STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING! Why, you ask? Because it's a new version of THE mailbag. Welcome to the month of September, where it'll start to get cold and ugly outside. Well, I'll tell you something: it's gonna stay hot and super attractive here at the blog. And there's no way better to warm you up than answer fake questions from real readers. Or is it the other way around? I just don't know anymore! In the words of Sir Lady Gaga, Let's Dance! The Mailbag Today, the trending topic will be drinking. Don't act shocked. The blog's devoted to alcohol.
Q: How many days a week do you need to drink to be consider an actual alcoholic?
--T. Brady, Boston, MA.
A: You can drink every day and not be an alcoholic. It's just how MUCH you drink everyday. See, normal members of society have this thing called "moderation." If you can limit yourself to one/two beers, one glass of wine, or one cocktail a day, then you aren't an alcoholic. But if you get drunk everyday, then you might need to get your name on the liver transplant list. Nothing wrong with being pre-emptive.
Q: How cool does your full name have to be to call you by your full name instead of just your first or last name?
--C. Handler, Los Angeles, CA.
A: My name, Michael Dolan, is pretty damn good. Names with short last names are the best for this. Usually, I just shorten first names and that's your nickname from me. (Yeah, I can abbreviate any name. Try me. Sam, you ask? "What up, S?" Boom. Roasted.)
Q: If you could get drunk with one athlete, who would it be and why? Also, what if the offer was only good for a night before a huge game for that team?
--L. Meester, Gossip City, AL
A: If anyone from Chicago or Denver doesn't say Kyle Orton, then they are either lame or lying. Google image search "kyle orton drunk" and tell me you disagree. There's just no way I'd pass up the opportunity. And yeah, even if it could only be the night before a big game, I still would. You know why? Because I bet he plays better hungover anyway.
Q: If you were drunk and had to hear one song on repeat for an entire night, what would it be?
--S. Breaston, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Wow. A fine question, but a tough one. Since I'd be drunk it would need to pump you up. It would also need to be catchy and have a ton of awesome, repeatable lyrics so you can come in at certain parts of the song throughout the night. That's why I'm going with "Saturday Night" by Lucky Boys Confusion. I've heard this song for a decade and I'm not sick of it, so I don't think one night of it would be too damn bad.
Q: Please explain to me how you are still alive.
--Y. Ming, Beijing, CH.
A: It's simple: even though I admittedly have a few really bad habits and past habits, I do work very hard at keeping myself in shape through an excessive amount of running. Also, I really only eat two meals a day and always try and keep one of those meals extremely health-conscious. So don't think I'm all fun and games. Just mostly.
Q: So I had an idea for a reality TV show. Get a camera and follow drunk people around. Call it "Drunk." Why is this not a show yet?
--D. Lee Roth, Somewhere.
A: How this is not a show, I do not know. You could even just have one single bar and call the show "Barroom Stories". If people are drunk and know they're on camera, well they would pretty much do anything. Take "Girls Gone Wild" for example. The only problem is, there are a lot of lame people that also drink. But you have an idea there. Let's run with it.
Q: What if, in some bizarre parallel universe, the last 3 girls you drunkenly kissed all had the same initials? BTW you missed your meeting the other day.
--Alcoholics Anonymous, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: True story. This is a current, ongoing situation that is starting to become a little weird in my life. The last three girls that I've actually liked have all had the same initials. I'm not sure how to react to it anymore. One more though and I'm probably gonna freak out.
Q: What is the absolute best drunk food? To contrast, is eating drunk better than eating high? Also, is music better drunk or high?
--G. Busey, Hollywood, CA.
A: Let me tell you something: besides sex on a few drugs, there is nothing better in the world than eating high. Nothing. It's half the reason I was a pothead for so long. As for music, it depends what kind of music. I mean rap music is awesome when you're drunk but it sucks ass when you're high. That's a matter of opinion. As for the best drunk food? Edible panties. Boom.
Q: Are there any social drinking situations where it's okay to call a girl a "c*nt" or a black person a "n*gg*r"?
--N. Patrick Harris, Cooler-than-youville, USA.
A: Assuming you are white, there is no social situation where it's socially acceptable to call a black person the "n" word. As for calling a girl a cunt, I think if a girl does something really bitchy thing like pouring her drink on you for no reason or kicking you in the balls with a backward heel kick, I think that's fine. I don't think there's a particular word that would offend me personally just from being called it. I guess the closest word would have to be "spudfucker" because I am not a fucker and just because I like potatoes, doesn't mean you can make fun of my people's major famine. That was like the Holocaust to the Irish. Besides, who the hell doesn't like potatoes? Communists?
Q: Say you've got a bottle of Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Skol. Pour them all in a punch bowl. Add a bottle of lime juice. Now say you started drinking at 9 PM. How long before you get arrested?
--L. David, Hollywood, CA.
A: I'd say if you have 4 full cups of that in 2 hours then went out, you'd be arrested by 11:30pm. What in God's name would posses you to try something so perverse? (writes down recipe)
Q: Say you're drinking with the guys, headed to the Bears game. Is there any situation where it's acceptable for one of said friends were to say "By the way, I invited my girlfriend."? Should he be ostracized immediately?
--O. Bloom, Auckland, New Zealand.
A: There are a few acceptable situations for this:
1. They are his tickets.
2. He hasn't had sex with her yet and really really wants to.
3. The girl is really, really cool and knows the general idea of football.
4. She offers to pay for beer.
Q: I love your 10 rules for sex for women. Give me more, please.
--E. Szempinski, Mt. Prospect, IL.
A: I mean, if you insist fake question asker:
1. You on top in the morning is awesome and is a great substitute for coffee.
2. Involving food with sex? Yes.
3. Handjobs in public are not only advisable, but recommended.
4. Using your hand without any lubrication does NOT count as foreplay in the least bit.
5. I mean, I don't pay for dinner to get a hug....
6. If you call me the wrong name during and I want to leave after, you don't get to complain.
7. Don't yell out "fuck me." What the hell do you think I'm doing already?
8. Don't make fun of my fantasies for being too weird or too elaborate. Because if you fulfill them, I'll do anything (outside the bedroom, I mean) that you want. Even go to the opera.
9. Don't tell a guy you won't have an abortion by a stairwell. Just saying.
10. Sex is not love. Please, don't confuse those two.
Q: Give me 4 reasons why I shouldn't call this girl the next day after meeting her at a bar.
--Q. Richardson, New York, NY.
A: Getting a bit sick of these lists but let's educate your fine self.
1. You don't want to seem too overanxious.
2. The girl may be just as excited as you. The longer you wait, the anticipation builds. More anticipation = More payoff (no, i don't mean sex, you horndogs)
3. Obviously, you can't wait too long to call though. Showing you're patient enough is a plus.
4. Desperation reeks from a mile away.
Q: Do you make "the girls go bad"? Is it true that if you don't "use it, you lose it"? Do you know "somewhere over the rainbow"? Have you ever had "sex in the backseat of your car"? What is your "go-to drink"? Why am I "putting everything in quotes"?
--A. Griffin, New Haven, CT.
A: Not very often, but on occasion the girls go bad for me. Not true. Wrigleyville. Yes. 7 & 7. You're a tool or senile.
Q: What's the most boring thing to do while drunk?
--G. Clooney, Hollywood, CA.
A: Read or study. Also, learning a foreign language. Try and conjugate after 6 shots of Cuervo.
Q: Alcohol doesn't show up in drug tests, does it?
--D. Hester, Chicago, IL.
A: Does Sprite? What about Apple Juice? Maybe Kool-aid? No, you moron. Alcohol only shows up on drug tests immediately after you take it. And by drug tests I mean breathalysers. Stick to those punt returns.
Q: Just had anal sex on an airplane...with the stewardess...after she gave me four free vodka tonics. Beat that, why don't ya?
--B. Bonds, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Once again, I'm forced to beat an awesome story with one of my own. Hear it goes: Once I hooked up with a girl at a bar. Went home with her, blah blah blah. Long story short: the girl was black out drunk and we had sex and I never called her. Not because I'm an asshole, but because she wouldn't even have remembered. And she was annoying. Anyways, the next time I saw her she was drunk again, remembered who I was and called me a douchebag the whole night. Long story short again, the same thing happened. I mean, I guess that doesn't beat having sex on a plane with a stewardess but I don't have many great sex stories. But touche.
Q: So life didn't give me lemons. Or limes. Or any fruit for that matter. What is the fruitiest fruit to put in a drink? What's the coolest?
--L. Bass, Eugene, OR.
A: The fruittiest fruit to put in a drink is banana. I mean, if you're a guy and you have a banana in your drink, there's a good chance you'll be eating something similar in your mouth later. As for the coolest, well by default I guess it would have to be raspberries (why is there a p in that word?) just because I like the way the look in punches. Yes, punch. Don't be hatin'.
Q: Do you enjoy being an alcoholic blog writer/amateur writer/restaurant worker?
--S. William Scott, Santa Fe, NM.
A: Making fun of me is irrelevant because I'm in a very happy place. I'm working two part time jobs, have a pretty good personal life going, and although my writing career isn't exactly taking off, I'm having a pretty good time doing it. So to recap, working, fun, and satisfying. Also, if you're gonna call me an alcoholic can you at least call me a "functional alcoholic"? I feel like, at least I'm not sitting around drinking all day. Just at night.
(Alcoholism isn't funny kids! I in no way support it in case any future employers, female interests, or extended family members are currently reading this!)
That's it for the September bag of mail. I hope you enjoyed the discussions on confused sentences as much as I did. I will leave with an important piece of information: Pasta? A bit overrated in my opinion. That'll do it, adios muchachos!
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