What You're Really Thankful For

On a day like today, we are supposed to look at our lives and give thanks for the most important things. Your family, friends, significant others, health, etc. Please. I know what you're really thankful for and have compiled a list of the stuff that really does matter most. Because sometimes you need to thank the people who make your lives more interesting, like me. So thank me. After you're done reading 40 Things You're Really Thankful For

1. Designated Drivers
2. When you're girl/boy friend gets drunk and you just know you're gonna get some good lovin' because of it.
3. Dance/Hip-Hop music that makes girls dance like they're in a rap video.
4. Drink specials that are so preposterous, you'd be stupid not to go out/take extreme advantage.
5. Ridiculous drunk texts from ridiculously drunk people.
6. When a drunk girl tells you she's a virgin, even if she's not, to make sex more fun.
7. Terrible looking people hooking up with each other.
8. People stumbling and falling down while drunkwalking.
9. Food places that are open ALL. NIGHT. LONG.
10. That shitty band that is all the sudden pretty damn good after your 6th beer.
11. Pictures of you that you have no recollection of taking.
12. Tylenol, Advil, and Coffee
13. Not remembering someone's name all night long and getting away with it.
14. Looking much worse than you think you look.
15. Finding creative ways to get free drinks.
16. The invention of a tasty new drink that is yours and yours alone. (See: Seagrams 7, Splash of Tequila, 7 Up, Top with Champagne)
17. Waking up, looking next to you, and breathing a sigh of relief.
18. Passing other people on their walks of shame while you are on yours.
19. Being able to hide your hangover from everyone well.
20. Being the drunkest person at a family event--and not caring.
21. Bars that are open til 4 AM.
22. Being the only drunk person somewhere and being proud of it.
23. Cubs games that give you an excuse to drink during the day.
24. Drunk girls in heels.
25. Saying things that feel profound--but aren't.
26. Asking the bartender "What's the strongest drink you can make?" and have him respond "I know what you need" when buying a girl a drink.
27. Having a gay person hit on you even if you aren't gay and liking it because gay people know all about looks and style.
28. Not knowing any better.
29. Waking up wearing something completely different than the night before.
30. Hungover morning sex.
31. Choosing mexican food because, hey, they have margaritas.
32. Saying "it'll all work out" throughout the night and being right.
33. People in your phone with names like "Purple Shirt Bar Guy" or "Best Head Ever."
34. Your friend foolishly opening up a tab with you around.
35. Being allowed to go to a bar in gym shorts.
36. "Whoo!" girls.
37. Being hurt and not able to feel it.
38. Sunday Fundays.
39. Droral Sex. (Drunk Oral Sex) I mean...it's pretty satisfying.
40. Short Epileptic Jewish Girls that like you for some reason.

That's what you're really thankful for. Thank ME later. Peace out and Happy Thanksgiving!

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On

Now that I'm done with all the Michael Bay movies, I must find something else to Real Time Review. And guess what? I thought long and hard about what series of movies to do next. The movies had to be both in a series of similar movies and mind-blowingly retarded. I thought of all those American Pie movies--but I actually like the first three and I think making fun of comedies isn't as funny as say making fun of horrible directors. But after searching long and hard (for about 10 minutes), I found my golden insult baby. What movies, you might ask, are so horrible, that they might even be WORSE than the Michael Bay ones? Well, you're answer my friends is the Bring It On series. Yes, the cheerleading ones. Did you know there are FIVE of them?! I couldn't believe it myself. And since I hate myself, I'm going to get drunk...and real time review them. I call this series the Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review. Clever, I know.

00:00:00: What to drink, What to drink? Well, since I need a little spirit (if you think that's the last cheerleading pun, think again), I think I'll go with a good old friend...I forgot what I named it but it's my Seagram's 7 Whiskey, Tequila, 7 Up, and Champagne mix. POP IT AND LOCK IT BABY!

00:00:39: I immediately regret this decision.

00:01:45: To kill time, I'm going to stir up argument: cheerleading is not a sport. Discuss.

00:02:10: If there was nudity, I would have just saw Kirsten Dunst naked. Thank you, PG-13.

00:03:33: Skeez ball boyfriend should check in to the "Horseshit School of Acting."

00:04:22: Do male cheerleaders really get this much ass? Let me rephrase that...female ass.

00:05:40: Ten bucks says the Asian and the Blonde at least kissed on set.

00:06:04: Winning cheerleading captain is kind of like winning....I don't know, something stupid.

00:06:55: Sometimes I wish I had a gay friend. He could help me with fashion and girl problems and shopping.

00:07:59: The snotty brother thinks he's funny but I hate it.

00:08:22: Kirsten Dunst admits she's not a genius. Nomination for Least Shocking Thing Ever Heard.

00:09:20: Jocks doing the loser sneeze. Classic.

00:09:45: Cute new guy tries to school jocks about the loser sneeze being out of style. Jocks pwn him and do it again. Double classic.

00:10:30: Who names their kid Cliff? Unless you're a red dog, I think THAT'S what out of style, *sneezelosersneeze*

00:11:09: "Malignant this, tool." while holding their junk. Jocks are hilar.

00:12:05: Special Olympics joke! And it works! (Unlike their legs! BWAHAHAHHA)

00:12:55: Are cheerleading tryouts really this ugly and boring? Where are all the hot chicks with daddy issues?

00:13:40: Rapping cheerleader. So cliche.

00:13:59: I auditioned for Pippin once. They told me my voice was too alto-tastic.

00:14:39: This Asian 14 year old looks/sound like she's 3. And she's still taller than my girlfriend. Haha. Whoa, that one's gonna land me in el case de perros.

00:15:33: Hey, didn't you use to be Eliza Dushku?

00:16:30: Girl can flip and shit.

00:17:08: What the fuck is a cheerocracy? Is that some Canadian political term?

00:18:38: Cliff thinks Kirsten is interesting. So go start a Facebook group about it and be the only member, buddy.

00:19:41: Ugh. Back in my day, cheerleadering chants had creativity. I could choreograph that, for Jesus' sake!

00:20:43: CAT FIGHTTTTTTT! No never mind. They going for a ride instead. Why don't girls fight with their hands instead of their heads? Bitches.

00:21:39: Black cheer squad is significantly better than white one. Color me not surprised. They practice that shit in the club like 3 times a week. MAKE IT RAIN GIRL!

00:22:33: Kirsten about to get her ass whooped by black squad.

00:23:39: Gangsta girl is begging for a fight. Urbanites total schooled the suburbanites on life lessons!

00:24:40: I'm cursed too Kirsten. Except my curse....is watching you try to act.

00:25:40: YOU DROPPED THE SPIRIT STICK OMG ROFLZZZZZZZZ

00:26:09: Apparently if you drop a spirit stick, you go to hell. I mean the logic is just undeniable.

00:27:00: Is Kirsten wearing a bra as a shirt? I mean, it's California, but c'mon now. Nobody wants to see that.

00:27:55: Everyone's in favor winning....and bad fashion! BOO YA!

00:28:40: A big gay cheerleader who won't return your phone calls is just not worth your sweet time, K-Girl!

00:29:22: Eliza dancing in a cheerleading uniform...that would be my complete fantasy, except it's not my girlfriend. I'm soo good at that filtering stuff, ain't I?

00:30:40: Cliche dumb jocks enter, and the cheerleaders get cheered on by the crowd. I think I just entered San Fransisco School of People that Aren't Heterosexual.

00:31:40: Reading at a football game means your brooding and interesting. Mark it down.

00:32:19: Bench clearing brawl and some girl redoes her underwear. Smooth transition if there ever was one.

00:32:44: That's what they call a cheerleading fail, other team. Who cares, you're rocking them in football. And nobody reads about cheerleading in the paper, so you win, hooray!

00:34:03: Totally having cheer sex. Totally. There's all this lingo that I never learned in high school. I missed out, apparently.

00:35:00: Black cheer squad totally owns the white one. I mean...honestly, who's gonna have better careers in the end? Just saying...

00:35:50: When a football player gets insulted by a cheerleader, I don't laugh. Jocks are so cool, I love them, always have.

00:35;51: Also, Jocks are easier to insult.

00:36:50: Speaking of insult, the brooder is totally rocking out while Kirsten is peeping. Define peeping however you want.

00:37:44: TOOTHRBUSH WARRRRRR!!! MALE VS FEMALE IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATH! WHO'S GONNA WIN?!?!

00:38:29: One thing we've learned from toothbrush war 2000: Kirsten Dunst spits. Spitters are Quitters, ladies.

00:39:03: We pause so Mike can refill his lovely drink of death.

00:39:59: Gotta love hiring crazy chorepgrahers.

00:40:55: Cheerleader car wash. I believe some girls could make a career out of this if they wanted too.

00:41:56: Cleavage alert!

00:42:35: THe brooder drives hard. I hate brooders. Go be emo with Edward and Bella, you dirty scumboy.

00:43:30: This crazy choregrapher musta won a few Oscars that I've never heard about, WHOA!

00:44:29: Just goin and insulting everyone isn't the way to get things done, choreoboy.

00:45:44: He's taking crazzzzzzzzzAYYYYYYY pills!

00:46:20: Are spirit fingers just cheerleading talk for "guys who use their hands well down there on girlssss"?

00:47:39: Guys who act dark and mysterious apparently get girls. I must have missed the "you have to be lame to pick up women" memo.

00:48:55: Cheerleaders are out of control. I think they are cute though.

00:50:22: How does one judge a cheerleading competition? By attractiveness!

00:51:22: Black squad does good. WHITE PEOPLE LOVE WATCHING BLACK PEOPLE DANCE!

00:52:38: Girls before Kirsten copy their routine. Aww shucks, now we won't make it regional semi-LOLZOMGZROFLCOPTERZZZZZZfinals

00:53:55: This is just embarassing. They are doing the same thing as the last team. Reminds me of the time I copied how to have sex for the first time from the porn I watched. Not appropriate?

00:54:55: Why do black people hate white people so much? What did we ever do to them?

00:55:33: I mean it was a copy...but I still enjoyed myself. Assholes could've clapped at least.

00:56:38: I have spirit fingers too. Middle and Index. They could put spirit into any lady.

00:58:09: Girls crying. You know the drill.

00:59:40: Guy tries to French Kiss Kirsten. I call that "Cutting the Challah." Only Jewish people understand.

01:00:59: Kirsten dances like an idiot. And that's just when she's cheering.

01:01:50: The brooders song is actually pretty good. But I like teenage pop-rock music. FTW!

01:03:38: Kirsten's inspirational speech reminds me of a young Audrey Hepburn. With a weird face and on heroin.

01:04:39: Practice montage of crazy different dances that matters like WHOA!

01:05:30: Kirsten catches the gay boyfriend cheating...with a girl?!??! NOW we're getting somewhere!

01:06:39: Inner-city squad can't afford to go? What's next, a Mexican family having more kids than they can afford and overpopulating?!

01:08:20: Black girl rips up a check. That's a first. BITCHES BE CRAZY!

01:08:50: Blach cheer girl never worries. I seriously doubt that honey, you live in an impoverished hood.

01:10:15: Brooder is retardeddd to the bone. Be Aggressive! B-E-AGRESSIVE!

01:11:08: Fat Oprah wannabe gives the black sqaud money to go to some cheer competition. If I had a nickel for everytime that happened!

01:12:30: FLORIDA HAS BEEN INVADED BY CHEERLEADERS! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RUN FOR OYUR LIFE!

01:13:45: Advice from one cheer captain to another: if you don't wear underwear, you will be a big hit on YouTube.

01:14:10: Doesn't everyone love when the characters repeat the title of the movie over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?

01:16:09: Cheerleader slumber...can you say....RAH RAH RAH

01:17:13: Spanky pants, FTW!

01:18:10: Girl just projectiled in a coaches face. That's why I quit the cheer biz, in the first place to be quite honest.

01:19:59: The black team is owning the white team. It's like the 1800s in reverse!

01:20:51: The brooder is there and thus, will inspire Kirsten to victory. Brooders are so lame, the only thing they inspire is cheeeer.

01:21:49: What an orig routine, like totes OMG, I lol'd @ dat fo sho, all day err day, sistah!

01:22:33: Using the brooders song in the final routine, ugh waht a fail.

01:24:33: The blacks won. It's only been a few thousand years.

01:25:00: Is East Compton better than just Compton? Who cares, this movies almost over and I LOVE these 90 minutes runtimes.

01:26:09: Kirsten let the spirit stick drop again! Welcome to the SECOND CIRCLE OF HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

01:26:59: Sometimes when you get the girl/guy, second place feels like first. I figured that out on my many travels to StrikeOutVille.

01:27:33: I am just not blogging on this "Hey Mickey" montage. Just no no no no no no.

That'll do it for my first in our brand new series. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out now and start drinking again. Because I apparently have no regard for human life when it's my own. GOODNIGHTY NIGHT!

Drunk Personalities: Bar Staff

Quite often enough we don't give enough props to the people that pour our drinks for us. Sometimes maybe we don't tip enough, we get belligerent, or, even worse, we hit on them even though they are way out of their league. But without them, there would be no bars. The world would be chaos. Anarchy I say. I might even say that again. But I won't. So in my next edition of drunk personalities, here is the Typical Bar Staff.

The Bouncer
Appearance: Bald, Fat and Muscular, Goatte'd, Black Clothing
Traits: Mean, Tough, Clipboardish, "No I Don't See a Dolan On the List, I Don't Care if You Reserved it Last March"
Their Purpose: The bouncer is there to keep the undesirables out and the drunk people in order. Sometimes this means he'll get all medieval on your ass, sometimes it means he'll just ignore you completely. The bouncer's job is not easy. He has to be completely vain and base everyone off their looks, just like the people he lets straight in. And although my lifelong dream of becoming one will probably not come true, I hold out hope that one day it is ME who will finally be able to judge others. If not by bouncer, at least by judge on America's Next Top Model. FAB!
Job Requirements: Bench Press a Pontiac G6

The Kitchen Worker
Appearance: Grungy, Messed Up Hair, Apron'd, Not Smiling
Traits: Impatient, Smells like Fries, Talks Like Burgers.
Their Purpose: The kitchen worker is more often than not disgruntled. They make fun of the rest of the staff, usually in a different language, mainly out of jealousy. Although they make delicious, yummy food, they probably couldn't cook a real meal if they tried. He reeks of the crap he's cooking all day, err day. He doesn't have time to deal with your incompetence, I mean, come on it clearly says 3 Burgers/Hold the fries instead of the more sensical 3 Burgers/Fries. (Ed.'s Note: Someone is disgruntled) I know some of you think my editor is funny but in actuality he has a small penis and you shouldn't listen to him. Writer's notes are funnier anyway. (Ed.'s Note: Fuck you, desk jockey. Mine are more witty and unexpected) You do them every paragraph. Their about as expected as a girl's period by now.
Job Requirements: No Habla Ingles

The Hard-Working Bartender
Appearance: Average Looking, Average Talking, Average Weight/Height, Average Breast/Penis Size, Average Average Average Averageeeeeeeeeee. Good work ethic, though.
Traits: He/She's fucking average.
Their Purpose: Quite simply, the hard-working bartender is there to balance out the work the hot eye candy bartenders are not doing. While the others are flirting, the hard working bartender is getting drinks, talking to the alcoholics, and cleaning up the ditzytenders messes. Basically, their in control of the bar, while the eye candy brings in the tips. Fair, it is not, but the hard-working bartender doesn't care. Even though they keep up on the latest trends in barkeeping, new shots, and the advantages of wheat beer to ones prostate health, they will go home with just as much as the "OMG:-)LOLtender." FOR SHAME!
Job Requirements: Do Most of the Work

The Hot Bartender
Appearance: Big breasts/penis, Sexy tanned, Ripped/skinny, HAWT TO THE BONE
Traits: Ditzy, Flirty, Just. Plain. Hot. Seriously, most bars in Chicago make you send in your picture to apply for jobs. Think that's so they can put it on the wall? THINK AGAIN!
Their Purpose: One purpose only: $$$$. Hot people are funner to look at, draw more tips, and generally bring it horny guys and girls that are getting drunker and more horny by the millisecond. They may have to deal with disgusting people more than the hard-worker but nobody said the world's all flowers and ladybugs. I mean, sometimes it is. But not when you have some 50-year old hillbilly calling you "sugartits." Trust me, I would know. I went to school in Missouri.
Job Requirements: Induce Boners

The Barback
Appearance: Skinny, Minority, or like those midgets from Lord of the Rings. What are they called? No, I mean besides lame movie characters. (Backlash in 3, 2, 1......)
Traits: Hard-working, not hard-enough, not much personality. There's something holding him back, but whattttttt? I mean, just because he chose ABBA on the jukebox the first night he worked, that doesn't mean he should be held back. There's nothing wrong with ABBA. Nothing. I mean, they made a Broadway play about them and I can't listen to them in a bar WELL FUCK YOU BAR I WANNA LISTEN TO DANCING QUEEN WHILE I"M CLEANING SHIT UP! (Ed.'s Note: Well, I don't even need to say anything really, do I?)
Their Purpose: To clean everything up. Fast. If they don't clean it all up fast, why the hell are they there? The answer: they aren't. There's hundreds of other "hard-working for low-pay workers" (read: illegal immigrants) that would swoop in and take their trabajo. NO BIEN! Limpias las manos en el bano AHORA, Miguel! AHORA! Algo corporativo es la banda más atractiva jamás. Tengo no mas comprension de espanol.
Job Requirements: Look Much Uglier and Be Willing to Do Much More Work than Hot Women Pictured Above

The Owner:
Appearance: Fat, Beard, Unkempt, Aged Horribly
Traits: Stressed to no end, Whiny, Usually not nice but let's be honest, you can't be nice to your employees and own a successful bar. Not possible.
Their Purpose: Their purpose is to run the day to day operations of the bar that nobody in the history of the world knows how horrible it actually is to own a bar. Everybody, at least once in their life, will at least temporarily contemplate how awesome it would be to own a bar. No. It's no much crap work for a risky investment that it nearly kills you from the stress. But the owner does it. Do you know why? So people like me and you can go boss around their lackeys for vodka tonics and shots that only exist in our heads that nobody has ever heard of. But damnit. We're the customer. And you're gonna make my fucking shot. Because I have money. And the owner wants it. Notice how. I don't really need. To put periods. In-between these words. What. Ever.
Job Requirement: Be Fat, Near Alcoholism, and Have High Blood Pressure

That'll do it for another great edition of drunk personalities! You love it don't you? I know you do, that's why I wrote it. Jerks. Anyway, I do have some exciting news. But before I go on, I must stress that this is not a promise, but a possibility. Too many people were upset deeply (read: one) by my last guest blogger's failure to write a paragraph in over a month. But he's been forever banned. And I have a new, real, enthusiastic guest blogger in his midsts. What he'll write about, I have no idea, but that's up to him. And hopefully it'll be soon. But this time I have more confidence that it'll actually get done. So get excited for that. I mean, the writing quality will probably be a little "off" from what you're used to, but I'm willing to give aspiring alcohol enthusiasts the chance to write about their enthusiasm. Until next time, aur revoir muchacho/as!

Pin the Tail on the Drunk Asshole

I love games. I'm very competitive and obviously like to drink, so its no surprise that I like drinking games. And none of them are really that out of control. I mean, you got beer pong, flip cup, and quarters and those are all fine and good. But sometimes you're just feeling like an actual challenge. Something you could look back on and maybe tell your AA sponsor some day. These are what only few men only dare attempt. For it is by blind competitive spirit (read: stupidity) that any human being would take on one of the 5 Most Ridiculous Drinking Challenges.

5. Century Club
The Challenge: A power hour for 100 Minutes
How Much Drinking Total: Between 10-11 Beers
How It Gets Ya: The century club, admittedly, probably shouldn't be on this list. It's not THAT hard (not that it's easy), but alas, I was searching for something to take up the fifth spot. So sue me for lack of creativity. I've never enjoyed power hours and I don't support the participation of anyone in them, although I will do it for the common good. And by that I simply mean I will do it if someone asks me too. But century club is for little sissies and girls that can't drink enough because they are on seizure meds. (I predict you've already told Jillie by the time you're finished with this sentence, Emily)

4. Case Race
The Challenge: A team of "x" amount of people tries to finish a case of beer before the other team(s) doing the EXACT SAME THING WHOA!
How Much Drinking Total: It depends. (Ed.'s Note: On What, Mike?) Well, many factors. Are you female or male? Are you over 160 lbs? Have you ever drank before? When you're choosing what to wear to go out on a Friday night, do you choose a pink polo and think "Damn, I need to pop that collaaaaaa, fo sho!"?? (Ed.'s Note: That would make you pretty cool, bro)
How It Gets Ya: Speed drinking isn't for everyone. Finishing a large amount of beer in a short amount of time takes a bit out of you. But a case race is about one thing and one thing only. And unlike sex, that thing is not endurance. But like sex, its about opening your throat real wide and swallowing a big load of semen. Wait. I mean beer. A big load of beer. Sorry. My mind is all up in the guttah.

3. Irish Truck Bomb
The Challenge: Chug an Irish Truck Bomb without stopping/vomiting/dying
How Much Drinking Total: A pitcher full of Guinness, 1.5 shots of whiskey, 1.5 shots of Bailey's Irish Creme
How It Gets Ya: The Irish Truck Bomb is tough, in that Guinness is very heavy, like K-Fed Post-Britney. Plus you got all that booze and the fact that you need to chug it all at once. Well, it takes a true test of will to down one of these babies. Many Americans, blinded by their lack of taste and mortal stupidity, do not appreciate the sexual taste of Guinness that makes one's mouth go "mmmm, this is how sex must feel for Ron down there." (Ed.'s Note: Mike's mouth has apparently named his wonder organ. How is this guy not published?) And while my editor continues to be a mean, mean little man, ponder this doozy of a conundrum: if a Truck Bomb explodes in your mouth, does your tongue think it just got laid? Or just mine?

2. Down I-55
The Challenge: Drink a shot of beer corresponding to whatever minute it is for 10 minutes. (1 shot for the first, 2 for the second, 3 for the third, 4th for the fourth, etc....)
How Much Drinking Total: 55 Shots of Beer in 10 Minutes, about 6 beers.
How It Gets Ya: If you have to ask, you can't handle it. My attempts fall short when it gets to minute seven and there is nothing left in my field of vision. Reading it, you may not think it would be that hard. But that's what she said. And it is. It's a power hour in 10 minutes and it takes a true bread of man (read: an idiot) to attempt it, let alone finish it. But say you accidently invited both girls you're dating to the same party and need a quick way out: well, this could temporarily delay the fact that you'll probably need to get used to porn being a good friend of yours. Unless you're really smooth like me. I could pull off dating two girls if I tried, I choose not to because 1) I'm really nice and 2) really don't want to because my girlfriend is so nice and flat-out gorgeous. (tell THAT one to Jillie, madam)

1. 24 in 24
The Challenge: Drink 24 Beers in 24 hours, without sleeping at any time even if you're finished.
How Much Drinking Total: 24 Beers. I mean, come on, it's in the title.
How It Gets Ya: This challenge would be so much more enticing if you could actually sleep after you've finished. But no, the gods of dumbassery have bestowed that not to be enough to claim victory. One must stay awake, piss drunk, and not die. Well even though I got through 19 beers (no bragging or anything) in 12 hours, the game needs to be played to pure perfection if one is to even to come close to finishing it. But besides needing an iron liver, you'll need a crazy ass amount of endurance. (Writer's Note: Like Mike during s_x. He's a good woodwindest.) But it's all irrelevant really. You see, the 24 in 24 challenge can be attributed to one thing: moronism. (that's actually a word, no spell check came up) There's no reason to feel the need to finish besides maybe it getting you laid. But if you need this challenge to get laid, you might want to start watching re-runs of Happy Days and study The Fonz. HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, sucks to be you.

After destroying my writer's block with another wonderful post, I'm tired and don't much feel like adding a conclusion. Besides, this paragraph is just like Decaf coffee with dessert: unnecessary and unstimulating. So let's bust out of here like a nut...on an acorn tree and go out on the high note I just hit. Ciao!

Hey All !!!!!

Hey blogees and blogettes, I just have a quick little update. I've taken it upon myself to create a movie website so that I can review movies and stuff without taking up space here. I'll probably try and review two a week or something. Don't worry, I won't cross-swords, so to speak, between the two. But I will self-promote. Hard.

Here's the link and I'll put up a link on the right side over there by my email. Enjoy and keep reading (both)!

Two Thumbs Down

A Night Out With: The Popped Collar and Ed Hardy

Nothing worse than douchebags. Am I right or am I right? Recently, I wanted to find out what it's like to spend an entire night out with douchebags. I found a guy that wears Ed Hardy and a guy who had a Pink Collard Shirt with a popped collar and hair so gelled it would hurt to run your fingers through it. This is what happened.

Arrive at the Club at exactly 11:00pm

Ed Hardy: Tight, brah, just on the dot. Check out the tools here. The babies in the club be feelin' tahhhnighttttttt.
Popped: Fucking fuck bro. Let's get some brews and mack hard.
Ed Hardy: SICK AS TIGHT BRO.
(High five chest bump, into the club)

Ed Hardy: Hello there beautiful do you like my new sunglasses? I got them to shield me from your shining eyes.
Popped: FUCKIN' SICK PICK UP LINE BRO
Ed Hardy: YEAH BRO! Yo, barkeep, two jagerbombs light on the bombs, if ya can handle.
Popped: JAGERBOMBS LIGHT! FUCKINNNNG BEAUTIFUL!
Ed Hardy: Let us toast to Thealand and all the tight Ed Hardy gear they brewin'!
Popped: AND THE SICK POLO'S BRO!

Popped: Hey gorgeous, wanna come back to my place? I just got the new season of Entrouage. IN FUCKIN' BLUUUUUUU-RAY!
Ed Hardy: Yo, you said yo sis was 17 but maybe you could invite her anyway.
Girl: Tight, you don't mind the age limit things?
Popped: AGE LIMITS FOR FAGS BRO!
Ed Hardy: Alright let's bounce like gelatin. We'll be rollin' in my tight ass tricked out Izuzu. Yo, Popped, grab some Red Bull Lights for the road. Gotta stay energized for you, ladies.
Popped: TIGHT TRANSITION INTO A PICK UP LINE BRO! FOUR RED BULL LIGHTS!
Bartender: That's $15.69
Popped: Sixty nine like me and and your mom later, queer!

Popped: YO WHO WANTS TO WATCH MY REAL WORLD AUDITION TAPE?
Ed Hardy: Pop that in. Trust me ladies, it's about as tight as my all-in-one shampoo-conditioner-cologne-aftershave that I got from Ben Affleck, brosis's.
Popped: It's pretty tight bro. Smells like FUCKIN' SEX PLAYER JUICE!
Ed Hardy: You ladies wanna drink? I got this new recipe for GHBtini. Supposed to be SICK. AS. FUCK.
Girls: We'll have two each.
Popped: It's a FUCKIN' TROJAN NIGHT SICKSTER!
Ed Hardy: Let's bump chests in honor of this glorious time.
(bumps chests. Popped's phone rings)
Popped: Sup? WHAT?! (hangs up) WE GOTTA GO BRO!
Ed Hardy: What is it my brosef?
Popped: CLEARANCE SALE AT ABERCROMBIE FOR KIDS!
Ed Hardy: Oh we gotta go mack.
Popped: LET'S TEENY BOP BOP!
Ed Hardy: To the TIZUZU!
Popped: WAY TO COMBINE TIGHT AND IZUZU BRO!
Ed Hardy: Roll out bizetches.


And that's where they left me. And thank god. Because it was getting kind of ridiculous. But until next time, aur revoir!

My #1 Poem

I do for all of my #1 readers, I've written a short poem for someone who reads this blog alot's birthday. Let's not name names though. That'd be silly. I'm also doing this because I'll be busy all weekend doing....stuff and won't have time to post anything. But I know it's another readers birthday on Monday and I'll probably be back with another clever bit of writing for them. (Also, I hope it will substitute as a gift so I don't have to pay for shots. Haha just kidddddding. Sort of.)
So here's a poem for this anonymous person's birthday.
I call it "Happpy Birthday With Three P's"

Happy birthday, twenty-one, huh?
That's not that old but alas, not that young
Don't take offense, there's nothing mean in the rest
hopefully at least, i'm writing this in jest.

As you can see by now, I'm not a great poet
if this were in a book, Henry David would Thoreau it
But let's not stray too far from the idea
Besides, I need to hurry so I can watch Mamma Mia!

I'm sure that today you'll be drinking alot
Maybe you'll even do twenty one shots
You shouldn't feel shame if it's never remembered
just de-tag the pictures on the eighth of November

And if on your birthday, you are outshone
well, that's something that I can't condone
So if a girl outdoes you at this convention
I'll scream "It's her Birthday, give her the attention!"

So on the 7,665th day of your history
Just know that life to you will still be a mystery.
But you can think about that more when you're Twenty-Three
Just be happy today, cause you deserve that third P.

Happy Birthday!

Yes, Sometimes I Do Wish Cuba Gooding Jr. Would Make a Bad-Ass Comeback and Other Sarcastic Responses: The November Mailbag

Welcome to the mailbag! Last week's was just a holiday special but this week we're going full force, straight up, and out. of. control. You know why we're going so crazy here at the blog? Well, it's the 12th straight month with a mailbag, giving me a full calender year full of mailbags. Some obviously have been better than others. But we're going to make this one extra special. You see, this time I'm going to get totes ridic with all my questions and make the answers borderline illegal. Let's start it up.


Q: Is there any thanks you'll be giving in honor of the month?
--B. Lidge's Hanging Sliders, Philadelphia, PA
A: Oh. I'll be giving out plenty of "thanks" if you know what I mean. Heh? Heh? Yeah. (Ed.'s Conscience: By thanks, he means sex, people. That's really rude though, I apologize for him)

Q: Say you were dating a girl. Say she had a mom. Say that mom started reading your blog. How would you feel about that?
--J. Fallon's Ten Person Audience, New York, NY.
A: There's only two ways to approach it. One, change everything I've been doing for the last three years to appease one person and possibly alienate all the others. Or, I could just write the way I've always written and take the consequences as they come. I mean, seriously, I've written this thing for three years. This is just for fun. Nobody should actually listen to the information in this blog anyway. Unless they want to score or get drunk. Then they should.

Q: Who is the most overrated actress and actor currently working in Hollywood?
--S. Wonder's Lack of Vision, San Antonio, TX.
A: OK. The most overrated actor in Hollywood at the moment is Vince Vaughn. Listen, I loved the guy in Wedding Crashers and Old School, even Swingers back in the day. But as a certified movie snob, Couples Retreat, Fred Claus, Four Christmases, and The Break-Up are all certifiably sell-out rom-com trash that he's done to score a quick pay check. I mean, they've gone 11%, 21%, 25%, and 33% on Rotten Tomatoes. That means if someone went on a double date to see Fred Claus with another couple, only 80% of one person would like the movie. As for most overrated actress, how bout Hilary Swank? All she does is Oscar bait boring movies, and she kinda is ugly. Whatever. I just don't see the love for her.

Q: What is the best thing to ever happen on Halloween ever?
--L. Gaga's Questionable Gender, Los Angeles, CA.
A: This:


Q: DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME SIR?
--J. Buck's Lack of Excitement, St. Louis, MO.
A: One of the best compliments I've ever got was that I have none. Life calls for no shame. All shame is is a lack of confidence. Embrassment only gets in the way of the best things. Whether it's your alcohol intake, getting rejected by girls, or just making a fool of yourself, you just have to shake it off and live in the moment. You'll probably never meet the girls the reject you, the people you sing karaoke in front of, or the bartender that is trying to cut you off ever again. So just do itttt.

Q: Where is the coolest place you could possibly get drunk?
--K. Orton's Empty Bottle, Denver, CO.
A: THe motherfucking MOON. Pour some beer in your space helmet, put a straw in your mouth and just bounce around while getting slosheddddddddd. BAM! Bet you thought I was gonna say Dublin or something.

Q: Some people say you're blog personality is just "Tucker Max Light" or "Diet Tucker Max." What do you have to say to these critics who compare you to that misogynistic douchebag?
G. Clooney's Dashing Good Looks, Hollywood, CA.
A: First of all, there is nothing "Diet" about me. I'm one big sugar rush, with tons of carbs. And also, I'm not "light." I'm very filling. I'm more like "Extra Stout." Besides that, I dislike being compared to Tucker. Mainly because he's an asshole that writes about getting drunk and taking advantage of women. Sure I get drunk. But I don't take advantage of women (unless, of course, they offer to pay for dinner). And also, I'm a much better writer than him. So fuck him. We're both good at making up stories, but at least mine are funny and clever. His are so obviously exaggerated. For example, I could make a story about going to the supermarket funny. He would just be like "and oh the cashier saw my Magnum's and I banged her in my backseat." Not only is that not funny, it's lazy. No clever adjectives, no distinct prose. Sign of a indistinctive, inexperienced, cocky ass Duke douche.

Q: What do you think about Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin hosting the Oscars? Or do you think of it?
--R. Downey Jr.'s Overall Awesomeness, Vancouver, Canada.
A: I don't really think of it, to be honest. I love Alec Baldwin and am indifferent on Steve Martin. It really doesn't matter who's hosting. Hell, you could get Larry David or Steve Carrel to host and it would still just be one big smugfest. It's a night designed to say "Look at me, Look at me! I acted well! Let's all brag about it through fancy dresses and lame ass acceptance speeches while 300 eighty year olds vote on which one of us deserves to win even though they need binoculars to even see the screen."

Q: What would be funnier: making some guy drunkenly hop around on one leg or making some guy drunkenly waddle around with his ankles tied together?
--My Guest Blogger's Sense of Laziness, Chicago, IL.
A: Hahahahahahaha. I love this. I would rather see a drunk guy waddle around like a penguin. It would take him so much longer to do everything. I mean, I've had to hop around all night on one leg. It's not that funny to watch. Well. It probably is. But screw you.

Q: SETLLE IT: What's the funniest show on television at the moment?
--S. Michelle Gellar's Invisibility, Tacoma, WA
A: It really is a tough question. Between Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, It's Always Sunny..., and 30 Rock, I would have to say (at the moment) that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia may be the most consistently funny thing on TV right now. I've lost a lot of interest in 30 Rock this year, same kind of with Curb. The Office is often hit or miss for me. Quickly rising up the ranks is Parks and Recreation. It was awful when it first came on but it's inching towards getting funnier than The Office for me. Just a poor Irish man's opinion on comedy. And I mean....I know comedy. I'm funnier than you. (Ed.'s Conscience: I'm sorry again. I don't know what's gotten into him today. This is just as rude as it gets.)

Q: What are the 10 Best Occasions to Drink and the 10 Worst Occasions to Drink?
--B. Barker's Neutered Pets, Albany, NY.
A: The 10 Best Drinking Occasions (in no order): Weddings, Funerals, Break-Ups, Birthdays, Jewish Rites of Passage, Bachelor(ette) Parties, Tailgating, Holidays, Made Up Holidays, and Fridays.
The 10 Worst Drinking Occasions (in no order): Interventions, After-Liver Transplant Party, Your Parents' Will Readings, Your Drivers Test, DUI Trial, Alcohol-Related Death Funeral, Birth of Your Child, Church/Temple, 8 AM on Monday, and unless, you're a wine/beer taster, Work.

Q: All you are is fun and games. Don't you look out for any causes or people besides your humorous puns or brilliant wordplay?
--M. Singh's Indian Zen, Bombay, India
A: Screw you, I'm like the Dali Lama. I even met the dude once. He's a real enlightened cat. But in all seriousness, which doesn't happen here often, I support, and occasionally donate to, two organizations for leukemia research. They are Light The Night and Dear Jack Foundation. Support them if you can, any way you can.

Q: Say you're at a bar. (Ed.'s Note: Why Just "Say"?) A girl buys you a drink but she says "Make it something cheap." What does this mean for your chances of getting to stuff the proverbial turkey?
--C. Columbus' Disgusting Pilgrim Humor, Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts
A: Hmmm. In my expert opinion (Ed.'s Note: There's nothing expert about his opinion.), I think that this probably means she's looking for a one night stand type deal. I mean, she clearly still wants to get you a little loose and is buying you drinks, but she doesn't want to spend a whole lot on you. Either you're already in the friend zone or she wants a quickie and you out of there by morning.

Q: What kinds of alcoholics are there? I need to distinguish what kind I fit into before I get drunk and ruin the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
--M. Dolan's Awesome Facial Hair, Arlington Heights, IL
A: There are wino's (wine drinkers), functional alcoholics (still able to pass in society, even with alcoholism), deadbeats (all they do is drink), college students, and the Kyle Orton. The Kyle Orton is the alcoholic in a profession where it's irresponsible to be a drunk but they are so loveable, nobody cares.

Q: What is the best way of going about getting someone a "holiday" (Ed.'s Note: We, or just I, Support All December Holidays, No Matter the Faith!) gift when you don't have a whole lot of money? Also, what is the protocol for drinking at your family's or someone else's family's holiday party?
--L. Odom's Bad Decision Making, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Be creative. I know not everyone is as creative as I am when it comes to everything, but maybe Private Message me personally. As for drinking at family parties, it's all who you're with. If it's your family and they are all drinking, then by all means, get all nogged up. But if you're at someone else's, you need to scope your surroundings. Is this your girlfriends family? If it's somewhere you should be making a good impression, logic would say to not drink too much. But where did logic get anyone? (Ed.'s Note: It got him a D+.) (Writer's Note: My editor is an asshole.) Just be yourself. If it leads to an overabundance of Hannukah Punch then so be it.

Q: Buzzed Driving is Drunk Driving! How dare you encourage alcoholism and debauchery to your persuadable audience! What is your problem young sir?
--P. Diddy's Raspberry Vodka, Reno, NV.
A: Well, clearly I give you a hint: my blog is about the positive effects of alcohol. Your arguments are about the negative. I mean, I'm not gonna get any views on this thing preaching to people in their early 20s about why they shouldn't drink. I don't live in Saudi Arabia.

Q: I need some good advice. You see, I've been dating this girl for a while, maybe 4-5 months. All things are great. You see, I was a theatre major, am big into musical theatre, and loveeeeee the arts. My girlfriend shares most of the same interests. Or so I thought. We went to this bar on a Sunday night, I needed a quick pick me up, so we stopped in to some local tavern. There was a football game on but I hate sports, so I really wasn't paying attention. My girlfriend, all of the sudden, starts yelling at the TV, getting really into the game and it was a big turn off. I had no idea she was into sports but apparently, she is a big fan. How do I address this problem? I really like her, but I don't know how her love of sports and my hatred of it can survive a relationship?
H. Jackman's Theatre Degree, El Paso, TX.
A: You're a jackass. Here's why: you're going to let one of her interests get in the way because you don't share it? First off, she's hid it for the entire time you've been dating. Meaning she knew you hated it and hid it so you wouldn't be turned off. Which means she really likes you. And part of being in any successful relationship is compromising. Doing stuff you might not like that the other enjoys shows that you actually care about the other person. It's not like she's asking you to sit in on her Fantasy Football draft. I mean, I'm obsessed with Fantasy Football, I just don't bring it out or start conversations about it. I casually check it on my iPhone and smile as I dominate some other noob. I really like sports or going to the theatre or writing or seeing indie movies or watching crappy TV. Whatever buddy. You're lucky that this girl likes you. And guess what? If you liked her before you found this out, you still do. She's cheering for the Bears, not a Nazi rally.


Whew. That was quite the exhaustive mailbag. But you loved it, obv. As for me, I don't know if I'll ever get my guest blogger to complete his work. He's a lazy jerk. Whatever. You're probably just better off reading the words that are flying off my keyboard anyway. Until next time, I'll see you all shortly. Or not, who knowsssssssss???????????!!!!!!!