Yo yo yo and hey hey hey, it's such a beautiful, beautiful day! Naturally, I've decided to write about death. I've compiled some unusually funny deaths that have had to do with alcohol and, through my eloquence and pure, unadulterated verbosity, you will find them as interesting as I do. Funny Drunk Deaths, let's do it.
George Plantagenet
Date/Age of Death: February 18, 1487 at the age of 28.
Cause of Death: Drowning
The Story: The young Irish Duke was going to be executed for some reason or another. Not to be outdone by his crazy torturers, the genius decided to trap himself in a barrel of wine, drowning in the process. Some believe his death inspired the phrase "like shooting a Duke in a barrel." Others disagree, and claim that anyone who thinks that is retarded...because that's not a real phrase. Not everyone is made to be intelligent, people.
London Beer Flood
Date/Age of Death: Nine people of various age died on October 17, 1814
Cause of Death: Eight drowned, one died of alcohol poisoning.
The Story: Sometime ago in jolly ole London, a rather large container of beer ruptured, spilling 323,000 gallons of beer out into the streets. This would've all been fine and good, except that it was in a poorer area of town where many apartments were situated in basements and underground. The beer flooded a few of these very apartments, where eight people drowned due to being knocked out from the force of the flood and drowning. Miraculously, one man survived this very same thing, but died of alcohol poisoning a few days later. Authorities blame his death on the flood, while some just saw he was hammered and wanted to go for a swim when he got home.
Dylan Thomas
Date/Age of Death: Died November 9, 1953 at the age of 39.
Cause of Death: Alcohol Poisoning or Pneumonia
The Story: Although likely false, folklore has provided us with a wonderful story that--if true--is more badass than dying because you were having sex while sky diving. Thomas was a huge alcoholic. One day, he walked into a bar and ordered something like 18-20 shots of whiskey. He did them CONTINUOUSLY and finished them all, rendering all your drinking accomplishments more moot than an empty soda can. He then lit up a cigarette, told the bartender "Thanks," and walked out of the bar. He then proceeded to pass out right in front of the bar and die of alcohol poisoning. DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT. True words, never written. Gotta respect a man that lives by the words he writes. Except for me, I guess.
Tennessee Williams
Date/Age of Death: Died on February 25, 1983 at the age of 71.
Cause of Death: Choked
The Story: The famous American playwright was checking out of his hotel room when he choked to death on eyedrop bottle cap. He usually held the cap in between his teeth while using the eyedrops. The well-known alcoholic was apparently so drunk that he didn't even realize he was choking until it was too late. He remains the only person to die from choking on a eyedrop cap besides the Teenage Eyedrop Mass Suicide that he inspired in the late 80s. Since then, eyedrops are only used by teenage stoners who don't want their parents to realize they're high. Bitches can tell anyway, bro.
Jimmy Lee Gray
Date/Age of Death: September 2, 1983 at the age of 34
Cause of Death: Sentenced to Death By Gas Chamber
The Story: I'll spare you the reasons WHY Jimmy Lee was being executed, but his crimes warranted the gas chamber according to the state of Mississippi. He was seated in the chamber with a metal rod behind his head. The gas wasn't working as it was supposed, causing Jimmy Lee to spasm and bang his head against the rod and not die for around 10-15 minutes, an eternity in that situation. Mississippi was criticized heavily for the disturbing incident, deservingly so. What does this tale have to do with alcohol? Well, the executioner, on one of the very few days of his life that he would be killing someone in a complicated process, was hammered drunk throughout the execution. Like they say in Mississippi, "Beer's the only solution for workin' an execution."
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Bon Voyage to LOST
Like all great things, LOST must end. And end it has. Whether you loathed loved the finale, at least the ride there was something to cherish. So let me take you back and recap a few "Top 5..." lists regarding my favorite show, which I will miss like a friend. Here are The Top 5 Episodes, Characters, and Unanswered Questions from LOST. This will contain major SPOILERS.
Top 5 Episodes
5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23)
The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation.
Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.
4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8)
Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife.
Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.
3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19)
Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry.
Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."
2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22)
Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways.
Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.
1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5)
Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed.
Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.
Best Characters
5. Daniel Farraday
The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.
4. Benjamin Linus
The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.
3. James "Sawyer" Ford
Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.
2. John Locke
Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.
1. Desmond Hume
Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.
Top 5 Unanswered Questions
5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?
4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?
3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?
2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?
1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?
Top 5 Episodes
5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23)
The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation.
Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.
4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8)
Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife.
Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.
3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19)
Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry.
Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."
2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22)
Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways.
Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.
1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5)
Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed.
Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.
Best Characters
5. Daniel Farraday
The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.
4. Benjamin Linus
The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.
3. James "Sawyer" Ford
Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.
2. John Locke
Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.
1. Desmond Hume
Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.
Top 5 Unanswered Questions
5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?
4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?
3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?
2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?
1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Drunk Guy Yelling At...A Baseball Game
Ever fantasized about just yelling at someone til their head fell off? Ever imagine doing it to an umpire but lack the athletic ability to even make a play that would be considered slightly debatable? Well, lucky for you I'm starting a new segment. It's called Drunk Guy Yelling At.....Over the passing of time, I will have my Drunk alter ego yell at tons of different authority figures. But let's get to it, this is Drunk Guy Yells At...A Baseball Game.
Guy: Man, it's a fucking GREAT day to be at the ballpark! Get my drink on, hit on some hotties, and fucking watch some grown hit balls around like my girl Janelle on the nights she lets me get weird. Man, Wrigley's so great, sun is shining, honey's beaming. Oh yeah, it's gonna be a great fucking day!
(7 Beers Later...)
Guy: Ah, whatever, your tits are too small anyway. I should get back to watching the game, what inning is it? Shit, i think I just spilled beer on that kid.
Guy: I PAID $7 FOR THAT BEER, YOU LITTLE BITCH! IF YOU WERE LEGAL TO RAPE, I'D POLITELY CONSIDER IT! Hey, you got a cigarette? THEN FUCK YOU, I'LL SMOKE WHERE I WANT. I HOPE YOUR TEETHING IS VERY PAINFUL!
Guy: God, I need to get it together. Where am I again? Oh right...the fluckin' Cubs game. What's the score?
Guy: The Cubs are losing?! The Cubs never lose, it must be the Umps fault. HEY UMP! YOUR MOM COULD MAKE THAT CALL BETTER ON A PAYPHONE! Ha I'm hilarious. I'm hungry, I should eat something. HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY!....
(7 minutes later)
Guy: HOT DOG GUY!
Hot Dog Guy: What can I get you?
Guy: Can I get some pizza?
Hot Dog Guy: I'm the hot dog vendor.
Guy: I SAID PIZZA ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! FUCK YOU!
(pukes on kid in front of him)
Guy: WHY'D YOU GET IN THE WAY OF MY PROJECTILE YOU LITTLE WHORE?! THAT WAS AN EPIC PUKE AND YOUR TESTICLE HEAD GOT IN THE WAY!
PA Announcer: Now batting for the Cubs, Starlin Castro.
Guy: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?! HEY CASTRO, YOU LOOK LIKE MY MOM ADOPTED YOUR DAD AND HAD SEX WITH HIM WHILE EATING LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD! (nudges guy next to him) AM I RIGHT? HUH? YEAH I'M FUCKING RIGHT, OF COURSE I'M RIGHT! THEY SHOULD BRING BACK FUCKIN' RYNE SANTOBERG! MAN, I"VE GOT TO PEE WORSE THAN THAT KID WITH THE FUCKIN' PUKE ON HER. HEY KID! CLEAN YOURSELF OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
(kid cries)
Guy: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shit, the crowd's cheering. WHOOOOO GO CUBS! HEY, GUY NEXT TO ME, REMEMBER WHEN THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES A FEW YEARS AGO?
Other Guy: That was the White Sox.
Guy: Then why was I so excited then? Ahh, whatever. Oh shit, security's coming. TIME TO FUCKING BOOK!
Guy: WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, UMP? NEVER SEEN A MAN THONG? I GOT IT ON SALE FOR $4.99 AT KOHLS DOUCHEHOLE! WHOOOO!!
(Is tackled by large security guard, ruptures spleen while air guitaring to "Turn My Swag On" while standing on the pitcher's mound)
Guy: Ow! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, JOSE LIMA, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!
Guy: Man, it's a fucking GREAT day to be at the ballpark! Get my drink on, hit on some hotties, and fucking watch some grown hit balls around like my girl Janelle on the nights she lets me get weird. Man, Wrigley's so great, sun is shining, honey's beaming. Oh yeah, it's gonna be a great fucking day!
(7 Beers Later...)
Guy: Ah, whatever, your tits are too small anyway. I should get back to watching the game, what inning is it? Shit, i think I just spilled beer on that kid.
Guy: I PAID $7 FOR THAT BEER, YOU LITTLE BITCH! IF YOU WERE LEGAL TO RAPE, I'D POLITELY CONSIDER IT! Hey, you got a cigarette? THEN FUCK YOU, I'LL SMOKE WHERE I WANT. I HOPE YOUR TEETHING IS VERY PAINFUL!
Guy: God, I need to get it together. Where am I again? Oh right...the fluckin' Cubs game. What's the score?
Guy: The Cubs are losing?! The Cubs never lose, it must be the Umps fault. HEY UMP! YOUR MOM COULD MAKE THAT CALL BETTER ON A PAYPHONE! Ha I'm hilarious. I'm hungry, I should eat something. HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY!....
(7 minutes later)
Guy: HOT DOG GUY!
Hot Dog Guy: What can I get you?
Guy: Can I get some pizza?
Hot Dog Guy: I'm the hot dog vendor.
Guy: I SAID PIZZA ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! FUCK YOU!
(pukes on kid in front of him)
Guy: WHY'D YOU GET IN THE WAY OF MY PROJECTILE YOU LITTLE WHORE?! THAT WAS AN EPIC PUKE AND YOUR TESTICLE HEAD GOT IN THE WAY!
PA Announcer: Now batting for the Cubs, Starlin Castro.
Guy: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?! HEY CASTRO, YOU LOOK LIKE MY MOM ADOPTED YOUR DAD AND HAD SEX WITH HIM WHILE EATING LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD! (nudges guy next to him) AM I RIGHT? HUH? YEAH I'M FUCKING RIGHT, OF COURSE I'M RIGHT! THEY SHOULD BRING BACK FUCKIN' RYNE SANTOBERG! MAN, I"VE GOT TO PEE WORSE THAN THAT KID WITH THE FUCKIN' PUKE ON HER. HEY KID! CLEAN YOURSELF OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
(kid cries)
Guy: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shit, the crowd's cheering. WHOOOOO GO CUBS! HEY, GUY NEXT TO ME, REMEMBER WHEN THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES A FEW YEARS AGO?
Other Guy: That was the White Sox.
Guy: Then why was I so excited then? Ahh, whatever. Oh shit, security's coming. TIME TO FUCKING BOOK!
Guy: WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, UMP? NEVER SEEN A MAN THONG? I GOT IT ON SALE FOR $4.99 AT KOHLS DOUCHEHOLE! WHOOOO!!
(Is tackled by large security guard, ruptures spleen while air guitaring to "Turn My Swag On" while standing on the pitcher's mound)
Guy: Ow! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, JOSE LIMA, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is one of those holidays. But they certainly deserve it...more so than their kids, usually. But kind of mom do you have? Is she a crazy alcoholic? A tame homebody? Either way, you love your mom. How do you know which booze to buy your mom for Mother's Day? Well, I've put together a handy little guide that should steer you towards a successful Mother's Day gift. Mother's Day Shopping at the Liquor Store.
Beer
Class.
If Your Mom Is... She's an old school lady. Oh, she enjoys to let the good times roll, alright. She has beer mugs, not wine glasses. Amaretto? What the hell is that?, she'll say. She'll be watching the game with her boys, just one of the guys in actuality. Good marrying material? Eh, probably not. But that doesn't mean she's not good in the sack ALL NIGHT LONG. For other guys I mean. Not for her kids, that'd be gross.
Wine
What Every Mom Should Strive to Be
If Your Mom Is... A classy woman, indeed. She just wants to pop open a bottle of red and turn on Celebrity Apprentice. Maybe she doesn't go out as much as she used to, but that's ok: those days are behind her. Not only is wine classier, it has more alcohol. And if she has the wine glasses that my mom has, then its more than enough to polish off a bottle (or two) on the right night (Tuesday-Sunday).
Vodka/Gin/Rum
Kanye Raised You, Bitch
If You're Mom Is... Clearly, this woman has lost all inhibition. If your mom is still drinking clear alcohol, then she is likely an alcoholic. Years of child-rearing have worn her out to the point where she just doesn't give a crap anymore. The only reason she still takes her kids to the park is because her flask sets off the metal detector at the library. And nobody reads. Except for this, hopefully. Nothing wrong with a woman who likes her martinis. It's just that she's probably a boozy hooker-like woman.
Tequila/Whiskey/Something Stronger
You Should Probably Make Up For Being On the Cover, Anyway....
If Your Mom Is... Borderline insane. What MOM drinks tequila or whiskey? That's a man's drink, honey. Here's the kind of woman that you meet and she sips whiskey, seems awesome, and is great in the sack. You know how those women end up? Crazy. They know your e-mail password, take every word you say out of context, and blow up if you pet her dog the wrong way. If she wants whiskey, you should buy her Xanax instead and crush it up into her oatmeal.
Weed
Perfection
If Your Mom Is... Cool. Your mom is super cool. Buy her a gram and turn on her old Janis Joplin records or whatever hippies listened to, light up a J and turn on Spongebob. Happy Mother's Day? Oh yeah, that's a Happy Anyone's Day.
Beer
Class.If Your Mom Is... She's an old school lady. Oh, she enjoys to let the good times roll, alright. She has beer mugs, not wine glasses. Amaretto? What the hell is that?, she'll say. She'll be watching the game with her boys, just one of the guys in actuality. Good marrying material? Eh, probably not. But that doesn't mean she's not good in the sack ALL NIGHT LONG. For other guys I mean. Not for her kids, that'd be gross.
Wine
What Every Mom Should Strive to BeIf Your Mom Is... A classy woman, indeed. She just wants to pop open a bottle of red and turn on Celebrity Apprentice. Maybe she doesn't go out as much as she used to, but that's ok: those days are behind her. Not only is wine classier, it has more alcohol. And if she has the wine glasses that my mom has, then its more than enough to polish off a bottle (or two) on the right night (Tuesday-Sunday).
Vodka/Gin/Rum
Kanye Raised You, BitchIf You're Mom Is... Clearly, this woman has lost all inhibition. If your mom is still drinking clear alcohol, then she is likely an alcoholic. Years of child-rearing have worn her out to the point where she just doesn't give a crap anymore. The only reason she still takes her kids to the park is because her flask sets off the metal detector at the library. And nobody reads. Except for this, hopefully. Nothing wrong with a woman who likes her martinis. It's just that she's probably a boozy hooker-like woman.
Tequila/Whiskey/Something Stronger
You Should Probably Make Up For Being On the Cover, Anyway....If Your Mom Is... Borderline insane. What MOM drinks tequila or whiskey? That's a man's drink, honey. Here's the kind of woman that you meet and she sips whiskey, seems awesome, and is great in the sack. You know how those women end up? Crazy. They know your e-mail password, take every word you say out of context, and blow up if you pet her dog the wrong way. If she wants whiskey, you should buy her Xanax instead and crush it up into her oatmeal.
Weed
PerfectionIf Your Mom Is... Cool. Your mom is super cool. Buy her a gram and turn on her old Janis Joplin records or whatever hippies listened to, light up a J and turn on Spongebob. Happy Mother's Day? Oh yeah, that's a Happy Anyone's Day.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Yes, I've Been Caught Masturbating Before But It's Not As Embarrassing As You Think And Other Strange Admissions: The May Maylbag
Hey oh Hey oh, welcome back to the segment that most of know, love, cherish, and sometimes touch yourself to, the Mailbag! This month is a special mailbag, The Maylbag will consist only of questions regarding sex. Oh yeah. Sex. And alcohol. Be about it. Now, if you'll excuse the introduction, it's time to get down to business. Here's the Sexy May Maylbag. As always, these are real questions from fake readers. Onward!
Q: If you could be one body part during sex, what would you be?
--D. Bryant's Mom, Dallas, TX.
A: Hmmm. I think I would be one of the kneecaps. Think about it: you get to see everything that's going on. Although I do have bad knees so it might hurt to be a knee. Ugh. Maybe I'd be a boob. That's pretty much been my dream anyway.
Q: What would be better place to have sex: firing range or hood of a Lamburghini?
--Z. Braff, Oakland, CA.
A: In the moment, it has to be the firing range. There is just something that turns people on being in a firing range, let me tell you. They get that rush of adreneline from shooting the gun. Shooting that paper guy wettens the pussy. Trust me. (Ed.'s Note: Trusting Michael is misguided and dangerous. Do not trust him.)
Q; Is there any way to turn sex into a drinking game? HELP!
--B. Levinson, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Well that is just a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's set it up like this: it'd have to be shots, because, unless you're Sting, sex probably won't last much longer than a half-hour, if that. Take a shot every time you switch positions. Take a shot every time the girl orgasms. Take a shot every time something unusual in introduced (this is entirely up to you, as to what is unusual. I'm not a judger, I'm a smudger. Uhhhh...) And finally, take two shots for every time someone else's name is screamed during sex. That's always the funnest thing. You'll need the booze if that happens.
Q: When is it OK to go from ass-to-mouth? I only ask because people poop out of their butts and I just watched "The Human Centipede."
--Koko the Monkey, San Diego, CA.
A: I certainly didn't need to know anything about your poop but thanks. I say there's nothing wrong with almost any sexual act as long as it's consensual and I don't have to watch fat people do it. But that's just me.
Q: Recently, I saw Jay Cutler out a bar in the city when I was with my girlfriend. That being said, who would be the worst athlete that you a significant could ever cheat on you with?
--B. Rapelsberger, Pittsburgh, PA.
A: I suppose if you have to be cheated on, it's at least a good story for your girl to do it with a professional athlete. Does Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, count? Cause if it does, then it's him by a million miles. That or Joakim Noah. Really? Noah? Why didn't you just cheat on me with a mustached lesbian?
Q: I was thinking about perhaps the Cubs one day winning the World Series and a thought crossed my head: Would I even want to drink during it? Wouldn't you want to recall every feeling, every emotion as the team has tortured you for so long?
--J Cochran, HeavenOrHell
A: Or you could make one of the best moments in the history of your sports fandom even better by a little beer and whiskey. I think that'd be pretty boring not to. If the Cubs won the World Series, the entire city might literally stop working for a week just to get hammered and drink away the 3 billion years it took to actually win it. God I hate the Cubs. But I love them. Fuck them though.
Q: I just had dinner at your mom's house. Let's just say she cooked some good sausage.
--T. Woods, Helena, MT.
A: My mom has a dick? Sounds like the jokes on you, buddy!
Q: What would you least want to be walked in on: masturbating, giving oral sex, or drinking alone?
--J. Appleseed, Hartford, CT.
A: Seeing as how this is a blog about drinking, I've already gotten caught drinking alone and in my family thats like drinking water. I think I'd least want to get caught masturbating. At least oral sex, you're not a loser, pleasing someone else and all. Masturbating, you're just sitting there by yourself playing with yourself...you should be ashamed of yourself.
Q: Which branch of military in the world would you most want to drink with?
--B. Mac, Deadville
A: Do I get to do it in that country? If so, then the Brazilian National Guard in Rio. If not, then it'd the South Korean Border Patrol. That must be the most boring job of all time. I'd like to cheer them up a little bit.
Q: What are the Top 5 Worst Things A Guy Could Hear From A Girl Say During Sex?
--K. Cattrall, New York , NY.
A: Yikes. OK.
5. "Is that it?"
4. "Wait...are you sure it's in?"
3. "It's ok, it happens to alot of guys"
2. "That's OK, you can stop."
1. "IMPREGNATE ME!"
Q: How bad does a country have to be to not wanna tell anyone you had sex with a girl from it?
--B. Urlacher, Spokane, WA.
A: I'm not sure, I think I'd say the girl's race no matter where she was from, just for the novelty of it. Like, how many people do you know have had sex with a Mongolian girl? Probably none, that's how many.
Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me. How do I get back in the game after so long and get after it again?
--G. Cooper, Fon Du Lac, WI.
A: As I do with most questions that "come in," I suggest you get hammered and have some meaningless sex.
Q: There is a hot Latino girl in my building. She looks early 20s and she comes home drunk an awful lot. Anyways, I'm a single dad and she keeps waking up my kids on Saturday night. What should I do about this?
--J. Smith, Boston, MA.
A: First of all, if you pass up the chance to sleep with this drunk Latina girl in her 20s I will kill myself. If you really want her to shut up on Saturday night, alot of girls enjoy being gagged or choked. I hate your kids and I hate you. SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN ALREADY.
Q: What is the least fruity fruit to put in beer or cocktails?
--J. Leno, New York NY.
A: I've never been a supporter of fruit-in-beer but if I had to pick one it would be pineapple. Find someone you hate. Throw a lime at someone and see if it hurts, then throw a pineapple at someone and see if it hurts. I think you will be more satisfied with the pineapple.
Q; My boyfriend is on his iPhone ALL THE TIME. No matter what we're doing, it seems like he's always on another App, checking sports scores, or whatever. EVEN RIGHT AFTER SEX! How do I get him to put down the phone more and pay attention to meeeee?
--J. Mayer, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: Have you tried the iPhone? It's delightful. It's got music, apps, and all the ammenities of a regular phone. Your phone is probably a POS. DON'T JUDGE THE SEXINESS OF THE IPHONE. I suggest you get a Kindle so that you can read in front of him. I suspect he will become so annoyed that he will put down the iPhone and start having more sex with you. That's right folks. The secret to getting ass is buying a Kindle.
Q: So when you're out and drinking alot, you're gonna have alot of beer, which is a bit of a pooper-instigator. What's the protocol on pooping at a girls house if it's your first time hooking up?
--D. Patrick, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Ahh, the hook-up poop. Is there a worse poop? Not only do you have to poop in a girl your about to hook up with's toilet, but you have to make sure there's no evidence, visible or olfactory wise. It's a nightmare poop. But it's better than pooping in the bar bathroom. Ugh. You can decide between Venereal Disease or embarrassment. Herpes or no sex. Poop in her pooper, spray some Lysol, and pray to god she doesn't have to go herself.
Q: How come overage girls are allowed to swoon over the underage Justin Bieber and have it not seem creepy but if an overage guy was doing it about Miley Cyrus or some other underage celebrity chick, it'd be just plan creepy? If women want equality in the workplace, schools, and homes, why shouldn't they be subjected to the same societal taboos that men are? Fuck this.
--O. Winfrey, Ft. Lauderdale, FL.
A: Good point. Isn't Justin Bieber a lesbian? That's what I always thought. I believe there was a South Park episode about this type of thing. The kids reported that their little brother was having sex with his teacher and all the cops just said "niceee." It's unfortunate that girls are allowed to feel this way, but it is creepy that they do. They can get away with it more, but it's still CREEPY AS FUCK to be swooning over a 17-year old who is JUST NOW going through puberty. So even if most people think it's not creepy, it still is. It's very weird and creepy. I'd like to punch that kid in the vagina for his crappy music.
Q: How unacceptable is it to get drunk at a WNBA game and constantly scream "IT"S LADIESSSSSSSS NIGHT!"? I mean, there aren't THAT many kids there.
--Bro, LA, CA.
A: Hell, if you had to go, I guess that'd be the way to do it. Although I'd rather just stay at home, get drunk, and make witty comments about how ESPN has an hilarious new sitcom called "Women's Sports."
Q: What would be a better story: having sex outside in a thunderstorm and getting hit by lightning or having a threesome with two Playboy Playmates in the Grotto?
--H. Hefner, San Bernardo, CA.
A: My dick is like LIGHTNING! Yes, definitely the thunderstorm. I don't think I've ever heard of a better way to die. "Here Lies Michael Dolan, who died mid-coitus from a lightning strike." Best tombstone ever.
Q: How long does pubic hair have to be for it to be acceptable to refuse to give oral sex?
--N. Armstrong, Space.
A: My philosophy is that if it's longer/hairier than yours, you can judge it any way you want to. It's not your fault their lazy. Who wants hair in their mouth? It should be enough that you're willing to give oral sex to someone, it shouldn't involve venturing through the enchanted forest. Shave your fucking private parts, people.
Q: I heard you're having some mad sex tonight. How unacceptable is it for couples to talk about their sex lives to their single friends? Is it just plain annoying?
--L. Machido, UFC Center.
A: Listen, an active healthy sex life is very normal for any couple to have. But that's probably who should have it. Your friends don't want to hear about you having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday, even if I accidently say it somehow. It's probably annoying, but you know who's more annoying? Friends who're complaining about not getting laid.
Q: If you could be one body part during sex, what would you be?
--D. Bryant's Mom, Dallas, TX.
A: Hmmm. I think I would be one of the kneecaps. Think about it: you get to see everything that's going on. Although I do have bad knees so it might hurt to be a knee. Ugh. Maybe I'd be a boob. That's pretty much been my dream anyway.
Q: What would be better place to have sex: firing range or hood of a Lamburghini?
--Z. Braff, Oakland, CA.
A: In the moment, it has to be the firing range. There is just something that turns people on being in a firing range, let me tell you. They get that rush of adreneline from shooting the gun. Shooting that paper guy wettens the pussy. Trust me. (Ed.'s Note: Trusting Michael is misguided and dangerous. Do not trust him.)
Q; Is there any way to turn sex into a drinking game? HELP!
--B. Levinson, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Well that is just a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's set it up like this: it'd have to be shots, because, unless you're Sting, sex probably won't last much longer than a half-hour, if that. Take a shot every time you switch positions. Take a shot every time the girl orgasms. Take a shot every time something unusual in introduced (this is entirely up to you, as to what is unusual. I'm not a judger, I'm a smudger. Uhhhh...) And finally, take two shots for every time someone else's name is screamed during sex. That's always the funnest thing. You'll need the booze if that happens.
Q: When is it OK to go from ass-to-mouth? I only ask because people poop out of their butts and I just watched "The Human Centipede."
--Koko the Monkey, San Diego, CA.
A: I certainly didn't need to know anything about your poop but thanks. I say there's nothing wrong with almost any sexual act as long as it's consensual and I don't have to watch fat people do it. But that's just me.
Q: Recently, I saw Jay Cutler out a bar in the city when I was with my girlfriend. That being said, who would be the worst athlete that you a significant could ever cheat on you with?
--B. Rapelsberger, Pittsburgh, PA.
A: I suppose if you have to be cheated on, it's at least a good story for your girl to do it with a professional athlete. Does Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, count? Cause if it does, then it's him by a million miles. That or Joakim Noah. Really? Noah? Why didn't you just cheat on me with a mustached lesbian?
Q: I was thinking about perhaps the Cubs one day winning the World Series and a thought crossed my head: Would I even want to drink during it? Wouldn't you want to recall every feeling, every emotion as the team has tortured you for so long?
--J Cochran, HeavenOrHell
A: Or you could make one of the best moments in the history of your sports fandom even better by a little beer and whiskey. I think that'd be pretty boring not to. If the Cubs won the World Series, the entire city might literally stop working for a week just to get hammered and drink away the 3 billion years it took to actually win it. God I hate the Cubs. But I love them. Fuck them though.
Q: I just had dinner at your mom's house. Let's just say she cooked some good sausage.
--T. Woods, Helena, MT.
A: My mom has a dick? Sounds like the jokes on you, buddy!
Q: What would you least want to be walked in on: masturbating, giving oral sex, or drinking alone?
--J. Appleseed, Hartford, CT.
A: Seeing as how this is a blog about drinking, I've already gotten caught drinking alone and in my family thats like drinking water. I think I'd least want to get caught masturbating. At least oral sex, you're not a loser, pleasing someone else and all. Masturbating, you're just sitting there by yourself playing with yourself...you should be ashamed of yourself.
Q: Which branch of military in the world would you most want to drink with?
--B. Mac, Deadville
A: Do I get to do it in that country? If so, then the Brazilian National Guard in Rio. If not, then it'd the South Korean Border Patrol. That must be the most boring job of all time. I'd like to cheer them up a little bit.
Q: What are the Top 5 Worst Things A Guy Could Hear From A Girl Say During Sex?
--K. Cattrall, New York , NY.
A: Yikes. OK.
5. "Is that it?"
4. "Wait...are you sure it's in?"
3. "It's ok, it happens to alot of guys"
2. "That's OK, you can stop."
1. "IMPREGNATE ME!"
Q: How bad does a country have to be to not wanna tell anyone you had sex with a girl from it?
--B. Urlacher, Spokane, WA.
A: I'm not sure, I think I'd say the girl's race no matter where she was from, just for the novelty of it. Like, how many people do you know have had sex with a Mongolian girl? Probably none, that's how many.
Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me. How do I get back in the game after so long and get after it again?
--G. Cooper, Fon Du Lac, WI.
A: As I do with most questions that "come in," I suggest you get hammered and have some meaningless sex.
Q: There is a hot Latino girl in my building. She looks early 20s and she comes home drunk an awful lot. Anyways, I'm a single dad and she keeps waking up my kids on Saturday night. What should I do about this?
--J. Smith, Boston, MA.
A: First of all, if you pass up the chance to sleep with this drunk Latina girl in her 20s I will kill myself. If you really want her to shut up on Saturday night, alot of girls enjoy being gagged or choked. I hate your kids and I hate you. SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN ALREADY.
Q: What is the least fruity fruit to put in beer or cocktails?
--J. Leno, New York NY.
A: I've never been a supporter of fruit-in-beer but if I had to pick one it would be pineapple. Find someone you hate. Throw a lime at someone and see if it hurts, then throw a pineapple at someone and see if it hurts. I think you will be more satisfied with the pineapple.
Q; My boyfriend is on his iPhone ALL THE TIME. No matter what we're doing, it seems like he's always on another App, checking sports scores, or whatever. EVEN RIGHT AFTER SEX! How do I get him to put down the phone more and pay attention to meeeee?
--J. Mayer, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: Have you tried the iPhone? It's delightful. It's got music, apps, and all the ammenities of a regular phone. Your phone is probably a POS. DON'T JUDGE THE SEXINESS OF THE IPHONE. I suggest you get a Kindle so that you can read in front of him. I suspect he will become so annoyed that he will put down the iPhone and start having more sex with you. That's right folks. The secret to getting ass is buying a Kindle.
Q: So when you're out and drinking alot, you're gonna have alot of beer, which is a bit of a pooper-instigator. What's the protocol on pooping at a girls house if it's your first time hooking up?
--D. Patrick, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Ahh, the hook-up poop. Is there a worse poop? Not only do you have to poop in a girl your about to hook up with's toilet, but you have to make sure there's no evidence, visible or olfactory wise. It's a nightmare poop. But it's better than pooping in the bar bathroom. Ugh. You can decide between Venereal Disease or embarrassment. Herpes or no sex. Poop in her pooper, spray some Lysol, and pray to god she doesn't have to go herself.
Q: How come overage girls are allowed to swoon over the underage Justin Bieber and have it not seem creepy but if an overage guy was doing it about Miley Cyrus or some other underage celebrity chick, it'd be just plan creepy? If women want equality in the workplace, schools, and homes, why shouldn't they be subjected to the same societal taboos that men are? Fuck this.
--O. Winfrey, Ft. Lauderdale, FL.
A: Good point. Isn't Justin Bieber a lesbian? That's what I always thought. I believe there was a South Park episode about this type of thing. The kids reported that their little brother was having sex with his teacher and all the cops just said "niceee." It's unfortunate that girls are allowed to feel this way, but it is creepy that they do. They can get away with it more, but it's still CREEPY AS FUCK to be swooning over a 17-year old who is JUST NOW going through puberty. So even if most people think it's not creepy, it still is. It's very weird and creepy. I'd like to punch that kid in the vagina for his crappy music.
Q: How unacceptable is it to get drunk at a WNBA game and constantly scream "IT"S LADIESSSSSSSS NIGHT!"? I mean, there aren't THAT many kids there.
--Bro, LA, CA.
A: Hell, if you had to go, I guess that'd be the way to do it. Although I'd rather just stay at home, get drunk, and make witty comments about how ESPN has an hilarious new sitcom called "Women's Sports."
Q: What would be a better story: having sex outside in a thunderstorm and getting hit by lightning or having a threesome with two Playboy Playmates in the Grotto?
--H. Hefner, San Bernardo, CA.
A: My dick is like LIGHTNING! Yes, definitely the thunderstorm. I don't think I've ever heard of a better way to die. "Here Lies Michael Dolan, who died mid-coitus from a lightning strike." Best tombstone ever.
Q: How long does pubic hair have to be for it to be acceptable to refuse to give oral sex?
--N. Armstrong, Space.
A: My philosophy is that if it's longer/hairier than yours, you can judge it any way you want to. It's not your fault their lazy. Who wants hair in their mouth? It should be enough that you're willing to give oral sex to someone, it shouldn't involve venturing through the enchanted forest. Shave your fucking private parts, people.
Q: I heard you're having some mad sex tonight. How unacceptable is it for couples to talk about their sex lives to their single friends? Is it just plain annoying?
--L. Machido, UFC Center.
A: Listen, an active healthy sex life is very normal for any couple to have. But that's probably who should have it. Your friends don't want to hear about you having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday, even if I accidently say it somehow. It's probably annoying, but you know who's more annoying? Friends who're complaining about not getting laid.
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