Drunken Folly

There are nights that everybody has. You know, when you get so drunk that you either puke or blackout. What leads someone to gulp down copious amounts of alcoholic drinks? That is a very good question. The answer is a bit more difficult. Nobody really knows why people binge on booze. I, myself, can easily be drawn into doing any shot, competition, or drink having to do with alcohol simply by someone telling me I can't do it. Depression, joy, apathy, these are all feelings that drive people to their nearest watering hole. But it's not all feelings. So sit down, grab a beer (or two), read along, and ask yourself the very same questions that I'm asking myself. The answers might SHOCK you. (mine, not yours). But I feel like I should be honest enough with the small faithful who still gander at my blog. I am also on prescription grade painkillers for my shoulder. But anyways...
Is Dolan an Alcoholic?

1. Have you ever had so much to drink you threw up in public?
--Absolutely. While in Amsterdam, on my way back to the hotel after drinking and smoking weed with a sketchy Dutch kid, I puked up my strawberry pancakes all over the street, in the elevator, and right in front of my door. If anyone reading this had to clean any of that up, I'm sorry. I've never puked in public, from drrinking at least, but I also puked the day after I had to much to drink and we were at the Agora. It was not pleasant.

2. Have you ever drank an entire week in a row?
--Sure have. Since, I didn't have much class first semester of senior year college, I was going out alot. At one point, I had gone out 5 nights in a row, went back to Chicago after the last night, and definitely drank at least a few days in a row after that. Plus, recently I also accomplished this task but it's too depressing to list here on the blog.

3. Have you ever got so drunk you couldn't get "it" up?
--Sure thing. It's not that bad though when the girl your with goes down on you for 30 minutes trying to make it happen.

4. Have you ever been kicked out of a bar?
--Absolutely, in Kirksville during the Cubs playoffs I got kicked out for being obnoxious.

5. What's the worst thing you've done to someone while you were drunk?
--I'm more of a coward than a fighter, but the worst thing might have done is told my neighbor to "Shut the fuck up" on at 11pm on my 21st birthday. Or pissed on a car, I don't know whose, but uhhhhhh sorry, man (or gal)

6. Have you ever woken up somewhere you don't even remember being?
--Once at school I woke up on some guy's lawn and didn't recognize where I was, it was about a mile away from campus. I would have been confused, if I wasn't hungover as shit.

7. How often do you drink by yourself?
--About once or twice a week. Unless it counts with my dad, then zero. But whatever.

8. What are some things you regret doing under the influence?
--Well, there was this one girl, the time I almost got mugged, the day I broke my grandmother's crystal frame, rear ending some guy, throwing up on some girls expensive rug, throwing up on my computer, falling and dislocating my knee, accidently cockblocking, getting cockblocked and not saying anything, calling some guy's girlfriend when I was on shrooms and a few beers, taking 10 shots of whiskey in an hour, played 10 games of beer pong in a row while drinking for my partner, playing flip-cup with a full cup of beer, eating Taco Bell, and playing drinking games with a waterbottle full of tequila instead of beer.

9. What is the most times you've gotten drunk in a single day?
--4. I believe it was an ordinary Saturday at home, went golfing with the dad (1), came home and napped a little. Had a few cocktails around 2-3 pm (2), went out for dinner where I had 4-5 drinks (3), and had people over to drink later that night (4). I wouldn't reccommend going over 4. That would be a hospital visit.

10. Final Question: How would your life be different if you couldn't drink?
--Honestly? I'd have alot less friends, alot less fun, and things like "marijuana" would be used very, very often to offset. I wouldn't have gone to weddings as much as I have, I wouldn't go out as much, and I don't even know if my dad and I would have a relationship. Holidays would be boring, sex would last less time, and life, altogether, would be a little bit duller. Without alcohol, the world would be a blur that we all live through, with no outlet for our suffering, pain, and whatnot. Bars and booze help people. FACT.

Peace, I'm sure I'm an alc so no conclusion is necessary.

Together in Perfect Harmony

Now that I've done my necessary Oscar blogging binge, I'll turn my attention to something more serious. Something that has to do with every single person on this Earth. From the loneliest eskimo (or Inuit, if your a stickler for extreme political correctness) to the hardest working Chinese manicurist, this blog will redefine the understanding of cultures, not to mention wipe out bigotry. What is one thing that unites the world? Nope, it's not sex. Cause if it was, anti-depressants would be useless. Music, regardless of culture, can unite people. There was nothing more annoying to me than hearing Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" all over Greece when I was there, or more baffling than hearing soccer crowds singing Elvis' "I Can't Help Falling in Love With You" in England. America has their songs but the rest of the world does too. Occasionally, the rest of the worlds songs are sung by Americans. Oh well. Every continent has their own anthem, even if it's sung from 5,000 miles away. So these are those songs. These are Songs with Continents as the Title. A song for every continent. "Heat of the Moment" doesn't count. (Know how I know your gay? You didn't get that reference)

"Antarctica"
Sung By? American indie rockers The Weepies
Best Cultural Reference: "Under ice there's a world moving slow, Carnelian stars and the bars down below serve only vodka and gin, I try to stay drunk so nobody knows"
On the Rocks: The Weepies sings sad songs. Antarctica is a sad, lonely place occupied only by scientists who have never had sex, nor care about the pursuit of it. So it seems fitting that The Weepies would sing the Antarctic theme. This is a little more upbeat than the average resident of Antarctica, but all those penguins and polar bears don't mind. But as The Weepies sing about Antarctica as their "only living relative," something is missing (maybe an aunt?). The song is pretty good but Antarctica is not. So it doesn't fit. Antarctica's anthem should be more like a bad karaoke singer's version of The Beatles "Hey Jude": too long and mind-numbingly harsh on the ears. The Weepies make Antarctica not sound half bad. Or maybe not, if they need to stay drunk so nobody knows. And only vodka and gin? How bout some variety? Man, I know scientists aren't very creative but it doesn't take a genius to make a Jack and Coke. One thing I want answered about Antarctica: what the hell are Carnelian stars? (googles) Oh, reddish brown stars. That's a pretentious lyric.



"Australia"
Sung By? American Indie rockers The Shins
Best Cultural Reference: "Faced with a dodo's conundrum, I felt like I could fly, but nothing happened every time I tried."
No Men at Work: I came close to choosing The Jonas Brothers' song "Australia" but I decided I'd rather live like Michael J. Fox for a day. I actually don't think the song is about Australia, but who knows with indie rock? A song called "Jesus" could be about the meaning behind "Air Bud." Besides, can anyone write a serious song about the greatness of Australia? "Australia, Australia, the great penal colony of lore, my great-grandma was sent here cause the English thought she was a whore." The Shins do well to capture the sunny disposition of the country, if that was their intention, and the Aussie's are proud of it. And they should be, since the band probably put the names of countries in a hat and drew "Australia" for this song. But that's what's great about Australia. It's only heard about at random. The one thing the song is missing about Aussie culture is the vulgarity. Besides the koala bears and opera house, that's the best thing about the Aussie culture. I mean, right now they would tell me to "Fuck off, ya bedpan drinking cunt." I mean, who thinks of that? Well, I did. And the rest of America should take a cue from the Aussie's and become more creative with their vulgarity. All we say is "fuck you" and "you're an asshole". Instead, why don't you say something more insulting? Like, "your mother drinks out of my toilet, but only when i let her." I could totally be an Aussie. But I could just never get intp their national sport of kangaroo boxing.


"America"
Sung By? Neil Diamond
Best Cultural Reference: "Everywhere around the world, they're coming to America."
Star Spangled Thinger: Nothing says America like a bunch of drunk Bostoners singing "Sweet Caroline" instead of the 7th inning stretch. His "America" hymnal, cheesy and lyrically lazy, is what America's all about. As Neil continually sings about other people coming to our beloved country, he never really mentions why (Nebraska and Fergie). Then there's the awesomely creative re-quoting of "My Country 'tis of Thee" at the end of the song, which must be better in concert or something. Where's the usual ultra-American patriotism? The sexual deviance of the piano solo? The hopes and dreams of a poor 18-year old Taiwanese immigrant that works in a "massage parlor"? Because THAT'S what America is all about, isn't it? Patriotism, Sexual Deviance, and barely legal rub-n-tugs. Neil Diamond, unfortunately, covers none of the three. So, since Neil couldn't capture the true nature of America in song, allow me to rewrite the lyrics to "The Star Spangled Banner":
"O say can you see, by "Red Dawn's" early fight sequence?
What so proudly we hail, at "Twilight's" next movie.
Which broad's striped see-through dress went out to the club,
while her fans watched, on the internet streaming?
Lindsay Lohan's red hair, her skirt lifted by the air
Gave us proof that night, that the carpet matches up there.
O say, which celebrity divorce will make single moms brave?
In the land of the free and the former home of the slave!"



"Africa"
Sung By? 80's Pop Punch line, Toto
Best Cultural Reference: "I bless the rains down in Africa."
It Needs Some AIDeS: Even though it's by a band named Toto, which was their second choice behind Daft Punk, "Africa" is a scintillating tune rivaling other Toto hits like "St George and the Dragon" and "All Us Boys." When you name your band after the dog from The Wizard of Oz, you are guaranteed to endure thousands upon thousands of gay jokes. Who better than to sing Africa's anthem? Since Africa has basically become the world's punchline (if people still know about it) anyway, Toto and the continent fit very well together. All joking aside, Toto's song is pretty good with a rather boss (yeah, I'm using that as an adjective) chorus. QUICK: Name 5 African countries in 10 seconds! (Waits...) Bet you couldn't do it. Toto could. Their song blesses the rains on the entire continent, which aren't many, but still...at least their trying. Which is more than I could say for most people. Like Keira Knightley. What did she ever do for Africans? (Starring in 12 set-in-England period pieces doesn't count. In fact, that didn't help anyone. To be fair though, Africa hasn't made many good films. I can't think of one, actually.) DUN DUN DUN.
Here's an awesome cover from an awesome fictional band in an awesome TV show. AWESOME.


"South America"
Sung By? American indie band The Shout Out Louds
Best Cultural Reference: "I was talking to a friend of mine, in the bright night club light"
It's Chile Down There: I can't decide if this is an awesome name for a band or a really lame one, but I'll tell you one thing: "South America" is not a good name for a song. Or a continent. The Shout Out Louds did their best, though, to try and capture the mood of the South American political climate. TENSE BABY. They do it without many actual lyrics, more with their sound. You can sense it the maracas (those shaking things). The violin riffs are Hugo Chavez's iron fist. The xylophone sounds play off the eardrum like the Colombian cocaine would in Colombia. The Shout Out Louds shout out for a united South America. One where Peru, Bolivia, Chile, French Guyana, Suriname, and the lesser known countries can be united as one. The oohs and aahs aren't for musical effect. On the contrary. They are for the pain and suffering that the impoverished South Americans have to deal with throughout their lives. The Shout Out Louds create a diatribe, with colorful sounds, to illuminate a vibrant, sexy collection of countries that play host to millions of the most unique people South of the Equator (sorry, Australia). How can a song be about all that and still keep themselves in enough check to write a great song? Well, it can't. The song's about a jealous guy who sees his ex at a club. Indie bands just like continents for titles. But I'm sorry, don't unleash that Latin temper out on me. I'm just the messenger. Messenger of loooovvvve (cue 80's porn music.)


"I Love Asia"
Sung By? Super Asian Colloaboration, Smile Again
Best Cultural Reference: "No matter where you look, there's no sign of hope"
Kung Pao!: After the earthquake in China a few years ago, Chinese people (I think Jackie Chan's in the video but he looks similar to that other Asian I know) got together to show their love and support for a continent that is suffering from AIDS, poverty, overpopulation, underage prostitution, human trafficking, and overpriced Shrimp Fried Rice. But seriously, only Japan, China, and Korea really have it that good out of all those Asian countries. And while this "We Are the World" rip-off seems like it might help a minimum waged janitor escape from rubble, it is just awful. I mean, Chinese isn't a very pretty language and when they try to make it sound pretty, it sounds even worse. I mean, the only time I've heard it beautiful was at that massage parlor in the suburbs. But anyways, earthquakes are serious things. So stop laughing at the Asians as they attempt to horribly sing about the victims, who probably are praying for another stone to fall on their face after hearing this long ass diatribe. But who can blame Jackie Chan for trying? Well, lots of people if they've seen any of his movies besides Rush Hour.



"European Son"
Sung By? The Velvet Underground
Best Cultural Reference: "You killed your European son, you spit on those under 21"
It Rains Alot: After searching for a song about Asia, Europe, or even Eurasia for my super duper continent song project, I found that there are bands for these continents but not songs. So I had to improvise. Who better to represent Europe than Velvet Underground, a bunch of guys who wrote a song about fucking a nun. Listen, Europeans kill their sons and they spit on minors. It's just the way of the world. Like Burger and Fries or Chocolate and Peanut Butter, it's just how we spin madly on in this crazy, mixed up world. The Velvet Underground are a bunch of wacky dudes, to be sure, and you'd think they were on more drugs than a Chinese opium den to write some of their music, but they were actually quite mellow. Europe deserves a special anthem, since, as any European would be quick to point out, it's a special place. And TVU try to make it special with their six-minute instrumental jam in-between the scarce lyrics, although it comes off as pretentious. Which is also a synonym for "European." The song is alright, if for no other reason than frontman Lou Reed can sing his way out of a interstellar war. In Europe's defense, it's a very beautiful place with a massive amount of natural wonders. But the people are so snobby and arrogant, and then you got Europe outside of France. Which is actually pretty sweet. France sucks.


There's nothing left to say for these god forsaken continents except that they are all part of our sad, small world that we are all forced to occupy. So why can't we all look past the ridiculous lines on maps and religious denominations and live together? Racism and bigotry is so lame, not to mention there are those that can never fully understand the true nature of humanity. We all look to labels to judge a person. And while "serial killer" is a good label to judge, Islamic or Moroccan aren't. Bigotry and racism are for ignorant people, unwilling to even listen to another's opinion. So fuck them. Let gays marry, let Muslims pray, let Christians try and convert any and everyone into their religion. It won't harm you if you have nothing to do with it. So, in the words of Paul McCartney "Let It Be."

Worst of the Best

Hey there. In light of the Oscars (thank god for Slumdog) yesterday, I decided to just do a short list with the the 10 Worst and Best Best Picture Winners of All-Time. I'll some more blogging up later in the week.

Worst
Honorable Mentions: Chariots of Fire, Shakespeare in Love, Dances With Wolves

10. Titanic (1997)
Should've won: Good Will Hunting

9. Terms of Endearment (1983)
Should've Won: The Right Stuff

8. Tom Jones (1963)
Should've Won: America, America

7. Crash (2005)
Should've Won: Brokeback Mountain

6. Gigi (1958)
Should've Won: Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

5. The Englsih Patient (1996)
Should've Won: Fargo

4. Chicago (2002)
Should've Won: The Pianist or Lord of the Rings 2

3. Around the World in 80 Days (1956)
Should've Won: La Strada

2. The Greatest Show on Earth (1952)
Should've Won: High Noon

1. Out of Africa (1985)
Should've Won: Ran

Best

Honorable Mentions: Slumdog Millionaire (too soon), No Country for Old Men, The Lost Weekend


10. The Apartment (1960)

9. Rebecca (1940)

8. Casablanca (1942)

7. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)

6. The Sting (1973)

5. The Deer Hunter (1978)

4. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

3. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)

2. Schindler's List (1993)

1. The Godfather (1972)

That's enough of the movie posts for now. I'll be back soon enough with a real-live blog! Until then, viva la revolucion!

Oscar Review: Slumdog Millionaire

Today I review the #1 movie in my Oscar Review. And there should be no surprise as to what it is. Let's review the future Best Picture winner, deservingly so.

Slumdog Millionaire

The Players: Directed by Danny Boyle, Starring Dev Patel, Freida Pinto
Also Nominated For: Best Director (Boyle), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Original Song (Twice), Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Original Score, Best Sound, Best Sound Editing.
Plot: A Mumbai teen who grew up in the slums, becomes a contestant on the Indian version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" He is arrested under suspicion of cheating, and while being interrogated, events from his life history are shown which explain why he knows the answers.

Review: What can I say about Slumdog that hasn't already been said? From the opening sequences to the final dance number, Slumdog is vibrant and alive. Every story within the story is heartwarming and tragic. M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes' seems like it was made for this movie and the music that was is an amazing musical achievement for a movie. The decision to get kids from the actual slums for the child roles made the movie that much better. However, what bothers me about Slumdog, is that it's hardly a "feel-good story." It's a tragedy until the very end. And even though the ending's predictable, who could have it any other way. This kid is screwed over and every point, by everybody but all those times he was screwed, lead him one step closer to his ultimate prize: love. This isn't a story about money, it's about destiny. Of course it's far-fetched. Is it any less far-fetched than Crash or Rocky? And if it is far-fetched, who really cares? The movie is alive. The story goes back and forth through time, but there is no beginning or end, there is only the flow of life. It's hard to review a movie like Slumdog because of the way it makes you feel. Can you look objectively beyond your feelings for the movie and point out the flaws? It's very hard to do so when a movie can be so emotional, an up and down roller coaster of joy and shock. But when you experience a movie like this, who really cares if its flawed at all? Throughout the film Jamal almost gets his eyes scooped out, loses his girl 3 different times, is tortured by police, gets an invaluable autography taken away, watches his mother die, and is severely betrayed by his own brother. Even if the ending is predictable, Jamal deserves a happy ending. Director Danny Boyle puts together his best movie, hires Indian musical genius AR Rahman to compose a brilliant score that almost certainly will win, along with Best Song. I don't feel like I can do Slumdog justice by reviewing it here. There is no way to expect what you eventually see on screen. It is something that must be experienced to appreciate. So, if you haven't had the pleasure, go see Slumdog. It is a cinematic gem. And don't worry about all the haters out there. Even Mother Theresa had haters (NOT COMPARING SLUMDOG TO A CHRISTIAN SAINT).

Grade: A

Oscar Review: Milk

Today I predicatably review Milk, which came in 2nd out of the Best Picture nominees. And I must point out that I never thought me reviewing Benjamin Button would get me called Hitler and Stalin, a first for even me. I was in awe and, I must say, almost offended. So I guess I'll be open to opinions more often and readily.

Milk

The Players: Directed by Gus Van Sant, Starring Sean Penn, James Franco, Josh Brolin, Emilie Hirsch, and Diego Luna
Also Nominated For: Best Actor (Penn), Best Supporting Actor (Brolin), Best Director (Van Sant), Best Original Screenplay, Best Editing, Best Costume Design, Best Original Score
Plot: The story of California's first openly gay elected official, Harvey Milk, a San Francisco supervisor who was assassinated along with Mayor George Moscone by San Francisco Supervisor Dan White.

Review: Otherwise known as the Sean Penn Show, Milk is a gripping story about the former gay supervisor. That doesn't mean it is not flawed. The cast gives a great performance, especially Penn and Brolin, who shine. Penn is totally committed to the role in every way. Any other year, he might get the Oscar. But I think it belongs to Rourke this year. Where I think it is flawed, however, is in that it doesn't show Harvey Milk as human; it shows him as a perfect, gay superhero freedom fighter. Sir Milk sure had flaws. Like, how he sent a letter to Jim Jones at Jonestown, pledging his support for him a few weeks before a forced mass suicide. But the movie is, nonetheless, engaging. Although the scenes with his lovers are rather hit or miss, the protests and the campaigning is great. When Penn, Hirsch, and the the crew are all together, that's where the movie shines. Like Frost/Nixon, this is a movie completely driven by it's characters. That's not to say Van Sant doesn't do a great job. He recreates the 1970's of San Francisco and makes it seem like you are there. The best scene of the movie, where Broiin goes to Harvey's fancy party drunk, single handedly got Brolin the nomination and was so powerful. Even though Franco may have done better. What makes Milk so powerful is its subject and what it represents. The movie is about Harvey Milk but it's more about what he represented. Gays, even in liberal California, had barely any rights. It's amazing that, as a society, America is so young and prejudice. I never understood why people are so bias against gays. If religious people think that gays are going to hell, then let them. Who cares? Everybody needs to worry about themselves because everybody deserves to live the life they want, forget the consequences. Before I make this about gay rights, I'll get back to the movie. Going into this movie, you know what's going to happen. Harvey Milk is going to die. But Sean Penn shows audiences that there's a reason this man is more known for his life than his death, even though both were high profile. He showed gays that they SHOULD get out in the open and accept who they were and what they deserved. This is not to say the movie was perfect. I'm not sure why, I just think it suffered from the United 93 syndrome. No movie could completely capture the life and death of Harvey Milk. Nor could it completely convey how much Harvey Milk meant. It's better than most biopics, thats for sure. It's a great movie, but is it a memorable one? One I'll watch 10 years from now? A Best Picture winner? Not quite. It needed just a little extra oomph. Harvey Milk played second fiddle to no man, but his movie does. And Milk is number two because number one is oh-so-good. Number one is memorable, I'll watch it 10 years from now, and it is a Best Picture winner. Sorry, Harvey. That doesn't mean Milk isn't great. It just isn't as great as the man.

Grade: B+

I'll be back later today or Friday for my review of the #1 movie in the Best Picture category. Which, by the powers of deduction, I'm sure you can figure out.

Oscar Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

First off, I want to say that if you don't agree with this order, that's really just your opinion. And if you haven't seen all the movies, do you REALLY know? Here's a video to explain how I feel when people disagree with my blog:



Anyways, just 5 days away from the Oscars and we're already on 3rd Place! Today I'll be reviewing what I think is the 3rd best movie in the Best Picture category, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The Players: Directed by David Fincher, Starring Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, and Taraji Henson.
Also Nominated For: Best Director (Fincher), Best Actor (Pitt), Best Supporting Actress (Henson), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Art Direction, Best Costume Design, Best Makeup, Best Original Score, Best Sound, Best Visual Effects. Whew.
Plot: The story of Benjamin Button, a man who ages backwards with bizarre circumstances.

Review: WInston Churchill once said that the Soviets were "an enigma wrapped inside a riddle." That's the way I felt about Benjamin Button. A part of me really, really enjoyed watching this movie, while another part of me thought it was more boring than The English Patient. David Fincher creates a magical world, full of visual beauty and exceptional creativity in showing Brad Pitt as an old man. But while Button is a beautiful, visual wonder, it trudges along like a snail in a marathon. In a vastly overrated performance by Brad Pitt and a "Who the hell are you?" performance from little-known but Oscar nominated Taraji Henson, there is nothing but an ordinary life, but backwards. An old woman telling her story to her daughter (the worst part of the movie) and a man falling in and out of love. An ordinary man in an unordinary body. The premise is one that is so full of possibilities, it makes you wonder how this was the final product. Did Fincher simply spend too much time on how they were going to visually do this movie, rather than figuring out the movie itself? I love David Fincher, who has yet to make a single dud. But in a movie so anticipated (at least in the Oscar community) and with a premise that allows for limitless possibilities, it just seemed like "Big Fish" without the humor. But the reason I have it here 3rd, is because of how wonderful the movie was, visually and technically. Where the story is lacking, the way the story is portrayed makes it at least a little more interesting. I don't think that Button is a Best Picture worthy movie, but worthy of (besides the acting ones) every other Oscar it is nominated for. It would certainly be a travesty if this movie ends up winning Best Picture it would just show how much of a joke the Academy really is. This movie is good. Not bad, not great. It is a twist on a simple love story that is visually wonderful but drags on too long and just doesn't have a great story to justify either the Oscar nomination or the almost 3 hour running time. The best analogy I can think of for this movie is that it's like a very pretty girl who has no personality. You might stick around for a while, but in the end, it's not just you like her. It's because of the looks. Here's hoping that Fincher will stick with crime-type dramas like "Zodiac" and "Seven" from now on, as he knows how to master those. In the meantime, he can take solace in the fact that he made this movie in a down year and was able to score his first Oscar nod. And Brad Pitt: you need to work on those accents, methinks.

Grade: B-

Since we have only 2 movies left, I think I'll skip a day and give you the last two on Thursday and Friday. Til then, adios.

Oscar Review: Frost/Nixon

In part 2 of my Oscar Review, I will be reviewing Frost/Nixon. As I said, I'm doing them in order of what I thought the best movies in this category were, so this would place 4th out of 5.


Frost/Nixon
The Players: Directed by Ron Howard, Starring Frank Langella, Michael Sheen, Sam Rockwell and Kevin Bacon.
Also Nominated For: Best Director (Howard), Best Actor (Langella), Best Editing, Best Adapted Screenplay.
Plot: In the aftermath of Watergate, British TV personality David Frost has a series of very revealing interviews with disgraced President Richard Nixon.

The Review: Frost/Nixon is one of those movies that would be nothing without it's actors. Langella takes his Nixon portrayal from the stage to the screen and doesn't miss a beat. The vastly underrated Michael Sheen and Sam Rockwell also give great performances. There is no doubt that this is a great movie, perhaps worthy of it's Best Picture nomination. Was there better this year? Yes, even in a weak year of movies, there were films that surpassed Frost/Nixon in quality. It has the "Phone Booth" and "Panic Room" problem: how can we make a movie enjoyable if it's basically people talking in the same place for the entire movie. I'm not a big Ron Howard fan. I don't know if he gets lucky with some of the performances that actors give him or what (minus Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code, of course), but I feel like he gets great source material but he can't push it to the next level. To be honest, there's nothing really wrong with Frost/Nixon. It's just that, there's nothing imaginative about it. If this were the same movie, but a work of fiction, would people care at all? Obviously not, and, to be fair, you can say that about many, many movies and performances. The interview scenes with Sheen and Langella are great. Langella capturing Nixon's every tick, as a great talker, an extremely smart man, with a lack of a moral compass and not exactly being a people person. And when (spoilers) he finally gets schooled and realized it, Langella provides one of the best reaction shots of the year. Demoralized and fallen, Langella plays Nixon in a way that seems like only he could, but Howard just doesn't bring out an excellent performance from him that would be on par with Mickey Rourke or Sean Penn this year. Sheen's performance is lost behind Langella but is still a rather good one. Same with Kevin Bacon, who surprisingly holds his own throughout his scenes with Nixon. With Howard though, there's just something there that's missing. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is but some of the scenes with Nixon at his house or when Frost is organizing the interview aren't anything to brag about from a filmmaking standpoint. Even the first few interviews just seem a little dull. I know it was based on historical events but you can't hang your film on one moment, unless it's a "Sixth Sense" like moment. And throughout the film, it just seems like it's depending on Nixon's confession rather than building up to it. I can't support a Directing nomination here for Ron Howard in what is a almost great film, but not monumental enough to be remembered as the movie that captured Nixon.

Grade: B-

If you liked Frost/Nixon, you might like...Nixon by Oliver Stone, a more demonizing, albeit controversial, portrait of Nixon.

Oscar Review: The Reader

To give you more frequent blogging, I've decided to give off and on movie reviews. And since the Oscars are this upcoming Sunday, I decided I'd review all the 5 Best Picture nominees. I'll go in order of worst to first, not in the order I think is going to win, but in order of quality. I'll grade it with the letter system, rather than stars or numbers, since I think it gives a better idea of what I actually think of the movie than the star system. Here we go.

The Reader
The Players: Directed by Stephen Daldry, Starring Kate Winslet, Ralph Fiennes, and David Kross
Also Nominated For: Best Director, Best Actress (Winslet), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography
Plot: Post-WWII Germany: Nearly a decade after his affair with an older woman came to a mysterious end, law student Michael Berg re-encounters his former lover as she defends herself in a war-crime trial.

The Review: Since this is first, you know that I like it the least of the Best Pic nominees, not to mention about 10 other films that were better. But all bias aside, The Reader is a film that is driven by Kate Winslet as much as someone can drive this plot. Ralph Fiennes was pretty good, as just isn't enough to save the film. I know it's not the point or the intention of the movie, to cast itself in a "Nazi-sympathizing" light, but to me, it comes dangerously close. There are many other problems with the film that are problematic. For one, the statutory rape relationship with Winslet and Kross is neither believable, nor is it tolerable. I didn't believe it in the least bit, especially in the eyes of Winslet. Hey, there's no doubt that Winslet is an unbelievable actress that does a pretty good job in this film. But her partner, the young German David Kross, only learned English to star in this film. That's impressive. But where The Reader goes wrong is that it has no real end-game. Who wants to see another Holocaust movie, especially when we are supposed to sympathize with a death camp guard? Come on. I'm supposed to feel bad for Winslet in this movie because she can't read? It doesn't take literacy to burn a few hundred people to death or choose 10 women a week to be killed. I know this movie was rushed through editing and post-production to get a release date that would this eligible for the Oscar. Well, it worked, but I don't think any more time on the film would have made it better. It is a bleak, depressing film without a point. Is the point that a whole generation of Germans that were there for the Holocaust but didn't do anything and now they have to live with it? Because if it is, Winslet's character is not one of those people and even those that are deserve no sympathy. The movie tries to brighten up the scenes in concentration camps, make Winslet look all pretty, and tries to do what the rest of Germany wants you to do: forget the Holocaust. The movie's whole message is vague, if there is one, and I personally did not sympathize with one character, besides maybe Ralph Fiennes, whose depressing manner throughout seems appropriate for what he went through. Other than that, the film is well shot, but should it be? If you're going to make a film about this subject, make it bleak. Does this film deserve ANY of it's nominations? I'm not sure, but one thing I can see is this: someone at the Academy really, really like this film and I'd like his review, so I can understand what was so good about this movie.

Grade: D+

If you like The Reader, you should see....Schindler's List (a REAL Holocaust movie)

No, It's Not OK to Breast Feed in Public and Other Answers

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Gamblin' With Rubels

If you are reading this blog, then there's no doubt that you have gambled heavily before. It could have been $400 on a game of in-between-the-sheets or $100 on a woman's basketball game. It doesn't really matter. The point is, you've felt the thrill or despair or seeing an immense amount of money change hands. There are other things to gamble with than just money, though. There's food, violence, sex, or a simple act of stupidity that can be used as a prop in a bet. That's what makes gambling so great: it has no limits. I mean, I once bet on whether or not the Cubs or Cards would be in first at the end of April to wear a Cards shirt or have someone wear a Cubs shirt. Does it matter that I lost by half a game and Kerry Wood blew a 2-run save on the last day? Well, of course. But I got laid, so it's all good. Anyways, there's not much more that you can gamble with than your life. For instance, Russian Roulette. A game with deadly or sexy-awesome consequences, depending on whether or not you lose. So let's explore Russian Roulette, at least in it's fictionalized form (real Russian Roulette isn't allowed on YouTube. I know, gay). So here are the 6 Greatest Russian Roulette Games in Movie History. Let's cock it and rock it.

6. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
The Match Up: Robert Downey Jr.'s Harry Lockhart against Rockmund Dunbar's Mr. Fire.
Used For: The game is used as a interrogation technique to get RDJ's prisoner to talk. Unfortunately, for Rockmund, RDJ doesn't really know the rules. Or doesn't follow them. I don't know, I think Downey was still in his "to rehab and back" phase.
The Result: RDJ loads one round into his Magnum and spins the barrel not once, but twice. Then, before his prisoner can even answer, RDJ fires a round into that big black man's head like it ain't a thing. Because you know what? It isn't. Even the always mellow Val Kilmer can't believe that Downey doesn't know the rules of interrogation. For instance, you need to be alive to answer a question. After Kilmer zoned in on his Sherpa like qualities, the gay character he plays (or is, you decide) and Downey high-tail out of there like Usain Bolt running from the cops. What? I didn't just say that because he's black. I'm just saying, the cops could never catch him. Unless they shot him. But that doesn't seem fair.
If you haven't seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, please do. It is one of the top 5 underrated movies of the 00's. Here's the clip of RDJ, Val, and Mr Fire playing the always-fun game. It's in Russian, but that seems fitting rather than annoying:


5. Arizona Dream (1993)
The Match Up: Johnny Depp's Axel Blackmar against Paulina Porizkova's Grace. Axel vs. Grace. Not exactly top billing at Wrestlemania.
Used For: Both are depressed and don't have the guts to end each other's misery, so they did whatever any young adults do when they get down: play "suicide or no suicide."
The Result: Luckily (well, not for the audience), neither character has the gun discharge during the game. Johnny Depp does cheat by shooting the gun three times in a row, but still, the bastard is luckier than a hobo finding a winning lottery ticket. Even though they shoot 4 of the 6 possible chambers out, not one of them contained the fateful bullet. What's odd about the scene is that Johnny Depp comes in with the gun and it's the girl's idea to play. Who SUGGESTS they play Russian Roulette? And she does it like it's nothing, making JD look like a little man bitch when it comes to his turn and he nearly punks out. The real kicker: they have sex immediately after. Am I missing something? How are their lives not exciting and awesome? They gamble with their lives then fuck like their lives depended on it. Could you even IMAGINE the rush you'd get after surviving Russian Roulette? It'd be like pitching a no-hitter for the Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series at Wrigley against the Yankees and only up 1-0. Or taking the walk of shame out of Jessica Alba's house with her husband just getting back home with their kid. Or finding White Castle after all those adventures. Ahhh. Makes me want it to be April so I can get a few sliders, watch the Cubs, and check out the latest issue of Maxim.
The scene is strange. That's really all I can say.


4. Leon (1994)
The Match Up: A very young Natalie Portman (too young to even make a sex joke about) against a very French, robust Jean Reno as hitman Leon. He's a professional.
Used For: Natalie Portman is trying to provoke, Leon, a hitman, to admit he loves her (not platonically either. dude, she's like 12, he'd tear her up. oops, there goes the sex joke). Thank God he doesn't, that would just be too R. Kelly for this movie.
The Result: Leon, seeing that the young Padme was serious, and that he needed to preserve the force, smacked the gun away right as she pulled the trigger and it discharged. What would have done without that terribly sexy Jewish actress that has made classics like The Other Boyeln Girl and My Blueberry Nights> (Just kidding, I love NP). But what was ol' Nat thinking? She even asks Jean Reno to be her first, which is like turning 21 and going out drinking with your Grandma (although mine probably would have drank me under the table). Jean Reno is being nice to enough to look after you since your parents died, not to mention teaching you, a 12 year old, how to effectively kill people and get away with it. What do you do? Put a gun to your head and threaten to shoot yourself because he won't destroy your woman parts? Grow up, Evey. I like you better when you grow up and shave your head (not gonna lie: Natty is still hot with the shaved head, I don't care if she looks like a concentration camp victim. Also, would that be taking role playing too far? Jewish concentration camp inmate with commanding German guard? Do tell).
I was 8 at the time of this movie. IF you were so desperate, I would have gone through puberty in 6.7 seconds and been more ready than a pedofile at Disney World.


3. 13 Tzameti (2005)
The Match Up: 13 different men against each other...at the same time. Now THAT'S Entertainment!
Used For: The 13 men are part of a deadly gambling event organized by deadly gamblers who bet on who will survive, with the winner get an immense amount of money, while the others make like G-Baby in Hardball.
The Result: Well, someone, the main character stole the invitation from his dying neighbor, so that's what you get for stealing kids! But anyways, he gets in the game but ends up winning, walking away with almost a million Euro's for surviving 4 rounds of Russian Roulette, even though they add a bullet every round. This guy must be luckier than a leprechaun shitting rabbit's feet. I was going to put this number one until I realized I'd never heard of it and, while the execution of the scene is great, it doesn't stack up to the top two. This guy could walk into any bar, anywhere and just go up to a group of 5 nineteen year old blonde sorority girls and be like "Excuse me ladies, I just won a million dollars in a russian roulette game and figured, hey, if I can shoot a loaded gun at my head 4 times in a row and win money for it, why can't I buy 5 pretty girls a round of whatever they wanted while I decide what to do with my money." Twelve hours later, he'd have 500,000 Euros left with an empty pack of Trojan's and an STD. Ahhhhh, to dream.
I haven't seen the movie, but I suspect if they added the last part of my rant, I'd probably Netflix that quicker than you could say "free carl lee".


2. 187 (1997)
The Match Up: Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson against Clifton Collins, Jr. as Cesar Sanchez. Nothing like a cliche Hispanic name for a guy who has a strangely coincidenced white hick name.
Used For: Cesar is a disgruntled inner city student who wants to do the right thing and pin his friends' murder on his teacher, SLJ. They play the game of Russian Roulette for honor, but mainly to give SLJ to prove a point and scream it. LOUDLY.
The Result: For a guy who plays a badass in most of his movies, Samuel sure does die alot. But not without honor. See, during the game, SLJ takes his shot but then gets so mad, he takes Cesar's shot as well, which actually kills him. Hard. Cesar, having some stupid feeling of pride or something to proveness, decided to take the next shot to make up for it, which actually kills him. What both of them don't realize is that, they both would have died anyway, just in reverse order. So SLJ proves his point but also proves the gangbanger's point: you can get what you want, as long as you use a gun. It is a rather intense scene, though, and is a very powerful ending that makes you wonder: where would Samuel Jackson rank on "The Last People I'd Play Russian Roulette With" list? Besides our numero uno lister and Eastwood, he might be 3. You can't lie, the scene is rather great, even if it is in a mediocre movie that seems like a rip-off of Dangerous Minds. Except a fierce black man instead of a hot blonde white woman.


1. The Deer Hunter (1978)
You were expecting something else?
The Match Up: Christopher Walken and De Niro against the Vietcong and once more with Christopher Walken against De Niro
Used For: Gambling and psychoticness. What? Have you SEEN Walken in this movie?
The Result: Well, for those of you that haven't seen the movie (why the hell not?), this IS the most intense prisoner of war re-enactments ever caught on cinema. In the first scene, DeNiro, Walken, and one other are forced to play the game by the Vietcong as they gamble on it. Although no one dies, it leaves Walken severely psychologically damaged upon his return to America, which would explain his subsequent movies. Later on, toward the end, Walken's character is playing others for money and is so out of it, barely recognizes DeNiro and the rest of his friends. So DeNiro challenges Walken and, in the end, Walken ends up killing himself after a moment of self-realization. The two scenes embody the experience of the American soldier in Vietnam and in their return, which is why there are so many homeless and disabled veterans. You can't expect to expect to enter a forest and out navigate a clever fox, which was what the Americans had trouble dealing with throughout Vietnam. Throughout all my sarcastic comments and stylized rants with sexy adjectives, I can honestly say that, without a doubt, Chris Walken's performance may be one of the greatest supporting performances of all time, if not the numero uno. I mean, come on, the guy had a watch stuck up his ass for years, while inventing a remote control that controls reality and organizing a deadly ping pong tournament with horrible actors. What a role.
Here are both scenes, and DeNiro insisted they used a real bullet in the chamber to make the fear real. I miss that kind of DeNiro.




Well, gents and women, I hope you enjoyed this deadly version of the blog. It was rather sexy and disturbing if I do say so myself. It just goes to show you that, if you got any in the chambers, don't blow them out too soon. If you do, it might be the last time you ever participate in such an activity. And yes, we are talking about both Russian Roulette and sex. Or, more specifically, premature ejaculation. It has been a prolific blogging year so far here at the center of all that is good. I wonder how long I can keep it up. Hopefully another 15-20. Months or Years, you perv. Well, what can I say? I do encourage offshoot thinking here at the blog rather often. I guess I'll just have to end on that and bid you personas adieu. I'll send you off with Kevin Bacon punk'n people. No lie. Faux de fa and aur revoir!