Fuck the Surgeon General's Warning

Back again, friends! Today, I present you with something so shocking, so unbelievable, that you probably won't be that shocked by it. In fact, it's pretty believable. I'm not sure why I said that. But anyways, today I've procured the 5 Most Alcoholic Spirits. It's for those nights where you just wanna end up crying on your bathroom floor. Naked. Also, my girlfriend said there's too many racist jokes on here and none about white people. So I'll include a racist joke about white people having to do with all 5 liquors. Enjoy, honky!


5. Absinthe
Naughty, Right?
Proof: 140 proof (70% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Absinthe has been much discussed here at the blog. It's Americanized version is a watered down piece of crap. The Czech Republic version is as potent as booze laced with PCP. And that's what you want to be getting. I mean, everyone loves mixing hard drugs and booze, right?! Right! So get your asses to Prague and get wild!
Racist Joke About It: A white person on absinthe would be like a Toyota stuck on accelerate: SCARY and HARD TO STOP FROM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!

4. Sierra Silver Tequila
Who Wouldn't Buy It for the Hat Alone?
Proof: 150 (75% alcohol). Because tequila isn't strong enough!
Kick In the Teeth: The good people of Mexico decided it's had enough with weak tequila and infused it with almost DOUBLE the amount of alcohol as normal tequila. Try that margarita, senor! And since tequila didn't cause enough people to make mistakes, it comes with a funny hat to make it more attractive. I mean, I'd buy it. The funny hat one or Cuervo? WHO WOULDN'T CHOOSE THE FUNNY HAT?!
Racist Joke About It: People call white sorority girls that drink alot of tequila "whores" because they are easy to sleep with and not call the next day.

3. Stroh Austrian Rum
That's Messed Up, Even For a Guy Named Edmund
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Outsmarting Bacardi 151 by adding a teeny more alcohol and a cheaper price, those Austrians sure know how to pull one over on Cuba. If only Kennedy had known how! This high proof rum is usually not drunk straight by little girly men, but more often used in Flaming Cocktails, which you can get in Austria, SoHo, or the Redder Light District.
Racist Joke About It: Date rapists are mostly white people because they have the least game of any race. Ha!

2. Devil Spring's Vodka
Wasn't There a Show About that Last Winter?
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: New Jersey, not content with just getting wasted, wanted to create a new kind of drunken state. They doubled the proof of most vodkas and created this cheap, horrible, horrible concoction. Not found in states that don't smell funny, Devil Spring's is a funny name for a vodka that is created in the closest thing to hell America has to offer. Besides maybe like Mississippi. I mean, at least New Jersey is popular for sucking. Mississippi just sucks.
Racist Joke About It: The white people from New Jersey are a bigger problem to the world than AIDS. Boom, Roasted Like a Cashew! (That joke was lame cause I'm white)

1. Everclear
As Potent As Their Rhymes!
Proof: 190 (95% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Anyone who's had Everclear knows that it is the Devil's Drink of Choice. It may as well be lighter fluid. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is. The most alcoholic drink known to man that isn't pure alcohol, Everclear is used by white frat boys to get freshman girls hammered and alcoholics to get drunk faster. Other than that, if you're drinking Everclear, prepare for not remembering your future regrets and waking up to fat people. Yup. Fat people, the worst thing since we beat Vietnam in World War 2
Racist Joke About It: An epileptic black person could dance better than the best white dancer. BUHUAHAHAHA! WHITE JOKES!

If You Liked Him Then You Should Put a Drink In Him

I'm back from an unfortunate absence here at the blog and I promise to be more regular. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But the bar scene is terribly unfair. I'm about to turn it on it's head like a penis into a vagina. What? I don't know. Here are 5 Bullshit Things About Today's Bar Scene and Solutions to These Problems

If You Don't Buy a Girl a Drink, You Can't Flirt With Her
"You know, you've got quite the overbite. That could come in handy."
Why It's Crap: I could write an entire blog about this one alone. Hell, I could write a book. Girls have taken advantage of guys buying them drinks for TOO LONG. Why should I waste $6 or more on a girl that I just met, when it will likely go nowhere? I shouldn't have to liquor a girl up to have a nice conversation about how big my penis is or what color bra she's wearing. (The answer to both: big and pink, big and pink) Booze is expensive, especially all those Fluffy Island Navel's or whatever girls are drinking these days. And let's be honest: most single girls at bars aren't worth spending $6 just to talk to.
The Solution: The next time your flirting with a girl, ask her to buy YOU a drink. If she does, then you know she likes you. And you can always offer to get the next round anyway. If she won't, then screw her. (Not literally. You're not Ben Roethliesberger) TIME TO PLAY BY OUR OWN RULES MEN.

Bars are so Loud I Have to Yell To Hear Anyone
Because You Never Know Which Bar Might Play It....
Why It's Crap: Look, I get it. People like to go out, listen to music and dance. Well, that's what clubs are for. There's nothing wrong with music on, but when you're at a bar that doesn't even have a dance floor, why does music have to be deafening. I have to scream to talk to the person next to me? How am I supposed to flirt with that barely-legal Asian chick in the corner if Def Leopard is playing louder than a Chinese vowel? There's no reason for it, especially cause the music BLOWS.
The Solution: Create more pub-style bars, so there is a difference in this country between pubs, bars, and clubs. If I wanna go out and just chill with my friends, I don't want fucking "Bad Romance" playing for the 45th time that night overtaking my eardrums like a Nazi mine field. More bars should have karaoke anyway.

Overpriced Drinks
I Bet If You Replaced It With Cristal, You Wouldn't Even Know the Difference
Why It's Crap: On the weekends, when most people go out, bars rarely have anything on special and charge mucho prices for liquor-based drinks. It's a recession, motherfuckers! I'm not paying $8 for a vodka/cranberry and no, I'm not on my period! You need to have female sex organs for that! And....oh, I see what you're doing, that was an insult. Haha. But seriously, I know that tonic water doesn't cost $3 for half a glass. I'd rather get scurvy then pay that for it!
Solution: Buy 40s and drink on the stoop. Works for blacks.

Jagerbombs Specials
Why I Stopped Drinking Jager
Why It's Shit: Jagerbombs blow. Fuck jager. It's German, meaning you're supporting Nazism and the destruction of humor. Why can't they have specials on GOOD shots? Like, say, straight up JACK. Jagerbombs are for pussies who can't drink alcohol unless it tastes like a Sweet Tart. And they are hogging all the deals at bars.
Solution: Start a political party that's like the Tea Party but more like the Whiskey Party. Because Tea sucks. And so do they.

Slut's and Ho's
Look On the Bright Side, Kid. She gave me a good blowjob. Wait...that sucks for you. Hahahahahaha.
Why It's Shit: Half the people that go to the bars these days are skank asses dressed like Miley in the nude photoshoot. Look, I get it girls. Your boobs look great while they're hanging out and those skintight dresses shows off your fat ass. Blah blah blah. You aren't flattering yourself, guys that are looking for something short and one-nightish will always gravitate towards you.
Solution: Dress code for bars: sweetpants, hoodies, and slippers. Bam, the pajama bar. Wait, that's a pretty good idea.

Yes, I Know It's April Fools Day But I'm Not In the Mood to Fool You. Or Am I? and Other Solved Mind Puzzles: The April Mailbag

Another month, another mailbag. When you have nothing else to depend on, the mailbag will always be there at the beginning of the month to give you some disturbing escapism. So as I take a break from losing bets to my girlfriend and preparing for my Irish Conquest of London next week, I present you with your favorite segment: The April Mailbag. WELCOME TO THE SHIT!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'VE HAD TOO MUCH RED BULL

Q: Is Easter the worst holiday of the year once you age? I mean, after a while the baskets and eggs get lame. And a giant bunny? Come on!
--B. Manumaleuna, Chicago, IL
A: Easter is a rather lame holiday, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. After all, it's prime time for brunch. And only losers hate brunch. Although church is quite boring to go to....I guess there is no although. That's all I got.

Q: Any predictions for the Cubs this year?
--T. Hatcher, Wistoria Lane, SpellCheckDoesn'tCoverFakeStreetNames.
A: Yes, I predict that for every loss I will lose 20 minutes off my life due to unnecessary stress. So that's 1,600 minutes off my life. That's my prediction. Do the math. Or don't.

Q: If there was a global apocalypse, and you could only save one brewery or liquor distillery, what would be? Also, what animal would you most want to assist you on your post-apocalyptic journey?
--K. Powers, HBO
A: Well, if there's only gonna be one, it's gonna be liquor. After all, there's not gonna be any sex, no new TV episodes, no sports, no nothing. You're gonna wanna get loaded..alot. And whiskey will always do the trick quite nicely. Give me the Jameson brewery open and I say Happy Apocalypse! As for the animal, monkey is never the wrong answer. But if you could train a cheetah, that'd be awesome. You wouldn't even need a car! But if there's an apocalypse and I'm the last man standing, then god hates you all.

Q: What is the socially acceptable protocol for drinking on an airplane?
--J. Garcia, Montpellier, Vermont
A: This depends on many factors. Are you alone? With kids? Are you going on vacation? I say if you're on vacation without kids, then divide the number of hours your flight is in half. Maybe add one. Hell, you're on vacay, why's there a limit? Go wild, I say. If you are with kids though, just be sneaky about it. You don't want to look like a bad example or anything.

Q: Why do girls hate anal sex so much? What did anal sex ever do to them? Gay men do it, so if girls really wanted equality, they'd do it.
--ABBA, Stockholm, Sweden.
A: Girls hate anal sex because they've been brainwashed. Brainwashed by men, who have made it seem disgusting to do it, als turning girls off. If men didn't talk about it like it was some accomplishment or anything, then girls might be more open to it. But no. This is one thing that porn has ruined. And let me tell you something about porn: it's good. I mean, if the internet shut down, what would be the first thing you'd think of? "WHERE'S THE PORN GONE?!?!"

Q: All I hear is "Tiger Woods apologizes for this, Tiger Woods apologizes for that." I could give two shits about your apology. Why's he apologizing to me for banging other women? Eff that. I wanna know how he did it! How can you balance that many women for that long? Most men fail trying to balance two!
--V. Hudgens, Disneyland.
A: He's apologizing because the media is one crazy feeding frenzy pouncing and he wants them to go away. As for how he balanced that many women, who knows. The dude won the Masters on one leg. I'm sure balancing ho's wasn't too hard compared to that. Also: He has lots of money.

Q: What's a bigger faux pas: drunkenly hooking up with the boss' daughter at the company Christmas party or drunkenly hooking up with his son at the company Christmas party?
--R. Martin, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: Um. Well, you should absolutely never shit where you eat, so to speak. And that will have a double meaning if you hook up with the son. So go with the girl. Nobody likes poop all over the place.

Q: I've noticed a disturbing trend. So I've had 4 girlfriends in the last 2 years...and none of them know how to cook! Are women slowly refraining from learning how to cook food well?
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: As more and more women turn to the working world, less no how to cook. This is indeed a horrible, horrible trend. We've all feared equality for a long time and this is the worst pitfall of it all. And with the proliferation of take-out places and fast-food restaurants, it's only gonna get worse. You know what else it means? More fat girls. Yup. This is what equality is getting us, men. Fat girls and Crappy food.

Q: With baseball/fantasy baseball fast approaching, what are the chances that your girlfriend smashes your iPhone against the wall? And couple that with the World Cup this summer, how is she gonna get through it? I'm asking for suggestion for her.
--T. Thigpen, Miami, FL.
A: Hahaha. Here's a hint: if she breaks my phone, I will turn into a Hulk-like monstrosity of epically angerlicious proportions. Here's what she can do: thank god that the Cubs play a ton of day games, in which she will be at camp. South Africa, where the World Cup is held, is 7 hours ahead. Which means most of the games will be at 2-3 AM and she'll be sleeping. But since I'm such a nice boyfriend, I'll set up Easter Egg hunts to keep her busy all summer longggggggggg. For instance, putting something on the top shelf. HOW WILL YOU GET IT? Well, that is the question, isn't it?

Q: What's the age where you stop buying beer based on price, and start buying it for flavor?
--B. White's Ghost, Heaven.
A: I say once you have graduated from college and have a real job in which you can afford good beer, that's when you should start buying beer based on flavor. Natty Light and all that crap should be left in college. Give me a good Guinness or Killians? Now we're talking.

Q: What are your thoughts on licking your own nipples? Do you?
Usher, Los Angeles, CA.
A: How in the name of hell do you think I would lick my nipples? Do you think I have some sort of bionic neck? If I did, I wouldn't be licking my nipples. Shit. I've said too much. As for you guys, if you're a female and you can do it, well by all means take advantage of the god-given ability in everywhere possible. If you're a male and can do it, well by all means take advantage of that, since you probably won't be interacting with the opposite sex much.

Q: In a car, what's better for car sex: leather or cloth seats?
--E. Hardy, San Fransisco, CA.
A: I'd have to say cloth. It's smooth, makes less noise, and allows for better maneuvering I would imagine. Leather would be all uncomfortable too, just for sitting on I'd imagine. But that's just my opinion. I'm just a boy...standing in front of car...wanting to have sex in it.

Q: When was your first sleepover and where? And why is pizza packed in a square box? THINK ABOUT IT!
--S. Lejman, Bloomington, IL.
A: Interesting questions with even interestinger answers. Pizza is packed in a square box because how the hell would you get it out of the box if it fit exactly into the box? That'd be anarchy! Plus, I'd imagine that circular boxes aren't too commonly made and are likely more expensive. My first sleep over wa back when I was 10-11 years old and it was with an old friend of mine, let's call her "Lindsay." Eventually we grew apart, but the sleepover wasn't the only first that night! She was quite the Mean GIrl. That was quite a Freaky Friday. I hear she's a movie star now. Good for her.

Q: Here are the 5 most dangerous questions girls can ask: "What are you thinking?" "Do You Love Me?" "Do I look fat?" "Is she prettier than me?" "What would you do if I died?" What are the correct answers to these questions, since men has failed to grasp the answer as of yet.
--P. Diddy, New York, NY.
A: Wrong Answers: "Porn." "You're so nice..." "Those jeans make your butt look flabby." "She's a swimsuit model, what do you think?" "I'd probably go after your best friend for some grief sex." Correct Answers: "What I'm gonna get you for your birthday." "Like Pooh loves honey." "You couldn't look fat if you ate an entire pig!" "You're the prettiest girl this side of the equator!" "I would kill myself." White lies keep girls with guys. (copyrighted)

Q: What is the absolute worst food/drink combo that you could eat or drink when hungover?
--J. Bieber, Cheyenne, WY.
A: I always thought eggs were the worst thing you could possibly have hungover. Ugh. Your digestive system already hates you. And eggs? Ugh. Couple that with a glass of milk and I think you'd be on a one-way road to diarrhea town. Poop joke!

Q: What's the one booze you've never had that you most want to try? Do you think you ever actually will?
--Z. Galifawhatever, Los Fransisco, Can.
A: As an avid watcher of Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel, his visit to Laos inspired me to want to try this rice liquor Lao Lao. It sounds like motor oil mixed with alcohol mixed with llama piss. It makes me all giddy inside. Realistically, I'll probably never try it. But hey, that's what I thought about my chances of having sex with a midget and that's happened. So you never know I guess!

Q: Isn't it too hard to have sex while both of you are covered in butter and oil? I think you'd be a slipin' and slidin' all over the place!
--J. Aniston, DesperationLand, USA.
A: What the...I believe you would sir. I'm more prone to Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I don't care if it's on me or the girl or my ice cream that chocolate is going into my mouth PRONTO. Like now, motherfucker. Butter? What are you, a waffle? That's disgusting. (squirts chocolate sauce into mouth straight from the bottle)

Q: We all know vodka's the best alcohol for mixing....but what's the worst?
--H. Katrina, New Orleans, LA.
A: It has to be absinthe. Oh my god, there is NOTHING you can mix that shit with. It was made for you to taste how shitty it tastes No. Matter. What. Literally, google absinthe mixers and they'll say water. WATER?! Watered-down absinthe, hooray, now it tastes like watered down ass instead of just ass. But absinthe is a good time, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I love absinthe.

Q: I was thinking the other day while watching (insert any women's "sport" here) that "these players seems drunk they're playing so bad!" What would be the funniest sport to actually watch with all the players really drunk?
--R. Hianna, Birmingham, AL.
A: Hahaha. That is a great idea. You'd want a sport that there could potentially be a lot of pain. I think football would be almost too much. Baseball would just be boring. It would have to be hockey, wouldn't it? People skating all over the place, falling down flat on their faces, going for checks and just smashing into the plexiglass. That would be comedy gold! Somebody spike the Red Wings' Gatorade!

Q: OK, Big Question Here. I was browsing the web, like always, just google searching flexibility for this physics dissertation I'm working on. I came across this picture
My Question Is This: How do I get my Girlfriend to do this?
--Some Guy, Everywhere.
A: God, I wish I took gymnastics. The answer is....you don't. Nobody actually gets to have sex with female gymnasts. It's a myth. A beautiful, sexy myth. Oh, come hither Nastia.........