How to Enjoy the World Cup If You Don't Like Soccer

The World Cup is the most global of all events. More people watch the World Cup than any other sporting event. It promotes national pride and unites fellow countrymen for a solid month. But loads of Americans (read: most) find soccer boring. Well, I'm not here to try and convert you into full-time soccer fanatics--but enjoying the World Cup has it's advantages. That's why I've put together a little list to help you enjoy. 6 Ways Soccer Haters Can Enjoy the World Cup.


Watch It In a Bar
Shout-Out to Where I Watch Soccer: The Globe Pub in Chicago. Over 100 Types of Beers!
Advantage: Nothing makes boring things fun like drinking. And soccer, if nothing else, is a great excuse to drink in the morning. I've had a few 8 AM pints to go along with the game and it can take the edge clean off. Most soccer bars in the USA are run by English/Irish ex-pats and have quite the variety of beer at decent prices. Bars will be PACKED during the World Cup. It's one thing to watch it alone at home, but you can feel the tension of an entire nation inside a bar--and it's rather contagious.

Pick a Side
Like North Korea, If You're Feeling Controversial
Advantage: I used to be apathetic towards The Beautiful Game--until I picked a team. Let me tell you--when you are invested in a team, soccer is the most nerve-racking game ever. With every goal ridiculously important, every pass towards goal, every mistake is amplified so much that it makes the anticipation almost unbearable. Being invested in a team--even if it's just gambling on them--can make soccer go from a bore to a game of heart-attack inducing excitement.

Embrace the Controversy
God, I Hate France
Advantage: Soccer gossip is pretty much the same as celebrity gossip--shameful, unrelenting, and zooming in on EVERY. LITTLE. THING. It's part of how soccer can get so addicting. For women who love gossip, there's a little bit of everything. A player sleeping/impregnating with a teammate's girlfriend? Got that. Argentina reccomending their players get hookers on off-days to stay fresh? Check. Racism? Conspiracy Theories? Stampedes Outside the Stadium? Oh yes...there's all that. Chances are, especially since it's in the mildly-unstable, massively crowded South Africa, that there will be deaths of fans. Usually, in soccer, there is more drama off the pitch than there is on it.

Hate On Others
Well, Not THAT Hateful...
Advantage: I'm not condoning racism. But for me, I'm distraught over France's ousting of the Irish team, and will be loudly cheering against them forever and ever. It gives you a chance to cheer against douches--like North Korea for being communist. Maybe you hate Switzerland for always being neutral? Maybe you live in the 19th century and hate Mexicans for "ruining our country" or some lame crap? I suggest cheering against England. They believe it's their god-given right to win the World Cup. They write the USA off like we're a joke team that they will roll over. Cheer against pompousness. English people suck. After all, they fucked Ireland too. By trying to own them. Eff them. HARD.

Learn About Culture
Yes...Culture...
Advantage: Chances are you will hear quite a bit about the World Cup being in Africa during the month. All the African teams (Cameroon, Ghana, Ivory Coast, Algeria, Nigeria, and South Africa) will be magnified. These are countries that nobody knows anything about, besides maybe South Africa. What a great chance (for those that are interested) to see how important this game is to their culture. Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast's best player, has a beer named after him in his country. Also, during the last World Cup, while his country was in turmoil, he called for peace and to let soccer stand as a symbol for peace....and his people listened. The power to unite an entire nation, just for kicking a ball around.

US Pride
Pride: It's What's Hot
Advantage: If nothing else, support your country. It would be a massive achievement to beat a team like England or get far in the Cup. Whether or not you really care, it's still a matter of pride. People talk shit about USA soccer like it's their job--don't you want to defend your country? It's like the Olympics: you may not really care about the actual events, you just care if your country does well. So grab a pint, cheer on the USA, and wait--soccer is a much more beautiful game than you think. Maybe--just mabye--you'll get sucked in.

Leave Me Alone, I'm Drinking

Many people hear drinking alone and immediately say "alcoholic." Well, the blog doesn't share this view. Sometimes, drinking alone is necessary. When, you ask? OH! Well, I'm going to tell you. Perhaps it's not the happiest topic, but I my writing could make "2 and a Half Men" funny. So listen up, this is When Drinking Alone is OK.


After a Break-Up
"See....the crying, this is why I broke up with you."
Why It's OK: People are naturally sad after a break-up. There's lots of self-pity, tears, and mood swings during the immediate post-relationship period. Alcohol is oh-so-necessary to help you through the process but going out and meeting new people will only remind you of your ex. At least at first, it's best to wallow in that self-pity all by your lonesome. Throw on the Bryan Adams CD, sit in your underwear, and sip on a drink or ten as you get ALL your wallowing out of the way. I mean, your friends don't wanna hear your bitching. Get your ass on the couch and feel sorry for your drunken self!
You Should Drink: like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

After a Traumatic Event
Yes, Like That.
Why It's OK: Every goes through trauma. Car accident, death in the family, dropping your entire bag of popcorn at the movie theatre. Whatever it is, you're gonna need to booze on through it. And if you're drinking with other people, all they're only going to tell you "Oh I'm so sorry, that looked delicious" and stuff like that. Well fuck that! You need to ditch your date and sit by yourself, sipping on your Movie Theatre Sized Margarita and dream of the buttery goodness you're missing out on.
You Should Drink: like Pac-Man Jones at a wine tasting.

When You're Struggling To Find An Answer
That Guy's Got the Right Idea
Why It's OK: Sometimes in life, we search for the unattainable answers. "What's my life's purpose?" "Did I let "the one" get away?" "Will I ever see my hot MILF neighbor changing through my bedroom window?" Life's too short to spend TOO much time thinking about such questions, so pour yourself a double and reflect. Creativity stems from alcohol abuse. Find your answer at the bottom of a bottle.
You Should Drink: more than Mel Gibson at a David Hasselhoff fiesta.

When You're Just Getting Out of Rehab
Who Are Those People?
Why It's OK: Whatever you were in rehab for, you owe it to yourself to reward your good behavior. Crack? Meth? Heroin? Well, you're going to need something to replace that eventually. You need to sit down by yourself and find out if that thing is alcohol. You know you've got an addictive personality, as you're just leaving rehab, so nobody is going to let you drink too heavily after getting out. That's why you need to do it alone. Avoid those party-pooping losers.
You Should Drink: like someone who was in rehab for alcohol abuse.

When Nobody Reads Your Blog
STUPID STUPID STUPID!
Why It's OK: Sometimes you pour your heart into something and it just doesn't work out for the best. So you started a blog and nobody reads it? It's OK. Maybe you have a solid head of hair? No, ummm...a good job? Ehem, anyways, maybe you should just not think about it. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and walk down the street. Maybe peeing on your neighbor's lawn will make you feel better? Maybe all that MILF neighbor needs is to see you naked first....
You Should Drink: like a soccer hooligan on her period.

Yes, I'm Pretty Sure That Nobody Reads These Long Titles, But They Stayin 'Cause I'm a Verbose Mofo, and Other Snobby Responses: The June Mailbag

The mailbag is back and it's heating up, both outside and in the mailroom. What do I mean? Oh, I just mean that the questions are getting more controversial, but not so controversial where I have to explain myself. But let's get down to it. The June Mailbag.


Q: What do you think of the Blackhawks doing so well, about to get a championship for your poor sports city?
--A. Pujols, St. Louis, MO.
A: I'm not the biggest hockey fan, but I do appreciate what they are doing for the city. I mean, I'm not going to start a Fantasy Hockey league but I will fair-weather fan it when they are playing well for the good of the city. After all, it's strange to see a sports team I like do well, being a Cubs fan and all.

Q; With the World Cup coming up, can you give us some pointers and possibly a drinking game for the tournament?
--Kaka, Brasilia, Brazil.
A: If you don't regularly watch soccer, then just sit back and enjoy without trying to understand it. If you enjoy that, then good. Look up the rules, because I'm not explaining soccer offsides to ANYONE. Here's a great drinking game for the World Cup:
--Do a shot for every goal.
--Drink two for every yellow card.
--Drink four for every red card.
--Drink one for every foul.
--Drink two for every word the announcers say that you are not familiar with.
--Drink every time they mention that the World Cup is in Africa.
--Drink every time the English announcers overrate the England team
You should be hammered from the last two alone.

Q: Say you're me. Say you have to chance to have sex with the girl of your dreams--not a celebrity--but you had to get chlamydia. Do I do it?
--J. Beam, Mobile, AL.
A: STD's are curable these days, aren't they? I say go for it, then get yourself some penicillin. Having chlamydia makes you sound like a hooker.

Q: What country would you say has the highest quality beer altogether?
--J. Foxx, LA, CA
A: What blog do you think you're at? Normally, I would say Ireland to anything that involves me picking a favorite. Unfortunately, besides Guinness, I don't find any other Irish beers to be that amazing. The Czech Republic and Belgium are both solid bets. I don't think I've ever had a bad Belgian or Czech beer.

Q: You've come home from a long day. You're extremely tired. What would you rather do: girl on top or get head?
--C. Bradshaw, NY, NY.
A: Girl on top. Granted, getting head is ALWAYS great. But girl on top is awesome. I just feel like girl on top is alot sexier than getting head. Sex is sex is sex is awesome. How old am I? (I'm over 18, ladies, that's all you need to know)

Q: Can you disprove three theories that women's magazine's think about men? Please, do it for us all.
--G. Lazenby, London, Eng.
A: "20 Shoes Men Love" (Cosmopolitan), "7 Signs He'll Never Marry You" (Cosmopolitan), "10 Sexy Sex and the City 2 Hairstyles" (Cosmo)
"20 Shoes Men Love"--I've never looked at a woman's shoes and said "Mmm that is hot." Black heels are fine with me and I don't really NEED anything else.
"7 Signs He'll Never Marry You"--It said "If your FB profile is limited" and "If his friends are distant." Listen, some people can't tag drunken pictures because they a) have jobs, b) are friends with relatives, c) don't want to seem like a douchebag. How bout spending time getting to know him instead of creeping on FB? And maybe, just maybe, his friends just don't like you. If he loves you enough, he would. Trust me, I've known plenty of guys/girls that would marry someone that didn't get along with their friends.
"10 Sexy Hairstyles"--There's no such thing as a sexy hairstyle from Sex and the City 2, since all the women are old/ugly.

Q: Which female celebrity would win a hot body/weird face contest?
--M. Broderick, Detroit, MI.
A: Uma Thurman. She's got a weird face but I find her strangely attractive all the same. As for the loser, it has to be Sarah Jessica Parker. Her face is so bad, I'd probably have a hard time not thinking about it in the pitch black dark. Ughhhhh.

Q: What is stupider: swimming in a pool while hammered or trying to climb a tree hammered? Keep in mind, there is beer up in the tree.
--M. Gibson, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Let's be honest: both are really, really fun. Not that I reccommend it to anyone or anything. I would have to say the stupider one is also the funner one: climbing a tree while hammered and drinking in a tree. Have you ever gotten drunk in a tree house?! FUCKING EPIC.

Q: Is there a protocol for drinking while your wife is pregnant? Obviously, she can't really drink at all. Are there any rules to this situation?
--S. Strasburg, Washington, DC.
A: I'm not sure there's an exact science to it. It depends how your wife is but I would stray away from drinking anymore than one single beer or one glass of wine. These are what nights out with friends are for--although you probably won't get many. If you really want/need to, then say you have to stay an extra hour for work and go to Happy Hour. Things like that. After all, there's nothing more important to a new marriage than lying about going out drinking after work when your wife's pregnant.

Q: Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper died this week. Can you give us some of your favorite moments from them, on screen or otherwise?
--K. Reeves, ?????
A: Gary Coleman? Was that the bald guy who used to play for the 76ers? As for Dennis Hopper, well, the man was awesome at playing weird villain types. The following two clips are probably my favorite:




Q: Quick--Dispel the myth that people go to Wrigley Field only to drink and party and not to watch the Cubs play baseball.
--G. Coleman, Seattle, WA.
A: I'm a die-hard Cubs fan but nobody can dispel this myth. Most people go to Cubs games to get drunk and have a good time. There are some, like myself, who go to watch the actual baseball game. But that doesn't mean I don't love Wrigley Field. Hell, besides them getting a real scoreboard, there's nothing wrong with it. So it's old? So is my Grandma, that doesn't mean I want to get a new one.

Q: The Subject: Lindsay Lohan. The Question: How many times do you have to wrap it?
--S. Monster, Lost Island.
A: More times than a Cuban cigar. I feel like having sex with Lindsay Lohan, at this point, would be like sticking your penis in a nuclear reactor--who knows how it will come out.

Q: Lee DeWyze is from your hometown and he won American Idol. Is he now the most famous person to ever live in your town?
--P. Hilton, Blogville.
A: No, one of the Spice Girls was born next door to me. Jackass.

Q: How drunk is too drunk for BBQ parties?
--S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH.
A: Depending on the rationing of beer and if you're driving (be safe kids!), it doesn't matter. The hosts want to get rid of all the stuff, especially the crappy beer that your aunt bought two cases of just for herself when she can barely finish 2 bottles. Drink and eat up, that's what the summer is for. Well, that and watching Mexicans cut lawns. It's like an art form!

Q: What would you rather do: have a beer with Obama or a boxing match against him?
--S. Sosa, Santiago, Chile.
A: Instead of asking him about the economy or health care, I'd like to ask him how his FACE is doing after I smash it! Ha-HA! I actually don't have anything against Obama really, I just think it'd be pretty badass to fight a President. Especially since I'd lose.

Q: If you could go back in time and go to one party, which party would it be and why?
--R. Gould, Chicago, IL.
A: Any single one of Hugh Hefner's Birthday parties. It really is that simple. Silly bunny, tricks are for me. What? I don't know, let's move on.

Q: Who is the most annoying/your least favorite sports anchor on ESPN?
--S. Scott, Bristol, CN.
A: God damn it all if I don't hate Chris Berman but he's not even the winner. No, it has to be either Stephen A. Smith or Skip Bayless. What the hell is the matter with those guys? IF I NEEDED TO HEAR YOU TALK LOUDER, I'D TURN MY VOLUME UP. Put them in a room and let them argue together until one of them has a brain hemorrhage.

Q: What is the appropriate amount of drinking that you can do if your boss is present at a company event/happy hour? Conversely, when is it ok to drink at work, if ever?
--F. Lapidus, West Lafeyette, IN.
A: It's appropriate to keep pace with the boss. Depending on your job/boss, you don't want to be hitting on secretaries in front of him. He's got first dibs on them anyway. If the boss leaves work, then I'd say if you got a partner in crime, go for it. Especially if that person is hot. There's nothing hotter than a hot partner in a hot crime.

Q: Which animal would be the funniest to get drunk with if it could talk? The least funny?
--S. Kitison, Hell.
A: Penguins would just be slip sliddin' around. HAhAHAHA. Just imagine it. The least funny would probably be a cat. I hate cats, they're so droll.

Q: What if you hook up with an older lady and it lasts one night. You then meet a young girl and start dating her for a while. You meet her parents and OH! that older lady you hooked up with before you guys met is her mom--and she's still married to the girls dad. What is the appropriate reaction, if any, to this situation?
--J. Chamberlain, NY, NY.
A: That is one of the more awkward situations I've ever heard of. I don't know how that situation could end well, but you HAVE to stay in this relationship until the daughter finds out. Hell, just tell her. That is TOO GOOD of a story to not have. Imagine their reactions! Family dinners = never the same!