Ladies and gents, boys and girls, species of animals that can somehow read, I welcome you back to the blog that gave you all brief moments of intellectual, spiritual, and idiotic enlightenment throughout the last few years. Ever think of irony as that Alanis Morrisette song (where nothing is ironic, which doesn't make it ironic at all)? Well, then you have awful taste in music. That's not what irony really is though. This blog, however, will feature bits of irony. But I digress. You've never invented or made anything important. If you had, you'd have too much money to read this blog. So I'm going to combine my favorite literary device with my favorite topic: irony and history. More accurately, historical irony. Or, even more accurately, The 6 Most Ironic Examples of Historical Irony.
6. Wan Hu
When: Sometime during the Chinese Ming Dynasty or around 1500 for those who have never taken advanced Chinese history.
The Situation: Wan Hu died becoming the world's first "astronaut" on the "spaceship" that he made.
The Irony: Wan Hu's "spaceship" was actually just a chair with 50 rockets attached to it. According to legend, he sat in the chair while 50 men each lit a rocket and ran away because, as legend has it, rockets usually are dangerous in the hands of uneducated Chinese military personnel. So it blew up and Wan Hu "disappeared" (read: blew up into hundreds of little pieces). Some say that this story is just a legend since its not included in Chinese historical records. If that's true, the accurate version of China's entire history will be included below:
(Insert historical records here)
5. Perillos of Athens
When: The 6th Century BC in Ancient Greece
The Situation: Perillos was commissioned to build a torture device, now known as the "Brazen Bull", by Phalaris, a tyrant of a suburban Greek village. (Story inspired the movie "Gigli", with Ben Affleck starring as the torture device)
The Irony: When Perillos was showing off the finished product to his employer, his employer thought it'd be wise to give it a test drive. With Perillos inside. (Brazen Bull: torture device in which the victim is locked inside a metal container over hot flames until burnt to death. When the victim screams, it sounds like a bull bellowing because of the metal.) Perillos didn't die inside the Brazen Bull, but Phalaris threw him off a cliff because he was good like that. In another twisting bit of ironic fate, Phalaris was overthrown and thrown in the Brazen Bull, where he died. The guy who invented it was killed because of it and the guy who wanted it built was killed inside of it. And you wonder where the word "perilous" came from? Boom, word origin master right here.
4. Otto Lilenthal
When: In 19th Century Germany, known in Germany as "The Unification Times When We Came Close to Smiling."
The Situation: Lilenthal was a renowned German flight aviator guy. He was the first to successfully glide in the air for far distances. He tried again.
The Irony: Lilenthal was the first man to get a patent for the hang glider. He inspired the Wright Brothers and their attempt at flight. He also, unintentionally, went on to inspire that "the guy died in a hang gliding accident" joke from "Wedding Crashers." On what he thought would be a pioneering flight, he pioneered himself to the ground from about 60ft, crushing his spine and killing him the next day. His final words were "Small sacrifices must be made!" (unknown if the exclamation point was included) Otto just flew too close to the sun. Or was walking on air. Or had his head up in the clouds. Or was crushed by failure. Alright, that's enough wordplay.
3. Fritz Haber
When: Right in between World War I and World War II in Germany, right in the middle of that failure sandwich.
The Situation: Fritz was a Nobel Prize winning chemist for his work synthesizing ammonia, but I'm thinking the Nobel committee would take it back if they figured he'd become known as the "Father of Chemical Warfare."
The Irony: For all his work with chemicals, Fritz Haber invented the poison gas Zyklon B which was to be used as an insecticide, but later used as that "gas in the concentration camps." Because of his work, Haber's wife committed suicide after he first oversaw his gas being used for the army. Then, members of Haber's extended family were killed by the gas in concentration camps. After World War II, presumably because "The German Comedy Hour" radio program that he loved was canceled, Haber committed suicide. After his death, he was incorrectly associated with the creation of meth but that's just because people said "fuck it, let's just pile it on this guy." A little known fact about him was that he was actualyl the guy who created the "What's the Deal with....?" jokes but they didn't catch on since there were no airline peanuts to make fun of. (Newman!)
2. Alfred Nobel
When: In 19th Century Sweden, where "nooobody knows" (said in generic spooky voice) what happened because, well, it's cold there damnit.
The Situation: You know Nobel as the guy who the Nobel prize is named after. But do you know his real claim to fame? He made a fortune making dynamite. Well, that's right. The Nobel Peace Prize is named after the guy who invented dynamite. However, he did invent it to create safer mining and the like. So we'll give him some credit. But not much.
The Irony: Although he did create dynamite as a safer alternative than gunpowder and the like for mining and other endeavors, dynamite soon was taken up as a weapon in the Franco-Prussian War (I know what your thinking "The French FOUGHT?!?" Well, don't worry. They lost this one too) So his invention that was supposed to save lives ended up taking more than it saved. Nobel, however, was so rich through the creation of dynamite that he all the funds he left for his Nobel Foundation have been used to create the various Nobel Prizes and recognize significant scientific advances, like Al Gore' Powerpoint Presentation and Bono's....well, whatever it is that Bono does. Besides singing, of course.
1. Thomas Midgley, Jr.
When: During the early-mid 20th century on the East Coast of the You Ese.
The Situation: Midgley was a mechanical engineer/chemist who added lead to gasoline for General Motors to prevent engines from internally combusting, a practice which was soon adopted by all American car companies.
The Irony: The addition of lead into gasoline released a dangerous amount of lead in the atmosphere, causing health problems all over the world. He even got lead poisoning himself and had to take a long vacation. After that vacation, he took part in the GM Chemical Company to produce it, but 8 team members died of overexposure and caused GM and Standard Oil to create the Ethyl Gasoline Company to produce lead, using an even more dangerous temperature. Workers quickly were overcome with insanity, hallucinations, poisoning, and death. To demonstrate its safety, Midgley poured lead all over his hands and breathed it in through his nose for 60 seconds straight. The plant was shut down by the state of New Jersey and if you get shut down by New Jersey for health violations, then you know something might be a little wrong. He also created Freon, a CFC that damaged the atmosphere heavily, and received a few awards. He eventually died after getting polio, probably naturally (sarcasm alert), and strangling himself in the strings holding up his limbs. Midgley was quoted as "having the single greatest affect on the atmosphere more than any single organism on Earth." His nickname is the adoringly put together "The Man who Destroyed the Atmosphere." Which is funny because, you know, he kinda did.
Well I'm glad to be back after my short yet noticeable absence from the blog. I'll be back more frequently from now, I promise. Hopefully I've cleared up your definition of irony and you got a little chuckle out of some the events that took place on this blog, even though most of them were kinda tragic. I won't take up too much more of your time, since I'm sure you have better things to do. And if you don't, you should really get a hobby. Until I see your lovely faces again, vá parafuso se!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
When the Judge and Jury are the Executioner
Nowadays, capital punishment, where it still exists, is (in some places, at least) much more civil and organized than it was back in the day. Since human rights groups go ape shit over every capital punishment, many states and European countries have abolished the death penalty altogether. Not to worry, we aren't here to get into a debate over capital punishment, as that would be too ordinary for a blog such as this. In today's capital punishment world, there's basically two choices of execution: lethal injection or the chair. Unless your in China, there's not much to "choose" from anymore. So let's go back a-ways, to where and when there were better options if you were going to get killed by the state. These are the 7 Most Painful Forms of Execution Used in the Past. These will be especially cringe-worthy, a different sort of cringe-worthy, though, than the current season of "Entourage." Ugh, that's like a whole different kind of capital punishment.
[I was going to add pictures to go with the descriptions, but out of respect for those that were killed, and because my blog is not the script for "Saw VI", I decided not to. All are readily available on a google image search, but I advise against it.]
7. Breaking Wheel
When Used? Started in Ancient Greece and was popular all the way through the French Revolution
Description: The perp is tied to a wheel, with their arms in legs placed between two spokes. They are then spun around and hit by a club in these limbs, breaking numerous bones. In essence, they are cudgeled to death, which is a pretty painful word yet way to die. What makes this method so painful is that, it's basically like having your limbs tied down to make you into an "X" across, with your limbs still supporting your body weight. Then imagine having all these limbs broken in numerous places, yet still supporting your body weight. Or, imagine doing the reverse cowgirl with Roseanne. If you actually imagined that, I apologize for the loss of your sex drive.
How Long to Die? Occasionally, a merciful crowd would allow the executioner to give a "blow of mercy," that would cause death much sooner. Without that blow, it would take multiple hours, occasionally up to a day or two, before the victim would die of shock and dehydration.
6. Boiling
When Used? All the way from the late 12th century up until the 17th century, although it has been used sparingly after that.
Description: Well, there's not much to describe. It's like making coffee, except there's a person in there. Other liquids were used, such as oil, tar, and, if the executioner was having a shitty day, molten lead. Which presumably would make you look like Han Solo in carbonate. The victim was usually thrown in head first to speed up the process and death would eventually be by "frying." And you wonder where they got the idea for KFC? Although it was an older form of punishment, crazy motherfuckers Idi Amin (he of Forest Whitaker's "The Last King of Scotland") of Uganda and Islmov Karimov (he of Central Asia's most torturous country, Uzbekistan) have been accused of using boiling as a form of torture. Amin was also accused of cannibalism. I'll end there.
How Long to Die? Put a pot of water to a flame, wait til boil, cook for 15-30 minutes, depending on how cruel you are, and wah-la!
5. Ling Chi
When Used? Was used in China from the 10th Century until it was abolished in 1909. The Chinese plan to hold a rally for 1,000 lucky girls to celebrate the "100 Year Anniversary of Ling Chi" next year.
Description: Also known as "slow cutting," Lingchi was reserved for the worst offenders back in China. The offender was tied to a wooden frame. While tied down, pieces of flesh would be slowly cut away from his body from all different areas. To make sure the offender stayed conscious, opium was administered to dull the pain. Then, the body would be dismembered by cutting off the limbs, then death would be administered by a stab to the heart or a effective cutting off of the head. The Western world extremely exaggerated the process of Lindchi, calling it "death by a thousand cuts." In fact, there was probably less than 10 cuts. But that would be the LAST time the Western World would exaggerate anything about a different culture. Ever.
How Long to Die? Although some Westerners thought the process took hours upon end, it actually took no more than 15-20 minutes, sometimes shorter. Most of the damage took place after the perp was no longer alive, making it much more moral.
4. Necklacing
When Used? Mostly during apartheid during the 1980's and 90's in South Africa, but it has occurred ever since then, just not sanctioned by....anyone.
Description: While there may be more painful ways to die on our countdown, necklacing wins my award for creativity. Take a rubber tire, fill it with gasoline, put the tire on the person you are lynching, and set it on fire. Pain ensues. After the flame burnt through the rubber, every inch of your body would be consumed with fire. The only saving grace you have is that the pain probably wouldn't last for very long. The tire would essentially "blow up" on you. Kevin Carter, a Pulitzer Prize winning award South African photographer, captured a few of these killings on camera and won himself a Pulitzer. Carter was so overcome with depression over these killings that he eventually took his own life. So you can assume they were rather brutal.
How Long to Die? About as long as a body could take a barrage of gasoline covered flames. (note: not very long)
3. Scaphism
When Used? Used in the ancient times before "BC" turned into "AD", in modern day Persia. Or Iran, where "T&A is offensive as Drew Gooden's beard!" "The Johnny"
Description: Oh, those Iranians. They sure knew how to make people suffer! In the old country, the offender would be tied with rowboats on his back. (Imagine it like an "H" with the person being the middle line) One of the boats would surely be placed under the offender's backside. Why? Oh, I'm getting there. Then, he was fed honey and milk until they developed a severe case of diarrhea. Then, honey was spread all over the offenders body to attract insects. After that, they were put out to sea. The poop collected in the boat, attracting ever more insects. The offenders flesh would be exposed and the insects would eat or breed within the exposed flesh. The lucky ones developed gangreene. If you call that lucky, which I most certainly do not. (If you DO call that lucky, you sir are offensive) Presumably, when you finally die, you look like the guy from the third "Indiana Jones" who picked the wrong chalice. (That's 2 straight blogs with Indiana Jones references! Let's see how long I can keep that up)
How Long to Die? Well, you can imagine it would be a very long time. Since the offenders were often re-fed, many lasted for up to two weeks or longer before finally expiring like milk in my old apartment's fridge.
2. Sawing
When Used? Biblical times during the Roman Empire, but also occurred in Asia and the Middle East.
Description: Not to be confused with the never ending horror franchise, sawing was a awfully painful way to go. The condemned were hung upside down, spreadeagled. You know that region between your backside and your frontside private areas? Well, starting there, you would be sawed in half. However, if you were in Asia, you'd be standing up, which had to be preferable. What really sucks about this method (for the victim, not the people watching. In fact, this would be the best part for people watching) is that, since you are hanging upside down, there is a continuous blood supply to your brain so that you stay conscious for much longer and feel much more pain. To no surprise, Roman Emperor Caligula absolutely adored this method of torture. Then again, Caligula prostituted his sisters and tried to make his horse a priest. So this was like foreplay.
How Long to Die? The victim would obviously be experiencing an immense amount of pain during this entire process and would probably live until a few moments after important (read: necessary for life) veins were cut in the abdomen (the stomach, for you laymen and retarded people). You could say that these victims were dis-membered (think about it....wait for it...OK! let's move on)
1. Hanging, Drawing, and Quartering
When Used? Was used in England for high treason (not to be confused with sober treason) from 1251 until it was abolished in 1870.
Description: You must figure that, number one on this list, this must be fucked up. Well, you're right. This is all one punishment, not three separate ones. To start off, the offender is dragged on a wooden board to the place where this freak show was happening. Then, the offender was hanged until right before he was dead, but barely conscious. OK, that sounds fair. After that, the executioner laid him back on the wooden board and chopped off his manhood like Emeril on an carrot. Then, the merciful man cuts the man open and removes his bowels, then proceeds to set the man's penis and internal organs on fire, while the penis and organs are outside the man's body and the man is still alive. Because that wasn't enough for English people (when is it ever enough for the English?), the man's arms, legs, and head were all cut off and since that's STILL not enough, all the limbs including the head were put on public display. The most famous case may have been William Wallace, he of Mel Gibson's non-Jew hating masterpiece Braveheart.
How Long to Die? I'd imagine it couldn't take all that long, seeing as the blood loss, the almost broken neck, and the lack of a penis. Guy Fawkes, he of V for Vendetta fame, was the smartest man to ever be sentenced to this punishment. He jumped off the gallows to ensure his neck would be broken immediately and avoid the entire punishment. Anyone who commits treason against Britain is fine by me. Unless it would somehow hurt Kate Beckinsale. Then you better make it up to me with some good-ass porn.
Hopefully this satisfied your quench for a blog. I can only do so much work on this thing. I'll try and get another one up before this weekend, as the girlfriend is coming to town and there probably will be a severe lack of blogging goodness. Remember though kiddies, torture isn't funny unless you're being tickled by Gisele Bündchen. THEN it's funny. Fuck you, Tom Brady. Sampai Jumpa, everyone else!
[I was going to add pictures to go with the descriptions, but out of respect for those that were killed, and because my blog is not the script for "Saw VI", I decided not to. All are readily available on a google image search, but I advise against it.]
7. Breaking Wheel
When Used? Started in Ancient Greece and was popular all the way through the French Revolution
Description: The perp is tied to a wheel, with their arms in legs placed between two spokes. They are then spun around and hit by a club in these limbs, breaking numerous bones. In essence, they are cudgeled to death, which is a pretty painful word yet way to die. What makes this method so painful is that, it's basically like having your limbs tied down to make you into an "X" across, with your limbs still supporting your body weight. Then imagine having all these limbs broken in numerous places, yet still supporting your body weight. Or, imagine doing the reverse cowgirl with Roseanne. If you actually imagined that, I apologize for the loss of your sex drive.
How Long to Die? Occasionally, a merciful crowd would allow the executioner to give a "blow of mercy," that would cause death much sooner. Without that blow, it would take multiple hours, occasionally up to a day or two, before the victim would die of shock and dehydration.
6. Boiling
When Used? All the way from the late 12th century up until the 17th century, although it has been used sparingly after that.
Description: Well, there's not much to describe. It's like making coffee, except there's a person in there. Other liquids were used, such as oil, tar, and, if the executioner was having a shitty day, molten lead. Which presumably would make you look like Han Solo in carbonate. The victim was usually thrown in head first to speed up the process and death would eventually be by "frying." And you wonder where they got the idea for KFC? Although it was an older form of punishment, crazy motherfuckers Idi Amin (he of Forest Whitaker's "The Last King of Scotland") of Uganda and Islmov Karimov (he of Central Asia's most torturous country, Uzbekistan) have been accused of using boiling as a form of torture. Amin was also accused of cannibalism. I'll end there.
How Long to Die? Put a pot of water to a flame, wait til boil, cook for 15-30 minutes, depending on how cruel you are, and wah-la!
5. Ling Chi
When Used? Was used in China from the 10th Century until it was abolished in 1909. The Chinese plan to hold a rally for 1,000 lucky girls to celebrate the "100 Year Anniversary of Ling Chi" next year.
Description: Also known as "slow cutting," Lingchi was reserved for the worst offenders back in China. The offender was tied to a wooden frame. While tied down, pieces of flesh would be slowly cut away from his body from all different areas. To make sure the offender stayed conscious, opium was administered to dull the pain. Then, the body would be dismembered by cutting off the limbs, then death would be administered by a stab to the heart or a effective cutting off of the head. The Western world extremely exaggerated the process of Lindchi, calling it "death by a thousand cuts." In fact, there was probably less than 10 cuts. But that would be the LAST time the Western World would exaggerate anything about a different culture. Ever.
How Long to Die? Although some Westerners thought the process took hours upon end, it actually took no more than 15-20 minutes, sometimes shorter. Most of the damage took place after the perp was no longer alive, making it much more moral.
4. Necklacing
When Used? Mostly during apartheid during the 1980's and 90's in South Africa, but it has occurred ever since then, just not sanctioned by....anyone.
Description: While there may be more painful ways to die on our countdown, necklacing wins my award for creativity. Take a rubber tire, fill it with gasoline, put the tire on the person you are lynching, and set it on fire. Pain ensues. After the flame burnt through the rubber, every inch of your body would be consumed with fire. The only saving grace you have is that the pain probably wouldn't last for very long. The tire would essentially "blow up" on you. Kevin Carter, a Pulitzer Prize winning award South African photographer, captured a few of these killings on camera and won himself a Pulitzer. Carter was so overcome with depression over these killings that he eventually took his own life. So you can assume they were rather brutal.
How Long to Die? About as long as a body could take a barrage of gasoline covered flames. (note: not very long)
3. Scaphism
When Used? Used in the ancient times before "BC" turned into "AD", in modern day Persia. Or Iran, where "T&A is offensive as Drew Gooden's beard!" "The Johnny"
Description: Oh, those Iranians. They sure knew how to make people suffer! In the old country, the offender would be tied with rowboats on his back. (Imagine it like an "H" with the person being the middle line) One of the boats would surely be placed under the offender's backside. Why? Oh, I'm getting there. Then, he was fed honey and milk until they developed a severe case of diarrhea. Then, honey was spread all over the offenders body to attract insects. After that, they were put out to sea. The poop collected in the boat, attracting ever more insects. The offenders flesh would be exposed and the insects would eat or breed within the exposed flesh. The lucky ones developed gangreene. If you call that lucky, which I most certainly do not. (If you DO call that lucky, you sir are offensive) Presumably, when you finally die, you look like the guy from the third "Indiana Jones" who picked the wrong chalice. (That's 2 straight blogs with Indiana Jones references! Let's see how long I can keep that up)
How Long to Die? Well, you can imagine it would be a very long time. Since the offenders were often re-fed, many lasted for up to two weeks or longer before finally expiring like milk in my old apartment's fridge.
2. Sawing
When Used? Biblical times during the Roman Empire, but also occurred in Asia and the Middle East.
Description: Not to be confused with the never ending horror franchise, sawing was a awfully painful way to go. The condemned were hung upside down, spreadeagled. You know that region between your backside and your frontside private areas? Well, starting there, you would be sawed in half. However, if you were in Asia, you'd be standing up, which had to be preferable. What really sucks about this method (for the victim, not the people watching. In fact, this would be the best part for people watching) is that, since you are hanging upside down, there is a continuous blood supply to your brain so that you stay conscious for much longer and feel much more pain. To no surprise, Roman Emperor Caligula absolutely adored this method of torture. Then again, Caligula prostituted his sisters and tried to make his horse a priest. So this was like foreplay.
How Long to Die? The victim would obviously be experiencing an immense amount of pain during this entire process and would probably live until a few moments after important (read: necessary for life) veins were cut in the abdomen (the stomach, for you laymen and retarded people). You could say that these victims were dis-membered (think about it....wait for it...OK! let's move on)
1. Hanging, Drawing, and Quartering
When Used? Was used in England for high treason (not to be confused with sober treason) from 1251 until it was abolished in 1870.
Description: You must figure that, number one on this list, this must be fucked up. Well, you're right. This is all one punishment, not three separate ones. To start off, the offender is dragged on a wooden board to the place where this freak show was happening. Then, the offender was hanged until right before he was dead, but barely conscious. OK, that sounds fair. After that, the executioner laid him back on the wooden board and chopped off his manhood like Emeril on an carrot. Then, the merciful man cuts the man open and removes his bowels, then proceeds to set the man's penis and internal organs on fire, while the penis and organs are outside the man's body and the man is still alive. Because that wasn't enough for English people (when is it ever enough for the English?), the man's arms, legs, and head were all cut off and since that's STILL not enough, all the limbs including the head were put on public display. The most famous case may have been William Wallace, he of Mel Gibson's non-Jew hating masterpiece Braveheart.
How Long to Die? I'd imagine it couldn't take all that long, seeing as the blood loss, the almost broken neck, and the lack of a penis. Guy Fawkes, he of V for Vendetta fame, was the smartest man to ever be sentenced to this punishment. He jumped off the gallows to ensure his neck would be broken immediately and avoid the entire punishment. Anyone who commits treason against Britain is fine by me. Unless it would somehow hurt Kate Beckinsale. Then you better make it up to me with some good-ass porn.
Hopefully this satisfied your quench for a blog. I can only do so much work on this thing. I'll try and get another one up before this weekend, as the girlfriend is coming to town and there probably will be a severe lack of blogging goodness. Remember though kiddies, torture isn't funny unless you're being tickled by Gisele Bündchen. THEN it's funny. Fuck you, Tom Brady. Sampai Jumpa, everyone else!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Double the Pleasure, Minus the Fun
In lieu of the new Bond film coming out, I've decided to do a semi-tribute (even though I wrote about Bond girls a few weeks ago). Secret agents are not only a thing of film. Oh, no. They do exist in the reality we all know and love. Not all of them are very good. And since I'm clearly not going to find any information on good secret agents (as they will still be a "secret", thus the name), I'm going to tell you about some of the most interesting one that were exposed. Here they are, The Top 7 Double Agents That I Could Find. And stop getting on me about my last post being about anime. It was about comic books, you fuckers, and not all these blogs can be winners. This isn't the Coen Brothers' blog, you know.
7. Mata Hari
Who Thought What: Was working with her home country, the Netherlands, and French military intelligence, who accused her of spying for Germany.
Do Any Good? Well, since no one is so sure that Mata was really a spy, no one really knows if she really provided any intelligence to the Germans at all. Hari was a very famous Dutch exotic dancer during World War I and had many "clients" in the French military, so it's entirely possible she was a dirty, dirty spy. She may have not done that much good spying, but I'm sure she made more than enough army officers happy. I mean, she did have a sexual relationship with William, German Crown Prince who was nicknamed the "Clown Prince", but I'm sure he made up for it with that famous German wit.
Exposure: During World War I, Mata Hari told British intelligence officers she was working for the French. However, the French intercepted a series of messages from the Germans, which identified Hari as a spy for the lovely Krauts. (Who wouldn't want to spy for Germany during World War I?!) The problem was that the Germans knew the French had already broken this code but sent it anyway. This would lead a sane person to believe that the messages were contrived and made up. However, French people are neither sane nor pleasant and, thus, executed Mata Hari by firing squad.
6. Oleg Gordievsky
Who Thought What: Was a Soviet agent in the 70s spying on the Brits, who later recruited Oleg to spy for The Queen.
Do Any Good? Again, it's hard to say what actual intelligence was actually gathered for the British but Oleg was quite an agent for the Russia. He helped avert a Russian nuclear attack on Britain and identified Gorbochov as a worthy successor long before anyone else. One thing he didn't do? Change his name to something easier to spell so I didn't have to back to his wikipedia page 5 times to check if I was right. Fuck you, first person ever named Gordievsky.
Exposure: Soon, Oleg was outed to the Soviets by an American CIA double-agent fuck and ordered back to the USSR. He was arrested and questioned by eventually escaped his home with help from MI6 and was granted asylum. He's lived in Britain and is now useless, as he can't spy on anyone. However, he has written a few books about the KGB and was poisoned last year when he took Xanax a Russian gave him, while me thinks he deserved to be poisoned if he took a xanax a Russian gave him. Geez, that's like an American going to Iran to have open-heart surgery. C'mon, Oleg, your better than that.
5. Donald Duart Maclean
Who Thought What: A British diplomat who started spying for the Soviets during WWII.
Do Any Good? Well, I guess it depends on your definition of "good." If by "good" you mean "helped the Soviets develop the atomic bomb by giving them critical information about the Americans' weapons programs and allow them to figure out the exact nature of the American's nuclear arsenal." And if that is your definition of "good" than allow me to call you a communist sympathizer. Maclean also gave Stalin information that helped the Soviets blockade Berlin after the war, creating socialist East Germany, and helping to train the North Korean army during the Korean War which eventually turned North Korea into Communist North Korea. So he created two socialist states and helped progress the Cold War. AND he was gay. With other Soviet/British double agents, no less. I'm not sure on the exact criteria for going to hell, but I'm pretty sure this guys on the same level there as Dick Cheney's soul.
Exposure: Maclean was outed by an Soviet defector to America, who was later found dead via "suicide." Later on, Maclean was going to be outed to British intelligence when he and other Soviet spies concocted an escape plan into the Soviet Union. Eventually, Maclean assimilated into the USSR where he lived with his wife, who left him for one of the other spies that helped him escape, which is something like irony but I'm not quite sure what. Whatever the case may be, Maclean fucked over the Brits like a two-dollar проститутка. Spaceba bolshoi, comrades.
4. Kim Philby
Who Thought What: Was a British agent working for the KGB. Also known as "A Normal British Agent during World War II." And they wonder why they got the shit bombed out of them.
Do Any Good? Philby was already working for the Soviets when he applied for a job at MI6 during WWII. Philby had access to information on numerous British agents and smuggled info to the Soviets throughout the war. After the war, Philby's last assignment was to investigate Donald Maclean, a member of the same group of traitors and the previous mofo' on this list. However, since Philby already knew about Maclean and was kind of doing the same thing, nothing really got done since it was like a kid who was all the test answers on his hand with the teacher none the wiser. Instead he helped Maclean escape but mind-bogglingly, Philby was not discovered as a member of the same group of spies until....
Exposure: In 1962, while working for the Brits in Beirut (that's Lebanon, for you geography-challenged folk), Philby was outed when an agent overhead a woman talking to her at a party. That's kind of like your ex-girlfriend talking to someone about you while the girl your trying to sleep with overhears how small your junk is. Basically, your fucked (and not in the way you want to be). Philby was confronted by an old friend of his in Beirut and either confessed or downplayed the charges (depending on how much vodka Philby had). However, during the investigation, Philby disappeared before he resurfaced in Russia, where he sent postcards to MI6 saying "Ha Ha!". Philby started to drink like Colin Farrell at a never-ending open bar while in Moscow and stole his friends wife before he ended that affair. The Soviets sobered him up, got him a young wife, and gave him a job and a book deal. He died there and was granted a hero's funeral, which the Brits considered "crashing like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers" but decided that Russian women aren't worth the trip. Now, you can see Philby's mug on some Russian stamps, which they use on official documents to Britain.
3. Eddie Chapman
Who Thought What: In a remarkable change of pace, Chapman was recruited by the Germans during WWII, before being recruited to work for the British against Germany.
Do Any Good? Chapman actually did quite a bit of good for the Brits during the war, even going as far as to offer himself up in a suicide attack against Hitler, which was wisely declined by the British, because if they did that, the Nazi's would've been badly crippled. Anyways, Chapman gave the Nazi's false info about the V-1 and V-2's missle accuracy, allowing the bombs to land outside of London. Chapman went to Norway, which was under German control, to "help the Germans" but continued to supply them with false information throughout the war.
Exposure: Chapman wasn't exposed by the Germans until after the war, when he was living comfortably in Britain on the German's stipend. He lived in many posh areas of London, got out of many criminal offenses because of his war-time services. He also received royalties for being portrayed in a movie and owned a castle in Dublin, where he also had a "Health Farm" which was probably more like a "Herb Farm" or something. Amazingly, during the war, Chapman was married to a girl in England and a girl in Norway, both under protection by the respective host governments. However, after the war, he ditched both of them for his previous flame and married her instead. Ouch. Talk about a cool dude, he was a double agent and a two-timer (or three-timer). Sounds like my life after I met that Iranian reporter in Greece. Or....does it? Let's move on, I got dinner at the Ahmadinejad's house in an hour.
2. Katrina Leung
Who Thought What: Was working for the FBI in China earlier this decade, but was actually working for the MSS (like the Chinese FBI) in China, which makes more sense if you think about it (don't).
Do Any Good? According to the FBI, Leung contaminated 20 years of FBI intelligence on China, as well as compromising all of their counterintelligence programs in China. She gained so much respect from visiting Chinese diplomats for her "hospitality" and the FBI for her "information" (that probably shouldn't be in quotes), that she was trusted with more serious projects from both sides. She even formed a relationship (unclear if it involved nookie) with the Chinese President and a relationship (clearly it involved nookie) with an FBI agent. She even got information to the CIA about China after the Tiananmen Square thinger, when information out of the country was rarer than a Asian without black hair.
Exposure: Eventually, Leung was caught on tape giving some Chinaman an American diplomat's itinerary. The FBI officer she was sleeping with, however, convinced them to keep her on as an asset without any bias in the situation whatsoever. The FBI started investigating her, finding an FBI directory, missing pictures of FBI agents, a copied top secret document given to the MSS, and found out about her affair with the FBI dude. She was arrested for what has to be the stupidest name for a simple crime "Unauthorized Copying of National Defense Information with Intent to Injure or Benefit a Foreign Nation in violation of U.S.C. 18." How bout treason or espionage or leaking classified information? Because the FBI charged her with this weak charge, she only spent 3 months in jail and 18 months probation for a crime that you can get the death penalty for. All this while marijuana traffickers are doing 2-4 at state. Guess giving away weed is worse than possibly giving away nuclear secrets. Better hide the stash (the secrets, not weed).
1. Juan Pujol (aka "Garbo")
Who Thought What: Signed up as a German agent in order to give secrets to the British.
Do Any Good? What makes Mr. Pujol so special is that, while most hated the Germans, he hated them so much he approached the British to become involved with taking them down. They declined. What most people would do in this situation is resign to the fact that they might not be able to do anything to stop Germany. Not Juan. Oh, on the contrary. Juan signed up as a German agent, with no other intent than to fuck them over harder than that Nazi chick fucked over Indy in the third Indiana Jones film. He told Germany that he was in Britain spying, but was actually in Portugal supplying them with false shipping information he found in newspapers and films. He created (read: made up) a large network of people working for him in England and was paid by Germany for all 27 of them. Finally, the Brits recruited him while he made up excuses about why his agents weren't catching certain information. He took out newspaper ads claiming they died or were arrested. He sent genuine information but postmarked it earlier than it was sent, so that by the time it got there, it would be harmless. He even informed them about Normandy but it was too late, which put him in high standing with the Germans. Later, the Germans wondered how they didn't catch all the fake names of his agents such as "Sawyer Kraut," "Fyuck Natsis," and "Faike Aliass."
Exposure: When the Germans asked Pujol to complete a mission he couldn't lie about without being compromised, the British faked his "arrest" and sent a "fake" letter of apology to the Germans, which was actually fake. He returned to work for British intelligence a few days later. Pujol is one of less than a dozen people who received medals of honor from both Germany and Britain. When asked later about that, a German official asked "Umm, year, about that. Can we maybe have that back?" To avoid being capped by angry German people, Pujol faked his own death and moved to Venezuela, where he lived under an alias until he died in 1988. The Germans contend that, even though Pujol deceived them about the nature of the Normandy Invasion, "yeah? well, we would have lost anyway. So there!" Burn, mein deutscher freund.
Well, there you have it. Perhaps I pumped you up for the new Bond movie. Perhaps I pumped you up for a new career in espionage. Either way, you can now cease to doubt my excellent skills as an informant of important information to the web community. Just don't tell the FBI (or the KGB, for that matter). I would rather avoid the gulags. Now excuse me, ladies and gents, while I go watch that "SAVED BY ZEROOOOOOOO" Toyota commercial with a sitcom in-between. Until next time, 爱你过后，我的可爱的读者. Codename "DolanSan" over and out.
7. Mata Hari
Who Thought What: Was working with her home country, the Netherlands, and French military intelligence, who accused her of spying for Germany.
Do Any Good? Well, since no one is so sure that Mata was really a spy, no one really knows if she really provided any intelligence to the Germans at all. Hari was a very famous Dutch exotic dancer during World War I and had many "clients" in the French military, so it's entirely possible she was a dirty, dirty spy. She may have not done that much good spying, but I'm sure she made more than enough army officers happy. I mean, she did have a sexual relationship with William, German Crown Prince who was nicknamed the "Clown Prince", but I'm sure he made up for it with that famous German wit.
Exposure: During World War I, Mata Hari told British intelligence officers she was working for the French. However, the French intercepted a series of messages from the Germans, which identified Hari as a spy for the lovely Krauts. (Who wouldn't want to spy for Germany during World War I?!) The problem was that the Germans knew the French had already broken this code but sent it anyway. This would lead a sane person to believe that the messages were contrived and made up. However, French people are neither sane nor pleasant and, thus, executed Mata Hari by firing squad.
6. Oleg Gordievsky
Who Thought What: Was a Soviet agent in the 70s spying on the Brits, who later recruited Oleg to spy for The Queen.
Do Any Good? Again, it's hard to say what actual intelligence was actually gathered for the British but Oleg was quite an agent for the Russia. He helped avert a Russian nuclear attack on Britain and identified Gorbochov as a worthy successor long before anyone else. One thing he didn't do? Change his name to something easier to spell so I didn't have to back to his wikipedia page 5 times to check if I was right. Fuck you, first person ever named Gordievsky.
Exposure: Soon, Oleg was outed to the Soviets by an American CIA double-agent fuck and ordered back to the USSR. He was arrested and questioned by eventually escaped his home with help from MI6 and was granted asylum. He's lived in Britain and is now useless, as he can't spy on anyone. However, he has written a few books about the KGB and was poisoned last year when he took Xanax a Russian gave him, while me thinks he deserved to be poisoned if he took a xanax a Russian gave him. Geez, that's like an American going to Iran to have open-heart surgery. C'mon, Oleg, your better than that.
5. Donald Duart Maclean
Who Thought What: A British diplomat who started spying for the Soviets during WWII.
Do Any Good? Well, I guess it depends on your definition of "good." If by "good" you mean "helped the Soviets develop the atomic bomb by giving them critical information about the Americans' weapons programs and allow them to figure out the exact nature of the American's nuclear arsenal." And if that is your definition of "good" than allow me to call you a communist sympathizer. Maclean also gave Stalin information that helped the Soviets blockade Berlin after the war, creating socialist East Germany, and helping to train the North Korean army during the Korean War which eventually turned North Korea into Communist North Korea. So he created two socialist states and helped progress the Cold War. AND he was gay. With other Soviet/British double agents, no less. I'm not sure on the exact criteria for going to hell, but I'm pretty sure this guys on the same level there as Dick Cheney's soul.
Exposure: Maclean was outed by an Soviet defector to America, who was later found dead via "suicide." Later on, Maclean was going to be outed to British intelligence when he and other Soviet spies concocted an escape plan into the Soviet Union. Eventually, Maclean assimilated into the USSR where he lived with his wife, who left him for one of the other spies that helped him escape, which is something like irony but I'm not quite sure what. Whatever the case may be, Maclean fucked over the Brits like a two-dollar проститутка. Spaceba bolshoi, comrades.
4. Kim Philby
Who Thought What: Was a British agent working for the KGB. Also known as "A Normal British Agent during World War II." And they wonder why they got the shit bombed out of them.
Do Any Good? Philby was already working for the Soviets when he applied for a job at MI6 during WWII. Philby had access to information on numerous British agents and smuggled info to the Soviets throughout the war. After the war, Philby's last assignment was to investigate Donald Maclean, a member of the same group of traitors and the previous mofo' on this list. However, since Philby already knew about Maclean and was kind of doing the same thing, nothing really got done since it was like a kid who was all the test answers on his hand with the teacher none the wiser. Instead he helped Maclean escape but mind-bogglingly, Philby was not discovered as a member of the same group of spies until....
Exposure: In 1962, while working for the Brits in Beirut (that's Lebanon, for you geography-challenged folk), Philby was outed when an agent overhead a woman talking to her at a party. That's kind of like your ex-girlfriend talking to someone about you while the girl your trying to sleep with overhears how small your junk is. Basically, your fucked (and not in the way you want to be). Philby was confronted by an old friend of his in Beirut and either confessed or downplayed the charges (depending on how much vodka Philby had). However, during the investigation, Philby disappeared before he resurfaced in Russia, where he sent postcards to MI6 saying "Ha Ha!". Philby started to drink like Colin Farrell at a never-ending open bar while in Moscow and stole his friends wife before he ended that affair. The Soviets sobered him up, got him a young wife, and gave him a job and a book deal. He died there and was granted a hero's funeral, which the Brits considered "crashing like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers" but decided that Russian women aren't worth the trip. Now, you can see Philby's mug on some Russian stamps, which they use on official documents to Britain.
3. Eddie Chapman
Who Thought What: In a remarkable change of pace, Chapman was recruited by the Germans during WWII, before being recruited to work for the British against Germany.
Do Any Good? Chapman actually did quite a bit of good for the Brits during the war, even going as far as to offer himself up in a suicide attack against Hitler, which was wisely declined by the British, because if they did that, the Nazi's would've been badly crippled. Anyways, Chapman gave the Nazi's false info about the V-1 and V-2's missle accuracy, allowing the bombs to land outside of London. Chapman went to Norway, which was under German control, to "help the Germans" but continued to supply them with false information throughout the war.
Exposure: Chapman wasn't exposed by the Germans until after the war, when he was living comfortably in Britain on the German's stipend. He lived in many posh areas of London, got out of many criminal offenses because of his war-time services. He also received royalties for being portrayed in a movie and owned a castle in Dublin, where he also had a "Health Farm" which was probably more like a "Herb Farm" or something. Amazingly, during the war, Chapman was married to a girl in England and a girl in Norway, both under protection by the respective host governments. However, after the war, he ditched both of them for his previous flame and married her instead. Ouch. Talk about a cool dude, he was a double agent and a two-timer (or three-timer). Sounds like my life after I met that Iranian reporter in Greece. Or....does it? Let's move on, I got dinner at the Ahmadinejad's house in an hour.
2. Katrina Leung
Who Thought What: Was working for the FBI in China earlier this decade, but was actually working for the MSS (like the Chinese FBI) in China, which makes more sense if you think about it (don't).
Do Any Good? According to the FBI, Leung contaminated 20 years of FBI intelligence on China, as well as compromising all of their counterintelligence programs in China. She gained so much respect from visiting Chinese diplomats for her "hospitality" and the FBI for her "information" (that probably shouldn't be in quotes), that she was trusted with more serious projects from both sides. She even formed a relationship (unclear if it involved nookie) with the Chinese President and a relationship (clearly it involved nookie) with an FBI agent. She even got information to the CIA about China after the Tiananmen Square thinger, when information out of the country was rarer than a Asian without black hair.
Exposure: Eventually, Leung was caught on tape giving some Chinaman an American diplomat's itinerary. The FBI officer she was sleeping with, however, convinced them to keep her on as an asset without any bias in the situation whatsoever. The FBI started investigating her, finding an FBI directory, missing pictures of FBI agents, a copied top secret document given to the MSS, and found out about her affair with the FBI dude. She was arrested for what has to be the stupidest name for a simple crime "Unauthorized Copying of National Defense Information with Intent to Injure or Benefit a Foreign Nation in violation of U.S.C. 18." How bout treason or espionage or leaking classified information? Because the FBI charged her with this weak charge, she only spent 3 months in jail and 18 months probation for a crime that you can get the death penalty for. All this while marijuana traffickers are doing 2-4 at state. Guess giving away weed is worse than possibly giving away nuclear secrets. Better hide the stash (the secrets, not weed).
1. Juan Pujol (aka "Garbo")
Who Thought What: Signed up as a German agent in order to give secrets to the British.
Do Any Good? What makes Mr. Pujol so special is that, while most hated the Germans, he hated them so much he approached the British to become involved with taking them down. They declined. What most people would do in this situation is resign to the fact that they might not be able to do anything to stop Germany. Not Juan. Oh, on the contrary. Juan signed up as a German agent, with no other intent than to fuck them over harder than that Nazi chick fucked over Indy in the third Indiana Jones film. He told Germany that he was in Britain spying, but was actually in Portugal supplying them with false shipping information he found in newspapers and films. He created (read: made up) a large network of people working for him in England and was paid by Germany for all 27 of them. Finally, the Brits recruited him while he made up excuses about why his agents weren't catching certain information. He took out newspaper ads claiming they died or were arrested. He sent genuine information but postmarked it earlier than it was sent, so that by the time it got there, it would be harmless. He even informed them about Normandy but it was too late, which put him in high standing with the Germans. Later, the Germans wondered how they didn't catch all the fake names of his agents such as "Sawyer Kraut," "Fyuck Natsis," and "Faike Aliass."
Exposure: When the Germans asked Pujol to complete a mission he couldn't lie about without being compromised, the British faked his "arrest" and sent a "fake" letter of apology to the Germans, which was actually fake. He returned to work for British intelligence a few days later. Pujol is one of less than a dozen people who received medals of honor from both Germany and Britain. When asked later about that, a German official asked "Umm, year, about that. Can we maybe have that back?" To avoid being capped by angry German people, Pujol faked his own death and moved to Venezuela, where he lived under an alias until he died in 1988. The Germans contend that, even though Pujol deceived them about the nature of the Normandy Invasion, "yeah? well, we would have lost anyway. So there!" Burn, mein deutscher freund.
Well, there you have it. Perhaps I pumped you up for the new Bond movie. Perhaps I pumped you up for a new career in espionage. Either way, you can now cease to doubt my excellent skills as an informant of important information to the web community. Just don't tell the FBI (or the KGB, for that matter). I would rather avoid the gulags. Now excuse me, ladies and gents, while I go watch that "SAVED BY ZEROOOOOOOO" Toyota commercial with a sitcom in-between. Until next time, 爱你过后，我的可爱的读者. Codename "DolanSan" over and out.
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