Bond kicks ass and gets ass, occasionally at the same time. We all know that. Even back in the day of conservative movie titles, characters, and plots, Bond certainly got away with quite a bit. Racism, sexism, and awesomeism is all a big part of the Bond universe. They didn't skip on the names of the characters either. Especially the names of the women. Let's examine these sexually explicit names because, well, sex jokes are funny. Here are the 6 Most Sexually Explicit Bond Girl Names.
6. Kissy Suzuki
Featured In: You Only Live Twice, portrayed by Mie Hama. (That's gotta be Japanese for "Mia Hamm")
Occupation: British Secret Agent
Sexual Overtones: Why didn't they just name her smoochers? Or smacker? What's funny about this character is that she is the only known character to marry Bond, except in the little known Bond film From Vegas with Rum. In the book, Kissy actually gets pregnant, marking the only known (to us) child of James Bond. Who names their kid Kissy? I don't knwon if that's like a common thing, or whatever, in Japan but it's not good. I mean, why didn't they just name her Slutty Motorbike? She's also a secret agent, which has to mean nothing about her is a secret to any agent. Yikes.
5. Honey Rider
Featured In: Dr. No, portrayed by Ursula Andrews, voiced by Nikki van der Zyl because Andrews had an annoying Swiss accent, since everybody paid attention to her voice.
Occupation: Honey is a, uh, shell diver. What kind of shells does she dive for? The muffled ones? Does she dive for muffled shells? Hmmm...(Yes, that was a sex joke.)
Sexual Overtones: Ever called your significant other Honey? Yeah, I thought so. What does your Honey ride? Exactly. She helps Bond escape and then they have sex on a tow boat. Which is mildly kinky. Honey has the most famous Bond girl scene in which she comes out of the ocean in a scantily clad bikini, immediately solidifying Bond movies as a staple of American culture. Even though, you know, Bond is a British agent making love to a Swiss woman in Jamaica. Yeah, alright, that's pretty cool.
4. Xenia Onatopp
Featured In: Goldeneye, portrayed by Famke Jaansen
Occupation: In the Soviet Military, the only country to throw a woman as hot as this into the military.
Sexual Overtones: Onatopp of what, you might ask. Well, she's on the top of men. Lots of them. She seduces men with her hotness the climbs on top of them and then strangles them with her legs. (You have to see it to even consider that being a bad thing.) She gets sexual satisfaction from doing this, which is hot in a "I'm really horny and I don't really care if I die" kind of way. In a type of irony that makes one think "wow, that death really is just to set up a one-liner," she gets squeezed to death against a tree when Bond remarks "She always did enjoy a good squeeze." Filmmaking at it's....lazie....finest.
3. Plenty O'Toole
Featured In: Diamonds Are Forever, portrayed by Lana Wood.
Occupation: Girl that really wants to have sex with James Bond.
Sexual Overtones: Well, I think the jist (no, i didn't misspell that last word) of it is that this woman can handle plenty of tool (penis, for those who are still in 4th grade). She wears a dress that exposes 78% of her chest, undresses approximately 5.6 seconds after getting into Bond's room, and seems to only latch onto Bond because he's a good gambler. Verdict: slutbag. Besides that, she meets an unfortunate death before she gets some of the ole JB. Following suit with her character, Lana Wood has been married 5 times, making one wonder: is it her name? (It kind of sounds like "wanna wood?" No it doesn't? Yeah, that's a bigger stretch than Stretch Armstrong. And his arms stretch out to next week!)
2. Holly Goodhead
Featured In: Moonraker, portrayed by Lois Chiles
Occupation: Scientist and Astronaut working undercover for the CIA, in what must be "#1 Job Description that Gets You Laid."
Sexual Overtones: Goodhead is actually the smartest Bond girl to date but....that name. Her and Bond go through adventures on Earth and in space, marking the only time that Bond has had sex while not in the Earths atmosphere. (Bond would get wasted if you ever played "I Never" with him) Goodhead aside (ha), her and Bond totally kick the bad guys ass and destroy his plan of raking the moon (presumably). It is debatable though as to whether or not Ms. Goodhead lives up to her name or whether her name simply means she has a good head, meaning she is smart. In an interview the scriptwriter Christopher Wood responded by saying "What, are you fucking moronical? It's a euphemism for oral sex you dumbass! Now when do I get my Vicodin?"
1. Pussy Galore
Featured In: Goldfinger, portrayed by Honor Blackman. (That's seriously her name. Like, she honors blackman (or men). I'd rather be named Pussy Galore than Honor Blackmen, which means I'd rather be a slut than racially tolerant.)
Occupation: Spy for Goldfinger, organized crime boss.
Sexual Overtones: How did they even get away with this one? They are telling she is all pussy. Bond is so good though, that he seduces her over to his side, as she turns on Goldfinger. That's funny though, since Pussy Galore is a lesbian. Well, you know what they say: once you go Bond, you need Penicillin. That actually has nothing to do with sexual orientation but whatever. Pussy was the oldest Bond girl but that didn't mean she refused to get down with the ol' JB. They never mention her sexual orientation, as it was too riske for a culture that was busy having a shitload of unprotected sex, doing massive amounts of drugs, and the taking of power by Velasco Alvardo in Peru. Despite her amazingly sexual name, her initials matched the films rating: P.G.
Ah, the sexual enterprise that is the James Bond franchise. Perhaps there will be a new addition to this list when the new Bond comes out in November, ehh? Well, I would say I hoped you enjoyed it but I know you did. Because it's really good. Like as good as the Cubs. Who are fucking amazing. Anyways, there is no substitute for a good sex symbol. Especially on this blog. I know you can just feel the sexiness radiating from the blog. Anyways, I'll be back soon with more words of wisdom that will surely enlighten and strengthen your life. Until then, Ciao Erotico!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Head On, Apply Directly to Your Forehead
Hey there! Remember me? I bet you don't, since it's been nearly a month since I've showcased my blogging powers here. As I apologize for this absence, you need not worry. I will be regular with my blogging prowess. Anyways, I have an exceptionally creepy treat for you kiddies. Today I've got The 6 Strangest Old Advertisements. Trust me, you'll enjoy it. It's science.
6. Just Blow It
Product Endorsed: Tipalet Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? Well, the mere connotation that you could blow in someone's face to force them to follow you everywhere is a little creepy. Never mind the woman's face makes her look like a perfect candidate for "The Manchurian Candidate" sequel. It also begs the question: can Tipalet Cigarettes be used to commit crimes such as rape, murder, robbery, or cross-breeding? The answer is yes.
If It Happened Today: Female protesters would be all over this one, claiming that the ad is offensive, that they wouldn't follow men because of smoke, and it is women, not men, who are supposed to be doing the blowing. Also, males (mostly virgins in their mid-30s) would be at the protest with packs of Tipalet, claiming false advertising on their ways home to go jerk off.
5. "9/11" in 1979
Product Endorsed: 1979 Pakistan Airlines ad
Creepy You Say? It may have not seemed as creepy back then, but with the aftermath of 9/11 still lingering, this could be considered creepy, especially for its an airline where a lot of terrorists are hanging out. Also creepy: the fact that the plane's shadow is big enough to take out both WTC's. But, as we now know, terrorists love United's discounted rates on domestic flights. PIA also sounds like a cover for a terrorist organization. I'll say "Pakistan's Ill-Advised Advertisers".
If it Happened Today? Well, since nobody wants to go to Pakistan, unless they are craving some tasty-ass Sugarcane Juice (now in Curry flavor!), Pakistan airlines would not only go out of business but also see a barrage of Molotov cocktails thrown into their headquarters by a bunch of pissed-off Southerners, screaming "Go Back ta Africa!"
4. Baby Razor
Product Endorsed: Gillette Razors
Creepy You Say? I don't know about you, but I didn't start shaving til I was about 17. So the fact that this baby has a razor, without a parent watching it, makes me a tad bit concerned for the safety of the baby. Also, what the hell is that baby wearing on its head? Is that to cover up its male-pattern baldness? I do not want a baby armed with a razor sitting on the floor when I enter the bathroom. I would have nightmares for years. Finally, stropping and honing sound like crimes that involve some sort of child abuse.
If it Happened Today? Babies might get ideas, parents would stop sleeping, and 1,000 new dead baby jokes would be created within minutes. Gillette's advertising employees would also find themselves as employed as me (re: not). I looked up stropping and honing for you, just for kicks and gigs. Stropping is refining a blade to make it sharper and honing is sharpening the edges of tools. So, you know, things that you do to make knives kill people.
3. Light it Up for Santa
Product Endorsed: Lucky Stripe Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? This ad is so blatantly aimed at kids that it makes you wonder why they didn't just have a kid smoking (hint: wait for #2). Santa is a representation of all that is good and spirity about Christmas. That little note says the spirit is found in the fucking cigarettes! To make things inherently worse, what kind of person do you have to be to give cigarettes as a Christmas gift? (Hint: a good one)
If it Happened Today? Since Lucky Stripe is no longer selling (at least not much), it wouldn't happen. But for the sake of hypotheticalness, if that is a word at all, Lucky Stripe's reputation would be a shot as the slaves that used to work on tobacco farms. SANTA DOESN'T FUCKING SMOKE! HE'S A FAT, JOLLY, GIVING MOTHERFUCKER! GODDAMN YOU LUCKY STRIPE FOR TRYING TO TELL ME SANTA SMOKES! FUCK YOU!
Whew.
Anyways....
2. Baby Cancer
Product Endorsed: Marlboro Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? Do I need say? The baby is jealous of his dad getting cigs. Besides the disturbingly terrible idea of placing a baby on a cigarette ad, how bout the fine print? "You can never be over-smoked-that's the miracle of marlboro." Listen, cigarettes aren't a miracle. They're about as much of a miracle as the Ebola Virus or Jesus being born (re: not miracles. Mary had sex, and she had it hard. Props though to her for getting people to believe her. I digress...) The ad implies that the baby has smoked before. That fucking kid isn't even ONE yet. What genius thought of this one, Carlos Mencia? See, this is why cigarettes aren't allowed to have commercials. They get away with everything.
If it Happened Today: Lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit. Marlboro would still be the highest grossing cigarette company, people will still smoke, and Gilbert Godfrey would still have the most annoying voice ever. Really nothing would change. Cigarette companies make more money than drug dealers and basically do the same thing. Bastards. I need to get in on this, immediately.
1. It's Like the Gym Coach from "Mean Girls"
Product Endorsed: Anti-Sex and Prostitution ad
Creepy You Say? I saw this ad and I immediately lost my boner. Which was good, because it was going on 3 and a half hours and I didn't want to have to contact my physician. However, you may wonder why I placed this ad for smoking babies, razor babies, smoking santa clauses, and other horrors. Well, look at the pretty girl. You want to have sex with her. But if you do you are going to get syphilis or gonorrhea, or both if that's even possible. If you do that, you won't be able to defeat the Axis of Evil (i.e. Nazis, Japan, and Wal-Mart). So if you have sex with this girl, the world will turn into half German, half Japanese people searching for low bargain prices. Sound good to you? Then you are a goddamn socialist whore who belongs in a textile factory in Northern Vietnam making my new LeBron shoes or whatever the kids are wearing these days. Long story short, this ad ruins 3 of the top 5 things in life: sex, people you can pay to have sex, and defeating evil in the name of good. (re: the other 2 things are alcohol and Irish people, which are basically the same thing)
If it Happened Today: Eh, I'd probably still have sex. That is, if I can get my ban lifted at Madame Ruhbdowne's place.
Well, sorry for the delay in blogging. It won't happen again, pinky swear! As I continue my journey through the real world, which is moving slowly so far, I'll try to make time to blog about things that really matter. Like old ad's, the greatest duels, and continuously praising my suicide weapon, alcohol. Anyways, don't fret for I will be back before you can say "Michael Phelps probably listens to gangster rap in between races. I just can't decide if it's Ludacris or Dre." Bon voyage, shipmates!
6. Just Blow It
Product Endorsed: Tipalet Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? Well, the mere connotation that you could blow in someone's face to force them to follow you everywhere is a little creepy. Never mind the woman's face makes her look like a perfect candidate for "The Manchurian Candidate" sequel. It also begs the question: can Tipalet Cigarettes be used to commit crimes such as rape, murder, robbery, or cross-breeding? The answer is yes.
If It Happened Today: Female protesters would be all over this one, claiming that the ad is offensive, that they wouldn't follow men because of smoke, and it is women, not men, who are supposed to be doing the blowing. Also, males (mostly virgins in their mid-30s) would be at the protest with packs of Tipalet, claiming false advertising on their ways home to go jerk off.
5. "9/11" in 1979
Product Endorsed: 1979 Pakistan Airlines ad
Creepy You Say? It may have not seemed as creepy back then, but with the aftermath of 9/11 still lingering, this could be considered creepy, especially for its an airline where a lot of terrorists are hanging out. Also creepy: the fact that the plane's shadow is big enough to take out both WTC's. But, as we now know, terrorists love United's discounted rates on domestic flights. PIA also sounds like a cover for a terrorist organization. I'll say "Pakistan's Ill-Advised Advertisers".
If it Happened Today? Well, since nobody wants to go to Pakistan, unless they are craving some tasty-ass Sugarcane Juice (now in Curry flavor!), Pakistan airlines would not only go out of business but also see a barrage of Molotov cocktails thrown into their headquarters by a bunch of pissed-off Southerners, screaming "Go Back ta Africa!"
4. Baby Razor
Product Endorsed: Gillette Razors
Creepy You Say? I don't know about you, but I didn't start shaving til I was about 17. So the fact that this baby has a razor, without a parent watching it, makes me a tad bit concerned for the safety of the baby. Also, what the hell is that baby wearing on its head? Is that to cover up its male-pattern baldness? I do not want a baby armed with a razor sitting on the floor when I enter the bathroom. I would have nightmares for years. Finally, stropping and honing sound like crimes that involve some sort of child abuse.
If it Happened Today? Babies might get ideas, parents would stop sleeping, and 1,000 new dead baby jokes would be created within minutes. Gillette's advertising employees would also find themselves as employed as me (re: not). I looked up stropping and honing for you, just for kicks and gigs. Stropping is refining a blade to make it sharper and honing is sharpening the edges of tools. So, you know, things that you do to make knives kill people.
3. Light it Up for Santa
Product Endorsed: Lucky Stripe Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? This ad is so blatantly aimed at kids that it makes you wonder why they didn't just have a kid smoking (hint: wait for #2). Santa is a representation of all that is good and spirity about Christmas. That little note says the spirit is found in the fucking cigarettes! To make things inherently worse, what kind of person do you have to be to give cigarettes as a Christmas gift? (Hint: a good one)
If it Happened Today? Since Lucky Stripe is no longer selling (at least not much), it wouldn't happen. But for the sake of hypotheticalness, if that is a word at all, Lucky Stripe's reputation would be a shot as the slaves that used to work on tobacco farms. SANTA DOESN'T FUCKING SMOKE! HE'S A FAT, JOLLY, GIVING MOTHERFUCKER! GODDAMN YOU LUCKY STRIPE FOR TRYING TO TELL ME SANTA SMOKES! FUCK YOU!
Whew.
Anyways....
2. Baby Cancer
Product Endorsed: Marlboro Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? Do I need say? The baby is jealous of his dad getting cigs. Besides the disturbingly terrible idea of placing a baby on a cigarette ad, how bout the fine print? "You can never be over-smoked-that's the miracle of marlboro." Listen, cigarettes aren't a miracle. They're about as much of a miracle as the Ebola Virus or Jesus being born (re: not miracles. Mary had sex, and she had it hard. Props though to her for getting people to believe her. I digress...) The ad implies that the baby has smoked before. That fucking kid isn't even ONE yet. What genius thought of this one, Carlos Mencia? See, this is why cigarettes aren't allowed to have commercials. They get away with everything.
If it Happened Today: Lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit. Marlboro would still be the highest grossing cigarette company, people will still smoke, and Gilbert Godfrey would still have the most annoying voice ever. Really nothing would change. Cigarette companies make more money than drug dealers and basically do the same thing. Bastards. I need to get in on this, immediately.
1. It's Like the Gym Coach from "Mean Girls"
Product Endorsed: Anti-Sex and Prostitution ad
Creepy You Say? I saw this ad and I immediately lost my boner. Which was good, because it was going on 3 and a half hours and I didn't want to have to contact my physician. However, you may wonder why I placed this ad for smoking babies, razor babies, smoking santa clauses, and other horrors. Well, look at the pretty girl. You want to have sex with her. But if you do you are going to get syphilis or gonorrhea, or both if that's even possible. If you do that, you won't be able to defeat the Axis of Evil (i.e. Nazis, Japan, and Wal-Mart). So if you have sex with this girl, the world will turn into half German, half Japanese people searching for low bargain prices. Sound good to you? Then you are a goddamn socialist whore who belongs in a textile factory in Northern Vietnam making my new LeBron shoes or whatever the kids are wearing these days. Long story short, this ad ruins 3 of the top 5 things in life: sex, people you can pay to have sex, and defeating evil in the name of good. (re: the other 2 things are alcohol and Irish people, which are basically the same thing)
If it Happened Today: Eh, I'd probably still have sex. That is, if I can get my ban lifted at Madame Ruhbdowne's place.
Well, sorry for the delay in blogging. It won't happen again, pinky swear! As I continue my journey through the real world, which is moving slowly so far, I'll try to make time to blog about things that really matter. Like old ad's, the greatest duels, and continuously praising my suicide weapon, alcohol. Anyways, don't fret for I will be back before you can say "Michael Phelps probably listens to gangster rap in between races. I just can't decide if it's Ludacris or Dre." Bon voyage, shipmates!
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