The Dolan Mailbag

Everyone gets mail. Day after day, whether you want it or not, mail adressed to you gets delivered right to your door. Unless you're a terrorist. Just like Bill Shatner on the set of "Star Trek", I own this place. This place is this blog. And although my loyal readers don't expand much beyond the few and the proud (although, you could tell others to read if you wanted. it wouldn't kill you, you know), I still get my fair share of questions in response to my controversial speculations and truths. Therefore, I will answer them on my blog. No doubt, the questions will be controversial and obscene (just the way I like them). This is the first Dolan's Answers to the Reader's Questions (Holiday Edition). Sit back and make like Scarlet Johansson in my bedroom and enjoy the ride. (Of course, if my girlfriend is reading this, that was a joke. *winkwink* Damn. That doesn't work as well when you write it.)

Q: Hey, how do you come up with the ideas for this blog?
--Danny, Wheeling, Illinois.
A: Well, Danny, I use a simple process: first, I sniff glue. Then I pour half of a handle of vodka into a (very) large glass, splash a little coke in there, then wash it down with a cigarette and a joint. After that, I go on google, smash my fingers against the keyboard and wah-laa...a topic is born.
Note: recommended only for people with no job, no plans for 48 hours, and a match.com account.

Q: What if you were to hold a fantasy baseball draft with 12 people, get half of them stoned out of their minds and the other half completely drunk off their ass. Which side would have the advantage?
--Ricky W., Miami, Florida.
A: A well thought out question if I do say so indeed. On one hand, the drunks could easily distract the stoners (ex: food, music, the wallpaper design). On the other hand, the stoners could easily distract the drunks by egging them on that they should call a girl they have a "chance" with and their incessant observations about things that stoners make incessant observations about. I don't know if theres an advantage either way, but I think it would be a lot worse than it sounds. There would be about 30 "Didn't Pick in Times", 20 players taken early that shouldn't be drafted ever, and 6-10 retired players taken.
Example of a drunk team: C-Ramon Hernandez, 1B-Mark Bradley, 2B-Dan Uggla, SS-(None), 3B-Mike Lowell, Aramis Ramirez, and "That Guy from the MLB Playoffs Commercials", OF-Alfonso Soriano, Jacque Jones, and Barry Bonds
Example of a stoned team: C-Geo Soto, 1B-Dmitri Young, 2B-Ian Kinsler, SS-Alex Rodriguez (ineligble @ SS), 3B-Joe Crede, OF-Reggie Abercrombie, Ryan Langerhands, and David Jesus

Q: What is your favorite holiday? Also, do you have any ideas for holiday drinks? What are the perfect drinks for each holiday?
-- Robin, Nottingham, UK.
A: My favorite holiday is St. Patrick's day because I'm Irish, a borderline alcy, and I'm scared of large bunnies, fireworks, ghosts, and fat men in red suits. As for holiday drinks, I have perfected them all. For X-Mas, you have Nog-A-Sake (3 parts Eggnog, 2 parts Sake). For Halloween, you have "The Skeleton" (1 pt. Jager, 1pt. Peppermint Schnapps, and 1 pt. Kahlua). For Easter, you have "Break an Egg" (2 pts. Vanilla Vodka, 1 pt Everclear in Hot Chocolate). For Valentine's Day, you've got "The Heartbreaker" (1 pt Bacardi, 1 pt Strawberry Vodka, 4 pts Cranberry Juice, 1 pt Bacardi 151 (add if you're single))

Q: Can the Bears actually run the table and make the playoffs, or were they just teasing everyone with that win over the Jaguars?
--Lovie, Chicago, IL
A: Theoretically, they can. Theoretically, I could blackout tonight and end up on Oprah's back porch in the morning. If the Bears can beat the Saints on Thursday, I'll become a believer that they can run the table. But until then, trusting the Bears is like having a snowball fight in the winter after it just rained: you just might get hit with a big chunk of ice right in the head. Or the balls.

Q: If you could pick any the nationality of any two foreigners in the world to have a threesome with, what would they be and why?
--Bill C., Washington D.C.
A: This is one of the subjective questions where, depending on who you ask, there will be a thousand different answers. If I HAD to choose two, I would choose Brazilian and Armenian (example: Kim Kardashian is Armenian but not the overwhelming factor in my decision). I took a long time pondering the 2nd choice but Armenian eventually came out on top after I thought of something exotic, gleaming, and horny-making (sorry, I spilled coffee on my Thesaurus after "gleaming"). I mean, think about it....or don't, it's my fantasy, not yours. Sorry if I've got a thing for the semi-tanned look that both Middle Easterners and South Americans have. It ain't my fault. Now, about that flight to Yerevan....

Q: What would be a good metaphor for Clay Aiken coming out of the closet in September?
--Paula, Hollywood, California.
A: It's like an Illinois politician, who after a few years seems alright (the baby and straight marriage), but then rumors come out have to do with corruption (just looking at him). You don't want to believe but know they are probably true. You look at them and say "that's the face of a guilty man." Then, they plead guilty or are arrested. (coming out of the closet) (Note: this paragraph sponsored by the Rod Blagojevich Bail Fund)

Q: What is absolutely the worst reality show ever made?
--Flavor F., Compton, California.
A: There has been no show in television history more offensive than "My Super Sweet 16." The only reason anyone watches it is to call the girls bitches, the parents pushovers, and to see how much money they'll actually spend. When (not if) I go to hell, this show will be on repeat at the sports bar that only serves O'Douls and Goldschlagger. Stephen A Smith will be my bartender with the part in "Soulja Boy" that goes "Youuuuuu!" repeats 8,000,239 times in a row.

Q: What was the most disappointing moment, to you, of the train wreck that was "Entourage: Season 5"?
--Mark W., New York, New York.
A: Well, pretty much everything but I'll try and pick one thing that bugged me the most. Through Drama never working, Vince not able to find one role (Ben Affleck found work after "Gigli"!!!), but the moment that bugged me the most was Ari turning down a studio head job, just so he could stay Vince's agent. Talk about the most unrealistic thing in the history of life. Just because Vince wouldn't be able to do that ONE movie, doesn't mean Ari couldn't put Vince in just about anything for the rest of his career, plus make a shitload more money for himself. All in all, the show has gone down in quality faster than "SNL: Post-Ferell".

Q: If new Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro was a fictional character, who would he be?
--Kirk, ??????
A: This was a tough one. I didn't want it to be from a sports movie because that would be too easy. So I thought about the personality of the kid from "Bad Santa" mixed with the look of Chachi from "Happy Days." And I was right.

Q: Was there a better moment in sports this year than Michael Phelps' run at the Beijing Olympics?
--Tim T., Gainseville, FL
A: Well, with this year winding down, the sports fan has had alot to be thankful for this year. The Nadal/Federer match at Wimbeldon was one of the best tennis matches of all-time, Tiger's one-leg win at the US Open, in one of the greatest performances on a golf course ever, a buzzer beating three to force OT in the NCAA Title Game, and Usain Bolt capturing the world with his legs all were amazing accomplishments. In fact, 2008 was probably the best year in sports this decade, if not my lifetime. I think I can point out something everyone will remember from every month this year.
January: Michael Beasley showcasing his talents to the world with Kansas St. beating undefeated Kansas
February: David Tyree's amazing helmet catch to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl
March: Davidson's (and Stephen Curry's) spectacular run through the NCAA Tournament
April: The Kansas/Memphis title game
May: Big Brown capturing the attention of a nation, before and after his races.
June: Tiger Woods stunning win at the U.S. Open on one leg, beating old-but-new Rocco Mediate in a playoff
July: Nadal/Federer at the Wimbeldon Final in an epic 5 set match, winning the last set 9-7
August: Michael Phelps' record metal count in a few intense heats, and Usain Bolt becoming the fastest of all time
September: The Carlos Zambrano No-Hitter
October: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays run through the playoffs
November: Michael Crabtree's game-winning catch on fouth down to beat #1 Texas with 1 second left
December: "Jake Peavy to the Cubs" rumors continue to escalate, incinerate, rinse, repeat, and drive me absolutely insane

That's all for the mailbag.
Hope you all enjoyed a change of pace. With the holidays fast approaching, I'm trying to get as many blogs in as I possibly can. If you have any actual questions in case you liked this, didn't like it, or just want to bash me in general, my e-mail is mdolan2@gmail.com. But until next time, my faithful readers, adios and feliz navidad!