12/20/2012: I'm RSVP'ing

As you probably know, the Mayans predicted long ago that the world would end on December 21, 2012. And although I hope that the world last a little longer, there is some upside, believe it or not. Especially if we KNOW it's going to end. Because if you know that it's your last day on Earth, you're gonna fucking live it up like no other. So, even though my friend wanted this entire blog to be dedicated to 12/21/12, I'll give him one blog post. Here's An End of the World Party Preview. I'll give you 8 Likely Elements of an End-of-the-World Party.

#1: Free Booze
That Indian guy behind the counter at the liquor store? Yeah, he's not going to care about you taking 25 bottles of Jack Daniels or a case of Kristal. Because he's not going to fucking be there. You can acquire all the free booze you want. Finally, you'll be able to try that $160 scotch you always wanted to taste. Any drink imaginable will be at the party. You want a Grand Marnier and Pineapple Juice? That sounds disgusting, but yeah, we got that! Your a guy and you want to try one of those fruity Hawaiian drinks? That's a little feminine, but fuck it, we'll all be dead tomorrow! The limitless possibilities for drink creation will only be hampered by the fact that there will no longer be a such thing as alcohol the day after. Plus, you wouldn't have to pay for SHIT! How awesome would that be.
Tomorrow only. Cause you'll be dead the day after:




















#2: Free Food
Are you a healthy eater? Well, what the fuck does it matter anymore? Have that meat lovers pizza with the cheesy bread crust! Try that roast duck with the mango salsa! You've never had curly fries? Cook that shit up! You'll have to make everything yourself but who cares? Try anything and everything you want. Throw calories into the wind. Eat a 120-ounce steak or a 20 scoop sundae. Calories seem meaningless when death is imminent. You may as well try everything and anything. Fuck fruits and veggies. Use them for your alcohol smoothies during the party! Supreme nachos, pizza, and double fried chicken wings will reign supreme!
It's 12/20/12 for this guy everyday.






























#3: Smashing, Baby
I don't know about you, but I've always had a thing for being able to just smash the living hell out of things. How fun would it be to throw that 30-inch TV off the roof? Or wail on your car with a baseball bat? Besides, since everyone would already be drunk out of their asses, it would seem even more fun than it actually is. Plus, look around your room for a second. How much stuff in that room would just be awesome to smash? At least 10 things, guaranteed. I would say setting things on fire would also be fun but that might ruin the party a little. Nobody wanted to get burned. I could just see it now, finish your drink, just throw it against the wall. Got framed pictures of your ex-girlfriend? Smash that crap with a sledgehammer. Everything must be smashed. It's the only reasonable solution to your frustration that yes, the world is going to end, but I'm not really angry about it anymore.
Like this, but more suburban white boy:
































#4: Free Drugs
Right now, you might say "Mike, I'd never do cocaine!" Not even on everyone's last day on Earth? Come on! Smoke that blunt. Laugh it up for a while before you're asteroid dust. Get rowdy on the dance floor. Have an out of body experience before you don't have a body. As long as you don't do Heroin ( a really party killer, I hear), most drugs are gonna make your time here on planet Earth more enjoyable. And plus, they'll be free! Nobody's going to care if you don't pay them back for that bong you just ripped. Do a line of coke off a slut's ass, for God's sake! Isn't that a man's dream? Plus, you'd be insane to not to feel as good as you possibly could before you perished into who the fuck knows where.
Eh, Why Not?






















#5: Tell the Truth
Think you're girlfriend's too fat? Tell that whale what you really think. Since it won't matter what anyone will think of you, tell that friend of yours that "No, I think your blog sucks and I always have, loser." Imagine what you could say to people! It might bring the party down a little but who really cares? Call your ex and tell her you cheated on her three times with her sister, mom, and cousin. (That'd make for an interesting last day in that house.) Plus, you got a crush on that girl at work? You'd be some otherworldly kind of pussy to not go for it. Girls can even get in on the fun: "Yeah I know I said it was normal, but I was really just saying that. It's the smallest I've ever had. Oh, and I have syphilis." If you think you're gay, you might as well make out with a dude or something. Find out! The truth might actually make this the most awkwardly fun party you've ever been too.
"Yeah, America. I banged her. Hard."





















#6: Wardrobe Malfunction
Since nobody will remember it, just wear whatever you want. Like that top hat? Wear that with your parachute pants. Hell, where sweatpants if you want to. Who gives a shit. Be like Corey Hart and wear your sunglasses at night. Leave those apple bottom jeans at home, Flo Rida. It's time to test out the wardrobe. Try out that Gucci Bandana, Solja Boy. Kick it like Nelly in your Air Force Ones, who cares if their out of style? Hell, wear boxers and socks if you want. Be a sumo wrestler for a night. Wear cutoffs, so long as they don't effectively hide your thunder. Me personally? I'd wear a bright green suit with my 3-foot high Irish tophat. It'd be so preposterous that it might just work.
Hell, I might wear that shit anyway:



































































#7: Courage, Young Jedi
You want your Almost Famous moment? Ever wanted to jump through a door or window? Want to play bowling with your car and a bunch of trash cans? All things are possible at the end of the world party. Show everyone what you've always dreamt of doing. No, your in-process novel may never get published, but maybe you can shoot some dude in the head with a paintball gun. Obviously, it's up to you to make your dreams come true. Pee on your cranky neighbors house. Park your car on his lawn. Go into his house and fuck his wife. (ok, too far) Try jumping out of a car at 40 MPH and try and do a barrel roll. It'll be fun. I promise. And if it hurts, there's some extra Vicodin in the house.
For "The Wire" fanboys:
























#8: Down. To. Fuck.
Let's just say this: if you don't get laid the night before the world ends, Fuck Your Life. Everyone in the world, even Catholic virgins will be terrified and looking for someone to "be there for them." Be there for them, all over their backs. Do anything, everything, then do it over again. Who cares what she looks like? Turn off the lights. No condoms necessary. (Maybe suggest anal?) Want to do The Ghost with one of your friends? The girl might not even slap you. And girls, you worried about getting called a slut? Who cares! Sex is pretty much the best thing in the universe, no doubt. So why wouldn't you get as much of it as you can? Doggy style, missionary, reverse cowgirl, dirty sanchez, mexican hat dance, donkey punch, whatever floats your boat (thats not a sex position, i don't think). Virgins, stop being such sexual camels and give or take it all night long because, at the End of the World party, you'll never get another chance to meet your prince charming. Maybe make a game out of it. Whoever is able to have the most sex in the night gets.....the best night of their lives.
At this party, anything is possible:






















Hope you enjoyed. Remember, May is coming up soon, so get your questions in quickly for the May Mailbag. I'm sure it will be quite a doozy. Let's hope that we're able to have a party like this one day anyway, end of the world or not. Because it sure would be fun. I'd like to tell Bobby what I really think of him. Fucker. Anyways, I'm off to bed, gents and gals. Have a nightcap and get ready for an awesomely dull Thursday!

A Shot on Celluloid

Everybody loves the lovable alcoholic in movies. They provide humor, an ever abundance of energy, and can used for almost any ridiculous moment in a movie that wouldn't fly if it was happening sober. Who are these great, wonderful characters? Well, I'm gonna find out if it's the last thing I do. But, actually, since it won't be that hard, it probably won't be. In fact, I'll probably do tons of stuff after this. Anyways, here are the 6 Greatest Movie Drunks.

6. Frank the Tank
Appears In: Old School.
Drink of Choice: Only fine brew the Tank. Well, any brew actually.
Played By: Wil Ferrell
The Legend: Will Ferrell takes a man who, instead of bracing of his newly married life, turns into a 35-year old college student. Nothing less than wasted will do for Frank, which is kind of similar to my personality. Frank also has a propensity to take his clothes off and a love of the Sisqo CD, which is where comparisons between us end. Which is a shame. Because Sisqo had such potential as an actor. Although Old School is nowhere near the level of Animal House, Will Ferrell's drunken Frank certainly makes it worth the ride.


5. That's One Bad Santa
Appears In: Bad Santa
Drink of Choice: He doesn't seem to be too picky
Played By Billy Bob Thorton
The Legend: Maybe the reason Billy Bob Thorton plays the douchebag well is that he is one. No matter the reason, his alcoholic Santa with a love for the fat lady (hey, to each their own) is a great comedic turn. What man hasn't felt the need to come to work smashed? Well, Billy does it every day. The liquor cabinet is about as safe as kid alone with a priest whenever this Santa's around. Swearing in front of kids, living is some random kids house, drinking and driving, fucking, stealing, and, most of all, loving. In the end, the alcoholic always has a soft spot. In this case, Billy has a soft spot for a kid. Which isn't as gross as it sounds.


4. The McKenzie Brothers
Appears in: Strange Brew
Played By: Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas (no, not the Wendy's guy. but that would have been even better.)
Drink of Choice: Only Canadian beer will do. (Their loss.)
The Legend: I don't particularly like this movie, but I can't deny the Canadians brothers joining such a list. Taken from a sketch on Canadian TV (which requires you to have a Canadian product present in your program) about Canadian beer drinking brothers. The plot is so inane and worthless that it's not even worth mentioning. What is worth mentioning is their commitment to getting free beer. It's the quest of every big drinker to acquire as many free drinks as possible because a wasted man's bar tab is usually higher than most credit card bills. Canadian beer isn't the greatest but at least they stick by their brand, eh?


3. Buttermaker
Appears In: Bad News Bears (the original)
Played By: Walter Matthau
Drink of Choice: Mostly Beer and Whiskey/Scotch
The Legend: How does an alcoholic ex-Major Leaguer deal with a bunch of Little Leaguers? You mean, besides yelling at them incessantly, drinking at the park, and recruiting the daughter of one his ex's. Eventually, he eases up on the boozing when the team starts doing better but the story is better because of his redemption. He overcomes the bottle, while the kids overcome the expectations of the rest of the league. Still, the alcoholic Buttermaker is an awesome creation of Walter Matthau, may he rest in peace, that makes you laugh and cringe all at the same time. If only Billy Bob Throton didn't think he had to try and remake the character. Douche.
Buttermaker

2. Arthur
Appears In: Arthur
Played By: Dudley Moore
Drink of Choice: Scotch, Martini's.
The Legend: Arthur is such a lovable drunk. It seems that, besides his immediate family, everyone loves him. And how could you not? Despite his flaws, it always seems like he's happy and having fun. Laughing incessantly at his own jokes, slurring like his mouth is half-filled with saliva at all times, and his love of prostitution all makes Arthur one of the best alcoholics on cinema. The rich alcoholic is one that gets drunk more because he's just bored and doesn't have to work. Work, Arthur does not. There's never been, nor has there since been, a character quite like the one the enigmatic Dudley Moore brought to Arthur. He's that kind of drunk that makes some people uncomfortable but others just love being around. You know he's got a problem but you can't even imagine what he'd be like if he wasn't a drunk.


1. John Blutarsky
Appears In: Animal House
Played By: John Belushi
Drink of Choice: Beer and Whiskey
The Legend: A character that has so little dialogue, yet so much screen presence. Belushi's Bluto character is a drunk of a different breed. He doesn't have the lovable charm or the cluelessness that some drunks in film often have. He's just...there...drinking. He's vile, disgusting , and loves the sauce. Everybody knows him, yet he doesn't know anyone. God forbid you take away his Jack Daniels. Or have to guess what he is while he's got a mouthful of food. One thing you can count on is for him to be at the party and for him to be drunk. Because everyone knows that guy in college who majored in Drinking. Belushi's character is a portrait of that guy. A soliloquy for the sloshed. An ode to loaded. A haiku to booze. Shaekspeare for the imbibed. Belushi's character isn't one that will live in infamy. Because infamy is a bad thing. And there's nothing bad about being excessively and constantly sloshed in college.


Another look at the greatness of alcohol in the movie has turned out quite well if I do say so. Everything can be funny, even alcoholism. Those guys took it to a whole new level. I would like to give an honorable mention to the Drunk Four from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" who bring the boozing every show. Anyways, I'll keep this short since I'm watching the Bull try to stay alive here against the Celtics. So sit back, watch the game, and enjoy a beer or two. Go Bulls!

I Was Never Good at Transitions

Hello there, fellow readers. To give my blog a stronger base, I've decided to focus more on one thing. And since booze is really what I know best, I can think of no better topic to focus on. And to start things off? Well, why not share my drunken exploits. Because if you are going to read my booze blog, you should know a little about me. Here are My 6 Greatest Moments in Drunkenness. I wrote a column exactly like this two years ago but I'm pretty sure I can update it since then. So what? So let's dance!


6. A Dam Good Time
The Date: Between August 3-5th, 2005
The Location: Amsterdam, the Netherlands
The Happenings: Once upon a time, I was a crazy stoner who would take on any challenge. So I went to Amsterdam when I was 19, by myself with money that was more or less not mine. Most readers of this blog have heard the story so I'll keep it short. I got there before I could check in to my hotel so I went to some breakfast restaurant and had 3-4 pints of Heineken with Strawberry Pancakes (note: never again) before I had a cigarette and was approached by a Dutch kid who offered to smoke me up, did, and I was bazooka'd out of my mind. I feel flat on my face in a large business square and puked pink all the way down the street and right in front of my hotel. It may have been more of the weed that did it to me but, in my go-to story, alcohol played a very important part in making me look like a gigantic tourist ass. Two words: worth it.
Comparable To: A marathon runner losing all control of his body then wobbling around like a penguin.

5. 2 Girls, 1 Cup
The Date: Mid-February 2008.
The Location: Kirksville, Missouri. The great home of TRUMAN STATE UNIVERSITY.
The Happenings: Thirsty Thursdays are pretty much a staple at most schools nowadays. Obviously, there were the nights that I would indulge in the great spirits to the highest degree. Anyways, I had just started dating this one girl when her friend invited me over with a few other people to watch a movie. I'm pretty sure the friend liked me but who knows. It doesn't matter. What matters is that the girl I was dating made an extra effort to look good while I was hitting on her friend all night. When she caught wind of this, she got very upset and I decided to ignore both of them and get extremely hammered to deal with it. As there situations usually turn out, the girls left without me and I ended up just doing a bunch of shots. Because that's how I cope, yo. Perhaps not my proudest moment, but a story only a moron like me could tell. In my defense, I hadn't got many girls in my life so I was like "Two at once? I gotta do that!"
Comparable To: It was like a downgraded episode of Jerry Springer. Maybe Maury.

4. 200 Cup Beer Pong
The Date: Mid-July, 2008
The Location: Kirksville, Missouri
The Happenings: I scammed an extra summer out of college and it was very, very worth it. My best friend never visited me at school, despite repeated warnings of reprisal for his hideous actions. Finally, in the summer when about 150 people are at the school, he visited. What ensued was stuff legends are made of. We set up one on one, 200-Cup Beer Pong. 100 Cups on each side. About 15 beers a side. The game took over 3 hours because, well, you try and make the 98th cup after 14 beers. Nonetheless, I was victorious by only a few cups. My friend threw up. Waking up pretty much felt like what it would feel like to being fucked by Shaq. The now-infamous inside joke phrase of "brat that brat" was created in a hungover daze. I wouldn't mind playing this game again. When I want to die.
Comparable To: Being fucked by Shaq. Just ask his wife.

3. St. Patty's 2008
The Date: March 17th, 2008
The Location: Dublin, Ireland
The Happenings: Maybe not the drunkest day ever, but never has alcohol tasted so good. Me and my previously mentioned friend went to Ireland and, low and behold, the day before we were leaving the glorious Emerald Isle was St. Patrick's Day. People were everyone, bars were packed, parades were marching, and Guinness was flowing. An all day drink fest in the Temple Bar area that included lots of Guinness, whiskey, and an ill-advised Irish Coffee that led to extreme ridicule from some of the locals. But whatever, we got ours. HARD. The Temple Bar area definitely has my favorite street in the world. Ireland might not have the best looking people but after a few drinks, everyone's looking good. We left Ireland with 10 Euro cents between the two of us. And I don't regret one Guinness.
Comparable To: Drinking for the first time in college.

2. Wine 'Em and Dine 'Em
The Date: Mid-May 2007
The Location: Ancient Corinth, Greece
The Happenings: I could have picked almost any night from Greece because it was that titillating (always wanted to use that word). However, I chose one particular night in a small Ancient town with one bar. The hotel we were staying at offered bottomless jugs of wine for 2 Euros a night. Turning down a deal like that would be comparable to turning down free first-row seats at a Cubs playoff game. Anyways, after the hotel the bar was attended by many. After certain people pissed off the locals for reasons we still can't understand (Greek is a tough language), we merged the tables together and I invented a game only now known as "Greek Pong" (beer pong with wine and olives as the balls). I think I lost all the games I played that night, but I don't really remember. I blacked out and a friend of mine, who is a skinny blonde girl, carried me home. Which just proves that either she's lying (doubtful) or it doesn't take a whole lot of physical exertion to carry me. I think you know the answer. (If you don't, you are less intelligent than a guy writing a list about his greatest drinking feats. I just realized how douchey this list is. Oh well.)
Comparable To: I don't know. Blacking out for any reason?
Here's a Youtube video of my friend dissecting his argument with the Greek man at the bar. I bet he wishes this video would disappear.


1. 21st Birthday
The Date: July 2nd, 2007
The Location: Somewhere in Suburban Chicago, IL
The Happenings: Reasons I won't live til 100: My past diet, my proneness to injury, and my 21st Birthday. I drank pretty much a liquor cabinet. Me and my friend went to a bar at midnight. I did around 4-5 shots before we went home and went to bed. Woke up at like 9:30AM and started drinking again, with a keg. People sporadically came throughout the day, with a bunch of people there at night. I hate counting but I know I finished the 21 shots things. I have no idea, nor do I want to know how much beer I drank. The fact that I went to bed at midnight and don't remember anything after 6PM can pretty much describe my day. Here are some highlights (or lowlights) of the day:
-Jumping through a card table, breaking it in half
-Throwing a heavy stress ball at a newly set up beer pong rack, spilling all the cups on an unsuspecting girl
-Drank Goldschlagger, which is advisable under no circumstances.
-Clearing out my deck to call a girl I like, telling people this, then hitting on a girl there right after
-Changed outfits around 3-4 times for unknown reasons, but I have an idea
-Passed out on my kitchen floor
-Woke up in my bed
-Other horrific things that nobody ever would dare to speak of, I'd imagine.


I hope that helped kick off a new era here at what is apparently now known as "The Whiskey Chronicles." Maybe you have an idea what I'm like now. I obviously don't encourage any of my readers to take my advice and doing so is at your own risk. I am in no way hyping myself up to be a great drinker or whatever, just thought this would be a good idea to start off the booze era. Anyways, I hope you'll all stick around for what is sure to be a bunch of preposterousness to come. Until I see you next time, stay thirsty my friends.

The Links of an Insomniac

Last week I linked up some YouTube videos to the blog since I couldn't sleep. Well, again I can't sleep so I'll bring you another few links I think are worth checking out. I'll try to get another blog up over the weekend but I'm busy this weekend and have plans to make my first ever YouTube video, which will almost certainly be posted her for shameless self-promotion. Anyways, here are a few youtubers headed in the right direction.


Last time, I had a pretty Aussie in Irish colors on the links and I thought I'd give her another plug, only because I love this video a ton. It's very urethral, calming, and beautiful. It's a cover of "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab. Death Cab fan or not, you'll definitely be a fan of hers.



I have quite a fetish for certain Asian things on the internet but usually not Youtube celebrity asians. This guy is pretty funny though. Check it out, you might laugh. Or not, I don't know.


I love parody videos (which is why I'm making one) and this one is pretty funny. And since grammar in rap has gone down 3,000% in the last 10 years, it definitely was about time someone brought up the issue and tackled it head on. Well done sir. Check out the "Bad Grammar" video, a parody of "The Way I Are."



Some songs are just sung better by women. At least that's what I think. And since I'm obviously a sap for pretty pop songs, here's a nice latina girl singing the Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris." It's not bad and she's very pretty.


I know a few of my friends have a certain dislike for hipsters, but I don't mind some of them. But there are those hipsters who do look like a hipster douche that do annoy me. Here are the hipster Olympics or as the video calls it "a battle of apathetic grandeur." Not bad a all.


And finally, I'd like to link one of my favorite songs by a band that doesn't get much love. Since it's about cheating on and besting another guy, naturally I loved it. And still do. It might be a little too pop-punk for some of you but whatever. It's my blog. Here's Callahan with "Dress to Impress"



Mmmm, I love me some nice weather....

The Levels of Sports Fandom

There's this saying "survival of the fittest." You know what I say to that? The fittest don't always survive. Or something. You know, I'm not sure where I was going. This is a bad start. But you know what they say: it's not how you start, it's how you finish. Anyways, sports brings out an unusual side in people. People go crazy for competition. It makes us feel like winners, even when we're not playing. There are different levels of sports fan though. I think every group needs a name. I'd say there's about 10 different kinds of fans. We'll start at the bottom at work our way up. Because foreplay is important. Let's have at it. Here are the 10 Levels of Sports Fandom. This blog will be written under the assumption that everyone reading it is a guy.

Level #1: The Indecisive Guy
Qualities: Hates Decisions, Married, Vasectomied, Dislikes Drinking, Rich, Likely a Coward.
What's He Like? The lowest level of fandom is the guy who wears the half-Cubs, half-White Sox jersey to a Cubs sox game. What possesses a man to do such a thing? He's not really a fan of the sports, he just is rich enough to afford the tickets and look like a douche on his PDA in the first row. He never has more than one beer because his wife would KILL him if he came home drunk. It takes him 15 minutes to decide if he wants mustard or ketchup on his hot dog in his head. He'll only stand if everyone else already is doing the same. Cities like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and London have to deal with these fans more often than most cities. A worse example is going to Indians/Reds game and seeing a man in a half-Reds, half-Indians jersey. That man is most likely a bigger tool than the Board of Directors of AIG. Unfortunately, he'll be driving home in his Mercedes while your jumping your Kia Spectra because you left the lights on for the whole game.
Unrelated Picture: Ozzie Guillen kisses with his eyes open.

























Level #2: The Clueless Girlfriend
Qualities: Calls Players "Cute!", Asks Questions Constantly, Chatty, Beautiful, Controlling
What's She Like? You can't blame her for trying, but you can blame her boyfriend for bringing her. She's hot and often too hot for the guy she's with. Her boyfriend is whipped because only a whipped boyfriend would bring a girl who knows nothing about sports to a sports game. She's always on her phone, deciding what she's doing after the "baseball match." She gets up every inning even though she's in the middle of the row. Usually, she's wearing a jersey of the home team and looks hot as all hell. She doesn't say it loud, but she wants to leave after the 7th inning, no matter what the score is, and she'll give subtle looks until her boyfriend gives in. Oftentimes, Fan #2 is escorted by Fan #1, making a baby that could only be more apathetic about sports if he stops getting first row seats via his trust fund.
Related Pic: My Ex-Girlfriend.


























Level #3: The Know-Nothing
Qualities: Male, Likes art, theatre, and indie rock, most likely a hipster. Pretentious, possibly gay, definitely drinks PBR.
What's He Like? The know-nothing is usually an douchebag. He's the guy your girlfriend likes and brings around. You don't like him but everyone else does. Has contempt for everything sports. If your watching sports while he's over, he'll complain about either how much money they make, how pointless the game is, or the effect baseball has on Filipino factory workers. He drives a hybrid. Won't go to a game because he has to see his gay sister's art exhibit on Friday night. Will go to a game if your girlfriend goes though. He wears wool hats in spring because they look cool, even though they were probably made by the same Filipino factory workers he was complaining about before. Also, will not go to any expensive restaurant but will only go to bars where the cover is in double digits.
Related PIc: Hipster fuck.























Level #4: The Knowledgeable Girl
Qualities: Not hot, but good-looking. Happy-go-lucky. "One of the guys." Likes beer, sex, and BBQ'n. Likes 80's music and has one of those hot jerseys that the girl in the 2nd picture is wearing but she's not taking her clothes off. At the game, at least.
What's She Like? She's the girl you meet at the bar who's watching the game who says something smart about your team, which amazes you, because she's a girl. She doesn't know as much as she thinks but at least she's trying. This is the highest level for women. Doesn't mind if you watch the game as long as you watch VH1 shows with her afterward. Will always jump at the chance to go to a game with you. Claims she "loves" her team but doesn't know all the rules, players, or newcomers to the team. Pisses me off. Sports are for male bonding, ladies. We need time away from you occasionally.
Related Pic: Hello there, money vacuum.

















Level #5: The Casual Fan (Also "Bandwagon Fan")
Qualities: Cool but is a liar. Little bit of an asshole. Usually good-looking or really bad looking. Desperate to fit in but doesn't "love" sports.
What's he like? He might be a nice enough guy but will ask you dumb questions during sports games. Will be really quiet during any discussion about sports. Dresses nicer than you. Has better hair than you. Would say yes to go to any sports games but would try not to talk about the team he's watching. Likes everything else that guys like, just isn't too much into sports. Gets excited when a team is doing well and starts to follow them more. Might be a little boring. Might just be an idiot. Has much, much more sex than me. Or none at all. Which is almost as much as me.
Related Pic: Always casual.


Level #6: The Fantasy Man
Qualities: Risk-taker, smart, much like #5 but not an asshole. Has demanding job. Isn't a heavy drinker. Has never heard of Augie Ojeda. Which is a damn, damn shame.
What's He Like? Knows about the awesome game that was on last night but was probably switching between that and "Law and Order." Is pretty much a normal guy. Usually stressed out. Is in your fantasy league but doesn't really check it. Knows who Alfonso Soriano is but doesn't know who Koyie HIll is. More likes the idea of sports than actually likes sports. Knows generic things about sports but still probably not able to have an actual argument about sports. Probably doesn't get laid often. Still a good guy, just is never going to write for ESPN.com. Probably drinks some sort of liquor on the rocks and never beer.
Related Pic: Well, not he's not THIS cool.



































Level #7: Pretty Big Fan
Qualities: Dumb, jock, fat or just huge, an ass, blind to all qualities.
What's He Like? Loves sports because he played it in high school. Goes out drinking with the guys to watch the game, when they invite him. Big drinker during games, usually gets drunk when he goes. Knows the major players and a few minor ones as well, but doesn't know how they're doing this season. Claims to know more about sports than you. Makes comments like "God, I'd bang Erin Andrews so hard." Breaks down a bad at-bat by saying "Man, he fuckin' sucks." Knows the rules of the game but not really the intricacies of it. Plays fantasy sports and occasionally gets lucky but is usually around the middle of the pack. Not a very good wingman. Is a very good drinking buddy. Isn't much for analysis but sometimes you don't want Joe Buck sitting next to you while watching the game.
Related Pic: Mmmm, calories...





























Level #8: The College Freak
Qualities: Loves college, talks about college, hates post-grad life, horny, good-looking (or at least average looking), acts "cool", always fashionably late.
What's He Like? Only enjoys college sports, but is very hardcore about them. Misses college because life at home isn't the same and can't adjust to that. Knows everything and anything about his college's teams. Usually supports one conference more than the rest and will tell you "Man, Iowa State's Offensive Line is awesome this year" as if everyone knew that. Openly criticizes professional sports, complaining about the money, how pro's don't care and how the game isn't as pure. Won't complain about how corrupt college programs are and will never admit how bad the quality of play in college sports actually is. More than likely, March Madness is their favorite time of the year and they will not take their eyes away from the screen for the entire month. Probably eats healthier than you and I'm not sure why I threw that in there.
(Un)Related Pic: Umm...Go, Texas, Go.



















Level #9: The Die-Hard
Qualities: Loyal, agreeable, not very athletic but not fat, smart, cocky, sexually adventurous.
What's He Like? Knows pretty much everyone on his favorite teams and how they are doing. Loves fantasy sports and gets very in-depth about them, checking them almost every day. Loves watching the game and will almost never turn the channel. Can hold his own in an intelligent sports argument. Watches Sportscenter at least once a day and visits ESPN.com often. Will never turn down going to a game, even if the game sucks. Hates fans from opposing cities. Knows what OPS, WHIP, VORP, YAC, and GAA against are. Checks scores on his phone when he's out with his girlfriend. Openly gambles on sports. Loves tailgating and always encourages it. Can still have a good time after a teams loss but will say all night "Man, I can't believe we lost." Will always choose bro's over ho's. If a big game is on, he either won't go out til it's over or will make sure he's there before the game to catch it all. Will choose sex over sports, unless it's the 4th Quarter, 9th inning, Overtime, or Penalty Kicks.
Related Pic: There are no age restrictions.

















Level #10: The Clinically Insane Fanatic
Qualities: Intense, crazy, angry or euphoric, single, not rich, not poor, cares about almost nothing but sports.
What's He Like? Lives and breathes sports. Watches Sportscenter on repeat. Has ESPN.com as his homepage and checks his fantasy team everyday, more than once. Knows the statistics of that Pirates high-school signing in Single A ball. Watches every game of his favorite team, even if its baseball. Takes Fantasy sports as series as regular sports. Definitely doesn't have a girlfriend but might pay for sex. Is extremely competitive in everything he does. Wonders what's wrong with you for starting Stephen Drew over Troy Tulowitzki, when Tulowitzki has 7 home games in Colorado that week and will openly criticize your intelligence for doing so. Knows who everyone his team's organization, even in the front office. Can have a conversation about how much better the play-by-play guy on the radio is getting at his job. Probably could work in the front office he knows so much. His friends girlfriends always ask "What's wrong with him?" That's why women are barely on the list.
Related Pic: Also enjoys sauerkraut on his brats.































Well, there you go. Hopefully you can define yourself as a sports fan through this list. Hopefully, if you're reading my blog, you at least won't be as low as the hipsters. Personally, I can't go as far as being a #10 but I'm happy at #8 or #9. It allows me to enjoy other things and not have sports interrupt my personal life (unless the Cubs are on). But that's just me. All I know is that life as a Chicago sports fan is pretty good right now, no matter what level you're on. It's always and it shows how much emotion sports can bring out. Even if it's in a fight. You know, like the video of sports fights below. Enjoy and Go Chicago!

Links, Via Insomnia

Since I don't sleep me and Youtube seem to get along really well, especially late at night. It's when I find my favorite videos. I'm not gonna go into a whole diatribe in this blog really. I'm tired and I need to conserve my energy. So here are a few links that I found while staying up all night, just because I'm good like that.

Here's a video of one of my favorite band's songs, Jack's Mannequin's "Bruised," except it's done in sign language from some sign language student. Since, like me, she seems to be lacking fans, I thought I'd help her out. Plus, she's pretty good looking, and maybe she'll notice this good deed.



You may have seen this already, or not, but either way I'm posting it. It's an awesome acoustic version of Outkast's "Hey Ya" done by some fat guy with Dolan-like facial hair. It's crazy that just changing the genre of the song makes it new and beautiful. It's soothing like aloe on a sunburn. Shut up. Analogies are tough on no sleep.


Here's an original song by a Aussie Youtube artist Haley Legg called "Feels Like Woah!" It's awesomely catchy. Haley may not have the vocal range of Celine Dion but she's obviously a good writer, pretty, and has a sweet voice. Also, she's wearing the colors of the Irish flag, which makes her 40 times more awesome.



It wouldn't be me giving you Youtube links without plugging the impossibly catch Julia Nunes playing modern songs to the ukulele. Here's Spoon's "Underdog." I DARE you not to tap your feet to my blonde haired sista on the uke.



Maybe you've seen the ultra-hilarious Jon LaJoie? Well, if you haven't, here's a parody of Coldplay's "Yellow" with quite a different theme. It's called "Alone in the Universe". Check out some of his other videos, they are extremely funny.



And finally, I'll plug as much as I can, but you should really check out NBC's "Chuck" (Mondays 7 PM Central). Here's an awesome clip involving two of the best supporting characters, Jeff and Lester. Or, as they are now infamously known as, "Jeffster."



Enjoy your beautiful Thursday!

Clear Eyes and Full Hearts

Human emotion is a complex, yet beautiful thing. There's something about the unpredictability of life that makes it worth living. How emotion makes a person react in a completely different way than the guy across the room. When you find a great movie or TV show, you know it's great because of the way it makes you feel. It's when character become more than just a character that we feel for them, why we tear up when they are having their most emotional moments. There are five things that make me feel the most extreme of emotions: love, movies, the Cubs, loss, and TV. Call it sad, call it whatever you like, but watching the television version of "Friday Night Lights" makes me feel some of the most genuine of human emotions. Maybe you've seen it, or maybe NBC's ineptitude of promotion and scheduled has caused you to miss it. Either way, I'm going to share my insights on the greatness of the show. Shows like "The Wire," "Mad Men," or "The Shield" may be better in production values and overall quality, "Friday Night LIghts" preys on emotion better. So here they are, the 7 Best Moments of TV's "Friday Night Lights".

7. A QB with No Support
Episode: Season 2, Episode 14
The Situation: Starting QB Matt Saracen's dad is in the army and has just gotten sent back to Iraq. Matt has been left to balance school, football, and taking care of his grandma, who has the early signs of dementia. Matt gets really drunk but then has to take his mom to the hospital, where his Coach has to pick him up.
The Emotion: Matt's had everyone leave him; his coach, both his parents, his girlfriend. When a kid continuously gets let down, he starts to think it's fault. In this scene, after Coach Taylor takes him home and throws him in the shower, Matt Saracen might deliver his best line of the series: "What's wrong with me?" Even his Coach gets a little choked up when he hears this. No kid deserves to have to take care of his mentally ill grandma, go to school, and lead a football team. So when Matt breaks down, it's not completely unexpected. But when you see the kid drunk, laying in the shower, wondering what he did to deserve all of what he's gone through, it can't do much but tug at your heartstrings. Because, you know what? The answer is "Nothing."
Hulu Link: NBC doesn't support YouTube, so I'll link you to Hulu. The clip starts at about the 34 minute mark, so just click ahead.
Poon Clip


6. New QB Gets Hit
Episode: Season 3, Episode 11
The Moment: Freshmen phenom QB J.D. McCoy has just played a subpar playoff game to which he ignored his obsessed Dad's advice. J.D.'s tell off his Dad, who's already fuming, and his Dad proceeds to beat the crap out of him, while Coach Taylor tries to intervene.
The Emotion: J.D.'s got "that" Dad who took little league way too seriously and pushed his kid way too hard to succeed. Basically, he's restricted fun, girls, and anything and everything enjoyable. So when J.D. has a subpar game and his Dad confronts him, yelling at him like he just lost the Super Bowl, it's understandable the kid would lash out. But then his Dad beats the crap out of him. A very powerful moment that gives the viewer perspective as to just how far his Dad's obsession with his son's success or living his success through him. Child abuse is always uncomfortable but "FNL" does a great job at making seem real--maybe even too real.
Hulu Link: Here's the entire clip.
Watch this, fool.

5. I'm Not On a Boat
Episode: Season 2, Episode 5
The Moment: Paralyzed ex-QB Jason Street is on a boat with his best friend Tim Riggins and ex-girlfriend Lyla, with whom Riggins had an affair with when they were still dating and Jason was in the hospital. He's gone to Mexico to get an extremely experimental stem cell surgery that could kill him but his friends won't let him do it. Jason proceeds to drop himself into the ocean.
The Emotion: Although I haven't identified much with his character, Jason Street plummeting to what he wants to be his death, then realizing he wants to live is a profound moment of self-realization. There isn't a moment that betters captures the depleted spirit of a young man who's been paralyzed doing the thing he's the best at in this world. The scene shows the brilliant friendship that is captured time and time again between Riggins and Street. Riggins is, no doubt, a big fuckup throughout the entire series. But he knows and cares enough about his friend to tell him that what he's doing is desperate and dumb and that there's more to life than just walking. As Shawshank taught us all, a life without hope isn't much of a life. It makes you wonder just how much better you have it than some people, no matter what happens.
Hulu Clip: Skip to the 25 minute mark for pure awesomeness.
Click and Enjoy

4. Umm, I Can't Move.
Episode: Pilot, Season 1, Episode 1
The Moment: Jason Street, star QB of the Dillon Panthers, tries to make a tackle, which ends in about the worst way possible: he gets paralyzed.
The Emotion: A whole crowd, silent. A whole team, stunned. There are moments that occur in sports that render the game meaningless. This is one of those moments. A players life, hanging in the balance. I always feel this way after a line drive off a pitcher's head. It's one of the most disgusting and unnatural things that could happen during any game. But with a whole town looking on and their best player laying motionless on the field, the silence is deafening. What can you say? Even though there's a great moment with the backup QB coming in and leading the team to a win right after, the paralyzed QB just lying there is a moment that certainly is as powerful as it gets when it comes to sports.
Hulu Clip: Skip ahead to about the 33:30 minute mark
As Ugly As it Gets

3. What a Takedown!
Episode: Season 2, Episode 11
The Moment: After a team is displaced and shares a practice field with the team and then they play each other the next week. At the end of the game, the Dillon Panthers are about to score the winning touchdown when the opposing coach, who's seemed like an asshole for the entire story arc, tackles him. Dillon's declared the winners but as the coaches confront each other, the opposing coach reveals his wife's got brain cancer.
The Emotion: A cheap reveal? Maybe. But the image of the coach tackling a player about to score is everlasting. It's the last thing you ever expect to see at any sporting event. But telling Coach Taylor his wife has 3 month's to live? It certainly explains all his actions from the prior douchness that the audience has experienced from him, but it's a moment that shows that those people on the sidelines are real people with real problems. Does it excuse his behavior? Not at all. But it certainly makes it understandable. Because when you love something more than anything in the world and that's about to be taken away from you, how would you react? Coach Taylor's reaction says everything, as it often does throughout the entire run of "Friday Night Lights."
Hulu Link: Skip ahead to about 31:20 for the scene.
Pretty Good Form On that Tackle

2. I'm the Smash and the Smash Got In!
Episode: Season 3, Episode 4
The Moment: After star RB Smash Williams suffers a bad knee injury at the end of Season 2, he works hard at rehabbing and getting into shape as Coach Taylor pushes him, so that he can get into college. The scene is Smash getting the call and celebrating with his family as Coach Taylor comes to his door, in which he finds out. The scene is one of the only TV scenes I've ever cried during and I don't care if the whole blogosphere knows it. The rest of the blogosphere are just a bunch of sarcastic, sex-addicted assholes anyway.
The Emotion: If you've watched the series, you know how demoralized Smash was after his knee injury. All the scenes with him and Coach Taylor in Season 3 provide my favorite and most emotional story arc of the entire series by far. After little hope and little support, Smash gets back into shape and gets a workout with Texas A&M and gets in thanks to how hard Coach Taylor has pushed him. This kid is nothing without football and everyone, including him, knows it. And you would just have to be a Nazi not to cheer the kid on. Yeah, he's made mistakes. But I stole a stoplight when I was 17 and almost got arrested, yet people still seem to want me to succeed for some reason.
Hulu Clip: Hulu does not have this episode, but I found it on a different site. Skip to the 42 minute mark.
The Smash


1. State
Episode: Season 3, Episode 12
The Moment: In the state championship, the Panthers rally with a huge, inspired 2nd half comeback to tie the game. Then the opposing team, who are probably better overall, gets in position for a game winning field goal and makes it to win the game with no time left. Coach Taylor then gives a very emotional, powerful speech to his losing team.
The Emotion: What makes this the best moment in the series is the fact that in every other show, the Panthers would win. But in this one, you get to see the losing locker room. The speech the coach has to make to the losing team. What happens when a bunch of 16-18 year olds have to experience the ultimate loss in their sporting careers? What does a coach say? It's so emotional, so unbelievable moving to hear Coach Taylor tell the players that they are champions, that they'll always remember that game. The best character in the show, Coach Taylor, delivers its finest moment. Because when an underdog fights as hard as it can against a much better team and comes up just short, by about the thinnest of margins. It's a moment as beautiful as a sunset, yet as sad as leaving someone behind. "Friday Night Lights" was never a show about football; it is a show about the relationships of a football obsessed Texas town. And this moment captured the great relationship, through everything, that this coach has had with his players. Even in a loss, they're winners. And you know what? So are we for having seen it.
Hulu Clip: Watch the entire episode if you can, otherwise skip to the 37 minute mark.
Watch the Greatness

There you have it. For those regular blog readers that don't watch FNL, I'm sorry but I'm really not. I love the show and it deserved a blog. I'll get another blog up by or during the weekend though hopefully. But anyways, I don't have much to say in this conclusion except that I'm concluding this blog immediately. BTW, Friday Night Lights just got picked up for 2 more seasons and most of the episodes are on Hulu.com if the non-watchers want to join the good guys. Until next time, I'll see ya lata mates.

Evaluating the Fall 2009 Pilot Season

I'm an avid TV watcher. Since I'm lazy, unemployed, and rarely sleep, I watch shows via DVR, Netflix, and Hulu.com. There is no doubt that I overindulge. Recently, I have become worried. Worried about the future of creative television. While reality TV shows continue to flourish in the ratings (note: anyone easily offended that watches reality TV should not continue reading), fiction is taking a major decline. Creative shows that I enjoy usually ended up getting cancelled. (i.e. Pushing Daisies, Firefly, Arrested Development, among others) So where am I going with this? I don't know but I am worried about the ever growing gap of reality vs. fiction. Is there any hope? That's what I'm going to find out. I've found out what new shows have been greenlit for the Fall 2009 and am here to evaluate their prospects. I'm like a TV Scout. Hey, that actually wouldn't be a bad name for my blog. Anyways, here is Fall 2009 TV Shows w/ Potential.

ABC
New Shows:
Eastwick: A show about 3 witches in 1960's Rhode Island who get their powers because their husbands leave them. Sounds like it'll be a big hit with men. Stars Rebecca Romaijn and two scrub actresses.
Flash Forward: Sounds like LOST redux, but it's based on a novel where the whole world blacks out for 2 minutes, 17 seconds of their lives with a scary glimpse of the future. Stars Shakespere from Shakespeare in Love, Penny from LOST, and Harold from Harold and Kumar.
V: Remake of an alien show from the 80's. Sounds dumb.
Cougartown: The title says it all. Courtney Cox "stars."
Funny in Farsi: Deals with Iranian family growing up in The O.C. in the 70's.
No Heroics: British remake about superheroes who are more alcoholics than super. My DVR is already set.
This Might Hurt: Doctor show said to be a mix of Scrubs and Private Practice. Yawn.

Pilots I'll Watch: Flash Forward, No Heroics, maybe Funny in Farsi, depending on cast and time.

CBS
"New" Shows:
Tick Tock: Mid-30s woman looking for love. It's that Elaine from Seinfeld show but 10 years younger.
Three Rivers: Organ transplant show about the people who give them up rather than the people who get them.
Other than that, 3 medical dramas, NCIS spinoff, and a few lawyer shows. Basically, the same shit that's on constantly.

Pilot's I'll Watch: Zippo

FOX
New Shows:
Human Target: Guy is hired to assume people's identities to protect them.
Masterwork: People recover stolen works of art and shit.
Absolutely Fabulous: Two rich women get plastic surgery and get wasted alot. Hmmm, maybe.
Glee: Spanish teacher in Ohio is forced to take over the Glee Club. Hour long comedy? Sounds cancelled.
Boldly Going Nowhere: Intergallactic spaceship helmed by a rogue captain. Comedy starring the 3 guys from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
The Station: Ben Stiller comedy about CIA agents in S. America trying to get a dictator in power.

Pilots I'll Watch: FOX has the best pilot potential by far, I'll check out The Station, Boldly Going Nowhere, and Human Target. Maybe Glee/Absolutely Fab depending on the casting, but probably not.

NBC
New Shows: (note that NBC is giving away the 9-10pm slot to Leno 5 days a week, so there's not much new)
Parenthood: Based on the Steve Martin movie about a Midwestern family.
Day One: Group of survivors of a worldwide catastrophe try to rebuild Earth.
State of Romance: A modern day Pride and Prejudice.

Pilots I'll Watch: Maybe Day One. Maybe.

Other Networks:
New Shows:
Treme: HBO pilot about a group of jazz musicians in New Orleans post Katrina. Created by David Simon, creator of The Wire, and stars a ton of awesome actors. Can you say hit?
Possible Side Effects: Showtime pilot about a family that owns a pharmaceutical company.
Roommates: ABC Family show about a group of friends that are roommates.
Gossip Girl Spinoff: CW pilot about Gossip Girl.

Pilots I'll Watch: Treme, Possible Side Effects.

There you have it. Keep in mind that not all pilots get picked up, these are the only ones confirmed to actually be airing. So there'll probably be more but if they haven't been approved yet, I wouldn't have high hopes. Hopefully we'll get a few winners here, but who knows.
In a related note, NBC's Chuck, which airs Mondays at 7pm, is an excellent show threatened with cancellation. I urge you to watch it live, watch in Hulu.com or watch it on TheWB.com. Anything you can do to help the show, since it's my favorite besides LOST. Thanks for your help fellow citizens! Auf vida sang. (or whatever Tyra says at the end of America's Top Model)

You've Got No Direction!

Everybody hates somebody. Hell, someone probably even hates me (although, I can't understand why. I'm delightful!) It partly defines you on how you react to the people you hate. There are also things you love, I hope. What's the worst thing that can happen? The people you hate getting their hands on the things you love. (i.e. your girlfriend, your weed) And you know what I love? Well, yeah, I do love booze but that's not what I was going for. I love sex, but I don't have it enough to get too mad about it. My third love is most definitely film. And boy, there are some people around LaLaLand that I just can't stand. They make a mockery of my favorite business. One day, I will have my revenge. But until then, I bitch about them in blog form. Because that's what a classy person would do. Here are The 6 Worst Directors in Hollywood. Bring. It. On.

6. Michael Bay
Failures: Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys I + II, The Island
Redemption? The Rock
Shake It: Michael Bay. What's there to say that hasn't been said? Besides The Rock, he made the equivalent of dog crap and thrown it on screen. Violent camera movement? Check. Plethora of cuts? Check. Everything, including babies and nuns, exploding? Check. Here some antonyms for Michael Bay: creative, abstract, useful, thought-provoking, attractive, smart, polite, generous, God, capable, and poor. It's the last one that really gets me. His movies are full of lack of character development and made for mindless entertainment. See a Michael Bay movie is like bad pizza: it's still pizza, you just wished you ordered from somewhere else when you're done.
Urban Dictionary Definition: Michael Bay (adj.)- a movie that is profitable, yet painful to watch.


5. Steve Carr
Failures: Paul Blart, Are We Done Yet?, Daddy Day Care, Dr. Dolittle 2, Rebound, Next Friday
Redemption? Nope. Those are ALL his movies.
No Fun: When your highest grossing movie is Paul Blart: Mall Cop, you may want to consider another profession, like catering. Steve Carr is like that guy at all your parties that one of your friends like but everyone else hates. He just keeps showing up and puking all over the rug you just bought at IKEA. Plus, why is he doing all african-american themed movies? He's WHITE! Listen, there's nothing wrong with celebrating black culture, but not when it's basically playing into the stereotypes of all black people. I mean, do Ice Cube, Martin Lawrence, and Eddie Murphy really get excited when Steve calls them? "Steve Carr?! Let's do some cliche black people stuff!" One can only hope that "Paul Blart 2: You Saw the First, Why Not Second?" never sees the light of day. Or God help us all.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Steve Carr- to be deeply unfunny.

4. Brett Ratner
Failures: Rush Hour 2+3, X-Men 3: Last Stand, The Family Man, After the Sunset
Redemption? Rush Hour (it was OK) and Red Dragon (also just OK)
Franchiser: Brett Ratner is unlike the rest of this list, in that he only does remakes and sequels. And boy, those are both things people love, right? Ratner has been especially singled out for X-Men 3, since X-Men 2 was actually pretty good but then Ratner dumped on the hopes of fans that thought X-Men could be a good franchise. He is also one of those guys that makes bad movies then criticizes critics for not liking them. Well, here's a hint Brett: nobody liked ANY of the movies in the "Failures" section. Absolutely nobody. This guy is a dick. He has openly criticized Paul Thomas Anderson, who could make a better film if he turned into a crack addict, for wanting final cut for his films. Plus, people think the 3rd of any movie are going to suck basically because of this guy. Rush Hour 3 and X-Men 3 are two of the most hideous "paycheck whore" movies in a long while. Also, when you have it in your contract that your trailers must begin with "A Brett Ratner film..." then you are a prick. Because you are Brett Ratner, not Martin Scorsese or The Coen Brothers. You made the Rush Hour movies. You suck worse than Jackie Chan's English.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Brett Ratner- singlehandedly destroyed the X-Men franchise, scrapping all of the character development and careful storytelling of the previous two.
Here's the douche on "Entourage":


3. Brian Robbins
Failures: Meet Dave, Norbit, The Shaggy Dog, Good Burger, Ready to Rumble, The Perfect Score. Do people like Varsity Blues? I'm putting it here anyway.
Redemption? Hardball was pretty good. Except, why'd G-Baby have to die? HE WAS SO YOUNG!!!
Can I Take Your Order? Only getting better in age, Robbins has been nominated for "Worst Movie" at the Razzies the last two years. (I'm sure his next film, A Thousand Words with Eddie Murphy, will give him a third) It says a lot about an industry that will continually hire a man who is so obviously bad at his job. It'd be like hiring me to be an Alcoholics Anonymous speaker. You may as well take the people to a bar. When your claim to fame is a Keanu Reeves vehicle, you are not doing well at your job. It's like being head of Student Activities Committee for a High School in Los Angeles and hiring George Bush to head an assembly. You sure that's a good idea? Maybe he should learn a few of the lines from Good Burger and get a job more suited to his talents.
Urban Dictionary Def.: (no matches, but these came up): Male genitalia, moron, idiot, asshole, a drunk.

2. Uwe Boll
Failures: Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne I+II, House of the Dead, his life. His highest rated movie on IMDb has a 3.8. Out of ten movies. Death be upon him.
Redemption? Ha. His only redemption is not being #1 on this list.
Ewww Uwe: I don't like bring up past memories but Uwe Boll must be a Neo-Nazi. I mean, most Germans are generations removed from WWII, yet Uwe Boll, a personification of evil, turns up and makes movies that make people want to commit murder. People that have seen Uwe Boll movies often experience nausea, dizziness, loss of sex drive, suicidal tendencies, and death. Anyone that has seen more than one of Uwe Boll's movie should considered mentally retarded and have a fear of anything that is good and decent in this world. If movies were a religion, he'd be Satan's right-hand man. He has 9 movies scheduled to come out in the next 2 years, including one called "Darfur." I, MICHAEL DOLAN, am offended by that and I rarely concern myself with the world's problems. Some nights, I cry about having saw "Alone in the Dark." In a just world, Uwe would be number one on this list. In a just world, Uwe Boll would be on the front line for the Germans during WWII.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Often referred to as a modern day Ed Wood but this is inaccurate. Boll's films are driven by cynical exploitation of German tax law that allows a movie to make money even when it fails at the box office. He is better thought of as Max of The Producers, who intentionally makes a flop to profit of it.

1. Jason Freidberg and Adam Seltzer
Failures: Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Date Movie, Epic Movie
Redemption? Only in death shall these two be redeemed. Even then, they are probably going to hell.
Suck Movie: When you continually make movies mocking other genre's, you may have a problem. I mean, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz mock genres but they do it in a way that isn't retarded. These guys are to movies what Hitler was to evil. I saw Epic Movie (when I say saw, I mean my girlfriend just broke up with me and I was too drunk to change the channel when it was on) and I can honestly say, I have never, ever seen a film that made me want to give up pot before. But then, I saw this. Obviously, these guys are so high they just pound their hands against the keyboard and scream "DONE!" like a sex addict who purposely sticks in the wrong hole while going "doggy style", claims it was accident, then finishes all over her/his back, laughs, then licks his juice all up, then spits it all in your face, then yells "I've got HIV!" as he runs out of the room. If I ever met these motherfuckers, I'd slap them, ask for their moms phone number, then call their mom and yell into the phone "YOU'VE FAILED! WHY WOULD YOU RAISE THE SPAWN OF SATAN?!?!" Ok, I think I've gotten my point across.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Disaster Movie- to be raped by a rotting corpse, an object so reviled that even its name inspires fear and loathing into all who have ever heard of or seen it; quite possible the worst thing ever to have shed light upon this earth; a film so bad words can't even describe how bad it really is.

There you have, ladies and gentlemen. Another solid blog, if I do say so myself. And I do say so. Hope you enjoyed or hated, either of the two most extreme emotions, this here entry into the blogosphere. I do anticipate that it will inspire fear and violence but I think people need to know who is ruining the glorious world of cinema with their cheap trash. But I digress into a state of apathy, as I must go and watch the Cubs game. Because they inspire in me the opposite of the previous six men. So, as I leave you, I leave you with a message of love and tenderness from here in my very own living room. Stay safe, people. And as always, PLEASE wear a rubber. Nobody, especially me, wants your disgusting diseases.

The Weekend Box-Office (Or: Some People are Very Stupid)

Today, I'm going to go over the Top 5 of this past weekend's Box Office. I'll try and get to this every week, if time permits. Here it is, the April 3-5 Box Office.
(ed.'s note: Greg Mottola's Adventureland was not in the Top 5, even though it's the highest rated movie in the Top 10 by far. Shame on you, folks.

5. I Love You Man ($7.85 Million)
At almost $50 million, ILYM is going strong thanks to the star power of Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. And good for them. With a really strong marketing campaign, people are actually seeing this movie, which is a good decision because it's very funny. Comedies have trouble making a real ton of money, so $50 mil is a solid figure after 3 weeks for this movie. It's no Knocked Up, but it should beat out Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Role Models when it surpasses $60 million. Good work.

4. Knowing ($8.13 Million)
Nicholas Cage baffles me. His movies are horrible, yet...they continue to make money. Is it the hair? The saving of the world? The aliens obsessed with numbers? Or is it "HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!" It did have a pretty big drop though from it's opening weekend, so at least bad word of mouth is putting this movie in it's rightful place: on the way to a DVD release in June so people don't forget about it. (Forget about it, please)

3. The Haunting in Connecticut ($9.55 Million)
I don't know much about this movie, except that people are desperate to see a good horror movie. Well, I am too, but I'm not gonna spend my money on this garbage. I hear Martin Scorsese's "Shutter Island" that's due out in October is sort of a horror movie. So I'll wait to see that if I want to see a horror movie. It's too bad that teenagers go see these horrible movies because they think a movie that makes them "jump" is scary. Psh, maybe it is. Give me something horrifying that I'm going to have nightmares about, not something that's gonna make me go "OH! I didn't know that guy was gonna be there but he was so I flinched in my seat!"

2. Monsters vs. Aliens ($33.5 Million)
I guess kids gotta see something, right? I'm not sure how I feel about this movie but 3D surely helped the box office figures for this one. Even if it's just a gimmick, it's a gimmick that is working right now, so why wouldn't studios hammer it into the ground? Seems like a decent enough movie to take your kids too, but how has it made over $100 Million in two weeks? I suppose that it has something to do with the fact that we are in a recession or something. Then again, I spent $20 last night at various bars hoping to pick up women, so can I really fault parents taking their kids to a movie? Yes. But I won't. BTW, who would win in this matchup? I'd say Aliens. Monsters seem kind of dumb and like one-trick ponies.

1. Fast and Furious ($72.5 Million)
Please, people, stop choosing cheap thrills over quality. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are two of, if not THE two, worst actors currently working. And they are only currently working because of this movie. I'm just baffled and pissed off that this made so much. Ugh. One thing you can learn from this is that Marketing is Everything. Unbelievable. People are losing their jobs, but apparently people are spending their last dollars on Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and two nameless hot chicks drag racing. Was Tokyo Drift not enough? Are we on our way to Fast and Furious 8? Will this win any Razzies? I sure hope so.

Next Week Preview:
If you think this week was bad, wait til next week. The two big releases next week are Seth Rogen's "We suffer from bad timing" mall cop comedy, Observe and Report and the hellspawn that is Miley Cyrus' Hannah Montana Movie. Here is my Top 5 Prediction for next week:
1. Fast and Furious
2. Hannah Montana
3. Monsters vs. Aliens
4. Observe and Report
5. Haunting in Connecticut

I'd stay at home or spend your money at a bar. That's what I'll be doing.
And Good Night!

Random Review: "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"

As a self-proclaimed movie buff, I tend to notice things in movies that the regular moviegoer may not. It probably makes me more picky about movies in general, but I don't really care. It does, on occasion, take the fun out of certain movies but I'd rather appreciate the quality of the filmmaking than just enjoy myself. I now, I'm that kind of asshole but to each their own, I guess. There's one thing you should know before reading on: this review will be largely negative. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised to get a cease and desist from FOX since I attended a "free screening" of their movie before it came out and am going to bash it like I'm Chris Brown on Rihanna. But here is a review of the movie anyway because I'm just a rebel like that.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Ryan Reyonlds, Taylor Kitsch
Plot: How Wolverine became Wolverine.

*There will be no spoilers, although I wouldn't be spoiling much.*

Keep in mind that I'm not, nor have I ever been, a fan of the X-Men comics. Not because they are bad, just because I was never into comics. The three movies before though? They sucked. Hard.
Casting Iron
A big problem, but not the only one, was the casting. There were miscasts up, down, and all around. So much so that I'm going to write about the problem with a few of the major characters of the movie.
Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool: Anytime Ryan Reynolds opens his mouth, or even moves his arms in a funny fashion, I'm tempted to laugh even when I'm not supposed to. The man is not an action star, no matter how ripped he is. Stick to romantic comedies with a little raunch in them, Ryan. Here, his character is a laughable clown. And it's not funny.
Liev Schreiber as Sabertooth: Liev, you are better than this. His character was so badly constructed from the start that it made the character development in X-Men 3 look like an Alfred Hitchcock piece.
Dominic Monaghan as Beak: Hmmm, let's cast a Hobbit as a superhero! People that like Lord of the Rings will see this movie. No offense, Dominic, but maybe you should go back to TV until Guillermo Del Toro needs for 2011's The Hobbit. You aren't a great actor.
Taylor Kitsch as Gambit: If you've seen the TV show Friday Night Lights, then you know him as Riggins. And he doesn't act very different here. At all.

Remember When I Hosted the Oscars?
Listen, I have no problem with Hugh Jackman. He tried his hardest to make the Oscars more exciting and original, even if only parts of the show worked. But I don't see his appeal, as an actor. Yeah, he's a good looking guy, I get it, but can he really act? Because I haven't seen it. This movie here? It's a complete disaster from head to toe. Director of the movie Gavin Hood and I are buddies. (By buddies, I mean I looked him up on IMDb). When he invited me over for a "free screening" I was hesitant, because I didn't really want to see this movie ever. But it was free and before most people will see it, so I took up his offer. When it ended, he asked me what I thought. I told him "You know that scene in Jurrasic Park where they find that huge pile of dinosaur shit? Well, that had to pile up somehow. Over the last 100 minutes, I saw a pile of shit piling up more and more and more. This movie makes much hated X-Men 3 director Bret Ratner look like Orson Wells. Gavin, people are going to hate this movie and they are going to hate you for making it. Forever." Although I was kicked out of his house, I was satisfied with my answer. I had time to reflect on whether I was being too hard on the movie or not and I decided that I was being completely fair with my assessment. Nobody will like this movie. The action sequences are stupid, the emotional parts laughable, the plot holes bigger than Queen Kong's vagina, and actors that are either bad or really don't care about the product. I don't even feel bad about seeing it at my own private "free screening." There are just some movies you wish were never made. This is going to be one of them.
My suggestion? Save the $10 you would spend on this crap and wait a week to spend it to see Star Trek in IMAX. Or Terminator 4. Or Up. Or Drag Me to Hell. I'd even recommend Angels and Demons over this, because it can't be worse.
But you can watch this for free on numerous websites that I won't list, at risk of them getting taken off because of me. But instead of seeing it, you can do what I did after watching this garbage: ding-dong ditch my friend Gavin Hood at 4 AM.

Rating: 3/10

Hey FOX! Your movies suck and you're assholes for canceling Arrested Development!