Your honor(s), I'd like to introduce these songs into evidence. They've been remade, and we need your opinion on which one deserves to be recognized in music history.
Me: Thank you. I will do my best to judge these songs at their very best and make a fair decision on which one is better and deserves recognition.
See...many songs have remade throughout history. Bad ones, Great ones, and mediocre ones. Some remakes have outshined their original lyricists. And as much as you hate that I'm going to write another blog on the entertainment industry, fuck you, because music is way more interesting than the Top 7 Mistresses in History (next blog, don't worry). This blog is about music and its cover songs. The plaintiff's will be the original performers and the defendant will be the cover-er. Here's 7 Cover Song Court Cases. P.S. I'm drunk while writing this, so excuse grammatics. Fuck you, spell check, grammatics is a word.
7. Otis Redding v. Aretha Franklin
Dispute: Redding's original version of "Respect" (1965) against Franklin's version in 1967.
Plaintiff's Argument (Redding): Aretha gets all the recognition for this song even though she stole my lyrics. Most importantly, she changed the meaning of the song. This song was meant to be a plea for respect to a girl, written by a man. She totally reversed the meaning and turned it into an anthem for women, who totally control relationships anyway. Plus, I wrote this damn song and nobody even knows it is a cover. I don't appreciate my music being used as an anthem for the feminist movement, especially because the feminist movement is a load of crap. THERE! I SAID IT!
Defendant's Argument (Franklin): The feminist movement needed an anthem at the time, and I gave it to them. Also, it propelled my career as "that fat woman who can really sing." You see, women don't get enough respect and I thought Otis' lyrics were basically written for me to turn around. Not to mention my version is a much more catchy and has achieved much more respect (no pub intended) in the music industry. Otis is a great musician, but he must of been on an estrogen high while writing this song because men get plenty of respect all of the time, especially at the time this song was written. Women could barely work for half a man's salary when he wrote that song. So fuck that, I'm Aretha and I deserve a Cheeseburger.
Dolan's Verdict: I'll give it to Aretha. Her song has had much more of a lasting impact on society, as much as I hate to see feminist anthems. Aretha wins, providing that she lose some weight and that Redding stay dead, like he has for the last 40 years. Insensitive? Yes. Fair? Also Yes.
6. Elvis Presley v. Big Mama Thorton
Dispute: Thorton's original "Hound dog" (1952) against Presley's cover (1956)
Plaintiff's Argument (Big Mama): First of all, this song was written as a blues song, not a rock song. I wrote this song on the back of a paper bag and it helped us breakthrough into the industry. The song was to supposed to exemplify the relationship the pain of a man going through a relationship with a manipulative woman. This is a country blues song at heart and as a rock song, the meaning becomes distorted and catchy to the point that its more of a happy song, which it is not.
Defendant's Argument (Elvis): My version of this song shook the very foundation of rock and roll as we know it. Although Big Mama's recording was very good for a blues song, I gave people something they had never heard before and it caught on. It's not my fault that my song was more influential to music because I shook my hips and gyrated toward the audience. I did what I needed to do to get ahead and it worked. I'm a legend, where you would need to go to a African American nursing home to find someone who knew who "Big Mama" Thorton was.
Dolan's Verdict: Although Elvis' insults are extremely unnecessary and racist, I still rule in favor of his version. Both versions are good, but Elvis' song impacted music much more than Big Mama's did. Besides, Elvis died relatively young and was embarrassingly fat at the end of his life. Isn't that enough of a punishment, Big Mama? Wait...with that nickname, your probably pretty big too. Whatever, Elvis has it, get out of my courtroom.
5. Johnny Cash v. Nine Inch Nails
Dispute: Cash's remake of "Hurt" in 2002 against Trent Reznor's original version in 1994.
Plaintiff's Dispute (Reznor): Look, everybody knows Cash is a legend and I'm honored that he would even consider covering one of my songs. These lyrics were emotional for me to write and I poured my heart and soul into this song. This was a deeply personal song for me to write. I love Johnny Cash and realize he went through many hardship's in his life as well. But this song was about the real feeling. Cash might have the more critically acclaimed version but that's just because people know Johnny Cash, and don't bother to acknowledge my version of the song, which is the basis for his very performance.
Defendant's Argument (Cash): Just because he wrote the song doesn't mean that he put more feeling and emotion to this song. I listened to this song and felt like it was written about me. It's not my fault people liked my version more, they could just have easily have ripped it for being unoriginal and not good. But guess what? I'm Johnny fucking Cash and who's he? Nine Inch Nails? Whatever. Call me when they get an Oscar-nominated biopic based on their lives.
Dolan's Verdict: As much as I enjoy Cash's version of this song (which is quite good), I am going to have to side with Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor. I admit I'd never heard the NIN version before this, and it has much more emotion in it, at least to me. And guess what? My opinion is the only one that matters in this case. So bam.
4. Sinead O'Connor v. Prince
Dispute: O'Connor's 1990 cover of Prince's original that was performed by the funk band The Family in 1985.
Plaintiff's Argument (Prince): First of all, this song was written about a woman. So, unless Sinead likes to sweep under the rug, it loses the true meaning of the song. Also, it was written as a funky/blues song, not a ballad. Plus, I'm Prince. Look at me. Does anyone think a song written by me should be sung by a white Irish woman? I mean, I'm freaky as all hell. I wrote this song in a blouse for christsake.
Defendant's Argument (Sinead): Prince's version was never even released as a single. Has anyone ever even heard his version of the song? I gave this song meaning and popularity. I put my heart and soul in this song, and it was one of the best song's of the 90s. Prince is a great artist and wrote a beautiful song, but let's face it: when I sang this song, people got chills and cried. The only people that cried during a Prince song were men's fashion designers. Those tears I cried while singing the song? Those were real. This song has more meaning to me than it does to Prince.
Dolan's Verdict: Prince, you are a freaky cat. Sinead, you ripped a picture of the Pope up on SNL. You both got problems that need addressing. I'm going to rule in favor of Sinead here. Her song has so much more emotion and even makes me get emotional. Touche, Sinead. It's just one song, Prince. If you want to evaluate careers, then we have a different victor here. But "Nothing Compares 2 U" belongs to Sinead O'Connor. (Plus points for having a really Irish name)
3. Marc Cohn v. Cher
Dispute: Cohn's original song "Walking in Memphis" released in 1991, covered and released by Cher in 1995.
Plaintiff's Argument (Cohn): My version is a soul-ish country song, not some silly pop song. Is Cher's version more catchy? Perhaps. But my version has more feeling, its more real. Plus, my version is actually a song. Listen to my voice, I make girls wet just by opening up those vocal chords. Notice how she also changed the lyrics to make it sound like a girl singing? My version is so much more powerful, full of emotion. When I say "Boy, you got a prayer in Memphis" even guys get hot for me. "Are you a Christian child?" Do you really believe for a second that anything about Cher is holy? Look at her, she looks like the leader of satanic cult. Cher's a performer, I'm a singer. What the hell does Cher have to do with Memphis anyway?
Defendant's Argument (Cher): Cohn's just mad that my version is more catchy and that I'm more of a name than him. Marc's song is good, but I bring attention to this song. So what if I turned it into a pop song? It just makes you want to get up and dance and sing along, not cry like a pussy boy. Was Madonna a virgin or holy when she sang "Like a Prayer" or "Like a Virgin"? I don't think so, so what does it matter if I'm a Christian to the quality of a song. I'm not trying to feel the emotion, I'm trying to get my listeners to feel it. And they feel it alright.
Dolan's Verdict: First of all, shame on you Cher. Second of all, Marc Cohn wins. His song is a much better version, whereas if I want to dance, I'll listen to "One Night in Bangkok", not this. I want to feel what its like to be "walking in memphis" not "dancing in memphis". Cohn, "Walking in Memphis" is yours and its damn good.
2. Bob Dylan v. The Byrds
Dispute: Bob Dylan's original version released in 1965 after The Byrds released a cover of the song earlier in the year.
Plaintiff's Argument (Dylan): Listen here man, I'm more than a musician. I'm the greatest poet of the 20th century. My music is fucking poetry. I've written the best song of all time. It's ludicrous to think that my light-folk rock version of the song is inferior to the more upbeat, shorter version of the song. Some songs are just not meant to be touched and this is one of them. It's like remaking Hitchcock: you just don't do it (unless you're a tool). This song is poetry, not some god-damned pop song. Bastards even tried to release it before me to give themselves more attention. Guess what? I'm Bob F'n Dylan. My songs awaken the soul and open the mind.
Defendant's Argument (Byrds): Our version of this song essentially created folk rock. So you could say we were an influence for Bob Dylan's later work. We made this song over, electric-style, and made it more upbeat. Who doesn't like upbeat? Plus, if you look at Rolling Stone's Top 500 songs, our version is ranked higher than Bobby D's. We respect Bob's version and his music in general. Let's face it, remaking Bob Dylan is risky but we pulled it off. We basically created a new genre of music by remaking this song. How many people can say that?
Dolan's Verdict: Both versions are admittedly very good and very different. I'm still going to give this one to Bobby Dylan. As good as the Byrds version was, I still don't think it compares to the essence that Dylan has in every song. It's unbelievable to me. Plus, what the hell does Rolling Stone know? Are those songs really the top 500? Cause I've never heard of almost half of them. Get with the times. Dylan's version will be forever remembered, as well it should be. Bob Dylan, "Mr. Tambourine Man" belongs to you.
1. Bob Dylan v. Jimi Hendrix
Dispute: Bob Dylan's original 1967 version of "All Along the Watchtower" against Jimi Hendrix's cover version released in 1968.
Plaintiff's Argument (Dylan): Wasn't I just here? Listen, Hendrix brings a lot of intensity and fever to the song. That's not what the song was meant to sound like though. This is supposed to be a quiet acoustic ballad, not some loud rock song. Plus, why do people feel the need to remake my songs immediately after I release them? Give me a few years, Jesus Christ. Also, I've performed this song in concert more than any other: 1,748 times and counting. How many times has Jimi sang it live? Oh wait, he overdosed on drugs and has been dead for a long time.
Defendant's Argument (Hendrix): Dylan's version is great but I totally reworked this song and I did so obsessively. I reworked every aspect of this song and made it one of the best songs ever performed. Have you heard my guitar? It sounds like sex. Denying that my version is better is like saying a hand job is better than a blow job, only if it's done by an idiot is that true. Same with this song. I bring the vocals, I bring the power, I just bring it, period. No one is here to deny Bob Dylan's impact and talent as a musician. But you have to recognize mine too. When I yell "allllll along the watchtowaaa," girls get pregnant just from hearing it. Can you say that about any of Dylan's songs? Recognize.
Dolan's Verdict: Apparently Jimi has never heard "Like a Rolling Stone" or "Isis" before. Anyways, as much as I love you Bobby, there's just no way I could give this one to you. Jimi's version is the best cover version in the history of music, and one of music all-time great songs. Nothing really compares here. Dylan's version of the song isn't even great by any stretch of the imagination, Jimi's is outstanding. Jimi Hendrix, "All Along the Watchtower" belongs to you.
There you have it, the cover versions win 4-3. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try to attempt to cover Raffi's version of "Banana Phone" so I can perform it at my wedding, if I ever get married. My wife is going to love me. So I hope your enjoying the extreme amounts of blogging I've been doing lately. I have to go though, as I need to go see WALL-E. I'm pretty sure these last few sentences have effectively taken my manhood away. Oh well, at least I'm a damn good blogger guy. And I drink your fucking milkshake.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
It's Wedding Season!
It's summer and you know what that means....it's wedding season! If your my age, you probably have friends getting engaged and married while you sit back and mutter "Fuck me, really?" So while your name may not be on the invitations for a long time, you can still enjoy yourselves at these weddings. Cause look on the bright side: you can still sleep with anyone you want, while the guy up there everyone is making toasts to has his penis on lockdown. Some may call these tips ways to "ruin the weddings." Here are 6 Tips to Enjoying a Wedding.
6. Open Bar = Open Season
The Upside: People go crazy for free shit. Most people love alcohol. By natural logic, people go absolutely apeshit when they can get free alcohol for an entire night. But be sure to thank the bride's father, who's paying for all that liquor. Make sure, preferably when you've already had a modest 3 or 4 Grey Goose martini's, to go up to the man and yell (remember: he's old, so he probably can't hear that well) "FANKS FOR DA FREE BOOZE, I HALVENT HAD GLEY GLOOSE BLEEFOR!" Besides that, you'll get all the courage you need to finally tell your friend how he's making a huge mistake. Don't worry about his wife being right there, he needs to know it damnit. Just make sure you tell her that her dress makes her cleavage look spectacular, even moreso than on the sex tape your friend (now the groom) showed you last month.
The Downside: Besides the massive amount of respect your friends family will lose for you, alcohol makes people want to do things they never want to be seen doing. Especially dancing. If you dance while your extremely drunk: a)make sure the person dancing with is also inebriated, b) don't fall, and c)make sure you grind like your already inside each other. The kids table needs to learn the moves sometime.
Side Note: Your friends mother-in-law, who you will probably never see again, is hot and (about to be, because of you) single. Make sure you let her know your feelings on her looks and brag about your sexual prowess.
5. +1
The Upside: That invitation presumably says (Insert Your Name) Plus One. Please, please, please don't bring a date. If you do, make sure it's someone you can ditch later or someone that has the same intentions of "socializing" with other people throughout the wedding. Bring a same sex friend so that, in case you get stuck at a bad table, you can make embarrassing comments without getting stared at by the 68-year old Uncle Ted. Bring that friend that you suspect might be an alcoholic, but aren't sure. Or bring the groom's ex-girlfriend. They will deflect negative attention away from you when you start screaming at a 5-year old for spilling your drink or smoke pot in the back with the bride's brother who just got out of rehab. These are all normal parts of the wedding anyway.
The Downside: People might associate you with your disturbingly drunk friend. This isn't as bad as you think. The "He just broke up with a girl he was dating for 3 years" works absolutely every time when people get terribly drunk and need an excuse.
Side Note: If you are going to take advantage of the shortcomings of others, be sure to go all out. Bumming a 15-year old a cigarette or getting a double vodka cranberry for the ex-alcoholic Grandpa are encouraged and not ever looked down upon. Just plead ignorance.
4. Jokester
The Upside: There is no better place to show off your comedic skills than at a wedding. So slip the bride some ex-lax in her drink. Pay the minister $50 to say "You may now feel up the bride." Bring a hobo as your date. Trip the bride's dad as she's walking down the aisle. People love that shit. Just make sure you have a few drinks beforehand so you loosen up. Joke around with the groom "Whew--your wife's a virgin? That's ALOT of pressure! Am I right?" or "Good thing I loosened her up for ya buddy!" People love hearing these kind of jokes, especially on one of the most important days of their lives. You'll be known as "that asshole over there," but those people are just trying to be as funny as you. You know what? It's not working.
The Downside: For some reason, people that don't drink also don't laugh. These people are hard sells, but don't give up, they can be had. If a girl scoffs at a joke and starts talking to her friend, that just means "C'mon, that's the best you got?" Why no, actually, I can do much better. You also may have to explain some of the X-rated jokes to the youngsters who may not understand. Shaping the young minds at the wedding can be an added bonus and can give you a great feeling. Also, if attractive girls see you talking to kids they'll either think your a pedophile or a super-sensitive sexual entity.
Side Note: "If you weren't as stiff as my drink, I'd give you a stiff one back in the coat room." This is free material, ladies and gentlemen, use it to your advantage.
3. Iron Chef
The Upside: Free food is one of the cornerstones of any wedding. If you think the steak is a little undercooked, make sure you let the chef know about it by personally returning it with a note that says "This tastes like shit." The food industry is a harsh business, they better get used to it. If you don't like an appatizer, spit it out and put it back on the plate. Tell the bride's dad that he shouldn't have hired the McDonald's staff to cook for the wedding. Complain that there's no lobster or about the lobster. But, of course, enjoy it. Free food is a luxury that we rarely get to enjoy. So eat, but not too much to absorb the alcohol. That would just be stupid.
The Downside: Good food absorbs alcohol. Fuck that. Just drink more, you pussy. What, are you on a diet or something? Suck it up and eat your $40 steak with the champagne and side beer. Your at a wedding, not a church function.
Side Note: Bring a few doggy bags and take handfuls of appitizers home. You'll be eating pretty for at least a few days afterwards.
2. Super Duper Sex Romp
The Upside: Whether you believe "Wedding Crashers" or not, believe this: girls at a wedding are drunk and jealous. They won't admit it, but this leads them to being a little "easier" than in normal situations. You'd have to be asexual not to take advantage of this. Say stuff like "God, I'm so jealous of (Insert Groom's Name)!" or "You look prettier as a bridesmaid than she did as a bride." Try and lead the conversation to the bar whenever possible. Although this probably is coming off as bordering between "Extremely shallow" and "An Offense Punishable by Law," girls do that same thing, so don't feel bad. Women take advantage of men more than the Cubs take advantage of playing at Wrigley this year. So, take the opportunity at a wedding to get a few numbers, a hummer in the bathroom, and some sloppy, drunken sex. (Preferably all with different people)
The Downside: Um...your penis might get tired? Unless you have a girlfriend, wife, or life partner, there is no downside to this except for the obvious sexual risks such as STD's, pregnancy, and the dreaded calls that come the days later. No worries, that's why the "Ignore" button is on your cell phone. Also, why the hell are you giving her a real number? Moron. It doesn't matter, she wanted the same thing as you anyway. She's probably just calling because she forgot her earrings at your place. Still, don't answer. You don't want to take any risks.
Side Note: Vodka + Sweet Talk + Wedding + Looking Decent = Sex. It's a tried and true formula, folks. Works better than the Pythagorean Theorem. (Props to me for inserting a obscure math formula reference)
1. Speak Up
The Speech. Your biggest shot to leave your mark on the wedding. This will shape the entire wedding party's opinion of you, so make it good. Here's a "Good Speech" and a "Bad Speech." Trust me, I'm taking Public Speaking this summer.
Bad Speech: "I just can't believe how beautiful those two look together. When I first met Jane and Cody, they looked into each others like they were the only ones in the room. It was at that point, I knew they'd be together forever. If you asked me what love was, I would tell you to look at those two up there. They truly define the word. You found a great one pal and today, you're the luckiest guy in the room. Cheers." (Crickets...Yawning...Random guy screaming "You Suck!")
Good Speech: "I'm truly jealous of those two up there. You know what I mean people? God, I remember those nights in college where these two would keep the whole house up. Those two just couldn't keep their hands off each other. I mean...they were the last ones that showed up to the reception, what the hell do you think they were doing? You know? Ahh, anyways, I'm happy for this guy up there. I've known this guy for a long time, from the time freshmen year to the time we did ecstacy two weeks ago and he jerked off to a WNBA game for the entire second half! (At this point, people may try and get the mic from you. Ignore them, they are jealous of your speaking ability) But, I mean, c'mon, this guy's in love. I mean, he won't even drink and drive anymore because of that girl. And look at her. She's a knockout. Am I right? Huh? (Give the "You know what I'm saying elbow" to the person next to you. Body gestures are important.) If he wasn't marryin' her, I'd definitely try and get some of that fine action. (Point to random male relative) THAT MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT HERE!!! Anyways, good luck you guys, you're gonna make (Insert name of a slut present) look like a prude in Hawaii this weekend. Enjoy marriage, guys. (Look for your drink) Damn, I need another drink." (Set mic down on table and walk towards bar as the reception hall erupts in applause)
Side Note: Don't be afraid to use profanity. Normal people wouldn't use it in a wedding speech, but who the fuck wants their wedding speech to be normal? People may not like my "good speech" but they'll sure as hell remember it. The "bad speech"? Yeah, people will "ooo" and "ahhh" but they won't remember a word. Fuck that.
So take my advice and you should have a pretty good wedding season. Remember kiddies, never conform to social rules that you don't agree with. So be an asshole, chances are most people will be too drunk to remember you were even there. Keep enjoying summer and I will be back soon enough to spread my vast array of knowledge throughout the internet. Until then, try and take some advice from this speech, in which the best man tries to prove the groom is gay for the entire speech. Comic genius, at its best.
6. Open Bar = Open Season
The Upside: People go crazy for free shit. Most people love alcohol. By natural logic, people go absolutely apeshit when they can get free alcohol for an entire night. But be sure to thank the bride's father, who's paying for all that liquor. Make sure, preferably when you've already had a modest 3 or 4 Grey Goose martini's, to go up to the man and yell (remember: he's old, so he probably can't hear that well) "FANKS FOR DA FREE BOOZE, I HALVENT HAD GLEY GLOOSE BLEEFOR!" Besides that, you'll get all the courage you need to finally tell your friend how he's making a huge mistake. Don't worry about his wife being right there, he needs to know it damnit. Just make sure you tell her that her dress makes her cleavage look spectacular, even moreso than on the sex tape your friend (now the groom) showed you last month.
The Downside: Besides the massive amount of respect your friends family will lose for you, alcohol makes people want to do things they never want to be seen doing. Especially dancing. If you dance while your extremely drunk: a)make sure the person dancing with is also inebriated, b) don't fall, and c)make sure you grind like your already inside each other. The kids table needs to learn the moves sometime.
Side Note: Your friends mother-in-law, who you will probably never see again, is hot and (about to be, because of you) single. Make sure you let her know your feelings on her looks and brag about your sexual prowess.
5. +1
The Upside: That invitation presumably says (Insert Your Name) Plus One. Please, please, please don't bring a date. If you do, make sure it's someone you can ditch later or someone that has the same intentions of "socializing" with other people throughout the wedding. Bring a same sex friend so that, in case you get stuck at a bad table, you can make embarrassing comments without getting stared at by the 68-year old Uncle Ted. Bring that friend that you suspect might be an alcoholic, but aren't sure. Or bring the groom's ex-girlfriend. They will deflect negative attention away from you when you start screaming at a 5-year old for spilling your drink or smoke pot in the back with the bride's brother who just got out of rehab. These are all normal parts of the wedding anyway.
The Downside: People might associate you with your disturbingly drunk friend. This isn't as bad as you think. The "He just broke up with a girl he was dating for 3 years" works absolutely every time when people get terribly drunk and need an excuse.
Side Note: If you are going to take advantage of the shortcomings of others, be sure to go all out. Bumming a 15-year old a cigarette or getting a double vodka cranberry for the ex-alcoholic Grandpa are encouraged and not ever looked down upon. Just plead ignorance.
4. Jokester
The Upside: There is no better place to show off your comedic skills than at a wedding. So slip the bride some ex-lax in her drink. Pay the minister $50 to say "You may now feel up the bride." Bring a hobo as your date. Trip the bride's dad as she's walking down the aisle. People love that shit. Just make sure you have a few drinks beforehand so you loosen up. Joke around with the groom "Whew--your wife's a virgin? That's ALOT of pressure! Am I right?" or "Good thing I loosened her up for ya buddy!" People love hearing these kind of jokes, especially on one of the most important days of their lives. You'll be known as "that asshole over there," but those people are just trying to be as funny as you. You know what? It's not working.
The Downside: For some reason, people that don't drink also don't laugh. These people are hard sells, but don't give up, they can be had. If a girl scoffs at a joke and starts talking to her friend, that just means "C'mon, that's the best you got?" Why no, actually, I can do much better. You also may have to explain some of the X-rated jokes to the youngsters who may not understand. Shaping the young minds at the wedding can be an added bonus and can give you a great feeling. Also, if attractive girls see you talking to kids they'll either think your a pedophile or a super-sensitive sexual entity.
Side Note: "If you weren't as stiff as my drink, I'd give you a stiff one back in the coat room." This is free material, ladies and gentlemen, use it to your advantage.
3. Iron Chef
The Upside: Free food is one of the cornerstones of any wedding. If you think the steak is a little undercooked, make sure you let the chef know about it by personally returning it with a note that says "This tastes like shit." The food industry is a harsh business, they better get used to it. If you don't like an appatizer, spit it out and put it back on the plate. Tell the bride's dad that he shouldn't have hired the McDonald's staff to cook for the wedding. Complain that there's no lobster or about the lobster. But, of course, enjoy it. Free food is a luxury that we rarely get to enjoy. So eat, but not too much to absorb the alcohol. That would just be stupid.
The Downside: Good food absorbs alcohol. Fuck that. Just drink more, you pussy. What, are you on a diet or something? Suck it up and eat your $40 steak with the champagne and side beer. Your at a wedding, not a church function.
Side Note: Bring a few doggy bags and take handfuls of appitizers home. You'll be eating pretty for at least a few days afterwards.
2. Super Duper Sex Romp
The Upside: Whether you believe "Wedding Crashers" or not, believe this: girls at a wedding are drunk and jealous. They won't admit it, but this leads them to being a little "easier" than in normal situations. You'd have to be asexual not to take advantage of this. Say stuff like "God, I'm so jealous of (Insert Groom's Name)!" or "You look prettier as a bridesmaid than she did as a bride." Try and lead the conversation to the bar whenever possible. Although this probably is coming off as bordering between "Extremely shallow" and "An Offense Punishable by Law," girls do that same thing, so don't feel bad. Women take advantage of men more than the Cubs take advantage of playing at Wrigley this year. So, take the opportunity at a wedding to get a few numbers, a hummer in the bathroom, and some sloppy, drunken sex. (Preferably all with different people)
The Downside: Um...your penis might get tired? Unless you have a girlfriend, wife, or life partner, there is no downside to this except for the obvious sexual risks such as STD's, pregnancy, and the dreaded calls that come the days later. No worries, that's why the "Ignore" button is on your cell phone. Also, why the hell are you giving her a real number? Moron. It doesn't matter, she wanted the same thing as you anyway. She's probably just calling because she forgot her earrings at your place. Still, don't answer. You don't want to take any risks.
Side Note: Vodka + Sweet Talk + Wedding + Looking Decent = Sex. It's a tried and true formula, folks. Works better than the Pythagorean Theorem. (Props to me for inserting a obscure math formula reference)
1. Speak Up
The Speech. Your biggest shot to leave your mark on the wedding. This will shape the entire wedding party's opinion of you, so make it good. Here's a "Good Speech" and a "Bad Speech." Trust me, I'm taking Public Speaking this summer.
Bad Speech: "I just can't believe how beautiful those two look together. When I first met Jane and Cody, they looked into each others like they were the only ones in the room. It was at that point, I knew they'd be together forever. If you asked me what love was, I would tell you to look at those two up there. They truly define the word. You found a great one pal and today, you're the luckiest guy in the room. Cheers." (Crickets...Yawning...Random guy screaming "You Suck!")
Good Speech: "I'm truly jealous of those two up there. You know what I mean people? God, I remember those nights in college where these two would keep the whole house up. Those two just couldn't keep their hands off each other. I mean...they were the last ones that showed up to the reception, what the hell do you think they were doing? You know? Ahh, anyways, I'm happy for this guy up there. I've known this guy for a long time, from the time freshmen year to the time we did ecstacy two weeks ago and he jerked off to a WNBA game for the entire second half! (At this point, people may try and get the mic from you. Ignore them, they are jealous of your speaking ability) But, I mean, c'mon, this guy's in love. I mean, he won't even drink and drive anymore because of that girl. And look at her. She's a knockout. Am I right? Huh? (Give the "You know what I'm saying elbow" to the person next to you. Body gestures are important.) If he wasn't marryin' her, I'd definitely try and get some of that fine action. (Point to random male relative) THAT MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT HERE!!! Anyways, good luck you guys, you're gonna make (Insert name of a slut present) look like a prude in Hawaii this weekend. Enjoy marriage, guys. (Look for your drink) Damn, I need another drink." (Set mic down on table and walk towards bar as the reception hall erupts in applause)
Side Note: Don't be afraid to use profanity. Normal people wouldn't use it in a wedding speech, but who the fuck wants their wedding speech to be normal? People may not like my "good speech" but they'll sure as hell remember it. The "bad speech"? Yeah, people will "ooo" and "ahhh" but they won't remember a word. Fuck that.
So take my advice and you should have a pretty good wedding season. Remember kiddies, never conform to social rules that you don't agree with. So be an asshole, chances are most people will be too drunk to remember you were even there. Keep enjoying summer and I will be back soon enough to spread my vast array of knowledge throughout the internet. Until then, try and take some advice from this speech, in which the best man tries to prove the groom is gay for the entire speech. Comic genius, at its best.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Summer Movie Preview
Since it's already June 17, I decided I might as well through in my usual movie column to help you out this summer on what you should be seeing. So take a break from laying by the pool and loitering around the fair, or whatever you kids do nowadays, and get to the theater. Here are 6 Must-See Summer Movies. WARNING: Missing any of these movies will result in loss of your manhood. Or, if your a woman, your sex drive. Also, those found with ticket stubs for "The Love Guru" will be sentenced to death by drawn and quartering. That is all.
6. Step Brothers
Release Date: July 25th, 2008
Why You Should See It: After branching out from the disastrous sports movies, we'll give Farrell one last chance. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the trailer but I have to think that John C Reilly and Farrell will work together better in this than in Talladega Nights. With Anchorman 2 confirmed to be in the works, Farrell needs a hit before it that could help not only the revenue for upcoming movies, but his career, which is dire need of a hit. He does have a few comedies to contend with though, so we'll see.
Trailer:
5. Tropic Thunder
Release Date: August 15, 2008
Why You Should See It? Because you have Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., and a few other stars with smaller roles, all paired together. The premise is basically all these guys are actors and doing a terrible job with their current war movie project, so the director puts them in a real war zone which the actors are completely unaware of. Plus, Downey Jr. plays a black man and, with the R rating this film has received, is bound to strike comedic gold. From the trailer, I'm not sure how they could screw this one up. But Stiller and Black need it, bad.
Trailer:
4. WALL-E
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Why You Should See It? I know what your thinking: "Mike, this is an animated kids movie." Well, fuck you. The buzz around this one is that its the best Pixar offering yet, even better than the gems Finding Nemo and Ratatoille. From the looks of the trailer, it looks pretty damn good. The new age of animated movies are for everyone, not just kids anymore. Pixar has set the bar and its time for you to get in the game and reserve your seat. Besides, are you going to go see that new Will Smith garbage Hancock instead? Because if you do, your a communist.
Trailer:
3. Burn After Reading
Release Date: September 12th, 2008
Why You Should See It? Have you seen No Country for Old Men? If you answered no, please report to the lethal injection line. After the epic thriller that won Best Picture, the Coen's next movie (which stars Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and John Malkovich) is a dark spy comedy. If you liked other Coen comedies such as The Big Lebowski or Fargo, then this is pretty much a guaranteed must-see. With Pitt and Clooney, along with the buzz from "No Country", this will be a pretty big moneymaker. And a pretty damn good one, at that.
Trailer:
2. Pineapple Express
Release Date: August 8th, 2008
Why You Should See It? At this point, pretty much anything Seth Rogen touches turn to gold. Just from the trailer, it already looks like his best. Along with James Franco, Rogen is a stoner on the run after witnessing a murder. Pretty much everything from the trailer screams "If this movie were a person, I'd fuck it really hard. Even if it was a guy." Franco looks like a comedic star in the making, playing an uber-stoned drug dealer. I really don't know how they could screw this one up, and I'm pretty sure they didn't. The trailer is so good, my friend wrote his senior thesis paper on it. This just might be the best comedy Rogen & Co. have released yet.
Trailer:
1. The Dark Knight
Release Date: July 18th, 2008
Why You Should See It? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe because it looks more badass than any other movie ever made. I'm ready to give Heath Ledger an Oscar just from the trailer, which will shed his image as the "gay cowboy." After ridding the franchise of its only flaw (Katie Holmes) and adding what looks to be the best Joker character yet, along with an appearance of Two-Face, who looks extremely fucked up, the movie is shaping up to be one the biggest summer movies of all time, and one of the best. I mean, you have Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, and a shitload more names and faces going at in this one. This. Looks. Epic.
Trailer:
So get out to the theaters to see all these movies and you will be guaranteed entertainment. Sorry for the shorter post this time, but I'd thought I'd give you a little extra blogging here. I'll be back with a real blog post before you know it. Until then, keep enjoying the summer, the blog, and the vast amounts of sexual energy. Adios, yo.
6. Step Brothers
Release Date: July 25th, 2008
Why You Should See It: After branching out from the disastrous sports movies, we'll give Farrell one last chance. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the trailer but I have to think that John C Reilly and Farrell will work together better in this than in Talladega Nights. With Anchorman 2 confirmed to be in the works, Farrell needs a hit before it that could help not only the revenue for upcoming movies, but his career, which is dire need of a hit. He does have a few comedies to contend with though, so we'll see.
Trailer:
5. Tropic Thunder
Release Date: August 15, 2008
Why You Should See It? Because you have Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., and a few other stars with smaller roles, all paired together. The premise is basically all these guys are actors and doing a terrible job with their current war movie project, so the director puts them in a real war zone which the actors are completely unaware of. Plus, Downey Jr. plays a black man and, with the R rating this film has received, is bound to strike comedic gold. From the trailer, I'm not sure how they could screw this one up. But Stiller and Black need it, bad.
Trailer:
4. WALL-E
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Why You Should See It? I know what your thinking: "Mike, this is an animated kids movie." Well, fuck you. The buzz around this one is that its the best Pixar offering yet, even better than the gems Finding Nemo and Ratatoille. From the looks of the trailer, it looks pretty damn good. The new age of animated movies are for everyone, not just kids anymore. Pixar has set the bar and its time for you to get in the game and reserve your seat. Besides, are you going to go see that new Will Smith garbage Hancock instead? Because if you do, your a communist.
Trailer:
3. Burn After Reading
Release Date: September 12th, 2008
Why You Should See It? Have you seen No Country for Old Men? If you answered no, please report to the lethal injection line. After the epic thriller that won Best Picture, the Coen's next movie (which stars Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and John Malkovich) is a dark spy comedy. If you liked other Coen comedies such as The Big Lebowski or Fargo, then this is pretty much a guaranteed must-see. With Pitt and Clooney, along with the buzz from "No Country", this will be a pretty big moneymaker. And a pretty damn good one, at that.
Trailer:
2. Pineapple Express
Release Date: August 8th, 2008
Why You Should See It? At this point, pretty much anything Seth Rogen touches turn to gold. Just from the trailer, it already looks like his best. Along with James Franco, Rogen is a stoner on the run after witnessing a murder. Pretty much everything from the trailer screams "If this movie were a person, I'd fuck it really hard. Even if it was a guy." Franco looks like a comedic star in the making, playing an uber-stoned drug dealer. I really don't know how they could screw this one up, and I'm pretty sure they didn't. The trailer is so good, my friend wrote his senior thesis paper on it. This just might be the best comedy Rogen & Co. have released yet.
Trailer:
1. The Dark Knight
Release Date: July 18th, 2008
Why You Should See It? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe because it looks more badass than any other movie ever made. I'm ready to give Heath Ledger an Oscar just from the trailer, which will shed his image as the "gay cowboy." After ridding the franchise of its only flaw (Katie Holmes) and adding what looks to be the best Joker character yet, along with an appearance of Two-Face, who looks extremely fucked up, the movie is shaping up to be one the biggest summer movies of all time, and one of the best. I mean, you have Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, and a shitload more names and faces going at in this one. This. Looks. Epic.
Trailer:
So get out to the theaters to see all these movies and you will be guaranteed entertainment. Sorry for the shorter post this time, but I'd thought I'd give you a little extra blogging here. I'll be back with a real blog post before you know it. Until then, keep enjoying the summer, the blog, and the vast amounts of sexual energy. Adios, yo.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Misery Loves Harmony
In today's music genre most pop songs are really upbeat and sing-alongish. Gone are the real good days of music when talent was actually a factor in the popularity of songs. These aren't the songs that make you dance and sing. On the contrary. These are the songs that you listen to after a break up or when you feel a loss of meaning. Life ain't all peaches and cream. These songs are real. These are the 7 Saddest Rock Songs.
By the way, as you readers know by now, these aren't my saddest songs, these ARE the saddest songs. Ever. My opinion is truth around here. Anyways.....
7. Pale Blue Eyes
Performed/Written By: Performed by The Velvet Underground and penned by front-man Lou Reed
My Mountaintop, My Peak. Off one of the better (and most underrated) albums of the 1960s, Lou Reed absolutely brings it. "Pale Blue Eyes," although I'm not sure what it is about, makes you want to look into someone eyes and see the sadness and pain that is riding them everyday. They endure only because they have no other option. Thus, they linger on. Reed brings his amazing vocals and absolutely melts the listener with his low-key emotion. That same low-key emotion is exactly what makes the song work so well to bring it all out.
Tear-Jerking Moment: When Reed brings out near the end "Skip a life, completely, stuff it in a cup." Mesmerizing stuff.
6. Konstantine
Performed/Written By: Something Corporate performed and front-man Andrew McMahon wrote it.
Damnit, Your So Young. This 9-minute piano accompanied tear-jerker gets me every time. Whether or not you enjoy the pop punk music performed by Something Corporate, this song is just more beautiful than Miley Cyrus on the cover of Vanity Fair. (Oops...that's about 3 years too soon to be legal for me to say) Written about his ex-girlfriend, the song is just so full of emotion. Every new verse and every line reveals the hurt in his voice. McMahon, now of Jack's Mannequin, refuses to play this song anymore because he's married to someone else but wow....let the hurt just sing in while delving into the tortured heart of Sir McMahon.
Tear-Jerking Moment: When McMahon goes into a constant (ahh the pun, the lowest and best for of humor) "Did you know I missed you?" and sound like he could be crying while singing.
5. Most of the Time
Performed/Written By: Performed and Written by Bob Dylan
I Can Endure. Bobby D's composition of lost love always tugs at my heartstrings. One of the greatest poets in all of music history, Dylan really shows what he's feeling in this song. Most know the feeling of losing someone they care about and how hard it is to get over them. Most of the time, you're over them, but there's always something there that lingers. For a long time, its only "most of time" and not "all of the time." Anyone who says differently is lying or a virgin. Dylan may not have had the best voice of all time, but he certainly has written some of the best lyrics to some of the best songs recorded. And this is among them.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "I can smile in the face of mankind, I don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine....most of the time." 'Nuff said.
4. And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda
Performed/Written By: Covered/Performed by Irish band The Pogues. Originally written by Australian singer Eric Bogle.
Oh, Waltzing Matilda. This 8 minutes epic was written about the Battle of Gallipoli that saw a major loss of Australian soldiers in World War I. The lyrics are very vivid and have no reservations about sharing its feelings on war. Australia has never been known for its military and the Battle was marked by incompetence and heavy casualities for the Allied side. What's so emotional about this song is that the imagery hits the listener so hard, almost as if you're imagining the story along with the singer. War is a brutal, ugly thing, and the worst military battle (casualty wise) for the Australians is depicted in this loudly resonating song.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "And in five minutes flat he'd blown us all to hell, Nearly blew us right back to Australia. But the band played Waltzing Matilda, As we stopped to bury our slain." War is always a touchy subject and you can hear it in the lyrics.
3. Tears in Heaven
Performed/Written By: Written and Performed by Eric Clapton.
Would You Know My Name? After his 4-year old son fell 52 stories from Clapton's condo and died, Mr. Clapton was understandably distraught. This song is a great example of how music can help sooth tragedy in our life. While writing a song for the film Rush, Clapton saw an opportunity to fit in a song he had written about his song's death. So many of the lyrics, if you know what the song means, resonate with anyone who's ever lost a loved one too early. There is nothing at all comforting about the death of a 4-year old and you can hear it in Clapton's voice as he pours his heart out.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "Time can bring you down, Time can bend your knee, Time can break your heart. Have you begging please, Begging please" Why yes, it certainly can.
2. Hallelujah
Performed/Written By: Covered and performed by the late Jeff Buckley and written by Canadian singer Leonard Cohen.
It's a Cold and It's a Broken. In one of the most underrated albums of all-time, Buckley's cover of Cohen's "Hallelujah" is one of the most vocally inspiring songs ever song. Buckley's voice goes above and beyond transcendent as he sings this song. After the unfortunate cover by American Idol's Jason "I Only Get Votes because I'm Cute and Emotional" Castro, it can make you appreciate Buckley's version even more. This song covers the tragedy that life is a cold and dark thing and there's often little pretty. It is love, that the song subtly conveys, that is what gives life meaning, hope, and the happiest moments in our life. Unless, of course, the Cubs ever win the World Series.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "i've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." Buckley accidently drowned at 30 years old, depriving the world of his musical talents. But thankfully, not before this. (Note to self: Do not go swimming at night in Mississippi River tributaries when you're bipolar)
1. High and Dry
Performed/Written By: Performed by Radiohead and written by front-man Thom Yorke
Don't Leave Me Dry. I'm sure many will disagree with my selection and I'm probably a little biased. I listened to this song alot after getting rejected by a girl I really liked. It's a song about isolation and being totally, completely alone. Where some would argue that Radiohead's "How to Disappear Completely" is much sadder, I would argue that this cuts to the core of the raw emotion of Yorke's falsetto followed by the insanely amazing guitar bit. Maybe it's because I was drinking alone to this song every night for a week that its number 1 or maybe because it just brings up memories that still haunt me. One cannot deny that listening to "High and Dry" really makes you fear rejections and being alone. For me, more so than any song I've heard.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "Drying up in conversation, You will be the one who cannot talk. All your insides fall to pieces, You just sit there wishing you could still make love" Although the falsetto is not for everyone, Yorke and Radiohead have certainly been some of the most influential musicians of the past 15 years.
That's enough of the tearjerkers for now. I will try not to depress my blogging audience next time. I hope you at least agreed with some of my choices. Stayed tuned for next time when I tell you the secret to the best sex you'll ever have! Ok, that's not true. But I will back soon enough to give you some more of the good ole fanshioned blogging that has entertained you for the past year or so. Now go outside and cheer up after you're done reading this!
Get Upbeat!
By the way, as you readers know by now, these aren't my saddest songs, these ARE the saddest songs. Ever. My opinion is truth around here. Anyways.....
7. Pale Blue Eyes
Performed/Written By: Performed by The Velvet Underground and penned by front-man Lou Reed
My Mountaintop, My Peak. Off one of the better (and most underrated) albums of the 1960s, Lou Reed absolutely brings it. "Pale Blue Eyes," although I'm not sure what it is about, makes you want to look into someone eyes and see the sadness and pain that is riding them everyday. They endure only because they have no other option. Thus, they linger on. Reed brings his amazing vocals and absolutely melts the listener with his low-key emotion. That same low-key emotion is exactly what makes the song work so well to bring it all out.
Tear-Jerking Moment: When Reed brings out near the end "Skip a life, completely, stuff it in a cup." Mesmerizing stuff.
6. Konstantine
Performed/Written By: Something Corporate performed and front-man Andrew McMahon wrote it.
Damnit, Your So Young. This 9-minute piano accompanied tear-jerker gets me every time. Whether or not you enjoy the pop punk music performed by Something Corporate, this song is just more beautiful than Miley Cyrus on the cover of Vanity Fair. (Oops...that's about 3 years too soon to be legal for me to say) Written about his ex-girlfriend, the song is just so full of emotion. Every new verse and every line reveals the hurt in his voice. McMahon, now of Jack's Mannequin, refuses to play this song anymore because he's married to someone else but wow....let the hurt just sing in while delving into the tortured heart of Sir McMahon.
Tear-Jerking Moment: When McMahon goes into a constant (ahh the pun, the lowest and best for of humor) "Did you know I missed you?" and sound like he could be crying while singing.
5. Most of the Time
Performed/Written By: Performed and Written by Bob Dylan
I Can Endure. Bobby D's composition of lost love always tugs at my heartstrings. One of the greatest poets in all of music history, Dylan really shows what he's feeling in this song. Most know the feeling of losing someone they care about and how hard it is to get over them. Most of the time, you're over them, but there's always something there that lingers. For a long time, its only "most of time" and not "all of the time." Anyone who says differently is lying or a virgin. Dylan may not have had the best voice of all time, but he certainly has written some of the best lyrics to some of the best songs recorded. And this is among them.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "I can smile in the face of mankind, I don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine....most of the time." 'Nuff said.
4. And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda
Performed/Written By: Covered/Performed by Irish band The Pogues. Originally written by Australian singer Eric Bogle.
Oh, Waltzing Matilda. This 8 minutes epic was written about the Battle of Gallipoli that saw a major loss of Australian soldiers in World War I. The lyrics are very vivid and have no reservations about sharing its feelings on war. Australia has never been known for its military and the Battle was marked by incompetence and heavy casualities for the Allied side. What's so emotional about this song is that the imagery hits the listener so hard, almost as if you're imagining the story along with the singer. War is a brutal, ugly thing, and the worst military battle (casualty wise) for the Australians is depicted in this loudly resonating song.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "And in five minutes flat he'd blown us all to hell, Nearly blew us right back to Australia. But the band played Waltzing Matilda, As we stopped to bury our slain." War is always a touchy subject and you can hear it in the lyrics.
3. Tears in Heaven
Performed/Written By: Written and Performed by Eric Clapton.
Would You Know My Name? After his 4-year old son fell 52 stories from Clapton's condo and died, Mr. Clapton was understandably distraught. This song is a great example of how music can help sooth tragedy in our life. While writing a song for the film Rush, Clapton saw an opportunity to fit in a song he had written about his song's death. So many of the lyrics, if you know what the song means, resonate with anyone who's ever lost a loved one too early. There is nothing at all comforting about the death of a 4-year old and you can hear it in Clapton's voice as he pours his heart out.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "Time can bring you down, Time can bend your knee, Time can break your heart. Have you begging please, Begging please" Why yes, it certainly can.
2. Hallelujah
Performed/Written By: Covered and performed by the late Jeff Buckley and written by Canadian singer Leonard Cohen.
It's a Cold and It's a Broken. In one of the most underrated albums of all-time, Buckley's cover of Cohen's "Hallelujah" is one of the most vocally inspiring songs ever song. Buckley's voice goes above and beyond transcendent as he sings this song. After the unfortunate cover by American Idol's Jason "I Only Get Votes because I'm Cute and Emotional" Castro, it can make you appreciate Buckley's version even more. This song covers the tragedy that life is a cold and dark thing and there's often little pretty. It is love, that the song subtly conveys, that is what gives life meaning, hope, and the happiest moments in our life. Unless, of course, the Cubs ever win the World Series.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "i've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." Buckley accidently drowned at 30 years old, depriving the world of his musical talents. But thankfully, not before this. (Note to self: Do not go swimming at night in Mississippi River tributaries when you're bipolar)
1. High and Dry
Performed/Written By: Performed by Radiohead and written by front-man Thom Yorke
Don't Leave Me Dry. I'm sure many will disagree with my selection and I'm probably a little biased. I listened to this song alot after getting rejected by a girl I really liked. It's a song about isolation and being totally, completely alone. Where some would argue that Radiohead's "How to Disappear Completely" is much sadder, I would argue that this cuts to the core of the raw emotion of Yorke's falsetto followed by the insanely amazing guitar bit. Maybe it's because I was drinking alone to this song every night for a week that its number 1 or maybe because it just brings up memories that still haunt me. One cannot deny that listening to "High and Dry" really makes you fear rejections and being alone. For me, more so than any song I've heard.
Tear-Jerking Moment: "Drying up in conversation, You will be the one who cannot talk. All your insides fall to pieces, You just sit there wishing you could still make love" Although the falsetto is not for everyone, Yorke and Radiohead have certainly been some of the most influential musicians of the past 15 years.
That's enough of the tearjerkers for now. I will try not to depress my blogging audience next time. I hope you at least agreed with some of my choices. Stayed tuned for next time when I tell you the secret to the best sex you'll ever have! Ok, that's not true. But I will back soon enough to give you some more of the good ole fanshioned blogging that has entertained you for the past year or so. Now go outside and cheer up after you're done reading this!
Get Upbeat!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Laughing to Fill the Gaps
Commercials infiltrate your television sets everyday, unless you don't watch TV, which is ludicrous. Hopefully by the time you read that sentence you glanced over at the TV to make sure sportscenter isn't back on yet. Some of those commercials just make you want to gouge your eyes out and reach for the mute button so you don't have to rip your ears off too. These are not those commercials. These are the 6 Funniest Ad Campaigns.
6. Limp at the Plate
Product Endorsed: Viagra
What's UP with that? Once in a while, Viagra will score a sports star sponsor to star in their commercials. "But, Mike, why is THAT funny?" Are you kidding? Erectile dysfunction is funny, especially if you see Rafael Palmeiro walking down the streets. (Insult Example: Hey there buddy, did your dealer tell you those steroids were Viagra?) We idolize sports stars to a point where they are almost above human. So to think that they couldn't get it up in the heat of the moment has to make you smile to yourself and think "Me 1, Famous Sports Viagra Endorser 999." It's a lopsided score, but at least you didn't get shutout. Also funny: the thought of Bob Dole on Viagra, not knowing what to do with his bones since he's basically senile. Now that's a commercial.
Not Hard to Find a Clip: Actually, it was, that was just a pun. I actually couldn't find this commercial. But you remember it. So let's move on.
5. Super Trading
Product Endorsed: E-Trade Financial
Bang for your Buck? Perhaps you remember a string of E-trade commercials during the Super Bowl that were as wasteful as a Russian nuclear power plant. They literally had the stupidest and most ridiculous things happening while spending an enormous amount of dough on it. Verdict: Success achieved. The commercials just make you shake your head and wish you had enough cash to have an old man sitting rocking his head to a tune being drummed by another. Props, e-trade, mad props indeed.
Perhaps Some Stock in Bananas? A monkey with an e-trade shirt on = more customers.
4. Different Colored Roofs
Product Endorsed: Red Roof Inn
Inn the Money: Perhaps you've seen these, perhaps not. What makes these gold are the purposely over-the-top performance by the guest who just cannot get enough of the Roof. With a fast paced humor and ridiculousness, Red Roof Inn succeeds in making sure you at least remember their name. If you saw one of these commercials, then had a choice between a Red Roof Inn and a Motel 6, you would most certainly stay at Red Roof Inn. Leave the light on for you? Psh! Red Roof Inn has the clapper lights so you can have a good time during your stay. Baller.
Look at all this Space! Honestly, this is more over the top than a Stuart Scott highlight call.
3. The Express Lane
Product Endorsed: Holiday Inn Express
Well, I'm Not a Doctor: The hilarity coming from these commercials starts off slow but ends with a bang. You've clearly seen these humorous bouts of glory, all due to staying at a hotel. Well, I had McDonalds for lunch and you don't see me serving as the emergency chef at the local French place (only because there is no French place in Kirksville, MO). The way these people come off at the start gives the surrounding people so much confidence until they realize he's full of shit and for some reason thinks its funny to play around with lives because he stayed at a decent hotel. Oh, fear and confusion. You are a funny, funny pair of commercial plot devices.
Where's My Cinnamon Roll? A guy from the tour group solving a nuclear meltdown? Only when you stay with Holiday Inn Express can you out-think nuclear technicians and scientists.
2. More Interesting than Me?
Product Endorsed: Dos Equis
Dirty Spaniard: When I first saw a commercial for "The Most Interesting Man Alive," I tried to remember when they were filming me. The subtle dirty, suave Spaniard that is clearly too rich to drink just any beer, but tells you when he does, it's all about the Two X's. What makes it funny is that it's concept is utterly stupid. The only thing interesting about Spaniards is their food. Yet, we are led to believe that this suave, sophisticated man, with a voice that even the straightest man would find enticing, is the most interesting character on the face of the Earth? More than Nelson Mandela or Ashlee Simpson? That's the joke, you say? AHA! Pass the Dos, por favor.
Does Dos mean I get Doble? If any other man was cast in this role, it might come off as terrible. A match made in advertising heaven.
1. This is Pretty Damn Funny
Product Endorsed: Sportscenter
Fill Thy Horn With Oil and Go: As an avid ESPN watcher, I've seen so many of these commercials its not every funny. What keeps me coming back for more is the creativity and the utter ridiculousness that these commercials have been instilling for over a decade. Why are they funny? They are funny because so often we take sports too seriously (ok, its mostly me) and these commercials show us the lighter side of sports and the players. These stars acting with news anchors for the sake of comedy is a stroke of genius that ESPN has played off of for a very long time now. Its not just a commercial, its Sportscenter.
This is Sportscenter: Well, here's one of my favorites. (BTW, this blog proves I watch way too much TV for my own good)
Hope you enjoyed my post today. If nothing else, it was a completely different kind of post. Anyways, since I'm stuck here in Kirksville for the summer, you should expect regular blogging, probably once a week, as I have little else to do besides work a little. So until then, enjoy your summer and make sure you follow this advice:
6. Limp at the Plate
Product Endorsed: Viagra
What's UP with that? Once in a while, Viagra will score a sports star sponsor to star in their commercials. "But, Mike, why is THAT funny?" Are you kidding? Erectile dysfunction is funny, especially if you see Rafael Palmeiro walking down the streets. (Insult Example: Hey there buddy, did your dealer tell you those steroids were Viagra?) We idolize sports stars to a point where they are almost above human. So to think that they couldn't get it up in the heat of the moment has to make you smile to yourself and think "Me 1, Famous Sports Viagra Endorser 999." It's a lopsided score, but at least you didn't get shutout. Also funny: the thought of Bob Dole on Viagra, not knowing what to do with his bones since he's basically senile. Now that's a commercial.
Not Hard to Find a Clip: Actually, it was, that was just a pun. I actually couldn't find this commercial. But you remember it. So let's move on.
5. Super Trading
Product Endorsed: E-Trade Financial
Bang for your Buck? Perhaps you remember a string of E-trade commercials during the Super Bowl that were as wasteful as a Russian nuclear power plant. They literally had the stupidest and most ridiculous things happening while spending an enormous amount of dough on it. Verdict: Success achieved. The commercials just make you shake your head and wish you had enough cash to have an old man sitting rocking his head to a tune being drummed by another. Props, e-trade, mad props indeed.
Perhaps Some Stock in Bananas? A monkey with an e-trade shirt on = more customers.
4. Different Colored Roofs
Product Endorsed: Red Roof Inn
Inn the Money: Perhaps you've seen these, perhaps not. What makes these gold are the purposely over-the-top performance by the guest who just cannot get enough of the Roof. With a fast paced humor and ridiculousness, Red Roof Inn succeeds in making sure you at least remember their name. If you saw one of these commercials, then had a choice between a Red Roof Inn and a Motel 6, you would most certainly stay at Red Roof Inn. Leave the light on for you? Psh! Red Roof Inn has the clapper lights so you can have a good time during your stay. Baller.
Look at all this Space! Honestly, this is more over the top than a Stuart Scott highlight call.
3. The Express Lane
Product Endorsed: Holiday Inn Express
Well, I'm Not a Doctor: The hilarity coming from these commercials starts off slow but ends with a bang. You've clearly seen these humorous bouts of glory, all due to staying at a hotel. Well, I had McDonalds for lunch and you don't see me serving as the emergency chef at the local French place (only because there is no French place in Kirksville, MO). The way these people come off at the start gives the surrounding people so much confidence until they realize he's full of shit and for some reason thinks its funny to play around with lives because he stayed at a decent hotel. Oh, fear and confusion. You are a funny, funny pair of commercial plot devices.
Where's My Cinnamon Roll? A guy from the tour group solving a nuclear meltdown? Only when you stay with Holiday Inn Express can you out-think nuclear technicians and scientists.
2. More Interesting than Me?
Product Endorsed: Dos Equis
Dirty Spaniard: When I first saw a commercial for "The Most Interesting Man Alive," I tried to remember when they were filming me. The subtle dirty, suave Spaniard that is clearly too rich to drink just any beer, but tells you when he does, it's all about the Two X's. What makes it funny is that it's concept is utterly stupid. The only thing interesting about Spaniards is their food. Yet, we are led to believe that this suave, sophisticated man, with a voice that even the straightest man would find enticing, is the most interesting character on the face of the Earth? More than Nelson Mandela or Ashlee Simpson? That's the joke, you say? AHA! Pass the Dos, por favor.
Does Dos mean I get Doble? If any other man was cast in this role, it might come off as terrible. A match made in advertising heaven.
1. This is Pretty Damn Funny
Product Endorsed: Sportscenter
Fill Thy Horn With Oil and Go: As an avid ESPN watcher, I've seen so many of these commercials its not every funny. What keeps me coming back for more is the creativity and the utter ridiculousness that these commercials have been instilling for over a decade. Why are they funny? They are funny because so often we take sports too seriously (ok, its mostly me) and these commercials show us the lighter side of sports and the players. These stars acting with news anchors for the sake of comedy is a stroke of genius that ESPN has played off of for a very long time now. Its not just a commercial, its Sportscenter.
This is Sportscenter: Well, here's one of my favorites. (BTW, this blog proves I watch way too much TV for my own good)
Hope you enjoyed my post today. If nothing else, it was a completely different kind of post. Anyways, since I'm stuck here in Kirksville for the summer, you should expect regular blogging, probably once a week, as I have little else to do besides work a little. So until then, enjoy your summer and make sure you follow this advice:
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