Dolan's Unintentional Comedy Scale

If you've ever read the great Bill Simmons over at ESPN.com, than you know all about unintentional comedy. So I thought, for the sake of future posts, I thought I would do my own scale. By giving you my scale from 1 to 10, I will effectively be able to show you the hilarity of seemingly unfunny events that weren't meant to be funny. People need to laugh more nowadays and that all starts with YOU. So here it is The Dolan Scale of Unintentional Comedy

1. Rocky Crying over Mick in Rocky III
Why It's Funny: Have you ever seen Sylvester Stallone act? Well, I was looking up how many Academy Awards he won the other day and nearly fainted with surprise when not only has he not won one, but he has won a Razzie for worst actor of the century. Anyways, Stallone's breakdown in this scene makes you wonder what the script outline really called for. So from now on when I mention "that's a 1 on the scale," think of this scene and giggle. But don't crack up, it's only a 1. Stallone's acting reminds one of a retarted gorilla crying because his brother stole his last banana. Watch and giggle.


2. Gus Johnson's Announcing
Why It's Funny: Enthusiasm is great, especially for broadcasters. It really helps get the fans more into the game. So we can agree on that. Gus Johnson, not to say he's a bad announcer cause he's not, gets more excited for a free throw than a virgin who realizes he's about to get laid. Everytime a college basketball game is on, I pray Johnson is announcing. Then you know it'll be a good game, regardless of the score. You can't blame the man for having fun behind the mic but you can chuckle. Don't laugh too hard, we're only on numero dos. But thank god for Gus Johnson, the exact opposite of Joe Buck.
If Gus Johnson announced women's basketball, I'd watch it.


3. T.O. Crying for Romo
Why It's Funny: Let's face it: white people are scared of black people. Everyone knows this. When a guy like T.O., an extremely famous black athlete, weeps like a little baby in front of the media after losing a game, it gives white people hope. And laughter. Cause after this we all know one thing: T.O. is tough on the field but kind of a pussy off it. I mean what do you think Tony Romo thought when watching this? "Ohhhhh god," in the most awkward tone you could think of. So sit back and laugh as one of the best athlete's in the NFL weeps like my 1 year old Kazakh cousin.


4. John Madden Speaking
Why's It Funny: John Madden was a Hall of Fame coach, a top name in the video game industry, and a long time announcer. A really long time. So long that Madden has decided to simply point out the most obvious things ever that my mother could say into a microphone. Since he's helped me fill 1/10 of the last 10 years of my life through video game playing, I'll give him a break for that. But not without laughing in disbelief at some of the stuff he says . As I'm sure NBC is too afraid to ask if he's been tested for senility, Madden will probably announce until he chokes on a brat announcing a Green Bay Packers game. Here he is, in all his glory (and by looking at him, there's a lot of glory there) explaining the bootleg by repeating the word over and over.


5. John Wayne as Genghis Khan
Why's It Funny: Let's start with the obvious. John Wayne was born in Iowa. Genghis Khan was born in Mongolia. Wayne is synonymous with masculinity due to his many memorable appearances in classic Western movies. It's not over great actors to find difficult, transforming roles. Take Colin Farell as Alexander the Great, for example. (Sarcasm alert!) I would venture a guess that pulling a Mongolian accent for an Iowan would compare to me dunking on LeBron James in the NBA Finals. Not very likely and probably a pretty pitiful display. So as we get to number 5 on DUCS (see: Title of blog), you can start to LOL or whatever it is you kids do nowadays.


6. Chris Matthews Passing as Political Analyst
Why's It Funny: You may have seen sketches on "SNL" parodying Mr. Matthews. Well, they aren't too far from the truth. I didn't want to include any Fox News Analysts because their job description is to "make sure you never agree with any liberal idea and act like a total douchebag to anyone who doesn't agree with you." Matthews's reign as host of MSNBC program "Hardball" does not push any agenda but the one of a screaming old guy (to quote George Costanza) acting "like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli." Matthews is being absolutely serious when yelling, which makes the Unintentional Comedy that much more Unintentional and Comedic. So enjoy the man at his very....best, I guess.


7. Carl Lewis Sings the Anthem
Why's it Funny: Well, Carl Lewis, taking a break from his very successful Olympic career, to continue his extremely embarrassing music career. (think Shatner singing "Rocket Man" but actually releasing it...oh, wait, he might of) Anyways, at this Chicago Bulls game, the Olympic gold medal winner proved that athlete's, as talented as they are, cannot do everything. He even APOLOGIZES in the middle of the speech and promises it'll get better. THIS is unintentional comedy at it's (almost) very greatness. If this doesn't arouse your sense of humor, laugh anyway. It's funny. (Side note: how is this not on youtube? someone get on that immediately)
Mr. Lewis in Concert

8. Coaches Angry Postgame Rants
Why's it funny: Coaches pour their heart into their work to try and prepare their team for victory. So when their teams get embarrassed, they are embarrassed themselves, not to mention angry. Sometimes, they continue the embarrassment after the game by delivering hilarious, angry, and dead serious press conferences. They are so angry that they just don't realize how ridiculous they sound. Since there are just oh-so-many of these to choose from, I'll give you the three I believe will forever live on in infamy.




9. Isiah Thomas, Knicks era
Why's it funny: It seems impossible for one man to successfully ruin one of the most storied sports franchises in America. Isiah Thomas has done just that to the Knicks. Him still being allowed to coach is hilarious in it self. After trading for disgruntled overpaid players like Stephan Marbury, Steve Francis, Zach Randolph, and Eddy Curry. Giving up years of draft picks, ordering hard fouls, and losing $25 million for his team in a sexual harassment lawsuit makes you wonder how you got fired for forgetting to mop up aisle 7 before you left Walgreens. If your from New York, I actually do feel terrible for you. But this situation is so ridiculous that maybe you should just laugh about it. Everyone else is.


10. Mike Tyson
Why's it funny: Please. Just watch and try not to cry laughing.


Hope you laughed considerably much. Study this scale as it will be refrenced later. I must again cite Bill Simmons, the great espn columnist who inspired this column. Get your laughs out and come back soon.

I Feel A Pain In My Liver....Pass Me That Bottle!

"Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time." It was a wise man who spoke these words, although I'm not sure who it was, as I'm too hungover to look it up. The following men and women lived by this motto better than most could ever strive for. Their livers of steel never failed to amaze the viewing public. So here they are 8 Most Perpetually Drunk Drunkards

8. Charles Bukowski
Drunk Quote: “I don't like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there”
Drunk History: Perhaps you've seen the movie "Barfly"? Well, if you haven't then you need to know that poet/author/postal worker Bukowski dealt with an alcohol habit and sex obsession his entire life. He was hospitalized with a ulcer due to his heavy alcoholism. For a long period, he was one of those alcoholic hobos wondering the streets. However, his writing gained popularity and then he was just an alcoholic indoors instead.
Drink of Choice: Cheap Wine

7. Dorothy Parker
Drunk Quote: "I wish I could drink like a lady, I'll have one or two at the most. Three and I'm under the table, Four and I'm under the host."
Drunk History: The poet and writer Parker was blacklisted and went through three rough marriages, along with a few suicide attempts. In between, she was busy ordering gun martini's and wine in her literary circle the "Algonquin Round Table" which probably had less moral intentions than King Arthur's. Although her alcoholism was from years of depression, her wit made her famous throughout America. Even more amazing, she was consistently drunk through most of her Oscar nominated screenplays and magazine publications. Can't you tell from her charming quote "I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa." Oh my, Dorothy.
Drink of Choice: Beefeater Gin Martini

6. William Faulkner
Drunk Quote: "Well, between Scotch and nothin’, I suppose I’d take Scotch. It’s the nearest thing to good moonshine I can find."
Drunk History: Faulkner also struggled with alcoholism throughout most of his life, although he claims he did not drink while writing. He used it as an escape valve. He also had a serious gambling problem, which increased his drinking significantly. It's not that Faulkner drank everyday. He planned out day or week long drinking binges after finishing novels or whenever he needed a break from reality. Some bender's went on as long as a month, which is quite impressive to say the least. Or pathetic, depending on how you look at it. Due to drinking, he was hospitalized numerous times for his alcoholism, and as he got older the alcoholism became more dangerous and eventually killed him.
Drink of Choice: Moonshine

5. W.C. Fields
Drunk Quote: "I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
Drunk History: Fields was a charming and lovable drunk Hollywood presence in the first half the 1900s. At the start of his career, he played drunk characters often but never drank himself. As the weary touring and traveling took a tool on him, he developed a drinking habit that was glamorized. (Think Lindsay Lohan but the exact opposite) On movie sets, he kept a "vacuum flask" (like a thermus) filled with martini's on hand. However, his heavy drinking worsened his health, turning him into a radio personality. His daily pitcher of martinis eventually caught up to fields and hurt his vision and most senses til he died.
Drink of Choice: Martini (and not just one)

4.Winston Churchill
Drunk Quote: "I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me."
Drunk History: Churchill, former PM of the UK, was notorious for drunken rants throughout press confrences. It is no wonder the UK almost got blown to bits in WWII, as their leader was perpetually sauced. It is said that alcohol was his best weapon during the war, providing him with the wit he needed to distract the UK from all the destruction. Not to mention, he could drink just about anything, anywhere, anytime, and take it down with ease. I would gladly have gone to war with this man or to a bar. You know, whichevers closer.
Drink of Choice: Whiskey w/ a splash of Water

3. Dylan Thomas
Drunk Quote: (Supposed Last Words) "I just had eighteen straight whiskey's. I think that's the record."
Drunk History: The Welsh poet was one of the most influential of the 20th century. Thomas boasted of his alcoholism often and his life was significantly affected by it. His health was declining at the young age of 39 due to his heavy drinking and as a doctor told him to stop, he carried on anyway. There are many rumors surrounding his death but the most popular is one which, if true, is the most badass story in the history of drinking. Thomas supposedly drank 18 straight shots of whiskey, casually lit up a cigarette, and went out outside to which he proclaimed the drunken quote above. He then slipped into an alcoholic coma and died of alcohol poisoning.
Drink of Choice: Ale and Whiskey (aka Boilermakers)

2. Ernest Hemingway
Drunk Quote: "Modern life is too often a mechanical oppression and liquor provides the only mechanical relief."
Drunk History: Hemingway's life was quite troubled. Through years of depression and angst toward society, drinking became a common daily escape for Hemingway. Especially in his later life, Hemingway spent much time in the Caribbean drinking his troubles away. With a beer belly to match, the fabled writer could sure put them down with the best of him. It's too bad that he committed suicide before we got to see him in his alcoholic prime.
Drink of Choice: Rum

1. Jackie Gleason
Drunk Quote: "I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings."
Drunk History: You may know Gleason as the husband from "The Honeymooners" who threatened "One of these days Alice...POW..right in the kisser." Gleason mixed his heavy alcoholism with 6 packs of cigarettes a day and a healthy amount of food. Gleason started drinking at 12 and smoking at 10. Gleason worked at numerous bars throughout his youth and got his break through his drunken bartenderish antics. He was said to down 15 drinks before going on stage to loosen up, which would kill most people. He bought rounds for bars, had parties til sunrise, and picked up more bar tabs than Frank Sinatra. This was all before he turned 21. Gleason continued his lovable drunken act throughout the rest of his career until he, go figure, succombed to liver and lung disease.
Drink of Choice: If asked, Gleason would say "What? Just one?"


There you have it, the greatest drinkers of our generation. The troubled and drunk seem to be the creative genius that drives the arts. There ain't anything funny about alcoholism though. Anyways, here's a funny video I found about alcoholism! Enjoy!

How Do You Define A Generation?

Every generation has something that seperates it from all the others. The '20s had jazz, the 60's had Vietnam, and no doubt our generation will be defined by Iraq. But it is music that always stands the test of time. Music floats through the airwaves of time like a tumbleweed caught in the wind. There is nothing more powerful or inspiring than a song, perhaps besides love. So let's travel through the generations of music that defined what it really meant to be a part of that time. The One Song That Defined Each Generation (60's-Present).

The 1960's
Song: "Like A Rolling Stone," by Bob Dylan
How It Defines the 60's:This song, oft considered the best song of all time, was a revolutionary song. To quote Rolling Stone, which named their magazine after the song, "No other pop song has so thoroughly challenged and transformed the commercial laws and artistic conventions of its time, for all time." There was no sheet music, no pre-ordained set-up to how it was supposed to sound. The personality he put into the lyrics and the sound can be only found in one of the 25 different takes it took to perfect it. But perfect it, he did. The 1960s were rough with Vietnam and Nixon. But as those things were changing our country in a negative way, this song alone changed the conventional way music was played. At 6 minutes long with sharp spirals of guitar and a gospel like organ "Like a Rolling Stone" was a revolutionary song in a revolutionary period.
Here is, not arguably, the best live version ever performed (perhaps of any song) of "Like A Rolling Stone":


The 1970's
Song: "Imagine," by John Lennon
How It Defines the 70's: The 70's, as you no doubt know, were times for free thought and openness. Peace, Love, And Happiness. No song has ever said that more boldly or powerfully. Lennon's lyrical genius (or naivety, depending on how you look at it) in "Imagine" basically is what the 70's were all about. After Vietnam, all people wanted was peace and understanding. "Imagine" was just that, saying "Imagine there's no countries, It isn't hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too." Lennon, although basically preaching socialism, poured his vision of a better world down onto paper and wrote one of the greatest songs ever written. This song WAS the 1970's in a nutshell.
Here it is and it's not so hard to "Imagine," is it?


The 1980's
Song: "Beat It," by Michael Jackson
How It Defines the 80's: The 80's were a....different time. Nothing says different like Michael Jackson. After EXPLODING onto the scene by GETTING INTO kid's HEADS everywhere, Jackson really delivered with "Beat It." Besides creating the "Soulja Boy" dance of the 80's, the song hit home with not only R&B lovers, but due to a guest guitar appearance from Eddie Van Halen, was also embraced by rock enthusiasts. The music video was also immensely popular on the growing cable network MTV (pre-Tila Tequila). Music was changing in the 80's and Jackson's songs best define that change. "Beat It" became a runaway hit and the 80's became that decade America could just forget and move on. Michael Jackson wishes that's what the 90's were so we would forget the happy little boys in his bed frolicking around his genitalia.
"Beat It," ladies and gentlemen. No double entendre there. I really meant masturbate.
Because they won't let me put it in my blog, follow the link to watch the pre-sexual deviant M.J.:
"Beat It"

The 1990's
Song: Smells Like Teen Spirit
How It Defines the 90s: The 90's was the dawn of a new generation and Nirvana was the start of it. The big-time ampness of the song wiped the entire sound of 80's music right out the window. The band rose up from overnight, literally, through airplay on MTV. It was a voice that was new to the America's ears. "Teen Spirit" was the voice of a disturbed young generation. Even though Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain could never cope with the success his band had, they were one of the most influential bands of the 90's. It was Cobain's shot at the increasing materialism and commercialization of America's youth culture. As said above, this song wiped away the 80's music and formed a new generation. Rarely can a song define a generation. But this one did that and more.


The 2000's
Song: "Crank That," by Soulja Boy
How it Defines the 2000s: I do apologize. I bet you were hoping for anything besides this song. But in the generation of "terrible overplayed hip-hop songs," this is what best defines the 2000s. Unfortunately, if you remember one hip-hop song from this era, it will be this one. You will know the soulja boy dance 30 years from now. Rap has virtually taken over the airwaves and it seems like that's all people really listen to nowadays. It's a shame but the truth. Speaking of shame, this song sparked a multitude of dancing kids, unknown sexual innuendo, and all around annoyance and people screaming "YOU!" at each other. The song/dance is just one of those things, like the "Macarena" for this decade. Hopefully, a real song will come along in the next year that can better define this decade. But hip-hop is king for the moment and "Crank That" is the epitome of a song/artist gaining undeserving success.
Here it is, for the 33,802,513th time:


You may not agree with all my choices but I feel like I've defined these generations as best as I could. Since I will be perpetually hungo over from my upcoming trip to Dublin for St.Patrick's Day, a new post may be elusive for a while. Sorry, it's just the truth. However, you can enjoy this new post over and over until you've memorized it. Impress your friends! Or you can watch this video of Hannah Montana and explain to me the appeal over any other Disney character or why the frick she is so damn popular?!?!?!

You Have Insulted My Honor, I Challenge You to a Duel!!

That's right, two posts in two days. And since my posts lately have been all about movies, music, and Hollywood, I'm switching it up for your benefit. From now on my posts will deal with awesome death, strange animal sex position, and cute teddy bears that turn evil at the most unexpected time. So what's one thing you don't know much about but is pretty bad ass? Obviously the answer is dueling. That's right. 10 steps back, turn around , BAM! You are dead motherfucker. Maybe it's with swords? Maybe a sledgehammer? Maybe pork sausage infected with cholera? It doesn't matter because someone's gonna get it. So without further adieu, here are the 6 Greatest Duels EVER.

6. Mackenna v. Carrera, 1814
Backstory: Senor Carrera was a brother of a Chilean revolutionary who challenged this Mackenna character to a duel since he was long insulting the family name. It was the third time the pair dueled, as there was a spicy animosity between the two shooters. Mackenna had run away from the previous two duels, so doing so a third time would obviously harm his reputation. In Spanish, they would call him a chucha, roughly translated to "pussy" or "cunt". Name drop that Spanish profanity next time a senorita makes you a bit angry. Trust me, when said out loud, it sounds like a dance or something. "Senorita, you grande chucha, let's dance or go upstairs and....ya know...huh, huh?" Ehem, sorry, I may have gotten a little off point there.
The Victor: Go figure, Carerra won after Mackenna missed his shot and then Carerra shot through Mackenna's hand and into his neck, killing him. Although the joke ended up being on both of them, as Mackenna was part of a secret society that was running the government. Carerra was arrested the next day and thrown in jail. Someone write a script for this already!
In a shocking change of pace, there will be no YouTube videos or media of any kind (not even pictures!). I know, shocking is an understatement.

5. Le Gris v. Carrouges, 1386
Backstory: Carrouges was a much respected knight in 14th century France. While away at battle, Le Gris, a knight and notorious womanizer, raped Carrouges wife. When trial came around, it just so happened that a good buddy of Le Gris' was the judge and acquitted him of all charges. So Carrouges, in a rare act of bravery from anyone or anything French, went to the King of France and got him to agree to a "judicial duel." In what can only be described as extremely badass, the judicial duel, which is basically a Get-Out-Of-Murder Free Card, went on with the entire nation's government being put on hold to watch the duel. (Kinda reminds you of Hilary/Obama, don't it?) So on July 9th, a week after my -600 year old birthday, a mandatory duel to the death was ordered. If that's not enough, Carrouges' wife would be burnt at the stake if he lost, as that would somehow prove she made the rape story up. If you ever ask what people did for entertainment before TV, this is your answer. But are historians sure this happened between two Frenchmen?
Winner: After both men's horses were "disemboweled" (yes, it is as cool as it sounds), the two men scuffled until Carrouges was stabbed in the thigh. Even though Le Gris was much stronger and Carrouges had a knife in his leg, Carrouges wrestled him to the ground, tore off Le Gris' face plate, and screamed at him to admit his guilt. (Kind of like in A Few Good Men when Tom Cruise is badgering Nicholson "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?! DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?!) As Le Gris wouldn't admit it, Carrouges stabbed him in the neck, killing him instantly. He then received gold, money, land, and presumably, a reputation that if you mess with his wife, you will get stabbed in the neck repeatedly.

4. Broderick v. Terry, 1859
Backstory: Broderick was a member of the Senate and Terry was a former Chief Justice. In a disagreement over slavery, Broderick was against making Cali a slave state. Terry lost his re-election bid due to his pro-slavery platform and blamed the loss on Broderick and his stance on slavery. Terry then made some less than flattering remarks about how the only reason Broderick doesn't support slavery is because Broderick "went black and couldn't go back", resulting in an angry Broderick and 150 years of black people bragging about their sexual prowess. (That's why the CIA gave them crack) All kidding aside, tensions rose and the duel date was set for a meeting at Lake Merced, just outside San Fran.
The Winner: Broderick's gun discharged early, right into the ground. That basically meant he had to stand there and get shot without being able to move, unless he wanted to be called a little Nancy boy by his Congressmates. Broderick was shot and died 3 days later. If only his first name was Matthew, maybe we never would have had to watch that terrible Godzilla remake. His death was one of many small events that led to Civil War.

3. Voloshin v. Gumilyov, 1909
Backstory: This one's pretty funny. When Gumilyov returned from his travels in Europe, he feel in love through what we'll call "hot mail sex" with a woman named Cherubina de Gabriak. Only problem is that Gabriak didn't exist, as it was just a literary pseudonym for a disabled school teacher along with poet Max Voloshin. Gumilyov became understandably upset and went to Voloshin, slapping him in the face which basically meant "Bitch, we're dueling." The duel was set and the two men met on the banks of the Chernaya River in late November.
Winner: Voloshin was a peace-loving hippie type, so he wanted no part in this. So on the way, he came up with a plan to lose one of his shoes in the snow. He claimed the duel couldn't take place until the shoe was found. Soon enough, everyone spent a very long time looking for the shoe, making it psychologically impossible to participate. It's kinda like a pitcher rolling along and then a rain delay comes and everything gets fucked up. So really, the only winner her is Voloshin because he broke Gumilyov's heart AND outsmarted him to get out of the revenge duel. It's more about the story here than the result.

2. Pushkin v. D'Anthnes, 1837
Backstory: Pushkin is widely regarded as the greatest Russian poet ever, or the only one, I'm not sure. Anyways, D'Anthnes, a French officer, was giving it to Pushkin's wife behind his back. In a last ditch effort to avoid a duel, D'Anthnes married Pushkin's sister-in-law, which is comparable to apologizing to someone for a car accident and giving them fake insurance information. Most believe that the affair was just a rumor started by two homosexual princes who wanted revenge on D'Anthnes for having a homosexual affair with the Ambassador to Holland. That's not a joke. Anyway Pushkin formally challenged the bisexual French lieutenant and the duel was on like D'Anthnes on the Ambassador.
Winner: The duel was short and sweet. D'Anthnes shot first and hit Pushkin in the stomach, wounding him badly. Pushkin shot back and grazed D'Anthnes' arm, not very badly at all. Pushkin died and D'Anthnes was arrested since dueling was illegal. However, he was pardoned by the Emperor since Pushkin bashed him so badly in his poetry. He returned to France to enjoy a successful political career, including being an assistant to Napoleon. However, due to the gravity of the situation and the hardheadness of the communist bastard Russians, D'Anthnes is the most cursed character in Russian literature. I compare this, as a Cubs fan to watching a Cardinals vs. White Sox game. I hate both teams, or ethnicities in this case, so it really doesn't matter who wins. A double death would have been awesome here.

1. Burr v. Hamilton, 1804
Backstory: Burr was the Vice President and Hamilton was the Secretary of the Treasury. Hamilton cost Burr a preisdential nomination in 1800. Some dude related to Hamilton released a letter in which he explained how Hamilton felt about Burr. The two quaralled with words about this for a while, both wanting an apology from the other. After a while, Burr's just like "Fuck this! We're dueling Hammy!" Hamilton accepted, in which most historians describe as a "suicidal" move as Burr was "murderous and malicious." Makes you wonder why dueling is illegal now, doesn't it? The duel was set for July at the Palisades in New Jersey. All people attending were given plausible deniability, as dueling was illegal. It's kinda like if Dick Cheney and Colin Powell got into a fist fight in the oval office. Except with guns.
The Winner: As a sign of courage sometimes, duelists would fire into the ground, to show they weren't afraid of a return shot and the other duelist would do the same. Hamilton fired his shot into the air, which Burr saw a sign of foolishness instead of courage. In what certainly was a magic bullet, Burr's shot hit Hamilton in the lower abdomen, bounced off his 2nd and 3rd rib, fracturing those, and hit some vital organs such as the liver and diaphragm, and eventually ending up lodged in his spine. He collapsed instantly and died. Burr was actually charged with murder in New York and Jersey but the charges were quickly dropped. Some question the duel, as Hamilton was a manic depressive with psychological problems and Burr was certifiably insane with blood lust.

That concludes my awesome post on the greatness of dueling. Don't get me wrong, dueling isn't that morally right. But neither am I. Imagine if you could still challenge someone to a duel. That would be so awesome. They could be on Pay Per View! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this more than my previous, like 30 posts on movies. No more posts on music and movies for the rest of 2008, I promise. We will get original over here in our work. Look for my very important column soon on monkey 's favorite sex positions! Until then, I'll be lobbying to re-legalize dueling. Peace my bro's and sis's!

Speech! Speech!

There are certain moments in life where a good speech can just tie everything together very nicely. Weddings, funerals, or maybe just rallying the Irish troops against the British (what? i can dream...). Movie speeches are very hard to pull off successfully because they are very cliche. Every once in a while, you get a great writer and director together and the speech can be an extremely high point in cinema. So here they are, the 6 Best Movie Speeches.



6. Choose Life
Spoken By: Ewen McGregor in Trainspotting
Memorable Because: Well, if you've seen the movie, then you know that the movie is pretty anti-establishment. McGregor's character, a heroin addict, gives a great opening speech about what what's expected of us in life. What we are expected to choose and how McGregor doesn't have any desire to choose that at all. In fact, he gives the same reason for choosing heroin instead of all those objects and commonalities of life that anyone could for choosing those: there is none. Who wants all that other crap? Choose what you want out of life. If you choose heroin, it's your own damn fault. Then you have the ending speech as well, in which he chooses the opposite of what he did at the start. But it's unclear if he's clean or just giving another one of those "we've heard that before" type speeches something like "Alright, this is my last cigarette and I'm clean." Or me saying I'm done with tequila. I actually laughed out loud writing that. (Sad, I know)
Here's the speech at the beginning:


And the one at the end:



5. Watch Up the Ass
Spoken By: Christopher Walken in Pulp Fiction
Memorable Because: Chris Walken has a very distinctive voice and sometimes commanding screen presence. It's amazing how Walken expresses the importance and sacrifice surrounding Bruce Willis' fathers watch. Willis' father died in a POW camp trying to keep the watch so he could pass it down and Walken risked his trying to get it to him. I can explain what the speech is about and all but that's like explaining Shakespeare to an infant. So here's the video. Watch as Walken completely makes a somewhat ridiculous story and turns it into something great.


4. Napalm in the Morning
Spoken By: Robert Duvall in Apocolypse Now
Memorable Because: Are you kidding? Besides producing one of the most famous lines in cinema history, you have Duvall delivering a great speech while he makes a soldier surf in the middle of a battlezone. In this great speech, you can see what war does to people. It can make them almost senseless. I get chills when the speech is over and Duvall delivers the final line. Very telling and very powerful.


3. Freedom!
Spoken By: Mel Gibson in Braveheart
Memorable Because: One of the most recognizable moments in cinema ends this speech. Mel Gibson's speech to rally the Scots against the dirt English (Horray!!!!) shows you how effective a speech can actually be if done right. Gibson's scream is just the tip of the iceberg. God, I would have followed that anti-semetic bastard into war if he gave me this speech (especially if it was against the English).


2. Hoo Ahh!
Spoken By: Al Pacino in Scent Of a Woman
Memorable Because: Pacino's portrayal of a blind ex-war hero, which earned him an Oscar, culminates in this great speech about loyalty, trying to get his friend out of expulsion. Pacino takes over the movie at this point. Making references to war in regards to spirit and soul, he gives a great diatribe on how ridiculous the preceedings are. IF you've seen it, and if you haven't WTF, then you know Chris O'Donnell stays loyal to Pacino the entire day, honoring his wishes and even saving his life. Honor, loyalty, principle. He pretty much makes everyone against his friend look like a huge douchebag. Starting at 2:57, Pacino shows why he's one of the greatest actors of our time.


1. Shut Up Maggots!
Spoken By: R. Lee Ermy in Full Metal Jacket
Memorable Because: In this 5-minute profanity fest of hilarity, Ermy, maybe known to you as the actor who is typecasted as a guy who yells alot with a military background, pretty much destroys the spirit of everyone in the room by insulting them, their mothers, and their 2-year old children. If you need to add a few insults to your repertoire then just watch this clip of the movie. It is quite possibly one of the most vulgar, ridiculous, offensive, and awesome scenes in movie history. I could keep describing it but I wouldn't do it justice.


There you have it, some of the greatest diatribes put on to film. It compares little to the 2007 speech I gave for the independence of Tajikistan, but my public speaking skills are uncomparable. I hope you enjoyed my little list of speeches as my blog slowly becomes more and more like cracked.com, except it's not updated nearly as much. Maybe I'll do something political next time and give my blog a nostalgic taste. Until then, stay hungry boys and girls. (are there any girls that read this? psh, I doubt it)