What Day Is It Again?

Holidays are fun. I mean, except for Arbor Day. But most are enjoyable. People love celebrating things, no matter how arbitrary or irrelevant. Basically, some people need excuses to drink. And while I sip on my third vodka tonic of this meaningless Sunday night, others need more than just the day to end in "y" to pop a bottle. That's why I've put together a little list. Because lists are like crack to me. Their order is me pipe. And my readers are of course the lighter. But here are The 6 Best Drinking Holidays. If you don't know what's going to win....you clearly need a Guinness.


6. Purim
Origin: It's a Jewish festival to celebrate the deliverance of their people from the Persian Empire. You know, way back in the day. Since they were going to be exterminated, this seems like an OK thing to celebrate. But I mean, if there was a holiday every time the Jewish people were threatened with extermination, the calender would just be the לוּחַ שָׁנָה.
Date: Purim takes place near the end of February, but I can't be sure since 1) I'm not Jewish and 2) I'm not going farther than Wikipedia for this info.
Boozy Influence: I'm not sure, but I hear it's a hell of a mitzvah. There are parades, big meals, giving of gifts, and tons of wine. And since, as everyone knows, those Hebrews party harder than any of us, they eat dessert with....get this....DECAF COFFEE! WHOA! Of course, I'm just kidding. These wildly appropriate parties that take place all through the "erev" with tons of liquor and other awesome stuff that I simply can't describe. Because I don't know what it is and refuse to do any more research.
Torah Torah Torah

5. Cinco De Mayo
Origin: The holiday celebrates the Mexican's victory of the French back in 1962. It is NOT Mexico's Independence Day and isn't as widely celebrated in Mexico as it is in the United States.
Date: I'm going to say that if you can't figure what day "Cinco De Mayo" is on, you belong with Tracy Turnblad in Special Ed. And they said I couldn't fit a Hairspray reference into Cinco De Mayo.
Boozy Influence: Since Americans will do anything for a chance to get "crunk" or whatever, we stole a nearly irrelevant Mexican holiday and BAM! We sip Corona, shoot Tequila, and make bad decisions like that Mexican heart surgeon who smuggled his kids into America to become a landscaper. Not to take anything away from the holiday, since it's one of the best days to celebrate. Mexicans know how to siesta and duermo mucho. I know. Crazy stuff.
Don't Drinko and Driveo

4. Halloween
Origin: It was a Celtic holiday that was adopted by the people who did everything awesome for this country, Irish immigrants, and its traditions spread like a California Wildfire that Arnold Schwarzanaegger doesn't know how to deal with--because he has no political experience. He's a bodybuilder. The United States of California, Ladies and Gents.
Date: Come on. October 31. EVERY YEAR, OVER AND OVER, TRICK OR TREAT, CASPER THE DAMNED FRIENDLY GHOST!
Boozy Influence: You know the drill. Girls, get your slutty costumes out. Guys, don't try too hard and just be simple and creative. Get drunk. Take off costumes. "Bob for apples." Get your "tricks or treats." Light your joints with a pumpkin. And make out with the other girl that's wearing the same slutty cheerleader costume. Wait, that's not a costume? Ummmm....Ooops! (runs far.)
The Girl In the Green Forgot She's Not 11

3. Mardi Gras
Origin: Simple. It's a designated party date to get out all your craziness before you don't ever drink, especially on St. Patrick's Day, Spring Break, or during the day on a random Saturday when you're bored.
Date: The last day before Lent begins. Sometimes, people party past midnight and it's like "Uh Oh!"
Boozy Influence: It's a damned carnival. People go to St. Louis or New Orleans, take to the treats dressed up as French pedofiles and get hammered. Because you know why? Because it's Tuesday, damnit! For the non-Christians, Mardi Gras is the same thing as it is for Christians. Get on that extra awesome pinata and wave to the crowd as you do your best Lady Di impression and....you know what? I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Let's just keep the line moving.
Not Recommended for People With Irrational Fear of Weird French MakeUp

2. New Years
Origin: The World Started.
Date: I'll give you a hint: no I won't.
Boozy Influence: Probably the biggest social holiday in the United States, New Years is a time to pop a cork, party with friends, and kiss strangers at midnight. Fireworks, fun, and frolicking along the boulevard. I know how that's I spend my new year's. Except last year. I dislocated my knee. People listen to "The New Year" by ABBA and drinking sparkling apple juice while holding hands with their best girl watching Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve, all the while hoping some little known blogger doesn't write about it 35 years ago while mocking them. But he will. OH! HE WILL!
Bongo Is Not Happy With You


1. ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Origin: The feast day of the snake murdering, English-hating, all-around awesome dude, St. Patrick. He'd totally pwn you.
Date: MARCH 17TH! YOU KNOW THIS! BAH!!!!!!
Boozy Influence: We dye things green, wear green, drink green beer, and we wear green condoms. WE DO IT ALL BECAUSE THE IRISH HAVE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORLD AWESOME. YOU CAN"T DENY IT! YOU LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT! RAISE UP POLISH, GERMAN, FRENCH, ITALIAN, GREEK, AFRICAN, LATINO, ASIAN, AUSTRALIAN, CANADIAN, CHILEAN, AND ANTARCTIC ESKIMO PEOPLE, FOR IT IS THE IRISH YOU LOVE! WE EVEN ATE POTATOES FOR YEARS AT A TIME JUST SO YOU CAN PARTY ONE DAY A YEAR! NOT TRUE? THEN HOW DID I ADD IT TO WIKIPEDIA?!?! Grab a Guinness, take a shot of whiskey, and kiss me, i'm Irish. ERIN GO FUCKING BRAGH!
Photo of Dublin's River Liffey on St. Patty's Day, taken by yours truly

Enough. Capiche. Blahdey Blah Blah. You enjoyed it, I know, thank you. You know, I can't hear you, you don't actually have to give me a standing ovation. Ha, oh, this is just too flattering. Anyways, I love ya'll but i gots to hit and run. As usual, I know. But you know I'll be back soon enough. Until then....BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!