I'm Drawn To You

Everybody loves pretty things. Except goth kids and anarchists, but who cares about them? Not me, that's who. But I digress. Pretty things are great to look at, especially when they complete the simple, yet horrifying task of turning you on. Then you have those people who find art beautiful. Then you have nerds who think pretty things in art are beautiful. Sexy, even. I, Michael Dolan, am one of those nerds. And that's why I've decided to enlighten (correction: weird you out) you with the 7 Sexiest Foreign-Born Comic Book Characters I didn't even get the idea from the comic-book obsessed Cracked.com, which makes you wonder: what goes through someone's brain to make them think of something like this? I'll tell you: sleeping pills, tequila, and anime. At the same time.


7. Cutey Honey

Country of Origin: Where else? In a numerous amount of different media in Japan, the kings of animation (but not hotness).
Powers: Cutey Honey, by screaming "Honey Flash!", can turn into any persona of herself she wants. In other words, if she wants to be a nurse she just shouts "Honey Flash!" and she's herself if she was a nurse. She also has superhuman strength and her sword projects a beam of energy. Also, when she's changing persona's, her clothes come off, which projects most men's (uhh...in the comic book, that is) "beams" of energy. See what I did there? I'm thinking she only dates guys who are really kinky and have lots of fantasies. I mean, think about it: you'd be having sex with the same person, yet she's a different person, every time. Also, we need to move on because I'm thinking about this way too much for me to be comfortable with myself.


6. Lilith

Country of Origin: Wait until you get this: she's from Israel. She's a Jewish superhero. Now THAT you can't make up.
Powers: Little is known about Lilith since reading Hebrew gives people headaches and Mad Cow disease. All that's known is that she helps The Golem fight crime with her super strength given to her in experiments when she was young. Her official title is "Lilith, Protector of the Jewish People." Which means shes a banker. (I love Jewish humor, BTW) She also has big cans and wears very little to cover them up (I love Jewish boobs too, BTW). Her enemies include: Nazis, Palestinians, and T-shirts. My kind of girl (except for the Jewish part).

5. Infama

Country of Origin: Not surprisingly, the Canadians have to draw their hot people. Except for Nelly Furtado, she' alright. (I actually had to look up "hot Canadians" to find one. Ahh, the hot Canadian, an elusive breed)
Powers: Infama is basically a sorcerer. She has a gem in her throat that allows her to think up anything her little heart desires and make it real, as long as she can concentrate on it. Again, something that could be useful in the bedroom (or wherever else you can imagine with her!). The gem also builds up her physical abilities, such as stamina, flexibility, power, heat generation, soft wet lips, and....I'm going to stop before you stop reading, I'm clearly talking about things she could use during sex. Back to her powers. In the comic, she's naked alot. So is her arch-enemy (Infama is the villain) Sinnamon, who is also way hot (for a comic book character, I have to keep saying it so I might believe it). But we'll see her later. I mean, you just got love the boots that span half her leg and the leather that (presumably) covers her up. Other than that, she can work her magic on me anytime.

4. Sinnamon

Country of Origin: Canada, which is surprisingly pretty slutty. Need me a trip to Toronto.
Powers: Besides being a professional superhero, Sinnamon is practically wearing no clothes. I've seen porn where people had more clothes on. Besides that, she can fly, has super-strength, and uses "force blasts" as her main weapon, which I'm sure has to do with sex in some way. She often fights against our previous super-villian/fake hottie, Infama. One of her other "special" powers is invulnerability. Now, I'm not quite sure what that means, but I'm thinking it means she nothing can get into her body at all. Which is a shame, because she looks very horny. Little else is known about Sinnamon, except what she looks like naked. (see: very nice)

3. Velta

Country of Origin: I will present you with this argument: Brazil has the hottest women per capita, real or otherwise.
Powers: Ms. Velta here can transform into a 7 foot Amazonian woman, which doesn't SOUND that hot, but you aren't me and everybody's different damnit. Besides that, her skin is resistant to heat, she can heal instantly (kind of like that other blonde chick from "Heroes"), and is completely immune to disease. That's not the best thing about this sex P.I., oh no. Velta can fire blasts of light, electricity, or other forces out of any part of her body. Oh yes, you know what I'm thinking. Or DO you? (yeah, you do) Be careful though, boys. She's not in the game for justice, she's in it for pure excitement and money. So, I'm not saying she's a gold digger....but she ain't hanging with no broke espanolas (cue Jaime Foxx's high pitched lyrics). Superhero Velta does have a boyfriend named Gilberto in the comics but....well, it only takes a few Cuba Libres and a shot of tequila to get her out of that. (Brazilians are slutty)

2. Pyre-Anna

Country of Origin: Again, Canada? Really? They have to have some sort of inferiority complex. I just can't think of another reason why they have so many slutty, hot comic book characters. I mean, could they even fight crime like that in Canada? It's fucking freezing up there.
Powers: Wow! Pyre-Anna is smokin'! Besides being a pun waiting to happen, Pyre-Anna can generate heat and fire from her hands, which would be useful in battle, but not if your getting a handjob from her. She also is immune to heat and has razor sharp teeth, making a blowjob from her even more terrifying than a handjob. How did she get these magical powers, you ask (or even if you don't)? By brushing her teeth with tainted toothpaste! Always check the labels, kids! Pyre-Anna is Sinnamon's and an ice sculpter's worst enemy. Throughout all this, even her yellow, jaundiced-like eyes are somehow appealing. The only concern one would have about getting "involved" with her would be being able to tell if you were feeling like you were on fire while engaging in naughty activities or if you were actually, you know, on fire. 'Cause that would burn even more than gonorrhea.

1. Mirza

Country of Origin: What's in the water down there in Brazil? Not fish, because over-fishing is one of the biggest problems they have down there! [citation needed]
Powers: Mirza here is a vampire (or is it vampiress?) of ultra-hot proportions. She is also a top-model and a member of high-society. In the comic book. She's an immigrant from what sounds like a Russian or like country, born in the 7th century. Imagine the experience! In vampiring, I mean. She's had to pick up all SORTS of tricks throughout her years. Maybe it's just me (it definitely is), but the thought of her moving in on your neck, not knowing if she's going to kiss you or suck your blood....that's hot. All she does in Brazil is seducing men, women, and whoever (whomever? when do you use whomever? is that actually even a word?) crosses her ultra-hot path. I'm actually not quite sure what the comic book is about. This sounds like a porn that tries to have a clever plot. Whatever, its fine with me. It's probably just my opinion on this, but there is NOTHING hotter than a hot vampire. And if you get bitten and transformed into a vampire? Well, my friends, that's just more time you get to have blood-thirsty sex with Mirza. An ETERNITY! Why don't I live in Brazil again, Subconcious of Self? "Because she's fake and if you moved to Brazil you'd be mugged, killed, and raped, in that order, within a month."
Oh, yeah.

Well, I bet you guys weren't expecting that for a topic! Don't ask me how I came up with this idea or what is wrong with my brain for continually mentioning having sex with comic book characters throughout this blog. Truth is, I don't know. But I've got as good a chance of having sex with one of these characters as I do with Nastia Liukin. Which is .001%, if that. (Cue Jim Carrey: "So your saying there's a chance!") Anyways, I've had enough comics and blogging for today. So let's go out on a Brazilian saying "aqui está comediante canadense Jon Lajoie!"

The 2009 Oscar Predix

You know it. You love it. It needs no introduction. (Well, except for this little thing) These are the 2009 Oscar Predictions. Get ready. For the noise.

Best Supporting Actress
The Favorites: In a relatively weak category every year, its more of the same this year. My favs are Penelope Cruz for Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Viola Davis for the stage-to-screen adaptation of Doubt (its about a priest pedo!).
In the Middle of the Pack: Marisa Tomei (yeah, she's still alive) is getting pretty good reviews for Darren Aronofsky's (Requiem for a Dream) "The Wrestler." Also big-woman extrordinaire Kathy Bates (if she gets any screen time) in Kate and Leo's reunion in "Revolutionary Road."
Upset Special: I don't know but I hear good things from Vera Farminga in "Nothing but the Truth" and ("Yup, She's Alive!" Alert!) Kim Basinger for The Burning Plain, two films I know nothing about.
The Nom's: Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona), Viola Davis (Doubt), Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler), Vera Farmina (Nothing But the Truth), Kathy Bates (Revolutionary Road)
The Winner: From what I hear about the play, the few scenes Davis has in "Doubt" should win her the trophy. Viola Davis, for the win.

Best Supporting Actor
The Favorites: Well, obviously there's Heath Ledger for TDK who is more of a lock than Brinks Home Security. Martin Sheen in another stage-to-screen adaptation "Frost/Nixon" should get a nom, as it's a pretty baity role and he got snubbed for playing Tony Blair in "The Queen."
In the Middle of the Pack: For one, you have Josh Brolin for the Sean Penn Show "Milk" about the first gay senator to get elected. Then you got John Malkovich in the Angelina Jolie Show "Changeling" which you've probably heard about. Not on the list? Zac Efron for High School Musical 3. Who will hopefully be dead by the time this is published.
Upset Special: After last year's god-awful snub for "Into the Wild" watch out for Emilie (is it pronounced Emily or Eh-meal?). Also be careful to watch out for either Liev Schreiber or Jamie Bell in the "I'm really excited to see and it better not suck" film "Defiance".
The Nom's: Heath Ledger (TDK), Martin Sheen (Frost/Nixon), John Malkovich (Changeling), Josh Brolin (Milk), Jamie Bell (Defiance)
The Winner: Let's be honest, the other four should be happy to be nominated. I'd bet my car that Ledger takes this home. Oh, wait. Is buried with it? Too soon?

Best Actress
The Favorites: Angelina Jolie is pretty much a lock for her "The Academy Eats this shit up" role in Eastwood's "Changeling." Meryl Streep in, what looks like a winner, "Doubt" playing a nun? Check. And Kate Winslet with Leo has her "anchor" in "Revolutionary Road"? Yeah, those 3 are in like gin in my tonic.
In the Middle of the Pack: Sally Hawkins is getting good press for "Happy Go Lucky", so she could get a nom if she's....lucky. Also, Disney Princess Anne Hatheway is getting great press from her "addicts win statues" role in "Rachel Getting Married."
Upset Special: I don't see much possibility for one but if I had to pick someone it'd be Vannesa Anne Hudgens for High School Musical 3. Ha, sorry. I was kidding to the highest degree. Emily Blunt is a possibility for "The Young Victoria" but it matters little this year.
The Nom's: Angelina (Changeling), Meryl Streep (Doubt), Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road), Sally Hawkins (Happy Go Lucky), Anne Hatheway (Rachel Getting Married)
The Winner: I'd say its between Streep and Angelina for the top honors and with Angie's role being more of an academy-friendly role and more of a central character, I'd think they'll give it to Angie.

Best Actor
The Favorites: Sean Penn playing a gay senator in "Milk" = lock. Note: playing an addict, a gay, a retard, or historical figure in a bio-pic increases your chances of getting nominated tenfold. Frank Langella for playing the infamous "Tricky Dick" Nixon in Frost/Nixon. See: note above.
In the Middle of the Pack: Leo DiCaprio for his long awaited reunion with Kate in "Revolutionary Road" will probably pick up a nom. The Academy loves him. I think. Also, I'm really grappling with Aronofsky's "The Wrestler" and its star, Mickey Rourke is getting raves.
Upset Special: Depending on David Fincher's "Benjamin Button", Brad Pitt could sneak in here. Also look out for Phillip Seymour Hoffman for his role as a pedo-priest (read: a priest) in "Doubt". The Academy wants his acting babies.
The Nom's: Sean Penn (Milk), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Leo (Revolutionary Road), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)
The Winner: It really depends on how good The Wrestler really is and how well Langella can pull off Trick Dick. If either are less than spectacular, Sean Penn takes it for "Milk". Go gay for an Oscar. That's so baity Sean.

Best Director
The Favorites: Right now, there's no clear favorites but I'll give you my top 2 at the moment. I think the Academy will be eager to nominate David Fincher for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and it looks like the film has the star power (Pitt and Blanchett) to get it done. Also, with the subject matter and Penn's star power, Gus Van Sant has a real chance to "Milk" the Oscars for all they are worth.
In the Middle of the Pack: After his snub for "Moulin Rouge" back in the day, "Australia" looks like a film that Baz Luhrmann may get a nom for, as it looks like it was a tough shoot. The Academy loves Clint and they love Ron Howard, so look out for them in "Changeling" and "Frost/Nixon", respectively.
Upset Special: With no lock in this category, there's bound to be a surprise or two. Chris Nolan for The Dark Knight could very easily happen. So could Sam Mendes for "Revolutionary Road" or dare I say a Davidson-like upset for "The Wrestler"'s Darren Aronofsky (here's hoping).
The Nom's: David Fincher (Benjamin Button), Gus Van Sant (Milk), Baz Luhrmann (Australia), Clint Eastwood (Changeling), Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight)
The Winner: I honestly do not have the faintest clue as to who will win this race. I'd love for Chris Nolan to win (at least out of that field) or even David Fincher (he of "Fight Club", "Zodiac", and "Seven"). So I'll go with Fincher because I think, out of those films, "Benjamin Button" has the chance to be the best.

BEST PICTURE
The Favorites: Sean Penn's "Milk' is my only sure thing at the moment. Even that though could have a few hiccups down the stretch. Also, "The Dark Knight" is probably going to get in. It's just too big a film for the Academy not to vote for.
In the Middle of the Pack: Leo and Kate could get a best pic nom for "Revolutionary Road." There's a possibility that "Curious Case of Benjamin Button" could very well sneak in with a nom, but it might not be the Academy's cup o' tea. Other than that, I'm stumped.
Upset Special: Anything from Aronofsky's "The Wrestler, "Australia" from Baz, Howard's "Frost/Nixon", "Doubt," or even Clint's "Changeling" could make it to the top spot. But what you really should be looking at is Danny Boyle, he of "Trainspotting" and "28 Days Later...", and his film "Slumdog Millionaire." It would have to be a major upset for it to make it, but it could make a few waves, as it looks very heartwarming and is based on a true story of redemption and hope, which always gives a film a boost. (see: Shawshank)
The Nom's: Milk, The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Winner: It really all depends on how good/bad all these films actually are but right now, the film with the best buzz and best subject matter the academy will go for is "Milk". So that's my pick. FOR NOW....


That's it for this year's predix. Hope you enjoyed the look at this year's movies. Next up will be a more serious, historical blogging that you may enjoy. Stay hungry for it (hint: that's a hint). Until then, Ik zal u spoedig zien!

Cumming Out Party

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Flirt With Perfection and She'll Give You a Fake Number

With the recent disappointment the baseball gods have decided to place at the front door of Wrigley Field, I'm compelled to write about tragedy. Like pure tragedy. Sometimes the closer we come to perfection, the more it hurts when we don't reach it. So, today we'll talk about near-perfection that ended in tragedy. Here are the 6 Near Perfect Games that Ended in Tragedy. Keep in mind: the baseball gods are cruel for reasons unknown. Don't piss them off.

6. Dick Bosman
Game: On July 19, 1974, Bosman's Cleveland Indians faced the Oakland A's.
Tragedy: Bosman holds the dubious honor of being the only pitcher to pitch a no-hitter and have the only base runner reach on an error by themselves. In the 4th inning, Bosman fielded a soft grounder and made a bad throw to first, giving Oakland their only base runner of the day. Even though the hotheaded Bosman pitched a no-hitter, he could have achieved baseball immortality if not for the miscue.
Compare It! It's like getting a big job promotion then going out after work for a few drinks, falling, and breaking your collar bone. You still got the job but you also gotta walk around with that cast on, fuckface. Sorry. This blog might get vulgar, I'm still a little bitter about the Cubs.

5. Terry Mulholland
Game: On August 5, 1990, Mulholand's Phillies faced the Giants at that craphole Veterans Stadium.
Tragedy: Mulholland pitched one hell of a game at the Vet that day. Mulholland got his no-hitter, facing the minimum 27 batters, becoming the man with the best mustache in the history of no-hitters. However, he was oh-so-close to a perfect game. Mulholland's third baseman, Charlie Hayes, made a throwing error, with the next batter grounding into a double play. Mulholland's shot at immortality was taken away in that moment, but Hayes atoned later on in the game when he made a diving catch on the final out to at least preserve the no-hitter. Still, how bad does that fucker feel? Probably as bad as the guy who let O.J. go on trial for those murders. Or that girl after wrongly accusing Kobe. Terrible people.
Compare It! Kinda like you're close to going all the way with a girl you really like and having your best friend sleep with her first, then subsequently marrying her anyway. You may have got the better of the deal there but.....he still fucked you.


4. Mike Mussina
Game: On September 2, 2001, Mussina pitched for the Yankees against the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park.
Tragedy: Mussina might be the unluckiest pitcher out there. Only 17 times in MLB history has a pitcher pitched a perfect game, retiring all 27 batters in a row. Two times before Mussina came close. In 1997, Mussina got through 25 before giving up a single. A year later, he got through 23 batters before giving up a hit. On this Sunday Night, Primetime ESPN game, Mussina got through the first 8 innings no problem, no base runners at all. Mussina then retired the first 2 batters of the inning, before Carl Everett pinch-hit as the 27th batter. On a 1-2 pitch, Everett hit a bloop single to left-center field that Mussina probably sees in his nightmares. Makes you wonder if Mussina pisses in his teammates shoes and kills babies on the side, as the baseball gods have been less than kind to him.
Compare It! Mussina's near-perfecto was like finally bagging the girl you've always dreamed of sleeping with, then having her very large, very angry boyfriend walk in just as you're about to get her underwear off. OUCH!

3. Ernie Shore
Game: On June 23, 1917, Shore's Boston Red Sox faced off against the Washington Senators in the first game of a doubleheader at Fenway.
Tragedy: Well, the first game of the doubleheader at Fenway started off interesting enough. Babe Ruth took the mound and walked the first better. Babe Ruth got ejected for arguing with the umpire, the hitting him in the face (no lie), and got his catcher ejected. Ernie Shore then came in to relieve him (that's NOT a bathroom joke) and retired all 26 batters he faced (the other out was the batter Ruth walked getting caught stealing) giving baseball a dilemma: did Shore pitch a perfect game? Nope, since a runner reached base against Ruth, it's not a perfect game, just a COMBINED NO-HITTER. Wow, how bitch is that? It sucks for Shore but it has to be the correct call here since, if that batter wasn't walked, who knows what would have happened. I wonder what would have happened to Ruth today had he hit an umpire? How long is THAT suspension?
Compare It! Spending all day in the kitchen making an excellent dinner for you and your family, having your spouse come in and claim to your kids that they helped, even though they didn't do jack shit. You know what? The next time they want to give themselves credit for making dinner, they CAN COOK IT THEMSELVES GOD DAMNIT!

2. Pedro Martinez
Game: On June 3rd, 1995, Pedro's Montreal Expos took on the San Diego Padres in San Diego
Tragedy: Pedro pitched about as well as you can pitch without getting that perfect game. You see, rarely does a team not score throughout 9 innings. In fact, it only happened to the Cubs once this entire season. Well, Pedro didn't give up anything for 9 innings. Not a single, solitary base runner. To repay his excellence, his team also did not score for 9 innings. So Pedro Martinez went to the 10th inning with a perfect game, the Expos scored a run in the top of the inning and Pedro gave up a lead off double. To further clarify an even more ridiculous story, Pedro had a perfect game going much earlier in his career against the Reds. In the 8th inning, Martinez hit Reggie Sanders with a pitch. Sanders CHARGED THE MOUND, since he though Pedro was throwing at him in the 8th inning of a close game with a perfect game going. Reggie Sanders, you get the idiot of the century award! Congratulations! Pedro gave up a hit in the 9th to end the no-no, but not without getting hit in the face in the previous inning.
Compare It! It's like going to your favorite bands concert after spending a great deal of money on the tickets, leaving after the encore, and having them play your favorite song during the second encore. You sir, just got fucked. Not in a Dirk Diggler sort of way either.

1. Harvey Haddix
Game: On May 26, 1959, Haddix's (Haddix' or Haddixs'??) Pittsburgh Pirates took on the Milwaukee Braves in Milwaukee.
Tragedy: Anytime someone you loves dies, remember Harvey Haddix. His tragedy may not be involved with death, but he perhaps pitched the greatest game in MLB history and didn't even get a win. In fact, he got a loss. On a fateful day in the horrible city of Milwaukee, Haddix threw 9 perfect innings but his team failed to score. Then 10. Then 11. Then 12. Haddix went into the 13TH INNING with a perfect game. That's 36 batters in a row without a base runner, which felt like the Cubs playoff run to an extent. Then in the 13th inning his team didn't score. Haddix went out there, probably after 196 pitches or something, and got a ground ball that was misplayed for an error, followed by a sac bunt for the 1st out. Then an intentional walk. Then a home run, from HANK AARON no less. (The homer was later ruled a double since he passed his teammate on the bases, making the final score 1-0 instead of 3-0) Perfect game, no hitter, shutout, win....all lost in three batters. Haddix is credited with a 12 and 2/3 inning one hit loss against the team that had won the NL Pennant the year before. To further fuck with Haddix, a Milwaukee player came out in 1993, admitting to stealing signs from the Pirates catcher that day from the bullpen. Haddix was a 2 pitch pitcher and the Braves STILL DIDN'T GET A HIT, even though they KNEW WHAT WAS COMING! To perfectly surmise Haddix's fate, a fraternity sent him a letter saying "Dear Harvey, Tough shit." Haddix was mad until "I realized they were right. That's exactly what it was."
Compare It! Compare it? How? Maybe dying of 6 different cancers at once, getting sent to hell, then raped by Hitler for eternity while he screams "GO CARDINALS!!!!" over and over and over and BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew, sorry.
Well, tragedy must happen for a reason. I think. Well, I hope. Hopefully tragedies occur so that we can learn from them. One thing we learned: Kosuke Fukudome is not a major leaguer anymore. Also, maybe there's no such thing as perfection. It's hard to just be good, nevertheless perfect. So instead of ranting on about the trivialities of life, I'm going to salute those who try to live their lives as close to perfection, not for themselves, but for the people around them. Maybe that's what makes a perfect game so special. It takes a bunch of people around you to be perfect, you can't do it by yourself. Maybe we could all learn from this simple baseball allegory: you can't be perfect alone but with the right people around you, you can be. Slán leat, mo chairde!

Come Out of There!

You, like me, have no doubt been distracted by the MLB playoffs and the Cubs Game 1 and Game 2 losses. Well, this blog has nothing to do with it. I thought it would be helpful to vent over an array of racism and gay jokes, the mere extent of my vast intellectual prowess. Just kidding. I'm way smarter than that. But I do feel like insulting people today. Because I'm angry. So, today, I'm going to insult the 6 Celebrities Who Are So Gay they Don't Even Know It. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, you know, don't deny it. Neil Patrick Harris came out and he still would rock your soul. That's a nice segue into my next point: NPH kicks ass.

6. Troy Aikin'Forman
Hetero Name: Troy Aikman, Hall of Famer QB from the Dallas Cowboys and now the butt puppet of Joe Buck during NFL games on FOX.
So, Wait...He's Gay? You better believe it. Just ask former Redskin great and current Bear mediocre-er Brandon Lloyd, who said on the radio that Aikman wasn't "man enough to admit his personal life situation as a player." Even sportswriter Skip Bayless wrote that Aikman might be gay in his book "Hell Bent." Aikman is married, presumably, to a woman and has three kids. His wife, however, is a publicist and married him for the money, with the condition she squash all gay rumors. Genius plan if you ask me. He also works with Joe Buck, did I mention that? Buck's probably gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Video Evidence: Calling the Bears defensive line "cunt's". "This offensive line does a great job of picking up the blitzes and cunts."


5. Eliajh "Likes" Wood
Hetero Name: Elijah Wood, actor in films such as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Flipper."
So, Wait...He's Gay? Well, to start, he was hobbit. Wood once said the rumors about him being gay were "funny." Funny, huh? Well every joke has some bit of truth to it. Wood was once seen at a gay bar in West Hollywood and at Sundance dancing to Madonna and Beyonce tunes. There were rumors linking him to Aaron Carter, which is more than a little disturbing. It's been said by elijahwoodisveryverygay.com that Elijah has many common gay characteristics, including his stature, voice, and love of dick. I'll take their word for it. Also, he was a hobbit.
Photographic Proof:

4. Condoleezza "Tastes The" Rice
Hetero Name: Current US Secretary of State and eternal failure Condi Rice.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, Condi's a little carpet muncher. I have my gay sources (various internet websites) that tell me "Condi's totally thought of as a lesbian in the gay community." Lesbian rumors even ruined her chance of becoming the GOP's Vice President. A woman Senator once said on the Senate floor that Condi would never have children so she wouldn't know what it's like to lose a son or daughter. Ouch, that's harsh even if she is a lesbian. Rice's best male friend is a gay Harvard professor and her best female friend is named Randy , who is not married and never has stated her sexual orientation. Rice and Randy Bean (Rice and Bean. You can't make that shit up. Well, you could, it's just funnier when its true) even share a house and a line of credit together. If that's not enough proof, her cell phone ringer is "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
Photographic Proof: "Sir, the penis is a small and disgusting abomination!"


3. John "Saturgay Night Fever" Travolta-ta
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and renowned disco dancer John Travolta.
So, Wait...He's Gay? As sure as every John Travolta movie of the last 15 years has sucked, he's gay. I mean, he dressed up as a chick for "Hairspray." Either you don't dress up as a woman for a month straight, you win an Oscar, or you are gay, sir. Travolta may be married to Kelly Preston but taht means about nothing to me. Not that any gay man would sleep with for any reason except money. That's not the point. He has his own plane, he's been seen getting a little too busy with men before. Poor Johnny's just in a bit of denial. Like steriods, people just want you to admit it and they'll understand. But denial is the kiss of death (not literally John). So get over it and embrace your real Saturday Night Fever: penis. Lots of it.
Photographic Proof: "What?! All Guys do this, I was just saying goodbye!"


2. Tom "Pleasure" Cruise
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and baby killer Tom Cruise.
So, Wait...He's Gay? Cruise has sued 4 different magazines/publication for alleging he was gay. Gay porn actor Chad Slator once said that he and Cruise had a sexual relationship, in which Cruise was the woman. Photographer Mike Davis once claimed he had a video that would prove Cruise's homosexuality but they settled out of court. Cruise also had that feminine outburst on Oprah, probably to convince people he was straight. Well, I'm not buying it Tommy Boy. As far as I'm concerned, Tom is Eternally Raping Katie Holmes. Harsh language? The truth hurts, my friend. Nothing more than friends though, Tom. I'm not into that.
Tons of Proof: Apparently, Tom's admitted it before. WHERE WAS THE MEDIA?!


1. Oprah Gayle Winfrey
Hetero Name: Ironically, that is her real name up there.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, believe it sister. She was raped when younger, which probably turned her off from men. She dated Roger Ebert after that, which probably turned her off much, much more. She also had a baby at 14, which died shortly. Oprah's been through a lot of bad men. She's still unmarried and single, but her best friend, single woman Gayle King and her acted as Ellen DeGeneres' therapist when she came out on her show. Oprah even said "How can you be this close without it being sexual?" Hmm, maybe if you aren't having sex. Oprah's an older, single, powerful, black, gay woman. There's just no reaching around it. Or isssss there?
Some Proof For Ya: Look at them. Awwww, they look so cute together!


More:



Well, I had to get my money's worth on that last one because I'll probably have my blog shut down and be faced with 3 different high profile lawsuits for slander. Whatever, it was worth it. I hope you enjoyed this version of my opinion. I'll try and do something a little less offensive next time. Not too unoffensive though. I wouldn't do that to you. If you enjoy watch gay people get victimized by random people on the street, then this video's for you. Until next time, Fuck You Manny Ramirez!