Musicians take drugs. Sometimes they write songs about them. Sometimes you don't realize your listening to a song about drugs. Here are 6 Songs About Drugs You Didn't Know Were About Drugs. Please put the bong down for the following post. Leave the vials in the trash kiddies.
6. "Black Balloon" by The Goo Goo Dolls
Drug Referenced: Heroin
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "Baby's black balloon makes her fly." "Comin down, the world turned over." "And I go on as you get colder."
According to the band, the song is about a girl suffering from heroin addiction. Her "black balloon" is her heroin stash, as heroin often comes in balloons. Getting colder and coming down are two notorious symptoms of heroin withdrawl. The song is actually a very sad one and is an ode to one of the band members' former love who died of an heroin overdose. Here is the video with some vague references to drug use if you look closely:
6. "Yellow" by Coldplay
Drug Referenced: Ecstacy
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done, And it was all "Yellow."" "I drew a line, I drew a line for you, Oh what a thing to do"
Coldplay's lead singer Chris Martin and the band may not directly admit this song is about drugs, but let me break it down for you. Ecstacy tablets come in different colors sometimes, including yellow. Although it may sound like a reach here, the "Drew a Line" lyric is very telling, almost as if he's "drawing the line" on drug addiction. The first lyric also indicates some sort of drug use. Believe it or not, I'm right. So there.
4. "Space Oddity" by David Bowie
Drug Referenced: Heroin
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "Take your protein pills and put your helmet on." "And Im floating in a most peculiar way, And the stars look very different today." "Here am I floating round my tin can."
The hidden meaning behind the song has to do with self-destruction and isolation from the world, which is what happens when you become a drug addict. The whole song is a "bad trip" through space that the astronaut is having so far detachted from the world. The man takes the pills and then feels peculiar and floating, looking at the world in a very different way. He's looking at the stars high or looking at them sober for the first time in a long time. Give it a listen and tell me I'm wrong:
3. "Hotel California" by The Eagles
Drug Referenced: Marijuana, Cocaine
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air." "The stab it with their steely knives, But they just can’t kill the beast." "You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave."
Although The Eagles have never admitted what the song is about, good musicians never reveal the meaning behind their lyrics. The song, which I speculate is a referance to drug rehab, mentions "colitas" which is Spanish slang for marijuana. "Steely knives that can't kill the beast" refers to the cutting of cocaine before snorting it. The whole Hotel is a metaphor for drug rehab and the reputation that comes with addiction. You can check out of rehab anytime, but you bring your reputation with you wherever you go. You never really "leave" rehab once your an addict, the rest of your life is about getting clean.
2. "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis
Drug Referenced: Vague, possibly Marijuana or a psychadelic
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "Where were you when we were getting high?" "Caught beneath the landslide."
The lyrics speak for themselves. He wants to know where his love was when he was getting high. A "champagne supernova" could be another term for a "bad trip" or a euphoric state of mind. Although the drugs are not mentioned in even the vaguest sense, it's quite obvious: one of the Gallagher brothers that wrote this song was getting high and drinking champagne. The writer of the song, Noel Gallagher, said he doesn't know what the song was about, which basically means it's about drugs.
1. "There She Goes" by The La's (covered by Sixpence None the Richer)
Drug Referenced: Heroin
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "There she goes again... racing through my brain... pulsing through my vein... no one else can heal my pain"
The La's popular romantic song is actually not so romantic at all. The song is a vague reference to heroin use and self-destruction. The singer is not pointing out that the girl is leaving, rather it's more of a "here we go again" reference and the "she" mentioned is actually heroin racing through the singer's brain and veins. Nothing else can heal my pain? C'mon, heroin is one of the most destructive and strongest painkillers known to man. There is no way to deny that this song, thought to be about a girl, is really about the smack. You know, the white fairy, tecata, the black tar, or the dynamite? Well, if you know all that slang, check into rehab because only an addict would know that many words for heroin. Which begs the question: how do i know them?
(i looked them up on google)
here's the Sixpence None the Richer version, as it's better than the La's, so you can actually hear the heroin references for yourself:
Hope you enjoyed. I'll return after the New Year to recap all the douchebaggery that occured. Until then, Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Shedding Some Light Weight
In our weight-obsessed culture full of fad diets and obesely disgusting people, Hollywood really knows how to pack it on or take it down a notch. Since most actors have personal trainers and cooks, it's not nearly as hard for them to slim down or get buff. However, for some roles, major changes are called for. Changes that will surely lead to health problems later in life. Here it is, Top 7 Weight Changes for a Film.
7. Edward Norton for American History X (1998)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 30 lbs of muscle in 3 months
How'd he do it? For 3 months straight, Norton lifted weights and went on the tasty diet of protein and blended meat shakes, which consist of blended roast beef. Yummy. He also shaved his head and picked up white supremicist habits to be more believable. It worked. He was nominated for an Academy Award for the role, which remains one of the most chilling pieces of acting put on screen in the last 20 years.
Don't believe me or haven't seen it? Check out this clip which can only be described as "haunting":
6. Sylvester Stallone for Cop Land (1997)
Weight Gained/Lost: 40 lbs of fat in about 4-5 months
How'd He Do It? Stallone, who was only paid the minumum for an actor for this role, hung out at a local pancake house and dieted on their giant pancakes to beef up his body for the role of, and here's a shocker, a fat cop. Stallone shocked the world by trying to act but didn't shock anyone when he failed. Not one of his better movies, Stallone should stick to playing renegade heroes and boxing champs that don't require much dialogue.
You can see Stallone's unusually fat ass in this terrible clip:
5. Matt Damon for Courage Under Fire (1996)
Weight Gained/Lost: Lost 40 lbs during making of the film
How'd He Do It? Damon went on a very unhealthy regimen of food deprivation coupled with heavy workouts. In fact, Damon's health was so bad after that he was on constant medical supervision for months after shooting the film. His role in Courage Under Fire, a extremely poor man's Rashoman, which I'm sure you've never heard of, mixed with a little Blackhawk Down, impressed many, including Francis Ford Coppola, director of The Godfather, who casted Damon in his next movie. However, Damon was very lucky his heart didn't shrink and had to take medication for years to correct the damage done.
Losing weight is very healthy in most cases but, in Damon's case, borderline insane. Here is Damon looking deathly thin:
4. Robert DeNiro for Raging Bull (1980)
Weight Gained/Lost: Put on 60 lbs of muscle during filming
How'd He Do It? For DeNiro's best (arguably) performence of his career, he trained with real boxing trainers and hung out with the real Jake Lamotta (whom he was portraying) during the entire shoot of the movie. DeNiro actually fought in 2 real boxing matches and won both. He was rightfully awarded an Academy Award for Best Actor.
DeNiro's performence is nearly flawless and even shocked the real Jake Lamotta who, after watching the movie, asked his wife if he was really like that, to which she replied "You were worse." Glad I didn't live in that house. Here is a pretty telling scene from the movie:
3. Jared Leto for Chapter 27 (2007)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 67 lbs in 3-4 Months
How'd He Do It? To play John Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman, Leto went on a diet that we can only dream of getting away with in reality. To start, he put pints of chocolate Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream in the microwave, melted them, and DRANK THEM! He continued to do this but added olive oil and soy sauce to make himself more bloated. Are you kidding me? He's a vegetarian so he couldn't eat meat but has already lost the weight on an all-liquid diet consisting of maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water.
He also lost 28 lbs to play a heroin addict for Requiem for a Dream and couldn't have sex with then fiance Cameron Diaz for months. Ouch, talk about dedication. Here is Jared, but don't confuse him with Subway Jared:
2. Vincent D'Onofrio for Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 70 lbs of fat, a world record for an acting role
How'd He Do It? In addition to shaving his head, D'Onofrio put on the weight more gradually than most on the list, taking 7 months to secure the most unhealthy role of his career. I'm just going to assume he had a steady diet of junk food, fast food, and no exercise. He had to go through "boot camp"-type training at 280 lbs, messing up his knee. D'Onofrio's, that fat guy from one of the Law and Orders, was visually haunting, as well as terrifying. The role may have inadvertenly triggered a future of fatness instead of his slimmer athletic build he once had.
Here's his disturbing turn as Pvt. Pyle:
1. Christian Bale for The Machinist (2004), Batman Begins (2005) and Rescue Dawn (2006)
Weight Gained/Lost: Lost 63 lbs in 4 months for The Machinist, then gained 100 lbs of muscle in 6 months to play Batman. After that, he lost 55 lbs for his role in Rescue Dawn (2006) soon following Batman.
How'd He Do It? How indeed. For The Machinist, he trimmed down to 120 lbs, the weight of Barry Bonds' head, by eating only salads and apples, smoking cigarettes, chewing gum, and drinking nonfat lattees. He wanted to lose even more but the director, his doctor, and his wife all convinced him otherwise. Bale did not have any trainer of any kind to lose the weight, doing it all on his own. In order to gain the weight to play Batman, Bale underwent rigorous weight training and cardio workouts, as well as eating a shitload of protein along with other high-carbohydrate meals and protein shakes. After beefing up to 200 lbs, Bale accepted the role of captured fighter pilot Steve Jacoby in Rescue Dawn, which called for a 55 lb weight lost. The film was shot in reverse, as Bale gained the weight throughout shooting. If that isn't enough, he also needed to gain that back to star in the movies 3:10 To Yuma, The Prestige, and the new Batman Dark Knight.
Intense to the extreme, one can only hope all this weight loss and gain and loss and gain does not lead to an early death. His total weight fluctuation in the last 3 years is 275 lbs. Here are a few clips showing his weight loss and gain:
6 months later.....
And 1 Year Later.....
And 6 Months Later....
I hope you are not too disgusted with my recent column but now you know the sacrifices that some dedicated actors make to perfect their roles. I do not recommend any of the above. I will be back soon enough to give you another lovely column on something has means actually nothing to your daily life. Until then, adios, Merry Christmas, and, of course, Happy Kwanzaa for my minority readers!
7. Edward Norton for American History X (1998)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 30 lbs of muscle in 3 months
How'd he do it? For 3 months straight, Norton lifted weights and went on the tasty diet of protein and blended meat shakes, which consist of blended roast beef. Yummy. He also shaved his head and picked up white supremicist habits to be more believable. It worked. He was nominated for an Academy Award for the role, which remains one of the most chilling pieces of acting put on screen in the last 20 years.
Don't believe me or haven't seen it? Check out this clip which can only be described as "haunting":
6. Sylvester Stallone for Cop Land (1997)
Weight Gained/Lost: 40 lbs of fat in about 4-5 months
How'd He Do It? Stallone, who was only paid the minumum for an actor for this role, hung out at a local pancake house and dieted on their giant pancakes to beef up his body for the role of, and here's a shocker, a fat cop. Stallone shocked the world by trying to act but didn't shock anyone when he failed. Not one of his better movies, Stallone should stick to playing renegade heroes and boxing champs that don't require much dialogue.
You can see Stallone's unusually fat ass in this terrible clip:
5. Matt Damon for Courage Under Fire (1996)
Weight Gained/Lost: Lost 40 lbs during making of the film
How'd He Do It? Damon went on a very unhealthy regimen of food deprivation coupled with heavy workouts. In fact, Damon's health was so bad after that he was on constant medical supervision for months after shooting the film. His role in Courage Under Fire, a extremely poor man's Rashoman, which I'm sure you've never heard of, mixed with a little Blackhawk Down, impressed many, including Francis Ford Coppola, director of The Godfather, who casted Damon in his next movie. However, Damon was very lucky his heart didn't shrink and had to take medication for years to correct the damage done.
Losing weight is very healthy in most cases but, in Damon's case, borderline insane. Here is Damon looking deathly thin:
4. Robert DeNiro for Raging Bull (1980)
Weight Gained/Lost: Put on 60 lbs of muscle during filming
How'd He Do It? For DeNiro's best (arguably) performence of his career, he trained with real boxing trainers and hung out with the real Jake Lamotta (whom he was portraying) during the entire shoot of the movie. DeNiro actually fought in 2 real boxing matches and won both. He was rightfully awarded an Academy Award for Best Actor.
DeNiro's performence is nearly flawless and even shocked the real Jake Lamotta who, after watching the movie, asked his wife if he was really like that, to which she replied "You were worse." Glad I didn't live in that house. Here is a pretty telling scene from the movie:
3. Jared Leto for Chapter 27 (2007)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 67 lbs in 3-4 Months
How'd He Do It? To play John Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman, Leto went on a diet that we can only dream of getting away with in reality. To start, he put pints of chocolate Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream in the microwave, melted them, and DRANK THEM! He continued to do this but added olive oil and soy sauce to make himself more bloated. Are you kidding me? He's a vegetarian so he couldn't eat meat but has already lost the weight on an all-liquid diet consisting of maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water.
He also lost 28 lbs to play a heroin addict for Requiem for a Dream and couldn't have sex with then fiance Cameron Diaz for months. Ouch, talk about dedication. Here is Jared, but don't confuse him with Subway Jared:
2. Vincent D'Onofrio for Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 70 lbs of fat, a world record for an acting role
How'd He Do It? In addition to shaving his head, D'Onofrio put on the weight more gradually than most on the list, taking 7 months to secure the most unhealthy role of his career. I'm just going to assume he had a steady diet of junk food, fast food, and no exercise. He had to go through "boot camp"-type training at 280 lbs, messing up his knee. D'Onofrio's, that fat guy from one of the Law and Orders, was visually haunting, as well as terrifying. The role may have inadvertenly triggered a future of fatness instead of his slimmer athletic build he once had.
Here's his disturbing turn as Pvt. Pyle:
1. Christian Bale for The Machinist (2004), Batman Begins (2005) and Rescue Dawn (2006)
Weight Gained/Lost: Lost 63 lbs in 4 months for The Machinist, then gained 100 lbs of muscle in 6 months to play Batman. After that, he lost 55 lbs for his role in Rescue Dawn (2006) soon following Batman.
How'd He Do It? How indeed. For The Machinist, he trimmed down to 120 lbs, the weight of Barry Bonds' head, by eating only salads and apples, smoking cigarettes, chewing gum, and drinking nonfat lattees. He wanted to lose even more but the director, his doctor, and his wife all convinced him otherwise. Bale did not have any trainer of any kind to lose the weight, doing it all on his own. In order to gain the weight to play Batman, Bale underwent rigorous weight training and cardio workouts, as well as eating a shitload of protein along with other high-carbohydrate meals and protein shakes. After beefing up to 200 lbs, Bale accepted the role of captured fighter pilot Steve Jacoby in Rescue Dawn, which called for a 55 lb weight lost. The film was shot in reverse, as Bale gained the weight throughout shooting. If that isn't enough, he also needed to gain that back to star in the movies 3:10 To Yuma, The Prestige, and the new Batman Dark Knight.
Intense to the extreme, one can only hope all this weight loss and gain and loss and gain does not lead to an early death. His total weight fluctuation in the last 3 years is 275 lbs. Here are a few clips showing his weight loss and gain:
6 months later.....
And 1 Year Later.....
And 6 Months Later....
I hope you are not too disgusted with my recent column but now you know the sacrifices that some dedicated actors make to perfect their roles. I do not recommend any of the above. I will be back soon enough to give you another lovely column on something has means actually nothing to your daily life. Until then, adios, Merry Christmas, and, of course, Happy Kwanzaa for my minority readers!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Most Wonderful Time of the Year
As people rush to shopping malls and set up their Christmas decorations, they forget that not everyone in the world celebrates Christmas. Most overlook the fact that our beliefs are not universal. After reading this column, you will not be one of those people. Be informed. Be very informed. Here are
6 Religious Holidays Not Named Christmas.
6. Channukah
Celebrated By: Jews everywhere
When: 25th day of Kislev on the Hebrew Calender until 2nd day of Tevet
How's it Celebrated? The Jews set aside 8 days to celebrate the rededication of the Temple in Jerusalem. They only had enough olive oil to light the place for 1 day but it burned on for 8 days. Everyday during Hannukah, the Jews light a candle (one for each day) a half-hour after dark to remind all of the miracle of the holiday. Blessings are said, singing is done, and potato pancakes are eaten. If you really think the Jews aren't that into money, then know that the Jews hand out special Hannukah money to children, presumably so they don't have to share it with the Gentiles.
Here is Adam Sandler's famous Hannukah song if you haven't heard it enough:
5. Kwanzaa
Celebrated By: Disgruntled African-Americans who want their own holiday
When: December 26 until January 1
How's it Celebrated? Families decorate their houses with traditional African art and dressing in African colors. To quote the great Wikipedia: drumming and musical selections, libations, a reading of the "African Pledge" and the Principles of Blackness. Every day the first words said to each other are the Swahili words "Habari Gani", meaning "What's the News?". It is unknown if criminal activity is halted during the week, but doubtful.
Here is a video telling you why you should celebrate Kwanzaa. I suggest watching a Kanye West video instead:
4. Chinese New Year
Celebrated By: Chinese people. In China.
When: Different every year. February 7 in 2008.
How's it Celebrated? Well, the Chinese are a industrious people. They have fireworks, New Year markets, parades, greetings, and oh so much. They have traditional celebrations for the first 15 days of the New Year. Traditions include, but are not limited to: not believing in any god, privately owned businesses, repression of media, and forcibly aborting babies. Also, they have dinners with their families. No word on whether they hold ritual slaughters to celebrate communism.
Here is a Communist montage of the holiday:
3. Diwali
Celebrated By: Religiously by Hindus, Sihks, and Jains. Other Indians celebrate the cultural aspects.
When: 6 days beginning on Indian moon day Kartika. Usually in late October/early November
How's it Celebrated? On the first day, the cow is worshipped. On the second day, people shop for gold. The 3rd day is where it's at during Diwali. People wake up extra early to take an oil bath and put on new clothes. Then they light lamps and candles all around their house to pray to one of their spiritual figures. Then, fireworks are lit, meals are cooked, and parties are thrown. You haven't lived until you've partied with Hindus. Oh man, they can throw it down hard. The next three days are spent exchanging gifts with family and loved ones, as well as more praying and god-worshipping.
Here is a video of Indians dancing. It's actually pretty crazy. Thus, the name "Crazy Indian Music Video."
2. Vesak
Celebrated By: Buddhists!
When: First full moon in May
How's it Celebrated? Buddhists gather in their temples before dawn to pay homage to the Holy Triple Gem by singing and making offerings. They eat vegetarian food and refrain from any type of killing (even ants). In fact, they release all kinds of animals by the thousands to liberate them from captivity. Then they get to listen to monks quote Buddha sayings from 25 centuries ago! Buddhists are also encouraged to bring happiness to those unfortunate by giving them money and gifts. The holiday's main goal is to reinforce the commitment to living a noble life. Sounds really fun, doesnt it?
P.S. Buddhists are not allowed to drink. Ever.
There was absolutely no good/relevant videos for this holiday. So instead, I did the next best thing. A clip from the TV show "Norm" about a kid who thinks he's a Pokemon catcher. Enjoy or Don't:
1. Eid-al Adha
Celebrated By: Muslims a.k.a. Terrorists (Just JK'in Muslims, LOL!)
When: 10 Dhu al-Hijjah-13 Dhu al-Hijjah (Sometime in December of January) It actually just started as I'm writing this blog!
How's it Celebrated? To celebrate Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son to Allah, Muslims dress in their finest clothing and go to a mosque. Then they sacrifice their best animal and if they don't have one, their firstborn child. A large portion of the animal or child's meat is given to the poor and the rest is cooked for the family. Then Muslims visit all their relations including friends and family throughout the 4 day period. I was kidding about the first born child.
Here is, without any censorship, the sacrificing of what looks like a baby cow for the festival. It actually is pretty graphic. So, you know, brace yourself.
Hope you enjoyed this blog on the holidays. I'll be back soon enough with an equally awesome blog with a little less blood. Now you know what these holidays are. Not sure if that means anything or if that makes good party/dinner/just talking whenever conversation but oh well. Hope you enjoyed regardless and Happy Holidays!
6 Religious Holidays Not Named Christmas.
6. Channukah
Celebrated By: Jews everywhere
When: 25th day of Kislev on the Hebrew Calender until 2nd day of Tevet
How's it Celebrated? The Jews set aside 8 days to celebrate the rededication of the Temple in Jerusalem. They only had enough olive oil to light the place for 1 day but it burned on for 8 days. Everyday during Hannukah, the Jews light a candle (one for each day) a half-hour after dark to remind all of the miracle of the holiday. Blessings are said, singing is done, and potato pancakes are eaten. If you really think the Jews aren't that into money, then know that the Jews hand out special Hannukah money to children, presumably so they don't have to share it with the Gentiles.
Here is Adam Sandler's famous Hannukah song if you haven't heard it enough:
5. Kwanzaa
Celebrated By: Disgruntled African-Americans who want their own holiday
When: December 26 until January 1
How's it Celebrated? Families decorate their houses with traditional African art and dressing in African colors. To quote the great Wikipedia: drumming and musical selections, libations, a reading of the "African Pledge" and the Principles of Blackness. Every day the first words said to each other are the Swahili words "Habari Gani", meaning "What's the News?". It is unknown if criminal activity is halted during the week, but doubtful.
Here is a video telling you why you should celebrate Kwanzaa. I suggest watching a Kanye West video instead:
4. Chinese New Year
Celebrated By: Chinese people. In China.
When: Different every year. February 7 in 2008.
How's it Celebrated? Well, the Chinese are a industrious people. They have fireworks, New Year markets, parades, greetings, and oh so much. They have traditional celebrations for the first 15 days of the New Year. Traditions include, but are not limited to: not believing in any god, privately owned businesses, repression of media, and forcibly aborting babies. Also, they have dinners with their families. No word on whether they hold ritual slaughters to celebrate communism.
Here is a Communist montage of the holiday:
3. Diwali
Celebrated By: Religiously by Hindus, Sihks, and Jains. Other Indians celebrate the cultural aspects.
When: 6 days beginning on Indian moon day Kartika. Usually in late October/early November
How's it Celebrated? On the first day, the cow is worshipped. On the second day, people shop for gold. The 3rd day is where it's at during Diwali. People wake up extra early to take an oil bath and put on new clothes. Then they light lamps and candles all around their house to pray to one of their spiritual figures. Then, fireworks are lit, meals are cooked, and parties are thrown. You haven't lived until you've partied with Hindus. Oh man, they can throw it down hard. The next three days are spent exchanging gifts with family and loved ones, as well as more praying and god-worshipping.
Here is a video of Indians dancing. It's actually pretty crazy. Thus, the name "Crazy Indian Music Video."
2. Vesak
Celebrated By: Buddhists!
When: First full moon in May
How's it Celebrated? Buddhists gather in their temples before dawn to pay homage to the Holy Triple Gem by singing and making offerings. They eat vegetarian food and refrain from any type of killing (even ants). In fact, they release all kinds of animals by the thousands to liberate them from captivity. Then they get to listen to monks quote Buddha sayings from 25 centuries ago! Buddhists are also encouraged to bring happiness to those unfortunate by giving them money and gifts. The holiday's main goal is to reinforce the commitment to living a noble life. Sounds really fun, doesnt it?
P.S. Buddhists are not allowed to drink. Ever.
There was absolutely no good/relevant videos for this holiday. So instead, I did the next best thing. A clip from the TV show "Norm" about a kid who thinks he's a Pokemon catcher. Enjoy or Don't:
1. Eid-al Adha
Celebrated By: Muslims a.k.a. Terrorists (Just JK'in Muslims, LOL!)
When: 10 Dhu al-Hijjah-13 Dhu al-Hijjah (Sometime in December of January) It actually just started as I'm writing this blog!
How's it Celebrated? To celebrate Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son to Allah, Muslims dress in their finest clothing and go to a mosque. Then they sacrifice their best animal and if they don't have one, their firstborn child. A large portion of the animal or child's meat is given to the poor and the rest is cooked for the family. Then Muslims visit all their relations including friends and family throughout the 4 day period. I was kidding about the first born child.
Here is, without any censorship, the sacrificing of what looks like a baby cow for the festival. It actually is pretty graphic. So, you know, brace yourself.
Hope you enjoyed this blog on the holidays. I'll be back soon enough with an equally awesome blog with a little less blood. Now you know what these holidays are. Not sure if that means anything or if that makes good party/dinner/just talking whenever conversation but oh well. Hope you enjoyed regardless and Happy Holidays!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Heroic Irony or Ironic Heroes?
I'm back to enlighten you. Normal people who have finals tommorow would be studying but not me. While your mind might think about calculus, mine's thinking about "wow, wouldn't it be funny if you locked someone high on mushrooms in a pitch black room with heavy metal music playing?" And it would be damn funny. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about today. (I've yet to find a volunteer for that experiment) Today, my mind is on TV and what's ironic about it. Well, there's nothing more ironic than the TV show Heroes on NBC. What's so ironic? The characters have powers, you see. In other acting roles, they have the exact opposite of their powers. Don't get it? You'll see. Here are The 7 Most Ironic Heroes Characters.
7. Mr. Linderman
Played By: Actor Malcolm McDowell
Super Power: Heals people/things
Role that Makes it Ironic: Well, I'm not sure if you know this but Mr. McDowell is most famous for his role in A Clockwork Orange. His role in Stanley Kubrick's disturbing 'drama' is that of a destructive, violent, rapist-murderer who's idea of fun is destruction. His role on Heroes, although evil, is made more ironic by the fact that he threatens and scares people into doing what he wants. Scientists do the opposite to him in A Clockwork Orange.
Here is his character (one of the most disturbing ever) beating the shit out of his friends for fun. F. U. N.:
6. Nikki/Jessica Sanders
Played By: Ali Larter
Super Power: Her evil split personality gives her super strength
Role that Makes it Ironic: Darcy Spears in Varsity Blues. In Varsity Blues, the lovely Ms. Larter is so weak that she needs to be fucking the starting QB (i.e. James Van der Beek) of her high school's football team. Plus, instead of having an evil genius split personality, her character is just a dumb whore. Instead of kicking the asses of the guys taking advantage of her and being evil, she seems very accomadating and, ummmmm.....delicious?
Remind me to file that under "Sexual Fantasies that Will Never Happen for Me".
5. Peter Petrelli
Played By: Milo Ventimiglia
Super Powers: The superest of heroes, Petrelli can absorb the power of anyone he meets and use it for himself
Role that Makes it Ironic: Before I get into the irony, let me explain how Petrelli is a badass and Milo's real-self is a raging vaginahead. Milo doesn't drink, smoke, is a lacto-vegetarian, was dressed up as Madonna by his sisters, was in a Fergie music video, and his name means "20 Miles" in Italian. His role in the upcoming thriller Pathology is that of a med student who reluctantly gets involved in a game of who can committ the perfect murder. Ironic because his Heroes character is a nurse who wants to save the world from evil.
Here is a trailer for the movie with an unforgettable introduction from Milo himself:
4. Gabriel "Sylar" Gray
Played By: Zachary Quinto
Super Power: Intuitive Aptitude, meaning he can see how things work by looking at them. He takes other superheroes powers by killing them and adding them to his repetoire. He is one the main villains.
Role that Makes it Ironic: Your going to love this one. Instead of being a supervillian, Quinto plays openly gay Iranian-American Sasan who tries to keep Tori Spelling in line on her former "reality show" So NoTORIous. They had to capitalize TORI just to make sure we got it. Instead of being an enemy because of his superpowers and evil ways, he is an enemy because of his sexual orientation and ethnic heritage. An openly gay Iranian living in America? That's like a Republican's worst nightmare. In fact, I think if both characters existed, they would still work more on Sasan's deportation than arresting Sylar.
Here is a YouTube clip that will most definitely pop-up into your head everytime Sylar comes on screen during Heroes:
Yes, that really is supervillian Sylar making out in a sauna with another guy. I know.
3. Elle Bishop
Played By: Kristen Bell. You may also know her as Veronica Mars.
Super Power: Besides the power to seduce any heterosexual man, Bell's character (her last name rhymes with her first: Elle and Bell. These are the things going through my mind) can generate or manipulate electricity as a weapon. In other words, she shoots lightning at people. I don't know about you, but Kristen Bell is electric without those powers. I mean, I feel like I just got shocked when I see her pictures or on screen. Especially when I think about her when.....shit, a little off topic there. Sorry.
Role that Makes it Ironic: Bell's lead role in horror-flop Pulse. Her character, instead of using electricity to kill, is being attacked by dead people through electricity. The virus is attempting to take life because the attackers want one, while Kristen's Hero alter-ego is trying to take life because she never had a normal one. It's alright, honey, sit down and you can tell Mike all about it. In another twist of irony, she's staring in the upcoming comedy "Fanboys", in which she plays a die-hard Star Wars fan and she has the same power in Heroes that the Emperor does in Star Wars. I know way too many things.
Here is a montage of Bell's Heroes character using her exceptionally hot powers. I've never wanted to get electrocuted so badly:
2. Claire Bennett
Played By: Recently turned 18-year old Hayden Panettiere. I mention this so you don't feel like a pedofile if you masturbate to her. Oh sorry, was that too much? The truth can be sexually graphic sometimes.
Super Power: She can regenerate whenever she gets hurt, no matter how serious. Imagine how rough the sex could get with her character. No limits at all. Amazing.
Role that Makes it Ironic: She played leukemia infected Lizzie Spaulding in the CBS soap opera Guiding Light. Hero Claire can't get hurt, child Lizzie can only get hurt/die. She needed someone else's bone marrow to heal, while her character in Heroes can give blood to anyone that immediately heals anyone no matter the injury. Also, in Heroes she saves people from a raging fire, in Guiding Light she needs to be saved from a fire. In real life Hayden has a boyfriend, in my dreams she is...well, I'm sure you can guess.
Here is scene in which her soap opera character learns she has leukemia and bafflingly (say that word 5 times fast) didn't win an emmy for lead actress:
1. Matt Parkman
Played By: Greg Grunberg
Super Power: Can hear/influence people's thoughts
Role that Makes it Ironic: Before he could hear what your saying, Grunberg played Sean Blumberg on Felicity for over 60 episodes. Well, what makes it so ironic? In Felicity, he can't hear thoughts and his character really doesn't even know what anyone, including himself, is thinking. Some of his get-rich quick schemes from the show are flavored pen caps, shrimp yogurt, shreme (sugar and creme), shoe covers, and cologne that smells like a guy's favorite food. The irony goes further, however, as Hero Greg can manipulate your thoughts, Felicity Greg can't get anyone to even think about supporting his ridiculous ideas. In other roles, Greg was killed on Lost's first ever episode as the pilot by a monster that apparently reads your thoughts. Also, he starred on Alias as a CIA agent who would offer up his thoughts as advice. He also starred in an unaired show "The Jake Effect" with Arrested Development star Jason Bateman, which no one thought about at all, even though it is excelllent and hilarious.
I couldn't find even a video that even slightly describes either character accurately. So here is a website with the characters list of ideas and a video of him nearly getting killed on heroes:
Sean Blumberg List of Crazy Ideas
Well, there you have it. I hope you never look at these Heroes characters the same. If you don't watch Heroes, I hope you at least enjoyed the column's subtle irony and comedic stylings. Now, if you'll excuse me, I probably should start studying for my history final instead of writing about the irony of a TV show. Enjoy the holidays muchachas!
7. Mr. Linderman
Played By: Actor Malcolm McDowell
Super Power: Heals people/things
Role that Makes it Ironic: Well, I'm not sure if you know this but Mr. McDowell is most famous for his role in A Clockwork Orange. His role in Stanley Kubrick's disturbing 'drama' is that of a destructive, violent, rapist-murderer who's idea of fun is destruction. His role on Heroes, although evil, is made more ironic by the fact that he threatens and scares people into doing what he wants. Scientists do the opposite to him in A Clockwork Orange.
Here is his character (one of the most disturbing ever) beating the shit out of his friends for fun. F. U. N.:
6. Nikki/Jessica Sanders
Played By: Ali Larter
Super Power: Her evil split personality gives her super strength
Role that Makes it Ironic: Darcy Spears in Varsity Blues. In Varsity Blues, the lovely Ms. Larter is so weak that she needs to be fucking the starting QB (i.e. James Van der Beek) of her high school's football team. Plus, instead of having an evil genius split personality, her character is just a dumb whore. Instead of kicking the asses of the guys taking advantage of her and being evil, she seems very accomadating and, ummmmm.....delicious?
Remind me to file that under "Sexual Fantasies that Will Never Happen for Me".
5. Peter Petrelli
Played By: Milo Ventimiglia
Super Powers: The superest of heroes, Petrelli can absorb the power of anyone he meets and use it for himself
Role that Makes it Ironic: Before I get into the irony, let me explain how Petrelli is a badass and Milo's real-self is a raging vaginahead. Milo doesn't drink, smoke, is a lacto-vegetarian, was dressed up as Madonna by his sisters, was in a Fergie music video, and his name means "20 Miles" in Italian. His role in the upcoming thriller Pathology is that of a med student who reluctantly gets involved in a game of who can committ the perfect murder. Ironic because his Heroes character is a nurse who wants to save the world from evil.
Here is a trailer for the movie with an unforgettable introduction from Milo himself:
4. Gabriel "Sylar" Gray
Played By: Zachary Quinto
Super Power: Intuitive Aptitude, meaning he can see how things work by looking at them. He takes other superheroes powers by killing them and adding them to his repetoire. He is one the main villains.
Role that Makes it Ironic: Your going to love this one. Instead of being a supervillian, Quinto plays openly gay Iranian-American Sasan who tries to keep Tori Spelling in line on her former "reality show" So NoTORIous. They had to capitalize TORI just to make sure we got it. Instead of being an enemy because of his superpowers and evil ways, he is an enemy because of his sexual orientation and ethnic heritage. An openly gay Iranian living in America? That's like a Republican's worst nightmare. In fact, I think if both characters existed, they would still work more on Sasan's deportation than arresting Sylar.
Here is a YouTube clip that will most definitely pop-up into your head everytime Sylar comes on screen during Heroes:
Yes, that really is supervillian Sylar making out in a sauna with another guy. I know.
3. Elle Bishop
Played By: Kristen Bell. You may also know her as Veronica Mars.
Super Power: Besides the power to seduce any heterosexual man, Bell's character (her last name rhymes with her first: Elle and Bell. These are the things going through my mind) can generate or manipulate electricity as a weapon. In other words, she shoots lightning at people. I don't know about you, but Kristen Bell is electric without those powers. I mean, I feel like I just got shocked when I see her pictures or on screen. Especially when I think about her when.....shit, a little off topic there. Sorry.
Role that Makes it Ironic: Bell's lead role in horror-flop Pulse. Her character, instead of using electricity to kill, is being attacked by dead people through electricity. The virus is attempting to take life because the attackers want one, while Kristen's Hero alter-ego is trying to take life because she never had a normal one. It's alright, honey, sit down and you can tell Mike all about it. In another twist of irony, she's staring in the upcoming comedy "Fanboys", in which she plays a die-hard Star Wars fan and she has the same power in Heroes that the Emperor does in Star Wars. I know way too many things.
Here is a montage of Bell's Heroes character using her exceptionally hot powers. I've never wanted to get electrocuted so badly:
2. Claire Bennett
Played By: Recently turned 18-year old Hayden Panettiere. I mention this so you don't feel like a pedofile if you masturbate to her. Oh sorry, was that too much? The truth can be sexually graphic sometimes.
Super Power: She can regenerate whenever she gets hurt, no matter how serious. Imagine how rough the sex could get with her character. No limits at all. Amazing.
Role that Makes it Ironic: She played leukemia infected Lizzie Spaulding in the CBS soap opera Guiding Light. Hero Claire can't get hurt, child Lizzie can only get hurt/die. She needed someone else's bone marrow to heal, while her character in Heroes can give blood to anyone that immediately heals anyone no matter the injury. Also, in Heroes she saves people from a raging fire, in Guiding Light she needs to be saved from a fire. In real life Hayden has a boyfriend, in my dreams she is...well, I'm sure you can guess.
Here is scene in which her soap opera character learns she has leukemia and bafflingly (say that word 5 times fast) didn't win an emmy for lead actress:
1. Matt Parkman
Played By: Greg Grunberg
Super Power: Can hear/influence people's thoughts
Role that Makes it Ironic: Before he could hear what your saying, Grunberg played Sean Blumberg on Felicity for over 60 episodes. Well, what makes it so ironic? In Felicity, he can't hear thoughts and his character really doesn't even know what anyone, including himself, is thinking. Some of his get-rich quick schemes from the show are flavored pen caps, shrimp yogurt, shreme (sugar and creme), shoe covers, and cologne that smells like a guy's favorite food. The irony goes further, however, as Hero Greg can manipulate your thoughts, Felicity Greg can't get anyone to even think about supporting his ridiculous ideas. In other roles, Greg was killed on Lost's first ever episode as the pilot by a monster that apparently reads your thoughts. Also, he starred on Alias as a CIA agent who would offer up his thoughts as advice. He also starred in an unaired show "The Jake Effect" with Arrested Development star Jason Bateman, which no one thought about at all, even though it is excelllent and hilarious.
I couldn't find even a video that even slightly describes either character accurately. So here is a website with the characters list of ideas and a video of him nearly getting killed on heroes:
Sean Blumberg List of Crazy Ideas
Well, there you have it. I hope you never look at these Heroes characters the same. If you don't watch Heroes, I hope you at least enjoyed the column's subtle irony and comedic stylings. Now, if you'll excuse me, I probably should start studying for my history final instead of writing about the irony of a TV show. Enjoy the holidays muchachas!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
OH F*CK!
The work fuck has been around for ages. You might be interested to know that it etymology is from the German word "ficken" (to copulate), Dutch word "fokken" (to thrust), Norwegian word "fukka" (to copulate), and the Swedish words "focka" (to copulate) and "fock" (penis). Ever since, fuck has become the cornerstone of vulgarity in our society. Besides the words cunt and nigger, it is arguably the most vulgar word you can use. The word has seemingly taken over Hollywood. You may be wondering what films use it the most. Or you may not be but I'm still gonna tell ya. So, here are (excluding documentaries) the 5 Movies That Use Fuck The Most, Ever.
5. Running Scared (2006)
F*ck Count: 315 in 122 Minutes
Wayne Kramer's very memorable drama about Paul Walker's (Fast and the Furious 1+2) attempt to get rid of a gun that shot a cop, only to have it stolen by his kid neighbor. I shouldn't talk, as I haven't seen it but it got terrible reviews from critics, although it was liked by fans. The profanity isn't the only thing that might shoo away conservatives. Oh, No. Several instances of full frontal nudity, make meth in methlab, and a pedophiliac couple that abducts kids and makes them star in child porn.
Below is a clip that will surely take your breath away:
4. Summer of Sam (1999)
F*ck Count: 315 in 142 Minutes
You may wonder why this places forth, even though it has less fpm's (fucks per minutes) than #5. Well, this simply has much more profanity overall. Extreme violence, sexuality, drug use, and the Fuck word. Sounds like a winner to me. Gets bonus points for using the words "nigger", "spic", "guido", "linguine dick-motherfucker", and, my favorite, "daigo wop skank." Try and use any of those words in reality and you might get popped. (Bonus points if you say one of the last two to an stereotypical Italian).
Below is a video that crams all 315 fucks into around 4 minutes:
3. Twin Town (1997)
F*ck Count: 318 in an impressive 99 minutes
Drug addicted twins try to get back at a club owner for not compensating their father. I had never heard of this movie before I looked it up but it sounds alright, I spose. If you've ever seen "Trainspotting" (and if you haven't, you should) this is like the Welsh version of that. Except this is a comedy. That's a very rare combination: a comedy about drug addicts.
Below is a clip of the twins naked (no nudity), sitting in their bathtub, smoking pot:
2. Alpha Dog (2007)
F*ck Count: 367 in 118 Minutes
The most recent movie on our list stars the guy next door to The Girl Next Door, one of his nerdy friends from that same movie, the angel from the 3rd X-Man movie, and the guy who sings "SexyBack". They proceed to kidnap a 15-year old, get him wasted, high, laid, and dead. (Sorry, but you don't want to see this anyway) Have you ever sween Justin Timberlake try to act like a badass? It's sickening. This movie is actually based on a true story, which begs the question: is the guy who's played by Justin Timberlake happy with that portrayl of him?
Here is a J-T clip from the movie (WARNING: If you have a weak heart, are nursing/pregnant, or already hate J. Timberlake you may not want to watch. But you will get a plethera of insults to use against him if you ever meet.)
1. Casino (1995)
F*ck Count: 398 in 178 Minutes
The fpm's aren't very impressive but the profanity in Casino is unparralled in cinema. Throw in De Niro, Pesci, add a few Italians, thrown in a whore (Sharon Stone), and wha-la! I mean, are you really surprised that a Scorsese film is at the top spot? You shouldn't be. I'm not gonna get into to this film too much, as you've probably seen it. It's about the mob and casinos and fuck. Think about this: Casino, Goodfellas, and The Departed have 935 Fucks combined. THAT is impressive. The next best trio is 603 with Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, Resovoir Dogs, and Grindhouse.
Here's Pesci and De Niro cursing like there's no tommorow:
I should mention I left off the documentary "Fuck" which has 824 fucks (WTF?!) since it's not a feature film. I also left off Nil by Mouth, which has 428 fucks, because it's a British film and it's loosely based on the very exciting life of Gary Oldman (seen here). In honor of this column, go out and see how many times you can say the word fuck in normal conversation in an hour. If you can get to 100, you've got my respect but probably nobody elses. I hope you enjoyed this fucking column but I have to fucking go. Chingada tu madre, fokkof, and the only way the word fuck can get any better, tabernacle (the French version, of course).
5. Running Scared (2006)
F*ck Count: 315 in 122 Minutes
Wayne Kramer's very memorable drama about Paul Walker's (Fast and the Furious 1+2) attempt to get rid of a gun that shot a cop, only to have it stolen by his kid neighbor. I shouldn't talk, as I haven't seen it but it got terrible reviews from critics, although it was liked by fans. The profanity isn't the only thing that might shoo away conservatives. Oh, No. Several instances of full frontal nudity, make meth in methlab, and a pedophiliac couple that abducts kids and makes them star in child porn.
Below is a clip that will surely take your breath away:
4. Summer of Sam (1999)
F*ck Count: 315 in 142 Minutes
You may wonder why this places forth, even though it has less fpm's (fucks per minutes) than #5. Well, this simply has much more profanity overall. Extreme violence, sexuality, drug use, and the Fuck word. Sounds like a winner to me. Gets bonus points for using the words "nigger", "spic", "guido", "linguine dick-motherfucker", and, my favorite, "daigo wop skank." Try and use any of those words in reality and you might get popped. (Bonus points if you say one of the last two to an stereotypical Italian).
Below is a video that crams all 315 fucks into around 4 minutes:
3. Twin Town (1997)
F*ck Count: 318 in an impressive 99 minutes
Drug addicted twins try to get back at a club owner for not compensating their father. I had never heard of this movie before I looked it up but it sounds alright, I spose. If you've ever seen "Trainspotting" (and if you haven't, you should) this is like the Welsh version of that. Except this is a comedy. That's a very rare combination: a comedy about drug addicts.
Below is a clip of the twins naked (no nudity), sitting in their bathtub, smoking pot:
2. Alpha Dog (2007)
F*ck Count: 367 in 118 Minutes
The most recent movie on our list stars the guy next door to The Girl Next Door, one of his nerdy friends from that same movie, the angel from the 3rd X-Man movie, and the guy who sings "SexyBack". They proceed to kidnap a 15-year old, get him wasted, high, laid, and dead. (Sorry, but you don't want to see this anyway) Have you ever sween Justin Timberlake try to act like a badass? It's sickening. This movie is actually based on a true story, which begs the question: is the guy who's played by Justin Timberlake happy with that portrayl of him?
Here is a J-T clip from the movie (WARNING: If you have a weak heart, are nursing/pregnant, or already hate J. Timberlake you may not want to watch. But you will get a plethera of insults to use against him if you ever meet.)
1. Casino (1995)
F*ck Count: 398 in 178 Minutes
The fpm's aren't very impressive but the profanity in Casino is unparralled in cinema. Throw in De Niro, Pesci, add a few Italians, thrown in a whore (Sharon Stone), and wha-la! I mean, are you really surprised that a Scorsese film is at the top spot? You shouldn't be. I'm not gonna get into to this film too much, as you've probably seen it. It's about the mob and casinos and fuck. Think about this: Casino, Goodfellas, and The Departed have 935 Fucks combined. THAT is impressive. The next best trio is 603 with Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, Resovoir Dogs, and Grindhouse.
Here's Pesci and De Niro cursing like there's no tommorow:
I should mention I left off the documentary "Fuck" which has 824 fucks (WTF?!) since it's not a feature film. I also left off Nil by Mouth, which has 428 fucks, because it's a British film and it's loosely based on the very exciting life of Gary Oldman (seen here). In honor of this column, go out and see how many times you can say the word fuck in normal conversation in an hour. If you can get to 100, you've got my respect but probably nobody elses. I hope you enjoyed this fucking column but I have to fucking go. Chingada tu madre, fokkof, and the only way the word fuck can get any better, tabernacle (the French version, of course).
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Unintentional Comedy
Het there again, ladies and gents! Today, I have an awesome blog for you today. I'm going to round up 6 Actors Who Tried Music. This one is guarranteed funny. Why wait? Let's get started.
6. The Ordinary Fear of God
Actor: Russell Crowe
Why It's Funny: Crowe has played a Gladiator, a DEA agent, a boxer, and a crazy mathematician, not to mention a master AND a commander. Listening to Crowe sing country music is like just waiting for him to stop with the sing-songy voice and just attack you with his voice. Plus, he was Gladiator and now he's singing country music.
Thank You, Youtube:
5. Don Johnson
Actor: Don Johnson.
Why It's Funny: Even though the song was popular, Don Johnson, who played a cop on the original Miami Vice and also starred on Nash Bridges with Cheech Marin, is really not a good singer. I mean, the song's not THAT bad, it's just that the video is painfull. Absolutely hilariously pathetic. Just watch it and you'll know what I'm talking about it.
Thank You, Youtube:
4. Eddie Murphy and Rick James
Actor: Funnyman Eddie Murphy
Why's It Funny: Because it's Eddie Murphy and Rick James singing "Party All the Time." I'm not sure about Murphy, but I know it was Rick James' life motto. Also, Eddie Murphy isn't a singer, which becomes more and more obvious throughout the song. A perfect example of an actor who had a musical dream but shouldn't have used his star status to try and make the transition. Part of me feels bad for him, then I remember the house he's living in.
Thank You, Youtube:
3. William Shatner
Actor: Capt. Kirk himself
Why It's Funny: Because he doesn't actually sing, he uhhhh.....says? The most ridiculous version of "Rocket Man" ever recorded is what puts Shatner on this list. No one can blame Shatner for his extreme cockiness in thinking he could turn to music and thank god this video was produced because of it. If you haven't seen it, please, watch and enjoy.
Thank You, Youtube:
2. Steven Seagal
Actor: Steven Seagal. Yes, THAT Steven Seagal
Why It's Funny: The same guy that gave you "Out for Blood" and "Marked for Death" give's you his first and hopefully last musical single "Girl, It's Alright". I really don't know where else to go with this. This is pretty self-explanatory as to why it's untinentiolly hilarious. It's Steven Seagal singing a love song. Throughout the video, you expect him to just karate kick everyone and call this music "pussyt-shit".
Thank You, Youtube:
1. The Wiseguys
Actor: Joe Pesci
Why It's Funny: This is Joe Pesci (FUNNY HOW? LIKE A CLOWN?) and he's rapping. Well, it's more like a fast talking motion. However, he's really trying, which is what makes it hilarious. Joe Pesci, the same stereotypical typecasted Italian, is TRYING TO RAP. I'm not sure why, how, or who sold this and said "YEA! WE SHOULD DO THIS!". Just watch and enjoy, and try to remember: it's Joe Pesci.
Thank You, Youtube:
I hope you laughed throughout the article as much as I did. Laughing at the failure of others is fun, isn't it? Besides, all these guys got enough money to purchase a small island. Until next time, laugh it up.
6. The Ordinary Fear of God
Actor: Russell Crowe
Why It's Funny: Crowe has played a Gladiator, a DEA agent, a boxer, and a crazy mathematician, not to mention a master AND a commander. Listening to Crowe sing country music is like just waiting for him to stop with the sing-songy voice and just attack you with his voice. Plus, he was Gladiator and now he's singing country music.
Thank You, Youtube:
5. Don Johnson
Actor: Don Johnson.
Why It's Funny: Even though the song was popular, Don Johnson, who played a cop on the original Miami Vice and also starred on Nash Bridges with Cheech Marin, is really not a good singer. I mean, the song's not THAT bad, it's just that the video is painfull. Absolutely hilariously pathetic. Just watch it and you'll know what I'm talking about it.
Thank You, Youtube:
4. Eddie Murphy and Rick James
Actor: Funnyman Eddie Murphy
Why's It Funny: Because it's Eddie Murphy and Rick James singing "Party All the Time." I'm not sure about Murphy, but I know it was Rick James' life motto. Also, Eddie Murphy isn't a singer, which becomes more and more obvious throughout the song. A perfect example of an actor who had a musical dream but shouldn't have used his star status to try and make the transition. Part of me feels bad for him, then I remember the house he's living in.
Thank You, Youtube:
3. William Shatner
Actor: Capt. Kirk himself
Why It's Funny: Because he doesn't actually sing, he uhhhh.....says? The most ridiculous version of "Rocket Man" ever recorded is what puts Shatner on this list. No one can blame Shatner for his extreme cockiness in thinking he could turn to music and thank god this video was produced because of it. If you haven't seen it, please, watch and enjoy.
Thank You, Youtube:
2. Steven Seagal
Actor: Steven Seagal. Yes, THAT Steven Seagal
Why It's Funny: The same guy that gave you "Out for Blood" and "Marked for Death" give's you his first and hopefully last musical single "Girl, It's Alright". I really don't know where else to go with this. This is pretty self-explanatory as to why it's untinentiolly hilarious. It's Steven Seagal singing a love song. Throughout the video, you expect him to just karate kick everyone and call this music "pussyt-shit".
Thank You, Youtube:
1. The Wiseguys
Actor: Joe Pesci
Why It's Funny: This is Joe Pesci (FUNNY HOW? LIKE A CLOWN?) and he's rapping. Well, it's more like a fast talking motion. However, he's really trying, which is what makes it hilarious. Joe Pesci, the same stereotypical typecasted Italian, is TRYING TO RAP. I'm not sure why, how, or who sold this and said "YEA! WE SHOULD DO THIS!". Just watch and enjoy, and try to remember: it's Joe Pesci.
Thank You, Youtube:
I hope you laughed throughout the article as much as I did. Laughing at the failure of others is fun, isn't it? Besides, all these guys got enough money to purchase a small island. Until next time, laugh it up.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Life's Too Short
Back from a short hiatus, I am back and ready to present you with another excellent bloging that will certainly blow your mind. It has come to my recent attention that life is pretty damn short. I know, I know, I was surprised when I heard too. Often people never even figure out what they want to do with their short existences. Very few make them count. I'm here too help. Some people need 12 steps to get over alcohol. I'll give you 12 Steps To Happiness. Learn them and live them.
#1: Avoid Religion
Sorry to be so shocking up front, but it's true. Think about it. Religion makes you fear going to hell and thus, doesn't allow you to enjoy the whole spectrum of life. You have to get up early on Sundays, can't masturbate or have sex before marriage, or yell out "GOD DAMN IT!" when you stub your toe. With no religion, it's easier to sit back and just enjoy life.
#2: Attend a Major Sporting Event
Now, when I say this, I mean seeing the Bears in the Super Bowl, the Cubs in the playoffs, going to the World Cup in Brazil, or the Olympics. It will make you appreciate it so much more. Nothing is as trivial in life as sports, but it's triviality is what makes it so important. It's an escape and we all need it. So maybe the Cubs will lose or the USA will get knocked out in the 1st round. You were there.
#3: Go to "That" Place
You know the place you've always dreamed of going? Go there. For me, it's Dublin and I'm going there in March. If your German, go to Munich during Oktoberfest. French? Go to the gay bar down the street. Islamic? Go to Mecca. You will look back on your life one day and say "I regret a lot. But not going there." Trust me, it will change your perspective on life and everything around you. It will make you happier inside.
#4: Fall in Love
This one's pretty self-explanatory. Falling in love, although sometimes ending disastorous, can be the best feeling you ever experience. Life is about finding what you love and going after it. So, if you can't find a person that you love, find something. Chances are you won't make it very long in life if you can't find something you love.
#5: Get Banned From Somewhere
It may be a bar or a restaurant or whatever, but do it. Be obnoxious is a high class bar or start shit in a dive. You will feel better about yourself and you will be able to say, passing by, "Yeah, I'd take you there but I'm banned". It may not sound like a good person but it will make you seem mysterious. Everyone loves mystery.
#6: See Your Favorite Band in Concert
Hopefully your favorite band isn't Queen, cuz Freddie Mercury's dead. Anyways, see the next best thing. There's nothing like seeing the music you love up close. It's one of those natural highs. That strumming baseline or guitar solo might just be a turning point in your life.
#7: Score Someone Way Out of Your League
See that extremely attractive blonde at the end of the bar? What the hell are you waiting for? Go hit on her. You never know, you might just discover your A+ game while talking to her and she might just be drunk enough to feel like your good enough to go home with. The next morning you will wake up and think "Wow, I'm good." And you are good. Damn good, actually. So act like it.
#8: Overspend on a Gift for your Best Friend
Nothing beats the feeling of getting an awesome present. So, one time, spend an extremely ridiculous amount of money on a present for your favorite person. After he opens your $150 bottle of scotch, his girlfriends present, such as a sweater, will seem like a joke gift. Not to make her feel bad, but you'll be able to think "Wow, I'm a great person." Sounds conceited? So what, 99% of your actions in life will be selfish ones, whether you like it or not.
#9: Live Somewhere Different
Spending your whole life in one place is just not a good idea. Eventually, your going to pine for more. So, if you really liked Amsterdam when you went, go live there for a year. Could be San Diego, Tokyo, Alaska, or Tiajuana. There's more to see in the world than you could imagine and a week in one place is not nearly enough to get acquainted with it. So go live somewhere for a year or two, even if it sets you back. I can tell you right now that I will be extremely pissed off if I still live in Chicago when I'm 27.
#10: Get in a Fight
Now, this seems like advice taken from Fight Club or something, but let me explain. Everyone has pent up anger inside them. I see no better way to get rid of it than to kick that annoying guy's ass. It may seem like a childish action but, if you think about it, won't you feel better about yourself? Even if you lose, at least you stood up for something, no matter how trivial. "Hey buddy, did you just move the 8 ball? WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?" Don't stand for that, stand for yourself.
#11: Don't EVER Let The Man Get You Down
So your working in a job that sucks? Don't sweat it, happy hour is soon approaching. Just make work fun. Drink at lunch or hit on the secretary. Take bets on how many donuts Larry will eat. Work sucks for most people, so if you let the man get you down, you, sir, are a loser. It may not get you very far ahead but you'll be happier and that's what it's all about.
#12: Do Something You're Way Too Nervous to do
Could be skydiving. Could be drinking absinthe, doing marijuana, hitting on your friends mom, or going out til 3 AM when you have a test at 9 AM the next day. You may fail, get beligerent, and make an ass of yourself but one thing you won't do is regret it. The crazy things I've done in life are the best memories. The only thing you will regret is not doing it sooner. Life is all about the happy, fun memories you will have later on. Go crazy now and never, NEVER NEVER EVER settle down. Wouldn't you rather have 50 great years than 75 dull ones??
Just make the most of every moment. Follow the 12 steps and maybe you can find the meaning of happiness. Until next time, get out there and start living. Nothing's more important.
#1: Avoid Religion
Sorry to be so shocking up front, but it's true. Think about it. Religion makes you fear going to hell and thus, doesn't allow you to enjoy the whole spectrum of life. You have to get up early on Sundays, can't masturbate or have sex before marriage, or yell out "GOD DAMN IT!" when you stub your toe. With no religion, it's easier to sit back and just enjoy life.
#2: Attend a Major Sporting Event
Now, when I say this, I mean seeing the Bears in the Super Bowl, the Cubs in the playoffs, going to the World Cup in Brazil, or the Olympics. It will make you appreciate it so much more. Nothing is as trivial in life as sports, but it's triviality is what makes it so important. It's an escape and we all need it. So maybe the Cubs will lose or the USA will get knocked out in the 1st round. You were there.
#3: Go to "That" Place
You know the place you've always dreamed of going? Go there. For me, it's Dublin and I'm going there in March. If your German, go to Munich during Oktoberfest. French? Go to the gay bar down the street. Islamic? Go to Mecca. You will look back on your life one day and say "I regret a lot. But not going there." Trust me, it will change your perspective on life and everything around you. It will make you happier inside.
#4: Fall in Love
This one's pretty self-explanatory. Falling in love, although sometimes ending disastorous, can be the best feeling you ever experience. Life is about finding what you love and going after it. So, if you can't find a person that you love, find something. Chances are you won't make it very long in life if you can't find something you love.
#5: Get Banned From Somewhere
It may be a bar or a restaurant or whatever, but do it. Be obnoxious is a high class bar or start shit in a dive. You will feel better about yourself and you will be able to say, passing by, "Yeah, I'd take you there but I'm banned". It may not sound like a good person but it will make you seem mysterious. Everyone loves mystery.
#6: See Your Favorite Band in Concert
Hopefully your favorite band isn't Queen, cuz Freddie Mercury's dead. Anyways, see the next best thing. There's nothing like seeing the music you love up close. It's one of those natural highs. That strumming baseline or guitar solo might just be a turning point in your life.
#7: Score Someone Way Out of Your League
See that extremely attractive blonde at the end of the bar? What the hell are you waiting for? Go hit on her. You never know, you might just discover your A+ game while talking to her and she might just be drunk enough to feel like your good enough to go home with. The next morning you will wake up and think "Wow, I'm good." And you are good. Damn good, actually. So act like it.
#8: Overspend on a Gift for your Best Friend
Nothing beats the feeling of getting an awesome present. So, one time, spend an extremely ridiculous amount of money on a present for your favorite person. After he opens your $150 bottle of scotch, his girlfriends present, such as a sweater, will seem like a joke gift. Not to make her feel bad, but you'll be able to think "Wow, I'm a great person." Sounds conceited? So what, 99% of your actions in life will be selfish ones, whether you like it or not.
#9: Live Somewhere Different
Spending your whole life in one place is just not a good idea. Eventually, your going to pine for more. So, if you really liked Amsterdam when you went, go live there for a year. Could be San Diego, Tokyo, Alaska, or Tiajuana. There's more to see in the world than you could imagine and a week in one place is not nearly enough to get acquainted with it. So go live somewhere for a year or two, even if it sets you back. I can tell you right now that I will be extremely pissed off if I still live in Chicago when I'm 27.
#10: Get in a Fight
Now, this seems like advice taken from Fight Club or something, but let me explain. Everyone has pent up anger inside them. I see no better way to get rid of it than to kick that annoying guy's ass. It may seem like a childish action but, if you think about it, won't you feel better about yourself? Even if you lose, at least you stood up for something, no matter how trivial. "Hey buddy, did you just move the 8 ball? WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?" Don't stand for that, stand for yourself.
#11: Don't EVER Let The Man Get You Down
So your working in a job that sucks? Don't sweat it, happy hour is soon approaching. Just make work fun. Drink at lunch or hit on the secretary. Take bets on how many donuts Larry will eat. Work sucks for most people, so if you let the man get you down, you, sir, are a loser. It may not get you very far ahead but you'll be happier and that's what it's all about.
#12: Do Something You're Way Too Nervous to do
Could be skydiving. Could be drinking absinthe, doing marijuana, hitting on your friends mom, or going out til 3 AM when you have a test at 9 AM the next day. You may fail, get beligerent, and make an ass of yourself but one thing you won't do is regret it. The crazy things I've done in life are the best memories. The only thing you will regret is not doing it sooner. Life is all about the happy, fun memories you will have later on. Go crazy now and never, NEVER NEVER EVER settle down. Wouldn't you rather have 50 great years than 75 dull ones??
Just make the most of every moment. Follow the 12 steps and maybe you can find the meaning of happiness. Until next time, get out there and start living. Nothing's more important.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Controversey Loves Company
The passion felt in sports is something that is rivaled in very few other aspects of life. The truth is, life is hard and sports is a great escape. People tend to become very emotionally involved when their teams are doing well or struggling. One thing that cannot stand, however, is getting unfairly screwed by a bad call or controversial play. So let's go over what the worst moments for fans were. The 6 Most Controversial Plays in Sports History. It's like getting screwed out of a whole week in your paycheck, or getting points taken off for not having a cover page on your essay. Just plain stupid.
6. Phantom Interference
Game: 2002 College Football Nat'l Championship Game. Ohio State vs. Miami (FL)
The Controversey: In the first overtime, Miami had scored a touchdown. Ohio St. faced a 4th down with future Bears QB Craig Krenzel manning the offense. He threw a fade in the back of the end zone, which Chris Gamble went up for but couldn't make the grab. A Miami defender made some light contact, drawing a ridiculously late and unnecessary penalty flag. Miami went on to lose in the next Overtime.
Watch and see for yourself. They were Big 10 referee's by the way, which Ohio St. belongs to.
5. Brady Tucking It In
Game: Jan. 19, 2002 AFC Divisional Playoff game between the Patriots and Raiders in a blizzard. Known as "The Snow Job"
The Controversy: Tom Brady went back to pass late in the game, was sacked and fumbled the football. The Raiders recovered, but the play was reviewed and ruled an incomplete pass due to one of the stupidest rules in the NFL, the Tuck Rule (any attempt to pass by moving your arm forward in any way is ruled a pass, even if the QB doesn't intend to pass). The Patriots went on to win the game and the Super Bowl. The Raiders have since been doomed to be awful ever year after.
Judge for yourself, the play occurs at the 3:30 mark in the clip
4. Maier Saves the Day
Game: 1996 A.L. Championship Series Game 1, NY Yankees vs. Baltimore Orioles @ Yankee Stadium
The Controversy: Stud Yankee SS Derek Jeter (you may have heard of him) hit a deep fly ball to right field with the Yankees down 4-3 in the Bottom of the 8th. Orioles RF Tony Torasco went back to the fence, was about to catch it, and 12-Year Old Jeffery Maier (now a MLB scout with the Brewers) reached over the fence and deflected the ball into the stands and Umpire Rich Garcia called it a Home Run. (Maier didn't even get the ball and Garcia later admitted to blowing the call. The Yankees won the game and the World Series anyway)
No video available but the photo should be enough:
"The Catch"
3. Miracle in Music City
Game: January 8, 2000. NFL Wild Card Playoff Game. Tennessee Titans vs. Buffalo Bills.
The Controversy: With 16 seconds remaining, the Bills kicked a Field Goal to go ahead 16-15. On the ensuing kickoff, the Bills squib kicked (kicking it directly in the ground so the opposing team would have to return it, much shorter than an actual kickoff) the ball and Lorenzo Neal picked it up, lateraled to Frank Wycheck, who "lateraled" to Kevin Dyson, who ran it 75 yards to score as time expired, to win the game. Officials reviewed the play and determined it was a lateral. The final lateral from Wycheck to Dyson is almost asymmetrical, as it seemed to be forwards but has been considered on an exact line. A forward pass is illegal but there is no rule on a pass that is neither forward nor backward which this one seemed to be.
You Decide:
2. Hand of God Goal
Game: Argentina vs. England in a 1986 World Cup Quarterfinal Match. The rivalry between the two was, and still is, fierce as they had just fought each other in the Falklands War 4 years earlier. Also, England thinks they own the world.
The Controversy: At the start of the 2nd half, score 0-0, Argentina had the ball deep in England's zone. An English defender tried to clear the ball but instead kicked it toward his own goal. Argentine player Diego Maradona ran toward the ball, hit it with his fist into the goal and the goal was allowed, as nobody realized it was an illegal hand ball. Maradona, later in the game, scored what is considered the best goal ever scored in World Cup history. (Goal of the Century) Argentina went on to win 2-1 and won the entire World Cup. The English are still pissed and I'm still laughing at them.
It hit his hand but who cares. England's won enough battles. Watch it and laugh at England:
1. "The Play"
Game: 1982 Cal-Stanford College Football Game, the 85th straight meeting between the 2 schools. Stanford needed a win to make a bowl game, as they were led by future hall of famer John Elway.
The Controversy: As Stanford took the lead with just 5 seconds left 20-19, they squib kicked it to Cal, who only had 10 men on the field, one less than the usual 11 (that's not illegal). It's claimed that Dwight Gardner was down before he lateraled (at the 16 second mark in the video), that the final lateral was forward (22 second mark), which is illegal, and that the TD shouldn't have counted since the band was on the field, which is the most ridiculous thing ever to happen in sports. It's impossible to tell if the first 2 claims have any warrant at all and probably were called correctly. The band on the field is a difficult one, since there really isn't a rule regarding such a situation. It will live on as the craziest, strangest, very controversial and most memorable college football play of all time.
You've seen it, here it is if you want to see it again:
There you have it. Nothing like a little controversy to get the blood going. Life is all about it. Hope you enjoyed this edition and keep tuning in. Until next time, se du senere.
6. Phantom Interference
Game: 2002 College Football Nat'l Championship Game. Ohio State vs. Miami (FL)
The Controversey: In the first overtime, Miami had scored a touchdown. Ohio St. faced a 4th down with future Bears QB Craig Krenzel manning the offense. He threw a fade in the back of the end zone, which Chris Gamble went up for but couldn't make the grab. A Miami defender made some light contact, drawing a ridiculously late and unnecessary penalty flag. Miami went on to lose in the next Overtime.
Watch and see for yourself. They were Big 10 referee's by the way, which Ohio St. belongs to.
5. Brady Tucking It In
Game: Jan. 19, 2002 AFC Divisional Playoff game between the Patriots and Raiders in a blizzard. Known as "The Snow Job"
The Controversy: Tom Brady went back to pass late in the game, was sacked and fumbled the football. The Raiders recovered, but the play was reviewed and ruled an incomplete pass due to one of the stupidest rules in the NFL, the Tuck Rule (any attempt to pass by moving your arm forward in any way is ruled a pass, even if the QB doesn't intend to pass). The Patriots went on to win the game and the Super Bowl. The Raiders have since been doomed to be awful ever year after.
Judge for yourself, the play occurs at the 3:30 mark in the clip
4. Maier Saves the Day
Game: 1996 A.L. Championship Series Game 1, NY Yankees vs. Baltimore Orioles @ Yankee Stadium
The Controversy: Stud Yankee SS Derek Jeter (you may have heard of him) hit a deep fly ball to right field with the Yankees down 4-3 in the Bottom of the 8th. Orioles RF Tony Torasco went back to the fence, was about to catch it, and 12-Year Old Jeffery Maier (now a MLB scout with the Brewers) reached over the fence and deflected the ball into the stands and Umpire Rich Garcia called it a Home Run. (Maier didn't even get the ball and Garcia later admitted to blowing the call. The Yankees won the game and the World Series anyway)
No video available but the photo should be enough:
"The Catch"3. Miracle in Music City
Game: January 8, 2000. NFL Wild Card Playoff Game. Tennessee Titans vs. Buffalo Bills.
The Controversy: With 16 seconds remaining, the Bills kicked a Field Goal to go ahead 16-15. On the ensuing kickoff, the Bills squib kicked (kicking it directly in the ground so the opposing team would have to return it, much shorter than an actual kickoff) the ball and Lorenzo Neal picked it up, lateraled to Frank Wycheck, who "lateraled" to Kevin Dyson, who ran it 75 yards to score as time expired, to win the game. Officials reviewed the play and determined it was a lateral. The final lateral from Wycheck to Dyson is almost asymmetrical, as it seemed to be forwards but has been considered on an exact line. A forward pass is illegal but there is no rule on a pass that is neither forward nor backward which this one seemed to be.
You Decide:
2. Hand of God Goal
Game: Argentina vs. England in a 1986 World Cup Quarterfinal Match. The rivalry between the two was, and still is, fierce as they had just fought each other in the Falklands War 4 years earlier. Also, England thinks they own the world.
The Controversy: At the start of the 2nd half, score 0-0, Argentina had the ball deep in England's zone. An English defender tried to clear the ball but instead kicked it toward his own goal. Argentine player Diego Maradona ran toward the ball, hit it with his fist into the goal and the goal was allowed, as nobody realized it was an illegal hand ball. Maradona, later in the game, scored what is considered the best goal ever scored in World Cup history. (Goal of the Century) Argentina went on to win 2-1 and won the entire World Cup. The English are still pissed and I'm still laughing at them.
It hit his hand but who cares. England's won enough battles. Watch it and laugh at England:
1. "The Play"
Game: 1982 Cal-Stanford College Football Game, the 85th straight meeting between the 2 schools. Stanford needed a win to make a bowl game, as they were led by future hall of famer John Elway.
The Controversy: As Stanford took the lead with just 5 seconds left 20-19, they squib kicked it to Cal, who only had 10 men on the field, one less than the usual 11 (that's not illegal). It's claimed that Dwight Gardner was down before he lateraled (at the 16 second mark in the video), that the final lateral was forward (22 second mark), which is illegal, and that the TD shouldn't have counted since the band was on the field, which is the most ridiculous thing ever to happen in sports. It's impossible to tell if the first 2 claims have any warrant at all and probably were called correctly. The band on the field is a difficult one, since there really isn't a rule regarding such a situation. It will live on as the craziest, strangest, very controversial and most memorable college football play of all time.
You've seen it, here it is if you want to see it again:
There you have it. Nothing like a little controversy to get the blood going. Life is all about it. Hope you enjoyed this edition and keep tuning in. Until next time, se du senere.
Monday, October 29, 2007
"One More, Please"
Right now, American soldiers are dying in Iraq. Children are starving in Africa while their parents battle HIV. French people are still alive. American Idol is coming back next January. So often, the biggest tragedies in life are the ones that end it. They are the 7-year old's caught in crossfires. The perfect kid who died young because of crazy circumstances. Four teenagers getting hit by a drunk driver and the driver being the only survivor. Life's not all peaches and cream, as you've probably figured out by now. One day, you're going to mutter your last word on this Earth. Today, in honor of the season, I'll examine the people who used those last words to their utmost ability. Whether it be ironic, touching, funny, or just defiant, there are The 7 Best Last Words. Oh, the title of the blog tells you my last words.
7. "I'm ashamed of you dodging that way, they couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."
Who Said It? Civil War General Jon Sedgwick
Why's it so good? Perhaps the most ironic thing anyone has ever said, as Gen. Sedgwick was struck with a bullet to the head moments later. Some say he didn't even finish the sentence. This quote shows you why you should never get too cocky. Chances are, the bullet wasn't even aimed at him, it just managed to find it's way through the air and hit him square in the head right after he finished this bizarrely ironic quote. Future President Ulysses S. Grant, at the scene, was so astonished that he said "Um, Is he really dead?". Crazy.
6. "Friends applaud, the comedy is finished"
Who said it? Composer Ludwig Van Beethoven
Why's it so good? Well, this quote would have been shite if said by anyone else. Not to mention the fact that he couldn't even hear their applause. If all our lives were as interesting as Beethoven's, the perscription drug industry would rule the world. However, Beethoven's life was filled with numerous hardships that would make anyone crazy. Yet the man produced some of the most beautiful works of music ever produced. So applaud people, even if you weren't friends.
5. "Get out! Last words are for those who haven't said enough."
Who Said It? Communist Manifesto author Karl Marx
Why's it so good? Although I hate Marx, his last words ring true. As his maid wanted to write down some prophetic thought that would be remembered for years, Marx dismissed her. His last line is so true. Those who think they need last words to be immortalized haven't done enough in life to warrant rememberence. Ironically and unfortunately for Marx, his last words are remembered anyway. Tough break, Karl. Maybe you shouldn't have invented communism you fat Russian bastard.
4. "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martini's."
Who Said It? Legendary Actor and Casablanca star, Humphrey Bogart
Why's it so good? Putting my love of alcohol aside, Bogart's line leaves nothing to the imagination. Besides, why would any sane man switch from scotch to martini's? Vodka is for women. Unless he was having Gin Martini's, which are just plain disgusting---like pure gasoline, Bogart never should have packed it in. I just put this quote on here so you don't make the same mistake Boggie did. Martini's will be the end of you. Trust me, they drove my grandma over the edge.
3. "Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well, let 'em wait"
Who Said It? American Revolutionary War General Ethan Allen, also founded the store. Maybe.
Why's it so good? His doctor was telling him that angels are waiting for him as he said this. The ultimate defiance. Let angels wait? On YOU? Wow. This is definitely I would say, but not while I'm dying, more like when someone's waiting for me. Anyways, Allen's refusal to let the angels take him a moment before he's ready is funny for one reason: these are his last words. So the angels basically said "GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR MISTER, BEFORE I SMACK THAT BOTTOM TIL IT'S RED!" You do not want to piss off angels because then you're going to hell. Trust me, I already made a few angry.
2. "30 good ones are better than 60 shitty ones."
Who Said it? Alledgedly John Lennon, but if not him, I'll say it when I die at 30
Why's it so good? Because it's so true. Not everyone gets to live like a fucking rock star for any part of their lives. If your lucky enough to find happiness for an extended period of time, then you sir have lived longer and better than anyone. People say that they are happy, but most of the time they aren't. Being on tour around the world as a musical demi-god, hanging out with your friends drinking, doing drugs, and chilling, and being madly in love. That is happiness. Some say not. Those some are lying. So if you get to live 25 good years and you look over at some 63 year old alcoholic who had a terrible life, just remember that you had it good. Not everyone does.
1. "This is no time to make new enemies."
Who Said It? French Enlightenment writer Voltaire
Why's it #1? Well, at first it looks OK. But as a priest asks him to renounce Satan on his deathbed, this is what Voltaire said. Nevermind that he's French, imagine the look on the priest's face as he said this. But it's true. Chances are, your already on God's bad side. The last thing you want to do is piss off Satan anymore than he already is. Have you seen hell? It is humid, fiery, and people torture you for eternity. So wouldn't you rather have your torturer be named Frank than Brutus Maximus? Voltaire, although French, is the most clever deathbed sayer guy. It's too bad the French haven't won anything since.
Aside from my insults directed at the French, I think this was a rather civilized blog today. I must be doing something wrong then. I'll be back before you know it (think about that phrase, "before you know it". How does that make sense in any way? Before you know what? Before you know i'll be back? Well, obviously! Ugh, I'm confused) Anyways, enjoy your respective Halloween's and stay exactly the same as you are until I return.
Do svidaniya!
7. "I'm ashamed of you dodging that way, they couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."
Who Said It? Civil War General Jon Sedgwick
Why's it so good? Perhaps the most ironic thing anyone has ever said, as Gen. Sedgwick was struck with a bullet to the head moments later. Some say he didn't even finish the sentence. This quote shows you why you should never get too cocky. Chances are, the bullet wasn't even aimed at him, it just managed to find it's way through the air and hit him square in the head right after he finished this bizarrely ironic quote. Future President Ulysses S. Grant, at the scene, was so astonished that he said "Um, Is he really dead?". Crazy.
6. "Friends applaud, the comedy is finished"
Who said it? Composer Ludwig Van Beethoven
Why's it so good? Well, this quote would have been shite if said by anyone else. Not to mention the fact that he couldn't even hear their applause. If all our lives were as interesting as Beethoven's, the perscription drug industry would rule the world. However, Beethoven's life was filled with numerous hardships that would make anyone crazy. Yet the man produced some of the most beautiful works of music ever produced. So applaud people, even if you weren't friends.
5. "Get out! Last words are for those who haven't said enough."
Who Said It? Communist Manifesto author Karl Marx
Why's it so good? Although I hate Marx, his last words ring true. As his maid wanted to write down some prophetic thought that would be remembered for years, Marx dismissed her. His last line is so true. Those who think they need last words to be immortalized haven't done enough in life to warrant rememberence. Ironically and unfortunately for Marx, his last words are remembered anyway. Tough break, Karl. Maybe you shouldn't have invented communism you fat Russian bastard.
4. "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martini's."
Who Said It? Legendary Actor and Casablanca star, Humphrey Bogart
Why's it so good? Putting my love of alcohol aside, Bogart's line leaves nothing to the imagination. Besides, why would any sane man switch from scotch to martini's? Vodka is for women. Unless he was having Gin Martini's, which are just plain disgusting---like pure gasoline, Bogart never should have packed it in. I just put this quote on here so you don't make the same mistake Boggie did. Martini's will be the end of you. Trust me, they drove my grandma over the edge.
3. "Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well, let 'em wait"
Who Said It? American Revolutionary War General Ethan Allen, also founded the store. Maybe.
Why's it so good? His doctor was telling him that angels are waiting for him as he said this. The ultimate defiance. Let angels wait? On YOU? Wow. This is definitely I would say, but not while I'm dying, more like when someone's waiting for me. Anyways, Allen's refusal to let the angels take him a moment before he's ready is funny for one reason: these are his last words. So the angels basically said "GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR MISTER, BEFORE I SMACK THAT BOTTOM TIL IT'S RED!" You do not want to piss off angels because then you're going to hell. Trust me, I already made a few angry.
2. "30 good ones are better than 60 shitty ones."
Who Said it? Alledgedly John Lennon, but if not him, I'll say it when I die at 30
Why's it so good? Because it's so true. Not everyone gets to live like a fucking rock star for any part of their lives. If your lucky enough to find happiness for an extended period of time, then you sir have lived longer and better than anyone. People say that they are happy, but most of the time they aren't. Being on tour around the world as a musical demi-god, hanging out with your friends drinking, doing drugs, and chilling, and being madly in love. That is happiness. Some say not. Those some are lying. So if you get to live 25 good years and you look over at some 63 year old alcoholic who had a terrible life, just remember that you had it good. Not everyone does.
1. "This is no time to make new enemies."
Who Said It? French Enlightenment writer Voltaire
Why's it #1? Well, at first it looks OK. But as a priest asks him to renounce Satan on his deathbed, this is what Voltaire said. Nevermind that he's French, imagine the look on the priest's face as he said this. But it's true. Chances are, your already on God's bad side. The last thing you want to do is piss off Satan anymore than he already is. Have you seen hell? It is humid, fiery, and people torture you for eternity. So wouldn't you rather have your torturer be named Frank than Brutus Maximus? Voltaire, although French, is the most clever deathbed sayer guy. It's too bad the French haven't won anything since.
Aside from my insults directed at the French, I think this was a rather civilized blog today. I must be doing something wrong then. I'll be back before you know it (think about that phrase, "before you know it". How does that make sense in any way? Before you know what? Before you know i'll be back? Well, obviously! Ugh, I'm confused) Anyways, enjoy your respective Halloween's and stay exactly the same as you are until I return.
Do svidaniya!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Last Song on the Playlist, First in Your Heart
Everybody has their guilty pleasures. Some enjoy bad movies. Some enjoy stupid reality TV. Fat people like chocolate, bad TV, and bad movies. However, music seems to take a special place in our hearts, as our lives really can be defined by a playlist. Ever hear a song and think "god, did they write that about me?" Well, it happens to me all the time. There are some songs though that weren't written about you. Or anyone. Or anything, really. These are the 7 Best Worst Songs. The songs that are horribly catchy, awesomely annoying, and everytime you hear it you want to just sing it really loud but are wayyyyyy too embarrassed. Be embarrassed no more. Sing. But read this first.
7. 4 Non Blondes, "What's Up?"
Why's it bad? Well, when your chorus is "hey hey hey hey hey a what's going on?" you may want to think about hiring a newsongwriter or stop using heroin. They lyrics are really nonsensical as "Getting really high and screaming at the top of my lungs a what's going on?" is not something a sane person would do.
Why it's secretly good? Like all the songs on this list, "What's Up?" has only lived on due to drunk karaoke singing. It's easy to sing, it's catchy, and people go "Hey! I know this song!" when they hear it. Although it may live on in infamy, it will live on. Which is more than you can say for most songs.
Video: "What's Up?"
6. Europe, "The Final Countdown"
Why's it bad? If you haven't looked at the lyrics, I did for you. Nobody would guess it, but this song's actually about space travel. That's right, those lyrics in between the amazing chorus are "Heading to Venus but we'll stand tall". Also, this song is like 4 and a half minutes and the lyrics page is like 12 lines long. So, they weren't very creative.
Why it's secretly good? Ummm, have you heard the synthesizer in the background? Rarely can a song with so little to say actually say so much. It is one of the biggest "pump up songs" of all time and is Gob's theme song. (Bonus points if you understand that.)
Video:
5. Tommy Tutone, "867-5309"
Why's it bad? Besides the fact that it must have spurred a number of prank calls to the very number, it's a song in which the chorus is a PHONE NUMBER! "Jenny, don't change your number, 8675309" That is not a lyric. That is something you say when....actually, no, nobody would ever say that to be honest. It's simply idiotic. "I got your number on the wall"? A tad creepy, no?
Why it's secretly good? Who really cares about the lyrics in the end? The song's catchy, the band's name is strangely inventive, and at least the numbers rhyme. It's better than "555-8836". You can't blame the band for creating such a catchy pop song, no matter how weird, stupid, and useless the lyrics are. They are basically saying "Shut up and enjoy or just shut up".
Video:
4. Dexy's Midnight Runners, "Come on Eileen"
Why's it bad? Under the catchy chorus, people often fail to realize how dirty and disgusting this song really is. This song is actually about coming on Eileen. And I mean coming with a "u" instead of an "o". "Come on, Eileen, I swear well he means, Ah come on let's take off everything". Now I've got nothing against songs about sex, but when you don't insert good grammar and one of the lyrics is "Go Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye" WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Why it's secretly good? Like the list, it's catchy. You can sing it, dance to it, or tell people what it's really about and see them look shocked. As dirty as the song may be, at least they had to courage to actually write and sing it.
Video:
3. LFO, "Summer Girls" tied w/ LFO, "Every Other Time
Why they're bad? If you have heard any LFO lyric ever written, then you know why these songs are on the list. Although Summer Girls got more airplay, Every Other Time is just as nonsensical. "Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking, Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton". Perhaps the group with the most dumb songs in the history of music, LFO seemed to defined this list. "Come On Eileen"? This is way worse.
Why they're secretly good? Because it's LFO and they're lyrics make you feel smart. They are so dumb, so nonsensical, that it doesn't even matter. It's like a car accident you can't look away from, only for your ears. Somehow, they make it work. Sort of.
Video(s):
2. The Proclaimers, "I Would Walk 500 Miles"
Why's it bad? The lyrics are very repetitive, lack imigination, and nobody would really walk 500 miles. Plus, if you listen to this song too much you will blow out your brains. "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more". I think not, that's like New York City to St. Louis. When the redeeming factor of your song is found in the lyrics "DA-DA-DA-DA", you may have problems.
Why it's secretly good? Because who doesn't like screaming out the redeeming lyrics? Sure, it may not be the smartest set of words put together, but sometimes less is more. Besides, the title is more of a metaphor for love, I think. I hope. Advice: don't sing this song by yourself at Karaoke Night. You will look like an asshole.
1. Jefferson Starship, "We Built This City"
Why's it bad? Because it is. It's the kind of shitty pop music that is simply made to sell records, not entertain. "Marconi plays the mamba"? Yea, so does my mom. Who the hell is Marconi? Why is there a traffic report in the middle of the song? "It's just another Sunday, in a tired old street, police have got the chokehold, and we just lost the beat." I could spend hours telling you how stupid that very line of music is. But then I would go insane.
Why it's secretly good? As much as the world hates to admit it, there is no song ever made that is a song people love to hate. It's like a good actor playing a villian. Except in this case, the villian is a band that has changed their name seemingly so you'd forget who they were and like them again, and the victim being '80s rock music. But who wouldn't like to build a city on rock n roll? That would be a pretty badass city.
Video:
I hope you enjoyed (or didn't) these 7 horribly awesome songs. I will be back soon enough to quench your thirst for the facts. Remember, others lists are a matter of opinion. Mine? Fact. Now that I have YouTube as another tool in my "Arsenal of Awesomeness", there is nothing that can stop me from becoming the most important blogger on the internet. Except Adriana Huffington. She's pretty popular.
Adios, hermana!
7. 4 Non Blondes, "What's Up?"
Why's it bad? Well, when your chorus is "hey hey hey hey hey a what's going on?" you may want to think about hiring a newsongwriter or stop using heroin. They lyrics are really nonsensical as "Getting really high and screaming at the top of my lungs a what's going on?" is not something a sane person would do.
Why it's secretly good? Like all the songs on this list, "What's Up?" has only lived on due to drunk karaoke singing. It's easy to sing, it's catchy, and people go "Hey! I know this song!" when they hear it. Although it may live on in infamy, it will live on. Which is more than you can say for most songs.
Video: "What's Up?"
6. Europe, "The Final Countdown"
Why's it bad? If you haven't looked at the lyrics, I did for you. Nobody would guess it, but this song's actually about space travel. That's right, those lyrics in between the amazing chorus are "Heading to Venus but we'll stand tall". Also, this song is like 4 and a half minutes and the lyrics page is like 12 lines long. So, they weren't very creative.
Why it's secretly good? Ummm, have you heard the synthesizer in the background? Rarely can a song with so little to say actually say so much. It is one of the biggest "pump up songs" of all time and is Gob's theme song. (Bonus points if you understand that.)
Video:
5. Tommy Tutone, "867-5309"
Why's it bad? Besides the fact that it must have spurred a number of prank calls to the very number, it's a song in which the chorus is a PHONE NUMBER! "Jenny, don't change your number, 8675309" That is not a lyric. That is something you say when....actually, no, nobody would ever say that to be honest. It's simply idiotic. "I got your number on the wall"? A tad creepy, no?
Why it's secretly good? Who really cares about the lyrics in the end? The song's catchy, the band's name is strangely inventive, and at least the numbers rhyme. It's better than "555-8836". You can't blame the band for creating such a catchy pop song, no matter how weird, stupid, and useless the lyrics are. They are basically saying "Shut up and enjoy or just shut up".
Video:
4. Dexy's Midnight Runners, "Come on Eileen"
Why's it bad? Under the catchy chorus, people often fail to realize how dirty and disgusting this song really is. This song is actually about coming on Eileen. And I mean coming with a "u" instead of an "o". "Come on, Eileen, I swear well he means, Ah come on let's take off everything". Now I've got nothing against songs about sex, but when you don't insert good grammar and one of the lyrics is "Go Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye" WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Why it's secretly good? Like the list, it's catchy. You can sing it, dance to it, or tell people what it's really about and see them look shocked. As dirty as the song may be, at least they had to courage to actually write and sing it.
Video:
3. LFO, "Summer Girls" tied w/ LFO, "Every Other Time
Why they're bad? If you have heard any LFO lyric ever written, then you know why these songs are on the list. Although Summer Girls got more airplay, Every Other Time is just as nonsensical. "Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking, Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton". Perhaps the group with the most dumb songs in the history of music, LFO seemed to defined this list. "Come On Eileen"? This is way worse.
Why they're secretly good? Because it's LFO and they're lyrics make you feel smart. They are so dumb, so nonsensical, that it doesn't even matter. It's like a car accident you can't look away from, only for your ears. Somehow, they make it work. Sort of.
Video(s):
2. The Proclaimers, "I Would Walk 500 Miles"
Why's it bad? The lyrics are very repetitive, lack imigination, and nobody would really walk 500 miles. Plus, if you listen to this song too much you will blow out your brains. "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more". I think not, that's like New York City to St. Louis. When the redeeming factor of your song is found in the lyrics "DA-DA-DA-DA", you may have problems.
Why it's secretly good? Because who doesn't like screaming out the redeeming lyrics? Sure, it may not be the smartest set of words put together, but sometimes less is more. Besides, the title is more of a metaphor for love, I think. I hope. Advice: don't sing this song by yourself at Karaoke Night. You will look like an asshole.
1. Jefferson Starship, "We Built This City"
Why's it bad? Because it is. It's the kind of shitty pop music that is simply made to sell records, not entertain. "Marconi plays the mamba"? Yea, so does my mom. Who the hell is Marconi? Why is there a traffic report in the middle of the song? "It's just another Sunday, in a tired old street, police have got the chokehold, and we just lost the beat." I could spend hours telling you how stupid that very line of music is. But then I would go insane.
Why it's secretly good? As much as the world hates to admit it, there is no song ever made that is a song people love to hate. It's like a good actor playing a villian. Except in this case, the villian is a band that has changed their name seemingly so you'd forget who they were and like them again, and the victim being '80s rock music. But who wouldn't like to build a city on rock n roll? That would be a pretty badass city.
Video:
I hope you enjoyed (or didn't) these 7 horribly awesome songs. I will be back soon enough to quench your thirst for the facts. Remember, others lists are a matter of opinion. Mine? Fact. Now that I have YouTube as another tool in my "Arsenal of Awesomeness", there is nothing that can stop me from becoming the most important blogger on the internet. Except Adriana Huffington. She's pretty popular.
Adios, hermana!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Watch----At Your Own Risk
Music videos have been a staple of our culture since MTV began. However, there are some music videos that must have been written by 3rd Graders, Crackheads, or people who are just plain insane. I'll show you the 5 Strangest Music Videos ever made. But beware, watching these might make you take acid when your 31 at your 6 year old's birthday party and tackle the pinata while screaming "HONEY! THE CANDY IS FROM CANDDDDDDDYLAND!!!!!" It's a slippery slope from there, trust me.
#5: Leonard Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
The Deal: If you don't know already, Leonard Nimoy is Spock from the original Stark Trek show and movies. Also if you didn't know, Bilbo Baggins IS the main character from Lord of The Rings. An odd combination? You have no idea.
What/Who Wrote It? Clearly, this video was produced by a 12 year old who had just finished the book and a healthy dose of mushrooms. How this song was ever written, yet made into this unintentionally hilariously disturbing video is beyond the realm of human understanding. But watch and, uhhhhh, enjoy?
4. Mika "Love Today"
The Deal: "The Beirut-ey Patootey", as I assume he's called, is a Lebanese British pop singer who looks like a cross between Sanjaya and Paula Abdul, while managing to bring his voice down lower than Freddie Mercury (Queen's lead singer) performing "My Heart Will Go On".
Who/What Wrote It? While the jury is still out on this one, I'm sure all the colors, flashyness, homosexual overtones can be attributed to a healthy dose of (hmmmm how do i say this without sounding vulgar?) penis in the ass.
3. The Chemical Brothers, "Do It Again"
The Deal: I'm not sure, but I think the Chemical Brothers are a little off. After searching through a few of their videos, I decided that they all could have made the top countdown. But, for diversity's sake, I decided to choose this one. I just hope your brain doesn't explode.
What/Who Wrote It? Meth. Pure Meth. Well, judging that it takes place in one the most opium infested places on Earth, they may have mixed in a tad bit of that too. I won't blame you if you start gyrating uncontrollably after watching this or gives you a seizure. The paramedics never saw me that bad before.
2. Secret Mommy, "Kool Aid River"
The Deal: Well, it's no surprise this guy is Canadian. However, his electro-punk music has taken Canada by storm and no I'm not being serious. His solo song here is not so much a song, as much as its the most annoying garbage that you will ever hear. Think techno-Fergie but as a man. You'll know what I'm talking about.
What/Who Wrote This? Although Secret Mommy, whose band name is enough for mothers to hide their children from him, claims he wrote and produced the song and video, I don't believe him. This is like a 4 minute video for one of those subliminal Sprite videos, except it makes even less sense and I'm not quite sure what he's advertising. Definitely some amphetamines involved in this one. I'm trying to decide between Ecstasy or Speed.
1. David Hasselhoff, "Hooked On a Feeling"
The Deal: The "Kraut with too much Stout" or "That Guy From Baywatch" is somehow beloved in Germany. Taking advantage of his seemingly baffling popularity, Hasselhoff began drinking himself into a stupor everyday and started doing everything from music videos, amateur YouTube videos, and drunken papparazzi videos. Not surprisingly, they are all the same thing.
Who/What Wrote This? Well, I'm sure alcohol had a part. But this goes much deeper. Not even LSD can write this video. I think Hasselhoff and his buddies got in a circle and passed around a bottle of absinthe, some Acid tablets, and a pipe full of peyote. This video is racist, horribly produced, and, above all else, the most disturbing piece of video ever shot on camera. Ever.
I'm sorry for that. But now you know--drugs are bad for you. And if you think you have a hard life, think of the people that have to produce these videos. Especially the last one. Yikes. So, until next time, I leave you with a Alex Trabek montage of him drinking and yelling an immmense amount of profanity while shooting a Jeopardy! commercial. Enjoy.
#5: Leonard Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
The Deal: If you don't know already, Leonard Nimoy is Spock from the original Stark Trek show and movies. Also if you didn't know, Bilbo Baggins IS the main character from Lord of The Rings. An odd combination? You have no idea.
What/Who Wrote It? Clearly, this video was produced by a 12 year old who had just finished the book and a healthy dose of mushrooms. How this song was ever written, yet made into this unintentionally hilariously disturbing video is beyond the realm of human understanding. But watch and, uhhhhh, enjoy?
4. Mika "Love Today"
The Deal: "The Beirut-ey Patootey", as I assume he's called, is a Lebanese British pop singer who looks like a cross between Sanjaya and Paula Abdul, while managing to bring his voice down lower than Freddie Mercury (Queen's lead singer) performing "My Heart Will Go On".
Who/What Wrote It? While the jury is still out on this one, I'm sure all the colors, flashyness, homosexual overtones can be attributed to a healthy dose of (hmmmm how do i say this without sounding vulgar?) penis in the ass.
3. The Chemical Brothers, "Do It Again"
The Deal: I'm not sure, but I think the Chemical Brothers are a little off. After searching through a few of their videos, I decided that they all could have made the top countdown. But, for diversity's sake, I decided to choose this one. I just hope your brain doesn't explode.
What/Who Wrote It? Meth. Pure Meth. Well, judging that it takes place in one the most opium infested places on Earth, they may have mixed in a tad bit of that too. I won't blame you if you start gyrating uncontrollably after watching this or gives you a seizure. The paramedics never saw me that bad before.
2. Secret Mommy, "Kool Aid River"
The Deal: Well, it's no surprise this guy is Canadian. However, his electro-punk music has taken Canada by storm and no I'm not being serious. His solo song here is not so much a song, as much as its the most annoying garbage that you will ever hear. Think techno-Fergie but as a man. You'll know what I'm talking about.
What/Who Wrote This? Although Secret Mommy, whose band name is enough for mothers to hide their children from him, claims he wrote and produced the song and video, I don't believe him. This is like a 4 minute video for one of those subliminal Sprite videos, except it makes even less sense and I'm not quite sure what he's advertising. Definitely some amphetamines involved in this one. I'm trying to decide between Ecstasy or Speed.
1. David Hasselhoff, "Hooked On a Feeling"
The Deal: The "Kraut with too much Stout" or "That Guy From Baywatch" is somehow beloved in Germany. Taking advantage of his seemingly baffling popularity, Hasselhoff began drinking himself into a stupor everyday and started doing everything from music videos, amateur YouTube videos, and drunken papparazzi videos. Not surprisingly, they are all the same thing.
Who/What Wrote This? Well, I'm sure alcohol had a part. But this goes much deeper. Not even LSD can write this video. I think Hasselhoff and his buddies got in a circle and passed around a bottle of absinthe, some Acid tablets, and a pipe full of peyote. This video is racist, horribly produced, and, above all else, the most disturbing piece of video ever shot on camera. Ever.
I'm sorry for that. But now you know--drugs are bad for you. And if you think you have a hard life, think of the people that have to produce these videos. Especially the last one. Yikes. So, until next time, I leave you with a Alex Trabek montage of him drinking and yelling an immmense amount of profanity while shooting a Jeopardy! commercial. Enjoy.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
What a Joke
If you look around sports, it's not all about winning and losing. Take the Kansas City Royals. Their season has been over since April, but they need to stay loose to go out there and play for new contracts and the like. So, joking around is a part of sports. But there are just teams and people in sports that catch the ire of so many people consistently. So, today, let's examine the Top 10 Biggest Running Jokes in Sports. Because if sports were all serious, many Cubs fans would have committed suicide long ago.
10. L.A. Fans
You probably know that Los Angeles fans are notorious for arriving late and then leaving early. Why, after all, there is too much to do in Los Angeles to be sitting in a baseball stadium for 3 hours straight. Why do you think Los Angeles has lost not 1, but two NFL franchises. The fans are just not interested enough, when they could be laying on the beach or chilling in Malibu. Life's too good for sports out there.
Ex: Hey Merv, the fans are pouring in here to Dodger Stadium as the Padres get their closer up in the bullpen to finish this one off.
9. Paper Bags
Long since the Saint's were even decent, many football enthusiast came to know them as the "Aint's". Fans would show up with paper bags on their heads to avoid the embarassment of being seen at one of their games. Now, more than just Saint's fans bring the paper bag along with them. Many fans have adopted the tradition. However, this loses points due to the fact that there are a lot of bad teams out there and it's not funny if you have to go to a sporting event with a paper bag over your head. It is, however, hilarious to see your rivals fans.
Ex.:
8. Portland "Jail Blazers"
Ever since the likes of Rasheed Wallace, Damon Stoudamire, and numerous other criminals joined the team, the jail that is the Portland locker room is plagued with criminals. The Trail Blazers have had 22 arrests in the last 7 years, which, by any standards is ridiculous. It might be different if they were good, but they aren't. So not only do we laugh at their ineptitude, we HAVE to give this team a nickname. The basketball Gods could not have picked a better team name for this to use as a play on words. We only have to change ONE LETTER! The Jail Blazers. Unbelievable.
Ex.:Here's a site detailing all the arrests Arrests
7. Ridiculous College Bowl Names
College football has just not learned that "less is more" when it comes to the playoffs. There is close to 30 bowl games for teams and they only require you to win 6 games to be eligible. And to make money off of every single one, they hire sponsors for most games. How about the "Gaylords Hotels Music City Bowl" or the "Chick-fil-A Bowl"? The already problematic college football system has left no room for a playoff anytime soon. After all, what would we do without the "Meineke Car Care Bowl"?
Ex.: List of Bowls: Bowl Games
6. Legal Probelms
Now more than ever the media scrutinizes every move made by athletes. So when players, especially high profile ones such as Michael Vick, run into a little trouble with the law they get it from all angles.. As you may have notices, they really get burned in the media by talk show hosts, ESPN analysts, and other people who think they know everything. Legal problems also become a problem when players travel, as fans can get pretty nasty concerning criminal activity.
Ex.: Kobe
5. Matt Millen (GM of Detroit Lions)
If there has been a General Manager more scrutinized than Millen, he must have had a heart attack. He has made some questionable moves, taking receivers in virtually every draft when that's really not what they need. Detroit fans started a "Fire Millen" website three years ago, worn paper bags on their heads at games, walked out of games, booed the Lions to get him fired, and a radio station put together a "Fire Millen" march. Detroit has never made the playoffs under Millen and fans are dumbfounded as to how this guy is still in charge. Obviously, this has left him the brunt of a few jokes. I personally hope he stays in charge until he dies.
Ex.: Fire Millen
4. Major League Soccer
Now, with Beckham joining the league, the popularity of it has grown somewhat. However, the MLS is still a major stinker, with poor attendence and hideous ratings. No one from the MLS is laughing but the league is really a joke. Americans have their own football already and with so many sporting events on TV, it's really hard to create a fan base. I love soccer but this league is just pitiful. Unfortunately, it will probably take a miracle for soccer to really catch fire in the US like it is in the rest of the world.
Ex: MLS Ratings
3. Jean Van de Velde (golfer)
If you've ever watched a golf event where the leader is coming close to blowing it or starts to lose his cool, they will immediately cut to the clip of Van de Velde majorly blowing the 1999 U.S. Open. All he needed was a 6 on the last hole, a double bogey, to win. He hit it in the grandstands, he whiffed, hit it in the water, and then finally hit a miraculous shot that almost went in for the win but he settled for a seven instead. He lost in a playoff. Ever since then, Van de Velde has become the epitome of futility in golf and has never won a PGA tournament. Good thing he's French or I might actually care.
Ex.: YouTube Clip
2. The Chicago Cubs
As much as it pains me to say it, the Cubs are the biggest joke in the history of sports. But this list is about right now and they seem to be on the up and up. However, 99 years of losing, heartbreak, black cats, foul balls, misplayed potential game winning double play grounders by a surehanded shortstop. Do you want me to go on? You wonder why the Cubs fandom drinks so much? You, sir, are an idiot. After all Cubs fans have went through, it's amazing they still go to the games. Loyalty at it's finest, losing at it's best.
Ex. : Mean Anti-Cub Video by Some Gay White Sox Fan
1. Isiah Thomas and the Knicks
Well, if you know anything about sports, you know that the Knicks are a joke and it's Isiah Thomas' fault. Trading away 1st round draft picks for players like Eddy Curry, giving Jerome James, who averaged 2 points a game, 30 million dollars, washed up vets like Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, and is involved in a sexual harrassment suit that will end up costing the Knicks $11.6 million. The Knicks are usually bear the brunt of many jokes, as they have majorly underperformed, from comedians, talks shows, and fans. Pretty much everyone, actually. It is simply baffling how Isiah Thomas is employed and hilarious that the Knicks suck so bad and get made fun of all the time. It's like when some person that everyone loves and you hate, gets caught jerking off in the bathroom in school. Then everyone starts making fun of him. And you laugh really, really hard.
Ex.: Isiah Thomas Pick Up Lines
YouTube of Knicks Losing
There you have it. Funny! Hilarious! Except for #2. Good Night and Good Luck
10. L.A. Fans
You probably know that Los Angeles fans are notorious for arriving late and then leaving early. Why, after all, there is too much to do in Los Angeles to be sitting in a baseball stadium for 3 hours straight. Why do you think Los Angeles has lost not 1, but two NFL franchises. The fans are just not interested enough, when they could be laying on the beach or chilling in Malibu. Life's too good for sports out there.
Ex: Hey Merv, the fans are pouring in here to Dodger Stadium as the Padres get their closer up in the bullpen to finish this one off.
9. Paper Bags
Long since the Saint's were even decent, many football enthusiast came to know them as the "Aint's". Fans would show up with paper bags on their heads to avoid the embarassment of being seen at one of their games. Now, more than just Saint's fans bring the paper bag along with them. Many fans have adopted the tradition. However, this loses points due to the fact that there are a lot of bad teams out there and it's not funny if you have to go to a sporting event with a paper bag over your head. It is, however, hilarious to see your rivals fans.
Ex.:
8. Portland "Jail Blazers"
Ever since the likes of Rasheed Wallace, Damon Stoudamire, and numerous other criminals joined the team, the jail that is the Portland locker room is plagued with criminals. The Trail Blazers have had 22 arrests in the last 7 years, which, by any standards is ridiculous. It might be different if they were good, but they aren't. So not only do we laugh at their ineptitude, we HAVE to give this team a nickname. The basketball Gods could not have picked a better team name for this to use as a play on words. We only have to change ONE LETTER! The Jail Blazers. Unbelievable.
Ex.:Here's a site detailing all the arrests Arrests
7. Ridiculous College Bowl Names
College football has just not learned that "less is more" when it comes to the playoffs. There is close to 30 bowl games for teams and they only require you to win 6 games to be eligible. And to make money off of every single one, they hire sponsors for most games. How about the "Gaylords Hotels Music City Bowl" or the "Chick-fil-A Bowl"? The already problematic college football system has left no room for a playoff anytime soon. After all, what would we do without the "Meineke Car Care Bowl"?
Ex.: List of Bowls: Bowl Games
6. Legal Probelms
Now more than ever the media scrutinizes every move made by athletes. So when players, especially high profile ones such as Michael Vick, run into a little trouble with the law they get it from all angles.. As you may have notices, they really get burned in the media by talk show hosts, ESPN analysts, and other people who think they know everything. Legal problems also become a problem when players travel, as fans can get pretty nasty concerning criminal activity.
Ex.: Kobe
5. Matt Millen (GM of Detroit Lions)
If there has been a General Manager more scrutinized than Millen, he must have had a heart attack. He has made some questionable moves, taking receivers in virtually every draft when that's really not what they need. Detroit fans started a "Fire Millen" website three years ago, worn paper bags on their heads at games, walked out of games, booed the Lions to get him fired, and a radio station put together a "Fire Millen" march. Detroit has never made the playoffs under Millen and fans are dumbfounded as to how this guy is still in charge. Obviously, this has left him the brunt of a few jokes. I personally hope he stays in charge until he dies.
Ex.: Fire Millen
4. Major League Soccer
Now, with Beckham joining the league, the popularity of it has grown somewhat. However, the MLS is still a major stinker, with poor attendence and hideous ratings. No one from the MLS is laughing but the league is really a joke. Americans have their own football already and with so many sporting events on TV, it's really hard to create a fan base. I love soccer but this league is just pitiful. Unfortunately, it will probably take a miracle for soccer to really catch fire in the US like it is in the rest of the world.
Ex: MLS Ratings
3. Jean Van de Velde (golfer)
If you've ever watched a golf event where the leader is coming close to blowing it or starts to lose his cool, they will immediately cut to the clip of Van de Velde majorly blowing the 1999 U.S. Open. All he needed was a 6 on the last hole, a double bogey, to win. He hit it in the grandstands, he whiffed, hit it in the water, and then finally hit a miraculous shot that almost went in for the win but he settled for a seven instead. He lost in a playoff. Ever since then, Van de Velde has become the epitome of futility in golf and has never won a PGA tournament. Good thing he's French or I might actually care.
Ex.: YouTube Clip
2. The Chicago Cubs
As much as it pains me to say it, the Cubs are the biggest joke in the history of sports. But this list is about right now and they seem to be on the up and up. However, 99 years of losing, heartbreak, black cats, foul balls, misplayed potential game winning double play grounders by a surehanded shortstop. Do you want me to go on? You wonder why the Cubs fandom drinks so much? You, sir, are an idiot. After all Cubs fans have went through, it's amazing they still go to the games. Loyalty at it's finest, losing at it's best.
Ex. : Mean Anti-Cub Video by Some Gay White Sox Fan
1. Isiah Thomas and the Knicks
Well, if you know anything about sports, you know that the Knicks are a joke and it's Isiah Thomas' fault. Trading away 1st round draft picks for players like Eddy Curry, giving Jerome James, who averaged 2 points a game, 30 million dollars, washed up vets like Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, and is involved in a sexual harrassment suit that will end up costing the Knicks $11.6 million. The Knicks are usually bear the brunt of many jokes, as they have majorly underperformed, from comedians, talks shows, and fans. Pretty much everyone, actually. It is simply baffling how Isiah Thomas is employed and hilarious that the Knicks suck so bad and get made fun of all the time. It's like when some person that everyone loves and you hate, gets caught jerking off in the bathroom in school. Then everyone starts making fun of him. And you laugh really, really hard.
Ex.: Isiah Thomas Pick Up Lines
YouTube of Knicks Losing
There you have it. Funny! Hilarious! Except for #2. Good Night and Good Luck
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Oh, Oscar
hey there again i'm back and better than ever to deliver you my oscar predictions for the coming season. if nothing else, it can help you decide what to see. if you don't like it, go see Saw XXIV due out in a few weeks. maybe your intellect is more suited for that.
Best Supporting Actor
Javier Bardem for No Country for Old Men (due out 11/21/07)
Josh Brolin for No Country for Old Men
Phil Bosco for The Savages (11/30/07)
Tom Wilkinson for Michael Clayton (10/12/07)
Armin Mueller-Stahl for Eastern Promises (already out)
The Deal: Bardem, if you watch the trailer, seems to be the strong frontrunner and definitely will get a nom. Bosco and Brolin are getting good reviews from the film festivals and Stahl is safe for now. I'm sure you've never heard of any of these guys, but you may have seen a few. You will see Bardem. Never have I been so put away by a trailer, I think he's got the oscar here.
Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett (as Bob Dylan) for I'm Not There (11/21/07)
Jennifer Jason Leigh for Margot at the Wedding (11/16/07)
Amy Ryan for Gone, Baby, Gone (10/19/07)
Saoirse Ronan for Atonement (12/07/07)
Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton
The Deal: Blanchett, playing Bob Dylan, and JJL are virtual locks at this point, although it's hard to "lock" this early. Ronan and Swinton are 3/4 for right now but I'm not too sure about Clooney's Michael Clayton flick. Ryan is a toss up because it is a Ben Affleck directed film (yikes) but it is getting raves so we'll see. Blanchett may get a lead nomination for her other movie coming out instead of this so that may come into play here as well.
Best Actor
Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood (12/26/07)
Denzel Washington for American Gangster (11/2/07)
Johnny Depp for Sweeney Todd (12/21/07)
James McAvoy for Atonement
Tommy Lee Jones for In the Valley of Elah (in theatres)
The Deal: This is still really, really early. Day-Lewis is usually great and is probably a safe bet. Denzel, as always, could go either way. McAvoy is in, unless Atonement is a big stinker, which I doubt. TLJ, according to my unnamed supersecret Hollywood sources, is the early favorite here, but just barely. He hasn't received too much recognition for his work. Depp's nomination depends on how well he can sing in the new Tim Burton movie, but I think it looks great. I'll go with Depp here only because I want too.
Best Actress
Laura Linney for The Savages
Cate Blanchett for The Golden Age (10/12/07)
Keira Knightley for ATonement
Ellen Page for Juno (released)
Nicole Kidman for Margot at the Wedding
The Deal: Again, it's early. The only lock i'd say is Blanchett because the Academy loves these Queen roles, unless the Dylan flick overshadows it. Knightley is just there, I'm thinking that'll fall through. Linney looks safe, but it's early. Page has Ebert in her corner, so she may sneak in. Kidman is simply a guess and probably not gonna happen. I'll give it to Blanchett for now. She's usually pretty good.
Best Director
Joel/Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men
Joe Wright for Atonement
James Mangold for 3:10 to Yuma (released)
Tim Burton for Sweeney Todd
Ridley Scott for American Gangster
The Deal: Coen Bro's are a lock and my pick here. I think the film's gonna be great. Burton and Scott are both toss ups because their films could be great or.....stinky. Wright is getting raves so far. Mangold was received great by everyone and bringing back the Western certainly doesn't hurt his chances.
Best Picture
The Kite Runner (12/28/07)
Atonement
No Country for Old Men
Sweeney Todd
American Gangster
The Deal: Again, Old Men is my favorite here. I'm expecting the Kite Runner to sneak in, as it has not received much attention. Atonement is getting great reviews accross the pond. I'm riding the Sweeney Todd Buzz as long as I can. American Gangster is a toss up. I'm guessing Atonement for now, but that will be subject to change.
Sorry, I know you readers hate my stupid Oscar predictions. But live with them. I'll be back soon with an intellectually stimulating column. Until then, Go Cubs
Best Supporting Actor
Javier Bardem for No Country for Old Men (due out 11/21/07)
Josh Brolin for No Country for Old Men
Phil Bosco for The Savages (11/30/07)
Tom Wilkinson for Michael Clayton (10/12/07)
Armin Mueller-Stahl for Eastern Promises (already out)
The Deal: Bardem, if you watch the trailer, seems to be the strong frontrunner and definitely will get a nom. Bosco and Brolin are getting good reviews from the film festivals and Stahl is safe for now. I'm sure you've never heard of any of these guys, but you may have seen a few. You will see Bardem. Never have I been so put away by a trailer, I think he's got the oscar here.
Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett (as Bob Dylan) for I'm Not There (11/21/07)
Jennifer Jason Leigh for Margot at the Wedding (11/16/07)
Amy Ryan for Gone, Baby, Gone (10/19/07)
Saoirse Ronan for Atonement (12/07/07)
Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton
The Deal: Blanchett, playing Bob Dylan, and JJL are virtual locks at this point, although it's hard to "lock" this early. Ronan and Swinton are 3/4 for right now but I'm not too sure about Clooney's Michael Clayton flick. Ryan is a toss up because it is a Ben Affleck directed film (yikes) but it is getting raves so we'll see. Blanchett may get a lead nomination for her other movie coming out instead of this so that may come into play here as well.
Best Actor
Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood (12/26/07)
Denzel Washington for American Gangster (11/2/07)
Johnny Depp for Sweeney Todd (12/21/07)
James McAvoy for Atonement
Tommy Lee Jones for In the Valley of Elah (in theatres)
The Deal: This is still really, really early. Day-Lewis is usually great and is probably a safe bet. Denzel, as always, could go either way. McAvoy is in, unless Atonement is a big stinker, which I doubt. TLJ, according to my unnamed supersecret Hollywood sources, is the early favorite here, but just barely. He hasn't received too much recognition for his work. Depp's nomination depends on how well he can sing in the new Tim Burton movie, but I think it looks great. I'll go with Depp here only because I want too.
Best Actress
Laura Linney for The Savages
Cate Blanchett for The Golden Age (10/12/07)
Keira Knightley for ATonement
Ellen Page for Juno (released)
Nicole Kidman for Margot at the Wedding
The Deal: Again, it's early. The only lock i'd say is Blanchett because the Academy loves these Queen roles, unless the Dylan flick overshadows it. Knightley is just there, I'm thinking that'll fall through. Linney looks safe, but it's early. Page has Ebert in her corner, so she may sneak in. Kidman is simply a guess and probably not gonna happen. I'll give it to Blanchett for now. She's usually pretty good.
Best Director
Joel/Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men
Joe Wright for Atonement
James Mangold for 3:10 to Yuma (released)
Tim Burton for Sweeney Todd
Ridley Scott for American Gangster
The Deal: Coen Bro's are a lock and my pick here. I think the film's gonna be great. Burton and Scott are both toss ups because their films could be great or.....stinky. Wright is getting raves so far. Mangold was received great by everyone and bringing back the Western certainly doesn't hurt his chances.
Best Picture
The Kite Runner (12/28/07)
Atonement
No Country for Old Men
Sweeney Todd
American Gangster
The Deal: Again, Old Men is my favorite here. I'm expecting the Kite Runner to sneak in, as it has not received much attention. Atonement is getting great reviews accross the pond. I'm riding the Sweeney Todd Buzz as long as I can. American Gangster is a toss up. I'm guessing Atonement for now, but that will be subject to change.
Sorry, I know you readers hate my stupid Oscar predictions. But live with them. I'll be back soon with an intellectually stimulating column. Until then, Go Cubs
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