In Defense of Drunken Tailgating and Hatred for Mitch Albom

Ladies and gentlemen, there has been an attack. An attack on all that is good and holy. I knew it would happen one day but now...a major media figure has joined the attack. And we all are in deep, deep trouble.
That's right, Mitch Albom has denounced drinking before football games. Don't know Mitch? Yes you do. He wrote Tuesdays With Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Him and Oprah are buds. Whatever.

His denouncement came after this YouTube video got popular:


Here's his column: Pretentious Sentimentalist Denounces Drunk Fun.

If you don't want to read it (and you don't), I'll give you the jist. Tailgating should be banned because people get hammered, start fights, and ruin the game for parents with their kids.
Obviously, my blog loves alcohol and drinking it. How shall I deal with this man, who supposedly thinks he gets to judge people who like to drink? With scorn. Harsh, hurtful scorn.

7 Points In Drunk Tailgating's Defense

1. Football Isn't For Kids
What Mitch Would Say: "How can I bring my 14 year old to church if they're serving wine up there?!? Same goes for football!"
My Defense: Football is in no way for kids. It's an adult game. It's violent, there are half-naked women on the sidelines, and it's an intense atmosphere where emotions take over. Any parent that takes a kid to a pro football game is as irresponsible, if not moreso, as the people getting hammered before the game. This isn't baseball. This is an intense, quick moving game where every contest means so much more than in the NBA, NHL, and MLB.

2. Beer Inside the Stadium is Uber-Expensive
What Mitch Would Say: "Detroit needs our hard-earned money! And you aren't even allowed to sell alcohol before noon on Sundays! Do these people hate Detroit?!"
My Defense: Anyone that's gone to sporting event knows how ridiculously overpriced stadium food and drink is. So if I want to get there 3 hours before the game, down a twelve pack, and have a burger, that's my right. Because I paid a shitload of money for that ticket and I want the experience to be as enjoyable as possible. I want to get hammered before I leave the parking lot because there's no chance I'm buying $8 beers for 3 hours. I'm not a Saudi Prince. I can get drunk and full for $15 in the parking lot.

3. The NFL Wants Me To Tailgate
What Mitch Would Say: "How could the NFL condone such drunken sinners? They let people get there up to 3 hours early! What do they think'll happen?!"
My Defense: The NFL faces a problem: their tickets are expensive and watching at home is much more exciting in my beautiful HD, warm house, free food, and as many friends over as I want. Especially with office pools and fantasy football being so popular, people want as much coverage as humanly possible, something that's harder to get while sitting in the stands for 3 hours. Tailgating is half the reason people go to games. Take that away, and you'll lose so much attendance, Dolphins games will turn into Marlins games. Don't let people in the lots til 11? They'll end up sleeping in and watching it at home.

4. Fights Happen Everywhere, Should We Ban Bars, Too?
What Mitch Would Say: "Fighting is dangerous! People that have been drinking since 9 am are going to be hammered and looking for fights! Can't they just enjoy the game with an ice-cold lemonade and hugs?!"
My Defense: People fight sober, people fight even more drunk. Every idiot knows that. Shall we ban getting drunk? Half the reason people ever leave the house is to go out and drink. Sorry if most people aren't as creative as Mitch in their daily activities. Getting drunk is fun. Beer tastes good. And guess what? It tastes even better when you're hanging with your friends, getting excited to go watch your favorite team. People are gonna fight. People get drunk and fight everywhere, it isn't just at football games. Take away tailgating because people are getting too drunk? Please, the one thing I know about the general public is this: we will find ways to get drunk, whether you want us to or not.

5. Have You Seen the Lions Play?
What Mitch Would Say: "How could anyone say that watching Calvin Johnson play wide receiver is better with beer and meat than a Sunny D and PB&J?!?!"
My Defense: There are lots of bad teams. Yet, we're stuck with our tickets. How the hell else are we gonna make the game enjoyable? (I mean, besides weed) It can be painful knowing your team is about to lose, even before kickoff. So you make the best of a bad situation and get blackout drunk, yell at Matt Forte "to get his skinny white ass in the end zone for some fucking fantasy points," and maybe give that blonde your number by writing it on a beer cup and throwing it at her. Watching a shitty team sober is degrading to the human spirit, so adding a little artificial spirit is the best way to go about it.

6. I Don't Watch Football Because I'm a Moralist
What Mitch Would Say: "Why, I can't even believe that the NFL allows so much violence. Can't we just play flag football like I used to do in good ol' Saginaw?!"
My Defense: Listen, Mitch. I, along with the rest of the people that enjoy getting obliterated before football games, don't give two shits what you think of me or my "morally gray habits." If I was moral, I'd stay home and watch Tennis or something. Us drunken idiots that you are speaking out against love being drunken idiots. Often, we know we're being drunken idiots. And we fucking love every second of it. It's much more fun to tell Brett Favre to "Suck Some Purple Dick" after five or six 40's. We thrive on people like you telling us we're wrong--it makes us want to get drunker and be more obnoxious. I'm not going to stop being an drunk idiot because some guy who'd rather be in confession on Sunday afternoon thinks I'm the spawn of Satan because I enjoy alcohol more than church, where I'll hear some 75 year old talk like a monotone drone for an hour. If I wanted that, I start a petition to get Madden and Summerall back in the booth together.

7. It's Tradition
What Mitch Would Say: "Just because it's tradition doesn't mean it's right! Tradition in Malaysia is having 8-year olds make your Nikes for 14 hours a day!"
My Defense: Tradition is important to some people. Inhaling a little heart disease and liver failure every fall Sunday is tradition to some people. And who are you to take that away from them? They aren't telling you to not go to church or to stop sacrificing squirrels to the Gods of Nutville, where you certainly must be from Mitch. People LOVE this. You are trying to take away something people LOVE. For some guys, tailgating with their friends every Sunday might be the only time they get to see those guys since they're married with kids. You're killing friendship, Mitch. Go stick your moral opinions up your tight ass while I beer bong a 40 before Monday Night Football starts.

Whew. That was good to get off my chest. Excuse me, I've got to go eat delicious food and get belligerent with my mother. Because that's our Monday tradition.