When I first started writing this blog, I never thought I'd still be punching in the keyboard to entertain folk two years later. But here I am. And I thought, since there is no better or more celebrated anniversary than December 25th, that I'd celebrate by writing about Christmas. I struggled for many unemployed hours to come up with a topic for this blog that coincides with the ever-joyous holiday, but every time I came up like a midget at an amusement park: just short. Why come up with a topic by myself when others have already done my work for me. So instead of inventing 6 holidays and writing a list about it, I'm going to list off the 6 Best Fictional Christmas-Themed Holidays.
6. Yak Shaving Day
Date: Sometime towards the end of the year.
Celebrated By: All members of the LSD-incduced Ren & Stimpy universe.
Origins: Yak Shaving Day traces its origins back to 1992, when it was first mentioned in the show. Its basically Christmas, but instead of stockings, they hang poopy diapers and instead of Santa leaving presents, a yak leaves gunk in the sink. Sounds festive. I never really got into this show, though. Maybe it's because I was under 10 and didn't take acid for at least 5 more years. Or maybe its because I was under 10 and didn't get it.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Poop.
5. Agnostica
Date: December 14th
Celebrated By: Pretty self-explanatory. Agnostics celebrate Agnostica. (Not to be confused with Kwanzans celebrating Kwanza)
Origins: Agnostica is an invention of the online comic "Nukees," dealing with nuclear engineering students. It takes place on December 14th because that's when physicist Max Plank (in 1900) presented a theory of quanta, beginning Quantum Physics (asshole). Agnostica is, rightfully, a confusing holiday for the confused. It's like Halloween, except you go to a party dressed up as your favorite scientist. At this party there is a "Random Bag of Fun," "Mystery Punch," "Mulled Wine," and a Schrodinger Box (big box that cannot be opened). Something tells me Newton and Einstein would get a boner from a party like this.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: There just aren't enough agnostics. Most people that you could probably call agnostic don't really want to celebrate that fact (that's pretty much why they chose to be agnostic in the first place). Besides, most people aren't scientists and most think this party would be "the nerdiest thing I've ever heard." I may be intrigued by the "mulled wine" though. I'll have to think it over.
4. Winterval
Date: All festivals at the end of the year.
Celebrated By: Everyone! It's one of those new-age "fusion" holidays all the kids are talking about.
Origins: Mike Chub, head of the Birmingham (that's England, ladies) City Council, came up with the idea to combine all the events toward the end of the year into one word as to not offend absolutely anyone celebrating a holiday during winter. Some described it as "political correctness gone mad." Me? I'd say why not just combine all the celebrations into one? Have a Winterval Festival with elements of Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Ramadan, and Diwali (that's Hindu. Like the red dots or the "curry smell"). Although, I'm not sure I'd want the Jews and Muslims anywhere near each other. That'd be like throwing Israel into Iran. (Battle Royale!)
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, most people thought the idea was stupid to begin with (kind of like remaking "The Sandlot" with Keanu Reeves and a bunch of black kids, i.e. "Hardball"). It has caught on with top flight soccer club Fulham in England, as they use it in their Christmas season advertising for the club. Although you would think some cross-faith couples might try "Winterval," since combining those holidays might make Kwanza, Diwali, Ramadan, and Hannukah actually interesting. (Curry flavored Fried Chicken with Maza ball Soup!)
3. Chrismahanukwanzakah
Date: December 13th
Celebrated By: Virgin Mobile (well, they can't be Miley Cyrus' carrier then!) subscribers and kids that have a black parent, a white parent, and a Israeli stepparent. (More likely: Israeli dad has his white Christian wife cheat on him with black man (or woman!) and leave him for the for-life nightclub bouncer).
Origin: This holiday was invented by Virgin Mobile to sell cell phones and, to a lesser extent, satire the political correctness of people like the Birmingham City Council guy we just discussed. How bad is it when a cell phone company is satirizing political correctness? The song was kind of catchy, almost like a Kosuke Fukudome pop up but a little farther than second base. Plus, the commercial had an Indian guy dressed as Santa, a girl covered only by a phone, and a tiny gay elf. If you think that sounds racist, then there's a possibility that it is. Or height-ist, I'm not sure what they call that (sizeist? smallist? asian?).
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, people would rather have a set cell phone plan than all that "pay-as-you-go" stuff, mainly so they don't have to change their cell plan every two weeks. Also, I think people are scared of Kwanza (read: black people). I know I am, who even knows what Kwanza means! (re: Kwanzaa means "first" in Swahili. That's African.)
2. Chrismukkah
Date: Hanukkah all the way through Christmas. It's unknown for sure though, Seth never said in The O.C. when it was exactly and I always thought.....(Mike slowly backs away, trying to pretend he didn't just say that, but realizes he's only backing away from the keyboard, not the people he just said that to. He also realizes he could delete all of this but then gets distracted and keeps writing)
Celebrated By: Families that have a Jewish parent and a Gentile parent that celebrates Christmas.
Origins: Well, although Seth Cohen of The O.C. claims to have invented it, it may have been middle-class Jews in 19th Century Germany (certainly not 20th Century Jews in Germany) that started to celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday rather than a religious one. Greedy bastards. Basically, the family celebrates most, but not all 12 days, of Hanukkah with presents, as usual, and watches Christmas movies on Christmas with Chinese food, with both a menorah and Christmas tree both up. We'll give Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) credit for the idea, but only because he dated Rachel Bilson, who did this for Chrismukkah:
HOLY. SHIT.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, to a certain degree, it HAS caught on. After seeing it on The O.C. \, a Jewish-American couple from Montana (yeah, people do live there) started Chrismukkah and wrote two books for recipes and how to celebrate the holiday. I'm not sure how many people actually celebrate it, but Chrismukkah, unlike the other holidays on this list, actually has mitzvah of a chance of catching on. But, you know, it could just...um...could I see that video again?
1. Festivus
Date: December 23rd
Celebrated By: The Costanzas and Seinfeld fanatics. I'd like the airing of grievences part. Imagine yelling at your Grandma "You drink enough booze to fill a lake!" Ahem. Not me talking, just an example.
Origins: Writer Dan O'Keefe started this holiday in 1966 and his son brought it to the attention of the world on Seinfeld. Common practices included putting up an alluminum pole (to oppose X-Mas trees and because "tinsel is distracting") with the modern (yeah, people actually celebrate it) holiday including heavy drinking with a big meal. The "Airing of Grievances" allows the members of the family to share their problems they have with the others. For example: "You're a damn dirty slut and you should stop sleeping around! NO! I will not shut up mom!" The next part, "The Feats of Strength," consists of a guest wrestling the host until the host is pinned. Other than that, it's a completely normal holiday, full of joy and miracles:
Why It Hasn't Caught On: It has. Festivus poles are made. There was a Festivus Ice Cream flavor from "Ben & Jerry's." There's a Festivus wine. Instead of referring to the playoffs as such, the Baltimore Ravens refer to the playoffs as "Festivus." The Wisconsin Governor put a Festivus pole up in his house. There's a "Festivus" film festival, and towns in Wisconsin and South Carolina have Festivus celebrations. There's nothing funny about this holiday anymore. Well, I take that back. This holiday is more out there than The X-Files.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this holiday edition of the blog! I hope you don't feel the actual need to celebrate any of these strange holidays but if you do, more power to you I guess. I'll no doubt get one more blog in before I go to London on the 25th but my next one will probably be the last one of 2008. It's been quite a year on the blog and I can only thank all the regulars who read and all those that are just catch the occasional flavor. Well, from me here at the blog, I wish you and yours a buon natale e l'anno nuovo felice!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The Dolan Mailbag
Everyone gets mail. Day after day, whether you want it or not, mail adressed to you gets delivered right to your door. Unless you're a terrorist. Just like Bill Shatner on the set of "Star Trek", I own this place. This place is this blog. And although my loyal readers don't expand much beyond the few and the proud (although, you could tell others to read if you wanted. it wouldn't kill you, you know), I still get my fair share of questions in response to my controversial speculations and truths. Therefore, I will answer them on my blog. No doubt, the questions will be controversial and obscene (just the way I like them). This is the first Dolan's Answers to the Reader's Questions (Holiday Edition). Sit back and make like Scarlet Johansson in my bedroom and enjoy the ride. (Of course, if my girlfriend is reading this, that was a joke. *winkwink* Damn. That doesn't work as well when you write it.)
Q: Hey, how do you come up with the ideas for this blog?
--Danny, Wheeling, Illinois.
A: Well, Danny, I use a simple process: first, I sniff glue. Then I pour half of a handle of vodka into a (very) large glass, splash a little coke in there, then wash it down with a cigarette and a joint. After that, I go on google, smash my fingers against the keyboard and wah-laa...a topic is born.
Note: recommended only for people with no job, no plans for 48 hours, and a match.com account.
Q: What if you were to hold a fantasy baseball draft with 12 people, get half of them stoned out of their minds and the other half completely drunk off their ass. Which side would have the advantage?
--Ricky W., Miami, Florida.
A: A well thought out question if I do say so indeed. On one hand, the drunks could easily distract the stoners (ex: food, music, the wallpaper design). On the other hand, the stoners could easily distract the drunks by egging them on that they should call a girl they have a "chance" with and their incessant observations about things that stoners make incessant observations about. I don't know if theres an advantage either way, but I think it would be a lot worse than it sounds. There would be about 30 "Didn't Pick in Times", 20 players taken early that shouldn't be drafted ever, and 6-10 retired players taken.
Example of a drunk team: C-Ramon Hernandez, 1B-Mark Bradley, 2B-Dan Uggla, SS-(None), 3B-Mike Lowell, Aramis Ramirez, and "That Guy from the MLB Playoffs Commercials", OF-Alfonso Soriano, Jacque Jones, and Barry Bonds
Example of a stoned team: C-Geo Soto, 1B-Dmitri Young, 2B-Ian Kinsler, SS-Alex Rodriguez (ineligble @ SS), 3B-Joe Crede, OF-Reggie Abercrombie, Ryan Langerhands, and David Jesus
Q: What is your favorite holiday? Also, do you have any ideas for holiday drinks? What are the perfect drinks for each holiday?
-- Robin, Nottingham, UK.
A: My favorite holiday is St. Patrick's day because I'm Irish, a borderline alcy, and I'm scared of large bunnies, fireworks, ghosts, and fat men in red suits. As for holiday drinks, I have perfected them all. For X-Mas, you have Nog-A-Sake (3 parts Eggnog, 2 parts Sake). For Halloween, you have "The Skeleton" (1 pt. Jager, 1pt. Peppermint Schnapps, and 1 pt. Kahlua). For Easter, you have "Break an Egg" (2 pts. Vanilla Vodka, 1 pt Everclear in Hot Chocolate). For Valentine's Day, you've got "The Heartbreaker" (1 pt Bacardi, 1 pt Strawberry Vodka, 4 pts Cranberry Juice, 1 pt Bacardi 151 (add if you're single))
Q: Can the Bears actually run the table and make the playoffs, or were they just teasing everyone with that win over the Jaguars?
--Lovie, Chicago, IL
A: Theoretically, they can. Theoretically, I could blackout tonight and end up on Oprah's back porch in the morning. If the Bears can beat the Saints on Thursday, I'll become a believer that they can run the table. But until then, trusting the Bears is like having a snowball fight in the winter after it just rained: you just might get hit with a big chunk of ice right in the head. Or the balls.
Q: If you could pick any the nationality of any two foreigners in the world to have a threesome with, what would they be and why?
--Bill C., Washington D.C.
A: This is one of the subjective questions where, depending on who you ask, there will be a thousand different answers. If I HAD to choose two, I would choose Brazilian and Armenian (example: Kim Kardashian is Armenian but not the overwhelming factor in my decision). I took a long time pondering the 2nd choice but Armenian eventually came out on top after I thought of something exotic, gleaming, and horny-making (sorry, I spilled coffee on my Thesaurus after "gleaming"). I mean, think about it....or don't, it's my fantasy, not yours. Sorry if I've got a thing for the semi-tanned look that both Middle Easterners and South Americans have. It ain't my fault. Now, about that flight to Yerevan....
Q: What would be a good metaphor for Clay Aiken coming out of the closet in September?
--Paula, Hollywood, California.
A: It's like an Illinois politician, who after a few years seems alright (the baby and straight marriage), but then rumors come out have to do with corruption (just looking at him). You don't want to believe but know they are probably true. You look at them and say "that's the face of a guilty man." Then, they plead guilty or are arrested. (coming out of the closet) (Note: this paragraph sponsored by the Rod Blagojevich Bail Fund)
Q: What is absolutely the worst reality show ever made?
--Flavor F., Compton, California.
A: There has been no show in television history more offensive than "My Super Sweet 16." The only reason anyone watches it is to call the girls bitches, the parents pushovers, and to see how much money they'll actually spend. When (not if) I go to hell, this show will be on repeat at the sports bar that only serves O'Douls and Goldschlagger. Stephen A Smith will be my bartender with the part in "Soulja Boy" that goes "Youuuuuu!" repeats 8,000,239 times in a row.
Q: What was the most disappointing moment, to you, of the train wreck that was "Entourage: Season 5"?
--Mark W., New York, New York.
A: Well, pretty much everything but I'll try and pick one thing that bugged me the most. Through Drama never working, Vince not able to find one role (Ben Affleck found work after "Gigli"!!!), but the moment that bugged me the most was Ari turning down a studio head job, just so he could stay Vince's agent. Talk about the most unrealistic thing in the history of life. Just because Vince wouldn't be able to do that ONE movie, doesn't mean Ari couldn't put Vince in just about anything for the rest of his career, plus make a shitload more money for himself. All in all, the show has gone down in quality faster than "SNL: Post-Ferell".
Q: If new Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro was a fictional character, who would he be?
--Kirk, ??????
A: This was a tough one. I didn't want it to be from a sports movie because that would be too easy. So I thought about the personality of the kid from "Bad Santa" mixed with the look of Chachi from "Happy Days." And I was right.
Q: Was there a better moment in sports this year than Michael Phelps' run at the Beijing Olympics?
--Tim T., Gainseville, FL
A: Well, with this year winding down, the sports fan has had alot to be thankful for this year. The Nadal/Federer match at Wimbeldon was one of the best tennis matches of all-time, Tiger's one-leg win at the US Open, in one of the greatest performances on a golf course ever, a buzzer beating three to force OT in the NCAA Title Game, and Usain Bolt capturing the world with his legs all were amazing accomplishments. In fact, 2008 was probably the best year in sports this decade, if not my lifetime. I think I can point out something everyone will remember from every month this year.
January: Michael Beasley showcasing his talents to the world with Kansas St. beating undefeated Kansas
February: David Tyree's amazing helmet catch to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl
March: Davidson's (and Stephen Curry's) spectacular run through the NCAA Tournament
April: The Kansas/Memphis title game
May: Big Brown capturing the attention of a nation, before and after his races.
June: Tiger Woods stunning win at the U.S. Open on one leg, beating old-but-new Rocco Mediate in a playoff
July: Nadal/Federer at the Wimbeldon Final in an epic 5 set match, winning the last set 9-7
August: Michael Phelps' record metal count in a few intense heats, and Usain Bolt becoming the fastest of all time
September: The Carlos Zambrano No-Hitter
October: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays run through the playoffs
November: Michael Crabtree's game-winning catch on fouth down to beat #1 Texas with 1 second left
December: "Jake Peavy to the Cubs" rumors continue to escalate, incinerate, rinse, repeat, and drive me absolutely insane
That's all for the mailbag.
Hope you all enjoyed a change of pace. With the holidays fast approaching, I'm trying to get as many blogs in as I possibly can. If you have any actual questions in case you liked this, didn't like it, or just want to bash me in general, my e-mail is mdolan2@gmail.com. But until next time, my faithful readers, adios and feliz navidad!
Q: Hey, how do you come up with the ideas for this blog?
--Danny, Wheeling, Illinois.
A: Well, Danny, I use a simple process: first, I sniff glue. Then I pour half of a handle of vodka into a (very) large glass, splash a little coke in there, then wash it down with a cigarette and a joint. After that, I go on google, smash my fingers against the keyboard and wah-laa...a topic is born.
Note: recommended only for people with no job, no plans for 48 hours, and a match.com account.
Q: What if you were to hold a fantasy baseball draft with 12 people, get half of them stoned out of their minds and the other half completely drunk off their ass. Which side would have the advantage?
--Ricky W., Miami, Florida.
A: A well thought out question if I do say so indeed. On one hand, the drunks could easily distract the stoners (ex: food, music, the wallpaper design). On the other hand, the stoners could easily distract the drunks by egging them on that they should call a girl they have a "chance" with and their incessant observations about things that stoners make incessant observations about. I don't know if theres an advantage either way, but I think it would be a lot worse than it sounds. There would be about 30 "Didn't Pick in Times", 20 players taken early that shouldn't be drafted ever, and 6-10 retired players taken.
Example of a drunk team: C-Ramon Hernandez, 1B-Mark Bradley, 2B-Dan Uggla, SS-(None), 3B-Mike Lowell, Aramis Ramirez, and "That Guy from the MLB Playoffs Commercials", OF-Alfonso Soriano, Jacque Jones, and Barry Bonds
Example of a stoned team: C-Geo Soto, 1B-Dmitri Young, 2B-Ian Kinsler, SS-Alex Rodriguez (ineligble @ SS), 3B-Joe Crede, OF-Reggie Abercrombie, Ryan Langerhands, and David Jesus
Q: What is your favorite holiday? Also, do you have any ideas for holiday drinks? What are the perfect drinks for each holiday?
-- Robin, Nottingham, UK.
A: My favorite holiday is St. Patrick's day because I'm Irish, a borderline alcy, and I'm scared of large bunnies, fireworks, ghosts, and fat men in red suits. As for holiday drinks, I have perfected them all. For X-Mas, you have Nog-A-Sake (3 parts Eggnog, 2 parts Sake). For Halloween, you have "The Skeleton" (1 pt. Jager, 1pt. Peppermint Schnapps, and 1 pt. Kahlua). For Easter, you have "Break an Egg" (2 pts. Vanilla Vodka, 1 pt Everclear in Hot Chocolate). For Valentine's Day, you've got "The Heartbreaker" (1 pt Bacardi, 1 pt Strawberry Vodka, 4 pts Cranberry Juice, 1 pt Bacardi 151 (add if you're single))
Q: Can the Bears actually run the table and make the playoffs, or were they just teasing everyone with that win over the Jaguars?
--Lovie, Chicago, IL
A: Theoretically, they can. Theoretically, I could blackout tonight and end up on Oprah's back porch in the morning. If the Bears can beat the Saints on Thursday, I'll become a believer that they can run the table. But until then, trusting the Bears is like having a snowball fight in the winter after it just rained: you just might get hit with a big chunk of ice right in the head. Or the balls.
Q: If you could pick any the nationality of any two foreigners in the world to have a threesome with, what would they be and why?
--Bill C., Washington D.C.
A: This is one of the subjective questions where, depending on who you ask, there will be a thousand different answers. If I HAD to choose two, I would choose Brazilian and Armenian (example: Kim Kardashian is Armenian but not the overwhelming factor in my decision). I took a long time pondering the 2nd choice but Armenian eventually came out on top after I thought of something exotic, gleaming, and horny-making (sorry, I spilled coffee on my Thesaurus after "gleaming"). I mean, think about it....or don't, it's my fantasy, not yours. Sorry if I've got a thing for the semi-tanned look that both Middle Easterners and South Americans have. It ain't my fault. Now, about that flight to Yerevan....
Q: What would be a good metaphor for Clay Aiken coming out of the closet in September?
--Paula, Hollywood, California.
A: It's like an Illinois politician, who after a few years seems alright (the baby and straight marriage), but then rumors come out have to do with corruption (just looking at him). You don't want to believe but know they are probably true. You look at them and say "that's the face of a guilty man." Then, they plead guilty or are arrested. (coming out of the closet) (Note: this paragraph sponsored by the Rod Blagojevich Bail Fund)
Q: What is absolutely the worst reality show ever made?
--Flavor F., Compton, California.
A: There has been no show in television history more offensive than "My Super Sweet 16." The only reason anyone watches it is to call the girls bitches, the parents pushovers, and to see how much money they'll actually spend. When (not if) I go to hell, this show will be on repeat at the sports bar that only serves O'Douls and Goldschlagger. Stephen A Smith will be my bartender with the part in "Soulja Boy" that goes "Youuuuuu!" repeats 8,000,239 times in a row.
Q: What was the most disappointing moment, to you, of the train wreck that was "Entourage: Season 5"?
--Mark W., New York, New York.
A: Well, pretty much everything but I'll try and pick one thing that bugged me the most. Through Drama never working, Vince not able to find one role (Ben Affleck found work after "Gigli"!!!), but the moment that bugged me the most was Ari turning down a studio head job, just so he could stay Vince's agent. Talk about the most unrealistic thing in the history of life. Just because Vince wouldn't be able to do that ONE movie, doesn't mean Ari couldn't put Vince in just about anything for the rest of his career, plus make a shitload more money for himself. All in all, the show has gone down in quality faster than "SNL: Post-Ferell".
Q: If new Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro was a fictional character, who would he be?
--Kirk, ??????
A: This was a tough one. I didn't want it to be from a sports movie because that would be too easy. So I thought about the personality of the kid from "Bad Santa" mixed with the look of Chachi from "Happy Days." And I was right.
Q: Was there a better moment in sports this year than Michael Phelps' run at the Beijing Olympics?
--Tim T., Gainseville, FL
A: Well, with this year winding down, the sports fan has had alot to be thankful for this year. The Nadal/Federer match at Wimbeldon was one of the best tennis matches of all-time, Tiger's one-leg win at the US Open, in one of the greatest performances on a golf course ever, a buzzer beating three to force OT in the NCAA Title Game, and Usain Bolt capturing the world with his legs all were amazing accomplishments. In fact, 2008 was probably the best year in sports this decade, if not my lifetime. I think I can point out something everyone will remember from every month this year.
January: Michael Beasley showcasing his talents to the world with Kansas St. beating undefeated Kansas
February: David Tyree's amazing helmet catch to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl
March: Davidson's (and Stephen Curry's) spectacular run through the NCAA Tournament
April: The Kansas/Memphis title game
May: Big Brown capturing the attention of a nation, before and after his races.
June: Tiger Woods stunning win at the U.S. Open on one leg, beating old-but-new Rocco Mediate in a playoff
July: Nadal/Federer at the Wimbeldon Final in an epic 5 set match, winning the last set 9-7
August: Michael Phelps' record metal count in a few intense heats, and Usain Bolt becoming the fastest of all time
September: The Carlos Zambrano No-Hitter
October: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays run through the playoffs
November: Michael Crabtree's game-winning catch on fouth down to beat #1 Texas with 1 second left
December: "Jake Peavy to the Cubs" rumors continue to escalate, incinerate, rinse, repeat, and drive me absolutely insane
That's all for the mailbag.
Hope you all enjoyed a change of pace. With the holidays fast approaching, I'm trying to get as many blogs in as I possibly can. If you have any actual questions in case you liked this, didn't like it, or just want to bash me in general, my e-mail is mdolan2@gmail.com. But until next time, my faithful readers, adios and feliz navidad!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Excuse Me, Is This Place Occupied?
The world is a very crowded place. We jam bunches of people into small, small areas like a 11-inch (expletive) into a virgin's (expletive). It didn't always used to be that way, you see. Back in the old days (even further back than the "enforced DUI" and "domestic abuse laws"), people were spread out since their cousin Hallah couldn't ring them up on their cell and tell them what address to plug in on their TomTom: Camel Edition. Still, different areas of the world still became more populous than others (And why not? Even then, people knew Canada sucks). But where, you may (or more likely, may not) ask, were these cities that were larger than the others. Since you can probably see where I'm going with this, let's get down to it. These are the Most Populous Cities in History By Every Millenium (Since 3000BC).
3000 BC
Most Populous City: Memphis, Egypt
Population: More than 30,000
How'd It Thrive? Once upon a time, way before cable and pop music (although some scholars debate that), there were two kingdoms of Egypt. Smack dab in the middle was Memphis, Egypt, our topic of discussion. Located about 20 miles south of modern-day capital Cairo, Memphis unified the two halves of Egypt through a mutual need. Plus, Memphis was very strageically important to Ancient Egypt as it lay on the Nile River. At it's time, Memphis was by far the largest city in the world, kind of like what Boise is to Idaho (note: Idaho, although sometimes forgotten, is still actually a state). It held the top spot for over 800 years before being dethroned, pretty much confirming that life (at least, REAL life that is) began somewhere in Africa or the Middle East. Although that begs the ultra-spooky question: where did the Indians come from? (Seriously, what funky mix of sex partners created that? Nothing against Indians, it's just...baffling)
2000 BC
Most Populous City: Ur, Sumer (Now known as "That Place Where America's Spending Your Children's Money")
Population: Around 65,000, about the same amount as the billions of dollars we've spent there.
How'd It Thrive? Located in Sumer, which is sometimes referred to as the "Cradle of Civilization," Ur was a city from the late 6th Millenium BC, was abandoned and was re-settled. Now very inland, Ur used to be located on the Euphrates River, making it very favorable for trade through land and sea routes for all of Arabia. In the third dynasty of Ur, irrigation was improved, and the King at the time built all sorts of temples and set up one of the first code of laws ever known to man. Through all this, however, Ur only remained the largest city in the world for a few years, conviently garnering a spot on this list of lists. My favorite law from the Code of Ur-Nammu has to be this one: "If a man’s slave-woman, comparing herself to her mistress, speaks insolently to her, her mouth shall be scoured with 1 quart of salt." Those were the days when adultery was OK unless you were a woman. Then you were killed. Seems fair to me, let's move on.
1000 BC
Most Populous City: Thebes, Egypt. That's really fun to say. Theeebessss.
Population: 120,000
How'd It Thrive? Around 2000 BC, Thebes took control as the capital of Egypt. Thebes is known to be one of the most wealthy and beautiful cities in the ancient world. Located about 450 miles south of Cairo on both sides of the Nile River, Thebes had many spectacular temples, sphinxes, tombs, and other monuments were built in Thebes and still stand there (now modern-day Luxor and Al-Karnak). And just like Orange County, rich people flocked there to stay rich, get richer, and marry a nice, completely covered up woman. And until the Greeks stepped on their turf, Thebes was the religious, political, and militaristic capital of Egypt. Even though I missed it in my last blog, I think during this paragraph would be the perfect time for my Indiana Jones reference, as Thebes is where the Valley of the Kings is, and Indiana has been there before. Uhhh..yeah, that's it.
1 A.D.
Most Populous City: Rome, Roman Empire. DUH.
Population: Between 800,000 and 2 Million. Or about the population of Idaho, Montana, and North Dakota combined. (I may or may not be kidding)
How'd It Thrive? Well, if you really don't know (for shame, faithful readers), then I'll tell you. Rome was one of the largest Empires in the history of man. As the empire became bigger, the military became bigger, the economy got better, more slaves and nobility entered Rome, increasing the population by muchas personas. Rome was pretty much like a mix of Washington D.C. and Las Vegas, save the lights, add more prostitutes. You know Rome for the Colloseum, the Trevi Fountain, and all the touristy stuff. But what you may not know about this ever-so-populated hub is that the Roman Empire isn't even in the top 10 of most populated Empires of all time. Even though 31% of the world was under Roman rule and that Ancient Rome is perhaps the most studied area of ancient history, it didn't even have a Starbucks. Which is astonishing. WHERE DID THEY GET THEIR TRIPLE NON-FAT CINNAMON DOLCE LATTES AT HALF TEMP'S?!?!? Rome does, however, have the distinction of being the only country on this list outside of or connected to Asia. So congrats, Italians, go ahead and brag about it. Just know this:
1000 A.D.
Most Populous City: Baghdad, Iraq. Without the bombs over it. (Cue Outkast!)
Population: 1.2 Million. Rome was the first to break the million mark but Baghdad took over the population lead like Saddam on Syria.
How'd It Thrive? Unlike the other cities on this list, Baghdad wasn't the world population leader at the time because it was thriving. On the contrary. Baghdad, in 1000 A.D., was actually run by an Iranian group that is so hard to spell, even attempting it would be racist. The main reason for Baghdad's tremendous population at the time was because it was the center of the Islamic world. And Islamic people REALLY love their religion. I mean, there is a reason that you don't see Christians bombing mosques and taking their own lives. Anyways, Baghdad pretty much grew with the growth of Islam and that's how it overtook Rome, since the official religion of Rome was Pinotnoir-ism.
2008 A.D. (aka NOW)
Most Populous City: Tokyo, Japan. You were expecting someone else?
Population: 28,025,000 people in one damn city. My, how things change in a thousand years.
How's It Thriving? Amazingly, I really don't know how Tokyo has thrived throughout the years. Just 60 years ago, most of Japan was poor. Somehow, in the 80s, their economy experienced an unbelieveable boom, comparable only by saying it was like Tokyo was dating Rosie O'Donnell (ok, not that bad. Let's go with Roseanne) and then, after they broke up, Tokyo started dating Scarlet Johansson. Japan is a very organized country. They work hard, they are very educated, and they don't have to pay for a military. Another reason may be that Japan has one of the highest life expectencies, so people don't die as often as elsewhere, keeping the population very high. There are many jobs since its on Tokyo Bay and a massive amount of businesses are located there. Let's be honest here though. The real reason Tokyo is so big? Sake and a condom shortage.
Well, it wasn't my best work but it will tide you over until my next blog which I promise will be epic and embarassing as hell to me, as I will be "critiquing" myself on various aspects of life. Anyways, there's no reason to worry about my ability. It's still going as strong as cholera in Africa. Ouch, how's that excessive diarrhea treating ya? (Oh c'mon, disease jokes against the poor are a little funny. Or not. FINE!) Until I bombard your mind with knowledge, remember one thing: everything in this blog is a metaphor. If you can figure out for what, gold star for you. Until next time, obtenir infecté avec les crabes s'il vous plaît!
3000 BC
Most Populous City: Memphis, Egypt
Population: More than 30,000
How'd It Thrive? Once upon a time, way before cable and pop music (although some scholars debate that), there were two kingdoms of Egypt. Smack dab in the middle was Memphis, Egypt, our topic of discussion. Located about 20 miles south of modern-day capital Cairo, Memphis unified the two halves of Egypt through a mutual need. Plus, Memphis was very strageically important to Ancient Egypt as it lay on the Nile River. At it's time, Memphis was by far the largest city in the world, kind of like what Boise is to Idaho (note: Idaho, although sometimes forgotten, is still actually a state). It held the top spot for over 800 years before being dethroned, pretty much confirming that life (at least, REAL life that is) began somewhere in Africa or the Middle East. Although that begs the ultra-spooky question: where did the Indians come from? (Seriously, what funky mix of sex partners created that? Nothing against Indians, it's just...baffling)
2000 BC
Most Populous City: Ur, Sumer (Now known as "That Place Where America's Spending Your Children's Money")
Population: Around 65,000, about the same amount as the billions of dollars we've spent there.
How'd It Thrive? Located in Sumer, which is sometimes referred to as the "Cradle of Civilization," Ur was a city from the late 6th Millenium BC, was abandoned and was re-settled. Now very inland, Ur used to be located on the Euphrates River, making it very favorable for trade through land and sea routes for all of Arabia. In the third dynasty of Ur, irrigation was improved, and the King at the time built all sorts of temples and set up one of the first code of laws ever known to man. Through all this, however, Ur only remained the largest city in the world for a few years, conviently garnering a spot on this list of lists. My favorite law from the Code of Ur-Nammu has to be this one: "If a man’s slave-woman, comparing herself to her mistress, speaks insolently to her, her mouth shall be scoured with 1 quart of salt." Those were the days when adultery was OK unless you were a woman. Then you were killed. Seems fair to me, let's move on.
1000 BC
Most Populous City: Thebes, Egypt. That's really fun to say. Theeebessss.
Population: 120,000
How'd It Thrive? Around 2000 BC, Thebes took control as the capital of Egypt. Thebes is known to be one of the most wealthy and beautiful cities in the ancient world. Located about 450 miles south of Cairo on both sides of the Nile River, Thebes had many spectacular temples, sphinxes, tombs, and other monuments were built in Thebes and still stand there (now modern-day Luxor and Al-Karnak). And just like Orange County, rich people flocked there to stay rich, get richer, and marry a nice, completely covered up woman. And until the Greeks stepped on their turf, Thebes was the religious, political, and militaristic capital of Egypt. Even though I missed it in my last blog, I think during this paragraph would be the perfect time for my Indiana Jones reference, as Thebes is where the Valley of the Kings is, and Indiana has been there before. Uhhh..yeah, that's it.
1 A.D.
Most Populous City: Rome, Roman Empire. DUH.
Population: Between 800,000 and 2 Million. Or about the population of Idaho, Montana, and North Dakota combined. (I may or may not be kidding)
How'd It Thrive? Well, if you really don't know (for shame, faithful readers), then I'll tell you. Rome was one of the largest Empires in the history of man. As the empire became bigger, the military became bigger, the economy got better, more slaves and nobility entered Rome, increasing the population by muchas personas. Rome was pretty much like a mix of Washington D.C. and Las Vegas, save the lights, add more prostitutes. You know Rome for the Colloseum, the Trevi Fountain, and all the touristy stuff. But what you may not know about this ever-so-populated hub is that the Roman Empire isn't even in the top 10 of most populated Empires of all time. Even though 31% of the world was under Roman rule and that Ancient Rome is perhaps the most studied area of ancient history, it didn't even have a Starbucks. Which is astonishing. WHERE DID THEY GET THEIR TRIPLE NON-FAT CINNAMON DOLCE LATTES AT HALF TEMP'S?!?!? Rome does, however, have the distinction of being the only country on this list outside of or connected to Asia. So congrats, Italians, go ahead and brag about it. Just know this:
1000 A.D.
Most Populous City: Baghdad, Iraq. Without the bombs over it. (Cue Outkast!)
Population: 1.2 Million. Rome was the first to break the million mark but Baghdad took over the population lead like Saddam on Syria.
How'd It Thrive? Unlike the other cities on this list, Baghdad wasn't the world population leader at the time because it was thriving. On the contrary. Baghdad, in 1000 A.D., was actually run by an Iranian group that is so hard to spell, even attempting it would be racist. The main reason for Baghdad's tremendous population at the time was because it was the center of the Islamic world. And Islamic people REALLY love their religion. I mean, there is a reason that you don't see Christians bombing mosques and taking their own lives. Anyways, Baghdad pretty much grew with the growth of Islam and that's how it overtook Rome, since the official religion of Rome was Pinotnoir-ism.
2008 A.D. (aka NOW)
Most Populous City: Tokyo, Japan. You were expecting someone else?
Population: 28,025,000 people in one damn city. My, how things change in a thousand years.
How's It Thriving? Amazingly, I really don't know how Tokyo has thrived throughout the years. Just 60 years ago, most of Japan was poor. Somehow, in the 80s, their economy experienced an unbelieveable boom, comparable only by saying it was like Tokyo was dating Rosie O'Donnell (ok, not that bad. Let's go with Roseanne) and then, after they broke up, Tokyo started dating Scarlet Johansson. Japan is a very organized country. They work hard, they are very educated, and they don't have to pay for a military. Another reason may be that Japan has one of the highest life expectencies, so people don't die as often as elsewhere, keeping the population very high. There are many jobs since its on Tokyo Bay and a massive amount of businesses are located there. Let's be honest here though. The real reason Tokyo is so big? Sake and a condom shortage.
Well, it wasn't my best work but it will tide you over until my next blog which I promise will be epic and embarassing as hell to me, as I will be "critiquing" myself on various aspects of life. Anyways, there's no reason to worry about my ability. It's still going as strong as cholera in Africa. Ouch, how's that excessive diarrhea treating ya? (Oh c'mon, disease jokes against the poor are a little funny. Or not. FINE!) Until I bombard your mind with knowledge, remember one thing: everything in this blog is a metaphor. If you can figure out for what, gold star for you. Until next time, obtenir infecté avec les crabes s'il vous plaît!
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