Level #1: The Indecisive Guy
Qualities: Hates Decisions, Married, Vasectomied, Dislikes Drinking, Rich, Likely a Coward.
What's He Like? The lowest level of fandom is the guy who wears the half-Cubs, half-White Sox jersey to a Cubs sox game. What possesses a man to do such a thing? He's not really a fan of the sports, he just is rich enough to afford the tickets and look like a douche on his PDA in the first row. He never has more than one beer because his wife would KILL him if he came home drunk. It takes him 15 minutes to decide if he wants mustard or ketchup on his hot dog in his head. He'll only stand if everyone else already is doing the same. Cities like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and London have to deal with these fans more often than most cities. A worse example is going to Indians/Reds game and seeing a man in a half-Reds, half-Indians jersey. That man is most likely a bigger tool than the Board of Directors of AIG. Unfortunately, he'll be driving home in his Mercedes while your jumping your Kia Spectra because you left the lights on for the whole game.
Unrelated Picture: Ozzie Guillen kisses with his eyes open.
Level #2: The Clueless Girlfriend
Qualities: Calls Players "Cute!", Asks Questions Constantly, Chatty, Beautiful, Controlling
What's She Like? You can't blame her for trying, but you can blame her boyfriend for bringing her. She's hot and often too hot for the guy she's with. Her boyfriend is whipped because only a whipped boyfriend would bring a girl who knows nothing about sports to a sports game. She's always on her phone, deciding what she's doing after the "baseball match." She gets up every inning even though she's in the middle of the row. Usually, she's wearing a jersey of the home team and looks hot as all hell. She doesn't say it loud, but she wants to leave after the 7th inning, no matter what the score is, and she'll give subtle looks until her boyfriend gives in. Oftentimes, Fan #2 is escorted by Fan #1, making a baby that could only be more apathetic about sports if he stops getting first row seats via his trust fund.
Related Pic: My Ex-Girlfriend.
Level #3: The Know-Nothing
Qualities: Male, Likes art, theatre, and indie rock, most likely a hipster. Pretentious, possibly gay, definitely drinks PBR.
What's He Like? The know-nothing is usually an douchebag. He's the guy your girlfriend likes and brings around. You don't like him but everyone else does. Has contempt for everything sports. If your watching sports while he's over, he'll complain about either how much money they make, how pointless the game is, or the effect baseball has on Filipino factory workers. He drives a hybrid. Won't go to a game because he has to see his gay sister's art exhibit on Friday night. Will go to a game if your girlfriend goes though. He wears wool hats in spring because they look cool, even though they were probably made by the same Filipino factory workers he was complaining about before. Also, will not go to any expensive restaurant but will only go to bars where the cover is in double digits.
Related PIc: Hipster fuck.
Level #4: The Knowledgeable Girl
Qualities: Not hot, but good-looking. Happy-go-lucky. "One of the guys." Likes beer, sex, and BBQ'n. Likes 80's music and has one of those hot jerseys that the girl in the 2nd picture is wearing but she's not taking her clothes off. At the game, at least.
What's She Like? She's the girl you meet at the bar who's watching the game who says something smart about your team, which amazes you, because she's a girl. She doesn't know as much as she thinks but at least she's trying. This is the highest level for women. Doesn't mind if you watch the game as long as you watch VH1 shows with her afterward. Will always jump at the chance to go to a game with you. Claims she "loves" her team but doesn't know all the rules, players, or newcomers to the team. Pisses me off. Sports are for male bonding, ladies. We need time away from you occasionally.
Related Pic: Hello there, money vacuum.
Level #5: The Casual Fan (Also "Bandwagon Fan")
Qualities: Cool but is a liar. Little bit of an asshole. Usually good-looking or really bad looking. Desperate to fit in but doesn't "love" sports.
What's he like? He might be a nice enough guy but will ask you dumb questions during sports games. Will be really quiet during any discussion about sports. Dresses nicer than you. Has better hair than you. Would say yes to go to any sports games but would try not to talk about the team he's watching. Likes everything else that guys like, just isn't too much into sports. Gets excited when a team is doing well and starts to follow them more. Might be a little boring. Might just be an idiot. Has much, much more sex than me. Or none at all. Which is almost as much as me.
Related Pic: Always casual.
Level #6: The Fantasy Man
Qualities: Risk-taker, smart, much like #5 but not an asshole. Has demanding job. Isn't a heavy drinker. Has never heard of Augie Ojeda. Which is a damn, damn shame.
What's He Like? Knows about the awesome game that was on last night but was probably switching between that and "Law and Order." Is pretty much a normal guy. Usually stressed out. Is in your fantasy league but doesn't really check it. Knows who Alfonso Soriano is but doesn't know who Koyie HIll is. More likes the idea of sports than actually likes sports. Knows generic things about sports but still probably not able to have an actual argument about sports. Probably doesn't get laid often. Still a good guy, just is never going to write for ESPN.com. Probably drinks some sort of liquor on the rocks and never beer.
Related Pic: Well, not he's not THIS cool.
Level #7: Pretty Big Fan
Qualities: Dumb, jock, fat or just huge, an ass, blind to all qualities.
What's He Like? Loves sports because he played it in high school. Goes out drinking with the guys to watch the game, when they invite him. Big drinker during games, usually gets drunk when he goes. Knows the major players and a few minor ones as well, but doesn't know how they're doing this season. Claims to know more about sports than you. Makes comments like "God, I'd bang Erin Andrews so hard." Breaks down a bad at-bat by saying "Man, he fuckin' sucks." Knows the rules of the game but not really the intricacies of it. Plays fantasy sports and occasionally gets lucky but is usually around the middle of the pack. Not a very good wingman. Is a very good drinking buddy. Isn't much for analysis but sometimes you don't want Joe Buck sitting next to you while watching the game.
Related Pic: Mmmm, calories...
Level #8: The College Freak
Qualities: Loves college, talks about college, hates post-grad life, horny, good-looking (or at least average looking), acts "cool", always fashionably late.
What's He Like? Only enjoys college sports, but is very hardcore about them. Misses college because life at home isn't the same and can't adjust to that. Knows everything and anything about his college's teams. Usually supports one conference more than the rest and will tell you "Man, Iowa State's Offensive Line is awesome this year" as if everyone knew that. Openly criticizes professional sports, complaining about the money, how pro's don't care and how the game isn't as pure. Won't complain about how corrupt college programs are and will never admit how bad the quality of play in college sports actually is. More than likely, March Madness is their favorite time of the year and they will not take their eyes away from the screen for the entire month. Probably eats healthier than you and I'm not sure why I threw that in there.
(Un)Related Pic: Umm...Go, Texas, Go.
Level #9: The Die-Hard
Qualities: Loyal, agreeable, not very athletic but not fat, smart, cocky, sexually adventurous.
What's He Like? Knows pretty much everyone on his favorite teams and how they are doing. Loves fantasy sports and gets very in-depth about them, checking them almost every day. Loves watching the game and will almost never turn the channel. Can hold his own in an intelligent sports argument. Watches Sportscenter at least once a day and visits ESPN.com often. Will never turn down going to a game, even if the game sucks. Hates fans from opposing cities. Knows what OPS, WHIP, VORP, YAC, and GAA against are. Checks scores on his phone when he's out with his girlfriend. Openly gambles on sports. Loves tailgating and always encourages it. Can still have a good time after a teams loss but will say all night "Man, I can't believe we lost." Will always choose bro's over ho's. If a big game is on, he either won't go out til it's over or will make sure he's there before the game to catch it all. Will choose sex over sports, unless it's the 4th Quarter, 9th inning, Overtime, or Penalty Kicks.
Related Pic: There are no age restrictions.
Level #10: The Clinically Insane Fanatic
Qualities: Intense, crazy, angry or euphoric, single, not rich, not poor, cares about almost nothing but sports.
What's He Like? Lives and breathes sports. Watches Sportscenter on repeat. Has ESPN.com as his homepage and checks his fantasy team everyday, more than once. Knows the statistics of that Pirates high-school signing in Single A ball. Watches every game of his favorite team, even if its baseball. Takes Fantasy sports as series as regular sports. Definitely doesn't have a girlfriend but might pay for sex. Is extremely competitive in everything he does. Wonders what's wrong with you for starting Stephen Drew over Troy Tulowitzki, when Tulowitzki has 7 home games in Colorado that week and will openly criticize your intelligence for doing so. Knows who everyone his team's organization, even in the front office. Can have a conversation about how much better the play-by-play guy on the radio is getting at his job. Probably could work in the front office he knows so much. His friends girlfriends always ask "What's wrong with him?" That's why women are barely on the list.
Related Pic: Also enjoys sauerkraut on his brats.
Well, there you go. Hopefully you can define yourself as a sports fan through this list. Hopefully, if you're reading my blog, you at least won't be as low as the hipsters. Personally, I can't go as far as being a #10 but I'm happy at #8 or #9. It allows me to enjoy other things and not have sports interrupt my personal life (unless the Cubs are on). But that's just me. All I know is that life as a Chicago sports fan is pretty good right now, no matter what level you're on. It's always and it shows how much emotion sports can bring out. Even if it's in a fight. You know, like the video of sports fights below. Enjoy and Go Chicago!
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