I Was Never Good at Transitions

Hello there, fellow readers. To give my blog a stronger base, I've decided to focus more on one thing. And since booze is really what I know best, I can think of no better topic to focus on. And to start things off? Well, why not share my drunken exploits. Because if you are going to read my booze blog, you should know a little about me. Here are My 6 Greatest Moments in Drunkenness. I wrote a column exactly like this two years ago but I'm pretty sure I can update it since then. So what? So let's dance!


6. A Dam Good Time
The Date: Between August 3-5th, 2005
The Location: Amsterdam, the Netherlands
The Happenings: Once upon a time, I was a crazy stoner who would take on any challenge. So I went to Amsterdam when I was 19, by myself with money that was more or less not mine. Most readers of this blog have heard the story so I'll keep it short. I got there before I could check in to my hotel so I went to some breakfast restaurant and had 3-4 pints of Heineken with Strawberry Pancakes (note: never again) before I had a cigarette and was approached by a Dutch kid who offered to smoke me up, did, and I was bazooka'd out of my mind. I feel flat on my face in a large business square and puked pink all the way down the street and right in front of my hotel. It may have been more of the weed that did it to me but, in my go-to story, alcohol played a very important part in making me look like a gigantic tourist ass. Two words: worth it.
Comparable To: A marathon runner losing all control of his body then wobbling around like a penguin.

5. 2 Girls, 1 Cup
The Date: Mid-February 2008.
The Location: Kirksville, Missouri. The great home of TRUMAN STATE UNIVERSITY.
The Happenings: Thirsty Thursdays are pretty much a staple at most schools nowadays. Obviously, there were the nights that I would indulge in the great spirits to the highest degree. Anyways, I had just started dating this one girl when her friend invited me over with a few other people to watch a movie. I'm pretty sure the friend liked me but who knows. It doesn't matter. What matters is that the girl I was dating made an extra effort to look good while I was hitting on her friend all night. When she caught wind of this, she got very upset and I decided to ignore both of them and get extremely hammered to deal with it. As there situations usually turn out, the girls left without me and I ended up just doing a bunch of shots. Because that's how I cope, yo. Perhaps not my proudest moment, but a story only a moron like me could tell. In my defense, I hadn't got many girls in my life so I was like "Two at once? I gotta do that!"
Comparable To: It was like a downgraded episode of Jerry Springer. Maybe Maury.

4. 200 Cup Beer Pong
The Date: Mid-July, 2008
The Location: Kirksville, Missouri
The Happenings: I scammed an extra summer out of college and it was very, very worth it. My best friend never visited me at school, despite repeated warnings of reprisal for his hideous actions. Finally, in the summer when about 150 people are at the school, he visited. What ensued was stuff legends are made of. We set up one on one, 200-Cup Beer Pong. 100 Cups on each side. About 15 beers a side. The game took over 3 hours because, well, you try and make the 98th cup after 14 beers. Nonetheless, I was victorious by only a few cups. My friend threw up. Waking up pretty much felt like what it would feel like to being fucked by Shaq. The now-infamous inside joke phrase of "brat that brat" was created in a hungover daze. I wouldn't mind playing this game again. When I want to die.
Comparable To: Being fucked by Shaq. Just ask his wife.

3. St. Patty's 2008
The Date: March 17th, 2008
The Location: Dublin, Ireland
The Happenings: Maybe not the drunkest day ever, but never has alcohol tasted so good. Me and my previously mentioned friend went to Ireland and, low and behold, the day before we were leaving the glorious Emerald Isle was St. Patrick's Day. People were everyone, bars were packed, parades were marching, and Guinness was flowing. An all day drink fest in the Temple Bar area that included lots of Guinness, whiskey, and an ill-advised Irish Coffee that led to extreme ridicule from some of the locals. But whatever, we got ours. HARD. The Temple Bar area definitely has my favorite street in the world. Ireland might not have the best looking people but after a few drinks, everyone's looking good. We left Ireland with 10 Euro cents between the two of us. And I don't regret one Guinness.
Comparable To: Drinking for the first time in college.

2. Wine 'Em and Dine 'Em
The Date: Mid-May 2007
The Location: Ancient Corinth, Greece
The Happenings: I could have picked almost any night from Greece because it was that titillating (always wanted to use that word). However, I chose one particular night in a small Ancient town with one bar. The hotel we were staying at offered bottomless jugs of wine for 2 Euros a night. Turning down a deal like that would be comparable to turning down free first-row seats at a Cubs playoff game. Anyways, after the hotel the bar was attended by many. After certain people pissed off the locals for reasons we still can't understand (Greek is a tough language), we merged the tables together and I invented a game only now known as "Greek Pong" (beer pong with wine and olives as the balls). I think I lost all the games I played that night, but I don't really remember. I blacked out and a friend of mine, who is a skinny blonde girl, carried me home. Which just proves that either she's lying (doubtful) or it doesn't take a whole lot of physical exertion to carry me. I think you know the answer. (If you don't, you are less intelligent than a guy writing a list about his greatest drinking feats. I just realized how douchey this list is. Oh well.)
Comparable To: I don't know. Blacking out for any reason?
Here's a Youtube video of my friend dissecting his argument with the Greek man at the bar. I bet he wishes this video would disappear.


1. 21st Birthday
The Date: July 2nd, 2007
The Location: Somewhere in Suburban Chicago, IL
The Happenings: Reasons I won't live til 100: My past diet, my proneness to injury, and my 21st Birthday. I drank pretty much a liquor cabinet. Me and my friend went to a bar at midnight. I did around 4-5 shots before we went home and went to bed. Woke up at like 9:30AM and started drinking again, with a keg. People sporadically came throughout the day, with a bunch of people there at night. I hate counting but I know I finished the 21 shots things. I have no idea, nor do I want to know how much beer I drank. The fact that I went to bed at midnight and don't remember anything after 6PM can pretty much describe my day. Here are some highlights (or lowlights) of the day:
-Jumping through a card table, breaking it in half
-Throwing a heavy stress ball at a newly set up beer pong rack, spilling all the cups on an unsuspecting girl
-Drank Goldschlagger, which is advisable under no circumstances.
-Clearing out my deck to call a girl I like, telling people this, then hitting on a girl there right after
-Changed outfits around 3-4 times for unknown reasons, but I have an idea
-Passed out on my kitchen floor
-Woke up in my bed
-Other horrific things that nobody ever would dare to speak of, I'd imagine.


I hope that helped kick off a new era here at what is apparently now known as "The Whiskey Chronicles." Maybe you have an idea what I'm like now. I obviously don't encourage any of my readers to take my advice and doing so is at your own risk. I am in no way hyping myself up to be a great drinker or whatever, just thought this would be a good idea to start off the booze era. Anyways, I hope you'll all stick around for what is sure to be a bunch of preposterousness to come. Until I see you next time, stay thirsty my friends.