You see, when I write this blog thinger every so often, sometimes I stare out my window while I'm typing. I see the beautiful world out there, whether it be raining, snowing, hailing, or just plain sunny as a cucumber. I think "one day, I'm not gonna be able to see all this." There will be one day where you will look out that window for the last time. So what I'm doing for you today is to make sure that the last time you look out that window, you got a shit-eating grin on your face. You know why you have a shit-eating grin on your face? Because you've done it all. If you finish this list that is. 30 Things Every Drunk Should Do Before They Die. Obviously, they all involve alcohol.
30. Go On a Bender
Why? Maybe someone just died, maybe you just got dumped, maybe both. Maybe your life just sucks. A bender is this: drinking all day, waking up and doing it again and doing it again, etc. I'd say the minimum to be counted is 3 days. But it sure as hell will help you get over it. My bender was a full 4 days of basically living off of rum and pineapple juice. A weird combo, I know, but my justification was that it reminded me of sunnier times.
29. Dance By Yourself In Front of Everyone
Why? Some people won't dance, since they are awful. Well, look out on the dance floor. If there are 100 people, 75 are terrible dancers. I'd say 80% of people just rock back and forth anyway. But being hammered and attempting to get down like you never have in front of a large crowd? You might get boo'd. But you MIGHT get cheered. Either way, you're a winner. Because you had the confidence to do it. Confidence is hot.
28. Bartend
Why? I think this one goes without saying. Why not get paid to do what you do at home? Make drinks and talk to drunk people. 'Nuff said.
27. Get Sent to the Drunk Tank
Why? Nothing will make you regret drinking more than waking up in jail and not knowing why you're there. It's good sometimes to be reminded of the bad things that booze can do. It will make you learn your lesson. Hopefully just temporarily though.
26. Get Drunk With Your Parents
Why? They are the people that brought you into this world. Whether you hate them, love them, or whatever, it's important to remember that you could've had it worse. So sit back, mix a few cocktails and get a buzz going with mommy and daddy.
25. Get Drunk By Yourself
Why? There are these social norms that say you're an alcoholic if you drink by yourself. I say societal norms are for people who care what others think. You want to take a true, hard look at your life? Pour a few whiskey sours and look in the mirror. You may never be more honest with yourself.
24. Finish a Bottle of Liquor By Yourself
Why? The true test of a drinker is obviously their tolerance. Think you got what it takes? Finish that fifth of Captain Morgan and get back to me. (Ed.'s Note: I hate Captain Morgan)
23. Drunk Fight Someone
Why? I'm not much for fighting but I do believe everyone should at least get in one during their time on good ol' Earth. If nothing else, it'll convince you not to do it ever again. Unless you win. Which if you're reading this, is very doubtful.
22. Get Banned From a Bar
Why? Not kicked out, banned. Forever. Now I've been kicked out before, but not banned. To be banned requires an act so vile, so perverse that only the most drunk of drunk people can pull it off. Anyone ever been 86'd? I'd love to hear your story.
21. Overtip Your Bartender
Why? Once in your life, show your favorite bartender how grateful you really are for pouring your scotch and sodas. You'll never get bad service at that bar ever again.
20. Have Sex in Public
Why? Sex if fun. Unless you're my friend Tim, then it's just worth too much effort. Know the rush you get when you're doing something bad and getting away with it? Oh. Well, have sex in public (public = outside, somewhere visible) and feel the rush. Hard.
19. Drink at Work (or Go to Work Drunk)
Why? Because work sucks and this will make it feel a little better. Those TPS reports will seem comical when you're thinking about your water bottle full of vodka sitting right next to it. Make sure you have some gum and cologne though.
18. Be the Night's DJ
Why? Even if it's standing by the jukebox all night putting in quarters, there's not many better feelings than picking a song and hearing people say "OH! I love this song!" and getting up to dance. If you've got a good flow going, noone would dare pick a song til you miss.
17. Dominate a Drinking Game All Night
Why? Maybe it's quarters, beer pong, or flip cup. Who cares? Hold the title of "winner" for the whole night. Make people say "Damn, that guy is good." They might think you spend too much time in your life playing that game. I say fuck 'em. They're really just jealous they can't do it. Besides, people who are winning at drinking games tend to get more free booze.
16. Make Out In Front of EVERYONE at a Bar
Why? I'm assuming my over-age readers (and underage with Fake IDs) have probably polished this one off. But for those who haven't, do it. There really is nothing like making out with someone sloppy drunk in front of baffled onlookers and not caring. It's liberating.
15. Take Too Many Pictures
Why? Guys tend to not like to take pictures while they're out. I don't know why, I love it. I think it's more the mentality that it's a girl thing and guys (at least the ones I know) are really only out to pick up girls. Well, FUCK THAT! The memories of drunken fun usually only live on in the pictures you take. So take way too many.
14. Spend Over $100 on One Bottle
Why? It might be champagne for you and your spouse's anniversary or a present for your best friend, but one time in your life, you should know how $100 booze tastes like. Maybe it tastes like that $10 bottle of whiskey you have at home, but at least you'll have tasted it.
13. Get Drunk Somewhere You Shouldn't Be Drunk
Why? Church, Class, Your AA Meeting, wherever. Somewhere completely inappropriate. It's funner than it sounds and it'll make even the most boring leadership seminar seem at least a little interesting.
12. Buy a Member of Your Favorite Band a Drink
Why? There is little better than drunk music. Thank the men that make you rock out while getting liquored up. They deserve at least one.
11. Watch Your Favorite Movie Drunk
Why? Remember how being drunk makes everything better? Try being drunk and watching your favorite flick. Your fond memories of it will only intensify under the sauce.
10. Do a Kick-Ass Kegstand
Why? I say "kick-ass" because it obviously depends on your size and tolerance. I'd say a 15-20 seconds is OK, but not great. If you want a real goal, I'd say something really impressive would be between 45-60 seconds. You'll get mad respect.
9. Join the Century Club
Why? You can do a power hour, whoop-de-doo. So can the rest of your campus/city/slum. Try doing it for 100 minutes. Can you handle 10-11 beers in less than two hours? Now that's a real feat of strength.
8. Get Drunk Overseas (Mexico is not "Overseas")
Why? Drink up someone else's culture. Buy a bottle of wine and sit out in a cafe in Venice. Split a bottle of ouzo in Greece. Get some pitchers of Sangria in Spain. Have some sake in a Japanese karaoke bar. Take in the culture of another country by sitting out and just enjoying the view with a bottle of liquor. Customs, sightseeing, and all that is great, but just sitting and taking the city in? That's what too many travelers take for granted.
7. Drink All Night to Honor the Fallen
Why? Maybe one of your parents, friends, or extended family members has just died. Honor their memory with a bunch of shots, drinks, and stories about their past. Trust me on this, it'll help you remember the best of times you had with that person. And that truly is the testament of a lifetime: the great times you'll never forget.
6. Buy the Entire Bar a Shot
Why? Yeah, it may not be economically viable these days. So maybe go into a dive and buy the five alcoholics there a shot. Either way, feel the feeling of complete and utter joy around you. That's everyone toasting to you. Even as you sign that $150 bar tab, you'll still be smiling.
5. Make Your Pilgrimage
Why? Go drink where your ancestors boozed. Go get a St. Patrick's Day Guinness in Dublin (best moment of my life? probably) if you're Irish. German? Go sample the Oktoberfest brews. Russian? I hear the vodka is da, very good, in Moscow. Every country has their own special brand of alcohol. Drinking it in America is just not the same as enjoying it where it was meant to be enjoyed.
4. Go to Vegas for a Impromptu Weekend
Why? Get three of your friends and plan a trip on Tuesday to leave on Friday. Spend two nights drinking, gambling, and carousing all over the city. There is no better city to find adventure and fun than in Vegas. Remember: no matter what you bet on, you can bet on having a good time. (Wordplay? kind of my thing)
3. Hit on Someone So Far Out of Your League, You Might as Well Be on the Latvian Bowling Team, Second Division
Why? Rejection is part of life. There's something wrong with you if you don't ever get rejected. Not everyone clicks, it's just a part of life. Sometimes you only have 10 seconds to get someone to like you. Go over to that ten. Not a good idea to ask if she wants a drink, since it'll probably be for nothing, but getting a little sauced and going for it is never a bad idea.
2. Tell Someone How You Really Feel
Why? In love with that girl that you're only supposed to be friends with? Hate your boss? Think your girlfriends "platonic" guy friend has a secret agenda? Get drunk and call them out. There's no better feeling than getting the truth out. Because there's no worse feeling than regretting not doing something. You might hurt feelings, you might lose friends. But you might find out that others feel the exact same way. Either way, regret is too strong of a feeling to live with. So don't live with it.
1. Give and Receive an Awesome Best Man Speech (Or Maid of Honor Toast)
Why? There's rarely a bigger honor in a man's life than being someone's best man or asking someone to be your best man. I, for one, already know who my best man will be and I'm sure it will reciprocated. Giving a great best man speech is tough, but if it comes from the heart, there's no doubt that it will kill. So toast your best friend on the best day of his life and listen to him toast you on yours. It's unlikely you'll have a drunken moment that will be more meaningful.
There you go. Cross them off one by one on your way to your grave and hopefully, when you die, they can print this out and show all 30 things crossed off at your funeral. It'll be awesome. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my post on feats of strength and your hopefully future accomplishments. Until next time, adios muchachos!
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