The Bro Raper
Common Offenders: Current and Former Frat boys
Traits: Tan, Ripped, Bleached Hair, Possible Popped Collar, Definitely hates me
But Why? The direct opposite of the "Whoo!" Girls, Bro Rapers end every sentence with bro. Yeah, bro! For sure, bro! Everything is "as fuck." Drunk as fuck, jacked as fuck, fucked as fuck. The possibilities for lameness are endless. While drunk, these trends are amplified. They will hit on your girlfriend. Usually, they only go for obviously drunk young chicks. Pretty much too cool for anything but grinding, hitting on girls, or drinking some brewski's with his broski's. Also may sport a hat that is bright white, just tilted a little to the side. But only if he's feeling limber.
The Heavily Hammered
Common Offender: Really Skinny, Really Fat, and/or Really Ugly People
Traits: Ugly, Fat, Skinny, Cockblock, Fun, Teeny bit annoying
But Why? The Heavily Hammered are there to do one thing and one thing only: get FUCKED UP! And they will say it like that. They are loud, funny, and out of control. Will hang around any of his friends that aren't hitting on girls. Usually, the Heavily Hammered is too debilitated to pick up girls, which is why he compensates and gets hammered. He will never stop drinking throughout the night until he pukes in your back seat when you're 10 feet away from his driveway.
The One or Two
Common Offenders: Good Looking Guys out to pick up girls
Traits: Good-Looking, Well-Groomed, Not Me
But Why? The One or Two will only have one or two. He won't get that drunk because he needs to be on top of his game. He'll be on the prowl for drunk girls. He may even go to the bar alone, he's that confident in his game. He'll nurse his beer like he's moonlighting at the hospital. To him, Girls > Fun. Which is sometimes true, but not 100% of the time, but it is to him. Usually the guy in the group that everyone gets pissed at because he's good at everything he does.
The Creep
Common Offenders: Men with little to no social skills
Traits: Awkward, Creepy, Just.....strange.
But Why? The creep, normally reserved when sober, comes out completely when drunk. He's too forward, says things that are baffling, and doesn't know when to stop. Will probably be the guy that cock-blocks you because he thinks he's still got a shot with the girl you were just making out with on the dance floor. Even the drunkest of people can sense the creepiness. Probably was/is in a long relationship that has caused his social skills to deteriorate.
The Reverter
Common Offenders: Shy guys trying to get over the ex, in a fight with their current girl, or just lacking confidence
Traits: Stand-offish, depressed, fragile.
But Why? The Reverter just can't get over the bad things that have happened to him. Fight or break-up, possibly just unsuccessful with women in general, just reverts him back to his old, shy self. He's not fun to hang out with and alcohol makes it terribly worse. He'll probably spend most of the night in the corner, texting his ex, and wallowing in self-pity. Could be a fun guy but only if everything is going right for him. The most annoying type of guy drunk there is.
The Sophisticated
Common Offenders: Rich Guys, in general
Traits: Rich, Stylish, Suave, Stuck-Up
But Why? The Sophisticated has enough to spend on the entire bar. He'll be buying Grey Goose Martini's for him and all the girl's he's flirting with. Likely married and cheating. Only hangs out in the most expensive, cool bars around. Likely lives in the city or in a rich suburb. Isn't afraid to flaunt his money but won't "make it rain" or anything. The more of them there are, the more they flaunt it. The kind of guys that get DUI's even though they could probably hire a driver. Will buy a girl any and every drink she wants. May roofie.
The Fighter
Common Offenders: The Insecure, the Emotional, the Stupid, Meatheads
Traits: Angry, Stupid, Emotional,
But Why? Drinking is supposed to be fun but not for these guys. That guy glance at you for more than two seconds? "God, I'm gonna pound that douche." Bump into you in a crowded bar? "What the fuck, bra?" Likely also a "Bro Raper" drunk. There's just something about alcohol that makes the fighter want to fight and do nothing else. He's just begging for a reason to get in your face and look like a total badass, even though he's looking like a total ass. He's not secure enough with himself to just have fun, so he thinks he needs to prove something to everyone by beating on smaller people. Also, I hate these people because they can all kill me.
The Michael Francis Dolan
Common Offenders: Well, me. What are you, dumb?
Traits: Uber-Attractive, Funny, Smart, Loveable, just plain magic in bed and never exaggerates.
But Why? My drunkenness is one of a kind, or so I've heard. When drinking, rarely anything can get M.F. Dolan down. He may not be the life of the party, but everyone at the party loves that he's there. Even him being belligerent is fun because he's not too loud or stupid, just plain fun. Never fights or wants to, would rather drink with a person that just bumped into him. The perfect kind of drunk. The drunk I wish everyone was. He steals your women, drinks your Patron, hits on your mom, and is an excellent drunk writer. You may hate him because of that, but guess what? Everyone else does not.
There you have it. I'm sure you can lump all of your male friends into at least one of these categories. Trust me, I know drunk people. I was basically fertilized in red wine and rum anyway. But I'm not too much into the conclusion today. So I'm going to leave you with this, a dynamite video that will make you more awesome for having watched it. Here it is. It's humorous.
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