Fake Interview With: Drunk Jesus

I think we can all agree on one thing (at least): drunk people are funny. Usually at least. Celebrities? Even funnier. If you've been around the blog since its inception a few years ago, you may remember a fake interview segment. Well, it's back in all it's drunken glory. And who better to reboot it with than Jesus, the Son of God!

Mike: Hey there readers! I'm here with a special guest, Jesus H. Christ!

(crickets)

Mike: Ehem, right. Let's get this interview started. Jesus has had a few bottles of wine, but any interview with a part of the trinity is fine by me! Now Jesus. Do you blame Jewish people for your death?

Jesus: Hell no. You know who I blashpemin blame? Mary Magdelene wouldn't put out! And she was a g-darned ho! Like something you'd see in a Flo Rida vid.

Mike: Wasn't Mary Magdelene you're aunt or something?

Jesus: Ahhh it didn't matter back then. Moms used to bang their kids if they were virgins at 18 to make sure they got laid. Not mine though. I was like, Mom, I'm a carpenter and my wood needs some sandin'. Knowwhatimean?

Mike: Uhhh let's move on to a slightly less obscene and disgusting topic. What did you think of the depiction of you in The Passion of the Christ?

Jesus: That Clavizelel guy sucks. He'll get into heaven like Twilights on my must-see list!

Mike: What's heaven like, J-man?

Jesus: Imagine Vegas with no STD's and free drinks. Last week I just partied with Sinatra and Mama T. That's what we call Mother Theresa. Homegirl can party.

Mike: Nice, nice. If Jesus had a favorite band, what would it be?

Jesus: You kiddin'? Why you think I just killed DJ AM? I needed a new guy for the Halo Club. Get this: Wet t-shirt contests with Kristal and dead Playboy bunnies. Boo-ya, up top my man!

Mike: Is the internet making the world a more sinful place?

Jesus: Hell nah, LOLcatz are the shiz. I just watched Charlie bit my finger. Hi-lar-ious. Nearly crapped my robe.

Mike: Right. That brings me to an important question that everyone needs to know the answer to. Is masturbating a sin?

Jesus: Jesus man! I can't be giving up the G-Baby's secrets! But I will tell you this: it's a sin to be not out getting on all that fine pussy down there. Christ in heaven!

Mike: But not everyone was lucky enough to be born Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.

Jesus: Nigga, please! There's no ugly people, only people who don't take care of they selves! Take a lesson from my main man Barney Stinson. Boy be mackin all the hoes in the TWO ONE TWO!

Mike: Barney Stinson? Isn't that just Neil Patrick Harris' name on How I Met Your Mother? And isn't he gay in reality?

Jesus: You be blasphemin!

Mike: I would never, Mr. Christ. Let's move on though. Is premarital sex and not using a condom really a sin? Because, I mean, it just feels so much better.

Jesus: I hear that. It's your tool. G-Babes or me don't care if you use or wrap it! That's what it's there for!

Mike: Phwew. I think that's a smooth transition to my next question. What's your favorite song from a Disney movie?

Jesus: You know, bitches always be saying that one Alladin song. But not the Jesus! Oh no, I be rockin' out to Kiss the Girl from the Little Mermaid. Catchy. As. FUCK! Ya feel the son of God or what, huh?

Mike: Indeed. Onto my last and most important question. Will I ever get to have a threesome?

Jesus: OH INDEEEEEEEEED! Not only that, but it'll be soon and both will have big-ass titties! I always hook up my homeboys. HALO THUGZ FOR LIFE!

(High Five)

Mike: Well, we're all out of time here at FIW. Thanks to my guest, Jesus the son of God. Tune in next time. Until then my and J-Money gonna get schwasted! Later Haters!