Right now, American soldiers are dying in Iraq. Children are starving in Africa while their parents battle HIV. French people are still alive. American Idol is coming back next January. So often, the biggest tragedies in life are the ones that end it. They are the 7-year old's caught in crossfires. The perfect kid who died young because of crazy circumstances. Four teenagers getting hit by a drunk driver and the driver being the only survivor. Life's not all peaches and cream, as you've probably figured out by now. One day, you're going to mutter your last word on this Earth. Today, in honor of the season, I'll examine the people who used those last words to their utmost ability. Whether it be ironic, touching, funny, or just defiant, there are The 7 Best Last Words. Oh, the title of the blog tells you my last words.
7. "I'm ashamed of you dodging that way, they couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."
Who Said It? Civil War General Jon Sedgwick
Why's it so good? Perhaps the most ironic thing anyone has ever said, as Gen. Sedgwick was struck with a bullet to the head moments later. Some say he didn't even finish the sentence. This quote shows you why you should never get too cocky. Chances are, the bullet wasn't even aimed at him, it just managed to find it's way through the air and hit him square in the head right after he finished this bizarrely ironic quote. Future President Ulysses S. Grant, at the scene, was so astonished that he said "Um, Is he really dead?". Crazy.
6. "Friends applaud, the comedy is finished"
Who said it? Composer Ludwig Van Beethoven
Why's it so good? Well, this quote would have been shite if said by anyone else. Not to mention the fact that he couldn't even hear their applause. If all our lives were as interesting as Beethoven's, the perscription drug industry would rule the world. However, Beethoven's life was filled with numerous hardships that would make anyone crazy. Yet the man produced some of the most beautiful works of music ever produced. So applaud people, even if you weren't friends.
5. "Get out! Last words are for those who haven't said enough."
Who Said It? Communist Manifesto author Karl Marx
Why's it so good? Although I hate Marx, his last words ring true. As his maid wanted to write down some prophetic thought that would be remembered for years, Marx dismissed her. His last line is so true. Those who think they need last words to be immortalized haven't done enough in life to warrant rememberence. Ironically and unfortunately for Marx, his last words are remembered anyway. Tough break, Karl. Maybe you shouldn't have invented communism you fat Russian bastard.
4. "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martini's."
Who Said It? Legendary Actor and Casablanca star, Humphrey Bogart
Why's it so good? Putting my love of alcohol aside, Bogart's line leaves nothing to the imagination. Besides, why would any sane man switch from scotch to martini's? Vodka is for women. Unless he was having Gin Martini's, which are just plain disgusting---like pure gasoline, Bogart never should have packed it in. I just put this quote on here so you don't make the same mistake Boggie did. Martini's will be the end of you. Trust me, they drove my grandma over the edge.
3. "Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well, let 'em wait"
Who Said It? American Revolutionary War General Ethan Allen, also founded the store. Maybe.
Why's it so good? His doctor was telling him that angels are waiting for him as he said this. The ultimate defiance. Let angels wait? On YOU? Wow. This is definitely I would say, but not while I'm dying, more like when someone's waiting for me. Anyways, Allen's refusal to let the angels take him a moment before he's ready is funny for one reason: these are his last words. So the angels basically said "GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR MISTER, BEFORE I SMACK THAT BOTTOM TIL IT'S RED!" You do not want to piss off angels because then you're going to hell. Trust me, I already made a few angry.
2. "30 good ones are better than 60 shitty ones."
Who Said it? Alledgedly John Lennon, but if not him, I'll say it when I die at 30
Why's it so good? Because it's so true. Not everyone gets to live like a fucking rock star for any part of their lives. If your lucky enough to find happiness for an extended period of time, then you sir have lived longer and better than anyone. People say that they are happy, but most of the time they aren't. Being on tour around the world as a musical demi-god, hanging out with your friends drinking, doing drugs, and chilling, and being madly in love. That is happiness. Some say not. Those some are lying. So if you get to live 25 good years and you look over at some 63 year old alcoholic who had a terrible life, just remember that you had it good. Not everyone does.
1. "This is no time to make new enemies."
Who Said It? French Enlightenment writer Voltaire
Why's it #1? Well, at first it looks OK. But as a priest asks him to renounce Satan on his deathbed, this is what Voltaire said. Nevermind that he's French, imagine the look on the priest's face as he said this. But it's true. Chances are, your already on God's bad side. The last thing you want to do is piss off Satan anymore than he already is. Have you seen hell? It is humid, fiery, and people torture you for eternity. So wouldn't you rather have your torturer be named Frank than Brutus Maximus? Voltaire, although French, is the most clever deathbed sayer guy. It's too bad the French haven't won anything since.
Aside from my insults directed at the French, I think this was a rather civilized blog today. I must be doing something wrong then. I'll be back before you know it (think about that phrase, "before you know it". How does that make sense in any way? Before you know what? Before you know i'll be back? Well, obviously! Ugh, I'm confused) Anyways, enjoy your respective Halloween's and stay exactly the same as you are until I return.
Do svidaniya!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Last Song on the Playlist, First in Your Heart
Everybody has their guilty pleasures. Some enjoy bad movies. Some enjoy stupid reality TV. Fat people like chocolate, bad TV, and bad movies. However, music seems to take a special place in our hearts, as our lives really can be defined by a playlist. Ever hear a song and think "god, did they write that about me?" Well, it happens to me all the time. There are some songs though that weren't written about you. Or anyone. Or anything, really. These are the 7 Best Worst Songs. The songs that are horribly catchy, awesomely annoying, and everytime you hear it you want to just sing it really loud but are wayyyyyy too embarrassed. Be embarrassed no more. Sing. But read this first.
7. 4 Non Blondes, "What's Up?"
Why's it bad? Well, when your chorus is "hey hey hey hey hey a what's going on?" you may want to think about hiring a newsongwriter or stop using heroin. They lyrics are really nonsensical as "Getting really high and screaming at the top of my lungs a what's going on?" is not something a sane person would do.
Why it's secretly good? Like all the songs on this list, "What's Up?" has only lived on due to drunk karaoke singing. It's easy to sing, it's catchy, and people go "Hey! I know this song!" when they hear it. Although it may live on in infamy, it will live on. Which is more than you can say for most songs.
Video: "What's Up?"
6. Europe, "The Final Countdown"
Why's it bad? If you haven't looked at the lyrics, I did for you. Nobody would guess it, but this song's actually about space travel. That's right, those lyrics in between the amazing chorus are "Heading to Venus but we'll stand tall". Also, this song is like 4 and a half minutes and the lyrics page is like 12 lines long. So, they weren't very creative.
Why it's secretly good? Ummm, have you heard the synthesizer in the background? Rarely can a song with so little to say actually say so much. It is one of the biggest "pump up songs" of all time and is Gob's theme song. (Bonus points if you understand that.)
Video:
5. Tommy Tutone, "867-5309"
Why's it bad? Besides the fact that it must have spurred a number of prank calls to the very number, it's a song in which the chorus is a PHONE NUMBER! "Jenny, don't change your number, 8675309" That is not a lyric. That is something you say when....actually, no, nobody would ever say that to be honest. It's simply idiotic. "I got your number on the wall"? A tad creepy, no?
Why it's secretly good? Who really cares about the lyrics in the end? The song's catchy, the band's name is strangely inventive, and at least the numbers rhyme. It's better than "555-8836". You can't blame the band for creating such a catchy pop song, no matter how weird, stupid, and useless the lyrics are. They are basically saying "Shut up and enjoy or just shut up".
Video:
4. Dexy's Midnight Runners, "Come on Eileen"
Why's it bad? Under the catchy chorus, people often fail to realize how dirty and disgusting this song really is. This song is actually about coming on Eileen. And I mean coming with a "u" instead of an "o". "Come on, Eileen, I swear well he means, Ah come on let's take off everything". Now I've got nothing against songs about sex, but when you don't insert good grammar and one of the lyrics is "Go Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye" WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Why it's secretly good? Like the list, it's catchy. You can sing it, dance to it, or tell people what it's really about and see them look shocked. As dirty as the song may be, at least they had to courage to actually write and sing it.
Video:
3. LFO, "Summer Girls" tied w/ LFO, "Every Other Time
Why they're bad? If you have heard any LFO lyric ever written, then you know why these songs are on the list. Although Summer Girls got more airplay, Every Other Time is just as nonsensical. "Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking, Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton". Perhaps the group with the most dumb songs in the history of music, LFO seemed to defined this list. "Come On Eileen"? This is way worse.
Why they're secretly good? Because it's LFO and they're lyrics make you feel smart. They are so dumb, so nonsensical, that it doesn't even matter. It's like a car accident you can't look away from, only for your ears. Somehow, they make it work. Sort of.
Video(s):
2. The Proclaimers, "I Would Walk 500 Miles"
Why's it bad? The lyrics are very repetitive, lack imigination, and nobody would really walk 500 miles. Plus, if you listen to this song too much you will blow out your brains. "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more". I think not, that's like New York City to St. Louis. When the redeeming factor of your song is found in the lyrics "DA-DA-DA-DA", you may have problems.
Why it's secretly good? Because who doesn't like screaming out the redeeming lyrics? Sure, it may not be the smartest set of words put together, but sometimes less is more. Besides, the title is more of a metaphor for love, I think. I hope. Advice: don't sing this song by yourself at Karaoke Night. You will look like an asshole.
1. Jefferson Starship, "We Built This City"
Why's it bad? Because it is. It's the kind of shitty pop music that is simply made to sell records, not entertain. "Marconi plays the mamba"? Yea, so does my mom. Who the hell is Marconi? Why is there a traffic report in the middle of the song? "It's just another Sunday, in a tired old street, police have got the chokehold, and we just lost the beat." I could spend hours telling you how stupid that very line of music is. But then I would go insane.
Why it's secretly good? As much as the world hates to admit it, there is no song ever made that is a song people love to hate. It's like a good actor playing a villian. Except in this case, the villian is a band that has changed their name seemingly so you'd forget who they were and like them again, and the victim being '80s rock music. But who wouldn't like to build a city on rock n roll? That would be a pretty badass city.
Video:
I hope you enjoyed (or didn't) these 7 horribly awesome songs. I will be back soon enough to quench your thirst for the facts. Remember, others lists are a matter of opinion. Mine? Fact. Now that I have YouTube as another tool in my "Arsenal of Awesomeness", there is nothing that can stop me from becoming the most important blogger on the internet. Except Adriana Huffington. She's pretty popular.
Adios, hermana!
7. 4 Non Blondes, "What's Up?"
Why's it bad? Well, when your chorus is "hey hey hey hey hey a what's going on?" you may want to think about hiring a newsongwriter or stop using heroin. They lyrics are really nonsensical as "Getting really high and screaming at the top of my lungs a what's going on?" is not something a sane person would do.
Why it's secretly good? Like all the songs on this list, "What's Up?" has only lived on due to drunk karaoke singing. It's easy to sing, it's catchy, and people go "Hey! I know this song!" when they hear it. Although it may live on in infamy, it will live on. Which is more than you can say for most songs.
Video: "What's Up?"
6. Europe, "The Final Countdown"
Why's it bad? If you haven't looked at the lyrics, I did for you. Nobody would guess it, but this song's actually about space travel. That's right, those lyrics in between the amazing chorus are "Heading to Venus but we'll stand tall". Also, this song is like 4 and a half minutes and the lyrics page is like 12 lines long. So, they weren't very creative.
Why it's secretly good? Ummm, have you heard the synthesizer in the background? Rarely can a song with so little to say actually say so much. It is one of the biggest "pump up songs" of all time and is Gob's theme song. (Bonus points if you understand that.)
Video:
5. Tommy Tutone, "867-5309"
Why's it bad? Besides the fact that it must have spurred a number of prank calls to the very number, it's a song in which the chorus is a PHONE NUMBER! "Jenny, don't change your number, 8675309" That is not a lyric. That is something you say when....actually, no, nobody would ever say that to be honest. It's simply idiotic. "I got your number on the wall"? A tad creepy, no?
Why it's secretly good? Who really cares about the lyrics in the end? The song's catchy, the band's name is strangely inventive, and at least the numbers rhyme. It's better than "555-8836". You can't blame the band for creating such a catchy pop song, no matter how weird, stupid, and useless the lyrics are. They are basically saying "Shut up and enjoy or just shut up".
Video:
4. Dexy's Midnight Runners, "Come on Eileen"
Why's it bad? Under the catchy chorus, people often fail to realize how dirty and disgusting this song really is. This song is actually about coming on Eileen. And I mean coming with a "u" instead of an "o". "Come on, Eileen, I swear well he means, Ah come on let's take off everything". Now I've got nothing against songs about sex, but when you don't insert good grammar and one of the lyrics is "Go Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye" WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Why it's secretly good? Like the list, it's catchy. You can sing it, dance to it, or tell people what it's really about and see them look shocked. As dirty as the song may be, at least they had to courage to actually write and sing it.
Video:
3. LFO, "Summer Girls" tied w/ LFO, "Every Other Time
Why they're bad? If you have heard any LFO lyric ever written, then you know why these songs are on the list. Although Summer Girls got more airplay, Every Other Time is just as nonsensical. "Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking, Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton". Perhaps the group with the most dumb songs in the history of music, LFO seemed to defined this list. "Come On Eileen"? This is way worse.
Why they're secretly good? Because it's LFO and they're lyrics make you feel smart. They are so dumb, so nonsensical, that it doesn't even matter. It's like a car accident you can't look away from, only for your ears. Somehow, they make it work. Sort of.
Video(s):
2. The Proclaimers, "I Would Walk 500 Miles"
Why's it bad? The lyrics are very repetitive, lack imigination, and nobody would really walk 500 miles. Plus, if you listen to this song too much you will blow out your brains. "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more". I think not, that's like New York City to St. Louis. When the redeeming factor of your song is found in the lyrics "DA-DA-DA-DA", you may have problems.
Why it's secretly good? Because who doesn't like screaming out the redeeming lyrics? Sure, it may not be the smartest set of words put together, but sometimes less is more. Besides, the title is more of a metaphor for love, I think. I hope. Advice: don't sing this song by yourself at Karaoke Night. You will look like an asshole.
1. Jefferson Starship, "We Built This City"
Why's it bad? Because it is. It's the kind of shitty pop music that is simply made to sell records, not entertain. "Marconi plays the mamba"? Yea, so does my mom. Who the hell is Marconi? Why is there a traffic report in the middle of the song? "It's just another Sunday, in a tired old street, police have got the chokehold, and we just lost the beat." I could spend hours telling you how stupid that very line of music is. But then I would go insane.
Why it's secretly good? As much as the world hates to admit it, there is no song ever made that is a song people love to hate. It's like a good actor playing a villian. Except in this case, the villian is a band that has changed their name seemingly so you'd forget who they were and like them again, and the victim being '80s rock music. But who wouldn't like to build a city on rock n roll? That would be a pretty badass city.
Video:
I hope you enjoyed (or didn't) these 7 horribly awesome songs. I will be back soon enough to quench your thirst for the facts. Remember, others lists are a matter of opinion. Mine? Fact. Now that I have YouTube as another tool in my "Arsenal of Awesomeness", there is nothing that can stop me from becoming the most important blogger on the internet. Except Adriana Huffington. She's pretty popular.
Adios, hermana!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Watch----At Your Own Risk
Music videos have been a staple of our culture since MTV began. However, there are some music videos that must have been written by 3rd Graders, Crackheads, or people who are just plain insane. I'll show you the 5 Strangest Music Videos ever made. But beware, watching these might make you take acid when your 31 at your 6 year old's birthday party and tackle the pinata while screaming "HONEY! THE CANDY IS FROM CANDDDDDDDYLAND!!!!!" It's a slippery slope from there, trust me.
#5: Leonard Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
The Deal: If you don't know already, Leonard Nimoy is Spock from the original Stark Trek show and movies. Also if you didn't know, Bilbo Baggins IS the main character from Lord of The Rings. An odd combination? You have no idea.
What/Who Wrote It? Clearly, this video was produced by a 12 year old who had just finished the book and a healthy dose of mushrooms. How this song was ever written, yet made into this unintentionally hilariously disturbing video is beyond the realm of human understanding. But watch and, uhhhhh, enjoy?
4. Mika "Love Today"
The Deal: "The Beirut-ey Patootey", as I assume he's called, is a Lebanese British pop singer who looks like a cross between Sanjaya and Paula Abdul, while managing to bring his voice down lower than Freddie Mercury (Queen's lead singer) performing "My Heart Will Go On".
Who/What Wrote It? While the jury is still out on this one, I'm sure all the colors, flashyness, homosexual overtones can be attributed to a healthy dose of (hmmmm how do i say this without sounding vulgar?) penis in the ass.
3. The Chemical Brothers, "Do It Again"
The Deal: I'm not sure, but I think the Chemical Brothers are a little off. After searching through a few of their videos, I decided that they all could have made the top countdown. But, for diversity's sake, I decided to choose this one. I just hope your brain doesn't explode.
What/Who Wrote It? Meth. Pure Meth. Well, judging that it takes place in one the most opium infested places on Earth, they may have mixed in a tad bit of that too. I won't blame you if you start gyrating uncontrollably after watching this or gives you a seizure. The paramedics never saw me that bad before.
2. Secret Mommy, "Kool Aid River"
The Deal: Well, it's no surprise this guy is Canadian. However, his electro-punk music has taken Canada by storm and no I'm not being serious. His solo song here is not so much a song, as much as its the most annoying garbage that you will ever hear. Think techno-Fergie but as a man. You'll know what I'm talking about.
What/Who Wrote This? Although Secret Mommy, whose band name is enough for mothers to hide their children from him, claims he wrote and produced the song and video, I don't believe him. This is like a 4 minute video for one of those subliminal Sprite videos, except it makes even less sense and I'm not quite sure what he's advertising. Definitely some amphetamines involved in this one. I'm trying to decide between Ecstasy or Speed.
1. David Hasselhoff, "Hooked On a Feeling"
The Deal: The "Kraut with too much Stout" or "That Guy From Baywatch" is somehow beloved in Germany. Taking advantage of his seemingly baffling popularity, Hasselhoff began drinking himself into a stupor everyday and started doing everything from music videos, amateur YouTube videos, and drunken papparazzi videos. Not surprisingly, they are all the same thing.
Who/What Wrote This? Well, I'm sure alcohol had a part. But this goes much deeper. Not even LSD can write this video. I think Hasselhoff and his buddies got in a circle and passed around a bottle of absinthe, some Acid tablets, and a pipe full of peyote. This video is racist, horribly produced, and, above all else, the most disturbing piece of video ever shot on camera. Ever.
I'm sorry for that. But now you know--drugs are bad for you. And if you think you have a hard life, think of the people that have to produce these videos. Especially the last one. Yikes. So, until next time, I leave you with a Alex Trabek montage of him drinking and yelling an immmense amount of profanity while shooting a Jeopardy! commercial. Enjoy.
#5: Leonard Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
The Deal: If you don't know already, Leonard Nimoy is Spock from the original Stark Trek show and movies. Also if you didn't know, Bilbo Baggins IS the main character from Lord of The Rings. An odd combination? You have no idea.
What/Who Wrote It? Clearly, this video was produced by a 12 year old who had just finished the book and a healthy dose of mushrooms. How this song was ever written, yet made into this unintentionally hilariously disturbing video is beyond the realm of human understanding. But watch and, uhhhhh, enjoy?
4. Mika "Love Today"
The Deal: "The Beirut-ey Patootey", as I assume he's called, is a Lebanese British pop singer who looks like a cross between Sanjaya and Paula Abdul, while managing to bring his voice down lower than Freddie Mercury (Queen's lead singer) performing "My Heart Will Go On".
Who/What Wrote It? While the jury is still out on this one, I'm sure all the colors, flashyness, homosexual overtones can be attributed to a healthy dose of (hmmmm how do i say this without sounding vulgar?) penis in the ass.
3. The Chemical Brothers, "Do It Again"
The Deal: I'm not sure, but I think the Chemical Brothers are a little off. After searching through a few of their videos, I decided that they all could have made the top countdown. But, for diversity's sake, I decided to choose this one. I just hope your brain doesn't explode.
What/Who Wrote It? Meth. Pure Meth. Well, judging that it takes place in one the most opium infested places on Earth, they may have mixed in a tad bit of that too. I won't blame you if you start gyrating uncontrollably after watching this or gives you a seizure. The paramedics never saw me that bad before.
2. Secret Mommy, "Kool Aid River"
The Deal: Well, it's no surprise this guy is Canadian. However, his electro-punk music has taken Canada by storm and no I'm not being serious. His solo song here is not so much a song, as much as its the most annoying garbage that you will ever hear. Think techno-Fergie but as a man. You'll know what I'm talking about.
What/Who Wrote This? Although Secret Mommy, whose band name is enough for mothers to hide their children from him, claims he wrote and produced the song and video, I don't believe him. This is like a 4 minute video for one of those subliminal Sprite videos, except it makes even less sense and I'm not quite sure what he's advertising. Definitely some amphetamines involved in this one. I'm trying to decide between Ecstasy or Speed.
1. David Hasselhoff, "Hooked On a Feeling"
The Deal: The "Kraut with too much Stout" or "That Guy From Baywatch" is somehow beloved in Germany. Taking advantage of his seemingly baffling popularity, Hasselhoff began drinking himself into a stupor everyday and started doing everything from music videos, amateur YouTube videos, and drunken papparazzi videos. Not surprisingly, they are all the same thing.
Who/What Wrote This? Well, I'm sure alcohol had a part. But this goes much deeper. Not even LSD can write this video. I think Hasselhoff and his buddies got in a circle and passed around a bottle of absinthe, some Acid tablets, and a pipe full of peyote. This video is racist, horribly produced, and, above all else, the most disturbing piece of video ever shot on camera. Ever.
I'm sorry for that. But now you know--drugs are bad for you. And if you think you have a hard life, think of the people that have to produce these videos. Especially the last one. Yikes. So, until next time, I leave you with a Alex Trabek montage of him drinking and yelling an immmense amount of profanity while shooting a Jeopardy! commercial. Enjoy.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
What a Joke
If you look around sports, it's not all about winning and losing. Take the Kansas City Royals. Their season has been over since April, but they need to stay loose to go out there and play for new contracts and the like. So, joking around is a part of sports. But there are just teams and people in sports that catch the ire of so many people consistently. So, today, let's examine the Top 10 Biggest Running Jokes in Sports. Because if sports were all serious, many Cubs fans would have committed suicide long ago.
10. L.A. Fans
You probably know that Los Angeles fans are notorious for arriving late and then leaving early. Why, after all, there is too much to do in Los Angeles to be sitting in a baseball stadium for 3 hours straight. Why do you think Los Angeles has lost not 1, but two NFL franchises. The fans are just not interested enough, when they could be laying on the beach or chilling in Malibu. Life's too good for sports out there.
Ex: Hey Merv, the fans are pouring in here to Dodger Stadium as the Padres get their closer up in the bullpen to finish this one off.
9. Paper Bags
Long since the Saint's were even decent, many football enthusiast came to know them as the "Aint's". Fans would show up with paper bags on their heads to avoid the embarassment of being seen at one of their games. Now, more than just Saint's fans bring the paper bag along with them. Many fans have adopted the tradition. However, this loses points due to the fact that there are a lot of bad teams out there and it's not funny if you have to go to a sporting event with a paper bag over your head. It is, however, hilarious to see your rivals fans.
Ex.:
8. Portland "Jail Blazers"
Ever since the likes of Rasheed Wallace, Damon Stoudamire, and numerous other criminals joined the team, the jail that is the Portland locker room is plagued with criminals. The Trail Blazers have had 22 arrests in the last 7 years, which, by any standards is ridiculous. It might be different if they were good, but they aren't. So not only do we laugh at their ineptitude, we HAVE to give this team a nickname. The basketball Gods could not have picked a better team name for this to use as a play on words. We only have to change ONE LETTER! The Jail Blazers. Unbelievable.
Ex.:Here's a site detailing all the arrests Arrests
7. Ridiculous College Bowl Names
College football has just not learned that "less is more" when it comes to the playoffs. There is close to 30 bowl games for teams and they only require you to win 6 games to be eligible. And to make money off of every single one, they hire sponsors for most games. How about the "Gaylords Hotels Music City Bowl" or the "Chick-fil-A Bowl"? The already problematic college football system has left no room for a playoff anytime soon. After all, what would we do without the "Meineke Car Care Bowl"?
Ex.: List of Bowls: Bowl Games
6. Legal Probelms
Now more than ever the media scrutinizes every move made by athletes. So when players, especially high profile ones such as Michael Vick, run into a little trouble with the law they get it from all angles.. As you may have notices, they really get burned in the media by talk show hosts, ESPN analysts, and other people who think they know everything. Legal problems also become a problem when players travel, as fans can get pretty nasty concerning criminal activity.
Ex.: Kobe
5. Matt Millen (GM of Detroit Lions)
If there has been a General Manager more scrutinized than Millen, he must have had a heart attack. He has made some questionable moves, taking receivers in virtually every draft when that's really not what they need. Detroit fans started a "Fire Millen" website three years ago, worn paper bags on their heads at games, walked out of games, booed the Lions to get him fired, and a radio station put together a "Fire Millen" march. Detroit has never made the playoffs under Millen and fans are dumbfounded as to how this guy is still in charge. Obviously, this has left him the brunt of a few jokes. I personally hope he stays in charge until he dies.
Ex.: Fire Millen
4. Major League Soccer
Now, with Beckham joining the league, the popularity of it has grown somewhat. However, the MLS is still a major stinker, with poor attendence and hideous ratings. No one from the MLS is laughing but the league is really a joke. Americans have their own football already and with so many sporting events on TV, it's really hard to create a fan base. I love soccer but this league is just pitiful. Unfortunately, it will probably take a miracle for soccer to really catch fire in the US like it is in the rest of the world.
Ex: MLS Ratings
3. Jean Van de Velde (golfer)
If you've ever watched a golf event where the leader is coming close to blowing it or starts to lose his cool, they will immediately cut to the clip of Van de Velde majorly blowing the 1999 U.S. Open. All he needed was a 6 on the last hole, a double bogey, to win. He hit it in the grandstands, he whiffed, hit it in the water, and then finally hit a miraculous shot that almost went in for the win but he settled for a seven instead. He lost in a playoff. Ever since then, Van de Velde has become the epitome of futility in golf and has never won a PGA tournament. Good thing he's French or I might actually care.
Ex.: YouTube Clip
2. The Chicago Cubs
As much as it pains me to say it, the Cubs are the biggest joke in the history of sports. But this list is about right now and they seem to be on the up and up. However, 99 years of losing, heartbreak, black cats, foul balls, misplayed potential game winning double play grounders by a surehanded shortstop. Do you want me to go on? You wonder why the Cubs fandom drinks so much? You, sir, are an idiot. After all Cubs fans have went through, it's amazing they still go to the games. Loyalty at it's finest, losing at it's best.
Ex. : Mean Anti-Cub Video by Some Gay White Sox Fan
1. Isiah Thomas and the Knicks
Well, if you know anything about sports, you know that the Knicks are a joke and it's Isiah Thomas' fault. Trading away 1st round draft picks for players like Eddy Curry, giving Jerome James, who averaged 2 points a game, 30 million dollars, washed up vets like Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, and is involved in a sexual harrassment suit that will end up costing the Knicks $11.6 million. The Knicks are usually bear the brunt of many jokes, as they have majorly underperformed, from comedians, talks shows, and fans. Pretty much everyone, actually. It is simply baffling how Isiah Thomas is employed and hilarious that the Knicks suck so bad and get made fun of all the time. It's like when some person that everyone loves and you hate, gets caught jerking off in the bathroom in school. Then everyone starts making fun of him. And you laugh really, really hard.
Ex.: Isiah Thomas Pick Up Lines
YouTube of Knicks Losing
There you have it. Funny! Hilarious! Except for #2. Good Night and Good Luck
10. L.A. Fans
You probably know that Los Angeles fans are notorious for arriving late and then leaving early. Why, after all, there is too much to do in Los Angeles to be sitting in a baseball stadium for 3 hours straight. Why do you think Los Angeles has lost not 1, but two NFL franchises. The fans are just not interested enough, when they could be laying on the beach or chilling in Malibu. Life's too good for sports out there.
Ex: Hey Merv, the fans are pouring in here to Dodger Stadium as the Padres get their closer up in the bullpen to finish this one off.
9. Paper Bags
Long since the Saint's were even decent, many football enthusiast came to know them as the "Aint's". Fans would show up with paper bags on their heads to avoid the embarassment of being seen at one of their games. Now, more than just Saint's fans bring the paper bag along with them. Many fans have adopted the tradition. However, this loses points due to the fact that there are a lot of bad teams out there and it's not funny if you have to go to a sporting event with a paper bag over your head. It is, however, hilarious to see your rivals fans.
Ex.:
8. Portland "Jail Blazers"
Ever since the likes of Rasheed Wallace, Damon Stoudamire, and numerous other criminals joined the team, the jail that is the Portland locker room is plagued with criminals. The Trail Blazers have had 22 arrests in the last 7 years, which, by any standards is ridiculous. It might be different if they were good, but they aren't. So not only do we laugh at their ineptitude, we HAVE to give this team a nickname. The basketball Gods could not have picked a better team name for this to use as a play on words. We only have to change ONE LETTER! The Jail Blazers. Unbelievable.
Ex.:Here's a site detailing all the arrests Arrests
7. Ridiculous College Bowl Names
College football has just not learned that "less is more" when it comes to the playoffs. There is close to 30 bowl games for teams and they only require you to win 6 games to be eligible. And to make money off of every single one, they hire sponsors for most games. How about the "Gaylords Hotels Music City Bowl" or the "Chick-fil-A Bowl"? The already problematic college football system has left no room for a playoff anytime soon. After all, what would we do without the "Meineke Car Care Bowl"?
Ex.: List of Bowls: Bowl Games
6. Legal Probelms
Now more than ever the media scrutinizes every move made by athletes. So when players, especially high profile ones such as Michael Vick, run into a little trouble with the law they get it from all angles.. As you may have notices, they really get burned in the media by talk show hosts, ESPN analysts, and other people who think they know everything. Legal problems also become a problem when players travel, as fans can get pretty nasty concerning criminal activity.
Ex.: Kobe
5. Matt Millen (GM of Detroit Lions)
If there has been a General Manager more scrutinized than Millen, he must have had a heart attack. He has made some questionable moves, taking receivers in virtually every draft when that's really not what they need. Detroit fans started a "Fire Millen" website three years ago, worn paper bags on their heads at games, walked out of games, booed the Lions to get him fired, and a radio station put together a "Fire Millen" march. Detroit has never made the playoffs under Millen and fans are dumbfounded as to how this guy is still in charge. Obviously, this has left him the brunt of a few jokes. I personally hope he stays in charge until he dies.
Ex.: Fire Millen
4. Major League Soccer
Now, with Beckham joining the league, the popularity of it has grown somewhat. However, the MLS is still a major stinker, with poor attendence and hideous ratings. No one from the MLS is laughing but the league is really a joke. Americans have their own football already and with so many sporting events on TV, it's really hard to create a fan base. I love soccer but this league is just pitiful. Unfortunately, it will probably take a miracle for soccer to really catch fire in the US like it is in the rest of the world.
Ex: MLS Ratings
3. Jean Van de Velde (golfer)
If you've ever watched a golf event where the leader is coming close to blowing it or starts to lose his cool, they will immediately cut to the clip of Van de Velde majorly blowing the 1999 U.S. Open. All he needed was a 6 on the last hole, a double bogey, to win. He hit it in the grandstands, he whiffed, hit it in the water, and then finally hit a miraculous shot that almost went in for the win but he settled for a seven instead. He lost in a playoff. Ever since then, Van de Velde has become the epitome of futility in golf and has never won a PGA tournament. Good thing he's French or I might actually care.
Ex.: YouTube Clip
2. The Chicago Cubs
As much as it pains me to say it, the Cubs are the biggest joke in the history of sports. But this list is about right now and they seem to be on the up and up. However, 99 years of losing, heartbreak, black cats, foul balls, misplayed potential game winning double play grounders by a surehanded shortstop. Do you want me to go on? You wonder why the Cubs fandom drinks so much? You, sir, are an idiot. After all Cubs fans have went through, it's amazing they still go to the games. Loyalty at it's finest, losing at it's best.
Ex. : Mean Anti-Cub Video by Some Gay White Sox Fan
1. Isiah Thomas and the Knicks
Well, if you know anything about sports, you know that the Knicks are a joke and it's Isiah Thomas' fault. Trading away 1st round draft picks for players like Eddy Curry, giving Jerome James, who averaged 2 points a game, 30 million dollars, washed up vets like Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, and is involved in a sexual harrassment suit that will end up costing the Knicks $11.6 million. The Knicks are usually bear the brunt of many jokes, as they have majorly underperformed, from comedians, talks shows, and fans. Pretty much everyone, actually. It is simply baffling how Isiah Thomas is employed and hilarious that the Knicks suck so bad and get made fun of all the time. It's like when some person that everyone loves and you hate, gets caught jerking off in the bathroom in school. Then everyone starts making fun of him. And you laugh really, really hard.
Ex.: Isiah Thomas Pick Up Lines
YouTube of Knicks Losing
There you have it. Funny! Hilarious! Except for #2. Good Night and Good Luck
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