He's Not Much Of A Joker

After Heath Ledger's shocking death this week, the first thing that went through people's minds was probably "Will this affect the new Batman movie?!?!" As sad as that is, it's only natural. From the previews, he looks like he poured a lot of himself into the role and, dare I say it, it may have killed him. That's no joke(r). (Too soon?) Anyways, many other people have died while promoting movies or after great performances. Some have even been nominated for Academy Awards after their death. Although it's bittersweet, it's better than nothing, I suppose. So here you are the 6 After-Death Academy Award Nominations and their Subtle Irony.

Jeanne Eagels for The Letter (1929)
Award: Nominated for Best Actress
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: The Letter was a French crime-drama about a woman who killed her husband and tried to convince the jury of her innocence. Eagels probably should have won the award but there is only one surviving copy of any of her films, this is it. In the end, she has to live with the always growing guilt of killing the man she loved. In reality, Eagels died of a bad (not sure if there's "good") combination of heroin and alcohol. So, it's not THAT ironic but still, there's a little something there. Or is that a bit of a stretch? Give me a break, she died 80 years ago.
Here is the lovely Mrs. Eagels. No wonder they called it THE letter, Jeanne is a Must "C". (Get it?) Wow, even I'm shaking my head thinking "Wow, Mike, Just Wow."


James Dean for East of Eden (1955) AND Giant (1956)
Award: Nominated Twice for Best Actor
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: Dean's tragic death at the age of 24 was a terrible car accident. After a head on collison in his Porsche, Dean was still nominated TWICE, the only person ever to do so. Dean was a hard drug and alcohol user on the set of the movie. Although he wasn't high/drunk at the time, Dean was notorious for his crazy driving. The irony in his death does not lie within his 2 Academy Award nominated films. He was only in 3 movies and the one he wasn't nominated for, Rebel Without a Cause, featured a "chicken race" in which the other character died.
Dean would end up being the one who got plucked. Let the bad puns continue.
Here's a little "Jimmy D" tribute video to the ever appropriate "You Sexy Thing" by Marvin Gaye.


Spencer Tracy for Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (1967)
Award: Best Actor
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: Tracy is tied with Laurence Olivier for the most nominations ever, with 9, so it's not that surprising that he got a posthumunous nomination. His death wasn't that ironic, since he was dying during filming. His friend Katherine Hepburn (who won Best Actress for this film) and him knew, during the filming of the last scene, that it would be their last line on film ever. The tears they cried were genuine as genuine gets. Hepburn never watched the film, as it was too painful. The only real irony in his death is that Tracy would NOT be the one coming to dinner. I'm on a roll, play me off Johnny.
Here's a little video compilation of Hepburn and Tracy together, which will only remind you of one thing: you will never get within 10 feet of anyone as attractive as Hepburn (especially if your reading my blog) and Tracy got to sleep with her.


Peter Finch for Network (1976)
Award: Won Best Actor, the only Actor/Actress to WIN a posthumunous Oscar
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: Finch's character, Howard Beale, in the movie dealt with depression and insanity. He was told he would be fired in two weeks, then on air announced he would kill himself on the air within a week. He's later given his own segment to rant about the meaninglessness after ratings skyrocket, but once his ratings decline, he's murdered on air by the television studio. Is THAT ironic? Finch died roughly a month after the movie Network was released, almost like the film killed him itself! What studio couldn't "network" that into an Oscar win? HA!
Here's the most famous scene from the movie in which Finch's character announces he's "MAD AS HELL AND I"M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" It's actually pretty damn funny, since Finch didn't have to "take this" anymore once he died. (Yeah, that might have been in bad taste)



Ralph Richardson for Greystroke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (1984)
Award: Nominated for Best Supporting Actor
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: How about this? Richardson played a character "The 6th Earl of Greystroke" then died of A STROKE a few months later. Even though I'm one of the only people on Earth that would even chuckle at that, it's still semi-ironic. Even more subtle is that his character was trying to convert an outcast into a different society, much like he was attempting to convert himself from a stage actor to a film actor. Other than that, I got nothing here.
There were really no relevant videos or worthy pictures, so here is a cartoon Tarzan.


Massimo Troisi for Il Postino (1995) (The Postman)
Award: Nominated for Best Actor
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: Troisi actually put off his heart operation to finish this film. He died the DAY after filming the movie of a massive heart attack. He is killed in the film while trying to recite poetry to his love interest. In reality, he died trying to put poetry onto film. Please don't confuse this film with Kevin Costner's garbage film The Postman, as that would only be ironic in that while this film killed Troisi, Costner's film made me want to kill myself. Troisi's stubborn sacrifice for the film was a true example of dedication. Troisi truly "delivered" for this film. It's just too bad it got there just before his "deadline" on life.
Here's a nice little clip from the movie. No more puns, I promise. I wouldn't want to FedEx another bad line out there into cyberspace.


Now that you've heard enough of my bad puns and untasteful jokes, you can take a break from reading my blog for a little while. I'll be sure to grace you with my presence soon enough. Besides, this is some pretty important information your taking in here when you read this blog. What would you do without knowing this stuff? It's excellent part talk and very good to use as an icebreaker. "Hey, did you know Peter Finch is the only actor to win a posthumunous Oscar?" "No" "Well, I didn't until I just looked into your eyes."
Gold, baby, pure gold.

Swing and a Miscast

Some actors were made for the roles that they play. Jack Nicholson in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", Peter O'Toole in "Lawrence of Arabia", or Sean Connery as James Bond. Others, however, make it a little harder to suspend your disbelief. Could you imagine Forest Whitaker, a big black man, playing the role of Sawyer on Lost? Or Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones? Both were casted to these roles but were scratched at the very last minute. Some actors, though, were just not meant for roles they were casted in at all. So here, in this very blog, I will tell you the 6 Most Miscasted Roles in Movie History. Trust me, I'm the right man for this role.

6. Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code (2006)
Unfortunate Role: Super-Professor Robert Langdon
What's the Problem, Mike? If you've read the book and seen the movie, then you know what I'm talking about. Tom Hanks virtually brings nothing of the character from the book to the movie. Other actors that were considered for the role, such as George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, and Russell Crowe, are much more versatile actors than Hanks, who for some reason gives the Motion Picture Academy a stiffy every time he goes on screen. He plays the role of Langdon, especially in his scenes with Sophie, the hot-French "actress", with such a lack of enthusiasm it's impossible to get enthusiastic about it while watching Hanks fumble around the screen like a deer in the headlights.
Here's a scene from the movie that makes you wonder if Tom Hanks even read the book.


5. Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough
Unfortunate Role: Nuclear Scientist Christmas Jones
What's the Problem, Mike? Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist makes about as much sense as Jenna Jameson playing a virgin nun. Never mind the cringing double entendres ("I thought Christmas comes only once a year"), nuclear scientists usually don't run around in skimpy tank tops. Also, Denise Richards doesn't seem very suited for a role of a character with any notable intelligence. Let's just say there's no Academy Awards in her future, unless she sleeps with the Academy. This nuclear scientist certainly made this film a large bomb.
Thankfully, Christmas only came once: 007 X-Mas

4. Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Theives (1991)
Unfortunate Role: Robin Hood, who's apparently the Prince of Theives, which doesn't sound too flattering
What's the Problem, Mike? The movie, also starring movie greats Morgan Freeman and Alan Rickman, is not that bad. However, when your character has a British accent, you really should talk like a British person. Costner just couldn't keep the accent going, as it went in and out through the entire film. When he does try it, it sounds like a drunk New Yorker stepping on a duck. I mean Cary Elwes plays a better Robin Hood in the spoofer flick Men in Tights.
Here's Costner "attempting" to convince you he's a British superhero, which is kind of an oxymoron.


3. Colin Ferrell and Angelina Jolie in Alexander (2004)
Unfortunate Role: Alexander the Great, King of Macedon and Jolie as his mother, Olympias
What's the Problem, Mike? Let's see you have a chain-smoking Irishman playing a Ancient Greek warrior king. Apparently, he has blonde hair, which makes Colin Farrell look even less Greek. Alexander was undefeated in battle and conquered most of the world known to Greece, yet Farrell plays Alexander like a raging homosexual pussy. Not to mention his accent sounds more British than anything resembling Greek or Latin. Jolie is cast as his mother even though she's not even a year older than Farrell. It's much more likely Alexander was a dark-skinned, dark-haired, ruthless lewd badass bisexual king. It didn't help that the movie was directed by Oliver Stone, who loves to throw in his own interpretations of history.
Here's Colin Farrell's character exploring his sexuality:


2. Sofia Coppola in The Godfather, Part III (1990)
Unfortunate Role: Mary Corleone, Michael Corleone's (Al Pacino) daughter
What's the Problem, Mike? It may be a little unfair to criticize Sofia, as she was thrust into the role at the last minute because Winona Ryder dropped out to do Edward Scissorhands. Lost in Translation, which she directed, is a great film. However, her performance in this movie may be one of the most cringe-worthy performances ever delivered on screen. Even the most simple scenes she's in makes the viewer hope Al Pacino just whips out a Uzi and unloads the clip into Sofia. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if they re-casted Sofia's role, the movie would not be so ostracized from the other two Godfathers. Sofia, a pretty good film-maker, is just a terrible film-actor. Her scenes are so bad it's a wonder they didn't include clips of WNBA basketball instead of her scenes. Since, I couldn't find any scenes of her on Youtube, and I must overcrowd my blog with video clips, I included a much more watchable clip of the St. Louis University's basketball team scoring 20 points in an entire game:



1. John Wayne in The Conquerer (1956)
Unfortunate Role: Genghis Khan
What's the Problem, Mike? Well, I don't know. Genghis Khan was born in Mongolia while John Wayne was born in Iowa. The director of the movie even thought the idea was ridiculous but "couldn't say no to John Wayne." Then you have the cowboy trying to play the Mongol warrior, attempting an accent, but nooone's sure what one. Wayne's Fu-Manchu mustache is just unintentionally hilarious in every way. This movie really was a career killer, not for Wayne, but for numerous people involved in the film who succumbed to radiation poisoning because they filmed in the nuclear contaminated Utah desert. So many bad decisions surround this movie that it's like driving backwards drunk on the highway during rush hour. John Wayne, cowboy and war hero, as a Mongolian Emperor. John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Just try to picture it. Or, if you can't, Youtube can for you. Perhaps the most unintentionally hilarious role of all time. Please god, I dare you not to laugh.



I hope you didn't cringe in pain too much from these terribly awful, sometimes funny, miscasting of roles. Contrary to popular belief, my blog will not be recasted as a Chinese game show review website, although I may write about that one day. Just remember you young filmmakers out there, when writing your screenplay make sure your characters cannot be played by Keanu Reeves. Anyways, until next time, I wish you good fortune and total consciousness on your death bed. So you've got that going for you. Which is nice.

A Year In Review

Everywhere you look you can find "Best of 2007" and "Worst of 2007" lists. Filled with Britney, Lindsay, Patriots, and Red Sox. So, in light of all these lists that mean absolutely nothing, I am taking the "Year in Review" back for you. You JUST lived 2007, why do you need a list for it? F that in the A, good sirs and madams. I'm going to give you a Year in Review. It's not going to be for 2007 though. Since I was born in 1986, I'm going to review that year. Besides, without that year you wouldn't be reading this, would you? So here it is Year in Review: 1986.

43rd Best Song: Oran "Juice" Jones, "The Rain"
(You want the #1 Song? Go watch VH1) Oran Jones EXPLODED (BOOM!) onto the music scene with his hit "The Rain" that I'd never heard until I looked it up on Youtube. To be honest, I just pounded the number pad on my keyboard and 43 showed up. So, if you think that Oran should have changed his first name to Orange like me, have a gander at a music video/song that will make you remember the first time you were cheated on. Or, if your like me, the 84th time a girl laughed at your sexual advances and walked away with another guy. However, please at least fast forward to 2:30 to hear an unintentionally hilarious moment as Oran has prepared Hot Chocolate.


2nd Best Sports Movie of 1986: Karate Kid, Part II (Hoosiers definitely number 1)
In one of the best karate movie frachises of all time, The Karate Kid Part II (taking place in Japan) made an impressive $151 million in theaters domestically. Mr. Miyagi, reprising his role as the best youth karate instructor of all time, goes home to see his dying dad and Danny fights his enemy. Miyagi also fights. They both win. In other news, Japanese is a funny sounding language, especially when white people try to speak it. (What? No good? My blog is always racist, get over it.) P.S. 3 Ninjas is better.
Here's Mr. Miyagi crying. Poor guy.



Most Important TV Debut of 1986: ALF
What, you didn't like/have never seen ALF? COMMUNIST! How can you go wrong with an 300 year old-Alien Life Form (A.L.F.) crash landing in a suburban family's garage and thus, living there for the duration of the hilarious TV series. Oh, Alf and his "adoptive" family would get into all kinds of hijinks! These hilarious hijinks were, but not limited to, ALF getting a gambling problem, ALF joining a monestary, ALF getting the hiccups, ALF hosting the Tonight Show, ALF becoming addicted to cotton, and ALF looking for buried treasure! How innovative! The fact that you are still reading and not on Amazon.com buying the DVDs make me sick to my stomach. Absolutely sick, you people. For shame.
Here is ALF, rocking out with his...well, whatever his species has for a reproductive organ out.


Crazy, Obscure Event Nobody Remembers or Ever Heard Of: Mordechai Vanunu
Vanunu was a nuclear plant technician in Israel in the late 70s. He was fired in 1985 from the plant, that was, unknowingly to the world, producing nuclear weapons. Later on, he went to London and gave an interview (even though he signed a silence agreement of some sort) exposing the facility and even providing pictures of it. A Mossad (kind of like CIA) agent disguised herself as an American tourist in Rome and persuaded him to come on holiday with her. In Rome, he was later drugged and kidnapped by the Israeli army, sending him back to Israel on a freighter. Vanunu was convicted of treason and espionage, and put in solitary confinement for the next 16 years. He was released, has been arrested 4 times since, and is now an esteemed member of the University of Glasgow staff.
here's an antisemetic video. i wouldn't watch but you can, i guess:


2 Signs of the Coming Apocolypse from 1986: Oprah's first show airs and Reagan casually exchanges arms to Iran for cash to fund the overthrowing of the Nicaraguan government, which was a large threat to our national security. (Hint: I'm being sarcastic)
Although I'm not sure which event was worse, Oprah arrived on the scene with a huge bang, although I think that was just her sitting down. 22 years later she is still on the air influencing women the world over and has more power than any government leader in the world. Soon, Oprah will precede to buy the whole continent of Africa and feed them. Once Africa returns to a semblence of normalcy, they will be really, really, really pissed off at the rest of the world for ignoring them and fucking them up, and World War 3 will start with Oprah in command of the African army as they easily charge through India, China, Russia, Europe, South America, and North America. White people, in a not-so-funny ironic sort of thing, will then become black people's slaves. This will all happen in 2012, the year after Oprah's show is done and the year the Mayans (correctly, in this case) predicted the apocolypse. Iran, still using the weapons from Reagon, will be the only country in the world to side with the Oprah-African Army. Everyone will be forced to either convert to Islam and become a slave or not convert and be forced to suicide bomb your family's house while they are home.
Whew, I blackedout, what just happened.
Here is a video compilation of Oprah in Africa during Christmas. Just building up that army, I tell you. You wait and see, you'll think "Wow, I can't believe that blog I accidently stumbled onto 4 years ago was actually right." Well, hopefully I won't be.


Wow, 1986 was a happening year if I do say so myself. However, I haven't mentioned the event more important than the signs of apocolypse: July 2, 1986 at 11:29 am in Des Plaines, Il, I was cast into the world to spread good cheer and happiness throughout the land. I have yet to acheive my goal, but I'm getting there. Until next time, where I will return with a hopefully-less-ridiculous blog, I bid you adieu and good tidings for the new year.