hey there again i'm back and better than ever to deliver you my oscar predictions for the coming season. if nothing else, it can help you decide what to see. if you don't like it, go see Saw XXIV due out in a few weeks. maybe your intellect is more suited for that.
Best Supporting Actor
Javier Bardem for No Country for Old Men (due out 11/21/07)
Josh Brolin for No Country for Old Men
Phil Bosco for The Savages (11/30/07)
Tom Wilkinson for Michael Clayton (10/12/07)
Armin Mueller-Stahl for Eastern Promises (already out)
The Deal: Bardem, if you watch the trailer, seems to be the strong frontrunner and definitely will get a nom. Bosco and Brolin are getting good reviews from the film festivals and Stahl is safe for now. I'm sure you've never heard of any of these guys, but you may have seen a few. You will see Bardem. Never have I been so put away by a trailer, I think he's got the oscar here.
Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett (as Bob Dylan) for I'm Not There (11/21/07)
Jennifer Jason Leigh for Margot at the Wedding (11/16/07)
Amy Ryan for Gone, Baby, Gone (10/19/07)
Saoirse Ronan for Atonement (12/07/07)
Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton
The Deal: Blanchett, playing Bob Dylan, and JJL are virtual locks at this point, although it's hard to "lock" this early. Ronan and Swinton are 3/4 for right now but I'm not too sure about Clooney's Michael Clayton flick. Ryan is a toss up because it is a Ben Affleck directed film (yikes) but it is getting raves so we'll see. Blanchett may get a lead nomination for her other movie coming out instead of this so that may come into play here as well.
Best Actor
Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood (12/26/07)
Denzel Washington for American Gangster (11/2/07)
Johnny Depp for Sweeney Todd (12/21/07)
James McAvoy for Atonement
Tommy Lee Jones for In the Valley of Elah (in theatres)
The Deal: This is still really, really early. Day-Lewis is usually great and is probably a safe bet. Denzel, as always, could go either way. McAvoy is in, unless Atonement is a big stinker, which I doubt. TLJ, according to my unnamed supersecret Hollywood sources, is the early favorite here, but just barely. He hasn't received too much recognition for his work. Depp's nomination depends on how well he can sing in the new Tim Burton movie, but I think it looks great. I'll go with Depp here only because I want too.
Best Actress
Laura Linney for The Savages
Cate Blanchett for The Golden Age (10/12/07)
Keira Knightley for ATonement
Ellen Page for Juno (released)
Nicole Kidman for Margot at the Wedding
The Deal: Again, it's early. The only lock i'd say is Blanchett because the Academy loves these Queen roles, unless the Dylan flick overshadows it. Knightley is just there, I'm thinking that'll fall through. Linney looks safe, but it's early. Page has Ebert in her corner, so she may sneak in. Kidman is simply a guess and probably not gonna happen. I'll give it to Blanchett for now. She's usually pretty good.
Best Director
Joel/Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men
Joe Wright for Atonement
James Mangold for 3:10 to Yuma (released)
Tim Burton for Sweeney Todd
Ridley Scott for American Gangster
The Deal: Coen Bro's are a lock and my pick here. I think the film's gonna be great. Burton and Scott are both toss ups because their films could be great or.....stinky. Wright is getting raves so far. Mangold was received great by everyone and bringing back the Western certainly doesn't hurt his chances.
Best Picture
The Kite Runner (12/28/07)
Atonement
No Country for Old Men
Sweeney Todd
American Gangster
The Deal: Again, Old Men is my favorite here. I'm expecting the Kite Runner to sneak in, as it has not received much attention. Atonement is getting great reviews accross the pond. I'm riding the Sweeney Todd Buzz as long as I can. American Gangster is a toss up. I'm guessing Atonement for now, but that will be subject to change.
Sorry, I know you readers hate my stupid Oscar predictions. But live with them. I'll be back soon with an intellectually stimulating column. Until then, Go Cubs
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Inspiration
30 years. 6 movies. That's a movie every 5 years. (I did the math) Few sporting heroes have had as great an impact as Rocky. From taking down the black man (three times), the Soviets, or his own student, Rocky has fought all the world's great enemies. (OK, Just kidding...) But few things are as inspirational as the great Rocky montage that infiltrates all six movies. However, today, I will list the best and most inspirational quote from each of the six Rocky movies. Who better to inspire a nation than the exceptionally articulate Sylvester Stallone? Or Carl Weathers? or MICK?
Rocky (1975)
The Fight: Extreme underdog Rocky is matched up against champ Apollo Creed, played by the wished-he-was-Academy-Award-winner Carl Weathers
The Quote: Adrian asks Rocky why he fights to which Rocky replies: "Because I can't sing or dance"
Sure, it may not be the most memorable quote from the movie, but think about it. Through this simple sentence Rocky imparts a great life lesson. As people, we are lucky to find one thing we are really, truly great at. For some it sports, others it's beer pong. We only can do so much. So when we find out what we are great at, we have to go for it. Life's too short to waste it on some song and dance that is just a facade for what we really are. Rocky's a fighter. Greatness is something so rare, so fleeting, that you have to grab while you can, if your lucky enough to even get a chance. Yes, it says that all in one line. What a genius.
Rocky II (1979)
The Fight: Apollo Creed, after being embarrassed by Rocky, asks for a rematch which Rocky ultimately accepts
The Quote: Rocky has just won. "Yo, Adrian! I did it!"
I really didn't want to pick this quote because of it's cliche'd value. But it's not about the line. It's all Stallone's delivery. Such emotion. Relief, pride, glory. Such a simple line of dialouge while looking at it on paper. But it's like "i love you". Sure you hear it when someone says it, but you can't understand it until you feel it. Imagine the best, most important moment of your life. What would you say? To who? Rocky has just "did it" and the only person he cares who knows is Adrian. THAT'S what makes the line powerful and inspirational.
Rocky III (1982)
The Fight: Clubber Lang, played by poet Mr. T, has beaten Rocky and there's only one way for Rock to get his honor back: beating the shit out of him in the ring.
The Quote: Lang has just told Rocky he is going to "bust him up" (that does not sound like a pleasant result). "Go for it"
Oh, Stallone, how do you write this stuff? Sure, there are more quotable lines from this movie, especially from the poet laureate of Compton, Mr. T. But again, Stallone doesn't need to open his big mouth to create tension, to prove his worth. One line: Go for it. Said defiantly, as if Rocky already knows that Mr. T is as good as dead. What's great about the line is that Clubber Lang spends the entire movie bashing Rocky and talking a ton of shit. Here, Rocky simply says to the audience "let your actions do the talking for you." Don't tell me your going to bust me up, just shut up and try. What subtle language from a screen writing genius.
Rocky IV (1985)
The Fight: Rocky takes a break from keeping the black man down to single handedly fighting communism personified in Ivan Drago, who has KILLED Apollo Creed. Perhaps the most important fight or showdown in any sporting movie ever made. Ever.
The Quote: I can only choose one? Wow. How bout this? "Going in one more round when you don't think you can - that's what makes all the difference in your life."
Jeez, how much more can you do in a movie? Single handedly defeat communism, honor your fallen comrade, honor your country, yourself, your family, and doing it IN Russia. So what's Rocky saying here? Well, when you think you've got nothing left, you can't handle it anymore, or when life has gotten the best of you, you can still turn it around. Giving a little more when your already on empty, that's what makes the difference. Going the extra mile is what makes you a man, no matter where it gets you. Second choice: "To beat me, he will have to kill me." Just wow. Sometimes I'm just awe-struck.
Rocky V (1990)
The fight: Cocky-protege kid that Rocky is mentoring thinks he's hot shit. Rocky shows him otherwise on the streets, no ring necessary this time.
The quote: Rocky has seemingly lost the fight, only to rise and proclaim: "Yo, Tommy! I didn't hear no bell..."
Are you kidding me? Not to mention how bad this movie is and it still produces one of the most inspirational quotes of all sporting cinema. Think of the irony in this quote! There is no bell in the streets! So what is he saying? Well, again Stallone succeeds where so many others have tried and failed: inserting inspirational life lessons into a single line of dialogue. No bell? WHAT DOES HE MEAN? Well, Rocky ain't giving up, so neither should you. It's not over til it's over. Look at the quote from Rocky IV and tell me this isn't a direct follow-up, as if Rocky is following his OWN inspirational advice from his previous life experiences to summon up the energy and courage to get up again. So, don't give up, always defend your honor, and ALWAYS remember your past for it prepares you for your future. What a man.
Rocky Balboa (VI) (2006)
The fight: Rocky fights the much younger, quicker black champion after an ESPN poll states that Rocky would win if both were in their prime.
The quote: "I gotta go out the way I gotta go out."
Never mind that it was 16 years between movies, the only thing that has changed is that Stallone wrote it on a computer instead of a typewriter. Rocky has just fought until the final round with a much better and younger fighter. His son has just given him his respect. Everyone has. But Rocky knows what he has to do. Again with the subtle meanings behind his seemingly simple quotes, Rocky proclaims in his own way that you cannot do anything half-assed. Finish what you start, no matter how difficult it is. Your in this mess, clean it up. Rocky is going to fight to the last bell because that's what he's always done and that's what he was born to do. Never mind that he is 60 years old. His heart's beating and as long as it is, Rocky isn't going to give up. And neither should you.
Well, the poetry that lies within every Rocky movie is enough to make Walt Whitman look like an amateur. Never has there been a greater source for inspiration than the 6 Rocky movies that sit on your shelf. Writer's block? Feeling lost? Pop in Rocky and tell me that doesn't work. You will shatter my whole world view. After examining the poet that is Sylvester Stallone, you will have to just wait for the next great poet (me) to return to the blog until next time. Follow Rocky's advice and you can never go wrong. Follow mine and you can never BE wrong. Bye Bye
Rocky (1975)
The Fight: Extreme underdog Rocky is matched up against champ Apollo Creed, played by the wished-he-was-Academy-Award-winner Carl Weathers
The Quote: Adrian asks Rocky why he fights to which Rocky replies: "Because I can't sing or dance"
Sure, it may not be the most memorable quote from the movie, but think about it. Through this simple sentence Rocky imparts a great life lesson. As people, we are lucky to find one thing we are really, truly great at. For some it sports, others it's beer pong. We only can do so much. So when we find out what we are great at, we have to go for it. Life's too short to waste it on some song and dance that is just a facade for what we really are. Rocky's a fighter. Greatness is something so rare, so fleeting, that you have to grab while you can, if your lucky enough to even get a chance. Yes, it says that all in one line. What a genius.
Rocky II (1979)
The Fight: Apollo Creed, after being embarrassed by Rocky, asks for a rematch which Rocky ultimately accepts
The Quote: Rocky has just won. "Yo, Adrian! I did it!"
I really didn't want to pick this quote because of it's cliche'd value. But it's not about the line. It's all Stallone's delivery. Such emotion. Relief, pride, glory. Such a simple line of dialouge while looking at it on paper. But it's like "i love you". Sure you hear it when someone says it, but you can't understand it until you feel it. Imagine the best, most important moment of your life. What would you say? To who? Rocky has just "did it" and the only person he cares who knows is Adrian. THAT'S what makes the line powerful and inspirational.
Rocky III (1982)
The Fight: Clubber Lang, played by poet Mr. T, has beaten Rocky and there's only one way for Rock to get his honor back: beating the shit out of him in the ring.
The Quote: Lang has just told Rocky he is going to "bust him up" (that does not sound like a pleasant result). "Go for it"
Oh, Stallone, how do you write this stuff? Sure, there are more quotable lines from this movie, especially from the poet laureate of Compton, Mr. T. But again, Stallone doesn't need to open his big mouth to create tension, to prove his worth. One line: Go for it. Said defiantly, as if Rocky already knows that Mr. T is as good as dead. What's great about the line is that Clubber Lang spends the entire movie bashing Rocky and talking a ton of shit. Here, Rocky simply says to the audience "let your actions do the talking for you." Don't tell me your going to bust me up, just shut up and try. What subtle language from a screen writing genius.
Rocky IV (1985)
The Fight: Rocky takes a break from keeping the black man down to single handedly fighting communism personified in Ivan Drago, who has KILLED Apollo Creed. Perhaps the most important fight or showdown in any sporting movie ever made. Ever.
The Quote: I can only choose one? Wow. How bout this? "Going in one more round when you don't think you can - that's what makes all the difference in your life."
Jeez, how much more can you do in a movie? Single handedly defeat communism, honor your fallen comrade, honor your country, yourself, your family, and doing it IN Russia. So what's Rocky saying here? Well, when you think you've got nothing left, you can't handle it anymore, or when life has gotten the best of you, you can still turn it around. Giving a little more when your already on empty, that's what makes the difference. Going the extra mile is what makes you a man, no matter where it gets you. Second choice: "To beat me, he will have to kill me." Just wow. Sometimes I'm just awe-struck.
Rocky V (1990)
The fight: Cocky-protege kid that Rocky is mentoring thinks he's hot shit. Rocky shows him otherwise on the streets, no ring necessary this time.
The quote: Rocky has seemingly lost the fight, only to rise and proclaim: "Yo, Tommy! I didn't hear no bell..."
Are you kidding me? Not to mention how bad this movie is and it still produces one of the most inspirational quotes of all sporting cinema. Think of the irony in this quote! There is no bell in the streets! So what is he saying? Well, again Stallone succeeds where so many others have tried and failed: inserting inspirational life lessons into a single line of dialogue. No bell? WHAT DOES HE MEAN? Well, Rocky ain't giving up, so neither should you. It's not over til it's over. Look at the quote from Rocky IV and tell me this isn't a direct follow-up, as if Rocky is following his OWN inspirational advice from his previous life experiences to summon up the energy and courage to get up again. So, don't give up, always defend your honor, and ALWAYS remember your past for it prepares you for your future. What a man.
Rocky Balboa (VI) (2006)
The fight: Rocky fights the much younger, quicker black champion after an ESPN poll states that Rocky would win if both were in their prime.
The quote: "I gotta go out the way I gotta go out."
Never mind that it was 16 years between movies, the only thing that has changed is that Stallone wrote it on a computer instead of a typewriter. Rocky has just fought until the final round with a much better and younger fighter. His son has just given him his respect. Everyone has. But Rocky knows what he has to do. Again with the subtle meanings behind his seemingly simple quotes, Rocky proclaims in his own way that you cannot do anything half-assed. Finish what you start, no matter how difficult it is. Your in this mess, clean it up. Rocky is going to fight to the last bell because that's what he's always done and that's what he was born to do. Never mind that he is 60 years old. His heart's beating and as long as it is, Rocky isn't going to give up. And neither should you.
Well, the poetry that lies within every Rocky movie is enough to make Walt Whitman look like an amateur. Never has there been a greater source for inspiration than the 6 Rocky movies that sit on your shelf. Writer's block? Feeling lost? Pop in Rocky and tell me that doesn't work. You will shatter my whole world view. After examining the poet that is Sylvester Stallone, you will have to just wait for the next great poet (me) to return to the blog until next time. Follow Rocky's advice and you can never go wrong. Follow mine and you can never BE wrong. Bye Bye
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Angelina Jolie on LSD at Disneyland
Hey there again, loyal readers. If your wondering about the title, Angie admitted to doing that. Honestley, that would have been quite a trip, but I really just used that title so my blog will show up on a google search. So sue me, I need to expand. Drugs, sex, and Disneyland. I got it ALL covered. Anyways, this blog today will deal with the 5 strangest views of the afterlife from various religions, minus the mainstream Christianity, Islam, and the like. But let's dive in headfirst. Now.
Crazy People's View of End of the World, take 5.
#5- Rustafarian's
Well, the coming Apocalypse has already started with the crowning of the 1930 Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie. After that, Bob Marley will rise from the dead, hand out an ounce of ganja to every believer, and take you to the White Castle in the sky. Okay, just kidding. After the Ethiopian debacle of 1930, it is believed that the loyal Rustafarians are waiting for Selassie to declare himself God. Because he is, according to them, God. They eagerly anticipate when he will call upon the end of days, punish the wicked, and take all his people to the fabled utopia of Mt. Zion in Africa (where Jews are always welcome). There they will live with Selassie in their physical state forever, never dying. Probably just smoking a ton of pot and listening to Bob Marley
#4- Jew's
The Jews have a slightly more complicated view of the end of the world. According to Jewish holy laws, the world is going to end in 2240, when the 6,000 year has occurred. (The Jews ignore science too). And those greedy Jews take on the apocalypse is not surprising at all: All Jews return to Israel (shops will go out of business!), all Israel's enemies defeated (byebye Middle East), 3rd temple in Jerusalem (the first 2 weren't good enough for them), Revival of the Dead (no word on if the booked Jerry Garcia), and (please, read this without laughing) Jesus will become the King of Israel, dividing all the Jews into their original tribes. BUT during this time, Gog, king of Magog, will attack Israel but God will smite them down and the world will live in peace for the next 1,000 years and all will know God (not to be confused with Gog). It is unclear who/what/when/where these Magog people are and when they will arrive but they sound terrifying. Kind of like the talking trees from "Lord of the Rings."
#3- Native American Lakota Indians
The start of their beliefs sounds pretty ordinary for apocalyptic theories: darkness, floods, fires, and earthquakes will shatter the Earth. Here's where is gets a little more complicated: a, and I quote, "White Buffalo Calf Woman" will then bring back balance and harmony to the world. Of course, who doesn't know that? People in Wisconsin have actually bred white buffalo's. However, it is more likely that these white buffalo will end up around some rich woman's neck than bring peace and harmony to the world.
#2- Mormon's
Oh, those silly Mormon's. They think we are close to the end of the world. Since, as they believe, that the Earth only lasts 7,000 years and we are close to 6,000. That's right, the Mormon's have disregarded science's silly idea that the Earth has been around quite a bit longer. When the time comes, these things will occur: Christ will appear in the temple in Jackson County, Missouri (where there is no temple), priests will meet with angels in Deviess County, Missouri where the Garden of Eden was located (really? in Missouri?), and after a Millenium of only Mormons on Earth after the wicked have been sent to hell, every human to ever live will be ressurected and be able to visit Earth to learn about their families history. Then you will either go to Celestial Kingdom, Terrestial Kingdom, or Telestial Kingdom if you are righteous. I heard Celestial Kingdom has a sweet waterpark. Anyways, you could go to the Outer Darkness where Satan reigns. There, the long lines are unbearable to
#1- Aztecs
Bear with me here. There are 5 suns, see, representing stages of creation and destruction. The first one "Four-Jaguar" ended when humans were destroyed by jaguars. Ouch. The second, "Four-Wind", ended when a magical hurricane transformed humans into monkeys by Quetzalcoatl, the Feathered Serpent, in disguise as Ehecatl, the wind god. Tricky bastard! The third, "Four-Rain", was destroyed by a reign of fire. That fourth one, "Four-Water", ended in a giant 52-year long flood. However, one male and female each survived but the creator, Tezcatlipoca (duh), turned them in to dogs! What was he thinking?!?!!? The current sun, "Four-Earthquake", is expected to dissapear in a massive earthquake. Then, of course, the skeleton-like monsters of the west will appear and kill everyone. I'll say "What is the coolest possible way to die?, Alex" Imagine, your in heaven with John Wayne and your talking. "How'd you die John? Ahh, it was throat cancer. Cancer? What a pussy, the only thing that stopped me were those damn skeleton monsters from the west." Seriously, that's like a video game death. Oh, and getting into the Aztec afterlife is another blog in itself.
Well, if these theories don't blow your mind, you've clearly read the Bible. Which, if you think about it, is just as ridiculous and far-fetched as any of these 5, or any religious ideas of the end of the world. Asteroids, comets, nuclear holocaust, and complete downfall of society are all far more likely to end the world. Heaven and hell have been around since the beginning of religion. Although most religions have different theories on the end of the world. However, one thing holds true: you better watch out for those Skeleton Monsters of the West.
Paix et Amie
Crazy People's View of End of the World, take 5.
#5- Rustafarian's
Well, the coming Apocalypse has already started with the crowning of the 1930 Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie. After that, Bob Marley will rise from the dead, hand out an ounce of ganja to every believer, and take you to the White Castle in the sky. Okay, just kidding. After the Ethiopian debacle of 1930, it is believed that the loyal Rustafarians are waiting for Selassie to declare himself God. Because he is, according to them, God. They eagerly anticipate when he will call upon the end of days, punish the wicked, and take all his people to the fabled utopia of Mt. Zion in Africa (where Jews are always welcome). There they will live with Selassie in their physical state forever, never dying. Probably just smoking a ton of pot and listening to Bob Marley
#4- Jew's
The Jews have a slightly more complicated view of the end of the world. According to Jewish holy laws, the world is going to end in 2240, when the 6,000 year has occurred. (The Jews ignore science too). And those greedy Jews take on the apocalypse is not surprising at all: All Jews return to Israel (shops will go out of business!), all Israel's enemies defeated (byebye Middle East), 3rd temple in Jerusalem (the first 2 weren't good enough for them), Revival of the Dead (no word on if the booked Jerry Garcia), and (please, read this without laughing) Jesus will become the King of Israel, dividing all the Jews into their original tribes. BUT during this time, Gog, king of Magog, will attack Israel but God will smite them down and the world will live in peace for the next 1,000 years and all will know God (not to be confused with Gog). It is unclear who/what/when/where these Magog people are and when they will arrive but they sound terrifying. Kind of like the talking trees from "Lord of the Rings."
#3- Native American Lakota Indians
The start of their beliefs sounds pretty ordinary for apocalyptic theories: darkness, floods, fires, and earthquakes will shatter the Earth. Here's where is gets a little more complicated: a, and I quote, "White Buffalo Calf Woman" will then bring back balance and harmony to the world. Of course, who doesn't know that? People in Wisconsin have actually bred white buffalo's. However, it is more likely that these white buffalo will end up around some rich woman's neck than bring peace and harmony to the world.
#2- Mormon's
Oh, those silly Mormon's. They think we are close to the end of the world. Since, as they believe, that the Earth only lasts 7,000 years and we are close to 6,000. That's right, the Mormon's have disregarded science's silly idea that the Earth has been around quite a bit longer. When the time comes, these things will occur: Christ will appear in the temple in Jackson County, Missouri (where there is no temple), priests will meet with angels in Deviess County, Missouri where the Garden of Eden was located (really? in Missouri?), and after a Millenium of only Mormons on Earth after the wicked have been sent to hell, every human to ever live will be ressurected and be able to visit Earth to learn about their families history. Then you will either go to Celestial Kingdom, Terrestial Kingdom, or Telestial Kingdom if you are righteous. I heard Celestial Kingdom has a sweet waterpark. Anyways, you could go to the Outer Darkness where Satan reigns. There, the long lines are unbearable to
#1- Aztecs
Bear with me here. There are 5 suns, see, representing stages of creation and destruction. The first one "Four-Jaguar" ended when humans were destroyed by jaguars. Ouch. The second, "Four-Wind", ended when a magical hurricane transformed humans into monkeys by Quetzalcoatl, the Feathered Serpent, in disguise as Ehecatl, the wind god. Tricky bastard! The third, "Four-Rain", was destroyed by a reign of fire. That fourth one, "Four-Water", ended in a giant 52-year long flood. However, one male and female each survived but the creator, Tezcatlipoca (duh), turned them in to dogs! What was he thinking?!?!!? The current sun, "Four-Earthquake", is expected to dissapear in a massive earthquake. Then, of course, the skeleton-like monsters of the west will appear and kill everyone. I'll say "What is the coolest possible way to die?, Alex" Imagine, your in heaven with John Wayne and your talking. "How'd you die John? Ahh, it was throat cancer. Cancer? What a pussy, the only thing that stopped me were those damn skeleton monsters from the west." Seriously, that's like a video game death. Oh, and getting into the Aztec afterlife is another blog in itself.
Well, if these theories don't blow your mind, you've clearly read the Bible. Which, if you think about it, is just as ridiculous and far-fetched as any of these 5, or any religious ideas of the end of the world. Asteroids, comets, nuclear holocaust, and complete downfall of society are all far more likely to end the world. Heaven and hell have been around since the beginning of religion. Although most religions have different theories on the end of the world. However, one thing holds true: you better watch out for those Skeleton Monsters of the West.
Paix et Amie
Friday, September 7, 2007
Ode To An Ether Binge.......
Ahhh, my faithful readers. Welcome back as I present you with another version of my absolutely brilliant ranting and ravings on the various topics that I choose to present to you. Lately I've been doing research for my blog studying the effects of binge-drinking, cigarette-smoking, marijuana use, and a combination of other things that may or may not be legal. I won't bore you with the effects this has had (i.e. passing out, throwing up, listening to jam bands while staring into space, etc....) but I would like to go through the best things to do in certain awkward or strange social situations that may never happen to you or anyone you know but are definitely going to happen to me. Or already have. Trust me.
Situation: Someone Questions Your Drinking Ability
Solution: Precede to Chug a Ridiculous Amount of Alcohol
Although this is a risky solution to a common problem, there is no other way to do it. If someone questions how much booze you can take, show them they are dead wrong. But don't fail. If you don't finish your drink, you probably should just leave the party/bar. However, if you succeed, the person can really say nothing, at least for the time being. Oh, and throwing the cup down right when your done is a nice exclamation point. Bonus points if its a glass (although you are an asshole if you do this, it's alright because if you feel the need to attempt this stunt, you probably are an asshole anyway)
Situation: You Trip/Fall in Public
Solution: Laugh
Now, a common solution to this problem is to "play it cool" by acting like nothing happened. But something did happen: you tripped or fell and it was embarrassing because people saw it. Through my experience, I have found that laughing as your getting up makes you seem like more of a character and likeable. People are gonna laugh at you, you may as well laugh with them. If you are drunk though, laughing makes you seem like an amateur drinker who should probably head home. So when your drunk and you fall, the best solution is just to yell out profanity, but just one word. Giving any more attention to the situation is a mistake. But curse with a smile on your face. Nobody likes an angry drunk.
Situation: You Are Buying Something Embarassing (i.e. condoms, laxatives)
Solution: Joke About It With the Clerk
You may be a little tentative to try out this solution because if it comes out wrong, the situation could get a little awkward. But who cares? It's already awkward. So if your buying laxatives you could say something like "At least it's not as backed up as the traffic out there, am i right?" Or for condoms "I hate wearing these things, but who wants a kid from a stripper putting themselves through college?" Just make the most off-beat, self-incriminating, asinine comment you can and your in like flynt.
Situation: Someone Offers You Free Alcohol/Drugs
Solution: Take it
Self-explanatory. If you don't want it, you can sell it or use as an "in" with the opposite sex.
Situation: Someone is talking out of their ass about a topic you are well-informed about
Solution: Be An Asshole and Make Said Person look really stupid
There's nothing worse than some newbie spouting off about how good Randy Moss will be for the Vikings this year. You know the type. Mr. "I use smart sounding words when i talk so i sound like i'm right all the time". Well, fuck that. If you can see through this asshole, make an offhand comment about how the "Charlie Weis diet" isn't really working for them or how the only time Randy Moss wears purple (vikings colors for the uneducated) is after he gets his ass kicked. Don't let these people think they are right because if you say nothing, you are just giving in to their douchebaginess.
Situation: You Think Someone's Waving at You, But Your Not Sure
Solution: Smile and nod your head up a little
You wouldn't BELIEVE how much this happens to me. Maybe it's because I'm horrible with names/faces and not sure if I've met them before. Or maybe I'm an idiot, I don't know. But when this happens, I always look behind me. But then it sort of looks like you lack self-confidence that said person knows you or not. So a more acceptable solution is to give the person a smile and nod up, which is almost like a wave and partially an acceptable greeting. Then when you get closer to the person, just give them a really flamboyant greeting. Whatever you do, don't give a full or half-assed wave. That could get really embarrassing.
Situation: You are Called Out for being Inebriated at an Inappropriate Time
Solution: Let it happen....
This one sucks. Because when it's 3 p.m. on a Tuesday while in class and your high and that girl you were trying to impress notices or the teacher gives you a subtle hint that your kinda an asshole, that's probably a reputation killer. But making an excuse about it just looks dumb. They already know. So what? It's just your reputation. Seriously though, who cares if the teacher likes you? Or if one girl at your whole school thinks your out of control or just an idiot? Just take the hit (yes, that is a pun). Soon enough, you won't see these people ever again and if you do, you can always look down or pretend your getting a phone call as you walk by. Unless your doing heroin for breakfast and crack for lunch, this isn't really that bad of a situation.
I hope you enjoyed another version of my innate ramblings on things so random, that I may be redefining randomness. I'll make sure that my next post is even better than this one as I know the rising standards my readers have for my blog. SO until next time, just keep re-reading this one and enjoy yourselves way, way too much.
Situation: Someone Questions Your Drinking Ability
Solution: Precede to Chug a Ridiculous Amount of Alcohol
Although this is a risky solution to a common problem, there is no other way to do it. If someone questions how much booze you can take, show them they are dead wrong. But don't fail. If you don't finish your drink, you probably should just leave the party/bar. However, if you succeed, the person can really say nothing, at least for the time being. Oh, and throwing the cup down right when your done is a nice exclamation point. Bonus points if its a glass (although you are an asshole if you do this, it's alright because if you feel the need to attempt this stunt, you probably are an asshole anyway)
Situation: You Trip/Fall in Public
Solution: Laugh
Now, a common solution to this problem is to "play it cool" by acting like nothing happened. But something did happen: you tripped or fell and it was embarrassing because people saw it. Through my experience, I have found that laughing as your getting up makes you seem like more of a character and likeable. People are gonna laugh at you, you may as well laugh with them. If you are drunk though, laughing makes you seem like an amateur drinker who should probably head home. So when your drunk and you fall, the best solution is just to yell out profanity, but just one word. Giving any more attention to the situation is a mistake. But curse with a smile on your face. Nobody likes an angry drunk.
Situation: You Are Buying Something Embarassing (i.e. condoms, laxatives)
Solution: Joke About It With the Clerk
You may be a little tentative to try out this solution because if it comes out wrong, the situation could get a little awkward. But who cares? It's already awkward. So if your buying laxatives you could say something like "At least it's not as backed up as the traffic out there, am i right?" Or for condoms "I hate wearing these things, but who wants a kid from a stripper putting themselves through college?" Just make the most off-beat, self-incriminating, asinine comment you can and your in like flynt.
Situation: Someone Offers You Free Alcohol/Drugs
Solution: Take it
Self-explanatory. If you don't want it, you can sell it or use as an "in" with the opposite sex.
Situation: Someone is talking out of their ass about a topic you are well-informed about
Solution: Be An Asshole and Make Said Person look really stupid
There's nothing worse than some newbie spouting off about how good Randy Moss will be for the Vikings this year. You know the type. Mr. "I use smart sounding words when i talk so i sound like i'm right all the time". Well, fuck that. If you can see through this asshole, make an offhand comment about how the "Charlie Weis diet" isn't really working for them or how the only time Randy Moss wears purple (vikings colors for the uneducated) is after he gets his ass kicked. Don't let these people think they are right because if you say nothing, you are just giving in to their douchebaginess.
Situation: You Think Someone's Waving at You, But Your Not Sure
Solution: Smile and nod your head up a little
You wouldn't BELIEVE how much this happens to me. Maybe it's because I'm horrible with names/faces and not sure if I've met them before. Or maybe I'm an idiot, I don't know. But when this happens, I always look behind me. But then it sort of looks like you lack self-confidence that said person knows you or not. So a more acceptable solution is to give the person a smile and nod up, which is almost like a wave and partially an acceptable greeting. Then when you get closer to the person, just give them a really flamboyant greeting. Whatever you do, don't give a full or half-assed wave. That could get really embarrassing.
Situation: You are Called Out for being Inebriated at an Inappropriate Time
Solution: Let it happen....
This one sucks. Because when it's 3 p.m. on a Tuesday while in class and your high and that girl you were trying to impress notices or the teacher gives you a subtle hint that your kinda an asshole, that's probably a reputation killer. But making an excuse about it just looks dumb. They already know. So what? It's just your reputation. Seriously though, who cares if the teacher likes you? Or if one girl at your whole school thinks your out of control or just an idiot? Just take the hit (yes, that is a pun). Soon enough, you won't see these people ever again and if you do, you can always look down or pretend your getting a phone call as you walk by. Unless your doing heroin for breakfast and crack for lunch, this isn't really that bad of a situation.
I hope you enjoyed another version of my innate ramblings on things so random, that I may be redefining randomness. I'll make sure that my next post is even better than this one as I know the rising standards my readers have for my blog. SO until next time, just keep re-reading this one and enjoy yourselves way, way too much.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Viva La Revolucion!
Well, don't REALLY live the revolution, be the revolution. I'm pretty sure Che Guevera got it wrong and that's why he's dead. Oooooo boo hoo, poor little guy's communist revolution fails 40 years ago and I can't even make Che's dead jokes yet? Oh well. Maybe one day. But instead of spitting out bad humor (both in taste and laughs), today I'm going to tell you the 5 most important revolutions in American history that didn't happen in America. You'll be SHOCKED! SURPRISED! and AWED! at the effects these revolutions not only on their country, but on ours.
Numero 5: Zionist Revolution
The Zionist Revolution was one to give the Jews their own homeland instead of living in Palastine. Well they got what they wanted when Britain ended up renaming the place Isreal. Now we have that gloriously peaceful state there. All the fighting and hatred of the West becasue of Britain's actions has never stopped. By giving them Israel, they have created years of mass chaos inside the country. The United States now faces the threat of Iran arming, which they probably are because Israel has nuclear weapons. So if we ever piss off Israel and Iran, we might be a tid bit fucked up the ass.
Numero 4: Chinese Revolution
Oh, Mao, it's not like you cost us any trouble or anything. Well, this is the revolution that turned China into a communist entity that still threatens the good of democracy today. So, even after 50 years of plight for the Chinese, we still are in the same position that we were in when this revolution began. Except now the Chinese are slowly but surely taking over the world, both in numbers and money. Mao's takeover of China led to a personality cult, a 10 mil. casuality famine, and numerous persecution's that still occur today. I hate communism but you can't argue with results, i guess. This revolution has led to the most successful "communist" state to exist. (yeah, i'm including you USSR or Russia or WhateverTF you wanna be called.
Numero 3: August Revolution (vietnam revolution)
Ho Chi Mihn's revolution was one of the most important in America's 20th century for obvious reasons. The fact that we had to go in and try and bail the French out after they failed to keep tabs on their country says enough. The "Iraq War" of the 60s-70s took it's toll on both our country and the confidence of the American people in the President. It brought protest and almost a revolution of itself in our country during the time we were over there. Not to mention the enormous amount of casulties that we faced in our time there. What a senseless and unncessary loss of life, even more so than the Iraqi occupation that we face today. In this case, we just couldn't overtake communism, which also set a horrible example.
Numero 2: French Revolution
Now, besides the guillotine and the Dickens book and everything, the French Revolution actually set up most of the benefits of American society that we see today. It told the world that the people control their governments and not the other way around. The revolution actually set up the "democracy" idea. Although it didn't last in France for very long (the French can't even do the right thing right), it set up the ideals that America adopted and made the staple of what everyone West of New York and East of Los Angeles thinks is the right system of government. So it may not have been the most influential revolution for America, at the time it was occuring it really made an impression on the founding fathers, whether they admit it or not. This revolution set an example for what America sees today as the only system of government acceptable.
Numero 1: Iranian Revolution
After all these "glorious' revolution's, why is the Iranian one the most important? Well, maybe it's because of the enormous impact that it's had on the Iranian people. This revolution not only led to the overthrowing of the U.S. backed shah of Iran but also led to the people of Iran completely taking in the attitude you see in Iran today. It sparked the whole "hatred of US" thing and really centralized Islam in Iranian culture, which really doesn't help things for us. So the whole conflict we have with Iran and the inevitable (when a republican comes into power again) war we will fight with Iran is all because of this revolution. It made Iran into a completely Islamic state and has led to all of the recent conflicts that we have had with this country. So maybe it isn't the most important revolution in our history, but it will be. Oh, it will be.
So I hope you enjoyed this post, which was more applicable to my blog than the more recent ones. So enjoy this one and maybe I'll get back to my loyal blog readers soon with something so interesting that it blows all your minds. In the mean time, study up, party hard, and continue to enjoy my blog, which my new name indicates, is completely set to enjoy UNIVERSAL domination. Toodles and good night
Numero 5: Zionist Revolution
The Zionist Revolution was one to give the Jews their own homeland instead of living in Palastine. Well they got what they wanted when Britain ended up renaming the place Isreal. Now we have that gloriously peaceful state there. All the fighting and hatred of the West becasue of Britain's actions has never stopped. By giving them Israel, they have created years of mass chaos inside the country. The United States now faces the threat of Iran arming, which they probably are because Israel has nuclear weapons. So if we ever piss off Israel and Iran, we might be a tid bit fucked up the ass.
Numero 4: Chinese Revolution
Oh, Mao, it's not like you cost us any trouble or anything. Well, this is the revolution that turned China into a communist entity that still threatens the good of democracy today. So, even after 50 years of plight for the Chinese, we still are in the same position that we were in when this revolution began. Except now the Chinese are slowly but surely taking over the world, both in numbers and money. Mao's takeover of China led to a personality cult, a 10 mil. casuality famine, and numerous persecution's that still occur today. I hate communism but you can't argue with results, i guess. This revolution has led to the most successful "communist" state to exist. (yeah, i'm including you USSR or Russia or WhateverTF you wanna be called.
Numero 3: August Revolution (vietnam revolution)
Ho Chi Mihn's revolution was one of the most important in America's 20th century for obvious reasons. The fact that we had to go in and try and bail the French out after they failed to keep tabs on their country says enough. The "Iraq War" of the 60s-70s took it's toll on both our country and the confidence of the American people in the President. It brought protest and almost a revolution of itself in our country during the time we were over there. Not to mention the enormous amount of casulties that we faced in our time there. What a senseless and unncessary loss of life, even more so than the Iraqi occupation that we face today. In this case, we just couldn't overtake communism, which also set a horrible example.
Numero 2: French Revolution
Now, besides the guillotine and the Dickens book and everything, the French Revolution actually set up most of the benefits of American society that we see today. It told the world that the people control their governments and not the other way around. The revolution actually set up the "democracy" idea. Although it didn't last in France for very long (the French can't even do the right thing right), it set up the ideals that America adopted and made the staple of what everyone West of New York and East of Los Angeles thinks is the right system of government. So it may not have been the most influential revolution for America, at the time it was occuring it really made an impression on the founding fathers, whether they admit it or not. This revolution set an example for what America sees today as the only system of government acceptable.
Numero 1: Iranian Revolution
After all these "glorious' revolution's, why is the Iranian one the most important? Well, maybe it's because of the enormous impact that it's had on the Iranian people. This revolution not only led to the overthrowing of the U.S. backed shah of Iran but also led to the people of Iran completely taking in the attitude you see in Iran today. It sparked the whole "hatred of US" thing and really centralized Islam in Iranian culture, which really doesn't help things for us. So the whole conflict we have with Iran and the inevitable (when a republican comes into power again) war we will fight with Iran is all because of this revolution. It made Iran into a completely Islamic state and has led to all of the recent conflicts that we have had with this country. So maybe it isn't the most important revolution in our history, but it will be. Oh, it will be.
So I hope you enjoyed this post, which was more applicable to my blog than the more recent ones. So enjoy this one and maybe I'll get back to my loyal blog readers soon with something so interesting that it blows all your minds. In the mean time, study up, party hard, and continue to enjoy my blog, which my new name indicates, is completely set to enjoy UNIVERSAL domination. Toodles and good night
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