Wow. Well, how bout Roseanne Barr and John Goodman? That'd be pretty disgusting. Or Rosie O'Donnell and anyone. That would make me puke on site. Major boner killer.
Q: How possible would it be for you to go to a "Hey Monday" concert and, if you got backstage passes, get drunk and hook up with their lead singer Cassadee Pope. What steps would have to be taken for this to have a shot at happening?
--D. Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL
A: Let me start off by saying, there is nothing hotter to me than this type of girl. Man they just get me going. Fun with a different style. Nobody wants that same old nice girl. (I don't, at least) And she just looks the perfect fit for me. However, my chances are non-existent at acquiring a back stage pass, meeting her, partying with her, or hooking up with her. If she ever reads this, Cassadee all I want to do is meet you and maybe have a cocktail or 7. Here's hoping on November 23, I get luckier than I ever had.
Q: What is the best party city on each continent and can you rank them according to their world rankings?
--D. Hume, Island, Pacific Ocean.
A: Here we go. America: Vegas. Asia: Bangkok, Thailand. Europe: Amsterdam, Holland. Australia: Sydney. South America; Rio de Jianerio, Brazil. Africa: CapeTown, South Africa. Here's where they'd rank against each other.
1. Rio (Hands down, by far)
2. Amsterdam
3. Vegas
4. Bangkok (very close to 3rd)
5. Capetown
6. Sydney
Q: Is there any sort of rule in regards to two buddies going after the same drunk girl at a bar? Does it matter who came in first or anything like that? Also, if I win, how do I get her to do anal on the first night?
--M. Bay, Santa Fe, NM.
A: The rules are this: whoever has her when you leave the bar, wins. Not that you're a game ladies. But anything that happens in the bar is fair game. If a girl leaves the bar with you, that's who she's chosen. You lose, tough luck. At most bars, there's more than one drunk attractive girl. Don't be a pussy.
Q: My girlfriend's "women fluids" taste like booze when I'm down under. Should I be worried that she's a) possibly an alcoholic or b) she's switching to some disgusting fruity booze that I can't stand?
--S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH.
A: Her problems are her problems, but if you really have a problem with it, tell her to at least drink it with pineapple juice. It's supposed to make the "fluids' taste better for males or females. As for her being an alcoholic, it's her liver. Probably your benefit, since she'll be drunk and horny every night.
Q: Is getting drunk and fucking after meeting a girl/guy at the bar that night really a good idea? I mean, isn't this how terrible things happen?
--A. Sharpton, New York, NY.
A: You sir, have either never done it or you did it once and got an STD or got her pregnant. What's wrong with a little fun? Sex is natural. People that place such a big deal on it are just prudes. Wear a condom and you'll be fine. Don't deprive men of their natural pastime.
Q: I just wanted to say thank you very much for your advice the other day. I totally went for this drunk chick at the bar and went home with her. The sex was AH-mazing. She did things in bed I'd never even dreamed possibly. Thank you for your advice, which led to the best night of my life. What's your best drunken sex story?
--B. Clinton, Queens, NY.
A: Of my best drunken sex stories, i'm not sure I'd put the word "best" in front of any of them. Although one of my lady friends in Amsterdam, who was rather cute, did a shot with me beforehand. I was already drunk/high as it was. But I always appreciated that shot. It's almost like she wanted me to last longer, even the circumstances dictated that she usually wouldn't. I tipped her well.
Q: If you were arrested in Saudi Arabia for drinking and having sex with a Saudi (both illegal for foreigners), who would be your one phone call? If it was a Saudi model, would you lie and say you didn't have sex with her to reduce your sentence? Just remember, the whole world is watching.
--Y. Arafat, Jerusalem, Israel.
A: Take the jail time. My one call would be to either the UN or the American Embassy in Saudi Arabia. Guys like me predictably wouldn't last very long in a Saudi prison. I would definitely never lie about the sex though. With a Arab model? How many people does that happen to on a visit to Saudi Arabia ever? Eight? I'll rot in jail for an extra few months if it meant international recognition. Then girls would be like , "Oh, well she's very attractive and she had sex with him. Maybe there's something there." For. The. Win.
Q: What are 10 rules all women should follow regarding sex? Not random sex, I'm talking like boyfriend sex. Or meaningful sex.
--U. Jimenez, Denver, CO.
A: Great question. And here comes a great answer.
1. When your time of the month hits you, don't get mad at us masturbating if you're not going to give us head.
2. You know why you always make the move? Because we're 7/11, open 24/7 for business. So make the move.
3. Don't ask if we want to have anal sex. We do.
4. If you give us head during halftime of a football/soccer game, we'll watch that America's Top Model marathon with you all night.
5. Surprise role play is better than just asking us what we want. Also, it's a good way to get us away from the TV.
6. Don't ever talk about your ex's/previous sex partners before/after/during sex. We're the one inside you now. Talk about us.
7. When it comes to dirty talk, there is no such thing as too dirty.
8. If we finish too early, don't patronize us with stuff like "oh, it hurts after a while anyway." you're just making it worse.
9. If we "landscape" down there and you don't, don't expect any favors to get returned.
10. Never, under any circumstance, tell us you don't enjoy giving head. Based on how good it makes us feel, you should enjoy it a little.
Ah sex and booze, a combination that cannot be beat. I hope you enjoyed that mailbag, especially since you can't wait 3 freakin' days for it. I think it was up to my high standards of fake comedy. But now, ladies and gents, I'm off to the races trying to find something to occupy my days besides writing about drunk sex. I won't let that deter you from the inner workings of my brain here at the blog, don't worry. Until you read me next time, hasta luego, senoritas.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Pearl Harbor
The day of reckoning is upon us. In the 4th edition of my Real Time Drunken Michael Bay Reviews series, I will be forced to watch Pearl Harbor while drinking. This presents me with two outstanding dilemmas: 1) Pearl Harbor is one of, if not the, worst movies of the decade and 2) it is THREE HOURS LONG. I suspect the last half hour will read like this "zis suks. aflack gay, breing backk CUBA." But I do this for you because I love my reader(s) and know you need your fixes. So here it is, straight from my keyboard to your eyes, "Drunken Real Time Michael Bay Review: Pearl Harbor." Tora tora tora, motherfuckers.
00:00:00: My drink of choice is my usual favorite, the 7 and 7. It's sweet for happy hour goodness.
00:01:22: Kids fake shooting barn animals in a beat up plane. Wish they were real shooting me.
00:02:25: Kids playing around in a real plane accidently start it then drive it around like morons.
00:03:24: William Fintcher, who plays a hero in Armaggedon, plays a child beater here. Smooth transition.
00:04:55: Mitchell Field is actually Mitchel Field, Mr. Bay. Also, there are no mountains in Long Island. Ugh.
00:05:50: Hartnett and Affleck start to play chicken in planes. Wonder if they've ever played gay chicken.
00:06:37: Alec Baldwin: your voice can't even save this movie.
00:08:22: Affleck's off to England. God save the queen.
00:10:44: Navy Nurses OMG! Wonder if they met the Village People.
00:11:33: Guys getting shots in their asses. Exactly what every war buff wants to see.
00:13:05: Affleck can't read. That explains a little.
00:16:04: "I really, really lick you." Jesus, I didn't want that visual.
00:18:01: Affleck hits himself in the face with a champagne cork. Now THAT'S funny.
00:20:12: NAVY DANCE PARTY!
00:22:29: "Pearl Harbor, about as far from the fighting as you can get." That's what they call ironic foreshadowing.
00:25:20: Bwahaha. Affleck and his lady fall twenty feet from a scaffolding into the water. Closest thing to combat yet.
00:28:48: Cheesy four-minute romantic sequence. Bet Michael Bay was jerking off to a montage of explosions to keep himself sane.
00:30:03: Bromantic hug 'tween Hartnett and Affleck and that is basically pouring my second drink.
00:32:11: Wondering how tempted Affleck was to use a British accent around all the British actors.
00:33:18: Jon Voight as FDR? Match made in crippled hideousness.
00:34:33: Hirohito planning the Pearl Harbor attack. Don't know who that is? Go retake intro to history in high school.
00:35:42: The age old question: How do you know if something's submerged if it's all ready submerged?
00:37:04: Affleck's not making friends in Britain. Shame, thought he'd putting another shrimp on the barbie. Is that the right country?
00:39:18: Skepticism about a Pearl Harbor attack from everyone but the main Admiral. Formulaic plot device meet reality.
00:40:32: Japanese again planning Pearl Harbor and Michael Bay proves, if you use the right music, anyone can be the enemy. Even Gandhi.
00:41:59: Nice shot Red-2? Even I know that's from Star Wars.
00:43:41: Affleck crashes into the water and presumably dies. Everyone, including me, parties in their minds.
00:44:35: Cuba Gooding Jr. boxing a big white guy. Haven't seen someone get beat up this bad since Snow Dogs.
00:46:21: TKO for Cuba! In all fairness to Cuba, he's not nearly as bad as every single other actor in this movie. But that doesn't mean he's that good.
00:47:58: Hartnett arrives to tell Affleck's woman about his "death" and they both cry. "Hey, Michael, you know what a movie about Pearl Harbor needs? A LOVE TRIANGLE!" "That's brilliant, Shia. For that, I'll give you the lead in my Robot movie."
00:50:18: More of the Japanese planning. Basically just to remind you what the movie's supposed to be about.
00:51:11: How do you make a war movie better? Include Dan Akroyd. And he isn't buying the Japanese coded messages. Personally, I only buy Japanese. TOYOTA'S TOO GOOD!
00:52:14: Navy pilot's go watch Chaplin's "The Great Dictator." If only I was that lucky.
00:54:59: Ginger guy proposes to ultra-hot blonde and she says yes. Maybe I should join the Navy.
00:55:03: No, I shouldn't.
00:57:44: Jeez, I never thought I'd say this but Jennifer Garner looks ugly.
00:59:59: Hartnet's falling for "Affleck's Girl, He wishes he had Affleck's girl. Where does he find a girl like that?"
01:02:02: Note to self: if you ever want a girl to fall for you, become an Air Force pilot and take her on a ride above the clouds at sunset in Hawaii.
01:03:42: Let's just say this: if my best friend has sex with the girl I'm in love with when I die, I will haunt his ass. Hard.
01:06:26: Japanese spy doing some work in Pearl Harbor. You know, if I wasn't American, I would say "Damn, that is an awesome plan. Just plain brilliant."
01:07:34: Affleck's ex/Hartnet's current sure falls for Navy pilots like it's her job.
01:09:00: Aykroyd thinks the Japs are gonna attack Pearl Harbor. You'll pay for not believing a Conehead.
01:10:15: Tora Tora Tora and drink #3. BTW, this Admiral in Hawaii opposed protecting his ships actually. Good thing Michael Bay makes him look like a genius instead of a naive mofo.
01:13:05: Affleck's alive and Hartnett is fuuuuuuuuuucked.
01:14:01: Reunion between Affleck and his biddy. Boooooooooring.
01:16:10: Affleck looks befuddled at the betrayal. Wonder if they just used a take where he forgot his line.
01:18:39: Affleck getting drunk. Must be in his contract.
01:09:45: Bromantic fight 'tween Affleck and Hartnett. Seems like it will be all OK eventually.
01:21:01: The Japs are only 350 miles away! Their empire is at stake! Let's watch on and see what happens!
01:22:19: Kamikaze pilots praying then do a shot of sake before taking off. That is badass. I love sake.
01:24:00: "They's too large to be planes." Good thing our we had radar.
01:25:45: I hate to say it. But kudos to the Japanese for such an awesome war plan. It's the U.S.'s fault for not seeing it coming.
01:27:11: Make a note: Cuba Gooding Jr. has NEVER lost a fight. Except for that one in Snow Dogs.
01:28:30: The attack commences. BONZAI!
01:30:00: When you drop a torpedo from a thousand feet into the artillery room, you are getting promoted after the attack.
01:31:18: So many explosions happening I can't even begin to fathom how Affleck/Hartnett's girl JUST woke up. Are you fucking serious?
01:32:00: Affleck HAS to get to a DAMN plane! OBLIGE!
01:32:55: Cuba killing some fucking Japs on the Tommy Gun? Best part of the movie. In fact, it might be the only ood part.
01:34:10: Japs bomb a hospital. Now that's just bush.
01:35:07: Never assume a bomb's a dud. You will die. Rightfully so, to be honest.
01:37:00: 6 Japanese planes against Affleck and Hartnett in car. I don't really need to tell you who wins, do I?
01:39:18: I wonder if Mikey Bay took the soldiers getting shot underwater part directly from Saving Private Ryan or just edited it? Either way, Jon Voight's pissed. FDR FTW!
01:41:22: Shaky hospital camera shot makes me wonder if I have a better or worse chance of living through this movie than the soldiers.
01:44:25: B-40's can't outrun Zeroes? You want to bet on that, because Zeroes were the best planes anyone had until the end of the war. Dolan 39, Michael Bay 1.
01:46:11: Boring action sequence I'm too drunk to care about.
01:47:00: Wonder if "3 Zeroes on your 6" is a sexual reference. An ugly foresome, but a foresome nonetheless.
01:50:05: Having Affleck and Hartnett talk during this action sequence is really making it worse. That, and the fact that I can't tell if the scene is dizzy or I am from the drinking.
01:51:17: Would the Japanese really play chicken, or would they just shoot them? I hate this movie.
01:53:00: Affleck is on your ass now, Japanese pilot. Be careful, those are the last words tons of hookers hear.
01:56:49: Who cares about your boring nurse trying to fix everyone sequence? Oh shit, the ginger's fiancee died. Life really is the cruelest thing. Sometimes, the other sperm are lucky not to be chosen.
01:58:43: Good thing the government got the message out an hour after the attack started. Promptness is really unimportant in war.
02:00:44: Only Michael Bay could screw up a dying sequence.
02:02:08: Voight delivering the famous FDR speech. 3,000 American lives taken. I guess that's worth hundreds of thousands of other lives. As long as their your enemy, I guess it doesn't matter. Not like they were depleted already anyway.
02:05:00: Voight is pissed that his staff won't come up with a good plan. I agree with him, for once. Every time I see him I just think Dustin Hoffman is going to jump him like a Midnight Cowboy.
02:06:22: FDR stands from his wheelchair and says "Do Not Tell Me What Can Be Done." I really hope the LOST writers didn't get John Locke's famous line from that.
02:08:25: Hartnett and Affleck are going stateside for Doolittle's Raid. Don't know what that is? Ugh. Wiki it.
02:10:26: Affleck made a deal with God and he eventually got dissed by the G-man. Poor Ben. Now you know how your whores feel.
02:12:56: "I love you and I'll be waiting for you, with our lovechild, when you come back." Proving, once again, that all you need to do is have sex with a girl once to get her to love you.
02:15:05: Is it just me or is Hartnett's character a big douchebag for stealing Affleck's girl. If I feel in love with my best friend's girl, I'd suck it up and ignore it the best I could. Hartnett's a dick. I hate him.
02:16:40: Even Baldwin mails it in here. How could you waste that heavenly voice?
02:18:30: Baldwin's laugh makes me believe in God.
02:21:27: If you save someone's life, you get classified information. Makes me want to be a Secret Service agent.
02:22:00: I love how they wrote on the bombs "This is for Betty" and stuff like that. You know, drunk Mike Dolan sees the problem with this movie. This movie WORKS as a pure war movie. But the love scenes and dialogue just reek of day old vagina.
02:24:16: Alec Baldy's dialogue is so cheesy, it could clog an artery.
02:26:26: Alec's really doing his best but it's just bad material. It's like bad sex: at least it's still sex.
02:28:09: OH, I'd pray for you Alec. Your voice could seduce a virgin 60-year old nun.
02:30:30: Why is Doolittle's raid in the movie? This movie's too long. I am literally hammered. I'm scared to stand up.
02:32:00: Bomb. Enemy Fire. Uh-oh. Blah Blah Blah.
02:33:35: Telling a dead guy to wake up does not actually wake him up. If only.
02:35:31: They're running out of gas, but OH WAIT! There's the Japs coast. All is well, Michael Bay movie.
02:36;36: Affleck's going down on Japan. Not the first time.
02:37:54: Other American plane saves Affleck and Co. from being POW's. I'd say you owe them a bottle of Kristal. But that's just me.
02:38:33: Hartnett might be dying. STAY TUNED!
02:38:53: Affleck shot. Dreams really do come true.
02:40:02: Hartnett sacrifices himself then the Ginger absolutely fucking saves the day. Steals a gun then gernades the other two Jap officers.
02:41:00: Affleck tells Hartnett he can't die because he'll be a daddy. Reminds me of my first near death experience.
02:42:55: Ben and Co. carry Hartnett's casket off the plane in full view of their girl. Decently sad scene.
02:43:42: Cuba is the first black cross winner. Did he cry and kiss Hallee?
02:44:36: Hartnett's kid at his tombstone with Affleck and the woman. Does that girl just switch off at will? What a fucking hussie!
02:45:30: The movie ends with Affleck and his "faux" son flying off into the sunset. If only they showed the crash.
CELEBRATE! THE MOVIES' OVER!
Thank the Lord Jesus Christ, this movie is over. I'm so drunk, I may or may not take a week off from the Michael Bay segment. Plus, i hate this movie more than communism. To all my loyal readrs that actually stuck through this trying post, I salute you. Until next time, I love your souls. Good night, Chicago.
00:00:00: My drink of choice is my usual favorite, the 7 and 7. It's sweet for happy hour goodness.
00:01:22: Kids fake shooting barn animals in a beat up plane. Wish they were real shooting me.
00:02:25: Kids playing around in a real plane accidently start it then drive it around like morons.
00:03:24: William Fintcher, who plays a hero in Armaggedon, plays a child beater here. Smooth transition.
00:04:55: Mitchell Field is actually Mitchel Field, Mr. Bay. Also, there are no mountains in Long Island. Ugh.
00:05:50: Hartnett and Affleck start to play chicken in planes. Wonder if they've ever played gay chicken.
00:06:37: Alec Baldwin: your voice can't even save this movie.
00:08:22: Affleck's off to England. God save the queen.
00:10:44: Navy Nurses OMG! Wonder if they met the Village People.
00:11:33: Guys getting shots in their asses. Exactly what every war buff wants to see.
00:13:05: Affleck can't read. That explains a little.
00:16:04: "I really, really lick you." Jesus, I didn't want that visual.
00:18:01: Affleck hits himself in the face with a champagne cork. Now THAT'S funny.
00:20:12: NAVY DANCE PARTY!
00:22:29: "Pearl Harbor, about as far from the fighting as you can get." That's what they call ironic foreshadowing.
00:25:20: Bwahaha. Affleck and his lady fall twenty feet from a scaffolding into the water. Closest thing to combat yet.
00:28:48: Cheesy four-minute romantic sequence. Bet Michael Bay was jerking off to a montage of explosions to keep himself sane.
00:30:03: Bromantic hug 'tween Hartnett and Affleck and that is basically pouring my second drink.
00:32:11: Wondering how tempted Affleck was to use a British accent around all the British actors.
00:33:18: Jon Voight as FDR? Match made in crippled hideousness.
00:34:33: Hirohito planning the Pearl Harbor attack. Don't know who that is? Go retake intro to history in high school.
00:35:42: The age old question: How do you know if something's submerged if it's all ready submerged?
00:37:04: Affleck's not making friends in Britain. Shame, thought he'd putting another shrimp on the barbie. Is that the right country?
00:39:18: Skepticism about a Pearl Harbor attack from everyone but the main Admiral. Formulaic plot device meet reality.
00:40:32: Japanese again planning Pearl Harbor and Michael Bay proves, if you use the right music, anyone can be the enemy. Even Gandhi.
00:41:59: Nice shot Red-2? Even I know that's from Star Wars.
00:43:41: Affleck crashes into the water and presumably dies. Everyone, including me, parties in their minds.
00:44:35: Cuba Gooding Jr. boxing a big white guy. Haven't seen someone get beat up this bad since Snow Dogs.
00:46:21: TKO for Cuba! In all fairness to Cuba, he's not nearly as bad as every single other actor in this movie. But that doesn't mean he's that good.
00:47:58: Hartnett arrives to tell Affleck's woman about his "death" and they both cry. "Hey, Michael, you know what a movie about Pearl Harbor needs? A LOVE TRIANGLE!" "That's brilliant, Shia. For that, I'll give you the lead in my Robot movie."
00:50:18: More of the Japanese planning. Basically just to remind you what the movie's supposed to be about.
00:51:11: How do you make a war movie better? Include Dan Akroyd. And he isn't buying the Japanese coded messages. Personally, I only buy Japanese. TOYOTA'S TOO GOOD!
00:52:14: Navy pilot's go watch Chaplin's "The Great Dictator." If only I was that lucky.
00:54:59: Ginger guy proposes to ultra-hot blonde and she says yes. Maybe I should join the Navy.
00:55:03: No, I shouldn't.
00:57:44: Jeez, I never thought I'd say this but Jennifer Garner looks ugly.
00:59:59: Hartnet's falling for "Affleck's Girl, He wishes he had Affleck's girl. Where does he find a girl like that?"
01:02:02: Note to self: if you ever want a girl to fall for you, become an Air Force pilot and take her on a ride above the clouds at sunset in Hawaii.
01:03:42: Let's just say this: if my best friend has sex with the girl I'm in love with when I die, I will haunt his ass. Hard.
01:06:26: Japanese spy doing some work in Pearl Harbor. You know, if I wasn't American, I would say "Damn, that is an awesome plan. Just plain brilliant."
01:07:34: Affleck's ex/Hartnet's current sure falls for Navy pilots like it's her job.
01:09:00: Aykroyd thinks the Japs are gonna attack Pearl Harbor. You'll pay for not believing a Conehead.
01:10:15: Tora Tora Tora and drink #3. BTW, this Admiral in Hawaii opposed protecting his ships actually. Good thing Michael Bay makes him look like a genius instead of a naive mofo.
01:13:05: Affleck's alive and Hartnett is fuuuuuuuuuucked.
01:14:01: Reunion between Affleck and his biddy. Boooooooooring.
01:16:10: Affleck looks befuddled at the betrayal. Wonder if they just used a take where he forgot his line.
01:18:39: Affleck getting drunk. Must be in his contract.
01:09:45: Bromantic fight 'tween Affleck and Hartnett. Seems like it will be all OK eventually.
01:21:01: The Japs are only 350 miles away! Their empire is at stake! Let's watch on and see what happens!
01:22:19: Kamikaze pilots praying then do a shot of sake before taking off. That is badass. I love sake.
01:24:00: "They's too large to be planes." Good thing our we had radar.
01:25:45: I hate to say it. But kudos to the Japanese for such an awesome war plan. It's the U.S.'s fault for not seeing it coming.
01:27:11: Make a note: Cuba Gooding Jr. has NEVER lost a fight. Except for that one in Snow Dogs.
01:28:30: The attack commences. BONZAI!
01:30:00: When you drop a torpedo from a thousand feet into the artillery room, you are getting promoted after the attack.
01:31:18: So many explosions happening I can't even begin to fathom how Affleck/Hartnett's girl JUST woke up. Are you fucking serious?
01:32:00: Affleck HAS to get to a DAMN plane! OBLIGE!
01:32:55: Cuba killing some fucking Japs on the Tommy Gun? Best part of the movie. In fact, it might be the only ood part.
01:34:10: Japs bomb a hospital. Now that's just bush.
01:35:07: Never assume a bomb's a dud. You will die. Rightfully so, to be honest.
01:37:00: 6 Japanese planes against Affleck and Hartnett in car. I don't really need to tell you who wins, do I?
01:39:18: I wonder if Mikey Bay took the soldiers getting shot underwater part directly from Saving Private Ryan or just edited it? Either way, Jon Voight's pissed. FDR FTW!
01:41:22: Shaky hospital camera shot makes me wonder if I have a better or worse chance of living through this movie than the soldiers.
01:44:25: B-40's can't outrun Zeroes? You want to bet on that, because Zeroes were the best planes anyone had until the end of the war. Dolan 39, Michael Bay 1.
01:46:11: Boring action sequence I'm too drunk to care about.
01:47:00: Wonder if "3 Zeroes on your 6" is a sexual reference. An ugly foresome, but a foresome nonetheless.
01:50:05: Having Affleck and Hartnett talk during this action sequence is really making it worse. That, and the fact that I can't tell if the scene is dizzy or I am from the drinking.
01:51:17: Would the Japanese really play chicken, or would they just shoot them? I hate this movie.
01:53:00: Affleck is on your ass now, Japanese pilot. Be careful, those are the last words tons of hookers hear.
01:56:49: Who cares about your boring nurse trying to fix everyone sequence? Oh shit, the ginger's fiancee died. Life really is the cruelest thing. Sometimes, the other sperm are lucky not to be chosen.
01:58:43: Good thing the government got the message out an hour after the attack started. Promptness is really unimportant in war.
02:00:44: Only Michael Bay could screw up a dying sequence.
02:02:08: Voight delivering the famous FDR speech. 3,000 American lives taken. I guess that's worth hundreds of thousands of other lives. As long as their your enemy, I guess it doesn't matter. Not like they were depleted already anyway.
02:05:00: Voight is pissed that his staff won't come up with a good plan. I agree with him, for once. Every time I see him I just think Dustin Hoffman is going to jump him like a Midnight Cowboy.
02:06:22: FDR stands from his wheelchair and says "Do Not Tell Me What Can Be Done." I really hope the LOST writers didn't get John Locke's famous line from that.
02:08:25: Hartnett and Affleck are going stateside for Doolittle's Raid. Don't know what that is? Ugh. Wiki it.
02:10:26: Affleck made a deal with God and he eventually got dissed by the G-man. Poor Ben. Now you know how your whores feel.
02:12:56: "I love you and I'll be waiting for you, with our lovechild, when you come back." Proving, once again, that all you need to do is have sex with a girl once to get her to love you.
02:15:05: Is it just me or is Hartnett's character a big douchebag for stealing Affleck's girl. If I feel in love with my best friend's girl, I'd suck it up and ignore it the best I could. Hartnett's a dick. I hate him.
02:16:40: Even Baldwin mails it in here. How could you waste that heavenly voice?
02:18:30: Baldwin's laugh makes me believe in God.
02:21:27: If you save someone's life, you get classified information. Makes me want to be a Secret Service agent.
02:22:00: I love how they wrote on the bombs "This is for Betty" and stuff like that. You know, drunk Mike Dolan sees the problem with this movie. This movie WORKS as a pure war movie. But the love scenes and dialogue just reek of day old vagina.
02:24:16: Alec Baldy's dialogue is so cheesy, it could clog an artery.
02:26:26: Alec's really doing his best but it's just bad material. It's like bad sex: at least it's still sex.
02:28:09: OH, I'd pray for you Alec. Your voice could seduce a virgin 60-year old nun.
02:30:30: Why is Doolittle's raid in the movie? This movie's too long. I am literally hammered. I'm scared to stand up.
02:32:00: Bomb. Enemy Fire. Uh-oh. Blah Blah Blah.
02:33:35: Telling a dead guy to wake up does not actually wake him up. If only.
02:35:31: They're running out of gas, but OH WAIT! There's the Japs coast. All is well, Michael Bay movie.
02:36;36: Affleck's going down on Japan. Not the first time.
02:37:54: Other American plane saves Affleck and Co. from being POW's. I'd say you owe them a bottle of Kristal. But that's just me.
02:38:33: Hartnett might be dying. STAY TUNED!
02:38:53: Affleck shot. Dreams really do come true.
02:40:02: Hartnett sacrifices himself then the Ginger absolutely fucking saves the day. Steals a gun then gernades the other two Jap officers.
02:41:00: Affleck tells Hartnett he can't die because he'll be a daddy. Reminds me of my first near death experience.
02:42:55: Ben and Co. carry Hartnett's casket off the plane in full view of their girl. Decently sad scene.
02:43:42: Cuba is the first black cross winner. Did he cry and kiss Hallee?
02:44:36: Hartnett's kid at his tombstone with Affleck and the woman. Does that girl just switch off at will? What a fucking hussie!
02:45:30: The movie ends with Affleck and his "faux" son flying off into the sunset. If only they showed the crash.
CELEBRATE! THE MOVIES' OVER!
Thank the Lord Jesus Christ, this movie is over. I'm so drunk, I may or may not take a week off from the Michael Bay segment. Plus, i hate this movie more than communism. To all my loyal readrs that actually stuck through this trying post, I salute you. Until next time, I love your souls. Good night, Chicago.
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