You Have Insulted My Honor, I Challenge You to a Duel!!

That's right, two posts in two days. And since my posts lately have been all about movies, music, and Hollywood, I'm switching it up for your benefit. From now on my posts will deal with awesome death, strange animal sex position, and cute teddy bears that turn evil at the most unexpected time. So what's one thing you don't know much about but is pretty bad ass? Obviously the answer is dueling. That's right. 10 steps back, turn around , BAM! You are dead motherfucker. Maybe it's with swords? Maybe a sledgehammer? Maybe pork sausage infected with cholera? It doesn't matter because someone's gonna get it. So without further adieu, here are the 6 Greatest Duels EVER.

6. Mackenna v. Carrera, 1814
Backstory: Senor Carrera was a brother of a Chilean revolutionary who challenged this Mackenna character to a duel since he was long insulting the family name. It was the third time the pair dueled, as there was a spicy animosity between the two shooters. Mackenna had run away from the previous two duels, so doing so a third time would obviously harm his reputation. In Spanish, they would call him a chucha, roughly translated to "pussy" or "cunt". Name drop that Spanish profanity next time a senorita makes you a bit angry. Trust me, when said out loud, it sounds like a dance or something. "Senorita, you grande chucha, let's dance or go upstairs and....ya know...huh, huh?" Ehem, sorry, I may have gotten a little off point there.
The Victor: Go figure, Carerra won after Mackenna missed his shot and then Carerra shot through Mackenna's hand and into his neck, killing him. Although the joke ended up being on both of them, as Mackenna was part of a secret society that was running the government. Carerra was arrested the next day and thrown in jail. Someone write a script for this already!
In a shocking change of pace, there will be no YouTube videos or media of any kind (not even pictures!). I know, shocking is an understatement.

5. Le Gris v. Carrouges, 1386
Backstory: Carrouges was a much respected knight in 14th century France. While away at battle, Le Gris, a knight and notorious womanizer, raped Carrouges wife. When trial came around, it just so happened that a good buddy of Le Gris' was the judge and acquitted him of all charges. So Carrouges, in a rare act of bravery from anyone or anything French, went to the King of France and got him to agree to a "judicial duel." In what can only be described as extremely badass, the judicial duel, which is basically a Get-Out-Of-Murder Free Card, went on with the entire nation's government being put on hold to watch the duel. (Kinda reminds you of Hilary/Obama, don't it?) So on July 9th, a week after my -600 year old birthday, a mandatory duel to the death was ordered. If that's not enough, Carrouges' wife would be burnt at the stake if he lost, as that would somehow prove she made the rape story up. If you ever ask what people did for entertainment before TV, this is your answer. But are historians sure this happened between two Frenchmen?
Winner: After both men's horses were "disemboweled" (yes, it is as cool as it sounds), the two men scuffled until Carrouges was stabbed in the thigh. Even though Le Gris was much stronger and Carrouges had a knife in his leg, Carrouges wrestled him to the ground, tore off Le Gris' face plate, and screamed at him to admit his guilt. (Kind of like in A Few Good Men when Tom Cruise is badgering Nicholson "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?! DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?!) As Le Gris wouldn't admit it, Carrouges stabbed him in the neck, killing him instantly. He then received gold, money, land, and presumably, a reputation that if you mess with his wife, you will get stabbed in the neck repeatedly.

4. Broderick v. Terry, 1859
Backstory: Broderick was a member of the Senate and Terry was a former Chief Justice. In a disagreement over slavery, Broderick was against making Cali a slave state. Terry lost his re-election bid due to his pro-slavery platform and blamed the loss on Broderick and his stance on slavery. Terry then made some less than flattering remarks about how the only reason Broderick doesn't support slavery is because Broderick "went black and couldn't go back", resulting in an angry Broderick and 150 years of black people bragging about their sexual prowess. (That's why the CIA gave them crack) All kidding aside, tensions rose and the duel date was set for a meeting at Lake Merced, just outside San Fran.
The Winner: Broderick's gun discharged early, right into the ground. That basically meant he had to stand there and get shot without being able to move, unless he wanted to be called a little Nancy boy by his Congressmates. Broderick was shot and died 3 days later. If only his first name was Matthew, maybe we never would have had to watch that terrible Godzilla remake. His death was one of many small events that led to Civil War.

3. Voloshin v. Gumilyov, 1909
Backstory: This one's pretty funny. When Gumilyov returned from his travels in Europe, he feel in love through what we'll call "hot mail sex" with a woman named Cherubina de Gabriak. Only problem is that Gabriak didn't exist, as it was just a literary pseudonym for a disabled school teacher along with poet Max Voloshin. Gumilyov became understandably upset and went to Voloshin, slapping him in the face which basically meant "Bitch, we're dueling." The duel was set and the two men met on the banks of the Chernaya River in late November.
Winner: Voloshin was a peace-loving hippie type, so he wanted no part in this. So on the way, he came up with a plan to lose one of his shoes in the snow. He claimed the duel couldn't take place until the shoe was found. Soon enough, everyone spent a very long time looking for the shoe, making it psychologically impossible to participate. It's kinda like a pitcher rolling along and then a rain delay comes and everything gets fucked up. So really, the only winner her is Voloshin because he broke Gumilyov's heart AND outsmarted him to get out of the revenge duel. It's more about the story here than the result.

2. Pushkin v. D'Anthnes, 1837
Backstory: Pushkin is widely regarded as the greatest Russian poet ever, or the only one, I'm not sure. Anyways, D'Anthnes, a French officer, was giving it to Pushkin's wife behind his back. In a last ditch effort to avoid a duel, D'Anthnes married Pushkin's sister-in-law, which is comparable to apologizing to someone for a car accident and giving them fake insurance information. Most believe that the affair was just a rumor started by two homosexual princes who wanted revenge on D'Anthnes for having a homosexual affair with the Ambassador to Holland. That's not a joke. Anyway Pushkin formally challenged the bisexual French lieutenant and the duel was on like D'Anthnes on the Ambassador.
Winner: The duel was short and sweet. D'Anthnes shot first and hit Pushkin in the stomach, wounding him badly. Pushkin shot back and grazed D'Anthnes' arm, not very badly at all. Pushkin died and D'Anthnes was arrested since dueling was illegal. However, he was pardoned by the Emperor since Pushkin bashed him so badly in his poetry. He returned to France to enjoy a successful political career, including being an assistant to Napoleon. However, due to the gravity of the situation and the hardheadness of the communist bastard Russians, D'Anthnes is the most cursed character in Russian literature. I compare this, as a Cubs fan to watching a Cardinals vs. White Sox game. I hate both teams, or ethnicities in this case, so it really doesn't matter who wins. A double death would have been awesome here.

1. Burr v. Hamilton, 1804
Backstory: Burr was the Vice President and Hamilton was the Secretary of the Treasury. Hamilton cost Burr a preisdential nomination in 1800. Some dude related to Hamilton released a letter in which he explained how Hamilton felt about Burr. The two quaralled with words about this for a while, both wanting an apology from the other. After a while, Burr's just like "Fuck this! We're dueling Hammy!" Hamilton accepted, in which most historians describe as a "suicidal" move as Burr was "murderous and malicious." Makes you wonder why dueling is illegal now, doesn't it? The duel was set for July at the Palisades in New Jersey. All people attending were given plausible deniability, as dueling was illegal. It's kinda like if Dick Cheney and Colin Powell got into a fist fight in the oval office. Except with guns.
The Winner: As a sign of courage sometimes, duelists would fire into the ground, to show they weren't afraid of a return shot and the other duelist would do the same. Hamilton fired his shot into the air, which Burr saw a sign of foolishness instead of courage. In what certainly was a magic bullet, Burr's shot hit Hamilton in the lower abdomen, bounced off his 2nd and 3rd rib, fracturing those, and hit some vital organs such as the liver and diaphragm, and eventually ending up lodged in his spine. He collapsed instantly and died. Burr was actually charged with murder in New York and Jersey but the charges were quickly dropped. Some question the duel, as Hamilton was a manic depressive with psychological problems and Burr was certifiably insane with blood lust.

That concludes my awesome post on the greatness of dueling. Don't get me wrong, dueling isn't that morally right. But neither am I. Imagine if you could still challenge someone to a duel. That would be so awesome. They could be on Pay Per View! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this more than my previous, like 30 posts on movies. No more posts on music and movies for the rest of 2008, I promise. We will get original over here in our work. Look for my very important column soon on monkey 's favorite sex positions! Until then, I'll be lobbying to re-legalize dueling. Peace my bro's and sis's!