Q: Why are you such a stoner, stoner?
--P. Russo, Chicago, IL
A: This coming from the kid who once told me "I don't care about the girl during sex; I'm just like BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM and that's that." Bet you thought I didn't remember that since I was having an emotional breakdown! HA!
Q: Everyone has guilty pleasures. Whether it be food, a TV show, or movies. But can a person be a guilty pleasure? That is, can hanging out with someone be a "guilty pleasure."?
--T. Tate, Office, LB.
A: I don't see why not. I'd say, as long as something is a noun, it can be a guilty pleasure. Verbs, however, can't be. Like...stalking. That's not a guilty pleasure, that's just something that friends do. So if you like hanging out with someone, nobody else likes but you're sleeping with them, or you're hooking up with you're ex because the sex is so good but you feel guilty afterwards, that's a guilty pleasure. And it doesn't HAVE to be someone whose pants you're trying to get into. That's just where my head usually goes. (Pun, as always, intended)
Q: I once asked a friend if it was possible to drive to South America from the U.S. Apparently, you could, except for a roadless, dangerous, 50 mile stretch of land known as the "Darien Gap" upon entering Colombia. Now, there is no law against driving it but there are no roads and people often disappear around here. So my question is, are there travel ideas that are more insane than this one? Or would this be the ultimate test in travel stupidity/bravery?
--A. Davis, Oakland, CA.
A: Not only is this the most insane travel idea, I have personally made it my mission to drive to South America before the end of 2010. Stupidity and bravery are oftentimes the same thing and I know of no better way to prove it than driving 50 miles off-road in an extremely dangerous Colombian wasteland. I'm obviously going to be bringing a gun, 4 condoms (don't ask), and a bunch of whatever the Colombian currency is (or cocaine. probably cocaine.). Other than that, I don't see anything too insane about the trip.
Q: Why the hell do college coaches even get contracts? Seems to me like they can bolt pretty much whenever they want. Aren't contracts supposed to stop this kind of greedy behavior?
--J. Wainwright, Lincoln Park, IL.
A: College coaching is a joke. Since recruiting is all that matters in college, coaches are the most important person on the team. Yet, they are allowed to just up and leave whenever the hell they want! The NCAA is a joke, since they won't do shit about this, and the coaches should really be ashamed of themselves. They are basically abandoning the kids they recruited to their former school. It's like Seth Cohen choosing the blonde chick in Season 1 of "The O.C.", then decides he'd rather have Summer so he leaves the blonde and the blonde is so devastated she moves. How did he even pick the blonde after Summer dressed up as Wonder Woman? You put that shit on lockdown, Cohen.
Q: Jim Carrey, Sean Penn, and Benicio Del Toro as the Three Stooges? Can this actually happen?
--J. Black, Hollywood, CA.
A: Are you kidding? Not only is it confirmed to definitely be happening, it's going to be hilarious. First off, this movie is going to be such an epic disaster that it's gonna be awesome. Here's a few reasons why:
-Sean Penn is the least funny man in Hollywood.
-Benicio Del Toro isn't far behind him. And he's WOLFMAN later this year!
-Jim Carrey is gaining 40 lbs to play the fat guy.
-How long into the movie before Penn and Del Toro decide they just want to kill Jim Carrey? But, for real.
-Imagine Penn accidently poking Del Toro in the eyes for real. Shit will go DOWN.
-The Farrelly Brothers can't make a funny movie to save their lives anymore and....they're directing!
-This movie is hopefully going to bomb and keep these 3 away from each other like herpes.
Q: Not many women can be described as a "10". Which begs this disturbing question: are there any women out there that transcend beauty so much that you would sleep with them, provided you had to sleep with a guy first? And you could pick the guy.
--J. Cutler, Denver, CO.
A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. If I had to pick the guy, I'd probably pick someone gay, so at least one of us would enjoy it. And since looks don't really matter, because it'd be traumatizing no matter who it was, I'll say Neil Patrick Harris. Because he's awesome. As for the all important girl side of this answer: gymnast Nastia Liukin. See, if I'm fucking a guy to sleep with this girl, she better be able to do things that no other girl can. And if you watched the Olympics last year, you know Nastia can take down the rings in more ways than one. And I would fully expect her to, for the price I'd be paying. I am the motherfucking BALANCE BEAM, Nastia!!! Settle, Mike....Settle down and move on.
Q: I have trouble picking up women in bars and often lean off of whoever my friends pick up just to stay sane. Do you have any good pickup lines I could use that aren't too cliche and that are not too forward and gross? Also, lines that reference pop culture would be even better! Usually I just walk up and tell girls my name, but it rarely works!
--G. Chiakulas, Mt. Prospect, IL.
A: Here are a few from the vault that tend to work, for the most part (remember, always play into a girls vanity):
Dolan trademark: "You girls are too pretty to be dancing alone."
"Are those real? (girl hits you) OW! I meant those wings on your back, angel."
"If there were a fork in the road, I'd take you."
"Do you have a taser on you? Or are you just naturally this stunning?"
"I had some cheesy pick-up line I was going to say, but I got distracted by how pretty you are."
"Marion Ravenwood sure would be jealous." "Why?" "Cause I just found the Ark of the Covenant right in front of me." (marry the girl is she laughs knowingly)
"I'd like to put you in my movie. It's about Helen of Troy."
"I donate to charity every time I run into a "10". Looks like my first donation will be tomorrow."
Q: It's FUCKING BASEBALL season! That, of course, begs an important question that probably could only be answered by you. What are some ways you can get kicked out of a professional baseball stadium without getting into a fight?
--P. Galore, London, England.
A: You have come to the right place. Obviously, start with alcohol then follow these simple steps:
1. Yell EVERYTHING
2. Make it obvious you are drunk.
3. Swear. A lot.
4. Throw peanuts at people in front of you.
5. Keep drinking.
6. Say something against the home team that nobody else in the stadium will agree with.
Bye!
Q: Why do you talk about masturbation on this blog so much more than you talk about sex?
--STEVE HOLT!, Orange County, CA.
A: Well, think of it this way. If a dog could talk about all the squirrels he was chasing, you wouldn't hear much about the ones he caught. Because he doesn't catch any. He just chases them. Got it?
Q: Say you're having sex and it doesn't last that long. The girl says afterwords "It's fine, besides, it hurts after a while anyway." Is this girl just patronizing you?
--Tim, Champaign, IL.
A: That girl is indeed patronizing you, and with my experience with premature ejaculation, girls don't mind when you've paid them for sex. But other than that, they mind. They are REALLY patronizing you if they say "Oh, don't worry, sex isn't that important to me." Now, if they keep having sex with you, then they must really like you (unless they're fucking around on you), so don't fuck that up. But tell her to stop saying that. She think she's being nice but she's really being extremely emasculating. Bitch!
Q: What's the best April Fool's joke you've ever played on anyone?
--Some Random Idiot, Detroit, MI.
A: My dad once told me it was being born. Just kidding! Sort of. He told me, just not on April 1st. Other than that, this blog is pretty much one big joke. So getting people to read this thing is kind of my April Fools' on everyone. Oh, and I tripped my brother when he was coming out of his room and he wiped out and broke his leg. I don't think that was on April 1st either, but we'll count that one anyway since my life hasn't been known for it's creativity. Not even in Creative Writing.
Q: Hey man, when are you going to get a twitter already? GET WITH IT GRAMPS! It's the new age, whether you like it or not and you might as well join. That way, you can keep up with all your friends and what they are doing every single moment! And celebs, OMGZ!!
--Generic Teenager, Topeka, KS.
A: I've never wanted to kill a reader more than this one but I will admit, I have a twitter account to follow other twitter accounts, rather than update mine. I'm especially fond of reading Puff Daddy's. He's always so motivational and positive! And he capitalizes every other word. It's awesome. It's the first thing I check when I wake up: Puff Daddy's twitter. Reason number 41 why being unemployed can be fun! Other than that, I am indeed NOT a GRAMPS and EVERY motherfucker THAT says SO on MY goddamned BLOG will NEVER get A question ANSWERED ever AGAIN!!!! Got IT?!?! GET OFF MY LAWN!!
Q: How much alcohol in one night do you have to drink to have that night considered "legendary." Legendary, in that everyone that you are with will never forget that night or the story behind it.
--R. Downey, Jr., Hollywood, CA.
A: Sometimes, I think the questions were just made for me. But, in order to be legendary, completely depends on the situation. For a seasoned drinker (say, a college senior), a legendary night would be drinking this simple formula: number of beers + shots +mixed drinks = 1/6th your body weight. (150 lbs = 25 drinks, 200 lbs= around 33) I think that's a fair formula that takes most factors into account. Also, do not attempt this because you can't do it. I know you can't. You pussy. And yeah, I've done it before. So match me, I dare you.
Q: If you had to pick one actress, which do you think would be most willing to have anal on the first date?
--D. Day Lewis, London, UK.
A: I think that there are a few I could name for after a few dates, but after one? Is there possibly a girl out there so deliciously slutty? Elisha Cuthbert aka The Girl Next Door aka Jack Bauer's daughter would. You KNOW she would. Just look at her and tell me she isn't absolutely begging for it:
Q: Fergie's in a movie this year with 7 actor/actresses who have been nominated for an Academy Award. It's by the same guy who did "Chicago." What would it do to your love of movies if Fergie was nominated/won an Oscar? Thank you, Rob Marshall and the cast of "Nine", you have successfully made me consider seeing this just to see how epically bad Fergie will be.
--M. Scorsese, New York, NY.
A: This HAS to be a casting error. HOW HOW HOW?!! Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Collitard, Judi Dench, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson, and FERGIE?!! What. The. Fuck? This is a bigger miscast than Beyonce in (pick 'em).
Q: If you had to have sex with one woman over 60, who would it be? And if you didn't have to, would you anyway?
--A. Kutcher, LegoLand, CA. (OMG Check out my twitter!)
A: I thought nobody would ever ask this question, let alone a guy who posts pictures of his wife's ass on his twitter feed! Obviously my answer is Helen Mirren. Girl keeps in shape for her age! Attempt to sway me, I dare you. Who else could make The Queen so sexy? NOBODY! And of course I would do it anyway! Girlfriend's got it workin' at 63, she deserves a young man to take care of her. Mmm-hmm.
Q: What else do loose lips do beside sink ships? And what's the limit on friendship/ex-girlfriend scale? That is, where does it reach the point where it becomes OK to hook up with his ex, based on your level of friendship?
--Some Sceezbag Who Wants His Friend's Girl, Everywhere, Ever.
A: Loose lips sink the following things: boners, planes, people, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, and Billy Zane.
As for your second question, there's a clear scale as to when a person broke up with the girl and how good a friend he was, taking into some account how serious their relationship was. If you've ever said "I love you, man" to this guy, drunk or sober, you can't sleep with her ever. Even if he gives you permission, you are still a dick for even thinking about it. If you aren't good friends with this guy, then it doesn't matter when you do it. That guy will not like you anymore no matter when you do it, so just do it. If you are at the point of friendship where you go out with them on the weekends, but probably wouldn't call them yourself, then you are have a dilemma. You HAVE to take into account how over their ex they are. Honestly, there are plenty of girls out there. Do you really need to hook up with a friends ex? Justify it all you want, but if you call someone a friend and I don't mean the facebook way, then don't screw their ex's unless you see love. Then, who could blame you? Don't be a douchebag though.
Q: What would need to happen in your life, between now and the time your 40, for it to be considered a success if you died at 40? (You, personally that is)
--A. Rodriguez, Bronx, NY.
A: Obviously, I've already thought about this question before in my life. A few things would need to happen: Cubs winning the World Series, me getting my Irish citizenship, hooking up with a girl way out of my league JUST ONCE, and to find a job that makes me happy on a daily basis. Of course, I would take one of these happening. Money's never been too important to me and I'll just spend it anyway, so giving me too much could be dangerous.
Q: My ex-girlfriend still reads my blog because she likes it when I "sex-drop" her, or reference a time we had sex. Since I haven't had that many different sex partners, I was wondering if I should continue to "sex-drop" her, reference the few others times I've had sex, or just stop talking about sex?
--Me. I asked myself a question.
A: Well, Me, I think telling everyone that paying for sex 3 times in one day while your in Amsterdam, then hooking up with some fat girl when I was drunk out of my mind in college before I was dating the "sex-drop" girl isn't as effective as saying "I had sex on my brothers bed." Or "that time I turned it up to 11." Or "anal." Or "in the backseat of my car that some readers sit in pretty often." Or "when my friend texting me to stop fucking so we could play vertical beer pong, which would have been more obscene than the sex. Maybe." See, most of my sex stories just wouldn't be alive without the help of Senorita Sex-Drop, which she will now be known as on this blog.
BTW, WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE SITTING IN?!?! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAA. GROSS!
Q: Aren't you just a terrible person?
--Bono, Dublin, Ireland.
A: Was it the anal question that tipped you off?
Well, thanks for reading ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully I pulled a few new readers in through the art of shameless plugging, but obviously I am shameless so I don't really care how it gets done. I'll keep the conclusion short today, but that's only because I can't think of anything to write. But fear not! I will be back soon enough to entertain the shallow, appease the horny, and dismiss the politically correct as pretentious assholes that are just jealous of my superior wit.
Here's a little "goodbye treat" in the form of the sexy Helen Mirren:
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