More like revenge of the....eh, I got nothing. Yes, yes, since Transformers 2 has come out on DVD I've decided to resurrect this pitiful segment for a limited time. You know the drill: I eat junk food, get sloshed, and watch Michael Bay movies, not necessarily in that order. It's all-around torture (who I am I kidding? I love it). But onward with the tomfoolery! I am proud to say that I have not seen this yet and only sort of paid for it because I got it via Netflix. Also, I'm expecting this to be than Waterworld on Land. Let's shake out booties out on the dock and get groovin' here.
00:00:00: Today, I will be drinking Jack & Coke throughout the film. I miss Jack & Coke. We used to be such a great threesome. In fact, the only threesome I ever had was with Jack & Coke. And by that I mean I had a threesome with Jack and Coke, not two girls because of Jack & Coke. Ugh...it's so much harder to write an immoral blog with judges of character now reading. Juuuuuuuuuuuust kiddinggggggggg.......
00:01:00: You people that like this crap realize it's about toys right? Also, there are Mayans. This has alot to do with stuff I bet.
00:02:01: Oh, so the Mayans discovered the transformers first? Cliche alert: 1.
00:03:31: Nothing says awesome movie like a robot narrator. Reminds of those speech filters on the really old Mac comps.
00:04:56: Tyrese and that guy who played Tad Hamilton are pretty attractive males. And usually I'd wait until an hour and three drinks in to say that.
00:06:14: OK, the problem I have so far with this movie is that it's really stinky. What, you were expecting something profound?
00:06:41: Are those robots voiced by Chris Tucker and his gay brother Christoph Tucker?
00:08:16: Robots are fighting. How much it matters is up to you.
00:09:33: Shia's mom cries as he's about to leave for college. I remember when I left for college. My parents just told me "please don't fuck this up." Direct quote.
00:10:31: Dogs humping. So far, that's the most interesting thing that's happened so far.
00:11:31: Megan Fox sighting. Why is she talking? Shut up.
00:12:49: Everything in Shia's kitchen is turning into deadly robots. I think. I'm just judging by the music.
00:14:21: There's a war in Shia's front lawn! Reminds me of my 21st birthday.
00:16:19: Megan Fox is undressing. AND not talking. MMMMHMMM.
00:18:03: How could you be in a Long Distance Relationship with Megan Fox and not think she's gonna bang half the block by the time you're 40 miles away?
00:19:01: Just to let you know: There is NO plot yet. Still waiting. Oh wait, there's two black robots apparently and one's an ice cream truck. I'll have a butta pecan, yo!
00:21:28: Cheesy religious reference by Tyrese. Cliche Alert: 192.
00:22:59: "You're paid to shoot, not talk." Michael Bay: He Can Even Offend the Troops!
00:23:53: When you need a character to give a speech explaining what the plot of the movie is, your movie SUCKS BALLS.
00:25:00: The dialogue...ugh. Who wrote this, Bobo the Performing Monkey?
00:25:36: Popular Rock Song. Cliche Alert: 244.
00:26:29: therealeffingdeal.com. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, cause it's mentally disabled.
00:27:11: Pause. Drink NUMERO DOS, POR FAVOR!
00:27:46: Shia's roomie is obsessed with the media's cover up of the robots. Of course.
00:29:33: Shia's mom is high off hash brownies. OK. That's actually pretty funny. I wish my mom would do that.
00:31:12: Robot puking something down a pipe. Oh it's a bunch of little robots. How sweet.
00:32:22: Sorry, I'm not really paying attention. BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED!
00:33:07: College party with girls that are so hot they wouldn't even need to go to college. Cliche Alert: 333.
00:34:25: I bet this girls evil. Also hot. Lapdance. Megan Fox is waiting by a computer for Shia. I hate Shia.
00:35:01: "I was going to get you a tighter shirt." "There is no tigher shirt. We checked." Stuff you'll hear at a frat party, take one.
00;37:15: Either Shia's car spooged all over some girl, or my middle name isn't Francis. (Hint: it might be)
00:38:16: Plot update: none.
00:40:10: Normally there'd be more witty comments, but there is literally nothing happening.
00:41:01: Evil robot rises from the ashes of the deep blue see and quickly lands on another planet. LOVEEEEEEEE IT!
00:42:44: i wonder if these robots can go on Facebook like, in their heads. That'd be pretty badass. Also, I'm thinking of starting Colts Defense over Patriots Defense in fantasy football. Your thoughts?
00:43:44: DWIGHT FROM THE OFFICE AS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR! He just told a girl to finish his apple. And keeps flirting with the hot girls in the front row. "There are no questions til the climax." No truer words....
00:45:20: Shia just had a seizure. I know cause I read up on them when I started dated an epileptic.
00:46:13: Megan Fox is about to get invaded. And god, even the humor in this is more forced than a huge black penis into a teenager in amateur porn. ugh. too much visiual.
00:47:38: Some mini-robots stepping in mouse traps. WHAT A KLUTZ LOLZZZZZZZZZZ!
00:48:55: There is a Bad Boys 2 poster in Shia's dorm. (Another Michael Bay Movie) I think I just might punch my fireplace.
00:50:11: Shia just wrote hieroglyphics all over his dorm and the evil blonde that his car spooged on is coming on to him hard. Megan Fox is coming in. Broken up. OH THE BLONDE'S A ROBOT! Happens to the best of 'em Shia.
00:52:11: OK, if I HAD to get killed, it would be by a hot alien robot. Ugh I'm already too drunk to write. This could be fuN!
00:53:43: Trapped in the library! It's like Columbine with technology!
00:54:46: Megan Fox acting < Megan Fox sitting doing nothing.
00:55:55: OK. What just happened, nobody would ever survive. NO SCRATCHES! WHERE ARE WE, NARNIA?!!?!? FCK ME.
00:56:44: Shia's taken prisoner by some evil robot thing. He can cross that off his sex fantasy list.
00:58:19: I mean Shia's talking about relationships with the evil robot and I mean, that's a major turn off after just meeting someone. Right, ladies?
01:00:01: If robots fight in the forest, do people pay $9.50 to see it? Apparently the answer is: you're retarded if you did.
01:01:19: Robot dialogue > Human dialogue
01:03:04: Robots fighting with depressing sad music. Listen: this is the sound of me not caring.
01:04:49: God, Shia's mom is such a unhot mess.
01:06:13: Tanker just got destroyed. How is there an hour an twenty minutes left? Fuck me running.
01:07:08: Watching this in Blu-Ray makes me want to destroy my Blu-Ray player.
01:08:55: News reports about what just happened. You know, this movie could've been 3 minutes shorter without this.
01:10:00: Racist robots are back. I mean, they aren't even really trying to be racially alright. They are just straight up stereotypes. Might as well be carrying some KFC and Watermelon.
01:12:09: YOU DIDN'T JUST DO TYRESE LIKE THAT!
01:13:25: FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER. See, I can do it too, Michael Bay.
01:14:29: If I were a racist robot, I'd totally be sippin' on Hen and Patron.
01:15:48: John Turtorro owns a Jewish delicasttesian. I wish someone would take me to a Jewish deli....just saying.
01:16:43: DUDE'S GOT BAGEL'S TO SCHMEAR!
01:17:22: Secret hideout underneath the Jewish deli. Anti-Jewish conspiracy theorist ammuniation, take four.
01:18:44: Their using words and phrases I'm supposed to know but don't. Hey, I could lie and say I know what I'm doing but then I'd be Michael Bay.
01:20:28: No, that dude's ass does not look better in Blu-Ray.
01:21:32: That guy just tasered someone without his pants on. Is that a worse crime than doing it WITH your pants on?
01:22:40: Megan Fox running to dramatic music. I wonder if that happens like, in her real life.
01:24:00: That can't be a old British transformer. S-T-E-R-E-O-T-Y-P-E. LAZY ASS MOVIE FUCKERS.
01:25:49: Did that robot really just fart or am I THAT drunk?
01:27:19: Megan Fox just landed on that guys testicles. Am I joking? Clearly, I'm not.
01:29:10: I hate this movie so much, I almost want to cry, die, or throw up. ROBO FLASHBACK! You know that show Bored to Death? I feel like they were thinking of titles for it while watching this.
01:32:40: Megan Fox in a birka. Racism, keep it coming!
01:33:49: Where are these guys, Islam?
01:34:49: OK, has Michael Bay ever seen another race besides white? Hahaha this guys really short. If he were a girl, that would turn me on.
01:36:38: Bangage = imminent. And Megan Fox is involved. I know, I almost put it on pause too.
01:38:02: Their looking at Orion's belt. Someone exploring some un-hetero feelings, Shia?
01:39:22: Tyrese, Tad Hamilton, and some nervous White Guy are about to jump off a plane. i'm in a rap video, apparently.
01:41:44: They're in some Egyptian temple and still they try and make the prettiest thing Megan Fox. WHAT ABOUT THE RACIST ROBOTS? I LOVE 'EM!
01:43:14: Robo-graveyard. About as lame as some of the puns I use.
01:44:02: OK PAUSE I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEE.
01:44:33: OK, BACK! My brother Bobby is going to his girlfriends house. Thought you'd want to know.
01:45:44: Soliders, robots, goats, and more racism.
01:46:50: Tech guy looks nervous. What a pussy. Whoa they just tasered him unconcious. DON'T TASE HIM BRO!
01:48:36: Tyrese just doesn't like the desert. BUT YOU'RE FROM THERE!
01:49:55: Our army is so smart in this movie. Makes you wonder why you don't name all our missions "OPERATION TRANSFORMERS TWO"
01:51:30: I think I just heard the robots talking about The Matrix. I mean, why bring Keanu into this? Seems a bit unfair, even for Keanu.
01:53:00: No, Tech guy, being in the middle of "The Gunfight at OK Corral" is generally not a good thing. DID YOU EVER GO TO HISTORY CLASS TECH BOY?
01:54:40: You'd think after being next to Shia for almost 4 hours in both movies, Megan wouldn't be afraid of the robots anymore. Especially since she hangs around SHIA. BABABABABABABABABBA-BOOM!
01:56:54: I think that monster from Return of the Jedi has returned in robot form to try and kill Shia. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, RACIST ROBOTS!
01:58:33: Where am I? Is this movie still real? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
01:59:49: How the hell did Shia's parents get there? I've missed so much. AND THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE MATRIX! WHERE"S KEANUE AND LAURENCE FISHBURNE THEN? NOWHERE!
02:02:02: Bumbleebee is the lamest name for something that's trying to be cool ever. I mean, maybe except Michael Francis.
02:03:45: I'll remember what you did John Turturo. Barton Fink, Rounders, The Big Lebowski. GOOD SHIT BESIDES THIS!
02:05:11: Stop destroying the Giza Pyramids! Don't you know that that's a UNESCO HERITAGE SITE?
02:07:16: This is the lamest robot fighting I've seen since WALL-E tried to get past that fat guy.
02:08:05: Say what you will about who she is as a person or actress, Megan Fox running is slo-mo with a halter top on? Rarely do things get better. Unless it's my girlfriend doing it, of course. (BOYFRIEND FILTER ACTIVATED)
02:09:34: Old British robot's back. Ugh. I hate British stuff. Except soccer. And beer.
02:11:02: Is staying on someone's ass a good thing, Tyrese?
02:12:10: More Megan Fox slo-mo = more winning. OH AND IT KEEPS ON GOING! LOLZ WOW!
02:13:48: WILL SHIA LIVE?!!!!!!!!!??!?!??!?
02:14:36: OK this is too fucked up. Is Shia in robo-heaven? This is beyond retarded. BUT SHIA LIVES PRAISE ALLAH.
02:15:52: You know that scene with the adrenline shot to the heart in Pulp Fiction? Well Shia just did that to a robot. Excuse me while I lose faith in humanity.
02:17:07: The bad bots are about to do something terrible. I care like not.
02:18:59: Stupid Robo fighting. I don't care who wins, unless WALL-E is fighting.
02:20:24: Good robots win. WHO PREDICTED THAT? GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING GOLD STAR.
02:21:44: Shia and Megan make out behind the sunset and honestly, it is kind of a romantic scene. Too bad it's a robot movie.
02:22:22: The movie ends with more robo narrarating ane me succumbing to retardation poisoning.
02:22:44: DWIGHT MAKES HIS RETURN IN THE CREDITS! AND WE'LL END ON THAT NOTE!
Well, Jesus H. Christ. Even for a Michael Bay movie, that was hideous. I think that was worse than Pearl Harbor. Definitely one of the worst movies of the decade. AND I'VE SEEN MEET THE SPARTANS! Anyways, I actually am thinking of keeping this segment going. Maybe I'll start doing it with the crappy ass American Pie sequels that come out straight to DVD every year. We'll see. But until next time, maybe it you that should be bidding me adieu. After all, I'm the one doing all the work here. ADIOS!
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