All You Gotta Do is Tell Me What You Sippin' On

There are so many pretty girls out there. That's fine and good for the really attractive guys who can just walk up to girls and immediately make their panties wet from the mere fact that they get to talk to him. But for guys like me, who are of mid-level attractiveness, we really need to work for it. Guys like me are desperate for signs that a girl is the slightest bit interested. Like, for instance, if you're a girl that will talk to me for 10 minutes then casually name-drop your boyfriend, I hate you. I don't care if you eventually cure cancer. (I'm gonna die of liver failure anyway) One of the signs I look for the most is what kind of drinks a girl is ordering. It's not a perfect way to read a girl but it can be helpful. So here are 6 Drink Orders for Girls and What They Mean For Your Chances of Gettin' Lucky Not a great title, I know. But you get the idea. Let the misogynism begin!


Beer
What They're Saying: "I'll drink what I want and don't care if you like it"
Your Chances: Your chances are pretty damn good. Pretttttay good.
Explanation: Unless there's a cheap beer on sale, this girl cares very little about what you think of her. She's probably not skinny, but not fat. She's also probably ready to get down. Girls that drink beer are not afraid to get down. They don't want that sappy crap, they want a real man. Break a pool cue over some guy's head and make sure she sees it. When you're ordering drinks, whiskey and tequila shots are always the right decision. Be careful though, this girl probably can hold her liquor and you don't want to be outdrank by a woman, do you? Even Lance Bass would make fun of you for that.

Martini
What They're Saying: "I might be a drunk but I want people to think I'm sophisticated"
Your Chances: It's only the Men at Work who will get to her Land Down Under. (Pun, FTW!)
Explanation: A martini is socially viewed as a classy drink, so this girl wants to be seen as classy. And she might be. So throw the machismo out the window and start laying on the charm. You need to be smooth though because this girl can probably read through your bullshit. Or she might just like vodka alot. Either way, she's probably not a slut. Think Eva Mendes in "Hitch". Are you Will Smith? No. But you aren't going after Eva Mendes. Say words like "beautiful" instead of "pretty" or "radiant" instead of "gorgeous." Sometimes it's really all about the semantics and those martini-drinking woman love words that make you sound well-spoken and intelligent. Sex might be hard the first time you meet, unless you get her that 4th or 5th martini. (hint: that's pretty expensive. make sure they use Smirnoff instead of Grey Goose. PSYCH! Grey Goose is a panty dropper. Always go with the French liquor.)

Wine
What They're Saying: "I'm married, in a serious relationship, or too old to be drinking hard booze."
Your Chances: Run away.
Explanation: There's something about wine that just seems strange when you see it in a bar. Unless your at like a jazz bar or the like, you just don't see wine too much at bars. So what does this mean? Well, if a woman orders wine at a bar it means one of these things: all she drinks is wine, she said she'll meet someone for "one drink," she has kids, or she's married (or worse, a combo of all of those). Not that you don't have any chance but she'll be pushing for some sort of commitment and time before you get to travel to Happy Land. Also, there might be kids at her house and she probably has to get up real early. Ugh. Total fail.

Long Island Iced Tea
What They're Saying: "I'm here to get drunk and crazy! WHOOO!"
Your Chances: So good it's barely fair.
Explanation: There are only three things that happen after a girl drinks long islands: she gets drunk, she gets loud, or/and she gets laid. Some genius invented this drink knowing that booze x4 + sweet mixer = death to virginity. She's there to party. She may find you absolutely fascinating just from you saying "hey beautiful, didya know you have gum on your shoe?" She could be taking it slow with a vodka tonic or a rum and diet but NO. She's drinking booze and sugar. There's a party in your bedroom...all night long.

Cosmo
What They're Saying: "I know what I like and I like sweetness. In my drink."
Your Chances: Above decent, but not easy.
Explanation: Cosmo girls are tough. They are a mix of class and party-time. She won't be as hard to get as the martini girl but she'll be no long island either. Charm is the name of the game. Be kind of a dick too but not overtly so. Like, "Yeah, you know, you're kinda pretty." I hate cosmo girls for one reason: they are drinking cosmos. Chances are they were pregaming while watching Sex and the City. Will you be lucky enough to find a Samantha? Nope. You'll probably end up hitting on the lesbian red head all night. (read: maybe she's a switch hitter. i don't have to tell you what that means) Point is, be wary of the cosmo girl. You may very well find an easy one but you might just run into a celibate cigar shop owner.

Tequila N Tonic
What They're Saying: "Marry me, Mike Dolan."
Your Chances: You have none, it's all me.
Explanation: SHE'S MINE, BACK OFF!

Hong Kong Fuey
What They're Saying: "Wanna fuck in the bathroom?"
Your Chances: Your penis is just for show if you can't get this.
Explanation: There is enough booze in this drink to tranquilize an elephant. This girl will be so drunk after she's 1 and a half in that she will be sloppy, loud, obnoxious, and plain horny as all hell. Make sure you're the first guy she sees in a collared shirt and you'll be fumbling for your condom like Tony Romo in the playoffs. You shouldn't be proud of yourself for winning this battle, but if you're going for it, you probably really need it. So just go for it. For the win!


Does that help? I sure hope so. This isn't an exact science though. Just use it as a rough guide to women. Because if there's one thing I've been able to analyze over the last few years, it's that a drink can or cannot help you read a girl. But whatever. Enjoy the rest of your weekend fellas. It's Saturday night, go put the above to good use. Ciao.