Drunk Past: Jesus H. Christ

I've decided to start a new segment. I love history, so I'm gonna write about it. Don't worry. It's gonna be the same ol' vulgarity that my skinny Irish fingers can conjure up. Welcome to my very new segment: Drunk Past. It's where I profile an event, person, or trend in the past that has to do with alcohol or general drunkenness. Why not start with the man that started it all? That's right: Jesus. (Ed.'s Note: This may be where he finally crosses the line)

Jesus Christ


Profile
Name: Jesus H. Christ
Profession: Son of God, Jesus' Happy-Time Carpentry Shop Owner
Special Skills: Raises Dead, Rises from Dead, Walks on Water, Turns Water into Wine, Maintains Majestic Hair in Time Period Not Known for Hair Care.
Drink of Choice: Wine. Dude's blood is wine. He's PURE wine.

Mike, Can You Please Explain Why You're Calling Jesus a Drunkard?
Sure! Jesus is the one who started many different drinking crazes. He started drinking in church. He supported and even provided the open bar at weddings. Dude handed it out at his last meal. He must have loved it if it was his last drink. Christ was a social man-how else would he convert so many-and likely would've attended many functions where the guests imbibed. Oh yeah. Jesus imbibed. Lord, Have Mercy! (Ed.'s Note: Jesus, that's a bad pun)

OK. So What's Your Point Here, Really?
My point is this: if Jesus drank, so can you. Jesus loves Happy Hour. Jesus loves you. Thus, you love happy hour. It's religious science.

How Does This Change What I Know About My Lord and Saviour?
Everything. Why do you think Jesus wants you to rest on Sundays? Because you should go to church. HA! It's because he knows you worked hard all week and are deathly hungover. Plus, this changes the following miracles performed by J-Christo:
-Raising of Lazarus from the dead: Jesus actually roofied him a few days before, thus inspiring the 2008 hit-comedy "The Hangover"
-Walking on Water: Was so drunk at a party and jumped off his friends roof into his pool. Story greatly exaggerated from then on, although it did inspire the 2000 hit-movie "Almost Famous."
-Curing the Deaf, Dumb, and Blind: Everyone knows that frequent alcohol use supports liver and sensory health. Well, only Jesus knew it then. Changed the water in the sick's blood to wine and bam, I can hear, talk, and see.
-Drove out demons from Mary Magdelene: Mary Magdelene wasn't possessed. She was just out with Jesus the night before and was crazy drunk. Jesus has got the hangover cure: Coffee with some Holy Irish Creme.
-Calming the Storm: Hey, we all get lucky. Jesus went out on the poop deck, had drank too much wine, and was all like "STOP STORMING!" And Holy Shit, it worked.

Whoa. That actually makes a ton of sense. Anything else I should know about Jesus?
Of course, you never really know someone until you wikipedia them.
-Historians confirm that Jesus Invented Beer Pong.
-Russian-American Multi-Genre Band "The Red Elvises" actually drank with Jesus, despite being born almost 2,000 years after his death.
-Jesus was actually kind of a pervert.

You are a very informative man. How do I know you're telling the truth?
I have strong religious credentials. I went to Catholic school for 12 years, went to church every Sunday until my parents got divorced and didn't make me go any more so I wouldn't choose against them in the custody hearings, was Confirmed, received the Eucharist, frequently drink the blood of Christ, memorized the entire Bible, Otrah, and Qur'an, and plan to name my premaritally conceived kids D'Jesus, Jaysuess, and Omar Sharif. Also, we will form a bowling team called the "Holy Roller Bowlers." That's how you know I'm telling the truth.

Hmm. So, Does This Mean Jesus is just Partying in Heaven?
Of course it does. He's macking on bitches and ho's, sipping on patron, and waving his hands up like he just don't care. He even parties with Jewish people. I know, shocking! But Jewish people are actually allowed into heaven, despite going on record by Jesus as being "amateur lightweights that think having a glass of sherry at dinner is a night on the town." He has also re-created the Ten Commandments, into a delightfully playful list of do's and don't.
1. I am Jesus. The Party don't Start til I walk in.
2. If your ass ain't on the dance floor, then you'll be rollin' on Satan's shore.
3. When Jesus calls dibs on the blonde, Jesus calls dibs on the blonde.
4. Girl Talk will be played all night, every night. Don't like it? There's a new club called Purgatory.
5. No Pants, No Panties, No Problem.
6. Only Jesus wears sunglasses at night.
7. The only Trojan product allowed is the Horse in Jesus' pants.
8. When Jesus gives you lemons, make him a God Damn Cocktail.
9. Jesus is too hard for MTV, not black enough for BET, so just let Him be.
10. When Jesus take the stage, it better pipe down, or else he'll make ya'll ancestors on Earth drown.

Now that you're surely going to be going to hell, got any last words on The Jesus?
Jesus was not just a man--he was a legend. You know that one night at the bar or the party and it is YOUR party? You own that party? That's Jesus--everywhere he goes. Only St. Patrick, St. Valentine's, and Martin Luther King have their own holidays--Jesus has TWO. What do people do on those days? Drank. Toke. Open gifts. Eat a shit-ton of food. Screw. Basically, everything that's awesome. So, while it may seem like I'm portraying him as a gangsta hood rat boozehound, I'm actually portraying him as THE gangsta hood rat boozehound. So chill out, sit back, and pour one out on the step for your homey Jesus. He'll be pouring out Grey Goose for you.

And remember, as Jesus always says:

Hey Lucy, 21 Times Over

It's another one of my girlfriend's friend's 21st birthdays and that means I'm writing a poem that you all can skip unless you know her. Hey Lucy, Happy Birthday and enjoy. It's a testament to my strength as a boyfriend that I'm still around to write this for you.

Hey, look at Lucy! Now she's 21!
A pretty good reason to get drunk and have fun
And the best part, besides the drinking of course,
Is that maybe a white knight will ride in on a horse.

Hey, I'm sorry, not much rhymes with course
Except negative words like divorce and remorse.
But, with you, I can't just you use the same words
Like pretty and gorgeous, they're too true to be heard!

Likely, amnesia will rule your night
and everyone, to you, will be oh-so-polite.
I think there's a few things I need to reveal
So open the next stanza and tear off its seal!

Irish, red-hair, and, no doubt, the best dressed
How could a girl possibly be more blessed?
So toast that Jameson, slainte, L'chiam!
Noone else will keep up--and if they try? Fry 'em!

It's quite possible that you might get sick
Puke a little or make out with that guy that's a dick.
Mistakes will be made, regrets will be had
But mistakes don't count til you're post-grad.

Drink up, Lucy, 21 years is a cause for celebration
Cheer, be merry, and give in to temptation.
But don't forget my most important point:
to forget what I've said by the end of the night!

Don't Worry, It Only Seems Kinky the First Time: Sex and Alcohol

women-orgasms
women-
date rape

Everybody loves alcohol and everybody loves sex (well, at least everyone who reads this). SO why haven't I wrote about the two together? (Ed.'s Note: He has. He just can't figure out any entertaining ways to write the intro) It's important to be educated. Especially about two of the best things out there. Let's dive in and tackle the most important of all world issues at the moment: Alcohol's Effect On Sex.

Beer Goggles
HELL and YES!
The Science: Without beer, there are so many unattractive people out there. With beer, you can almost cut that in half. As alcohol is known to lower inhibitions, it takes much less to be attracted to someone while heavily under the influence. Take the above picture, for example. You think any of those girls are virgins? Sadly, probably not. Do you think the guys that had sex with them were sober or under 300 pounds? Very unlikely. We have all made our mistakes due to this unfortunate (well, sometimes fortunate I guess) phenomenon. We just have to learn from our mistakes.
Solutions: Pick your mate at the beginning of the night. Cheetahs do it and it seems to work pretty well for cheetahs.

Risk-Taking
Pictured: The Results of Risk Taking, Except Replace Carrots With Haagen Dazs
The Science: It's no science: enough alcohol and your brains turn to baby food. Especially the part the makes decisions. Things like unprotected sex, unfortunate rashes, and unplanned pregnancies. And nobody like hearing words with the "un-" prefix. Like, you have been "un-"invited to the stripper parade. Nothing "un-" is good. At least when it comes to alcohol and sex. Society often looks down on women for being too open with their sexuality. Obviously, women care about being looked down upon, thus are tighter (hehe) about who they have sex with than men. The reason there are so many guys at bars is because alcohol is one of the only things that brings that wall down (the others: money, celebrity status, and band member). So we pounce like cheetahs. What's with all the cheetah references? Because they're sexier than armadillos.
Solutions: WRAP IT UP!

Limping to the Finish
Erectile Dysfunction, Without the Crippling Embarrassment
The Science: Put in terms you laymen (hehe) can understand, alcohol inhibits the production of testosterone, which is necessary for physical arousal. Even if you can get it up, it reduces how good the male orgasm feels. Nobody really knows how many sexual conquests have been lost due to the terrible phenomenon known as "whiskey dick." Or how many men have been mocked behind their limp-dicked backs. One can only be certain of this: god damn man, if you're gonna get laid, why are you drinking so much? (Allow me to bask in my hypocrisy)
Solution: Always. Carry. Viagra.

Females Feelin' It
Thanks to Booze, This = Possible
The Science: Instead of losing testosterone, women's bodies produce more of it, the higher their intoxication. Since women have a higher percentage of body fat and there is markedly less water in their bodies, alcohol has a quicker, more awesome effect. (Ed.'s Note: This could explain why your girlfriend passes out at 9:30 PM) It takes women one-third longer to metabolize the alcohol, meaning they stay drunker for longer. So it actually is easier for women to get drunk. And hornier. (Oh, glory day!) In fact, scientist Francis Dolan points out that alcohol doesn't actually make men hornier, it's the women getting hornier that makes them hornier. So as fun as getting drunk is, it can only debilitate men and hornify women.
Solutions: Isn't it obvious? Get girls drunk.

About That Orgasm... (Sponsored By Unoriginality)
Unrelated Picture/Excuse to Show Big Boobs
The Science: Oh, so all the females are cocky now? Unfortunately (for women, that is), too much alcohol makes it much, much harder for women to orgasm. (Ed.'s Note: As If it wasn't hard enough! AmmIrite?) Not only that, but intoxication decreases the intensity of the orgasm as well. So while we men are wagging our tongues around down there acting like we know what we're doing, it's just gonna take LONGERRRRR after that third margarita. Which leads me to my next point: alcohol also has been proven to make women crave motorboating tenfold. The bigger the boobs, the more suseptible they become to a man sticking his face in and just getting all up in there. I don't know, must have something to do with the milk.
Solutions: The key is to let the boobs hit the side of your face over and over again.

That's all for now senoritas and senors. Adios, yo soy mejor!

Straight Up Gangsta

Like a white boy at a Dave Matthews concert, I'm here to get you high. High off my sexy writing that is. I know you've longed for it. I know you've craved it. Sometimes when you go to bed at night, you might even dream about it. What in the name of the Gods of Whiskey am I talking about? Douchebags. As girls criticize guys for going after sluts, guys often criticize girls for going after the highest forms of douche there is. It's true and scientific. Here are the 6 Biggest One-Hit Drunkard Douches.


6. LMFAO
They're Like Black Hipsters--Apparently, Those Exist
Their One-Hit: That despicable rap song that goes "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS."
Why They're Douchey: Well, first of all, look at them. They look that guy from House Party if he was retarded (for those of you who don't get that reference, you got Google--look it up). Their song is massively retarded. Anyone can sing that crap. ALL THEY ARE DOING IS YELLING SHOT OVER AND OVER. It's not that they're singing about alcohol or their music in general. It's everything combined. Their looks, their music, AND they were nominated for a Grammy. Proving one thing: the Grammy's are completely irrelevant.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like a girl getting sand in her va-jayj after beach sex that lasted 15 seconds.

5. Asher Roth
"I Make Good Music...For You to Poop On!"
His One HIt: His Frat-Boy Douche Anthem "I Love College"
Why He's Douchey: Must I explain? Yes, I went to college and stereotyped it to the bone. But I don't feel the need to create a song listing drinking games and taping parties and smoking weed. Do you know why I don't? Because I'm not a big ass douche. Every white male that's ever gone to college knows what's good about it, we don't need some wannabe rapper white-boy rapping a list. It's like if you took Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" and made it in to a douche bag anthem.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like a drunk frat boy screaming "NICE BEER BONG, BRO!" over and over until your ears hurt.

4. John Mayer
"Look at My Hair. I Gelled It All Morning to Make It Look Like I Didn't Gel It."
His One Hit: He's had a few but for the sake of me being able to call him a douche, let's just say he's banged half of the over 18 women in Hollywood.
Why He's Douchey: You know those liberal hippies in college that play acoustic guitar with their shirt off in the quad? John Mayer is their God. All he does is play acoustic guitar sing like he's having an orgasm. Not to mention that he's slept with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, Minka Kelly ("Friday Night Lights," "Girl at the End of (500) Days of Summer"), Jennifer Aniston, and a nurse at the free clinic that gave him free penicilin. He used the "N" word in an magazine interview and talked about his sex life with Jessy Simps. I'd keep listing stuff, but I'm not Asher Roth. (Ed's Note: That's some high-quality backshadowing there, Michael)
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: That guy that your girlfriend is friends with that you know wants to get on her but you can't say anything because everyone likes him. (There's one in every relationship.)

3. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag
"We're Not Being Treated for AIDS...YET!"
Their One Hit: I don't even remember why they're famous. Did they kill joy? That must be it.
Why They're Douchey: If I need to explain, you clearly haven't been anywhere near the internet. All they do is famewhorefamewhorefamewhorefamewhore. They whore themselves for fame. Spencer Pratt is a douchebag already but his skank of obliviousness wife Heidi is convinced that she's a musical prodigy, despite being less talented than a cum-stained doorknob. All they do is beg for attention in the press and give you reason as to WHY we should pay attention to them. Yeah, Tiger Woods is a douche but least he's compelling because he's a star athlete, ya know? I don't care about anything these two have ever done and neither does 99% of the world. Get off my life, whorebags.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Having kids that continually yell "DADDY DADDY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME."

2. Tila Tequila
"I BEAT TILA TEQUILA! AHHH BUT NOBODY CARES SO I GOT OFF! AHHH!! I'M SHAWNE MERRIMAN OF THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS AND I BEAT THAT WHORE FOR YOU!"
Her One Hit: That pitiful reality show on MTV "A Shot at Love." If only the shot came from a Machine Gun.
Why She's Douchey: Again, she contributed nothing and given nobody a reason to respect her. The only reason she got popular is because she set a record for MySpace friends, which in of itself sounds like the douchiest thing ever. But, not one to settle on being a fame whore, she prances around flaunting her bisexuality, as if that makes her super cool and awesome. Let's get one thing straight, Tila: you're just a slut with a cool name and a premise for a retarded reality show. You are half-Vietnamese, half- Disgusting. You're a boozing little twat. There's no reason to go on--whore's are pretty easy to explain.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like an aged Tequila that some drunk girl pours out for a fallen homie.

1. Dane Cook
"I"LL STEAL YO JOKES, YELL THEM, AND MAKE HAND GESTURES! IT'S WAY FUNNIER!"
His One Hit: That one joke he stole from [insert comedian's name here]
Why He's Douchey: Dane Cook is the epitome of the word "Douche." He steals jokes, acts like a child, and then attempts to act in movies. Everything he does is painful to watch but he is so utterly cocky and full of himself that it makes one just want to punch him in the spine until his 3rd vertebrate is crushed. If he was the Iraq War, his jokes are the land mind that kills our soldiers. Except he's not killing soldiers. He's killing comedy. As we know, at least. He's that special type of Boston douche. The one that hangs out in the bars and screams about how the Celtics are "TOO HAWDCAWWWWW!" The one that owes you $35 bucks but everytime you ask for it, he'll just say "Fuck you, bro, you'll get it." The funny thing is that Dane Cook thinks he is the funny thing. Good Luck Chuck makes me beg to differ.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like that fly you can't catch in your house and JUST WON'T LEAVE! THE WINDOW IS WIDE OPEN, JUST GO!

That's it, intro's are for lovers but conclusions are for bummers. G'night!

The Great Alcohol Debate: Liquor Before Beer or Beer Before Liquor?

Long since man created the spirits that take the brain and liver out of commission, a debate has raged on: what's the optimal strategy for drinking both liquor and beer in the same evening? Which one comes first? Does it even matter? Well, drunken morons have argued for centuries as to which one actually works. I've set out to end the debate once and for all. Ladies and Gentlemen, Which Comes First: Liquor or Beer?

The Case For Liquor Before Beer
Is It Funnier Because the Kid's Asian? I Didn't Say It...
The Case For: Evidence for liquor before beer is vague but we don't source things here at the blog! Liquor is somewhat safer to drink, actually, than beer. At bars, liquor is usually watered down by using very little liquor compared to mixer. Liquor obviously gets you drunk much faster, but in terms of avoiding getting sick, it can be beneficial to start with booze over brew. Liquor, when mixed with any sort of carbonated drink, gets absorbed much, much quicker than beer. But if you drink liquor first and drink beer at the same pace, then it will actually help you sober up a little bit. Beer obviously has much less alcohol content and is absorbed much slower that liquor. As long as you stay on the same pace, you'll be less drunk than you would think at the end of a "Liquor before Beer" night. That is, of course, unless you are a 4-foot, 9-inch, Jewish epileptic girl. Then you'll just puke.
Celebrity Endorsement: Jack Bauer: Saving the World Without Pants On.



The Case for Beer Before Liquor
Dad Would Be So Proud (If That's Not His Kid, That Is. Then He'll Be...You Know...I've Said Too Much"
The Case For: Beer is a delicious drink--anyone who's had a one-night stand with a fatty would know (Ed's Note: What the Fuck are you talking about?). As said before, beer is absorbed much slower than liquor. There's no reason to trust what I say, but trust this: beer has less alcohol in it than booze right? Less alcohol means you will be less drunk by the time you start drinking liquor right? By asking questions that are vague and almost nonsensical, am I just delaying the fact that I really have nothing smart to say about this particular topic? I know you are, but what am I? You know, I always thought Matt Damon was kind of a Streisand but he really rocked the shit out of the Bourne movies. Ammmm I right or am I right or am I right? Ahhhh this is pathetic.
Celebrity Endorsement: Fozzie Bear. He makes as much sense as the rest of this, doesn't he?


The Verdict: There really is no verdict. I've made a list to explain which situations which rule applies.

Occasions for Liquor Before Beer:
-Going Out to Hit On Opposite Sex
-If You Need to Drive
-St. Patrick's Day
-Cinco De Mayo
-Norwegian Day of Independence
-When You Just Wanna Dance to Whitney Houston and Let Loose.

Occasions for Beer Before Liquor:
-21st Birthday
-Days You Crave Death
-If You're Going to a Cubs Day Game
-Cold Days
-When You Can't Afford Anything But a 6-Pack of Schlitz, a Slushy, and a Handle of Skol.
-The Day Your Girlfriend/Friend that's a Girl Finds Your Porn Stash
-The Day You Have a Ginger Male Child

There. I think I've covered most occasions. Just know this: when you're drinking to get really drunk, it really doesn't matter. Just do it.

Be responsible. Or don't, I don't know. My blog is on a list of Anti-Alcohol Websites for a reason.

Immorally Yours,
Senor Pepe

Valentine's Day: Your Guide to Love and Sex

Love is a hard thing to figure out. So is sex. If you're like me (Ed.'s Note: If you are...that sucks) then neither of these things has ever been easy to acquire. How can us men figure out women? How can you women figure out men? (hint: we like sports and sex) I'm created a foolproof guide to the opposite sex. Your Guide to True Love.


If You're A Man...
Pictured: A Real Man
How to Know If She Loves You:
Ask the following 10 questions to yourself.
1. Does she say "I Love You" to you?
2. Does she openly talk about stuff you are going to do in the future?
3. Does she let you watch sports/control the remote?
4. Have you met her family?
5. Does her family like you?
6. Do you buy her stuff on holidays/birthdays/anniversaries? (hint: flowers don't count)
7. Do you make her orgasm?
8. Are most of the guy friends she has gay?
9. Do you dress up/shave for your dates?
10. Does she shave her pubic region for you?

Did you say yes to:
0-2 Questions: She hates you and is cheating on you with multiple people.
3-5 Questions: She might love you, but it's more likely that you're just good in bed or convenient for her.
6-8 Questions: She loves you but it's probably fleeting. Do the kinky stuff while you can.
9-10 Questions; Congratulations! She loves you! You will now cuddle on Friday nights after seeing "Dear John" or whichever "The Notebook" re-make is out!

If You're a Woman:
Pictured: Unrealistic Expectations
How to Know He Loves You:
Ask the following 10 Questions to yourself:
1. Do you ever give him head?
2. Do you make him orgasm?
3. Do you pretend to like his super-cool friends that you find annoying?
4. Do you think cheating is wrong, no matter how drunk you are?
5. Honestly...do you give him head?
6. Do you have big boobs?
7. Are you skinny? (Seriously, though. This isn't the time for self-flattery)
8. Can you cook delicious food?
9. Do you have big boobs?
10. Do you have big boobs?

Did you say yes to:
0-3 Questions: He either loves your boobs or nothing at all.
4-6 Questions: He might love you. Pass the beer. I'm trying to watch the game.
7-8 Questions: Boobs. Hmm. But what's for dinner?
9-10 Questions: You have big boobs AND you give him head? Oh yeah. He loves you


Man or woman, if you have failed the self-test, there are still ways to FIND love on Valentine's Day. Here's what you can do to find love if you haven't yet.

If You're a Man, Looking for Love:
Ask Yourself the Following 5 Questions:
1. Do I have lots of money?
2. Is the girl you're looking for, is she that drunk girl in the corner dancing to "Sweet Child O' Mine"?
3. Does she have a tattoo on her lower back or shoulder that is kind of stupid?
4. Does she have a degree/good job?
5. Is she 18?

Did you say yes to:
0 Questions: Invest in lube.
1-2 Questions: If #5 is a yes, then you might get laid at least.
3-4 Questions: Unless #4 is a yes, you're getting some vajayjay.
5 Questions: Yup. You're gonna have to date her.

If You're a Woman, Looking for Love:
Ask Yourself the Following Questions:
1. Your boobs...are they big?
2. Are you skinny?

Did you say yes to:
0 Questions: Three letters: G-Y-M.
1-2 Questions: Go to a bar. Love = achieved.

That's the key to love, as far as I know. follow my advice and love will be in your present and future!

(Less Than) Perfect Super Bowl Party

Super Bowl parties are often fun. They often have fun and chips and beer. Seems perfect, right? Wrong. There are certain people who set out to ruin Super Bowl parties, whether they know it or not. That's why you need to be very careful about who you invite. Here's a heads up on people that can ruin your party if you aren't careful. 5 Super Bowl Guests that Will Ruin Your Party.



Clueless Girls
"You See, If You Mix It With Flour and Eggs, then Heat at 375 degrees, then the Men Respect Us!"
Qualities: Female, Uninterested, Not Hungry, Loud
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Girls don't know much about football, generally. Maybe it's their smaller brains that can't process the intricacies of the game, or maybe their period makes them hate things guys like. Who knows really? The point is that they're at your party and they aren't watching the game. Talking loud to their boyfriend, standing in front of the TV to show her friends pictures of her fourth-cousin's wedding, not helping eat any of the food because it's loaded with carbs or something. The point is they aren't contributing anything. Except annoyance of course! Likely brought by one of your buddies because he thinks he's got a shot at some action. Too bad the only action he'll get will be dropping her off after the 3rd Quarter.
Solution: Set up another room with all the amenities that girls enjoy: vodka, wine, shrimp cocktail, dolls, whatever. Tell them that there's a Project Runway marathon on and that Tyra Banks goes CRAZY in this one (same show, right?). They'll be glued to the TV like a 5 year old watching Thomas the Train.


Fair-Weather Fan
"Not Like You Just Won a Super Bowl this Decade...Oh Wait."
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Bandwagon fans are the worst kind of fans. I hate Cardinals fans but at least they have the guts to stick with one team. Fair-Weather fans will come in with little knowledge of the game (because if they knew the game at all, they'd know that fair-weather fans are douches). "What are you talking about man, I've been a Colts fan ever since the Bears started sucking after they made the Super Bowl three years ago!" They'll be cheering for one of the teams like it's theirs. They'll be loud and obnoxious, bragging if their team is winning. If they are wearing a jersey that they just bought, then make sure you "accidently" spill salsa on it.
Solution: Well, good ol' natured ribbing is the key. Make fun of them like they are a flip-flopping douche (read: they are) and make sure they feel bad for cheering for whoever. Make fun of them until it gets old. Then do it more. Then punch them.

Hipsters
"What game's on? I gotta go to a Child Labor protest in my jeans that were made by a 8-year old in Malaysia."
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Hipsters are so apathetic, their apathetic about their own apathy, thus making it ironic. You think they'll care about the game? Maybe if the game is Pin the PBR on the Anti-Establishment Poster. Hipsters will often come in groups, talk about stuff that makes them seem smart but is actually irrelevant, and spend half the game going outside for smoke breaks and smelling up the room. They'd probably point out to me that the last sentence was a run-on sentence. They'll likely talk about the irony of someone spending money on a party to watch people getting paid to play a game.
Solution: Tell them to mark down all the irony going on in the game on a legal pad and say that it'd be really cool for them to do. They won't do it because it's cool, but they will do it to be ironic about how it's so uncool. Hell, I don't even know what I just said.

Commercial Junkies
"Shhh! Russian Woman Need to See Commercial!"
How They Might Ruin Your Party: You know them...they don't care about the game, "I just watch it for the commercials!" That's what YouTube is for, darling. They'll tell you to hush while you're trying to dissect the game with your friends before it comes back on. They'll get all their food/beer during the game so they don't miss the commercials, which are overrated because nowadays companies try too hard. Will laugh at the 32 Peyton Manning commercials shows during the game, and maybe cry about the Hurricane Katrina Donation Fund commercial and scold people (read: me) for making distasteful jokes about it. Screw that, since Haiti is the new Katrina, we can now safely joke about Katrina.
Solution: Tell them you're DVRing the game and that they can watch it after. If that doesn't work, remember it's your house and you'll talk about which team's Pierre is more French if you damn well please.

Sober People
"Last Year, The People That Came to My Party Went On a Beer Run and Never Came Back :( "
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Sober people might not necessarily ruin your party, but they won't help. You didn't buy all that beer for nothing. ALso, sober people tend to disappear in seas of drunk people. You're Designated Driver? I've heard better excuses in statutory rape trials. Likely, they'll be checking their phone for texts, intensely watch the game, and add virtually nada to the party. Unless they're hot. Wah Wah I gotta work tomorrow and wake up early to work out. Shut up, this isn't fifth grade. Drown in some scotch or leave.
Solution: Pour whiskey in their Sprite. Or, preferably, you can make them wait in the car.

That's it, enjoy the game!

Yes, It's Funny & Cute that an African Country's Gonna Try and Host the World Cup! Haha So Much Crime! & Other Offensiveness: The February Mailbag

So there's this thing...it's the mailbag. I'm doing it. I'm writing it. Let's get to it. Also, if you name a movie "Love Happens" you are retarded. Or "Dear John" for that matter. Women realize that if they stop seeing these awful movies that eventually they will make them better? Ugh it's hopeless, here's this months edition of me talking to myself. (Except for the first question. That's actually real.

Q: In your opinion, do you think it would be appropriate if I were to discuss my boyfriend's penis size with my best friends? What if we were to go as far as making up a common nickname for him regarding his penis size?
--S. Lejman, BloNo, IL.
A: Well, I think it's perfectly fine to make up a name for your friend's boyfriend's penis. As long as it's somewhat subtle, I think it's fair play. I mean, if you heard it from your friend, it's her fault really. I don't know why Jillie--ehem, girls would get so upset about that...unless the nickname is geared towards the proverbial lack of lead in one's pencil.

Q: Why is soccer so popular in every other country everywhere but here, in the United States, soccer is almost hated?
--S. Seagal's Short Reality TV Career, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I've already answered this question a billion times, so maybe you should pay attention. Perhaps then someone would watch your show. But soccer isn't popular here because everywhere else, it's really the only sport they play. Here, we got a plethora of athletic competitions. Just no room for it, is all.

Q: What's would be the weirdest mix of two races having a baby? Not weird like racist, but weird in like...looking. OK, maybe it's racist. But who cares, it's black history month, right?!
--L. Neason and H. Ford's Wanting of their Daughter Back, Worldwide.
A: Of course, I frown upon racism, as it is cheap humor, but also terribly childish (also: funny). I'm pretty sure the weirdest mix of two people having a baby would be some fat chick from Texas and a male, skinny Iroquois tribal leader. Hell yeah. Cowboys and Indians.

Q: What would it be like if "District 9" happened for real in Chicago? Would you drink with the aliens?
--L. Smith's Challenging This Question, Chicago, IL
A: I mean, who can blame aliens for landing in Chicago? It's a better city than say...Minneapolis or Detroit or Indianapolis. Plus, we got the vibrant nightlife that aliens crave. My guess is they would just be shoved aside into Cabrini Green or something (might class it up) but sure...why wouldn't I have a drink with an alien? Welcome to Earth! (punches alien like Will Smith in Independence Day)


Q: What would be the last race of people on Earth that you'd sleep with? Might as well be racist...it's black history month!
--T. Swift's Lack of Virginity/Talent, Hollywood, CA
A: Well, that's a silly question. But I mean...I'll answer it. There are probably some exceptions for every race but I don't see too much redeeming about New Zealanders. Damn Kiwis. Think cause you had Lord of the Rings, you can just get fat and not have to do anything? IT DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!

Q: What's the difference between business drunk and college drunk?
--R. Kelly's Love of Urinating on Underage Girls, Private Basement, ???
A: College drunk is a sloppy, less sophisticated drunk that is aimed at drinking as much as possible and achieving sexual intercourse from a mate. Business drunk is a subtler, "don't admit it"-drunk, with the aura of sophistication, even if you feel like barfing from all those rounds of scotch.

Q: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
--P. Manning's Flopping Ability, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Your mom. (Who says comedy is dead?)

Q: What state do you think would be the most lenient about drinking and driving? The strictest? How about public sex?
--J. Leno's Unwavering Sadness, New York, NY.
A: As for DUI'n, I think the most lenient state would be something like a small town in Arkansas or Alabama where everyone knows each other. As for the strictest, well, welcome to Illinois. Illinois has the strictest driving laws in the nation. Funny, because you sure don't teach you how to drive very well. Public sex should never be frowned upon. Unless it's like on a dance floor or something. But that shit's gross.

Q: Do you think each continent has a liquor that defines it? If so, please list them because I hate you and want you to write more.
--J. Locke's Ability to Do What You Can't, ????
A: OK, I think I'll take a stab at this.
North America- Light Beer (we suck)
Europe- Wine (preferably red)
Australia- Foster's
Antarctica- Everclear
South America- Rum
Africa- (Data not available due to lack of resources)
Asia- SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
(Stereotypes not included)

Q: With the final season of LOST coming up, what do you think the most disappointing ending to the series would be? The best?
--D. Brees' Huddle Screaming, Jasper, North Carolina.
A: I think the most disappointing ending would it being all someone's dream/nightmare. That way is such a cop out for any TV show/movie/play. The best way to end it would be for them to show how Desmond conquered the world through pure sexiness and made Penny his Queen of All that Lives. Also, nudity.

Q: When it comes to jerking off, how much is too much? How about for girls?
--H. Klum's Love of Scarred Faces, Oklahoma City, CA.
A: I say it depends on how much you're having sex. If you are having sex regularly (3-4 times a week or more), then taking care of business should probably only be done 3-4 times. I have a simple ratio for men. You start with the number 8. Subtract the amount of times you had sex from 8 and that's how many times you should really be masturbating a week. For girls, the number is 4. Simply because you hold sex in a higher esteem and don't masturbate as much. It's really a solid formula trust me.

Q: What's the key to a perfect Super Bowl party? And since it's a little classier than, say, a kegger, how drunk is too drunk for a party like this?
--D. Trump's Silly Hairline, New York , NY.
A: It depends who's there, but I say there's no such thing as too drunk for a Super Bowl party. All you need for a perfect Super Bowl party are the following: large TV, beer, pizza and snacks, and lack of women who are loud and don't know what's going on.

Q: Let's say you need a beer. You're going down to Wrigley Field a few hours early. What are the best bars around Wrigley Field that are good to pregame the game at?
S.Sosa's Whiteness, San Jose, CA.
A: I have not immersed myself in the Wrigley seen too often but the prices/lines are too large right across the street at Murphy's, etc. I'd say go to Lucky's Sandwhich place, get a great meal and cheap beer before you have to go pay a mortgage for a beer in the stadium.

Q: Why do you hate British people so much? They have good beer, culture, and one of the most diverse, vibrant cities on Earth. WHERE'S THE BEEF?!
--L. Kiffin's A-Plus in Being a Douche, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Again, why must I explain things that have already been answered? British people have good beer, culture and a very great city. And I don't hate British people, I hate Britain. The simple answer is this: Israel, India, Iraq, Ireland, and especially Ireland (among many, many others) have gone through a bunch of unnecessary hardships in the last 100 years because of the UK. Some might argue that America is doing the very same thing and I say then to that: hate me then, other people. I don't care. Maybe America deserves to be hated. Like I do with Britain, hate America, don't hate the American.

Q: What's the protocol for Valentine's Day if you have a girlfriend? We've been dating for about a year and I've asked her but she says I don't have to get her anything. Obviously, I'm not that stupid. Help?
--J. Bourne's Lack of Memory, Prague, Czech Rep.
A: Valentine's Day is an unfortunate holiday for men. Obviously, you need to get her something. Since you've been dating a year, I'd say it should be pretty good. Jewelry and a nice dinner out should do the trick. Clothes are always a hideous idea (You don't know my size? Don't you know I hate this color? Do you think I'm a slut?), jewelry always good.

Q: I have a question about boobs. Most guys find them better natural. But is there anything wrong with fake boobs? They're still big and they're still in your face, plastic or not.
--H. Montag's Failure At Every Single Thing Besides Fame Whoring, The Hills, CA.
A: Personally, fake boobs are a turn-off because they signal how insecure someone is with their body. Then again, they are bigger....so I mean, there's nothing wrong with them. It just shows a lack of confidence really. I mean, they are pretty big. (dazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees off)

Q: What's your take on rub and tugs? Are they considered cheating? I mean it's basically just a massage...for your penis.
--H. Grant's Slack-Jawed Sweetness, London, UK
A: Obviously rub and tugs are cheating. Is your girlfriend getting fingered by a masseuse cheating? Hell yeah, so how's it any difference. You see, the key to rub and tugs is that they are always run in sketchy Asian massage parlors. So it's pretty easy to get away with. But yeah...it's cheating.

Q: What kind of car is best to have sex in?
--A. Greenspan's Declining Budget, Washington D.C.
A: Anything with hydraulics.

Q: If you were at a concert and lead singer couldn't make it on stage for a song...and they asked you to sing for him, would you do it? And would what be the band/song you'd most wanna do that for?
--T. Swift's Limited Vocal Range, Deep in the Heart of Texas (Included Twice to Get Point Across)
A: You might expect me to say Andrew McMahon/Jack's Mannequin but I wouldn't wanna ruin that for the people in attendance. I'd probably pick All Time Low's "Jasey Rae" because it's my favorite song by them and it doesn't require a whole lot of vocal ability.

Q: Say you're at a bar, drinking with your friends, on the prowl for some ladies, whatever. You meet a girl on the dance floor and you start making out, like sloppy drunk I'm talking. What's the time-limit on a makeout in public? And how long does it take for you start to just get bored and ask if she wants to "get out of here."?
--T. Tebow"s Virginity, Talahassee, FL.
A: I say when you makeout in public, you're already committing a "faux pas" so why put a time limit on it? Just have at it til you don't feel like it no more. Personally, it depends. For me to get bored, it doesn't take much longer than like 5-10 minutes before I'm like "Uhhh can we either take it up a notch or just stop?" But obviously, with the possibility of sex in the back of my mind, I probably wouldn't stop til a long while after that. Yes, I'm a guy and everything girls have heard about guys is true: we only think, care, and talk about one thing: sex.
Fuck you, Kase.
(I love you)

That's it for this month! I'll see you sometime this week, hopefully, with another cracking post on the intricacies of my troubles brain. Til then, das vedayna!
glimming