Why hello there! Since my guest blogger is taking longer than a lunar leapyear to get his blog post in, I'm gonna give you something new. I call it a SURPRISE MAILBAG! It's where I surprise you with an unexpected mailbag at an unexpected time, aka not the 1st of the month. We'll call it a SUPER SEXY SURPRISE HOLIDAY MAILBAG. Maybe the title needs work. But I'll tell you something: the questions and answers don't. Because they're perfect.
Q: I know you've been asked before, but what are you REALLY being for Halloween? And for that matter, I hear you're going to a dance. WITH A GIRL EVEN! What's that about?
--M. Forte's Declining Running Ability, Chicago, IL
A: I'm wearing a T-Shirt that reads as follows:
"Memo:
Ms. Cyrus, WEAR STILLETOS!
Love,
Hollywood"
Total win, right?
Q: If you had to be one other nationality, what would it be and why? I mean, don't say Irish. Stop being a stupid alcoholic and give me a straight answer.
--N. Patrick Harris' Unknown Homosexuality, New York, NY
A: After much deliberation, I'm thinking I'd be a Nigerian. How's that for a non-alcoholic answer?
Q: Don't you feel a little underdressed when you're listening to The White Tie Affair?
--L. Lohan's Sense of Self-Worth, Los Angeles, CA
A: I don't think I could've said it any better. I love this band but their name alone makes me feel like I'm a slob. Oh, just cause I'm wearing my Homer Simpson slippers, sweatpants and a paint-stained white t-shirt means I'm not classy? Please. White ties are for people who can pull off white ties. Not that I can't, but I'd probably just end up looking like 8 maids a milking. What?
Q: WHY CAN'T I FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER?!?!?!
--H. Duff's Sense of Youthful Wonder, San Jose, CA
A: You can. My twitter name is "mdole" but I mostly use it to follow cool celebs, bands, and get movie/TV news. Because I'm really cool, remember?
Q: If you could have one person lead your intervention who would it be?
--Bono's Need For Attention, Belfast, Northern Ireland
A: OK. Who's a natural born leader, convincing, dashing, and all-around attractive but not so much that it'd be distracting? That's right, I know exactly who you're thinking too. I think it would have to be Creed from The Office. I mean, just think of all the wisdom he could impart. He's seen, heard, and done everything. So him leading an intervention for me would make me feel alot better about attempting to quit drinking if it ever got that bad.
(Side Note: I got an email today from substance-abuse-counsler.com telling me they've added my blog to their database. About time.)
Q: Ten Best Thing About Halloween....GO!
--A. McMahon's God-Like Demeanor, Everywhere, World
A: Well, I'll try and give this a go:
10. Trick or Treating
9. Taking your kids trick or treating.
8. Costume Parties
7. Seeing Creativity and Shame Reach No Bounds
6. Deciding What You're Going to Wear
5. Candy
4. Candy-Flavored Liquor
3. Girls drinking candy-flavored liquor
2. Girls' Costumes
1. It's an excuse to drink your pants off. (or go out without pants on at all)
Q: What is just the best idea you've ever had about anything? I'm talking anything....
S. Irwin's Stingray Friend Stabby, Melbourne, Australia
A: Going to Amsterdam without telling anyone is, was, and will always the best idea I've ever had. Even though I almost was robbed, arrested, and killed, I don't regret one single moment in the Promised Land. Because if something bad happens in Heaven, at least you're still waking up to angels. Copyright, Michael Francis, Inc.
Q: I remember a while back you answered a question completely in Jack's Mannequin lyrics. It was decently impressive I guess. Can you do the same with Britney Spears lyrics? I'm guessing no. But here's my question. If you had to pick one sexual position that could be the only one you could use for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
--K-Fed's Extremely Large Waistline, San Diego County Zoo, CA
A: There's things about me you just have to know: I'm not a girl, but now I'm stronger than yesterday. You're fakin' like a good one, but I'm addicted to you cause I know baby, I'm so into you. Baby, get it get it, get it get, what? They say she's so lucky as she says "I'm a Slave for being caught in between." Oops! I lose all my senses in between Peter, Paul, and Mary. If you seek Amy, I must confess, from the bottom of my broken heart, it's Britney bitch on shattered glass that I'm a slave for.
(WHOA!)
Q: I heard you're pretty good at Fantasy Football. What are some other fantasy things you're good at?
--D. Jackson's Incredibly Fast Legs, Philadelphia, PA
A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. Tough in that I want to answer it but might be judged too harshly. Whatever. I'm DYNAMITE at Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Soccer. Also, I'm not bad at fantasy roleplay but I was just never born to be an actor. I bet I'd be better at writing fantasy roleplay. Not that I'm bad at it. Shit, stop talking Mike. You do realize you can go back and erase stuff you're saying to yourself, right Mike? Why are you still typing? YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON ON YOUR BLOG SHUT IT.
Q: Give me some weed talk. You never talk about weed. Didn't you use to be a huge stoner? What made you quit? Weed. WEED. WEED WEED WEED.
--A. Kutcher's Twitter Following, Hartford, CN.
A: This question has probably been a long time. Here's the deal. I've probably smoked more weed than you. Does that make me cooler than you? Absolutely not. I quit because weed makes me lazy and boring. And I like being active and exciting. I'll still do it now and then, but my stoner days are long gone. FOR NOW!
Q: What are some of the best movies to watch hungover? I'm always hungover on the weekends and just lay around. I need some suggestions like Christian Bale needs a Xanax.
--M. Fox's Match.com Account, Boise, ID
A: Movies that aren't great but a) light and enjoyable and b) require little thought, are the best hangover movies. Some good ones are Major League, Top Gun, Ghostbusters, Joe Dirt, The Transporter, High Fidelity, and (my personal cure for all hangovers, sadness, and the unfunnies) Shaun of the Dead.
Q: What are your thoughts on Adderall usage? Is it really helping our kids study or is it a dangerous problem that our schools need to deal with?
--National Association of Short People, Providence, Rhode Island
A: I love adderall usage. I think it brings out a really different side of a person that you wouldn't see normally. And you don't even have to get them drunk. It's also very useful to use for studying and partying, because sometimes you can't sleep during either activity. As for it's detractors, I say this: yeah, you're probably right. It's probably terrible for you. But think of it this way: so is an F, sleeping alone, and being tired all day. Dolan shoots. He scores.
Q: I'm a virgin new to the game. I just got my first girlfriend! I need 7 sex tips for beginners so that I don't embarrass myself with my more experienced lady.
--Carrie Bradshaw's Biggest Fans, New York, NY
A: WHOA! Talk about a question that is going to make people think I'm misogynistic to a high degree! Love it! Here are seven tips for virgin or just inexperienced sex that I've picked up on my many travels.
1. If you pay for it, they'll almost never laugh at you.
2. Being drunk might make it a little better, but you're still awful. Just do it sober and enjoy the feeling while it lasts.
3. No matter who it is, the girl is going to tell her friends about how bad you were. The novelty (or "cuteness") of sleeping with a virgin, for a girl at least, only lasts until she realizes how bad you are. Just tell her you're a virgin.
4. Wear a condom. If you don't, it'll last for about 20 seconds.
5. No dirty talk. You suck.
6. Make sure it's in the right hole. That'd be embarrassing.
7. Enjoy! It's sex and you're doing it!
Q: Yankees/Phillies World Series. How much do you not care? Answer in analogies please!
--Padres Fans' Sense of Self-Worth, San Diego, CA
A: The following analogies are all presented by how much I care about the World Series. (Imagine them all starting with "I care about the World Series this year as much as...")
...the Bears care about tackling.
...Florida hockey fans actually care about hockey.
...Jon and Kate actually care for their kids instead of money.
...red-green colorblind people care about the movie "The Color of Money"
...most Americans care about soccer.
...that two-month old cares where his milk comes from.
...Bobby Dolan cares.
Q: I need your help might badly. You see, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I'm dressing up as the St. Pauli Girl mascot and my boyfriend is going as a fat German guy. (Not much costume needed, lol!) Anyways, after we do some roleplay with some schnitzel, sauerkraut, and Munster cheese, we are heading out to a party. My boyfriend, however, wants to bring another "bratwurst" into the bedroom so to speak. Originally it was my idea, but he brought it up as sort of a "present" to me. Now, normally this would be this fraeulin's dream come true but I'm worried that he's a little too excited about it. How do I figure out if he's doing this for me or exploring some of his other "feelings"?
--Pam Beasely's Lesser Known Sister, Scranton, PA
A: I'm glad you came to me Pam because I have no experience in this matter. As for your costume, not bad. That's pretty creative. Sounds like your boyfriend is a class act. As for how to find out his real feelings on the topic, I'll tell you. You see, there's a large double standard when it comes to how "gay" it makes someone for participating in one. As for women, it's sexy to have the 2 women, 1 guy threesome. As for men, it's awkward to have the 2 guy, 1 girl threesome. Is it unfair? Maybe. But here's why it's consider much, much more "iffy" for a guy to have a 2 guy, 1 girl threesome: girls are attractive. Their bodies are beautiful works of art, carefully sculpted. There's barely any hair and more possibilites for attractive features. Guys? We're gross. We're hairy all over. And let's be honest: those things hanging off us are about as good looking as a gypsy garage sale. So when a girl participates in a threesome with another girl, it's more acceptable because it's easier to appreciate the attractiveness of a woman than it is for a man to appreciate how good another man looks. Girls are more attractive than guys in every sense of the word. So it's much EASIER for women to appreciate each other.
As for your answer freulien, he's at least bi-curious. Sorry. Might want to cook some extra bratwurst for the rest of the weekend.
Well that's it for the surprise mailbag! Did you enjoy? ME TOO! Anyways, I hope you've had a good start to the week and enjoy the rest of this week. My guest blogger WILL have his post up in a few days. Or he will die. Go in peace, brothers and sisters, and remember to always give it your all. Especially when it's telling other people about my blog.
Night!
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