Eat All Your Veggies or There's No Cocktails or TV for You!

As you know form reading this blog, I love TV and Movies. I'm a sucker for anything booze, obviously. So today, without too much of an introduction, I'm going to get straight into TV. I've done the best TV bars already, so obviously that's out. What shows have the highest alcohol content? LET'S FIND OUT! Here are the 6 Biggest Alcoholic TV Shows. We'll keep it current.

6. How I Met Your Mother
Alcoholic Characters: Ted, Barney, Marshall, and Robin. (No, I'm not forgetting Lilly)
Main Imbibes: Beer, Wine, and Scotch
Appropriate Alcoholism: Every episode of HIMYM has at LEAST one scene in a bar, if not many more. They drink every episode and more often than not, the characters often use the bar as a safe haven. They are people (like me) who don't know anywhere else to go to have fun but a bar. I swear Ted gets drunk almost 1 out of 4 episodes and the rest hide it well. Does it work? Sure, in the context of the story. But that doesn't mean they aren't alcoholics.

5. Family Guy
Alcoholic Characters: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe.
Main Imbibes: Beer and Martini's.
Appropriate Alcoholism: Peter Griffin and friends (especially Brian) feature a wide variety of alcoholic tendencies. Now before you shoot me for not including Homer Simpson instead, just know that at least these guys are functional alcoholics. Quarmire's still getting laid, Joe's in a chair, Brian's a dog, and Peter's retarded. Cleveland's black in the suburbs, which is more than enough reason to drink. Their drinking makes the show a lot funnier. What's better than a drunk dog? Not much. Except a drunk baby.

4. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations
Alcoholic Characters: Anthony Bourdain
Main Imbibes: Beer or whatever speciality is relative to the country he's in.
Appropriate Alcoholism: The Travel Channel's most popular show about a former cook, traveling to exotic destinations and sampling their food and drink, is quite entertaining. But Bourdain, a self-proclaimed over-imbiber, is drunk in almost every episode. Hey, when you're on vacation, right? That's how it must feel for him. When he's in Greece, they shove Ouzo in his face, in Russia, vodka, and so on and so forth. The Travel Channel's Iron Man seemingly is never hungover or is a freak of nature but he gets it done. It's almost impossible to say how much he actually drinks, but the show glorifies his boozy nature, so it's hard to doubt that he's less of an alcoholic than the first guy to stand up at an AA meeting.

3. The Real World
Alcoholic Characters; Everyone but the cameramen.
Main Imbibes: Everything but the mixers.
Appropriate Alcoholism: I really don't watch this show. All I really know is that MTV pours booze down the guests throats every single episode. I'm entirely convinced that most reality shows do this very same thing. People are much more interesting when they are drunk, their is no doubt. This show, on it's like 26 season or something, invented the technique. Get people drunk, make them live together, and film it. It's a very simple formula that led to the evolution of reality TV. So if you want to blame anything, blame The Real World and MTV for the Reality TV explosion. The Real World has always thrived on drama and there's nothing like margaritas to get a little drama started. By the way, this show sucks.

2. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Alcoholic Characters: Dennis, Dee, Charlie, Mac, and Frank
Main Imbibes: Beer
Appropriate Alcoholism: There's nothing "appropriate" about the alcoholism on this show. But that's what makes it great. These guys own a bar and it seems like they drink more of their alcohol than their customers do. One has had a heart attack, one has been forced to join A.A., and there is excessive drinking at least once an episode, including children. Their hijinks are fueled by alcohol and stupidity, which might just be one in same. The best moments in the show take place in a bar or while the characters are messed up. The show is simple. Four vain, stupid borderline alcoholics own a dive bar. What else possibly COULD happen?

1. Mad Men
Alcoholic Characrers: Don Draper, Don Sterling, Freddy Rumson, Duck Phillips, Ken Cosgrove, Harry Crane, Sal Ramono, and most everyone that appears.
Main Imbibes: Basically anything but beer.
Appropriate Alcoholism: Every scene, every character, every man, woman, and the occasional child is drinking and smoking during every single episode of this show. Close an account? Pour a scotch. About to get off work? Meet at a bar in 10 minutes. Eating dinner? Pour yourself a glass of wine or beer. The 1950's were surely an era to booze and booze and then go and booze some more, provided you didn't vomit. This show, which you haven't seen I presume, is so brilliant in it's portrayal of America's "lost" decade. Think about it There were the Roaring 20's, the 30's and 40's were defined by war, the 60's and 70's both had their own identity, as did the 80's and 90's. Nothing THAT special happened in the 1950's. Mad Men does an amazing job of showing the people that were selling the decade that most have since forgotten. While they were drunk.
(P.S. If you haven't caught the show, you should start watching. But you must start from the beginning.)

There you have it, my first real list in a while. I hope you enjoyed it. Drinking is becoming more and more common, at least it seems, in movies and television. It seems kind of contradictory though. Back before the 70's, drinking and drugs were so faux paus in TV and Film, while people were getting drunk and high in reality like it was nobodies business. Now, drink and drug use is so much more common in film and TV, while people in reality see it as much more of a social faux paus. The world is a funny place. And hopefully this blog entertained you a little, teeny bit today. Until I see you next time, bienvenue an boneur!

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Armageddon

It's Monday and it's back to doing what I love: getting drunk and watching movies. So as we continue in our drunken run-through of all Michael Bay's amateur violence porn, we move on to a disaster movie. If anyone can make the world end on camera, it's Michael Bay. So we turn our attention to 1998's Armageddon. Can we save the world? Will there be even MORE explosions than usual? Will the 2 hour, 30 minute run time cause me to pass out in a pool of vomit and shame? Let's find out! Part 3 in my "Drunken Real Time MIchael Bay Reviews: Armageddon."


00:00:00: Drink of the Movie: Whiskey and Pepsi. The Good Shit. I'm also eating Cap'n Crunch on the side because I haven't ate today and this is a long-ass movie. So long, in fact, that I might die from a brain hemorrhage due to alcohol intake mixed with excessive explosions and cliche one liners. Let's go save the world!

00:01:13: As I get to introduced to a history lesson, along with a visual of Earth getting destroyed, I start to wish I was a dinosaur.

00:02:55: What's a buffalo nickel and why does Billy Bob want to give an astronaut one?

00:03:32: Astronaut gets mauled by a small astroid. Put that buffalo nickel in his kids college fund.

00:04:37: Billy Bob asks a peon to wake up 11,000 people by phone. Seems like a silly request.

00:05:48: Eddie Griffin playing a homeless, retarded black guy = fitting.

00:06:45: Fat Hawaiian selling Godzilla dolls gets hit by an astroid, but the cute dog survives. How come people are more expendable in movie than animals?

00:08:30: Why is it that New York is always destroyed in disaster movies? Maybe the astroids would have landed in Salt Lake City or Omaha, Mr. Bay.

00:09:26: Twin Towers on fire. I knew Michael Bay did it.

00:11:30: 18 Days til the rock hits Earth followed by Bruce Willis hitting golf balls at protesters. Personally, I think he's not coming far enough through on his back swing.

00:13:48: Bruce catches Affleck sleeping with his daughter. You're not the first father, Bruce.

00:15:41: Bruce is now shooting at Ben. Hi-lar-i-ous.

00:18:09: Steve Buscemi taught Liv Tyler how to use tampons. I mean.........ugh.

00:20:21: The camera's moving so fast I CAN"T TELL WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!

00:22:41: Bruce HATES being apologized to.

00:24:30: Why is religious fanatics and mass hysteria the worst part of the Bible? Seems like the most interesting to me.

00:26:26: NASA does NOT have a back up plan. Mine? Go on an 18 day bender.

00:27:56: Montage of the government tracking down Willis' crew to a catchy pop song. There are no winners.

00:30:08: Ben Affleck can't count.

00:31:11: Who would say no to saving the world? Imagine the tail you'd get afterwards.

00:32:40: Requests for the drillers in regards to their saving the world: could've been funny but was incredibly, incredibly lame.

00:35:02: Steve Buscemi is the best part of this movie. I think he needs more comedic roles. Or just roles, in general.

00:36:11: I hate Ben Affleck.

00:37:09: "The Wrong Stuff." First cliche joke? Check Check Check.

00:38:06: Hot NASA pilot. I'd kill to bag a hot astronaut. Or just a girl astronaut.

00:39:59: What are you doing in this movie Owen Wilson? Go away.

00:40:36: Hot NASA pilot is also commanding. Color me red with...hornyness?

00:42:01: Billy Bob: more believable as a NASA Chief or Sling Blade?

00:44:05: Cue sappy Aerosmith song to Liv and Ben making out. Wonder if the guy singing knows Ben Affleck's screwing his daughter. Also, is it weird that Bruce is mad as her dad in the movie but her real dad is singing about her getting doinked?

00:46:42: Underwater simulation. It lasts longer when you're underwater. At least that's what I hear.

00:47:55: Affleck blows his load too early. I've also heard that.

00:49:40: Montage of Willis crews' free time away from NASA. And OH! Cue Aerosmith x2.

00:51:25: Affleck pretends he's on Animal Planet and it actually works as a seduction technique. Cue Aerosmith x3.

00:53:00: Emotional moment between deadbeat dad and kid who doesn't know he's his dad touches me. It's probably just the whiskey though.

00:53:53: Scene I don't remember between Bruce and his Dad, who's clearly dying. Doesn't get me at all.

00:55:21: Why don't you buy yourself a neck, Mr. Clean? Love it.

00:56:17: Astroid hits China. Chinese leaders say "Hey, less mouths to feed."

00:59:38: Willis promises Liv he'll be back. A man's only as good as the lies he tells his daughter, Bruce.

01:01:05: Affleck starts a sing-a-long to Leavin on a Jet Plane. Stick to acting in movies that I don't have to watch Ben.

01:02:48: Is the President the same as the one from The Rock? He sure does know how to give an uninspirational inspirational speech!

01:05:06: Oh, Ben. Don't you know you've already disappointed us all?

01:06:05: Owen, you were hired for comic relief. Yet the only thing funny is Steve Buscemi and Ben Affleck's "acting."

01:08:15: When you're drunk, repetitive instrumental music gets unbelievably obnoxious.

01:09:50: Owen Wilson's dialogue makes me want another drink. But the movies not even half over. Fuck. My. Life.

01:11:39: Docked with Russian Space Station. Cliche Russian on board. He is NOT "gas stahhhhtion."

01:13:52: Sensing that there will be problems with defective Russian equipment.

01:15:23: My spidey-sense is correct. Fire, ice, and sparks are flying around like it's a Michael Bay movie.

01:16:10: Sometimes when you hear lines like "He (Ben Affleck) is stuck in the fuel pod," you wish it was real life.

01:17:16: Do things really take this long to blow up?

01:19:22: Ben and the Russian just make it in by the hair of that fuzzy shit on the edge of what he calls a chin.

01:20:30: Something about "Going 9 and a half G's for 11 minutes to slingshot around the moon" doesn't sound natural.

01:22:42: Asteroid sort of resembles mother ship from Independence Day. Or maybe I just wished it looked like that.

01:23:49: Wondering why they're surprised about flying into an asteroid and taking debris.

01:25:16: One of the shuttles goes down but it feels like I'm the one taking debris at this point.

01:27:00: Bruce and Co. land on icicle planet.

01:28:46: Liv doesn't have anywhere else to go. 100 N Stevenson, Mt. Prospect, IL. Mapquest it and give me a ring.

01:30:34: Ben tries to cries. That belongs on Failblog.com.

01:31:52: No, Steve Buscemi, Dr. Seuss' worst nightmare is having Michael Bay adapt one of his books.

01:33:43: Russian, Black Guy, and Ben Affleck. I smell sitcommmmmmmm!

01:35:54: Massive drill fail. Affleck suggests, in his head, that they drill with his penis.

01:39:12: NASA's biggest mistake is either Bruce Willis' crew or lending their name to this movie.

01:41:33: Remote detonate? Is the president retarded? NASA is smarter than the guys you fought in 'Nam with.

01:42:58: Steve Buscemi's not even supposed to be here today!

01:43:39: Nuclear weapon clock: ticking! NASA has Overridden the Override! WHOA!

01:46:27: Bruce swears to God he'll make 800 feet. God yawns. Bomb is diffused. Good job!

01:47:30: It also sucks down here, fat drill guy.

01:48:57: Russian has never seen Star Wars. God, Russia sucks.

01:51:56: The Threesome of Lost Souls is drifting out into space. Russian goes OUTSIDE and absolutely fixes the shit out of the rover thinger. If only he could fix the economy like that.

01:53:55: Buscemi's starting to get space dementia and machine guns the asteroid. First, why is there a machine gun? Second, Space Dementia is a good song by Muse. Third, the asteroid is parting like it's a movie set being pulled apart!

01:55:36: Fat astronaut is now deceased. Pigs and cows rejoice all over.

01:56:44: World montage of everyone learning of massive failure. Why aren't people getting drunk and screwing?

01:57:25: Astroid destroys Paris. World fakes sympathy.

01:58:00: Liv gets pissed and pulls Billy Bob down while he thinks, "Hey, you kinda remind me of Angelina..."

01:59:01: Dramatic reunion and Bruce gets so excited he forgets how to count.

02:00:03: Buscemi is tied up to prevent further shenangians. Usually that's how you START shenanigans.

2:01:28: 800 Feet! They reached the arbitrary depth!

2:02:07: Bruce has a bent pipe jammed in a hole. Do with that what you will.

2:02:49: The asteroid has become self-aware! Call Skynet!

2:04:00: Asteroid kills another guy that they really didn't introduce. I feel wasted.

2:05:32: Remote detonator damaged, meaning someone has to be around to kill themselves and allow them to have their children get as much tail as anyone ever has back on Earth.

2:06:39: Drawing straws for the fate of mankind and guess who it is! AFFLECK! Thank God! Ugh. I keep forgetting this is fiction.

2:08:14: Willis takes Aflleck's place to the dismay of noone. Oh well. At least there will be no more alcoholic cop movies.

2:10:23: Willis tells Liv that he's breaking his promise. Liv is proud, scared, and dressed like a 45 year old woman.

2:13:49: Russian guy saves the ship by hitting it with a wrench. That's the first thing they teach you in Astro-Training in Russia.

2:14:52: Zero Barrier! HURRY HURRY!

2:15:56: Willis saves the day! Asteroid splits apart! All is well!

2:17:11: Liv and Billy Bob hug. Take it easy, Billy, she could be your daughter.

2:18:28: Don't worry, Steve. Nobody will tell about you machine gunning the rest of the crew while they were trying to save the world.

2:19:18: Guy finally gets to hug his long lost son.

2:19:35: Favorite part of the movie. "Requesting to shake the hand of the daughter...of the bravest man I ever met." I love William Fichtner. Sappy works perfectly there.

2:19:54: Buscemi gets his hot stripper back.

2:20:10: Billy Bob gets the NASA patch that he's always wanted.

2:20:49: Cue Aerosmith x4.

2:21:02: Funeral at a wedding? Ummm...OK. That's why they call it the Director's CUT and not the Director's Omission.


Unlike Aerosmith, after that movie and all the drinks consumed during it, I do want to close my eyes and I do want to fall asleep. So I'll leave you for now. I'll be back soon with a brand new mailbag and some more of Drunk Michael Bay series. Next is Pearl Harbor I believe and that's dynamite since it's one of my least favorite movies that I've ever seen. Adios, muchachos!

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: The Rock

As promised, I'm back this week with a drunken running commentary of a Michael Bay movie. This week, we get to review my favorite Michael Bay movie (no sarcasm), The Rock. Why is it my favorite? Because it's got the master of suave Sean Connery. The original Bond, the man who could seduce an entire family of bears out of hibernation. This movie is a little longer so the chances of me blacking out increase by a good 30 minute window. But enough chit-chat. Let's review Michael Bay's version of The Great Escape, THE ROCK.

00:00:00: As beer is not strong enough to handle a Michael Bay film, I will be turning to my friend Vodka/Splash of Tonic and a lime. In a pint glass. BOO YA! (Taco dip will, thankfully, be exempt from this week's review. Last Monday night/Tuesday morning was death.)

00:00:51: Opening credit gunfire. You never get opening credit gunfire.

00:01:48: Hey, Dr. Cox from Scrubs is in this. There's hope for you yet, Russell. (NAME THAT MOVIE!)

00:03:15: Ed Harris delivers the worst "I missed you" line ever in front of his wife's grave. It's as mailed in as a sx doll to your office.

00:04:30: Opening scene robbery. Eerily familiar to opening scene robbery in Bad Boys. Eery in the fact that it's pretty much the same thing.

00:05:53: Are there really only 5 or 6 soldiers guarding our chemical weapons supply?

00:07:31: Soldier gets trapped in with the poison gas and melts like that dude who picked the grail wrong in Indiana Jones.

00:08:46: Nic Cage is a Beatlemaniac. Dynamite.

00:11:22: Nic won't inject a needle into his heart. Seems reasonable.

00:12:27: Cage without a shirt on playing a guitar. Does he know Freebird?

00:13:36: "Bringing a child into this world would be an act of cruelty." "I'm pregnant." Did I write this dialogue in 4th grade and forget about it?

00:15:54: Black guy gives the token "What the FUCK?" as Ed Harris takes over Alcatraz.

00:17:44: Ed Harris apologizes to his hostages. Wonder if they forgave him.

00:20:15: According to Mr. Harris, the Director of the FBI has a very serious problem. Come on Ed, all those girls are 18.

00:23:56: Young White House Chief of Staff gets owned by Ed Harris, then by some random General. Noob.

00:25:06: Cage having sex. Fuck my life.

00:26:36: Invites the Girlfriend to San Fran. Future drama, please ensue.

00:27:46: Just the talk about them introducing Connery's character arouses me.

00:28:20: First Connery sighting. Movie begins now. Hold on, I need another cocktail.

00:29:49: Black guy with a ponytail.

00:31:00: Connery with long hair. Still could seduce your mother.

00:32:31: Alchimedes, Nelson Mandela, Alexander Saltinizten, Sir Walter Raleigh all mentioned in the same paragraph by Connery. He's like that wise janitor from Rudy.

00:34:16: Cage awkwardly interviews Connery. Surprised they didn't get Michael Cera for the role.

00:35:39: "I fear the Greeks, even when they bring gifts." Did the screenwriter pick a quote out of Greek dictionary and go "BINGO!"?

00:38:26: Connery barks at Cage. I ROFL'd.

00:39:16: Connery singing in the shower and ordering room service. No wonder this movie's over 2 hours. Surprised he didn't order "Naughty Nurses in Reno."

00:41:36: Connery is hanging the FBI director from the Penthouse balcony while the stylist cries. Then escapes. Prepare for chase scene.

00:42:48: Connery is happy with his haircut.

00:44:40: CHASE!

00:45:31: Cage driving a Diablo. Not after The Wicker Man, he isn't.

00:46:37: Drives through an entire building. Because that's possible in San Fransisco. Except usually you get plowed into, not through.

00:48:08: Out of control trolley heading towards a wheelchair race. Making this up? I wish.

00:49:12: Cage steals a hippies motorcycle. Why not, right?

00:51:10: Cage is the FBI agent who figures out Connery's daughter lives in San Fran? Really?

00:52:40: Wasn't that girl in Mallrats? Damnit, now I want a chocolate covered pretzel.

00:54:26: God, this movie lags more than I remember. Thinking about weed instead of vodka.

00:55:37: "Between The Rock and a hard place." Wow. (Chug.)

00:57:00: Cage throws up. Must of just read the Ghost Rider script.

01:00:00: Marines trying to save the day are wearing face paint that makes them look like Raiders fans. Bet Al Davis loves this movie.

01:02:59: Connery figures out Cage's character. No witty response from me.

01:04:40: Excuse me, as I realize how pathetic I am for knowing the real names of 4 of the Ed Harris Crew Marines.

01:05:00: Change my mind and pronounce that as a victory. Also, guy with a cool mustache has something on radar.

01:06:22: Connery barrel rolls through fire. Casual Sunday for him.

01:07:15: "Welcome to The Rock!" Sean Connery would be the best Wal-Mart greeter ever.

01:09:05: Connery: "97 paces to the shower room." A line every woman wishes they could here.

1:10:34: Idiot good Marine sets off the motion sensors but thinks their good. His life= over.

1:12:52: Stand-off. Ed Harris and the Marine Commander get in a shouting match before all the good marines get blasted. It's like Omaha Beach in a bathroom.

1:14:18: Connery tells the Asian Marine not to go up there. Does. Dies. Serves him right, really.

1:16:44: Cage trying to stop Connery from leaving: laughable. In fiction or in reality.

1:19:38: Connery takes Cages gun away like it's a fucking lollipop.

1:21:35: Hawaiian bad Marine throws a bomb into the sewers that sends Cage and Connery flying. He'll be doing the limbo in hell.

1:22:21: Bigger bomb. But they're OK because they were underwater. Wonder if that really works.

1:23:39: Cage just "HEH" wants to find some rockets. Or a role that doesn't blow donkey turds.

1:24:45: Connery just CHUCKS a knife as some guys neck. You must never hesitate indeed. Unless you got LeBron in an iso situation.

1:26:43: I believed Cage more as a psychic than I do as a Chemical Weapons Specialist.

1:29:03: Cage eats pressure for breakfast. I have Lucky Charms.

1:30:01: Dr. Cox gets chewed out by Ed, while Connery and Cage are riding a mine shaft cart. Because when you build a prison, the first thing you think of is "Mine Shaft!"

1:31:55: Connery just set some guy on fire. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.

1:33:56: Cage shoots a guy while screaming like a girl. Kind of like my reaction to The Wicker Man.

1:36:10: Larry Henderson was taken hostage. At least it wasn't Harry.

1:38:50: Connery thinks Ed Harris is a fucking idiot. He must have saw National Treasure 2 a few years early.

1:40:04: I'd take pleasure in gutting you too, Nic.

1:41:32: Is thermite plasma real or a deus ex machina? Or is it just two fancy words thrown together so that people watching have no idea if it's real or not?

1:43:11: Connery gets him and Cage out of their cell. Pwns Cage. I'm not too shocked and neither are you. Also, is it ironic or just coincidence that Cage is in a cage?

1:45:48: Connery hits Cage in the stomach. I chuckled.

1:47:16: Then he saves his life. I dislike.

1:48:31: Ed Harris launches chemical weapon over Oakland. At least Al Davis would've died. Or can he even die?

1:49:38: Ed Harris then changes it's course to the ocean. Pussy.

1:52:09: President starts a gay monologue about life/death/soldiers that could have been explained away with a line of dialogue. BO-RINGGGGGGGGGG!

1:54:55: STAND DOWN CAPTAIN!

1:55:07: Mexican Stand Off between the bad Marines before the SHOOT-OUT!

1:56:52: The Good-Bad Marines get killed by the Bad-Bad Marines. Sympathy, not included. At least by me.

1:58:35: Cage makes some black baddie The Rocket Man. Also, he gets impaled. Not what Elton had in mind, me thinks.

2:00:55: Connery kills a black guy half his age. I bet he was imagining it was his wife.

2:02:03: Some bad guy mentions being Irish while fighting Connery. I immediately identify with him. He's just trying to feed his family and have 8 kids.

2:03:35: Air Force Jets in a flying V. Reminds of the Mighty Ducks 2. QUACK QUACK QUACK!

2:04:40: Cage injects something into his heart then lights flares. You're a better man than me, NicK.

2:05:53: Feel bad for Cage's girl until I remember that it would preferable if he died for her.

2:06:40: Irish music starts playing. Arousal.

2:07:57: Cage tells the FBI Connery's dead. It's the least you could do, he saved your life like 36 times.

2:08:15: Forget Maui, Cage. Go find our country's deepest, darkest secrets, Nic. Connery thinks your the man that should know them all. God help us.

2:10:00: Is vaporization of a body possible? I seriously am asking you, people.

2:11:01: Cage asks his bride to be if she wants to know who killed JFK. Guessing she said "OMG NO WAY?!?!"

END

Well, that's it for THE ROCK's drunken real time review. Unfortunately, it only goes down here with Michael Bay movies. And, unfortunately we return right back to Marty and Will next week with Bad Boys 2. God help my health. Until then, I will most assuredly see you peeps later. Love and kisses, Miguel Dolan.

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Bad Boys

I'm gonna try a fresh new segment called Dolan's Boozy Reviews. It's where I watch a movie and do reviews as I watch them, kind of like a running commentary. I will also be sloshed while writing these, risking my health for the advancement of your laughter. (All eight of you, that is) I wasn't sure what movie to start off this segment with. Then, like magic, I browsed my Netflix "Watch Instantly" Queue, mainly cause I don't want to hear my roommates fucking and I can watch them on my computer. I figured, what movies are horrible that might be good drunk? Naturally, the word horrible often makes Michael Bay pop up in my head. So I think I'm going to do an entire "Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Reviews," of all his major features. I'll go in order of release date, I guess, because by the end of this segment I'll either be dead or suicidally addicted to explosions. Here's the first in the series, "Drunk Dolan Presents: BAD BOYS." Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, let's get jiggy.


00:00:00: For your information, I'm drunk/drinking a concoction known as the "7 & We're out of the other 7, so just use Coke." It's whiskey and coke. In a Mug. Gotta keep it classy for Mr. Bay.

00:00:45: Martin Lawrence top billing over Will Smith? Not anymore....

00:01:37: Will and Martin driving in a $105,000 car. Martin Lawrence drops his fries and Willie throws a temper tantrum. Out of context, that's probably weird.

00:03:33: A Passenger 57 joke by a black male? Wow.

00:05:04: Checking to see if the Costume Designer "Bobbie Reed" is a male or female on IMDB. Not on IMDB. Going with gay male.

00:07:22: Criminals stealing something from some plant, security officer is watching TV and lets out a fart. Blames it on the tacos. Starting to crave taco dip. (Me, not the actor)

00:09:25: Robbery over. Not sure what they stole. Not sure it matters really.

00:11:39: Will Smith telling sleazy sex stories to Martin's kids. What would Jada think?

00:13:13: Cliched Internal Affairs agent woman comes in. What the hell IS internal affairs and why is it in EVERY cop movie?

00:15:36: Hey, it's Tony Sopranos nephew Chris! Playing a Cuban! I guess Italian is close enough to Latino.

00:17:55: Fourth straight cut with a rap song introducing the next scene. Fuck me.

00:18:42: Will calls him and Martin negroes, to which Martin imitates a white person. Spot on, Marty. When's Big Momma's House 3 coming out?

00:20:53: Marty's driving slow enough to drive Ms. Daisy. Whatever. My taco dip tastes like sex. On drink 2, already.

00:22:30: First appearance of the Bad Boys song. Will and Martin start singing. Would rather hear "Gettin' Jiggy with it"

00:26:45: Chick whose in love with Will Smith is killed. Sensing plot development. Followed by hideous acting by the robbers. Followed by me chugging.

00:28:52: Tea Leoni jumps a few stories into a pool to escape robbers. Thinking she should try out for the Italian synchronized diving team.

00:30:33: Will Smith shows emotion. Hard to believe he got an Oscar nom in his career.

00:35:11: Another cut with a rap song. Considering downloading it. Illegally. Would never pay for it.

00:38:14: GUNFIGHT. Also, Martin Lawrence recuses Tea Leoni's dog. Also, 50 shots are fired and only one person out of 8 gets hit. Bantering between criminals, cringing. Very cringe-worthy.

00:40:11: Wondering when Martin says "trying to keep a bullet out of your ass," if he means that literally.

00:42:30: Marty denies wanting to have sex with Ms. Leoni, even though "Damaged Girls" ranks Number 2 behind "Girls with Daddy Issues" on the "Freakiest Sex Scale."

00:46:00: Marty's having marital problems. I feel ya brother, I haven't had sex in a few weeks either.

00:47:00: Marty talking a lot about his ass. Gay?

00:49:15: Will complains about dogs and hookers in his house. I fail to see the problem.

00:53:00: Guy that's in Superbad and Pineapple Express gets yelled at by the main bad dude, although I'm still not sure what accent he's trying to pull off. Guessing Lithuanian.

00:56:50: Whiskey and taco dip, leading to regrets.

00:57:45: Annoying secretary that can't act hands Will Smith, who can't act at this point, a file. Obviously, I'm desperate for something to write about.

01:01:00: Contemplating death and if it's really worse than this.

01:02:38: Tea Leoni's dog shitting all over Will Smith's apartment. Don't blame the dog.

01:06:02: Martin and Will enter a Club called "Hell." Already been there for 65 minutes and 3 drinks, buddies.

01:08:11: Martin gets into a fight in the bathroom with a plastic bag over his head. Thought it was the beginning to a gay porno.

01:11:00: Martin and WIll in a chase scene with ether in the back of their truck. Reminds of a night I had in Amsterdam.

01:13:54: Chase ends well. Because, of course it does.

01:15:40: Pointless scene in a liquor store. At least they get Skittles and Bubbilicious out of it.

01:18:10: Will is hanging with Marty's wife and Marty's hanging with Tea Leoni. Feel like I'm watching a FOX reality show.

01:21:33: Will tackles Martin, but it's just a funny misunderstanding about adultery!

01:24:28: Tony Soprano's cousin is back! It's only been 65 minutes since his 22 second scene! Will pulls a gun on him and I'm wondering what James Gandolfini would do if he walked in.

01:28:30: Will makes a reference to their situation being worse than when they were in Club Hell. Must be talking about me.

01:30:11: I'm sloshed.

01:31:35: Martin's wife is pisssssed. And hot. For a negro.

01:34:04: Gunfight! And it's about time!

01:34:30: Over already? I didn't even get aroused.

01:35:50: Chase! Run! Run! Run! I can't tell what's going on since the camera is giving me motion sickness!

01:37:59: Martin Lawrence is riding on top of a cab. They'd charge extra for that in New York City, Marty.

01:40:05: The annoying can't act secretary is tied to it all! Now she's crying! I feel bad for her! Bravo, Michael Bay!

01:42:08: Criminals meeting some guy in a full white suit. That's how you know he's important. Also, he's Latino. Or Miamian. Same thing.

01:44:36: White suit guy gets shot. Dies.

01:46:03: FIRST EXPLOSION! Wondering how many were cut from the first 105 minutes.

01:46:55: If you forget your boarding pass, Martin Lawrence will kill you. Make a note.

01:48:06: Will Smith shot, then flies through the air after an explosion. Hoping he dies and the sequel is just one of my nightmares.

01:49:01: Tea Leoni makes a football reference. I felt something move below the waist. May have been a toe, I've had too much whiskey for anything else to move.

01:51:00: Car chase. Bad guy runs into a wall. Tries to run away but is gunned down in SUPER-SLOW-MO. The entire Miami PD arrives. Good timing.

01:52:40: Will Smith can't kill a guy. Must have grown up in Bel-Air. OH SHIT! Bad dude pulled a gun then Big Willie capped him harder than a black guy in a horror movie.

01:55:25: Tea Leoni and Will Smith handcuffed by Martin Lawrence. Fulfills black fantasies. Male or female.


That's all! I'm gonna go take a nap for about 8 hours but I hope that I gave you some insight to the first Michael Bay Drunk review. I'll try and do one a week. Next up: The Rock. Which is actually not that bad a movie. We'll see. Until next time, love ya and good luck!

I'm Linking. Be Glad.

Back with the links. Screw the intro, winners get it done in the body paragraphs.


Here is the girl I want to marry. Reasons why: she can sing, she lives in Ireland, she listens to pop-punk music, and her hair is just enthralling to me. I'll get disagreements but this girl is fascinating to me. Here's her cover of Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody". I don't really care if you listen, I just want her to know I posted it.



You also may not like this song, but I don't listen to the radio, ever, so I only hear it on my own time. Or at bars. But I love it. And obviously I love cover songs. This is a pretty good cover of it. 3OH!3's "Don't Trust Me" Because you really CAN'T trust a hoe.



Are you on twitter? Are you a tweet whore? Are you Asian? This guy is all three. Love it!



Ever wish you could just fucking wail on a ref? Well, this is about as close to doing that and getting away with as anyone is going to get.




I'm contratcually obligated to plug Chuck every month before it comes back in 2010. Here's a funny clip. WATCH THE SHOW PEOPLE!



This is sad. But fuck the British. Bet I could go over there and ask you questions you don't know about America. I knew every one of these questions and I bet they left out the people that did know the answers. I HATE BRITAIN. But this is still said.



Do you like racism? Here's the 10 most racist moments in TV history. It's very very funny.



Here's 10 celeberities getting caught doing drugs on camera. Sucks for you.



Hope you enjoyed this version of the links. Not my best work but it's better than you did. Love you!

Yeah, I Suck at Quarters But It Costed Me Less to Get Your Girl In Bed and Other Rebuttals: The July Mailbag

Howdy Partners! It's the start of another beautiful month and you know what that means: I answer fake questions from fake people for your fake amusement. It's so fake it's barely real! From sex to drugs, drinking to the meaning of life, the mailbag is designed for your enjoyment and nothing less. But intro paragraphs are so June. Let's move on!


Q: Now that it's no longer John & Kate, what are my chances with Kate Goesslin and that absolutely fab hairstyle?
--A. Pacino, New York, NY.
A: I think Kate Goesslin is the one attractive woman I would never hook up with. Not only is she a raging, condescending bitch, she looks like she'd be talking about what to make for dinner during sex. (And we all know, I need that dirty talk.) It's no wonder Jon got caught cheating. You'd cheat too if you had 8 kids, cameras following you around your HOUSE, and a wife that only uses her mouth to bitch. But come one Al, you don't have a chance in hell, you ugly old wash up.

Q: Who would win in a drinking contest that was born on July 2, 1986: you or Lindsay Lohan?
--L. Dolan, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: I think it's no coincidence that me and Lindsay were born on the same day, given our love of alcohol and lesbians. But there is no debate here. I would destroy Ms. Lohan in a one-on-one drinking competition. You know, there has to be a reason that she keeps getting caught wasted: she can't hold her liquor. It is a curse and a blessing but I rarely ever get sick from drinking. Which is surprising, given my small stature. If Lindsay wants to prove me wrong, or go out on a date, she should get her people in contact with my people. Make it happen!

Q: So I hear your writing a romantic movie. What the hell do u know about romance?
--E. Ridge, Jerusalem, Israel.
A: What does anybody know about romance really? Besides, if you ask some of platonic lady friends, I'm sometimes as describe as "sweet." My view of romance is simple. Two people meet and their happy for a while. Only two things happen after that while: they get happier or they get less happy. Some meet in 7th grade and stay together forever, some get married after 3 months because they just know. They are no laws to romance or love. Everyone finds different things romantic. So hush.

Q: If you had to have sex with one of your platonic girl friends, which one would it be and why? I must know!
--S. Bullock, Some Crap Town, USA.
A: Ummm...(gulps nervously). This would actually not have anything to do with attraction, since my best platonic girlfriends are the most attractive of my girl friends, in my opinion. If you really want to know, just ask me. All I'll say is her name has a double "L" in it.

Q: What would you rather do: have a threesome with two ultra-hot twins that you were too drunk to remember or two mediocre looking ones that you were sober for?
--R. Kelly, Prison, In a Just World.
A: Too drunk with the ultra-hot twins. Bragging rights in this situation would be more important to me than enjoying the actual act. Half the reason I have sex anyway is for bragging rights. And if I'm sober with the ultra-hot twins, it'd probably last as long as the boxing match with Brad Pitt in "Snatch." I'd want to be able to go a few more rounds, knowwhatimean?

Q: Who is the one person you know that you would just never have a drink with? Is there even anyone in your life that fits that criteria? I doubt it, booze boy.
--S. Wonder, Jazzland, Blindtopia.
A: There aren't many people I know that don't drink at all. But if there was one person I know that I would never drink with or in front of, it would be my littlest cousin Ella from Kazakhstan. She's 2 and I refuse to set a bad example for the youngsters in my family. I want to be the cool cousin. Bet you weren't expecting that as an answer. Excuse me while I go watch the beautiful sunset. Care to join me Stevie? Awww, that's a shame. I forgot.

Q: How come you demonize women so much? Maybe it's not our fault that your a douchebag that probably wouldn't even call us after sleeping with us.
--Some Girl I Hooked Up With and Didn't Call, Yellowstone, WY.
A: I don't demonize women. I humanize them. Most people are dicks, assholes, selfish, and uncaring. Men, women, or mixed, most people seem nice on the outside but all have their own agenda. Even me, who can be really sweet, thinks about his own needs over yours. When you go out and meet someone, you have sex with them because YOU want to, not because they do. I demonize everyone. And F-U, your a bad kisser anyways.

Q: If you had to live in a country for the rest of your life outside Europe or North America, where would you live? P.S. My sister likes you.
--M.K. Olson, Hollywood, CA.
A: Well obviously nowhere in Africa or South America. I think I'd become like a perma-vacationer in Bali (an Indonesian tourist resort island, for the uneducated) and just open up a bar on the beach. If they let me in. My passport looks like that of a drug dealer (a customs agent actually told me that) just because I've been to Amsterdam and Mexico twice in the last 3 years. I'd be more worried about the hurricanes though. Those things are stroooooooong!

Q: 10 Shots of Jager, 4 Shots of Tequila, 4 Beer Bongs, and 12 Cigarettes. I threw up on my mom's $3,000 rug and called my Dad the n word. He's white. Oh, and I got a girl pregnant. How could you condone drinking even after all this is possible? It's a terrible thing.
--W. Smith, Tempe, AZ
A: I condone drinking because it's a social lubricant for most people. It's fun to see people come out of their shell. It's also fun to see amateurs throw up on their mom's rug and get a girl preggo's. Because it's always the ones that don't do it often that make the worst mistakes.

Q: 10 Shots of Jager. 5 Shots of Tequila, 4 Beer Bongs, and 11 Cigarettes. I had sex with this girl who puked in her bed right after. I got dressed and started to leave when I ran into her even hotter roommate in the hall. Had sex with her. Massed texted the story to everyone in my phone. Dad texted back: "Atta boy!" How could anyone not love drinking?
--Dr. J. Shepherd, Boston, MA.
A: Modern hero.

Q: What's the one movie that came out this year that you know they'll remake in the next 20 years? Also, will we ever be able to see your smiling face at church? I miss you, Mike.
--Father Tuzick, Palatine, IL.
A: Wow, the second part of this question really took me off guard but I'll try and keep my composure. What movie WON'T they remake within the next 20 years? I can't pick just one. Most movies are the same now anyways. Most of the shit out there is the same old formula, and every genre has a formula. It's annoying as hell which makes movies like Slumdog Millionaire, Up, WALL-E, and (500) Days of Summer so enjoyable. Because they stray away from the same old Hollywood formula and simply give you a high walking out of the theatre. Those rare ones are the reason I attend free screenings and go to indie theatres while watching ripped copies of the "blockbusters" online: because I'd rather start good word of mouth over a movie people haven't heard of rather than some some shit (read: Transformers 2) everyone and their great aunt has heard of. (BTW, go see (500) Days of Summer when it comes out two weeks from now. It's the best movie I've seen this year.)

Q: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? And is she bangable?
--I. Gadget, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Carmen went off the grid when she stopped paying child support but if you can find her, yes, she is very, very bangable. Just don't expect to get a real number/call back.

Q: What are the best foods to eat of your significant others body? The mere act of sex just makes me too damn hungry to go without food.
--S. Buscemi, Sacramento, CA.
A: Personally, I've got a sweet tooth but I can't imagine why you shouldn't get more creative than that. If your favorite food is pastrami, slap it on there. Why go with what everyone has tried? Oooo, your a big deal chocolate sauce and whipped cream. Fuck that. Sometimes you want a sandwich or something, keep your stamina up. You are only limited by your lack of creativity.

Q: So there was this girl. We were about to hook up but I was way too drunk to, um, "get up" for the occasion. The next morning, however, I simply rocked her world. I'm talking knocked it out of the park. It was so good that she said next time I can do "anything I want" to her. What should I do? Do I ask for the secret passage into the backdoor? Is it worth it?
--R. Paul, Wherever Republicans Hang Out.
A: If you've never entered the elusive "back door" I would go for that. You won't find many girls willing (although I'm sure there are more than you think). Besides, if she said that to you, anal is probably what she meant anyway. If you've already done anal, than don't go for it again. Once it nice, but it's not much to brag about (everyone, however, should at least try it). Role play's good but ANYTHING YOU WANT? I think you'd be a fool if you didn't ask her to bring a friend. A DAMN FOOL, SIR!

Q: What's the best show on TV that nobody knows about? Is it My Boys on TBS?
--Owner of TBS, Allendale, CA.
A: No, sir, and no plugging allowed on my blog. Unless it's by me. "Burn Notice" on USA is the best show that nobody knows about it. It's a very fun summer show and it's got action, comedy, and is set in Miami. Turn it on and enjoy it.

Q: If you had to sit through any of these ungodly acts of life, which one would it be: a Nascar race, the ballet, or Transformers 2?
--M. Bay, 6th Circle of Hell, Hell.
A: Well obviously not T2. That only leaves Car Driving vs. Dancing to Boring Music. Ugh. I'd go to a ballet with a date because then maybe she'll put out. The only thing that will put out at a Nascar race is my will to live. At least there might be some attractive girls in the ballet.

Q: My best friend had sex with my girlfriend. I don't hate him, but I do want to bring upon him an epic act of revenge that will make us completely equal for his breach of friendship. Help me out.
--A. Banderas, Madrid, Spain.
A: An epic act of revenge? Sir, you have come to the right place. It needs to be a great blend of disgusting, embarrassing, and memorable. Something that, if he tried to do something like this again he'd think of what you did and immediately leave. Here's what you do: masturbate and put the finished product in his shampoo and body wash. That way, his entire body will be covered with semen. Then, when you tell him, he will most definitely throw up instantaneously. Also, he will never fuck with your ladies again. Good hunting.


Another mailbag, another assurance that I'll be joining Mr. Bay in the 6th circle of hell. But no worries. I'll enjoy the trip down there. At least it won't be cold. I'll leave you with some solid advice before I leave this week because I can tell you need it: go get laid it! Laters ladies and sirs, and Happy Birthday to Me!