More like revenge of the....eh, I got nothing. Yes, yes, since Transformers 2 has come out on DVD I've decided to resurrect this pitiful segment for a limited time. You know the drill: I eat junk food, get sloshed, and watch Michael Bay movies, not necessarily in that order. It's all-around torture (who I am I kidding? I love it). But onward with the tomfoolery! I am proud to say that I have not seen this yet and only sort of paid for it because I got it via Netflix. Also, I'm expecting this to be than Waterworld on Land. Let's shake out booties out on the dock and get groovin' here.
00:00:00: Today, I will be drinking Jack & Coke throughout the film. I miss Jack & Coke. We used to be such a great threesome. In fact, the only threesome I ever had was with Jack & Coke. And by that I mean I had a threesome with Jack and Coke, not two girls because of Jack & Coke. Ugh...it's so much harder to write an immoral blog with judges of character now reading. Juuuuuuuuuuuust kiddinggggggggg.......
00:01:00: You people that like this crap realize it's about toys right? Also, there are Mayans. This has alot to do with stuff I bet.
00:02:01: Oh, so the Mayans discovered the transformers first? Cliche alert: 1.
00:03:31: Nothing says awesome movie like a robot narrator. Reminds of those speech filters on the really old Mac comps.
00:04:56: Tyrese and that guy who played Tad Hamilton are pretty attractive males. And usually I'd wait until an hour and three drinks in to say that.
00:06:14: OK, the problem I have so far with this movie is that it's really stinky. What, you were expecting something profound?
00:06:41: Are those robots voiced by Chris Tucker and his gay brother Christoph Tucker?
00:08:16: Robots are fighting. How much it matters is up to you.
00:09:33: Shia's mom cries as he's about to leave for college. I remember when I left for college. My parents just told me "please don't fuck this up." Direct quote.
00:10:31: Dogs humping. So far, that's the most interesting thing that's happened so far.
00:11:31: Megan Fox sighting. Why is she talking? Shut up.
00:12:49: Everything in Shia's kitchen is turning into deadly robots. I think. I'm just judging by the music.
00:14:21: There's a war in Shia's front lawn! Reminds me of my 21st birthday.
00:16:19: Megan Fox is undressing. AND not talking. MMMMHMMM.
00:18:03: How could you be in a Long Distance Relationship with Megan Fox and not think she's gonna bang half the block by the time you're 40 miles away?
00:19:01: Just to let you know: There is NO plot yet. Still waiting. Oh wait, there's two black robots apparently and one's an ice cream truck. I'll have a butta pecan, yo!
00:21:28: Cheesy religious reference by Tyrese. Cliche Alert: 192.
00:22:59: "You're paid to shoot, not talk." Michael Bay: He Can Even Offend the Troops!
00:23:53: When you need a character to give a speech explaining what the plot of the movie is, your movie SUCKS BALLS.
00:25:00: The dialogue...ugh. Who wrote this, Bobo the Performing Monkey?
00:25:36: Popular Rock Song. Cliche Alert: 244.
00:26:29: therealeffingdeal.com. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, cause it's mentally disabled.
00:27:11: Pause. Drink NUMERO DOS, POR FAVOR!
00:27:46: Shia's roomie is obsessed with the media's cover up of the robots. Of course.
00:29:33: Shia's mom is high off hash brownies. OK. That's actually pretty funny. I wish my mom would do that.
00:31:12: Robot puking something down a pipe. Oh it's a bunch of little robots. How sweet.
00:32:22: Sorry, I'm not really paying attention. BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED!
00:33:07: College party with girls that are so hot they wouldn't even need to go to college. Cliche Alert: 333.
00:34:25: I bet this girls evil. Also hot. Lapdance. Megan Fox is waiting by a computer for Shia. I hate Shia.
00:35:01: "I was going to get you a tighter shirt." "There is no tigher shirt. We checked." Stuff you'll hear at a frat party, take one.
00;37:15: Either Shia's car spooged all over some girl, or my middle name isn't Francis. (Hint: it might be)
00:38:16: Plot update: none.
00:40:10: Normally there'd be more witty comments, but there is literally nothing happening.
00:41:01: Evil robot rises from the ashes of the deep blue see and quickly lands on another planet. LOVEEEEEEEE IT!
00:42:44: i wonder if these robots can go on Facebook like, in their heads. That'd be pretty badass. Also, I'm thinking of starting Colts Defense over Patriots Defense in fantasy football. Your thoughts?
00:43:44: DWIGHT FROM THE OFFICE AS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR! He just told a girl to finish his apple. And keeps flirting with the hot girls in the front row. "There are no questions til the climax." No truer words....
00:45:20: Shia just had a seizure. I know cause I read up on them when I started dated an epileptic.
00:46:13: Megan Fox is about to get invaded. And god, even the humor in this is more forced than a huge black penis into a teenager in amateur porn. ugh. too much visiual.
00:47:38: Some mini-robots stepping in mouse traps. WHAT A KLUTZ LOLZZZZZZZZZZ!
00:48:55: There is a Bad Boys 2 poster in Shia's dorm. (Another Michael Bay Movie) I think I just might punch my fireplace.
00:50:11: Shia just wrote hieroglyphics all over his dorm and the evil blonde that his car spooged on is coming on to him hard. Megan Fox is coming in. Broken up. OH THE BLONDE'S A ROBOT! Happens to the best of 'em Shia.
00:52:11: OK, if I HAD to get killed, it would be by a hot alien robot. Ugh I'm already too drunk to write. This could be fuN!
00:53:43: Trapped in the library! It's like Columbine with technology!
00:54:46: Megan Fox acting < Megan Fox sitting doing nothing.
00:55:55: OK. What just happened, nobody would ever survive. NO SCRATCHES! WHERE ARE WE, NARNIA?!!?!? FCK ME.
00:56:44: Shia's taken prisoner by some evil robot thing. He can cross that off his sex fantasy list.
00:58:19: I mean Shia's talking about relationships with the evil robot and I mean, that's a major turn off after just meeting someone. Right, ladies?
01:00:01: If robots fight in the forest, do people pay $9.50 to see it? Apparently the answer is: you're retarded if you did.
01:01:19: Robot dialogue > Human dialogue
01:03:04: Robots fighting with depressing sad music. Listen: this is the sound of me not caring.
01:04:49: God, Shia's mom is such a unhot mess.
01:06:13: Tanker just got destroyed. How is there an hour an twenty minutes left? Fuck me running.
01:07:08: Watching this in Blu-Ray makes me want to destroy my Blu-Ray player.
01:08:55: News reports about what just happened. You know, this movie could've been 3 minutes shorter without this.
01:10:00: Racist robots are back. I mean, they aren't even really trying to be racially alright. They are just straight up stereotypes. Might as well be carrying some KFC and Watermelon.
01:12:09: YOU DIDN'T JUST DO TYRESE LIKE THAT!
01:13:25: FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER. See, I can do it too, Michael Bay.
01:14:29: If I were a racist robot, I'd totally be sippin' on Hen and Patron.
01:15:48: John Turtorro owns a Jewish delicasttesian. I wish someone would take me to a Jewish deli....just saying.
01:16:43: DUDE'S GOT BAGEL'S TO SCHMEAR!
01:17:22: Secret hideout underneath the Jewish deli. Anti-Jewish conspiracy theorist ammuniation, take four.
01:18:44: Their using words and phrases I'm supposed to know but don't. Hey, I could lie and say I know what I'm doing but then I'd be Michael Bay.
01:20:28: No, that dude's ass does not look better in Blu-Ray.
01:21:32: That guy just tasered someone without his pants on. Is that a worse crime than doing it WITH your pants on?
01:22:40: Megan Fox running to dramatic music. I wonder if that happens like, in her real life.
01:24:00: That can't be a old British transformer. S-T-E-R-E-O-T-Y-P-E. LAZY ASS MOVIE FUCKERS.
01:25:49: Did that robot really just fart or am I THAT drunk?
01:27:19: Megan Fox just landed on that guys testicles. Am I joking? Clearly, I'm not.
01:29:10: I hate this movie so much, I almost want to cry, die, or throw up. ROBO FLASHBACK! You know that show Bored to Death? I feel like they were thinking of titles for it while watching this.
01:32:40: Megan Fox in a birka. Racism, keep it coming!
01:33:49: Where are these guys, Islam?
01:34:49: OK, has Michael Bay ever seen another race besides white? Hahaha this guys really short. If he were a girl, that would turn me on.
01:36:38: Bangage = imminent. And Megan Fox is involved. I know, I almost put it on pause too.
01:38:02: Their looking at Orion's belt. Someone exploring some un-hetero feelings, Shia?
01:39:22: Tyrese, Tad Hamilton, and some nervous White Guy are about to jump off a plane. i'm in a rap video, apparently.
01:41:44: They're in some Egyptian temple and still they try and make the prettiest thing Megan Fox. WHAT ABOUT THE RACIST ROBOTS? I LOVE 'EM!
01:43:14: Robo-graveyard. About as lame as some of the puns I use.
01:44:02: OK PAUSE I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEE.
01:44:33: OK, BACK! My brother Bobby is going to his girlfriends house. Thought you'd want to know.
01:45:44: Soliders, robots, goats, and more racism.
01:46:50: Tech guy looks nervous. What a pussy. Whoa they just tasered him unconcious. DON'T TASE HIM BRO!
01:48:36: Tyrese just doesn't like the desert. BUT YOU'RE FROM THERE!
01:49:55: Our army is so smart in this movie. Makes you wonder why you don't name all our missions "OPERATION TRANSFORMERS TWO"
01:51:30: I think I just heard the robots talking about The Matrix. I mean, why bring Keanu into this? Seems a bit unfair, even for Keanu.
01:53:00: No, Tech guy, being in the middle of "The Gunfight at OK Corral" is generally not a good thing. DID YOU EVER GO TO HISTORY CLASS TECH BOY?
01:54:40: You'd think after being next to Shia for almost 4 hours in both movies, Megan wouldn't be afraid of the robots anymore. Especially since she hangs around SHIA. BABABABABABABABABBA-BOOM!
01:56:54: I think that monster from Return of the Jedi has returned in robot form to try and kill Shia. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, RACIST ROBOTS!
01:58:33: Where am I? Is this movie still real? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
01:59:49: How the hell did Shia's parents get there? I've missed so much. AND THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE MATRIX! WHERE"S KEANUE AND LAURENCE FISHBURNE THEN? NOWHERE!
02:02:02: Bumbleebee is the lamest name for something that's trying to be cool ever. I mean, maybe except Michael Francis.
02:03:45: I'll remember what you did John Turturo. Barton Fink, Rounders, The Big Lebowski. GOOD SHIT BESIDES THIS!
02:05:11: Stop destroying the Giza Pyramids! Don't you know that that's a UNESCO HERITAGE SITE?
02:07:16: This is the lamest robot fighting I've seen since WALL-E tried to get past that fat guy.
02:08:05: Say what you will about who she is as a person or actress, Megan Fox running is slo-mo with a halter top on? Rarely do things get better. Unless it's my girlfriend doing it, of course. (BOYFRIEND FILTER ACTIVATED)
02:09:34: Old British robot's back. Ugh. I hate British stuff. Except soccer. And beer.
02:11:02: Is staying on someone's ass a good thing, Tyrese?
02:12:10: More Megan Fox slo-mo = more winning. OH AND IT KEEPS ON GOING! LOLZ WOW!
02:13:48: WILL SHIA LIVE?!!!!!!!!!??!?!??!?
02:14:36: OK this is too fucked up. Is Shia in robo-heaven? This is beyond retarded. BUT SHIA LIVES PRAISE ALLAH.
02:15:52: You know that scene with the adrenline shot to the heart in Pulp Fiction? Well Shia just did that to a robot. Excuse me while I lose faith in humanity.
02:17:07: The bad bots are about to do something terrible. I care like not.
02:18:59: Stupid Robo fighting. I don't care who wins, unless WALL-E is fighting.
02:20:24: Good robots win. WHO PREDICTED THAT? GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING GOLD STAR.
02:21:44: Shia and Megan make out behind the sunset and honestly, it is kind of a romantic scene. Too bad it's a robot movie.
02:22:22: The movie ends with more robo narrarating ane me succumbing to retardation poisoning.
02:22:44: DWIGHT MAKES HIS RETURN IN THE CREDITS! AND WE'LL END ON THAT NOTE!
Well, Jesus H. Christ. Even for a Michael Bay movie, that was hideous. I think that was worse than Pearl Harbor. Definitely one of the worst movies of the decade. AND I'VE SEEN MEET THE SPARTANS! Anyways, I actually am thinking of keeping this segment going. Maybe I'll start doing it with the crappy ass American Pie sequels that come out straight to DVD every year. We'll see. But until next time, maybe it you that should be bidding me adieu. After all, I'm the one doing all the work here. ADIOS!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Yes, It's a Random Mailbag but Maybe You Should Just Deal With It, Like WHOA!, and All that Jazz: The Random Holiday Mailbag
Why hello there! Since my guest blogger is taking longer than a lunar leapyear to get his blog post in, I'm gonna give you something new. I call it a SURPRISE MAILBAG! It's where I surprise you with an unexpected mailbag at an unexpected time, aka not the 1st of the month. We'll call it a SUPER SEXY SURPRISE HOLIDAY MAILBAG. Maybe the title needs work. But I'll tell you something: the questions and answers don't. Because they're perfect.
Q: I know you've been asked before, but what are you REALLY being for Halloween? And for that matter, I hear you're going to a dance. WITH A GIRL EVEN! What's that about?
--M. Forte's Declining Running Ability, Chicago, IL
A: I'm wearing a T-Shirt that reads as follows:
"Memo:
Ms. Cyrus, WEAR STILLETOS!
Love,
Hollywood"
Total win, right?
Q: If you had to be one other nationality, what would it be and why? I mean, don't say Irish. Stop being a stupid alcoholic and give me a straight answer.
--N. Patrick Harris' Unknown Homosexuality, New York, NY
A: After much deliberation, I'm thinking I'd be a Nigerian. How's that for a non-alcoholic answer?
Q: Don't you feel a little underdressed when you're listening to The White Tie Affair?
--L. Lohan's Sense of Self-Worth, Los Angeles, CA
A: I don't think I could've said it any better. I love this band but their name alone makes me feel like I'm a slob. Oh, just cause I'm wearing my Homer Simpson slippers, sweatpants and a paint-stained white t-shirt means I'm not classy? Please. White ties are for people who can pull off white ties. Not that I can't, but I'd probably just end up looking like 8 maids a milking. What?
Q: WHY CAN'T I FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER?!?!?!
--H. Duff's Sense of Youthful Wonder, San Jose, CA
A: You can. My twitter name is "mdole" but I mostly use it to follow cool celebs, bands, and get movie/TV news. Because I'm really cool, remember?
Q: If you could have one person lead your intervention who would it be?
--Bono's Need For Attention, Belfast, Northern Ireland
A: OK. Who's a natural born leader, convincing, dashing, and all-around attractive but not so much that it'd be distracting? That's right, I know exactly who you're thinking too. I think it would have to be Creed from The Office. I mean, just think of all the wisdom he could impart. He's seen, heard, and done everything. So him leading an intervention for me would make me feel alot better about attempting to quit drinking if it ever got that bad.
(Side Note: I got an email today from substance-abuse-counsler.com telling me they've added my blog to their database. About time.)
Q: Ten Best Thing About Halloween....GO!
--A. McMahon's God-Like Demeanor, Everywhere, World
A: Well, I'll try and give this a go:
10. Trick or Treating
9. Taking your kids trick or treating.
8. Costume Parties
7. Seeing Creativity and Shame Reach No Bounds
6. Deciding What You're Going to Wear
5. Candy
4. Candy-Flavored Liquor
3. Girls drinking candy-flavored liquor
2. Girls' Costumes
1. It's an excuse to drink your pants off. (or go out without pants on at all)
Q: What is just the best idea you've ever had about anything? I'm talking anything....
S. Irwin's Stingray Friend Stabby, Melbourne, Australia
A: Going to Amsterdam without telling anyone is, was, and will always the best idea I've ever had. Even though I almost was robbed, arrested, and killed, I don't regret one single moment in the Promised Land. Because if something bad happens in Heaven, at least you're still waking up to angels. Copyright, Michael Francis, Inc.
Q: I remember a while back you answered a question completely in Jack's Mannequin lyrics. It was decently impressive I guess. Can you do the same with Britney Spears lyrics? I'm guessing no. But here's my question. If you had to pick one sexual position that could be the only one you could use for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
--K-Fed's Extremely Large Waistline, San Diego County Zoo, CA
A: There's things about me you just have to know: I'm not a girl, but now I'm stronger than yesterday. You're fakin' like a good one, but I'm addicted to you cause I know baby, I'm so into you. Baby, get it get it, get it get, what? They say she's so lucky as she says "I'm a Slave for being caught in between." Oops! I lose all my senses in between Peter, Paul, and Mary. If you seek Amy, I must confess, from the bottom of my broken heart, it's Britney bitch on shattered glass that I'm a slave for.
(WHOA!)
Q: I heard you're pretty good at Fantasy Football. What are some other fantasy things you're good at?
--D. Jackson's Incredibly Fast Legs, Philadelphia, PA
A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. Tough in that I want to answer it but might be judged too harshly. Whatever. I'm DYNAMITE at Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Soccer. Also, I'm not bad at fantasy roleplay but I was just never born to be an actor. I bet I'd be better at writing fantasy roleplay. Not that I'm bad at it. Shit, stop talking Mike. You do realize you can go back and erase stuff you're saying to yourself, right Mike? Why are you still typing? YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON ON YOUR BLOG SHUT IT.
Q: Give me some weed talk. You never talk about weed. Didn't you use to be a huge stoner? What made you quit? Weed. WEED. WEED WEED WEED.
--A. Kutcher's Twitter Following, Hartford, CN.
A: This question has probably been a long time. Here's the deal. I've probably smoked more weed than you. Does that make me cooler than you? Absolutely not. I quit because weed makes me lazy and boring. And I like being active and exciting. I'll still do it now and then, but my stoner days are long gone. FOR NOW!
Q: What are some of the best movies to watch hungover? I'm always hungover on the weekends and just lay around. I need some suggestions like Christian Bale needs a Xanax.
--M. Fox's Match.com Account, Boise, ID
A: Movies that aren't great but a) light and enjoyable and b) require little thought, are the best hangover movies. Some good ones are Major League, Top Gun, Ghostbusters, Joe Dirt, The Transporter, High Fidelity, and (my personal cure for all hangovers, sadness, and the unfunnies) Shaun of the Dead.
Q: What are your thoughts on Adderall usage? Is it really helping our kids study or is it a dangerous problem that our schools need to deal with?
--National Association of Short People, Providence, Rhode Island
A: I love adderall usage. I think it brings out a really different side of a person that you wouldn't see normally. And you don't even have to get them drunk. It's also very useful to use for studying and partying, because sometimes you can't sleep during either activity. As for it's detractors, I say this: yeah, you're probably right. It's probably terrible for you. But think of it this way: so is an F, sleeping alone, and being tired all day. Dolan shoots. He scores.
Q: I'm a virgin new to the game. I just got my first girlfriend! I need 7 sex tips for beginners so that I don't embarrass myself with my more experienced lady.
--Carrie Bradshaw's Biggest Fans, New York, NY
A: WHOA! Talk about a question that is going to make people think I'm misogynistic to a high degree! Love it! Here are seven tips for virgin or just inexperienced sex that I've picked up on my many travels.
1. If you pay for it, they'll almost never laugh at you.
2. Being drunk might make it a little better, but you're still awful. Just do it sober and enjoy the feeling while it lasts.
3. No matter who it is, the girl is going to tell her friends about how bad you were. The novelty (or "cuteness") of sleeping with a virgin, for a girl at least, only lasts until she realizes how bad you are. Just tell her you're a virgin.
4. Wear a condom. If you don't, it'll last for about 20 seconds.
5. No dirty talk. You suck.
6. Make sure it's in the right hole. That'd be embarrassing.
7. Enjoy! It's sex and you're doing it!
Q: Yankees/Phillies World Series. How much do you not care? Answer in analogies please!
--Padres Fans' Sense of Self-Worth, San Diego, CA
A: The following analogies are all presented by how much I care about the World Series. (Imagine them all starting with "I care about the World Series this year as much as...")
...the Bears care about tackling.
...Florida hockey fans actually care about hockey.
...Jon and Kate actually care for their kids instead of money.
...red-green colorblind people care about the movie "The Color of Money"
...most Americans care about soccer.
...that two-month old cares where his milk comes from.
...Bobby Dolan cares.
Q: I need your help might badly. You see, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I'm dressing up as the St. Pauli Girl mascot and my boyfriend is going as a fat German guy. (Not much costume needed, lol!) Anyways, after we do some roleplay with some schnitzel, sauerkraut, and Munster cheese, we are heading out to a party. My boyfriend, however, wants to bring another "bratwurst" into the bedroom so to speak. Originally it was my idea, but he brought it up as sort of a "present" to me. Now, normally this would be this fraeulin's dream come true but I'm worried that he's a little too excited about it. How do I figure out if he's doing this for me or exploring some of his other "feelings"?
--Pam Beasely's Lesser Known Sister, Scranton, PA
A: I'm glad you came to me Pam because I have no experience in this matter. As for your costume, not bad. That's pretty creative. Sounds like your boyfriend is a class act. As for how to find out his real feelings on the topic, I'll tell you. You see, there's a large double standard when it comes to how "gay" it makes someone for participating in one. As for women, it's sexy to have the 2 women, 1 guy threesome. As for men, it's awkward to have the 2 guy, 1 girl threesome. Is it unfair? Maybe. But here's why it's consider much, much more "iffy" for a guy to have a 2 guy, 1 girl threesome: girls are attractive. Their bodies are beautiful works of art, carefully sculpted. There's barely any hair and more possibilites for attractive features. Guys? We're gross. We're hairy all over. And let's be honest: those things hanging off us are about as good looking as a gypsy garage sale. So when a girl participates in a threesome with another girl, it's more acceptable because it's easier to appreciate the attractiveness of a woman than it is for a man to appreciate how good another man looks. Girls are more attractive than guys in every sense of the word. So it's much EASIER for women to appreciate each other.
As for your answer freulien, he's at least bi-curious. Sorry. Might want to cook some extra bratwurst for the rest of the weekend.
Well that's it for the surprise mailbag! Did you enjoy? ME TOO! Anyways, I hope you've had a good start to the week and enjoy the rest of this week. My guest blogger WILL have his post up in a few days. Or he will die. Go in peace, brothers and sisters, and remember to always give it your all. Especially when it's telling other people about my blog.
Night!
Q: I know you've been asked before, but what are you REALLY being for Halloween? And for that matter, I hear you're going to a dance. WITH A GIRL EVEN! What's that about?
--M. Forte's Declining Running Ability, Chicago, IL
A: I'm wearing a T-Shirt that reads as follows:
"Memo:
Ms. Cyrus, WEAR STILLETOS!
Love,
Hollywood"
Total win, right?
Q: If you had to be one other nationality, what would it be and why? I mean, don't say Irish. Stop being a stupid alcoholic and give me a straight answer.
--N. Patrick Harris' Unknown Homosexuality, New York, NY
A: After much deliberation, I'm thinking I'd be a Nigerian. How's that for a non-alcoholic answer?
Q: Don't you feel a little underdressed when you're listening to The White Tie Affair?
--L. Lohan's Sense of Self-Worth, Los Angeles, CA
A: I don't think I could've said it any better. I love this band but their name alone makes me feel like I'm a slob. Oh, just cause I'm wearing my Homer Simpson slippers, sweatpants and a paint-stained white t-shirt means I'm not classy? Please. White ties are for people who can pull off white ties. Not that I can't, but I'd probably just end up looking like 8 maids a milking. What?
Q: WHY CAN'T I FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER?!?!?!
--H. Duff's Sense of Youthful Wonder, San Jose, CA
A: You can. My twitter name is "mdole" but I mostly use it to follow cool celebs, bands, and get movie/TV news. Because I'm really cool, remember?
Q: If you could have one person lead your intervention who would it be?
--Bono's Need For Attention, Belfast, Northern Ireland
A: OK. Who's a natural born leader, convincing, dashing, and all-around attractive but not so much that it'd be distracting? That's right, I know exactly who you're thinking too. I think it would have to be Creed from The Office. I mean, just think of all the wisdom he could impart. He's seen, heard, and done everything. So him leading an intervention for me would make me feel alot better about attempting to quit drinking if it ever got that bad.
(Side Note: I got an email today from substance-abuse-counsler.com telling me they've added my blog to their database. About time.)
Q: Ten Best Thing About Halloween....GO!
--A. McMahon's God-Like Demeanor, Everywhere, World
A: Well, I'll try and give this a go:
10. Trick or Treating
9. Taking your kids trick or treating.
8. Costume Parties
7. Seeing Creativity and Shame Reach No Bounds
6. Deciding What You're Going to Wear
5. Candy
4. Candy-Flavored Liquor
3. Girls drinking candy-flavored liquor
2. Girls' Costumes
1. It's an excuse to drink your pants off. (or go out without pants on at all)
Q: What is just the best idea you've ever had about anything? I'm talking anything....
S. Irwin's Stingray Friend Stabby, Melbourne, Australia
A: Going to Amsterdam without telling anyone is, was, and will always the best idea I've ever had. Even though I almost was robbed, arrested, and killed, I don't regret one single moment in the Promised Land. Because if something bad happens in Heaven, at least you're still waking up to angels. Copyright, Michael Francis, Inc.
Q: I remember a while back you answered a question completely in Jack's Mannequin lyrics. It was decently impressive I guess. Can you do the same with Britney Spears lyrics? I'm guessing no. But here's my question. If you had to pick one sexual position that could be the only one you could use for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
--K-Fed's Extremely Large Waistline, San Diego County Zoo, CA
A: There's things about me you just have to know: I'm not a girl, but now I'm stronger than yesterday. You're fakin' like a good one, but I'm addicted to you cause I know baby, I'm so into you. Baby, get it get it, get it get, what? They say she's so lucky as she says "I'm a Slave for being caught in between." Oops! I lose all my senses in between Peter, Paul, and Mary. If you seek Amy, I must confess, from the bottom of my broken heart, it's Britney bitch on shattered glass that I'm a slave for.
(WHOA!)
Q: I heard you're pretty good at Fantasy Football. What are some other fantasy things you're good at?
--D. Jackson's Incredibly Fast Legs, Philadelphia, PA
A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. Tough in that I want to answer it but might be judged too harshly. Whatever. I'm DYNAMITE at Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Soccer. Also, I'm not bad at fantasy roleplay but I was just never born to be an actor. I bet I'd be better at writing fantasy roleplay. Not that I'm bad at it. Shit, stop talking Mike. You do realize you can go back and erase stuff you're saying to yourself, right Mike? Why are you still typing? YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON ON YOUR BLOG SHUT IT.
Q: Give me some weed talk. You never talk about weed. Didn't you use to be a huge stoner? What made you quit? Weed. WEED. WEED WEED WEED.
--A. Kutcher's Twitter Following, Hartford, CN.
A: This question has probably been a long time. Here's the deal. I've probably smoked more weed than you. Does that make me cooler than you? Absolutely not. I quit because weed makes me lazy and boring. And I like being active and exciting. I'll still do it now and then, but my stoner days are long gone. FOR NOW!
Q: What are some of the best movies to watch hungover? I'm always hungover on the weekends and just lay around. I need some suggestions like Christian Bale needs a Xanax.
--M. Fox's Match.com Account, Boise, ID
A: Movies that aren't great but a) light and enjoyable and b) require little thought, are the best hangover movies. Some good ones are Major League, Top Gun, Ghostbusters, Joe Dirt, The Transporter, High Fidelity, and (my personal cure for all hangovers, sadness, and the unfunnies) Shaun of the Dead.
Q: What are your thoughts on Adderall usage? Is it really helping our kids study or is it a dangerous problem that our schools need to deal with?
--National Association of Short People, Providence, Rhode Island
A: I love adderall usage. I think it brings out a really different side of a person that you wouldn't see normally. And you don't even have to get them drunk. It's also very useful to use for studying and partying, because sometimes you can't sleep during either activity. As for it's detractors, I say this: yeah, you're probably right. It's probably terrible for you. But think of it this way: so is an F, sleeping alone, and being tired all day. Dolan shoots. He scores.
Q: I'm a virgin new to the game. I just got my first girlfriend! I need 7 sex tips for beginners so that I don't embarrass myself with my more experienced lady.
--Carrie Bradshaw's Biggest Fans, New York, NY
A: WHOA! Talk about a question that is going to make people think I'm misogynistic to a high degree! Love it! Here are seven tips for virgin or just inexperienced sex that I've picked up on my many travels.
1. If you pay for it, they'll almost never laugh at you.
2. Being drunk might make it a little better, but you're still awful. Just do it sober and enjoy the feeling while it lasts.
3. No matter who it is, the girl is going to tell her friends about how bad you were. The novelty (or "cuteness") of sleeping with a virgin, for a girl at least, only lasts until she realizes how bad you are. Just tell her you're a virgin.
4. Wear a condom. If you don't, it'll last for about 20 seconds.
5. No dirty talk. You suck.
6. Make sure it's in the right hole. That'd be embarrassing.
7. Enjoy! It's sex and you're doing it!
Q: Yankees/Phillies World Series. How much do you not care? Answer in analogies please!
--Padres Fans' Sense of Self-Worth, San Diego, CA
A: The following analogies are all presented by how much I care about the World Series. (Imagine them all starting with "I care about the World Series this year as much as...")
...the Bears care about tackling.
...Florida hockey fans actually care about hockey.
...Jon and Kate actually care for their kids instead of money.
...red-green colorblind people care about the movie "The Color of Money"
...most Americans care about soccer.
...that two-month old cares where his milk comes from.
...Bobby Dolan cares.
Q: I need your help might badly. You see, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I'm dressing up as the St. Pauli Girl mascot and my boyfriend is going as a fat German guy. (Not much costume needed, lol!) Anyways, after we do some roleplay with some schnitzel, sauerkraut, and Munster cheese, we are heading out to a party. My boyfriend, however, wants to bring another "bratwurst" into the bedroom so to speak. Originally it was my idea, but he brought it up as sort of a "present" to me. Now, normally this would be this fraeulin's dream come true but I'm worried that he's a little too excited about it. How do I figure out if he's doing this for me or exploring some of his other "feelings"?
--Pam Beasely's Lesser Known Sister, Scranton, PA
A: I'm glad you came to me Pam because I have no experience in this matter. As for your costume, not bad. That's pretty creative. Sounds like your boyfriend is a class act. As for how to find out his real feelings on the topic, I'll tell you. You see, there's a large double standard when it comes to how "gay" it makes someone for participating in one. As for women, it's sexy to have the 2 women, 1 guy threesome. As for men, it's awkward to have the 2 guy, 1 girl threesome. Is it unfair? Maybe. But here's why it's consider much, much more "iffy" for a guy to have a 2 guy, 1 girl threesome: girls are attractive. Their bodies are beautiful works of art, carefully sculpted. There's barely any hair and more possibilites for attractive features. Guys? We're gross. We're hairy all over. And let's be honest: those things hanging off us are about as good looking as a gypsy garage sale. So when a girl participates in a threesome with another girl, it's more acceptable because it's easier to appreciate the attractiveness of a woman than it is for a man to appreciate how good another man looks. Girls are more attractive than guys in every sense of the word. So it's much EASIER for women to appreciate each other.
As for your answer freulien, he's at least bi-curious. Sorry. Might want to cook some extra bratwurst for the rest of the weekend.
Well that's it for the surprise mailbag! Did you enjoy? ME TOO! Anyways, I hope you've had a good start to the week and enjoy the rest of this week. My guest blogger WILL have his post up in a few days. Or he will die. Go in peace, brothers and sisters, and remember to always give it your all. Especially when it's telling other people about my blog.
Night!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
H1N1 But Still #1
I hate it when people are sick. Especially my readers. Swine flu, allergies, SARS, whatever, I hate it. Presumably though, it gives them more time to read my blog. So I've put together something really quick to hopefully help those sicksters feel a little better. It'll be short on writing, heavy on videos, since I wrote something last night and my mind doesn't want to overloaded. So enjoy the videos, get better, and pop a few NyQuil. Here are THE LINKS, returning for a limited time.
If you haven't seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog with Neil Patrick Harris, it's might hilarious. It's a 45 minute musical and highly entertaining/worth checking out, especially if you've got nothing better to do.
Also, here's a hilarious video with Zach Galifianakis, aka that fat bearded guy from The Hangover, on his fake talk show. This one's with Michael Cera but I think there's about 5-6 of these if you go to funnyordie.com.
Here's a video that I may have posted before. It's "Playing for Change" or a collective of homeless people around the world playing a song to promote peace. I believe it's predominately in Africa. Here's their version of "One Love" by Bob Marley. There is also one with "Stand by Me" which could make a grown man cry.
If you liked (500) Days of Summer (and let's be honest...if you didn't, I'm not sure we're friends) here's a music video starring the two stars, Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, performing a song off the soundtrack from Zooey's band She & Him called "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"
I love this. It's called "Auto-Tune the News" and there's about 9 of them if you click on the video. It's exactly how it sounds...a mash-up of the news...auto-tuned.
i KNOW i've posted this before but it's still as awesome as ever. Here's my girl Julia Nunes, check out her ukulele videos...they rock me hard. Here's an original from her "Into the Sunshine"
I love this...because it's funny AND true. Here are the "Ed Hardy Boys"
And Finally. if ya'll ready to laugh your dicks off. Here is the hilarious Aziz Ansari as his Funny People character Raaaaaaaandy and his origins. It's hilarious and it's a three parter on funnyordie.com. Enjoy.
Well there it is. I hope, if nothing else, you enjoyed the videos and they brought a temporary smile to your face. Feel better, Emily. You're probably half my views, so yeah. Feel better and to all others, the blog will be back either tonight or tomorrow with Jeremy Kase's much anticipated guest column. It's sure to be a rabble rouser.
If you haven't seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog with Neil Patrick Harris, it's might hilarious. It's a 45 minute musical and highly entertaining/worth checking out, especially if you've got nothing better to do.
Also, here's a hilarious video with Zach Galifianakis, aka that fat bearded guy from The Hangover, on his fake talk show. This one's with Michael Cera but I think there's about 5-6 of these if you go to funnyordie.com.
Here's a video that I may have posted before. It's "Playing for Change" or a collective of homeless people around the world playing a song to promote peace. I believe it's predominately in Africa. Here's their version of "One Love" by Bob Marley. There is also one with "Stand by Me" which could make a grown man cry.
If you liked (500) Days of Summer (and let's be honest...if you didn't, I'm not sure we're friends) here's a music video starring the two stars, Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, performing a song off the soundtrack from Zooey's band She & Him called "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"
I love this. It's called "Auto-Tune the News" and there's about 9 of them if you click on the video. It's exactly how it sounds...a mash-up of the news...auto-tuned.
i KNOW i've posted this before but it's still as awesome as ever. Here's my girl Julia Nunes, check out her ukulele videos...they rock me hard. Here's an original from her "Into the Sunshine"
I love this...because it's funny AND true. Here are the "Ed Hardy Boys"
And Finally. if ya'll ready to laugh your dicks off. Here is the hilarious Aziz Ansari as his Funny People character Raaaaaaaandy and his origins. It's hilarious and it's a three parter on funnyordie.com. Enjoy.
Well there it is. I hope, if nothing else, you enjoyed the videos and they brought a temporary smile to your face. Feel better, Emily. You're probably half my views, so yeah. Feel better and to all others, the blog will be back either tonight or tomorrow with Jeremy Kase's much anticipated guest column. It's sure to be a rabble rouser.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Where Do You Belong?
Everybody belongs somewhere. Well, I take that back. Some people are big losers. But everyone else belongs somewhere. Throughout life we continually search for our place in the world. Where do we live? Where do we eat? Where do we have sex? Where do we eat while having sex? Such hard questions that take a lifetime (or a few drinks) to figure out. But when it comes to where to drink, people need to fit in just like they do in their cozy suburb. Some people need help figuring it out. Here's where their help comes from. How To Tell Where You Should Be Drinking. Now let's make like Annie Lennox and walk on some broken glass. That made sense, trust me.
Sports Bar
Common Features: Lots of TV's, Lots of Men, Lots of Beer, Sports Decorations All Over, Fat People.
Do I Belong? You simply need to ask yourself the following questions: Do I Like Beer? Do I Like Sports? Am I Married? Do I Like Sports More than Women? Do I Like Sports More than My Family? Do I Like Buffalo Wings More than My Family? If you've answered yes to two of these questions or more, you belong at a sports bar. Obviously, it takes a special type of woman to belong at a sports star and there are only two questions to find out the answer: Are you a lesbian? and Are you Canadian? Answer yes to either, and you belong at a sports bar.
Pictured: Sports Bar's Attendees Look-A-Like
Dive Bar
Common Features: Pungent Smells, Low Lighting, Silence, Alcoholics, Cheap Prices
Do I Belong? Ask yourself these questions: Am I an Alcoholic? Are You Looking to Drink During the Day Without Anyone Finding Out? Do I Not Care About Personal Hygiene? Am I Going to Pay For My Beer in Quarters Because I Have No Bills? Did My Wife/Girlfriend or Husband/Boyfriend just leave me for the 24-year old Colombian Maid/Pool Boy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you belong at a dive bar. And that's really a downer. Because if you belong at a dive bar, you have lost all shame. You might as well walk outside on Tuesday morning in sweatpants and your spaghetti stained shirt.
Pictured: Mickey Mouse's Drunk Cousins He Doesn't Want You to Know About
Jazz Bar
Common Features: Jazz, Wine, Candlelight, Faux Romanticism, Clever Words to Make Me Seem Smart.
Do I Belong? Again, ask yourself the following: Are you happily Married/In a Relationship? Do you like jazz more than most music? Do you like wine better than the better liquors? Are you over 40? Are you pretentious, i.e. are you a hipster? Do you enjoy taking it easy over having fun? Are you the death of fun? Do you play jazz flute like little fairy boys? (note: this is a movie quote, not an insult) If you answered yes to two or more, you belong in a jazz bar. If you answered yes to all, congratulations, you are the oldest people to ever read my blog. You win an early bedtime and an AARP membership.
Pictured: Class
Dance Bar
Common Features: Dancing, Loud, Blaring Techno that Makes Your Hear Nearly Explode, $15 drinks, People More Attractive than Me or You Dancing Together While We Try to Figure Out If It's Even Worth Going Out On the Dance Floor and Asking Someone Way Out of Our League to Dance and Look Like Losers When They Reject Us.
Do I Belong? Pose in the Mirror and ask yourself these questions: Are you a high roller? Are you addicted to coke/ecstasy? Are you a good dancer with no personality? Are you a good looking human? Do you have enough money to pay for all those $20 shots? Really? Are You Sure You Aren't Lying? Do you enjoy headaches because of music and not hangovers? Have you ever just let loose to your all time fav jam, like, tots all night? Would you reject me if I asked to talk/dance/come within 20 feet of you? Is your name Eric Prydz? If you answered yes to two or three of these questions, then you belong in a dance bar. I'll see you there after they make me wait in line for two hours.
Pictured: Three Pussies
Gay Bar
Common Features: FlamBOYance, Style, Ironic Decor, Fun Music, Dance Parties, Guys Singing Britney.
Do I Belong? Grab a orange mocha frappuccino and answer these inquiries: Are You Gay or Bi-Sexual? Are you a straight girl thinking "I JUST WANT TO DANNNNNNNCE!"? Are you looking for a challenge? Do You Watch Project Runway? Do you spend longer than 15 minutes on your hair? No, but seriously, are you gay? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, you belong in a Gay Bar. Gay bar's are crazy. They're like dance bars without the attitude of all the douchebag Italians.
PIctured: Antarctica's Only Gay Bar
Topless Bar
Common Features: Boobs. Naked.
Do I Belong? Are you a male with very little chance of getting laid tonight? Are you married and shameless? Do you like seeing girls naked? Did your dad not love you enough? Do you hate yourself and project that onto women? Are you a Senator? Do you watch porn daily? Do you like crappy buffets? Do you have an hour to kill during the workday? Are you a black professional athlete? Are you just a creepy dude overall? Are you a girl that has been asked by her boyfriend to go that wants her boyfriend to owe her one so he'll finally take you to that posh new Asian Fusion restaurant on State St.? If you answered yes to two questions, or more, than you belong at a Topless Bar. Congratulations, you aren't getting laid tonight. Unless you pay extra.
Pictured: Winners
I would hope after reading this you now know where you belong. And if you don't think it fits you, then maybe you need to take a look at your life. Go test out my theories tonight, readers. It is Tuesday, after all. Enjoy and thank me later. Until next time, which will likely be my guest blogger Jeremy Kase's first post, I bid you adieu.
Sports Bar
Common Features: Lots of TV's, Lots of Men, Lots of Beer, Sports Decorations All Over, Fat People.
Do I Belong? You simply need to ask yourself the following questions: Do I Like Beer? Do I Like Sports? Am I Married? Do I Like Sports More than Women? Do I Like Sports More than My Family? Do I Like Buffalo Wings More than My Family? If you've answered yes to two of these questions or more, you belong at a sports bar. Obviously, it takes a special type of woman to belong at a sports star and there are only two questions to find out the answer: Are you a lesbian? and Are you Canadian? Answer yes to either, and you belong at a sports bar.
Pictured: Sports Bar's Attendees Look-A-LikeDive Bar
Common Features: Pungent Smells, Low Lighting, Silence, Alcoholics, Cheap Prices
Do I Belong? Ask yourself these questions: Am I an Alcoholic? Are You Looking to Drink During the Day Without Anyone Finding Out? Do I Not Care About Personal Hygiene? Am I Going to Pay For My Beer in Quarters Because I Have No Bills? Did My Wife/Girlfriend or Husband/Boyfriend just leave me for the 24-year old Colombian Maid/Pool Boy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you belong at a dive bar. And that's really a downer. Because if you belong at a dive bar, you have lost all shame. You might as well walk outside on Tuesday morning in sweatpants and your spaghetti stained shirt.
Pictured: Mickey Mouse's Drunk Cousins He Doesn't Want You to Know AboutJazz Bar
Common Features: Jazz, Wine, Candlelight, Faux Romanticism, Clever Words to Make Me Seem Smart.
Do I Belong? Again, ask yourself the following: Are you happily Married/In a Relationship? Do you like jazz more than most music? Do you like wine better than the better liquors? Are you over 40? Are you pretentious, i.e. are you a hipster? Do you enjoy taking it easy over having fun? Are you the death of fun? Do you play jazz flute like little fairy boys? (note: this is a movie quote, not an insult) If you answered yes to two or more, you belong in a jazz bar. If you answered yes to all, congratulations, you are the oldest people to ever read my blog. You win an early bedtime and an AARP membership.
Pictured: ClassDance Bar
Common Features: Dancing, Loud, Blaring Techno that Makes Your Hear Nearly Explode, $15 drinks, People More Attractive than Me or You Dancing Together While We Try to Figure Out If It's Even Worth Going Out On the Dance Floor and Asking Someone Way Out of Our League to Dance and Look Like Losers When They Reject Us.
Do I Belong? Pose in the Mirror and ask yourself these questions: Are you a high roller? Are you addicted to coke/ecstasy? Are you a good dancer with no personality? Are you a good looking human? Do you have enough money to pay for all those $20 shots? Really? Are You Sure You Aren't Lying? Do you enjoy headaches because of music and not hangovers? Have you ever just let loose to your all time fav jam, like, tots all night? Would you reject me if I asked to talk/dance/come within 20 feet of you? Is your name Eric Prydz? If you answered yes to two or three of these questions, then you belong in a dance bar. I'll see you there after they make me wait in line for two hours.
Pictured: Three PussiesGay Bar
Common Features: FlamBOYance, Style, Ironic Decor, Fun Music, Dance Parties, Guys Singing Britney.
Do I Belong? Grab a orange mocha frappuccino and answer these inquiries: Are You Gay or Bi-Sexual? Are you a straight girl thinking "I JUST WANT TO DANNNNNNNCE!"? Are you looking for a challenge? Do You Watch Project Runway? Do you spend longer than 15 minutes on your hair? No, but seriously, are you gay? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, you belong in a Gay Bar. Gay bar's are crazy. They're like dance bars without the attitude of all the douchebag Italians.
PIctured: Antarctica's Only Gay BarTopless Bar
Common Features: Boobs. Naked.
Do I Belong? Are you a male with very little chance of getting laid tonight? Are you married and shameless? Do you like seeing girls naked? Did your dad not love you enough? Do you hate yourself and project that onto women? Are you a Senator? Do you watch porn daily? Do you like crappy buffets? Do you have an hour to kill during the workday? Are you a black professional athlete? Are you just a creepy dude overall? Are you a girl that has been asked by her boyfriend to go that wants her boyfriend to owe her one so he'll finally take you to that posh new Asian Fusion restaurant on State St.? If you answered yes to two questions, or more, than you belong at a Topless Bar. Congratulations, you aren't getting laid tonight. Unless you pay extra.
Pictured: WinnersI would hope after reading this you now know where you belong. And if you don't think it fits you, then maybe you need to take a look at your life. Go test out my theories tonight, readers. It is Tuesday, after all. Enjoy and thank me later. Until next time, which will likely be my guest blogger Jeremy Kase's first post, I bid you adieu.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Even Stupid Things Should Be Done Wisely
Hello there, blogsters! I just wanted to warn of an upcoming segment that will be probably be starting this week here at the blog. About once a week, I'm going to allow an acquaintance of mine, Mr. Jeremy Kase, to write a little rant column or something. I really don't know what he's going to do with it, I just wanted to let you know that, when the title starts with "One Kase At a Time" that is not me writing. You might see a dip in the quality of writing, but I want to see him either a) be funny or b) fail. So be forewarned....
Sunday, October 18, 2009
What Day Is It Again?
Holidays are fun. I mean, except for Arbor Day. But most are enjoyable. People love celebrating things, no matter how arbitrary or irrelevant. Basically, some people need excuses to drink. And while I sip on my third vodka tonic of this meaningless Sunday night, others need more than just the day to end in "y" to pop a bottle. That's why I've put together a little list. Because lists are like crack to me. Their order is me pipe. And my readers are of course the lighter. But here are The 6 Best Drinking Holidays. If you don't know what's going to win....you clearly need a Guinness.
6. Purim
Origin: It's a Jewish festival to celebrate the deliverance of their people from the Persian Empire. You know, way back in the day. Since they were going to be exterminated, this seems like an OK thing to celebrate. But I mean, if there was a holiday every time the Jewish people were threatened with extermination, the calender would just be the לוּ×—ַ שָׁ× ָ×”.
Date: Purim takes place near the end of February, but I can't be sure since 1) I'm not Jewish and 2) I'm not going farther than Wikipedia for this info.
Boozy Influence: I'm not sure, but I hear it's a hell of a mitzvah. There are parades, big meals, giving of gifts, and tons of wine. And since, as everyone knows, those Hebrews party harder than any of us, they eat dessert with....get this....DECAF COFFEE! WHOA! Of course, I'm just kidding. These wildly appropriate parties that take place all through the "erev" with tons of liquor and other awesome stuff that I simply can't describe. Because I don't know what it is and refuse to do any more research.
Torah Torah Torah
5. Cinco De Mayo
Origin: The holiday celebrates the Mexican's victory of the French back in 1962. It is NOT Mexico's Independence Day and isn't as widely celebrated in Mexico as it is in the United States.
Date: I'm going to say that if you can't figure what day "Cinco De Mayo" is on, you belong with Tracy Turnblad in Special Ed. And they said I couldn't fit a Hairspray reference into Cinco De Mayo.
Boozy Influence: Since Americans will do anything for a chance to get "crunk" or whatever, we stole a nearly irrelevant Mexican holiday and BAM! We sip Corona, shoot Tequila, and make bad decisions like that Mexican heart surgeon who smuggled his kids into America to become a landscaper. Not to take anything away from the holiday, since it's one of the best days to celebrate. Mexicans know how to siesta and duermo mucho. I know. Crazy stuff.
Don't Drinko and Driveo
4. Halloween
Origin: It was a Celtic holiday that was adopted by the people who did everything awesome for this country, Irish immigrants, and its traditions spread like a California Wildfire that Arnold Schwarzanaegger doesn't know how to deal with--because he has no political experience. He's a bodybuilder. The United States of California, Ladies and Gents.
Date: Come on. October 31. EVERY YEAR, OVER AND OVER, TRICK OR TREAT, CASPER THE DAMNED FRIENDLY GHOST!
Boozy Influence: You know the drill. Girls, get your slutty costumes out. Guys, don't try too hard and just be simple and creative. Get drunk. Take off costumes. "Bob for apples." Get your "tricks or treats." Light your joints with a pumpkin. And make out with the other girl that's wearing the same slutty cheerleader costume. Wait, that's not a costume? Ummmm....Ooops! (runs far.)
The Girl In the Green Forgot She's Not 11
3. Mardi Gras
Origin: Simple. It's a designated party date to get out all your craziness before you don't ever drink, especially on St. Patrick's Day, Spring Break, or during the day on a random Saturday when you're bored.
Date: The last day before Lent begins. Sometimes, people party past midnight and it's like "Uh Oh!"
Boozy Influence: It's a damned carnival. People go to St. Louis or New Orleans, take to the treats dressed up as French pedofiles and get hammered. Because you know why? Because it's Tuesday, damnit! For the non-Christians, Mardi Gras is the same thing as it is for Christians. Get on that extra awesome pinata and wave to the crowd as you do your best Lady Di impression and....you know what? I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Let's just keep the line moving.
Not Recommended for People With Irrational Fear of Weird French MakeUp
2. New Years
Origin: The World Started.
Date: I'll give you a hint: no I won't.
Boozy Influence: Probably the biggest social holiday in the United States, New Years is a time to pop a cork, party with friends, and kiss strangers at midnight. Fireworks, fun, and frolicking along the boulevard. I know how that's I spend my new year's. Except last year. I dislocated my knee. People listen to "The New Year" by ABBA and drinking sparkling apple juice while holding hands with their best girl watching Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve, all the while hoping some little known blogger doesn't write about it 35 years ago while mocking them. But he will. OH! HE WILL!
Bongo Is Not Happy With You
1. ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Origin: The feast day of the snake murdering, English-hating, all-around awesome dude, St. Patrick. He'd totally pwn you.
Date: MARCH 17TH! YOU KNOW THIS! BAH!!!!!!
Boozy Influence: We dye things green, wear green, drink green beer, and we wear green condoms. WE DO IT ALL BECAUSE THE IRISH HAVE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORLD AWESOME. YOU CAN"T DENY IT! YOU LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT! RAISE UP POLISH, GERMAN, FRENCH, ITALIAN, GREEK, AFRICAN, LATINO, ASIAN, AUSTRALIAN, CANADIAN, CHILEAN, AND ANTARCTIC ESKIMO PEOPLE, FOR IT IS THE IRISH YOU LOVE! WE EVEN ATE POTATOES FOR YEARS AT A TIME JUST SO YOU CAN PARTY ONE DAY A YEAR! NOT TRUE? THEN HOW DID I ADD IT TO WIKIPEDIA?!?! Grab a Guinness, take a shot of whiskey, and kiss me, i'm Irish. ERIN GO FUCKING BRAGH!
Photo of Dublin's River Liffey on St. Patty's Day, taken by yours truly
Enough. Capiche. Blahdey Blah Blah. You enjoyed it, I know, thank you. You know, I can't hear you, you don't actually have to give me a standing ovation. Ha, oh, this is just too flattering. Anyways, I love ya'll but i gots to hit and run. As usual, I know. But you know I'll be back soon enough. Until then....BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
6. Purim
Origin: It's a Jewish festival to celebrate the deliverance of their people from the Persian Empire. You know, way back in the day. Since they were going to be exterminated, this seems like an OK thing to celebrate. But I mean, if there was a holiday every time the Jewish people were threatened with extermination, the calender would just be the לוּ×—ַ שָׁ× ָ×”.
Date: Purim takes place near the end of February, but I can't be sure since 1) I'm not Jewish and 2) I'm not going farther than Wikipedia for this info.
Boozy Influence: I'm not sure, but I hear it's a hell of a mitzvah. There are parades, big meals, giving of gifts, and tons of wine. And since, as everyone knows, those Hebrews party harder than any of us, they eat dessert with....get this....DECAF COFFEE! WHOA! Of course, I'm just kidding. These wildly appropriate parties that take place all through the "erev" with tons of liquor and other awesome stuff that I simply can't describe. Because I don't know what it is and refuse to do any more research.
Torah Torah Torah5. Cinco De Mayo
Origin: The holiday celebrates the Mexican's victory of the French back in 1962. It is NOT Mexico's Independence Day and isn't as widely celebrated in Mexico as it is in the United States.
Date: I'm going to say that if you can't figure what day "Cinco De Mayo" is on, you belong with Tracy Turnblad in Special Ed. And they said I couldn't fit a Hairspray reference into Cinco De Mayo.
Boozy Influence: Since Americans will do anything for a chance to get "crunk" or whatever, we stole a nearly irrelevant Mexican holiday and BAM! We sip Corona, shoot Tequila, and make bad decisions like that Mexican heart surgeon who smuggled his kids into America to become a landscaper. Not to take anything away from the holiday, since it's one of the best days to celebrate. Mexicans know how to siesta and duermo mucho. I know. Crazy stuff.
Don't Drinko and Driveo4. Halloween
Origin: It was a Celtic holiday that was adopted by the people who did everything awesome for this country, Irish immigrants, and its traditions spread like a California Wildfire that Arnold Schwarzanaegger doesn't know how to deal with--because he has no political experience. He's a bodybuilder. The United States of California, Ladies and Gents.
Date: Come on. October 31. EVERY YEAR, OVER AND OVER, TRICK OR TREAT, CASPER THE DAMNED FRIENDLY GHOST!
Boozy Influence: You know the drill. Girls, get your slutty costumes out. Guys, don't try too hard and just be simple and creative. Get drunk. Take off costumes. "Bob for apples." Get your "tricks or treats." Light your joints with a pumpkin. And make out with the other girl that's wearing the same slutty cheerleader costume. Wait, that's not a costume? Ummmm....Ooops! (runs far.)
The Girl In the Green Forgot She's Not 113. Mardi Gras
Origin: Simple. It's a designated party date to get out all your craziness before you don't ever drink, especially on St. Patrick's Day, Spring Break, or during the day on a random Saturday when you're bored.
Date: The last day before Lent begins. Sometimes, people party past midnight and it's like "Uh Oh!"
Boozy Influence: It's a damned carnival. People go to St. Louis or New Orleans, take to the treats dressed up as French pedofiles and get hammered. Because you know why? Because it's Tuesday, damnit! For the non-Christians, Mardi Gras is the same thing as it is for Christians. Get on that extra awesome pinata and wave to the crowd as you do your best Lady Di impression and....you know what? I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Let's just keep the line moving.
Not Recommended for People With Irrational Fear of Weird French MakeUp2. New Years
Origin: The World Started.
Date: I'll give you a hint: no I won't.
Boozy Influence: Probably the biggest social holiday in the United States, New Years is a time to pop a cork, party with friends, and kiss strangers at midnight. Fireworks, fun, and frolicking along the boulevard. I know how that's I spend my new year's. Except last year. I dislocated my knee. People listen to "The New Year" by ABBA and drinking sparkling apple juice while holding hands with their best girl watching Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve, all the while hoping some little known blogger doesn't write about it 35 years ago while mocking them. But he will. OH! HE WILL!
Bongo Is Not Happy With You1. ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Origin: The feast day of the snake murdering, English-hating, all-around awesome dude, St. Patrick. He'd totally pwn you.
Date: MARCH 17TH! YOU KNOW THIS! BAH!!!!!!
Boozy Influence: We dye things green, wear green, drink green beer, and we wear green condoms. WE DO IT ALL BECAUSE THE IRISH HAVE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORLD AWESOME. YOU CAN"T DENY IT! YOU LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT! RAISE UP POLISH, GERMAN, FRENCH, ITALIAN, GREEK, AFRICAN, LATINO, ASIAN, AUSTRALIAN, CANADIAN, CHILEAN, AND ANTARCTIC ESKIMO PEOPLE, FOR IT IS THE IRISH YOU LOVE! WE EVEN ATE POTATOES FOR YEARS AT A TIME JUST SO YOU CAN PARTY ONE DAY A YEAR! NOT TRUE? THEN HOW DID I ADD IT TO WIKIPEDIA?!?! Grab a Guinness, take a shot of whiskey, and kiss me, i'm Irish. ERIN GO FUCKING BRAGH!
Photo of Dublin's River Liffey on St. Patty's Day, taken by yours trulyEnough. Capiche. Blahdey Blah Blah. You enjoyed it, I know, thank you. You know, I can't hear you, you don't actually have to give me a standing ovation. Ha, oh, this is just too flattering. Anyways, I love ya'll but i gots to hit and run. As usual, I know. But you know I'll be back soon enough. Until then....BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The Men On Your Bottle
What does it take to get your name and picture on currency? Some historical event or significance? Maybe you freed the slaves or flied a kite. Maybe you were just the first. See, getting your name and face on money is pretty hard. Getting your name or face on a liquor bottle? Just do one little obscure think to chance a minor bit of history and people will know you better than who freed the slaves. Wouldn't you like to know who these men are? They are, in fact, the reason you are able to get drunk so effortlessly. Today, let's pay a minor homage to the men who have given us courage, hope, and many good times, however artificial they may have been. These are The Men On Your Bottle.
Smirnoff
The Man: Pyotr Smirnoff (Pyotr is communist for "Peter." Knowledge is power)
The Legend: Although Pyotr was born to illiterate Russian peasants, he overcame his shortcomings to produce what is now the most popular brand of liquor in the world. He was the first to advertise alcohol using newspaper ads and paid off the Russian Church (oxymoron?) to stop giving anti-vodka speeches. In just 20 years, his brand of heaven was the most popular in Moscow and was even drunk by the Tsar (tsar is like king, only with an ugly accent). The distillery was taken over by the government from the Smirnoff family when Russian turned all commie. It is now produced in the Ukraine, one of the only countries badass enough to have a "the" in front of it.
Jack Daniels
The Man: Jack Daniel. Duh.
The Legend: At a very young age, Jack Daniel began his distillery in the most racist town name ever, Lynchburg (formerly Lynchtheblackie), Tennessee. Although the whiskey didn't catch on til after prohibition and his death, his vision has gotten an unbelievable amount of people drunk since. You see, it's all about location. Jack Daniels uses a special type of water that is only native to the Tennessee area, but nobody knows. One day, this water will run out and Jack Daniels will be an imitation of its former self. A day I hope I never see. But the man must be remembered for it is his vision that has contributed to my lack thereof.
Bacardi
The Man: Don Facundo Bacardi
The Legend: Good ol' Facundo's life was pretty unfortunate before he experimented with rum in Cuba. Cholera, earthquakes, bankruptcy, children death, and a global shortage of sugar, which would break any man or pregnant woman. See, before Sir Bacardi, rum was disgusting and a drink for low-level men like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. After he refined the distilling process, he organized a great ad campaign with the "Bacardi" in extra bold print, along with the now iconic bat. And all this in 1860s Cuba. As the business thrived, Cuba's nationalism movement came about but business was not to be deterred! It sold like Cuban cigars do in every country in the world besides America. Which begs the question: why can we drink Bacardi, a Cuban rum, but not smoke Cuban cigars? Balls in your court Obama. Stop trying to fix the economy and make this priority one.
Johnnie Walker
The Man: John Walker
The Legend: Born in Scotland (poor bastard), Johnnie set up his own brand of whiskey with his inheritance from his dad. He was actually just considered a grocer in Scotland who made some tasty booze. But it wasn't the disgusting scotch that some people love yet. After our boy John died, his son used his skill in blending tea into blending whiskey, thus creating scotch. In fact, Johnnie is just a glory hog. When he died, his whole stock was destroyed in a flood. His son Alex had to redo everything from scratch and built the Johnnie Walker label up to what is now. Scotch tastes icky though.
Jose Cuervo
The Man: Jose Antonio de Cuervo/Jose Cuervo Labastida
The Legend: Jose was born in Spain but later relocated to southwestern Mexico during its colonization in the 1750s. After receiving a large land plot from the King of Spain, his slaves were like "whoa, this dudes a big deal. let's get back to work on the double." He built a factory on this land and then left it to his familia, which is Spanish for "tequila." It wasn't named Jose Cuervo until around 1900, when the conveniently named Jose Cuervo Labastida, to the extreme shock of others, named it Jose Cuervo as it started to be shipped to the States. What neither man knew was how hungover their liquor makes me. And that I would mix it with tonic as bartenders wouldn't even believe that I actually wanted it. And THAT'S why I didn't tip them. HA HA!
Tanqueray
The Man: Charles Tanqueray
The Legend: Charlie was an old Brit that just wanted to put something in his tonic. Then, in 1830, he started to make his own gin. At first he wanted it to be called "nig" but then he was like "NO! Read that word backwards!" Wha-la, gin has been born. His son with the same name inherited it but it was demolished during World War II. ALL BUT ONE FACTORY THAT IS! So he moved it to the safest, secluded place that people would never look in: Scotland. Gin is for lame people. It's gross and trying to be all sophisticatedy-like. Plus, the British stink. Literally.
Dom Perignon
The Man: Dom Perignon
The Legend: The funny story of Dom was that he was a monk. He was the inventor (supposedly) of champagne in France, sometime in the 17th Century. Before him, the process of making sparkling wine was dangerous and would basically turn the bottles into bombs if not sold by winter. Then Dom's all like "Get outs my way. Boom bam boom, problem solved. Excuse me while I go sip on some of my champ and wait to become a part of drunken New Year's Eve parties and rap lyrics. Peace sucks, Dom out." And now, the rest is history. So next time you're counting down to midnight, grasping his bottle by the neck, ask yourself "Why did Dom make this lovely drink?" The answer is simple: the Benedictine monk wants you to chug until you see God. And it might be a while. So bottoms up.
Do you know these men any better than you did yesterday? I don't know. I sure as hell hope so though. It's always good to know where you came from. Or, in this case, where your hangover came from. Maybe the hills of Spain, the fields of France, or the rain soaked streets of London. It's all unimportant, really, where it came from. It's all about where it's going. In your mouth. So you don't need to toast these men next time you're drinking them, they'll be all the way down your throat soon enough. Good night!
Smirnoff
The Man: Pyotr Smirnoff (Pyotr is communist for "Peter." Knowledge is power)
The Legend: Although Pyotr was born to illiterate Russian peasants, he overcame his shortcomings to produce what is now the most popular brand of liquor in the world. He was the first to advertise alcohol using newspaper ads and paid off the Russian Church (oxymoron?) to stop giving anti-vodka speeches. In just 20 years, his brand of heaven was the most popular in Moscow and was even drunk by the Tsar (tsar is like king, only with an ugly accent). The distillery was taken over by the government from the Smirnoff family when Russian turned all commie. It is now produced in the Ukraine, one of the only countries badass enough to have a "the" in front of it.
Jack Daniels
The Man: Jack Daniel. Duh.
The Legend: At a very young age, Jack Daniel began his distillery in the most racist town name ever, Lynchburg (formerly Lynchtheblackie), Tennessee. Although the whiskey didn't catch on til after prohibition and his death, his vision has gotten an unbelievable amount of people drunk since. You see, it's all about location. Jack Daniels uses a special type of water that is only native to the Tennessee area, but nobody knows. One day, this water will run out and Jack Daniels will be an imitation of its former self. A day I hope I never see. But the man must be remembered for it is his vision that has contributed to my lack thereof.
Bacardi
The Man: Don Facundo Bacardi
The Legend: Good ol' Facundo's life was pretty unfortunate before he experimented with rum in Cuba. Cholera, earthquakes, bankruptcy, children death, and a global shortage of sugar, which would break any man or pregnant woman. See, before Sir Bacardi, rum was disgusting and a drink for low-level men like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. After he refined the distilling process, he organized a great ad campaign with the "Bacardi" in extra bold print, along with the now iconic bat. And all this in 1860s Cuba. As the business thrived, Cuba's nationalism movement came about but business was not to be deterred! It sold like Cuban cigars do in every country in the world besides America. Which begs the question: why can we drink Bacardi, a Cuban rum, but not smoke Cuban cigars? Balls in your court Obama. Stop trying to fix the economy and make this priority one.
Johnnie Walker
The Man: John Walker
The Legend: Born in Scotland (poor bastard), Johnnie set up his own brand of whiskey with his inheritance from his dad. He was actually just considered a grocer in Scotland who made some tasty booze. But it wasn't the disgusting scotch that some people love yet. After our boy John died, his son used his skill in blending tea into blending whiskey, thus creating scotch. In fact, Johnnie is just a glory hog. When he died, his whole stock was destroyed in a flood. His son Alex had to redo everything from scratch and built the Johnnie Walker label up to what is now. Scotch tastes icky though.
Jose Cuervo
The Man: Jose Antonio de Cuervo/Jose Cuervo Labastida
The Legend: Jose was born in Spain but later relocated to southwestern Mexico during its colonization in the 1750s. After receiving a large land plot from the King of Spain, his slaves were like "whoa, this dudes a big deal. let's get back to work on the double." He built a factory on this land and then left it to his familia, which is Spanish for "tequila." It wasn't named Jose Cuervo until around 1900, when the conveniently named Jose Cuervo Labastida, to the extreme shock of others, named it Jose Cuervo as it started to be shipped to the States. What neither man knew was how hungover their liquor makes me. And that I would mix it with tonic as bartenders wouldn't even believe that I actually wanted it. And THAT'S why I didn't tip them. HA HA!
Tanqueray
The Man: Charles Tanqueray
The Legend: Charlie was an old Brit that just wanted to put something in his tonic. Then, in 1830, he started to make his own gin. At first he wanted it to be called "nig" but then he was like "NO! Read that word backwards!" Wha-la, gin has been born. His son with the same name inherited it but it was demolished during World War II. ALL BUT ONE FACTORY THAT IS! So he moved it to the safest, secluded place that people would never look in: Scotland. Gin is for lame people. It's gross and trying to be all sophisticatedy-like. Plus, the British stink. Literally.
Dom Perignon
The Man: Dom Perignon
The Legend: The funny story of Dom was that he was a monk. He was the inventor (supposedly) of champagne in France, sometime in the 17th Century. Before him, the process of making sparkling wine was dangerous and would basically turn the bottles into bombs if not sold by winter. Then Dom's all like "Get outs my way. Boom bam boom, problem solved. Excuse me while I go sip on some of my champ and wait to become a part of drunken New Year's Eve parties and rap lyrics. Peace sucks, Dom out." And now, the rest is history. So next time you're counting down to midnight, grasping his bottle by the neck, ask yourself "Why did Dom make this lovely drink?" The answer is simple: the Benedictine monk wants you to chug until you see God. And it might be a while. So bottoms up.
Do you know these men any better than you did yesterday? I don't know. I sure as hell hope so though. It's always good to know where you came from. Or, in this case, where your hangover came from. Maybe the hills of Spain, the fields of France, or the rain soaked streets of London. It's all unimportant, really, where it came from. It's all about where it's going. In your mouth. So you don't need to toast these men next time you're drinking them, they'll be all the way down your throat soon enough. Good night!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Blurry Between the F-Sharp and B-Flat
A new week, a new chance for you to catch up on my shrill writings about your favorite beverage: alcohol. I'm in a sing-songy mood, or whatever the adults are calling these days, and I feel like writing a bit about tunes. So I've decided to do just that. Obviously. Or this wouldn't be my intro, would it? I mean, what kind of writer would I be if I just rambled on and on and on about nothing in my introduction? You wouldn't even know what I am about to blog about! Anyways let's get started.
(Your Favorite Bloggers 8 Favorite Songs About Alcohol.)
(Hint: Your favorite blogger is me, not Perez Hilton. I don't even know why your head would go there. Seems kind of mean.)
8. "Who's Got the Hooch?"-Everything
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Who's got the hooch, baby? Who's got the only sweetest thing in the world?"
Why It Cracks the List: Personally, I think this song is beyond recognition, all sorts of terrible. At least...UNTIL I HEARD IT AGAIN. Now I can't get this damn thing out of my head every time it comes up on shuffle. Is it a good song? Probably not. But it won't go away. So it makes my list. FOR NOW.
7. "I Kissed a Drunk Girl"-Something Corporate
Favorite Alcy Lyrics: "Everyone there was gone, her little cousin was passed out on the lawn."
Why it Cracks the List: Because I am personally obligated to include an Andrew McMahon song in every list I ever do about music. Also, I've been listening to Something Corporate for almost a decade. This song, not even close to SoCo's best, is the only Andy song I could find that is purely about drinking. And it's not THAT bad. I mean, it's about making out with a drunk girl. We've all done that before. Even the girl(s) reading.
6. "Let's Get Fucked Up and Die"-Motion City Soundtrack
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "God damn the liquor store's closed, we were so close to scoring."
Why it Cracks the List: Kind of a downer, but still a great tune. It's like, screw it, let's get hammered and fuck the consequences. Even though the song is about the lead singer's alcoholism, I still say it encourages drinking and having a good time. And it's a really fun song. I mean, to me at least. Maybe I just see the boozy goodness in all things awesome. Who cares? It's a damn good song about getting drunk as a skunk.
5. "Drunken Lament"-Ludo
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies."
Why It Cracks the List: Another kind of downer but at least it's semi-catchy. Not a song I really expect anyone reading to like, because it's kind of like indie pop-punkish, but this is my list damnit. And I will bore you to death if I feel like it. WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! Sorry, I love you all. Anyways, this song rocks my proverbial drunken socks off.
4. "Hot Mess"-Cobra Starship
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Stumblin' but yeah, you're still lookin' hella-fine!"
Why it Cracks the List: This is the song on the list that I will (and probably should) get the most shit for. It's an insanely poppy song, with insanely ridiculous lyrics, from an insanely preposterous band. And I love every damned second of it. Criticize, make fun, do what you will, but know this is probably what I'm singing in my car when I'm on my way to pick you as the DD. (interpret DD anyway you want)
3. "Bright Future in Sales"-Fountains of Wayne
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Seven scotch and sodas at the office party, now I don't remember where I'm from."
Why it Cracks the List: Yes, this is that "Stacy's Mom"-song band. But they are oh-so-much more to me and this song pretty much describes a business alcoholic. And I think it's devilishly catchy. And so does your mom. Just kidding. She probably hasn't heard this song.
2. "The Science of Selling Yourself Short"-Less Than Jake
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "I've been spending my time at the local liquor store, and I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor."
Why it Cracks the List: This song has been one of my favorites for a long time. Even though it's extremely depressing when you listen to the lyrics, it never fails to make me happy. Maybe it's the inclusion of so many instruments, maybe because it makes me feel better about myself. I don't know. And I don't care. I don't ask questions when I like a song. I just listen on.
1. "Saturday Night"-Lucky Boys Confusion
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "This room is like a bottle...it's never full enough!"
Why it Cracks the List: From one of, if not my, favorite bands, "Saturday Night" is a song I think I try and listen to every Saturday Night I go out since the beginning of high school. Probably my number one "Pump-Up" song for going out, it has been part of going out routine, which basically means I listen to it when I'm pre-gaming on Saturday nights. But it wins. For so many reasons.
"Saturday Night"-LBC
Well that'll about do it. Like I said, these were MY favorite songs about alcohol. So obviously everyone and their 2-year old sister/niece/daughter is going to disagree with the list. I hope you enjoyed at least a few of the entries. I'm sure I'll be back here for more later in the week. Until next time, (insert however you say "have a good one" in Arabic since I'm too lazy to look that up)
(Your Favorite Bloggers 8 Favorite Songs About Alcohol.)
(Hint: Your favorite blogger is me, not Perez Hilton. I don't even know why your head would go there. Seems kind of mean.)
8. "Who's Got the Hooch?"-Everything
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Who's got the hooch, baby? Who's got the only sweetest thing in the world?"
Why It Cracks the List: Personally, I think this song is beyond recognition, all sorts of terrible. At least...UNTIL I HEARD IT AGAIN. Now I can't get this damn thing out of my head every time it comes up on shuffle. Is it a good song? Probably not. But it won't go away. So it makes my list. FOR NOW.
7. "I Kissed a Drunk Girl"-Something Corporate
Favorite Alcy Lyrics: "Everyone there was gone, her little cousin was passed out on the lawn."
Why it Cracks the List: Because I am personally obligated to include an Andrew McMahon song in every list I ever do about music. Also, I've been listening to Something Corporate for almost a decade. This song, not even close to SoCo's best, is the only Andy song I could find that is purely about drinking. And it's not THAT bad. I mean, it's about making out with a drunk girl. We've all done that before. Even the girl(s) reading.
6. "Let's Get Fucked Up and Die"-Motion City Soundtrack
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "God damn the liquor store's closed, we were so close to scoring."
Why it Cracks the List: Kind of a downer, but still a great tune. It's like, screw it, let's get hammered and fuck the consequences. Even though the song is about the lead singer's alcoholism, I still say it encourages drinking and having a good time. And it's a really fun song. I mean, to me at least. Maybe I just see the boozy goodness in all things awesome. Who cares? It's a damn good song about getting drunk as a skunk.
5. "Drunken Lament"-Ludo
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies."
Why It Cracks the List: Another kind of downer but at least it's semi-catchy. Not a song I really expect anyone reading to like, because it's kind of like indie pop-punkish, but this is my list damnit. And I will bore you to death if I feel like it. WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! Sorry, I love you all. Anyways, this song rocks my proverbial drunken socks off.
4. "Hot Mess"-Cobra Starship
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Stumblin' but yeah, you're still lookin' hella-fine!"
Why it Cracks the List: This is the song on the list that I will (and probably should) get the most shit for. It's an insanely poppy song, with insanely ridiculous lyrics, from an insanely preposterous band. And I love every damned second of it. Criticize, make fun, do what you will, but know this is probably what I'm singing in my car when I'm on my way to pick you as the DD. (interpret DD anyway you want)
3. "Bright Future in Sales"-Fountains of Wayne
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Seven scotch and sodas at the office party, now I don't remember where I'm from."
Why it Cracks the List: Yes, this is that "Stacy's Mom"-song band. But they are oh-so-much more to me and this song pretty much describes a business alcoholic. And I think it's devilishly catchy. And so does your mom. Just kidding. She probably hasn't heard this song.
2. "The Science of Selling Yourself Short"-Less Than Jake
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "I've been spending my time at the local liquor store, and I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor."
Why it Cracks the List: This song has been one of my favorites for a long time. Even though it's extremely depressing when you listen to the lyrics, it never fails to make me happy. Maybe it's the inclusion of so many instruments, maybe because it makes me feel better about myself. I don't know. And I don't care. I don't ask questions when I like a song. I just listen on.
1. "Saturday Night"-Lucky Boys Confusion
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "This room is like a bottle...it's never full enough!"
Why it Cracks the List: From one of, if not my, favorite bands, "Saturday Night" is a song I think I try and listen to every Saturday Night I go out since the beginning of high school. Probably my number one "Pump-Up" song for going out, it has been part of going out routine, which basically means I listen to it when I'm pre-gaming on Saturday nights. But it wins. For so many reasons.
"Saturday Night"-LBC
Well that'll about do it. Like I said, these were MY favorite songs about alcohol. So obviously everyone and their 2-year old sister/niece/daughter is going to disagree with the list. I hope you enjoyed at least a few of the entries. I'm sure I'll be back here for more later in the week. Until next time, (insert however you say "have a good one" in Arabic since I'm too lazy to look that up)
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Mike Dolan Guide to the Weekend
I feel like...hey, I'm an alcohol blog. Yet, I don't really prepare my lovely readers for the weekend, the time when the advice and booze the flows from this blog is most utilized. So from now on, I'll prepare for the weekend every Friday afternoon with some suggestions for the weekend. Do not take them lightly. Think of it as a checklist. If you accomplish the list, I'll send you a 6 pack, wherever you are. Unless you're overseas. I'm not Gandhi. Or quite sure what that means.
WEEKEND GOALS FOR YOU:
-Try my new drink invention, The Weekender. (1/2 shot Seagrams 7, 1/2 shot Tequila, mix with 7-Up/Sprite, top with Champagne and add a cherry.)
-Tell a member of the opposite sex that you don't or barely know to meet you somewhere you won't be, then text back "I was kidding..." when they ask where you are.
-Call one of your friends by the wrong name all night.
-Drunk text someone you haven't talked to in over a year.
And finally....commit some sort of act that could be legally classified as "public indecency"
If anyone actually does ANY of the previous acts, I'll probably send you the beer/booze. Maybe even champagne. Leave your stories in the comments or e-mail me them at mdolan2@gmail.com. Have a great weekend!
WEEKEND GOALS FOR YOU:
-Try my new drink invention, The Weekender. (1/2 shot Seagrams 7, 1/2 shot Tequila, mix with 7-Up/Sprite, top with Champagne and add a cherry.)
-Tell a member of the opposite sex that you don't or barely know to meet you somewhere you won't be, then text back "I was kidding..." when they ask where you are.
-Call one of your friends by the wrong name all night.
-Drunk text someone you haven't talked to in over a year.
And finally....commit some sort of act that could be legally classified as "public indecency"
If anyone actually does ANY of the previous acts, I'll probably send you the beer/booze. Maybe even champagne. Leave your stories in the comments or e-mail me them at mdolan2@gmail.com. Have a great weekend!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
You're a Hot Mess. But Since It's Fiction, It's Adorable
Now that we've got all that lovey-dovey stuff out of the way, we can go back to talking about what you all love: getting smashed and being stupid. And of course, I'm happy to be your lovely guide throughout the process. The more you live, the more you find irony hilarious. Others people's misfortunes are indeed funny, depending on the severity, especially when they are in the spotlight. Who do we love because they are crazy stupid? These lovely starlets that have bravely chosen a life of boozing and drugs rather than take the cowardly route of following social norms. Even though they are fake, they are tragically hilarious. Who are these alcoholics? They are the 6 Best Female Alcoholic TV Characters of the Decade
6. Karen Walker
Portrayed By: Megan Mullally
TV Show: Will & Grace
Hot Mess Characteristics: I haven't seen very much of this show. But I know a few friends who loved the show that mentioned her alcoholic goodness, so I watched a clip of her on YouTube and wha-la! It's enough to make my extra special list. Her one liners and sarcastic, patronizing attitude made her one of, if not the show's most popular characters. Booze often fuels her quirks throughout the show. Again, I can't write a whole diatribe since I haven't seen much, but from what I can gather, she was a boozy quirkster. Those are me faves.
Karen Walker's Best Moments
5. Meredith Palmer
Portrayed By: Kate Flannery
TV Show: The Office (U.S. Version)
Hot Mess Characteristics: Meredith is a full-blown alcy. She drinks during work, is always drunk at the parties, and is a bit of a floozy. Everybody's favorite "Red-Headed Slut" is a shot of life in a, overall, non-party group. Although she may not even be the third or fourth best character in the show, she makes the most of her moments, like Creed, by delivering them with such good deadpan. Pretty much all she talks about in the show is sex and drinking, even if it's not obvious, and she would make either a partier proud or a AA sponson cringe. Every office has one. But THE Office's alcoholic skankstress wins a spot on my top 6.
4. Marsha Klein
Portrayed By: Julia Deakin
TV Show: Spaced
Hot Mess Characteristics: Although barely any of you have seen the British hit TV show, you really should. It stars the writers/stars and director of "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz," which were basically sprung from this show. Marsha, the landlord in the apartment where most of the series takes place, is a chain-smoking wino that is constantly popping in to have a "splash" of vino. Occasionally, she ends up flat on her face. Every episode of the short series, Marsha is polishing off some wine and taking a drag. And with all that rain and bad weather in London, who can blame her?
3. Jordan Sullivan
Portrayed By: Christa Miller
TV Show: Scrubs
Hot Mess Characteristics: Egotistical, diabolical, and just plain mean, Dr. Cox's evil ex-wife/wife from Scrubs drops in at numero tres. Whether it's not being late for Cougar Night or just being a hospital ho (copyrighted, TWC, Inc), Jordan brings out the worst in everyone. And that's what most drunks do. At least, after they've been drunks for a long time. Although the show is semi-over, nobody can forget the brunette boozette of Sacred Heart Hospital.
2. Dee Reynolds
Portrayed By: Kaitlin Olson
TV Show: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Hot Mess Characteristics: Oh, Sweet Dee. Although basically everyone at Paddy's Pub is basically a huge boozehound, they have to have their houndress. And in Sweet Dee, they've found her. Getting drunk is half the show's premise, and Ms. Reynolds displays all the tendencies of an alcster: egotistical, selfish, angry, and unhealthy. But Goddamnit if she isn't the funniest damn blonde on TV. Even though she'll never hold a candle to Charlie in terms of comedy (few TV characters can), her narcissistic, boozy behavior is unlike any woman we've seen on TV.
1. Lucille Bluth
Portrayed By: Jessica Walter
TV Show: Arrested Development
Hot Mess Characteristics: There can be no doubt. In what has to be the greatest comedy of the decade, we have our number one alcoholic female. The mother of the selfish, moronic, and preposterously hilarious Bluth family, Lucille rarely is waddling around without a martini glass in hand. She's drunk in the morning, she's drunk at parties, she's drunk at work. Hell, she's probably drunk right now even though she's fictional. Disagree you may, but Ms. Bluth certainly is the most experienced, funniest, and definitely the biggest boozer of the bunch. Congrats to her. Now only if they could get that movie made.
There it is. The best in lady drinking. No cosmos or sex on the beaches for these ladies. You may disagree, you may ask "Why is there no Samantha from Sex in the City on this?" To you people, I must say that I haven't, contrary to popular belief, seen every TV show of the last ten years. (Sex in the City, especially) But I'm pretty confident in my concrete list of floozy drunkardettes. No one denies this? Good. I'll be back shortly enough to give you the male version. Until then, aur revoir madamoiselles. (Is that right? I didn't even have to look it up if it is.)
6. Karen Walker
Portrayed By: Megan Mullally
TV Show: Will & Grace
Hot Mess Characteristics: I haven't seen very much of this show. But I know a few friends who loved the show that mentioned her alcoholic goodness, so I watched a clip of her on YouTube and wha-la! It's enough to make my extra special list. Her one liners and sarcastic, patronizing attitude made her one of, if not the show's most popular characters. Booze often fuels her quirks throughout the show. Again, I can't write a whole diatribe since I haven't seen much, but from what I can gather, she was a boozy quirkster. Those are me faves.
Karen Walker's Best Moments
5. Meredith Palmer
Portrayed By: Kate Flannery
TV Show: The Office (U.S. Version)
Hot Mess Characteristics: Meredith is a full-blown alcy. She drinks during work, is always drunk at the parties, and is a bit of a floozy. Everybody's favorite "Red-Headed Slut" is a shot of life in a, overall, non-party group. Although she may not even be the third or fourth best character in the show, she makes the most of her moments, like Creed, by delivering them with such good deadpan. Pretty much all she talks about in the show is sex and drinking, even if it's not obvious, and she would make either a partier proud or a AA sponson cringe. Every office has one. But THE Office's alcoholic skankstress wins a spot on my top 6.
4. Marsha Klein
Portrayed By: Julia Deakin
TV Show: Spaced
Hot Mess Characteristics: Although barely any of you have seen the British hit TV show, you really should. It stars the writers/stars and director of "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz," which were basically sprung from this show. Marsha, the landlord in the apartment where most of the series takes place, is a chain-smoking wino that is constantly popping in to have a "splash" of vino. Occasionally, she ends up flat on her face. Every episode of the short series, Marsha is polishing off some wine and taking a drag. And with all that rain and bad weather in London, who can blame her?
3. Jordan Sullivan
Portrayed By: Christa Miller
TV Show: Scrubs
Hot Mess Characteristics: Egotistical, diabolical, and just plain mean, Dr. Cox's evil ex-wife/wife from Scrubs drops in at numero tres. Whether it's not being late for Cougar Night or just being a hospital ho (copyrighted, TWC, Inc), Jordan brings out the worst in everyone. And that's what most drunks do. At least, after they've been drunks for a long time. Although the show is semi-over, nobody can forget the brunette boozette of Sacred Heart Hospital.
2. Dee Reynolds
Portrayed By: Kaitlin Olson
TV Show: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Hot Mess Characteristics: Oh, Sweet Dee. Although basically everyone at Paddy's Pub is basically a huge boozehound, they have to have their houndress. And in Sweet Dee, they've found her. Getting drunk is half the show's premise, and Ms. Reynolds displays all the tendencies of an alcster: egotistical, selfish, angry, and unhealthy. But Goddamnit if she isn't the funniest damn blonde on TV. Even though she'll never hold a candle to Charlie in terms of comedy (few TV characters can), her narcissistic, boozy behavior is unlike any woman we've seen on TV.
1. Lucille Bluth
Portrayed By: Jessica Walter
TV Show: Arrested Development
Hot Mess Characteristics: There can be no doubt. In what has to be the greatest comedy of the decade, we have our number one alcoholic female. The mother of the selfish, moronic, and preposterously hilarious Bluth family, Lucille rarely is waddling around without a martini glass in hand. She's drunk in the morning, she's drunk at parties, she's drunk at work. Hell, she's probably drunk right now even though she's fictional. Disagree you may, but Ms. Bluth certainly is the most experienced, funniest, and definitely the biggest boozer of the bunch. Congrats to her. Now only if they could get that movie made.
There it is. The best in lady drinking. No cosmos or sex on the beaches for these ladies. You may disagree, you may ask "Why is there no Samantha from Sex in the City on this?" To you people, I must say that I haven't, contrary to popular belief, seen every TV show of the last ten years. (Sex in the City, especially) But I'm pretty confident in my concrete list of floozy drunkardettes. No one denies this? Good. I'll be back shortly enough to give you the male version. Until then, aur revoir madamoiselles. (Is that right? I didn't even have to look it up if it is.)
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
My Blog Apology and Thanks
Well, those drunk awards didn't turn out like I hoped they would. But not to worry. I know I've offended some (read: most) of the people even nominated. So I made an apology and thank you video for all of my readers that I know of. I know they aren't that many of you but I obviously appreciate every single view. So I hope you enjoy my video of you. And muchas gracias.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
You Know, When I Hear It Again, It Sounds Quite Nice
A few years ago, when this blog wasn't all about booze, I wrote a post about the World's Ugliest Languages. Now that I've a few years to look back on it, I've rethought my stance on these languages. And you know what? I was not influenced by anything or anyone to write it. Well. Maybe a Little. Here are The World's 5 Prettiest Languages.
5. Albanian
Language Type and Origin: Indo-Eburopean language derived from extinct Illyrian language that were spoken in the Baltics. The earliest known Albanian speakers were from the 2nd Century, AD.
Beauty Factor: What makes Albanian an favorable language is that it's a very aggressive language. There are many palatal stops and putting strong inflection on many letters, such as v, m, n, b, and many others. There are lots of words that also emphasize "sh" and with the accent they have it sounds heavenly. There are also verbs that are conjugated based on moods that people are in. Listening to the language, it seems like the Albanians are a very happy people.. Plus, I worked with Albanians for 2 years, so I was lucky enough to hear it on a daily basis.
Sounds like: A Greek person speaking a mix of Italian and Russian. Also sounds like someone in a constant state of awesomeness.
Here's Albanian singer Poni making me want to "Dil Moj Dil.":
4. Hindi
Language Type and Origin: Indo-Aryan Language evolved from the Sanskrit writing system. Comes from the Middle Age language families of Prakrit and Apabhramsha in or around the early 17th century.
Beauty Factor: No offense to other Indian languages, since English probably isn't a pretty language when spoken by Americans, but Hindi is just a gorgeous language. I'm sure you've all heard it, so what makes it so resplendent? The numerous amount of stop consanants that are inflected by pushing the tongue against the upper teeth. This makes for the pleasant sounds usually heard whenever you can smell curry, which is actually quite delicious. Many sounds that are much higher in pitch are found in Hindi as well. Don't be fooled though: this pitch gives it a unique, beauty that is rare and actually quite sexy.
Sounds Like: An rose petal falling from the sky and landing on the tip of a pretty girl's nose.
Hindi is better served with half naked attractiveness:
3. Danish
Language Type and Origin: A North Germanic language in the Germanic branch of Indo-European language family. Widespread use started around the 12th Century.
Beauty Factor: Danish is a very quaint language. The dialect almost pushes out words rather than speaking them, making it a very unique and special language. (By the way, what doesn't Denmark do?) There are many irregular verbs in the Danish language, which are very easy to conjugate, but often come out like Neil Patrick Harris in a closet. It's easier to write than pronounce, since many vowels and consanants from native speakers are silenced. The Danish "stod" phonology is what makes the lovely sounds, with almost every word emphasized. It makes the language very rough and manly. And I hear Copenhagen is just as pretty.
Sounds Like: The crispy sound of a heated up raspberry danish crackling between your teeth on a cold winter Saturday.
Not sure if the singer is attractive but the video surely will make you in the mood for some danish:
2. Dutch
Language Type and Origin: Western and Northern Germanic language, closely associated with English and German. Use began in the 5th century AD, when people didn't care about how ugly was your face was and saw all the inner beauty of everyone.
Beauty Factor: If you've never heard Dutch, then your ears have been unfortunately spared from "eardrum heaven." Almost every word ends with a "t" sound, with a hint of sunshine. There are lots of v's and d's, along with tons of stress, as Dutch is a stress language. Stress is sometimes the only difference between sex and the Dutch language. Presumably due to the years of legal marijuana smoking, coupled with cigarette smoking and techno music, Dutch people speak very fast and often silence letters for a better flow. Let me tell you something: three beautiful things flow in Holland, where Dutch is the official language: the canals and smoke into your lungs and the consonants that form pure bliss. There are words that end in 4 consonants that would make your head explode because of their sheer raw power. There are also many "fricative" consonants, which sound like the "ch" in Bach if you say it while your clearing your throat. The only reason pot is legal in Holland is because people want to hear intellectual conversations in Dutch more than anything ever. Even oral sex.
Sound like: The roar of the home crowd when your favorite team scores the winner.
Here's a perfect video: hot Dutch DJ Bridget Maasland kissing another hot dj with dutch speaking:
1. Hebrew
Language Type and Origin: A Semitic, Afro-Asiatic language founded on beauty, love, and pure, unadulterated puffy white clouds.
Beauty Factor: What a spectacular language! Ironically, words cannot describe the Hebrew language: it's that stunning. The dazzling inflection put on words gives a tone that might remind one of the angelic voice of Whitney Houston before she did crack. The alluring appeal of Hebrew can be found in the spectacular attention to vocal patterns and combining the right pitch with an even righter sexiness. It's why Jewish people are so successful in entertainment: they simply have the best voices. It's no joke ladies and mensch's: Hebrew is the most beautiful language. And instead of racially slandering the Hebrew language I'll tell a funny joke: How many Jewish people can fit in a Volkswagen Beetle? 6. The VW only has 5 seats but since Jewish people are so skinny and beautiful, they can fit one extra Jewish person in there.
Zing!
Sounds Like: Some pretty brunette kissing you on the lips that taste like strawberries and cream.
To be fair to the Jews, here's Natalie Portman speaking Hebrew, one of many people on Earth that can make it sound pretty:
I hoped YOU liked my rewrites. And YOU know who YOU are. But anyways, I hope everyone enjoyed and were thoroughly captivated by my spectacular prose. I must go. But I know I can go without worry, since I know now that you are thinking about Hebrew. And Hebrew is breathtaking. So catch your breath for now...and I'll be back in no time.
5. Albanian
Language Type and Origin: Indo-Eburopean language derived from extinct Illyrian language that were spoken in the Baltics. The earliest known Albanian speakers were from the 2nd Century, AD.
Beauty Factor: What makes Albanian an favorable language is that it's a very aggressive language. There are many palatal stops and putting strong inflection on many letters, such as v, m, n, b, and many others. There are lots of words that also emphasize "sh" and with the accent they have it sounds heavenly. There are also verbs that are conjugated based on moods that people are in. Listening to the language, it seems like the Albanians are a very happy people.. Plus, I worked with Albanians for 2 years, so I was lucky enough to hear it on a daily basis.
Sounds like: A Greek person speaking a mix of Italian and Russian. Also sounds like someone in a constant state of awesomeness.
Here's Albanian singer Poni making me want to "Dil Moj Dil.":
4. Hindi
Language Type and Origin: Indo-Aryan Language evolved from the Sanskrit writing system. Comes from the Middle Age language families of Prakrit and Apabhramsha in or around the early 17th century.
Beauty Factor: No offense to other Indian languages, since English probably isn't a pretty language when spoken by Americans, but Hindi is just a gorgeous language. I'm sure you've all heard it, so what makes it so resplendent? The numerous amount of stop consanants that are inflected by pushing the tongue against the upper teeth. This makes for the pleasant sounds usually heard whenever you can smell curry, which is actually quite delicious. Many sounds that are much higher in pitch are found in Hindi as well. Don't be fooled though: this pitch gives it a unique, beauty that is rare and actually quite sexy.
Sounds Like: An rose petal falling from the sky and landing on the tip of a pretty girl's nose.
Hindi is better served with half naked attractiveness:
3. Danish
Language Type and Origin: A North Germanic language in the Germanic branch of Indo-European language family. Widespread use started around the 12th Century.
Beauty Factor: Danish is a very quaint language. The dialect almost pushes out words rather than speaking them, making it a very unique and special language. (By the way, what doesn't Denmark do?) There are many irregular verbs in the Danish language, which are very easy to conjugate, but often come out like Neil Patrick Harris in a closet. It's easier to write than pronounce, since many vowels and consanants from native speakers are silenced. The Danish "stod" phonology is what makes the lovely sounds, with almost every word emphasized. It makes the language very rough and manly. And I hear Copenhagen is just as pretty.
Sounds Like: The crispy sound of a heated up raspberry danish crackling between your teeth on a cold winter Saturday.
Not sure if the singer is attractive but the video surely will make you in the mood for some danish:
2. Dutch
Language Type and Origin: Western and Northern Germanic language, closely associated with English and German. Use began in the 5th century AD, when people didn't care about how ugly was your face was and saw all the inner beauty of everyone.
Beauty Factor: If you've never heard Dutch, then your ears have been unfortunately spared from "eardrum heaven." Almost every word ends with a "t" sound, with a hint of sunshine. There are lots of v's and d's, along with tons of stress, as Dutch is a stress language. Stress is sometimes the only difference between sex and the Dutch language. Presumably due to the years of legal marijuana smoking, coupled with cigarette smoking and techno music, Dutch people speak very fast and often silence letters for a better flow. Let me tell you something: three beautiful things flow in Holland, where Dutch is the official language: the canals and smoke into your lungs and the consonants that form pure bliss. There are words that end in 4 consonants that would make your head explode because of their sheer raw power. There are also many "fricative" consonants, which sound like the "ch" in Bach if you say it while your clearing your throat. The only reason pot is legal in Holland is because people want to hear intellectual conversations in Dutch more than anything ever. Even oral sex.
Sound like: The roar of the home crowd when your favorite team scores the winner.
Here's a perfect video: hot Dutch DJ Bridget Maasland kissing another hot dj with dutch speaking:
1. Hebrew
Language Type and Origin: A Semitic, Afro-Asiatic language founded on beauty, love, and pure, unadulterated puffy white clouds.
Beauty Factor: What a spectacular language! Ironically, words cannot describe the Hebrew language: it's that stunning. The dazzling inflection put on words gives a tone that might remind one of the angelic voice of Whitney Houston before she did crack. The alluring appeal of Hebrew can be found in the spectacular attention to vocal patterns and combining the right pitch with an even righter sexiness. It's why Jewish people are so successful in entertainment: they simply have the best voices. It's no joke ladies and mensch's: Hebrew is the most beautiful language. And instead of racially slandering the Hebrew language I'll tell a funny joke: How many Jewish people can fit in a Volkswagen Beetle? 6. The VW only has 5 seats but since Jewish people are so skinny and beautiful, they can fit one extra Jewish person in there.
Zing!
Sounds Like: Some pretty brunette kissing you on the lips that taste like strawberries and cream.
To be fair to the Jews, here's Natalie Portman speaking Hebrew, one of many people on Earth that can make it sound pretty:
I hoped YOU liked my rewrites. And YOU know who YOU are. But anyways, I hope everyone enjoyed and were thoroughly captivated by my spectacular prose. I must go. But I know I can go without worry, since I know now that you are thinking about Hebrew. And Hebrew is breathtaking. So catch your breath for now...and I'll be back in no time.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Yes, It Started Feeling Like October and Any Time You Want Me, Annie, You Should Indeed Use Your Telescope : The October Mailbag
It's back once again. The featurette that keeps you coming back for more and more, without regard for human decency. What does that even mean? WHO CARES?! Sit back, relax, crack open an ice cold Cranberry Apple Snapple, and enjoy yet another version of what you all know and love. It's The October Mailbag. Just make sure your snapple has a lil' kick to it.
Q: So Mike, What are you going to be for Halloween? An "AA Member"? Ha! All you'd have to do is wear a nametag!
--S. Tyler, East St. Louis, IL.
A: Me and my buddy were planning on being "Len and Bob," the Cubs TV broadcasters. But now I'm thinking I may need to be the guy that kicks your ass.
Q: Can you shed some light on this whole Roman Polanski situation for me and the blog?
--j. Morneau, Minneapolis, MN.
A: I don't really want to be a downer, but I will shed a teeny bit o' light on it. See Polanski is a great director. Without him, we wouldn't have Chinatown, Rosemary's Baby, or The Pianist. But here's the scoop: he drugged up a 13 year old on champagne and Quaaludes, took naked pictures of her, and raped her. Anyone that says he doesn't deserve to rot in jail for the rest of his life is an idiot. Any Hollywood figure that supports him because he makes great movies is a douchebag and should get an "aiding and abetting" charge. Hell, I hope Polanski lives til he's 115 just so he gets the sentence he deserves.
Q: Hey drunkstuff, what would the price of beer need to be at a bar for you to just say: "You know what? I'm not drinking tonight."
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Um...in this economy, almost any price is too much. But seriously, if I had a full wallet and was out, the highest price for a beer that I'd pay would be $5. And I'm talking for like a Guinness or 312. Not PBR. I'm not a total sucker. Although I did get a free sucker from the bank today. It was green apple. Not gonna lie, totally made my day.
Q: Say you're out for your birthday. Your buddy buys you a shot of a whiskey or something that you've always wanted to try that's like $40 a shot. Some drunk guy just comes up and takes the shot off the bar. What'd ya do?
--R. Sterling, New York City, NY.
A: First, I'd ask him "What the fuck?" Second, I'd ask him to buy the shot for me. As he would almost definitely not, I would, on behalf of my friend's generosity, order a beer to pour on said man. Then he'd hit me, I'd be knocked down. Then we both would get kicked out of the bar, but since it's my birthday, I'd just walk to a nearby bar. I mean, it's my birthday. A silly lil fight isn't going to ruin it.
Q: Who's the absolute worst and absolute best ESPN sportscaster?
--T. Roosevelt, Helena, MT.
A: The best sportscaster on ESPN, in my opinion, is Tim Kurkijan. I love that man, he could tell me lies about baseball for hours and I'd believe every single one. As for the worst, I would have to say Stuart Scott. I hate that lazy eyed man. Not because of his lazy eye, more because he is such a white-black guy that it's more see through than a wet t-shirt contest. Please, Stu. Embrace you're inner whiteness. "Boo-ya" went out of style in 1999.
Q: Is there a band out there that you would break up with someone for liking them?
--B. Mays, Heaven (or Hell).
A: Me? Probably not. But my loathtred for Nickelback and Creed is almost to the point where I would never let them drive, ever, so I'd pick the music every time. Sorry, those bands are more ear-infection-inducing than me on karaoke night. And anyone who's seen that is probably still taking their meds.
Q: What's the verdict here on drunk texting?
--W. Smith, Bel-Air, CA.
A: Drunk texting is a gloriously terrible thing. On one hand, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. On the other, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. Easy access and the lack of actual talking make it easier to say stupid things and easier to say stuff that we may think of but wouldn't actually say. There's no reason you shouldn't drunk text. It'll just let your true self out into the open. And everyone wants that. Especially potential girl/boy friends.
Q: What TV character would you most want to get drunk with?
--M.Scott, Scranton, PN.
A: All cool Mike Dolan aside, I'm going with my inner nerd here. I would totally love to get drunk with Desmond Hume from LOST. Also, I feel like I've answered this question in a previous mailbag. If I have to explain my answer, then you don't watch LOST. Desmond just straight up rocks the boat that is my life. In a totally bromantic way.
Q: What is the absolute lowest you would go for a free drink? Be honest, I don't want some evasive crap answer.
--V.Vaughn, Crappy Rom-Com Land, Hollywood.
A: I'd dance on a bar without my shirt on without fear of getting kicked out. Is that degrading enough? No? I'd dance on the bar without my shirt on while singing Miley Cyrus. Only for a top shelf cocktail though.
Q: On Monday October 5th, ESPN is attempting to break the record for most times saying "Brett Favre" on a television broadcast. Fair or foul?
--M. Forte, FantasyBustland, IL.
A: Here's what's gonna happen. Let's all pitch in and buy an hour on public access TV and just repeat "BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE ESPN SUCKS BRETT FAVRE" over and over until we break the record. Then, ESPN would have a bad publicity war, especially when I submit the video to Fox Sports. Then, I will be in the Guinness Book of World Records and preserve my legacy of spite and awesomeness. Take that, ESPN, I will beat you at being epically lame.
Q: Have you "kissed a drunk girl"? Would you tell someone "damn you look good and I'm drunk"? Have you ever "blamed it on the al-al-al-alcohol"? Are you "love drunk or hungover"? Are you "dulling the day with a drink in a parking garage by a theatre"?
--E. Brokovich, HoDunk, MS.
A: I love this question. Of course I've kissed a drunk girl, I think a better question is if I kissed a sober one. Of course I would tell someone that, especially if said person was looking mighty fine and I was drunk. Everyone's blamed in on the alcohol, Jaime, it's just one of those things I have to do to live with myself. I'm not hungover and I'm not sure what "love drunk" actually is and I haven't had anything to drink today, so neither? Oh. I will be. Soooooooooooon.
Q: So Tom Arnold and I went out for a beer last night, one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up. Does this one encounter make me gay, considering I was drunk?
--M. Moore, Pretentiousville, Washington DC.
A: Um...you aren't gay. Just desperate.
Q: How many times a week is "too much" when it comes to masturbation? For guys and girls, please.
J. Louis-Dreyfus, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Too much? Listen, nobody likes talking about this in front of the opposite sex. But let's be honest for a second: regardless of personal feelings on the subject, it's a natural thing. I think though, that if you average more than once a day, that's a problem and you should probably start spending your money on drinks for women at bars rather than subscriptions to porn. Just saying. Also, if girls think that guys don't like hearing that they masturbate, they are wrong. Also, just sayin'.
Q: Quick. I'm having a party in 10 minutes and I need an obscene drinking game that nobody's played before to get people so drunk they barely remember being here. GO!
Rev. A. Sharpton, New York City, NY.
A: OK OK OK OK OK....uhhhhh....uhhhh.....HERE I GOT IT! Set up a game of beer pong BUT fill up 4 cups with shots of something. Fill the others up with beer. Have a round robin tournament. OR you could play wine pong (aka Greek Pong), which is equally as mind blowing/erasing.
Q: Who's the one celebrity, that if they died, you would be most shaken by their death?
--W. Goldber, New York City, NY.
A: Wow. Um. I think that if Jay Cutler died, the entire city of Chicago's heads would instantaneously explode out of sheer disbelief. Like, the city would literally lose it. Tears of grown men on the way to work, women OMGing on their cell phones. But not me. Mine would be Morgan Freeman. What? Guy was in Shawshank. Shaw fucking Shank.
Q: If you could meet one person, living or dead, for just one night, but then would never come within 5 miles of him/her again for the rest of your life, who would it be?
K. Nealon, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Andrew McMahon. You ask me this question like I asked it to myself! Ha! The lead singer of Jack's Mannequin/Something Corporate is pretty much my favorite person alive. Although I would have to sacrifice seeing him live, I could never deny the opportunity to sit down with that man. Dude survive cancer and he's still making music with his eyes closed. Fucking hero right there. Ok, back to stuff more people than just me care about.
Q: Why don't more people like, listen to, and respect 3OH!3 more? Their musical talent is ridiculous.
--Chumbuwumba, London, England.
A: Because people are stupid and they just can't respect musical talent when they here it. Radiohead? Led Zepplin? The Beatles? What are people even thinking? Their talent is so lacking it makes William Hung look like a musical genius. 3OH!3 has the courage to just go balls to the wall and go for it. And guess what? They hit it on the nail every damn time.
(This answer sponsored by sarcasm.)
Q: What would be the best idea for a wedding ever? I need to know, since I'm probably getting married soon.
--T. Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: OK, this is weird. But there's this band I like called "The White Tie Affair" and I just think that's the perfect name for a wedding band. So if they played, then if everyone wore White Ties, that would be so awesome I wouldn't even know how to handle all the greatness in the room. Oh, and obviously I'm going to have an open bar, but only if the bartender talks in an Irish/Australian accent all night. Also, my first dance is going to be an acoustic version of "Jack's Mannequin- Made For Each Other." But I haven't really thought about it.
Q: What's a perfect night for you? Also, can you answer this entire question only using Jack's Mannequin lyrics?
J. Kase, Chicago, IL.
A: Ehem, if you please. "This is morning, it's when I spend the most time writing your songs by a palm tree. Hours pass, I wanna hear some music. I deconstruct my thoughts, dulling the day with a drink in my boxcar on the beach. I swim across an ocean, fill our cups and light one up. Hours pass and now there's no turning back. I drink gin and watch the news. Miss Delaney lets me drive her car so I can score an eighth from the lesbians out west in Venice. She's raising hell, I'm coming home from the mansion where i hide. I read your books, but stay out late, here til close. This night's a perfect shade of lights and buzz. I'm weak in the knees, her black designer dress in my car where it's warm. On 3rd street, I see Arizona stars, we made out until the sun came up. Fuck yeah, we can live like this."
(This answer sponsored by how awesome I am.)
Q: What's the best drunk scene in a movie this year?
--S. Seagal, Oakland, CA.
A: The easy answer would be some scene from The Hangover, but you never really seem them drunk. So I'd say the best drunk scene from a movie is when Paul Rudd projectile vomits all over that guy in "I Love You, Man." Or the drunk karaoke scene in "(500) Days Of Summer," the best movie of the year.
Q: Is there any surefire way to get rid of a hangover? I mean, I keep trying different things but nothing works.
K. Orton, Denver, CO.
A: Every hangover is different or everyone would treat hangovers the exact same. Here are the most effective ways of dealing with a hangover: marijuana, caffeine, greasy food, sleep. In that order. (What? Just because my initials are "M.F.D." doesn't mean I'm a Mother Fucking Doctor.)
FINAL QUESTIONNNNNNNNNNN
Q: Say you're out at a club. You're clearly too drunk to dance, but you're dancing, letting loose, whatever. That blonde across the room is eyeing you a little bit. So you go and ask her to dance. You two start making out. Eventually you get back to your place, start fooling around, blah blah blah. What is a proper reaction to reaching down there and "not finding what you expect", so to speak?
--T. Harding, Anchorage, AK.
A: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............whaaaaaaaaaaat? Give me a second to compose myself. Ugh, ok. Um. I would kick her out/leave and take sleeping pills or roofies, pass out, and hope I didn't remember that in the morning. Or I would tape the whole encounter and send it to your boss. Either way, it's up to you. And it's a big big big big big failllllllllure.
Hope you LOL'd enough to be satisfied with this month's mailbag. As always, I apologize if you didn't laugh or cry. Anyways, that's it. As always, I'll see you soon. Stay happy peoples and remember: if you can't laugh at my blog, read it more closely. You're missing something. It's funny as hell.
Bye Bye!
Q: So Mike, What are you going to be for Halloween? An "AA Member"? Ha! All you'd have to do is wear a nametag!
--S. Tyler, East St. Louis, IL.
A: Me and my buddy were planning on being "Len and Bob," the Cubs TV broadcasters. But now I'm thinking I may need to be the guy that kicks your ass.
Q: Can you shed some light on this whole Roman Polanski situation for me and the blog?
--j. Morneau, Minneapolis, MN.
A: I don't really want to be a downer, but I will shed a teeny bit o' light on it. See Polanski is a great director. Without him, we wouldn't have Chinatown, Rosemary's Baby, or The Pianist. But here's the scoop: he drugged up a 13 year old on champagne and Quaaludes, took naked pictures of her, and raped her. Anyone that says he doesn't deserve to rot in jail for the rest of his life is an idiot. Any Hollywood figure that supports him because he makes great movies is a douchebag and should get an "aiding and abetting" charge. Hell, I hope Polanski lives til he's 115 just so he gets the sentence he deserves.
Q: Hey drunkstuff, what would the price of beer need to be at a bar for you to just say: "You know what? I'm not drinking tonight."
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Um...in this economy, almost any price is too much. But seriously, if I had a full wallet and was out, the highest price for a beer that I'd pay would be $5. And I'm talking for like a Guinness or 312. Not PBR. I'm not a total sucker. Although I did get a free sucker from the bank today. It was green apple. Not gonna lie, totally made my day.
Q: Say you're out for your birthday. Your buddy buys you a shot of a whiskey or something that you've always wanted to try that's like $40 a shot. Some drunk guy just comes up and takes the shot off the bar. What'd ya do?
--R. Sterling, New York City, NY.
A: First, I'd ask him "What the fuck?" Second, I'd ask him to buy the shot for me. As he would almost definitely not, I would, on behalf of my friend's generosity, order a beer to pour on said man. Then he'd hit me, I'd be knocked down. Then we both would get kicked out of the bar, but since it's my birthday, I'd just walk to a nearby bar. I mean, it's my birthday. A silly lil fight isn't going to ruin it.
Q: Who's the absolute worst and absolute best ESPN sportscaster?
--T. Roosevelt, Helena, MT.
A: The best sportscaster on ESPN, in my opinion, is Tim Kurkijan. I love that man, he could tell me lies about baseball for hours and I'd believe every single one. As for the worst, I would have to say Stuart Scott. I hate that lazy eyed man. Not because of his lazy eye, more because he is such a white-black guy that it's more see through than a wet t-shirt contest. Please, Stu. Embrace you're inner whiteness. "Boo-ya" went out of style in 1999.
Q: Is there a band out there that you would break up with someone for liking them?
--B. Mays, Heaven (or Hell).
A: Me? Probably not. But my loathtred for Nickelback and Creed is almost to the point where I would never let them drive, ever, so I'd pick the music every time. Sorry, those bands are more ear-infection-inducing than me on karaoke night. And anyone who's seen that is probably still taking their meds.
Q: What's the verdict here on drunk texting?
--W. Smith, Bel-Air, CA.
A: Drunk texting is a gloriously terrible thing. On one hand, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. On the other, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. Easy access and the lack of actual talking make it easier to say stupid things and easier to say stuff that we may think of but wouldn't actually say. There's no reason you shouldn't drunk text. It'll just let your true self out into the open. And everyone wants that. Especially potential girl/boy friends.
Q: What TV character would you most want to get drunk with?
--M.Scott, Scranton, PN.
A: All cool Mike Dolan aside, I'm going with my inner nerd here. I would totally love to get drunk with Desmond Hume from LOST. Also, I feel like I've answered this question in a previous mailbag. If I have to explain my answer, then you don't watch LOST. Desmond just straight up rocks the boat that is my life. In a totally bromantic way.
Q: What is the absolute lowest you would go for a free drink? Be honest, I don't want some evasive crap answer.
--V.Vaughn, Crappy Rom-Com Land, Hollywood.
A: I'd dance on a bar without my shirt on without fear of getting kicked out. Is that degrading enough? No? I'd dance on the bar without my shirt on while singing Miley Cyrus. Only for a top shelf cocktail though.
Q: On Monday October 5th, ESPN is attempting to break the record for most times saying "Brett Favre" on a television broadcast. Fair or foul?
--M. Forte, FantasyBustland, IL.
A: Here's what's gonna happen. Let's all pitch in and buy an hour on public access TV and just repeat "BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE ESPN SUCKS BRETT FAVRE" over and over until we break the record. Then, ESPN would have a bad publicity war, especially when I submit the video to Fox Sports. Then, I will be in the Guinness Book of World Records and preserve my legacy of spite and awesomeness. Take that, ESPN, I will beat you at being epically lame.
Q: Have you "kissed a drunk girl"? Would you tell someone "damn you look good and I'm drunk"? Have you ever "blamed it on the al-al-al-alcohol"? Are you "love drunk or hungover"? Are you "dulling the day with a drink in a parking garage by a theatre"?
--E. Brokovich, HoDunk, MS.
A: I love this question. Of course I've kissed a drunk girl, I think a better question is if I kissed a sober one. Of course I would tell someone that, especially if said person was looking mighty fine and I was drunk. Everyone's blamed in on the alcohol, Jaime, it's just one of those things I have to do to live with myself. I'm not hungover and I'm not sure what "love drunk" actually is and I haven't had anything to drink today, so neither? Oh. I will be. Soooooooooooon.
Q: So Tom Arnold and I went out for a beer last night, one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up. Does this one encounter make me gay, considering I was drunk?
--M. Moore, Pretentiousville, Washington DC.
A: Um...you aren't gay. Just desperate.
Q: How many times a week is "too much" when it comes to masturbation? For guys and girls, please.
J. Louis-Dreyfus, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Too much? Listen, nobody likes talking about this in front of the opposite sex. But let's be honest for a second: regardless of personal feelings on the subject, it's a natural thing. I think though, that if you average more than once a day, that's a problem and you should probably start spending your money on drinks for women at bars rather than subscriptions to porn. Just saying. Also, if girls think that guys don't like hearing that they masturbate, they are wrong. Also, just sayin'.
Q: Quick. I'm having a party in 10 minutes and I need an obscene drinking game that nobody's played before to get people so drunk they barely remember being here. GO!
Rev. A. Sharpton, New York City, NY.
A: OK OK OK OK OK....uhhhhh....uhhhh.....HERE I GOT IT! Set up a game of beer pong BUT fill up 4 cups with shots of something. Fill the others up with beer. Have a round robin tournament. OR you could play wine pong (aka Greek Pong), which is equally as mind blowing/erasing.
Q: Who's the one celebrity, that if they died, you would be most shaken by their death?
--W. Goldber, New York City, NY.
A: Wow. Um. I think that if Jay Cutler died, the entire city of Chicago's heads would instantaneously explode out of sheer disbelief. Like, the city would literally lose it. Tears of grown men on the way to work, women OMGing on their cell phones. But not me. Mine would be Morgan Freeman. What? Guy was in Shawshank. Shaw fucking Shank.
Q: If you could meet one person, living or dead, for just one night, but then would never come within 5 miles of him/her again for the rest of your life, who would it be?
K. Nealon, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Andrew McMahon. You ask me this question like I asked it to myself! Ha! The lead singer of Jack's Mannequin/Something Corporate is pretty much my favorite person alive. Although I would have to sacrifice seeing him live, I could never deny the opportunity to sit down with that man. Dude survive cancer and he's still making music with his eyes closed. Fucking hero right there. Ok, back to stuff more people than just me care about.
Q: Why don't more people like, listen to, and respect 3OH!3 more? Their musical talent is ridiculous.
--Chumbuwumba, London, England.
A: Because people are stupid and they just can't respect musical talent when they here it. Radiohead? Led Zepplin? The Beatles? What are people even thinking? Their talent is so lacking it makes William Hung look like a musical genius. 3OH!3 has the courage to just go balls to the wall and go for it. And guess what? They hit it on the nail every damn time.
(This answer sponsored by sarcasm.)
Q: What would be the best idea for a wedding ever? I need to know, since I'm probably getting married soon.
--T. Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: OK, this is weird. But there's this band I like called "The White Tie Affair" and I just think that's the perfect name for a wedding band. So if they played, then if everyone wore White Ties, that would be so awesome I wouldn't even know how to handle all the greatness in the room. Oh, and obviously I'm going to have an open bar, but only if the bartender talks in an Irish/Australian accent all night. Also, my first dance is going to be an acoustic version of "Jack's Mannequin- Made For Each Other." But I haven't really thought about it.
Q: What's a perfect night for you? Also, can you answer this entire question only using Jack's Mannequin lyrics?
J. Kase, Chicago, IL.
A: Ehem, if you please. "This is morning, it's when I spend the most time writing your songs by a palm tree. Hours pass, I wanna hear some music. I deconstruct my thoughts, dulling the day with a drink in my boxcar on the beach. I swim across an ocean, fill our cups and light one up. Hours pass and now there's no turning back. I drink gin and watch the news. Miss Delaney lets me drive her car so I can score an eighth from the lesbians out west in Venice. She's raising hell, I'm coming home from the mansion where i hide. I read your books, but stay out late, here til close. This night's a perfect shade of lights and buzz. I'm weak in the knees, her black designer dress in my car where it's warm. On 3rd street, I see Arizona stars, we made out until the sun came up. Fuck yeah, we can live like this."
(This answer sponsored by how awesome I am.)
Q: What's the best drunk scene in a movie this year?
--S. Seagal, Oakland, CA.
A: The easy answer would be some scene from The Hangover, but you never really seem them drunk. So I'd say the best drunk scene from a movie is when Paul Rudd projectile vomits all over that guy in "I Love You, Man." Or the drunk karaoke scene in "(500) Days Of Summer," the best movie of the year.
Q: Is there any surefire way to get rid of a hangover? I mean, I keep trying different things but nothing works.
K. Orton, Denver, CO.
A: Every hangover is different or everyone would treat hangovers the exact same. Here are the most effective ways of dealing with a hangover: marijuana, caffeine, greasy food, sleep. In that order. (What? Just because my initials are "M.F.D." doesn't mean I'm a Mother Fucking Doctor.)
FINAL QUESTIONNNNNNNNNNN
Q: Say you're out at a club. You're clearly too drunk to dance, but you're dancing, letting loose, whatever. That blonde across the room is eyeing you a little bit. So you go and ask her to dance. You two start making out. Eventually you get back to your place, start fooling around, blah blah blah. What is a proper reaction to reaching down there and "not finding what you expect", so to speak?
--T. Harding, Anchorage, AK.
A: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............whaaaaaaaaaaat? Give me a second to compose myself. Ugh, ok. Um. I would kick her out/leave and take sleeping pills or roofies, pass out, and hope I didn't remember that in the morning. Or I would tape the whole encounter and send it to your boss. Either way, it's up to you. And it's a big big big big big failllllllllure.
Hope you LOL'd enough to be satisfied with this month's mailbag. As always, I apologize if you didn't laugh or cry. Anyways, that's it. As always, I'll see you soon. Stay happy peoples and remember: if you can't laugh at my blog, read it more closely. You're missing something. It's funny as hell.
Bye Bye!
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