Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The "Mel Gibson" Defense

Hey boys and girls, I'm back again and more focused than a fat kid staring at the Dairy Queen menu. But enough about fat people, I'm here to talk (or write, if you want to be like that) about alcoholics and addicts that you may not know...were....that. Shut up, I'm not an English major. So I'll list ya a few names that you may not know were sucking down my Grandma's martini's or sniffing a pixie stick-like powder. So light one up, pour one down, and read on. Or just read on.....


Do one shot if you didn't know.....
Pop diva "Fergie" was addicted to crystal meth and is/was sort of a whore
That's right, Fergie. As in THE Fergie. She says that it was, and I quote, "the hardest boyfriend I ever broke up with." Oh but that's not the best thing. She blames her addiction on the pressures of being a child actor. She also urinated on stage during a performence. Oh but that's not all. America's princess also went on a self-proclaimed sex and drugs spree when she was 18, has admitted to acts of lesbianism, and sings annoying songs that everyone, for some reason, absolutely loves.

Do a line if you didn't know.....
Drew Barrymore was the most fucted up kid of all time
Yea she was in rehab...twice....before she was 15. Now according to the wonderfully useful site wikipedia, the lovely Drew was smoking/drinking as young as 9, marijuana by 10, and cocaine by 13!!!?@?!?! She was out partying at nightclubs during this time, having sex with older men. She went to rehab when she was 13 years old. That didn't work. Went again at age 14. Then, she got married and divorced twice.....before she was 20. Posed nude for Playboy and appeared in 5 movies naked, also very young. Makes you kinda wonder if "E.T." was just one of Drew's bad trips.

Finish your beer if you didn't know......
hard-asses Samuel L. Jackson, Kiefer Sutherland (Jack Bauer on 24), and Jean-Claude Van Damme have all attended rehab
Although Sutherland was only an alcoholic, Jackson and Van Damme have both done their share of drugs. Van Damme was hooked on more coke than Lindsay Lohan, which explains alot actually, since he's pretty amped up in all his movies and stuff. Jackson's coke addiction, in which he overdosed, put him in rehab but also may have jump started his career by playing the role of a coke addict in an indie film. While Jackson and Van Damme recovered from their various addictions, Sutherland still openly admits to drinking...alot. So you wonder how these guys are able to yell, kickbox, and kill people constantly, it's probably because they are either drunk, high on coke, or just f'n crazy.

And do a "speedball" if you didn't know....
Colin Farrell was addicted to pain killers and a slew of other drugs
Although it's not surprising that Farrell was addicted to something, as he is a 2pack a day smoker, pain killers is an odd choice for the whiskey swilling Irishman. It seems that more and more people are becoming addicted to perscription drugs nowadays. Farrell's addiction to getting high, drunk, or sexually aroused all point to an early death for the man if he doesn't slow down. Honestly, how is it even possible to smoke 2 packs a day? Oh well, it's his life.

Sorry that this is so short but I'm experiencing a major case of apathy and writer's block at the same time. I'll try to better next. Until then, good night and good luck.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

The Sun Never Sets.... (How the British Empire is to Blame for most of the Modern World's Problems)

The british have for a long time given off the impression that they are all proper and gentelmenly. Well, today I'll tell you why that is a load of crap to cover up the true nature of the British people. Daft power-hungry wankers.

Exhibit A: Scramble for Africa
The British, although not soley to blame for this, took over Egypt, South Africa, Rhodesia, and a few other smaller countries in Africa. Thinking that they are so above these primitive people, they settle there as if it was never their land, especially in South Africa. They rape the other lands of natural resources and take them for themselves and leave without establishing any sort of effective government. In South Africa, they caused severe racial divide and tension that would eventually lead to the travesty known as Apartheid, which wasn't solved for almost a hundred years after the English arrived. I don't need to tell you how screwed up Africa is today in the modern world so the verdict is.....
Africa's problems are PARTLY England's fault.

Exhibit B: The Carribean
The British took over islands such as Barbados, Jamaica, and St. Kitts. They used these islands for sugarcane and slavery, taking control over the national peoples. After the de-colonization of these islands, the English left the nationals to fend for themselves and most of these islands remain in a terrible state of poverty, relying only on what they know how to do, producing sugar and appeasing the visitors that come to their country.
Carribean's problems are COMPLETELY England's fault

Exhibit C: India, Southeast Asia
After forming an alliance with India, Britain decided it would be easier to just take control of it and take all their wealth. This led to a mighty strong economicaly and militarily strong British East India Company. Many wars were fought between different tribes and groups in India against the British. Eventually these wars, which also included Malaysia, Singapore, and Hong Kong, got the best of the Company but the damage was done in the region. Britain took alot of the wealth the country had and created political turmoil after they left between the people fighting. And now look at the countries I just mentioned. Minus Hong Kong, all are underdeveloped and overpopulated. Imagine how much more wealthy and powerful these countries, especially India, could have been without the British conquering.
India/SE Asia's problems are PRETTY MUCH England's fault

Exhibit D: Middle East
The British were in control of the Iraqi region after WWI and things escalated quickly. Insurgents and other unhappy groups immediately started trying to stage a coup. The 12 years saw numerous coup attemps, as well as revolutions, revolts, and insurgenicies. British rule desperately tried to get Iraq into the League of Nations so they would be recognized as a country rather than a protectorate. And I think we all know what happened in Iraq after they left.
The Brits also played a small role in given the Jews their homeland that is known as Israel today and causes just a tad bit of tension in the region.
Middle East's problems are a LITTLE of England's fault

Exhibit E: Australia/New Zealand/Ireland
Dumping off all of their convicts into this land just makes England look like douchebags. Although it didn't create modern problems in Australia and New Zealand, it gave outsiders a terrible view of what these countries were. Just take the land there and drop off a bunch of criminals, that's real good. No large problems were created from this except to paint the English as a bunch of assholes.
Ireland and England have been in turmoil against each other forever. England is in control of Northern Ireland for some reason and they won't give it back. They didnt help during the famine, they've foughten numerous wars against each other, as well as used acts of terrorism as acts against each other. And you know what?
IT"S ALL ENGLAND"S FAULT!!!!!


I hope I painted a bright enough picture of how much the English have screwed up the world. Alot of people don't realize it because England is so glorified in our modern world, but they really are just power hungry wankers. Remember that, and enjoy the rest of your summer.
CIAO!

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Assesing the Commie's (Or What's Left Of 'Em)

Castro. Stalin. Mao. Ivan Drago. Communists, they suck. But let's get down to brass tacks here. I want to give you my personal assesment of all the communist bastards that still exist in our world. I don't think I'll count Russia, technically it's not communist. Technically, I've never been arrested for anything. But yeah, we all know about those technicalities. Anyways, what's left of communism are 4 Asian countries and one in the Caribbean. I"ll break them down for you and their chances in the modern world, then analyze the prospects in communisms future. By the way, I hate communists. Every single one.

Country #1: People's Rebulic of China. Leader: Hu Jintao
Communist since 1949, perhaps the most successful communist country. China, over the years, has had major human and civil rghts issues but their economic grouth is the world's biggest concern. Do we really want the wealthiest nation to be a communist one? As China rapidily grows throughout the international trade market, it's only a matter of time before Americans will be opening American restaurants in Beijing. China, however, does not fit the model of the communist state. Their open free-trade has distorted what China actually is. Because they certainly don't only rely on the state and it's people don't rely on the state for jobs, money, etc. In fact, China may soon be the biggest capitilist society in the world.
Communism's Future in China: Officially, the "communism" label may still be there for a while. I'd say they officially abandon that label when the older Chinese generation starts to die off. Between about 10-15 years should do it.

Country #2: Cuba Leader: Castro Brothers
Communist since 1961, Cuba has followed the true hold of communism but it hasn't helped the people of the nation. Besides trying to play baseball to get out of the country, there are few jobs that are lucrative at all. Most citizens are in a state of mass poverty, they have no free speech or any other basic freedoms. Cuba is a mess and has been for a while. It will not be until the Castro's die that we can really do something about the problems that Cuba is facing. Otherwise, Cuba's gonna continue relying on countries like Venezuela (ugh Hugo Chavez) to semi-support them, even though their people are fed propaganda, especially about the United States.
Communism's Future in Cuba: Give it to both the Castro brothers die and about 5 years after that. I'd say between 8-10 years. But who knows.....

Country #3: Socialist Republic Of Vietnam. Leader: Nguyễn Minh Triết
Well, like China, Vietnam has a surprisingly fast growing economy, one of the fastest in the world. However, Vietnam does not give much economic freedom or any freedom for that matter. Like every communist bastard country, Vietnam is single-party politics, TV, newspaper, private enterprise, and education is uber-expensive. It's hard to get any good information about the inner workings of the country though, since it's communist and oppresses everything coming in and out. But the country looks like it could be a economic surprise in the future, unless the French get us involved in another war over there. Ughhhhh the French are almost as bad as communist, but not really.
Communism's Future in Vietnam: I'd say a long, long time. Especially if their economy continues to get better. I'll say 40 years, just because communism can't last a long time anywhere without a REVOLUTION.

Country #4: Laos Leader: Lt. Gen. CHOUMMALI Saignason
Another failed French colony turned communist. Thanks again France. Since Laos borders on Vietnam, they have strong relations with each other and obviously influence each other. Basically, Laos sucks. It barely has any roads, enterprise, freedom of any kind, or electricity. The main business is agriculture. See, Laos is Vietnam without the rising economy. It's one of the world's least developed countries. It's also a major drug trafficking center in the "Golden Triangle" that produces a ton of opium (China, Myanmar, Laos). The government has little money to pay the military that controls the country. This place has got some problems.
Communism's Future in Laos: 5 years max.

Country #5: North Korea Leader: Kim Jong-Il
Ummm....yuck. Besides spending all their money on the military, which will never use it anyway on anything usefull except getting destroyed by the U.S., North Korea is extremely underdeveloped. People have absolutely NO IDEA what is going on outside of their country. And I quote from Wikipedia: North Korean defectors have testified to the existence of prison and detention camps with an estimated 150,000 to 200,000 inmates, and have reported torture, starvation, rape, murder, medical experimentation, forced labor, and forced abortions. So yeah, that too. Their leader is completely INSANE. With only 23 million people, North Korea has the 4th largest military in the world. They barely have what you could call a culture because absolutely everything in the country is based around Kim Jong-Il and his dad. It almost makes you feel bad for the people living in it.
Communism's Future in North Korea: Once North Korea and South Korea reunify, which will happen, it's just a matter of when. I'd say when Kim Jong-Il dies and the U.S. pulls out of South Korea, which may happen at the same time.

Screw the commies, I'm done. Peace out.

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