Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: The Island

With my Michael Bay series at only 3 movies left, I'm a tad bit torn. On one hand, I won't have to watch these crappy movies anymore while drinking. On the other hand, I---wait, why am I torn? I'm more ecstatic than anything. So get your ice bucket near, find a ripped copy of the DVD online and join me as I watch and drink a movie I couldn't be more apathetic about. Another over 2 hour extraganza of horror Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: The Island. At least Scarlett Johansson is in it. She's pretttttty.

00:00:00: Today, I'll be drinking 7 & 7's cause that's really all I drink anymore. Whatever. Let's get this show on the proverbial road. (I could use proverbial in any sentence and you wouldn't know the proverbial difference. What a garbage word.)

00:01:00: The back of ScarJo's head is prettier than most girl's whole head.

00:02:35: To describe the scene I just saw would give me a seizure.

00:03:36: Ewen McGregor has a high sodium level. Must be all those soft pretzels. They are pretty yummy.

00:05:25: Big black dude won the lottery. Something tells me "going to the island" is like telling your 5 year old your dead dog ran away.

00:08:18: Where do I sign up for this place?

00:10:10: Anything hotter than ScarJo asking for 5 pieces of bacon? Not that I know of.

00:12:40: Is Ewen McGregor a good actor? I can never tell. Good looking cat though.

00:13:34: Preach on Ewen! Tofu night is for losers!

00:15:49: Synaptic brain scan does NOT sound harmless, guy who played the villain in Goldeneye.

00:17:14: "What are we doing here anyway?" Good question.

00:19:18: Lima One Alpha starts going into labor. Maybe her kids name will be Lima Beana Zeta.

00:21:06: Hey look! It's Steve Buscemi! Must be awesome to be Michael Bay's go-to-guy.

00:21:49: "You're a bad influence on me...must be why I like you." Pretty much all my friends have told me that at least once.

00:23:40: Ewen sees a butterfly and this, ladies and gentlemen, is an actual plot point.

00:25:03: So this island is for growing people? They stole my idea.

00:26:56: Creepy overview of exo-skeletens. Exactly what I want to watch when I'm pouring another drink.

00:28:01: Virtual kickboxing between ScarJo and E-Mac. I think he lets her win. Hell, who wouldn't?

00:29:29: I wish ScarJo could tell when I was lying...in her bed. ZING!

00:30:12: Residents have just discovered the word "Dude". Now they know 5% of my vocab.

00:31:10: ScarJo wins the island lottery and she gets a one-way ticket to paradise, death, or Michael Bay's living room.

00:33:43: Ewen's doing something but....uh....idk wtf's goin 2 happ.

00:34:55: E-Mac is playing doctor. Or scientist? He's the MASTTTTTER OF DISGUISE!

00:36:18: Lima Beana just gave birth and now they are killing her. Come on silly, I coulda told u that!

00:37:05: Ewen = horrified. Now they are giving the baby to some real couple. So this is an adoption agency? Lamest. Plot. Ever.

00:39:02: Words you don't wanna hear when you're getting surgery: "I don't want to have to euthanize this guy to get his liver." So now this is an organ transplant harvesting plant? Better than adoption agency, still ultra-lame.

00:41:25: Ewen's been caught snooping. You are, as they in China, about to be aborted.

00:41:55: Drinking is funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNnnnnnn.

00:43:01: E-Mac and ScarJo are escaping. THINK THEY'LL MAKE IT OMGZZ???

00:44:10: The cameraman is having a seizure, somebody call NINE ONE ONE! THE CAMERAMAN IS SEIZING ON THE GROUND FLOOR! OH OH OH!

00:45:47: If ScarJo saved my life, I'd thank her. Hard.

00:47:36: Still trying to escape. Is this gonna be the rest of the movie? There better be a sex scene or something.

00:49:25: So they were really just underground in the desert. Might be a bit of a hike out of there.

00:51:19: Black guy walking off a helicopter, much cooler than any white guy could ever hope to look walking out of helicopter.

00:54:24: Resting on the steps of a Mayan temple. Will they sing nonsense songs in 12 bars to the jaguars? Ok, ok, now I'm getting too obscure.

00:55:10: E-Mac, didn't anyone ever tell not to play with rattlesnakes?

00:56:32: They stop educating these droids at 15 so they won't have sex. Clearly, they never went to high school.

00:57:00: Dialogue fail: after seeing a motorcycle, "what's that?!" "I don't know...but I want one." And I want a fucking pony.

00:57:05: Epic dialogue sequence about dumping and cans and straight up booze.

00:58:06: Give me your number. "Two delta." OH SCARLET!! SO CUTIEEEEE!

00:59:31: Steve Buscemi's telling ScarJo and E-Dawg there's no Santa Claus. Or something.

01:00:14: Ohhhh, they're clones. That makes more sense than my creepy aliens from the sun theory.

01:01:49: They've got sponsors out in the real world. Eventually, we'll have that in common.

01:03:09: DJIMON HONOSOU = BORN TO TRACK DOWN ROGUE CLONES

01:04:07: So ScarJo and E-Boy are going to find their original copies. Seems like THAT'll end well.

01:06:22: Steve Buscemi tells them not to trust anyone. Bet they trust people and get screwed. OH NO! just shot at.

01:07:07: ScarJo running? Win.

01:08:30: E-Bunny and ScarJo get on a futuristic looking train. Are we in Japan?

01:10"06: Hover trains? Seems a little pretentious, even for California.

01:11:08: ScarJo sees her real self in a perfume ad. Awwwkward.

01:11:22: Wait, two ScarJo's? Not awk-ward. awk-some!

01:12:42: "We just got a facial hit on our fugitive." Oooo, sounds kinky.

01:14:11: Our heroes are arrested, but not by ROGUE CLONE HUNTER.

01:15:40: ROGUE CLONE HUNTER inadvertanely helps our heroes escape from the cops. LAPD fail.

01:17:49: Getting chased. I'll let you know what happens.

01:19:19: So many cars were destroyed since we last talked, I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

01:21;00: E-Gregor and ScarJo are on some futuristic hover motorcylce thing. Despite being a clone, E-Dawg has mastered the art of the probably easy-to-drive hover motorcycle. Now for only $24,000!

01:23:10: It's EPIC BEARD GUY from Bad Boys 2! Our heroes = fucked.

01:24:29: Literal scene: heroes feel off a building a landed in a net. Fine. A NET!

01:26:05: Awww, they're about to kill E-Dawg's friend. Good thing I've seen that actor on small-time commercials now.

01:28:08: Clones about to meet theyselves. I smell sitcommmmmmmmm.

01:28:11: I also smell like Seagrams 7.

01:29:20: Ewen meets Ewen and all the ladies swoon like it's Christmas in Jew-ly.

01:30:50: So the clones gain the abilities of their real guys. My clone would rule.

01:32:10: Real Ewen talks in Scottish and fake Ewen talks American. Talk about an ugly accent contest.

01:34:11: This is too weird to even remotely enjoy. Also, it's too stupid.

01:35:33: Real Ewen is turning them in. Motherfucker's gotta represent.

01:36:55: I'd let a clone drive my $500,000 car too. If I was SCOTTISH AND DUMB.

01:38:22: Ewen must escape from ROGUE CLONE HUNTER! And oh, is he manuevering through traffic like a drunk Scottish highlander.

01:40:12: Now both Ewen's are trying to convince ROGUE CLONE HUNTER that they are both the original.

01:41:04: Real dude, murdered. ROGUE CLONE HUNTER might want to find a new job.

01:42:56: E-Dawg kisses S-Jo. OMG SO JEALOUS!

01:43:21: "That tongue thing is amazing." Words men can only dream of saying to SJO. Oh, they just banged.

01:45:40: So they're gonna kill E-Dawgs entire line of clones. That's a bigger recall than Ford! BOO-YA CAR JOKE!

01:47:02: Here's the "We Can't Let Them Get Away With This Moment Accompained By Emotional Instrumenatal Music."

01:48:24: Just going around killing clones like it ain't a thang.

01:49:30: ScarJo gets captured purposely by ROGUE CLONE HUNTER. Interracial scene imminent.

01:50:30: E-Dawg posing as the real guy to get into the clone place. Clones intelligence > mine.

01:51:55: Some creepy guy gets in ScarJo's face about her kidneys. DON'T TAKE THAT GIRL!

01:53:10: ScarGregor meet up. Loveeee it.

01:54:31: ROGUE CLONE HUNTER seems broken up about this whole clone killing operation. NO! CHARACTER RUINED!

01:55:30: Sean Bean, you're last name and your acting are just things that make me fart.

01:56:49: Don't you wish the place you worked at had a hologram room? I'd be all up in their eerday.

01:58:10: Scarjo and ROGUE CLONE HUNTER are now a team to be reckoned with. ladies and gents, it doesn't get much better.

01:59:40: Fights and explosions. Too hard to tell what's really going on, but it's all good. Because you just know E-Dawg's gonna beat the Bean.

02:01:04: Explaining what just happened is impossible. The Bean is dead. Long live the Lima.

02:02:22: The clones all run away as ROGUE CLONE HUNTER walks through the light. So epic.

02:03:10: Whaddya get when you get a few thousand clones walking around aimlessly in the desert? Some pretty damn confused clones! BWAHAHAHHAHA! (That really wasn't funny though, was it?)

02:04:27: ScarJo and E-Baby sail away to a REAL island, presumably to have ultra-attractive looking kids. I'm talking EPIC HOTTNESS!

Fin.


There you have it. We come closer and closer to this emotionally and physically draining segment only known as the drunk michael bay review. With only the two Transformers movies left to go, I'll probably do the first one next week and wait til the other one comes out on Blu-Ray, which is hopefully never. Anyways, I hope at least YOU enjoy this uber-disastorous drunken rambling on shitty movies. But you know what? I actually didn't mind doing it to this one. Not to say that the movie was good by any means, but compared to Pearl Harbor, I'd give this an Oscar. Anyways....
ADIOS MUCHACHOS!