Love is Watching Brett Favre Fail. And Sex. Lots and Lots of Sex.

Now that the massive skankbag attention whore Brett Favre has failed, Conan is off the Late Show, and I begin the hell that is marathon training, we all can revert back to bitching about stupid things like Miley Cyrus being a slut and how bad Taylor Swift's new song is. (What? Don't people bitch about those things?) Anyways, I like writing things. Funny things. This is pretty funny, what I'm about to write here. What if TV Shows did spin-offs that we're crazy alcoholic and offensive? FIND OUT MOTHAFRACKERS! Alcoholic TV-Spin Offs

How I Divorced Your Mother
Starring: Tiger Woods, his kids, Bob Saget as the narrator
Spin-Off Of: How I Met Your Mother
The Plot: An alcoholic Tiger Woods, now 260 pounds, tells the kids the story of how he met their mother and what led up to their tragic divorce. The show is much like "Entourage" except that....he's married. That doesn't stop Tiger from becoming a hero, goat, then eventually hero again when he wins his next golf tournament. Also stars John Daly as Tiger's wingman. Laugh track included because it's hilarious. Or something.
Preview: "NEXT WEEK.....TIGER FUCKS BITCHES!"


The Biggest Boozer
Starring: Mel Gibson, Mickey Rourke, Those Chicks On the Sweden Team from Beerfest that were drinking in almost nothing.
Spin-Off Of: The Biggest Loser
The Plot: Much like "Inside the Actors Studio," Gibson and Rourke sit in front of a classroom, drinking scotch, and talking about the annihilation of all minorities. Shown on NBC's "Nobody Watches This Network Now, Anyways" Tuesday Night line-up, right before Leno, there are in-depth arguments as to the destruction of the Jewish people, how to get out of DUI's, and the intricacies of a good bar fight. Rourke says brass knuckles, Gibson says knife attached to boot. By the end of each show, they won't remember they were even there! And neither will the 6 people watching!
Preview: The Season 1 Finale...


Sexter
Starring: Charlie Sheen, Jack Nicholson, Paula Abdul
Spin-Off Of: Dexter
The Plot; Sex addicts Sheen and Nicholson become obsessed with becoming the first to take sultry celebrity Paula Abdul's virginity. In-between trying to hook-up with Abdul, the two buddies learn valuable life lessons such as the power of rum, beer, cocaine, and penicillin. The show, shown on CBS' Wednesday night Drama Line-Up, also focuses on the two trying to learn how to become the best they can be at Sexting. Three thousand girls guest star as former sex partners of Sheen and Nicholson. Far fetched, right?
Preview: Who WOULDN'T center a show around this?!


Rye & Porter: Awesome Vices Unit
Starring: Colin Farrell, Enya, Liam Neeson
Spin-Off Of: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
The Plot: Three Irish Cops and the missions they encounter--off duty! They all frequent a bar called Mickey O'Dolanihan's in central Dublin--OHIO! They all drink large amounts of Rye Whiskey and Porter Brew. Neeson looks for his daughter that has been dead for ten years every episode by using a pool cue as a gun. Enya sings karaoke after 6 whiskeytini's and Colin Farrell hits on all the customer's girlfriend's while slurring something about how he's Alexander the Greatest. Bono guest stars as an interventionist who the three kill.
Preview: "I says OI ! hows boot a saquel ta S.W.A.T?!"


Flight from ParoleBoads
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Andy Dick, Gary Coleman
Spin-Off Of: Flight of the Conchords
The Plot: The shows chronicles of how three drunks attempt to escape out of the drunk tank and avoiding their third DUI conviction by fleeing to Mexico. FOX bills it as "PRISON BREAK mixed with IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA except it sucks!" Andy Dick continuously mistakes Coleman for a small child and attempts to molest him. Downey Jr. thanks god that he got sober and was cast in Iron Man. Can he lay off the booze? Is this premise really that far fetched? TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!! The three talk in New Zealand accents to blend in to the Mexican desert--or so they think.
Preview: "What ARE you talking about, William?"


Binge
Starring: Jack Bauer, Liz Lemon, Michael Scott, and John Locke
Spin-Off Of: Fringe
The Plot: The show explores TV's most famous characters--if they turned to binge drinking instead of their fictional professions! Jack Bauer gets fat and forgets how to beat up anything besides his liver! Liz Lemon becomes a martini addict and actually becomes a better writer but continuously throws up on her laptop when she's about to save her work! Michael Scott becomes a stand-up comedian and gets super famous! John Locke sits inside and feels sorry for himself all day in his Island-themed home! Barney Stinson does the same things as always: suits up, hits ass, and takes names like it ain't a THANG! Also, they all have sex with Liz Lemon and try and squeeze her into their drink. (Haha get it? Because she's named "Lemon"!)
Preview: Who drinks out of a pineapple continuously? SPONGE-BOB SQUAREPANTS!"


Hope you enjoyed my mindless diatribe! See you next timeeeeeeee!

Musically Drunken Achievments of the Decade

I love music. It's always been my support system. A girlfriend for me when I'm single, a shoulder to cry on when I needed one, and an outlet that captures any sort of mood. It is truly the power of music that has affected me, made me feel more emotion than almost any person could. And that's why I've put together a list of the Best 10 Albums of 2000-2009. It won't be my favorites...that would be a laughable list (to some) of pop-punk hooks and little else. These are the best musical achievements. The ones that are so full of emotion they couldn't possibly be ignored. There will be no hip-hop, for that may make you want to dance but it is not achievement. The 10 Best Albums of 2000-2009



10. Relient K-- mmhmm (2004)
Best Songs: "Be My Escape," "High of 75," "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "Live your life for fools that you love" (The One I'm Waiting For)
The Album: Christian rock? Who in God's name cares? Relient K's mmhmm is as sunny as it gets. Every song mixes in soft lyrics about love, happiness, and just trying to be a good person. Their album probably transcends what the band believed the album was about. Relient K has always been a bit on the silly side of music, but with this album, the band put out a perfect album of hope that any age group could identify with. It may be pop-heavy, but sometimes when it's dark and dreary outside and your feeling down, you just want a little sunshine in your headphones.

9. Say Anything - ...Is a Real Boy (2004)
Best Songs: "Alive With the Glory of Love," "Woe," "Admit it!!!"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "That boy, he, that boy's got woe." (Woe)
The Album: Say Anything is clearly not a band for everyone. But Max Bemis' lyrical output on ...Is a Real Boy is something that most songwriters wish they could accomplish. He may not have the best voice in the world, but the album is full of clever lyricism and "We're Gonna Get You Hooked, No Matter How Disturbing You Feel Afterwards." It's really about a boy going through a lot of shit, but it's what he's gone through that drives the album. Because without problems and shortcomings, the great things in life, like this album, might not exist.

8. Taking Back Sunday- Tell All Your Friends (2002)
Best Songs: "You're So Last Summer," "Cute Without the E," "Timberwolves at New Jersey"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "This song was only wishful thinkin'..." (Cute Without the "E")
The Album: The album that, through my teenage years, best described the way it felt to be miserable in love during that period. It's certainly not a happy album--but that's not what gives it feeling. It's a break-up album. A "you never loved me" album. It's angry but it's that catchy anger that made it loveable, even if it was only pumping your stereo because of loss in the first place.

7. Something Corporate- Live at the Ventura Theater (2004)
Best Songs: "I Woke Up in a Car," "Hurricane," "Konstantine," "Walking By"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "And these nights I get high just from breathing, and when I lie here with you, I'm sure that I'm real." (Walking By)
The Album: Perhaps cheating by putting a live album on the list, I really don't care. Something Corporate (more so Andrew McMahon) has been one of my favorite bands for the entire decade. I feel like they were always one or two songs from putting together a really complete album...so I chose one that combines their best. Besides having "Konstantine," a song that is so good it should have it's own planet, the album shows why people have basically started a cult to the band's lead singer, Andrew McMahon. Whatever songs you hear through your headphones are one hundred times better live. It's not the most mature set of songs--but it doesn't make me feel every word any less.

6. Fountains of Wayne- Welcome Interstate Managers (2003)
Best Songs: "Hey Julie," "All Kinds of Time," "Bright Future in Sales"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "I tried to change, but I changed my mind" (Mexican Wine)
The Album- I've always been sad that Fountains of Wayne have never gotten more popular, and this album is a fine example of how awesome some of their lyricism and catchy hooks can be. Besides their big hit "Stacey's Mom," the album is full of indie-pop goodness that begs for you to sing along. Every song, from the ridiculously catchy "Hey Julie" to the slower, but serene "All Kinds of Time," brings something unique and quirky, yet still able to bring out emotion while driving down those empty roads.

5. The Postal Service- Give Up (2003)
Best Songs: "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight," "Such Great Heights," "Sleeping In," "Clark Gable"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "And when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home." (Such Great Heights)
The Album: I never really expected that an album like this could sneak into this list, but this decade has really changed some of my musical tastes. The album is very electronic, more so than I usually enjoy. But as a lover of Ben Gibbard of Death Cab, it really changed my mind and allowed me to see how beautiful this album really can be. The lyrics aren't always top-notch but it's the emotion and reality in Gibbard that makes the album really come alive and become beautiful, depending on how you're listening to it.

4. Lucky Boys Confusion- Throwing the Game (2001)
Best Songs: "Fred Astaire," "Slip," "Do You Miss Me"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "Don't push so hard, nothing is ever easy." (Fred Astaire)
The Album: LBC is a band that will always have a special place in my heart. This album is definitely their best. It brought out their ability to combine their pop-punk sound with reggae and hip-hop, producing an extremely unique blend of rock-out party anthems. They sing about drinking, smoking, and Chicago because that's what they know. From the ultra-fast paced "3 to 10" and "Dumb Pop Song" to the slower, more emotional beats like "Slip" and "Not About Debra," the album come across with a ferocious, commanding presence that has one of the more unique sounds out there.

3. Death Cab for Cutie- Transatlantacism (2001)
Best Songs: "Transatlanticism," "Passenger Seat," "The Sound of Settling"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "To call at 7:03 and on your machine, I slur a plea for you to come home, but it's too late" (A Lack of Color)
The Album: Death Cab has never been afraid to switch up their styles and experiment. But it's on Transatlantacism where they are it's simplest and most serene. On tracks like "Passenger Seat" and "Transatlanticism," you can almost hear the pleas for lost love to return as if they were your own. They resonate so powerful, coming through lead singer Ben Gibbard's delicate voice. Everything comes through so personal. Numerous tracks on the album continue to give me chills, even as I listen to it for umpteenth time straight through. Their follow up's Plans and Narrow Stairs were great as well--but there's no beating this.

2. Radiohead- Kid A (2000)
Best Songs: "How to Disappear Completely," "High and Dry," "The National Anthem"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "I float down the Liffey, I'm not here, this isn't happening" (How to Disappear Completely)
The Album: Radiohead has cemented it's legacy in musical history as being one of the most influential bands of our time. OK Computer, done in the 90's, is simply one of the most brilliant albums ever put together. Kid A is another beautiful album put together from the band. "How to Disappear Completely" might be one of the most beautiful, saddening songs I've ever heard. But it's not the songs by themselves that make the album great...it's the album as a whole where you can really see how great it is. It's like a puzzle, interesting separated, but beautiful when put together.

1. Jack's Mannequin- Everything in Transit (2005)
Best Songs: "The Mixed Tape," "Dark Blue," "La La Lie"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "Fuck yeah, we can live like this" (Holiday from Real)
The Album: I know--it's not your favorite, or even something you'd put on your top 10. But I'm not you. Jack's Mannequin--more so it's lead singer/songwriter Andrew McMahon--has gotten me through so much. My break-ups, my new beginnings, my dreams, and my nightmares. Everything I've ever gone through could be described through this album. It's the happiest album when I want it to be and saddest when I need it to be. But it's there. Everything in Transit has become more than an album to me--it's become a friend. And the man who wrote it has become my role model. The great thing about music is this: this album might pass you by without a thought. But me? It's one of the most important things in my life.

Drunken Landmass

What's the story morning glory?! Oh, Oasis. Anyways, I've been thinking about how drunk people are all the time and it makes me think--which continent's are the drunkest? The weakest? I didn't know! And since I don't have a job, it's been driving me CRAZY! I'm just sitting around the house, screaming at Oprah "WHAT CONTINENT DRINKS THE MOST OPRAH?! YOU MUST KNOW!" Finally, I decided to do some research instead of inanely screaming at the television, since I don't want to become a cat lady when I'm 23. Here's what I found: From Soberest to Drunkest: Ranking the Drunkenness of the Continents. ANTARCTICA NOT INCLUDED FOOLS!

(Ranked from Soberest to Drunkest. Ex= #6 is the soberest, #1 is drunkest)

6. Asia
The Drunkest People: Thai, Chinese, and Koreans.
Slackers: Saudi Arabia, Iran, India, all the Muslim countries really.
The Ranking: If Russia was included, it might be higher....but the drunk part of Russia is mostly in Europe. Asia suffers from Muslim-itis, in that many of the Muslim countries ban alcohol all together. So not even the billions in the far far East could save Asia from being in last with the nonexistence of alcohol in the Middle East. Get with the times, Muslims! Drunkenness brings you closer to Allah! Just ask all those afros that go Muslim while in jail!

5. Africa
The Drunkest People: Uganda, Nigeria, Swaziland, Burundi. (If you've heard of 2 or more of these, gold star for you!)
Slackers: Egypt, Sudan, Libya, Algeria, Niger, Somalia, Ethiopia. (If you haven't heard of at least 3 of these, you are a moron)
The Ranking: Unfortunately, like Asia, Africa has many Muslim countries in the north that ban alcohol all together. Also, most African countries are so poor their official currency is "Dirt/Leaves." The lovely people of Uganda are doing straight up WORK, with the highest percentage of alcoholism in the world. Unfortunately, African warlords make it difficult to document things like this, not to mention the market price of a 5 kilos of blow on the open market. (What? I needed to know this for my missionary work in (blindly points at map) Libya.) Africa is fucked up, too fucked up to actually be getting fucked up all the time. I have heard good things about palmwine, an African delicacy that apparently tastes like paint thinner. So....they got that. Which is nice.

4. South America
The Drunkest: Argentina, Uruguay, Venezuela, French Guyana.
Slackers: Paraguay, Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Chile, Suriname.
The Ranking: South America is a tricky continent. On one hand, they have party countries like Brazil and Argentina, but so many of the other countries are not into it. It's a damn shame, really. Perhaps that's why it's BELOW North America. (Haha...get it?) Although South America might be displeased with their spot on this list, just know that you would be #1 if it were a list for "Attractive Continents." Ay curumba! Just thinking about it has me all caliente!

3. North America
The Drunkest: United States (College kids and Irish only), Canada, Dominica, Haiti, Bahamas. (Starts to make Haiti joke but remembers it happened less than a week ago and restrains self...) Hey, maybe Haiti is being (STOP!). Nevermind.
Slackers: Guatemala, Cuba, Honduras, Mexico. (Insert joke about Mexicans being in the "Slackers" category. Somethings just work themselves out.)
The Ranking: Remember when you forgot Haiti was a country until last week? Well, now alcoholism will go way up there! Also, college students and Canadians have piggybacked North America up to #3 for their impressive beer drinking performances. Unfortunately, if it were "Attractive Continents" we'd be last. But that's neither here nor there! We are the land of Jack Daniels and the home of Keystone! We can't make good beer here...but at least we can drink it! Take THAT Zimbabwe! HA!

2. Oceania
The Drunkest: Australia, New Zealand, Marshall Islands.
Slackers: Papua New Guinea, Fiji, Tonga, French Polynesia.
The Ranking: It's really all Australia and New Zealand here. There, they sure can bring it. The Aussies and the Kiwi's can certainly down their fruit salads! And Fosters! Ain't that Australian for whiskey? Hey, I mean, you had Steve Irwin. Lord of the Rings. The Olympics. That Opera House. Flight of the Conchords. Ummm....the flight that crashes in LOST takes off from there. (Anybody know anything else from these countries?) HEY! How bout those Lord of the Rings movies?! Wait...Damnit, I already said that. Uhhhhh....(dances).

1. Europe
The Drunkest: Spain, Portugal, England, Ireland, Germany, Holland, Austria, Crotia, Czech Republic, Moldova, France, Luxembourg, Hungary, Slovakia, Lithuania, Russia, Latvia, Estonia, Switzerland, Finland, Denmark, Greece.
Slackers: Turkey, Sweden, Norway.
The Ranking: Europe is one big party! Beer in the morning noon and night! Wine for lunch, Sangria for breakfast! Ouzo all night and promiscuous sex for money all day! When it all comes down to it though, Europe has earned their place at the top. Look at all those alcoholic countries. We should all stand up and give a great big round of applause for the Europeans and their lack of respect for their livers. Except to the French. We should punch them. In the balls. IT WAS A HANDBALL NO I WILL NOT GET OVER IT! CHOKE ON YOUR BORDEAUX FRENCHIE!

Well, there you have it. It's nice to get that information out of the way and into the open. Aren't you glad that you know all this now? I thought you would be. That's why I wrote it...for you. But, much like before sex, I have no time to wrap this up. So I'll catch you all when I catch you: on the flip side, yo!

Recession Proofs: How to Drink For Free

With tough times hitting everyone's wallet, it's at this time more than ever that it's important to save some cash. Well, that doesn't mean you necessarily have to give up fun. Just find more creative ways to have it! If you feel as if you still must go out (and let's be honest--if you're reading this, you probably do), I've put together a few ways you can save some cash by not having to pay for those pesky expensive drinks. Here are 6 Ways to Drink for Free.

Be Very, Very Attractive
How to Prepare: Do your hair, spray on some cologne/perfume, get on the treadmill, hope you were blessed with a favorable bone structure.
How It Works: The easiest and most effective way of getting free drinks is to be hot. Obviously, there's not much to it. Sit at the bar, flash a few glances, and BOOM! Drink's are freer than America on the 4th of July. Of course this works better if you're female but that doesn't mean it can't work for males. You just have to look really good and pray on the weak. It's been done for centuries, why stop now?
Pictured: Billy Zane always drinks free, bitches.


Flask
How to Prepare: Pour alcohol into flask, put flask in pocket, go to bar, don't be retarded.
How It Works: Ever since drunk-driving became so faux pas, bars have been giving out free soft drinks (read: mixers) to designated drivers. There's no reason in this struggling economy that you shouldn't take advantage of their offer. Get your free Sprite, go to the bathroom, and pour in some vodka. That's a free $6 cocktail right there, ladies and gents. For of those of you not blessed with a flask...well, you're reading a blog about alcoholism. I'm going to assume you have a flask.
Pictured: Don't get confused--this isn't science class.


Identity Theft
How to Prepare: Steal Someone Else's Credit Card or Money.
How It Works: Is there someone you hate? I mean, like, a lot. If so, steal their wallet, take their credit card, and put it back (you don't want them canceling it--if it's all missing they'll cancel it. If just the credit card is missing, they'll look for it for a while). Go to your favorite bar and start a tab. I recommend taking complete advantage of this situation while you can. Grey goose martini's to those two decent looking girls should automatically not only make you look like a badass, but also in a position to get some bad ass. Identity Theft is extremely effective and requires very little effort. I assume that's why it's so popular.
Pictured: That's right--be the victor.


Tell People You Have Cancer
How to Prepare: Wear a hat so it looks like you have no hair, get a fake hospital wristband, prepare some funny cancer jokes to show you still have a sense of humor about it.
How It Works: Perhaps not the most ethical way to get free drinks, but a way nonetheless (After all, you're still reading this after I suggested identity theft). There's nothing that hits people harder than the "c" word. Cancer is deadly--and there's no way people are gonna let you pay for drinks while you've got one last night to have fun before starting chemo. Hell, you might even get some sympathy sex. The only problem may be that you can only use this once per bar, so maybe make it at a bar you may not go to for a while. And remember kiddies--the later the stage of the disease, the higher the class of the drinks. This also works with break-ups, deaths in the family, and horrific train accidents that your fiancee got in (hey, just thinking outside the box).
Pictured: What? Black people do it all the time.


Become a Con-Artist
How to Prepare: Look Unsuspecting, Think of a Good Ol' Fashioned Ruse, Prepare to Get Ass-Kicked.
How It Works: Usually not recommended, but hell, times are tough. There are millions of ways to do it. Maybe stop a girl from drinking her drink, tell her you saw someone put something it, tell her you'll get her a new one and walk off with it. Just think of an excuse if she asks you about it later. Go around with raffle tickets and a jar and sell them to morons for $2. Like you can't get three idiots at a bar to believe you? This idea WILL piss people off, very much so. So you might need to plan on bar-hopping on a night you do this. Just so, you know, you don't die for a vodka/cranberry.
Pictured: They got people to believe Bernie was dead--twice!


Buy an Auto-Tune Machine
How to Prepare: Go on Iphone, Buy T-Pain Autotune Application, Tell Bar Your Band Will Play All Night for Free Drinks.
How It Works: Yup, even for drinking free, there's an "App" for that! People love auto-tuned shit these days. It's horrific but who cares? Buy an auto-tune machine and pretend you have a band. Pre-record a bunch of shitty music auto-tuned with a similar beat that people can dance to. Most bars will let you play it if you only ask for free drinks. It may be a little more work than the rest but really, if you're thinking of ways to try and get free drinks, you've probably got some time on your hands. Wait--I think I just insulted myself.
Pictured: Worked for him and I doubt he's got a BA.


Well, I hope I helped a little bit. You people enjoy your weekend, YA HEAR?! Until next time, aur revoir mis bonita readers.

The 10 Steps to Happiness: Levels of Drunk

I know it's been a lackluster year so far here at the blog in 2010, but that's going to change. I've got a lot of compliments of my levels of sports fandom blog I did last year...so I thought I'd carry on that tradition. Of course, now that the blog is exclusively alcohol-related so I figured I'd take it in a different direction. What exactly are the levels of drunkenness? For some, they are difficult to gauge. But there are commonalities in the drunken states that we all occasionally find ourselves in. Here are the 10 Levels of Drunkenness.

Level 1: Tipsy
Common Traits: Giggly, Smiley-Faced, "OH YEAH I KNOW HIM!"
The Level: Tipsy, as said by J-Kwon, is what everyone in the club is getting. It's not drunk at all, really. More just an acknowledgment (or reminder) that "that's alcohol you're drinking, there." It won't get the shy kid to start singing Britney Spears on top of the bar, but it'll get him to start to loosen up a bit and maybe start talking about how the Bulls should probably fire Del Negro already. It's the perfect kind of drunk for a first date: loosened up enough to maybe make a mistake but not enough to blame it on the alcohol.
Pictured: This is like half a glass for a horse.


Level 2: "OK, I'm feeling it..."
Common Traits: Lightheaded, Braggy, "Haha, That's not what Monica told me..."
The Level: When you're feeling it, as the Black Eyed Peas would say, tonight's gonna be a good night. It's still not very high up on the scale, but it's enough to turn giggles to fits of laughter. The ugly people aren't attractive yet (still a ways away from that) but you might be planting the seeds of "Oh, he's kind of funnny...." at this point. Achieved by 1 margarita (for a man) and 2 sips of a margarita (for a girl). Not ready to dance yet but not ready to NOT dance, either. Boom.
Pictured: Ok, the conversion rate can differ....


Level 3: Over the Limit
Common Traits: Starting to Groove, "Oh Hell Yeah," "Ok, Fine, I'll go out..."
The Level: It's where, as ABBA would say, one can just become the dancing queen. No longer are you able to drive but that doesn't mean the night's over. Oh no, on the contrary. It's where one start to find their "groove thing." Finally feeling it enough to maybe dance. At the point where "Ay Bay Bay" actually sounds like a decent song. It's at this point where most people get the brilliant idea to belt out "let's get hammered baby!" Looking back on the night, you can foreshadow the regret you feel the next morning at this point.
Pictured: It's in your future...


Level 4: "Whooooo!"
Common Traits: Volume Increased, Attention Span Decreased, Seizure-Like Dance Moves (White People Only)
The Level: It's where, as T-Pain would say, guys will finally buy you a drank. Where "Whoo!"-Girls finally show their true selves. It's where your inhibition is lost and nothing else matters but having a good time for the rest of the night. Where guys finally get the courage to start hitting on woman at their equal level of attractiveness. Suddenly shots are not only encouraged, but for some reason mandatory. Where most people reach their apex of beer pong abilities. Also where stumbling begins but only once in a while. The point where most girls will start to spill all the secrets their friends just made them promise not to tell anyone. The point most guys will start lying about how much action they got from that girl to save face.
Pictured: Former MLB Superscumbag Jim Edmonds in-between striking out and overdiving for fly balls.


Level 5: Drunk
Common Traits: Dumbed-Down Arguments, Puckered Lips to Show How Cool that Person Is, Hands Raised Above Head (Girls Only) for Maximum Cool Effect
The Level: It's where, as Petey Pablo would say, one must "come on and raise up." Especially if you're from North Carolina. Congratulations, you have finally crossed into drunk! Nothing else matters but your buzz and your level of fun for the night at this point. Everyone else is now irrelevant. Besides members of the opposite sex, of course. It's where your genitalia says "You know, I wouldn't mind if you used me besides to piss once in a while..." Also the level where people begin to make absurd claims such as "Tequila? Nope, doesn't affect me at all." Or "What you drinking brah? Sex on the beach? More like period on the beach. HA!" "Whaaat?" Roasted.
Pictured: Token picture of a black person so I don't seem racist.


Level 6: "You know, Fuck You, Jesse McCartney is awesome!"
Common Traits: Slurred Speech, Dazed Look, Craving High-Fat Foods, Singing Everything that Even Resembles a Song.
The Level: This is where, as 3OH!3 would say, girls start to do the Hellen Keller (as offensive as it may be). You've decided to move on past drunk! Congratulations! Your head will hurt a little in the morning. Where all you wanna do is dance and have sex. And drink much, much more. Where most people lose control of any sort of cares at all in the world including the following obligations the next day: attend a funeral, take a final, be part of a wedding, work, church, and/or voting. It's at this point where people at this level have "deep" conversations and make friends out of complete strangers for no other reason than you are both drinking red wine on the dance floor. Wait...what?
Pictured: See? Friend's forever...


Level 7: "Is that guy staring at me? F**K YOU BUDDY!"
Common Traits: Lack of Self-Awareness, Feeling "Invincible", Ability to make Extremely Rash Decisions, Ability to Make Complete Ass of Self.
The Level: It's where, as Nelly Furtado would say, one becomes a promiscuous girl (if you're female or gay). Where are you? In out of control town, population you. Dance as white as you possibly can. Pick up lines go from good to "You're ass looks hot in those jeans, reminds me of my stepsister." The power of suggestion works well on this level. Someone thinks you can't chuck that Long Island Iced Tea? Fuck them, it's on. Think you can't jump that fire hydrant even though it's really icy out? Jokes on them, I got health insurance anyway BRAH! Fighting always seems like a good idea, especially if it's someone who can kick your ass. (Girl Equivalent: Starting to spread lies about girls they hate. It's emotionally crippling instead of a broken nose.)
Pictured: I LOVE THIS SONG STRANGER!


Level 8: Hammered
Common Traits: Falling Down, Telling People About Their Rock Collection, Creepy, Swaying Back and Forth, Screaming at Highlights to Sports as if they were Currently Happening.
The Level: It's where, as Kanye would say, "I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT BEYONCE DOES KARAOKE BETTER!" You have officially fallen off the wagon of civilization and entered a level where anything and everything could and might just happen. That ugly guy/girl from across the bar is now Brad Pitt/Jessica Alba. Your speech is more slurred than Lil Wayne's is sober. Everything is hilarious, brilliant, or epic. Where people do stuff they say they'd never do. Because if you don't say it, who's gonna scream "MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT DREWWWWWWW" on the karaoke mic about your ex-boyfriend?
Pictured: Everyone's got a purpose, you know.


Level 9: Blacked Out
Common Traits: Throwing Up, Grinding with a Mannequin, Yelling Profane Disgusting Thing at People That Really Don't Deserve that at all. Where the part of the brain obsessed with sex becomes your whole brain.
The Level: It's where, as Hilary Duff would say, Why Not? There's no reason not to do anything anything anymore, you won't remember it anyway, remember? You have reached a level only achievable by the Rex Grossman's of the world. You feel like you might puke, but you won't remember if you did, so keep drinking, you amateur. It's at this level where not even Nostradamus could predict what might happen to you. The next morning you will have 2 or more of the following on or near you: bruises, vomit, condom wrapper, extremely ugly person (not including yourself), unfinished food, a broken phone (yours or otherwise), a drink, pee, poo, sharpie drawing of a penis on your face, or women's underwear on your head.
Pictured: What you might wake up--sooner or later.


Level 10: Alcohol Poisoning
Common Traits: Vomiting, Hospital Visits, Doctors Scoffing "Ugh, Another one of those...," Death.
The Level: It's where, as Tupac would say, I'm dead. Unfortunately, this is not a happy level. Only bad things happen. Vomiting with blood in it, usually, is a tell-tale sign you might need to dial 911. Also, people will go from concern to thinking you are a jackass when they hear that you're in the hospital until they hear why. It's the Lindsay Lohan level that few achieve and fewer live through. But worry not, silly alcohol drinker, a simple stomach pump will put you back in action. After all: that case of Natty isn't gonna finish itself.
Pictured: Not as cute as this picture would suggest.



There you have it. A personal level of drunk chart to consult on your future adventures. But that'll be all for now. After all, Level 5 isn't gonna reach itself....

I'm So Druankkkkkkk

There are certain things that drive girls wild. Dance beats. Comic books. Watching Fox News. Yup, girls are strange creatures. But us men, we are quite unintelligent and will do anything to sleep with women. After all, women basically get to decide who sleeps with who. Unless their hookers. To help you out men, I've organized a comprehensive guide that can tell you if you are being played or what. Here's 25 Things That Are Better Drunk

1. Boobs.
2. Watching Sports. But Not Women's Sports, Those aren't Sports.
3. Taking a Test and Know That You're Failing It While Taking It.
4. Bragging to Your D.D. about How Awesome the Night Was on the Ride Home.
5. Being "that" jackass and yelling "Freebird!" at any concert ever.
6. Painting over the "s" and "d" in the word speed on a speed limit sign.
7. Sex. Obviously, did you really think I was going to leave this off?
8. Family Parties.
9. Going to a baseball game and standing up every time there's a pop up because you're that guy who thinks it could be a home run.
10. Getting out of a speeding ticket.
11. Posting on your grandma's Facebook wall.
12. Getting kicked out of Applebee's for peeing in your water so you "didn't have to pay for lemonade."
13. Telling 6-Years Old the Tooth Fair is "Just a Bunch of Horsecrap--like The fucking Eagles."
14. Showing Up Anywhere Naked.
15. Getting lost and asking a homeless guy for a ride.
16. Chugging the Communion wine at church.
17. Tackling (or Being) a Mall Santa/Easter Bunny.
18. Sending out a mass text to everyone in your phone book that just says "fuck you" and seeing what happens.
19. Screaming the last word of everyone sentences and saying "whooooooo!!!!" after that word.
20. Ask a girl what kind of drink she wants, then take it from the bartender and start drinking it, say "Mmmmm, this is good, thanks for the suggestion!" and walk away from that girl, seeing her face in utter confusion.
21. Taking a bubble bath using bubble gum.
22. Flashing the Cops while yelling "Oink Oink!"
23. Taking 2 Viagra Before Going Out to a Bar
24. Yelling "L'Chiem!" Before the Couple Finish their Vows at a Wedding.
25. Eating Soup with a Fork.

Yes, I Always Wondered What Having Sex On The Moon Would Feel Like, Although It'd Probably Be Hard, and Other Hungover Nonsense: The January Mailbag

It's a new year...but the mailbag ain't changing, that's for sure! Welcome to 2010....where the mailbag will only get hotter, more raunchy, and even some improvement in the quality of writing (maybe). But anyways...introductions are for people who like wasting time. Let's get to the January Mailbag


Q: Who is a more talented artist Lady Gaga or Britney Spears? Who do you like better personally?
--S. Jillie, Vacationforeverville.
A: This is a tough question. I feel like Lady Gaga probably has more talent, especially since Britney got popular for dancing around as an 18 year old in a schoolgirl outfit. So Gaga. How much that's saying is debatable, though.

Q: What's your favorite kind of whiskey?
--W. Shatner's Stop and Go Voice, Ranchville, WY.
A: Known to be a fine purveyor of whiskey, there are many, many kinds that I do enjoy. As for my favorite--it's so hard to choose--but I'd have to say that Seagrams 7 is my favorite. I mean you can make something sweet, something sour, something ANYTHING with it. But I mean, this question is ridiculous. I love whiskey in general. It's like sex or pizza...bad is still better than nothing.

Q: I'm a girl. I've always heard that girls drink free in bars but I've never figured out how to actually get free drinks. Do you have any tips as to how to get free drinks, since I'm poor and don't feel like paying?
--M. Cyrus' Expaning Maturity, Disneyland, CA.
A: What are you, ten years old and fat? Here are the 5 steps to getting free drinks at bars for girls:
1) Approach a guy, but make sure you are out of his league
2) Flirt with him for approximately 16 seconds.
3) Ask him to buy you a drink.
4) Take a few sips and flirt for a few more seconds (if you wanna be nice).
5) Walk away and repeat.

Q; Why should I listen to Howie Long when it comes to truck buying? And for that matter, is there any way to beat him in a fight?
--T. Bradshaw's Very Annoying Personality, FoxStudios, Republicanville.
A: Because Howie Long is a man. Not just a man, but a MAN. As for fighting him, I think that if you got enough whiskey in Howie and kicked him in the balls, you could get a few shots in before he murdered you.

Q: What is, in your opinion, the worst political decision of the last decade?
--R. Limabugh's Unfilled Prescriptions, Washington RX.
A: I'm tempted to say something about Bush, since I'm so used to going there when thinking about bad political decisions. But, since I'm in a nice mood, I'll go with Congress or whoever in the government and their decision to feel the need to have a hearing on Roger Clemens. Seriously? I don't pay or care to hear about Roger Clemens and his douche steroid use, pedofila, and overall crap poop that is what's coming out of his mouth. Don't waste my tax money on faux trials so the GOV can get some PUB.

Q: If Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have a child, will it end the world?
--D. Beckham's Bending _ick, LA, CA.
A: Well, no. But only because they need to have four kids that look like horsemen, then the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse will be alive and well, living among us, no doubt begging for our attention.

Q: Where is the best place to vacation on every major holiday (i.e. where can I get drunk for cheap)?
--J. Travolta's Fear of Women, Spokane, WA.
A: I'll only use the days that are national holidays, i.e. you'd get off work or school for.
New Years Day: If you really need to drink, NEW Mexico. It's like the old one, except it smells better.
MLK Jr. Day: Anywhere in the North, since the South still hates blacks.
St. Patty's Day: Dublin. Moron.
Easter: Mexico. Aren't they religious or something?
Memorial Day: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.
4th of July: Oregon. Talk to Shaune. He'll hook you up with whatever you need.
Labor Day: Vegas. Sex workers don't get off AND you can start betting on football.
Thanksgiving: Go to Turkey and laugh about the irony.
Christmas: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.

Q: How is Magic Johnson still alive, let alone announcing? Didn't he get AIDS in like 1990?
--G. Areanas' Unpaid Gambling Debts, TheGunStore.
A: I'm convinced that Magic Johnson's blood is the cure for AIDS and that Magic Johnson is a douche. Guy looks exactly the same as he did when he announced he had it. WTF. Aren't you supposed to lose weight?! Look sick?! Guy has probably put ON muscle. oh Oh OH it's MAGIC.

Q: Got any New Year's Resolution?
--J. Z.'s Extremely Attractive Female Counterpart, Ghettonation.
A: Yeah, to stop answering stupid questions like yours.

Q: What are some movies I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T MISS THIS YEAR? Also, how does it feel to be one of the only people left to not see Avatar that likes movies like you?
--B. Spears' Love of Bald Heads, Crazytown, TN.
A: I'll give you a little list of some movies I think can't miss this year. If I'm wrong about any, I'll buy you a shot:
Shutter Island (February)
Green Zone (March)
Iron Man 2 (May)
Get Him to the Greek (June) (2010's The Hangover Belie' that.
Toy Story 3 (June)
Inception (July)
Harry Potter Deathly Hollows (Nov)
As for anything else, idk. I'm sure there will be indie movies throughout the year that I won't hear of until a week before I see them (i.e. 500 Days of Summer and Slumdog Millionaire) that will be good hopefully. But these are my only guarantees.

Q: Which of the following props would you use during sex: handcuffs, whip, dildo, videocamera, belt, blindfold, and gag.
D. Jeter's Bright Blue Eyes, NY, NY.
A: Handcuffs, Whip, Camera, Belt, Blindfold, and the gag if it's not on me. Dildo? Get the fuck out of here. Keep that shit in the drawer, ladies, it's the least you can do. I mean, I delete the "last websites visited" stuff off my computer before you come over. And it's usually porn. So fair's fair.

Q: Your favorite show, LOST, is ending after it's next season forever. What's the best ending to a show you've ever seen? The worst?
--S. Rogen's Liposuction Surgery, American Samoa.
A: This is such a tough question since I just finished Six Feet Under and the ending was perfect for that show. I mean, The Wire is the best show of the decade, maybe ever, and it's ending was fitting, but not overwhelming. The problem is nowadays that shows always overstay their welcomes and the endings become irrelevant. I'll get the worst over with first...it's definitely Seinfeld, considering it's popularity. It's as if they intentionally chose something that nobody could guess, but I'm sorry, it was batshit stupid. The best, however, might just have to be Six Feet Under. Not to say that it's the best show or anything like that but it had the most overwhelmingly good ending I've ever seen. Hopefully I'll be changing my tune when LOST ends.

Q: What's the most off-putting words that you can use for both male and female genitalia?
--E. Nordegren's Improving Golf Swing, Tiger Wood's House.
A: Yikes. As for male genitalia, the most off-putting word to use for a penis is "sausage" or any derivation about meat. I don't really like it. As for women's, it's obvious: "baby maker." No. Never. Not even if you're trying to have a kid. Instant boner killer.

Q: Britney Spears dyed her hair black. Wouldn't it be cool if a girl dyed her pubic hair (or shaved it) a different, weird color? What if a guy did that?
--A. Carter's Ability to Beat Shaq, StraightUpInTheHood
A: The only thing "cool" about pubic hair is not having it. If you have a little and you died it a weird color, well it ain't gonna stop me from going down on a girl. But I'm certainly not going to discuss how awesome it was that "OH I WENT DOWN ON HER AND SHE HAD NEON ORANGE PUBES!" False. As for men....the same. Just shave most of it damnit. Pubic hair is gross and you'll get alot more head if you do. At least I will. Maybe not you. Me, yes. You, maybe.

Q: If you had to have sex in front of three people, anyone in the world, who would it be and why? Has anyone ever watched you before?
--J. Shore's Inherent Douchiness, Scumville, NJ.
A: Nobody has ever watched me before and I don't think I'd really like it--probably too much pressure. But if I had to pick three people, I'd pick Tiger Woods since he could give me pointers, Padma from Top Chef cause she could have a nice quiche ready for me when I'm done, and Michelle Obama. Just so I'd have SOMETHING over Obama. The only thing you'll need to change after that is your wife's underwear, Barack. BOOMBAMA!

Q: How does one go for eight days without the following: sex, oral sex, handjobs (self-inflicted or otherwise), or any sort of "finish" and stay sane?
--C. Farrell's Very Hot Irish Accent That's Better Than Any England Accent Cause England Sucks, Dublin, Ireland.
A: One drinks alot. One eats alot. One smokes alot. One goes insane every other moment of everyday every hour every minute every second everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyMOMMMMMMMENTTTTTTT. DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE.

Q: Hey Brando, I hear you're a godfather now. What's your favorite mob movie of all time?
--M. Brando's Dead But Still Fat Behind, ALbany, NY.
A: My favorite mob movie of all time is The Departed. Listen, I love Godfather and Goodfellas and all that jazz but The Departed just hits me. Loaded cast, great dialogue. It's just a sexy experience for lovers of violence and the F word.

Q: What's the best drunk food you could possibly have in Chicago, IL? I just moved here and am a near alcoholic.
--D. Schrute's Love of Beets, Scranton, PN.
A: I have been and always will be a pizza guy. Although I'm not familiar with many food areas in the city, the best pizza I've had while drinking/after drinking is at Piece in Wicker Park (I think). It's really good and it's a microbrewery...so there's no reason you have to lose your buzz.

Q: Re-Write a Song for Me. Any song. Just re-write it so it's all about alcohol and partying. Pull no punches.
--V. Hot Blonde I Turned Down Last Night, The Internet.
A: For my symphony of drunkenness, I choose 3OH!3's "Don't Trust Me" because of course I do:
Black beer with whiskey underneath,
All this Guinness has stained my teeth.
And that actress doing lines of keef,
She's so drunk she wouldn't know chicken from beef.

T-t-the drinks taste kinda weak,
While my tongue taste kinda like I licked a leaf.
She told her boyfriend "Hey, yo, chief"
That guy's a barbarian and he stole our Jack & Jim.

I want to drink it, Whoa Oh
I want to shot it, Whoa Oh,
i want to stumble ho-ho-ho-ho home
Don't trust the blow, Never Trust the Blow, Won't Trust, Cause the Blow Fucks Up Me.

Exit's and scrapes on my hands
Always in my future since I won't comply with demands
And the drink list, I spit on that page
Then hit on some chick since I know she's engaged.

S-S-She's not giving into my charm
I wonder if this works back in Veitnam.
And the best is, back in Myanmar
Just a few places I;ve got kicked out of so far.

She wants my drink, Whoa Oh
I want my drink, Whoa Oh,
I think I'll trade it for a blow-oh-oh-oh
Trade your drink for sex, Always trade for Sex, Will Trade, Cause Sex fills me with Glee.

Shush girl, shut your lips
If I wanted to hear you talk I wouldn't have made you strip
(repeat 3 times)

I'll let her drink it, Whoa Oh
I'll have a little, Whoa Oh
This verse sucks, whoa oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Drinks over hoes, Always Booze Befo, Don't Drink if you're Expecting.

That's it for the mailbag this month--aur revoir muchachas!