Guys Just Wanna Have Rum

WHAT? God, I'm ancy. Can't you tell? My girlfriend has been on a cruise for a while and I've had no car since then and my hormones feel like a pregnant girl craving chocolate, then sex, then chocolate again. Then sex. Again. Damnit. I like girly drinks and I presume every guy does. They're frickin delicious. But I would never order one. Girls may not know why. I'm here, as always, to explain. Here is What Fruity Drinks Say About Straight Guys.

Cosmopolitan
Why He Ordered It: Feel asleep to "Sex in the City" and is jonesing for one bad.
Probable Reaction: "What's that red thing in your hand, bro?"
Cover Up Attempt: Ordering a cosmo is an experience for a man. An experience in extreme lameness, that is. He's throwing out all reservations for good taste, something no men do. That's why we drink whiskey, scotch, and tequila. A man who has enough guts to say "cosmopolitan" is a man with misguided guts. Someone who orders it might tell you "It's really just a fancy name for a vodka/cranberry!" Whatever, Samantha. If the bartender is a guy, he will snicker and not serve this guy for the rest of the night. If the bartender is female, she'll set him up on a blind date--with her gay best friend.
Pictured: Founder of the Samantha Fan Club


Appletini
Why He Ordered It: Watches alot of "Scrubs" and is trying to be ironic or something.
Probable Reaction: "When you're done, are you gonna stick that tini core up your ass?"
Cover Up Attempt: The man likes vodka, yet can't deal with it straight. Doesn't like beer or any of that other "manly" stuff. Really just wants a drink that tastes good. Too bad that means all the men are going to be looking at him. Straight ones making fun of him and gay ones wondering how big his penis is. The man's friends will ostracize him for the rest of the night, for fear of "gay by association" chants. Will likely attempt to salvage his rep by pounding whiskey the rest of the night but, as is when you wet your pants eight years ago, "people don't forget!"
Pictured: Future Molester of your son.


Tequila Sunrise
Why He Ordered It: Remembers that one time he got hammered off Cuervo and banged that hand model.
Probable Reaction: "Sunrise? You gotta wake up in the morning to get your balls waxed?"
Cover Up Attempt: Well, it is tequila. But who drinks orange juice at a bar? Females. That's who. I mean the drink is red. You must be on your period, bro! Probably will try to make up for this drink by getting more ass than you. Fucker. Go listen to that Eagles song. "Just another Tequilaaaa Sunrise." I'VE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT AND I HATE THE FUCKING EAGLES MAN! And I hate not getting ass. It's like you get to it, you get to the mambo then she's like no no. FUCK. My brain is farting. Stupid penis.
Pictured: A guy who also hates The Eagles. And they do blow.


Amaretto/Midori Sour
Why He Ordered It: Heard the girl next to him order it and has been to bar like twice in his life.
Probable Reaction: "You like it sweet, eh sugartits?"
Cover Up Attempt: Not experienced in acceptable bar etiquette, apparently he didn't know there is a such thing as a "whiskey sour." It's alright to order this drink--if you wanna walk around like a jackass. One would have to say a Midori Sour is worse because, well, it's green. And it's only ok for a guy to drink green drinks on St. Patricks Day. Or if you're in China for New Year's--more on that later, though. Hold on--I'm having a chocolate craving. AHHHH!!! Whew where was I? Oh yes. Midori Sours. They're for fags.
Pictured: i think that's a guy. If it's not....yikes.


Pina Colada
Why He Ordered It: Maybe he just heard that one song and likes getting caught in the rain.
Probable Reaction: "What's in that drink--cum and rum? No wonder you're swallowing it so fast."
Cover Up Attempt: I've never been a fan of Pina Colada's. Rum is overrated and this drink is actually the highest calorie drink of all the alcoholic drinks (source: look it up on your own on google.) Perhaps the guy was on vacation and ordered it since it's such a vacation drink. May try and make up for his mistake by ordering Corona afterwards but Corona is nearly as girly. Why don't you just drink Michelob Ultra Light? Pussy. Go get caught in the rain with some other guy's balls. (All Blog and No Sex Makes Mike a Mean Boy)
Pictured: Pucker up, madam.


Fuzzy Navel
Why He Ordered It: Had schnapps that one time and it was "a killer night, dawg."
Probable Reaction: "Your dick get schnapped off or something?"
Cover Up Attempt: I'm not sure how one could go to up to a bar and ask for this drink. This drink doesn't even taste good! But I suppose after the guy who orders this gets slapped in the balls til he pukes, he could drink straight scotch for the rest of the night, get the phone numbers of twins, and get laid in the bathroom to atone for such a hideous bar offense as ordering a fuzzy navel. Who even likes a literal fuzzy navel? NOT MEN! Nobody wants to see hair on a girl there--or anywhere besides her head for that matter! SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Pictured: Milk--a manly drink.


Long Island Iced Tea
Why He Ordered It: Wants to get fucked up and has no idea what to order besides this.
Probable Reaction: "What, you need to be hammered to hook up with chicks?"
Cover Up Attempt: Some may disagree and say the long island is more of a universal drink, for men and women, or a good name for a big penis that a Jewish girl made up. But I disagree (with the first part). The long island iced tea is expressly for getting girls drunk enough to get horny and make mistakes. Guys wanna get drunk, order a beer. Order whiskey. Goddamnit, don't ruin the long island iced tea. LET GIRLS HAVE IT! THE MORE OF A GIRLY DRINK WE MAKE IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL DRINK IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL BE DRUNK, THE MORE GIRLS WILL HAVE SEX! Listen to me. Please? (Ed.'s Note: Mike has lost it. This is why you don't participate in "sex challenges" with your girlfriend when she's on vacation.)
Pictured: YOU THINK THIS SHIT HAPPENS WHEN GIRLS DRINK BEER?


I hope I helped you examine the male psyche of girl drunkenness. There's not much to it really. Stray away from these ones though, ladies! They might turn over before you know it! Happy New Years! GET DRUNK AND HAVE FUN AND GET LAID I WONT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: All or Nothing

You like it, you love it...here's some more of it. Drunk real time reviews of all those cheerleading movies you love cherish and ask for on your birthdays, anniversaries, christmas, chanukah, and kwanza. On that note...if you celebrate kwanza...you probably aren't at the right blog. But read on anyone! It's the one with Hayden Penetrationierre! That hot chick from Heroes and the little girl from Remember the Titans. And if you're a pedofile, that hot little girl from Remember the Titans. Also, please leave if you are that. Also the token black girl is Beyonce's sister...and she's 22. For once, I'm the real winner between writer vs. readers.

00:00:00: I'm drinking whatever the hell I want! WHAT DOES IT MATTA?!

00:00:44: Hayden grinding at prom. Then jumping. Who cares about the plot.

00:01:11: The star QB wins prom king. Where do they go to school, CRAZYTOWN?!?!

00:01:57: Cheering at Prom? Ummm...I feel like that's cool I guess.

00:02:55: Some kind of Satan worship cheer is going down. Is this one of those movies liek From Dusk Til Dawn where the vampires don't come til halfway through?

00:03:43: If this is one of Hayden's dreams, then where am I?

00:03:55: Hayden farted. Wait...girls do that?

00:04:33: Killer camera phone Hay-dawg.

00:05:00: Rihanna is in this? If Chris Brown shows up....WHOA!

00:05:55: PDA for Hay-Hay? AH so gross OMG WTF.

00:06:16: Hayden's a virgin? Haha. So is Lindsay Lohan.

00:06:59: Dude's gonna bang her by homecoming. I like this plot. It's like if American Pie was centered around jailbait and retarded monkeys.

00:07:46: Some guy just got hit in the balls. You really can't go wrong with comedy like that.

00:08:20: What's wrong with a big ass? I like them. So do black people. Right? I don't really know any, so maybe I'm wrong.

00:09:33: Hayden eating Funyons. I think I dreamt about that a few times. Also, they just mentioned Rihanna 3 times in a sentence. Shameless promotion, ftw I suppose.

00:10:38: Hayden's dad has a hideous mustache. This is a new category of bad mustache. It will be forever known as Shitstache.

00:11:16: Hayden has to move. RIGHT WHEN SHE MADE CAPTAIN! AHHH FUCK THAT!

00:12:04: Hayden was chewing gum and then she wasn't all in one double take. Someone must have used Diet iMovie to edit this one.

00:13:13: I think they are burying a dead body. Wait. They were burying her pom poms. Not even Beyonce's jailbait daughter can save us!

00:14:22: Girl spinning on her head. Doesn't that hurt or cause brain damage? Or wait...this is public school. Nevermind, nobody cares!

00:15:04: Awww Hayden's already getting made fun of at the black school. Let's all feel bad for her. Whoa beyonce's daughter isn't even that cute. My advice: ride the sis' coattails.

00:16:13: Blonde walking into a black school. Like meat thrown into the lions den.

00:17:00: "You speak IM? OFW!" That was literally written by someone. There have been like 82 abreevs. Save me whiskey.

00:18:05: The metal detector went off in Hayden's pants. Join the club.

00:19:09: Why would she need to go to public school if she was rich? That's so dumb, take a limo an hour away you stupid hoebag.

00:20:15: Some ho just slapped HayHay's Booty. From now on, I will speak ghetto in honor of mental retardation.

00:20:55: That cafeteria food looks good. If poop tastes good. HAHAHA.

00:21:21: Who the fuck cheers in a cafeteria? I would throw hot dogs ate them and yell "You suck suck those!"

00:22:02: Black people are pleased so easily. Must be why Tyler Perry's rich.

00:22:53: Not even the white chicks like Hayden. At least you can act!

00:23:55: hayden ran into a locker. Her rack looks better when she's lying down.

00:24:36: I bet these two will kiss in the next hour. Now excuse me while I kisssss da skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

00:25:11: Holy S, yo! Dose Cheerleedas be rockin' mad flips and handostandos! And that guy is clearrly nawt Hispaniccc!

00:26:03: (Convienent announcement for cheerleading tryouts)

00:26:34: "Queerleaders!" Haha new name for male cheerleaders in my memory bank forevah evah.

00:27:19: The production value on this movie is surprisingly low.

00:28:22: Beyonce's sis is a total bitch. I'm telling Beyonce on you. (Dreams of doing so.....)

00:29:09: Girl's are so much more manupulative than guys. Like, twirling their hair means FUCK YOU HOBITCH. Whoa!

00:30:00: Cheer off! I haven't been this aroused since 4:59!

00:30:34: One time, One day, I want to be known as "Vanilla Latte." IGTS. What does that mean, mis hoes de sorority?

00:32:44: Where does one go about getting one of those pink star crusted heart jackets? Also, Rihanna radio mention. I bet you a penny worth of Kristal that she plays at the final competition.

00:33:55: Pout Pout Pout I want to cheer. Oops I feel in a box wah wah wah.

00:34:40: Hayden just grabbed a guy's balls. Now THAT'S a threat I wanna be threatened with! SEX JOKE!

00:35:35: Black can, for all intensive purposes, dance very well. But that doesn't mean we whites cannot "bust a move." Oh the lingo kids use nowadays!

00:35:53: First "awww shit!" It's about time.

00:36:44: Girl just flicked off Hayden and said "That's my spirit finger." I've got spirit fingers. They're gunfingaz.

00:37:40: Flat-chested girl from the old school can't get control of the squad. Push up bras might help.

00:38:22: Holy shit this girl learned to dance at the StripClub University. My favorite of them all.

00:39:05: Asian girl's a blackbelt. Where's the stereotyping?

00:40:20: They're break dance fighting.

00:40:50: They now appear to be crumping. That's not a thing, is it?

00:41:48: Now Hayden is crumping. I'd crump the shit out of her.

00:42:38: Hayden looks like my girlfriend when she's having an epileptic fit.

00:43:31: If crumping will get me noticed by Rihanna, what will ChrisBrowning do?

00:44:40: Beyonce Jr doesn't like crumping. Jay-Z Jr must have her on a leash!

00:45:43: I like her hoopy earings. Ghettofab.

00:46:11: I know nothing about fashion and know that what Hay-Hay's wearing is what gay people would call "a disaster worse than Chernobyl."

00:47:49: Why doesn't wanna have sex with the dumb jock? Isn't that all girls misguided and what will eventualy be a dissappointment's dream?

00:48:48: Is there a real "Cheer TV" and how can I order it on Comcast?

00:49:40: The school has a drumline. Where's Nick Cannon? He's hialrrrrious.

00:50:30: Flat chest vs. HayHay's Boobs! Together they might make a regular breast size.

00:51:50: Rihanna mentions: 19. Strangely, I feel like listening to "Disturbia."

00:52:33: Girls are gonna crump all the way to nationals. You go, respectful word for ladies.

00:53:22: Nothing like a cheer montage to "Hollaback Girl." I think 96% of their budget was for the music and Rihanna.

00:54:36: Maroon is such an ugly color. When will people learn.

00:55;11: I go to the beach in november too. Except I go ice skating.

00:55:33: That's hilar, West Coast Guido.

00:56:30: Kiss. How cute, except HayHay looks like she ain't feeling it. Maybe she's got his hair gel in her eye.

00:57:30: Now she looks like a pinata. WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SPELLING OUT IM ABBREVIATIONS IN NORMAL CONVERSATION EVERY OTHER WORD AHHHH

00:58:12: Apparently, your dog dying is a bad excuse to miss a cheer meet. If you say it like a bumbling idiot.

00:59:00: Me thinks that's not the last time our beloved Hayden has put a twizzler in her mouth.

00:59:38: The dumb jock is doing a good job at playing the dumb jock. Me thinks that's no coincidence.

01:00:31: I'll beat the "dude" out of you. That's pretty clever.

01:01:11: Guido vs. Dumbass for HayHay. The pretty girls sure know how to choose them.

01:02:02: A room key as a prom present. How romantic. I got some hand lotion for prom.

01:03:21: A Rihanna mention and a fat joke in the same sentence and HAYDEN AINT HAPPY! BITCHES BE STEPPING ON HER SHIT!

01:04:10: The following words were said in near succession: "Crouching Tiger, Wigger, Buttpirate" Somewhere, a 14-year old writer is counting the money from this movie.

01:05:31: My brain hurts.

01:06:20: Hayden just straight up worked it with her booty. All ghetto style. (Looks for hand lotion I got for prom)

01:07:03: Flat Chest wins Prom Queen. Her uncircumsised dad and fat mom must be so proud.

01:08:11: Dumb jock gets broken up with. Looks like the guido's gonna win out. First time since The Situation fought Snooki.

01:09:35: Don't diss a black person. ALso, Hayden learned valuable lesson that you should conform. How sweet.

01:10:14: RahRahBarbie and her WuTangClan. So much racial tension, I feel like I'm watching West Side Story, Retard Edition.

01:11:11: She's back on the squad. Did I even mention that she was off it? Eh who cares. Deal with it.

01:12:39: Cheerleaders sure are flexible. I know because I slept with so many in high school.

01:13:26: Gotta tell HayHay how you feel! Be a Guido not a Guidon't!

01:14:33: Rihanna makes an apperance. Wonder how much effort she puts in to this. Answer: Not Much.

01:15:30: HayHay's team is cheering and it looks like all she did was take some Beginner's Ballet Lessons to learn the part. Bravo.

01:16:21: I'm no cheer judge, but this is just dancing.....If I can tell the difference.....

01:17:09: But since Rihanna's judging....the ghettoer the better I suppose. BTW how is that fat black chick getting thrown? Be like me throwing a Toyota.

01:18:32: Hayden's rivals are doing much better. And by that I mean...they are dressed way sluttier.

01:19:24: They're still cheering and the slutty comment was really all I had.

01:20:22: One of the rival hoes just passed out from lack of eating. Reminds me of that time I got stoned and forgot I was eating until I passed out mid chew.

01:21:45: These people are treating a big ass like it's some sort of hinderance. Rihanna's judging...shake that thing girl.

01:22:25: Guido and HayHay are making up. Classic.

01:23:21: The winners are in! And Rihanna's back from her part-time job of being Chris Brown's sparrer.

01:24:11: We have the twist ending! IT's between the two rival schools!

01:24:41: Cheer-Off in front of Rihanna. Reminds me of that tike I ____'d off in front of Rihanna.

01:25:46: Rivals (SluttyDancers) go first and they are dancing as slutty as ever, with a few moans thrown in. Christmas in December. Wait. That line doesn't work.

01:26:43: They're gonna improv like they do on the streets! Or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Probably the streets though.

01:27:29: Question: how are they all in sync if they are improv'n. That makes little sense. Then again...I am watching Bring it On 3 while drinking.

01:28:49: Also, they are dressed in camo. It's not hot. At least they blend in. Don't black people already look enough alike? Haha, I kid I kid.

01:29:31: Rihanna loves it. She's in the minority. But she's used to that so it's ok.

01:30:09: Rihanna also loves making the rules. Time the titles been said: 6.

01:31:16: HayHay's team wins. Proceed to feel shock and awe. And sunshine.

01:32:20: Is over. Commence real celebration.

Goodnight!

'Twas Drunk Before Christmas

Twas drunk before Christmas, looking up my girls blouse
The whole room was blurry, her squeaking like a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
but I tore them down and put up my underwear.

The children could probably hear us in bed,
"Stop!" they cried, but that's not what she said.
And her mom and mine drank wine, spilling on their lap
While the whiskey I'm drinking tastes like crap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
'twas just my friend Tom in his car, drunker and fatter
Right out the window, I hear quite a crash
But it was just my drunk friend knocking over my trash.

And his drunk ass fell down in the snow,
Which was a shame, cause he spilled all the blow.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My mom and hers lining up some good cheer.

We took shots of tequila but the blow hit us quick!
We were more fucked than Tiger Woods' dick.
"I love a white christmas," I did proclaim,
"What a faggot!" they said, and my high felt like shame.

"You're both skanks and whores, maybe even vixens!
Oh, you use Comet to clean carpets, but it makes the stains mix in!
And look at those drapes, you should be appalled!
Now line up more cocaine, before I go bald!"

As I looked for vodka, rum, or some rye
The cabinet was bare, the whole house was dry.
But as I searched the home of the women I not knew,
I found some chew, brew, and sniffed glue.

And then, while tweaking, I heard a noise on the roof
But it was probably just my mind going aloof.
The ladies were talking of shopping, it sounded so profound!
I went back to the daughter, debating the complex nature of proper nouns!

As I arrived, she sparked up a doobie, as long as a foot!
And she handed me a bottle with beer, not of the variety "root."
Like a dream, she pulled out some heroin and crack,
I said "Suit yourself, I don't dabble in smack."

His eyes-how they sparkled, I thought the drugs made her merry,
Until her nose bled out like 100 smashed cherries.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And all I could think of was getting more blow.

For the next fifteen minutes, I stared at a wreath,
while the old ladies watched "What Lies Beneath."
That Michelle Pfieffer, I said, Isn't she smelly?
The old ladies were confused and turned back to the telly

"Your daughter, I say, that's short as an elf,
I think she OD'd and puked on herself!"
I sipped on my whiskey, while the women fleed,
I didn't feel bad, everyone knows not to mix heroin and speed.

I turned up the telly, the women were yelling and going berserk,
They rushed to the ER, while she bled on my seat. Jerk.
And laying my finger aside of my nose,
I asked if they could drop me at off at the 2-for-1 special at Joe's.

They rushed into the hospital, as fast as a missle,
I stayed in the car to listen to that rap song with the whislte.
There I sit drunk, as high as a kite,
Not letting a pesky O.D. ruin Christmas night!

Mike's Mildly Concussed Head's Best TV Shows of the Decade

I know these last few posts have had little to do with alcohol, but I must get said needs out of my system. Bear with me...I'll have another real-time review and holiday post up before years end. But you should all know the greatest things of the decade...so they are not lost to the past. What are the greatest TV shows of the decade and what criteria am I basing this on? Criteria is unimportant. It is the my opinion and you will follow it blindly thank you good day let's do this. Here are the 10 Best TV Shows of the 00's, As Told By Me With A Mild Concussion.

Honorable Mention: "Mad Men" -- "Mad Men," one of the best shows currently on TV, loses out on a top ten spot for one reason and one reason only: the inconsistency of it's third season, although still a good season, has not been up to par with season's one and two.

10. Freaks and Geeks
Included Because: F&G's is probably still the best depiction of high school life to be on television. Although it only lasted one season, it paved the way for future Judd Apatow to be one of the most successful comedic directors of the decade. Actors Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, James Franco, among others, all got their start right here. And what a brilliant, funny depiction it was. Anyone who was ever a "freak" or a "geek" in high school can identify with the hilariously real creations that are the shows characters.

9. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Included Because: In a painful eight years of ineptitude in the White House, an historical election and perhaps the worst national tragedy in our nation's history, Jon Stewart became the face of the younger generation's news. Finally, there's someone to call out the screaming heads at Fox News, among other news outlets, and criticize the government when it needed to be. Jon Stewart perhaps was one of the most politically influential people, especially to younger people, of the decade.

8. The Sopranos
Included Because: HBO's excellent mob drama, The Sopranos was an explosively entertaining drama. Even the world's scariest people are not exempt from psychological problems like depression and anxiety, i.e. Tony Soprano. The show, although some were disappointed with the ending, was consistently captivating throughout its run. It's characters gave stand out performances and the story's direction never faltered. Mob life has never been so dramatic on the small screen.

7. Battlestar Galactica
Included Because: BSG, which will get me openly criticized for me being a complete loser and it's spot on the list, was an excellent drama. I once thought too that it was completely only for nerds of the highest degree--until I saw it. It's action packed, thumping space drama that has rich characters and a compelling mythos. It's so much more than just nerd fodder: it's a human drama, set in space. Freaks and Geeks is in high school, The Sopranos is in the mob, and BSG is in space. Why it gets the nerd rap, I don't know, but it's undeserved since it's excellence is relatively unmatched in the sci-fi genre, or almost any drama as a whole.

6. Curb Your Enthusiasm
Included Because: Larry David's next show about nothing is almost as good, if not as good, as his baby Seinfeld. Such a simply show, played to perfection by David and his improv companions. It's the tale of a rich Jewish man living in L.A., obsessed with the most superfluous, ridiculous details of life. It's hilarious in it's subtly but also overt in that it knows what it's dealing with. It's Seinfeld, on HBO, with a different lead actor that can actually act.

5. The Office (U.S.)
Included Because: Some might argue it should be the British version in this spot and perhaps those people are right. But the American "Office" translates much better to it's American audience than the British one. And let's be honest: the American version is a much happier show. Besides it's lackluster 1st season, The Office has been consistently hilarious. It perhaps uses running jokes better than any other show, yet still manages to keep them funny. It has developed every member of Dunder Mifflin and given their own perfect persona. The Office is funny, awkward, and heartfelt. And it's proved that you CAN have the "will they or won't they" couple get together and still keep the show very, very funny.

4. Friday Night Lights
Included Because: It's one of the crimes of the decade that viewers couldn't see past the football of this show and give it a chance--since it's one of the best dramas on television. It's focus on a small, football obsessed town focuses on so much more than sport. High school, marriage, corruption, and all the elements of a good drama are there to draw the viewers in. No show will break your heart or lift it up more so than FNL, and you will be rewarded for your faith in the show while tuning in. It's a show that's hard to describe but so easy to be drawn in by. Brilliant, yet overlooked, performances give the show a mystique rarely found on TV.

3. Lost
Included Because: For all it's haters, Lost has a ridiculously obsessed fanbase, me included. Usually sci-fi doesn't capture the loyalty of a large fanbase, but this show has done so by developing it's characters and centering the show around them. The show, granted, can be confusing at times, but really only to those who do not completely invest in the show. It's preposterously addicting--like the TV edition of crack. It's one of those things that must be seen to be believed. Beautiful, enriching, and emotionally invested, Lost will be a show imitated for years to come.

2. Arrested Development
Included Because: AD was definitely the best comedic creation of the decade. Centered around a dysfunctional family, AD became an epic collection of running jokes, catchphrases, meta-humor, and preposterously hilarious characters. It's a show that has lived on long past it's end date and has inspired similar shows. AD is the best sitcom of the decade, maybe even one of the best ever, and is so glorifiably table and just plain fun to watch that it's longevity will likely last much longer than any show could ever dream to.

1. The Wire
Included Because: The Wire is an achievement unlike any other. Paint a portrait of an entire city: but not only it's police force, rather it's police, it's drug dealers, it's addicts, and it's corrupt politicians. It explores the inner workings of the entire system, not just one. It's deliberate pacing may be off putting at first--but it transforms the show into something unbelievably monumental. It's one of the best collection of acting, direction, story, and personality that television has ever seen. It's emotionally haunting and supremely confident and real. It doesn't pull any punches or turn something into a happy ending to keep the audience uplifted. It's real, it's disturbing, it's captivating, but most of all--it's one of the best televisions since forever and ever.

Best Movies of the Decade

It's been quite a decade, hasn't it? Maybe not for movies, but still. What are the best movies of the decade? Who knows? Me. Here are the 11 Best Movies of the Decade.

11. Almost Famous (2000)
Almost Famous is a brilliant reminder of the beauty of music. I don't understand people who can't find emotion from listening to something beautiful in their headphones while lying in the dark. It's in Almost Famous that so many tragically beautiful moments remind us of the utter preposterousness of trying to be cool--when being yourself is the coolest thing in the world. From the "Tiny Dancer" scene on the bus, to the crazy awesome performance of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Almost Famous is the quintessential music movie.


10. In Bruges (2008)
Out of nowhere, perhaps the biggest surprise of this list swept up out of nowhere and simply stuns the audience. It's funny, smart, and the performances of Ralph Fiennes, Colin Farrell, and Brandon Gleason are all spot on with the tone of the movie. Set in the medieval town of Bruges, Belgium, the film follow two hitmen hiding out and the bizarre circumstances that surround them. Perhaps the most surprising thing about the movie is how much heart it is. It is bizarrely sweet, in a way that only a movie about two Irish hitmen hiding out in a historical town could be.
Funny Moments


9. The 40-Year Old Virgin (2005)
Judd Apatow's first effort as director started off a new era of comedy. To the ridiculous concept and bromance fad the movie starts, 40-Year Old Virgin is one of the most re-watchable movies of the decade. Steve Carrell is hilarious and it really started the rise of Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd as comedic tools. It's a comedic masterpiece that is quotable from start to finish, and who can ask for much more?


8. The Departed (2006)
Martin Scorsese's gangster flick, just a remake of an Asian film, brings so much to the table. One might look at the ridiculously stacked cast of DiCaprio, Damon, Nicholson, and Wahlberg, just to name a few, for the films success. And they wouldn't be far off. The densely layered plot takes twists and turns and drives its characters in so many different directions, it's hard to figure out who's playing who sometimes. But Scorsese succeeds where other gangster films fail: he's got an excellently written script to go along with the violence. And it's played to near perfection.


7. Lost in Translation (2003)
All lists are subjective, and I know this pick will be disputed. But there's something so beautiful about Lost in Translation. Painting Tokyo as a vibrant, alive city with two dead inside souls inside it, Sofia Coppola captures the feeling of hopelessness perfectly. What some may find boring about this movie, I simply find fantastic. Bill Murray is excellent and even Scarlett Johnasson's dialogue is minimal, as to allow us to take in her beauty. Lost in Translation shows that age, location, and distance have nothing to do with our happiness. It can happen anytime, anywhere, no matter what.
Lost in Translation Moments

6. (500) Days of Summer (2009)
Out of nowhere, a movie can take its audience and make it feel like they're living up on that screen. And in (500) Days of Summer, it's hipster agenda aside, it all feels real. It's what happens when two people fall in and out of love and how our own ideas of it can blind us from the truth. One of the best love stories of the decade, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the adorable Zooey Deschanel act on screen like they've been there before--and we all have.


5. There Will Be Blood (2007)
Pair the greatest actor of the generation with the greatest director of the generation and this is what you get: a piece of cinematic brilliance. Daniel Day-Lewis puts in a mesmerizing performance behind director Paul Thomas Anderson's oil spectacle. The movie is often overshadowed by Day-Lewis' bravura show of a performance, but Paul Thomas Anderson's vision is about much more than that. The ending has turned into a bit of a pop culture joke, but lest not forget how amazingly mesmerizing this PTA and DDL made There Will Be Blood.


4. Cidade de Deus (City of God) (2002)
The best foreign language film of the decade, if not the century, is no doubt City of God. The Brazilian gangster epic pans a depressing picture of the youth of Brazil's slums and the inner working of the terrifying "City of God" area that is a haven for violence. It's a brilliant piece of cinema and a master work of art that could only be equaled by a Scorsese.


3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
The greatest love story in the 00's, Eternal Sunshine is indie filmmaking with A-list stars. Perhaps the female performance of the decade, Kate Winslet is excellent as a quirky, lovelorn companion for Jim Carrey. As the movie erases the memories of their past romance, it doesn't stop them from finding each other yet again. It's serendipity at it's finest and it's the essence of love in it's most supernatural way.


2. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Shaun of the Dead is the reason many of those shitty parody movies are made--but one can hardly blame it. The best zombie movie, best comedy, and one of the best stories of the decade, Shaun combines all these elements to a near perfect result. There's little to complain about as Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Director Edgar Wright take us on an hilarious journey through London as a bunch of underachievers try to survive a zombie invasion. It's heartfelt, it's funny, and best of all--it knows exactly what it is and knows the perfect tone to convey.


1. Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
It's the reason we go to movies. To be enchanted. It's a love story but that's an inaccurate description. Every element of the film works to 100% perfection. The soundtrack is thumping in the vibrant slums. The cinematography is beautiful in an imperfect world. The actors are perhaps not perfect, but real. Director Danny Boyle leaves his audience with a feeling of euphoria leaving the theatre. It's a movie to be remembered. Cliched? Who cares? When a life is that hard, nothing but a happy ending is deserved.

Holiday Mailbag

It's that time of year that everyone loves! And I love it even more, do you know why? Because today marks a new mailbag, not just any mailbag-a real one. Well, not like a real mailbag, I'm not a mailman. But I am the mail MAN. For the first time in mailbag history, every question is for real. Real questions from real readers. WHAT A CONCEPT!

Q: What are your feelings about New Years Eve and the kiss at midnight? Is there any sort of etiquette, espeically if alcohol is involved? And say your girlfriend is going on vacation over New Years. Is she allowed to kiss someone else? Is she allowed to kiss another girl?

-E. Szymski, Bloomington, IL

A: My feelings on the kiss at midnight are that I love it. Alcohol is pretty much a given on New Years Eve, and there's no real etiquette to be quite honest. Interesting you ask such a convenient hypothetical question! She would absolutely not be able to kiss someone else--especially say if she took a friend and tried to kiss her. Because THEN they're already friends and the possibility arises of a spark igniting between the two. And a girl turning into a lesbian right after they dated you is all sorts of ego-shattering.

Q: This is my first Christmas where I am 21, so my family will finally let me drink. How completely obliterated do I get? Should I just take life by the throat and tell my family how I really feel about them or should I wait a few years to make a terribly large scene?

--B.P. Stewart, Bloomington, IL

A: This reminds me of my first X-Mas as a 21 year old, something I like to call Zzzz-Mas since I passed out during my family party. That is neither here nor there, though. Family parties are often tedious, nerving, and/or downright hard to deal with. You should absolutely get hammered like a loose nail on a floorboard. As for telling them what you really feel--that is an awful idea. Part of being a family is not telling them how you really feel of them. You think anyone wants to hear Grandma's old stories about her dancing with a navy man after a bunch of martini's? Hell no. But they also want that Best Buy gift card so they can pick up Season 5 of the Gilmore Girls.

Q: If you could pick any 2 celebrities that would be the "it" couple, based on success, money, looks, personality, and that would make the perfect baby... who would you choose and why?

--Anonymous, ScardyCatVille.

A: Hmm, this is a tough question. Looks and personality do not often come together. And who knows, two weeks ago I may have included Tiger Woods in this answer but now he's one of the last people I'd pick. Based on personality, looks, success, etc, I would have to include George Clooney, although a little old, and Beyonce. Perhaps the answer is a little weird...but there's nothing wrong with a little white chocolate. I mean, both those celebs are successful, attractive, and seem to be pretty down to earth in comparison to most others.

Q: What's the most embarrassing drinking story you have heard? (yours, a friends, or any other real one: I don't want to read the story about the people who picked up a troll on the road, sobered up, and realized they abducted a midget)-

--J. McDonald, Chicago, IL

A: Funny...that's the story of how me and my girlfriend met. Whoa, just kidding. As for most embarrassing, that's a toughie. And I can't post any of my girlfriend's stories since her entire family reads this. There was a time in college where I was "walking" home and a cop stopped me since I believe I had an open container. To get out of my ticket, I started crying and told him my fiancee just broke up with me...even though I hadn't had a girlfriend since junior high. The officer was very understanding and even offered me a ride home...but looking back I kinda wish I at least didn't just type that.

Q; What are your feelings on the conspiracy theory that Lady Gaga is a victim of government mind control?

--J-Mayer, Probably From Inside My House

A: Not all the questions can be winners apparently. But in the interest of fairness, I will of course answer it. I think that conspiracy theories and anyone who believes them are quite dumb. Why would the government mind control someone into being a mega-popstar crazy woman? Did they also mind control Stevie Wonder to be blind and Lance Bass to be gay? Let's be realistic here people.

Q; If you had to pick one of the following, who would you be? Cappie from GREEK,Chuck from CHUCK,Desmond from LOST,or Jack Bauer from 24?

--Anonymous, CrazyHoeLand.

A: Hmm, let's analyze this here...Cappie is a burnout college student so no. Jack Bauer runs around just killing people and getting shot at so also no. Desmond and Chuck...how does one decide? I have no clue. I'll go with Desmond, only because he's already got the girl...while Chuck is a bumbling idiot in front of them. Plus...I'd have that sexy (to girls, at least) Scottish accent. MMMMMMMM.

Q: Let's say you're sleeping with someone and they keep saying that you're "just friends". Then they spend every night at your house for practically 3 months. Then one night, they tell you they are starting to fall in love with you. A couple weeks later, they tell you they've met someone that they've "never felt so connected to and she's amazing" and it's back to friends doing it. Tell me Mike, did they ever really love me? Aw crap, I mean, did they ever really love you?

--R. Logan, ABC Family Studios

A: The only thing they really loved was sleeping with you. If they were sleeping with you for that long...but were able to fall for someone else that quickly, then I think it's pretty clear that you were being used for your fantastic body and possible flexibility. You're kind of a ho though.

Q; If you plan a spring break trip when you are single, but you have a boyfriend by the time you go on said trip are you considered single during the trip?

--Anonymous, Jillie's Sorority House

A: Only if you also want to be single when you come back.

Q: Why do you think red wine is good for you? And in a more general sense, what other alcoholic beverage do you suppose might prove beneficial to the human body in the long run?
-Sara Elizabeth Scarim, Buffalo Grove

A: Well, I think that red wine is good for you since it's the blood of christ, obviously. In more seriousness, red wine has certain ingredients that can be beneficial to your heart in the long run IF drank in moderation. Why, I don't know. As for any others, I know Guinness also has some potential health benefits, especially for the heart, if it is drank in moderation. But remember kiddos: everything in moderation, even moderation.

Q; What is your favorite place to go watch soccer games in Chicago and why?
-Tim Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL

A: Soccer is rather underappreciated in Chi-town and in the United States, which is a damn shame since I love it so much. But you can get your fix at The Globe Pub on the 1900 block of Irving Park Rd. It's fun (if you like soccer) and beer is moderately priced, which is a plus no matter what you like watching/not watching.

Q: What is Mike Fontenot's current relationship status, and do you think I'd have any chance of "touching base" with him?
--Some Girl that has no chance with Mike Fontenot
A: Mike Fontenot is currently single and in all likelihood, will be looking for a girlfriend in a new city if the Cubs remember to wake up from their hibernation so far this winter. But go for it, I know my brother's friend sister hooked up with Ronny Cedeno when he was a Cub...so maybe there's hope for you yet. (Let's be honest though, there really isn't, Sara.)

Q: My hamster is having an insanely bad hair day. Do you have any personal recommendations for hamster hair care? (This is in reference to Tristan, of course)
--Hopefully a PetCo Employee

A: My girlfriend's dad is supposedly a vet and I'm assuming that means he also specializes in animal hair care...so I can ask during chanukah tonight and let you know any hamster hair care tips. I'll make sure to get into as much detail as possible, since I know this is really, really important. (Personally, I think you should just save it. Then there's no hair care to worry about.)

Q: In your own professional opinion, what is the absolute best way to go about stealing a pizza from a bar's charity function? Please list this in step-by-step format.
-Tim, Arlington Heights, IL

A: Some might say it'd be wrong to steal from a charity event at a bar...but I say I need that pizza as bad as the needy people. Lora only cooks so much filet mignon. Here is the step-by-step process for stealing pizza from a bar charity event:

1) pick up pizza

2) walk towards door

3) tell friends walking in front of you to stop walking like your grandma and hurry the hell up

4) get in car and drive home

5) eat pizza in car/at home

6) Enjoy! And don't waste it--there's starving kids in Africa.

Q: How do you come up with so many "smooth" lines to wooo! the ladies? Is there a formula, or what's the trick?
-Tim, PoonVille, USA.

A: You'd have to get the formula from Jack Daniels. The trick is girls like being told they're pretty, so tell them they're pretty. Believe it or not, it's Just. That. Simple. Also, I don't appreciate the smooth being in quotation marks. I think Jessica Alba and Hilary Duff would beg to differ.

Q: Toss up! Christmas or Chanukah? Go!
-Timbone, Bad Nickname Factory, IL.
A: This is such an uncool question. I have enjoyed my previous 22 Christmases and am not even halfway through my first Chanukah. But I clearly have to say Christmas. Not every holiday offers me the opportunity to drink Nog-A-Sake and see my aunts and grandma get drunk and yell at everyone else while opening presents. Although, that's not too different from my Chanukah experience so far...

Q; What are your top-3 one-liners from all of Seth Rogan's films? One per movie, please.
-yeadude, Couldn'tEvenTypeYourNameVille.

A: Ok, I guess...I didn't see Observe and Report, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, or You Me and Dupree so those will be excluded.

Funny People: "I don't think I can hide that, my face is circumsized."

Pineapple Express: "CousCous, the food so nice they named it twice."

Superbad: "18 road beers...oh there's no time to pay."

Knocked Up: "Haha...no work today..."

40-Year Old Virgin: "There's something wrong with her underwear.." "Yeah, they're not in my mouth."

Q: Other than Party at Kitty and Stud's, what's your favorite Sly Stallone film?

--JerkInTheComments, Jerkville.

A: Clearly there is no substitute for Rocky IV. It is the best Sly movie, best boxing movie, and best anti-communism movie of all time. And make no mistake: communism is the worst thing ever invented by whatever atheists believe in.

Q; Everyone knows the 12 days of christmas song... if you had to re-write it, what would your true love give you each day?

--Anonymous, Obviouslytown.

A: I'm not going to rewrite the whole song, since I don't feel like retyping the 1st day twelve times, but here are the 12 things:

1st Day: One Pie for Eating

2nd: Two Cakes for Caking

3rd: Three Ice's a Creamin'

4th: Four Strawberrys for Shortcaking

5th: Five Goldennnn Caramelssss

6th: Six Free Drinks

7th: Seven Grams for Smoking

8th: Eight Hours of Football

9th: Nine Times a "Knockin'"

10th: Ten Purple Dranks

11th: Eleven Figs for Newtoning

12th: Twelve More Dayssssssssssssssss

Q: In your experience, what's the most exotic place you've bumped uglies? If you could pick anywhere you haven't already done the nasty, where would you do the deed?

--That'sKindofPrivateButOK

A: Once, I did it in Israel. That was so exotic. Or was it just a Jewish girls house? Probably. I wish I could say I've been more exotic but no. I've always wanted to do that at church. Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but so do other things...so don't worry about it.

Q: Say that you were FORCED to sleep with one of the following sex kittens (as they are today, not in the past). Who do you pick, and why? 1) Hillary Clinton, 2) Susan Boyle, 3) Michelle Duggar, 4) Aretha Franklin, 5) Cher, 6) Jocelyn Wildenstein.

--Larry Dolan, ProbablyNotHimTown.

A: It would most definitely NOT be Michelle Duggar because I think if I triple wrapped it, she'd still have a kid. Aretha and Cher are just tooo old, Boyle too ugly, and Wildenstein is flat out one of the most disgusting things to walk the Earth since Jellyfish could walk. Why not Hilary? Seems like she might make up for all that lost time Bill doesn't show her attention.

Q: What is the single most overrated film of all time?

--GenericQuestionAsker, GerericismCourt.

A: Of all time? Yikes spikes dykes. Personally, I hate the Lord of the Rings films. And people seem to be obsessed to the bone with all that junk. So I suppose I'd pick those. All of them. Three films to rule all suck.

Q: What's the best present/gift/kind gesture you've ever received?

-SuchASweetPerson, SweetTartCandyLand.

A: My graduation present from college was a trip to Ireland for St. Patrick's Day. Aka the best day ever in the best place ever with the best drink ever AND Tim. Whoa. As for like a gift from a friend/girlfriend, I don't know but I assume I will get it next week. Best. Chanukah. Ever.

That will do it for the holiday mailbag. I hope it got you all festive and stuff. But I must go for I have to celebrate Chanukah again. AND AGAIN! I'll see-or write-you all later. Adios!

Let the Challaday Begin!

(Note: The Mailbag will be up on Sunday. More Questions: Welcome)

It is Chanukah. Now, I know most of you aren't Jewish. Neither am I! (pounds fist) But that's not what's important. What's important is that Jillie Mayer is Jewish and it is very, very much so in the middle of the challaday of her people. This is one of her gifts. You must be saying "you're writing a blog as a gift, that's pretty lame. It better be pretty good. What would you even write about?" Well, if you said that, that's pretty mean. But it is very, very good. What could I possibly write about to satisfy both this as an acceptable gift AND still keep in tune with my regular schedule blogging? Well, obviously it's Jillie Mayer herself. It'd be almost IMPOSSIBLE to fit all the good things about her in this tiny space. So we'll stick with 10 Great Things About Jillian Lindsay Mayer, Because it's Chanukah and This is How I Do.

(This is not a "best of" list or countdown, just 10 great things about her.)

10. Her Extension of Words

What Do I Mean: I mean simply this: the girl extends words like it ain't a thing. A extra g on excitinggg? Make it 2 extra! Why shouldn't there by 17 extra "y"'s in whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Who am I to say? I had never experienced said phenomenon before Ms. Mayer stepped into the fold but now I have grown so accustomed to it that it might as well be part of my daily speech pattern. Interviewers LOVEEEEE it when they ask me how to make a margarita and it ends with me saying "Tequilaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

9. She's A Tad Bit Ridiculouso

What Do I Mean: Some people might be put off by a girl asking you how many people you've ever slept with the first time you ever meet them--but obviously not with J-May. Or maybe you haven't heard her sweatshirt as pants party? Well, ask and I'll tell you. I think all the homelesspeople in Bloomington know my middle name right now. It's all ridiculous, but in all honesty, it's just one of the things that make her so "Jillie," in a manner of speaking.

8. Her Moods are Pretty Contagious

What Do I Mean: Put simply, her moods spread around the room like Swine Flu. OK, bad analogy (Sorry Emily!), but you get the point. This is so true, sometimes it even works over text messaging. People that can affect the moods of the people around them are rare. But they are oh so good in that, no matter how bad you're down, they are there to pick you right back up.

7. She's Not Sensitive

What Do I Meannnnn: Another epileptic might be offended by jokes like "How do you get a free jacuzzi? Put an epileptic in a bathtub!" Not Lindz here. Oh no. Her epilepsy, height, religion? It's allllll good. And it really is good to laugh at yourself every now and then. That's why I've allowed jokes about my middle name, nerdiness, and, from now on, my dead iPod. Because it's always better when your romances are romantic comedies, right? Who wants to just be in a romance? Living The Notebook would be alot worse than actually watching it.

6. People Actually Read This Thing Now

What Do I Mean: When I started writing this blog, never did I once target sorority girls as my demographic. In fact, I pretty much wrote everything that would turn sorority girls away from here. Best Duels? How to Score Based on What She's Drinking? Jesus, don't even mention the mailbags. I still hear "I didn't buy dinner to get a hug.." But apparently I am Diet Tucker Max. And girls love Diet. It's because of the little munchkin that this here blog gets many views and the fact that I actually feel motivated to write...since there's actually people reading.

5. No Reservations

What Do I Mean: Well, she never remembers to book a table Wildfire even when I ask TWELVE TIMES! Clearly I'm kidding. She has displayed no reservations throughout my short (not a pun, unless you want it to be) time knowing her. Always up for anything, new or old, strange or clearly out of control, it's one of those things that is beyond the realm of my clever wordplay in terms of explaining it. But it's hard to find a girl that wouldn't break up with you for dressing up as Miley Cyrus lyric for Halloween.

4. Her Family

What Do I Mean: I'm sure if you've ever met my brunette ball of sunshine that you've heard at least a few stories about her family. They are ridiculous, out-of-control, and all together awesome. Luckily, I've gotten on their good side throughout the last few months. Some might think I should be overwhelmed. I say HA! Overwhelmed is for cowards and white people in dance contests. Nobody wants to be a honky fool, yo! And I mean, come on: someone needs to write letters to Oprah to make Oprah feel important.

3. Her Friends

What Do I Mean: I got my first glimpse of what Lady Ji's friends were like after our relationship became official--and I woke up with 12 friend requests on that Freindbookster thing. I've already mentioned their blog love. Their outpouring of awesomeness has flattered me very much. You can learn a lot about someone by seeing who their friends are and in this case, I've only learned great things about the The Girl Most Fine that is Four-Nine. (Hush, I'm running out of nicknames)

2. De-Tag

What Do I Mean: You may or may not notice that Sillie Jillie de-tags photos like it's going out of style. But that's not really what I mean in regards to this post. What I really mean is her way of "de-tagging" my consistently annoying compliments. Instead of getting annoyed (or showing that's she annoyed) with my obviously ridiculous attempts at flattery, at least enlightens my artery clogging cheesiness. (Secretly she lovessssss it though.)

1. She Can Fit in a Cage

What Do I Mean: Well, I mean this one is pretty self-explanatory. She can fit in a little dog cage. Yeah, and she's pretty short, I know, but that just makes her that much more unique and awesome. I feel like if you've ever seen Jersey Shore you know Snooki is the coolest. Why? Obviously cause she's so short. Short people are just like little balls of energy, fun, and, let's be honest: extreme attractiveness. There are some that might look down (no pun intended; ok, well kind of) on her height as a flaw. But NO! It just one of those things, that once you embrace it, becomes one their greatest attributes.

I wasn't lying about the cage thing.

HAPPY CHANUKAH!