It's back once again. The featurette that keeps you coming back for more and more, without regard for human decency. What does that even mean? WHO CARES?! Sit back, relax, crack open an ice cold Cranberry Apple Snapple, and enjoy yet another version of what you all know and love. It's The October Mailbag. Just make sure your snapple has a lil' kick to it.
Q: So Mike, What are you going to be for Halloween? An "AA Member"? Ha! All you'd have to do is wear a nametag!
--S. Tyler, East St. Louis, IL.
A: Me and my buddy were planning on being "Len and Bob," the Cubs TV broadcasters. But now I'm thinking I may need to be the guy that kicks your ass.
Q: Can you shed some light on this whole Roman Polanski situation for me and the blog?
--j. Morneau, Minneapolis, MN.
A: I don't really want to be a downer, but I will shed a teeny bit o' light on it. See Polanski is a great director. Without him, we wouldn't have Chinatown, Rosemary's Baby, or The Pianist. But here's the scoop: he drugged up a 13 year old on champagne and Quaaludes, took naked pictures of her, and raped her. Anyone that says he doesn't deserve to rot in jail for the rest of his life is an idiot. Any Hollywood figure that supports him because he makes great movies is a douchebag and should get an "aiding and abetting" charge. Hell, I hope Polanski lives til he's 115 just so he gets the sentence he deserves.
Q: Hey drunkstuff, what would the price of beer need to be at a bar for you to just say: "You know what? I'm not drinking tonight."
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Um...in this economy, almost any price is too much. But seriously, if I had a full wallet and was out, the highest price for a beer that I'd pay would be $5. And I'm talking for like a Guinness or 312. Not PBR. I'm not a total sucker. Although I did get a free sucker from the bank today. It was green apple. Not gonna lie, totally made my day.
Q: Say you're out for your birthday. Your buddy buys you a shot of a whiskey or something that you've always wanted to try that's like $40 a shot. Some drunk guy just comes up and takes the shot off the bar. What'd ya do?
--R. Sterling, New York City, NY.
A: First, I'd ask him "What the fuck?" Second, I'd ask him to buy the shot for me. As he would almost definitely not, I would, on behalf of my friend's generosity, order a beer to pour on said man. Then he'd hit me, I'd be knocked down. Then we both would get kicked out of the bar, but since it's my birthday, I'd just walk to a nearby bar. I mean, it's my birthday. A silly lil fight isn't going to ruin it.
Q: Who's the absolute worst and absolute best ESPN sportscaster?
--T. Roosevelt, Helena, MT.
A: The best sportscaster on ESPN, in my opinion, is Tim Kurkijan. I love that man, he could tell me lies about baseball for hours and I'd believe every single one. As for the worst, I would have to say Stuart Scott. I hate that lazy eyed man. Not because of his lazy eye, more because he is such a white-black guy that it's more see through than a wet t-shirt contest. Please, Stu. Embrace you're inner whiteness. "Boo-ya" went out of style in 1999.
Q: Is there a band out there that you would break up with someone for liking them?
--B. Mays, Heaven (or Hell).
A: Me? Probably not. But my loathtred for Nickelback and Creed is almost to the point where I would never let them drive, ever, so I'd pick the music every time. Sorry, those bands are more ear-infection-inducing than me on karaoke night. And anyone who's seen that is probably still taking their meds.
Q: What's the verdict here on drunk texting?
--W. Smith, Bel-Air, CA.
A: Drunk texting is a gloriously terrible thing. On one hand, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. On the other, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. Easy access and the lack of actual talking make it easier to say stupid things and easier to say stuff that we may think of but wouldn't actually say. There's no reason you shouldn't drunk text. It'll just let your true self out into the open. And everyone wants that. Especially potential girl/boy friends.
Q: What TV character would you most want to get drunk with?
--M.Scott, Scranton, PN.
A: All cool Mike Dolan aside, I'm going with my inner nerd here. I would totally love to get drunk with Desmond Hume from LOST. Also, I feel like I've answered this question in a previous mailbag. If I have to explain my answer, then you don't watch LOST. Desmond just straight up rocks the boat that is my life. In a totally bromantic way.
Q: What is the absolute lowest you would go for a free drink? Be honest, I don't want some evasive crap answer.
--V.Vaughn, Crappy Rom-Com Land, Hollywood.
A: I'd dance on a bar without my shirt on without fear of getting kicked out. Is that degrading enough? No? I'd dance on the bar without my shirt on while singing Miley Cyrus. Only for a top shelf cocktail though.
Q: On Monday October 5th, ESPN is attempting to break the record for most times saying "Brett Favre" on a television broadcast. Fair or foul?
--M. Forte, FantasyBustland, IL.
A: Here's what's gonna happen. Let's all pitch in and buy an hour on public access TV and just repeat "BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE ESPN SUCKS BRETT FAVRE" over and over until we break the record. Then, ESPN would have a bad publicity war, especially when I submit the video to Fox Sports. Then, I will be in the Guinness Book of World Records and preserve my legacy of spite and awesomeness. Take that, ESPN, I will beat you at being epically lame.
Q: Have you "kissed a drunk girl"? Would you tell someone "damn you look good and I'm drunk"? Have you ever "blamed it on the al-al-al-alcohol"? Are you "love drunk or hungover"? Are you "dulling the day with a drink in a parking garage by a theatre"?
--E. Brokovich, HoDunk, MS.
A: I love this question. Of course I've kissed a drunk girl, I think a better question is if I kissed a sober one. Of course I would tell someone that, especially if said person was looking mighty fine and I was drunk. Everyone's blamed in on the alcohol, Jaime, it's just one of those things I have to do to live with myself. I'm not hungover and I'm not sure what "love drunk" actually is and I haven't had anything to drink today, so neither? Oh. I will be. Soooooooooooon.
Q: So Tom Arnold and I went out for a beer last night, one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up. Does this one encounter make me gay, considering I was drunk?
--M. Moore, Pretentiousville, Washington DC.
A: Um...you aren't gay. Just desperate.
Q: How many times a week is "too much" when it comes to masturbation? For guys and girls, please.
J. Louis-Dreyfus, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Too much? Listen, nobody likes talking about this in front of the opposite sex. But let's be honest for a second: regardless of personal feelings on the subject, it's a natural thing. I think though, that if you average more than once a day, that's a problem and you should probably start spending your money on drinks for women at bars rather than subscriptions to porn. Just saying. Also, if girls think that guys don't like hearing that they masturbate, they are wrong. Also, just sayin'.
Q: Quick. I'm having a party in 10 minutes and I need an obscene drinking game that nobody's played before to get people so drunk they barely remember being here. GO!
Rev. A. Sharpton, New York City, NY.
A: OK OK OK OK OK....uhhhhh....uhhhh.....HERE I GOT IT! Set up a game of beer pong BUT fill up 4 cups with shots of something. Fill the others up with beer. Have a round robin tournament. OR you could play wine pong (aka Greek Pong), which is equally as mind blowing/erasing.
Q: Who's the one celebrity, that if they died, you would be most shaken by their death?
--W. Goldber, New York City, NY.
A: Wow. Um. I think that if Jay Cutler died, the entire city of Chicago's heads would instantaneously explode out of sheer disbelief. Like, the city would literally lose it. Tears of grown men on the way to work, women OMGing on their cell phones. But not me. Mine would be Morgan Freeman. What? Guy was in Shawshank. Shaw fucking Shank.
Q: If you could meet one person, living or dead, for just one night, but then would never come within 5 miles of him/her again for the rest of your life, who would it be?
K. Nealon, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Andrew McMahon. You ask me this question like I asked it to myself! Ha! The lead singer of Jack's Mannequin/Something Corporate is pretty much my favorite person alive. Although I would have to sacrifice seeing him live, I could never deny the opportunity to sit down with that man. Dude survive cancer and he's still making music with his eyes closed. Fucking hero right there. Ok, back to stuff more people than just me care about.
Q: Why don't more people like, listen to, and respect 3OH!3 more? Their musical talent is ridiculous.
--Chumbuwumba, London, England.
A: Because people are stupid and they just can't respect musical talent when they here it. Radiohead? Led Zepplin? The Beatles? What are people even thinking? Their talent is so lacking it makes William Hung look like a musical genius. 3OH!3 has the courage to just go balls to the wall and go for it. And guess what? They hit it on the nail every damn time.
(This answer sponsored by sarcasm.)
Q: What would be the best idea for a wedding ever? I need to know, since I'm probably getting married soon.
--T. Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: OK, this is weird. But there's this band I like called "The White Tie Affair" and I just think that's the perfect name for a wedding band. So if they played, then if everyone wore White Ties, that would be so awesome I wouldn't even know how to handle all the greatness in the room. Oh, and obviously I'm going to have an open bar, but only if the bartender talks in an Irish/Australian accent all night. Also, my first dance is going to be an acoustic version of "Jack's Mannequin- Made For Each Other." But I haven't really thought about it.
Q: What's a perfect night for you? Also, can you answer this entire question only using Jack's Mannequin lyrics?
J. Kase, Chicago, IL.
A: Ehem, if you please. "This is morning, it's when I spend the most time writing your songs by a palm tree. Hours pass, I wanna hear some music. I deconstruct my thoughts, dulling the day with a drink in my boxcar on the beach. I swim across an ocean, fill our cups and light one up. Hours pass and now there's no turning back. I drink gin and watch the news. Miss Delaney lets me drive her car so I can score an eighth from the lesbians out west in Venice. She's raising hell, I'm coming home from the mansion where i hide. I read your books, but stay out late, here til close. This night's a perfect shade of lights and buzz. I'm weak in the knees, her black designer dress in my car where it's warm. On 3rd street, I see Arizona stars, we made out until the sun came up. Fuck yeah, we can live like this."
(This answer sponsored by how awesome I am.)
Q: What's the best drunk scene in a movie this year?
--S. Seagal, Oakland, CA.
A: The easy answer would be some scene from The Hangover, but you never really seem them drunk. So I'd say the best drunk scene from a movie is when Paul Rudd projectile vomits all over that guy in "I Love You, Man." Or the drunk karaoke scene in "(500) Days Of Summer," the best movie of the year.
Q: Is there any surefire way to get rid of a hangover? I mean, I keep trying different things but nothing works.
K. Orton, Denver, CO.
A: Every hangover is different or everyone would treat hangovers the exact same. Here are the most effective ways of dealing with a hangover: marijuana, caffeine, greasy food, sleep. In that order. (What? Just because my initials are "M.F.D." doesn't mean I'm a Mother Fucking Doctor.)
FINAL QUESTIONNNNNNNNNNN
Q: Say you're out at a club. You're clearly too drunk to dance, but you're dancing, letting loose, whatever. That blonde across the room is eyeing you a little bit. So you go and ask her to dance. You two start making out. Eventually you get back to your place, start fooling around, blah blah blah. What is a proper reaction to reaching down there and "not finding what you expect", so to speak?
--T. Harding, Anchorage, AK.
A: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............whaaaaaaaaaaat? Give me a second to compose myself. Ugh, ok. Um. I would kick her out/leave and take sleeping pills or roofies, pass out, and hope I didn't remember that in the morning. Or I would tape the whole encounter and send it to your boss. Either way, it's up to you. And it's a big big big big big failllllllllure.
Hope you LOL'd enough to be satisfied with this month's mailbag. As always, I apologize if you didn't laugh or cry. Anyways, that's it. As always, I'll see you soon. Stay happy peoples and remember: if you can't laugh at my blog, read it more closely. You're missing something. It's funny as hell.
Bye Bye!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment