Welcome to the mailbag! Last week's was just a holiday special but this week we're going full force, straight up, and out. of. control. You know why we're going so crazy here at the blog? Well, it's the 12th straight month with a mailbag, giving me a full calender year full of mailbags. Some obviously have been better than others. But we're going to make this one extra special. You see, this time I'm going to get totes ridic with all my questions and make the answers borderline illegal. Let's start it up.
Q: Is there any thanks you'll be giving in honor of the month?
--B. Lidge's Hanging Sliders, Philadelphia, PA
A: Oh. I'll be giving out plenty of "thanks" if you know what I mean. Heh? Heh? Yeah. (Ed.'s Conscience: By thanks, he means sex, people. That's really rude though, I apologize for him)
Q: Say you were dating a girl. Say she had a mom. Say that mom started reading your blog. How would you feel about that?
--J. Fallon's Ten Person Audience, New York, NY.
A: There's only two ways to approach it. One, change everything I've been doing for the last three years to appease one person and possibly alienate all the others. Or, I could just write the way I've always written and take the consequences as they come. I mean, seriously, I've written this thing for three years. This is just for fun. Nobody should actually listen to the information in this blog anyway. Unless they want to score or get drunk. Then they should.
Q: Who is the most overrated actress and actor currently working in Hollywood?
--S. Wonder's Lack of Vision, San Antonio, TX.
A: OK. The most overrated actor in Hollywood at the moment is Vince Vaughn. Listen, I loved the guy in Wedding Crashers and Old School, even Swingers back in the day. But as a certified movie snob, Couples Retreat, Fred Claus, Four Christmases, and The Break-Up are all certifiably sell-out rom-com trash that he's done to score a quick pay check. I mean, they've gone 11%, 21%, 25%, and 33% on Rotten Tomatoes. That means if someone went on a double date to see Fred Claus with another couple, only 80% of one person would like the movie. As for most overrated actress, how bout Hilary Swank? All she does is Oscar bait boring movies, and she kinda is ugly. Whatever. I just don't see the love for her.
Q: What is the best thing to ever happen on Halloween ever?
--L. Gaga's Questionable Gender, Los Angeles, CA.
A: This:
Q: DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME SIR?
--J. Buck's Lack of Excitement, St. Louis, MO.
A: One of the best compliments I've ever got was that I have none. Life calls for no shame. All shame is is a lack of confidence. Embrassment only gets in the way of the best things. Whether it's your alcohol intake, getting rejected by girls, or just making a fool of yourself, you just have to shake it off and live in the moment. You'll probably never meet the girls the reject you, the people you sing karaoke in front of, or the bartender that is trying to cut you off ever again. So just do itttt.
Q: Where is the coolest place you could possibly get drunk?
--K. Orton's Empty Bottle, Denver, CO.
A: THe motherfucking MOON. Pour some beer in your space helmet, put a straw in your mouth and just bounce around while getting slosheddddddddd. BAM! Bet you thought I was gonna say Dublin or something.
Q: Some people say you're blog personality is just "Tucker Max Light" or "Diet Tucker Max." What do you have to say to these critics who compare you to that misogynistic douchebag?
G. Clooney's Dashing Good Looks, Hollywood, CA.
A: First of all, there is nothing "Diet" about me. I'm one big sugar rush, with tons of carbs. And also, I'm not "light." I'm very filling. I'm more like "Extra Stout." Besides that, I dislike being compared to Tucker. Mainly because he's an asshole that writes about getting drunk and taking advantage of women. Sure I get drunk. But I don't take advantage of women (unless, of course, they offer to pay for dinner). And also, I'm a much better writer than him. So fuck him. We're both good at making up stories, but at least mine are funny and clever. His are so obviously exaggerated. For example, I could make a story about going to the supermarket funny. He would just be like "and oh the cashier saw my Magnum's and I banged her in my backseat." Not only is that not funny, it's lazy. No clever adjectives, no distinct prose. Sign of a indistinctive, inexperienced, cocky ass Duke douche.
Q: What do you think about Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin hosting the Oscars? Or do you think of it?
--R. Downey Jr.'s Overall Awesomeness, Vancouver, Canada.
A: I don't really think of it, to be honest. I love Alec Baldwin and am indifferent on Steve Martin. It really doesn't matter who's hosting. Hell, you could get Larry David or Steve Carrel to host and it would still just be one big smugfest. It's a night designed to say "Look at me, Look at me! I acted well! Let's all brag about it through fancy dresses and lame ass acceptance speeches while 300 eighty year olds vote on which one of us deserves to win even though they need binoculars to even see the screen."
Q: What would be funnier: making some guy drunkenly hop around on one leg or making some guy drunkenly waddle around with his ankles tied together?
--My Guest Blogger's Sense of Laziness, Chicago, IL.
A: Hahahahahahaha. I love this. I would rather see a drunk guy waddle around like a penguin. It would take him so much longer to do everything. I mean, I've had to hop around all night on one leg. It's not that funny to watch. Well. It probably is. But screw you.
Q: SETLLE IT: What's the funniest show on television at the moment?
--S. Michelle Gellar's Invisibility, Tacoma, WA
A: It really is a tough question. Between Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, It's Always Sunny..., and 30 Rock, I would have to say (at the moment) that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia may be the most consistently funny thing on TV right now. I've lost a lot of interest in 30 Rock this year, same kind of with Curb. The Office is often hit or miss for me. Quickly rising up the ranks is Parks and Recreation. It was awful when it first came on but it's inching towards getting funnier than The Office for me. Just a poor Irish man's opinion on comedy. And I mean....I know comedy. I'm funnier than you. (Ed.'s Conscience: I'm sorry again. I don't know what's gotten into him today. This is just as rude as it gets.)
Q: What are the 10 Best Occasions to Drink and the 10 Worst Occasions to Drink?
--B. Barker's Neutered Pets, Albany, NY.
A: The 10 Best Drinking Occasions (in no order): Weddings, Funerals, Break-Ups, Birthdays, Jewish Rites of Passage, Bachelor(ette) Parties, Tailgating, Holidays, Made Up Holidays, and Fridays.
The 10 Worst Drinking Occasions (in no order): Interventions, After-Liver Transplant Party, Your Parents' Will Readings, Your Drivers Test, DUI Trial, Alcohol-Related Death Funeral, Birth of Your Child, Church/Temple, 8 AM on Monday, and unless, you're a wine/beer taster, Work.
Q: All you are is fun and games. Don't you look out for any causes or people besides your humorous puns or brilliant wordplay?
--M. Singh's Indian Zen, Bombay, India
A: Screw you, I'm like the Dali Lama. I even met the dude once. He's a real enlightened cat. But in all seriousness, which doesn't happen here often, I support, and occasionally donate to, two organizations for leukemia research. They are Light The Night and Dear Jack Foundation. Support them if you can, any way you can.
Q: Say you're at a bar. (Ed.'s Note: Why Just "Say"?) A girl buys you a drink but she says "Make it something cheap." What does this mean for your chances of getting to stuff the proverbial turkey?
--C. Columbus' Disgusting Pilgrim Humor, Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts
A: Hmmm. In my expert opinion (Ed.'s Note: There's nothing expert about his opinion.), I think that this probably means she's looking for a one night stand type deal. I mean, she clearly still wants to get you a little loose and is buying you drinks, but she doesn't want to spend a whole lot on you. Either you're already in the friend zone or she wants a quickie and you out of there by morning.
Q: What kinds of alcoholics are there? I need to distinguish what kind I fit into before I get drunk and ruin the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
--M. Dolan's Awesome Facial Hair, Arlington Heights, IL
A: There are wino's (wine drinkers), functional alcoholics (still able to pass in society, even with alcoholism), deadbeats (all they do is drink), college students, and the Kyle Orton. The Kyle Orton is the alcoholic in a profession where it's irresponsible to be a drunk but they are so loveable, nobody cares.
Q: What is the best way of going about getting someone a "holiday" (Ed.'s Note: We, or just I, Support All December Holidays, No Matter the Faith!) gift when you don't have a whole lot of money? Also, what is the protocol for drinking at your family's or someone else's family's holiday party?
--L. Odom's Bad Decision Making, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Be creative. I know not everyone is as creative as I am when it comes to everything, but maybe Private Message me personally. As for drinking at family parties, it's all who you're with. If it's your family and they are all drinking, then by all means, get all nogged up. But if you're at someone else's, you need to scope your surroundings. Is this your girlfriends family? If it's somewhere you should be making a good impression, logic would say to not drink too much. But where did logic get anyone? (Ed.'s Note: It got him a D+.) (Writer's Note: My editor is an asshole.) Just be yourself. If it leads to an overabundance of Hannukah Punch then so be it.
Q: Buzzed Driving is Drunk Driving! How dare you encourage alcoholism and debauchery to your persuadable audience! What is your problem young sir?
--P. Diddy's Raspberry Vodka, Reno, NV.
A: Well, clearly I give you a hint: my blog is about the positive effects of alcohol. Your arguments are about the negative. I mean, I'm not gonna get any views on this thing preaching to people in their early 20s about why they shouldn't drink. I don't live in Saudi Arabia.
Q: I need some good advice. You see, I've been dating this girl for a while, maybe 4-5 months. All things are great. You see, I was a theatre major, am big into musical theatre, and loveeeeee the arts. My girlfriend shares most of the same interests. Or so I thought. We went to this bar on a Sunday night, I needed a quick pick me up, so we stopped in to some local tavern. There was a football game on but I hate sports, so I really wasn't paying attention. My girlfriend, all of the sudden, starts yelling at the TV, getting really into the game and it was a big turn off. I had no idea she was into sports but apparently, she is a big fan. How do I address this problem? I really like her, but I don't know how her love of sports and my hatred of it can survive a relationship?
H. Jackman's Theatre Degree, El Paso, TX.
A: You're a jackass. Here's why: you're going to let one of her interests get in the way because you don't share it? First off, she's hid it for the entire time you've been dating. Meaning she knew you hated it and hid it so you wouldn't be turned off. Which means she really likes you. And part of being in any successful relationship is compromising. Doing stuff you might not like that the other enjoys shows that you actually care about the other person. It's not like she's asking you to sit in on her Fantasy Football draft. I mean, I'm obsessed with Fantasy Football, I just don't bring it out or start conversations about it. I casually check it on my iPhone and smile as I dominate some other noob. I really like sports or going to the theatre or writing or seeing indie movies or watching crappy TV. Whatever buddy. You're lucky that this girl likes you. And guess what? If you liked her before you found this out, you still do. She's cheering for the Bears, not a Nazi rally.
Whew. That was quite the exhaustive mailbag. But you loved it, obv. As for me, I don't know if I'll ever get my guest blogger to complete his work. He's a lazy jerk. Whatever. You're probably just better off reading the words that are flying off my keyboard anyway. Until next time, I'll see you all shortly. Or not, who knowsssssssss???????????!!!!!!!
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