12/20/2012: I'm RSVP'ing

As you probably know, the Mayans predicted long ago that the world would end on December 21, 2012. And although I hope that the world last a little longer, there is some upside, believe it or not. Especially if we KNOW it's going to end. Because if you know that it's your last day on Earth, you're gonna fucking live it up like no other. So, even though my friend wanted this entire blog to be dedicated to 12/21/12, I'll give him one blog post. Here's An End of the World Party Preview. I'll give you 8 Likely Elements of an End-of-the-World Party.

#1: Free Booze
That Indian guy behind the counter at the liquor store? Yeah, he's not going to care about you taking 25 bottles of Jack Daniels or a case of Kristal. Because he's not going to fucking be there. You can acquire all the free booze you want. Finally, you'll be able to try that $160 scotch you always wanted to taste. Any drink imaginable will be at the party. You want a Grand Marnier and Pineapple Juice? That sounds disgusting, but yeah, we got that! Your a guy and you want to try one of those fruity Hawaiian drinks? That's a little feminine, but fuck it, we'll all be dead tomorrow! The limitless possibilities for drink creation will only be hampered by the fact that there will no longer be a such thing as alcohol the day after. Plus, you wouldn't have to pay for SHIT! How awesome would that be.
Tomorrow only. Cause you'll be dead the day after:




















#2: Free Food
Are you a healthy eater? Well, what the fuck does it matter anymore? Have that meat lovers pizza with the cheesy bread crust! Try that roast duck with the mango salsa! You've never had curly fries? Cook that shit up! You'll have to make everything yourself but who cares? Try anything and everything you want. Throw calories into the wind. Eat a 120-ounce steak or a 20 scoop sundae. Calories seem meaningless when death is imminent. You may as well try everything and anything. Fuck fruits and veggies. Use them for your alcohol smoothies during the party! Supreme nachos, pizza, and double fried chicken wings will reign supreme!
It's 12/20/12 for this guy everyday.






























#3: Smashing, Baby
I don't know about you, but I've always had a thing for being able to just smash the living hell out of things. How fun would it be to throw that 30-inch TV off the roof? Or wail on your car with a baseball bat? Besides, since everyone would already be drunk out of their asses, it would seem even more fun than it actually is. Plus, look around your room for a second. How much stuff in that room would just be awesome to smash? At least 10 things, guaranteed. I would say setting things on fire would also be fun but that might ruin the party a little. Nobody wanted to get burned. I could just see it now, finish your drink, just throw it against the wall. Got framed pictures of your ex-girlfriend? Smash that crap with a sledgehammer. Everything must be smashed. It's the only reasonable solution to your frustration that yes, the world is going to end, but I'm not really angry about it anymore.
Like this, but more suburban white boy:
































#4: Free Drugs
Right now, you might say "Mike, I'd never do cocaine!" Not even on everyone's last day on Earth? Come on! Smoke that blunt. Laugh it up for a while before you're asteroid dust. Get rowdy on the dance floor. Have an out of body experience before you don't have a body. As long as you don't do Heroin ( a really party killer, I hear), most drugs are gonna make your time here on planet Earth more enjoyable. And plus, they'll be free! Nobody's going to care if you don't pay them back for that bong you just ripped. Do a line of coke off a slut's ass, for God's sake! Isn't that a man's dream? Plus, you'd be insane to not to feel as good as you possibly could before you perished into who the fuck knows where.
Eh, Why Not?






















#5: Tell the Truth
Think you're girlfriend's too fat? Tell that whale what you really think. Since it won't matter what anyone will think of you, tell that friend of yours that "No, I think your blog sucks and I always have, loser." Imagine what you could say to people! It might bring the party down a little but who really cares? Call your ex and tell her you cheated on her three times with her sister, mom, and cousin. (That'd make for an interesting last day in that house.) Plus, you got a crush on that girl at work? You'd be some otherworldly kind of pussy to not go for it. Girls can even get in on the fun: "Yeah I know I said it was normal, but I was really just saying that. It's the smallest I've ever had. Oh, and I have syphilis." If you think you're gay, you might as well make out with a dude or something. Find out! The truth might actually make this the most awkwardly fun party you've ever been too.
"Yeah, America. I banged her. Hard."





















#6: Wardrobe Malfunction
Since nobody will remember it, just wear whatever you want. Like that top hat? Wear that with your parachute pants. Hell, where sweatpants if you want to. Who gives a shit. Be like Corey Hart and wear your sunglasses at night. Leave those apple bottom jeans at home, Flo Rida. It's time to test out the wardrobe. Try out that Gucci Bandana, Solja Boy. Kick it like Nelly in your Air Force Ones, who cares if their out of style? Hell, wear boxers and socks if you want. Be a sumo wrestler for a night. Wear cutoffs, so long as they don't effectively hide your thunder. Me personally? I'd wear a bright green suit with my 3-foot high Irish tophat. It'd be so preposterous that it might just work.
Hell, I might wear that shit anyway:



































































#7: Courage, Young Jedi
You want your Almost Famous moment? Ever wanted to jump through a door or window? Want to play bowling with your car and a bunch of trash cans? All things are possible at the end of the world party. Show everyone what you've always dreamt of doing. No, your in-process novel may never get published, but maybe you can shoot some dude in the head with a paintball gun. Obviously, it's up to you to make your dreams come true. Pee on your cranky neighbors house. Park your car on his lawn. Go into his house and fuck his wife. (ok, too far) Try jumping out of a car at 40 MPH and try and do a barrel roll. It'll be fun. I promise. And if it hurts, there's some extra Vicodin in the house.
For "The Wire" fanboys:
























#8: Down. To. Fuck.
Let's just say this: if you don't get laid the night before the world ends, Fuck Your Life. Everyone in the world, even Catholic virgins will be terrified and looking for someone to "be there for them." Be there for them, all over their backs. Do anything, everything, then do it over again. Who cares what she looks like? Turn off the lights. No condoms necessary. (Maybe suggest anal?) Want to do The Ghost with one of your friends? The girl might not even slap you. And girls, you worried about getting called a slut? Who cares! Sex is pretty much the best thing in the universe, no doubt. So why wouldn't you get as much of it as you can? Doggy style, missionary, reverse cowgirl, dirty sanchez, mexican hat dance, donkey punch, whatever floats your boat (thats not a sex position, i don't think). Virgins, stop being such sexual camels and give or take it all night long because, at the End of the World party, you'll never get another chance to meet your prince charming. Maybe make a game out of it. Whoever is able to have the most sex in the night gets.....the best night of their lives.
At this party, anything is possible:






















Hope you enjoyed. Remember, May is coming up soon, so get your questions in quickly for the May Mailbag. I'm sure it will be quite a doozy. Let's hope that we're able to have a party like this one day anyway, end of the world or not. Because it sure would be fun. I'd like to tell Bobby what I really think of him. Fucker. Anyways, I'm off to bed, gents and gals. Have a nightcap and get ready for an awesomely dull Thursday!