Where Do You Belong?

Everybody belongs somewhere. Well, I take that back. Some people are big losers. But everyone else belongs somewhere. Throughout life we continually search for our place in the world. Where do we live? Where do we eat? Where do we have sex? Where do we eat while having sex? Such hard questions that take a lifetime (or a few drinks) to figure out. But when it comes to where to drink, people need to fit in just like they do in their cozy suburb. Some people need help figuring it out. Here's where their help comes from. How To Tell Where You Should Be Drinking. Now let's make like Annie Lennox and walk on some broken glass. That made sense, trust me.

Sports Bar
Common Features: Lots of TV's, Lots of Men, Lots of Beer, Sports Decorations All Over, Fat People.
Do I Belong? You simply need to ask yourself the following questions: Do I Like Beer? Do I Like Sports? Am I Married? Do I Like Sports More than Women? Do I Like Sports More than My Family? Do I Like Buffalo Wings More than My Family? If you've answered yes to two of these questions or more, you belong at a sports bar. Obviously, it takes a special type of woman to belong at a sports star and there are only two questions to find out the answer: Are you a lesbian? and Are you Canadian? Answer yes to either, and you belong at a sports bar.
Pictured: Sports Bar's Attendees Look-A-Like

Dive Bar
Common Features: Pungent Smells, Low Lighting, Silence, Alcoholics, Cheap Prices
Do I Belong? Ask yourself these questions: Am I an Alcoholic? Are You Looking to Drink During the Day Without Anyone Finding Out? Do I Not Care About Personal Hygiene? Am I Going to Pay For My Beer in Quarters Because I Have No Bills? Did My Wife/Girlfriend or Husband/Boyfriend just leave me for the 24-year old Colombian Maid/Pool Boy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you belong at a dive bar. And that's really a downer. Because if you belong at a dive bar, you have lost all shame. You might as well walk outside on Tuesday morning in sweatpants and your spaghetti stained shirt.
Pictured: Mickey Mouse's Drunk Cousins He Doesn't Want You to Know About

Jazz Bar
Common Features: Jazz, Wine, Candlelight, Faux Romanticism, Clever Words to Make Me Seem Smart.
Do I Belong? Again, ask yourself the following: Are you happily Married/In a Relationship? Do you like jazz more than most music? Do you like wine better than the better liquors? Are you over 40? Are you pretentious, i.e. are you a hipster? Do you enjoy taking it easy over having fun? Are you the death of fun? Do you play jazz flute like little fairy boys? (note: this is a movie quote, not an insult) If you answered yes to two or more, you belong in a jazz bar. If you answered yes to all, congratulations, you are the oldest people to ever read my blog. You win an early bedtime and an AARP membership.
Pictured: Class

Dance Bar
Common Features: Dancing, Loud, Blaring Techno that Makes Your Hear Nearly Explode, $15 drinks, People More Attractive than Me or You Dancing Together While We Try to Figure Out If It's Even Worth Going Out On the Dance Floor and Asking Someone Way Out of Our League to Dance and Look Like Losers When They Reject Us.
Do I Belong? Pose in the Mirror and ask yourself these questions: Are you a high roller? Are you addicted to coke/ecstasy? Are you a good dancer with no personality? Are you a good looking human? Do you have enough money to pay for all those $20 shots? Really? Are You Sure You Aren't Lying? Do you enjoy headaches because of music and not hangovers? Have you ever just let loose to your all time fav jam, like, tots all night? Would you reject me if I asked to talk/dance/come within 20 feet of you? Is your name Eric Prydz? If you answered yes to two or three of these questions, then you belong in a dance bar. I'll see you there after they make me wait in line for two hours.
Pictured: Three Pussies

Gay Bar
Common Features: FlamBOYance, Style, Ironic Decor, Fun Music, Dance Parties, Guys Singing Britney.
Do I Belong? Grab a orange mocha frappuccino and answer these inquiries: Are You Gay or Bi-Sexual? Are you a straight girl thinking "I JUST WANT TO DANNNNNNNCE!"? Are you looking for a challenge? Do You Watch Project Runway? Do you spend longer than 15 minutes on your hair? No, but seriously, are you gay? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, you belong in a Gay Bar. Gay bar's are crazy. They're like dance bars without the attitude of all the douchebag Italians.
PIctured: Antarctica's Only Gay Bar


Topless Bar
Common Features: Boobs. Naked.
Do I Belong? Are you a male with very little chance of getting laid tonight? Are you married and shameless? Do you like seeing girls naked? Did your dad not love you enough? Do you hate yourself and project that onto women? Are you a Senator? Do you watch porn daily? Do you like crappy buffets? Do you have an hour to kill during the workday? Are you a black professional athlete? Are you just a creepy dude overall? Are you a girl that has been asked by her boyfriend to go that wants her boyfriend to owe her one so he'll finally take you to that posh new Asian Fusion restaurant on State St.? If you answered yes to two questions, or more, than you belong at a Topless Bar. Congratulations, you aren't getting laid tonight. Unless you pay extra.
Pictured: Winners


I would hope after reading this you now know where you belong. And if you don't think it fits you, then maybe you need to take a look at your life. Go test out my theories tonight, readers. It is Tuesday, after all. Enjoy and thank me later. Until next time, which will likely be my guest blogger Jeremy Kase's first post, I bid you adieu.